Sex With Emily - Sexually #Open with Elle Chase

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by friend, sex educator, writer, & speaker Elle Chase to give you insight on new sex-positive dating trends, and she’s taking your calls. She gives you tech tips on how to find matches that align with your sexual preferences, ways to make sex conversations sound more, well, sexy (you know, so everyone can chime in), and how to pull the passion out of your partner during sex.   Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Cal Exotics, Veritas Farms, Uberlube, SiriusXM, Apex. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com For more information on Elle Chase, click HERE. For more information on #Open, click HERE. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joining with my friend and sex educator writer and speaker, Elle Chase, to get insight on new sex positive dating trends and I'm answering your emails. Topics include using technology to find better matches that align with your sexual preferences and identity. How to share your new found sexual experiences without crossing the line. So your partner wants you to squirt, but you don't know how. What do you do? Sex should never feel like a chore. What are ways to bring the passion back into your relationship? All this and more, thanks for listening. Best by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and happy with your dating life, and all those things. You can also find me in Series XM Radio, Monday through Friday, 5-7PM Pacific, on Series XM Stars, 109 for even more fun sex talk, and if you want a free 30-day trial, you can

go to sexwithemily.com slash SXM, and as always, we are on all social media at Sex With Emily Across the board. I hope you guys enjoy this interview with L Chase. I'm so excited to welcome back my very dear friend, L Chase. She's a sex educator, a writer, a speaker. She's a body and pleasure advocate and we've talked a lot about you guys. Whatever you call in and you're like, I want sex positions for like big, beautiful women. And she wrote a book called Curvy Girl Sex.

We often have it here on the table. It's right over there. When you talk about that, we give people tips. So you have one, not one, but two sex educators here. She's been on the show a few times, but right now she told me about this friggin' app and I'm like, okay, this is newsworthy because it's called hashtag open and the mission of the app goes beyond just dating or hooking up because I know all of you are like Tinder hook up app or all the apps is hook up But essentially this app is like no, it's not just about that. They're working to create a community where people can create genuine connections based on

Where they're at in life and who they actually are because what I'm telling you is that what I love about this is that you don't necessarily have to say like I want a committed relationship or a non committed relationship, they give you like, I was looking at this and then else gonna be able to talk here, you can talk hi, hi. This is what I want to do me away.

You can say that you want to be monogamous. Yep. Polyamorous. Open. Not monogamous. Monogamous. Monogamous. Monogamous. Yep. Polyamorous. Open. Non-monogamous. Monogamous. Monogamous. Monogamous. Monogamous. Monogamous. Yeah.

Yeah. eventual monogamy. That's the actual monogamy. Or eventual non-monogamy. Non-monogamy. I mean, I just love it. And there's all these different sexual, it could be orientation. You could be pansexual, bisexual, queer, gay.

Twenty-four different variations. Thank you. Okay, it's really cool. So tell me, I mean, tell me about this. Well, I just recently sort of dipped my toe in the dating world lately. And you know, because you've been talking to me because I, you know, in my first date after a while, I'm like, oh my god, I'm going in this date. You seem to be really great. And then I just, you know, I turned into 13 year old girl. Anyway, I've been really frustrated, not about me. I've been really frustrated, not about me.

I've been really frustrated with the dating apps because I'm a sex educator, and it's my passion and it's my life, and when someone asks me what I do, I don't want to lie, you know? And so I say it eventually, and a lot of guys, they will absolutely go and sexualize the conversation immediately, oh, you're six educator well

Let me tell you I've got a really big dick Okay, pass You know, so let me school you and study. Yeah, we're school you honey or they get really Intimidated because they think you're gonna know everything and that's not the case, you know So when I heard about this app I was really excited because I am I identify as monogamous But I I can easily switch to monogamous, depending on who I'm with. And I like to have a relationship be strong first before I go outside of the relationship for sex.

So how do you put that in like an okay-cupid profile? And then have like reasonable answers to your questions instead of just, you know, creepy people. The same with Tinder, same with Bumble. And so when I found this app, it was like, oh my god. So I can find people who are speaking at the top of their intelligence when it comes to sexuality issues. And also I was having trouble finding people who are into the same things I was that were

non-sexual. Like, I'm having trouble finding people who are into the same things I was that were non-sexual. Like, I'm a big social justice warrior and a big feminist and I want to find those in a partner. So, with this app, I was able to create hashtags or find hashtags that already existed, put them in my profile, and people who are searching for SJW, social justice warrior. Or I'm a pillow princess too. So I can put pillow princess in there and they can search for pillow princess.

These are pillow princess. Yeah. Well sometimes. That might draw you with a weapon. My dream is to be a pillow princess if I ever get to have a threesome. Oh, yeah, you want that, trust me. I'll be there, but I'm not going to do anything.

Do you want to define pillow princess? I need them. I'm sorry. pillow princess as far as I'm concerned pillow princess basically lies there and is pleasure in many different ways by as many people as you want but for me it would probably be just my main squeeze and they're just and you just don't do anything to them unless of course you want to. But I mean where all the attention is on you and that's why I think that. That's one of the hashtags on that. You can put pillow princess, you can create your own sapio-sexual. I like sapio-sexual. Do you want that? Oh, sapio-sexual. No, I'm learning something.

I know. The brain. Being attracted to intelligence. Intelligence. Oh, yeah, which I totally am. I put David Bowie in there because I'm a huge David Bowie fan. Yes, you are. And the biggest David Bowie fan. So that's interesting so you can search for the hashtags. And then I feel like people are just burned out on the other apps right now. I think a lot of people are.

There's like dating fatigue. Yes. I think that's a real thing. I do. I mean, I'm sort of dating fatigued at the moment, you know. But I've found some really nice people that it didn't work out, but I've actually found some nice. So I have a question for you.

What makes a good date and what makes a bad date? Like, can you tell? I think for me, what makes a good date is that they're easy to talk to. And you don't feel, yeah, you're put at ease, and then you are able to be your authentic self. And then of course, you've got to have chemistry. That's a great, that right there is a mixture,

and it doesn't even matter where you are, what you're doing. I think for me, when I go on and date, if they make me feel comfortable, and I'm attracted to them, you know. Right, I'm, you can tell right away. No, I can tell on profiles, but in person I can't. Do you think it takes a little bit? I do.

Do you know after 50 minutes? 55 zero? 50. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's what science says. I'm testing it tonight.

Oh, really? Okay. Going out of date and I'm testing it. Yes. Yes. In 50 minutes, because I promised I would do this, this study says you know if you want to second date in 50 minutes. I think you know before that. But I thought, how great if I set my alarm?

And it's a good conversation like, hey, how do we think this is going? Yeah. Because if he's like, no, not so great. I'm like, oh, I thought it was good. But that's cool that I can go home and meet up with a friend for a drink right now. Well, I got to tell you that's what I did. I remember the first day I went on. And I was so nervous and I sort of looked at him and I was just like,

so what do you think? You think it's going well? Or are we attracted to each other? Do you know? Because that's just who I am. And it's good because you get a good read. And you also get to know how good they are communicating.

Exactly. If they just shut down. They shut down or they give you an answer, never call you again. To the guy. What extent that to? What did you say? Remember that guy?

And I was just like, oh my god, is he gonna call me? And he never called me. And he was like, yeah, I want a second date, you're great. And then it was just like, why do we lie? People lie in the moment because we're so uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable. We're so not used to being, especially, I think, for heterosexual man, it's really uncomfortable to be.

That honest with the woman? Yeah, that's what we've been finding. We have finding Jamie to go Do this right now Jamie you and me you and me for drinks. Yeah Yeah, can we though? Yeah, I mean, you know, we should start having like a Friday night cocktail During the show. I should be fun. I know but yeah, no cuz with the dating apps like I'm interested in this Because I just on my bumble I put it on snooze and definitely, yeah. And then I'm like, well, I still have hinge,

but I haven't been checking it lately because I just don't really care. And then I'm like, the conversations aren't really going anywhere, I don't know, but I'm thinking this might, we need to create that. What do people get out of Hashtag open app that they don't get from other apps? So they get the hashtags.

They get that, I mean, you can sort by people. But like, what if you're vanilla, what if you're like, oh, but Emily, I kind of want, you know, what if you're- You can put that. There's an area to sex. It's more about being more flexible. Yeah, I mean, it lends itself very well

to people who are kinky, who are open, who want to have, I mean, if I wanted to have a casual relationship, I would have two profiles, which you can do. I would have a profile for casual sex, and then I'd have a profile for meeting someone who I want to be a partner with. And if I had a partner and we wanted to open up,

I could have two profiles, one profile for us as a couple. And... Okay, we're back up. So my mouth is gapped to the Jamie's. Back up. So this is why I wanted you to be here and my my listeners say this so you're saying if you're a couple and you want to find a third Yeah, this is a great place to go because right now I tell people about a few different apps

but I'm not that Thrilled sometimes with the choices. It's hard for people who live in different areas now This is a fairly new app, but I think the world you will get on it's free, right? It's free Okay, you guys know that everything we talk about on the show, which I think is a very cool service we do, I'm just saying. If you go to sexathome.com and you click on the show notes, it's right there.

So you could click on it, hashtag open, you could download the app for free, and just check it out, because they probably need more people to, if you just started, but then you could find that third or that be kinky. Yeah. Try whatever you're looking for.

So I love that. I love that you can find a third. I love that you can have two apps. It's like, when you're looking for. So I love that. I love that you can find a third. I love that you can have two apps. It's like when you're looking for a job and you've two different, like your mission statement, like looking for a job where I can be useful to people in the technology field and then they're like, I wanna be a waitster,

I wanna be a server and a restaurant. Yeah, that's so smart. Yeah, and their terms of service too being the social justice warrior feminist that I am is they're really They're really committed to having an ethical Ethically run app and in fact for every new profile that someone Starts right now. They will give a dollar to plan parenthood up to 69 thousand dollars. Wow. I know and heronhood up to $69,000. Wow.

I know. That's a good incentive. I think so. Okay, I'm looking at you now and it says, right now in the app currently, 39.4% people are straight, 19% bisexual. I mean, I don't know how new I was at XC if you're bisexual, which is so interesting. Yeah. Heteroflexible, heteroflexible, meaning that you're in a committed...

Your heteroflexible means that you are heterosexual, but you're flexible with that. So maybe you have a partner who is of different sex, but you'd have a threesome and be with someone of the same sex within that container. Does that make sense? Yeah, kinda. You know, you're flexible. I do get it.

No, it makes sense, but I love it. That's what I would be. Or am. Same. Yeah, see? I'm straight, but I like boobs on women So I could be like I could be all over the whole boop thing with my partner and be happy camper But I'm not by

Yeah, why do we got a label? There's so many different I mean as you know gender is a is fluid and it is fluid You know so why not be able to explore it? So wait, this is interesting too. OK, now I'm on this, I says, relationship status. You can choose single, married, partnered, in a relationship dating, seeing someone or other. What other is there? Maybe you come up with your own. Wow, that's cool.

I know. OK, so that's inspiring. I'm glad, you know, I'm glad that you are, that you're doing that. You told me about this. Me too, yeah. Okay, so tell me about what else is going on. So, good day, bad day, we know.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm kind of like sort of on a little bit of a hold too, because I'm just getting so discouraged. Not on the, not on the, um. Well, I want everyone to sign up for this app now. Just do what we can talk about next week. If you're not a relationship, I want you guys to know that everything we're saying can also be used for yourself.

So, you can spice up your own sex life, your masturbation routine. If you've been wanting to date again, this is a great time. It's a great time to sort of check it out, you know? And then, like, so this would be good for people that are trying to find, somewhat like a third, right? Like a third or even like I was thinking about just

sort of getting like a quote unquote lover. Like they used to say in the 70s, I have a lover. You know, and I could go on to the open app and just look for someone like a friend with benefits and not feel super, like we both know what we're looking for and we both know that that we have this idea of sex that might be a little bit more progressive. Right.

You could say friends' benefits, although I don't know about friends yet, though. No, no, no. Or it could be casual. It could be like, yeah, you got to dinner. No strings. You know, no strings. So when they Google you, because Ellison is position

that I am, like your book will come out like Curvy Girl sex, and that you're sex educator. Yeah. So when they Google you because L is in this position that I am like your book will come up like curvy girl sex Yeah, and that your sex educator. Yeah And then do you feel that the first date then goes into sex right away? Well, I don't give them my last name. Oh, okay, so I just sort of talked to them and and you know I try and hold out as long as possible for not saying what I do and Yeah, yeah, but how soon if you okay? Let's say you meet someone and you're into it though for not saying what I do. And yeah.

But how soon, if you, okay, let's say you meet someone and you're into it though, how soon would you like to talk about sex, though? Forget what you do. I think it's different for everyone and where you are, you know what I mean? Like, it's different. It used to be for me, like, right away,

let's talk about it and then let's do it, you know? And now it's just, it's the place of my life. Now I just, I wanna talk about the, how much much it excites me the idea of being a sex educator, but I don't necessarily need to start Talking about you know what we want to do to each other immediately because I need that connection So let's talk about your your inspiration for curveical sex and the responses But I mean do it's been out, but I feel like people keep calling in and asking questions about it So people keep finding it too. So I'm constantly asking, being asked questions about it too. It's a great book, I think. It is, it's 101 positions, and it's great for every size of curvy girl and for curvy guys,

and for different sexualities and all of that, but it's sort of, I have found, for me, when I was writing the book, it gave me permission to try things that I thought might not work of, I have found, for me, when I was writing the book, it gave me permission to try things that I thought might not work, so I'm like, I'm doing it for science. So I would try different pillows, or I would try it in the shower, or try it outside on the, you know, the back of a truck, you know, go camping, all that kind of stuff. And so it was really interesting so that I could put myself through it and also be able to speak to it as well. Well, I love it because I love that it's a position book

because I feel like it's, I mean, it tips and positions because I feel that people are so limited, we're all limited and at what we think about sex, we think that there's missionary sex, there's a person on top, doggy style. And you're like, what else do I do now? But like to see that there's just variations, like lifting a leg or putting a pillow underneath you.

What does that look like a popular position that people keep saying, oh my god, this position just rocked my world. I wouldn't know about. They love position where the receiver has their back on the bed or the floor or whatever. And the legs are pulled back as far as they can go. Not all of us are limber but just pulled back enough so it opens up the genital area and then the

person who's giving is is just it's open for them there. You know what I mean? So there are many different ways to do that but it's all about sort of spreading the ... Spread it open, spread that open. That's a big one, and then anal sex is a big one. What's the popular, people would ask me this for the very, I love having another person here. I talk about this all the time.

Anal sex with us, people assume that it's just in one way, like it's doggy style. Missionary. Missionary, Aino. I mean, I think a lot of people do it that way. And it's just, you never think about it. So unless it has to be some weird offer. It has to be, because that makes it,

for some people, it makes it more intimate because you're looking at each other. Yeah, you're going in a different hole. Yeah. Right, exactly. going in a different hole. Yeah. Right, exactly. So that's really interesting. I think that the one people always think are limited by that. Yeah.

They're limited by how they think they can do it. Yeah. And no one is going to be able to do all of them. So if you can't do one, you just move on to another one. Well, that's what I like. I just hope people to know what the options are. And I think it's good to have a book by your bed that people can just look. Yeah. Look at it. I think it's what I like. I just hope people to know what the options are.

And I think it's good to have a book by your bed that people can just look at it or figure it out. I like the drawings of the positions in it too. Thank you. I didn't do them, but the person was very talented. Yeah. We didn't mention this, but LadyChicky.com. Yes, Lady Chicky's back.

So it's back? It's back. I found a new platform. OK, so amazing. Okay, so another thing that L does is she runs the award-winning sex positive porn site lady cheeky.com and it was on Tumblr got shut that whatever happened and now it's back already now. It's on a new platform called new tumble? Can people go now? Yeah, come on, did he know this? I thought I told you. I'm sorry. It wasn't even in the name. It wasn't even in the name.

No, it wasn't in the name. Sorry, it's not my fault. Listen, you guys, oh my god, this is whoop. OK, ladychicky.com, you for all the women out there and men who are asking me for, how do you explain your site? Ladychicky.com, I curate all of the porn that's on there. And it's very much based in desire and passion. And I only post things that turn me on.

So it's not just like hardcore porn, although there is some of that because everyone has moods. But, and it's a lot, it's a lot of proceeding. Because that's what we want. That's what we want. So it's not really artful, sad, really hard. It is so hot.

If you've been looking for porn, that makes you feel good. Yeah, I mean, there's a reason it was so popular You know one of the most popular and it's free. It's free. It's weird. I'm clicking on it now post Okay, I don't do this on the show. This is what I do. I'm like, I'll tech you but it's oh, oh, it's it's working right? Yes, okay good. Yeah, it's I'm so happy. It's this new It's this new company and I really hope they take off because they have just the best intentions of being able to let people express themselves. Can you go back though, because right now it's on a branch.

So starting again and posting all the new ones. So right now there's a few posts. Yeah, yeah, I have to, I can only re-blog from other people. I can't take content from elsewhere. Okay, so right now there's a few posts up there. Yeah, but more people that join and post their own shit. I can re blog Everyone should go join it that join new tumble join join new. It's like it's like tumblr but better

But that's where all the tumblr people who like porn are going. Yeah I'm sorry. I thought I told you Because I love it I thought I told you. Ah, because I love it. Because you're the thing. I don't always want to watch video with porn. I just want to look. It's great for a rouse-all.

For people, especially for women that don't want to go to a tube site. It's like a lot of women don't want to go to a tube site. They don't. And they want to be aroused with their partner. And it's a great thing for couples to look at or on your own. So what would you say out of all that we probably don't have it up there now, but what, because we can't see them all.

But was there a particular post that was the most popular or something? Yes. Oh, there was. And there's no nudity in it. And I have it on my Instagram, the lchase.com. Oh, at the lchase. At the lchase.com.

It is this, you've seen it. It's this guy kissing his girlfriend on the net. it's long and he's taking his time and it's authentic like she's getting turned on It's as if you are looking through the window in somebody's house and he's starting to seduce her and I must have I don't know I'm guessing 20,000 likes on that or something. And whenever I put it on Lady Chiki, people go bananas. Well, now I need to, okay, it's at the LJS on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, somewhere on there.

The LJS.com, I think we should post it. Can we post it on Instagram? We'll post it on thing. We'll post it somewhere. I'll find it. Definitely. But that one, because, and what do you think that is? I think people really want to feel desired

and they really want their partner to show their desire. You know? I think it's a very simple equation because in this, he's seducing her. He's seducing her and she is just sort of enjoying it and he's getting into it in such a way that it'd be like he'd be called a neck nerd.

You know what I mean? He pulls her hair away. Everything's gentle and then it's not. And then it, oh my God, it is, it is the sexiest thing I've ever seen. And I will, I will tweet it sometimes and I'll see, say, the best sex scene ever. And there is no nudity in it whatsoever. I love that because it's like it leaves a lot to the imagination.

Yeah. It gets your juices going. Could you go with you guys? I think that when a lot of people write in, you're calling, I know a lot of them are sex drivers, I'm interested in sex. I don't know if you just have it because you haven't had it or thought about it.

It's interesting to see something visually big. Oh yeah, that's it. Those are those feelings again. I'm feeling that tingling in my stomach again. You gotta use it to my, you know what I mean? You gotta use it to my, you gotta use it to my, my vulva. And vulva.

Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back, we're gonna get into your emails. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ All right, guys. I love answering your questions. So if you want a question answered on the show, just go to sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, and we got you. Or you can also email feedback at sexwithemily.com, but always include your name, your age, where

you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, thanks guys. This is from Stephanie, 37 in Belgium, and she writes, Hey Emily, my partner and I have been together for 12 years now. Our sex life is never bad but now our kids are older, we have more time to focus on ourselves and it's gotten so much better. So over the past few years, I've been extending my sexuality but last winter took an accelerated pace. My partner started working as a fun man for fun factory hosting adult home parties And it feels like an entire world is now opening up for us with a newfound sexual awakening

We both feel great talking about sex toys and relationships We also started swinging some weeks ago, and it's going great. So you might be wondering what's my question? I'm very enthusiastic about our experiences and I like to discuss sex I tend to forget that some people don't experience it in the same way and there's a lot of taboo around it I now feel insecure talking about it to certain parts of my family and friends and I want to be able to share these great experiences But how do I? How can I? Is there a way to loosen them up to be more accepting of this? I don't know where to find other like-minded spirits Thanks lots of big hugs from Stephanie. Thanks for doing what you do. Okay, Stephanie, I love this question because I totally understand where you're coming from when you

get really excited about something, you want to share it with the world. And when it comes to sex, I have to do with the same things as well. I have to realize that most people are not at all where we're at. Like, I'm so comfortable talking about sex. I've been studying, but you have to understand most of the world does consider it taboo. They've probably never had a conversation about it to anybody, including their partners or their parents, and they know once you get into it, you forget that. That's like, oh, yeah, this is really kind of strange. So what I do is, you have to meet people where they're at. And so for example, with your friends and family, you can just say, yeah, lately our relationship's got a lot of stronger because we've really been focusing on

communicating about our sex life. We realized we never did that before. And then you could see if people ask questions, well, what do you mean by that? You could say, well, you know, I realized in the past things were getting a little boring. And then we decided to try something new. And then so it's like, you don't start with, oh my God, we're having swinging and having parties and all the toys, even though that is your real experience. Again, you have to be a really good listener and just drop enough, for example, when I'm out in the world and people ask you what I do, I say, I'm a sex therapist, I help people talk about sex and have better relationships.

And then I see if they ask questions, we'll tell me more about that. They'll say, what's the most common question you could ask, Emily? And so, I don't start with, oh God, everyone wants anal. You know, I'm being honest, you're squirting. People just aren't ready for that. So I just say, well, a lot of people have been together a long time and they don't often talk about sex.

So they have mismatched libidos or they have, you know, a lot of women don't orgasm. And I just start listing things and seeing if they're interested. a lot of women don't orgasm and I just start listing things and seeing if they're interested. But again, I don't run into my whole thing, I don't proselytize, you know, get, think that everybody has to even listen to my show or talk about sex, but I tell them about my experience with people and how it changes their lives. So maybe you can just kind of pick and choose the information that you're going to give

and allow people to ask questions. As far as finding your like-minded spirit, I think the same thing goes. Because for me, I didn't have a lot of people in this industry when I started, but even when I'm out of parties, I know the people that are really interested and they want to talk about it, and that's how I found my people, just by doing the same things that you will do with your friends and family and seeing who's interested and the more you're honest about it with people. And you'll find them soon enough

because they're out there, but not everyone's advertising it because of the same experiences that you're having right now. So I love that you're doing this to their husband and I think you guys will be able to get some more people on board and be spreading the good word about how people could really open up and experiment with toys and I think it's all great.

So you just gotta, it's new and you're excited. So go slow and just pay attention to people's reactions and I think it's all great so you just got to, it's new and you're excited so go slow and just pay attention to people's reactions and I think it's great that you're doing the Stephanie so keep me posted. Teran 29 in Colorado. Emily I love all your insight and communication and how to talk to your partner. However I feel like I've hit a wall. My husband and I've been together for almost five years now. I feel like sex and passion are non-existence. I've asked him about his fantasies, what lingerie he likes, what toys he wants to try, what I can do differently, and his response is always the same. I don't know, anything you do is good. I'm so frustrated because

even though he says that everything is good, I can't help but feel like our sex life is the same as doing the dishes or taking out the trash. It's routine and boring. I feel like I've put all the work with no responses and I'm running out of options and the desire to be with them. How do I let a fire in him that I'm not even sure he knows how to burn? Please help, love to you and the crew, thanks.

All right, Terran, this is a great question. This is the question, okay? I think that most people, if they've never talked about sex, are gonna answer that way. I don't know, he doesn't wanna is the question, okay? I think that most people, if they've never talked about sex, are going to answer that way. I don't know. He doesn't want to rock the boat and everything you do is great. And you're right. He might not know at this point what even makes him feel good. So I think that he might need some more examples from you about what your fantasies are and what you like to try. Because if you give him that opening, you say, I understand that you think everything is good,

but let me share with you some things that I've been thinking about. I think it'd be really fun if we brought some toys in the bedroom. My fantasy would be to mutually masturbate. And then have him try something new out. Maybe he doesn't really know what you mean. So if you bring in your one experience that you want to try

and you try to try and you try it and then afterwards you have a talk with them about it, you know, not that same day, not in the bedroom, but after it, you're like, well, what did you think about that? Maybe he just, you need you to lead him. And again, another way to do it is you could download our yes-no maybe list that we have on the site. You could read a book together, you could get my book hot sex and the two of you could open that up to any page and be like, what would you want this, what would you want that? You could watch porn together and pick out scenes that seem interesting to both of you because you have to understand that if it's not only hard to talk about, it might be if he might have some ideas and not really know how to share them, but also he might

never really thought about it. We always assume that men of all these ideas, and it's kind of a stereotype that they're always thinking about sex and have all these fantasies. It is not the case for every man. And so just like it's not the case for every woman. So he just might need to be led there a little bit. He might need to kind of experience what you mean by spicing it up and doing different things. And then that's where he has to start. Some of us need to jump into an experience to feel it to actually know what else we want. You know, I don't think we can decide yet that he doesn't know how to burn the fire, burn the light and keep it going.

I just think he needs you to help him a little bit more and then go from there. So do you suggest that maybe she just kind of presented to him, but how would she be able to, you know, have him vocalize how he feels and like what he wants and stuff like that? Like do you think it'll take a little while before you start to talk to him? Yeah, it might take a little bit of while. Yeah, I think you just have to go patient and introduce something new to him.

And like, yeah, it might take a little bit but I feel like she's been doing all the talking right now. Right? She's asking about his fantasies, his lingerie, his toys. I think it's time for her to say, Terran, for you to say, here's a lingerie. I like, let's try this toy together and actually start doing it.

And then, because that is the words, if we have it, you have to remember that we're all in this, Michelle, we work here, we're doing it. But if they've been having sex the same way for five years and she's all of a sudden, like, he's probably great, I'll try it. So then once you're in it, then she can be like, well, was that good for you? Was there anything you would change? And then maybe it'll be like, well, was that good for you? Was there anything you would change? And then maybe it'll be like, oh, I understand it now. Yeah.

Maybe he feels like he's being put on the spot. Yeah. He's like, oh, shit. I don't even know. He might be feel put on the spot. He might be afraid of being judged. Maybe he had a partner in the past and he told the partner he wants to, you know, masturbate together.

And she was like, oh, no, that's wrong. I mean, we have to remember that we don't actually remember where early messages have come to us. And so he just might be shut down to talk about sex and he was told from his parents or something at a young age, now for to talk about it, just say yes to your partner, whatever they want. There's a lot of conditioning that happens that goes under the radar that we're not even aware of.

So that's why I think what you're doing is great, Terran, and now he might need to actually experience it. And then from there, then he'll have something to talk about. Right. Steer him in the right direction. Steer him in the right direction, and then see what happens there. All right. Thanks, Michelle.

Do you want to read the next one? Sure. Okay. I love this one. All right. So this next email is from Chip. He's 44 and from Illinois. He says, Hello, Emily.

Long time listener. I have a new girlfriend, and the sex is amazing. She shared with me that she likes to be spanked. I've never done that and my sex style is very loving, passionate and gentle, love-making. If I spank my girlfriend, am I still making love to her or is it just sex? I would like to do it because she likes to be spanked, but I'm not sure how to do that in a passionate and loving way. Okay, this is such a great question, Chip, because you're right.

Like, spanking is not passionate in lovemaking. It still means that you don't, you still love her. But she's just saying, hey, I think it'd be really hot. You know, there's a lot of nerve endings on the butt. It's just a little bit of a dominance, like you're dominating her and spanking her. And that is a really hot fantasy for a lot of women. So it's really not passionate in lovemaking, but you can do it in a way that like after you spanker, you can kind of rub around her butt and kind of like smooth it.

So it's not like you just keep whacking her. So we have a blog on the site too that I'd love you to check out called Spank Me Baby one more time. You can just go to our website and search Spank. First of all, you want to have consent. So obviously she has consented to it, but you also want to make sure that you start very softly.

So I feel like you just want to do a little bit of light tapping on the butt and just feel like, see, and test and see how it feels to her. And you want to warm up the butt. So you want to make sure you're kind of squeezing it and you're sort of playing with it and warming it up. You could do small circles around it, like working it inwards and outwards and increasing the pressure and the rubbing as you go,

just to make sure that you warm it up and you kind of prepare it. And so you also wanna make sure that your hands are closely together. You put your fingers closely together and that you want to start low and slow, meaning you're at the bottom of your butt and where it's like the fleshy part

and you wanna kind of spank up. So, so you really want to do like a rapid spanking going up and you want to do the target areas that have thick muscles are patting. So usually the butt is the best place. Back of thighs are more sensitive. You want to avoid the kidneys and the spine and any area that says bones near the surface. And so you could have her bent over your knee, she could be on her hands and knees, leaning across the bed.

And so just make sure that she wants to, you know, that she's breathing and that you're breathing and that you're checking in with each other. So you might be, and now also it's okay to ask her for some feedback. So you just wanna do maybe a light spank and then she might say harder,

and then you do it harder. And then you also wanna like maybe rub and kiss around it and you spank again So that you have to explain to her that you want to do it You want to please her, but you might need a little bit of guidance You might also want to watch some porn together that has some spankings or you could learn some skills Because I don't you know, it's kind of I'm explaining to you now and I don't video right now to show you in this moment So it's like it's okay to do some research of your own. It's okay to look up, spaking, and then to ask her and build it together. So I understand that you love passionate love making, but I think trying something new will even spark the flames more. Because anytime couples add something new to their routine, it actually can enhance

their intimacy. So go so it's okay to ask for some feedback from her and see how it goes. It might be something new to it. We'll get to scoop motion. We're going for the bottom of the up. Bottom to the top. I love it. This one comes from Joe. He's 26 from Canada.

He says, I've started dating a woman in her late 20s who said in her own words that she is a virgin in every sexual aspect. For context, I was her first kiss. She since then has expressed significant interest in exploring her sexuality with me. But whenever we do anything, I find her to be extremely unresponsive to any form of touch. Whenever we are intimate in any way, she's completely unresponsive and does the bare minimum. When we make out, it can feel like kissing a wall. I understand that I understand this most likely comes from her inexperience, but this makes it

unpleasurable for myself. I have encouraged her to use her hands to explore either her body or mind during intimate times, but still nothing. My question is, how can I get her to be more responsive when we kiss or are intimate? Or how can I bring up the issue without negatively affecting her confidence in an area she is already uncomfortable with. Thank you. All right, Joe. Here's the deal.

In reading that she's in her late 20s and she hasn't had any sexual experiences, she hasn't kissed, she hasn't touched. And so what I'm here and she's unresponsive makes me feel like maybe she's had some trauma in her life. Perhaps, you know, I'm not saying that everybody who's a virgin at all, I'm not saying that has had trauma, but the way that she's not really responding and she feels like she sort of shut down

or disassociating during sex. Now, I'm not saying you should even go into her day, I think you have trauma, but this is what I'm feeling from this. And so really, she's, if she has no experience even kissing, I mean, this is a longer road for her. Now, you can say it's okay, like let's play,

let's let's play, let's get relaxed. Like maybe she needs to warm up her body, which should be open to like you misaging her and taking some deep breaths and relaxing. And you know, I'm curious if she would share with you if she's done any masturbation, if she's ever felt comfortable touching herself, or maybe you can ask her in a loving way.

Like, what do you think it's about that you, you know, why she thinks she's still like a virgin or gets some more information around it? I don't know, you know, how much she will open up to you, but to be, this is just a really big job for you, Joe, to like have to open her up in every way. And it sounds like you're making her feel safe. I don't know how long you've been with her either,

you said you just started dating her, so it could be just a matter of being patient and telling her that you find her really attractive and like, you know, maybe you even take her hands and you slowly put them on your body like on your shoulders or on your waist and then you just keep checking in. Does this feel okay? Does this feel okay? Like she literally might not know what to do. It's like if she's never driven and someone says they're behind a steering wheel, like she might like she does, she's terrified. Like she does. She's never driven in someone's sister behind a steering wheel. Like she might, like she does, she's terrified. Like she does, she's never driven it. She's never driven another body or her own.

So she freezes up and again, and maybe she did earlier experiences that weren't great. And I think this is a common scenario. So you know, maybe you could show her and say, like, listen, I'm gonna kiss you. You can just lay back. I think it'd be, you know, open our tongue and you can kind of like show her to how to like move her mouth

around. Like I have a boyfriend once who like to like grab my mouth and open it and show me with his tongue how he like to be kissed and we did this thing together and I appreciate that. I was like, okay, let's begin to do that. And you just keep it playful and light because it sounds like it's probably also she's in her late 20s. So it's a really sensitive topic for her because she's waited this long. But what I like is that she's trusting you.

So you might have to go slower and just tell her that you want to be the best, you know, supportive partner, but it also takes some guidance and she opened to that and so, and see what happens. But you might have to do a little bit more guiding hand holding and also keep checking in with her. Yeah, yeah.

Cause she gave the consent, so, but just checking in. She gave the consent, but you got to keep checking in. And she says he's encouraged her to use her hands and explore, but nothing. Right. So that's why he's got to shut her down. But do you mind if I take your hands and show you what? Yeah, and I asked the question too.

He doesn't want to freak out, especially if she's had trauma beforehand. You don't want to trigger anything that's seen up in. Right, so you really got to go slow and be patient with this one. Yeah. Jeff, 23 Washington. Hi, Emily. I have an issue every time and be patient with this one. Jeff, 23 Washington. Hi Emily, I have an issue every time I have sex with my girlfriend. The foreskin on my penis gets very irritated and I don't understand why. There isn't any dry friction and I've been using Loube and she gets very wet during sex.

But it hurts so bad that I can barely manage to pull the foreskin back without having immense pain afterwards. I make sure to stay clean and wash it with warm water and soak multiple times a day, but for some reason, it only happens when we have sex and I feel it immediately. This never happened with my previous girlfriend either. We only have sex on the weekends due to our schedules, and although it isn't sore during the weekdays, the skin peels and cracks almost like it's very dry.

I should also include that I am diabetic, but I have been for a long time for four years, and this is pretty recent for six months. What do I do? I just want to enjoy having sex without any pain, because thanks to you, sex is very great. Thank you so much for your help. Jeff, thank you so much for your question.

So here's the thing that could be going on since you have diabetes, you could have something called balanitis and it's an infection on the tip of your penis. So you want to talk to your doctor about your complete medical history so he can treat you properly. So this is actually has to do with the diabetes even it just started happening. So that's what I think you got to talk to them about. That's really what it could be. There might be some treatments he can give you. It could be the medications you're taking so that would be the first order of business.

It actually is. I was doing some research for you and it is related to diabetes because you're young. Because for some people they can have four skin problems when they get older. When they're older and they could just get irritations or infections they might have to get circumcised later in life. They get looser, like everything wrinkles in time, like your face wrinkles, your foreskin, but you're 23 years old. So let's get you checked out by your doctor and see what he says. So, or she says, thanks for the email.

The last one is from Jamie, no age, was provided and from Illinois. Hey Emily, I recently found your podcast and I cannot get enough. I've learned so much. So my husband is more sexually experienced than I am. We are very open and he shared with me that the porn he prefers involves a male making a female squirt. It really turns him on and has expressed his desire to make me squirt. One problem though, I don't know how.

He said he knows everything in porn is fake except the squirting. And that if a woman squirtsirts then the man did his job. Is there something I can do? Even can every woman squirt or am I a lost cause? Oh you're not a lost cause at all. Jamie is okay. So here's the thing. Most things in porn are fake. Even the squirting. Let me just tell you that. People are having real organisms all the time. There could be fake ejaculate. There could be fake female ejaculate. So now here's the thing about squirting.

I don't know that every single woman can, but you can definitely, every woman can try, definitely. And so some of the tips for trying are, your partner can do it with his finger, and it's mostly from internal G-spot stimulation. So he could go in and apply pressure with his hands. You could use a vibrator like the WeVive RAVE is a great one.

I call it the G-Spot GPS, and it's also like can help you go in and kind of, you just want to keep applying pressure to it, like intense pressure to the G-Spot internally, and make sure your bladder is empty so then you'll start to feel like you actually have to pee and then you just kind of let it all out. It can also happen using the magic wand for many women on your pubic mount. You can kind of apply that pressure because that's indirect stimulation to the G-spot.

So really just a matter of letting go, it can help to have an orgasm first, like a literal orgasm, and they just kind of warm up that area. You can play with different positions, but it's really all about that internal penetration whether it's a bitch of finger or a penis or a toy. I love that he's into it and he wants to try it, but don't feel bad if it doesn't happen. It is a choice. If you want to squirt or not. I feel like we haven't had a squirting question in a while.

We have it. We got people love squirting. People love squirting. I know. Well, I'm here for you. We also have some squirting stuff on the site if you want to check it out. Thank you so much L Chase for being here for the site. If you want to check it out, thank you so much. L Chase for being here for the show.

Thank you to my amazing team. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you, Kristen Ken and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleab.com. you