Sex With Emily - Single Shenanigans with Scheana Shay

Episode Date: January 12, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Scheana Shay – host of the podcast Scheananigans with Scheana Shay and star of the Bravo show Vanderpump Rules & they’re talking about being single, masturbation, & so much more.   They discuss why freezing your eggs may be something to you want to consider and how being single for awhile – after jumping from relationship to relationship – can help you realize what you actually need. Plus Emily gives advice on making sex compromises – and actually sticking to them and how to get past the bedroom panic and into pleasure.   Thank you for supporting our sponsors that help keep the show FREE.  Adam & Eve, Woo More Play, SiriusXM, We-Vibe Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemily  Follow Scheana Shay on Instagram @Scheana For even more sex advice, tips and tricks go to sexwithemily.com.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex Thumbelie. On Today's show, I'm doing by Sheenishae, host of the podcast Shenanigans with Sheenishae, and star of the Bravo Show Vanderpump rules, and we're talking about being single, masturbation, and so much more. Topics include freezing your eggs and why it may be something to consider. Why being single for a while after jumping from relationship to relationship can help you realize what you actually need, Making sex compromises and actually sticking to them and how to get over panic in the bedroom and get into more pleasure. All this and more, thanks for listening. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, what do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm not going to be a girl. I'm not going to be a girl. I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com. Have you not seen her website yet?

You should see how awesome it is. How it's set up to help you have better sex and relationships. You can also find me on series XM Monday through Friday, 5 o'clock Pacific, 8 o'clock East, and Channel Stars 109 for even more sex talk. It's a good show, it's a good time. You can also get a free trial. Go to sexzendly.com slash S X M and as always, you can find us on our social media at sex with Emily across the board. All right guys, I hope you enjoy this interview

with Sheena Shea and then we're gonna get into your emails. Sheena Shea is here with me. Hi. Hi Sheena, you're a recognizer from Vanderprop rules on Bravo and she's got a podcast, a podcast one, Shenanigans, which I was on. It was so fun. Thank you, yeah, I loved being on your show.

We actually mentioned you on one that I did today. What did you say? Well, I did a single girls' guide to getting through the holidays while not getting depressed. Right. Good one. And I just said, I said not necessarily for me, but I said for those of you who are into this sort of thing, I said, you know, buy yourself a sex toy. Like go shopping.

That's not so true. We talked about that, but the two girls who were on my podcast felt the same way about me that we've never done that. I was like, yeah, me either. Okay, so I brought that up because I brought you some sex toys. You did.

I've used the lube and the mouth stuff by the blow job space right there. Yes, that's what I do. Do you use it during blow jobs or do you use it? Because I use it for the show and blow jobs, but I use it to like clear my throat. Yeah, no, just for the blow job space right there. Yeah, that's the one. So I do use it during blow jobs or do you use it? Because I use it for the show and blow jobs, but I use it to like clear my throat. Yeah, no, just for the blow job so far. Okay, got it.

Yeah, just for the blow job, how that go? Good. It keeps your mouth looped. Yeah, when you would dry mouth. Yes, right? Yeah, so that's good. Okay, so I haven't tried the tour yet, but it's okay that your mom's here.

We're talking about your sex. Yeah, I mean, my mom's been hearing about it all day. Okay, perfect. So you know what? Because let me tell you why, I believe that we don't talk about sex enough in the world. Yeah. And I'm like,

and I'm like, you two mom, let's say I bang this guy, but we're just, Oh, no, that is my conversation. Well, right, my mom too. But not everyone's like, okay, good. So we don't have to worry about that at all.

So you did a show on single, so you're single right now. Yeah, how's that going? I know you're like, I'm spinning out. You're in now. Oh, that's good. I think, oh, yeah, since last August. Okay. Yeah. And it's fun. Yeah. And you are, um, so you're not, so there's, you've used the loop in the blow job, it's been masturbation. No, it hasn't. No, it's a toy. Just having, it's okay. So what else is going on with you? What's the latest? Um, so, yeah, I was just doing podcasts all day today.

This morning I met with Dr. Gidear at Southern California Reproductive Centers. I'm gonna get my eggs frozen. So I just went today for step one, which is blood work, and then I'll have to go back and do like an ultrasound next week and the more blood work. And then start all these prenatal vitamins and all of this stuff tomorrow. It told me I have to cut out alcohol and weed. So, well, you're gonna be really productive, maybe next week.

But he said I only have to cut out sex for the 10 to 12 days of shots. And I can use that as a stress period. 12 days, you can do anything. Yeah, and maybe you'll get all your holiday shopping done early. Yeah. So tell me about freezing your eggs. How old are you?

I'm 33, I'll be 34 in May. Okay, so what came of what was that about? Um, I mean, I'm I'm smart. I don't see myself. I don't see that status really changing I don't see myself having kids in the next few years and I just think I have the means to I can afford to do it right now I don't have a ton of things going on while we're not filming like I have my music I'm doing in the studio and my podcast But that doesn't take up all of my time every day. So I just felt like this is a good time.

I don't have any trips booked until February. Just get it done now. So then I can just go to Australia and New Zealand in February. And just know that it's done. So that's great. So I think that is now. We now have the have freezing eggs.

And I think a lot of women are doing just to do it before the age of 37. So you can actually don't take that pressure off. Yeah. I'm dating someone going, oh my god, my clock is taking and all that. Exactly. So I have a question for you.

So you said you've been single now for a year and a half. Almost. Like a year and an August number. I don't know. That's good. But I know that you were in a lot of relationships. And I did this. I was in relationship after relationship.

And then I took a break. I think I was about your, I think I was like 34, 35. I was like, you know what? I need to figure out who I am, like who's Emily without a man in my life. Yes. So have you done some of that?

Like what does it feel like or what have you learned? So I mean, I was in, I was single for like six years and then I was in a relationship that turned into a marriage and divorce for the next six years. And then I got into another one right after that and then when that ended, I've just stayed single. I mean, and people keep saying, you're hopping from guy to guy and I'm like, that's called that. And then when that ended, I've just stayed single. I mean, people keep saying, you're hopping from guy to guy.

And I'm like, that's called dating. That's not relationships. Exactly. I have not been in a relationship with anyone since my ex boyfriend and that ended last August. So I've been single since then. I've dated a lot, I've traveled a lot. I did a show in Vegas for the first half of the year.

I was headlining out there, which was so much fun. And you must meet, so yeah, you meet a lot of guys. Yeah, especially in Vegas for the first half of the year. I was headlining out there, which was so much fun. And you must meet a lot of guys. Yeah, especially in Vegas. Vegas isn't really easy place to meet hot guys. You just like go to their show and then you meet them after. You go to their show, whatever they're playing, or you know, like Magic Maker,

Trapezole, or Thunder from Down Under. That's hot, right? Right at the meant. What's your type? Tall, dark and handsome usually, I mean, but I have different types. Like, it just depends. I mean, it's not all about looks,

but you know, I like someone who's got something to hold onto, some muscles, like a little over six foot. Yeah, that's what you think it is. So I'm always, I mean, I definitely have a type two. I like tall or like things like that. But what about, is there anything that you've thought since you've been more single now?

Any work on like, what is important to you? Like as far as like values or something that you won't deal with anymore? I won't deal with anyone who's selfish and narcissistic like someone I dated was. I want someone who's not necessarily always going to put me first to understand other things happen in life that take priority,

but just who's not gonna put me like fifth. And when I'm in, I'm all in. And that's one thing with me, I tend to spoil the person I'm with right away. And I just do so much for them that I think it gets taken advantage of really early. And I just wanna be with someone who can do a little bit of that for me too.

Yeah, that makes sense. The time away makes you realize, yeah, like that. And then you start dating people, you're like, oh, you don't have, this isn't feel good, we're together. Like I think sometimes we go out with people where we're attracted to them and we forget, like no, these are the things that I need. Like you were a dick, you were mean to the waiter,

you were cheap. Yeah. And like with my life, these are the things that I need. You were a dick, you were mean to the waiter, you were cheap. Yeah. And with my life, I mean, my life is very public. I don't have the luxury of having much privacy. So I need to be with someone who is okay with that, doesn't want to be on the show, but is okay being on the show, but isn't trying to talk about that for a minute. So what's that like? You have, you know, on Vanderpump rules, like super successful show.

I mean, it's in people, everyone loves this show. And so in an LA, like how do you deal with that? Like with fame, do you feel like you can weed out guys, you might just want to date you because you're on a show or you must get so much attention and meet, you know. That's probably why I'm still single because either no one can handle it

or they feel intimidated by it or I make more money than them. And just I think there's just a lot of pressure no one can handle it or they feel intimidated by it or I make more money than them and just I think there's just a lot of pressure and attention that comes into my life with anyone I'm dating because you know I did publicly get engaged married and divorced and gone through another break up so it's like anyone knows like the second we start dating and if that's on Instagram it's like you're gonna have attention on you now too. So I need to be with someone who is man enough to deal with that,

but isn't trying to use me for that attention at the exact same time. Exactly, and then what if you met someone who's like, yeah, I don't want to be public though, but I still... Everyone says that. That's the first thing they lead with. I don't care about the show. I don't want to be on the show. And I'm like, you realize that you have to say that. Because if you don't, then I'm going to assume that.

So everyone says that. It's just a matter of time until you find that you have to say that. Because if you don't, then I'm going to assume that. So everyone says that. It's just a matter of time until you find out if they actually mean it. Right, but wouldn't it be great if they didn't though if they really meant it? Yeah. I did a Bravo show like six years ago. Right.

Living in San Francisco, I think we talked, it was a misadvised. And it's so crazy San Francisco because nobody wanted to be on the show. None of my friends, I had a boyfriend at the time and he was like, I will not be on the show. I was like, but they won't, you have to be. And he's like, no, I won't do it.

And then I had to break up with him because it was a dating show. I'm like, I thought he could come on and just be on it. My friends didn't want to be on it. They had to try to find no one wanted to be on the show. So here though, everyone's in the biz. They want to be on the show. Yeah.

Totally different world. It's crazy. How was it when you were shooting like, how do you feel about, I mean, obviously, you still keep doing it. I don't know if you're like, talk about it. Like, I could talk about my stuff now because it was six years ago,

but like, do you ever look at it and go, that wasn't how I'm portrayed or do you think overall now the net net of the six seasons you've been wearing? Yeah, this is seven, yeah. Seven seasons, it is kind of you. No, not at all. I think you two, it's such a different side

of me the last couple years, I think. In the beginning, it was very different side of me the last couple years, I think in the beginning it was very me. And then after I got married, I think I just kind of got caught up in, you know, just not like the fame, I mean, we're not famous by any means. But just like the attention and all the publicity and press and events. And I think I got really caught up that I kind of forgot

to put my relationship first for a while. My husband was struggling with addiction at the time. And I wasn't the best person who was there for him. I was more of an enabler and didn't even realize it. So after that ended, I felt like I was more myself again but then I hopped back into another relationship and then I realized watching that back last season. I mean, it was like cringe worthy.

Like there were so many episodes that I just like fast-forwarded through my scenes because I just couldn't watch myself. I was like, that is not me, but they're like, she knew, but that's who you were all summer. And I'm like, but that's just not who I am. But that's actually how they ended it together too.

Oh yeah, because- In some way, like they were all the only showed my relationship. They didn't show any friendships or any things going on outside of my relationships. So my whole storyline was just one story, whereas it could have been five different things, but they chose to only show one. So people are only seen in a annoying side of me being obsessed

with my boyfriend and not any other good thing I did or any time I was there for one of the girls when they needed me, they show Lisa there instead. And I was like, I was the one who comforted her first. Like I was there. Right. But they didn't show any of that stuff. So I was frustrated. You can't do anything with that. It's frustrating, but they didn't show any of that stuff. So I was frustrated.

You can't do anything with that. It's frustrating because you can't go back. I mean, I remember there was some fight they created with this guy who's dating. I'm like, we never got in fight. Like, how did you do that? Yeah. Chop it all up.

So then what would you want people? So let's say there's some of us who know, and he's like, God, I've been obsessed with she and I'd love to date her. But like, she seems like I don't know whatever. She's going through guys. And what would you want people to know about you? What's the real thing? I mean, I think I'm hoping just based on the life I lived

this past summer and what we filmed. I mean, I'm hoping that you will see the real me. I mean, we have so many episodes. I don't even know how many. So it's gonna be a progression of just getting to know where I'm at in my life now a lot more. But I'm just, I'm very down to earth, I'm very humble, I'm family oriented, like my mom's here with me right now. No, I love this. But I'm just, I'm very kind and giving and everyone is like, you know, you have such a big heart, but it's just always taken advantage of. But I'm just trying to, especially like at my age, like I'm not looking for love by any means, but I'm trying to not be closed off to an opportunity. Right.

Okay, that's good. That's a good way to be putting yourself first, which sounds really selfish, but the best time to do it is when you're single and you work on it, you're like your freezing your eggs. Right. You have a girl's over doing podcasts. How do you be a really good single person?

Because when I'm in a relationship, I put that person first and foremost and myself is on the back burner. But see, I don't think you should do that either. I know, I think that I learned learning. Yeah, I know. I'm like, thank you. But I think that that is a thing that we often do.

And I think it's women were taught, where maybe your mom was like that with your family, who knows? But we're pleasers. And we give and we forget that we have to take care of ourselves. Yeah. And what I've also found is that in life, that's that's really hot and sexy to men that we have you have your own life And they're just right. It's not like we're half person looking for another person to make us whole It's like you want to go into a relationship when you're whole, uh-huh, so sounds like that direction going

Yeah, so I'm just I'm again just putting myself first right now and I'm gonna be freezing my eggs first of this year. It's crazy, that's exciting though. Yeah, it's exciting. Are you filming it? No, because the show's done filming now. No, filming the eggs things. But what about, people don't know about band-a-pop rules.

A lot of our listeners, like just say, wow, explain the show. It's a shit show. It is, but amazing. I mean, it's like the hills on steroids, but not scripted. Right. We all, our friends are having a divorce. But you work together, some of them live together.

You know, there's a lot of relationships. There's been a lot of cheating. There's been a lot of fighting, a lot of drama. But we all love about it. What do you think is a success? What do you think? I mean, it's very entertaining. It is. But also, I think a lot of our storylines are very relatable

Just even like going through the divorce and dealing with my husband's addiction and things that I've gone through in my life like so many Thousands of people can relate to how did you do with the addiction? What was he addicted to? It started out with pain killers and then it was just excessive marijuana and drinking and then it was out-of-all and it was just it was always one vice-after another okay and then how did you deal with it while you ended it yeah but is it like when did you earn a naveler I didn't realize I mean that I was making was providing this lifestyle for him and I didn't know that so when I thought he was paying for studio time he was paying for pills so I was enabling this without even really knowing.

I just made it easy for him. Okay. So that's the thing to watch out for. Diction's a tough one, unless they want to get help. They're not going to get help. It's really tough. So I'm glad you got out of that place. Me too.

And even just me doing that was like another thing that so many women said was inspiring because it's easier to stay and be unhappy. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of money to do for it. It does, right? But you did it. You're not here now. So what's the things that you're most excited for then next? So I just got back in the music studio.

I'm going to release an EP in a few months, early spring. So that's exciting. I wrote the first song that I've ever written. It's called Better Without You. And it's like a breakup song. But I'm gonna put that out around Valentine's Day for all the single ladies. Love breakups. Yeah, and it's catchy. It's upbeat. It's like Island vibes. It's really happy. So I'm focusing a lot on that right now. My podcast that I do weekly. And did you have our show? Because I bought this in a country. It was so much fun. I came back to my office and I told them, I'm like, I love talking to them about sex,

because you know also you're sitting here now, you're the interview, that's also always more, I think it's more fun, but also just like the conversations we had about. Oh totally. Organisms and we just got there. And I still have that back next to my bed. So like the little, the, the, the,

the orgasm stuff. Because I was, can I just say this? I was, I really, I want you to have an orgasm. Like I've been, I have, I want you to have a couple times. Okay, right. You think. But this is why we did a caller.

Or was an email who was like, I don't know if I've had an orgasm. So I want this for you. But I want someone to give it to me. I don't want to try. I don't want to give it to myself. But why? I'll just get it borrowed. I don't want to try to give it to myself. But why? I'll just get bored.

You won't, but have you tried? Yeah. It's just, I feel like if I'm not in it mentally, then I'm just forcing myself and I'm not gonna enjoy it. But what gets you turned? Do you know what turns you on? A guy touching me. Like who I'm attracted to and then kissing me.

And just that's what turns me on. I don't just sit at home and get turned on. Like I don't think about sex or like watch porn or anything. I used to but I really don't anymore. I get it because I'm not often, I mean it's I'm talking about sex all day and I'm like okay I don't want to go mass-wit. And so as I do so and I don't but I know that it often makes me feel better and I don't walk in going I'm in the mood we're not like dudes a lot.

We're not always top of mind sex, thinking Jamie might be. But I know. But I'm not, right? You are thinking about sex. You're not. No, I'm like a dude in that side. So this is why I think the missing link

is you going home and masturbating no pressure. No pressure for me and no pressure on yourself to have anything happen. But what if you're like like first of all, you're gonna be getting the eggs? I eggs. But that's gonna be a thing. You're gonna be on hormones, you're gonna feel not great. I'm just planting the seed here. Yeah. That when you're in bed and you're watching movies over the next few weeks, because you're gonna have some days. If you take out that little tango

like I view the, I think it was the Wevibe tango. Uh-huh. And you plug it and you're just like, maybe you're tracing it. If you're arm, like, how does it feel? When I have someone touches me, you might like, in a wrist, and you're just like, maybe you're tracing it, if you're arm, like how does it feel when I, that someone touches me in my, like, in a wrist and then you just kind of have it there with you, it feels good and see what happens. Even if sex isn't have mind,

it's a kind of thing that vibration is gonna take your, like, oh, that feels good. Because then when you're in a relationship, it'll make you even more like, able to move and stuff. Okay, so I'm just checking in about it. Yeah. Okay, I have it.

Yeah, I can. I know. You'll be the first to know. You promise? Yes. Like, you, we don't have to know, you could text me, but I'm thinking about it. Yes. Because that's the role I play here on the universe is like the orgasm person, like orgasm,

fairy. I was that once for Halloween. I held the magic wand. That is so true. She was. It was very once for Halloween. I held the magic wand. That is very true. She was. It was very cute. It was so cute. It was my gotta love that.

It's not orgasm fairy, because I just wanted to like bless orgasm all around. Yeah. So it's good. Did you, so what was the single tips for the holidays? We all need it. Oh, I would need to grab my notebook. Let me see.

I wrote them all down. There were so many. I love it though, because we've been talking about the holidays are a bummer. First of all, a lot of people break up over the holidays. A lot of you were alone over the holidays. And what I found is it just like community.

Like at reaching out to people, reach out to your friends, like doing the things, like keeping busy, like I think you can place as much emphasis as you want on the holidays or not, but really like just be with your buddies. Yeah, so this will be out on Tuesday, but I said, you know, like throw a holiday party, go to an amusement park, volunteer,

buy yourself a sex toy, take us to a porn trip. Take us to a porn trip. Okay, spa day or night, game night, holiday movies, shopping, get a tree, decorate it with some girlfriends, eat a lot of food and worry about your diet in January. I said find like a funny way where if your family's like asking you like, oh, where's your boyfriend or something like find a funny way to be self-deprecating about it and to like

make fun of yourself and to kind of make them feel stupid. I just like, oh my god, you know what? That was what I was supposed to ask Santa for. I forgot. I needed a boyfriend like my bad. Let me go find that. Like just say something to, you know, but you was what I was supposed to say to Santa for, I forgot. And I needed a boyfriend, like my bad. Let me go find that. Just say something to, you know. But you gotta get prepared for that.

If your family gives you pressure. Start a new tradition, cross an item off your bucket list, listen to good music, do you, and don't go back to an ex. Oh, I love it. Have you done the thing of gone, you go back to exes, have you done that? No, okay.

Good. They keep popping back up. They always circle back. Yeah. They often circle back. Yeah. They often circle back. But I've never gotten back with the next after like a hard breakup. That's good.

I think that's healthy. Yeah, I used to sometimes sleep with my X's but I never got back together. Usually when you break up, there's a reason. Yeah. You're like, I know why this ended. We went through the whole process. So, you know, not a great XX.

I mean, sometimes XX is fun, but don't do the full. Get back to the other end. Yeah, no, no, no. So what do you want to cross off your bucket list? What's on the bucket list? Well, I don't do the full good. Yeah, no, no, no. So what do you want to cross off your bucket list? What's on the bucket list? Well, I can't do that before the year ends, but Australia and New Zealand is top of my bucket list.

I did a fun or for work. I'm going to make it a little bit of a work trip. Because. Because I'm right it off. Yeah, that too. But Vanderbohm Brawl is really popular in Australia. It is. I'm sure, really?

Yeah. That's so fun, so you could do appearances and stuff. Yeah, so I want to do a little bit of a press tour and then just stay for a week after that. Oh my god, are you going with friends? As of now, I'm going by myself. So traveling alone? Yeah.

That for me was some of the best thing I ever did is travel alone. I went for a year, though, when I was 26, this at this Asia, but even throughout that, ever since I think I always still love to have weeks alone. Yeah. You'll pack your toy and it'll be really fun. We were talking about that I was saying, I was like,

okay, what if like, you know, I do end up just going out and showing up by myself. I said, I have this like Bluetooth speaker that always gets flagged in my carry on because just the shape of it, I'm like, watch there, like, point out my speaker, and then they pull out a dildo, and then they pull out another like, that happens. This girl's going on a fun trip.

That is a fun trip. And it's not illegal. Yeah. To travel. It's actually tells. And it's not illegal to travel. It's actually tells you how to travel. We've got a lot of listeners in Australia too. I have a partner. Exactly. That's happened to me.

I've brought so many toys through. And I was like, yeah, that's my job. I'm a six doctor. What do you think about that? So I have to ask you, we have five questions that we ask every guest. So I'm going to ask you these. I'm like in my notes. OK, I just don't overstate that. I, so I'm gonna ask you these. All right.

Like in my notes. Okay, don't over say that. I can't even see that far. Okay, biggest turn on. Like, physical personality or just like in general? And you never came to, what was the first thing that popped in your head? Um, I mean, someone who's just like interested in me, like not someone who I'm chasing,

like I want someone to like chase me a little bit. I'm not used to that. Okay. Got it. So someone showing interest. That's like, Oh, okay. It's turn off. Okay. Biggest turn off. Oh, bad teeth and nails. Okay. Your nails are amazing by the way. Thank you. Like love the nails. Okay. So, I'm big as you know. Hygiene's important. Sexiest body part to you. On a guy. Yeah. Sure. Yes. So you have never really been an abs person, but in my single year that I've had, I've had a lot of good abs. But I mean, honestly, a good thick dick. Yeah, a good dick dick. Guilty dick, that's all we want for Christmas. Yeah. Okay, something that you wear that makes you feel sexy. Anything short and fitted.

I love also like crop tops, like if it's like a little like two piece set. Yeah. But something that shows some skin, I always feel sexy as long as I have a spray tan or it's summer. Spray tan. Yeah, it's the best thing ever. Okay, and let's see, funny sex moment. Ooh, there's been a few.

I mean, it could be when we were trying to film it and we're like holding the phone and then the phone through against a wall and then I don't know, it could be when the cat's trying to join in. Filming to you film sex and watch it, right? Well, we've tried it. It's kind of hot.

I think I'm like, how about we just like get, you know, like a stand. Yes, get the stand right. Right, right. Like that stand here, we've got those stand. Yeah, use that stand. Yeah. Here's the thing, I don't think you should do it with a rando

because you don't want to really sex, but someone's fun. Like it's hot to film it because then you're in the moment, you're filming it and then you're like watching it. Yeah rando because you don't wanna really sext it. But someone's fun, it's hot. To film it, because then you're in the moment, you're filming it, and then you're watching it. We're really freaking hot. Yeah, but whenever the cats are staring at me or trying to jump on the bed, I'm just like, oh my god, and then it's like if I lock them out of the room

then they're just mowing and not kills the mood. It's just like, can I have a few minutes to myself? Cats are like that, I love cats, but because of the sex, they don't ever leave you alone. Yeah, no, literally, last week, I like, we finished, and then I'd cats, but because of the sex, they don't ever leave you alone. Yeah, no literally like last week. I like, we finished. And then I'd say, my block cat is just sitting on like the TV stand staring. He's gonna kill us.

I'm like, this is so weird. You're Jack Katak. I know. People that even love the picture. Judging. Judging if the cats could talk. I know. It's crazy.

Okay, thank you. She and Shea for being here. This is a blast. Everyone check her out. It's tell me your your places to go So it's just at she nets SCH E a and a on Instagram snapchat Twitter New episodes of Vanderpump rules every Monday Usually at nine but some cable providers are different my podcasts is out every Tuesday cable providers are different. My podcast is out every Tuesday, shenanigans on podcast one and new music coming soon. I'm February and March. Great. Thank you so much for being here. Congratulations on everything the eggs, the show, the

live, the single dumb, making it great for you. Thanks, Shina Shea for being here. All right, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we're getting into your emails. Okay guys, I love answering your questions and if you want to question answered on the show, go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click the Ask Emily page and as always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. James here, she's going to read the emails with me. Hey James. Hey, James. Hello, okay. So this first one comes from Ali, who's 27 in Oregon.

She writes, hi, Emily. I love your show and you've opened my eyes to how sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. My question is about Kink. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year it's my longest relationship and I love him a lot. While I'm very pleased with our sex life, he says he's more kinky than me.

On occasion, he'll slap my ass or pull my hair, but that never bothers me, unless it's too hard and hurts. I told him I might be into kink, but just don't really know what that means, and he had a hard time explaining what else he wants. Can you please help me understand kink and some tips to spice up my sex life? All right, yes, I will. Allie, let's talk about kink. Okay, so here's the definition of kink. Essentially kink is anything that falls outside the realm of what's considered conventional sex. So kissing, penetration, masturbation, oral sex. So just think of something that's kinky.

Kink is anything that bends, right? Bends away from the straight and narrow. So things like fantasy, role playing, fetishes, group sex, and just remember this, that what is kinky to one person might not be kinky for somebody else. So the deal here is with your boyfriend. I mean, I love that he told you that he's into kinky stuff, but you guys need to have a conversation about it because it's totally cool that you don't know what he means.

I don't know what he means. It sounds like he doesn't know what he means because he's also having a hard time explaining what he wants. And this is a completely typical situation that happens a lot. He knows there's something he wants that maybe is outside of the norm and he can't explain it, which is great because now you guys can sit down together and you can ask them and say, you know, what does Kinky mean to you? And you can also see how you feel about what he says and then do some research on your

own. You know, Kinky is really just, you know, what maybe what you fantasize about if you have fantasies. You know, when you're masturbating, you might want to read some really cool erotica or watch some of your favorite sex scenes. Check out some porn that makes you feel good and then you can bring some of your stuff to the table. And so it's really about having a conversation and figuring out what turns you both on,

what you both agree on, and then you can go from there. So it's not just all up to you, again, to figure it out. And you know, we talk a lot about like, what if you don't know what you like? And again, that's just something that, you know, you got to do research on your own, but remember, this is going to be a really good time for you guys to really get into it. So if he says to you, I want something, you know, maybe he, I don't even know, I'm trying to think of, he wants to tie you up, but that doesn't sound great to you. A great practice is to be like, no, that sounds weird.

I don't know what it is, even if you don't know about it, but to just ask more clarifying questions. Because the cool thing about this is couples can often compromise. Like maybe you don't want to be tied up, but maybe you want a blindfold, or maybe you only want your arms tied up and not your hand. You know, your hands tied up, not your feet,

whatever he's into, whatever you're into, there's ways to find a common ground so you guys can both be satisfied. Okay, so this next email comes to us from Evan, who's 22 in Minnesota, and he writes, Hey Emily, I listen to your podcast all the time during my seven hour car rides, I love what you do. And some of your talks, you say that there is not a certain amount of times a couple should be having sex a week, and that we should come up to a compromise about how many times together. I've been in this relationship for six years. I'm a very sexual

person and she is not. We had a talk about how often we both prefer to have sex a week. I prefer pretty much every day, but obviously she won't agree. So I said once a week at the very least, I'd be okay with and we agreed on once a week. Sometimes there are a few weeks in a row where she doesn't feel up for sex or anything at all. She says she feels pressured to have sex once a week and I love her so much and I don't want her to feel that way at all. I want to marry this girl but I don't want to commit if I go months without sex. It sounds selfish but it's just high on my list of the five love languages.

I'd love to hear any advice that you have she's the girl of my dreams. Wow. Okay, Evan, thanks for this question. So this is what it makes me think in reading it. The reason why she might be feeling pressured is a lot of us when we have a deadline on us or someone's like, you must do this. It automatically takes the fun out of it and it becomes like another chore. It becomes like another task, another item on our to-do list. So of course, you don't want to feel that way. This is not your fault. So I think that it sounds like we have to figure out together with our what is she into? Like what? She might you, you're young, you're 22. She might also be around your age. And remember that she might not have

found that thing about sex that excites her yet. And so there it sounds like there has to be some exploring to do like is she having orgasms does she masturbate does it seem like once you start having sex she's really enjoying it. So these are the questions you guys need to have because she really does have to meet you halfway on this. You know, couples know I'm'm not gonna give everyone a prescription for how many times a week they should have sex,

but I can tell you that once a month isn't enough. I'm just gonna say it. So I feel like once you kinda go at it from babe, I love you, wanna spend my life with you. Let's figure this out together and you start asking like, what does turn you on about sex? What, you know, what pleases you? Do you masturbate in a very loving, open way?

You're gonna find out maybe what's beneath it and why she doesn't actually wanna have sex or why weeks go by. Of course, sex is on top of your list, it makes sense. So, you know, we wanna get it to top of her list. So that only comes by a conversation where you're, you know, it's not pressuring, it's just more of a, let's talk about sex. Baby, let's figure out what we're both into. So I think slow things down, you know, and just have a really healthy conversation.

And remember, it's not a one time conversation. This is not going to be a one and done. This is going to be ongoing. She might need to be do some research and figure out what she's into, but I think you guys can get there with healthy talk for sure Okay, this next one is from Asia. She was 35 in Texas. She writes high-amily. I love the show listen all the time You're my friend with the best sex advice in my mind So I went through a painful divorce almost two years ago, and I just started dating again I met this guy who after one week Text every day and makes attempts to hang out and it just feels overwhelming. Since I started

dating, I noticed there are a ton of guys who are avoidant attachment style and I definitely don't want that either, but it seems like I am more attracted and drawn to those guys and I'm not sure why I'm so torn. This guy is really making an effort, but a part of me just does not seem as interested, but I do want to give them a chance. I'm just scared. Can you help? Hey, Asia, I can definitely help you with this. So this is a common thing you often hear like, why do I want, you know, every guy that wants

me, I don't want, but then the ones who are unavailable, you know, those are the ones like give them to me now. So that happens that we get attracted, people pull back. But I, here's what's going out. When you're talking about attachment styles, there might be something going on with you with intimacy. Like maybe there's the reason why you might be attracted to the unavailable guises because you're actually not ready yet to really be intimate and open up to somebody else. You went through a really painful divorce. I'm glad you took two years off,

and they're still probably a fear there about being hurt and opening up again and being really vulnerable and just being yourself and you are scared here. So if there's a guy you wanna give a chance to, right? I think it's great to just kind of try it out. There's something that other people have called duty dating. I don't love that word because it makes it sound like,

yeah, I just have to do my laundry and, you know, get my car washed and it just makes it not sound fun. But there's certain ways that there's the people that were attracted to, like, that we keep going towards. And eventually when we see that there's a pattern there, we kind of say, you know what? If I'm getting butterflies and I'm walking towards this guy in the bar, I should turn around and go the other way

and kind of pick someone else. So I think, give this guy a chance, but remember, he just might be someone who's really interested. He's never thought like to play games or to be, you know, pull back, which I actually like, but you can talk to him. People appreciate feedback and you can say to him, you can go out with him and say, you know, I just want you know, this has been a great day. I'm not during the week. I'm super busy.

Text doesn't really work for me. Or if I don't get back to you right away, be patient. We all have different communication styles. There are some people who actually feel safer when someone texts them every day. So we're all different in this area. So that's definitely something you can work on. And if you do like this guy, you can figure out a communication style that works. But I would not discard that guy just because he's eager and seems into you.

So think about those things and how they resonate with you and let me know how it goes. Okay. Caitlin 21 in Texas. She writes, hi Emily. My boyfriend and I were both virgins when we met. We used to have an amazing sex life, but little by little, certain sex positions started hurting, and now no matter how long sex lasts ends up hurting and I can't finish. I also usually end up having a panic attack and crying at the end of sex. My boyfriend is super supportive, but now it feels like he doesn't want to have sex with

me because he doesn't want to hurt me. Help! Oh, Kaelin, let me help you here. This makes sense. You guys have gotten yourself into kind of a loop here. He doesn't want to hurt you and then you're having pain. And so it sounds to me like, if you're having pain, you have to go see a specialist. I'm not sure if you talked to your doctor, you're a gynecologist a lot of times.

They don't really know where to direct women for pelvic pain. And so I think you should go to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. You can find them. They're probably under your health plan or just do some research online. You should definitely check out a podcast we did with the woman named Heather Jeff Coat and that came out a few months ago. So yeah, I mean, if you're having regular pain, there could just be an issue, you know,

with something that's going on with your muscles down there, maybe it's been going on since you're a virgin, maybe you don't really know, but a lot of women have pain that can really be solved by seeing someone who specializes in this. So she would give you exercises to do at home, or you could work with her, or him, whoever it's probably a woman.

I would say there's probably not a lot of male pelvic floor physical therapists. So I think that's one thing, get that settled because now you guys are getting in a loop of like, you know, since we get anxious when something happens during sex, one time it can happen and then we're like, oh no, I'm gonna have pain and we might even be like worrying ourselves into pain

and then he's worrying you're having pain. So I think that, you know, make sure that you guys like slow things down, make sure that you're already really turned on because foreplay could definitely help. And if you guys are both virgins and, you know, you're 21 years old, there's some great learning to do here. And I would highly suggest that you take time to figure it out on your own, some masturbation, some touching your body. Maybe you guys could do it together, mutual masturbation, but just make sure that you're warmed up.

You might also be having pain because you're not turned on, you're not warmed up, your body's not ready to receive him yet, which happens a lot because men and women just get warmed up and turned on differently. He's all ready to go and you're not turned on. It could hurt. So, I'm not really sure which one of those things are, but I can tell you a good prescriptive of foreplay and always using lots of lube. You know, I love lube.

And I'm getting checked out by your doctor. And I think you guys can solve this together and remember to just be really honest with them and let him know where you're at in this journey of seeing a doctor and what the pain so you guys can continue to have healthy sex. And currently, you don't have to stop being intimate just because you can't have intercourse right now. In fact, I would say that maybe this pain is a message for now or a great time for you guys

to say we're not gonna have intercourse, but let's practice on oral sex, foreplay, central massage, things like that. So you can truly connect on an intimate level and understand what really gets you both turned on. So this is from Chris, female Chris. She's 31 in Georgia and she writes, Hi Emily, I recently began listening to your show and I enjoy all the things you discuss.

I've been with my boyfriend for seven years, we have a five year old together, but for the past four years there's been another man in my life. My relationship with my boyfriend is very lackluster and I felt for a while that he has no desire to move forward. He's still married. I did leave him, but he said he had changed, so I came back. He hasn't changed. What do you suggest to help me take that leap and move on with my life?

The other man has been a very good friend, first and foremost, but I feel like there's something else there. I've told him how I feel about him and don't get any genuine feelings in return We've been intimate, but that's very few and far between. I understand that he may not want to divulge because what can really happen between us He often tells me I assume too much but never gives clarity When I'm single I intend on prioritizing myself, but would like to see where this could go Am I getting my hopes up? How do I not jump from one relationship to another when I've been into this guy for so long? prioritizing myself, but would like to see where this could go. Am I getting my hopes up?

How do I not jump from one relationship to another when I've been into this guy for so long? Thanks you for your time and your platform, your advice is immensely appreciated. Oh, okay, Chris, let's unpack this. There is a lot going on here. Okay, let me just work through this with you. For one, your boyfriend, the fact that you're a boyfriend

that you've a kid with is still married, and he was married, I'm assuming he's been married while you had the kid. And then maybe now he's separated, but it's still been seven years, no divorce in sight, and he hasn't changed. You've given him a lot of time to change. You guys have been together for a while,

and so this is something to learn. You know, when people show you who they are, believe him, he's already, you know, you know who this guy is, and it seems like I understand that you share a kid together, but this sounds so messy, and I want you to be able to get into a healthier, a much healthier space. And, you know, with the typical guy married, going to leave, not going to leave, and you've already been in this, and it's time to close that chapter. Yeah, and the other guy too, he's showing you who he is, why isn't he being as much on board,

you know, he's playing games and not telling you what you need right now. Or all I'm getting from this, the bottom line is I believe that you truly need to take a break right now. You need to figure out like, who is Chris without a man in your life? And you even said that when you're single, you do intend on prioritizing yourself after you see where this other thing could go. You're already getting a sense of other guy,

may or may not be into it and you've got a young kid. So I would say this is the time. Why don't you, you know, this is the practice though. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy because you've always had men in your life. And it sounds like it's been dramatic too. And sometimes we have relationships that have drama in our life because it's kind of,

I don't know, it seems exciting or it keeps us interested. And it also though, I'm talking from experience, keeps us from really being able to see clearly What we want because we're so caught up in drama and trying to get someone to like us and come back and then they leave and they come back And so I'm just feeling like Chris you need that the series you time who are you without a man? Who are you like aside from these relationships you have you, you've been in a relationship with him since you were 24. You've been with this guy or 23 or 24, you're 31. So for seven years, you've been in a very complicated relationship with a guy who's married

and then you have a kid on your own, you're a single mom. So I think it's time for you to build your community that doesn't involve guys that you are sleeping with. So it could be guys friends, women friends, other moms, other parents. And this is something that I don't think we talk about it enough in our society, like how important community is and having a sense of self and a sense of people around you that you know have your back.

And that's often how we grow when we actually meet people that are really healthy. When we kind of filter out people that aren't serving us. And we draw towards us people that we really care about and that are going to be our friends. And the way we live now, we live away from our families and our friends actually become our surrogate families. So I feel like that is what is the most important thing for you right now.

And I think kind of let go of both of these guys. If the other guy comes back around in a year or six months, great. But now, Chris, I'm concerned about you and taking the time. Take the leap to have it be the year of Chris and figuring out all the things that work for you and getting rid of the things that don't. That's what we got time for today, huh? All right, thank you, Jamie. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Samantha,

intern Michelle, Jamie of course, and Michael. Hey, let me know. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you