Sex With Emily - So You Think You Can Orgasm?

Episode Date: March 20, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is bringing you a mashup all about orgasms – from how to have them alone to having them with a partner to everything in between. She talks about how to go deeper with your orgasms when you’ve mastered the clitoral orgasm, what to do when you have no problem finishing on your own, but with a partner is a different story, and if you want to master multiples – it’s time to grab out your notepad and listen up. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Just Fab, Apex, SiriusXM, Promescent, Woo More Play Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex of Emily on Today's show and bringing you a mashup all about orgasms, from the how to have them alone to having them with a partner to everything in between. Topics and Clube. So, you've mastered the literal orgasm and now you're ready to go deeper. Finishing on your own? No problem with a partner? Well, maybe you're not so lucky. How to perfect your partner pleasure. Well, if you haven't heard of this in orgasm gap, but there's ways to close it. And if you thought you couldn't achieve multiples, well, sit down and take notes because I'm gonna help you get there. All this and more, thanks for listening! Man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a bygone way.

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Which is awesome. Alright guys, enjoy the orgasmic show. Okay, she's 26 from New Jersey and she's feeling frustrated with her sex life. It is looking for tips to help her orgasm more often. Hey Kay, thanks for calling. Hi, I'm William, so excited to talk to you. I'm excited to talk to you too. I want to help you with this orgasm-less sex life.

I want to help you. Yeah, please. Get it on track. So, tell me a little bit more about what's going on. So, okay, I don't have any problems orgasming myself. Okay. Me and my boyfriend have been together for seven years. And I've had many partners before

him and I've just never been able to orgasm during sex ever. And it only happened with him one time and that was when we probably did about 40 minutes of four plays. It was very extensive. So that sounds about right. We'll see that every time. Yeah. But obviously we're not able to do that every time. So it's kind of, I guess it's more about me getting out of my head and I just don't know

how to do it and I've been trying so hard. Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like it's seven years and yeah, no, this is good. So you can definitely orgasm alone when you're masturbating. No problem. Yeah, no problem at all. And how do you do that? Do you... Actually, for the most part, I'll either use toys, which I actually have the Wevibe. No, I'll just use that solo. Which one? The touch?

I think it's the Wevibe 4. Oh, okay, the 4 plus or the... Yeah, okay. Yeah, something like that. Or I'll just do it in the shower with like the shower head. Right, okay. Yeah. That's cool, okay? So you can do it. So usually it's with a toy though, not your hands.

Yeah, okay, which is totally, right. So you do realize K that you're like most women on the planet. 70% that can't have orgasms with their partner without, you know, on the route, like the first second time or after seven years, they need to kind of work on this. So nothing's wrong with you. So I think, and your partner's probably, yeah, nothing at all.

Like I hope you know that. Like this is just like one of the most common, common challenges women have because we're told, like I was actually just talking about the 50 shades of gray. I'm like, the first time she has sex, she has to orgasm, like multiple orgasms every time, right? Did you read it?

I'm like, yeah, this is like 20 seconds. Yeah, in 20 seconds. She explodes around him in a puddle of orgasm. I'm like, a lucky you bitch. So you're less like a lot of women, including myself. I was not able to orgasm until I worked on it with a partner. So I think that with your guy, so he's cool with it, right? He obviously knows that you haven't been able to orgasm

during sex, during intercourse. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. And what have you tried using toys with him? I have. And actually, we tried to use the Levi together, but I feel like that toy just doesn't,

I don't know, it doesn't fit properly with the both of us. Like, it doesn't work as like a couple toy for me. So I feel like it doesn't fit properly with the both of us. It doesn't work as a couple toy for me. So it just feels like it doesn't fit correctly for us. I got it, and that's why they just came out with the sink. But I'm not saying to go buy the new toy right now for this, but the Wevibe sink is actually just like the four, but it's a toy that fits now everybody. You can twist it and turn it and make it fit.

I know the four didn't as well. But have you ever tried just like a literal vibe? Like I was thinking about the We Vibe touch is a great one. That's when you said you had a toy or what's the great handheld vibe that we've got right now? The We Vibe rabbit lion. Yeah, the rabbit lion is a great one. Oh, the vibertex wand, the little wand is great.

So anyway, I think that it just means that you need more clitorial stimulation during sex. And I understand why the four, the four doesn't have enough power, I think, for you to hold on your clitorial strength during sex, that's just what you need. It sounds to me that you just, you know, no matter what, you know,

he could probably warm you up with oral, that time that you had sex for four, or four point of 40 minutes would that include that foreplay. The one time that it happened you mean? Yeah. So we actually did couples misogies and he was doing like a lot of teasing so I had like a blindfold on so that I wasn't able to see whatever he was about to do. And he actually made his own restraints for his bed. So I thought that was amazing.

And God. Yeah. He was using me for the book. I just had no other thing. I just had no other thing. Right. No, some teasing. Okay, so you need that.

Okay, this is so good. I'm so glad I asked this question. God. Because it sounds like you need that book. Like many people, you need that build up and that tension and that was really hot for you where he like touched you and then he kind of pulled back, right? And then he came towards you and then you didn't know what was happening and he was in control. And so how can we kind of like, I think that, you know, incorporate that into, you know,

your sex life or maybe he just, like it doesn't have to be a whole elaborate, maybe you didn't need the massage before for 10 minutes. But there's some kind of restraint play. I'm not saying every single time, but he could just use also sports sheets makes these great Velcro cuffs. I have on my website that you could just literally they're ready to go or the underbed restraints, they live under your bed and they're always there,

like ready to use. So that would be one thing. So it sounds like you know what turned you on so many women because the teasing and the build up is a huge part of a rousal. So it sounds like you need some of that, that makes sense. And then having sex with them again, I would try using just like a little, you can use a bullet vibe, like something like you just might need that extra stimulation on your

clitoris just so you know that it can happen. But I think that what he was doing there with the With the teasing is going to help you and then the other thing is you can also orgasm in the shower Have you ever thought of taking a shower with him and using the shower head? Yeah, so we had a couple times and I don't know if it's just me being self-conscious But I just cannot like pull the shower head down and just like do it myself I think it's because maybe I've only orgasmed in front of him one time that I'm just so nervous about getting to that point with him

and it makes him feel like he's not doing a good job and then I feel horrible. So I keep telling him it's not 100% like his responsibility that it's like a... It's not it is it is but so he even felt did he feel bad in the shower because you didn't orgasm or he just didn't even want to see that like it's sometimes

uncomfortable for guys to see when we're using like a toy or using the shower head because he's like what am I doing is that what you're saying you know he's actually really comfortable with using toys he actually bought me my first one okay um yeah so he's totally open to that. But he won't say anything. Like if I don't try to do things myself, but then I feel bad that I didn't speak up,

because I feel like once we're actually getting intimate and very quiet and I don't speak up, then. Right, it's hard to do like afterwards. Right. OK. I think you just got to have that toy by your bed. Have some glue. I mean, definitely tell them how hot you thought the restraints were.

And maybe get some ease. Like you said, he did some DIY restraints. I would just like, so you see, go to our website. We have a store or a sex family and you just look up sports sheets. Or there's a banner on our site. You can click through to their site and see everything. And they're like reasonably priced. They're like bell crout, like literally it's so easy. So maybe a little more of that.

But then also, I would all say mutual masturbation. Have you guys, because you said you're uncomfortable like masturbating in front of him, but what if he's masturbating and you're masturbating and you're checking out what he's doing, he's checking you out or maybe you're just getting into your own body and then you're, then you get more comfortable masturbating around him. That could be a good entree into that. So these are a few things you could be with. Okay, yeah, I thought about that too, but I think it's just that self-conscious feeling that like I just can't jump ahead and deal with it. I just can't get out of my own head to stop

being so self-conscious. Right. Okay. So getting out of your head is really just, honestly, it's focusing on your breath. So the second you start having those thoughts like, oh my God, I'm not going to come. I'm not going to come because that is can kind of be our cock-bucking ourselves, orgasm, blocking ourselves, is that you go back to your breath. Go back to your breath and go back to breathing your breath, like really far down to your pelvic floor, like really like, like deep breaths and just feeling it, because that's where like a lot of our energy is stored and like pumping like your keg

muscles if that makes you feel good and just like getting the second you have that thought it's like training the mind to go back to whatever you're feeling in your body you're like okay, I'm having that thought it might not orgasm and then you go back to your breath and go back to like the sensations in your body like if you can keep going back to that or if there's like a fantasy that you think about when you're masturbating That could be a really good one too. Do you have a go-to fantasy? There's nothing wrong with that. I have a go-to, but I can actually just kind of make up scenarios in my head, but I really want to go to. Okay, so if you're able to think of fantasy is a huge part of a rousal for women as well, that I think that, and even if it's not about your partner, like you don't need to give them play by play,

it's not cheating. Whatever comes to mind, if you could just say, if you're having one of those thoughts, it's not gonna happen, or self-defeating, go think about a fantasy. Think about your breath. Like, anything, the second that comes in your mind, transfer it back to your body,

or transfer it to a fantasy, and then your mind will be on board with the sex more. It's just a training. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's a really good idea. Yeah, try that. Okay, let me know how it goes.

I know I'm saying that I really want people to let me know. I want you to go orgasm, but you will. I think it's like you're at the point seven years. This will happen for you, okay? Like, you've talked about it. You've got all the tools. You did it once. Like, it's, you're so not far from there.

So, okay. Okay. Yeah, we've got this. Thanks for calling. Thank you so much for all your advice. Oh, you're welcome, Kay. Dear Emily, I'm currently in a long distance relationship for a little over a year. We see each other every two to three months.

And in my opinion, our sex life is amazing. We're extremely sexually compatible and love to incorporate new toys and positions to keep things spicy. The only real issue that arises after sex, he often asks me, did you come? I cringed at that question. I suddenly feel self-conscious and don't know how to answer because honestly I don't know if I came.

This might sound silly, but is there a difference between having an orgasm and coming? I think he expects to see something more visual, exporting or a big explosion of come, because we don't see each other that often, it puts even more pressure on sex, because we both want to pleasure the other one to the best of our abilities. I would love to squirt for him or visibly come for him so that he knows how much I enjoy this sex.

But apparently, that's not how my body operates. So my questions are this. Do I have a drive in China? Do I need to push my orgasms farther? Is having an orgasm and producing comics exclusively correlated? Or is it normal to have an orgasm and not produce anything externally? I'm a big fan of the show and I value your expert opinion. Savannah, age 25.

Hi, Savannah. Okay, I like that you emailed me here because I so want to clear this up for you. When a woman has an orgasm, there are not visible, there's not fireworks, okay? Maybe in your head there are fireworks, but there's not like some explosion that's going to happen for a lot of women. So I think that you're meaning that you can visibly see. This is more of an issue with semantics than anything else because I read this twice and I'm like, wait, am I missing something here?

Here's the thing, I am with you. I don't like it when a guy says, first of all, I don't even like a guy says, when did you come? Did you come? I appreciate that you want me to come, but I get that like, first of all, it's a lot of pressure because you know that only 30% of women actually orgasm are come during intercourse. So it's really not that common.

And it gives, you know, we have a lot of pressure to actually come, I think, in that moment, it makes me not want to. And it's like, you want to say no, you don't want to disappoint them, this leads to women faking it and all that stuff. But here's the thing, the reason, no, okay, sending love to all you guys who've asked that.

And I'm not saying that some women don't want you to ask that, I'm sending love to you. Because I understand that you guys are doing it because you care, like you want to know Did she orgasm? Am I a man like did this happen? You know a lot of guys just have no idea They're I want to say they're clueless, but but it's also really hard to tell like with a guy if he came We know we can see like we see come shoot out of his penis like you know If you're wearing a condom you take it off and it's filled with a jacket. We know like what's happening, right?

So you just might need to tell them in the moment, like, babe, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come. Cause maybe you're quiet. Like, a lot of women I think might be kind of quite a very bad, and from what I've heard from a lot of guys, they kind of like it when you speak up. They want to know when you have an orgasm

or they want to know that you're enjoying it, so like, moaning and just feeling it. I think a lot of women and men, we kind of get shut down to having sex. Like, we quiet our voices. We think that like, moaning sounds weird or porn story or they're gonna judge us. But if you kind of just don't give a shit,

what do you think? And you're just gonna let your body react to what you're experiencing in the moment by like moaning loudly or just, I don't know. I think if you stop muffling the sounds, I'm having a feeling that you're a quiet sex grom. I'm just gonna take a gander here. That if you start to play with it, not only if you stop muffling the sounds, I'm having a feeling that you're quiet sex grom. I'm just going to take a gander here. That if you start to play with it, not only will you be enjoying sex more often because

it's true that they say women who make, you know, this is science again, women who make more noises during sex actually have more orgasms and intend to even enjoy it more. So there might be a part of you that's stifling stifling it. That was the worst thing of you're like stifling these noises. But also it'll turn him on. It'll turn yourself on. And then he'll know that you're having an orgasm. This idea that he needs some sort of visual display is something that I think you've

like, cooked up in your head here, and I don't think it's what he needs, I don't think he's waiting for you to squirt, that's a whole nother issue. But if you're worried, I just think you gotta ask him, say, hey babe, when you asked if I came, are you asking if I had an orgasm? Because I definitely did, and I'm gonna work on letting you know when it's happening. So, and yes, coming an orgasm is the same thing. I believe that that's what he's saying,

like, did you come, did you orgasm? Like, typically guys go, did you orgasm? They mean, did you come? That's what he's saying, and just so you know, you're completely normal, you don't have a dry vagina. There are a lot of women don't have these signs of orgasm through ejaculation unless they're squirting. And like I said with men, you know, they're pretty much can tell if they came or not. So for women, the signs are your breath is quickening, you

get flush, your clitoris becomes more engorge. I mean, that's really the only way that guys can really tell that you orgasm, if he's going to get down there with like a, you know, a magnifying, like, stethoscope. A magnifying glass would be like, is your clitoris engorge? I mean, that's why women can'm magnifying glass, but like, is your clitoris and gorge? I mean, that's why women can fake orgasms so easily. But you're having like lots of orgasms, which is so great, Savannah. So I think you just gotta be, babe, I'm coming and it's awesome.

So I mean, squirting, yes, you could learn to squirt. I, I, we will talk about that another time, but I don't think that's the issue here at all with them. I know you guys, a lot of you are like, don't just say you'll talk about it and you've talked about other shows, but you guys I have been a lot of shows in squirting. I'll do another one soon.

You can check it out on my website or go to a blog post and we can talk more about that another day, but Savannah you're good, just let them know. Communication people, it's all about communicating. Is that it? It helps so much. Hey Anderson, first call is from Paris. Howdy.

Howdy. Howdy. So, hello. Hello, how are you? I got to Emily and Anderson. Hello Baguette. I get. Hello, I get. I get.

It rhymes with Baguette, right? Well, Baguette. Well, thank you. You're 25 years old. And let me know how I can help you. So, first of all, I'm very happy to be on your shows. And so, I've been dating a guy for, I would say, six months. And it's been very great.

But, my problem is that I can't orgasm when he goes down on me or he uses the sex toys or some like this, but whereas when I'm alone I'm an edge to orgasm, so I don't know why and I don't know what I can do to her. Because it's so frustrating for both of us. Okay, well I think first of all it's great that you can orgasm on your own because this is a very common question we get asked and because it's just not you know orgasm with a partner is very difficult for most women. The majority of women have this challenge, so you're totally fine. I hate using the word normal, but it's normal.

And if you know how to do it on your own, it's the kind of thing you gotta incorporate it when you're with your partner, just show them. And say, this is what I do. You can do some mutual masturbation. You can show them exactly how you want to be touched because he wants to please you. I'm certain.

Yes. Yes. Yes. But when I was with my ex and when he went down on me, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I your wife on that. Listen, do you remember? So here's a thing, he probably did. He's actually the last guy did it. Don't do that. But I think that do you remember what your ex did and what this guy's done? Because you can give him no, you don't remember. The problem because I come to my ex and say, that'd be awesome if you could interview. Be like, listen, I have nothing to say to you but I have a question.

Just bring a minute, put them on the bench. Have them like coach for the bench. So here's the thing, I think that you could probably know like when your ex is going, when you're sorry, when your boyfriend's going down on you, does it start to feel good and then something happens and it's like doesn't feel good or does it never feel good? No, it feels good but it's like I'm reaching some kind of level and I can't go further and I can't go together. I don't know.

I think that, yeah, you know what, here's the thing. I think you guys, how long have you been with the women for the last six months? So I think that you have to, in the moment, be present with them and show them, like, guys, a lot of guys don't know like because every woman is different maybe his last girlfriend like him going down in her in a certain way and he's doing the same thing with you so you just need to be the director here. You need to say like in the moment like I need can you try this can you go softer can you go slower can you you know a lot of guys go too fast, too hard. Maybe you need a little more foreplay. And then also you could bring a toy in.

Now, it can- He said she uses toys. Okay, so I think that this could also be in your mind that you're thinking it hasn't happened, it hasn't happened. And so you're like, it's just not going to. And we do that. A lot of this stuff is just in our head and it's going to stop you from orgasming. So that's why I suggest start with some mutual masturbation when he's in the room and you

guys are both getting off. And then you've done it he's in the room and you guys are both getting off. And then you've done it with him in the room, he sees what you're doing, you see what he's doing, you know what turns him on, you're learning, it's hot, and then go from there. But maybe I could too much pressure on me, I don't know. You are, no, I'm going to tell you right now that there's nothing wrong with you and you probably likely are putting a lot of pressure on yourself because your thinking is it going to happen? And that's what we do. We block our orgasms.

We're like cock blocking, but orgasm blocking. And we get so scared it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. And that is what happens. So I try to just know that it will happen, believe that it will happen, and try mutual masturbation with them. Okay? Okay. Good. We know where it goes. Okay. I think it will happen and try mutual masturbation with them. Okay? Okay. Good.

We know what goes. Okay. I think it will. I know it will work. There's nothing wrong with you at all. Because you can have your presence. And you like your boyfriend. Yeah.

Get over this hump. Okay. Get out of your head. Okay. Into your body. Hump. Okay. Thank you so much.

Try some wine too and loosen up a little. Okay. Thank you for calling. Thank you, my lady. Bye. We've got Catherine. She's 37 from Toronto and she's gets the G spot feeling like she has to pee and it's annoying and can't quite fall through with the G spot.

Wargasm, is that what's happening Catherine? That is it. I'm assuming that's the, you know, in the, heading in the right direction, but I just can't seem to get past that feeling that I need to pee. So it's either I feel nothing or I just have that ongoing, like, I need to pee. Right. Well, that's, that is the feeling that you have right before, for many women, they feel like they have to pee and then they have the thorgas.

And now I think a lot of women stop it at that point too, because're so concerned about peeing right so they never actually get to follow through right Have you ever had a g-spot orgasm on your own? I know I have not okay, so I would write what you you're in a relationship right now Yes, I am is he a hockey player He has played hockey yes, but just from Toronto College or university kind of stuff. Nice. Yeah, I would say, thank you. Hockey players, not big.

Now we can picture. I've talked about this as well in the show that I feel like I didn't have a G-Spot orgasm with a partner until I explored on my own. And because then it was like, I didn't have the pressure of, you know, someone else, like, I was, there it is, it's happening or not. And I love the Wevibe Rave. It's a great G-Spot vibrator.

Like, I can't even tell you, I don't know, everyone here in the office loves it, as well, and it's a great way to find, and you can try your fingers as well, that works. But I feel like maybe you wouldn't care if you have to pee, and then you'd start to know how that feels, like, you some lube. It helps to have a clitorial orgasm first,

because then the area becomes more engorged, and you're you don't have the word in gorge Anderson sorry and then it could kind of help you and also like lifting your legs up Like there's different ways to position yourself putting a pillow under your body You're saying is once you find out where it is. You know how to guide Yeah, yeah, but how does it sound to you or Catherine? Is there anything else like texture to that or like? Like once I started listening to your show I actually have purchased one of the Wii Vibes.

Okay. So with the remotes and everything so we played around with that a little bit. I've tried that on my own. Um you know obviously haven't got the right spot yet but you know I have been doing some exploration. Okay. Good. Um and I definitely like when when we're engaged in insects and I'm starting to feel that

I like I don't stop because I or I try not to like reposition too much because again learning from your your podcast I'm like oh this is a good sign but yeah again I just like to hear the linger in that world. I need to pee and eventually, yeah, it starts to just feel like uncomfortable rather than. Yeah, I get it. Are you in your head or not? Are you in your body? Like, are you thinking like, is this it?

Is this it? Because that can kind of stop us a lot as well from. Probably, probably. I do tend to have a bit more of an analytical personality. I mean, this is the first relationship I've really had that I've had such an active sexual side to it. So of course, I felt the need to research everything. Why?

Finding your podcast. Have you left the wine? Like a... Yeah, I know I'm glad you found the podcast. And the cheese pot is like this elusive. I can tell you it's not that for some women It's like literally like our anatomy is different. There's some women who like have sex for the first time and they have like blended Organisms and that didn't happen to me either. You know, I had a lot of sex before I actually found it So you could also use his fingers like you could lay back and just be like let's try to find your two spot together

And you could lay back on a pillow. We have done that. Right. See, I tried that too with a boyfriend for years. That's why I had to do it on my own. I really did. I was like, effort. I might, you know what? Oh, you know what else really helped me doing my kegel exercises.

I'm telling you, when I started doing them by really, and using the intensity, I don't know if I've talked about the intensity for a while by poor and wild, which is like, I know, and you can do k-gels on your own, obviously. But this was the one product that got your app. Okay, so it reminds you, and I'm telling you, and for me, I feel like using like kegoballs or the intensity, which uses electrosimulation, you lie back, you've heard this, probably we talk about this,

you lie in your bed, and for 10 minutes a day, you put it inside you, you can't really feel, I mean, it feels good, it's also a vibrator, if you choose to use it that way way and you don't even have to do your key goals because it stimulates them. Okay, so this goes into your vagina and it's safe. It's a medical device. So the point is, I just think that doing your key goals, practicing on your own and taking

the pressure off, like I feel like you're already in this like, oh my god, I'm a little little ping-a-ping. Yeah, and I get it. I am too. That's why I asked the question. I totally get that, but I had to personally alone and just like let it go and forget that and was there and just play with it And it didn't happen like the first time but I'm telling you that combination of kegels using a toy Lube and like making sure I had a

Literal orgasm and like squeezing my legs together was really helpful too What tightening I thought of a question flexing those kegel muscles like you kind of if you throw like that really helps as well with your g spot do you think that's in relaxing the more people have found Jesus or the g spots because it seems that it's unbelievable how many people have not found their g spots and I was thinking a good place to find it would probably be prison which is where a lot of people find Jesus it's really really hard to name the podcast Jesus or Jesus but honey I'm with you it is so tough I mean prison, which is where a lot of people find Jesus. It's really, really hard to find. We're gonna name the podcast, Jesus.

Jesus, I'm just about, honey, I'm with you. It is so tough. I mean, it's still not that easy for me with a partner. Like, it's just the way our bodies are, but I'm telling you once you find it in a different way, and I think, I think, what can you try some of these things? Does that seem like I've given you- We're working on it, so it's just more to just more to encouraging to see that it's the right track.

And that it's not weird. It's not weird. No, it took me so long. And then I had, yeah, it's not weird at all. And relax a little. And get out and maybe do some kind of like extraneous conditioning during the day or something. So you're a little bit more like your body's

a little bit more relaxed. And I don't know, maybe you're going like a long hike beforehand or something? Because she's in her head. She's getting a little bit of her body. Like the last of the day. You've so you're a little bit more like your body's a little bit more relaxed now I don't know like maybe you're going like a long hike beforehand or something because she's in her head Yeah, yeah, you got to get into your body and you got to breathe on you got to breathe into your pelvic floor like breathing breathing It helps with everything better sex better everything better life, right? Yeah, so I think some of those things take the pressure off yourself And do it go for it. Okay, you got this. Okay. Let me know when you find it. Okay. Keep going, Katherine. Thank you. Class of 1. Hi. Thanks. Thank you. All right, guys. We're going to take a quick break and we come back even more orgasms.

Ashley 25 in Boston. Hi Emily, I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months now and he's the best partner I've ever had. In and out of the bedroom. He's the first person I've ever been with who puts my pleasure first. From the very first time we've had sex, he wanted to hold out so I could orgasm before he does, but I can't seem to achieve multiple orgasms. I can't even have multiple orgasms, not even when I masturbate.

While I'm able to continue having sex after I come once, I'm wondering what I can do to increase my chances of having more than one oh and a given session. We're super open with one another so I can bring anything into the bedroom and just try it. I don't know where to start. Any advice would be amazing, Ashley. Okay, Ashley, well, congratulations on the great sex and the guy who's putting your pleasure first.

I love all of that and I love that he's waiting for you to orgasm. And I also love that you can have one orgasm during sex because chances are good, you'll be able to have more. So the reason why we often don't have multiple orgasms is because we really don't even know how. We know it's possible, but it seems like it's a loosive thing in the future.

So I would say the best thing to do is to focus on it when you're alone. So when you're masturbating, flying solo, that's the best time to figure out, well, what exactly happens and how do I learn how to have a multiple orgasm? But here's my best tips and some steps to get you there. So first, give yourself permission for pleasure. Like, you're

allowed to have pleasure, you're allowed to have as many orgasms as you want, so you got to relax into it. That's the key to multiples. So when you're alone in your room, and if you're wherever wants to join you for some mutual master's, that's awesome too. Enjoy the first orgasm. So you had one, that's great, but the trick is to stay connected. Physically and emotionally, while you take a break from the orgasm or however you orgasm. So if you're having sex, you might want to slow down, you might even want to pull out, start touching you well over your body, you know, just kind of put your hand over your vulva so you can just kind of breathe, but you still want to stay connected. And again, during masturbation, this might be a little bit easier. And you wanna kind of master this touch on your own.

And since most women don't experience a lot of multiple orgasms through intercourse, because a lot of times our clitoris is too sensitive if you have a clitoral orgasm, and we just can't take any more touch, but that doesn't mean that you can't build up that energy again. So he might wanna pull out or just move slower

and you can start like indirectly stimulated in your clitoris or again, you can touch your breasts, move it hands all around your body. And throughout all this, well you're enjoying the glow of that one orgasm, you want to continue to breathe. So because if you're doing your head and you're like, is the next one gonna come,

how is it gonna happen? You're gonna lose your mojo. So if you get overwhelmed, just focus on your breath because we breathe into our body, you guys. And this is important for even if you want to have one orgasm, it spreads throughout your whole body and it expands how much pleasure you can actually feel. And it also can enhance the intensity of your orgasm when you breathe. I can't tell you how many people, listeners and friends and people around the office are like, oh my god, Emily, I'm so glad you told me about breathing because now I breathe. And when I breathe, I'm able to have more orgasms and my orgasms are more intense.

So never forget the breath. And they also don't put too much pressure on yourself because when we pressure ourselves, we all know what happens. We get out of the moment, we stop orgasming and we're just wondering when the next one is happening. So I think again, when you're alone would be a great place, just to masturbate, you know, using a vibrator is great. I didn't learn a lot of orgasms until I was on my own and then I'm able to bring it into a relationship. So just breathe, take the pressure off yourself, experiment, and I think it's totally possible. Okay, this is from Dexter 48 in Florida. Dear Emily,

according to recent books, literal orgasms seem to be the holy grail of orgasms. Previously, people were encouraged to explore the G-spot, the U-spot, and A-spot orgasms. Now it's being said that there's no such thing as vaginal orgasms, and that searching for the G-spot is a waste of time. What are your thoughts on this, Dexter?

Okay, why do these studies keep coming up, you guys? There's been so many studies that the G-Spot exists, it doesn't exist. Now, I happen to know that a lot of women are going to tell you otherwise. I can assure you that all these companies too that make these G-Spot toys that just kind of hit this sweet spot, they're probably not wrong either. But the fact that time it's just very, very misunderstood and that there's really no such thing as a wrong kind of orgasm. Some women have literal orgasms. Someone can only have internal

exor orgasms called the G-spot, the A-spot, the U-spot. But I think the most important thing is that women, you know, by the way, I think you prioritize and figure out what works for them and find out where their pleasure is. Then go in that direction. You know, I think the clitoris is confusing. It's not just that little button that has 8,000 nerve endings. There's also, you know, those nerve endings extend inside. There's not just that little button that has 8,000 nerve endings. There's also those nerve endings extend inside. There's internal nerves. So we want to say, oh, well, maybe that's actually what's happening. The other reason why this is a debate, I think, is because so many women have this expectation

that during penetration, they should have an orgasm. And if they don't, something's wrong with them. They're broken. They're missing some kind of like super power. Well, we all know that only 30% of women actually have orgasms during intercourse. And so what I think this whole conversation should be about is women specifically understanding

that the clitoris for a lot of women, if they have clitoral stimulation, they're more likely to have an internal orgasm during sex or during anything else. It can just help to knock out that literal orgasm and then the whole internal area, the G-spot, if you believe in that kind of thing, it becomes more engorged and that's easier to have orgasms.

So my thoughts to you Dexter is, no matter if you're with a woman, just pay attention to what she needs, what she wants, have talked to her, and figure out her hotspots. I'm sure she will guide you or you guys can go exploring together. We have so much potential for pleasure guys, so just keep searching. These are ways that we perpetuate the orgasm gap that we never realize, according to a psychologist.

You know I talk a lot about the orgasm gap in the sense of, God, men orgasm way more often than women, and also women need longer to achieve orgasm and sex only lasts between 68 minutes, typically, not our sexual couples and women take about 20 minutes to orgasm, and there is a gap. Another way to think about the gap is that there is this thing that is subtly penetrated through society about vaginal penetration. We are pressured, women are taught from a young age, and men that if we don't orgasm through vaginal penetration, a man sticking his penis in my vagina, and I don't have an orgasm,

there is something that's wrong with me, I am broken, because that's just how sex is. So here's a few ways that they show that this is why we believe this is that pop culture depicts women orgasming through penetration. So think about it. Everything we've seen in porn, mainstream movies, there's a few seconds of thrusting. And all of a sudden, like a woman's having an orgasm

and they're, they roll over and everything's amazing. And so we believe that something is wrong with us if that doesn't happen. The other thing is the proportion of women who orgasm through penetration is way overestimated. I mean, I've told you this guys many times, only 30% of women can orgasm through penetration alone. And there's other studies that say it's only like 15%. Bottom line, women need their clitoris stimulated you guys it is a

different deal because number three shows you here that because because the next point is female genitalia since we can remember in our lifetimes have been defined by the vagina so the socialization teaches women that we should orgasm through in a course begins at that time in our lives. When we are small children and we're like, men have a penis and women have a vagina. So nobody talks about the fact that actually the clitoris is something very different than the vagina. Because we hear penis vagina and then we hear sex. So we think penis goes in vagina and that's sex.

And this is kind of analogous to telling a child that the nose is for both eating and breathing since the nose and the mouth are on the face, which kind of reminds me of like the vulva, which is the exterior to the vagina in the internal. So you can see why we all just assume that the vagina is where the magic happens. And really for a lot of women, it's the clitoris, the vulva. And then finally, guys, I'm going to say, this is true that male pleasure is simply valued over female pleasure. Again, this has to do with society.

And this comes down to the way we have defined sex in a way that really favors male sexual pleasure over female sexual pleasure. And so, in a study in the journal of human sexuality, they found that 63% of college men, but only 44% of women received oral sex during their last hookups. So men are getting blow jobs after them right,

and women not so much. So I think that we're always seeing talking about the blow job, is women feel like they owe men oral sex, and guess what, that's really not the case. So let's close that orgasm gap, shall we? So you guys listen, so I think you can see this really hit close to home.

And I hope it really made you think and think about, wow, there is this gap. I have not been having the orgasms I wanna have. Do you feel like your orgasms have been gaped? Do you feel like you have not received your do-fit, your do-amount of orgasms? Because you can see here, you guys, it's really just the way that we've been socialized.

It's really deeply ingrained to who we are. From a very young age, you guys, this is in no way bashing men. I don't think you know any better. Like I wouldn't know. I believed all of these things at one point that I was broken because I wasn't having orgasms through intercourse, so I get it.

So I want to hear from you though. Is there a way, do you think that you've missed out on some orgasms because of this men or women? Does this make sense to you? Does this resonate? Okay, Jamie, wanna read the next one? Yes, cool. Okay, this is from Megan, who's 24 and Idaho.

Hi, Emily. I've been married for a year, but been with my husband for four years prior. We have an incredible life together and half the time, an amazing sex life. Lately, I have been super horny, but all at the wrong times, leaving me masturbating in my lunch breaks or anytime that I'm alone. Although this is fine, I'm to the point that when I'm alone with porn, I orgasm under five minutes. And when I'm trying to enjoy being intimate with my partner, I can't seem to orgasm.

I feel like something's wrong with me that I can't relax enough to enjoy the real thing with my partner, I can't seem to orgasm. I feel like something's wrong with me that I can't relax enough to enjoy the real thing with my man. Should I quit masturbating altogether or maybe just quit using toys? Thank you. Okay, great question. None of the above. There is nothing wrong with you.

Just need a little bit of good old-fashioned communication. And it sounds like you're really in your head with your husband and you're probably Maybe oblocking yourself orgasm blocking that is a real struggle. So And I would say you're at the wrong times What are you just like getting horny when you're hungry at lunch that it sounds like you're at work or Horengry hungry hungry is a thing instead of hangry hungry Yeah, and you are originally from five minutes.

I think that you've gotten your head about this. I think that you got to, it's about getting out of your head and into your body and thinking what was happening in the moment. Yes, definitely bring toys, bring porn, and I'm sure it's going to turn your partner on as well. That's what works for you. That's going to work for both of you, it's your husband. So this is the time to start talking about it.

Yeah, no, definitely. Like, it's, those things don't have to be separate. You just, and Emily said this before, recreate your masturbation sessions with your husband. You know, like incorporate that. And also, if you, toys aren't going to ruin you and either is porn, but switch it up, don't use them every time that you're masturbating. Yeah, just try, yeah, if you're worried about, right, exactly, just kind of switch it up, just like everything, just because that's going to get

boring too, right? That's going to get to be the same old, same old. So I think it's a communication thing. Once you take the pressure off yourself, you're going to realize that the orgasms will come. Yes. The orgasms will come in there. That's something like that. Yeah, exactly. Okay guys, thanks for listening.

I hope you enjoyed the orgasm show and thanks to my incredible team Ken Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. Feedback at sexwithemily.com