Sex With Emily - Social Media: Changing How We Date, Mate & Relate

Episode Date: August 2, 2014

Social media is here to stay but how is it affecting your relationships?. In the studio tonight is freelance writer Annie Daly who lends her expertise on sex, dating, health and millennial trends for New York Post, Women's Health, SELF, Elle, Shape, Health and Time Out New York to name a few.  Emily and Annie talk about why social media does matter (even if you dislike it), Generation Validation and the rules of online dating. But first, will Anderson give up what he’s learned from Sex With Emily that’s made his wife happy in the bedroom?You might love social media but it is ruining your dating life? Have you been #Ghosted? What does “like” even mean? How has the internet affected your relationship? And will it bring you together or swipe you into oblivion? Emily and Annie talk about how “Premature Escalation” is something you should avoid before the first date. Emily shares need-to-hear stats on social media, relationships and sex that will surprise you.  Plus how social media is not only speeding up the courtship process but also getting people to have sex sooner than later. Have you been a victim of mass booty-texting? Emily and Annie share stories on Generation Validation: Is everything online seeping into our real lives? The two talk about the need we have for affirmation and how it drives our actions (inappropriate or not). Plus, what's the difference between healthy and unhealthy posting?Emily and Annie tackle other topics including unconventional dating sites and apps that actually help you find love, how to identify the winners online and what kind of text it took to take Emily away from oral sex. Annie shares stories from her time as a reporter, the New York dating and how writing about love and sex for Cosmo changed the way she handles relationships.While covering Tinder territory, Emily and Annie discuss Annie’s surprising Tinder experiment, Tinder “binges” and how Tinder might be better for you overseas. Emily wraps things up by answering a listener's question about snooping and how reading your partner’s texts will always turn up something that will bring you down.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for checking out this episode of Sex with Emily. Tonight we're talking about how social media is changing the way we date, mate, and relate. Is it making it easier harder to be in a relationship? Are we the generation of validation on tonight's show? Also, I want to thank everyone for supporting my show and as you know, I love to keep it free for you. So thank you for supporting my sponsors. I am obsessed with my no-no, pro. I've spent so much time and money on reasons and waxing and getting rid of all this hair. And you know what?

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Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. Oh my god. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between.

For more information, go to sexwithemlee.com. We can check out all of our podcasts. Sign up for a mailing list. Have you not signed up for a mailing list set? And you're actually a listener? I don't understand, because my mailing list, first of all, if you sign up, you get the five biggest mistakes you're making about if you're a man or a woman. Plus, I send you emails just like once a week and they're actually informative and helpful. And people always say, oh, I love your emails.

And you says they love your emails, right? I do like emails. So check it out. And also, subscribe to my podcast and iTunes because then you never miss a show. There's two a week. They're awesome. And one more request for you all is that I would just love what next time you're on iTunes, if you might want to give us a review

Tell us what you think of the show, right? I'm here with Anderson Isn't nice to me review a few years ago Nice to get feedback. Yeah, but we charged for the show like member when I was like I've been trying to make a living at this for a long time I never knew when you're a whore in yourself out. You've always been free when I've known you right But I did a little stint and then there was some I just know that there's angry people who were like why are you charging? But we're not doing anymore. So if you're enjoying it, it's worth it It's worth five bucks an episode from the stuff that you learn about the bedroom. I know honey. How much have you learned?

Going to bed my wife's gonna happy I don't tell you what I learn or what I use but I learned stuff Like really like you take stuff home. I've learned a few things What tell me one I've learned a couple things give me one You know what I don't want to. Oh, Anderson, you're so make me uncomfortable. I'm happy. I'm happy. Okay, fine. But your wife loves me. She does. She likes you quite a bit. Yes. Okay. Well, Anderson, it's good to see you. Welcome back. It's good to see you. I'm awesome. She lives in Manhattan and she's a freelance writer. She writes for a bunch of magazines. I'm sure you've seen her name. She writes for New York Post,

Women's Health Self-El-Shape Health Time Out New York and primarily covers sex dating relationships, health wellness, diet fitness, and millennial trends. And I actually met Annie when, hi Annie. I was so glad you're here. We look so good. How are you? I'm great. You look so pretty and tan and healthy. I've been raging the California life for about a week now. Wow, really? Is it great here? I'm upset. Are you moving? I want to.

Okay. At some point. Okay. I'm about to turn 30 and I feel like maybe that decade will be the decade of change. I think it should be. 30s are good. Yeah. Okay. So Annie and I met originally when you were at Cosmo, right? Correct. You called me like for quotes or something. Yeah. I think it's because actually I listened to your show. Oh, okay. And then I wanted to interview because you were so great. And so I just called you

and let me tell everybody out there, by the way, just quick little PR thing for Emily, she is the best expert ever because she's so smart and she's so real. And you just get it. A lot of experts don't get it, you know. Did I like send you like quotes? They're like sometimes creepy.

Like people, no, it's true. People who have PhDs in sex, which by the way exists. So I see no one. I have a doctor in human sexuality, right? But they're more like technical and practical. A little, yeah. Yeah. And they're old.

A lot of them are like in their 70s, it's like these men who are so smart, but they don't exactly have their hand on the pulse video. The finger exactly, think we do. And he does for sure. She's very amazing stuff. You got to check out and you're on Twitter. You're at Annie M. Daily, D.L.Y.

And this will all be on the website. And on Instagram too. And Instagram. Annie M. Daily. Yeah. And we, and I love your stories. And the New York Post has been big for you lately. We've been so big.

Some of those things. I mean, that's amazing. Congratulations. I mean, you're a huge star in most of those stories. I know, I love it. I'm like, great. Well, it's funny because my intern Madison today was reading stuff. And she's reading our shirts.

Like, and I love that, oh, the premature escalation thing. Oh, we need to talk about that. Can we talk about that? And she was like, that was so great. That was so great. I'm like, that was my quote, but we, yeah, it was totally your quote. Right. Well, it was an article about I'm like, that was my quote, but yeah, it was totally your quote. Right, well it was an article about,

do we connect to my, okay, cause tonight's show, as I said earlier, is we're gonna be talking all about how is online dating, how is just everything, the internet, social media, how is it affecting your relationship, your ability to date, people are cheating more, they're breaking up,

they're spying, they're snooping. I mean, it's also bringing people together, there's lots of good things, but it's completely changing the way we live and function in this world. And we just have some interesting stats and tips about dating. But first, this article was about how it's an interesting point about how we before we date, we meet someone online. I think what was the article about telling me? It was about like, do we talk too much at a time? So it was basically about when you Meet someone online, right? And then you exchange info and what happens is you start texting and Email him before you even meet the person and that's what the article was about because you can go on these

Huge long texting spurts without even ever having met them right and it's bizarre because it's like basically the entire context of a first date happens over text. And the reason I got the idea for this article is that that happened to me, this guy that I met on OKQ, but he seemed cute and normal. And then he started texting me these questions, like first date questions, like, so what's your relationship with your siblings? You know, and he's like going on any vacations lately. And I'm like, this is just so super weird. I don't even know if you're cool.

Exactly. Like, why am I going to waste my time where you were during him? Well, so eventually I was actually pretty blunt. And I said, listen, I think you're cool. And your pictures look pretty cool. But I think that you should save the first day questions for the first day. Good for you. I said that. That's good. And then did you like him on the day? Um, originally yes, but then he turned out to be super lame. And he actually ghosted me. What does that mean?

Um, ooh, do I get to introduce a term, right? Yeah. Oh, this is huge. What? Okay, so ghosting is when a guy just all of a sudden never conscious. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It disappears.

Yeah. Yes, but it's ghosting. It's ghosting. Yeah, I didn't know it was called that. It is a sudden never conscious. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it disappears. It disappears. Yes, but it's ghosting. It's ghosting. Yeah, I didn't know it was called that. It is a cosmotherm. Oh, right. I don't know that. They just disappeared. But the amount of the article was like, we were like, why?

When you meet someone online and you make a connection and you make plans for a date, save it for the date. You shouldn't have too many textings back and forth that I said to her during the interview. I'm like, it's like, we're all prematurely escalating. It's like a premature escalation of the date before it even happens. Right, and then I think you also compare it to a microwave. It's like when you put a potato in the microwave

and all of a sudden it boils in 30 seconds and then it just pops. And that's what happens when you text too much before you meet the person. It's just like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Everything happens quickly. And then it ends just as quickly as it began. It's exactly. And then we create this problem with it too. And this is my advice for people dating online is that you you create this whole thing in your

mind like he's a really funny texture. He's he's he's really into it. She it's great. We have such a connection and then you walk in within two seconds you're like I would have or maybe after you're like I'm not that into him. I spent all this energy getting to know you might as well just wait to date. And I don't think you should become Facebook friends beforehand. Like don't follow on Instagram. Although some guys have asked me to become Facebook friends at a time.

And I still have. Yeah. Yeah. No, don't escalate it before you meet them. Because you know what else sometimes happens? Is they become so boring when you actually meet them that you wish you were texting with them. You wish, I do that sometimes.

It's like when I meet someone, I love their texting style. wish, I do that sometimes. I do too. When I meet someone, I love their texting style and I don't really like their IRL style. So, I just kind of want them to go away so I can text with them. Exactly. It's horrible. That was an relationship for two years like that. I'm using text. And we were together and he was reading books so boring.

And I'm like, let's go, let's go in the next room and text me. And then there was a stat, we've all these great stats online and it said something like about how men are, I'll get to it in a second, but like some percentage of men say that social media obviously is making them. Oh 80% of women, this was from ABC News, it says that social media leads to faster sex. Men and women say communicating via social networking and messaging, texting leads them to the bedroom faster. So not necessarily before the date, but just even if it's after the

first date, 80% of women say relationships lead to sex more quickly because it's so easy state to stay connected. 58% of the men survey said flirting over Facebook, text and gchat helps them get women into the sack sooner. So it's all about the words because brain, we love a clever guy. Oh, yeah. It's not even about the words though. It's about the likes and the pokes and everything. That's actually the point. Yeah, no, folks are kind of old school. I can't believe I just said that. No, I get what I really love me though. I'm like really, I really find the poke button.

It's gone. Folks you, man. Random people. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.

It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.

It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. want to go to too much effort to let you know that. And so it's just this little thing where it's like, they want to keep you in their back pocket, just kind of keep you on one of their many burners. And just like throw you a little like, and you get excited for a brief moment in time,

and you're like, oh, maybe that means something. Right. And then we analyze, what did they like mean? Because it's a photo of me, whatever, did he meet? Like, do you think he really meant to like, you know, it's like we analyze everything. It's like, it's got kind of like, and I also think like texting was invented. I used to say for guys, but it's for men and women too,

because think about like the booty call before texting. It was like you'd call one person, you'd wait, but now the guy can, or a woman, I've done it. You can text five people, like whoever shows up first or do his play tonight, and you just keep like texting and going, and we're all connected in a way that, I mean, but do you think it's healthy unhealthy? I think that as with most things it goes both ways and it's like I think that it's healthy if you use it right and the whole thing for me is that you have to accept it and not resist it

because I think it's when you try to resist it so much that it becomes unhealthy because then it backfires and if you just kind of accept it as something that is just part of life and you treat an Instagram like as something that does matter to your relationship instead of just dismissing it as like, oh, that's social media, it doesn't matter. Right. It does. You know, it does matter. Like it's everything.

It is really it's how I run my business and connect with friends. It matters. it does matter. Like it's everything. It is really, it's how I run my business and connect with friends. It matters. It does matter. And so, yeah, I think that it's really important to realize that. Yeah, I guess it does matter. So, we also talked about, I mean, it matters, but it's also like, I know. And so, what about this, um, okay, so there's all these studies I have here, but tell me

about your, we'll go this in a minute, but your most recent article that just came out in L online. Oh, yeah. And generation validation. Yeah. I love it. Tell me about your, we'll go this in a minute, but your most recent article that just came out in L online. Oh, yeah. And generation validation. Yeah. I love it. So tell me about your article.

OK, so this article, it was actually inspired by a friend of mine who said that she, one time, she got dressed for a wedding. And she went out the door and she thought that she looked so good. She had gotten a blow out, had on really nice makeup, like love to dress. She guessed the wedding and she didn't get a compliment right away. And she just kind of, all of a sudden she just assumed that her outfit was terrible because somebody hadn't told her that it was awesome. Even though she thought that it was awesome on her way out the door. So I started thinking about that and I was like, you know what?

awesome on her way out the door. So I started thinking about that. And I was like, you know what, there's something to be said for that. I think that our generation, everything that's happening on social media and online, it's seeping into our real lives. And we're so used to getting all of these likes online. Especially the key thing is that a lot of the likes that we get, they don't really matter. Right. It's like, you can post a picture of a cupcake. And I said this in the article, it's like, people will post a picture of a cupcake. It's terribly photographed. It's bad lighting. The frosting is like all like melty and gross.

It's in no way a good photograph let alone a cool creative thing to post and we'll get a hundred likes. So what does that mean? You know, it's like, it doesn't mean they like the person, so they're like, oh, I'm just, I like an obligatory like, it's stupid. It is stupid. And so what the experts say is that that

then dilutes the value of the like, which basically means that when the value of the like is diluted, it means that everybody then expects them for everything. And so then when you are translating that to real life, it's like, you're not just waiting around for something to actually matter to get like, do you expect everything that you do to be liked?

Right, I do. So yeah, I like post a picture of Facebook. I'm like, God, I thought you get a lot more likes on that. Right, I'm like, should I take it down? I know, but like, you should like get under, like, I got 10. It was probably late, maybe I look ugly, you know? But here's the trick.

Do you want to hear a trick? Yes. And this is actually- All my friends and tell them was probably late, maybe I look ugly, you know? But here's the trick, do you wanna hear a trick? Yes. Okay, and this is actually- All my friends and tell them to like it, so I feel better now. No, no, no, no, no, it comes from within. This is about to sound pretty handy. I love myself, no, I like it.

Yeah, so it's like, basically, if you post a picture and then you picture yourself in five minutes, going back to check to see how many people liked it, then if you ask yourself if you need to do that to feel good, if you don't need to do that, if you can like picture posting the picture and not looking back at it for about an hour or two and not caring, then you should post it and then you're healthy. And if you picture yourself needing to go back to see how many people liked it right

away, then it's unhealthy, and you're seeking validation from other people rather than yourself. Which most people do anyway. It's interesting because I was texting with a guy friend last night who just broke up with this girl who I told him was cheating on him. I could just tell. He's like, well, she's got a next boyfriend, and they're working together in the same town right now, but she says, you know, that they're just friends and Whatever she'll tell me ahead of time if they sleep together and I'm like they're sleeping together Okay, I'm telling you she's sleeping with because she was kind of seeing both. Yeah sure enough

I get this like desperate call from him last night He's like, you know what she she told me she's you were so right. She's sleeping with them like she's out of town for like six weeks doing stuff for work Said yeah, I told you that he said well, well, why would the shop, we talked, and then we texted. He says, well, why, how could someone do that? Why do women need to, I'm like, well, everyone does it. I said, we, he said, is it because she needs validation? I said, actually, and this is even besides social media,

I think so many of us, you know, women and men who are challenged with low self-esteem, and we keep looking for other people. Maybe she's sleeping around or wants all the, you know, she's also like in the entertainment industry, whatever. But we, when we constantly are trying to get affirmation from the outside, it just means that we're trying to fill ourselves up, but we're like, it's like an empty hole because until we love ourselves, no, a million, I could get five million

likes on something, but it'll still make me feel it won't fill me up It's not real. It's not until you love yourself. And I was saying, She clearly has some insecurities and because a lot of things you told me and people do it for a lot of reasons But yeah, she's probably with this guy. He's telling she's beautiful. She feels good and she likes the attention for men And you know who doesn't but in what time at what point do you like stop and you're like I love myself as a matter because kind of what we're saying is like it shouldn't matter what other people think right and this whole social media thing is all about like I care if I get retweets and stuff because of course get more followers and more whatever like it matters but

then it just seems so I mean this wasn't existing we were in having this conversation I know I know I know I mean I this wasn't existing. We were going to have in this conversation. I know. I know. I know. I mean, I think that the big thing that we all have to do is you just have to stop and pause a little bit more. And that's, I think that that's the big piece of advice is that it's, everything is happening faster. Everything is happening more quickly. So it's really easy to just go, go, go, go, go, and just not stop and think about what you actually think. Right. And so if you do that, just a little bit more frequently, and that sounds so therapisty, which is stupid. No, I get it. I want to put the phone on.

It's just like, stop and check in with yourself, which, again, I kind of sound like one of those creepy 70 year old men. No, but it's true. But it's true. It's so true. You've got to stop. You've got to turn your phone off. You really have to. Yeah, how about like, then dates and stuff. So what about all this, like, everybody on dates who who are who using their phones or there are in Relate let's not even say dates because dates I think most people know at least on the first date

I just go to the bathroom or if I want to check the phone. Oh, yeah, no we put it away. I hope wait Side note to that real quick. I one time got a compliment on a date for not bringing my bathroom or not bringing my phone to the bathroom Because he was like you're the first girl who, not bringing my phone to the bathroom because he was like, you're the first girl who hasn't brought her phone to the bathroom and I know what you guys are doing in there. They know. They know. Oh my God.

Or they went to the bathroom and I'm checking on like a hot pack. Oh yeah, no, they know. Because I was complimented on the fact that I wanted it on the table. Oh yeah. Did you consciously leave it on the table? I did actually because I could see him.

He was like watching me. And I was about to grab it because of course I wanted to check Instagram. Right. And I didn't. Oh, I know. And I didn't. And you got to be bad affirmed. You got complimented.

It's true. No, it is. So ladies, don't bring your phone to the back. Oh my god, I just did it on a date the other night. But I didn't really like the guy. But still, I can't help it. You knew what you were doing on the toilet. I knew I was doing it.

I know. I literally was texting my best friend from the bathroom because I'm going to see her. I'm going to Chicago tomorrow and I had a texturizing on my flight. I'm like, I'm in the bathroom. You want to blind date text? You're right now. She's like, oh my god, you're hilarious. I bet that you've responded to some of my interview emails in the bathroom on date.

Oh, probably. I probably have like Annie. I gotta go. But here's a thing, here's what we're talking about. I think, there's another thing here, God, we have so many things about how, so when our, it says like, it's just from like time, magnitude, I think when does our obsession with our phones,

our apps and our social media trends become like a fungal rot on our real life social presence, which is kind of like what you're talking about. Like is it, and is it, are you, you know, there's other sets that say like the percentage of people who've checked their phone during sex, or it just, it just, it, it, it, it, it, it, that's a pretty high number, as I recall.

I've done that. Yeah. I mean, that during oral sex. No, like, I think, he was for oral sex, I mean, no, it was funny, because I was like, wait, if it's Lauren, I gotta check, because if my assistant, I'm like because we got to get this newsletter out I'm just looking for the last I just got to check real quick

I did where did that relationship go let me just turn the tables on you I still were still at least to sometimes see each other He gets me I don't but I don't want to be that right and I read that I'm like who does that in bad? I'm like this oral sex count. Okay. I did it during all sex because my phone was right next to me And I was trying to get a newsletter anyway. It's stupid, but we just... Yeah, and you have good vision in that point, so, you know. I've got good vision, right?

I'm really clear. I'm gonna prove it now. You might have a proof this. But that get couples to it night, you know, it's taking away the intimacy in the bedroom. Couples are on their phones. I know that I, like, reading things on my phone at night, and I'm, I know it's like, study, say, also,

like it's not good for you for your brain waves to be reading it, to looking at your phone before you go to bed and they should like read a book. Oh yeah, it has the blue light. It makes you not sleep if you look at it for an hour before you go to bed. Yeah. Oh, I do.

But I like super that on my pillow. Yeah, on charging, do you? Yeah, on my pillow. Yeah, on my pillow. Are we weird? Yeah. I think we have a lot of similarity.. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I do think that it's affecting our relationship. So I think that it's also a rise of narcissism. Yeah. And it's a rise of like, you know, you think about like when you're on FaceTime, it's like, are you looking yourself or you're looking at the person? Like, you know, everything that we do is trying to get these like affirmations. It's tough. Oh, I already nothing. And it's narcissism doesn't exist before. But it is definitely magnified now. doesn't exist before. But it is definitely magnified now. And I think that my whole thinking about that is that you really just need to find

someone who's compatible with your social media style as stupid as that sounds. Exactly. But it's like there are some guys who are just completely not on it at all. And there are others who are. And if you are self-aware enough to know that you are one of those people who's always on it, then it makes sense to partner yourself with someone who is too, because then you'll get each other more. But maybe, right, but what if you're with someone? Like, I know a guy I was dating when I first moved to LA. He, it's over. I'm crazy. He's like, still look. And that bothered me

that he was monitoring me. Like, don't check it. But in a way, it's healthy or not to. Like, I was hanging out with them watching me be like, what did it matter on Saturday night while my phone was, why couldn't I turn it off? But I also, like, div data guys, you're like, I get it, but maybe check your phone. It's cool, like do it, you know? But I do think that a lot of relationships

have been ruined and affected by social media and by certain people's addiction to their phone and being more into their phone or their laptop than they are To their partner like my friends as her boyfriend their long distance relationship And now of course like six months in or seven months in she's like yeah, and they done the iPad all weekend And it's like it's in the bedroom or it's so I don't know I guess before that maybe we were watching TV But it's just become more and more you're just connected with everyone and I don't know how healthy it is Yeah, I don't know it really I go more and more, you're just connected with everyone and I don't know how healthy it is.

Yeah, I don't know. I go back and forth on the issue. I really, really do. And I think so much of it depends on who you're dating at the time. Right. And it really does, because if you're with someone who understands and who gets it and won't be monitoring you, then it's fine because you both know your limits. And that really gets back to just accepting social media as a part of life, which is what I really have just come to conclude with all of this stuff is that you can't ignore it. And it's like it's real, it's here,

and it's an extension. People used to say that it was like you're a different self. It's kind of the same self, you know. And that's what you really need to focus on. It's how is it the same self though? Because what if you're projecting a certain, you want to project something that isn't really, is it really the same you? Or are you like only posting you in certain light? You're not like when you're crying and you're bad and depressed. Oh, I know. It's like when you're out with your girlfriends having a good time. But like, like, people always make you're always out. I'm like, I never go out. I'm like, because you see me on Instagram, or it's, you know, that's another weird thing that we talk to

people. They're like, God, it seems like your work is taken off. Or you're so busy. And I'm like, I've been home the last three nights, but the, you know, but the, the social media, if they see three of my pictures a week or whatever, it looks like that I'm, you know, people just make these assumptions about you. Oh, and I am out, but I'm also home a lot, doing other things into my pajamas, and my hugs just came. Oh yeah. So. I know it's true.

I think that we just need to rely on the smartness of people to understand that that's the case. And I think there has been enough articles about that recently, and people understand that it will be weird for me to post a picture me in my uggs with like no makeup on and my retainers and you know. Right, exactly. Which by the way, I told you so.

Do you wear them or are they guy? No, no. You're still wearing seventh grade? Well, it's from seventh grade and I'm now 29. Yeah. And you didn't lose it? I did have not lost it. I get it adjusted sometimes.

Yeah. Teeth are very nice. Thank you. It's, not lost it. I get it a week later. I get it a week later. Sometimes. Yeah. Teeth are very nice. Thank you. You know why. That's so funny, because I lost my Lego wig after I risked. It's in two or four people are using it.

It's my full lip. Oh my god, my full lip. Whoa. What just happened? I don't know. I opened something that's playing. Oh. I hate when that happens.

So, and then the whole Facebook thing. So here's an article about faith. That's what I was opening. It says that, okay, so we said that it leads them to the bedroom faster. And then 10 years ago, people would have to go on several dates to connect and share the same amount of information.

So social media and texting are cutting out the middle man, allowing data to flirt. And it's this easy access, easy access hurting us, helping or hurting us. And 51% people said that this is from ABC Poll, between iPads and cell phones, and the bedroom couples time isn't as intimate as it used to be. And that people are, you know, using it during sex.

I can't believe I just admitted that. It wasn't actual sex. It was oral sex. Yeah, that is a distinction with a difference, I would say. Exactly, exactly. Yeah.. I don't know. I actually I think that it's different when you're dating versus when you're in a relationship honestly because I think that when you're dating, it really does help you get to know a person, especially Instagram.

I'm a big Instagram into your life person because it just it really is a window into who you are especially because people just it really is a window into who you are especially because people use it frequently and you you can't really put on that much of a front when you're on it all the time and you're kind of documenting your day today life you know but so tell me like do you so because I don't really like do a strategy with your like do posts certain things I hope I follow you I don't follow I want to follow you I think you do I follow you, it'll follow you. I want to follow you. I think you do. I follow you. I know. I'm going to follow you.

But what do you, because everyone saying the Instagram is that I'm sex with Emily on Instagram. She's Annie M. Daily. But what do you mean, like, how do you think Instagram more so than Twitter? Or why do you think that's? Well, because I think that, first of all, we are all visual creatures. And our eye is just drawn to images more than words, I think. At a fundamental level, especially with our low attention span, it's just the picture grabs you.

So I think that's the main advantage that it has over Twitter. And also, I like to think of Instagram posts as a little mini magazine every single post because it gives you a chance to show people how you see the world and then you get the chance to caption it and you tell them your thoughts about it and it's like a direct insight into your brain and it's just it's more so. I always feel like it's so random like oh that's funny but I'm not thinking about it. But I guess it is. It's because you think it's funny.

Right. There's actually so there's an app. It's um it's new It's called glimps. Did I, I think I interviewed you for the story? Yeah, I remember this, okay. So it's basically, it's a combination of Instagram and Tinder. And they say that it's really, really rising. And it's about to, you know,

get up there with Tinder. And what it does is it allows you to pick nine of your favorite Instagram pictures that you think represent who you are. And's what people look at and that's how people judge you is by your Instagram photos. And that's a dating app. It's a dating app and so then if you like somebody's pictures then you start talking to them and you're like, yo I love that sunset picture that you took. I also like to take sunset pictures. Right. And that's how you start the conversation. Yeah.

I've been hearing that more and more from people who said, oh, I met the sky. I didn't get his phone or writing, get it anything. But I got his Instagram account. So now I've been liking his photos and he's liking mine. Oh, yeah. So interesting that how it connects people like that. You're right. Absolutely.

Because it's like, it's the gradual and the post I actually called it, insta love. And that's what it is. And this was which, this was the story. I think I have a great idea. called it insta love and that's what it is. And this was which this was the story. It was called futures type in Annie daily New York post insta love. It will probably love that. No, I have it right here.

I have so much here about about your stuff. So yeah, insta love. Article fighting love on Instagram versus Tinder is that the one? Yeah. Okay. So we need to talk about Tinder too. Oh, yeah. Instagram. What would you to talk about Tinder too. Oh yeah. Yes we do.

What were you just saying before? I just cut you off. I was just saying overall that I really, that Instagram, to me, that's the thing that makes dating the easiest because I can, I'm on glimps. Yeah, I'm on all of them. I'm on glimps. I'm on Tinder. I'm on OkaCupid.

I'm on whatever, you know. Okay. We got to get into all the Tinder because there's so many like, but there's so many theories now. Like I was talking to one other day in a meeting, of course it was about like a professional meeting and then like after the meeting, she's like, okay, so I'm on Tinder when everyone has their questions.

She's like, I heard the first photo, it was supposed to be this and the one that catches them and the second one has to be your playful and I'm like, really like there's all these strategies, but we're gonna get to that in a minute. First, I'm going to talk about, give it a little word, shout out to our sponsors here. I want to thank everyone for listening to the show

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Do you have any fun Tindering telephones? I have, so. Love it! You're the travel Tinder. Okay, yeah. That's all about it. Oh, man, I have two huge Tinder stories to tell. The first one is that I have been in California for the past week and visiting my grandparents in Laguna Beach. Look how it's been.

So you gotta go to the house and they were just kidding me. So, well, yeah, so they're 87 years old and they brought me to a happy hour with them and it was all of their like, like two in the afternoon, right? No, is that five o'clock actually? Okay, good. And they were, you know, taken back some glasses of wine.

Let me tell you. I love it. And so I decided to introduce all of them to Tinder. I love it. I really thought I wanted to film that. That's amazing. It was so funny. So they were all, so I had a bunch of, you know,

like 80-year-old people just surrounding me. And we were going through all the dudes on Tinder who were within a five-block radius. And they may be message some of them. It was so funny. I wrote to one of them, hey my grandpa, thanks you're cute. Ha ha ha. Did it work?

Yeah, he wrote back. He was like, hey, what's up, how's it going? Do you do message them first when you match sometimes? Yeah, I do all the time, that's the thing. I mean, they message me, but I have no problem messaging them for. That's good. That's bold, okay.

It is bold. Yeah, it's like, why wait? I don't really think about it, to be honest, that's like my whole thing with Tinder and this is with all of my friends and all of the stories that I've written about it. What the ultimate conclusion is just from you know, crowd talking to the crowd is that people do it randomly and don't really put that much thought into it. And a lot of people think that people are thinking about it more than they are You mean as far as their profile or as far as just swiping and swiping It's like people do it to the game on the couch watching TV It's just like this absent-minded way to kill time and no one's really doing it seriously at all or when they're drinking

And it's kind of like when you're waiting in line at Trader Joe And you just like you're you know you're done looking through Instagram. You've seen all the pictures and you're like what's next? Yeah right I do a loop. Yeah Facebook Instagram. Yeah totally just do a little swipe. Right. And what happens to me sometimes is I'll like get into it for you know I'll like go on a Tinder binge for a little bit.

Right it is a bit I'll just be like. Just be like. Just be like. Yeah and I'll just message a ton of guys wake up in the morning and I have all these responses and I'm like, eh, over it. Right, that's what I did. I got to turn it over right back. Right, exactly. You were like, that was my moment last night.

I was totally. Yeah, and then do they ever go, hey, they message you again? Yeah, and they'll be like, one time this guy, I went on a Tinder binge and I messaged him and I was like, hey, you're cute. So of course, he writes back and by the time he wrote back, I went on a Tinder rin and I messaged him and I was like, hey you're cute. So of course he writes back and by the time he wrote back I wasn't even interested. Right. And so then he keeps messaging me and he's like, just so you know, there's a guy on Tinder who would love to take you out for a drink.

And I'm like, all right, well now you reach a great spot. Did you get a leader? Right. Did you just block? Block. I know I had a guy who was posting, I think we matched and then he messaged me and then he messaged me again then he messed me again We later a week later with it and then he said here's a graph of our relationship and he was like what?

I did a thing and he was like to sure like a nose dive He's like here it was here, and then we've got and I'm like our relationship because he's been text He like probably message me six times and I just never answered he's like like a downward spiral Seriously premature escalated prematurely escalated and like our relationship. didn't get back to you, but he was kind of be funny, but Yeah, so how did you respond to that though? I didn't respond. He was like, I didn't even respond to this. We just matched and then he said, Hey, like your photo And then I didn't answer and then like a week later. Hello, and then like a week later like so I guess this might not work out Like it was like one of those like swingers, you know, like you like, you should have just written back like, let's just talk about the fact that you made a graph

for someone who you've never met. Like just let that marinate for a second. Exactly, like, could you just write? There's something more productive you could be doing with your time for sure. Yeah. So Tinder, a reason, so there was a study also that said that 21% of taken respondents,

so people in relationships admitted to using dating apps or websites behind their partners back. 43% were on plenty of fish. 37% on Tinder and 29% on match. Like match is full on, like you're paying. That's where you're paying for match. I've heard of people who do, and okay, keep it to, I've heard of people who, or, you know, they have boyfriends and girlfriends go on. I mean, I think to me, the first thing that comes to my mind is you're just in it for the cheap thrill. Right.

And it's you want that like little blip of validation, you want to know that you've still got it, even though you're in a relationship. This is what happens in relationships, I think, with a lot of group and long term relationships, like women are like, I don't feel sexy, I want to feel desire to men too, who don't feel appreciated and loved by their wife, they're like, I'll find someone out there. And then I think that some people have affairs. Like here, I've been in this relationship, this my partner doesn't tell me I'm beautiful anymore,

make me feel good, but here's someone who thinks I'm so great, and that's gonna make me feel good. And again, it goes back to all, it goes back to self-esteem. Oh, it totally does. Because these people, it's like affirmation nuggets is what my ex-boyfriend, one of them, used to call it. Because I used to say to him, like, tell me something good, like we be email, it totally does. Because these people, it's like affirmation nuggets is what my ex boyfriend one of them used to call it because I used to say to him like, tell me something good. Like we be email. It's before like we were texting. We would just email and he's like, you need a little affirmation nugget, Emily. Yeah, I'm like, great. I'm like, great. I'm better than I'm gonna go back to writing or whatever you know, absolutely. And you also do get like a dopamine rush every time you get a text or a lot. Yeah, oh, that's a proven fact. Right.

And I see it. Yeah. And I do have a lot of it. It's like when they- It's a true odd addiction. Oh, it definitely is. Yeah. So 100% because it's so instantly accessible,

and your body becomes used to getting that. And so it becomes harder to get it from within when you can so easily get it from- Right, from everyone else. I mean, I can't not check it. I almost feel like I want to do like a detox of my phone. Like, I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. but for me meditation has been like the even though I am not as good at keeping up with a daily practice, I can like do these 10 day things where you have no phone, no reading,

no writing, no, it's called Vapasana. I mean, there's different ones, but I, I do the first one in Thailand like 15 years ago, but I would just, yeah, you meditate from 4 a.m. to 10 o'clock a night, you can't, and you just sit and you're, you meditate and it's just, it's so, I mean, it's hard, it's a hard thing in the world because you can night, you can't, and you just sit in your, you meditate. And it's just, it's so, it's so, I mean, it's hard. It's the hardest thing in the world because you can't, yeah, can't do anything else. But you really just learn to recognize your mind and learn how to calm it because so many of us let our minds, we're so impulsive, especially with our phones and everything. And we, we let our minds control us rather than learning how to control our minds and our thoughts were so much more reactive than proactive and exactly.

And then your mind, but you're sitting there, I mean, I was there for 10 days. It wasn't until like the eighth day that I finally felt that I was actually able to for five minutes straight not have a thought and just focus my breath. So for me, it was a really good experience. But like I can go off the grid for 11 days, like literally off the grid. Like people who go on vacation now and they've got their phones. Yeah. Well, I think that when you go off the grid for that long, then when you come back, obviously,

you won't be able to keep that up. But if it does work for some sort of jumpstart, that's what those retreats are. Like, if you were to do a digital detox, that's, isn't that what they're called, digital detox? They're so, you know, you read about them. I've never done them myself, but it will be a jumpstart. And so it's like, it gets you really conscious

and focused on how addicted you are. So then you can come back and maybe manage yourself in more of a normal way. And that's the hard part, integrating into your daily life. Like, you can do anything if you're on a monastery somewhere. And you can do that. And so that's like the danger with them, though, is that people think that you come back

and it will just magically transform you into the perfect balance. It won't. I think that the only thing it does is it just makes you conscious. Make you conscious of it. So then you have to really come back and learn how to do that in your day today. Exactly. And that's the part that I mean, I still try, even if it's five or ten minutes, but it's

very, it's very hard, but I know that it's the, for me, and for a lot of people, I think, all the stress and all the anxiety in the world, people truly learned to meditate, to get into their mind, to get out of their mind, and just to learn to focus and relax that they would just be, there'd be so much less anxiety, so much less stress in the world, because I think that we're caught to the ADD, I literally have ADD, I mean, I really truly do,

but then it, but the phone, we all have it, right? Because we're going to put them in a lot of areas, so how do you have a linear thought, like when you're writing, so you do a lot of great writing, I love all your stories. I love your voice. I love your voice. Well, validation, here we go. Oh, no, no, I mean it though.

I really like your voice. So my, my sister, they read on your stuff day two. I really do. I think you have a great voice. And I, but how do you write? How do you sit and do it with like, you do you have your phone number or do you? I, I'm the opposite.

I actually use my phone. I use those little pick me ups to keep me going. Okay. I wouldn't necessarily recommend that for better, for worse. It's just what I do. And I think that everybody just finds their own way. But yeah, I mean, I check Instagram. Like when I'm writing, I check Instagram so much. It's like unhealthy. Aren't you glad that no one can see how often you're checking your stuff? Yeah. There's no way to say, she was just on two minutes ago. Like it does on Tinder, right?

Yeah. Oh, good thing. So wait, so tell me tell me about did you go on any dates this week on tender and then no well that that's the funny thing is that I I have gone on a couple of benches with my grandparents because now we keep going out to dinner and every time It's like whenever somebody new comes there like let's talk about it I've never seen anything like it. Oh, yeah, so in the middle of the night I keep getting all these random messages. So funny, but so no, I haven't got any dates, but I will say that another time that I Tinder traveled, that's what I call it, is that I lived in Costa Rica for the month of April. I think I told you not. Yes, yes.

So I'm. Tinder into Costa Rica. Oh, can you Tinder into Costa Rica. Oh Can you Tinder and go to the Yeah, so Basically, I used it in Costa Rica to meet all of the locals and the funny thing is that there I was staying in Tamerindo, which is a surf town and when you go abroad It's like everyone's on Tinder, but it's kind of different when you're abroad than when you're here because here People use it as more of a hook up dating app.

There it's actually a really good way to just meet friends. And when you're traveling and it's like I went on all these Tinder days and nothing happened with any of the guys except for that I really became good friends with them because they just wanted to be friends with American girls. So it's maybe it wasn't creepy. Yeah, it's like one of them. You know, they were all like local, coastalican guys with dreads so hot like surfer boys Yeah, oh yeah, the whole thing. Oh, yeah, so fun

And then there's no I know that there's not even if something did happen your On vacation. Yeah, but you're also making friends and connecting that makes sense exactly and it's like obviously I probably could have made a move but it's interesting to know that when you use tinder bra that it does kind of take on a different form. Yeah, so any other tinder texture stories like what do you think about the pictures and the or have you heard all these theories about like the first picture has to be this in the second picture and I have I think that it's more about what you say first. Like just don't say, hey, what's up? Right. You know, you have to say.

Let's talk about the first message. It's all first message. This is for even online match anything. Facebook, what do you recommend the first message to say? I think that you need to look into their pictures and see if they offer more than that one picture. If you think that that initial head shot is cute, look into their other ones

because they'll have like two or three others. And say something specific or like where were you in this picture that looks cool? Like, oh, I recognize that background was this so-and-so beach, just some sort of question that shows that you actually are talking to them specifically as opposed to just like a... Nice pick. ...copy-p paste thing that you're doing to like 20 girls. Is that what guys do? Oh yeah. So you get these messages. I mean, I know that he has sent this to every single girl in Okipit.

Like what? Like what you get? Give me an example. Like you could just tell. Guys, we know your day. We know your jam. Okay. Like you know, like you have such beautiful eyes and such a nice smile.

I'd love to get to know you. It's like that's so vague. Right. Exactly. I always tell guys to be specific. Don't just say she's nice eyes. Like I would say like I have this dark circle around my Like this brown. I'm like like I love one guy's like, God your eyes are so cool. You've the coolest ring like notice Yeah, like around your eyes and it makes me melt and like oh, you're noticing me, you know, you notice something. It's not just like You know, yeah, you look prettier whatever. So the first message is the thing. It's almost overwhelming too, for the girl to be the recipient of the compliment when it's a really specific thing. Right. Because then it's like, it shows that they care, but it's not like, oh, you're beautiful and you're the answer to my

everything. Exactly. You are overwhelming. Right. I know. It's like, hey, you have nice dark hair. I'm like, exactly. I know. Right. Right. Right. What? So, so dating, hey, you have nice dark hair. Exactly. I know. So dating, so have you dated online and other sites or anything? I do. Okay, Kupin. Any other tips for that, or that you've written about, or like the trends, without my dating? I think that with that, let's say, I think it really does come down to the message and don't make it too long.

It's like usually they say that about a paragraph is the best and just really be specific and look for something that actually makes that person unique as opposed to something that just applies to everyone. So pick something out, ask a question, say like, hey, I, you know, I like that picture of you at a radio head concert. I like radio head too, or just pick something out of their profile that they say that they like and just talk about that. Right.

Because obviously everybody knows what you're on therefore. It's like, let's just back up for a second and remember that you're on an online dating site to go on dates. Right. And get to the date first. And don't like message back and forth. Right. Don't do it.

We start with the premature escalation. Don't do it too many times beforehand. Like if you make a date in two weeks, like maybe you can text to confirm. Oh, we talked about this too. Yeah. For your near post piece, like we could text confirm, maybe, and text wants a choice, but not a whole like, so where'd you grow up? Right, it's stupid.

And if you don't try to be smoother anything on it, it's like, remember the fact that you're on an online dating site, so are they. Why did you sign up for it to go on dates? So just go on though. Are you looking for a relationship exactly? It's called a freaking date. I mean, it's so much. It's things I love dating.

And so I haven't online dated yet really, but I did do a few tips. I actually had a live Tinder date in the studio. Did I tell you that? You did tell me that that's amazing. And so it was fun. And Anderson, I was just listening to it the live Tinder date because I've never listened to my shows.

But I listened to that show because I have to pick out a few podcasts for something and it's pretty damn funny. I think he liked, I think that he and I hit it off more than you and he hit it off And then I ever listen to it. I he messaged me on Facebook this morning Oh, that's a sign you guys got a baby. I thought that no, we're not gonna face the class as opposed to text That's an interesting. We're friends on Facebook. Okay, but that's why but we're not like really texting friends because I wasn't until I don't want to kiss Okay, so that happens is public people can hear this What I don't know listening what no, no, I mean we just never texted at the date I like that dude. I know you really like it

Definitely Anderson just to play devil's advocate. He would know that she didn't want to kiss him because she didn't Talking about how he liked the dark circle in your eye and he wasn't going on enough. No, we didn't. All right, let's just be real. You can tell when people like each other. Right? But sometimes it's not that.

I feel like I know, but I have this habit that I don't know what to say to have it. But what I do is I can talk myself in to, whereas men decide in 30 seconds, I'm going to sleep with or not, but women, do you ever do this? I like them, I don't know, I give them a second, third chance, then two years ago, by,

and I'm like, I don't know, that used to be a pattern that would last two years. Now I'm pretty good after a few months, but we can women kind of rationalize or think, or maybe, or a lot of them want to change a guy, you know? Yeah, can't do that. No one's gonna change unless they want to change. So you are single, actively single New York dating.

I actively think so, yeah. Tell me about a New York dating life. All right, well, I think that it's really hard and a lot of it is that the guys are just so ambitious and it's really hard to date them because they don't have a lot of time and most of them put work first. They do before you.

See, this is right. We had lunch and you said that I said, well, maybe it's the guys that you're attracted to. Because not. It's true. You're attracted to the guys you were driven, but then you have to look at that. Like, you're the common denominator and it's not like every guy in New York, it's like that. I know. But that's what you're attracted to is the eye of a vision. But yeah. It's not like every guy in New York, it's like that. But that's what they're attracted to is the eye of ambition. But yeah, it's true. More so than here, when everyone's like in coffee shops and they're like actors, slash leaders, right?

It's everyone. Like there's no one that is working. It's true though with you, and I mean, because I've met like literally hundreds of people in here, and I think you're the first person to say, so tell me exactly what it is that you do here. You know, you try and figure out what people do. Yeah.

Oh, I've got the Anderson. You said the Anderson is at the reporter in you. I am a reporter. But I know, I don't know. You know what they were asked me. No one's ever asked me what I do. I don't even know what you do. I do everything. You work support. I mean, you were walking around. You were a person in the room where I was and I wanted to get to know you. It was nice. I like it. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. It's awesome. So New York is challenging for that for the men. But I know but New York is more so than then elsewhere. I know it because people, it's

at the rat race. Like you're always you're working trying to make money. You got to make a lot of money to live there. And do you feel like there's that whole bigger, better deal thing going on too? Or just more that people like like they're looking over their shoulder that there could be someone else? Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. It's both. It's like first it's the ambition curse which is what I've called it which is that everybody wants somebody who's ambitious but then the very quality that you're attracted to is the very one that makes you not able to hang out. Yeah. So there's that and then also there's the fact that yeah of course everybody knows that everyone is on so many sites. And also meeting people in real life.

That's the whole thing. Exactly. It's like you're out of bars and you're meeting people, you're on Tinder. But the weird thing is it's also casual. And it's like when you're on all the sites and all the apps, like I'm on all of them. What do I have to say for it? It's like I've been sitting here for an hour. Have I told even remotely any sort of cool thing that's happened from being on all these sites?

I guess not. Well, I've had any relationships or anything happen. I've had little blinks here and there that have been fun, but definitely all of the people who I've really seriously dated haven't been from online. It's like, I think it's more of a supplement to a lot of people. And I know that a lot of people have found relationships on them too, which again, it's like when you try to generalize these things, it's just all so individual. And of course, some people have met their boyfriend's and girlfriend, that's good for them. But also, I think a lot of people are my shoes, which is that it's this supplemental thing that you do sometimes You don't really have a rhyme or reason to when you do it how you do it And I think but I think people are meeting the thing

It's you think it's a problem that people are meeting that there's so many more opportunities now Because like I can't tell you how many we actually were gonna get in some emails And it's like I wanted you to help answer some emails from less or but it's but it's it is that So many people are saying like oh I my boyfriend left his Facebook page open and I noticed that he's been messaging his ex and there's all this like ex why you friend with your ex why did you do this or that like there's all this like secretive stuff going on that people are doing online where they think they can't get caught and a lot of it is

Facebook they say Facebook is responsible for like a certain percentage of divorces and stuff like that because your asked you can think I think I'm friends with all my acts is from the last since college on my website, you know, like, yes Yeah, it's like it's kind of weird to defend them. It almost shows more about you than you care so much Like you know, do you find an X seem not like I'm so friends with X but now I'm like he's got this key girlfriend and like every day I see and my my sister Laura's like, huh can you just look and do you wish I could be here and she took them off my feed? I'm like, but I kind of liked it

in this really like, massacistic way. Even though I didn't like him and I broke up, I was like, but I like seeing their photos, but I don't, it makes you feel good and bad. And have you read the studies that people who spend more time on Facebook end up feeling more depressed? Oh yeah.

There's all these things about that too. Because I mean, that comes down to comparison. Because it gets back to what we are saying, like everybody's posting pictures of their best selves, which you have to just really rely on everyone to understand that that's happening. And hopefully everyone gets that. But then of course, when you're looking at somebody's best self life, then you automatically compare your life to theirs and it doesn't look as glamorous.

Exactly. And so they're for your depressed. They get depressed the more they get depressed, the more time that they spend online, they were like all these stats in their relationships are worse because it's bringing about these issues because they're checking their partner and why do you like this girl's photo.

I mean, my best friend, like my ex-photo-photosian is again. I thought that I'm like, why did you like the photo of him and his new girlfriend and my best friend? Like I wasn't really mad, it was kind of a joke because she's truly is like my sister. I'm like, really?

Yeah, because I got it. I it for two years and you like it But you have to like the picture with a new girlfriend You know like we all know what everyone's doing to it anytime. I know and that gets back to it's like yeah, man That like is real. Yeah, that's not just something because when people try to have that as an excuse like Oh, whatever. That's just Facebook. No, it's not you made a decision Yeah, that is a conscious like and it does matter. It hurt me. It hurt me. Okay, let's answer. I love everyone. Thank you for emailing me at feedback at sex at MedecA. Oh my God. We're like flying through this. But I thought you could help me with this with this one. It's about snooping and

again, you can email me. It also on Twitter, I wanted to mention this. It's at sex with Emily and then Instagram. I'm doing a lot more Instagrams. It's at sex with Emily and then Instagram. I'm doing a lot more Instagrams. It's at sex with Emily and Facebook.com, slash sex with Emily. I get your questions however you send them. So this one is about snooping. Dear Emily, Lindsay here from Los Angeles. Love your show and following your tips

has truly helped me have the best sex in my life. I've done something that I know is wrong, but I also know many people still do it anyways, snooping. Reading my boyfriend's emails and texts. I was hurt so bad in my last relationship that I look at this as an insurance policy. It's my pleasant surprise. Everything is pretty clean. However, I've discovered a couple small lies.

One evening, he said he'd go right home from work with his friend Mike, turns out, was a female coworker I've never met. There's also been some flirty emails with past lovers that don't lead to anything, but he never just stops it with, hey, I've got a girlfriend now. I obviously can't bring up the snooping, and he hasn't broken the rules technically, but this doesn't make me feel very secure. What are your thoughts? Love Lindsay.

Wow. Now, I feel like that, I get these, you know, we get them in love line, we get them, I show people are always, people snoop and they feel bad, but I feel like every time you snoop, you're probably going to find something. And have you ever snooped? I actually haven't, which is, I know. Like, you actively were like, I could look, but I'm not until? Yeah, very much so, because I know that my brain would just go to bad places

Right, and so I preemptively don't but I totally I have a lot of friends who have and I've also written stories about it too So I had so I would suggest I mean, so I want to know Lindsay I want to know for her like what what led her to snoop in the first place because you said he's a great boyfriend everything is great and Has he ever given you any reason to doubt him in the past. And then study say 77% and this isn't the pride of me. 76% of women would look at their partner's email if it were left open. Survey says 69% of men said they'd do the same thing.

So it looks like, but you don't. So you're in that minority. Right, but that's because I'm kind of weird about that though. Now we look at that though, because she said she feels it's true. It's a violation. Yeah, and I think that's also that comes from just working in Cosmo for so long and kind of having all of that That brain. It's like you have the brain too. You know, it's like you know where these things can go And so I just choose to not but I totally totally understand everybody who does Her situation is hard though because I think that that's actually,

like I think that it really comes down to what you find when you snoop, because if you find that he's cheating, full on, right. Then, hello, bring it up. A board mission. A board mission, exactly. But if it's just like little things like that,

that's a really tricky situation, especially the ride home from the female coworker, who he doesn't know. Why didn't he just say, right? If she had just said, I wonder if Lindsey's a jealous person, tricky situation, especially the ride home from the female co-worker who you don't even say. Why don't you just say it? Why don't you just say it? I wonder if Lindsay is a jealous person, so he just thought, well, I'm just going to not tell her because I know she gets

weird about other women. Like, I wonder if Lindsay, she said here she was hurt in her last relationship, right? She said I was hurt in the past that she looks so she. So any, I believe like I was never a jealous person. And I'm not, I'm actually not, I'm actually still not, but I went through a period like in my 20s, I was dating guy and I found out he cheated on me at the time.

It's because he kept a list of everyone that he slept with and a drawer and I saw the list and I wasn't the last name on the list. Like that's like so old school. It was like written down, but I still found it. And then after that, I started like doubting him and doubting people and I let that go. I'm actually a pretty trusting person. But so she was her last relationship,

so it's a trigger and she wanted just as an insurance policy. So I kind of get that. It's really hard to build trust again in men or in women if you've been hurt. But I think that she can't let her past relationship dictate this new one. And, but the problem is if she sits on it

and doesn't tell him, which I guess why she, she doesn't want to, because then she's a snooper She could explode and attack them one day like you hold this as an arsenal Yeah, like the next time you take out the trash, you're like why you get a ride from your coworker, you know So you know I think that you I don't know should she I think she should maybe admit it That she snooped and say what she found and she won't do it again, but they, but then people don't tell the truth either. Guys don't tell it. She was gonna be like, you might say, well, I thought you would get hurt. Yeah, I don't know. I, on that one, my gut is to not bring it up and to just keep that in her mind and maybe just let him know going forward that she's

Kind of trying to get over her past relationship and that she's becoming less jealous because if it is that If the situation was that he was saying that to protect her if he doesn't feel like he needs to protect her as much like right She is seeming more outwardly Strong and you know not needing that like maybe it will be better with that. That's what he's putting with the X's. But see, I always put my X from five, 10 years ago, I don't want to sleep with them, but he said, flirty text all the time, but I think flirty,

like it's just, it's phone. And if anyone picked up my phone that if I happen to be a relationship, they might be like, why are you doing that? But it doesn't mean anything either. Right. I just sort of have these relationships with men, we make jokes and I could see them taken out of context and I wouldn't want anyone reading my messages.

So yeah, maybe not Linda. Maybe maybe she's got to work on her own her own jealousy issues. And I wouldn't because the problem is too once you start checking, sometimes you keep checking too. Right. It's like stop checking for sure. It becomes an addiction. Yeah. And you're like, I got to check it again. I got to check it again. Is there anything else? Like I know that. So I would either. So the choice is Lindsay. either you stop, you don't snoop again, and you look at this relationship as it is in the moment. How it's going in present day. Is he treating you well? Is he good lover? How have we even gotten to sex? I know what? Oh, it's already

weird. I know. No. We have one minute. Oh my god. Yeah. We have like a minute. The only thing we got to was you checking your phone during or oh my god That's pretty funny. I know damn why don't we make a move for that and then call it a day with this x talk Okay, do it. What what should it be called? He didn't even care though. He's so nice. He's like, I got it. I get it babe. You got to get the newsletter out How about checkmate? Exactly. I literally did I'm like who would do that? He's not really my mate. He's my world sex mate. And he's my toy tester. Oh God, I don't think we have time for more things.

Annie, you're so awesome. And we do, we have five. Okay, should we do one more? Is there anything else that you, on your mind that you want to talk about? Or should I read another email? Was there anything like, you felt like wanting to get into? Or things you want to talk about that you're working on?

Like anything, I know the L piece. I can't wait to read it. You know, I can't wait to see how that's. She just told me about what you walked in. And the name of that is we'll have it on our site as well. Generation validation. So that can affect us.

That's going to be huge. It just got posted. It did. Well, I think two weeks ago. Okay. Yeah, it made the rounds. Yeah, I really, really liked that story. Okay, good.

I want to check it out for some. But anything else that you've noticed or that you're interested in that you're working on right now? I actually was. You're writing for everybody. Andy's amazing. You're just here being everywhere. She's blowing up. Oh man. She's blowing up. I mean, you're so successful at 30 that you have all that you can freelance and then you can do all this. I mean, just I'm impressed. So why why thank you?

I'm actually about to be 30. I think that that's my game changer decade. I'm still 29 and I feel like I'm using this year to just kind of float between things and just see what I'm doing. Which I really recommend to everyone by the way. I did. I did. Yeah. It's like because I feel like, you know, I did all of my 20s in a corporate job. And then was that it's Cosmo? Yeah. Cosmo. Yeah. I was going to ask you what you learned about like how that change your views of sex or what you learned about me started there And you were in your early 20s, so did you know

Not an interesting topic right I would that's was one of my I like 18 million questions I didn't get to but but did it change your views of sex or what you learned or it did of sex itself the act or just I had a personal life. Yeah, yeah, it um it it affected me in Yeah, it affected me in some good ways, but also some bad ways. And I think that the bad ways, I was the editor of this section called Manta Apology, which was basically, it was like all inside the mailbrain. I used to interview you for it all this time. Right, I loved it. I loved it.

I loved doing it so much, but I found that being the editor for it, I had to constantly be pitching ideas. So I kind of started analyzing guys more than I would normally do and I would become very nitpicky And I would see them do things and instead of just like letting it go is just something Like okay, so we did decode his Instagram and yeah, it was hilarious. And so it was like, if he posts mostly nature shots, then that means he is a chill boyfriend. And if he posts mostly selfies, you know, that means that he's somewhat narcissistic and all this stuff. So I found myself, it's like when I was dating people, I would look at their Instagrams and the full screen and I would analyze them and I would be like,

wait, would I normally do this if I weren't writing this out? Right, exactly. Is this an anti-brain or is this any cosmobrain? Like, what's happening right now? So it was, yeah, it's a fine line to do a kill. I agree, I do a kill. Yeah. I totally got it.

Yeah. So did you, okay, so what else is next? Are you working on anything else that you can talk about? Okay, so we can do whatever you want to make. I'm doing a porn story, which actually I really like to introduce. Oh, what if yeah, it's a porn for our keynotes. Oh, okay. A porn watching habits. Yeah, so it's actually based on this study that just came out and it was like two weeks

ago in the journal of, oh, God, like the some big journal. Psychology journal, whatever. college is one of those like science based good ones and it found that guys who watch a lot of porn are actually less turned on by sexual stimuli in real life which is yeah it's totally impacting the way men are relating

to women and they're more sexual dysfunction because of it. I think that we've talked with this before because I wrote a story about this at Cosmo a couple of years ago, but this is now a new updated study and it's just more info. I want to see it. Yeah. Talk how much longer you're in town.

I know. I know. I know. Can we go to a bar and just put on a random dude? Yeah, can we just go bar and do it or just Tinder the whole time? And I was like, there's another site that they would tell me about earlier. I know we got to wrap it up, but there was some site that they were telling us about. Grupper, have you heard this? Oh, yeah.

It's dates. We just kind of have a lot of people date today. Anyway, they're like, hey, well, at least in San Francisco, like nobody asks you out, talk about the difference between cities. Oh, yeah. Nobody approaches you in San Francisco. Like, you don't get asked out. Here, it's like, I'm walking to the whole food. Some guys like, hey, like, go to the scrap. And I like it. I mean, it's nicer, but in San Francisco, it's like, hey, bunch of my friends are meeting out. You write them in a, so that's what sounds like groupers. But it's kind of nice because there's buffers.

Yeah. It's like three people and three people who don't really know each other. But it's kind of like that table for six things. They either the dine, the things they used to do those dating sites that you all have lunch with like six people, but it, oh yeah. I don't know about, I mean, I don't know much

about groupers. Well, I do know, I, again, I feel like I keep saying this, but I did write a story about that at Cosmo about Grupper. And the big thing there is jealousy. And so because they don't match you up, it's like three girls go out with three guys, but they don't say which guys from which girl. So the girls, it's like they're all friends,

and they don't want to be competing with each other, but they totally are. So the girls are friends with the guys aren't, or the guys and the girls are all friends, and they may be. No, but they totally are. So the girls are friends, but the guys aren't, or the guys and the girls are all friends, and they may be. No, it's like normally it's the girls are friends, and they'll sign up for a three-pack, and the guys are friends, and they'll sign up for a three-pack. And so then it's like friends going out with friends, but usually it's like three dudes and three guys, or three three dudes and three girls. Right. So with, when you do it with your friends, it's like you don't

want to be competing for the Q1, or for the one that you obviously all like the same guy So it's just kind of that's the one. I mean ideally it would work out so that it's like these nice little even pairs but like let's be honest Whatever works out never works for you. Just try a little bit. I mean Annie daily. It's Annie M as in Masterbation starts Annie M. As in masturbation starts for a second. Oh, sorry. Daily, D.A.L.Y. on Twitter and on Instagram. And you can check out all of our great writing. She writes for everybody.

L. But thank you so much for having me by the line. This was so close. I know, really fun. We've been talking about this. We've been excited. Thank you, Anderson. And thank you, everyone, for listening to Sex with Emily.

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Hey, this is Jordan Harbinger, host of the Art of Charm Podcast, the number one dating and relationship advice podcast in iTunes. I'm Emily Morris, host of the Sex Charm Podcast, the number one dating and relationship advice podcast in iTunes. I'm Emily Morris, host of the Sex with Emily Podcast, the number one sex and relationship podcast on iTunes and it's sexwithemily.com. And this is just the tip. So what are some common mistakes that guys make during sex? I mean, we hear all the time, like guys make this, guys did that, I think one of the most common things is guys have no idea what women want

exactly. That is a great mistake. That's a great mistake. It's a great mistake. You're right on point that the guys assume that my last goal from one of this is she must want this. But as you mature sexually, you should never assume this. You should never make assumptions that every woman is the same. So what you're going to do is learn how to communicate with your partner and find out what she wants. You do not know what this woman wants. I'm telling you, first time you're sex third, you have no idea. You have no idea. Really no. There's not like a universal thing that every woman likes, except for maybe,

you know, diamonds or something. But that's what we're talking about sex. Okay. And what else? The thing is, number two is that you have all she needs, okay? Some women, I'm telling you, Jordan, they cannot have an orgasm with us in 3,000 RPMs. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration. But men think something is wrong with them if they need a vibrator and I tell all women and guys like, don't be intimidated by the vibrator. That's what you need to get off.

Bring the vibrator into the room. Have your own little threesome that with her and her vibrator. You know, it's a lot less work for the guy and a lot more pleasure for her. That makes sense. All right. Yeah, and you know, people can always go to goodvibes.com

and use coupon code Emilying at discount on a vibrator. Good to know, a little vibrator discount never hurts. And you know, a lot of guys think that women think just like we do. So they're like, kind of we think that sex feels the same for us as it does for you. Exactly. And that's a huge disconnect because when a man has sexual the woman, his penis goes into her body. Is that how that works? Yeah, I'm sorry. I just think the sex is one of one.

That's the stake number four. Exactly. But think about that. It's like off the charts and you just think guys are like, I can't imagine what that feels like. But they can't imagine that that feeling isn't the same way for her. But the inside of the vagina is less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. So deep thrusting into the vagina isn't necessarily great for women. It's the outer two-thirds of the vagina that are most sensitive. So you don't want to bang on that cervix? No, I mean, some, it feels good to look for a little bit, but you want to mix it up all the time. It does not feel the same way for women. And the clitoris. Here's because you're having sex, you've got to pay attention to the clitoris, whether she uses her hands, use your her your hands or a vibrator, but the

clitoris, most women need to clitoral orgasm before they can have any other kinds of orgasm. Good to know, and we'll continue some of these sex mistakes next week. If you guys want to learn more from the art of charm about dating, relationships, and even networking for business, visit us at theartofcharmpodcast.com or check us out on iTunes and follow me on Twitter at the Art of Charm. And check out the sectors of the M.A. Podcasts at sexoftheM.com and iTunes if you want to have the best sexier life that is, also follow me on Twitter at Sex with M.A.

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