Sex With Emily - Spring Cleaning Your Love Life

Episode Date: April 22, 2016

It’s spring, you know what thatmeans! Animals are mating, flowers are blooming and for some of us,it’s the season for relationship spring cleaning.Whether it means rethinking bad relationship habits or breakingup for good, everyone’s love life could use a little de-clutteringnow and then. So how do know if it’s time to go? Emily lists sometell-tale signs that your relationship is on the rocks, and givesadvice to help you figure out if your situation is worth saving.She also answers your emails on jealous partners, sex with your exand everyone’s favorite topic: squirting!If you’re stuck at a crossroadswith your significant other and can’t seem to make the leap intosinglehood, this podcast will be your comprehensive guide for thebig spring clean! Don’t miss it... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with the Emily and tonight's show, Spring Cleaning Your Relationship. How do know if it's time to break up? We'll be giving you some signs. Also, we'll be answering your emails, topics include what to do about a jealous partner. Should you have sex with your ex and everyone's favorite topic, squirting? All that and more. Thanks for listening.

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If you've listened to the show the last couple months, you've probably heard we talk about a unique product called the womanizer. A while back, the owners of the company asked if they could send me one to test out, which, of course, you know me, I agreed to it. I own and review a lot of toys, and I was fairly confident I've tried every category I've tried to hide around, but I was wrong. The womanizer was designed in Germany, and unlike anything else on the market, it indirectly stimulates the clitoris using suction. It's kind of like a sexy erythomometer.

It has a silicone cylinder on the face that you place over your clitoris, kind of like how a partner might use their mouth. And while it's on, you can vary the suction and move it around to create an amazingly intense experience. In fact, most women in their focus group achieve orgasm in one minute. That's right, a 60 second orgasm. You can just knock it out if you want. So I tried the womanizer.

And they weren't kidding. It's amazing. The suction is adjustable and you can position it to create so many different sensations. The womanizer is really in the category of its own and I suggest you check it out for yourself. Go to sexwithmwe.com and click on the womanizer banner for more information. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. From our information, go to sexwithemity.com. We got a brand new website. We launched last month and we're all loving it. So thank you for visiting the site. Every day we're posting new blog posts and videos and things that will help you have better sex and relationships because that's what I'm all about. And I want to remind you that it's so easy to subscribe to the podcast. We love when you do that. I do two shows a week. And then you easily get the podcast. They'll show up however you listen and your podcast app and they're there. And it helps

us too when you subscribe because we love you and thanks everyone for listening and for being here. And I'm here with Anderson. It's my darling Anderson. It's been a while. It's been a long time, man. I know. I did a little vacation. What are you doing? Why are you out there cheating? I know. I'm sorry. I'm not really cheating But I was with my mom on vacation. Was that fun? Yeah, you know what I got to say it was I have an edification since the early 2000s and It was really nice just to get away with my mom and to you know, I love my mom's superchal So she's not like like all over my show. She's on the show. She's in here. I like yeah You guys check out the show of my mom. That was a really popular show.

Did your stepdad go to? No. Girls we began. Girls we began. Oh, we went to Cabo and it was fun. I really just need to relax. And my mom has way more energy than I do. And she's like, let's go sighting.

Look, I'm like, nope, I'm just sitting by the pool. I would guess that it was the other way around. Knowing you, mm-hmm. Exactly. I would guess your mom being going, can I just please relax by the pool honey? And you're like, no, we have to go see this, we have to do that. We have to do that.

I heard there's a sex lecture. I said, no, no, no, no, no. I used to be like that. And I have to say that since I have an identification in so long, I really needed the distance and the perspective to just step back and reflect and do nothing. I'm like, no, I'm not going shopping, not doing this. And she was cool.

And then she chilled out, which was good for her. And I had a lot of break through. That takes experience. It's hard to do a good vacation because most of the time, if I go on vacation and I come back exhausted and you don't want to do that, you want to have a nice, you want to experience new stuff and see new stuff for sure, but you gotta find a balance

and you gotta come back relaxed. I get most every single vacation I go on, I come back and I'm like, work, I'm so tired though, from running around on my vacation. Yes, I did not run around and I was there. I was healthy, I meditated every day, I go on, I come back and I'm like, yeah, work, I'm so tired though, from running around on my vacation. Yeah, see, I did not run around and I was there. I was healthy, I meditated every day, I ran, I, you know, took care of myself. So hippy, hippy.

I'm a hippy, what can I say? And so that was fun. And then also I just want to mention that we've had some really good show. You guys, first of all, our show was, God, number six and I tuned, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows. We just posted out the five bedroom mistakes

you might be making. You might love that episode. And then what women really want in bed with the Lady Gang. So check out that podcast. That was fun too. And spring is spring. Spring is sprung. Do you have what happens in the spring, Anderson?

Yeah, flowers bloom and like little birdies hatch. And the embarrass come out of retirement or hibernation exactly Yeah, that's what happens and it's a time for renewal rebirth right cleaning out your closet. Mm-hmm. Did you do that kind of thing? No Okay, I was the old and with a new you know I am I live in California, and it's always like spring slash summer out here. That's true I don't really notice that seasons pass or come no It's it is true my mom mom's a mischievous. I'm so excited when I get home, I go by when her clothes and the basement, I can

print out my clothes. Yeah, you know, I have to do things like I have a number of calendars around my house so that something changes. You know, say, every time a new season officially comes on board, you know what I do? I got a new caller for Stan. He has four. He has four. I was going to ask you separate callers.

He's got a spring. This is. He has four. He has four. I was gonna ask you separate collars He's got a spring. This is ridiculous, but sure his spring collar. It's he's got a winter collar He's got a fall and and what's the other one? I almost bought him a collar in Mexico But I didn't know if you don't For winter I'm glad I didn't green is for spring. I will be offended if he didn't wear it Down is a dog check out my Instagram if you want to see pictures or my Facebook Yes, yeah, you know, it's funny though every time I get it so when you call lift Do you like Uber? Yeah, it's a little pig mustad when you got when you call lift for a ride

Do you know that you're it's connected to your Facebook right and the picture they see that pops up I get their card. It's and you know my Facebook Profiles me and Stanley. Oh, it is, I didn't know that. Yeah, so it's really funny because I'm always like, oh, there's like, oh, you have a cute dog. So every time we get a lift, I'm like, what kind of dog is that? And I'm like, it's not really my dog. Oh, you could of life.

I like. So I have a feeling I know where you're going. You're talking to them, maybe cleaning out the bad relationship in your life. It's exactly, we get rid of position, possessions, and maybe the people who aren't really serving you that well. Like, really?

Like, really? Yeah, they're not giving you oral sex. That's one of the points. Out. It's time to freshen everything up. Okay? That's what we're doing here in spring. And there's actually this book that's been crazy bestseller.

It says Japanese book about decluttering. It's about, it's a Japanese organization book. And it's, I can't have any of it. That's why I'm here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no find any of it. No, no, it's better than that because I ironically most people who bought that book it's probably part of that clutter now. No, here's the book is actually clutter. What do you don't know about me? That's true irony right there. Can I tell you what? What? Can I tell you I'm looking it up? Yeah, you're talking. You have a hard time doing two things

the one. So, uh. Okay, it's called it's Marie Kondo wrote a book about Jack. The life changing magic of tidying up sounds silly. There's a million books in organizing. But this book, so I'm obsessed with organizing. I don't think you know this about me because I'm actually not organized. Have you noticed? Yes, I have this dream. Like I. Like when I want to relax and chill out or I feel like I need to like, de-stress, I like stand and target. And I'm like, oh, if I could just buy that,

those organizers for my files, then everything will be okay. But then you just walk right by the aisle. No, I buy tons of organizers. And then they become clutter. Clutter. Yeah, you should be in the ironing. You see the irony? Dude, there's so much irony in my life.

But anyway, this is their trick in the book, which is why it actually works because I got, I actually read the book. And her thing is she wants you to separate everything into piles like these are my t-shirts, these are all my clothes, these are all my books, and then you have to hold everything in your hand for a second and say, does this bring me joy?

And if it doesn't, you toss it. What if it brings you joy right in that moment because you forgot you even had it. No. Because I have this issue, my life's always on my back. No, we're all rationalized and stuff. But if you really think about it, you're like, oh, it's kind of broken or like my dad gave it to me as a gift.

So I gotta say that. But you know what? You got to think, thank you for choosing a gift at that moment to make you happy. They don't care if you hang on to the t-shirt from Florida. Yeah, I got like a guilt thing going on. Like my mom used to pack my lunch when I was in grade school. And I didn't like the American cheese, but I'd eat it

because I picture her put it on my sandwich and I feel bad that you want through the effort you know what I mean so I eat it anyway yeah yeah kind of thing so it's getting rid of stuff so you know we all go through phases and relationships and couples experience like up and down up and down but there is a point in a relationship where you have to ask yourself some questions and if you've been kind of, I'm not sure if this is working for me. We've been fighting for a while. I'm not sure this is the person.

I'm going to give you some things to think about. We're going to walk this through here. You know, it's in okay? Okay, real quick. I'm going to tell you this. Here's my tip. If you're holding her from behind and having doggy style sex with her at that moment is not the right moment to ask, does this bring me joy?

If you're trying to figure out, to get rid of it. I'm not saying it's the same thing with the partner. I'm just talking about my decluttering fascination. I do like that tip though, because I got a baby on the way and I'm turning my spare bedroom, which is kind of my de facto bedroom where I sleep when I'm drinking a one night

which is often, which is every night. So that's now becoming the nursery, huge life change and I got to throw everything that's in there away. This will be so good for you. But do you know you joked about Feng Shui? But there's a lot to be said for clearing your space. And here's a funny thing.

So I was talking to this book, I was talking about this book to my friend, and she was saying that, you know, and I've read a lot of these different things. And they're like, you know, if you want to find a partner, you have to make a room like if you're single, which you are not single, but make room in your home so you can welcome that person in, like have two night stands with two lamps

and make sure there's space. And I thought about it. And so I live in a very tiny cottage. And one of the problems with my bedroom is that you actually can't, I have no closet, so it's all hanging right. You can't actually get to the other side of the bed and my ex, who I broke up with a few months ago,

he was like, I can't, it was so hard for him to get into my room when he didn't like saving there. Not because of that, but he liked my house, but it was like that and I'm like, oh my God, I was not welcoming you into my home. And you might be going as consciously too. Maybe, I was like, I don't want you in my bed. But anyway, that's just a whole nother story,

but here's some signs that it might be time to let go. And again, you guys, let me just say something. This is not a Cosmo survey. It's a cosmopolitan. You're not gonna like, check, check, check, break up. I have no formula here, but these are just, I want you to start thinking about these things. Or this is the list come from.

My brain. Your brain, yeah, from the mind event, let's do this. I'm excited now. Yeah, okay, ready? Number one, if there's abuse, whether it's emotional or physical, that's obvious. Come on. What? That little abuse here and there?

No, no, no, no. It can often be hard for them to even recognize we hear it every night on Love Line, my show. You often don't know if you're in a unhealthy situation because obviously you're in a like, I like to be abused. And so, you know, this feels really, really good. And this is a deal breaker, but again, when you're're in it you don't know that you're that cycle of abuse. You're absolutely right. I've talked to a number of girls in my life and it's it's shocking how many of them will say without you know even the without any kind of a vein of of irony or

anything that about how they are abused in the relationship and but they don't speak about it as though it's abuse. Again then he starts calling me fat and he's yelling at me and it's like they're bitching about it but then I realize this. Again, then you start calling me fat and you gel and I mean it's like they're bitching about it But then I realized this is harder abuse and that's why you need to go right and that's why you need to be able to have friends People you trust in our fuck out. So here's a cycle of abuse. Do you know the cycle of abuse and if you want to Google this There's a great It's you know, I learned this in the psychology, but there is a cycle There's like you know if you Google it go to Google images. You'll see, but it's, it's number one, the tensions build.

So, you know, tensions increase. There's a breakdown of communication. You feel like the victim, fearful, that kind of thing. It's building on eggshells. Exactly. Then there's an incident, something that happened. Verbaly, they assault you or emotionally or physically, anger. Then there's the reconciliation you make up.

It feels really good. You feel like you're getting closer. There's apologies. You give excuses. You deny that it even happened. And then there's a comb after that. And you think, oh, you know, this is the fourth stage of it. It's forgotten.

There really was no abuse. And you get in that honeymoon phase. You're like, wow, we're healing, we're moving. And then the tension starts moving. So it's a loop. Tensions build, incident reconciliation, comb. Can I just what what do you say to this? They're every good healthy relationship does have a cycle where fights do come. If you show me a couple that never gets any fights for years, that's an

unhealthy couple that don't really pay attention to each other. But it is separate lives. But I'm talking about abuse of tensions. Yes, physical. I'm talking about verbal abuse and we're gonna label we're We're going to let you know here some signs that you are. Don't worry. We're getting into this. So if you notice this cycle might be time to and the relationship. It's never good. And let me tell you also, if you are an abusive relationship and you get out of one, that's a great time to learn from the relationship and to do some work on yourself. Because you keep repeating the cycle. Yeah. Number two, the fighting gets mean and it starts happening more frequently.

So like you just said Anderson, couples, they fight. If you never fight, oh, we're so happy. That's also a lot of. You're going to have disagreements. But we're talking about it gets mean. Yeah. And that's the thing. Well, it gets mean.

It gets mean. That's the thing. Yeah. And happening is more, it happens more and more. Now, John Gottman, he's one of my favorite researchers. Have you heard of the Gottman? Gottman. Gottman Institute. So Gottman, he did these amazing studies and he did these studies over years and years and he watched couples and he was able to identify predictors of either a failed or terminally happy, unhappy relationship. He studied couples over a few years period, and now it gets a point where he could look at him

for five minutes, and he can tell if a few things happen that it's not gonna last. So let me tell you what these are. I would think that some of these couples had issues because I really don't like that there's a dude named Dr. Gottman over my shoulder constantly watching us. Well, no, exactly, that was not a problem.

No, but I'm telling you, you're gonna hear these, and you're gonna know it actually, it's called the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Do you want to let this go? Tell me more. Okay. Number one, criticism versus complaints. So a complaint, specific situation, right?

Like your partner failed, you know, you in some way, and you're like, hey, you know, you know, it kind of attacks their, that's criticism, and then there's complaints. So let me, complaints are okay. Yeah, let me tell you the difference. Okay, right, okay know, you know, it kind of attacks their, so that's criticism and then there's complaints. So let me, complaints are okay. Okay, right, here's a complaint. Anderson, you know, we're married. Okay.

God, there's no gas in the car again. I'm really aggravated and you said you would. And then they're really disappointed. So that's a complaint. Here's a criticism. You never remember anything, Anderson. I told you to fill up the gas. You can't be counted on and you're a loser and everything you do is like, I'm never trusting

you again. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're attacking my moral fiber. Exactly. So that's, so couples who are more critical than they are complaining is a problem. So critical is that you're, you're, you're the first one. And it's, you're attacking who they are rather to what they did.

Exactly. A complaint is about what they did. Specific. You're like, you don't make it into this global. You always forget things. You're like, you know what? This one incident you said you felt the gas. I was late for work. Yeah. That bum me out. Right. Number two, under the four signs that you relationship is probably don't contempt. This is a huge one. Contempt. Now, what you want contempt is it's when your behaviors, it communicates disgust.

It's like, yeah, just stand there. It's not like, it's like, it's includes things like criticism, sneering, sarcasm, like, name calling, like, you're an asshole, like, you roll your eyes, you mock them, you make fun of them. That's contempt. And it's hostile. Okay. That's the way you treat someone you really don't like. Distain, yeah, you're rolling your eyes. It's disrespectful. It's beyond resentment.

Exactly. It's disrespect. Then you think, This is like how I treat co-workers that I have to work with, but I don't want to like have a relationship with them, but I have to interact with them, but I hate them. Right, it's contempt. And I think we're also gonna put this on the website

because I'm gonna give you a audition out of a lot here, but this is all like I believe that Gottman is probably one of the greatest researchers on relationships, so I'm glad we're talking about this. Okay, so then there's defensiveness. This is just like the problem. It's not me. It's you. We all know what being defensive is, but this is like your partner is always defensive.

They never take responsibility for their own behavior and they pointed to something you did and they complained about you You're like listen on you. I'm really upset you said that there was you know You were gonna bring them dinner night and I'm wearing a hungry. They're like well, you never do this and you know They never could take it in they can never take feedback They always put it right back at you can I just say to the about that? Em a lot of people that's like a personality disorder and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life A lot of people, that's like a personality disorder and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life. Right?

You know what I mean? There are those people that are going to be defensive, whether they're like married to you or they're child or you work with them. But that's really, really difficult. It's awful, yeah. Yeah. You never get it because you understand this is when the breakdown, I always say that you got to communicate. And this is when I'm not saying again, you can end it. These are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know what? My partner is displaying some of these and this is when you go to therapy again, you can end it. These are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know what,

my partner is displaying some of these. And this is when you go to therapy. And you say, you know what, these are the issues. And then oftentimes when couples therapy works, that's when you learn the tools to, they give you tools actually in therapy. And then you go home when you practice,

you're like, you know, when you say this in that tone, it really sets me in, then you learn in therapy, that you have a sign. That was that tone again, and you learn to kind of change your behavior. Some couples are not able to reconcile that. And then also the frequency of fighting, the fighting, like I said, the beginning,

more and more fighting. You can't agree on the smallest, smallest things. That's beyond repair. Beyond repair, that point, right? Beyond repair. Okay, number three, now this is number three of the big signs that was just part of our two. There's no trust.

Any foundation or IOTA you had of trust, it's just completely gone. Maybe someone cheated. You know, it could be from a past relationships too. It could be childhood trauma. You're always accusing your partner of cheating. And you just cannot build the trust. And it doesn't matter. There's insecurity, there's jealousy.

And this, as you know, if you've been in a relationship about this, both parties will suffer. The problem with trust is people think that, well, I can't reassure my partner, I keep telling him, you know, I'm not cheating or if I cheated once, you know, I won't do it again. That's another case where most, in most scenarios, couples on their own cannot rebuild trust without

the help of a third party. And that is a therapist because there's so much broken down and it already. And the problem is if there is an indiscretion, like let's say that gets founded on, you know, someone did cheat, for example, often as a person who the cheater, doesn't want to talk about it. Like, it's done, it's over, let's move on. It's shameful. And the problem is, is that the person who was cheated on, they need closure. They need to hear, sometimes they need to hear every detail and you need to be patient

with them. And whatever case may be, these couples can't get past it. When the relationship's been damaged, that bad. It's like the equivalent of having a broken leg that you need to go to the doctor and get it reset. You need to go to a therapist and get your relationship. Reset if it has any hopes of ever being healthy again. Now early on, when this happens,

if you notice it in your in a relationship where, you know, there's a lot of us. I've been in relationships for like two weeks where we hit all these milestones. Right? And how they go. Sex is awesome, but then, everything else is so. And you don you know, when we hear from people,

like, my partner's really jealous, is that working out? Guess what? That's not going to go away. And it's probably doesn't have anything to do with you. And the jealous partners are usually cheating. That's why they're jealous. Well, that's interesting.

That's true. A lot of times, your partner could be projecting. Yeah. Or it could be coming from their father cheated on their mother. A lot of the time too, like the dudes, like they look at their hot wife and they think, hey, if I was her and if I was that attractive, I would be banging everybody, she must be too. Exactly. I saw that first angel with my dad. Yeah. It was a good time. He cheated on your mom. Yeah, but he was always accused in her and she was innocent.

Completely innocent. Classic. Yeah. It's either that or they came from a Buse of whatever cheat of cheating parent Um, and early on if you catch this you can work it through with therapy and try to rebuild it But sometimes point of return, you know, if you've given it your best You're not going to be able to rebuild the trust game over and sometimes it's not worth it unless you got that kid So, you know or it's the first time you've ever been able to find somebody that you could work with Exactly, but a lot of times it's just like get out get out Yeah, cuz you're not if you're not working on the trust. It's not just gonna magically go away, right? Okay, number four. There's no sex in the relationship

But that we don't know sex waxes and wanes and relationships. So that's the floor. Eves and flows waxes and wanes But this is when you've tried the QVax youHABIN effort. You've tried to talk about it, you tried to work on it, and it just dies out. And this is not about sex drive and libido, and you just said kids, sometimes you just don't want to sex their partner anymore. You become a roommate. Yep, you become roommates. You're not interested. You find that you're really attracted to other people. You're making it. Lots of excuses not to get in with your partner. And like I've always said, if you're just, if you're not having sex with your partner, it's gone too long.

You are roommates. And you're not lovers. Right. Okay. But you're comfortable and you can't imagine your world without that person. Which is why it's tough. Which is why it's tough. Right.

A lot of time. You're, people are only changed. And you're going to have to make a massive change and have a different living space and have a different roommate or maybe no roommate and that's scary. But you only have one life as far as we know. Exactly. Can't be wasting it. And I've told a story actually, I have a friend years ago, a few years ago, she's older than me, but she was married.

When I started my show, of course, I talk about sex with everybody and she was like, you know what, they've been together like 15 years of the time, a woman I work with, she's, Emily, I don't care about sex. He's a great dad. We got two kids. I've had enough sex in my life. She thinks she was like 40 at the time. She's like, I've had enough sex. And I thought to myself, something's messed up here.

You've not had enough sex. And now, third divorce turns out there was an affair. And if you find yourself rationalizing away, she, she did. She had enough sex with him. Well, right, exactly. So what I'm saying is if you're rationalizing the fact that you know what, we're best friends, it's great.

I could see, I could see that, though, especially when you get once you've got kids and you're older, 40s might be a little bit young, but if you're like 50 or 16, you're doing that. Twilight year, you know what I mean? That's, yeah, you make your own decisions. We would go on cruise, that's your other. But I'm saying, you know, you're, yeah, you still want to be, but it's not working. I'm finally, and you don't see

a future together, because here's the thing. But have you been with someone where they're just like planning trips without you or you closureize and think, God, I can't, I wouldn't want to be my parents or I can't, kids with this person. Yeah, I've been in relationships that lasted like six months after this thought went into my head, Emily're going we're both hungry. We're gonna go get something to eat and I'm like that's like a 10 minute drive to that restaurant I don't want to sit in the car. I was just bursting for 10 minutes Okay, the restaurant and I was with that person for six months after the future dinner with them I don't see the future drive the drive seems like I just Mind bogglingly numb exactly

so I Yeah, that's a feature. Also, if you feel like you're planning your summer vacation, but you're not thinking of them, you're, and also your future plans don't line up. Like, you know, you know that you want to settle down in the suburbs with five kids, and your partner's like, can't wait just once live in the city. Like these are all important things. People change, though.

People change. Well, you know what? But you're right. If you're with someone for a while, I'm not say again, you guys, I am not like, I'm not like, it's something that's happened. Like, I'm not taking sex with Emily. I'm going to do a little disclaimer here. I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship ending.

It was wrong. We will not pay for your therapy. I'm just telling you, these are some things that might get the wheels turning around. Let me ask you this, Em. You personally, have you ever been in a relationship for exactly your monogamous Your your serial monogamous there for a while. Yeah Were you ever in a relationship that you felt like it was really bad and you're you knew inside you're done with it But you didn't want to give up on it because you'd already been in it so long Yeah, a lot of reasons. I think that there was comfort

I used to joke that I I spent it was actually true But it's been a while now that I used to spend half my relationships trying to get out of them. But no, I get like, you actually look, well, I've already, I've been with him for two years now. I don't want to throw that away. No, I never thought that. Okay, because I hear that a lot for, especially from the ladies and it's, it's really not the swiast way to go about. No, because right.

It's like if you have had a bad stalk and you've been losing money for two years, you don't stick with it, you know. Exactly. You got to know when it's time to fold them. Yeah No, when hold up. Well, you've never done that okay good. No, I haven't done that okay So and here's some follow-up questions you guys because I don't really go that check check check first thing about this What are you afraid of if you end it? Freighted being long free the here's a thing. How do you will do this? I'll never gonna find anyone else? Yeah, right now might be the case Here's the other thing, how do you all do this? I'll never gonna find anyone else. Yeah.

Right? That might be the case for something that ever happened to me. No, I don't know. I don't think that's the case for people. I don't think it's the people. I don't think it's the people. Well, they're probably could use a lot of contempt.

They're all like a challenge. They're all like a reality show and then you find out they have kids and you're like, oh my God, they actually had sex with someone? Who would ever have sex with that? I'm sorry. That was mean.

That is mean. You might fear that no one's gonna love you, you're un unlovable. And then think about like, where are these fears coming from? How are they or using them just as an excuse set off or good enough? Sometimes we use these excuses. We're like, I'm just too, I don't want to do it. And I know a lot of people who are in relationships who eventually, and some say together forever and some eventually get divorced, but they just, they literally in their mind, they're like, I can't imagine being with as person because there will be no one else. But I'm telling you that, that's just a fear that is not true.

Especially if you want to find someone else. There's always someone around. There's always someone. Yeah. There's always somebody. Now, there's always somebody else at your level out there roaming the streets looking for somebody as well. Yeah, that is not right. That's just a fearful thought. The other thing is, am I in love with this person? Or am I in love with the person I wish they were? Do I think this person is going to change?

If they only change then blank. Once they stop drinking, once they lose weight, once they stop accusing me of beating me, whatever. That was morbid. But, you know, then it'll be great News flash people People do not change unless they want to change so do not ever date or marry on potential right, okay I think more often than not what I think that people get married and thinking that things are going to change right and people like to change People like projects like fix me ups. They like you ladies You did too as well. Oh, I did a lot. Yeah, but I'm kind of like a chick Also, that's what is is this relationship bringing out the best of me? So like when you're in a healthy relationship, you want to feel like this is your best self

Right, you know, you you make each other better you build each other up you like working towards the same goals Or they support your goals, but if you feel like your relationship is bringing you down and like your partner is like holding you back from things that are really, really important to you, you know, constant criticism and negativity, like how are you feeling in the relationship? You want to feel like your best self. And I have to say that I was in a relationship not too long ago, like in the last few years where I realized, and this doesn't usually get this something new for me, that I felt like God, that I had some insecurities coming up and things that I just felt like God, this person really isn't supporting me.

And I think they were a little jealous, and it was like, God, I'm actually feeling bad. I've never felt, and it's funny, because I've, these four best girlfriends from college. And they came out to visit me in San Francisco, and they were like, you know what I'm, and I've never seen you worry about this thing. Like you're worried about things that are not like you,

and I realized it was, I was allowing my partner to have this effect on me, and so I'm just really great if you people who know you and love you and trust you to actually listen to them. Right. And you know what I'm trying to do? It takes balls to like, because what if you ended up marrying that guy and like a lot of women

in your position or meant to would turn around and be like pissed at the friends for like seeing anything about it. Right, and I'm gonna tell you here's the other thing, I don't think that every friend knows the best, but you know who those people are, the who are your good friends. I hope you have.

I gotta keep you grounded. Exactly. Show you what's really happened. Exactly. And then finally, if you're given it your best, like have you really tried? Cause this can't be just like one thing happened in your out, but like you tried therapy, you tried talking about it,

and you know when you're done. Okay? So, you know, this is not gonna apply to everybody, and if there's kids, of course, there's more to consider, but I want you to, I want you to really think about these things. Happy spring time. Happy spring, woo! That's enough, okay?

But no, that's, we got that all the way. So I just, you know, throw out some old T-shirts and throw out some old relationships. Or stay with it, maybe this is refreshing. It's also the time of year that if you have a house cat, they're gonna be bringing in little baby birds because it's springtime. It's very upsetting.

Yeah, my backyard is just like a wild so far. Do you have a cat? Yeah, I have a cat. I have a house cat, but I let her outside. She goes outside, then she brings things in. She had an alligator, a lizard, and a mouth a couple days ago. An alligator? And she was meowing with it in her mouth.

Like looking at it, it's all proud. Did you just get your pictures? No, I just screamed, I'm kidding! a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a Okay people, the genius design team at Wevibe has done it again. The brand new Nova by Wevibe is quite simply a dual stimulation superstar. The Nova expertly pleasures your clitoris and g spot at the same time without missing a beat.

You might be thinking, that sounds a lot like my favorite rabbit vibe, but it's not. Unlike traditional rabbits that tend to lose contact when you slide the shaft outward, the Nova's external stimulator is extra long and curved, creating firm, flexible external pressure while you maneuver the G-spot stimulator. However, you like it. What this means is the external stimulator doesn't leave the clitoris, which is exactly what the majority of women need to achieve orgasm, extra clitorial stimulation. The Nova is easy to use controls that you cycle through its multiple vibration modes and even allows you to work the internal and external stimulation independently.

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Email time. Thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedback at sexwithmwe.com. I love hearing from you. Are there links on your site too about all the stuff that you decided there from God. Yeah, exactly. We're gonna post all this from Gottman, John Gottman. And I think this is gonna be really helpful

for you guys just to take a look at it because I know I just ran through a lot but I think it's really important for you to take a good consideration. And maybe none of these apply to you. If you are taking the time to go to the website and look it further, to take a look at your own relationship,

chances are there's a reason you're doing that right? Good chance. There's something there that's bugging you. I want to turn this advice, relationship advice, and I don't think this is for everybody, but they're like, you know, my friend kept saying, God, I just don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure if we should be together for like a year. And my friend turned her and said, if you don't know, you know. Kind of like the orgasm at it, right? Like, I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have one.

Exactly. You're right. I know. Okay, emails. So, I love when you include your name, where you're listening from, and how you listen in your age, in the email. Oh, and this email I really liked, because, you know, we answered a ton of sex questions on the show, but I also like answering, of course, we answered relationship as well.

So this was an interesting one that we hadn't gotten a while. Hey Emily, I'm a big fan of your podcast and iTunes and I'm a need for some third-party advice. I recently moved with my boyfriend of nearly six years. We live in San Francisco and just made the jump to the burps. We lived in San Francisco and just made the jump to the burps. We lived in San Francisco. We got a new apartment on very short notice, but I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment in the city, so I figured I'd take advantage and sleep in the old apartment to make it easier on myself. I'd

pulled the sheets off the bed in the morning, knowing that we'd be back in a few days to pack the remainder of his items and clean the place. We returned to the apartment a few days later and I immediately tossed the sheets in the wash, not thinking anything of it. My boyfriend, apparently, found this behavior highly suspicious because he's now accusing me of cheating. He's latched onto the fact that washing those damn sheets was the first thing I did when we got there.

I absolutely did not cheat on him. Trust has never been an issue for us, even though we're frequently apart. I suspect this is part of a bigger issue and he is second-guessing or moving in together. But how do you get someone to address the actual issue instead of throwing out hurtful accusations? Do you think he's inventing reasons to break up?

I'm really hurt by this and I was really excited to be taking these next steps in our relationship and I'd so appreciate your take on it. Thank you, Jessica, 31. Good luck, Emma. That's like nine different directions. You can go there. Here's the thing, Jessica.

I love this question again, because like I said, we don't get a lot of these issues, not lately. I don't know why. This one seems like interesting to me because there's a lot going on here. Okay, you've been together six years

and that's kind of a long time if this is your first blow up like out of the blue about trust and jealousy, right? Six years, things are good. And all of a sudden it's the sheets, right? Not a great sign, but there's two possibilities I've broken it down to, but of course, Anderson, I'm open to your feedback.

One, possibility. He is the one who's cheating, or thinking about cheating, like we talked about earlier, and he's projecting. And I'm sorry, but this is common. I hate to break the news to you. For one person who's actually up to no good, to kind of call out their partner because they're feeling guilty,

either for feelings that they have about cheating or they actually have cheated. I hope this is not the case. I really hope it's not the case just scub, but it's worth looking into. Option two, he's kind of freaking out about taking the next step. It's kind of like a little cold feet before they get married.

And he's creating drama to hide the bigger issue that he's fearful of moving in together. So that's what you said. You said I'm wondering if he's trying to moving in together. So, that's what you said. You said I'm wondering if he's trying to create an issue and I think that's what it is. And if that is the case, you can work through that together. It's totally normal to have fear, right? Interest him when you were getting, did you have Colfee? You still have Colfee?

That's okay. But wait, I mean, what's the... No, by the time I finally, I'm a bad example. Because by the time I finally, I was like homeless when my wife and I now wife and I finally moved in together. I was like rolling rock. I was just staying in a different place every night. Really? Didn't pay rent anywhere.

I was a, I was a, I was a nomad. It was, I loved that lifestyle. It was a fantastic lifestyle. By the time I actually moved in with her, it was like I knew the news. You were ready. Okay, but you had friends who were like getting ready to get married and they were like, oh God.

Absolutely. I get the cold feet. I can put myself in this guy's mindset. And also in fairness to him, that is kind of a weird move. If I had any doubts about, even though it's been six years, but if I had any doubts or I thought maybe she was cheating before this or I had any issues, and then I saw the sheet move, that is a weird move. Okay, that's an interesting guy perspective.

I could see that as well. But I don't think that I would, if I was in a healthy stable relationship and my partner like was like, I thought they were going back to clean everything up. Let's watch these sheets, but I can see what you're saying. My wife watches the sheets all the time, you know? I do too, like every three days. I don't even think twice about it. Usually it's because one of the dogs puked on it and I don't even think twice about it.

She sailing doesn't puk. Hey, just, we have three dogs in the back. One of them almost always pues. But, okay, that's a good point. So, you're right. So, that could be a point, but she's telling him that she's not. Okay, I believe that she's not.

So, regardless of the source or what happened, you've got to have the conversation. You know, you need to sit down, time you love them, you're excited that you're in this relationship, and then you're moving in together, but these accusations are hurtful, and they're actually untrue, and unless he's willing to work

with you, the accusations and mistrust is not going to get you anywhere. What about asking him like point blank too? Like are you doing this because you're freaking out about moving? Yeah, you know, ask him. Say, you know, I had a hunch and he was the other thing. You don't want to be accusatory. You want to be, babe, I've been thinking about this. Like, I'm just wondering, like, how are you feeling about us moving in together?

Is this, could this be bringing it up up? He can't just shut this down. He's got to be honest and willing to communicate. If he wants to say together, and he's like, I want to say together, but I can't quit getting my feelings out then. You might need to be great candidate for therapy, but if he just keeps resisting and resisting and there's these roadblocks,

you know what? You might know and put the sheets back on the bed. Best case scenario though, you guys work through this. I hope so. You end up getting married and when you're old and gray, you still have the little inside funny joke every time she watches the sheets. Yeah Anderson, that's so positive, that's so glass half full. I love it. Okay.

Hi Emily, I would love to get your thoughts and being sexually active with your spouse well separated. My wife and I have recently separated but have agreed to not see other people until we figure out if we want our marriage to continue. I feel that being- That's like the worst limbo ever. I feel that being actively intimate with each other will be fun as the day-to-day husband and wife thing. We've struggled with, won't be a factor.

Thanks, Thomas. What? There's some key. They're going from married to F- Okay, so here's my problem with this email. Oh, I want to know. That's what they're doing, right? Okay, so here's my problem with this email is it is oh? I want to know right yeah, yeah, here's a thing they're married. I don't know why they're separating They're taking a little break. Yeah, they're moving to separate apartments and he's excited because I'm assuming the sex is Wind and they've got issues that wow we can like date again and we can relive that honeymoon phase and won't that be great?

And he wants to know is that okay? That's half glass four right now Yeah, and she's promised that, I'm not going to see people and you know, is it a good idea? Well, here's the thing, as long as you guys are truly like working on the relationship while you're not together and you're not just like having sex and like falling in love again, the you fork, recall, remembering all the great things, I think that it's okay to have like physical intimacy.

Like I think that that's totally fine, How does your reconnect? And oftentimes when you do have space for a partner, not necessarily moving out, but you take a trip away from each other, that can build intimacy again. You can reconnect, you get the dissexual desire back, because you know, oftentimes when you... Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And distance and space could bring that excitement back. But however, if you're just having sex and enjoying that new honeymoon ride, that second swing at the honeymoon, but you're not working on any of those issues, and then you get back together because it's actually so good.

Same old thing. Same old thing. It's going to be a repetition of what you happen. It's a trap, okay? So we all crave the newness and it's just not sustainable over time in any relationship I'm here to tell you after two years or so in a relationship. It's biology You're gonna need to work on the sex, but just like I want to make this very very very very clear if I have not just like trauma

Issues do not go away unless you work on that. So treat it You got to treat them in therapy Clearly you guys have come to a stand so well you could not work on that. So treat it. You got to treat them in therapy. Clearly you guys have come to a stand so well you could not work on them. So just taking physical space and not taking that space of, you know, mentally and emotionally working on it, it's not going to heal it. Right. Okay, squirting. I thought that the squirting was going to end up being the the sheets one. You did. I thought she was going to be like, and that's why I had to watch them because I masturbated at that night without you. And I scored it all over my sheets. That's why I'm watching them. I could understand why you made that

connection. Yeah, I thought it was going to be two birds right there. Hamley, huge fan year, you and your podcast also when you're on love line. I listen to your podcast every morning trying to catch up. What is love line? Love line. It's a show that I do here on the radio. So my question is, how do I get my wife to be more into letting me use the magic wand on her to make her squirt? We've done it twice now. And the second time, she seemed more into it, but her biggest problem with it is she

thinks she's peeing when she orgasms. I've argued with her and show her articles that say it isn't urine, but she's dead set and thinking it's full blown urine. Thus not wanting me to use the wand to make her squirt and I love seeing her do it. Is there anything you can do to help us better understand what squirting really entails? Please help us because I know she really likes doing it, but she's afraid or embarrassed by it and thinks she's being. Thanks for the help and I love the show. Bob.

Okay, there has been so much focus on this squirting debate. It's like more than the presidential debate. It's so disgusting, but just have her eat some asparagus. It is not disgusting. Here's the thing. Is it pee? Is it not pee? It's a debate.

Listen, if it feels good to her and you've expressed so much turns, you aren't, you shouldn't be worrying about if it's pee or not because, you doesn't matter there's too much emphasis on this god damn fluid kind but let me tell you you want to know what is squirting let me break it down. Oh no you're gonna talk about the barifalance gland and all that. Oh no it's so unsexual it makes something so great so scientific. Small amounts of thick fluid sometimes are elicited, secreted during the female orgasm. It happens. And women who squirt, they're simply learned to release one set of muscles while contracting the bladder so they can release a little bit of urine during orgasm. So when you're having sex and you have stimulation, what happens is the female ejaculate gets mixed in with the

vaginal fluids and lubrication and semen and pre-ejected that are fluid and post-ejected, so it's a whole mess of things. And I don't know what they're called, it's a cocktail of sexual excretions. And there is significant proof that the origin of fluid is the bladder and there is some chemical composition that is urine. There's also the periorethal glands, ducts that also have some fluid in there that is not urine, okay? So bottom line, again, if she likes it and it feels good and you like it, what is the big free and deal if it's urine or not? But if she does not want to squirt

for whatever reason, you cannot pressure her and make her do it because she won't want to, she won't want to come around. No woman on this planet, like it's being pressured into a sexual act, and then it's gonna lead to other things, other issues, other problems. No woman. Sex is messy people, sex is messy, but it's also beautiful, so just get over it.

I hate this, but no, but I don't say that, but it also hears another thing. Like I would say, but it's also beautiful, so just get over it. I hate this debate. No, but I don't have to debate, and also here's another thing. Like I would say, squirting is a new anal, but I need a new fucking thing for squirting, because when I first started the show, anal was a new blowjob. But squirting with porn, people see it all the time, they wanted to do the burn of squirt. A lot of men do. So that's the thing. I'm getting the questions.

I'm answering it. I love you. Paging is the new squirting maybe when a man gets any money penetrate. Yeah, you love that so much. I see in your eye. I've never. Can I be honest? I'm going to be honest. We're not very sexually. What's that? You haven't really done much. I've never pegged a man. I've never worn a strap on a pegged a man. You haven't lived till you have.

And I always strap on. Every day is the waste of your life. I'm so busy. I have no time for packing. No time for begging. Put on my schedule. That's what you're time for. Oh, you know, we should have contacts where I listen to, you know, wins the get pegged by M. Get pegged by M. Not that that's right. You're not that short. But this is what I wanna say Anderson, you know how y'all write me feedback at sexletme.com. Super easy enough, you go to the Ask Emily page on our site.

You can easily just send it right through the site. You just go to Ask Emily, boom. Your email gets the right sensor inbox. Also, it's really helpful again when you subscribe, but also when you review us on iTunes, and you give us five stars. Oh, that's beautiful. Makes them feel good about herself.

No, yeah, but it also helps so I can keep doing the show. Right, my goals do the show. I'd love to do it every day. Yeah, I used to. I don't know why you want it. You kind of do it on your head, right? Every single day.

You always emmily. Take a note, doing things. It is my life, and I love it every 10 years. So what else I want to tell you all? Oh, I want to tell you that we're giving away some toys because of things going on and that you should, if you're not already, which shocks me, you should follow me on Instagram and Twitter

which is at Sex of the Emily, Snapchat, Sex of the Emily, and Facebook.com, slash Sex of the Emily, which is interesting. My Facebook page is going insane, people love it. So I love you there and I love you all. And I so appreciate you listening and supporting the show and supporting our sponsors. It's such a thing as facialbook.com.

This should probably be a porn site. Facial book. Would you like to start? Is that where you go? That would be pretty sweet. What's up with you, Aaron? And talking about your podcasts. This comes out with April 23rd at the World Famous Imp old famous improv were doing a show there the after the disaster tomorrow night

that's right and uh... cinematics this week we covered nixon and elvis here but this year yes the film that yeah it's with some stunt casting that step cabin space he playing uh... richard nixon president nixon and uh... michael shane one of my all-time favorite actors plane elvis and it's good. It's a good.

I talked about it, but you know what is good is the medler. I think you're really going to like the red. Susan Sarandon plays this old meddling mother from Jersey who's always up in her daughter's business, played by Rose Byrne and Rose Byrne's like a successful screenwriter who moves out to LA. Guess who else moves out to LA? Susan Sarandon, the medler, followers her daughter out here and is meddling with her life. Wow.

It's really good. You know what I love? It's really fun. You know what I love. It's really fun. It's amazing. That's week 16. That's week 16.

Is that it's so many people are like, what are watches? What movies do I see? And then just listen to your podcast. You cover like a couple, like two, three, sometimes four movies that are coming out that Friday. So these movies came out today and we talk about them on this week's. Check it out. Yeah. Okay, Anderson. Thank you so much. Thank you. And thanks everyone for

listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithaml.com. So, when was the last time an app changed your sex life? And now, I'm not talking about Tinder. I'm talking about my app, Kaggle Camp. It will increase your control, improve your sexual performance, and help you experience incredibly intense orgasms. Plus, if you've had a baby, Kaggle Camp is the answer to getting your vagina back in shape. You know what I'm talking about, ladies. After years of telling you about the importance of Kaggle exercises, the answer to getting your vagina back in shape. You know what I'm talking about, ladies.

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