Sex With Emily - Staycation Sex

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about how to have vacation sex… at home! Especially if upcoming travel had to be delayed, we still deserve those breaks. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. She gives you some ways to turn your home and bedroom into a quaint little vacation spot – including ideas to keep your kids preoccupied! Plus, advice on what to do when Facetime isn’t your thing, but you have no choice but to date from home, and how to deal with quarantine taking your sex life from all the time to once in awhile.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm talking about how to have vacation sex at home, especially if upcoming travel have to be delayed, we still deserve those breaks. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, waist to turn your home and bedroom into a quaint little vacation spot, including ideas to keep your kids preoccupied. So, you and your partner used to have sex all the time and then quarantine happened and then it changed. Well, what's the deal? What to do when FaceTime isn't really your thing but you still want to try and date from home?

All this and more things for listening. Eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, though? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm so, so, so, so.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You guys are websites chock full of things to help you have better sex and relationships, tons of blogs and posts and sex to information. And we're here for you during this strange time to help you do it, help you connect better,

love yourself, love your partner. Find me in all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. Intentions with Emily. Okay, for each show, please join me in setting an intention. It means like when you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? It could be, oh Emily, I love my kids. But being around them all the time is definitely putting a damper on my sex life. Help my intention for the show. Give you some creative ideas and give you workarounds you know. Hey if you had a canceled trip you're spring break planned you got kids at home I want you to keep your intimacy alive and well. All right guys enjoy the show.

Hi I'm Dr. Emily Morse you're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm here for you to help you have the sex and relationships you deserve. And I hope everyone's staying safe. And I want you all, especially in this time, to have the space and time to feel free to talk about sex without shame, without judgment. And even though I can't take your calls right now, I can still talk to you on Instagram and email me feedback at sexwithemely.com so I can answer all of your questions. So, okay, I want to talk about vacation sex because I know a lot of you first were planning going away and spring break. Maybe you had a trip planned and it's not happening. It's probably canceled, but sex is not canceled. Now also, vacation sex is amazing. We all love vacation sex, but I think just because you can't actually leave your home and go on the trip

We can still have some vacation sex at home and it can definitely help you get back into the groove with your partner and Help you out here because yeah, okay vacation sex to be awesome But right now I get it you guys a lot of you are at home the kids are there all the time. I know you guys That's it's not easy. I'm hearing from everybody, I get it. I don't have kids. I know you love your kids, but it definitely can get in the way of your sex life right now,

especially when there doesn't seem to be a break. There's no break inside. You're like, when am I going to have sex Emily when we are doing the dishes all the time? You're living in the kitchen, you haven't left the kitchen, making three meals a day, and then helping them with their homework. I get that. And whether you kids are not, this is these tips are all going to be helpful because we need to do

a little sprucing on around our sex life, especially for having sex in the same room, in the same place. So let me give you tips you guys. Here's some vacation sex at home. I'm going to get you can't get a babysitter right now or send them off to leave and do an activity. But here's how you can get creative. So first, here's some things you can do to at least get your kids preoccupied. Just a little preoccupied arts and crafts. Like get them some crafts to do. I think we can also order crafts.

There's some great tutorials on YouTube. Have them do a project together. Find a game that maybe involves a set time so you know how long it'll be focused. They'll be focused on the project. Now listen, if you have older children, let them know you're having a loan time. Your parents are mommy, daddy, your boyfriend, girlfriend, you need time.

You need time alone to bond. And I actually don't think this is a bad thing for your kids to see that you are prioritizing your time. Then you lock the door. Now, yes, they can bother you if it's urgent and make sure they have a snack and things that qualifies the market and sees they know when they can bother you.

But take that time, prioritize it. And again, I know every day is changing here, but this is something that's gonna help you. And I'm not saying you've do it every day, but this could be a game changer. Let them watch a movie. Maybe it could be one of their favorites. Maybe it's a treat.

Something they've been wanting to watch, but you've been holding back. This is the time for them to watch. Now, if you've yard, you can build them a picnic, a tea party, you know, things they could do while you're in the house. So that's what you do with the kids. Now, how do you find time?

How do you find time right now to get intimate? Now, really it comes down to prioritization. How do you prioritize your intimate time right now? You could wake up a little earlier. I mean set the alarm 20 minutes before your normal wake up time. If you do that, then you know like this is our time. Maybe you've never had morning sex. Maybe before when you were both rushing off about your day, you actually didn't have time for morning sex. So this is a perfect time. And if you've never tried it, there you go. There's a novelty and the excitement that you might be craving in a relationship.

You can also take a shower together, kind of like your own vacation, right? I feel like I'm on vacation. I'm always like taking showers together and we're doing stuff like that. More so than we are at home. And you're also less likely to get interrupted in the bathroom. You can bring a lot of toys and loobs into the shower. And you also have some great tips about shower sex, but really know that you definitely need to loob. And you definitely need to make sure that you are holding onto something sturdy. Well, here's some things also you guys have obfuscation sex. If you are, let's say you're

with your partner, but there's really been no time to master rate. This is like a side note for some self-loving. It's okay to give each other time to be alone without each other like to say like I need the bedroom. I need some self-pleasure. You can even take masturbation shifts. Shifts. You can someone with the kids with the other one steals away. I get it's not only ideal, but we all need our time. So I think again, great time to have conversations with your partner about the fact that you do masturbate, that it's part of being sexually healthy, that you actually need that release. Because the more we could try to get a sense of normalcy,

and if your routine was always masturbating when your partner went down to feed the kids or went to work and now you can't, you've got to keep that going. And definitely when you're on vacation, we all know I think there's a little bit more masturbation. Now here's something crucial. Make your bedroom feel sexier. This is a big one. I don't know why you guys, but my house, even though I'm not even home, I've rented a house.

It's messy. It is a messy place. And I think that we are all trying to figure out how do we clean, cook, do make meals, deal with the children and have sex and all the thin work if you're still working. So create a space that makes you feel sensual, that makes you put you in the mood.

Put the laundry away. Put everything away, everything that reminds you of work. If you couldn't remember that your goal is to have the bedroom for sleeping in sex, that's just a great way to remember, like, oh, do I need this, you know, bill in this room? I would just like stacks of papers in my room, you know? Do I need to have a laundry? Can I just put it outside the bruises? We will laundry into the neck, into the hallway. I'm like, I don't want it to be my room. Definitely have candles that you

like. This is the time to light our candles that we've been saving for rainy days. Candles are so calming you guys. And there's been so much great information lately, some great studies around how scent can really enhance our sense of well-being. And so lighting candles, having a delicious scent that makes you feel good, can kind of get you more in the mood. I've been lighting incense every day, I've been having music, I've been trying to really up my senses sensory receptors. You can also get some soft silky sheets, have your toys ready to go, charged, and definitely have some food nearby,

but you guys know that. You should always have some food nearby. So first, this is a great time for you get to think about role-playing. Maybe you have a date night with your partner. You make a fake dinner menu. You can treat your kitchen like a restaurant. You can get dressed up, make it fancy. It's kind of novel to put some makeup on these days and get dressed up.

Now that could be really odd for you, you're like I'm not leaving the house, but it does feel good to dress up for change. You could do the sexy stranger thing. We have the time now, but also you could pretend that you're in a hotel room like your vacation. You could have a fake hotel card for your bedroom and just like hanging on the door. You could have champagne glasses outside of the tray in your room, fold the bedding like you see in a hotel. You'd be surprised how easy it actually is to feel like you're not in your actual home. Spring on those new sheets.

Buy some new towels, play with it a bit. Listen, our mind is really powerful. And we all know the power of imagination and visualization. You know, I was just really about to study yesterday where there were two groups of people that were visualizing actually being in a tennis match. And then there was another group of athletes who were not in the match, but they were playing the match. And they fared just as well when they actually played

because it was the visualization component of it. So we have to kind of get better now at visualizing things that were happening in our world and get suspending disbelief and saying, and suspending what you know and say, you know what, we're on vacation because I know many of you have to cancel your trips right now. We're a bathing suit,

put on your spring break attire, you know? Like you could pretend that you're not in your home. Now listen, if you want to go back to the role-play thing, be the maid in the hotel room. Like who cleans up? Maybe you're the French maid. One of you is the guest who's ever been dirtiest. You could be room service person who by mistake walks in the room. Maybe there's someone you want to get it on with. Sexy stranger again, I talked about that. If you don't know what I mean by role-playing, it's really like, sexy stranger's easier.

Like, okay, I'm gonna show up with someone an alter ego. Maybe it's the person that you use, I don't know, like you always wanted to play an instrument, and you're like, I'm gonna be the musician part of myself. Or maybe it's just someone that you felt that you were when you met. Or maybe you just show up and you don't know what's gonna be, but you're like, let's pretend it's our first date.

Just having a plan like that no matter how awkward you might think it is, you're like, Emily, I know it's my partner, we've been together forever. So what? As soon you can get past the weirdness and the giggling and all that stuff that might make you feel awkward, you're going to see that you transcend that very quickly on, and then it's a new game. It's exciting. It's something different.

And that's what I'm getting at. The reason why we all love vacation sex and why we create vacation sex is because it's different. It's novel. We're outside of our bedroom. We're not worried about all the things with work and life. And right now I'm afraid that for many of us, the boundaries are getting crossed. We're like, if there's a cop, there's like a blurred line between home and work

and family and kids. And so if you get that into your mindset, like how can I actually successfully feel like I'm on vacation right now? That could really help you. Because novelty, doing something new and exciting, that's what happens when we things become wrote in our relationships and we get bored.

It's because we're missing the newness, the excitement, and trying something new. So just the active role playing, doing one of these things could be a fun new way to connect with your partner. All right. If you want to get your kids in on it, here's just another idea. Try to go up with creative things for you. Your kids, you know, should know how important the loan time is for you. And maybe you've been demonstrating the importance and maybe you need it down more than ever.

Like, mommy, daddy, have an hour every night. But you can help them. They can kind of, you can plug them into this experience right now and say, hey, I want you to help me make this feel like a vacation. So maybe they pretend that they're sitting you at a picnic or dinner and they're the waiters and they bring you some food and they serve you. Now, that might not be the sexiest thing for you, but they like getting in on games and playing. So really, you know, and then you guys, they sit down for a movie and you go to your bedroom. It's all about being creative,

creating an experience to make it, you make you feel like you're getting the most out of staying home, because I think that's where we're all at right now. I think we all know that we're going to be home for a while, and the more honest, and authentic, and real, we can be with our partners, with our loved ones, with our children, the more we're going to be able to find these workarounds, so we can actually make sex great again. And don't forget about having the conversations that I always recommend about communication and how do we actually talk about our sex life and you have time to work on it together now.

It's not about one person pulling the weight and one of you just making all these decisions. So maybe let's do this with your partner. Let's do this. Get all these on the Series X and Matt. Figure out ways that you can keep it hot and exciting right now. Get some toys, we've got a lot of great products you can order wherever you get sex toys. Alright guys, I'm here to help. You're awesome.

Stay strong, stay safe, stay healthy. I miss talking to you, but I will be back, but right now you can always send out your questions to feedback at sexwithamlee.com. Check out our socials or lives that we're doing on Instagram. And Facebook, it is sex with Emily everywhere. And so our podcast, sex with Emily, across the board. And thank you to my amazing team for all your hard work right now,

getting everything together, making sure that we are still here for you to help you during this unprecedented time. So I love you all, thanks for listening. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back, we're gonna get in to your email questions. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

Hey, I'm Dr. Emily Morris, you're listening to Sex with Emily, and I'm here for you to answer your questions about sex and relationships. We really need to be able to talk about it now more than ever without the shame, without the judgment. And even though I can't take your calls right now, I can still talk to you on Instagram and on email. Email is feedback at sexwithemily.com to send your questions.

And you can find me on all social media sex with Emily Okay, so here's some of your emails now that have come in Okay, this is from Bill 46 in the USA. Hi, Dr. Emily my girlfriend and I have an amazing sex life She's 10 years younger love sex and loves to explore with me There's really no limits and we try nearly nearly anything. We have sex almost every day, and many of them, many times, more than once a day. It seems we're having quite the opposite effect under quarantine.

She still wants to have sex as do I, but we're having less because quarantine life is getting to us. She's being more sensitive, and dramatic than usual, and I'm probably a little more irritated by it than normal as well. I have an essential position, so still work outside of the home most days. Well, she's trapped inside working.

A question is two-fold. How do we get past this and get back on our daily routine and should we? Based on me having to be outside the home, have sex daily. I'm being cautious, but obviously this can come from anywhere. Tips? All right, Bill, thanks for this question, and I think this brings up a lot of what we're all going through. So it makes sense,

and I want to remind everyone that we are not only in a state of universal transition, like on every level, but certainly in our relationships and how we're dealing with this, and that can change moment to moment. Meaning like, like we, you know, sometimes there's transitions happening because one person starts working more than the other one, or we're going through a hard time at work, but now we're all in transitions and when we're in a crisis situation, they can change moments of moment day to day. So just be aware of that.

But let me address these one by one for you. So first, you're working outside the home and it sounds like you are taking necessary precautions. I'm sure you're washing your hands, taking a shower soon as you get home, washing those clothes immediately. So I think it should be okay for you to get back to the business of your bedroom business. So, you know, you're living

with her. She's safe. It's been over two weeks for most people. So I feel like, you know, you're pretty safe in those regards. So what number two is like, what has been becoming really clear to me, again, is during this pandemic, is that everybody sort of resorting to their base level coping mechanism. So you said that your girlfriend is sometimes sensitive and dramatic when dealing with conflict, so it makes sense that that would be more heightened now and just single is for you being more irritated right now. I have found by talking to friends, colleagues myself. I'm sort of resorting to my base level of things that I do when I'm stressed out. I isolate, I get really overwhelmed, I'm less focused.

For a lot of people, if they get angry, they're more angry. If they tend to binge on food or TV, they're doing that. Just everyone we've got to go easy on ourselves and take a lot of deep breaths. As far as getting back to the daily routine, this is also trickier to answer because I'm in the mindset that there's no going back, which is a hard pill to swallow because I think that the new normal every day is changing

and I don't think we're ever gonna go back. So I'm tend to look at that as a time for great opportunity actually, a time to recreate rebirth and renew. So you both get to decide like, well, what would be an excellent routine that works now? So just because we never get back to a daily routine, we get to create one right now, we have the opportunity to create one that works where you're at now and could likely work in the future.

So if you're working, if you're out working and she's home all day, she probably need you to help her transition out after a long day at home. I know from someone who used to work at home all the time and I'm starting to work at home again, to realize that there's a lot of things that I need to make that work successfully. That is getting outside, getting fresh air, and transitioning from work mode to non-working mode. So maybe when you get home from work, she needs to tap out and say, you know, I need to go for a walk without you. You know, she needs to kind of make that transition for me what I would do before this time when I come home from work at Syrias. For example, I get on my couch and I meditate for 10 minutes, just kind of transition from

my day to my home life. So for her, she's got to figure out what that is. Maybe she needs some time with you. Maybe she needs you to check in with her and you'll after you take your shower and you guys have 10 minutes of check in where you are talking about her day, talking about your day, maybe you're engaging in a new activity together. You know, I always see that couples who play together stay together.

And whenever you try a new routine, with a partner that also spikes our adrenaline. So that could be like a game, an online workout, cooking together, finding activities that would help you guys connect at the end of a day. Finally, you do get to create from a new place now. So having talks about what both feeling in the mood for sex, you know?

Where can you have sex in the house now that's different? What could you, what would you like to try together? And the time of day might change right now. Maybe you do it in the morning before you leave for work. Maybe you're doing it on the weekends. Maybe it's every other day. Maybe this is the time to actually plan for sex so you know when it's happening.

If you guys are more irritated and more drama right now, just kind of talking about it and having a space, maybe it's Wednesday nights. On Wednesday nights, we get together and we're going to have a check-in. We were talking for 15 minutes about the state of our mental health and our sex life because everything is changing now day by day, week by week. But just both of you acknowledging that you've

liked to figure out a new normal when it comes to your sex life and your routine, we are immensely helpful to you right now. And to everyone, thanks for your question, Belle. All right, this is from Maria 53 to Illinois, dear Dr. Emily. I was a senior shown Hawaii that suggested suggested if you're starting a new relationship, you can FaceTime. Well, what suggestions do you have if I'm not a talker?

Would I be better off as waiting it out? I'd like to put my best foot forward. Thanks. All right. This is a great question, Maria. I'm going to assume that if you're not a talker, maybe you're more into texting. So if you do stay in that place of just texting, if you're meeting new people right now,

it really is not gonna allow you to connect more intimately with anybody. And so like, what if you practiced talking on FaceTime right now with a friend or a family member? You know, maybe you could find the right light, the right location of your home, and a position that works best for FaceTime. And at the same way, I'm not a big texture.

I had to learn to text because that's the way the world was, right? And now it's very different. So I think someone justing might be good for you. And like ask yourself, what is it about talking that makes me uncomfortable? Like what kind of talking does it work? Does work, it doesn't work for you.

Like what is it about talking that make that is triggering for you? Because if you really want to start to develop into me with someone right now, and I would say if you're alone and isolated, that maybe this is something you want to get through by again, practicing talking, even if it's just talking on the phone.

I mean, I'm not saying you have to jump to FaceTime, but I think getting comfortable with intimacy, which is what talking is for many people, could be helpful. So sometimes stepping outside of our comfort zone, challenging our edge and seeing where talk can be, you know, can work for you, can be super useful. Like, for me, I realize I don't love texting because it's super distracting and I feel like I'm not a great thatster, so I started talking.

So what I started doing is I started like texting people, but would record. At first, I just record voice memos. You can just do the voice memo thing and text that. I found that super useful. And then I found slowing down. And the thing I didn't love about texting is that I feel like I'm so busy throughout the day. And then I thought, if I designate text time, this is the time I'm just returning text. I'm just going to communicate with someone I'm dating or flirting with.

That made it feel a lot more structured for me and I could get through it. So I would say rather than waiting out, maybe just challenge your why you don't love talking and practice. And I think that would work for you, Maria. A lot. So thanks for your question. All right. This next one is from Lisa 50 in Ohio.

Hi Dr. Emily. So I was taken off the pill when I turned 50 by my gynecologist. Had I known what a profound impact this would have in my sex drive, I would have done it a long time ago and saved myself so much grief. Now that I have a woke from such a dead slumber,

I can't stay off my husband. He's three years older than I, and I think he's a little intimidated, definitely frustrated, and having difficulty. We have wonderful communication, which is a plus, but he still struggles. What can you recommend to help me and help him enjoy this long-awaited burning desire I now have for him? And could you recommend a breathing exercise that? Thank you. I'll be all-need breathing apps right now. So into breathing, I'll get to that.

So I love Lisa that you have let me know that you excellent communication. So now it's time to have even greater communication, excellent communication around this new situation. How often can you have sex, how much, what kind of sex, and whenever we're going through a change, it is scary, it can be intimidating, it can induce fear. Maybe he's feeling like, oh God, now I can't meet up, I can't match up to what she wants. You know, you're saying that he's intimidated, and he's having difficulty. What kind of difficulty is he having? Is he having some kind of Baroque deluxe function? Is he feeling that he can't necessarily perform?

And do you know that he's intimidated? So since you guys are really good at communication, I would say what does it bring up for you, sweetie? That right now I'm wanting more sex. Maybe it makes him feel like he has to be someone totally different or he's not matching up because he doesn't necessarily want more sex. So there has to be maybe some more reassurance because this is new, right? If you've been together for a while and all of a sudden we change sexually, that's intimidating to any kind of partner.

So maybe getting out of the state of unknown and you can kind of experience this change together because I think you can help him get to the place where This burning desire that you have for him now feels really good boosts his ego gets him really excited again But it's a change so also you asked about a breathing out what I love is I actually think that you could breathe together And I found with partners that when I slow down and I breathe, which is a sort of a tantric principle, and I connect with them whenever I'm stressed or before we have sex even, we just look at each other and we breathe together,

it's a game changer. It really is just that process of looking at each other's eyes and breathing, gets you extremely present. If you breathe for a few minutes, sometimes your breath sinks up and it's sort of a lot of the anxiety and stress that we're all feeling just kind of melts away. Apps that I love for meditation and breath, I love insight, timer. It's a free app. They do have all these new programs right now that they're like, if you don't really pay

attention, it makes you look like you have to buy everything on there because they have 10 day courses. I don't think you have to. You just kind of have to dig deep and find it. Headspace has been around for a while, people love headspace, and then there's what called calm, that it also really like.

Now those are meditation apps, but they also have breath components to them. So just search for the right apps. And why I like those is because they're not just breath focused, but again, breath is a huge part of meditation. And those apps are a little bit more established. Oh, another thing is my friend on the studio called Den Meditation in Los Angeles.

And since it's closed right now during this quarantine, she's offering classes on her app, and she's got some of the best breath work teachers on there. So I would check all of those out and see if your partner wants She's offering classes on her app and she's got some of the best breathwork teachers on there. So I would check all of those out and see if your partner wants to breathe along with you and that goes for everybody. Breath is a game changer. Alright, let's talk to you, fire.

Let's talk to you. We're not on the phone. I wish we were on the phone. I miss all of you. Let's get into an email sent to feedback at sexwithamely.com from Byron 38 in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a hard time getting hard when I'm with a partner, but I have no problems when I'm solo. I always was more concerned with giving pleasure to the other person, but for some reason I've

problems doing that with my penis. This is let the disappointment by my partners because they don't feel like they're giving me any pleasure What's a way I can get hard and stay hard for my partner? I just bought the hot octopus essential solo I hope that helps thanks for the help. I love your show. All right. Well, this really this really got me thinking Byron because I kind of tell you there is the last few years There's been a surge of of a lot of younger men that are experiencing erectile dysfunction. Now, it used to be just for men who are a little bit older, after 40, 50, 60s, you know, who are experiencing a natural testosterone drop,

which happens as we get older. That happens for women too. And so, what they find is initially erectile dysfunction is two major causes, and that's cardiovascular disease and severe emotional stress. Well, a lot of us are under emotional stress right now, meaning anxiety, stress, worry. And I would say even more so now than ever, even in the last few years. So I kind of want to break this down for you.

I've made this to be able, I'm going to give more tips for everybody since we're getting so many more questions about this. So this is going to help a lot of you have experiencing Rackdell's function or with partners with Rackdell's function. Also, I want to mention the hot octopuses are fabulous toy essentially for men. And what it does is it can really help men stay harder longer, work on a jaw-category control, and it feels incredible. It's actually a guide braider. So it oscillates around your freinelome,

which is a super sensitive part of your penis. It's the underside. And I'd love to hear that works for you, Byron, if you're loving the hot octopus, because we've heard great things. I know, I don't know of a penis, but I know from penis owners very close to me that they love it.

All right, so let's get into a little of back dial function now. Okay, so here's a deal. What I think it is, a lot of, the numbers are going rapidly from people who are experiencing younger men, millennials and teens. Backed, I had a friend's son call me the other day. He's 19 and he talked to me about a partner he was dating and he said he's, you know, his first time being at sex, he's actually never really been able to stay

hard and he was really concerned and I know this guy really well and he's actually been stressed his entire life, really anxious and overachiever. So I kind of have been doing some deep diving, so I'm really glad you sent this question. So the numbers are going rapidly, they really are. So they're depressed, they're stressed, they're ashamed, a lot of young men are ashamed, are all men, because they feel something's wrong with them, and they just think, oh god, I shouldn't have it. And so it seems like a third of young men are now establishing a dress and reptile dysfunction. Now the misconceptions, and I just believe, I'm going to break this down, is that it's all about porn. It's because of porn and it's because of masturbation.

Now, I'm gonna say that I don't think that porn is necessarily the devil, but I can tell you why there might be components to it. Even though people think that's a grave misconception, I think that if I get into this, you're gonna see that there's something about masturbation which might be a part of it, but don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone

to stop masturbation. Because there are many people, and there have been studies on this, that completely stopped porn, and that didn't fix their problem of erectile dysfunction. So some things are sex education. You know how bismillities in America. We refuse to talk to our children about sex,

or about pleasure, and all we do is we create a lot of taboo and a lot of shame around it. And like in other states in America, like in Utah, you know, discussing details of sexual intercourse and these subceptives and sex activity outside America is completely banned. And something that I haven't talked to all you about in a while is in the Netherlands, which is held up as a model by all of my sex educator friends and colleagues.

Sex education begins with four-year-olds in kindergarten. Now the Dutch, they don't call it sex education, they call it sexuality education, they call it comprehensive sex ed. And that's just open and honest conversations about love and relationships and the youngest students, they're not taught about intercourse, they're not learning what intercourse in kindergarten. But with the time they're 11, they're shown that they're far equipped, way better equipped than Americans, to make better choices about when and when not to engage in sex. And the Dutch believe that sexual development is a normal process that all young people

experience what we do. And they think they have the right, which I believe as well, to frank, and trustworthy information on the subject. Consequently, they have way less shame, way less shame around sex and sexuality and fewer teen pregnancies. So, since our sex ed, this is what I was talking to my friend son about, it's only absente based. It's education.

That's what's taught in a lot of schools. We say, you're going to get pregnant and don't get it done. You're going to get some impregnant. You're going to get pregnant and don't get an STD. Well, that's fear-based. And that does not help anybody. There's also sexual imagery. Now, this is when I do think it's porn.

It's a problem. If we've been seeing porn at a young age, and we know that kids are seeing it as young as 11 years old, they don't understand. They don't have a deep, rather understanding of the dynamics, the requirements that actually come to the having an intimate relationship. So what they believe is that porn is just for play, quick penetration, and orgasm, boom, it's over in three minutes. So I do agree, I actually think that in some cases, when that's all we think is that that's sexual.

Like, of course that's sex. That's all I've seen. That could tributate to our ability to not be able to stay hard with the partner because it's not really going down the way we think. And so, you know, sex education, why I also think it's important is because it's, it's, it's, it's, it's focused on, you know, sexual functioning, not just sexual pleasure, important to all about pleasure, it's not about functioning. And so there's also movie mainstream media, as we know, I've talked about this a lot, that what we see in movies and it's not how, again, it's the same thing. It's like making out, there's

maybe a little foreplay in the band penetration, so that doesn't help. So we have good pleasurable sex. We have to understand that there's emotional skills and mental skills and all these things, understanding our own vulnerabilities that are really key to being able to be a great lover. And also men, the other thing is run and it oppressants. You're on ADHD drugs. There's just a lot of other things that could happen, that could be impacting our ability to stay hard, psychological problems, OCD, and then there's also shame and there's fear. Now, so what we got to do about it is, is that with men, if this is happening to you,

those are all the things that could be, right? And same to, for Byron, some of this could speak to you, but I'm really like, it could be any of those things, you have to be like, aha, that's what it is. And then for many of these men, they're saying that they try to enter the partner, but they go limp right away. Now for someone, they find that using something

like a hot octopus or a flashlight really helps them successfully penetrate, and that's something that they could use when they're alone or with a partner. It's like an erotic aid that kind of helps you retrain the mind. Sometimes, and I don't know by or and if this is your case, but when couples are trying to have a baby, the man kind of switches his belief around sex and thinks,

oh, this is my job. It's no longer just an erotic experience. And so what I suggest here is maybe it take a break from the business of making a baby and you go back to the business of sex. Penis rings can also be helpful for men because it helps restrict blood flow. And I also think a big thing here is don't make a huge deal out of it.

I think that what happens is it happens once and then we think, oh God, it's gonna keep happening again, which happens with men who are also premature ejaculators. So really overall, having open and honest sexual health conversations between your partners is so important. And the challenge is a lot of guys

wanna fix this on their own. They don't wanna dress it with their partner. They don't wanna say to their partner, baby, you know what, I'm super nervous right now or I'm super anxious or I'm worried about this because I'm sh- I'm shamed that I can't be the stallion lover with a big hard penis.

So we don't talk about it at all. But the truth is, when we can talk about it with our partners. And this got me the last few weeks. I've actually been doing a deeper dive into some things that maybe I haven't shared because I have more time to talk to you all. Let me talk to you about Sensei's focus. And this is an exercise that a lot of sex educators, a lot of sex therapists and sex coaches practice with their patients.

And essentially what it is, it's to exercise teaching your partner what and how you like to be touched. Now what this means is it's a really an exercise that requires us to be aware of our body. Now this goes for men and women. And that means how do I like to be touched? What's my reaction to touch? Another stimuli. So it also should say that not only do I have to learn the way I want to be touched, but I have to learn how my partner wants to be touched. What it means is that just amount of explaining it's actually a practice of us like sitting in the room together with our partners and

saying, okay, let me show you how I like to be touched. Now this could also be done during mutual masturbation if you're both kind of lying there side by side. Bear in this could also mean that you are kind of practicing on yourself and showing her like how you specifically like to be touched. I like this kind of pressure on my penis. I like my balls to be touched this way. And so really when she's focusing it, she's saying that she'll be able to learn more what kind of touch you like. I think that's something important that's called sensei focused then she could do the same thing. And I think when you find what we all find is that when we're really interacting on the same level as our partner first off we're out of our head. You're not worrying that oh my

god am I gonna get hard not get hard. You're actually engaged in activity with your partner around or pleasure. So imagine how amazing that can work right. The other thing is that I want to talk about and this is something that's do with masturbation, is that sometimes if we have a unique or really specific masturbation style, like maybe we always do it with the same hand, right? Or maybe we squeeze, you know, light in the heart and light in the heart, are we just something very specific. Sometimes what we do during our solo activity can kind of impact the way it feels

with a partner during penetration. So what I recommend is maybe playing with some of that the way you're masturbating. If you notice, yeah, you know what I mean? I really do do this weird tug thing and that weird. But I do this tugging thing at the end or I grab my balls or do something that I actually can't mimic throw it in a horse.

Well, that would mean that when you're on your own, maybe practice if you always use your right hand, use your left hand. Switch the way you masturbate, switch the positions. Use the stop, start, retreat, where you like, you know, you just kind of start, and then you stop before you ejaculate. So this could kind of help you sort of again,

understand the way you ejaculate, understand the way you get turned on. So those are some tips there for a lot of men experiencing a recordless function because I've been hearing about, we got so many emails from you guys, even just in the last few weeks because I think a lot of us are home right now and we're spending more time having sex or with ourselves. And so I just wanted to cover that for all y'all. So Byron, thanks for your email. Totally appreciate it. OK, this is from Brent, 40 in Georgia. Hello, Dr. Emily. I saw your post on Instagram. Maybe it was on Twitter.

We get it both places. Do you like anal? Well, I want to try it. But my wife is scared too. My wife is scared too. OK, you want to try it, but my wife is scared too. My wife is scared too. Okay, you want to try it, but your wife is scared too. After discussions, she still doesn't want to. Is there a way that would convince her to try it for me?

Thanks in advance. All right, Brent. Well, here's the thing about anal. What I have about helps is getting a little bit more information from your partner, from your wife and asking her, what is it about Adel that makes her the most scared? So getting some more information is my first tip to you. Maybe she had a really unpleasant first-time experience.

Someone went in the wrong hole. She didn't want it. She was really buzzed. Something happened, she's heard horror stories, get a little bit more information. Now listen, this is a practice too, because she knows, she knows your hell bent on anal right now, Brent.

So you have to make me like, you know what, I'm just curious, do it in this very light tone, you're not, you know, and she's gonna think, well, it's just because you wanna have it, and say, no, I really just wanna know, tell me. You know, I also wanna say, there's a lot of couples that are listening to think, well, it's just because you want to have it. And say, no, I really just want to know. Tell me. And I also want to say there's a lot of couples that are listening to this show together, which I think is really helpful.

So you could have her listen to my answer here, because really, I think getting curious about a lot of things our partner says is helpful. So once you find that out, you know, I would just, that's going to help you make a decision. Like if, if, and then the next step is education, educating herself and yourself around anal sex because the truth is many people do have fears around it, but what we find is when when anal sex is executed correctly, there's a lot less pain and a lot more pleasure, meaning you slow down, you use lots of lube, you start, you know, you start small. A lot

of people listen to my podcast or they go to, they listen to it and serious or you go to secondfamily.com. We have a lot of great anal tips on our website. And then the next tip is that you want to, if she does say, okay, you know what? Let's try it. Let's explore what I always recommend for first time people. Is that you do it like a process.

You build up over time. Maybe you just start with your finger and maybe you just start moving it around her anus on the externally around the anal sphincter which actually has a lot of nerve endings, chock full of nerve endings that actually feel really good. Now this is great because this establishes trust because she knows well and he's not going right in. And she gets to breathe. Breath is so important, especially during anal play, because we get tense, some get nervous, we get anxious, and we don't breathe.

And then it can be really hard to actually, ha, to actually pay attention to what feels good. And what doesn't feel good. So just starting maybe one day or for a few days, it's just that, it's just your figure, clean figures, trim nails, and then and using some loop. And the next time maybe you stick in a pinky finger, a pinky finger, she likes that and you go really slow. And then you see how that feels. Maybe try that. And then you can build up to a butt plug and then maybe your penis. So I think these are the steps that you got to take to see if she actually might be on board with it because for many women, they have pleasure,

they never dreamed of. They could even have orgasms. And so really, we've got to find out. So thanks for your email, Brian, to appreciate it. All right, this is from Johnny Mac, 30, in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. My girlfriend and I have been together for over six months. We consider ourselves twin flames. I've never met anybody like her in my life and she's still in my

heart, but there's this one thing that seems to get in the way of our happiness. She gets off when I have an orgasm, and I told her that I don't have them very often. No one's complained in the past because I can go for hours and still get pleasure from it. I love blow jobs too and I only orgasm occasionally. I masturbate daily and she claims that this is the problem. She says it all are other relationships. They orgasm right away. So she takes this as a failure on her part and that I don't enjoy having sex with her.

She couldn't be any farther from the truth. It's going to be a deal breaker for our relationship, but I don't want to lose the love of my life over this. What can I slash we do to solve this? And is there any information that supports the fact that this is nothing to do with her and it's about me? All right. Johnny Mac, thank you for your email.

Yes, there's a lot of information to support that. But let me tell you this is that your girlfriend is reacting how I hear many people act when our partner doesn't have an orgasm or they don't see my brows and this goes for everyone. What we do is we blame ourselves. I'm not hot enough, I'm not doing it well enough. I'm not sexy enough, I'm not my penis isn't the right size.

You know, there's all these things we always assume. First, what we do is these are two really like, like, negligent assumptions. The first thing is we assume that sex always looks the same way for everybody. That everybody orgasms right away. From her experience, she's taking everybody by partner's orgasm right away, and then she thinks that has to do with me. Now, we're part of the equation equation our partners are certainly attracted to us and more attracted them I mean we're in the bedroom with them repeatedly I have pretty much get that your partner is trying to do They are naked with you. I think we worry about this so much

But just know that they're fine unless they tell you that so you know otherwise But most times this is just something we do and it's just really unhelpful because we make the assumption that we're not turning them on and that Everyone always does the same thing. Not every person orgasms right away. All the men she's been with, perhaps of orgasms quicker, but it doesn't mean that's how everybody bad is. So I think that the educational part is really just around, you know, have or listen to this.

Let her know that everyone looks different and that it has nothing to do with her. I mean, you could probably reassure this, but as young women, I don't know how old she is, but, you know, I think we make a lot of assumptions based on our past sexual experiences. Until she just hasn't been with a man, that lasts longer. So the reason why it's a deal breaker,

it sounds like it's because she's in her head worried about all these things. But my other question is you say that she gets off when you come. Does that mean that she's having an orgasm? When you come? Is that mean that she has to see you orgasm to have an orgasm? I mean, you don't say that here. You say get off. And so I'm wondering is she really having pleasure? Is she really having orgasms? Or is it just a cue to her that that's when sex is done?

Maybe she's never had one. So I feel like that she's comparing you to past guys and that is not useful. It sounds like you might be a delayed ejacular, Johnny Mac, and that is something that is common for a lot of men, meaning it takes about 30 minutes, 45 minutes or longer for men who are really delectulators to have an orgasm. That's just how it is.

Typically in masturbation they come a lot quicker. I don't think this has to do with masturbation, although you could try it if you haven't tried that before. You might want to try not masturbating before you see her, but really it's just something that men, a lot of men have. And really, there's not a lot of, like, there's not like a quick fix to it, and there's not a lot of reasons why they don't really know. But I think in your case, it's really about communicating, making sure that she's having pleasure, and she's actually getting off, and that's really going to help you in this situation. Thank you everybody. Thank you to my awesome team. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Ryan, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you?

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