Sex With Emily - Staycations & Sex Talks

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Ever wonder what the world would be like if we all felt comfortable talking about sex? We’d have way more pleasure, less shame and much healthier relationships. Not to mention that talking about sex increases desire and leads to a more satisfying life all around.In today’s episode I also cover how to plan a sexy staycation. It’s possible even if you’re stuck at home! I advise the best way to bring toys into the bedroom, why you should consider a lube shooter and the best time to communicate your needs to a partner.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about why it's important to talk about sex. How to plan a sexy staycation and how to communicate what you want in the bedroom. All this and more, thanks for listening. The kids were all watching TV or doing something and she pulled them into the pantry. It's like a walking pantry in the kitchen and they had like a cookie in the pantry. Yeah, nothing like smoking hot summer snacks for us. Yes, girl, yes.

Back when I was younger, going to a toy store was sort of creepy. It had a lot of stranger hanging around there and guys and trends of codes. And then I'll tease them. I'll use it on maybe on their shaft from that going down to them. I take all their balls with it. It becomes our toy.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our secret institutions. Betrubize, they call them in a bygone day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, obviously.

Obviously, I talk a lot about sex here on the show. I mean, I never were not a thing to talk about when it comes to sex. But we are starting sex at September here, so I thought it'd be good to go all the way back to the basics. I mean, why should we talk about sex? Why don't we encourage healthy sex conversations? And it is hard. I get it. Talking about sex is vulnerable. It's vulnerable to Talk about our feelings.

And since we don't talk about it, we have shame. You shame around our sex drives around our desire, what we want. So I'm here two days to spell all of that because I'm telling you, Talking about sex is a hundred percent good for us. It helps us figure out what we like, helps us explore pleasure and gets us closer to our partner, and actually talking about it will free us from the shame. Later on in the show, I'm going to talk about planning a fun, sexy staycation. I also take calls and questions about sharing a vibrator during sex. Loop shooters, what are they?

Why do you need to know about that? And how to communicate what you want in the bedroom. All right, enjoy the show. Do you ever wonder why we don't want to talk about sex? Like, why is it so hard to even say the word sex? Why is it so taboo? If you think about it, every time I tell someone what I do for a living, it's getting a little better, but I'll say sex with Emily.

That's the name of my show and they go, oh, you talk about sex. And there's definitely a judgment. You know, I'll be at a party and I'll say, oh, I'm a sex therapist. And then there's the people who are like, tell me everything. And then there's the people are like,

oh, I'm gonna go refill my drink. Those are the people that don't want to talk to me about sex, or that are uncomfortable. Like if you think about it, we're here because people had sex, right, in the traditional sense of the word. Intercourse happened. Sperm fertilized egg, and then baby came out. But yet, now we don't feel comfortable talking about it,

but we don't teach it in schools, at least not in a way that's accurate. So currently 24 states in the District of Columbia mandate that we teach education. 34 states say, you know, we got to teach HIV education. And so every state has some kind of guidance how and when sex education should be taught, but it's up to the individual school districts. But only 13 states require that sex ed has to be medically accurate, right?

So there's actually facts that are medically accurate. So what are we supposed to do? Why should sex be comfortable then to talk about? And then if we grew up in a home where it was not talked about me, we grew up in a religious background or culturally shame for talking about sex. So we grew up constantly hearing that sex is wrong or it's only for procreation or wait till we're married and touching ourselves and self-pleasure as taboo. Why would we be set up to talk about sex? We wouldn't.

My sex said was like in seventh grade, and it was a mixed class of boys and girls, and all I remember is some kid raised his hand and said, can we have sex underwater? That's all I remember. And she like the teacher like shamed him and said like, that's a bad question. Listen, here's the rules about talking about sex. There's no bad questions. Listen, here's the rules about talking about sex. There's no bad questions. We all have questions around sex. This whole month, September, we're gonna focus on

different aspects of sex ed. I feel like people always say, who's your audience? I was like, it's literally everyone. You know, I hear from people who are 18 to 83, and what I realize is a lot of us have the same questions. You know, sometimes we're like the first infraction, right? When we're kids, maybe we were touching ourselves, right? We had our hands on our pants,

or we were rubbing up against the bed. And we might not even remember it. It's like our first offense. And we were five years old, and our grandmother walk by and said, stop touching yourself, or that's private, or that's disgusting, or don't do that. And then that becomes our baseline for sex. It just takes one person shaming us for us to feel that it's somehow wrong.

And we're thinking, oh, maybe it's a kid, we're thinking, oh, but that felt good. Or maybe we went to some repeated learning place where they kept saying, if you masturbate, you're going to go blind or it's really shameful. And maybe we feel bad about our bodies, right? We think, well, I've heard about this sex thing, but if I, you know, I don't love my body and I don't want anyone to see it. And it's also really confusing messages

because people are like, oh, but we're so much more sexual now. You know, there's sex everywhere, porn. You can get porn, you know, kids are seeing porn at eight years old on their, you know, smartphones and they're on their iPad. So we're so hypersexual in America. But the truth is, yes, we see more sex everywhere.

We have more access to sex, but that doesn't mean that we are hyper educated around sex, that we are sexually healthy. Sexual health and wellness is such a strong emerging category right now everywhere. Go to the drugstore now and you see like there's a sexual health and wellness aisle. That wasn't even allowed before and sometimes they even sell vibrators. That just started 10 years ago. I've been doing this for 15 years ago when I started selling vibrators at Target. It was a whole thing, right? But why don't we? Why is it so not safe? You're listening to this show because you want to get the information. I think it's important to look at our own selves and think, well, yeah, I'm really not comfortable with it.

I don't tell anybody that I listen to your podcast. You know, I wouldn't tell my friends. And I always encourage you. I want you to be that person, your friend group. If no one's ever talked about it, why can't you be the one? He's like, you know, I realized we've never talked about sex, but what's your views on it?

How important is pleasure in your life? Do you masturbate? What's your sex life it? How important is pleasure in your life? Do you masturbate? What's your sex life like? There's some of the problems, it's like about the problems for not talking about sex. As a result of never hearing anyone talk about it, not our neighbors, our parents, our friends. As a result of that, we tend to look at what we do see about sex. We look at porn and we think, oh, well, that must be how sex happens, which you all know if you've been listening. You know, what we see in traditional pornography is not an accurate representation of how sex

actually should happen. We don't see safe sex. We don't see the warm-up. We don't see the awkward moments. We don't see people using protection. We don't see them using lubrication. People go right into anal sex without any warmup. Women are having orgasms in porn

without any stimulation. I mean, none of it makes sense because it's performative. It's actually fiction, right? Learning how to have sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching fast and the furious. It's just not accurate. So we're looking at all these things

and then we make assumptions that our neighbors must be having great sex because they never talk about it. They seem so happy. I see them walk you on the neighborhood and they're holding hands. They're the happiest couple in the world. And then we compare ourselves to porn, to our neighbors, to this ideal that sex is pleasurable

for everybody and everybody must be having orgasms all the time. I mean, this is where I started with my show. I assumed that I was somehow broken because I wasn't having orgasms through penetration. I really thought, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Like, why am I broken? And come to find out, like, within the first month of doing this show, that, oh, I get it. Nobody's.

Only 20% of women are. So then I started to unpack it, and all we're seeing is penetrative sex being the standard. You know, we equate the penis to the vagina when really, if we think about it being accurate, the penis and the clitoris are way more, they have similar makeup, similar rectal tissue. That's where really the pleasure centers are.

The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. The penis penis has 4,000 nerve-ed against. It's not about penis and vagina. So then all of our focus goes towards penetration, penetration, penetration. And then all the other stuff is like toss to side. Like we stop kissing when we're in relationships for a long time. We stop finding out what pleases our partner. We don't seek information about it, so we just don't know. We don't know what we don't know. Now, the other reason why we might not talk about sex is because maybe we had some kind of trauma growing up.

I think it's like three out of eight women have had some kind of trauma in their life. You know, a sexual assault or a sexual trauma men have this too. So if we've had a trauma and we've had some assault or abuse, we're certainly not, not only are we not comfortable talking about sex, but we're not even comfortable being sexual. And as a result of that trauma, we might have shut down. You might have decided that we are just not sexual or we're not open for business ever, and we fake our

way through sex. And that's part of it as well. And just so you know, you know, trauma is such a, you know such a huge beast. It's like if we have experienced any sort of trauma, we absolutely need to seek therapy about it. We need to work that through because that just kind of sticks with us throughout our lifetime. It just sort of, unfortunately, gets louder and louder.

Also, let's just talk about self pleasure and masturbation. When I was growing up, but I kind of think it's the same right now because I've been spending a lot of time talking to my friends' kids and my own kids in my life about sex that it's always glorified. Male masturbation. Remember American pie? It was all about male masturbation.

You're seeing men masturbating, men masturbating. But you never see women masturbating. You never glorified it. So it's really shameful. I recently did a Zoom call with a bunch of 18-year-old girls, women, asked them about sex and they were all friends, but they also were a little bit uncomfortable talking to each other about masturbation still, because it, again, still feels shameful and wrong. And we're just uncomfortable with the notion of pleasure, right? And not even just with masturbation, but in life, we think, well,

I don't deserve pleasure. Our pleasure is going to come after I work. After I get up, these 10 things done, or after I put the kids to bed, or after I accomplish all these texts, well, then I'll allow myself over to pleasure, but just the whole concept of pleasure and even giving ourselves pleasure is just something that we don't feel that we deserve. Again, we feel it's wrong. I even had someone call into the show saying that every time she masturbated, maybe it was a man. I hear this from everybody. Actually, they feel this shame.

It's like a shame over. So, there was something somehow wrong with me that I just masturbated. And there's a lot of reasons for that too. It's because it's secretive. A lot of times we do it in secret. We're hiding it from our partners. Maybe our partner banned pornography from our life. A lot of you email me and call about this.

Like my partner told me I couldn't watch Porne anymore, so now I'm like in the basement. Or I'm in my car. You know, if you grew up every weekend, you were going to some religious institution or your family was saying, don't masturbate, don't masturbate, and you could be 30 years later.

And you're masturbating. There's still that echo. You know, we talk about in your brain that's like, this is somehow wrong. This is shameful. This is shameful. This is dirty. It's okay to have an orgasm, and it's okay to have pleasure.

Doesn't feel right. So why would we talk about it? You know, why would we do that? And I never heard anyone talk about it even though what my mom said, and what I find now is that a lot of parents do the same thing is they say, oh, we're very open in our household about sex.

Oh, I told my kids if they have any questions, just to ask me, we're very open. And my mom was the same way. She says, if you have any questions, Emily, ask me. But the problem is as kids, we don't know what the questions are. We assume that we know everything about sex.

We're like, yeah, you make babies. And there's something about it that is super taboo, and I'll do that when I'm an adult, right? So like, we don't even know what the questions are. Here's the other thing is that we kind of suffer silently through bad sex and through pain. 80% of women are going to experience pain at some point in their life. And of those women, they're never going to talk about it because, well, since we don't talk about it, they don't realize that they're not alone, that there's so many other women that are silently suffering, but they're never sitting down with their friends going, so I had this really painful sex experience last night.

We assume that since we haven't heard it or seen it, that we must be alone. And so that's why I want us all to just kind of look at what's keeping me from talking about sex. Is it shame? Is it trauma? Is it my upbringing? Is it because I don't love my body? Is it because I feel like I don't have the answers? Like what is it that is your roadblock to pleasure? Because pleasure is our birthright. We all deserve pleasure. We all deserve to have really healthy sex lives. We want to be accepted for our sexuality and our fantasies. I mean, sometimes the shame goes into, well, I don't want to tell my partner I'm bisexual. Or I don't want to tell my partner that I want to wear a women's underwear, but

I'm a man. You know, there's all this shame around what actually turns us on. Our fantasies and our desires. We're like, well, I can't get turned on with this kind of sex. So it's just all, I can't get turned on with this kind of sex. So it's just all, if we started talking about sex from the jump, and we started to talk about sex when we were even kids, and it wasn't shameful. I was with a friend the other day, and she has twin girls who are 12, and she said, you know, it's interesting. One of them is super comfortable with her body, and she walks around.

And the other one, it's recently started like covering up, maybe she's 11, started covering up and covering her body. She said, but I don't think that was us. She was, I think that we're very open. I don't know where that came from. It's just innate in a child. And I don't think that's true. I think, and this is no shame on any parents because no one's doing this.

The only great model I've seen is in the Netherlands is really the only place where they talk about it is they start teaching kids about, you know, there's actually sexual health classes when kids are like five. And don't freak out. Everyone's like, oh, five. And this is why we don't teach sex because people think the more sex you have, if I teach about sex, they're going to be running around having sex. What they do with young kids is they teach them the accurate names for their body parts. So like this is the vulva, the external part of the vagina. This is your penis. This is your fendulum. They just teach them what they need, what they can comprehend at that age.

And then they touch on consent a little bit, like don't, you know, it's your body. And if someone tries to touch you, that's not, you know, that you don't know or it's not consensual, you're over the right to say no. And then they keep answering their questions with every age with accurate information. And then when they start teaching them about healthy relationships, you know, what it feels like if you start to have a crush on somebody

and they just meet kids where they're at. And what they, you know, they teach a lot about pleasure, they teach about masturbation, they also teach about safe sex and, you know, STDs and pregnancy. But if you think about it in America, we teach all fear-based sex at. It's like, don't get pregnant.

Don't get an STD. You know, all these things. It's fear for him. We're like, well, why would everyone have sex? But what they do in the Netherlands is they kind of say, well, there's some pleasure. And here's consent. And here's where healthy relationship looks like. And you should use a condom in these situations,

and when you're not sexually healthy, it looks like this. And what they found is in these studies, is it now, there's less rape, there's less bullying, there's more pleasure, a kid, well, you know, young person who has sex will tell their parents, I've had sex, and they celebrate, and they might even ask if they had an orgasm or if they had pleasure.

It's a very open conversation. And that could be making you shudder right now, like, oh, that would be awful. Why a dog could never do that? It's like, she can't be about it, but why? What's the alternative? You know, the alternative is that we're just sending our kids off into the to go have sex.

See, it's like, go have fun with being an adult. You can't have sex to go adult, but now you're gonna have it and go figure it out. I like, go have fun with being an adult. You can't have sex to go adult, but now you're going to have it. Go figure it out. How did you figure it out? So, that's why I want you to start today. Think about, what are my roadblocks? Why am I not talking about it?

And how can I challenge my beliefs around sex and talking to people I love about sex and make a change for the better? All right, more sex with Emily, after this break, and thank you everybody for supporting our sponsors who helped keep this show free. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Let's talk to Sarah, 35, in Arkansas. She has some fun summer sex stories.

Yay, Sarah. Tell me about your summer sex. Hi, I'm a great. Hi, Sarah. Hi, so how's it going? I'm so good. I can't wait to hear. I'm so glad you're having sexy summer sex.

Yeah, nothing like some good hot summer sex, Brad. Yes, girl. Yes. Tell me everything. Okay. I've been married for, and 13 years this summer, we've got three kiddos, and we're actually clothing on a new home tomorrow. And it has been really fun to just have, to know that like, okay, these are the last few knots we're gonna have

in this house that we've lived in for almost a decade. And let's just have some good sex to kind of commemorate that all the leveling you have for the house that's been really good. That's meaningful. And then we're gonna have new house sex. Tell me about one memory from your old house, from your sex to celebrate the old house sex.

Anything fun? Would you do? Yeah, so right away, so one of the first things that we did in the old house was kind of krypton, each ring. Mashed the bathroom, good kind of Kristen each rain. Mammish the bathroom. Good to see you. So that's a really good number eight.

That's a good thing. Good work, good work. Yeah, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. Sarah, congratulations. Really, buying a big house is a big step. A new house, a new chapter. You did it. Sarah, congratulations. Really, buying a house is a big step. A new house, a new chapter. So congratulations. And here's to one of more years of great sex. Thanks, Sarah.

Thanks for calling. So it's almost Labor Day, which I can't believe it. Like where did the summer go? And I know I feel that sometimes every year I'm like, how is it already labored? But really, this year was, you know, not quite the typical summer. It's also interesting because, yes,

it's back to school time, but maybe your kids aren't going back to school. Like they're not literally, they're going back to Zoom. I think we still have to make the most about what is left, you know, of the summer. But in thinking about the summer winding down, I want to know if you've hit any items on your sex bucket list. Maybe you don't have a sex bucket list.

But I'm going to give you some ideas here because I got an email from Instagram, 31-year-old. He said, he needs some staycation planning. How do you plan a sexcation? Do I just plan it? Do we do it together? He's 31 and married. So I got to think in. How do we plan a sexcation? Do I just plan it? Do we do it together? He's 31 and married. So I got to think in. How do we plan a great staycation? I have a few ideas for you. I have a subscription box, which has been on a hold during quarantine. It's actually a staycation sex box because I know a lot of you are home for the summer. Are you staying at home or trips are canceled? And it's really cool because you get a little card from me

explaining the way to work everything. There's a vibrator in there, there's some massage oil, there's loobs. There's just all the fun things that I always talked you about in a box that are made perfect for your summer staycation. So that's just one thing, and then you also get it four times a year. That's at sexathemely.com slash box,

if you want to check it out. But let's talk about some ideas, because if you aren't taking a trip this year like you normally would have maybe you always go on vacation, but now you couldn't, what do you do that sort of spice things up or makes a little bit different? And now I think we have to remember this,

that typically when we're thinking about, well, what would be a bucket list or how do we keep it interesting? It has to do with novelty. And that could even just be a matter of spicing it up. You don't have would be a bucket list? Or how do we keep it interesting? It has to do with novelty. And that could even just be a matter of spicing it up. You don't have to have a bucket list, but it typically comes down to doing something that is novel.

Something that is a little bit outside of your routine, I think that right now more than ever, if you've noticed this, this is really the time to use our imagination and to have fun. Because that's something we have control of. We have control use our imagination and to have fun. Because that's something we've control of. We have control of our imagination and what we want to happen. We can pretty much make things happen. So the first easy thing, hook up somewhere new. So outside the bedroom, I don't care if it's in the kitchen, if it's in the pantry in the kitchen. I have a friend who has three kids. She lives in Chicago.

She called me and she said, guess what we did. My husband and I, the kids were all watching TV and doing something and she pulled them into the pantry. It's like a walking pantry in the kitchen and they had like a cookie in the pantry. And it was novel and it was different. It was unexpected. They've been together like 15 years

and she was like, well, don't in the pantry. So suck up somewhere new. Just change the location. You could do some teasing. So this is what I love it. I think there is the lost art of the tease. Like when was the last time you did a build up toward sex? You sort of sent your partner a sexy text.

Maybe it's a picture of you in a certain position and telling them what you're waiting for when they come home. Whispering in their ear, what you want to do, like maybe you're at a family picnic that's going to end soon and you're like, we get home. I'm going to give you a the most incredible sexy back rub, something like that. Use your imagination. I'm myself I'm considering taking a road trip because just seems safe for these days. Hook up under the stars. You could even do this in

your backyard. You could put down a blanket, light some candles, give each other a sexy massage. I'm really obsessed with this XN's massage oil. It comes in all these flavors. If you've been looking for a sexy massage oil, it comes in a great bottle, it's a great gift, but it's not oil. It feels like oil, but it's super smooth on your skin. They also have a really cool lube that tastes them. They have this raspberry lube, I have it right here. Sometimes I eat it when I'm hungry in the middle of the show. They have this raspberry lubricant that tastes,

like you're like, why would I want raspberry? Just taste it, it is such great tasting, Loub. So getting something novel and like putting out some tea lights, laying down a blanket outside in your backyard, and then like putting some, you know, oil on your partner and massaging their body, surprising them with that, and then switching terms, you know,

under the night sky is, you know, a beautiful thing to do. And it's something different. I don't think I can emphasize enough the art of the tease, the art of of massage because we listen, a lot of us are not in the mood for sex or stressed out. We have things to worry about. The kids are around. We're worried about work, money, finances, all the things.

But when you just get your hands on your partner and you start to like kind of calm them, even if it's like a 10 minute massage, what it does is, now is it feel good, but it calms the nervous system. And you'll find that your mood can completely change. And then you'll totally be in the mood for anything. Maybe it's just a massage at night or maybe you find once you breathe into the massage, oh, actually, I'm in the mood for sex. All this touching actually got me in the mood for it.

It's sort of one of these things that I think we forget to do. This is what I'm about. I'm reminding you about how to have sex a little bit of sex this summer. That's what we're talking about here. Oh, here's a great one. It's still really hot in lots of places. It's super hot in Los Angeles. Temperature play.

Now temperature play is really fun because what you could do is here's some scenarios. You could take an ice cube. You could blindfold your partner so they don't only know what's coming and you can incorporate this with the misogyn oil. You say, you know babe, I got this. I want you to lay down, put a blindfold over them

or use a handkerchief which we all have right now, right, bandana. And then you can have a little bowl of ice cubes. Oh, I have the best idea. Put a bowl of ice cubes next to the bed, and then you can get some of this XNs, also makes this warming massage oil in the most unbelievable flavors. But it's temperature-placed.

So you could first take an ice cube and put it in your mouth like little ice cube, and then you could let that ice cube, you could either let that drip onto their skin. You could also take it and drag it across their chest. You could tease them with it. You could just take it out of your mouth and your mouth's really cold and you can perform oral. Then you could take some of the warming massage oil and warm them down with some warm

oil. You could also do this with a massage candle. We've got a bunch of those as well as our site. Massage candles are really fun because it's atmosphere, you light it for a few minutes and then you blow it out and then you like pour it on your partner. It's like this warm, it's not a regular candle. Don't do it with a regular candle, because that hurts. But a massage candle is just like luxurious oil,

like it turns into oil, it's not waxy, or messy, or sticky, or hot. So doing this thing of like playing with an ice cube, swirling it around in your mouth, playing with hot and cold are all things you can do this summer or this weekend. Those are some of my tips. Let's talk to Jonathan 45 in Iowa.

Hi, Jonathan. What's going on? Hi, Emily. How you doing tonight? So good. Tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling. Yes. Actually, I started listening to you actually probably about two weeks ago. Welcome. Actually working in Iowa helping try to get people's lives back together after

the big storm but caught on to your ex-some-serious channel, been listening to some of your old episodes and some of your ones from yesterday. But I just want to make a comment for all the males that listen out there and go ahead and back you when I say that using sex toys on your female partner is wonderful and great. I just want to tell all the males that in my 20 plus years experiencing sex through marriages or through women using sex tools, I look at them like, and I tell them in this all the time, or my friends, it's like working on your car, you know. You've got different tools for different jobs on a car. You shouldn't feel intimidated, and your number one, of course, is to pleasure your other partner regardless of what you use.

Exactly, John. It is a job gets done yes the job gets done and there's different toys there's different stores you can go to uh... you can probably remember well i don't know i'm probably a lot older than you but uh... back when i was younger you know going to uh... sex you know adult toy store with sort of creepy and a lot of strangers hanging around there and guys and trench coats. But now you get adult stores that are cleaner than some of the Walmart's in Target you're going to.

It's so true. That can help you, you know? Exactly. Oh my God, Jonathan. You got to come work for us. This is amazing, Jonathan. It's true though. Yeah, I know.

I grew up in Michigan and there was this one off the highway. I think it was called like pink lady or something. I don't know if it was called, but it was so sketchy. It was like pinking black. I was driving to college. It was like a pink light flashing with a naked woman. And then, yeah, same thing like men and trench coats. You have to go to the back of the store.

I was at the hotel, I was like, no, they're like beautiful stores that you walk in. It's like totally fine. There's so many toys. Yeah, and it's just another tool in your toolkit and your sexual toolkit. Exactly, Jonathan. Yes, thank you. And the other thing too is I just want to say, yes,

a loop is important instead of having one loop on your night stand. You should have multiple loops because there's different loops for different situations. Exactly. Oh my God, love this, Jonathan. What's your favorite loop?

Do you silicone or water-based? To be honest with you, my favorite loop is whichever loop the woman I'm with feels comfortable with because not all women are the same. True. There's some great water-based ones. Some women are more sensitive. Thank you, Jonathan.

You sound like a very evolved, open sexual man. I wish that you know, I hope a lot of men are listening to this and they're inspired right now that it's all just sex. It's all about pleasure. Why not do what makes everyone feel good? Don't go anywhere. There's more sex with Emily coming right up. We also got a question from Hector 32 in San Bernardino, California.

He has a question about loop shooter tips and you're probably going, what the hell's a loob shooter? Well, you know that I'm a huge fan of loob. I think that loob is so underrated and that a lot of you just don't have loob. You don't have quality loob. You only use it if there's a huge problem, but I believe that every sex act is highly improved by adding a few drops of loob. Well, he said, my wife and I have recently been having a lot of pegging

sex lately, meaning that she is penetrating him with a dildo in his anus. That's what it means. I just recently heard the relax, it's just anal episode. That was the first time I've heard about lube shooters. My question is, when applying the lube, do we insert it all the way in? Me and then eject the loob. Also for the loob, tablet, what brand do you suggest? All right.

I wish I had a loob shooter here, but I don't. But that was a really fun episode. Relax, it's just anal. We had Alisa Sinclair on from BVib. Her company is all butt plugs. She's literally like, nope, I'm not going to anything but butt plugs, I'm gonna do a loop shooter, and I'm gonna do it right. So a loop shooter just kinda looks like a syringe,

but it has a loop in it. So what you do is you fill it up with loop. My favorite loop for this is pure loop. They're actually the official anal loop sponsor of sex with Emily, but they make a silicone loop called analese. You pour a little bit into the loop shooter and you can use this in your vagina as well.

But if you put it in the anus, you want to go about halfway in and you want to fill the loop shooter up halfway as well. You put it halfway in, you want to put it all the way in and then you just kind of slowly release it and then there's like no mess, there's no cleanup, you know that you are well lubricated, because remember, remember, your anus is not self-lubricated. And so that's when tears happen,

that's when anal sex can be super painful. So you want to always prepare for anal and I love the idea of a loop shooter and you can get loop shooters for like 12 bucks in some places, which isn't a problem at all. That's a 12 bucks for a loop shooter. I have a loop shooter at the office. That's another reason to go back to the office. I wanna get a loop shooter and I wanna try it.

Let's do this email from Abby. She says, I've been dating a guy for about five months, and everything's going great for the most part. Trust him, I believe we've created a strong foundation. Although there's one thing that I cannot figure out how to navigate, he doesn't like being told what to do. While the sex is good, I feel like I'm putting in more effort. He's only gone down on me once.

Never tries to pleasure me in other ways besides with his penis. I've tried to tell him these are the things I would enjoy, but nothing's changed. How do I get him to put him more effort without him feeling like I'm telling him what to do? Let's break this down for Abby. I love when you guys start out like, everything's great. I love them to the best person ever, but there's one thing. Now to me, this isn't just one little thing, this is a big thing. I understand that there are a lot of people that don't want to just say men, but in this

case, I'm just going to say that don't want to take directions. I believe in some way it's because many men might feel and women feel this too, don't get me wrong. We don't want feedback when we're trying to be sexual because we feel that it means that we are somehow broken and men have so much, we're like failing in some way or we're less manly. And my heart goes out to men, say this all the time because you have so much pressure

in a heterosexual relationship, traditionally. Now times they are changing, but you have to make the first move, you have to plan the date, you're supposed to know what you're doing sexually. And then someone says to you, oh, baby, I want this. I want that. And then you're like, don't tell me what to do. I know my way around your body and what I want.

I'm thinking that's what it is. I have to think that's what it is. You can tell me if you ever not wanted to take instructions from someone and why in the bedroom. But Abby, you feel like you're putting in more effort. You probably are. You probably are. I think the person that you know,

and the fact that the only goes down and you once, and you told him, it's not that you're telling him what to do. Like let's break this down. I'm telling him what to do when he doesn't like it. I'm gonna change a language here. You're not telling him what to do. You're having a healthy conversation about your sex life, which you should be doing five months in. You should be doing them what to do. You're having a healthy conversation about your sex life, which you should be doing

five months in. You should be doing it five days in. And you're like, yeah, you know, this is, you know, hopefully you say it this way. You know, it's really hot when you go down to me. I love it. That's like one of my favorite things. And by the way, the majority of vulva owners, oral sex is one of their favorite things. Something with the external stimulation is what's going to do it for women.

If you're talking about orgasms, you're talking about the most pleasure. That's where all the nerve endings are on the outside of the vagina. Problem is a lot of people don't have this information. That only 20% of women are going to orgasm from a penis. So he doesn't know any of this. He's like the majority of men who haven't listened to this show, who haven't ever researched on their own. They're just going off of porn,

and they're going off of what they might have learned from a friend, or what they've seen that penetrative sex is the magic. That's what we're all working towards. Four plays just that. It's four before the sex, before the sex. It's not the actual sex. Four plays, the boobs, they'll play with the breast, before the sex. It's not the actual sex. For play, the boobs, they'll play with the breast,

going down, that's just a warmup. That's the appetizer, but the magic is in the penetration. Penis goes into vagina, and that's where it happens. Now, I understand why that is a belief. I understand why people feel that way, because that's all we see. But in fact, we say penis vagina, when really it's penis clitoris.

It's penis clitoris. The clitoris is where most women are going to have orgasms and plethora. So regardless, your boyfriend is still believing this old model and this is what makes sense to people. They're like, well, this is what's going to happen. So you just have to educate him, Abby. I would say outside the bedroom, you guys know, like I believe the best conversations about sex happen

with timing and tone and turf under consideration. You want to do it at a right time when you're not stressed out and fighting about something else or you're frustrated that you're partnered and do something right time. When you're not hungry, you're not anxious, you're not pissed off. And then your tone is always curious and light and say, you know what, babe, this is, oh God, our sex has been, you know, I so love when we're like making out, things are great and you know what I really, I know I've told you this, but what really gets me turned on,

like what I fantasize about when you're not here is the way you go down to me. It is so hot. That thing you've done, that one time you did it, whatever. But you don't want to be like, you never do it. I've told you this five times because nobody changes their it, whatever. But you don't want to be like, you never do it. I've told you this five times, because nobody changes their behavior that way. They just don't. The second you get that tone, because I'm talking about tone, it's curious.

It's light. It's not nagging. It's not saying you never do this and you don't do that, because that puts our partner on the defensive. Defensive. And then it's turf. It is outside the bedroom. It is not when it happened again.

He just stuck his penis inside of you. He did three pumps. He came and he rolled over and he're like, you know what? I really wish you would have gone down to me again. And I know that's when you want to have the conversation because you're frustrated, has to happen later. That's my advice for you because you're asking me Ab Abby, how do I get him to put a more effort without him feeling like I'm telling him what to do?

Well, you could even say to him outside the bedroom, let's talk about our sex life. It's been five months in. You could even say to him, here's a great icebreaker for this conversation. What's your three most memorable time would you've had sex? And then guess what, Abby?

You can say to him, well here's mine, one of them can be that time you went down to me. And then you could even from there say, and I really love when you go down to me. I mean, reinforce it in an environment where you're exchanging information and you're having a healthy conversation.

That's when our partner can start to hear us. That's when we can start to have healthy conversations around sex rather than the ones that are just go nowhere and we feel like our partner is not listening to us again. You guys call me every night. I told my partner that I needed her to initiate more and she just hasn't done it. I told him blah, blah, blah.

Well, it's not working because I believe, I genuinely believe that we're all good at people, that we all come onto the planet, we all born to this earth, we're good people. If we're in a relationship with someone, why would we be in a relationship with someone deciding that we're gonna be a bad lover? Like, I'm gonna, I love this person, I'm gonna be with Abby,

but I'm just not gonna get, meet any of her needs, I'm never gonna go down in her and I don't care if she is an orgasm. Like, I don't think that her partner is walking around thinking that Abby highly doubt it, but the disconnect is that there's just not enough information that he has an education around like what works for you. And I'm not even saying this is every woman.

Like, what Abby works for you, what's a big turn on. And I think that we have to all remember that our partners are not mind readers. They're maybe assuming on what little information they have about sex is what's going to turn you on and most of the time again. Everything we mostly learned about sex until this point isn't true, it doesn't work, it's not working for Abby. So, you know, what is the one thing that you want your partner to do more of? Now, it could be in the bedroom or anywhere else.

What's that one thing that you want them to do more of that they're not? Okay, this is from Instagram, our Instagram is Sex with Emily. It's from a female and she says, is it okay to always bring a literal vibrator into the bedroom if that's the only way you can finish with a partner. I love this question. So many women I know just keep their vibrators to themselves and we leave it in our little

drawer, you know, but in our nightstand and we're like, well, I have to just either fake this orgasm or pretend it's okay that it's an orgasm, but I know there's this little powerful little magic right next to my bed, but I don't want my partner to feel bad about orgasm or pretended it's okay that it's an orgasm. But I know there's a little powerful, little magic right next to my bed, but I don't want my partner to feel bad about it. I don't want to feel shame. What is wrong if that is the only way you can orgasm? You're having an orgasm. Does it matter how it happened? Can we please let go of the fact that every orgasm is supposed to happen with a penis inside of a vagina? If I'm telling you, it only happens 20% of the time. Why are we so caught up that that's what it is?

That's how it has to happen. I say, yeah. What I'm telling you is that you definitely want to talk to your partner ahead of time and say, hey, you know, I've got this toy. It feels really good. What I do is I'll be like, check out my toy, like right when we're starting to like,

flow around. And then I pull it out. I'll just say, look at this toy. And first off, so many men that they're expecting a huge giant dildo, it's gonna be bigger than them because that's how they picture verbiars. Then I turn it on and then I'll slowly get out some massage oil and I'll start to move it over their body,

over their chest, I'll start to tease them with it, I'll make out with them and then I'll have it on their neck and I just, they're like, whoa, that feels so good. Because vibrations feel great all over your body. Our bodies are covered in nerve endings. So why just rely on our hands, right? And I'm doing that either. You can just use, so I just show them.

And then I'll tease them. I'll use it on maybe on their shaft. If I'm going down to them, I'll tickle their balls with it. It becomes our toy. we're doing it together. Then when we're starting to have, you know, the penetrative sex should happen, then we're still using the toy, it's still my hand, and then I'll like,

okay, and here's how it goes on my clitoris, and that's how you do it. And I can't imagine that that should be a problem. So to answer your question, Amber, female from Instagram, I think it's always okay to bring it into the bedroom as long as you introduce it. You don't just like, sometimes I think, you don't think about it.

Anyone gets up in the middle of sex. You're like, what happened? What are we doing? You have to have it out already. Let's introduce it to him, right? It's like going up to a dog or something. You can go up and you're like, warm up, you just go up and pick up a dog.

Oh, this is my analogy. But you're like, hey, come here. You can smell my hand, they'll let me pet you. Same thing, you're like, look at this toy, isn't it cute? Like this little pink and then you show it to them and they're like, oh yeah, that's fun. Show me that and it feels good to them. So if it feels good on them,

they're not going to let me care that you're using it. All right, I gotta go, but don't worry, I'll be back soon with more sucks with Emily. You guys, there's so much more to talk about. that you're using it? at sexwithemily.com. Find us on all social media. It is at sexwithemily.