Sex With Emily - Steamy Showers and Orgasmic Powers

Episode Date: July 8, 2017

Everyone has a different definition when it comes to “great sex.” What constitutes it? What makes it kinky, or what keeps it vanilla? The variety of answers go on and on. On today’s show, Emily is helping listeners like you figure out what great sex means to them and how to talk to their partners about it! How do you enhance intimacy with your partner after severe medical issues? Can men train themselves to be multi-orgasmic? What are some tips on navigating your girlfriend’s somewhat jealous demeanor? Emily helps callers with these sex and relationship worries, and more. Plus, she gets on the phone with Julie from Sportsheets to talk about how to make your shower time dirtier than ever. It’s the summer show you won’t want to miss! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Magic Wand, System JO, Womanizer,  and Sportsheets Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's Show I'm Helping You Navigate Your Sex, Saving and Relationship Questions. Topics include tips to enhance intimacy, how to get your partner out of the vanilla sex zone, multi-organic men, ooh, and we're excited to talk to the president of sports sheets, Julie Stewart, about the latest kinky sex trends. All this and more, Thanks for listening. You're just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Is it a common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between.

For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Once you get there, you can easily subscribe to the podcast and you can check out our blogs or posts. Everything you do is all about you having better sex and relationships. I love when you follow me on social media, connect with me on Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, it's all at Sex with Emily Owen of course Facebook. And yeah, download our podcasts, say hello, love hearing from you, all the good stuff. Hey guys, so you know that I like talking about kink, right?

I mean, kinky stuff, because I'm a little kinky. I have my kinky moments, and I think that kink, even just the word though, is so misunderstood. I think especially with 50 shades of gray and the confusion between like what does BDS M mean, is it about pain, or like what does kink mean? And I feel like if we just like it kink and we think you know what kink can be just anything that's not in your comfort zone.

And I, it could just be like oh, I've never, you know, given my partner a massage. That could be kinky for you. Or I've never put a condom on my partner with my teeth on. Or I've never used a tickler. Maybe you've never blindfolded your partner, or you've never used sensation play like a little feather that tickles them and like sort of stimulates all their rodent zones. That's what we're talking about. It's that how do we mix things up? How do we do things different? How do I feel sensations that I've never felt before? To me, that's kink and everyone gets to decide what it means to them. And I'm so excited to talk to Julie Stewart, who's the owner and president of sports sheets,

because they just get sacks. They understand your body, your desires, and they keep coming up with ways that you can take your sex life to the next level. So let's talk to Julie. This is Julie Stewart, the owner and president of sports sheets. So Julie, thank you for joining us. It's so great to be here.

I know it's so great, but I want to jump in because for a second, we were trying to call you on the main line, and I have your number because you know each other. You're at an old friend of the show, and we're both from Michigan, the whole thing. I was telling people that, but I opened up my email and my text and the last one I sent you was a snap chat we did of us. I said, it says productivity down, thanks to sports sheets, and it was Jamie who works for me, hanging on the door jam sex swing on our door. It was really funny, and you're like, yeah, that happens. Because we made a promise.

I know. That's the last time I talked to her. We get this swing out here and put it on a door. Everybody, you know, even though we're kind of used to it, if you're walking down the hallway, you have to do a double take. Exactly. It's amazing. So I was like, that's the last time we talked.

So anyway, it's thank you for calling in. And I'm excited to have you on. And I just want to say that the reason why I wanted to talk is because the last few months, we know we notice trends, right? We get a lot of different questions. But lately, it's been about kink, like more and more. People like, what can I do? How do I try kink? How do I spice it up? And it just seems like people are make it so difficult. And I'm always like, you guys, it's almost like people are trying to listen to podcasts. And they're like, it's so hard. How do I download a podcast?

I'm like, it's on your phone, Google it. It's like, it's a podcast app, search it. You know, and you press play. And I'm like, it's kind of like, sports sheets products are the same thing for kink that don't make it so difficult. You don't need to learn all these fancy moves. Like you guys make it accessible and sexy.

So I'm like, you guys, just get some handcuffs, get, you know, so. Right, right. I think starting easy is always the best because I remember being much, much younger and being kind of new to this. And, you know, maybe you've seen a movie or you get this fantasy and you want to try to act it out. And, um, oh my god, I remember a particular time with a boyfriend where we tried something and I was like like that was a disaster

That came out nothing like I thought it would So you know, I don't know if we could have talked about it and that would have made it better What did you do? I think that's what people are afraid of they don't want it to go bad They don't want it to be the last time because it went so bad right and We just get so nervous, I think, about sex and something new, or that maybe our partner is gonna think we're weird.

Right, for even asking for it. I think that we just overthink the whole thing because here's the thing, I think that if people know it's enough to ask and think about it, that I wanna try something kinky, I wanna spice it up. Cause really, it's not that they need a dungeon, like they just might wanna have a blindfold or handcuff, but I think that people are like, it has to be perfect, they overthink it, they just think

they're just very scary, bearded, entry, and sex, you know, it's not perfect. There's nothing about it that's perfect, and it's okay if you're trying something new is what makes it so interesting, so you might fail, you might laugh, and then you get into it, and then you're like, wow, that was really friggin hot. And I think you'll see it's right. You know, like, I don't know why we do this. So you guys make it easy. I love your, I just, I'm like, just get some underbed restraints. Like, I have them. They're always ready to go.

And what's the problem and then tie her up, you know? Right, right. I think that, I think that is it. I think it's a little bit easier now, maybe in the last five to 10 years. You know, there's more conversation about it. There's women like you that are out there saying hey this is okay kind of giving people permission even though people have been doing it all along anyway right I think when we started twenty five years ago you know all we had was like law and order and

pulp fiction right to go along when we thought you think about bondage and you know everybody would say oh that like kinkback then was like a dirty word oh that's kinky stuff and i don't even think we know you know we know what we meant back then but it was just oh it's scary it's not normal therefore i'm not going to be associated with that i'm not going to try that yet when we look at the numbers people are definitely trying it and i think what we discovered was that whole kind of middle of the bell curve where people do just want to try something they're not maybe gonna have a dungeon in their house any day

but they want to keep it exciting fresh and that's totally what we're about our motto keeping couples connected uh... and you you know you've got to keep that spark so i think whether it's new or well i think you know long marit right and here's the other thing that I want to say, because I think that kink people back then, it was misunderstood, and even though people hear about it now,

they still don't completely understand it. So what they know is, they might be thinking that it's this really scary thing or BDSM, but it's really just about, I think the word kind of is a disservice in some ways, because like, no, no, you want to spice it up, you want to keep it interesting. Who doesn't love a blindfold every once in a while, or like a tickler, or, you know, if you've never tried it, you know, or did the spanked.

I mean, there's just little people that don't understand that there could be so much pleasure and it doesn't do this whole crazy thing. So how do you guys- And I think we get the science of it more now, you know, that there's scientific stuff behind why this is sexy and why people get turned up because- Can you talk to me about that? Let's talk about the science for a second in a sexy Yeah, I think you know our brains respond in different ways especially because our brains are so are so linked to our senses whether it's our skin, sight, taste,

smell Or sound all of that stuff stimulates our brains and and when the brain is stimulated in different ways It's gonna release different chemicals and then we're gonna have different chemicals. And then we're going to have different feelings. And we've learned that one of the things that makes touch whether it's a caressing or maybe a spanking, what that does is it triggers the brain, the brain's pleasure senses. So the more touch we have, whether it's just hugs

or getting a massage or just rubbing our partner, that's going to release that dopamine. We're going to have that flood of feeling good. We know the science says that it reduces stress. It's good for you. So that's what you get from just touching. Imagine when you're connecting, when you're having sex, when you're having oral sex, when you're spanking,

and you're actually increasing blood flow. I mean, you're really kind of flooding your brain with these sensations that are then just, you know, creating these amazing feelings in your body. Right. And it's more pleasurable. And it enhances intimacy. And I think people don't realize that, that it is like the cuddling yard is like sex.

It's just another experience, just another journey on the whole path of, you know, sexual expansion, like try and discover these new, erotic zones. Like, they're going to feel amazing. You're going to feel relaxed. You're going to have these, you know, these seasons. Like I've seen in's sounds, like they're gonna feel amazing, you're gonna feel relaxed, you're gonna have these pieces and stuff. Like I've seen in your videos, you've talked about when you close your eyes when you have a blindfold on, your other senses increase.

And we've looked at that too, the brain kind of rewires itself from a stimulus perspective in that now all of your other senses are heightening to try to kind of figure out what's going on. You're, you know, from an evolutionary standpoint, your brain's on high alerts for danger, but that also makes it more exciting. So things sound louder, things feel more intense on your skin when you can't see and there's, there's science behind that.

So, you know, kind of like with so many other sexual myths, when we really look at what's going on in the body, so much of this stuff is normal and even healthy. Right, exactly. It's like normalize it. That's what I love that you guys do. So tell me how you would start if someone was like, okay, I want to get into kink.

I've never, you know, they meet you when you're out. Your job is probably just as difficult to explain as mine. And you feel like, okay, this is what I do. We go through the same things. Is that, and they're like, okay, this is what I do. We go through the same things. Is that, and they're like, so much easier now that I'm older than it was when I was like, I think I was like 23 when I started. And it was such a long time ago.

You know, I was just terrified to tell people what I did. No, we're both from Michigan. So we got that, you know, going over Christmas. Right, right, right. What's going on with work, right? It's hilarious, but now I mean, now, now has a come a long way. But let's say say people you meet people and they're like okay I kind of want to start we've been wanting to spice things up our sex life you know sometimes

we talk dirty we watch porn but we want to do something a little kinky we're where would you tell them to go I always have my sports sheets like obsessions and my recommendations but I want to hear what you the founder owner would say. Yeah, I want to hear your go to too. You know, when I think of like a blindfold and a feather or some spankings, to me that's so, I don't even really think of that as kink. To me that's more sensation. Although I know for some people who, you know, I'm a little jaded

because I am so used to talking about sex and the stuff is so normalized to me. So I do have to be careful because I forget that. You know, I'm sure you too. Oh yeah. I'm like, oh wait, people don't know this. I'm like, OK, back up, back up, blindfold, right. That's so funny.

Right, OK, it's absolutely true. So you would tell them, OK, so I read the tickler. I like that. I like that. The feather. The tickler or just something, we have the ticklers. We have crops. We have paddles.

We have little floggers. But I think anything that isn't your hand is something different. Right. So if you blindfold your partner and you're touching them with something different, you don't have to spank. I love to recommend, take another paddle and drag it across your partner's nipples or slightly tap their, their genitals or you don't have to start with pain. Right. A lot of it is about

the patient. Right. It's trying to pleasure and sensation. Something different. It's like, oh, that's not my partner's hand or mouth. It feels different. That's exciting. Right. And then I think you mentioned the under the bed. That's just the go to. It's so easy. You know, it's just restraints under your bed. They wrap around. They're soft. It's not scary. It's not metal, you're in bed, you can be playful and you take turns tying each other up. And then it's about providing pleasure and creating excitement and anticipation and maybe you take a little bit longer than you normally would or maybe you tease your partner and

you don't push them over the edge quite as soon. You kind of make them wait. They have to kind of submit to you. And there's a trust in that and an excitement because it can be a little frightening as well. Yeah, it can be. And I feel like, but again, that's that overthinking thing. It's like, there's these velcro, it's velcro coughs.

You know, because it was funny, because I was talking about them the other day, we had someone call in and I was like, no, under the bed restraints and they're like, what, and you're right, it seems like it's this whole thing, but they're made of the vinyl with the cuff, you can just tuck them underneath, they're always there. So I'm like, they're accessible.

And then you put the cuff on and it's like, you just lie back and see what happens. You don't have to be studying how to close a Velcro cuff. Like it's the easiest thing to use and then you're trying bondage, because so many women email me lately, they're like, I just know I parted, I like like hold my hands over my head like what if you had these cuffs anyway you guys make it that's what I love is that you they're always available

to give you like the lazy person like me like they're always under my bed and the other thing I'm obsessed okay so sex and you're sex in the shower line I I'm waiting to get the latest products I mean I've been a fan of it for years because you I mean who thinks of this the vibrating mesh sponge is so brilliant. I think I was like talking to health men. I got into a few magazines because I was like, you don't understand. I thought that it was my regular mesh sponge because I have like a few of them and it looks just like the regular ones that you buy, like the poofs.

And then I love that it has the vibrator in the middle. So I just truly was using it like my regular one and then I found out, oh my God, bonus. It's the vibrating mesh sponge. I will try this and have an orgasm angit clean. It's brilliant. So thank you. So disagree. And I love that about it.

You could have it. Your kids aren't going to know what it is. The bullet is so hidden inside, but it's such a strong bullet. I know. And you can use it by yourself. You can use it with your partner. It's a great, very great, perfect for the college dorm. I mean, you can take it to the shower, nobody's gonna know.

Once the water's on, you can't hear the vibrations anyway. Oh my God, that's truly, that's genius. My niece is going away to school, and I'm gonna get her, this is a graduation present. For the dorms, it's brilliant. I've never even heard that before. Okay. Yeah, to relieve all the stress of those finals

and starting school. It's amazing, no, you're right right because they have to hide it all. And then the other thing that I love is all the suction cups for the shower. Like how smart is that? When we look at the adults, people have sex in the shower. We think it's the number two place where people have sex. And we found that people with kids love to have sex in the shower because the shower makes noise. You actually can get some privacy from your kids in the bathroom and you can get in there and you can be clean.

You know it's a great place for backdoor play because if you're kind of we miss about clean, do it in the shower. You can wash your hands. You can wash each other. You know, you've got that water of rinse everything away so you don't have that stress. So we kind of see that for the shower shower you need lube because that's hard It's hard to stay wet in the shower things dry out exactly leverage you need something to hold on to because who hasn't pulled down a shower curtain All these stories like I got a concussion. I'm like no just get these coughs for your

Hi, and then you know later the whole clean part, staying clean, feeling clean. So yeah, and the other thing about Sex and the Shower, and then I want to ask you about all the fun products you have coming out, but the wrap up for Sex and the Shower is that the reason why it keeps coming up more is because it's summer and it's hot, and everyone's like, what do I do? And I'm like, have more Sex and the Shower, and then buy these products for your shower. So if you guys, everyone keeps asking me, that's video. Get hot and dirty in the shower.

Okay, Julie, so listen, tell me about the new products coming out. I'm so excited. We've got lots of toys for backdoor play in the shower, which is a great place to experiment with that. We've got a great silicone flapper so that you can have some fun with sensation play in the shower. We've got our existing great handles and footrests. So if you want to try the rock climber position,

where you've got your hand up and your foot up and your partner's grabbing you from behind. In the shower? You've got all that leverage for great thrusting without great tiles or shower heads. Oh my God, I don't even know about this one. I used to be a rock climber. I can assume the position.

Exactly, that's amazing. I assume the position. Wait, you have to get these to me. This is amazing. OK, what else? What else? Excited. And then we've got different things for different sensation. Exactly, amazing. I feel the position. Wait, you have to get these to me. This is amazing. Okay. What else? What else? Excited.

And then we've got different things for different sensation. Like we've got the vibration. We've got some warming liquids. We've got, again, the anal stuff. We've got some handcuffs. So if you want to play with some suction cup, neoprene handcuffs, there's just a little bit of everything to keep it hot and keep it safe and keep it fun in the shower or like you said it's hot out this summer get in there and cool down

exactly cold shower and You know heat up your insides. Right exactly. I love it. Julie I remember when I don't even think I knew yet But when you guys came out, I was like this is the most brilliant like because up until that time I was like I know it's dangerous section the showers overrated and I'm like no now There is a line of toys for to was like, I know it's dangerous, sex and the shower's overrated. And I'm like, no, now there is a line of toys for it to make it better. So it's genius.

That's delicious. It's great fun. It's a great way to connect with your partner. Or even just with yourself, there's plenty of things that you can use by yourself or with your partner. Right. Or with multiple partners. Exactly.

Have an orgy in the shower. Right. You just need to be able to shower. Yeah, exactly. Whatever you got to do? Maybe not at the gym though. Although it's LA, I hear some stories about some crazy movies in the gym. I know, well I am excited. I wanted to and Tom did a great show. If you guys, if you were listening, your brother Tom was on the show and he told us the whole history of the Cheylov of your company and how it got started. Thank you for joining us today.

This is awesome. It was great. Thank you so much for having me. I always love catching up with you. I know me too. And I'm going to see you soon. We're going to hang out and you're going to show me all the toys. And we're going to take some great videos

so people can see what's coming up. As porcelain. OK, thank you so much, Julie. I'll talk to you soon. I'll see you soon. Bye. I love talking to Julie for the sports sheets. And if you're not

inspired now to go out and get a vibrating mesh sponge so you can have an orgasm and be hang out in the shower, I think it's a good one. Also, I didn't even get to talk to her positioning straps. If you guys Tom was on the show, who also, who's her brother, but he talked about the G-Spot link and Doggy Style straps, which again, they're always innovating if you haven't vined with G-Spot yet, or you want to mix up your doggie style. You just got to check out all their cool products. So thank you Julie. That was awesome.

You guys want to know more click on the sports cheats banner on my site and send me any questions you have. So you guys, we are going to be taking your calls here. So we've got Nancy. She's 26 from North Carolina. And she wants to talk about increasing her libido and intimacy when she's dealing with the partner's illness. Hi, Nancy.

Hi. Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling in. Tell me how it can help you today. There is what I'm calling is. My husband and I, we've been married for been a little over two years now, and we've always

had a really great, amazing sex life. But my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of years ago, right before we got married. And since then, he's had surgeries, he's gone through radiation, and he's still currently doing chemo. And he's gone through so much, and he's still currently doing chemo. And he's gone through so much, and he's still going through so much. So I feel really selfish and insensitive

for even feeling like this, but I really miss having sex with my husband. I mean, we went from sex seven or eight times a week to maybe once or twice a month. And our lives now are just starting to get back to normal, and I really want to talk to him about what we can do to maybe improve or just start up again, maybe get back to where we were.

But the main reason we haven't been able to do is his seizure medication has completely affected his libido, it's completely blocked it. Right. So I want to find a good way to broach the subject without making them feel like I'm not happy or there's something wrong. I mean, he's my best friend. Right.

Of course. Well, my heart goes out to you both and I'm sending much love your way because it's not easy to, um, to sound easy at all to handle. He's been going through this for a few years now. Um, yeah. Okay. He had the initial surgery to remove the tumor. Uh, it's going to be three years ago. Okay. You had the initial surgery to remove the tumor. It's going to be three years ago.

Okay. I mean, so it's really common. I mean, that the medications and the chemo and the radiation are going to have a devastating impact on a sex life right now, in his libido and everything. And so I understand that you're feeling, of course, you've been there for him, but it's okay. Like, so I wouldn't beat yourself up, you're feeling desire and that you want to be with your husband and have sex with your husband.

You love him. The last thing I wanted for you to beat yourself up and feel like you're not being great, wife right now, I think what we're talking about is of course you want to have sex with him, but right now, you know, he's recovering. And so I would think the conversation would be about how to kind of just enhance your intimacy,

even without intercourse right now, but start with like the cuddling and the kissing and massage and connecting again in that way. I'm not sure how much of that you've been doing. Can you tell me about that part? Yeah, I mean, we're the couple that never got over our honeymoon phase. We're always holding hands and kissing. We make people want to throw up. It's just the love of my life. I know that it's completely stupid of me to even think this, but it's just, and I know that it's the medication, but it's like I'm starting to maybe take it a little personally.

Oh, okay. I know that it's not the case. I know 100% it's not the case, but it's just, I don't know, it's starting to get to me. Oh, honey, I understand. Have you had any therapy to talk to anyone about how you've been feeling these last few years? I'm sure you've been trying to care about them and had to put a lot of your life on hold? Yeah, I mean, we're both, um, luckily our careers are both pretty open, so we have a lot

of flex time, and he was going through a little bit of depression when he was first diagnosed. So we've been through therapy on and off for that, but I haven't really gone one on one and top. I think it's really important because I know that, being the spouse and I haven't taken care of you, you think that you're not making time for yourself because you just feel like that would make you feel selfish and it's wrong.

And I feel like right now more than ever, you really do need to take care of yourself because there's been a lot going on. I mean, emotions and it's scary. He's your best friend, he's your husband, he's your lover and so, and he's recovering right now, which is great and you guys are going to have, you know, a great life together moving forward. But right now, I feel like it's gotten to the point where you're feeling a little bit even resentment and a little bit rejection even though you know it's not really true and

you know it's not rational. I love your self-awareness. I have to say that you're a good person and you're loving and the fact that you're even self-aware of this is amazing. And I feel like it's not even so much about the sexes, but you accepting yourself right now and understanding really what's been going out with you because you probably haven't any time to feel your own emotions because you've been the caretaker. And this hasn't been an easy time. Our biggest issues right now, we have an 11-year age difference between us. We met when I was in my early 20s.

It was love of first sight, so it wasn't really that big of a thing. But he always thought that 20s are for having fun and one night stands and just getting that all out of your system until you want to sit on one. So he kind of feels that me taking all this on and dealing with all this, it's kind of, I guess, ruin my 20s. And he tells you this, he thinks this or you think he thinks. He thinks. No, he thinks.

Okay, and it's not true. How do you feel? Every time I object, he becomes a little sad because he says that it shouldn't have to be going through all this. But I mean, if I had to go through any of this, it would be with him. Right. Okay, so you guys are both really in love with each other. And I feel like what's going on is that you both have like this guilt.

You both love each other so much that you're really both feeling guilty. You know, you're feeling guilty that you're not doing enough. He's so worried about you losing your 20s and you're worried about him having sexual pleasure right now and being happy again and realizing that, you know, how much you love him. And you guys are going to be okay. And you are going to get through this. And it sounds like he's in recovery right now. There's not really a term, you're never really in remission from brain cancer.

Right. In addition. But he's still going to chemo. So right now it's very uncertain, you really don't know what's going to happen. And so I do feel like this is the time for you to get therapy or for you both to go back in a couple of therapy now because I feel like you've got the guilt and the shame and the worry and the fear and all around this that I think that there's insecurities building up and resentments that you might not be able to break through this without getting help

and a way to navigate this. And I know there's a lot of treatments available in the hospital too for patients and for family and there's courses they teach to classes you can go in teaching about sexuality and how to touch again and what that would actually is you know the impacts of the medication all that. Like have you have you looked into any of those resources? We've gone and we've tried to switch up the medications that that hasn't worked. We haven't really gone back to therapy in a while just basically because he's not really in a depressed state anymore.

Okay. He's more towards the initial shock of the diagnosis. I feel like you have to slow everything down right here. You don't have to solve everything. And I think just having a talk with him about it and saying, God, I really love connecting with you. What about like mutual masturbation? I mean, maybe not with the magic wand, but you could start with like some couples toys

because you know, give them a massage and really reconnecting with each other's bodies, using some like, you know, feathers or ticklers and just getting sensation back and connection which will heighten your adrenaline and will, you know, connect you guys, mean, even if you have an orgasm, you know, through the cortisol, like you kind of need that spike

right now, you need that intimacy and you need that connection. I don't even know if it has to be a big conversation. Do you think you'd be open to that? Even if you just started and say, you know what? I just want to connect with you again. I want to touch you or I want to masturbate and look at you and look into your eyes. I mean, what if you just started small with a few things like that to kind of reconnect

on an intimate level? I think that might work. Okay. I don't think you'd be into a conversation. I think the conversation would just up in a different conversation. Right. But I think that if I was a little more a lovy, dovy toward him,

or maybe that, now. Yes, he needs that now. Yeah, I think that you both need that connection again. And we forget. It's like you're in your head because you're worried. And you love him and you're thinking, what can I do? And you know, a lot of times we try to figure out sex problems in our mind and our head when really it's like you're in your head because you're worried and you love him and you're thinking, what can I do? And you know, a lot of times we try to figure out sex problems in our mind

in our head when really it's like, how does your body feel when you're sitting there and you look at him and you come home tonight and you think, you know what? I just want to touch you. I want to hold you. Like I want to give you massage and have some warm oil and just, you know, look at you and connect and probably fewer words and more touching. I think you guys start, yeah, that's what you gotta do. Okay. So I'm sending love to you. Please take it slow, baby steps.

You don't have to solve it all right now. And whenever you're in your head, worrying about the next step, I would just try to get into your body and connect with them. And I'm sending you both a lot of love. Thank you. Welcome. Thanks Nancy. I'm so glad that Nancy called in,

because I think a lot of us can relate to having a crisis in our relationship or you know someone gets sick or you know get a family member and someone we love and it's really can be challenging at so many levels and we're not taught how to deal with it. So we think okay I'm there for my partner but everything else should be working out our lives. No, I mean that's trauma in your life and that's change and that's you know she going through transition and it's confusing and there's a lot of emotions involved so I think by taking baby steps and taking care of each

other and not trying to make it all better at once. When things are rough and we're really struggling to put our sex lies back on track sometimes we have to take our sex lies off the table and say you know what we don't have to have intercourse right now but what we can do is cuddle, connect, massage, look into each other's eyes and go back to those roots of that early connection that you had and just kind of, you know, you got to stoke the fire of intimacy as well. And so, um, so she's got to do hair, sending love. Okay, we've got Jack. He's 29 from Fort Worth and he has some questions about dating a bisexual girl and dating straight

women and some differences between the two. I can imagine, hi, Jack. How's it going? Thanks for taking my two. I can imagine, hi, Jack. How's it going? Thank you so much for calling in. Let's talk about this. Tell me everything. I was dating a girl that was bisexual long distance for probably about a year.

Really great relationship, but distance made things really tough. So I ended up moving on to other girls. We were really open and honest about everything, and there wasn't really anything that was hidden or insecurities or sexual wants. And so I started dating this other girl that I've been with now for about a year and a half, and she's a lot more possibly inexperienced.

She hasn't dated a lot. She only dated one guy all the way through college. So I'm probably only her second, you know, long-term boyfriend ever at this biping in her mid-20s. So there's a lot of dysfunction kind of where we just don't we're not open about what we want. Actually, it all usually do like judgment or she gets kind of upset when I bring up kind of risque stuff or talk about other girls at all. So I just didn't know if you had any advice

for getting things on the open more, it's really tough to go from a girl who's pretty much open to everything, you know. Yeah. A little repressed. Yeah, exactly. That's quite a leap there. I mean, we tend to do that some times

in relationships. We break up with someone and then the pendulum swings away in the other direction, because maybe there was something about that past one that you might have wanted a woman. I don't know what you were looking for the next one, but the point is our challenges tend to go back and forth so we can learn from them. So here's a deal. If she doesn't have a lot of partners, and I heard some kind of, I heard some judgment in that from you. Just like she's only had two partners, and she's in her mid-20s, and I just want to say that's kind of normal.

That can be sort of, hey, using the word normal, but typical from what I'm hearing a lot these days. This is a woman that you found in your tractator you've been with her for over a year, you said? Yeah, about a year and a half. Okay, a year and a half. She's braiding about every other aspect because that's the one thing that's been kind of holding us back.

Right, well sex is big. That's not often even. Right, well here's the thing. This is what I always say about sex. People say, Emily, sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. No, no, it's not the thing. This is what I always say about sex. People say, I'm like, sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. I'm like, no, no, it's not the most important thing. But when there's a problem with sex,

it takes up to 90% of your problems. So even in the relationship, you know what I'm saying? Like, if you don't have an issue, you don't have an issue, if your sex life is great and you guys are communicating, but the fact that you're not being, your desires are not being fulfilled sexually by this partner, it's a problem.

So yeah, everything's great and you guys love hanging out and your best friends and your family loves her and you know, you see yourself having six children with her. If you're not enjoying the sex and you're not on the same wavelength, it's going to take some work. All I can say is that if she, you know, have you ever talked about sex? Not often, she's just a little bit, you know know, okay, said it's a touchy subject. Right. She's, she's, you know, she's growing up that she doesn't like talking about it that much. And there's just a lot of jealous. She said some abuse. She said some abuse. Sexual abuse.

Not sexual. I think physical from her dad. Okay. So there's just already a little bit of touchiness there. She thinks I was, you know, reckless and on the bad side when I was in college, just because I was with a handful of girls, didn't have one constant partner the whole time. And so it's just a really tough subject to bring up. And so to go from a girl who was comfortable bringing in other girls to the bedroom, you know, her, it's tough bringing anything up at all. Right. So it sounds like the case. So there's a lot of things going on here.

And I'm thinking, what do you love about her? Do you think she's the one? Her intelligence, her beauty, her, you know, she's a great, huge heart. We have a lot of common interests. There's so many different things about her that make her a 10. So yeah, I hope she's the one.

So here's my hope, so too. So here's the thing, Jack. Have you guys ever had sex that you would, you know, that was satisfying, pleasurable? For her, yeah, I mean, she wore thousands every time and then I could go to wife, but it's very vanilla, I would say. Right. And so see, okay, so there's a few things. If she's had some abuse or she's got an even, it wasn't sexual abuse, but she's got some

stuff going on with her dad and childhood, that stuff that, and if you think that's tied into her sexuality in some way or her sexual desires, this kind of thing is right. So if you know this, it's not anything Jack, no matter how much you lover and talk to her that you're going to be able to heal for her. She's going to have to do some work, some therapy because this, you know, trauma doesn't heal itself. Unfortunately, over time, the longer it goes, the more it exacerbates. So, she's not going to be open to talking about if she has unresolved trauma in her life. Okay, you got it. And if her dad was a player and she's got like, she has jealous issues because of her

dad, and you're saying, you know, she's jealous of you, it's like, that's another layer. And all the things that you've told her about your past, that's why I always say, more mystery, less history. You don't have to tell her about your crazy college days. Well, we all do that. I get it. People ask us and we tell, but then it comes back. It comes back to our face. So I feel like every couple, it's your duty for together. You can blame it on the show. You're listening to the show that you guys need to talk

about sex. I mean, it's important. And you can just say to her, I really feel like I want to have this deeper connection with you where I feel like you are having as much pleasure. And I'm having pleasure as possible. I want to feel connected to you. And then you might have to explain to her what that means.

Like if she thinks, well, God, Jack was the father of these chicks in college. He wants me to be bisexual and he wants me to be, you know, walk around with like, I don't know what, like a collar on. I mean, she might not know what you're even into. And so it might scare her. And so the conversation have to be, do you have a fantasize about anything? Is there anything that you think about when you're, you know, does she masturbates?

But does she have any fantasies or like, let's make a sex bucket list and trade of like, things that we could try this summer where we're on a road trip, you know, kind of make a discussion that you guys have? But I'm not sure she's there. So she might shut you down. Right, yeah, I know she doesn't masturbate on the round.

Okay. You know, I've tried to get her to do some adventure stuff, but I'd like to open the door to that, I know she doesn't masturbate on the round. Okay. I've tried to get her to do some adventure stuff, but I'd like to open the door to that. That's a gateway, possibly, to being more open sexually. I'm willing to try anything. Right. Well, I think it's literally a light casual conversation at a time that you're not in the bedroom.

You guys are hanging out, you're having dinner, and you're like, I really love you. I want to connect with you intimacy and sex is really important to me. You know we want to shame her, make her feel bad that she's not pleasing you, tell her you love being with her, it's so hot and I thought we could talk about what else we could do because sex is so important and see what she says. And if she just shuts it down, you might not be able to get her talk right now in this part in her life.

But you got to try. You also have to pay attention to her actions and her words. And see if you think there's going to be a change. And if not, you might have to make a tough decision, Jack. Okay. Well, I really appreciate the advice. Of course. I know that goes, you know, when you're not satisfied, that can be used for any other parts. And so, I think about the ex a lot because she's the last one who probably truly satisfied me. And so, I don't want to go down that route even. So I think I need to fix things or, you know,

you got to fix it first. And if you really put the effort in, you really say, you know what, I took the time and, you know, should we went to therapy, we talked about it, we tried to do things, and it's just not working, then you know you tried. But, you know, you've got to put a limit on it too. Like I'd give it like six months. I'm gonna try really hard for six months,

see if I can have some movement, if not, you know, you're reassessed. Good luck to Jack. Thank you so much for calling in. Let me know how it goes. I really appreciate it. Of course, sending love. Bye. Okay, Jack, I think a lot of us can relate to this, right? Everything's amazing,

but the sex is a problem. What are we going to do about it? And I understand you guys in these relationships. Here's how it could go. Jack, I understand that she's beautiful and she's smart and she's everything that you want. She's a 10, but the sex, right? If the sex isn't working for you guys, you got to try it. I understand you're're gonna talk to her about it and help her get therapy that will be huge and then pay attention if she's not willing to go to therapy and the changes don't happen sex is important and so you're gonna have to take care of yourself and you want to say goodbye. So remember sex matters. Okay we've got Scott. He's 36. He's from New York and he's got some masturbation questions.

Hey Scott. Hi how are you? I'm wonderful. Great to talk to you. Let's talk about masturbation. Let's talk about masturbation. Tell me what's going on. It's my favorite subject, one of them.

So, yeah, I just had a question because, the first time I happened to have a back, and basically it was in bed beside my wife, and I was kind of informed on my child because she was sleeping not in the mood, and Melissa knows closer than I thought it was, and instead of trying to come all over the covers, I just squeezed it so it wouldn't come all over the sheet and stuff, and then I noticed that it didn't come out at all. So I was like, oh, that was actually kind of cool. But I've done it again since then, and I've done it here and there since then, and I've never had any issues with it, but I wanted to know if it causes any

problems. You know, it really doesn't. I mean, I have to say that this is actually a process, then can have an orgasm without ejaculating and men can also ejaculate without having an orgasm, which is much rare. There's a lot of men who are trying to become multi-orgasmic or men who are premature ejaculators and it's a practice that they go through. It actually is healthy. There's nothing wrong with it.

You'll probably find that you have more sexual energy, right, like holding it in and like not letting yourself ejaculate can kind of give you, still a great satisfying sensation, because you're not going over, but you're still holding inside, right? So I think that it's actually a practice for a lot of guys would like to do this, and they talk about doing it, but it is a practice and it's healthy and less you start feeling experiencing any pain at all, which doesn't sound like it, right? Yeah, no, no pain at all. I just get the pleasure of an orgasm, but not all the work of the clean-ups and, you know, it's nice. Okay, good.

So you think that could be a path towards multiple orgasms as well, though? I mean, yeah, there's a lot of men that do this practice because they learn this through sex therapy and there's like a squeeze technique like when you're doing your keglexercises too, it helps you do keglexercises, it help men's like learn a jacolatory control and it's kind of like this for a lot of men, they start having sex, they start masturbating and then they stop, you know, you stop and you kind of go down by squeezing the base of your penis when you feel ajaculation is like about to occur, and then you just kind of let those sensations subside and you start over and you repeat the cycle, and there's a way that you go up and down,

up and down, and then you still don't have to ejaculate, but there's a way to kind of understand your body's rhythms and you could learn to be a multi-organic. I feel like if you're doing it and it feels good, there's a lot of guys who like email me and they like want to experience it, and they feel like, I don't know the time. I'm like, listen, it's a practice, right? And it's worth it because it feels good. So I think this is a good example, Scott, for everybody. There is a book, The Multi, Organic Band,

and some other resources that I will actually attach on the show notes. Awesome. Awesome. Well, I guess I knew I'm going to try it tonight. OK, good. Good, good, good. Let me know how it goes.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Keep the streets clean and having new sensations. Yeah, welcome. Bye, good. Let me know how it goes. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Keep the streets clean and, you know, having new sensations. Yeah, you're welcome. Bye Scott. Thanks, I will get there. You too. It's interesting,

because I do hear from a lot of men, like what's with, you know, multi orgasms, like how can it work? And yes, women typically are multi orgasmic, you know, even more than that. We can have several orgasms for men. Your fractal period is a lot longer. And you know, yes, it takes a while,

and guys think, well, I'm older now, or I can't get hurt three times like I did in my 20s, but it's actually a practice. You actually can do anything you set your mind to. It's just like becoming good to the gym. You guys are like, oh, if I went to the gym once a month and lifted weights, you probably wouldn't see a result. If you go a few times a week, you're gonna see a result.

It's the same thing with these masturbatory practices that we talk about. So doing the edging and learning your body better for men and for women will come back and inspeed. You might be having multiple orgasms where you know it. So I love that he's already doing that naturally. Scott, that's great. You guys, there's no end to your pleasure.

Our next cause, Lauren, she's 22 from Florida, and there's an age difference that's turning out to be a problem in our relationship. Let's talk about it. Hey Lauren. Hey Emily, how are you? Hi, I'm good, how are you? Thanks for calling. And there's an age difference that's turning out to be a problem in our relationship. Let's talk about it. Hey Lauren. Hey Emily, how are you? Hi, I'm good.

How are you? Thanks for calling. I'm good. Thank you. Absolutely. Thanks for having me on the show. Of course. Let's talk about this.

I'm everything. So, yeah, there's a bit of an age difference, which doesn't really bother me. That's more like something that I'm into. It turns me on. I've never really had like a memorable experience with someone in my age bracket or even like my remote age bracket. So I just tend to go older, but I've come across and I haven't been, this is a little bit older,

but it's not like a big deal, but I know what I want for my future and I want to be a wife and I want to be a mom. So of course in the conversation of kids comes into play. And like in this situation specifically, I've pondered this idea for a few years, but I've never really been in school and I've been busy, so like I haven't really given it much thought.

Not that I'm trying to have kids tomorrow by any means, but just kind of like something like that. Yeah, you know you want kids, you're 22. Oh yeah, of course, okay. Right, but not, I mean not tomorrow. Yeah, right, right, but you want kids, your twenty two and he's what how old is he he thirty nine he's thirty nine forty ten so it's forty okay he's forty twenty twenty two he has one he has one child she's twelve

uh... and he's kind of just like you know just to all that kids like he doesn't want to have anymore which is kind of a setting and not just specifically for him but just like in general like i feel like other girls in our situation are like you know this is super bummer, you know. So I was just wondering, like, is there any tips you could give me and maybe open up this conversation more and like help someone be more. How long have you guys...

Okay, so he's 39 and he's got one kid, you said. Right. And how old? She's 12. Okay, so he's 39 and he's got one kid you said. Right. And how old? She's 12. She's 12. Okay. And you and he says, I absolutely, and how many of you guys have been together? Not very long, but we just clicked really well. We have really good chemistry.

I mean, like the sex is unbelievable. Like it's amazing. And so that's why I think now I'm thinking of these things more. Right. And I have before in the past because I've never met someone that makes me feel this way. No, I get it. So, I'm not going to force someone to have kids with me. Right.

But I feel like, you know, there's been tips to open up the conversation and help it flow a little better to... Well, okay. No, I get it. And so, have you... You've already brought it up and it didn't go well. He's like, I don't want kids. I mean, I thought that I didn't go well.

We had a discussion. I got it. Good discussion. You didn't shut it down, but I don't think. But you want to go, okay, I see. So you want to figure out if he might be open to it, but open it in a way that's kind of casual. This is my advice always.

You don't want to be like, we need to talk. I want kids, you might not want kids. What are we going to do? Ah, no. So you want to just be like, you know, I'm so loving our time together. This is so hot. This is great. And I, you know, you're such an amazing dad. If he is, does he seem like a great dad? And you can just let him know that, you know, I know we've kind of talked about this, but I know that I definitely want kids. And,

you know, you said you weren't sure, how do you feel about it, really? Like, do you think that you would want kids? And like, the thing is, and what we've talked about it a few times, and like, that's kind of what I said, is like, look, we're having a really good time together. I really want to enjoy the time that we have together now, if it's not going to work out in the long run, it is what it is, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. But- And what do you say to that?

I just, I mean, we agree, but it's like, we don't really want to see an end. Right, but I think the same time it's not something that I want to give up. It's something that's really important to me. I love kids, you know, I want the same time, it's not something that I want to give up. It's something that's really important to me. I love kids. You know, I want to have my kids. Lauren, listen, you've been together less than a year. You're 22.

He's 30. Yeah, Lion. He's already has a 12-year-old. You guys are in such different places right now, and you're 22 having the best sex of her life with him. And let me tell you, you will have such amazing sex with other partners. I think maybe going a little bit older is great, especially as a woman, you know, men take longer to mature in some ways

They learn about sex later and I think we're having your first amazing sexual experience because you actually guys you were Daniel were 22 like couldn't even find your clitoris. I get it But there's more men out there like this who will be more age-appropriate You'll be on the same wavelength. You'll be going through the same things in life and it's gonna want children You don't want to have to have these conversations early on in a relationship I mean as far as trying to convince someone. You don't want to have to have these conversations early on in a relationship. I mean, as far as trying to convince someone against what they already want to do, I mean, you could keep talking about it with him,

but if he's already said he's not sure, and I'm worried about the age difference, I don't think you're going to be able to convince him. And I'm going to separate the amazing sex. I don't think I got sex more like in a broader sense, like not just him specifically, because I know what I like, and I like men in an older age bracket.

So the likelihood of me being someone that is my age, even close to my age by like 10 years is not likely. Okay, so you could date someone who's like 35, who was like, yeah, I have a kid, but I can't wait to, I really definitely want to have another kid because being a father has been an amazing gift in my life. But if he's kind of like, nah, I'm not sure,

I don't think so probably doesn't how you don't mean but you could find out more but i'm telling you he's not the last guy the planet who is ten years older than you who's going to want to get you believe you sound release right i've never like clipped is someone quite this way i know this way and like everything is great like the sex is great the conversations are great is humor is great he's great so it's like wow this is awesome let's see if this could work you know what i mean yeah no i

totally get it out you listen i don't mean to say like you should dump up you should like if he doesn't want to do it but you're saying no i'm saying that you should have this honest conversations because you also do want a pressure but you're saying it's about not just about this guy you're saying it's about any guy and i also think that it can even if guys want kids let's say this, I'm just saying it dating in general, you know what you want, but when you first go out with a guy like early on,

I think that to say like the first day, like if you don't want kids, you're out. Like I think that you just want to get to know someone on the first few dates, okay? Like it's totally okay to mention that, but, right. Because guys, even if you're like, I want to relationship and I want kids, it'll scare guys and vice versa.

If a guy said that to me, even if it's what I wanted, I'd be nervous. But so I'm just saying you wanna get to know them, you want, but this is, with this guy, you've been dating them for a while, now the sex is amazing. But you also, you also wanna enjoy your life and know that you're in a relationship

that could go somewhere. So you do have to find out this answer and it would have to be without shaming him, making him feel bad, but really just opening up and saying, have you ever thought about, so when you think about having kids again, how does that make you feel? Like just casually. I mean, but really just opening up and saying, have you ever thought about, so when you think about having kids again, how does that make you feel? Like just casually,

I mean, just really just ask him in a way that's not threatening and without pressure. And if he's just like, yeah, I thought I really don't think so, then you'll know. But why don't you give it another month, another two, and just see if nothing changes in three months? I think it's really important in relationships that don't have a major problem,

but you're like, it's good, but I don't know, you gotta give yourself a deadline because you'll look up and it'll be three months, I think it's really important in relationships that don't have a major problem, but you're like, it's good, but I don't know. You gotta give yourself a deadline because you'll look up and it'll be three years and you'll be like, he told me when I was 22, that he didn't want kids, and I'm 25. So I would say if in three months from now, write this under calendar, three months from now, there's no change, you're not sure, and you don't have your answers, then it's time to move on. Right. How's that?

You've three months to get the answer from him. So that might be easier said than done. Well, I mean, I just, okay, well, I think that you, I don't think so. I actually don't think it's easier said than done to kind of have an active conversation about something that's really important to you. You got to let me know. Yeah, absolutely. It's good practice.

Yeah, it's good practice to talk about what you want. It doesn't have to just be kids. I mean, are you, you're having an amazing sex. I'm just trying to give you perspective. I'm not saying he can't be the one for you, but your 22, a guy is like ravishing your body and giving you orgasm and understanding orgasms and he's understanding what you like and he's like reading your body language and he's turning you on. And that's really hot when that happens because it doesn't happen all the time. And it probably hasn't happened to do ever. So I just want you to separate the amazing sex from the guy.

These are experiences you could have again. I'm not saying I don't know if he's the one, yes or no, but you could have these experiences again and just pay attention to that because you'll find that. Okay, thank you, Lauren. Let me know what happens. I think it's good at deadlines. Stick to it. Okay, by Lauren.

Lauren brings up a great point. Who can relate to this? Look at your relationship right now. And is there a problem you've been having? And you're like, oh my God, it's been a year and he still hasn't stopped drinking. Or she still hasn't made time for me on the weekends when I want to see her.

Or our sex hasn't gotten better. I think that life goes by and you can spend half your relationships trying to get out of them. So setting deadline and saying, you know what? This is how I feel now. And three months from now, I want to feel this way and you write that down. Because then over the next three months, you have little mini goals. Well, I want to talk to my partner about this.

And I want to make sure that we have a three-some by Tuesday, you know, whatever it is. Set minor goals and you'll make big progress. I love talking to you guys. These calls are great. Please everyone, remember to go to our website, go to the Ask Emily page And then you can fill out the form you can check if you want to be called you can also text us 7979 7979 text ask Emily one word can't wait to hear from you and thanks everyone for Thongest and social media Twitter and Instagram Facebook snapchat. I'm all up and that stuff added sex with Emily

And thanks for shopping with us and hanging out. I love you all Thank you for listening to this show was it good for you email me feedback, sex with Emily. And thanks for shopping with us and hanging out. I love you all. Thank you for listening to this show. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.