Sex With Emily - Stop Giving More Than You're Getting in Relationships

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

EVERYONE who signs up wins a FREE WhisperVibe™ OR a FREE Rose toy with any Whisper™ order! https://www.bboutique.co/vibe/emilymorse-podcast Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ In this Sex with Emily episode, Dr. Emily breaks down the dynamics of toxic relationships—why we get stuck in them, how to spot the red flags, and what it takes to step into something healthier. She explains how cycles of fighting and making up can become addictive, why perfectionism and unrealistic expectations sabotage intimacy, and the subtle ways emotional unavailability shows up through gaslighting, breadcrumbing, and avoidance. The episode also explores the deeper psychology behind repeated patterns: why we’re drawn to unavailable partners, how our own fears and defenses play into toxic dynamics, and why real change only happens when both people are willing to do the work. Listener questions and calls highlight unmet needs, long-term relationships starved of affection, and the painful realization that sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a partnership. Alongside this, Emily offers clear strategies for breaking toxic cycles, communicating needs without blame, and deciding when it’s time to stay, seek help, or walk away. With candid stories about gaslighting, perfectionism, and emotional neglect, this episode is a raw but empowering guide to recognizing what doesn’t serve you—and finding the courage to choose relationships that do. Timestamps: 0:00 - Introduction 3:04 - When High Standards Destroy Love 6:35 - Signs of Emotional Unavailability You Need to Know 11:04 - How Long Will You Stay in an Unfulfilling Relationship? 13:34 - 8 Years of Unmet Needs and One-Sided Love 20:18 - Words vs Actions 25:36 - Anniversary Disappointment After 28 Years of Marriage 30:59 - Having the Difficult Conversation Your Relationship Needs

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There's not time for you. Their standards are really high. They always deflect, deflect, deflect. It's always your fault. How much longer are you going to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you feel great? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, we're talking about toxic relationships, the kind where you fight, make up, fight again, and get hooked on the roller coaster.

You'll hear stories of partners who breadcrumb, avoid conflict, or say things like, I'm not boyfriend material while keeping you just close enough to stay stuck. We'll dive into what emotional unavailability actually looks like. How perfectionism can destroy intimacy and why believing someone when they tell you they can't give you what you need might be the most freeing step you take. Plus, I'm taking your calls about unmet needs, gaslighting, and what to do when you've been giving more than you're getting for years. My intention is to help you see the patterns clearly. Stop settling for less than you deserve and start choosing relationships that make you feel

loved, safe, and alive. All right, let's get into it. Have you been in one of those relationships where you are constantly fighting and then making up and then you're fighting again and then you actually get into like this toxic cycle where the best times are when you're making up? we call those toxic relationships, which is a term that's been thrown around a lot. Toxic relationships, dating a narcissist, somebody who is emotionally unavailable. But what do all those terms mean? What does it mean if you're with somebody who's really unhealthy or you're in a consistent dating pattern and you just say,

oh, everyone I meet is emotionally unavailable or I keep dating narcissists? And then people might ask you, too, for your pattern. You're like, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I just keep dating the wrong people. And I used to say things like that as well until I started to learn this stuff, right? When you study it. But what I realized for me personally that I used to think that people I dated were emotionally unavailable, for example. And then I realized that I wasn't that available either.

I might have been the one that was emotionally unavailable. And typically we're in these kind of relationships, we tend to sort of blame our partners and like, what's wrong with me or everyone's messed up? But what I'm going to tell you is you're going to keep repeating those patterns forever until you say, okay, I'm going to stop dating. I'm going to or I'm going to work on this with my partner. I'm going to work on myself and then go back to my partner

if you're still in a relationship, which is awesome. because there's always going to be patterns. So when I talk about doing the work, I'm talking about what is my pattern? What do I keep repeating? There was this study. And the headline of it is like, is a messy relationship better than no relationship?

And it goes on to look at this perfectionist pattern that some of us might have. You know, you have really high expectations. And in some ways I feel like I, a lot of us, all this stuff is a spectrum. Like they even say that everyone's on the spectrum. spectrum of narcissism or the spectrum, you know, some things you want to be perfect and at others. But if you're highly perfectionistic, I think if you walk around like thinking that

everything has to be perfect in your life, you probably already know personally it can be destructive. But are you in a relationship where you have a pattern and you really want your partner to be perfect all the time? This is what this study talks about. So to explain this to you, well, first let me say there are daily sources of irritation in every relationship. Like, you know, partner forgets your anniversary. You know, your vacations are always, you know, not fun for some reason. You're picking the wrong places. But I think just first off, knowing that relationships are going to be perfect.

I mean, if you still think, oh, everything should be perfect and when it's not, I leave. I think we all have this ideal, like this expectations that relationships are supposed to be perfect. Or maybe we're still single because we keep thinking this. So I think this is going to be helpful for everybody. So this study was done in Italy. they talked about how perfectionism can negatively impact your relationship. What they found is that if you have other-oriented perfectionism,

meaning you become angry or hostile towards the partner that you think is falling short. Now, that is contrast to self-oriented perfectionism where we're like so hard on ourselves, which I can relate to that. I'm very hard on myself to the point where that's awesome. I mean, all perfectionism has its challenges. And then the third form of perfectionism is when you tried to, to live up to unrealistic standards of what you think is expected to you by society. So here it is.

You either blame your partner for not being perfect, blame yourself for not being perfect, or you're trying to live up because you think everyone else is happy. And the rest of society has an idea of what you should be doing and you constantly feel like you're not enough. But it's this other-oriented perfectionism that, you know, is a problem in relationship. So it's the belief that your partner needs to meet your expectations.

And they should do everything you want. They should, they should, you know, like if your partner does something, you expect that it should be done flawlessly. And these are the people that they say have these high personality traits. So people who are very high on this partner needs to be perfect scale, they tend to be low inagreableness. that word. They're not very nice. They're kind of assholes. They are constantly getting out of relationships because they're not working. And they keep leaving relationships because they can't find

long-term fulfillment. And I was just thinking, gosh, you know, first of all, this totally like struck a chord. And then, you know, I was thinking about the term like someone being emotionally unavailable, right? And then I thought, I used to always say that. And there's all this stuff about narcissism, being people being emotionally, unavailable. Well, what does it mean if someone's, because, well, the study is interesting, like, yeah, maybe that's your partner and you could blame your partner for being that way, but what are the traits that you are reflecting? So, for example, how do you know if someone's emotionally unavailable? Well, first, maybe they're just not available, okay? They're not available

at all, meaning they're constantly dropping little breadcrumbs. They're not totally committing to the relationship. They don't really introduce you to anybody in their life. The other thing is, They probably might, maybe they invalidate your feelings. They're always saying that you, you know, and this is also a form of gaslighting, which is also a very common term right now. Somebody who constantly is telling you that you're wrong. They discredit everything that you say, especially your feelings. They don't, they don't allow you to validate your feelings.

Like you'll say, I'm feeling upset. You can't possibly be upset about that. Well, you forgot my birthday again. Oh, I didn't forget it. How could you say that? So they're making you feel crazy. They play games. That's another thing.

If you're ever with game players, right, they're just constantly playing games. They're not texting you. They're making vague plans with you. They're a little bit flaky. We call it breadcrumming. They call that in the dating world. Like, they keep, like, every two weeks, they send you a text, right? They stay in your life just enough that keeps you hooked.

Like, they're giving you a little breadcrumb, but then they pull away. They avoid conflict. You know, they constantly, like, you know, you bring something up. They deflect it. You try to have a conversation. about something they tell you not to worry they just avoid disagreements these are all characteristics of someone who's emotionally unavailable and maybe even a little bit toxic they're very defensive god defensiveness drives me crazy defensiveness a passive aggressiveness that's another one you like cannot

have a conversation with them you know body language is another thing you know our body language is a very is a very big indicator it's really only like 20 to 30 percent of the words we say but it's our body language maybe they're eye rolling or they turn away from you you tune into their body language. Do they never make eye contact? Have you ever been with those people who they never make eye contact? Like, no wonder why you feel like they're emotionally unavailable because you actually literally don't feel connected to them.

I mean, the eyes are such a, it's such so intimate to actually be looking into someone's eyes and having conversation. But if like you're with them and you're like, why do I feel alone when I'm with them? Maybe they're not making eye contact. You know, they don't respect your time. Maybe they're always like, these are all signs of those relationships that probably didn't work. And you don't need all of these traits.

It's just a few of these traits. So they're not making time for you. When they do make time for you, they're late or they cancel or they assume you're going to be ready at the very last minute whenever they want to be ready. Sometimes these people make you do all the work in the relationship. So they're the ones waiting for you to plan and to make the next thing happen,

to make the relationship exciting. And they seem selfish. God, these are like so many people that I know I'm reading these. And I have these traits. Don't get me wrong. I am not perfect. But my point here is talking about relationships where we're constantly blaming others

and we're like, everyone's messed up or, you know, I know for me personally if I'm dating somebody right now and again, I've done everything that you've done. I've been in this place where I'm like, oh, they were an asshole or they were a jerk and then I move on. But you come to realize is that relationships,

whether you're just dating three times or dating for three years or dating for your life, it is such an incredible place to actually learn about yourself in relation to someone else. So think about it this way. It's a relationship.

How are you related? How does it make you think about who you are in relation to this person? Because if you're alone a lot or you're not in relationships, sure you can learn. But that's what we're really going to do a lot of it. So if you're going through a breakup now, when you're in a trauma, you can't like process it, right? If you've ever been through anything traumatic, it could be like a car accident or it could be, you know, rejection. It could be, you know, assault, something. You typically go into a phase of being, you know, numb or.

deflecting. And so when we're all in it, it can be really hard to be dealing with our own discontent right now and dealing with, you know, a partner. And so I think that this is the time that we can all, you know, so that's why I think a lot of relationships aren't making it right now, but maybe you are making it, but you're trying to figure out how to make it work. And so I think that doing some of this work and saying like, is this person, someone I can be with? Because like, if you're not getting your needs met, like let's say you're with someone who is super perfectionist. Going back to this study, it says that people who are super partner-oriented perfection, meaning they want you to be perfect. They never do anything wrong. It's always your fault. There's

not time for you. Their standards are really high. They always deflect, deflect, deflect. It's always your fault. How much longer are you going to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you feel great? I think those are the questions you have to ask yourself. How long are you willing to stay in a relationship that feels this way. And I'm not saying you should just walk out the door with somebody and say, oh, I'm Don, you know, Emily said, this shouldn't work and I should leave. No, this is the time where you're like, this has been going on for a few months, a few years.

I don't want to go another day feeling that my needs aren't being met, that I'm not being heard, that someone's treating me poorly. And if that's the case, then you decide today, today is the day that I'm going to do one thing different. I'm going to tell my partner in a loving way, like I always talk about in the show, in a curious way, in an open way, say, what do you think we could do? I feel there's been a lot of tension. Perhaps we should see a therapist. You know how I feel about therapy. I think that every couple, especially if you've gotten to this point where you're driving each other insane or just you're fed up with something that's happening, I think that therapy is probably the only way you're

going to know, is this person right for me? Is this person wrong for me? We often think that we're going to change the person, right? Like, you can, you can change someone. Well, my partner's emotionally and available, but they're going to change their behavior. They're going to become aware of it. I'm going to be the one they open up to because I saw it that one timer. They were really open the first two weeks of our relationship. Or I heard they were open in their last relationship.

But remember this, that people don't change unless they want to change. Like, if someone does not change in three years and they're not interested in talking about the problems in the relationship, they're not interested even admitting there's a problem or seeing their part in it. Like, how much longer are you going to wait? I remember this woman was like 39 and she, she wouldn't have kids. But they couldn't even agree upon, like, how to train the dog.

They couldn't agree upon, you know, if he should get a job or not. It was just, it's just, we're constantly, I guess that's why I'm here to help you all, kind of figure your way. Like, what is this? Because you also realize now life is short. life is short, especially now you realize what's important to me, what isn't important to me, who do I value, do I want to keep going in this place? So I'm just saying, if you're in a place that is unhealthy right now, what are you going to do to fix it? I'm just wondering, like,

how much longer are you going to stay in a place that doesn't serve you? Let's talk to Daryl, 60. His relationship needs aren't being met. What's going on, Daryl? I was just listening to the show I was driving, and I'm listening to what you were saying. And it's just really, I'm like, wow, that's me. And without going to a lot of details, I mean, there's a lot of things, you know, like communication just kind of went sideways. I mean, when we try to talk, she'll say what she has to say, and that's it. She doesn't want, and it's always confrontational.

And there's things that, I guess the biggest interest, because we've been dating, we were engaged, and we were dating, we're still dating, but she asked me, I guess, remember about before years ago, what is it sexually that you miss or that you like? And I told I really like this when you do this, this, than the other, and she's stopped. And I'm like, okay, so it's like, so why did you ask me? If you were, in a lot of things that it's like if she finds out of like something,

she has an excuse not to do it. Oh. And, you know, and I'm listening in everything, and there's a lot of stuff going on. And one thing you said about breadcrumbs, and I'm sitting here, and I'm just shaking my head, like, wow, because we've been going through something, and she gave me this real nice, heartfelt card. And I'm like, wow, that's what I've been waiting on. That's kind of what I've been wanting to hear. And then it's like, you know, it's kind of like no follow-up. Yes.

She's just doing enough to keep you. How long have you been together, Daryl? We've been together about eight years. Okay. You know, we got engaged and I really love her. We went through our little, you know, I trad therapy. And it seemed to be kind of all about me, my shortcomings and everything. And so I kind of backed away.

But, huh? Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. It's all about you. Okay, keep going. Yeah. Yeah, it's all about her. And another thing, I asked her, and this is another thing that kind of got me. One day for Swedish's Day, I asked her, I said, I don't want anything for Swedish's Day.

I want you to write me a letter and tell me how you feel about me. Because I'm always giving her cards just because of flowers and stuff like that. I want you to sit down and write a letter from your heart and tell me how you feel about me. To this day, I've never gotten a letter. But when we were going through therapy, I was doing something in her room. When she told me to look for something, I found the notebook, and I kind of peaked. And she was right. I didn't read all of it, but I read enough.

And it was interesting to me that you can't write a letter to me, but you can sit down and write a letter about me. Okay. You know. Yeah. I mean, so what do you need from her? Like, here's the thing, it's been eight years, Darrell. You're 60 years old. What do you need?

Peace of mind and affection. That's it. I mean, because if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, and, you know, she'll say she's happy and stuff like that, but she doesn't show it. You know, like I'll get dressed and go to work out, I'll put some cologne on, and she'll make a comment, but I don't want you smelling good for all the other women and stuff like that.

But yet, when I'm around you, I get very little with any affection. Yeah, you need words of affirmation or physical touch. Yeah, that's your love language. I can already tell you need words of affirmation and you need physical touch and she's not giving you these essential things that you need

and you don't feel love. Exactly, and as far as the sex and everything, if I don't initiate it, it won't happen. Right. If she wanted to, there was never a problem with that,

but now if I don't initiate it, does it happen? And it's like, I'm just, and nothing, like you said. What happened to the therapy? The therapy, we went a few times

and there was some things that they pointed out that, you know, I can kind of see me doing. I'm like, okay, I'll work on that. I work on that. And then, you know, it got to be expensive and we had to stop working I was saying for it.

And finances, that's a whole other topic. I can call back with another show. Okay, so you're paying for everything and you're not getting any of your basic needs met and it's all your fault. And you actually are using the words that you're trying to make change. You're trying to do something different.

And again, there's two sides every story. I'm not taking your side over your girlfriends. I don't know her. I have met her. But it sounds to me like you. like you need to know that she's making efforts in some area and she's not just gaslighting you and saying it's all about you. Exactly.

You know, because in the last thing, I'm going to say, we had a big blow up about two weeks ago. And I'm like, you know, it would be nice that we could sit down and have a conversation. And you'd be like, you know, okay, I hear what you're saying. And I was trying to work on that. I hear what you saying. But it's always what I'm not doing. It's been eight years, Darrell. Darrell, it's been eight years

and I don't think that people change unless they make efforts towards changing unless she says you're right, I'm going to work on it. But she hasn't made any of these changes. She wrote you one card. And it's not going to change. So, Darrell, what do you want? What patterns are repeating for you? Have you

found yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? Was this something that was modeled in your home perhaps growing up where someone settled for something? Usually it goes back and back, but what do you want right now? What do you need? Because people don't change. You're 60. and how old she is, but we don't change that much, especially now. Like, you should have, be with someone who appreciates you, who tells you, you look sexy,

and they initiate and they make you feel good in these basic ways that you need. If I didn't have a partner that gave me words of affirmation or touch me, I'd be out. So you know what you need, Darrell. Yeah. I got to take a break, Darrell. What are you going to do in your relationship? What can you do tonight that's different? Tonight, I can start by saying, you know, is what do I?

I want, what do I need and how can I get it? Yeah, you could say we got going to give us two months, and I'm going to write down the state, these are the things that I need. I wouldn't say to her, like, you got to stop. No one hears of that, but I would say, I think we need to have an honest talk about our relationship. I want it to be healthy.

It seems like it's been very contentious. I'm not getting my needs met. You don't seem happy. And here's what needs to change. Otherwise, I think we both need to find partners that make us the most satisfied. Now, she starts yelling and screaming. Then you got to go back to therapy

if you still want to make it work or you leave. Try to have a, a healthy conversation without blaming or shaming and putting anyone on the defensive. That's your assignment. Thanks, Daryl. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Stick around for more sex with Emily

after the break. I read this study about people who are perfectionists. They tend to be perfectness with their partner. Like, your partner has to be perfect to everything and those relationships don't work. But then I'm talking about toxic relationships. and then I woke up, I got this question on Instagram this morning. This is where I just was like, oh, we got to talk about this tonight.

I love when you guys send me questions because sometimes I'm just like, this is just hits the spot. She says, I'm dating someone who hasn't dated in 15 years after his divorce. He said it was to focus on raising his daughter, who is now 20. My question is, how do you date someone who hasn't dated in that long and is pretty comfortable in his life? He tells me he's not boyfriend material. he's not looking for anything but his actions tell me otherwise i feel like he's worth sticking

with the roller coaster but how do i know when to listen to what he's saying versus actions listening to the words words versus actions words versus actions we're going to come back to that we aren't great communicators with words i'm 27 and he is 44 i mean i was like oh wow i think if she just went back and read this, she'd be like, whoa, these are not good sides because I'm reading this, going, who cares? Listen, actions and words are important. I think they're both important. But where we get tripped up is if we only listen to the words and we only listen to the actions, they all tell a story. So he's actually telling you he's not boyfriend material and he's not great with words, but his actions are telling you otherwise. Are his actions that he wants to see you

and have sex all the time are his actions that he's maybe he's breadcrumbing and he's calling you once a week for a date but you want more but you can't ask for more because he's told you he's unavailable it's like I'd love to see all these actions that he's doing like I'd love to know all the actions at this 44 year old guy that's telling you he's not available and you're 27 I wanted to see all the actions that are making you think that you should ride this rollercoaster I was riding a roller coaster reading this Instagram question this morning. I'm like, he's that boyfriend material. Like, I'm exhausted.

He's that boyfriend material. He hasn't dated in 15 years. So he says, his daughter's 20. So first off, it's not true. Like, he's telling you that he hasn't dated. I mean, it might be true that he hasn't dated. But for whatever reason, now he's in a pattern of not dating and isn't ready to date again. But it's like, when people show you who they are, believe them,

if someone is emotionally unavailable, there's probably something that's not available in you. Like what part of you 27-year-old woman shouldn't say her name, but what part of you thinks that you deserve this or is interesting to you? Like we don't even realize sometimes that we get caught up in the roller coaster of a relationship. If you're just kissing and making up

or you're just right, like your relationship is built on these little carrots that your partner is like dropping for you along the way, first off, You don't deserve that behavior. But also, like, what part of you thinks that you do deserve it and how much longer are you going to stay in a relationship where you feel like somebody isn't present for you,

you know, isn't fulfilling your needs, isn't taking care of you. And it's kind of a waste of your time and energy. So also, like, I'm not saying that even the age difference isn't great, right? You're 27, he's 44. I mean, believe me, relationships work with age differences, but not as often as ones with fewer years of a job. difference but like if someone literally says to you i don't want a relationship you better believe that he is not boyfriend material like which part of that didn't you understand he said to you

i am not boyfriend material and you're writing me do you think i should wait for him to change his mind and become a boyfriend and he's not a great communicator so you think one day it's like we think that one day they're going to wake up and be like i he's going to get on one knee like you know cinderella and he's going to come up with the glass slipper be like i you are the one i am boyfriend material. That doesn't happen, but we're living off of these fantasies of what we think is going to happen. I mean, unless someone's actively working towards making a change, like, he's like, you're right, I'm not boyfriend, but I'd like to get to be a boyfriend. I'd like to get to be to the place where I could be committed. But I've, like, what he could say is, you know, but I have these

kind of commitment issues. And I realize I haven't dated so long, so I have, I have fear of intimacy. Like, maybe you could say that, or I'm trying to figure it out because I'd like to one day be a boyfriend. Like, maybe I could say, okay. But there's nothing. He's like, I am shut down for business. I am not your boyfriend. But I'll have sex with you. My actions will show that.

So we all just got to pay attention. I think I want to circle back to it's not that everyone's assholes. Like, he's not an asshole. I like this guy. He is telling you, he's telling you, I'm not available. Like, to me, that's kind. But what is it in you that is sticking with people who aren't meeting your needs? Like, why are we allowing ourselves to be in relationships?

We're constantly trying to make them work. I'm just curious. Like, we've got to do our own work because then that won't keep happening, right? Be the person you want to find. All right, I'm going to take a break. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break. Let's talk to, uh, John 53 in Connecticut.

Hi, John. Thanks for calling and holding. What's going on? Hi, how you doing, Dr. Emily. I'm good, John. What's up? Tell me everything. My wife and I have been married for 28 years. If I get a little emotional, I'm not trying to trust me. That's okay. I'm here for you, John. Overall, we have, I think, a healthy relationship. I mean, we don't argue. We don't fight a lot. I mean, we generally get along really well.

When it comes to the bedroom, it's a different issue. We just celebrated our anniversary on the 21st. So it's 28 years for us. She ended up taking a work shift on our anniversary day. I was hoping to try and vote some wearing special for the day, but she ended up taking a shift. So that kind of told me right off the bat that maybe it was going to be a no celebration anniversary. Yeah.

So that day she took a shift. I ended up doing yard work, so on and so forth. She came home that night and I was tired because I was working out of the yard all day long. I took a shower, got cleaned up. I mean, I know you talked about something like this before, but I'm a celebration anniversary blowjob type of person. I get one occasionally once a year, and it's a June for a special occasion, be in the anniversary. So I was kind of expecting to be intimate with her and to do something like that.

It didn't happen on the anniversary night, but the next morning, I'm always the initiator when it comes to this stuff. She never initiated. So when we start fooling around a little bit, I get going. And I completely take care of her, which I've always done. I've always made sure her needs are met. And, you know, when it comes to the lovemaking, I'm always on the top and it's like, you know, that type of thing. So I finished her off. She orgasms, and she's the one and done type of person.

She doesn't really want to have multiple orgasms, which is fine. I'm okay with that. First words out of her mouth after she orgasmed was, okay, it's your turn, but let's hurry up and you need to help me because I'm not that good. And as far as jerking me off or whatever. And at the moment, I was, like, getting ready to go. And I'm like, it didn't really stink into me at the time. And then after the day, she ended up making plans to take my daughter or go visit my daughter at college. So the Saturday, which was after our anniversary, we couldn't do anything because she took off and made plans with my daughter.

So I'm working around the yard again on Saturday because we didn't go anywhere. And I'm thinking about what she said. said to me and I'm just like, you know, that's pretty harsh. I didn't talk to her about this yet because I'm still upset about it. And it was our anniversary night, the morning of our anniversary night, she doesn't even really look me in the eyes when we're having sex. I know her libido's low and I know she's not always into it and she's doing it for me. But the whole thing with the anniversary sex, I felt like it was just an obligation. Yeah. Have you felt like this before, John, Or do you think this is just sort of like the time where you're just like, I'm done?

We actually did go through, we did go through counseling for about a year and a half. Okay. She was for it originally. I'm the one that initiated the counseling. She was for it initially. And then, and I do have to say the counselor wasn't always on my side. She would, you know, pick both sides out and she would, you know, one day I get yelled at. Yeah, there's always two.

Yeah. There's two in every situation. Yeah, of course. But wait, John, because I only have a few minutes, but let me... And I'm popping. Of course not. No, John, you sound like you have the empathic heart. You're carrying the heart in the relationship right now.

You're the one who's kind of carrying this weight. I don't take size in the show. I really don't, even though I sounded very angry earlier on the show. I really don't. We're all responsible. No, really. I wasn't, like I was breaking up with someone angry. No, we all have to look at our own parts.

I mean, essentially, so I get that, but I feel like 28 years a long time. that's like such a like and I could see that you had a lot of expectations around this anniversary because it's happened to pass maybe that makes sense and that's okay to have expectations and then on top of that her comment which it could just be like a throwaway comment she was ready for the day she wanted to get over with and that is hurtful but she might not even remember she said it I would address this because it's a week later and it's still really upsetting you and I would say to her you know I I really want to talk about our anniversary because it's been it's been hurtful to me. I know I had these expectations that I, you know, I love oral sex and our

anniversary, you know, I expected it didn't happen. And I get that we're busy, but then in the morning you made this comment, and this is how it made me feel. How did it make you feel, John? Like she didn't want to be there. Yeah, exactly. And you could say, was that your intention? So you could let her know how you made it feel. And then maybe she was like, oh, God, no, I was actually so stressed and I love you, John. No, I want to make, you know, 28 years. You're right. I'm sorry. or she might say, well, I'm not good at it and you always expect, because then you're going to find something out, but you said that you don't argue. The first thing you said was you led this conversation by saying it's 28 years and we never argue.

I don't know that that's such a great thing. Like to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict have bigger problems than many of us. Because you've been together 28 years. So maybe it's time for some conflict. She tends to be a non-confrontational type of person. I mean, she tries to avoid controversy at all costs. Well, how's that going? I have to say that she's not an evil or spiteful person.

I don't think she is. No, she's not. But, like, it also, so, Jen, I'm not, I'm not vilifying your wife at all. I'm just saying that, like, right now you're needing, you're craving some kind of intimate. You're craving your wife. Like, I think you miss her and you want some love and attention and affection from her. And she's, you know, and you're not getting what you need. And that's it.

And that's, and that's a lot. So 28 years, I want you to. together for 28 more, but I feel like, and I don't mean you need conflict and I don't want you to fight. I hate conflicts. I'm so conflict avoidant. So I'm not even telling you got to get in a fight. I'm saying you could say to her. This is what I just feel lately. It's been hard and I need a little bit more love from you. I would love a hug. I'd love you to come home and tell me that you want to have sex with me and that you desire me. It just makes me feel less than, makes you feel less connected to you. And for our relationship to thrive, I kind of need some of this from you.

What do you think about that? What could we do? You know? Could you have a conversation like that, John? that's it for today's episode thank you so much for listening to sex with emily and if you love the show please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast and hey share this with a friend or a partner it might just spark something it usually does you can find me on instagram tik youtube facebook and x it's all at sex with emily oh and i've been told i give really good email so sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.