Sex With Emily - Stop Having Sex In the F*cking Dark w/ Tara Schuster

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

“Low self-worth makes authentic sex impossible.” So says bestselling author Tara Schuster, who broke out with her runaway bestseller Buy Yourself The F*cking Lilies and released the life-affirming page-turner Glow In The F*cking Dark this year. On this episode, Tara opens up about hating her body, having sex exclusively in the dark, and how she rewired her brain to love herself (and her body). Tara and I also take your listener questions, where we discuss dating burnout, sexual triggers, and solo sex as self-care. When you’ve just gotten out of a toxic relationship, how can you feel more confident when you go out in public? When dating is one long string of disappointments, what gives? And finally, how do you have exploratory sex when you don’t have a partner?See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:How to Have Honeymoon Sex Forever5 Steps to Your Happiest, Healthiest VaginaGlow In the F*cking Dark, Tara Schuster: Bookshop | Amazon | Barnes & NobleGlow Getters Journal ClubMore Tara Schuster: Instagram | Twitter | WebsiteEMDRIAYes, No, Maybe List & Other GuidesSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSex With Emily: Home | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm not knocking anyone who has sex in the dark because again, I was there. But now that I'm in the light and actually love myself, which, you know, I almost hesitate to say because as I say it, it still sounds cheesy to me, but it's a huge accomplishment if you can just even like yourself. And it opens you up to be open and vulnerable and soft with the people around you. And so that's why self-worth is so tied to sex, because what is more intimate than sex? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I have best-selling author,

a mental health advocate and my friend Tara Schuster on the show to talk about practical ways pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I have bestselling author, a mental health advocate and my friend, Tara Schuster on the show, to talk about practical ways to heal yourself and prioritize your healing. Plus how low self worth makes authentic sex nearly impossible, and how to feel better about yourself and your sex life. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen

to the show, my new articles, how to have honeymoon sex, forever, and five steps to the show, my new articles had to have honeymoon sex forever, and five steps to your happiest, healthiest vagina, are at funsexwithemily.com. Art of One, enjoy this episode. I hear from so many penis owners who are frustrated about unpredictable erections. I always recommend talking to your doctor to find out the root cause of the problem.

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has transformed lives thanks to her unique ability to blend humor with vulnerability and authenticity. After her best-selling book, buy yourself the F. Ignili's exploded with its practical tips to heal yourself. She hit rock bottom after losing her job as an executive at Comedy Central, the job on which she had staked

her entire adult identity. She realized that there was more work to be done. Her latest book, Glow in the Effing Dark, is a guide to getting off your good enough plateau and developing habits that will give you lasting courage and resolve. It's full of practical baby steps that we can all take and we are lucky to have Tara here to share some of those tips today. So Tara, welcome to Sex with Emily. Hi Tara. Good to see you. Hi Emily. Tara, welcome to Sex with Emily. Hi Tara.

Good to see you. Hi Emily. Tara and I have also become friends. We met through our mutual friend, Jennifer Fried, and we were instantly connected. Love when that happens. Your book was good. The vibe was good.

The vibe was good. We had a lot of... We were like immediate friends, and immediately I was like, Emily, can you help me with my sex life? Just like full vulnerability. It's been such a like treat to get to know you and it's always fun to talk to like an actual friend. Yeah, it's exactly. So that's why this is going to be even more fun. So we talk a lot about confidence and self-confidence on this show and we will even more in this episode but you

went through this whole healing journey about yourself, your body, your relationships, and you wrote your first best seller all about this journey. But then you realized, which I love, because a lot of us do work, and we're like, okay, I'm done. Let me move on and learn to play golf. But you realize that there's still more work to be done, even when you start on this path. So tell us about that night in the desert, were you realize, oh, there's still some stuff I got to do here? Yeah, it's so annoying. When you realize, oh, no, healing isn't a one shot deal. Like, I'm not done. Back up a little and say why I needed healing to begin with, which was I had grown up in neglectful, psychologically abusive household where things came to die.

There was no hex, but my parents didn't know how to nurture anything, much less children. And, you know, I'm taking a whole book and condensing it into like two sentences. But basically, I left my childhood thinking I was worthless, that my body was wrong, that I was bad, and this one phrase kept repeating itself to me, nobody cares about me, nobody cares about me. I felt so alone. And so I self-medicated with weed and made tons of bad decisions with boys and was basically pouring Pinot Noir into my soul in an attempt that, well, maybe this will help. And it didn't, but at the same time, I was really, really good at work.

And so, I, you know, work was my salvation, work was my validation. Basically, nobody knew that I was suffering from severe, anxiety and depression due to the snag-like childhood, until I hit rock bottom on my 25th birthday, when I drunk-diled my therapist, threatening to hurt myself.

And she, this super calm, stable European woman who always looked so reserved, she was leaving me voicemails trying to find me, and they sounded desperate. And when I heard that how scared she was, then I got scared, and I thought, if I don't save my life, I'm not gonna have much of a life to live.

And so my first book by yourself, The Fucking Lillies, is all about just attacking the problem of, can I find stability? Like, can I just be content? I don't want to suffer through my whole life. My inside internal monologue is, you're ugly, you're bad. You're not worthwhile, you'll never succeed, you're too old to succeed. I was 25, I'm telling myself there was no way forward.

And so over the course of five years, I did heal myself and that's what lilies is all about. And of course, when you heal yourself and you're like, oh, I'm all done, this is over, it's like the moment you say that something hits you. For me, it was, I lost my job at Comedy Central. You said this, I had staked my identity to that job because first off, I thought it made me less of a weirdo. You know, none of my friends could relate to my predicament. Now I know so many people can relate,

but then I felt really alone. And so this super glamorous job where I'm in charge of key and peel show and David's spade show, I could point to that and say, Ta-da! Like, I'm not only, you know, doing well, I'm slaying, I'm killing it. Aren't you jealous of this glamorous life I lead? It was status for me. Like I'll admit that. And so when the job was pulled away from me, I was like, wait, who am I? I have invested every ounce of myself into this job. I don't even know how to function without a boss telling me what to do, where to be,

telling me what to do, where to be, and in that vacuum, all of these new traumas boiled to the surface, the things that I thought would overwhelm me if I ever tried to deal with them. Like, I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah, I healed enough. But like these things, these feelings, I don't really have to deal with. So over the course of five years, I created a 600 page Google Doc with questions like, it was, it was a lot. I'm extra if you haven't noticed right now. And I created all these rituals that are so basic but actually really changed my life and are available to everybody.

I mean, that's what Lily's is all about. Even something simple like journaling has profound effects. So, I've done all this work. I'm feeling really good about myself stable. The rug has pulled out from under me. I lose my job. I have all this trauma just like surging. I cannot control it.

I don't have the power to control it. And I thought, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna work harder. I'm gonna move to Arizona and help in the 2020 election and not deal. And so I packed up my Prius of Doom, I grabbed my Vitamix and my Nespresso machine, the only things that mattered to me.

Got in my car, high-tailed it to Arizona, and I was driving in the Mojave Desert from LA to Arizona, to Flagstaff, Arizona, when I had the worst associative episode of my life. And if you haven't had one, it basically feels like your full body sick and your mind is trying to take you away from reality to protect you. I'd look at my hands on the steering wheel,

but they didn't look like my hands at all. And I decided, you know, I'm going 95. And if you know me, I should not be going 95 miles an hour. In the middle of this love child between a panic attack and a dissociative episode. And I realized, and I realized, whoa, I'm not safe. I have to pull over. Never in my life had I pulled over. I had just, you know, bought into the creed of hustle, you know, like keep going and working and that's your identity

and that's actually your passion and who you are. I had never questioned it. And so I pulled over, it was late at night. I looked up and I saw the stars. Like really saw the stars for the first time in many, many years and in L.A. there's so much light pollution. I don't think you even could. You know what? See the stars. It's so remarkable. When people know when you leave the city is when you see the stars and it's not exactly. And as I

looked up to the stars, you know, the one thing I knew about stars is we come from stars. Not in a, this will make you feel better, let me write it on a Etsy mug kind of way, but in a, the carbon in your muscles, the iron in your blood, you come from stars. And the stars glow no matter what. They come together because of pressures and gravity and nuclear chain reactions and all the super, super stressful things pull together stars and they glow. And we all like in a super fractured world, we all agree stars are awesome. Nobody's dissing stars, you know? Exactly. We give my first impression. So I think President, like I can name a star after you, like stars are awesome. Nobody's dissing stars, you know? Exactly.

So I could name a star after you. Like stars are not controversial. Stargazing, right? Yeah, it's a non-controversial topic. And they bring out a little awe in us when we look up. And so that's what glow in the Epping Dark is all about. It's about, can I recover my starust self, the what I was made out of in the beginning, before all the trauma, before all the BS, before the job defining me,

who was I, can I bring that person out? Well, how did you sit out to do that? How was that different from Lily? Did you tap back into what you already had known? What was the next layers now that you had to peel back? Yeah, now that I look at it, I realize I couldn't have experienced my soul. I'm making a wild claim here in Glund, the Eiffing Dark, Glund, the Fing Dark. I'm saying you can get right with your soul that I have spent time with my soul and I feel good about my soul. But in order to say something so woo-woo and like, wait what? No, that's like a bombastic claim. I had to do all the work of lilies. I had to build a content stable container basically for my life. You know that had rituals that gave me order and then once I had done that,

I could dig much deeper and you know find out what did the little girl inside of me, what did the star dust self really want? And that's the journey of going the fucking dark. I love when you talk about these practices, because the practices you developed, you said you developed them out of spite, and this is kind of something like the whole star dust thing you're too, like I'm not gonna really be like about star dust.

I'm not putting this out of mug, but it kind of like your whole attitude is like, I fucking hate this. I'm never gonna meditate. I'm never gonna do breath work. I'm never gonna journal. And then it's about a spite. You commit to them and turns out they work.

I am an optimist, but I'm also extremely reluctant and judgmental. So like first of all, I'm not like a meditation person sitting upon a pillow with patchouly burning all around me. I'm like, I want to go do karaoke tomorrow night who is coming with me. So my vibe is just not that out there for lack of a better word. So all of these rituals, I'm really skeptical of, you know, I've taken an example of having a gratitude practice. I left my childhood believing I had nothing to be grateful for.

You know, why would you be grateful for living in an open construction site as your house? Why would you be grateful for your parents going through a 12-year divorce? Why? And I was actually on vacation with a super duper privileged person. It was her family's compound in Maine. I don't have any second home, much less a compound. And her cousin, who had gone to Harvard,

become a professional ballerina before becoming a doctor. Like, wow, okay, I guess there are some people like that, she was so accomplished. And I was having a panic attack on this vacation about two different boys who didn't like me. And I was just like ruminating thoughts about them and anxiety and why don't they like me and I'm unlovable. That was what was going on in my mind. And she saw

me having a mental breakdown, the the ballerina medical cousin. And she said, why don't you try a gratitude practice? You know, gratitude brings such perspective into your life and positivity. And I was like, why don't you leave me the fuck alone? Art, like, are you kidding me? A gratitude practice could work for already happy people who had the means to go to these places and do these things, but it couldn't benefit me. So I wanted to prove a point that she was super wrong and out of touch. And that is the only reason I started a gratitude practice. I started really small on my list from the time,

and a gratitude practice is, you list things you're grateful for every day. There are many different gratitude practice, but that's the basic. And for me, I listed 10 things I was grateful for every day. And so it started with, you know, like number one, I am not grateful. Number two, this is bullshit. Number three, I hate this person. I won't name her.

But like, why am I even doing this? And then I was like, okay, I'm grateful for her special. I'm grateful for clean sheets. I'm grateful for water. Water's kind of a big deal, I'm grateful for my health. Oh my god, my health. I hadn't even noticed that I had been taking my health for granted. And by faking gratitude, I like could make gratitude because it opened my eyes to how much I really did have

as opposed to looking at what I didn't have. It flips the narrative of, I don't have enough and shows you, well, you have quite a bit on paper. And so for me, yeah, most of these practices, I only began because I wanted to be self-righteous, prove somebody else wrong. I didn't believe it. I was like, I gotta see this with my own eyes.

I can't even think of a time where I was taken in by something and just thought, that'd be fun to try. I'm very judgmental. And I could say that too. I've had our time with the gratitude thing too. I have a really close friend and she was like, look, every day my friend and I send each other these three grad every night we've been doing it for a year.

And I'm actually like, I'm an expert of studying other people's gratitude practices, but I haven't perfected it yet. But that's what worked for her was having a accountability partner in that. Or, you know, and when I do remember to do it, like at night, I try to think about what went right today, rather than what went wrong. And that's kind of a big love.

I just love that you were able to find these healing habits, because really tell a habit. Finding who works for you. And then continue to do it, like even just for a few days, like that's what, like giving people from Michigan right now, just to try it for a few days. The other part of gratitude that I love in your book

is you have started the gratitude practice, but then you started a body gratitude practice. The thing about the body stuff is hard, like there's so many times where I tell my listeners, like standing for the mirror, look at your body, say what you're grateful for, I'm even saying it in that tone, because I'm thinking that you're like, fuck you up.

You don't even make it in the mirror and be thankful for my knees and my tones. But I know that it works, right? And so I know that, and I know it's a big, difficult step for many people. So, tell us about your journey. Absolutely. You know, first off, if you feel like you hate your body, of course. Like everybody, it's not like a moral failing, it just makes sense. We live in a culture that tells us to hate our bodies, so we buy stuff,

right? So just first thing, if you hate your body, you are normal. Second thing is I developed boobs like early, right? I'm in life. And I always considered myself to have a matronly bosom. And it was like this mass was just attached to my torso and I didn't know what to do with it. And even in college, I remember being like, I am a less attractive Velma from Scooby Doo. I would place my boobs in a, what I call a boobshelf, which is, remember, like, I would go to the gap

and get, it had no underwire, it was just a place to put your boobs, basically. And like, no definition. So I just, I felt horrible, and I wasn't taking any steps to help myself. And it might have kept going this way, except I was buying a dress. You know, I looked at it and I'm like,

it was ruched and ruching is the sworn enemy of the big chested. It is almost impossible to pull that off. And I'm like, oh no, it's just yet another thing I can't wear. And she said, well, have you tried a good bra? And I was like, no, what? Like that sounds too fancy expensive. I hate my boobs. Why would I honor them? And that's when I realized, wait a second. What if I tried the complete opposite of how I feel, which is to honor my breasts and treat them to a delicate,

perission lace bra that gives me definition. And that's exactly what I did. And these bras were like $100. It wasn't cheap. It was within my means, like a little bit of a struggle at that point to even consider $100 brought, right? But it completely changed my whole life because I was no longer totally critical of myself. Instead, I was taking a step to make my body fun. You know, my boobs look amazing and a pink mesh bra with a giant bow on them. And that's for me. You know, I get to see that when I'm getting dressed in the morning. And so body gratitude is really about reframing our bodies as miraculous, machines slash sculptures. How do your body even come about? How did the stars know to make you? How does your body know what it's doing? How can it have babies automatically?

How can it do any of these things? And so I started just getting into the awe and wonder of my body like, whoa, it can run. Why? Like, why is that the case, you know? And thinking my body like, oh, yes, thank you, lungs. Thank you, running. Thank you, really seeing everything that it did do, honoring myself

with different rituals like a luxurious bath, right? And thinking like, this is for my tummy that I hate. Is this beautiful bubble bath where I'm going to celebrate that, wow, I have enough food to eat. I actually am alive and have a tummy. That means I'm alive like I'm here, right? And so it's all about finding What can you be grateful for? Not in a woo-woo faux grateful way. There's all this debate about body positivity body

Like I don't want to be a part of anybody's conversation about my body. It's mine. It's mine. I don't care what you think about yours. That's your own business. While I'm alive, I'm going to feel very grateful for mine. It definitely was a process, but I cannot even believe that I don't hate my body anymore. I thought it was amazing when you write that you would never wear a bikini. I love all your footnotes because first I say, you never wear a bikini now you're bikini. And then you're like crop tops. I'll never wear a crop top. And love all your footnotes because first I say never bikini now you're bikini and then you're like crop tops. I'll never wear a

crop top and then you're like update. I am wearing a crop top now. I'm like girl it's just so real. I love I went from the ultimate crop top paid arose like wait where's the rest of the shirt you can't charge me full price. This is not okay to whoa my body is actually awesome. I am gonna be flaunting this mid-drift as much as I can. I never wore bikinis. I was so afraid. I was like, yeah, I'm so ugly and gross and boys won't like me if they see my body to through body gratitude. Being like, I'm sexy as hell. I'm not taking a bikini off ever. Like, there's no age at which I think it would be inappropriate to gleefully display my body in the exact way that I want. So yeah, my opinion does change,

you know, and it definitely as an author, I was afraid to write a follow up to lilies where I said, whoa, I had more problems, because I thought people might say, oh, if you're a self-care expert, look, your life was still a mess, but actually the real truth is we all swing between these things, and we all change our minds, and I think people can relate to that because I'm not trying to make everything look really good.

Well, I think that it's so relatable and real, it just illustrates the fact that we are never done. And people ask me like, you must have the perfect relationship and the perfect sex. Like, I'm totally, I am a real person. I have the same struggles as everyone else said. Sometimes I don't want sex. Sometimes I don't feel great in my body.

You know, it's like, you never done. Coming back to how self-worth kind of affects our sex lives, this can also tie into the body of it because I'm sure it helped you being in the bedroom with a bra that you felt good, rather than not. You tell me that low self-worth makes authentic sex impossible. You were saying that you were having sex in the dark before, which I think is very relatable for so many people.

So why is healing the relationship with yourself so important to having healthy intimacy with yourself and others? Yeah, I'm so glad you asked this question because I don't even think any, like we know what intimacy is first off. And then we second off, definitely don't know what intimacy is

if we are not intimate with ourselves. It always begins with us. And people are reluctant to do self-care because they're like, it's narcissistic and selfish and shouldn't you be helping the world? And I lovingly remind people, aren't you a member of your community, aren't you a part of the world? If you are unhealthy, you are our weak link.

So let's localize this. Let's do what we actually can. Let's make change in the one place we absolutely know we can with ourselves and take responsibility. So self-care when done authentically and not like a day at the spa is always community care. And so if you can't be intimate with yourself, if you can't have some amount of body gratitude, honesty, like not having to fake your life, having self-compassion, not beating yourself up all the time.

If you can't do those things, how will you do them with other people? And it's a cliche for a reason. If you can't love yourself, it was really hard to love anyone else. And it's tied to self-worth. What happens when we have low self-worth? We shrink from our

lives. We put other people down. We're afraid to be vulnerable because we don't want to feel any worse. There are all these other consequences to having low self-worth that affect all of your relationships, not even just sexual, but literally every relationship in your life, and especially if it's intimate and sexual, because as you said, I could only have sex in the dark. All the lights off, no candles, like pitch black. I don't want you to see my body. That's not very sexy or inviting, either for me. Doesn't set the mood for me to feel like I can experiment

with things and be tender and soft when I'm bracing and scared. So it's not good for you, it's not good for your partner either because again, what does it say? I don't trust you, I'm scared, I'm entering into this as like the smallest version of myself. And I'm not knocking anyone who has sex in the dark because again, I was there. But now that I'm in the light and actually love myself, which, you know,

I almost hesitate to say because as I say it, it still sounds cheesy to me, but it's a huge accomplishment if you can just even like yourself. And it opens you up to be open and vulnerable and soft with the people around you. And so that's why self-worth is so tied to sex. Because what is more intimate than sex? Yeah. Very little. What does it say about our culture that we cringe when we say self-love? You know, like, you take a step back and like, wait, why is that a cringey statement? You know, it's because we're told not to take care of ourselves, taking care of ourselves is selfish.

We should do everything in the external world, but nothing internally. It's only like a six society where admitting that you actually have compassion for yourself is like so cringey and bad and how dare she say that. Oh my god, that's a great point. What is wrong with us? Stay right where you are after the break. Tower and I are answering all your questions. I would love your help answering listener questions. A lot of people have written in about body confidence and dating and we didn't even get into your dating stories, but I knew you'd be able to help us here because you have so many wonderful, relatable stories in the book.

I would say they're wonderful. They're helpful. Let's say that. Well, they were terrible for me, but I'm glad they were helpful for you. They're not delight to read, but they didn't sound so much fun. I'm glad I wasn't there. This is from Ruby, 34 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been dealing with extreme disappointment and dating for several years now. Burnout doesn't feel like a strong enough word for it. I want to find a partner, I want to have the kind of amazing sex I've always craved. I'm

open to the fact that those things don't have to happen at the same time or from the same person. Yet dating is a consistent disappointment. Whether I'm on apps, at single events, speed dating, matchmakers, you name it. I've tried it with no success, neither for relationships, nor quality sex partners. I've said to my therapist the most discouraging part is that no matter how much effort I put into dating or taking a break from dating, or learning or working on myself,

the other half finding another person is still entirely out of my control. The best case scenario I can manage of my own volition is dodging bullets. I'm at the point where I'm going to see a professional dom just to feel present to my sexuality again, which I feel no shame over, but that's not a financially viable long term solution. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel hopeless. Do you have any advice at all? Please. So just to recap here, basically Ruby is saying that she's burnt out with dating. She's

kind of at this. It's never going to work. I'm trying to find a sex partner. I'm trying to find a long-term partner. Matchmaker's speed dating. And she just can't find someone. It sounds like she's done a lot of work, but she's at this point of burnout. And I know you've kind of been there, Tara. What would you say would be some steps to get her going here?

First off, Ruby, this is 100% relatable to me. I'd say for 10 years was dating in a way that was just disappointment after disappointment. Relationships came to feel bad. They weren't fun. They were just always a terrible experience. What I was craving was someone else to validate me. So I'd put up with basically anything

as long as someone would do one nice thing for me. I basically, um, to quote Taylor Swift, I realized, hi, it's me. I'm the problem. It's me. I took a year off dating to being therapy to learn how to be with myself. You know, I take myself on dates at restaurants. I mean, I experimented a little bit with like, vibrators and stuff like that. I wanted these things, but I thought, if I can give them to myself, if I can get more intimate with this,

I'm probably going to have better luck in the external worlds. And by taking that year off, I really did. I pretty immediately fell in love and had a relationship. It didn't end so well, but I got to feel what it was like to have a fun relationship again. So she mentions that she took some time off.

I just ask, was it intentional? Was it like intentional with I'm gonna nurture myself or was it something's wrong with me and I'm alone and I'm just I need to do this step. Did she make it lovely for herself? That would be my first question. And then I just think this is also Ruby is not alone. This is normal to me to feel this way about relationships.

So I'd also just say there's so many people with you on this one. Yeah, those are all great points there because I feel like what's so relatable is that she feels like she's tried it all. And then in reading this here, it says she says it's a disappointment. She says she's dodging a bullet kind of feels like she thinks that everybody's a disappointment. And so I feel like that sort of two sides the same coin here. She's saying like it's not been working out, but also like to feel that everyone is a disappointment. And so I feel like that sort of two sides the same coin here, she's

saying like it's not been working out, but also like to feel that everyone else's disappointment is another way of saying like, you're probably not in a place where you're able to even see people right now. Like it's probably like you're going to find the negative in everybody because you've had a series of disappointments. And so really taking intentional time, and I did it years ago, I called it a Manatorium. It was like a more time than men. And I announced it on the show. And I was like, I am taking six months and I am not dating. And I actively like having an accountability partner too. So helpful. I had my nurse. I was like, all right,

week one, you know, week two. And the way it's so great is because you really can do all the things that you truly want to do without even thinking about dating. I think that our society puts so much pressure on. If you're single, it's just to stop over. You should be with someone else. You're only half a person right now. It's such a relief, too, to say, I'm just taking this whole thing off the plate.

I'm going to think about dating. What do I want to do? Who am I without a partner? And really taking steps, being accountable, whether it's like starting the course or looking for the new job or new workout routine or whatever it is, that's just really about your mental health and your physical health or whatever it is that you need to work on. And you do that for a period of time. When you come back to it, it can't help but feel different, refreshed, renewed.

And the people that you're going to find, you'll look at a lot differently, the people that are attracted to you and that you're attracted to, we're going to look a bit little bit different because you did something different to grow. If I could add one thing to this that really helped me and I'm just sorry I didn't remember it immediately, was you're lucky to be single. I'm lucky to be single because there was a time in which, you know, women had to get married for financial support protection. And it was just what was done. And now the fact that we have options

and that you can lead a life or you support yourself and get to spend time with yourself and get to know yourself, there's a different way to look at this, which is, wow, go you, use this time super wisely, feel gratitude for that. And honestly, that probably more than anything, it was the break, and then, whoa, I'm lucky, not, whoa, what do I lack? That flip the script.

And like you said, almost immediately, I found a completely different kind of relationship. Yeah. I think they're all tied together. I can't imagine that that's a coincidence. I feel the same way. I always really actually like being single to a fault, but it is true when you reframe that, you really can just get a high on just off of like your life alone and you are very grateful. Like I know that my mom's generation like couldn't get credit cards on their own.

Like couldn't get this for us. So it was just a different time. And this is still fairly new when you think about it in recent generations that we can actually thrive, be alone. There's more single people than ever before living alone. And I think that's a good thing, rather than being toxic relationships we can't get out of. Okay, speaking of toxic relationships, though, let's help April. She's 35 in Los Angeles. Hello, Dr. Emily, I got of a toxic and abusive relationship about two years ago. I've been writing it out there to start casually dating for a while now, but it's just that

isn't happening. I've gained some weight, which has made me much more self-conscious. When I go out with friends, they're always being hit on and asked out, and I never get asked out, which makes my confidence so much worse. How can I start dating again? Thanks. All right, April, thank you so much for your question. Again, highly relatable to be out of a toxic relationship.

Start dating, but then not feeling that great about yourself, right? And thinking that your body is a thing that it's going to keep you from dating. And how about this, Tara, that you think, once I lose the weight, then I can date. Once I get the job, then I can date. I hear that from a lot of people, right?

Once I get my whole life together, then I can date. Or once I see a toxicity. First off, you know, she just got out of it. Maybe there's some time that she needs to heal again, just to our same advice to Ruby. Like, maybe she's not ready yet. Maybe there's some some work to do. If she just got out of it, what are some things that have helped you with confidence in this way? Tara. I think the main thing that I'm sharing in on is she says about her friends, they're always being hit on and asked out.

And I just question that when you find yourself saying, always, it never happens forever. I'm like this forever. Really? Can you not think of one time where you were hit on or flirted with? Like really think about it and question yourself, is this actually true? And I would bet money that this is not actually true for April, that there have been instances, but that she's down on herself. So she needs to open up the aperture

and see, wait, there was that great person that I dated. Wait, I remember when this person came up to me and asked a question. And really, when it's black and white, question it. I love what you said about the black and white question. There's two things I want to say. First, you may be thinking about this aside note in relationships. If you ever said your partner or if you're dating someone, you're like, you always do this. You never do this.

You know, every single time you do, you're dating someone, you're like, you always do this. You never do this. You know, every single time you do, you're automatically put your part in the defensive, a fright on the defensive, your colleague, your coworker, you're talking that way, is it helpful in life? But certainly not helpful for yourself. So I love that you pull that out, Tara, that's such a big one. And the second one I want to remind her is that she says

she has gained weight, which has made herself conscious when she goes out with my friends. And so therefore, she's already walking in the bar with her friends. And she's already self-conscious, looking for her friends to succeed and she's not. I don't think she's ready to go out yet. Like why put yourself through that?

Is there even a little ritual or something like, even for me when I'm going anywhere where I'm not feeling great my best self, I've learned like for me what helps is I will sit in the car and I will breathe for three minutes. I have this breathing app or I'll count to 10. I will remember a few positive affirmations. Just try to reframe and get myself in a mindset.

I do some somatic like shaking sometimes or some tapping to get myself out of a negative state. I have enough experience knowing that when I show up somewhere in a bad place, it's not going to serve anyone, certainly myself. So maybe there's some kind of pre-going out ritual she could do to get back into her body. And pop it up. I love that. We got you here, April. Keep us posted. I love that you wrote in and that you're willing to do the work here. It takes a while to get out of these toxic places, right? It's like a condition we go through. It's an experience and it's not so easy to shake some of that off. This next one is from Zuzana, 35 in London. Hey Dr. Emily,

help you well. Thanks for all you do. My question is, how do I go about sexual explorations when I'm healing from trauma and don't have a partner? I've spent my entire adult life recovering from trauma. I've had great sex with my first boyfriend, but if since really shut down and rarely had a good time with a partner, now I feel ready to become a woman. Have some fun, pleasurable exploratory sex, but I don't have a partner and don't want to wait for commitment or commit to someone just for the sex of it. Where do I start? What questions do I ask myself and other people?

What is safe sex for someone who's worried about sex triggering trauma responses? Please help. All right, Juzana, thanks for your question. The first thing that I want to say, a lot of us have traumas and sexual traumas, and it does make it hard to connect to a partner for sure. And what I want to say is I would love to have a practice where you can link sex to your own pleasure to yourself rather than linking it up to somebody else. And that's why I'm a huge fan of solo sex. So I would how do you encourage you to continue or to start a healthy solo sex practice? So your arousal and your desire and your orgasms can be connected to something that you are able to provide yourself.

And that also just helps with confidence and love for our bodies and acceptance for our bodies when we see how much they can do, going into a body, gratitude practice about, wow, I can give myself orgasms, you know, is an amazing thing to do. So I would just recommend that you want to keep that going. We have to keep our own pilot lights lit, whether with a partner or not. But what about the part about, what can she ask herself and other people, safe sex in a trauma response,

and through anything that's relatable to you here, Tara? Yeah, I would say if you're afraid that you're gonna be having trauma responses, don't push yourself. If you already know, oh no, this is gonna trigger me, you need to work on the trigger, not push yourself and then condemn yourself for like, oh why am I crying? This is so bad.

Don't put yourself in that position to begin with. And I think one way you can do that is exactly what you're saying Emily is solo sex. It's so important, especially for those of us who have been through issues that really have affected our sexuality, that we get comfortable and safe, safe with ourselves. To me, that's what I hear under this question is how can I find safety? And for better or worse, the first place you find safety, real everlasting safety, is with yourself. So finding confidence, finding

self-worth, getting over this abusive relationship, forgiving herself, that she's having these things, it's just normal to have trauma responses like this. And she doesn't need to retraumatize herself by forcing it. I think we just need to be way more gentle with ourselves. And when we suffer, recognize it. It's such a great point that like we, I feel like this has been sort of a theme here. Like we're pushing ourselves. I need to be dating. I have to be out there.

What do I do? But I'm not ready. Well, if you're not ready, like, what else do you need to know there? Right? Yeah. And the other thing, before we get into safety, because I do want to get into safety for a minute, all of your writings on safety really resonated with me and others. But the first thing I want to talk about is I often recommend to people who have trauma and specifically sexual trauma or really any

trauma, but here is sexual trauma is EMDR therapy, which I've done and I know you've done and it's trauma therapy and I've heard you talk about it. Another thing that you were kind of weary of, but it was very helpful for you. So maybe you could talk about your experience with that. Yeah. First off, it sounds completely fake and and which she in not a good way like in a used car salesman kind of way. Like, there's something off because what they tell you about EMDR is that they're going to stimulate bilateral stimulation. So like, what does that look like? When I'm with my therapist, it looks like I put two Post-it notes on my computer and

I sweep my eyes from Post-it note to Post-it note to the sound of a metronome. And there are lots of different ways. Now you tell me how that is going to be helpful. That just sounds fake. But it had been recommended to me as one of the best ways to get over trauma. I was very reluctant. I started researching the hell out of it. And it turned out it was one of the ways that people get over PTSD from war.

The government is saying, this is legit, this works in the most extreme case. And I thought, well, if it's good enough for veterans, I can give it a try. And the idea behind it is that our brains can heal themselves. And we actually know that from neuroscience, that we have neuroplasticity, which means we can rewire how we think. And what we think about ourselves, you were saying the positive affirmations.

The reason that positive affirmations is cheesy as they are at work is because they build new neural pathways and undo the stories that you have now made true about yourself. Because if you think, I'm ugly, sex, sex, I'm never going to find a partner, how do you start behaving, right? We behave on what we think. So chance start, you're making that true for yourself. And until you step back, rewire your

brain, which is completely possible with practice, you're going to keep making the same mistakes that are hurtful and painful and that you don't want. So EMDR, the idea is that your therapist isn't even giving you insights. In talk therapy, you say, oh, this happened and this happened, and then your therapist says, yes, what do you think about your father? Could you see that maybe it's about your dad, right? The therapist doesn't say anything even near that. The therapist is just there to guide your brain healing itself and it works. I mean, Emily, you know. Yeah, it really does work. I've been seeing its praises for so long, but the funny thing is you're doing it on Zoom, which I had to do well with the metronome during the pandemic.

But it's funny enough, it seems like everything in my life come back to vibrators. I did it with buzzers in my hand. But I have a basically a vibrator in each hand. And like buzz buzz buzz. And like, of course, it's always a vibrator, but that's how we did it. But it really, the same thing. It's almost like your brain can change. And what I found is thoughts or events that would normally trigger something from me just no longer did it. I'm like, wow, that person called me and it had no effect on me.

And that's how you know it's working. And it isn't a lot of like, tell me about this. It's less talking. It is more feeling. And it's more embodiment. And it's more somatic. And I just, I think it's like, tell me about this. It's less talking. It is more feeling and it's more embodied and it's more somatic.

And I just, I think it's like, it is the best. Some of the best therapy out there. So highly recommend it. I do love the way you talk about safety. It's very relatable to my journey too, in the sense of, you know, you were saying in your book like you talk about having a high tolerance for being unsafe, like people would say to you,

that's so brave you camp in the desert alone, that's so brave you take these risks. I had a lot of that too. That I'm always doing these things. You're like, wow, you're brave. I'm like, I literally don't even think of it as brave. I just grew up with not a lot of emotional safety growing up. And some physical safety. So then in a way, it makes me brave. But also, when we don't feel safe in our bodies, also really hard to feel safe in the bedroom. It's hard to let go. It's hard to let ourselves have pleasure.

You can talk about your dreams, absolutely. Yeah, I didn't even know safety was a thing. I was in Zion camping alone, which I didn't even think twice about. I'll pick up and move to Arizona. I'll camp alone in Zion. I'll go on a two-week vacation to Buenos Aires and not tell anybody. And my friends are like, wait, what?

That's so brave. And no, it's just I never even thought to do differently. And so I was on this camping trip, camping I use generously. I was going into town to get take out food. And I'm waiting for my burrito when I hear this dad talking to his family and he says to his kids sons we're going to go can you nearing tomorrow I don't really know what that is but I've hired a guy to take us so even when you're scared he's done at hundreds of times you're going to be safe and I was like mind blown. Parents tell their kids they're going

to be safe and do something to make sure that their kids are safe. I mean, I grew up in a house, you know, I said where things came to die. It was also an open construction site for most of my life where you'd see the insulation and the drywall ripped open and it was on a literal shaky foundation. It was a very unsafe place to grow up. And so after this, I realized, oh, wait, that's one of the primary jobs of a parent is to make their kids feel safe.

Because I was told over and over again that I might get raped or murdered or kidnapped by my mom, there was a lot of crime also when I was growing up. I was just surrounded with messages of how unsafe the world was. Nobody ever did anything about it. Nobody was like, well, I'll protect you. And so what I've come to realize is that so many of us walk through this world with a low key anxiety about our safety.

And outside our door, I don't have to tell anybody, we've all been here the past three years. Some things are really unsafe, you know, if you're feeling anxious, there's a real reason why, and it's in the physical world, but we need to build a sense of safety for ourselves, because the situations around us, we can't control, but we can find peace and home inside of us that we can take into all these situations. And for me, the easiest way to do that is actually by journaling, by creating a physical safe space for all your emotions, by putting it on the paper, seeing that it doesn't overwhelm you, seeing that you have a place just to be yourself repetitively every day, builds a sense of safety within yourself that you can take anywhere. And so, you know, as you said, it's impossible to be intimate

with yourself or anyone else if you're eight out of ten worried about your safety, but don't even know that. Just you experience it somatically as a low-key dread, anxiety, feeling scared, and we really, it's essential, it's foundational to have a sense of safety. It's hard to dream or hope or do anything when you're like, oh my God, am I going to be okay? It's such a great point, and I think it's something for people to look at now in relationships, do you feel safe?

Is it something that's really comes up in your life as a theme? Because I think that we don't often think that it's even a factor, but again, that could go back to a trauma. Like I think that we talk a lot about trauma, but it actually is relevant. It's a way of dealing with emotions

that we never really processed or events in our life. And we all have them, right? I mean, everyone. Everyone has them. So, and then I think safety is a big part of those traumas. So learning to feel safe. I love all your journal, your journal prompts and the, but you don't even encourage me. Don't you also like offer this for people they could journal with us?

I have a journaling club. Oh, it's called the Glow Gatters. It's on my sub stack, which is my newsletter where I give prompts every week. We meet up and work on ourselves, but even if you just want a journaling practice and you don't have one yet or you wanna tune up yours, journaling is my passion. I freaking love this community.

And my shout out for journaling that I wanna give right now is it's also science backed. This again, it's not some, oh, like it's not like some soft, like blanket, you know, it's not that way. It's scientifically proven, clinically proven over and over and over again. One of the best things you can do for anxiety, depression, even physical ailments. They've seen people heal faster because if they're journaling, because they're cortisol levels are lower, their immune systems, they feel good about themselves.

They have less stressors, so the body's actually able to heal itself naturally. Just Google, NIH, National Institutes of Health, studies on journaling. The stuff is widely available, and so the reason I'm so passionate about journaling is because it changed my life. It's scientifically backed, and I know it can change others, and I just wanna help people on that journey for lack of a better word.

Are you of the camp? I believe that you are that it should be pen to paper, and not technically. Absolutely, yeah, don't type it. I'm with you. Because it's the mind-body connection. That's it. You just can't. Loads you down. Absolutely. Yeah. Don't take it. I'm with you. Because it's the mind body connection. That's it.

You just can't. Loads you down. Oh my God. So helpful. Power. You have so many great tips. I just love having you on the show. I have to ask you the five quicky questions we ask all of our guests.

And then we're going to let people know where they can hang out with you. Okay. First thing that comes to mind. Ready? Your biggest turn on. Ooh. Glasses. I like. Ooh, glasses. I like a man in glasses.

Biggest turn off. Smoking. What makes good sex? The lights on. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. This can be really fun and pleasurable, and if you're having a horrible, disappointing time

every single time, maybe pause for like one minute and address the underlying issue. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That it can feel so good, because I didn't know that until like this year even, that it could be so pleasurable and that someone else could give me such pleasure.

I didn't know that that was in the car. So this year we didn't cover that. I think we have, it will quickly, what happened this summer? Can you tell us what happened this summer? Yeah, so I was dating someone who Emily actually even knows. And he had explored his own sexuality and spent a lot of time doing so. And so he was kind of like an expert on things that were maybe a little more kinky.

And I was always like, I'm not kinky, that's not me. And then we actually used your yes-no maybe list. And started openly talking about it, which was another thing I had never done before, and being playful and experimental, and I felt safe in myself, and I felt safer on him. So for the first time ever, I took like more of a step into some kink

and some stuff I had never thought about before, and oh my God. It's like, wow, my body can do these things. The relationship ended in a disaster, which is a completely different story, I'm so glad that you were able to have that experience this year. Right? Thank you. And that's for being part of what gave it to me. I'm here for you, guys. That list. I love the list.

We love the list. We'll also put that in the show notes. But tell people where they can get the list. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for you.

I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. I'm here for part of what gave it to me. I'm here for you. That list. I love the list. We love the list. We'll also put that in the show notes, but tell people where they can find you Tara and join you on your journey here. So you can find my book anywhere. Books are sold target. Amazon, your local independent bookstore. My new book is Glow in the Fucking Dark. And if you enjoyed this, I think you'll enjoy Glow in the Fucking Dark. And then if you want to be in a conversation with me, join my newsletter, which you could Google, taroshuston newsletter, or go to taroshustor.substac.com. And that's where I have the journal and club, and that's where I'm talking to readers all the time. I'm also an Instagram, but but the substocks were it's at. And we're gonna link all things Tara in the show notes.

Thank you for being here, Tara. I adore you. Thank you, Emily. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com

was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmleek.com.