Sex With Emily - Strap-On Sex & Kinky Recs with Zoe Ligon

Episode Date: August 3, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex educator Zoe Ligon & the two of them cover topics from sexual mental health to chastity – even dildos! They discuss why it’s okay to take a break from dating, sex, or masturbation, ways to have fun exploring & getting into new kinks with your partner, as well as the latest & greatest sex tech news. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, Veritas Farms, BTL Emsella, SiriusXM, Promescent. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com For more information on Zoe Ligon, click HERE. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sex toys are treated like replacements for people or like things that are gonna amasculate somebody and I'm like Nobody feels amasculated when you use a fork to eat nobody feels amasculated when you use a power drill to construct something And then I friends were like, don't you masturbate? I was like, what the fuck is that? I don't need, I never even thought about it. It's such a clunky word too. And when you have a vulva there's not like any not that many cute words for it. No, I mean, I say jacking off. Right. Like I've claimed that word for myself. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

On today's show, I'm joined by sex educator Zoe Ligon and we're talking about God so much in this show. From sexual mental health to chastity to dildos. Trust me, this show is chock full. Topics include, why it's okay to take a break from dating, sex, or masturbation because we can only use one once in a while. Dildos, there's so many different types, so how do you find the right one for you? So how do you have fun getting into new kinks and exploring with your new partner? And the latest and greatest in the world of sex tech.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Betrubized, they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but all right? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com.

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Alright guys, I hope you enjoy this show with Zoe Ligon. Welcome back, Zoe, to the show. We're just gonna start cuz they're so much. I love seeing you. Okay, last time we were here, we talked about the unrealistic parts of porn. A myriad of sex toys that were both from Michigan. A lot of the stuff we've gone through.

And so what's since then, it's been a year. I feel like I love your Instagram. How can people find you on your Instagram? I'm at Thongria. That's my personal account. But the sex toy store that I own and run is Shop Spectrum boutique. Shop Spectrum boutique?

Check that out. So it's such a great mix of everything, with toys, who you are, what you're going through. It's very real and vulnerable, everything that you're putting out there. So what has happened in the last year? Do you feel like there's been any shifts? Let's talk with our industry. Any shifts in sex that you've seen or with toys or products or anything happening? There are so many new innovative things, and when people talk about sex tech innovation,

I feel that my previous assumption was like, oh, something robotic, something app compatible. But I think that the coolest innovations are things that are actually non-motorized and just like really ingenious shapes. Tell me. The New York toy collective, Jack, is a two-in-one masturbation sleeve and packer. So it's like, you know how there's those packing penises that you can wear to get a bulge? They created a super soft silicone one that is also a stoker. So it's like a realistic phallus that also is a stoker.

And there's like other stokers out there. Most of them are elastomer and not silicone. And none of them look like a penis. So just great for gender affirmation. It's hard to, I'm like, why are more people making silicone stokers? Because you can get silicone that soft safely these days. Yeah, I don't know what.

So you're saying it could be in your pant and you could have it as your packer. Yeah. But then you're like, oh, and now it's time to masturbate. Exactly. It's seamless. I love it too far. I love things that went for all.

I do too. I love it. Okay, so seem like there's definitely more products and companies run by women, made for women by women. A lot of the CBD, THC stuff. Products, like last year at the show, there was more, what do you think? I think that CBD is like, it's interesting that the sex industry has taken CBD under its wing because I have noticed a lot of crossover people who used to work in the cannabis industry now getting into the sex industry.

Right. There's definitely like a nice friendship. And back then, it's a nice friendship. Back then, it's a nice friendship. Back then, it's a nice friendship. Back There's definitely like a nice friend for it. I'm surprised, first of all, sex and drugs. Like why didn't I have it sooner? I guess I can't because it's just a big letter. I don't even consider having a drug at this point. Yeah, no, I can't.

It's like my daily medicine as a card carrying misogender. Right, exactly. How have you found it, helps our others, maybe you hear from two, for sex, like the looms and they're even just anxiety. I personally use the foria awaken the most. I just like the smell of it,

and I'm not usually like a scent in fragrance person, but it's pretty mild. It makes, I hate when people use terms like it's going to change orgasm because everybody's experience of it is so different. Right. But for me, it just feels like the sensations in my G-spot or just all of the sensations feel more easily accessible.

I have a really hard time feeling like connected to my body and staying present, especially during sex, it's really easy to let your mind wander when you don't feel totally comfortable in your body. And I'm sure we're going to get deeper into this, but as a very trauma-centric educator at the moment, just because I've been unpacking so much childhood and sexual trauma, that it's like, okay, I've been unpacking so much childhood and sexual trauma that it's like, okay, I really need things to get me focusing on what I want to be focusing on.

Right. Another thing I oddly, I'm really into right now, is feather ticklers. Really? Yeah, it's something that I've sold for years now and just been like, it's great. It over has to be fun. But like, I'm exactly, exactly. No, I love feather ticklers. I want to like make a deluxe line of feather ticklers because I hate how they're all so inexpensive

and fall apart really easily. They do. Well you get some drags in your lube and there it goes, like some soggy feather tickler that doesn't feel good if you get to do it. It's like, yeah, it's like body is somewhere. And I just feel really numb in my body a lot. It sucks. And it is a different type of stimulation

that isn't touch, but really, you know, it gives me the tingles as ASMR does. So I love ASMR. Just learning what that is too recently. I did not know. It's like, how do you, it's sent, it's the sound, the things that an auditory or sometimes visual, like now people are like feelings and

auditory. Visual things can set it off, but it's just the sensation of tingles going down your spine and it's one of those feelings that you know when you feel it and otherwise you don't. I discovered that I was like ASMR sensitive when I went to the eye doctor growing up because he'd be looking in my eye. He'd be looking in my eye, be like, so how school? I'd be like, oh, I'm so uncomfortable.

Exactly. I just took one example. I just took one example. I just took one example. Okay, wait, so tickler, so tell me, like, would it be, if you did start a line of tick, would it be like, different size feathers,

or you just like, is it just that? Maybe one that could cover more surface area. Yeah. I mean, I guess I don't like the idea that feathers come from animals, but like a large, if we could make more like ground. Yeah, like found on the ground feathers. But yeah, maybe just more surface area,

better adhesives. I don't know. To tell me how you use the feather. Because that's because we're right. And you're all the things you're saying, I'm like, by the get this feather tickler, it's really cool for center. But let's go deeper.

Tell me about an experience that you've had with the feather tickler. Oh, yes. I did Midori's 4 to Femme in San Francisco last August, I believe. And in her goodie bag, there were two techlers, you know, and I'm like, okay, well, I sell these, you know, like I'll take them anyway. I'll get to a friend. And then my boyfriend opened, my boyfriend was with me in San Francisco and we like open

up the bag and like he just ignores everything else and he's just like, these! I love them. And then it's literally like I just lay down on the bed like I'm on an examination table just like you know plopped their naked and You know you can use two at once or one at once, but he'll just like it's like a massage but with feathers and it's like not It's a Roger's I'm tickling him all over your body. I's... I know. And it's also not as strenuous as giving somebody a massage.

So I feel like it's a really sweet way that we connect, even if we're not going to have any other type of intercourse. But we just want to be like intimate. It's like intimacy over sex for me these days. Not that sex isn't part of their place. No, when you say sex, we're talking intercourse, and we are on this, right? We're on the same page that the fact that it's all defined

by just penis and vagina sex, which is as educated as we talk about, but really, all the time so many of the questions we get asked in life are like, what's wrong with me? Because I can't work as a enduring intercourse. My penis is getting softer than don't have intercourse. Guess what? There's so many other things on the table, everyone.

Let's get on board with that. They give out some information, right? Like what else is on the table? And then also just letting people or just, and you realize every day they're shocked. People don't realize that. We somehow feel like we fail if the orgasm doesn't come from an, of course.

If you kind of had sex or virginity is just penetration. So the whole thing is like insane to me because there is just dragon feathers and who knows if you got a feather tickler or you got something else, might lead to sex more likely to than just making out your partner and then sticking it in or doing whatever which is something that doesn't work for many people. No, I mean, and so many people learned how to stimulate

themselves with humping, up hello, or like an armchair or whatever. How did you learn? Sex toys. Really? That was the first thing you got found sex toy again. Yeah. I had partnered sex for five years before I even dreamt of masturbating. It's so weird to think back on what that mental block was, but I think it's again one of those blocked off trauma areas where it's like,

I don't wanna feel my own body with my own hands for whatever reason. So I needed, and I still at present need, a tool that I can use to interact with my body. And that is great. That's lovely for me, but it's like, sex toys are treated like replacements for people or like things that are gonna Amasculate somebody and I'm like nobody feels amasculated when you use a fork to eat nobody feels amascally when you use a power drill to

Construct something so why is this extension of your hand so different from any other appliance? Exactly. So what do you say to that when people are like why I don't need a toy? We don't need that or it's or it does feel like it's enough front to my mask. Yeah. I mean, people all the time are like, why don't you toy? Like I had this conversation three times already today. Three different interviews. So I just heard you say, I, it's probably depends on your talking. Yeah. It's like, it depends on the tone of voice so much as well. First of all, you don't have to use toys, of course. But if you want to use something and you are afraid about bruising somebody else's ego, why are you prioritizing

somebody else's needs before your own? I think the way it comes up for me the most is like, I want a sex way, but something that's like really inoffensive so that my boyfriend won't have a problem with it. And it's generally the male partner who is the person of concern. Although it's totally a double standard when it comes to toys for penises how that is stigmatized as being weird and creepy. Exactly, but I don't need that.

I got a hand, what do I need it for? But it's just try it because sex is this beautiful sensory experience that we're so limited. We just only see we all just many of us just scratch the surface of what's possible. So what if you did like the stronger? How cool would that be? Yeah.

I'm honestly just getting so excited to get older and feel even more comfortable in my body. I'm 27. I feel like my 20s are just like struggling, clawing my way out of adolescence. I really just want to be an older person with the life experience, but behind me to make me confident enough to not be this people-pleaser who will get all walked over

just to keep the peace or like, I'm this person who will just be like, oh, you decide things. And it's like, I'm this person who will just be like, oh, you decide things and it's like, I've deprived myself of this autonomy to the point where I have a hard time even figuring out what my actual needs are. And then if you can't communicate that to somebody, how can you expect a partner to just figure everything out for you? So that's what is so exciting about sex education for me

is that I truly feel like I learn alongside everybody else. And even if it's a lesson, I've already learned, I want to continuously relearn the lesson. Yeah. It's just what my brain gets off on. It's true. I think that you're always a teacher in the student, right? I think you're never done learning and I'm learning.

I can never hear things enough sometimes. It's like, and every time you hear, so it's like reading your favorite book when you go back and read it again, there's always like new things in it. So it's like, it's the same thing about this, this kind of work we do because it hits you with different points in your life,

but also like, like the feather tickers are great example. I've heard about, now I can't wait to go home. I've got six of them next to my bed and I'm just sitting there. I know what they are. And maybe I've tried it years ago, but it always lands differently if you're with different partners, you're just sitting there. I know what they are. And maybe I've tried it years ago, but it always lands differently. If you're with different partners,

you're in different space. I want to go to back to something you said about, not masturbating. So this is something that I just came up with this year because I've been doing some trauma work as well. It was more like emotional trauma work around it, but any kind of trauma is all trauma. A lot of mine's emotional too.

And I always thought to myself, why didn't I masturbate either? I was having sex for, but any kind of trauma is all trauma. A lot of mine's a mission. A lot of them too. And I always thought to myself, why didn't I master it either? I was having sex for four or five years before I even had heard of masterization. I had to be in class, literally. So I was like, in college, I must have been like 21. I was like, okay, guys, what is the big deal about sex? Like my boyfriend comes in from Michigan State,

pounding away at me, I was in Michigan. I'm like, I think- Hounding away truly, that's all they know how to do sometimes. They don't know what 18, 19. No. And then my friends were like, don't you masturbate? I was like, what the fuck is that? I don't even thought about it.

It's such a clunky word too. And when you have a vulva, there's not like any, not that many cute words for it. No. I mean, I say jacking off. Right. Like I've claimed that word for myself. Good, right.

Better than masturbation. I don't even like, there's so many words I don't love around sex. I just want to say jacking off. Like I've claimed that word for myself. Good, right. It's better than masturbation. I don't even like there's so many words I don't love around sex. I just want to kind of link us. I just, I want to change a lot of the words. A lot of the phrasing and sex, even just rebranding sex overall. I know. So anyway, what I realized was I was like,

well, then I got mad. I was like, why didn't anyone tell me about it? And then you hear all the stories about women who were like writing a horse at eight or a bike and then where they were shower, and they had an orgasm at nine, and they've known. I was like, well, why didn't I ever think about it? And then I realized, I think I had a lot of anxiety and trauma going up that there was no, I was like, probably went to bed every night, like, wound up in a ball that I wasn't like, let me explore, let me feel.

So same thing for me that sex was often very like, it wasn't until I started masturbating by toys that I actually learned to feel stuff during sex. And then doing Trump, have you done like Trump therapy at all? Have you done like EMDR or are you doing therapy? I haven't done that. I'm in talk therapy. I have tried various energy work things and I'm going to try more things and it's funny because I feel like I always need to preface that by saying like I was raised with a lot

of like woo woo stuff Chinese medicine, homeopathy. You know, my mom had macrabiotic food for me. I, you know, the first meat I ate was rabbit meat, like just alternative lifestyle in the early 90s. So it's funny because my therapist was like, you know, it's okay if you don't want to try this out, but sometimes energy work really helps people, but I also know it's a trigger for you potentially. Oh, I get that. I was like, oh, I'm time to try more stuff

if you have a person you really want to recommend to me. Right. I would recommend it just because it's more like, it's like scientifically proven to help people with trauma the way it works in the brain. It's not, I thought it was woo-ee too, but it's not woo-ee. It's like you basically go through your, and it reprocesses the way it works in the brain. It's not, I thought it was woo-ee too, but it's not woo-ee. It's like, you basically go through your,

and it reprocesses the way your brain is, and that when using these little buzzers, it's funny, they're little vibrators, you hold. I have your vibrators, but they're, so it's interesting to get to learn your body, but I think whether you've trauma or not for so many women, we are shut down, and we're not, so we started this conversation

talking about marijuana, marijuana. Are we here? How how can I pot? How is pot with a Michigan accent? With using things like that to get into the mood and to, and that's why I love a sensory player, five readers or toys, because so many of us are still in the belief that, and I get it now because with the series show too,

it's like callers from all over the States. That's so cool. It's really cool. It's really cool. And it's like, oh yeah, you're like me, but you're 40, you're 50 now and you're in Michigan, still, Ohio or anywhere, Florida, you're even in California, parts of California. And it's still like everything else, but penetrative sex is is is wrong. And I'm not having pleasure. And I've never had pleasure. And then just trying to get people into like just experimenting and trying and opening up because a lot of us like I said whether try or not we're still shut down We haven't had orgasms and we haven't had you know, what kind of questions are you getting at supposed to do?

We feel like there's trends here that happen and I feel like a lot of is just about I can't focus during sex I'm no longer I'm not mindful I can't have orgasms and a lot more pegging questions. Like those two. I have noticed, especially since I've started doing my own like sex adjacent podcast called Hot Brain with my boyfriend. Hot brain with my boyfriend. It's great because he is not in the sex industry.

So I love hearing his impressions of all the questions we get asked because I'm like immune to everything at this point. And he was like picking up on the fact that so many questions are asking about asexuality. And interesting. I think that, I mean, we know that roughly 1% of the population is asexual. And it's also very interesting because I made a post, there was like a butt plug that blush came out with, that had the colors of the asexual pride flag. And I posted that and it was so interesting how

there was a group of asexual folks who were like, this is so awesome. I love that there's like asexual pride flag colors on a butt plug. And you know, all of that asexual pride colors on a butt plug is like my favorite. But then you might also say, okay asexual, sexual pride colors on a butt plug is like my favorite. But then you might also say, okay, asexual, why would there be a butt plug with the asexual pride flag colors? Pleasure is a different thing from sexuality. And it actually started a controversy in the comments because there were a lot of asexual people who were like, I like, who don't enjoy pleasure whatsoever,

and they were like, don't misrepresent asexuals as people who, you know, want to use a butt plug. And, you know, I wasn't making a statement one way or the other, but it was interesting to see asexual folks who do enjoy stimulation, whether it's with themselves or with a partner they were romantically attracted to. And then the people who were just like, this is misrepresentation. And I think everybody is correct.

Like, I think- You're all good to choose what it means to you with anything, right? You're just like trying to show, but so you get a lot of asexual. So is it people saying, I'm, I think I'm asexual? Do you think I am? Because I think people think they are because they don't desire sex. Exactly. But they're not.

Yeah, you don't have an entire sex life and then not have sex and suddenly you're asexual. Right. It's, I mean, another controversial thing is whether there is a spectrum, I think that the, you know, demisexuality, like asexuality and sexuality, just like romantic attraction is a spectrum. But again, in this butt plug, debacle. Part of all in our business. Is there a butt bug? Yeah.

And it's a real debacle. Again, there's like people who are like, I'm asexual and there's no such thing as a spectrum. Your misarbre's not as just so, I mean, it was fascinating to me as somebody who is sexual, but also is trying to do their best to educate, you know, from a third person standpoint. Yeah, very interesting stuff. But I do think that we are in a particularly intense time to be sexually active right now,

not just because of what is socially and politically happening. I think that people are addressing trauma more. I think that just generally when your brain is more unpacking of things in the world around you and there's more language and awareness around sexual dynamics, it feels a lot more scary dive back in with that self-awareness of sexuality. Yeah. So, sometimes just the education itself makes us want to take us back to recalibrate. I think the trend for me is like, you know,

being a sex educator isn't like, I'm having this wild and crazy sex life, or like, I'm even good at sex. Like, you don't know if I'm good at sex. I might be terrible at this. Exactly, exactly. I mean, I like to think I know, you know the things I could do to make it better.

But like, I love how opening you are too. Right, exactly. I know already get there, but since we don't want sex, I'm not having sex all the time at all. Yeah. In fact, I've been on this little break for about like six, seven months. Hell yeah. It's literally, I don't know if I've gone this long before,

but I'm just like, I'm so not interested. I was like, I've been in this, um, people were like, well, is it like your sick of it? People were like, do you get sick of us talking about sex? Because, do you have any sex? Cause you talk about all the time. Like chefs still eat, right? But right now I've just been, I'm not even,

I don't think I'm asexual, but no, I've just, I've just been looking at other things and friends are feeling, but it's funny all those things that go out there by, I love that, and I love that you do a great job of this on your Instagram. And I have not listened to your hot brain podcast yet, but I'm sure.

I never like make my friends listen to it. You know what I mean? I'm never like, why didn't you listen to my podcast? I don't assume that anybody listens. And when my friends do, I'm shocked. That's how I feel. I'm like, oh, I got things. I would end that pusher.

Yeah. I'm like, you can listen or not. Or friends before and after. Not push them as stuff onto you. I think it's interesting how sex breaks are so relative because I have friends who are like, it's been three days. And then my friends who haven't had sex for years

are just like, please give me a break. Exactly. Right, no, it's right. People are like, oh, it's been a month, it's been whatever. But it was just like, yeah, I wasn't feeling it, you know, at this point, what I love is your Instagram that you are so open about your confidence. And even though you're not like a picture you know, at this point, what I love is your Instagram that you are so open about your confidence. And even though you're not like a picture you post, you're like,

I know, usually I'll post pictures of my tummy looking flatter, but this is how I am and turning around. And I think for some, you're beautiful woman and smart and just to be like, this is who I really am. And in all the different poses and faces and how would you explain that to you? Was it through posting things or through just being you that help with the confidence, or have you always had this confidence? And I get it all up and down every day. Confidence is so different. So self-esteem.

Do I have confidence? Yes, do I have self-esteem? I'm working on it. Right. It's such a good point. Let's talk about that for a minute. I think it's interesting, too, because I think the way I worded that post specifically about

my stomach, I didn't use any words like fat or body positivity, but I still had a lot of people saying, you know, body positivity isn't for thin women. And I completely recognize that it wasn't created by and for people who look like me. But at the same time, you just never know what's going on in somebody's brain. You can't look at someone's body and know if they have an eating disorder or not. But it was a great learning experience for me as well. I love when people are correcting me on stuff like that, but the truth of the matter is that my entire life I've had people walk up to me be like, congratulations on your baby. And like to have people. Never say that to anyone you've never.

Never do. And just having glimpses of the way the outside world would look at me, I guess I didn't, I wasn't born feeling uncomfortable in my skin, but also I was like a studio dance student for a decade and being the tallest girl who's also the largest in your class. Like I was always, you know, stuck in the back because I was so big, you know, quote unquote relative to every other girl in the class.

So it's like, it's really society reinforcing these messages, but it really is so much about needing to take a step back from clothes and makeup and beauty and all the messages we're sent. Even just landing in LA, leaving Detroit, and I went to a restaurant and I was genuinely just like, where the fuck am I? You can, I mean, I think I'm starting to learn about... Because all the beauty or the showy or whatever, like fillers. Oh yeah, that, the last surgery, which I'm not here to say whether that's right for you or not, but that's just not Michigan.

It's just not in Michigan. It's not Michigan. It's not. When I moved to LA from Michigan, it was from Stanford, well actually it wasn't in San Francisco either, to be honest, but when I moved here, I was like, oh, it was everyone's breast or fake or everyone. It's just a different zero to judgment, but it's always like, well, where you see it's

drawing. The closer I feel like my body is to the supposed standard of what society thinks beauty is, the less good I feel about myself. Interesting. And some of the most confident times I've been are, you know, when I maybe was less like that social norm. Explain that from it. What do you think that is?

I think it's just this preoccupation, like so many other things that we used to distract ourselves. It's like if we can focus on perfecting this external shell of ours, it's a really convenient distraction from what's going on inside of our hearts and our minds. I'd rather be worrying about the way I look than my childhood drama. Right. And I don't think that's why everybody. But you're saying that the time for you that you feel the best though is when you're not worrying about your body. Oh absolutely.

Which is so like, but it's just getting people to pry themselves away from that. Like you'll be okay actually when you focus on other things, but you're so right. It's about this. When you're always driving to the outside for perfection, it's about control, right? Which doesn't really work. I've honestly learned a lot about that for my boyfriend because he feels like one of the most upsetting things for him is when people are basing their opinion of somebody on very like vein external factors and he's really kind of made me recognize how much I still have to undo like

you know My impressions of like people, you know, like pretty privileged things are like, just putting too much importance. It's not that like, oh, just regard aesthetic in the world altogether, but just putting so much of an emphasis on like humans having any, like, connecting human worth at all to an image is so sad.

And damaging for everybody. But he's helped you realize that through through just seeing how you, that you're doing it or this is a pinion, because I feel like you have to just distinct, and I'm talking about your, your Instagram or your image. Yeah, yeah. I think I definitely don't have this stuff figured out

at all, but also unpacking my own understanding of like how I need to keep and maintain my body. I mean, now I have a short haircut and I love my short hair. I've got to love it. But it was definitely, I knew going from boob length hair to a pixie cut, it was going to be a challenge for me and feeling connected to my femininity, which is again, bullshit because feminists has nothing to do with the length of your hair.

But being like, oh, this is my security blanket and I'm gonna rip off my security blanket. It's very brave. And you know, like I think here. And as I did it last year, I was like, oh, this year, I was like, I came in my shirt, I was like, I have short hair, I don't feel like I was like, ugh, it's true though, it's a thing for women too.

When you don't have it, how do you still feel pretty? And then it, I realize I still, it's such a good exercise. And you just let it go, just take my long, but you're like, okay, I'm still myself. I'm still carrying myself, it really doesn't matter. When it sees me that way, but there's something about hair. Yeah, and it's like, I think it's also just getting a little bit older and having a better like don't fuck with me face, but I've also had this realization that like I'm not being

like cat-called as much, which I'm very happy about, but I'm also like I'm not getting all the unsolicited attention I used to get when I was younger. And I think really wanting to draw attention with my body and there's nothing wrong with that. But it was a double edge sort of like I want to, like I love attention. Let's be real. Every human being wants attention. But like, it's so funny. I know what you're talking about.

No, dude, I'm there. I'm there. I'm like, I used to hate it. I got so much attention all the time from it. I was like, it's too much. Like, wherever I went. And the people were like, oh, well, are you complaining? At least people like you.

You're going to miss it when you're older. That's what the cat colors would say to me too. Well, you're going to miss it one day. Right. And then you stop, well, and then it stops. And then you're like, OK, and I know, but then you're like, OK. Or days when you just don't feel like, I haven't got, can't call it our,

what does it mean about me? It's just messed up and then you like, you know, you didn't love attention. If I told you of course we do have a show called Sex with Emily, but I realized, well I started at 14 years ago, but I was like, I think there was something. Possibly, you should, it's 14 years.

Oh my God. Yeah, I know, it's a lot, thank you. It was so cool. It was funny because I always was having about men and attention and then once I started the show, I got a lot of attention. I think I like, finally's a lot. Thank you. It was funny because I always was having about men and attention. And then once I started the show, I got a lot of attention. I think I like finally was like,

and then the show also gave me more confidence just in my, you know, to be, not only to be an educator, but then to be a businesswoman and all these things. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more, Zoe. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm confident to do things and take on the world. Like, I have been, I don't feel like I feel like I can do anything, but I do struggle with self-esteem and I think some days it's better, some days it's off, but I do work on it. I've had to do that

through positive affirmations. Not in like, I am great, I can do everything, but truly like meditation, having things around my house that help me talking just getting to toxic people or anyone who's not Get out of my life and have me my life who do help me not in a false way, but you know like build me up But my staff has to do it like was that good was that a good show was it for 14 years So there's a party that's like come on Emily really are we really doing this but Objective input to an extent objective input I think something my boyfriend Mark, his name, I'll say, uses his name Mark.

Mark's like, yeah. Mark says to me, yeah. He'll be like, like, like, what are you trying to prove to people? Like, like, it looks seems like you're trying to prove something, or he'll say that about other people. It's like, yeah, they're really trying to prove something to somebody.

Like, when somebody comes in just being like, like, with a presence that feels very much for other people and not for themselves, like, I'm trying to convince the much for other people and not for themselves. Like, I'm trying to convince the external world that I am valid and worthy because I don't feel that way inside. And he had said that to me for so long, and it was only recently that I was just like,

oh my god, like, the key is not trying to like, prove anything to anybody else within myself. Like, if it's, if I feel good about me and what I'm doing, then who cares? Exactly. And you get there. It feels like you're doing such good work. Yeah, but I think that everybody has a struggle with both confidence and self-esteem.

That's true. It's really true, but I think the first of all, just admitting that you were proud that you were challenged around it is knowing that we all do. And then the rest of your time. It is, it is totally realistic. And even the rest of the story. It is totally realistic. And even for men too, how do they get their confidence up?

Is it rewiring from childhood? Is a lot of it because something happened and we didn't feel great, and how do you continually? So much about socialization, and how are you socialized, and what lessons did you pick up at a very, very early age that don't serve you? Right, and realizing and checking, going, okay, that is something that I heard from my family

or my religious affiliation. And now, oh yeah, maybe that's not so true to me anymore. And you get to decide at every age to take a look or every time in your life when you're like, where is this, if we can just learn to do it on our own and you have a great partner, sounds like your boyfriend's crazy, is he here? No, he's not, he's back in Michigan. So how easy? I want to ask you so many. Everyone asks me.

I know you've been friends with him for a while. But truly, do you feel like there was a certain expectation when you guys were having sex finally that like, whoa, Zoey's got the sex toys and the thing and the fatigue? Definitely, I want relative to other relationships, definitely not because it was just built up on like common interests and an emotional bond like for me the biggest moment was talking about the issues I had emotionally and then being like, here's a book I'm reading about it and then he like went out and got the book and read it himself. I didn't ask him to. So it's like that type of stuff that I get hot for.

For me too, a guy who's gonna get into my stuff with me and he's in therapy, and he wants to do the work because it's really hot. But then also making sure it doesn't go into like a code dependence. So it's been another side of it. And that line is a very tricky line. But I think in some ways, we are, there is a healthy codependence,

and then there's unhealthy, and then there's always a line. And as long as you know what it is to keep checking in with it, because I've been down that road too. I feel like I've always been going through stuff, which is maybe who I am, but then having people that are just like living for my stuff. But they're helping me through it, in a way that's healthy, is a whole thing.

But I'm glad that you're with it. It seems like you do seem to have you a calmer, not calmer, but more confidence I want to say or energy that's just different. It's weird to not be as sexually monogamous as I have been for this long. So now you are sexually monogamous, right? It's like, we're monogamous. But for all intents and purposes like I'm learning so much more about myself Yeah, through being

Essentially a monogamous then I have ever learned before because so many things coming up for me Like would you want because I always say that you do your best work? I think in relationships for sure So what kind of things around sex? Maybe have you learned the last year? Yeah, that sex was a hundred percent trauma distraction tool and while I enjoyed a lot of the sex I had, it's so much easier to not think about your uncomfortable feelings about x, y, and Z when you're like knee deep in a sensory experience and like feeling infatuated with a new person and like all those intense feelings that come within you hook up a new endeavor and like it is really dehumanizing for the people that I was having

sex with. I feel like I probably passed up a lot of amazing humans because I was just trying to, again, focus on the external factors. What do they do? What's their dick like? How do they talk to me? Like, who are they friends with? And like, I don't think I was that exaggerated. No, you know what I'm saying?

We could all wrap it. Exactly. It's like, who cares? Who cares how somebody dresses or whatever, you know, I mean, clearly you want to get along with somebody. But you're saying that now the sex with your boyfriend is more intimate or it's more connected. I'm like, did I ever have intimate sex? Or was it all just like, was it all just like an experience? It just took yourself away from it without the emotional because you could need an access to it maybe at that point but through the work you've

been doing and then having this wonderful man come into your life. Trying to have sex like a porn star. Right. And not which is cool but definitely trying to be like, I've got tricks. Right. Exactly. Instead of like let's have our hearts bond. But it sounds like not sexy but it is actually I get it.

The depth to me I crave that but I get it the depth to me. I crave that But I don't think I always did, but what about porn and sex having sex like I fucking find it so fascinating I feel like and This is where the difference I've seen even the last year and I don't and I feel like there are it's no But that porn and I'm always like I'm cool on porn. Like use it moderation. And if it's for the right things and not for like, that you don't want to meet people and leave your house. And now you can no longer get an erection

because of all the porn. But I do feel like it is becoming more and more of a problem, especially for people who grew up with it. I just feel like it's maybe because my friends have kids who are now in that age, like 13, 14, or even 18. They're like, oh, they, they don't want to leave the house, they don't want to meet anybody else. There's just, and they're just, or my friends were having sex with women or men, they're like, oh, they're acting like

it's important, or they're choking without consent. Like all these things, it's like, I don't know what, I feel like there's like a kind of crisis around it right now. We have to unlearn all of this. I don't know what to do about it. You're doing education. I'm doing education, but do you see that it's more so lately if you felt that? Yeah, it's weird too to hear literally NPR addressing it, but not having any sex educators there to shed some light on how we can handle it because they're just like, here's the problem. And hate when they do that.

But I think CNN thing about sex, like here's all the problems with sex in the world, but what's the solution? If we were just able to talk about sex education, if parents felt like they had the tools to be like, here's some age appropriate ways I can check in with my kid if they have encountered porn or how I can ask them if they've seen anything they need to talk about, or just get them the resources that are age-appropriate.

That's what we need to do. Because they're going to see it, so the solution is not removing devices or putting protection out of the block. I don't know that. It doesn't work. Yeah, have a conversation about it. No parent wants to do that because we live in a society

that the parent is so uncomfortable with sex that they're not going to be able to help their child out at all. Exactly. I mean, so we're going to educate the parents here. A few gifted parents, perhaps, can navigate it without any education, but it's like, I don't blame parents for not knowing how to handle it, but also like the resources are out there and nobody's talking about. But what are the best resources you think for parents right now that you think exist? I think just being aware of the reality of it, I don't, in a non-fear-mongering way, it's hard because it's like we are at this point where we understand it's a problem and we don't have like a universal accessible way

to talk in order to be educated about it. I'm hoping that there are some books parenting books written about it. I'm sure I brought this up. But working on it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, working on it. But I just feel like the more, I mean,

in some there, because then I want to move on, I got to talk to you about some toys here that I've done, talked about. I just think of parents admit that this is weird for me. I know I ever talk to me about it. And I don't really know how to talk to you about a son daughter, but I want to keep it open. This is not a one time conversation.

If you see anything that's uncomfortable, let me know or let me show you this scene I just saw in this TV show that's kind of reminding me, like telling them stories about it or showing them examples or there's an article in the paper about something like, oh, this reminds me of, and then using that as a teachable moment because they're everywhere. Yeah, well, like there's an article in the paper about something like, oh, this reminds me of and then using that as a teachable moment because they're everywhere. Yeah, well, it's like there's sexual ads everywhere. I mean, truly, the media is like pumped up

with sex and then we're like, but sex in this other format is a completely different story. And like, obviously, it's different, but I mean, without being an educator who specifically knows how to talk to kids, I would just be like, like look at this crazy billboard. Like, isn't it, you know, like, I'd be like, what do you think about that? Exactly. Like, have them, there's ways you can prompt kids without like being their friend in a weird way. That's the also saying, you know, like, hey, tell me if you get a blowjob. So not being like a dictator. There's something I saw the other day

that they were talking about how it was like a scene in a TV show in the mom's that she was watching with her teenage daughter and said, so did you see how this person's treating this young woman here? And maybe they're high school relationship. I don't know, you know, that doesn't look it's very healthy.

Like how would you feel if a boy treated you like that? Cause there's, and then like, and then just using like you're already watching the show instead of being like don't watch it or pretending that scene isn't happening. So I thought that was just a really good advice to parents to look around you every day for examples of things. I think just being silent about it is not like, I think people are afraid of saying it. And like, sure, you can say the wrong thing. But if you're like doing your research, even if it's just reading a few articles, that is so much more than most people have to go off of, I think just addressing

it and trying to be transparent is the best you can do. Or just being like, hey, I know this is a thing, I'm not really sure how to talk to you about this, but if you ever need to talk about it, that is so much better than nothing. And they might be like, mom, but But, right, like two people had sex and that's why we're here. Like that's not make it this shameful thing. Okay, let's go back to anime for a second which is the adult novelty show that we're going to.

So my experience has been like, I'm on the press side, I'm coming, but you're like are going to buy great products for Spectrum boutique, which is your boutique. So how do you, like, so much there? Like, what do you look for? Or do they prep you ahead of time? Look for this thing, look for that.

I was just at the ex-fizz retreat in Miami. So I feel like it primed to me well for going to Anmi this year, because I'm like, give me some shortcuts. Yeah. I'm really excited about finding more niche things because I'm like, I've got a lot of vibrators. I've got a lot of dildos.

I definitely want to get more strokeers and sleeves that aren't made from toxic, sex-to-my materials. Or like, I'm really excited about like chastity, like caucas. I have so many thoughts about cockcaches. Please go. I don't think we talked about that ever. Let's explain it the whole time. So CBX is a company that carries a really high quality

cockage, so high quality that like people are constantly ripping it off and selling it inexpensively on Amazon. CBX. Yeah, definitely do not buy on Amazon when it comes to cot cages. You'll buy something that can like scar your penis literally. Public serves now. But so they can, great, okay. CBX just got new owners.

The previous owners passed away and they did a lot of research when they were like taking over this cot cage company. They didn't really know much about it. And they were like, apparently most people who are into cocages, I mean, there's certainly some kinksters who are. But there's a lot of like heterosexual cis men who are vanilla. It's like, it's just like a lot of vanilla. They want the cocage that like their partner has the chastity. And so much of it has, I mean, to us, we might still define it as kink,

but I guess I call them vanilla in the sense that these aren't people who are engaging in other aspects of kink. Like this is it, um-hmm, not cage. Like one, it's trying to blindfold me or speak me. I'm just putting my cock in a cage, done. I, so much of what I have to go off as anecdotal from customers too.

Yeah, I know. I don't know. You tell me. There's a lot of people who, again, mostly heterosexual, vanilla couples are like my wife has never had an orgasm, and I'm putting my dick in a cage because in solidarity, that's the thing I hear a lot. I also hear I- Hopefully it's mouse on a cage

and then it could provide or it's some other way. Like, she isn't orgasm yet. But I just feel like you put your cock in a cage because that's not the solution, but it's part of the- This like the play, this like the- Yeah, it's like intimacy in a different way.

I can't blame you. I think for these people, it's also just like, we, it isn't a replacement for sex but it's as exciting perhaps mentally. Another thing is I've cheated on my wife and now to get you know on the same footing again I'm putting my dick in a cage. That's another thing I hear a lot. Okay. Which I'm like hey you know if that is what something you two have negotiated, that is great. But then of course, there's like the kinky side of it as well.

I think it's so hard with anything sex researchy to get like an overall view on what it's about. I think it's good to get let people know that option. I don't think we be, they maybe they're like, oh yeah, like I didn't know it was a cage that could be the fetish that helps me figure out how to make my, you know, my fantasies. It's also just like sensory deprivation

and like the orgasm denial thing can be very hot outside of all those other things as well. Sometimes it's like just not having access to your dick and then how highly sensitive it feels when it comes out of there. I can say that is exactly to hold it at that. Or just like this feels naughty, this feels when it comes out of there. That I can see. Yeah. That is exactly to totally get that. Or just like, this feels naughty, this feels taboo. I have one partner who tried it out with me.

And like, we had a fun time. It wasn't like our bread and butter or anything. But we went out one night and he was wearing his chicken occasion. It was like definitely way more exciting for him than it was for me. I was like, I was into it. But I was also just like was for me. I was like I was into it but I was also just like for him. Ooh, like, Tee-hee, you know.

Like what's within our, not as exciting too. Okay, so what about, you have a video on your Instagram of balls that you could attach to dildos and vibrators. Wait, oh yes. Like I've never seen that. But you can actually feel the balls. It's by the same company that makes the two in one. Oh no, like I've never seen it I've actually feel the balls. It's by the same company that makes the Two in one or no no and New York way collective

Stroker and Packer it's the same company. So the love bump is like silicone balls. It's like a caulk ring I want them. Were they be at the show? I can tell they bring you a little Okay, set up balls Yeah, you can make any dildo have balls. So much more of a mistake. Where you are grist and people like the slapping since they've seen the weight of balls hitting your body. And usually when balls are molded into the same thing

as the dildo, they don't have as much mobility to slap around and truck nuts. Yeah. I know, I get it. It makes so much sense. I was like, oh my God, I got to ask about that. And then also, okay, Dildos, the bespoke Dildos. So just love the term bespoke.

Bespoke, because I think the definition is for a very particular user, which I just think is so funny. Right. Because anything could be bespoke. It's true. I know my friend runs could be beast book. It's true. I know like my friend runs a beast book one. It's called literally beast book wines. And he's so dumb.

Beast book or anything, right? So I think I specifically, you're probably looking at what I've been calling the Vagildos, the Veggie Dulls. Yeah. They're amazing. They're from Germany. OK.

And they're basically, some of them are literal life castings of actual produce, and some are, like, more like, cartoony interpretations of produce, but they're all silicone, like, a heat sensitive, so they change color. I personally, like, the Asparagus Dildo the best. I also, like, the big corn Dildo the best.

Okay. Yeah. Because you've tried, yeah, Dildo's just something we don't often, like, I even try to turn corn dildo. Okay. Yeah, but dildo is just something we don't often like, I even try to turn a dildos. I think we probably try to do a last time. Size queen and one queen. So I'm just kind of like, I'm saying how this goes.

Right. And like I'll use the slimmer shapes as well just to get a feel for how they feel. You set your own a shop. You got to try them all. Honestly, our best selling Dildo is a very particular Dildo called the polka dot joule lett. Okay.

J-O-L-L-E-T. And it is a Dildo that is based off of a internal casting of the vaginal canal. So it's essentially supposed to fill up every nook and cranny. It kind of like where the pubic bone hits, it is a little bit thinner. And then it kind of like bulges out beyond there. I mean, when we really have...

It's a bucket of jolette. Yeah, if you search polka dot jolette, J-O-L-L-E-T. Yeah, sorum boutique. The couple that makes this dildo. I mean, I like, the polka dots in it are part of the appeal for sure, but, you know, the shape itself is fucking awesome. And it's also a lot more intense than it looks. Like, you might look at that and look like, oh, it's just kind of like a curvy dildo,

but it is really intense. It's kind of like a prostate toy, but for the vagina. You've got it exactly. But they literally found a way, like a body safe way of filling up a vaginal canal with like this special, like the guy who makes it basically makes a lot of different,, I don't know, I don't think I can save his full job, but he's like a material specialist. So it's definitely high quality silicone, but people are always like,

how did they get the mold of the vagina? And he has explained it to me so many times, but essentially it's this soft mold that can harden without harming the vaginal canal. And he took a cast and made a dldo out of the shape that he got. And it's fucking awesome. Okay, I loved it. I know this.

I found out about this specific doldo through heapefra, the sexway reviewer, who was one of my very very first sexway blogs I stumbled upon, you know, six or seven years ago when I got into this industry. But I was like, why does anybody carry this thing? I want to see what this is about. That's so fun, because you can really go pick some things that are really unique that people don't find. Yeah, I would just be like, I spoke to them. Okay, what are harnesses?

I feel like when I was saying things had been changing this year, asking about pegging, it's always been a thing, but what I love is that in the last few years there's been more men on their own. Like usually it's like just saying like I'm interested and women on board too and they're like, they're like couples. What do we do? Where do we go for pegging? So let's talk about harnesses.

Like it used to be one or the other. Another coming together. I have to share. I think it was the educator Carly S who comes up on Twitter research Carly S, but Dill Dude, I have to remember her blog name. I'll send it to you later. But I think she had this tweet that was like, it's cute that straight people need a special term for strap-on sex. Like if you need a special term for strap-on sex to make it feel cool, and need-packing, like... Peggy don't feel like though Pegging is.

It's just a big show. It is strap on sex, but it's like this special term for like, like, as men. It's just a strap on sex. I know, but like, I still use the term Pegging, but I think it's better. I think it's funny that there is a special term for straight people who want to have a strap on sex.

It's a fucking thing, right. It is the same fucking thing. Yeah, okay, so strap on sex. Yeah, I mean, like, I don't think the word, there's anything wrong with the term. No, but no one fucking needs a pegging is it. And I'll be on my serious show, people are like, my friends in Michigan,

and even in San Francisco, they're listening and like, what's pegging every time? I'm like, oh, yeah. I have my sex. One article about pegging years ago, and to this day, I'll just have people be like, here, you the pegging lady. I'm like, listen.

I mean, I have pegged, but like... Right, right. I do so many things. Do you wear glasses in my wheelhouse? But what do you like to... Let's talk about... Just straps on sex in general, yeah. Generally, there are...

And I have never strapped on sex anymore. I've never strapped on sex anymore. I've had a handful of peaging and strap on sex experiences. Again, not my brand and better. I love it, though. Like, honestly, I would have a lot more strap on sex than I'm currently having. It's kind of just like, it has to be with the right person.

And I think for me, it's like, I generally want to be the wearer, but it also like brings up a lot of weird trauma feelings for me, but like in a way that I really enjoy the growth of feeling connected to sexuality through a harness and silicone dick essentially. But it's like, I really, really love it, but it puts me into such a vulnerable head space

that I have to be really like. Careful with it, because of the broadest sizing trauma, which can work, but also, is that what you're talking about? I think what also is weird for me is how some people think that strap-on sex is a fetish or a kink. And I think that's also a really straight person's view

of strap-on sex as well. It's just another lacing kind of trait where we all have so many holes. It can feel good, right? You never try it. For me, it's even more intimate in some ways and like less kink oriented than just about any other kind of sex because it's like I'm paying a lot of attention to what's going on in my body and the receiver's body.

Yeah, I need to be the recipient of strap-on sex still. So putting a call out. You've never had the recipient. I've been the strapper on her. He's a bean strapper on her. You were saying that you didn't get a lot of pleasure from the cop cage. What about being, what about the strap on part of it

is giving you pleasure? The dominance or the senior partner in pleasure? I'm such like, I'm totally a bottom even when I'm wearing a dick. Right, I agree, I agree. But I think for me, it's just truly looking at my, or not looking at, it's like feeling my body in a whole new way. It is not for me aesthetically about wearing the harness

and a doldo, it's more about feeling connected to a new extension of myself, just like when I'm using a vibrator, it's not like, it feels like it becomes a part of me. Just like when I'm wearing clothes, it's like this is me, you know, it's something that is attached to my arm now, you know. But I guess, and just a more like to take a step back about harnesses in general, because I'm not really a person arm now. But I guess, and just a more like to take a step back about heart and

stress in general, because I'm not really a person who has like all the strap on sex, you know. Totally. I actually was thinking about what the ones you like, even products wise, or what you think of people. I personally recommend the jock by spare parts, which is just a classic. It's about that. Because it's machine washable. Love it. I think that leather is great aesthetically and vegan leather. It can be just as comfortable, but it's not, you can't disinfect it. There's still important. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, and you can't technically, I guess the correct word is sanitize or just clean, because nothing can be like fully disinfected, or nothing in this world is sterile. But I think that it's better to get a cloth harness if you're just starting out because then you, you know, especially if you don't have a committed partner that you're looking to have strap-on sex with, then you definitely want something you can wash. But leather is great for so many other reasons.

It definitely creates a different silhouette. The harnesses by Aslan are kind of like the Aslan Jaguar is probably one of the most popular leather harnesses, but... I also like the cloth ones because you can set bullets in them. I like the bullets because they get going inward and then if you're the giver, you can also have a little bit of fiber-boiled stuff. It's a little bit more stuff. So there's fun for the whole family. you can also have a little bit of vibrato. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous.

It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous.

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It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little nervous. It's a little body. It's like, no, you really need to use them with a harness. So if you've tried to use the L-shaped double-ended dildos and you're like, this thing sucks, try it out with a harness. It's much better than not for everybody, but I'm really angry that the way these things are marketed makes people think like, oh, my... So much of the market isn't great. That's why they need you, they need me.

They people like us, they don't know how to do it. Um, so let's okay. So tell me real quick. This is very helpful. So your new podcast hot brain What are we gonna find out there? They're learning it's not all sex but a lot of sex Yeah, and just what real life I like what I like about my relationship with Mark again is that he He has now I've given him the name Muggle Mark, meaning like he's like outside of the wizarding world as sexuality. He hates it.

He's like, don't call me Muggle Mark. I've made it stick, but yes, a Harry Potter reference. And like, I'm not a Potter head, but I still appreciate Harry Potter. But I think the word Muggle is so perfect for like, yeah, people outside of the world But he is such an enthusiast about sex. He is like a huge cheerleader for all things sexuality even before he met me

So he's really with the program and you know, if you're not a sex educator You're not gonna know all the right terminology necessarily. So what I love is that like sometimes I'm correcting him But it's not like in a shamey way I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that.

I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not gonna be able to do that. and then lovers and people who cohabitate now. We're really attached at the hip in so many ways and I think it's a really safe way for me to also be more candid in my sex education.

I think that a podcast, as you might be aware, is so much easier than writing sometimes because people can hear your tone of voice and people aren't like, what do you mean by that? It's like you can speak a little bit more freely. And it's not that word choice isn't important, but I do feel like I'm able to speak to some more like abstract concepts in a podcast.

Right, absolutely. Is that something you're asking questions? Yeah, it's playful and yeah. But it's also really important. I think that Mark is such a great example of how you can really be a sensitive person and be masculine, like masculinity and sensitivity aren't two different things. Wait, please, we need more of that.

Yeah. And like, I have a pretty big, you know, according to Google analytics, at least mostly female audience, but I think that it's been really great to get questions coming from guys who are like, you know, questions, and then I love hearing Mark address things from his point of view. And again, like sometimes I just am so in my world of sex education that I'm like, we lose too many things swimming around on my brain. I need you to bring me back to like what it's like outside of talking about

all the time. That's why we just yeah, exactly. We would all the time, but we're doing, we're doing the work, the important work. Yeah. And I think it's just like, so it's about sex. So it's about sex. Yeah, I love it's for you, the whole boyfriend thing,

and the connect, and I love it so much. It's about so much more than sex, though. I think that, I mean, he has a political science background, so he teaches me a lot about kind of like, ways that communities can be more cohesive, because I think that, I don't know, I struggle a lot with feeling like I'm alone wolf who floats around from friend groups

or it's like I've got a lot of friend groups but I'm like, I don't want it. Like I got to pop around everywhere. I'm afraid of people getting to know the truly, sometimes broken feeling person inside of me. And I don't think I am broken, but I have so much vulnerable shit inside of me that I'm, I think that I have unconsciously kind of bounced around

from people to people, not like burning bridges, but it's hard for me to just like fully be like, okay, you really wanna know the landscape of my brain, it is difficult. Oh, you know, to know the landscape of my brain. It is difficult. Oh, you know, another thing that connects me with Mark a lot is that we both had OCD as younger as children. And we both have anxiety today, but a lot of that was just like, recently I've been learning how my OCD is still very present in adulthood, just in different ways.

Okay. And for me, a lot of that is feeling like I must confess things that aren't really like things I need to disclose to people, not in like an inappropriate way, but like just making sure it's okay that I did the, like lots of like needing validation but also just like, just wanna make sure that you know I did this and that it doesn't like mess up anything that you were trying to do or like is it okay that I was thinking this thing? It's really fast.

That's an OCD part. That's an OCD. I mean, OCD has a lot of different ways. Right. Rays of manifesting like hoarding is technically in the DSM along with OCD. She's looking at me, my assistant. I had a hoarding garage where I was at a lot of, I did.

I have a lot of organizers. My garage was packed. You couldn't walk in. It was a bunch of different organiser. Like in my time to organize your organizers. Right. And that's all it was. And it was crazy. Well, it is really hard. I mean, I definitely know how intense the emotional attachment to physical objects can be for me. And like, my basement is kind of organized, but there's like the box of things that have such strong emotions.

So I'm like, I don't care if they need to be thrown away or donate or whatever. I'm just like, I can't address that yet. And I think that OCD, anxiety, depression are all things that can sometimes manifest as a result of trauma as like coping mechanisms. So he said that too. So you guys can sort of help because he gets it.

Yeah, it's not like I need to explain the words. Right, oh I'm sorry, here's why I did it. Yeah. Yeah, I know I totally got it. I mean, I think I've just been really distant from that like part of my reality. It's so scary that it disclosed to people because are they gonna judge me or are they gonna lie?

Well, and also OCD is the kind of thing that they're like, oh my god, I'm so OCD and I'm like, it's I'm not personally offended when people say that, but I'm just like no, it's really a thing. A unique situation Mentally and that you're fully aware of how ridiculous your thoughts and rituals are, but you're still just so stuck in it and I think trauma in general can feel that way too. Like you know that there is a block and you can't overcome it yet, you just don't know why. I mean, so much of mental health feels that way. So what's helped you the most would you say

with all these things therapy for sure? Exercise, but not like, like exercise that can feel meditative. So like going on hikes. It's really helpful. Nature's here, yeah. Meditation although. like exercise that can feel meditative. So like going on hikes. It's really helpful. Nature, yeah. Meditation, although I love that meditation is the kind of thing

that I was like, I don't know. It seems like a really lofty goal, you know? It seems so impossible. Meditation. Mm-hmm. And then I realized like, oh, just like trying and having your thoughts clear for like two seconds can be a meditation For a minute. That's what gave me permission to it

It was like when they were like and I've done a lot over the years But they were like, oh, it could just be a minute I'm like I got that and then eventually do a minute and you want to do more another important thing that I literally Was reminded of in my last therapy such and last week is that medication is not supposed to make it all go away. It just makes it more manageable. And I'm like on a medication that I'm not having any allergic reaction to my last one I did, no side effects.

But I was like, why am I still having these like emotional breakdowns in my therapist was like, you had a really triggering week, like, the medication isn't gonna make your triggers just vana. You're still going to be triggered by things. It just allows you to have some stability to kind of move on to other things, because before the met, you're in the same loop.

Yeah. So it kind of like allows you to see another perspective, but still there, but then there's more accessible to you to actually start to make some other changes. Exactly. Yeah, I get it. I do a good work. Yeah.

So we thanks for being here. Thank you so much. I love seeing you. And then I'm going to get to see you all week at the show. I'm so lucky. I have to ask you some, would you rather? Last time you were here, we did some, yes. Okay, ready?

Love those guys. All right. All right. Would you rather have kinky sex or romantic sex? Oh, that is such a... Oh, you got me there. Girl. Um, I think overall romantic sex at present, kinky sex.

I know. Like in this exact moment, kinky sex overall. In this moment, kinky sex overall. In this moment, kinky sex overall. In this moment, kinky sex overall. In this moment, kinky sex overall. Overall romantic. Okay, would you rather see with your best friend's parent or your parents best friend?

My face is shocked right now. My parents best friend or my best friend's parent. I guess best friend's parent just to like get as far away for my family as possible. Okay. Right, like I'm like sorry to any friend that I, yeah. Like I'm like, that would be so. Okay, let's see here.

Listen to me though, I'm like getting all judgy, but like I'm like, I be so Okay, let's see here listen to me though. I'm like getting all judgey But like I'm like I know so many people who have done that and like it's such a thing and like What's your best friend's pair or the best friend? Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, like the time I've heard these things who am I to judge right who can say? Judging no, we don't know this and this is just fun game. I'm singing it so seriously. I know no It's good though. Would you rather make a lot of noises during sex or really loud noise during orgasm? A lot of really loud noises during sex.

OK. Stay consistent. Exactly. Would you rather fart uncontrollably when you come or cry inconsolably? Oh, I mean, I've done both. Uh, I think I cry so much too. Damn. I guess farting because it's like so much of a release that it's like if you have any gas bubbles

in your rectum, they will come out. Awesome. So that is awesome. Congratulations on your podcast, hot brain. Yay. Everyone can try and find you at Thongria. Yeah, that has a link to just about everything. SpectrumBoutique.com is the shop. And if you ever have questions about sex products, we have a team of people who will answer all your sex questions in the shop spectrum boutique DMs. All right, and this will be all in the show notes as well.

Thank you Zoe from Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Be Be. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye. All right, guys, hope you enjoyed the show. Remember if you like the show, share it with a friend. Please subscribe wherever you listen to the podcast, write a review. We released three a week and you never want to miss a show, do you? And I love hearing from you. So thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. And thanks to all of you. Hey, was it good for you? Email me feedback

at sexwithemle.com.