Sex With Emily - Stress Less, Have More Sex with Emily Fletcher

Episode Date: September 28, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by leading meditation expert & founder of Ziva Meditation, Emily Fletcher to talk about her book “Stress Less, Accomplish More.” Plus, Emily answers your questions sent through [e-mail]! They talk about using meditation as a means to replace stress with sex, how it doesn’t take an expert at meditation to feel the effects, and why angry make-up sex is so hot. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.comFor more information on Emily Fletcher, Click Here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So, here's the trick to getting people to meditate who think they can't. You just have to sell it as a performance tool. You just have to say, hey, here's this thing that's going to help you make more money and be better in bed. And then people are like, oh, where do I sign up? Every time you've ever been stressed, every time you've ever launched into a fight or flight stress reaction, it's left a little open window on your brain computer. They're called premature cognitive commitments.

By the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about 10 million of those PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. By the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about 10 million of those PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. So it's like running a computer, trying to type an email, but having 10 million open, irrelevant windows. So you can't even type the email. So what meditation does is it goes in, it gives your body rest, it's very healing. We actually give the body rest, it's about five times deeper than sleep. The way that we know that is that your metabolic rate decreases, your heart rate slows, your body temperature cools. You're going in a de-exciting, nervous system. When you de-excite something, you create order. When you start to create order in your body and your cells, that lifetime of accumulated stress can start to come up and out. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse, and on today's show I'm joined by leading export in meditation

and founder of Ziva Meditation, Emily Fletcher to talk about her book Stress Less, Accomplish More. And I'm taking your emails. Topics include Stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive, but meditation can be the biggest killer of that stress. And you don't have to be perfect at meditating for it to truly help you out in the bedroom. Trust me, make up and angry sex. Why is it just so incredibly hot? And how to get your partner on board the masturbation train? All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You're gonna love our website. If you haven't been there yet, if you got a question just search it on the site, you'll find the answer. You can also find me weekly Monday through Friday

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So get in touch with us. Follow us. See what really goes down here at Sex with Emily. All right, guys. I hope you enjoy the show. I want to introduce my guest, Emily Fletcher. And Emily Fletcher, she has a book that came out. We did it come out recently.

I haven't seen it in February. Stress less accomplished more. Meditation for extraordinary performance. debuted at number seven on all books of Amazon. Emily, she founded Ziva Meditation. She's a leading expert in meditation for extraordinary performance. Her work has been featured all over the place. From the New York Times, the Today Show, and Vogue,

I'm just really excited, Emily, because, okay. I'm a meditator, I've been meditating, trying to do it for a long, I mean, I do it now, daily. And I think that, and I often talk about it on the show, I believe that, at this point, in 2019, everybody's heard, they should meditate. There's probably someone in their life, their friend, who was like, oh my God, you should try

this meditation or their doctor, was like, you know, you're tired of stress or chronic pain, you can't sleep, try meditation, and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, when am I gonna do that? How am I gonna do that? And so I think it's really hard to get people to even do it.

Like, my brain could never be spread down and I feel like I need deep and Emily Fletcher right now, research in Ziva. And I feel like you have like the secret sauce like you have been successful actually getting people who think they're too busy They don't have enough time. They'll never be able to do it to actually Meditate you've a good track record. So tell me about Ziva meditation So here's the trick to getting people to meditate who think they can't. You just have to sell it as a performance tool. You just have to say, hey, here's this thing that's going to help you make more money and

be better in bed. And then people are like, oh, where do I sign up? So we have to just like go of like the robes and the incense and the fingers and the preciousness. And yes, there's so much science around it, which I'm sure we'll dive into. But it's like, why are people really doing anything? It's usually to make more money or have better sex. It's so hard. You're absolutely right. Yeah.

Because you've worked with top performers and athletes and CEOs and top business leaders. And so you're saying that you reframe it as like, this is going to help you look a hack. Like, you know, you're going to be a better performer. It's like, you go to a business conference or you'd read, you know, books or you'd buy a, buy, get a business coach. This actually is going to do that because Because here's the thing. Stress is making us stupid, sick, and slow. It is slowing us down in the board room. It is slowing us down in the bedroom.

And so it's like if there's a tool that could help you get rid of stress, why would you not use it? Stress is not like cancer. Okay, we have a solution for this epidemic. According to Harvard Medical School's stress responsible for 90% of all doctors' visits. I believe that.

Doctors are calling it the black plague of our century, and it's making us feel more isolated. It's ruining our confidence, and it can actually chemically affect us. I mean, if women have too much cortisol, they become incapable of orgasm. If men have too much adrenaline, it affects their erection. And so it's like, this isn't just like,

oh, if you meditate, you'll see each other's chakras. It's like, no, if you're too stressed, you can't orgasm. Right. So I think say that. You can't orgasm and you'll make less money. No, your work will suffer because it is true. Like, I always say that stress and anxiety is the biggest killer of our sex drive.

And that's the truth. But also, I feel like there isn't epidemic of anxiety or people sharing that they've anxiety, but it seemed like the whole goddamn world is anxious, including myself and I meditate, you know, and I think it definitely has helped. Imagine me without it. But I do think that this really is, I mean, meditation, I think exercise, sleep, but meditation can also help with that, help with sleep.

And it can help with so many of the things that Alice, so give me an example about your meditation. Like, let me say this, one of your mantras is meditate, masturbate, and manifest. That's one of my... Oh, sorry. That's not what I was saying. I can't read it. Mine, sorry, backup.

Mine is meditate, masturbate, and manifest. And yours is meditate, mindfulness, and manifestation. Yeah, we both got three M. That's all I'm saying. I was like, and I have that, and you have that, which I think is amazing. So how does yours work? Tell me. Okay, so Ziva is all about meditation

for better performance, and we use these three tools, the three M's just like you. So mindfulness to help you with your stress in the now, which is like, oh, I just have this crazy day at work. Let me do 10 minutes of my free app. I feel better in the now, like taking an aspirin if you have a headache. Now meditation, and specifically what I teach at Ziva,

is all about getting rid of your stress from the past. So all that stuff that we've been storing in our cellular memory, all that trauma we've been holding on since our childhood, that's the thing that's ultimately slowing us down. And that's really where the big, cognitive and physical performance increase comes. It's from getting rid of that stuff

that's been stored in the cellular, and now we even know inner epigenetic memory. And then the manifesting piece, which is the third M, is basically consciously creating a life you love. It's taking the time to get intentional about what you want your life to look like. Hey, what would my dream partner look like? Hey, how much money would I love to make this year? Hey, what would my dream relationship with my body feel like? And a lot of people think they're manifesting. They've been think they're praying, but they're secretly complaining. And they're like, oh, I can't, I lose this weight. Why does she have a boyfriend and I don't? Why did he get a raise and I didn't? And if you

ask shitty questions, you're going to get shitty answers. Yeah. And whatever you're putting out there, if it's the negative or I don't want this, I don't want that. That's what you're, that's actually what you're going to get. And I think a lot of people know, like, from the secret and all that stuff, they're like, oh, I took to think happy thoughts. But this is more than that. What I love about this is that it is really a full spectrum. So let's first talk about getting, I want to go back to getting rid of the stress that is stored in our body.

Like no matter that the stress in the past, like on a cellular level, everything that has happened to us is still in our body. Yes. So how does doing your type of meditation actually, and any meditation, how about that? So every time you've ever been stressed, every time you've ever launched into a fight

or flight stress reaction, it's left a little open window in your brain computer they're called premature cognitive commitments. And by the time the average adult is about 20 years old, we have about 10 million of those PCCs are premature cognitive commitments. So it's like running a computer, trying to type an email, but having 10 million open irrelevant windows, so you can't even type the email.

So what meditation does is it goes in and it gives your body rest. It's very healing. We actually give the body rest. It's about five times deeper than sleep. The way that we know that is that your metabolic rate decreases, your heart rate slows, your body temperature cools. You're going in a de-exciting, nervous system. When you de-excite something, you create order.

When you start to create order in your body and your cells, that lifetime of accumulated stress can start to come up and out. I don't think that nature intended us to be sick, tired, and stressed all the time. I think that stress is trying to leave, but if we're so excited, if we're so stressed all the time, the body isn't have a chance to heal

or run those maintenance functions, just like sleeping. There's a lot of things that get messed up if you don't sleep, but you just have a good night's rest and you feel better. Same thing with meditation. to heal or run those maintenance functions, just like sleeping. You know, there's a lot of things that get messed up if you don't sleep, but you just have a good night's rest and you feel better. Same thing with meditation. You just give your body this deep healing rest

when you meditate and it starts to cure a whole host of ailments. So what you're saying is though, is that I was gonna say, well, it doesn't happen right away, but your story is amazing that you actually, after the first time you came from, you were stressed out, you were in a place where you reach all of your dreams

and your 20s being on Broadway, like at 22, which is amazing. People waited a lifetime. And you the first time you tried it, you were like, this is it. Yes, because I actually took a class. The tricky thing about meditation is that because it's simple, people think they should already know

how to do it. So they sit down, they're like, okay, brain, stop thinking because there's like this one dude telling everyone that in order to meditate, we have to clear our minds. So they're like, all right, brain, shut it down. And then they're like, hmm, sure I'm feeling a little randy. Oh, no, I'm thinking about sex when I'm meditating. Oh, no, I suck at meditation. I quit. And that's the beginning and the end of most people's meditation careers. But the really good news for anybody who's tried meditation and felt like a failure is that the mind thinks involuntarily

just like the heart beats involuntarily. So trying to even bring a command to shut up is as impactful as trying to give your heart a command to stop beating. So where this gets tricky for folks is that because it's simple, they assume they should already know how to do it and they don't take the time to actually get trained. So I took a course.

I was my insomnia was so bad I was going gray and my 20s I was getting sick and injured even though I was living my dream. So I was like, let me try this thing. And on the first day of the first course, I cure my insomnia. What course did you take? So it was a Fordicorps in New York City with a guy named Michael Miller, who's based in London. And it was this meditation course. So different from mindfulness. Because a lot of people think that mindfulness and meditation are the same thing. And a lot of the apps and YouTube videos are actually teaching what I would call mindfulness.

So anytime you're directing your focus or someone's guiding you through, I put that in the category of mindfulness where this was more of a meditation class. So teaching you how to do it on your own, teaching you this technique that gets your body this deep healing rest, and so on the other side,

you feel like you've taken this super-charged power nap. So my first foray into this was like 20 some years ago, I was in Thailand and I did my first whip awesome at retreats So I just thought I knew myself and I thought it's a 10-day silent meditation Treatment retreat where you meditate for like 10 hours a day and you don't speak or read or write or talk to anybody You're look at anybody because I know myself well enough that people have been telling me for years I should meditate and I finally like well I just got to throw myself in and I did learn

But my my challenge around that was, I just got to throw myself in and I did learn. But my challenge around that was like, I just learned to meditate, but I feel like which was great, but it also was very strict. I felt like it was for me to actually continue. I felt all this pressure. It has to be, well, you have an hour and morning and hour and I'm like, I do not have two hours a day. And so that I kept constantly feeling which you talk about this a lot. We don't meditate to become great meditators.

We meditate become better at life, which you've said, to quote you. And so I feel like that's where people get tripped up. They're not doing it right. And so I feel like through this process of, you do teach some practice, but then you also teach about mindfulness. That's the other part of it.

Like can we talk about the different? So meditation is a technique that you also teach. Yes. And then I also did a post-in-a-retreet. So this is like, you know, 10 days, it's very, very monastic. It's very much like a monk program. And the thing is that most of,

even the mindfulness techniques today are based on or derivative of monastic practices. So you being in a place where 10 days not talking anyone, you know, not even making eye contact or reading or writing, very monk-like, whereas what I teach, the meditation that I teach, even though it's 6,000 years old, it was created for people with busy minds and busy lives.

It's actually designed to be integrated into your day. So it's a much easier to do, be it takes less time and see you have more energy and you become better at life. So I do think that the style matters. So is this your order though, that it's mindfulness, meditation, and manifestation. Yes, so we use the mindfulness as like the appetizer where and that's where you

do, we simply use a technique called come to your senses. So it's real simple. You're just hearing what you're hearing, feeling what you're feeling, tasting, seeing, smelling, and this is actually something great that people can do even before they're going to have a romantic encounter just to get themselves in their body, heightening their senses. And then it's a way to direct your focus, bring yourself into the now, and you're almost like warming yourself up for this deep healing, restful surrender that is meditation. So Ziva's kind of like, it's more like taking a nap, sitting up, than it is any fancy fingers or a rect spine or concentrating or focusing.

And that's really where the magic happens, that healing magic from healing the stress from your past. Then, at the end, once the right and left hemisphere is the brain of functioning in unison, that's where we start to manifest. That's where we start the seeds for our dreams for the future. Right, so now this is all in one practice. I know that you teach courses online that people can go to Ziva meditation, and this is also you guys in the show notes. If you're listening, go to sexwithemily.com. And if you click on show notes, everything we talk about

on every single show you can find right there. So I'm sure everyone wants to sign up right now, check it out. So it starts with like, is it every day the same like you start with the mindfulness portion? So that would be the senses. So often, I think that's great because what I often tell people,

what we talk about in the show is, because okay, listen, people, one of the top questions I get asked is, I am so distracted in the bedroom. I can't focus on sex. I'm worried about the bills, I'm worried about how my body looks, I'm worried that I can't orgasm. And you know, and I often say, well, you know, the best thing to do is like focus on your

senses and think about what are you smelling? What do you taste? You smell the candle. You're feeling your partner's body because when we do what you're saying is, when we focus on the senses, all five, you know where they're choy, you can't be in the past with a feature, you're present in the moment with your partner. But I'm wondering how you could elaborate on that with your practice. And it sounds like that's kind of something that you would do in your practice, but I'm

sure there's more to just, because it's also like, if people are just doing in the bedroom for the first time, it's not, that's not going to work. I'm always like, I always tell you, can you just start meditating? So tell me more about this. So a couple of things. One, I actually made a whole guided visualization for better sex, which I'll share with you if you want to put it in a show. How do I know this?

Yes. We just got together. It was quick to get you on. I'm excited. It was like you were here. I'm going to give you a see if we can put it in the show notes. And then it's just a gift. People can just enjoy it.

And I would say do it before you're going to have an encounter. So you understand it. But the same tool that you before you're gonna have an encounter so you understand it. But the same tool that you would use to prepare yourself for meditation, you can also use to prepare yourself for sex because they're not actually that dissimilar. When you're meditating, you're moving beyond yourself. You're unining with something bigger than you

and something similar is happening when you're unining with someone else. You're creating this third thing. You're not so individual. So you're saying together, they do this practice before sex. Well, you could. You absolutely could. And we even kind of had, there's even something in the book.

So there's a chapter in the book called From Oamed to OMG. And there's an exercise that I give at the end of the book where it's a little bit cheesy and you feel a little uncomfortable to begin with, but you're just like looking at each other's eyes and almost manifesting each other's dreams for each other. And I find it very intimate, very raw, very vulnerable. But if you can create that kind of intimacy

on the intellectual and spiritual plane, it's much easier to get there physically. Yeah, I love this. I mean, this is something that couples me because I feel like if you could just get yourself in the mindset of sex, you'd be so much better off. But when you're just going from your day

and the kids and the laundry and the dog and then you're like boom sex That's why we're all having a Challenging time around sex. Yes, because our stress hangs out in the past and the future our bliss our orgasms hang out in the right In the present moment and the five senses are really just a trick to get yourself into your body into the right brain And therefore into the right now. Okay. I'm talking to Emily Fletcher from Ziva meditation If you guys have any questions at all, and her book is stress less, accomplish more,

meditation for extraordinary performance. I love, I love how you've packaged meditation because I think it seems like it's a way that a lot of people could get their head around, and I've been kind of waiting for this book. I am, because I always am telling people, like, where do you go? We could download the apps,

but I don't think that's effective. For me, it wasn't. And I think for many people, so it seems like it's actually doable. It's like if you ever bought an exercise book or a cookbook or anything to change your performance at work, this could actually do it, I believe. So let's talk about the manifest part

because that's something that I think is so, it's so, I know that it works, but it can be so challenging to figure out what we want and then to picture it like we might know I want to make a lot of money or I want to get this job, but what does it look like, feel like smell like taste like that part is even for me knowing what to do it can be challenging because I know that's how things happen. So I've been so surprised at how much resistance I've seen around the manifesting. And I started asking questions. Why?

Why is it so hard to imagine your dream? And what I've realized is that people have been so stressed for so long. They're so used to being in fight or flight. They're so used to being in survival mode that they haven't had any energy left over for their dreams. And so what meditation does is that it gets us out of fight or flight and into what I call stay and play. So all that energy you've been wasting on anxiety and worry and depression and exhaustion, you start to have more energy left over to

create. And then you can start to ask yourself, well, what would my dream relationship look like? What does my dream sex life look like? Because energy is either creating or it's destroying. And so if you get rid of that destructive anxiety, you know what's that quote? Worry is a waste of perfectly good imagination. Yeah. So when you stop worrying so much, you have imaginative power left over and you can start to fuel your dreams with it. And so really the only trick to manifesting is you have to imagine the dream is if it's happening now. Imagine you waking up next to your partner. Imagine where you're having the crazy erotic adventure.

Like, imagine as if it is now, whereas what a lot of us are doing is that we worship the space between where we are and where we think we should be, which is the definition of stress. That is the definition of why are there yet? We're opening up Instagram, we're comparing ourselves. We're not that this, and the second we get

to where we wanna be, we raise the bar. Yes. It's that all be happy when syndrome. All be happy when syndrome. Yep. Let's talk about that to be, we raise the bar. Yes. It's that it's all be happy when we have to be when syndrome. Yeah, let's talk about that. I think we can all relate to that. Yeah, so I was in it so deep because I was an actress on Broadway. And I thought, well, once I get on Broadway, I'll certainly be happy.

It'll be Martini's with Eliza at Sardis. Yeah. And instead it was me rocking myself in fetal position, listening to Eckhart Toli on the beat, having panic attacks underneath my track. I was Eckhart Toli and repeat that. Yeah. And then you were like, yeah. And so I just thought, well, it must be the next Broadway

show, the next Broadway show, the next boyfriend, the next agent, the next zero mubanky account. And I did that for 10 years until I started having anxiety attacks and panic attacks and I found meditation. So the only antidote I have ever found to the all-be-happy-when syndrome is meditation. Because within 30 to 45 seconds of starting, you start floating your brain and body with dopamine and serotonin, which are bliss chemicals. So it feels nice in the moment, but what's happening sort of spiritually is that you're accessing

your fulfillment in the only place that they reside, which is inside of you. And the way that can impact your relationships is that you start to see your relationships as an outlet for fulfillment. What can I bring to this? What can I give instead of how can you fill me up? How can you complete me, which is impossible? We put these impossible paradigms on our partner, then they inevitably fail us and then we're mad at them for not completing us. And then we think, well, it must be the

next partner. Right. I should just leave this relationship and go to the next one because the next person won't be able to do it. And then those same chemicals come in with a new relationship. And we think they're the one. They're the answer. And then six months, two years, the honeymoon phase dies and the chemicals go down and then you're like I'm searching for the next high, the next high. Yeah, absolutely. So in this, so have you found in this practice though that like how, how long does it take

would you say on average? Like I know for you, it was like quick the first time you meditated and I'm like, I'm daily doing it and it's, you know, I definitely feel like it's changed. What are you doing? Are you doing the pasta time when you're doing it? I just do breath. So I haven't done your meditation. I'm fascinated by it because I would love it.

It's yours and it's 15 minutes the morning and 15 minutes at night. That's for the online training. So we created this online course. It's about 15 minutes a day for 15 days and it moves you through the mindfulness, the meditation, the manifesting. And then once you graduate, you have the keys

to the car and the driving instructions. You don't need me, you don't need an app, you don't need a doob playing drums on your chest in order to meditate. You just close your eyes and dive in. And then yes, it's 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the afternoon, which sounds like a lot if you're stressed and overwhelmed. I do 20 now, I'm down, because if I could get those 10 minutes back, like if I could just do it 15, 15, I'm fine. And if you could rid of the stress in your body, you start becoming so much more productive. But if you do the math on it, 15 minutes twice a day is 2% of your day.

So the question is, are you willing to invest 2% of your day to make the other 98% more amazing? Right, exactly. And we all, you guys, come on. 15 minutes that you were just spending scrolling Instagram. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's what we're doing. So we talked a little bit about stress and sex.

So we say stress makes you stupid, and that's actually because of our, the chemicals in our brain, if we're fight or flight. Exactly. So when the body launches into fight or flight, it's basically preparing for a predatory attack. So it shuts down digestion. Your skin gets acidic, which ages prematurely.

You can, that increased cortisol can lead to belly fat, which can make us feel not so great in our bodies. Our immune system goes to the backburners, so we're sick more often. Your bladder embells evacuate, which is not so great in our bodies. Our immune system goes to the backburners where we're sick more often. Your bladder embells evacuate, which is not so sexy. Right, exactly. So it's all stress. Yeah, and the thing is, the body is not interested

in procreation when it's concerned about its own survival. Well, I think that's also where a lot of people are having problems with, you know, fertility. Fertility, for sure, because everything is stress and anxiety, and I think more so now because I hate to sound like a broker has our phones and all the distractions mean they've always been here And I had you know, I think a lot of people could test to the fact they had anxiety before phones But I love this idea of of people of the three parts of it that it's not just the meditation and that is being mindful of your day-to-day life

But I'm wondering like in your online course and you also teach courses, you're based in New York, correct? I am. Like I just, I mean, because in listening to you and talking to you, I'm like, this is a quick fix. I'm such a like, I've taken every class, every course, and I think, oh, this is something I want to do. You know, I want to continue to, this seems like it's going to be my answer. But I have to believe that if you've never meditated before, that there's going to be people who are reaching out like they've had stuff come up for them or they actually couldn't do it or do feel like you have an online support. Yes, we have so much online support. So I've taught

over 20,000 people at this point. And so I've walked, I've seen a lot of patterns and a lot of, you know, stuff come up for people. And one of the things that I'm really big on, there's a whole chapter on it in the book where I've basically warned people that, Hey, when you start a real meditation practice, there is going to be old sadness, old trauma, old anxiety that is going to come up and out. And that is my job to help people through that. And I have a whole team of teachers, I have a whole team of trained meditators that are

helping me to support these people. Even people who read the book have access to an online group. So if stuff comes up for them, they can get help. We have a whole list of meditation-friendly therapists because I'm not a therapist, I'm not a doctor. I've just helped a lot of people through this thing and I've helped myself through it. But the thing is, if you have trauma in your body,

it has to go somewhere. Right, and I think we all, I think when we say trauma, oh no, I've never been abused, but trauma can be, there's a big T and a little T and trauma can just be things that you don't even remember getting in someone yelled at you in second grade or bullet you a dog When you were 10 exactly it's divorce the job you got fired from all that stuff is left It's there. It is still there in his shape who you are today and so through my I've been doing EMDR therapy to the last seven months

Which has been another way to kind of you know, you know, but alleviate some of that But I I love the idea of this of just being able to do this through the, um, through the two practice, 50 minutes a day and the manifesting and letting go. And it's not a quick fix. The training is not that long because it's, it's a simple practice, but what we don't want to do is confuse simplicity for weakness. The power in this practice comes from the simplicity. So to get the key to the car and the driving instructions is not complicated, but it's

not a quick fix. You have to do it. You have to actually meditate every day, twice a day, for the rest of your life, really. So it's not a quick fix. And is this how, how is this affected your, okay, I know your life is probably, you've been doing this for 10 years now, you've been 11. 11 years. And you are very zen and you seem very, I love your voice, I love your talk.

I'm like, oh yes, I will follow you and meditate. I'm so in. But how has it affected your relationship at your sex life, for example? Let's talk about that. How has it changed your sex life? So I used to be in what I call borderline abusive relationships. And I didn't have an eating disorder,

but I did not have an eating disorder. I was like, you know, I used to be in models and actress. And so my relationship with food, my relationship with people, it was just not great. Like it wasn't terrible. It wasn't full blown abusive, but it was fighting and just so much angst. And now I'm happily married.

I have a one year old son. And I am, and to be honest, we're redefining our marriage. We're redefining our relationship now as parents, which you probably have some episodes on, which I'm all ears, I'm all about learning. But I think that I feel more confident in my body. I feel more confident in who I am.

I think that I see sex more now as almost a spiritual practice and this way to union with the divine and this way to union with my partner. And I think that it is just part of my whole life. So have you found other people, any of your students that they've talked about that too, that they're just, I'm sure you have incredible stories about like success stories, people who, because I'm thinking like, it is epigenetics too. I mean, it's from our history.

I was like, I'm Jewish, I'm stressed. Like, I can't help it, but that's, but we can, but you can see it. I can hear it. I'm like, yeah. Everything you've inherited from the last seven generations, you have an opportunity to change what you passed down

to the next seven generations. But there are some crazy stories. Actually, I wrote an article once called How Meditation Can Help You Have Mind-Bulling Sex. And I wrote it because this guy came to my studio and was like, Emily, you mentioned better sex at your intro talk, but what's happening to me is crazy. This is like animalistic.

This is raw. And the only thing that's changed in my life is meditation. And this is the story kept happening again and again. Women who've never orgasmed before had their first orgasm the week after they took the course. Women who were never able to orgasm exclusively vaginally were suddenly able to. Nothing changed except for the meditation.

Like a lot of case studies about this. No, I believe that because they're suddenly able to. Nothing changed except for the meditation. Like, there's like a lot of case studies about this. No, I believe that because they're also breathing, I'm sure you breath work involved in your meditation. There is some, yeah, but it's really more about that eradication of the backlong stresses from their past. It's like they suddenly can become present whereas before they were so caught up in their own trauma. I mean, it's something like three and four women

have some sort of sexual abuse. Yes, exactly. And so it's if you, this could heal that as well. Yeah, because that's trauma, right? So you start to heal that. You start to become more, you're not bringing your whole life long baggage into the bedroom.

It's a, you're just here now. But here's my question through the meditation though, because I haven't done your meditation yet. But like, are you specifically working? Are you journaling? Are we, it just through breath and through, through mantra that you have? Like, it just through breath and through mantra that you had. It's just ghost because you're more like a heart.

You feel if you haven't slept or like two or three nights you have terrible sleep, how just everything is hard, you're frazzled, you're scattered, your immune system feels like it's on the edge, you can't come up with good ideas, you can't even form complete sentences. You're just worse when you're tired. Well now imagine having a nine hour night sleep and imagine how many different things would get better. Same thing in meditation. It's basically the equivalent of taking a supercharged power nap.

You're giving your body rest five times deeper than sleep, but without the sleep hangover, so you just become better on the other side. Yeah, I believe that. And you're doing it every day twice a day. Yeah. You miss it. Sometimes. Well, can you miss it now that you're like 10 years in?

Look, I would love to. Well, can you miss it now that you're like 10 years in look? I would love to and I have tried and I can miss one meditation and be okay But if I miss two meditations in a day my insomnia will come back Yeah, no, I because it cured your insomnia I mean I feel like to me and I know this whatever kind of meditation do it is going to make your life better now worse Nobody's ever said oh god. I'm meditating that meditation You don't regret that meditation and you don't regret having sex either People are like oh, we never have sex, but once we do, it's amazing.

Yes. Okay, well Emily, thank you so much for being here. I have to first ask you the five questions that we ask our guests. Okay, ready? It's your biggest turn on. Oh, intelligence. Biggest turn off.

Narcissism. What makes good sex? Vulnerability. Something you would tell your younger self about sex or relationships. You got to say what you want and want what you say. I heard the Broadway. Number one sex tip. Meditate? Is that a cop out? No, dude. I agree. I tell people, listen, I'm glad you're here as my deputy because I've been telling people to meditate, to breathe, to be focused.

And so I think everybody has to check out your book. Just to prove your point is like, do you like having sex with someone who's stressed and distracted? No, of course not. No one does. You feel disconnected. You feel like you're not like you're not having orgasms. You're disconnected and you're dreading sex because you're no one's taking any time for

themselves. You're running from one thing to the next. And so I love your old philosophy. Everyone can check it out. To get your book, stress less, accomplish more. Meditation for extraordinary performance. Stress less the book.com. And then Ziva, ZIVA meditation.

That's it. Com. Emily Fletcher, it's all in our show notes. Sex with Emily.com. Emily Fletcher, thank you so much for being here. You're a delight. Thanks for the work you're doing in the world. You're saying right back at you, it's amazing.

Thank you so much. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your email questions. All right, guys, I love answering your questions. It's actually why I'm exist on the planet. So if you want a question to answer it on the show, go to my website, sexwithamily.com, click the ask,

Emily tab, build the short form, or email us, feedback at sexwithamily.com, but please, please, please, just include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks guys, all right Michelle, you wanna read? Yes, all right, we'll start with the first email that's all about makeup, sex, or angry sex.

I comes from Alureneraine who's 69 in California. She writes, Dear Dr. Emily, I have never heard you talk about this subject having angry sex. Sometimes I think my partner and I do have sex when one of us is angry or upset. In that situation, one will just appease the other. We don't physically hurt each other.

Somehow, it seems it's the only way to clear the air. All right, Lorraine, thanks for your question. This is actually a really good one. Here's the thing about angry sex. I think it could be really healthy, but you get in a fight with your partner and it's like you make up because you were angry and the sex feels that much better. So the thing is, you know that it's not a problem. If you truly communicated about what the problem was and you feel like you, you guys made up and then you go to have sex. Now, it can be toxic as well.

If you're in a relationship where you're not able to communicate ever, only when you, like you actually fight just to have the sex because that's the only time that you feel that you can be intimate, like you're looking for a fight, you know, because you're craving intimacy and closeness that you know this sex is going to bring then there's possibly a pattern developing that is a detriment to the relationship. And if the fighting escalates in the relationship it could become a toxic cycle. Also if you're using it make up sex as a way or

you know angry sex as a way to avoid talking about issues, then it's a problem. But otherwise, if you guys are just angry, and listen, you guys, pleasure, pain, anger, and joy, they're all very closely related. So I understand why having angry sex can be healthy sometimes. So just make sure that you moderate it, and you're not doing it to avoid feeling your emotions. True. Yeah, I feel like sometimes I'll come home one that now,

but when I used to serve, I'd come home really angry at a customer or something and the guy I was dating at the time would be like, let's just have some fucking sex. Like I just want to fuck like that kind of thing. I'm so angry and then I'm like, oh, I'm relieved. But never taking it out on him. Right. Because that is a different underlying message.

Exactly. That's a different. Using sex for your own benefit to get rid of it. Taking it out on him. Don't take it out on him. No. No, no, no. That's a great question, Rhaeny.

We haven't talked about that much lately. All right, next question. Next question. This comes from an Evan who's 28 in Michigan. He writes, hey, Dr. Emily, my wife and I started dating in high school and have been married for almost five years now and have one beautiful child together. I've always been the more adventurous half of our relationship sexually and recently that has also translated into sexual appetite as well.

I can't help but feel like her lack of sexual creativity and desire is somehow tied back to the fact that because she's never masturbated, she doesn't quite know exactly what turns her on, what fantasies are most exciting, what kinks she's into, etc. I honestly don't know exactly what her hang up with masturbation is. How would you suggest I broached this subject with her and try to get her to really prioritize a healthy masturbation regimen she has been messing out on, thank you in advance. Alright Evan, so this is really common, I have to say there's a lot of women that just didn't grow up masturbating and never occurred to them to masturbate. I was one of those people. I just

never, no one ever, I didn't see it advertised anywhere. No one talked about it and therefore I didn't masturbate. And it wasn't until I started masturbating that I actually was able to have orgasms and learn what felt good to be. So she absolutely does need to get on board with it, but you have to tread lightly here. Now I don't know how she was brought up, but sometimes we're brought up in environments where masturbation is looked down upon. Maybe her friends didn't talk about it just like mine, and it might not even cross her mind. So you can't get her to do anything, but you can't open up the dialogue.

And a lot of couples love listening to this show together. They listen to the podcast and it kind of helps them have these conversations or maybe you could find one of these and have her listen to it because she needs to understand that masturbation is healthy and also how to go about doing it. Because not only do we have to get some women to be like, oh, yeah, I got it. It's not as bad as I thought it was or it's not against my religion,

but they don't know where to start. So we actually have a ton of like beginner masturbation blogs on our site. We've got I got it. It's not as bad as I thought it was or it's not against my religion, but they don't know where to start. So we actually have a ton of beginner masturbation blogs on our site, we've got podcasts about it. So I think where you start is just telling her that you've been doing your research, where you can even tell her about the show and just say, I think that I would love you to experience pleasure.

I'd love you to understand your body and to orgasm. I'm happy to like, you know, maybe we could listen to this episode together or buy you a toy. And then you bring it up and say, what do you think about that? And then you might have the conversation again. You have to understand this goes for everybody. When you're trying to get your partner to do something or change their sexual behaviors or ask them for you want, many times they're not going to sign up the first time you say, and say, you're right. I'm going to get right to masturbation. I'll see you after dinner. No, that doesn't happen. So it's going to be just like, let her know maybe you just start dropping hints about the benefits of it. Or yeah, I was listening

to this show and I heard that like women actually can have crazy orgasms once they figure out their body. So maybe just kind of ease her into it. I think it's for women, it's all about the approach. And especially for someone who hasn't masturbated and doesn't know, it's really intimidating. And it's, and it's all about the approach and especially for someone who hasn't masturbated and doesn't know, it's really intimidating and it's actually the times are changing, you know, where women are, we're getting more into our bodies and we're feeling for ourselves. So I was actually masturbating last night and I was looking, like I was feeling my body as the woman that I am, and actually feeling my breasts, and then going down to my vagina without a new lube first to feel the spots,

and I was like, oh my gosh, it really does feel like a flower. It's a flower. And then it made me respect it and ease into it, and then it got to. Then you got to. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your nipples, play with, you know, like, and again, play your favorite music.

Use some great lube or some body lotion and just touch without the goal of orgasm. That's the other thing you gotta tell her. It's like, you might not happen right away, but she can certainly learn what feels good. It's like, oh, that tingly sensation felt great, but it's not gonna happen the first time you try it. So just not all about the orgasm.

This is about exploring. So thanks Evan. You sound like a very caring boyfriend. Yes. All right. So the next email we got, I come to my Hannah who's 19 in Australia. Hi Dr. Emily, this is a very broad question, but I am 19 and have not had a boyfriend or kissed someone or even been on a date. I'm scared to go on dates with people online and would rather meet someone in real life, But I don't have any tips and I lack the experience in dating. Also, I know that I don't want to have sex until I'm married, but I don't know how to go about telling people and how to find the right person, especially when most guys want to hook up and I want a long

term relationship. Thank you. All right, Hannah. Well, I think is a good time to start asking these questions because you're 19 years old. This is a whole new world to you. So it sounds like you have a lot of trepidation around it, which makes sense, and it's kind of like you're scaring yourself thinking like, you know, I don't want to go on dates, but then what, once I do go on the date, how am I going to tell them

that I don't want to long-term, that I don't want to just hook up? So I think you've created this ball of anxiety in you, so it just makes it really, you know, hard for you to get started. But just know that's cool, because if you've never done something, why should you know how to do it?

How would you become an expert at it? So, and also dating online isn't for everybody, so I get that, but also, it can help you near your choices because you can put on the apps that you are looking for long-term relationship people who are not need not apply. If you've decided that you want to wait until marriage have sex, I don't think it's something that you're going to bring up on the first date.

No, I'm not even saying you're keeping it as a secret, but people aren't usually talking about these things on the date. If you think things start heading down more of a serious path and maybe you start to feel like things are kind of heating up, then you should bring it up then. Understand that not everyone's gonna be cool with that. A lot of people are having sex. I say the majority of people are having sex before they get married, but just know that those aren't your people.

There are people out there that will be okay with it. Really just a matter of practicing dating, maybe just going to lunches with some people that you find interesting and just starting to tell your friends that you're single, that here's a thing. When you are single, treat it like you're looking for a job. You let your friends know you're single, you're neighbors, you know. At people work, you got anyone good to fix me up with, and then you make sure that you're going out and you're doing different things outside of your room or routine.

Because it's so easy to just hang out with the same people, take the same room from work every day, you know, you go to your classes, you do the same things, but that's you're just going to keep seeing the same people, take the same root home from work every day. You know, you go to your classes, you do the same things, but that's, you're just going to keep seeing the same people. So my best advice for meeting people that are more like minded is do things that you love to do Hannah. Like go to, you know, take a class or volunteer or at the gym or the hiking or meet up groups. There's a lot of different ways just get creative with it, but definitely find things that you like and then people will be there because they like doing those things as well.

Yeah, if your focus is on finding the long-term relationship and that you've never kissed anybody and that you're saving yourself a marriage, you're just creating this whirlwind of a world. Roadblocks. Yeah, exactly. And you're not going to find anything because you're looking for that. But if you allow yourself to open up to all these opportunities and the things that you actually like, that's where your right person is going to be at. Exactly. Take the pressure off your self-hand out.

Expend this time just learning how to be an adult and be social and go out and again, build a life in a community. And that's when you're going to be able to find people when you're ready in that way. And it's okay if you're not right now. Hannah, thanks for the question and thank you everybody for your amounts. Thank you, Michelle. And thank you everyone for listening to the show.

I hope you enjoyed it. I love to hear from you and know what topics you like, what you'd like to hear, and also always ask your questions. And thank you for supporting the show. Thanks to our amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.