Sex With Emily - Summer Sex, Mindfulness and The Cosmic Orgasm with Elle Chase & Dr. Jennifer Freed

Episode Date: August 14, 2020

Answering your questions about how to have more pleasure is my jam and this episode is no exception. Alongside my friend and sex educator Elle Chase, I cover sex without penetration, summer sex tips and mindfulness. Elle and I get right down to business taking a call from Mike in Arizona who wants to have a threesome (shock!) with his girlfriend, but wants to make sure he sets it up for success. Later, we answer your questions about sex positions for curvier people and what to expect after a hysterectomy.First off, though, is Dr. Jennifer Freed’s monthly astro-sex forecast! Jen is a renowned psychological astrologer who has been helping people realize and reach their potential for over thirty years. To go even deeper this month, Jen takes questions from the Sex With Emily team about the relationship between our moon and sun signs and what we can expect during the next full moon.For more information about Elle Chase, visit: ellechase.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about mindfulness, spicing up your summer sex and we've got this month's Astro Sex Forecast. All this and more, thanks for listening. This month you're supposed to be saying this is how I want it. This is when I want it. This is who I want it with. Make it happen. My girlfriend of almost two years and I were thinking of possibly bringing other people into the bedroom. Who are noodles are your friend when you go

to have sex outside? I will never look at a pool noodle the same way. Yeah. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions bit-roof eyes, they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. That's what we do on every show. I want you guys to be thinking about how am I bringing pleasure into my life? What does pleasure even mean? I mean, I don't know, until I started thinking about how many moments in my life are actually pleasurable

and how many are stressful or things I have to do or should do. But when you really start prioritizing pleasure, your own pleasure, and I'm not just talking sex although it helps, you're gonna realize that you're gonna want to liberate the conversations, you're gonna wanna tell your partner or your friends, I'm taking time for myself, and here's why.

That's my mission here, you guys. Making pleasure of priority and having conversations around sex intimacy, so we're all in this together. All right, I've got two guests tonight, two people I adore. We have sex educator L. Chase and psychological astrologer and sex educator Jen Friede to give some advice on relationships and sex. So I talk to Elle about a lot of things.

We focus on mindfulness, and I gotta say, we cannot talk enough about mindfulness, especially in these times that we're in. Let me break down mindfulness for you. It doesn't mean you have to get out of your mind and stop having thoughts. It is a practice and it's really more of a heart practice. It's like mind body practice because the reason why we're talking about mindfulness more is because we're also freaking anxious right now. We get anxious during sex, we get anxious after sex, we get anxious at work. So here's something that you could do that's just really helpful. If you want to like dip your toe in the mindfulness water, you're like, how do I even do it? If you think

about it, the reason why we need to be mindful is to anchor in the present moment. Well, why? Well, typically, we're not mindful and we're not present because we're either obsessing about something that happened in the past. Oh, we're so worried that something's going to happen in the future and it's going to be awful. Besides the fact that 99% of what we worry about never happens, we tend to do this over and over and over again because that is a pattern that we have learned. It's a survival pattern, you know, from our ancestors when we used to like hear leaves rustling in the bushes, you know, we'd be afraid it was like a lion, so we'd have to run.

But now we just think something that might be disturbing and it can send our whole day into a tailspin. We are wired for protection and to get into anxious mode, fight or flight mode, but we're not there anymore. So we want to focus on the present moment and how we do that, the best anchor is just to breathe. When was the last time you took a deep purposeful breath. Like, you know what's helpful for me? I breathe in for four counts. And then I try to have my exhale be longer, like six counts, okay? So just do with me.

So first we wanna breathe in. One, two, three, four, 1, 2, 3, 4, X-HAL 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. If your X-HAL is longer than your inhale, even by a few seconds, it has the physiological impact of calming your parasympathetic nervous system. And otherwise, we're in the fight or flight. So if you do that five times, you're going to feel much better. I already feel better.

I just want to sit here and breathe. So that helps. Another exercise to do, just to get you in the moment, because maybe you're anxious during sex or anxious on a call, you know, you're anxious wherever. So remember, I talked about the past and I talked about the future where a lot of us are living. When I told you all that, it's not even true what we were about, we want to be present.

So the best way to bam, get yourself exactly in the present moment is to look around and to focus on your present environment. You can try the three rule where you look at you can say I'm going to name three things that I see right now. Okay. I see a water bottle. I see some flowers and I see another water bottle. I have so many water bottles. And then you could think about three things that you're hearing. Okay, right now I'm hearing the buzz of the headset. I just heard someone outside say something, and I heard someone else on the other side window.

Okay, so I heard three different things, and then you could say three things that you're smelling, right? I just anchored myself in my senses, got it? So right now, I'm so present. I see my water, I smell my, and so you could even do that with five senses. You could say, what am I hearing and smelling

and tasting and feeling and touching? All of these things help you be present. And then you realize that whatever you're worried about in the past or the future is gone. And then you can operate and move forward. And that's what mindfulness is about. I'm just gonna tell you this, it's a practice. So meaning, I might have to do that 10 times just going to tell you this. It's a practice. So meaning,

I might have to do that 10 times a minute to really be present at first. But if you think about it, our minds are practiced to live in the past in the future, and that doesn't serve us. I just told you that 99% of what you worry about doesn't happen. So why not just take a moment and just commit that I'm going to try to be mindful for five minutes a day by breathing or by noticing things in the environment or just listening to my breath because that's how we build new neural pathways in our brain that serve us and not the ones that are getting us all anxious about having too many water bottles on the table. about having too many water bottles on the table. Those are just some exercises, and listen,

it helps me to check in at different times throughout my day to really help ground me. And I even have notes on my computer right now in front of me. It says, breathe. I have another one that says, meditate. And you don't have to do the whole exercise, but they're reminders. And you can ask yourself, how do I feel right now?

Am I excited? Am I my nervous starting to name your feelings and also what happens during sex, too? We may have trouble in the bedroom. It's okay to check in with ourselves and say, what am I feeling? Oh, I'm feeling my partner's hands on my body. I'm smelling their hair. I'm tasting their lips and then you go right back to the moment because so many of us are not only of anxiety in our life, but we're having anxiety in the bedroom. So L. Chase and I also take calls from listeners about spicy up their sex life, how to get adventurous with summer sex. I mean, come on, aren't we all camping this year? First, though, I'm joined by sex with the Emily regular, Dr. Jen Fried for her monthly Astro Sex forecast.

As usual, she covers every sign, and then my staff jumps in to ask Jen for a specific Astro Sex Advice, so don't miss all of this and more after this quick break. Hi, Jennifer. Should we go through our forecast? Yeah, let me go through through. Let's get that. You guys pay attention right now.

And let me tell you this. If you have questions, maybe you want to know about your chart, what the signs have in store for you. Jen is an expert. She not only comes on our show every month, she's a psychological astrologer to goop. And to many people, she's been doing this for over 30 years. And we love Jen. Okay, Jen, what's going on? We're going to roll through this because Mars, the planet of sexualities in the sign of Aries, which is all about this tempestuous, passionate energy. So,

we're going to start with Aries and say normally Aries is the hot button. Let's do it. Let's go. But the theme for this month for all the signs is courage. So for Aries, you need to have the courage to back it up and really get curious about what other people desire and what they want and pause, reset and train yourself to their desires. Taurus, now for you, you like habits and routines and you can get a little bit stuck in the mud sometimes, this is the month to do things you've never done before with yourself or others. Just absolutely try something new as often as possible and get out of the rut.

Gemini, this month, your job is to be versatile. Normally I'd tell you don't be so distracted. I say in fantasy or in reality go with multiple partner scenarios. Think about what is the sexiest question you could ask each person you have a fantasy about and actually ask them. Cancer, for you it's all about being the boss. Normally you're the one that's healthy and nurturing, but this month have people do what you say. Have people serve your needs. Be the mama boss you've always wanted to be male or female or they. Leo, this month for you is about letting go of the need to be the star and be the character supporting role. Make the other people in your life the ones you're most attracted to be the stars of their show and you're there to be supporting their every glamorous wish. Virgo, this month for you is about slowing down to

dream the world a new inside your sex life. Normally you're into the details, try to merge into the unknown and just be in one flow state of just blissful sexual tension. And then we have Libra, normally the diplomat, this month, you're supposed to be saying to people, this is how I want it, this is when I want it, this is who I want it with, make it happen. Scorpio, your job this month is to be very committed to all parts of your sexual palette.

Shame has no place for you, Scorpio, this month. If you like it kinky, if you like it conservative, if you like it all different ways, say yes to all your sexual alter egos, and give them some way to express themselves. Sagittarius, with courage being what you're really about, take a journey, go somewhere you've never been before and allow yourself to have sexual fantasies or questions about things you've never considered. Break out of your world view.

Capricorn, wow, you've been under so much stress and pressure. I'd say it's masturbation miracle every day for you. Like you really want to let off the steam and you want to make sure that you're getting your sexual appetite completely met by being embodied every day. Don't just make work your life. Make sex your primary concern and work from there. Aquarius, it's a full moon and Aquarius right now. So I would say to the Aquarians, courage for you means treasuring yourself knowing you have irresistible charisma, not letting anyone downplay your beauty or your sexual appeal, step it up the queries, and finally, Pisces.

Normally, the one that's just whatever you say, let me be very sensitive to you, let me make sure you're feeling okay. Be a little hotty and naughty. Instead of needy be greedy. Pisces, this is your turn. It's your turn to be the most desired in the way you want it. And there's your

sex forecast for this month. I think that's such a great inspiration to everybody just to be like, what, well, can you do differently this month, whether if you're alone or with a partner, like one thing, sometimes it's just one thing we forget that it doesn't have to be a whole production to get your needs met or to bring that spark back. And also, for me, always the challenge because I have what's called a Taurus Moon as you do, Emily, and it means we get

into emotional ruts and routines sometimes. It could just be change your body position, change your hand, change your hairstyle. I mean, it doesn't have to be galactic, but it's up to us to like make ourselves more interesting to ourselves. Dr. Jennifer Fried still here hanging out with me for a second. She's talking astro-sex forecast and we just went around all the signs to tell you what to expect, but my team because we were so excited she comes on every month, have some questions of their own.

So producer Christina Rosa has a question. So, my question is, hi. So, my question is, my husband and I have been looking at buying houses, but we don't know if right now is a good time considering he's a Gemini, I'm a Libra. And, you know, I obviously very much look into astrology as a guide for me. So, is it a good time for us or should we think about it? Because he's also thinking about another job.

So I don't know if that's something we should even think of. What's your exact birthday, Christina? October 16th. I was born at 9.25 pm. OK. Here's the bottom line. The whole world for the next five months is in a complete overhaul.

And if you two feel very secure in your jobs and in your trajectory, then there's no reason for you not to buy a big house. But you, I'm big, just any house. But on the other hand, know that there's going to be so much upheaval. Do you want to be buying and moving when everything is up in the air in the world? Because it's a time of incredible duress. So I guess what I'm saying is if I were both of you, I'd wait till January or February and see how things shake out before I would get involved with a big change.

Okay, cool. Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay. Thanks, Christina. Okay. OV. OV's got a question. Hi, Jen. Hi, OV. Well, I was first going to ask you two kind of questions. One of mine is, I have an Aquarius sun and moon. And I was kind of wondering like how having a sun and moon in the same side like what that means. Well the sun is your basic outer identity and the moon is your inner self. So if your sun and the moon are in the same sign it basically means your inner and outer are the same, which is both fantastic because you know who you are and you feel who you are. But sometimes it gives you a narrow view of other people because you're so enclosed in yourself. So with a sun and moon and a queerious, which is, in my opinion, a great combination, it

means you're very much in touch with the world and with ideas, but you would have some work to do to really get more personal and much more subjective because you think more in broad terms. So you wanna learn how to get into people's small lives and understand them as well as the big picture. Okay. Thank you for that. Okay, awesome, thanks OV.

Okay, we've got one more. Megan has a question our cause greener about. Hi, Jay. Hi, Megan. Hi, Megan. Hi, Megan. Hi, Megan. You've got a great smile, by the way. Oh, thank you. Thank you. So I'm a cancer and I've had like a pretty big year, like a lot of big changes and I wanna know what can I expect with the full moon coming up. Okay, tonight's the full moon. That means the sun is in the opposite sign of the moon. So we have the sun and Leo, the moon and Aquarius.

Whenever there's a full moon, this is a fact. There's more crime and more emergency mental illness things because everyone is in a heightened state of emotional intensity. So what I like to do on a full moon is ground in what visions and what life I want to create for myself. So instead of acting out or having big conversations, take that moon, that full moon energy, and put it within, and really concentrate on manifesting the desire and the life that you truly want.

And maybe even write it out like candles, bring out the crystals. The worst thing to do on a full moon is to get too higher wasted because it's so intense, or to have some big conflict conversation. A full moon, if you think of it metaphorically, is like the mother coming way into existence and then pull her into your heart and say, this is what I most wish for my life. That's amazing. I'm going to sound like Megan. Yeah.

Absolutely. I am so writing shit down tonight. Thank you, Jen. Yeah, it's a great time to reflect, because especially we forget this. Go out at midnight tonight. That moonlight is just like drinking heaven. It's so beautiful.

And put it into your heart and make wishes on that full moon. Yeah. I love this, okay? Thank you, Jen. Yeah, I'm going to do all that tonight. I just love the full moon ritual. And I always think people think, Oh, we would suddenly talk about sex and astrology. You know, it there are so many. It's not even just like some woo-y thing. Like, I actually have learned so much from you, Jen, but there's really let's be safe for the ritual of a new moon. You know that it comes every month. You know that it's going to happen. And for me,

to really recognize it, it's been very busy last few months and I haven't as much but when I do make an intention on these on the moon, it's just something to to kind of set the month by the intention to really get grounded even if you just do it for 10 minutes, it really makes a difference and I'm gonna stay up till midnight tonight. You just had me realize that the full moon is like the divine orgasm. It is actually the big oh of the cosmos. It totally is. How did we not realize this? Well, I always trip out with you Emily because you like get my mind going. I'm like this is all about the orgasm, the full moon is like when we're exploding with feeling what is better than that sense of being full, completely full and satisfied.

It is a cosmic orgasm. Wow. And it's a moment. It's a moment. Okay, Dr. Jen Fried, thank you so much for being here. I'm so thrilled to be your guest. I love it, Jen, so people can find you at JenniferFree.com and at Dr. JenniferFree on Instagram.

Thanks, Jen. Free, I love getting these monthly updates. Now I know what I gotta do. Okay, we'll be right back with L Chase. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ So you guys may remember that July is sexual liberation month. It's part of sexual liberation.

It's like you get to choose what you're into sexually, how do you open that up? Like, we're all free to make choices for ourselves. Lead the sex lives we want to have, have the relationships we want to have. And we might make all these choices in our life, but we're still not liberated if we are constantly being controlled by that negative self-talk in our head. And we all have it, I have it too.

And that goes something like this. And this is why I'm so excited to welcome my guest because we get to the bedroom or fooling around with someone in the moment and we're like, all we can think of is, oh, I hate the way I look or hope they don't notice this thing about me or can the kids hear me? Whatever it is we're in our heads all the time. And think about it. What if you were free from that voice? What if you could learn to embrace your own pleasure? Right? And to engage in activities that truly give you pleasure. So my longtime friend and fellow sex educator,

L Chase is here. She is the author of the claimed book, Curvy Girl Sex. Welcome to the show, L Chase. Hi, thank you. I'm glad to be here. Good to see you. We have a call, so I'm gonna take it.

We got Trevor, 43 in Arizona. Hi Trevor. Hey, how you doing? Great. How are you? How can I help? I'm really good. Well, my girlfriend of almost two years and I, my girlfriend of two years, we're thinking of possibly bringing other people into the bedroom and my girlfriend is early 20s, I'm early 40s and we fantasize about it, we talk about it and we are considering maybe making plans for it but I don't know if it's a good idea, even though we like the idea of it. I'm wondering what your take is. Okay, well thank you Trevor, this is such a good question because you did say some of idea, even though we like the idea of it. I'm wondering what your take is. Okay.

Well, thank you. I'm going to try to read this such a good question because you did say some of the things I recommend is for couples to make sure, because you know, we don't know until it happens. And I try to set couples up for success in this way. And one of the things I say is, fantasize about it. Like do some dirty talk when you guys are just the two of you and talk about picturing that third person there. So it sounds like you've done that. And it's never a good idea to like try to talk our self, our partners into it. Like we should have a threesome, right? So tell me where you're both

at with it. Like is it the kind of thing that she brought it up? You brought it up? How did it come to be? You know, it's been over a year that we've actually talked about it. And so I'm trying to remember how it was brought up, but it was very casual. And it wasn't a surprise to either one of us. And, you know, it kind of goes both ways, meaning I kind of am curious about, you know, male to male contact. And she's curious about female to female contact too. So it's like, we're both kind of like up for, let's see what happens kind of a thing, you know, so yeah.

Um, okay. We're neither one of us have a lot of thugaboo's. We're just kind of, you know, trying to feel it out. And I just wanted to know if there's any, you know, pitfalls or things that we really need to be weird. You're asking all the right questions. I mean, the first thing is to decide, like, what kind of partner you said, you might be interested in being with a male, she might want a female, and then also setting as many boundaries

ahead of time as you can in rules, for example. Like, talk through, you know, is there anything that's off limits, for example, or anything that is a requirement? Like, we gotta have, we gotta use protection, you know, where there's certain sex acts. What do you do when it's over? Do you want the person to sleep over?

How do you find the person? I mean, I think it's great to have someone that you're both attracted to. Also having a safe word, you know, you never know how you're gonna feel until you get into the situation, but then you could think like, what's your safe word?

Like, is there a word you could say or something because if one of you get uncomfortable and you want it to stop? And I think talking through these things with your girlfriend and saying like, what do you picture? How do you guys like, it's elaborating on the fantasy.

How do you actually picture it going down? Like, what's, what's, what are the things that are happening? Yeah, have you guys covered any of those bases? Yeah, we started to plan it out, so to speak. And I guess my biggest concern is, is it a recipe for disaster for my relationship with my girlfriend because that's above all else?

That's the most challenging thing. Well, tell me when you picture there. Tell me, okay, so what would be the right, because everyone's recipe for disaster is very different. So Trevor what what to you would mean disaster? I guess I guess honestly if she were to lose interest in you know in me sexually by myself and just want that that scenario type of scenario only and kind of get away from her and I being able to be intimate together and and have that level into the sea.

Yeah. You know, I want to do it like in addition to not a replacement. Right. You know, well, that's always a risk, right? Like I think that I think you just nailed it. The biggest fear that we have is like, oh my God, I bring in a third and my partner falls in love with the third. You know, I think it's unlikely,

so totally, you're on the right page. Have you talked to about your fear around it? Are you concerned? A little bit, a little bit. You know, I haven't done these terms quite yet. So, you know, I, we're enjoying the fantasy and we're enjoying the talk, and then we do the dirty talk. And, you know, it is getting to the point

where we're starting to kind of consider plans. And so I was like, you know, I'm able to do like once a week. And I'm like, you know, I need to ask Emily, what should I do? Is it something where she just says, absolutely not. This is a recipe for disaster entirely. Or are there same ways to go about it and still be a little bit of a relationship? So I think just having that conversation with her and expressing my concerns is definitely the next step. That's my first step.

And no, I'm never gonna tell someone, oh, no, Terabai, another are some people that are like, oh, that's a Terabai idea. Now, if you cover these grounds, and again, maybe another recommendation would be like, you know, keep it a shorter session. You know, don't make it all, you know, if you can, or say like, we're not gonna see the same person twice.

And then kind of having an aftercare session where you discuss it and you really kind of break it down into how you both felt, because if you both feel like you got something out of it, then you can even make the next one better. I have another sex educator with me, L. Chase, any other recommendations that you'd recommend? I think the communication is a great idea. And I also think maybe sitting down and coming up with what the rules would be, what you would feel uncomfortable with, what you would feel comfortable with.

Some people, I know, will say we can just have sex, we can't go out and have drinks with them or there's no kissing or there's no penetration or something like that. You come up with a real sort of a clear line of what's okay and what's absolutely not okay and and then how you're going to communicate at this time if something comes up that you haven't talked about. That's a great that's definitely something I haven't thought about and you know doing that safe word like you were saying to so that's huge.

Cover all of that, but I think you guys are pretty close. We're rooting for you. This man, thank you for the help. Of course, thanks for coming. I appreciate it. Okay, so I first, I think we can get into an email. This will just, this came in, we want to answer it and I thought, I'm, I'm just gonna have Elle

and talk about this, because we always talk about your book, Curve of Girls, Sacks. And I thought, let's help Michael 24 from Washington. And you guys know that you can always email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com. So Michael says, my fiance and I are a little on the bigger side, we pretty much do the same position all the time, because I just feel too small

to do the other positions like Doggy style, etc. Any advice? It's a very common question about doggy style, about receiver on top, all of those kinds of things. What I usually tell people is utilize pillows first foremost. And I'm not just talking your bed pillows and kind of sleep on. Use some something that has like industrial foam in it, like your living room couch pillows, something that can take weight or get a liberator pillow

that is meant for sex or pillow by day, might believe has a great sort of wedge pillow. And that will prop you up a little bit. So when you have someone who has a bigger stomach, say, for example, they can put this wedge under their hips, and it lifts them up a little bit. The stomach moves backwards towards the head to make the access a little bit easier.

And then you wanna make sure that the general area is nice and open so that anything can go on there that you want it to go on with a toy or a penis or whatever. Hand, that's sort of really the key. So pillows strategically placed and that is great also for doggy to lay down on that wedge with the thicker wedge side towards one stomach. And then the giver has the whole backside to play with, to open it up to make it more available as it were. So that's a really good way to play with different positions, whether it be a modified missionary position or receiver on top or bent over anything like that is a wedge pillow or pillows are your best friend when it comes to plus size sex or for anyone actually.

It's so true. I always, I mentioned pillows, but I love to bring them up because it's like everyone, just take a pill. I love that. I love the idea of a pillow from your couch because they are that better, the better elevation, a little bit thicker. Yeah. So what about you? What I love about your book, there are some, I just love that there's just some other

positions for people who just might even just want to be mixing it up. It's not just like, career, it's like for all bodies. It's for all bodies, yeah. So for example, when he says that he feels like, you know, that he might be too small for doggy stuff, for example, like you've got this, like what about something like I love this, like threading the needle?

I'm gonna show this to the threading the needle. Yeah, that's a great one. That is the receiver on their back with their legs together and moved to one side on top of the giver's shoulders. And that leaves the giver some hands to work with. So by having their hands free and available, they can spread open the thighs,

spread open the cheeks, the vulva lips, all of this. And also it puts the the receiver's positioning makes it easier to get into and makes it also a lot tighter. So that it's really a lot snugger.

Right. And then also you have it like with the side sat. Like you could even move your, it also a lot tighter. So that it's really a lot snuggier. Right. And then also you have it like with the side set. Like you could even move your, you're both of your legs on the other side of their, of their, of their head even and then be squeezing like the thighs together. So it is a little bit tighter. I love these.

There's a position in the book called the OEM, O-H-M. And it's really meant for people who are using their hand or feel that they're on the smaller side of the penis range. And what it is, is it's that receiver laying down on their back with their legs together swung all the way over so that it's laying on the bed. So you're kind of twisting your side a little bit.

And it really closes up that canal or that anus, So you're kind of twisting your side a little bit. And it really closes up that canal or that anus, whatever you're going. Whatever canal, whatever you're going into. Whatever, whatever whole works. Pick and uh, yes, whatever. And um, I have heard, I've heard a great response from people that it's not just a wonderful feeling for the receiver because it's such a different angle, but it's also a great way to get into a deeper position for those penis owners that really like to go deeper. Because this is really what we're talking about is that when we feel like we just can't feel it enough,

we can't get in enough, it's just altering the positions that we just might have thought about. Like I almost picture like curvy girl sex like cards that you could be like a dick of cards. Like let's pull out this mission to keep it by your bed even. Because even sometimes I probably like, what was that, what can I do? You know, we're so, we're such creatures of habit. We go into like missionary, right? We don't think for the variation to which is why I love, you know, in your book that you have all these other ways. I even look at sometimes and I go, yeah, I forgot about that. Like even making them all just a little bit different.

Yeah, and I always think to when in doubt, use your hands more. Yes. You think about it. Your fingers have way more dexterity than we give them sort of credit for and they can do so many more things. And if you incorporate your hands to give pleasure along with everything else that you normally do, it just makes it sometimes a little bit more tactile and sensual and different. Yeah, our hands, man, they're just, it's funny because the other night we were talking about, you'll appreciate this, we were talking about a woman emailed

and said that she was, her jaw was hurting from oral, you know, and it's just like, you do have the deep throat thing that you think is just extended of you. Exactly. Like, like, I have to choke on his pizza. You could give a blowjob with hands, you could give oral with any kind of oral I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, not meant to be opened that wide. You know what I mean? So of course it's going to feel

uncomfortable. So you know, for that long, these were she got, you know, we got another call here. We got, we got Bill 60 from Colorado. His wife is having a his direct to me. What should he expect? Hi Bill. Thanks for calling.

Hi. Thanks for being there. Sure. Here for you. The situation is I'm 16. My wife is 51. We just found out she's got some muter and fibroids, many and some of large size. So a history of the me has been recommended. And I'm just curious, hormone-wise, sexual-wise, what can I expect? Well, I would also get a second opinion. I feel like sometimes history of the me's are kind of like a go-to thing

and it's not always necessary. You might be able to avoid it. Like, there are alternatives. There's one, like, fibroids can be treated within non-surgical procedure. I was just reading about this called uterine artery embolization that cuts off the fibroids blood supply. And then another option is a myomectomy, which removes fibroids but spares the uterus.

And I've just been hearing about not a medical doctor, Bill, but would I even feel, I've been hearing and reading, maybe, El, you can back me up on this, is it we need our Western doctors, our doctors work hard, their essential workers, but sometimes they rush to his trajectories and I just don't think it's the most suitable solution for everybody.

Yeah, I agree, actually. I do a lot of work with menopausal women. And I find that hysterectomy is the go-to for most kind of colleges. And it actually does, it does a lot of good to do your own research and to get a second, even a third opinion. Yes.

Because a historic to me is a major surgery and it has repercussions hormonally that will possibly affect her for the rest of her life. And it will definitely have some sort of repercussion for sex as well. That can all be mitigated. But if you don't have to have one, if there's something else that's not as drastic, that's something I look into, I think. Okay, it was just us that it would try to be, I think I'm pronouncing it right, because I was on the speaker phone.

Laptop first. Yes. Just remove the fibroids. Did I get that right? Yeah, laparoscopic surgery. It's a newer surgery. You do need general anesthesia, but it only causes like tiny incisions. It can cause blood loss. And it does. I believe

it has shorter hospital visits. Okay, because my wife has experienced the fear of cramping and very heavy bleeding. Yeah, I mean, I feel like these are the size of a kiwi and a line from what the doctors are from the MRI. Yeah, I mean, that's probably true, but I would still like that's the doctor's like, oh, it's big. We got to remove it. And I'm just feeling, you know, Billy, you called in, I would just try to find another doctor in your area. I would maybe Google like women's health clinic, you're in Colorado. I would do some research, you know, and I just think from what I've been hearing lately that we can just kind of, I wouldn't rush into it.

And I'm sorry if she's having pain, I would really love you to get a second or a third opinion. What did I think definitely if they're saying laparoscopic first just to get rid of the fibroids, I would try that head of time to try and get rid of the fibroids and keep the uterus is what I would go for.

Yeah. OK. OK. Great. Just keep going. There's no rush that I would go with something embolism. It's called uterine artery embolization, EMBLL. And so it's a uterine artery embolization.

And so or a myomectomy. We can put this in the show notes. We forget about the show notes. We got a website at sexwithemily.com and everything we talk about in the show, we actually put in the show notes there. So if you're ever like, what if that thing Emily said on the show that you can check it there. So we can put some of these terms in for you as well.

But I'm going to send this to you. Of course. Thank you. And let me know it goes. You know, I'll be here every night. So if you get a second opinion, call me back. We can discuss it because that's how I like to work with everybody.

OK. Thanks. Have a great night. All right. More with Elle after the break. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. So, Elle, this summer is the summer mid-summer. I don't know, with this COVID thing, it's like, I don't know what, I don't know what's happening, but what I do know is it's sunny out. It's summer. A lot of us have been cooped up at home with our partners, and maybe sex has just been like less than stellar lately.

We don't have the highest libidos. We just, so what can we do right now to kind of reignite that flame? I know it's hard, right? It's challenging. Yeah, it is. It's hard to think of new things, but I think, you know, one of the things I've been telling people,

some people are going on road trips now with their partners. And so they've been camping or whatever, and it's, you know, what can we do when we are camping? If we want to have sex, it's uncomfortable, it's, you know, and so I think an interesting thing to do if you're taking a road trip or even if you're going to have sex in the backyard and you want to be comfortable is, you know, take some pool noodles and tie them together to make like a little pyramid. And there you have your wedge and you can bend over it. You can do many different things with it. You can do many different things with it. You can also sort of tie them together to make a little it'll look like a raft, but it'll be something that will that you can lay on top of or put into a

sleeping bag. So who are the little so your friend when you go to have sex outside? Because you can bend them and they kind of are like the wedge that we were talking about. You can bend them, you can also cut them. So, you know, you cut them into, you know, equal legs and stack them up and tie them together. And you've got yourself your own travel sex pillow. I will never look at a pool noodle the same way. No. Curvy girl, Cunelingus, Carolingus, Cunelingus,

Carolingus, Curvy car, Cunelingus. Curvy car, Cunelingus. You don, Carlingus, Carlingus. Yes. Carlingus. Carlingus, Carlingus. You don't have to be curvy to enjoy this one. I personally love car sex. I have a thing for car sex. And so in the book, and you can just do it anyway, is just laying on your back,

whether you're parked in your, at your campground, or in your garage, or someplace where maybe someone will come in but probably not. You have your partner lay down in the back seat and you've got a wide berth there and just bend down and start a second or start a lick in. It just adds this sort of almost an nostalgic feel to it. Like when you're a teenager and you're kind of making out in the car. Yes.

Also, it's just a new place to have sex. And that does a lot. It does. It's kind of just like a different, it's a different view. I mean, we just obviously the bedrooms easier and you have all your things there and you can just get naked. It's comfortable. But that's when the boredom sets in because there's no variety. And you're like, here we are in the bedroom doing the thing. But I love the idea right now, especially because, you know, we can't really go many places, but you can go into your garage. And I just got turned on them. Like, that'd be

so fun. I have sex in the car. Maybe someone's going to walk by. Maybe we'll get caught. Maybe not. Shopping malls are closed now. So maybe driving to the top of a parking structure at a shopping mall. I don't know. I'm just spitballed. Oh my God, but there's still security. Maybe.

Maybe. Well, I remember not. I remember being home in Michigan for the summer right after I graduated from our college, but I was back home in Michigan visiting my family. And I think I had moved to San Francisco at that point, but I came home for, you know, holidays. And I was with my boyfriend and I'm like, oh, look, here's my high school. And we pulled into the parking lot.

And it was dark. It was like holiday time. And we started having sex. And the cops came up and it was not. I'm like, I never got in trouble in high school really, but here I am having sex in the parking lot. If you're going to get in trouble, that is exactly you're having sex in the parking lot. So what else can we do? What about some things we can do that don't involve penetration? We've still like an idea that sex is all about the old in and out. It's not massage is another great way to sort of connect with your partner.

And to not rush right to the penetration that we talk about. Like what if you each take 10 minutes and you set an alarm, she's like, I can't massage, try 10 minutes. I promise you, I don't know about you, but every time I've gotten a massage, even times, you know, I'm like, oh, no, I'm too stressed or I just, let's just get to it. The second, like, someone puts their hands on me

and I don't have to do anything but lay there and breathe and feel it, I'm a different state. Like, talk about changing your state and getting yourself in the mood and letting all the tension drift away because the number one killer of our sex drive is stress and anxiety and worry. And on our own, it can be really hard to shake that off.

So saying, we're going to shower, we're going to use some of this, like buying yourself some beautiful massage oil that you look forward to using together, like, oh, can't wait to try this scent. It's like shopping for toys together. You just, you really feel like it's, it's like when you get a new shirt or a new jewelry, you can't wait to go out and wear it. I feel like getting yourself, treating yourself

to a new sexy toy laundry, something that makes you feel sexy and something to share with your partner. A toy, massage oil, something like that can be just that thing we're talking about. It's not like you need a major overhaul. Like your sex, I might not even be broken, it just might need a little bit, a little tweak.

Or you wanna get closer to your partner. I think that that massage is a really wonderful way. You know, that Tantra practitioners have something called a Yoni massage or a linga massage. And it's basically a vulva or a pianist massage. And it is, the idea behind it is that the person who is giving the massage is just giving it and not there to receive anything that evening. And the person who is receiving it, all they have to do is receive pleasure and do not

have to reciprocate in any way. And then the next evening, they switch. And it's like, when you know that that's your evening and that there is no goal to the evening except to receive pleasure, it is, it really is sort of revolutionary. You kind of look at your rousal in a different way. Don't you think?

Yeah, absolutely. I love that idea because also sometimes we're not even comfortable with receiving. I know I was like this. Like even when partners like I love when someone performs oral sex on me, my favorite thing. However, there's still those moments I've had to train myself to be like, oh, well, I guess right after, you know,

he's done going down to me, then I'm going to go down to him because I'm going to owe him. I owe you something. I will. If you're giving me a gift to you or worse yet, we can't even receive. I can't even say this person wants to do it and settle into it.

So the idea of splitting it up and saying tonight's just about you, tomorrow's about me, gives you the freedom to settle in and to just feel and be embodied. And by that, I mean in your body, connecting your mind and body because so many of us, how we started talking about tonight is that we're so in our head, we're so worried about everything else. But the pleasure that we're receiving.

Yeah, and because we're in such a weird time right now, I think that getting our sex drive back is really, really challenging. And doing something like this that doesn't have penetrative sex or even orgasm as an end result is a great way to really sort of reinvigorate that part of you and start to me discover it.

And then maybe apply it in new ways. It'll just be, it's a way to shake things up and also a way to really become even more intimate with your partner. Yeah, I think so too. And I think now after we've been in COVID and for almost four or five months right now, and it's a summertime and we are just wanting to,

I don't know, I just, this is what I'm hearing from all of you, and my friends, they're like enough already, I'm over it, so, I know that my sense is, but for the summer sex, you know? This could even just be about trying it, something different,

having sex in the garage, taking showers and you get hot, what's one more thing for summer? Oh, there's, washing the car together. Ooh, see now, you can bring the car outside anywhere. I mean, even if you have an apartment, you know, just get that garden hose and wash the car together and maybe wear something that'll stick a little bit

and you know, play with the suds and get really sort of sensual and sexy with the stream of water and really let yourself go. That's a task that can be made very sensual and it will cool you off in the summer and then you can go back in and dry each other off and then go at it. You gotta wash your car anyway, right? You gotta wash it anyway because you know, because I get a washer car anyway, right? You got to wash it anyway because, you know, it's like now, it's like, I'm at the best getting gross. Yeah, mine too.

I was just like, Oh, God, I realize that my hose and my backyard does stretch to the front. And then I was like, I don't even remember how to wash my car, but maybe I should have a date and invite someone over to wash my car. There you go. You are full of ideas. You little seductress. Little mix. I am. That's true. L. Chase. Thank you so much for being here.

Thanks for having me. I love you and I appreciate you so much. Check out our book, Curvy Girl Sex. And the L. Chase everywhere. One more thing I want to mention. I Would be remiss if I didn't mention your legendary site, which was down for a while, because Tumblr porn couldn't be a thing. But she started a site called Lady Cheeky 10 years ago. Yeah. 10 years ago next month. Okay, and it is really like, it was voted by Cosmo Magazine,

the most female- Osmo Huffington Post, Flammer, the most female-friendly porn site. Right, so people, you guys are always asking me, and it's really cute. Elsa, an excellent curator, if you check out our Instagram or social media. She trusts and knows what is kind of hot.

And so the Tumblr thing is ladychicky.com. Yeah. It's super erotic images that are more gift-for-ronding. I meant tortuous. But a lot of men like to, how do you explain that process of, of it's a lot of gifts, right? It's not necessary. It's a lot of videos.

It's a lot of gifts and a lot of photography of what I like to go for is anything that turns me on. And usually what turns me on is something that's very passion driven and where you can feel the desire and you can feel the attraction between people can feel the the attraction between people. And it's not just sort of cut and dried sex, although there is some of that because everybody has

moods. But I sort of it's it's it's it's used a lot for couples to look at together to get a rouse and also talk about what they like when they what they see in it. So that's another way to break them and not need and build up your sex drive. I love that. I'm so glad it's back online. And one more thing, I have a question that just came up and then what is the most, if you could say popular image that's ever, is there like one image

that through the course of time or one genre of image? Yes, tell me. There is one little video that gets hundreds of thousands and I will post it again and I will post it actually on my Instagram. Okay. It is a man giving his girlfriend kisses on her neck

and it goes on for a very long time and people go nuts. It is, this is the thing I've ever seen. Yes. And everyone's a while. I will, I will play it. This person who filmed it only did two videos and this is one of them and it's on Vimeo

so you can find it, but I can't remember it up top of my head. So I'll post it on the Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. And then I want to share it. And then I want to look at it after the show and get turned on. Okay, but thank you L chase for being here. I'm so appreciate you always. Thank you for your time. You can find me online at sex with Emily dot com and on Instagram, Twitter and

Facebook at sex with Emily. Find me money through Friday, five to seven pamphlets on serious XM stars for even more sex talk, calls, and interviews. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. And don't forget, share the love, like, subscribe, and share, because if you enjoyed the show, your partner or lover or best friend will too. your partner or lover or best friend will too.