Sex With Emily - Summer Sex Vibes

Episode Date: June 11, 2022

What would the world be like if we didn’t have shame about sex? Can you imagine how different your life would be, if you were told that sexual pleasure was healthy? If you were given the memo early on that masturbation was legit self-care, and that sex itself was joyful and good for you, rather than a one-way ticket to STI’s and unwanted pregnancy?  Today’s best-of show is all about being the change we want to see in the world: becoming people who are conversant and comfortable discussing sex, because this is how we evolve people. Plus, I take your calls! Why using toys during sex is the literal best, what the hell a “lube shooter” is, and how to lovingly - persuasively - ask your partner for more oral. Show Notes:6 Hottest Masturbation MovesRelax, It’s Just Anal w/ Dr. Hernando Chaves Seducing The Booty w/ Alicia Sinclair Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I assumed that I was somehow broken because I wasn't having orgasms through penetration. I really thought, I'm going to get to the bottom of this, like, why am I broken? And come to find out, like, within the first month of doing this show, that, oh, I get it, nobody's. Only 20% of women are having orgasms that way. And all we're seeing is penetrative sex being the standard. You know, we equate the penis to the vagina. When really, if we think about it being accurate, the penis and the clitoris are way more accurate. They have similar makeup,

similar reptile tissue. That's where really the pleasure centers are. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. What would the world be like if we didn't have shame about sex? Can you imagine how different your life would be if you were told that sexual pleasure was healthy? If you were given the memo early on that masturbation was legit self-care and that sex itself was joyful and good for you rather than a one-way ticket to STI's and unwanted pregnancy.

Well, today's show is all about being the change we want to see in the world. Becoming people who are conversant and comfortable discussing sex because this is how we evolve people, plus I take your calls, while using toys during sex is the literal best, what the hell is a loop shooter, and how to lovingly, persuasively ask your partner for more oral. Alright, contentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending in tension. and how to lovingly, persuasively ask your partner for more oral. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending in tension. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode?

How can it help you? Well, my intention is to empower you to talk about sex in a comfortable way. If you feel nervous discussing it, you're so not alone. We weren't set up for success, which is precisely why this show exists. By listening to these episodes and being part of the sexual family community, you are doing your part making sex a normal, healthy and shame-free topic in our day-to-day lives. Please, please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you

listen to the show. My new article, Six Hottest Masterbation Moves, is up at sexwithemlee.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. Also, check out my TikTok. It's sex with Emily, and there'll be lots happening there soon. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemmy.com slash

ask Emily or call my hatline, 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. All you gotta do is include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Do you ever wonder why we don't want to talk about sex? Like, why is it so hard to even say the word sex? Why is it so taboo? If you think about it, every time I tell someone what I do for a living, it gets getting a

little better, but I'll say sex with Emily. That's the name of my show and they go, oh, you talk about sex. And there's definitely a judgment. You know, I'll be at a party and I'll say, oh, I'm a sex therapist. And then there's the people who are like, tell me everything. And then there's the people who are like, I'm going to go refill my drink. Those are the people that don't want to talk to me about sex. So they're uncomfortable.

Like if you think about it, we're here because people had sex, right? In the traditional sense of the word, intercourse happened. Sperm fertilized egg and then baby came out. But yet, now we don't feel comfortable talking about it, but we don't teach it in schools, at least not in a way that's accurate. So currently 24 states in the District of Columbia, mandate that we teach sex education.

34 states say, you know, we gotta teach HIV education. And so every state has some kind of guidance, how and when sex education should be taught, but it's up to the individual school districts. But only 13 states require that sex ed has to be medically accurate, right? So there's actually facts. So what are we supposed to do?

Why should sex be comfortable then to talk about? And then if we grew up in a home where it was not talked about me, we grew up in a religious background or culturally shame for talking about sex. So we grew up constantly hearing that sex is wrong or it's only for procreation or wait till we're married and touching ourselves in self-pleasure as taboo.

Why would we be set up to talk about sex? We wouldn't. My sex said was in seventh grade and it was a mixed class of boys and girls and all I remember is some kid raised his hand and said, can we have sex underwater? That's all I remember. The teacher like shamed him and said, that we have sex underwater? That's all I remember. The teacher like shamed him and said,

like, that's a bad question. Listen, here's the rules about talking about sex. There's no bad questions. We all have questions around sex. People always say, who's your audience? I was like, it's literally everyone. You know, I hear from people who are 18 to 83 and what I realize is a lot of us have the same questions.

Sometimes there's like the first infraction, right? When we're kids, maybe we were touching ourselves, right? We had our hands on our pants, we were rubbing up against the bed, and we might not even remember it. It's like our first offense. And we were five years old, and our grandmother walked by and said, stop touching yourself, or that's private, or that's disgusting, or don't do that. And then that becomes our baseline for sex.

It just takes one person shaming us for us to feel that it's somehow wrong. And we're thinking, oh, maybe it's a kid who's thinking, but that felt good. Or maybe we went to some repeated learning place where they kept saying, if you masturbate, you're going to go blind or it's really shameful. And maybe we feel bad about our bodies, right? We think, well, I've heard about this sex thing. You know, I don't love my body, and I don't want anyone to see it.

And it's also really confusing messages because people are like, oh, but we're so much more sexual now. You know, they're sex everywhere. Kids are seeing porn at eight years old on their, you know, smartphones and on their iPad. So we're so hypersexual in America. But the truth is, yes, we see more sex everywhere.

We have more access to sex, but that doesn't mean that we are hyper educated around sex, that we are sexually healthy. You know, sexual health and wellness is such a strong emerging category right now everywhere, especially like, you know, you go to the drugstore now and you see like there's a sexual health and wellness aisle. Like that wasn't even allowed before. And sometimes they even sell vibrators. When I started selling vibrators at Target,

it was like a whole thing, right? But why don't we? Why is it so not safe? I mean, you're listening to this show because you want to get the information. So I think it's important to look at our own selves and think, well, yeah, I'm really not comfortable with it. I don't tell anybody that I listened to your podcast.

You know, I wouldn't tell my friends. And I always encourage you, I want you to be that person, your friend group. If no one's ever talked about it, why can't you be the one? He's like, you know, I realize we've never talked about sex, but what's your views on it? How important is pleasure in your life? Do you masturbate? What's your sex life like?

So, the problems for not talking about sex is that as results of never hearing anyone talk about it, not our neighbors, not our parents, not our friends, we tend to look at what we do see about sex. We look at porn and we think, oh, well, that must be how sex happens, which you all know if you've been listening, that, you know, what we see in traditional pornography is not an accurate representation of how sex actually should happen. We don't see safe sex, we don't see the warm-up, we don't see the awkward moments, we don't see people using protection, we don't see them using lubrication, people go right into anal sex without any warm-up. Women are having orgasms in porn without any stimulation. I mean, none of it makes sense because it's

performative, it's actually fiction. Learning how to have sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching fasts in the furious, it's just not accurate. So we're looking at all these things and then we make assumptions that our neighbors must be having great sex because they never talk about it. They seem so happy.

I see them walk you on the neighborhood and they're holding hands. They're the happiest couple in the world. And then we compare ourselves to porn, to our neighbors, to this ideal that sex is pleasurable for everybody. And everybody must be having orgasms all the time. I mean, this is where I started with my show was that I assumed that I was somehow broken because I wasn't having orgasms through penetration.

I really thought, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Like, why am I broken? And come to find out, out, within the first month of doing this show, that, oh, I get it. Nobody's only 20% of women are. Only 20% of women are having orgasms that way. So then I started to unpack it, and all we're seeing is penetrative sex being the standard. We equate the penis to the vagina. When really, if we think about it being accurate, the penis and the clitoris are way more accurate. They have similar makeup, similar rectal tissue.

That's where really the pleasure centers are. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. The penis has 4,000 nerve endings. It's not about penis and vagina. So then all of our focus goes towards penetration, penetration, penetration. And then all the other stuff is tossed aside. We stop kissing when we're in relationships

for a long time. We stop finding out what pleases our partner. We don't seek information about it. So we just don't know. We don't know what we don't know. Maybe we had some kind of trauma growing up. I think it's like three out of eight women have had some kind of trauma in their life.

You know, a sexual assault or a sexual trauma. Men have this too. If we've had a trauma and we've had some assault or abuse, we're certainly not, not only are we not comfortable talking about sex, but we're not even comfortable being sexual. And as a result of that trauma, we might have shut down. You might have decided that we are just not sexual or we're not open comfortable being sexual. And as a result of that trauma, we might have shut down. You might have decided that we are just not sexual

or we're not open for business ever. And we fake our way through sex. And that's part of it as well. And just so you know, you know, trauma is such a, you know, a huge beast. It's like if we have experienced any sort of trauma, we absolutely need to seek therapy about it. We need to work that through,

because that just kind of sticks with us throughout our lifetime. It just sort of, unfortunately, gets louder and louder. We might be uncomfortable with pleasure. Also, let's just talk about self-pleasure and masturbation. When I was growing up, but I kind of think it's the same right now

because I've been spending a lot of time talking to my friends' kids and my own kids in my life about sex that it's always glorified. Male masturbation. Remember American pie? It was all about male masturbation. You're seeing men masturbating, men masturbating. But you never see women masturbating. You never glorified it.

So it's really shameful. I recently did a Zoom call with a bunch of 18-year-old girls, women asked them about sex and they were all friends, but they also were a little bit uncomfortable talking to each other about masturbation still, because it, again, still feels shameful and wrong. And we're just uncomfortable with the notion of pleasure, right? And not even just with masturbation, but in life, we think, well, I don't deserve pleasure.

Our pleasure is gonna come after I work. After I get up these 10 things done, or after I put the kids to bed, or after I accomplish all these texts, and then I'll allow myself over to pleasure, but just the whole concept of pleasure and even giving ourselves pleasure is just something that we don't feel that we deserve. Again, we feel it's wrong.

I even had someone call into the show saying that every time she masturbated, maybe it was a man. I hear this from everybody. Actually, that they feel this shame. It's like a shame over. So that was something somehow wrong with me masturbated, maybe it was a man. I hear this from everybody. Actually, they feel this shame. It's like a shame over. So that was something somehow wrong with me that I just masturbated.

And there's a lot of reasons for that too. It's because it's secretive. A lot of times we do it in secret. We're hiding it from our partners. Maybe our partner banned pornography for our life. A lot of you email me and call about this. You're like, my partner told me I couldn't watch Porna anymore, so now I'm like in the basement. All right, I'm in my car.

You know, if you grew up every weekend, you were going to some religious institution or your family was saying, don't masturbate, don't masturbate, and you could be 30 years later. And you're masturbating. They're still that echo. You know, we talk about, in your brain, that's like, this is somehow wrong. This is shameful. This is dirty.

It's okay to have an orgasm, and it's okay to have pleasure. It doesn't feel right. So why would we talk about it? I never heard anyone talk about it, even though what my mom said, and what I find now is that a lot of parents do the same thing, is they say, oh, we're very open in our household about sex.

Oh, I told my kids if they have any questions, just to ask me, we're very open. And my mom was the same way. She says, if you have any questions, Emily, ask me. But the problem is as kids, we don't know what the questions are. We assume that we know everything about sex. We're like, yeah, you make babies. And there's something about it that is super taboo.

And I'll do that when I'm an adult, right? So like, we don't even know what the questions are. And so with my mom too, she just said that. I didn't know what it was, and I just assumed that I knew everything. And so, it wasn't until, you know, much later, until I was 35 when I started this show, and I started asking the questions.

And we just make assumptions that we all just know. And what I found too, and talking to a friend son, who's 17 years old, very smart. He's very studied, got all-azed school, very hard worker, and his mom said, would you mind talking to him? He had sex questions, and he's not comfortable talking to me. And we got on the phone, and he said, you know, he was having some problems with performing. I said, but do you watch porn?

He said, I do, I do. I said, okay, and I gave him my whole porn thing that no shame on your porn game, but just so you know, that's not accurate. Like that is not how real sex happens. There's bits and parts of it that happen, but it's not the whole like knowing what your part, you know, he was with a woman like knowing what turns her on, knowing what makes her feel good. And he said, okay, fine, Emily, I hear what you're saying, but if porn isn't real, then

just direct me to the place where I can watch real sex. Where's my real information? So I'm not learning this misinformation because he's like an academic. What frustrates me is that I wish there was a place that I could send everyone's kids and send all of you to be like, this is accurate. And so that is also one of my missions besides a loop on every night stand is to create some kind of sex network where you're seeing this accurate portrayal of sex that's not boring, not like those old movies that are like, zipliness goes into the vagina.

It's like, no, like people laugh and they joke and condoms fall off and you don't get hard, you don't stay hard, you don't have orgasms. You have pain, so many women have pain. And here's the other thing is that we kind of suffer silently through bad sex and through pain. You know, 80% of women are going to experience pain at some point in their life. And of those women, they're never going to talk about it because, well, since we don't talk about it, they don't realize that they're not alone, that there's so many other women that are silently

suffering, but they're never sitting down with their friends going, so I had this really painful sex experience last night, that we assume that since we haven't heard it or seen it, that we must be alone. And so that's why I want us all to just kind of look at why, what's keeping me from talking about sex? Is it shame? Is it trauma? Is it my upbringing? Is it because I don't love my body? Is it because I feel like I don't have the answers?

Like, what is it that is your roadblock to pleasure? Because pleasure is our birthright. We all deserve pleasure. We all deserve to have really healthy sex lives. We want to be accepted for our sexuality and our fantasies. I mean, sometimes the shame goes into, well, I don't want to tell my partner I'm bisexual. Or I don't want to tell my partner that I want to wear women's underwear, but I'm a man. You know, there's all this shame around what actually turns us on, our fantasies and our desires. We're like, well, I can't get turned on with this

kind of sex. So it's just all, if we started talking about sex from the jump and we started to talk about sex when we were even kids and it wasn't shameful, that's why I want you to start today. Think about, what are my roadblocks? Why am I not talking about it? And how can I challenge my beliefs around sex and talking to people I love about sex and make a change for the better. After the break, I've answered your questions. Let's talk to Sarah 35 in Arkansas. She has some fun summer sex stories. Yay, Sarah. Tell me everything.

Okay, I've been married for 13 years this summer. We've got three kiddos. And we're actually clothing on a new home tomorrow. And it has been really fun. We're actually closing on a new home tomorrow. And it has been really fun to just have, to know that like, okay, these are the last few knots we're gonna have in this house that we've lived in for almost a decade. And let's just have some good sex to kind of commemorate

that all the leveling you have for the house. It's been really good. That's a miracle. And we're going to have new house sex. Tell me about one memory from your old house to celebrate that the old house sex.

Anything fun? Would you do? Um, yeah, so one of the first things that we did in the old house was kind of Kristen each room. Managed the bathroom. So that's a really good memory.

That's a good thing. Yeah, I love it. I love it. I'm making those memories and Kristen and the neighbors. I love it. They have. Sarah, congratulations. Really, buying a house is a big step.

A new house, a new chapter. So congratulations. And here's to you one more years of great sex. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for calling. Let's talk to Jonathan 45 in Iowa. Hi, Jonathan. What's going on?

Thanks for calling uh... yes uh... actually uh... started to you actually probably about two weeks ago uh... uh... actually uh... working and iowa helping uh... uh... of trutton people's lives back together after the big storm but uh... caught on to your uh... to some of your old episodes but i just want to make a comment for all the mail that listen out there and go ahead and

back you when I say that using sex toys on your female partner is wonderful and great. I just want to tell all the males that in my 20 plus years experiencing sex through marriages or through women, using sex tools, I look at them like, and I tell them in this all the time, or my friends, it's like working on your car, you know? You got different tools for different jobs on a car. You shouldn't feel intimidated, and your number one, of course, is to pleasure your other partner regardless of what you use.

Exactly John said the job gets done. Yes the job gets done and there's different toys, there's different stores you can go to. You can probably remember well I don't know I'm probably a lot older than you but back when I was younger you, going to a sex, adult toy store, with sort of creepy, you know, a lot of strangers hanging around there and guys and trench coats, but now you get adult stores

that are cleaner than some of the Walmart and Target you go into. It's so true. That can help you, you know? Exactly, oh my God, Jonathan. You gotta come work for us. This is amazing, Jonathan. It's true true. That can help you, you know? Exactly. Oh my God, Jonathan, you got to come work for us. This is amazing, Jonathan. It's true though. Yeah, I grew up in Michigan and there was this one off the highway.

I think it was called like pink lady or something. I don't remember what it was called. It was so sketchy. It was like pink and black. I was driving to college. It was like a pink light flashing with a naked woman. And then, yeah, same thing like men in trench coats. You have to go to the back of the store. I was at it was so tentulating. No, they're like beautiful stores that

you walk in. It's like totally fine. There's so many toys. Yeah, and it's just another tool in your toolkit and your sexual toolkit. Exactly, Jonathan. Thank you. And the other thing too, as I just want to say, yes, a loop is important instead of having one loop on your night stand. You should have multiple loops because there's different loops for different situations. Exactly. Oh my God. Love this, Jonathan.

What's your favorite loop? Do you silicone or water-based? To be honest with you, my favorite loop is whichever loop the woman I'm with feels comfortable with because not all women are the same. True. There's some great water-based ones, some women are more sensitive. Thank you, Jonathan. You sound like a very evolved, open sexual man. I wish that you know, I hope a lot of men are listening to this and are inspired right now. That it's all just sex. It's all about pleasure. Why not do what makes everyone feel good? Okay, this is from Instagram, our Instagram is Sex with Emily. It's from a female. And she says, is it okay to always bring a literal vibrator into the bedroom if that's the only way you can

finish with a partner? I love this question. So many women I know just keep their vibrators to themselves. And we leave it in our little drawer, you know, but vibrators to themselves and we leave it in our little drawer, you know, button on nightstand and we're like, why I have to just either fake this orgasm or pretend it's okay that it's an orgasm, but I know there's a little powerful little magic right

next to my bed, but I don't want my partner to feel bad about it. I don't want to feel shame. What is wrong if that is the only way you can orgasm? You're having an orgasm, does it matter how it happened? Can we please let go of the fact that every orgasm is supposed to happen with a penis inside of a vagina?

If I am telling you, it only happens 20% of the time. Why are we so caught up that that's what it is? That's how it has to happen. I say, yeah, what I'm telling you is that you definitely want to talk to your partner ahead of time and say, hey, you know, I've got this toy, it feels really yeah. What I'm telling you is that you definitely want to talk to your partner ahead of time and say, hey, you know, I've got this toy. It feels really good. What I do is I'll be like, check out my toy right when we're starting to like, flow

around. And then I pull it out. I'll just say, look at this toy. And first off, so many men that I'm with, they're expecting like a huge giant dildo. It's going to be bigger than them because that's how they picture barbeters. Then I turn it on and then I'll slowly, I'll get out some massage oil and I'll start to move it over their body,

like over their chest. I'll start to tease them with it, I'll make out with them and then I'll have it on their neck and I just, they're like, whoa, that feels so good. Because vibrations feel great all over your body, our bodies are covered in nerve endings. So why just rely on our hands, right?

Don't do that either. You can just use, so I just show them. And then I'll tease them. I'll use it on maybe on their shaft from like going down to them. I'll like take all their balls with it. I'll use, it's like, it becomes our toy. We're doing it together.

Then when we're starting to have, you know, the penetrative sex, should it happen, then we're still using the toy, it's still my hand. And then I'll like, okay, and here's how it goes on my clitoris, and that's how you do it. And I can't imagine that that should be a problem. So to answer your question, Amber, female from Instagram, I think it's always okay to bring it into the bedroom

as long as you introduce it. You don't just like, sometimes I think, you don't think about it. Anyone gets up in the middle of sex. You're like, what happened? What are we doing? You have to have it out already. Let's introduce it to him, right? It's like going up to a dog or something. You can go up and you're like, warm a mop, you just go up, pick up a dog.

Oh, this is my analogy. But you're like, hey, come here. You can smell my hand. They'll let me pet you. Same thing. You're like, look at this toy. Isn't it cute like this little pink? And then you show it to him and they're like, oh, yeah.

That's fun. Show me that. And it feels good to them. So if it feels good on them, they're like, look at this toy. Isn't it cute like this little pink and then you show it to them and they're like, oh yeah, that's fun, show me that. And it feels good to them. So if it feels good on them, they're not gonna have to care that you're using it. Pector 32 in San Bernardino, California. He has a question about loob shooter tips. And you're probably going, what the hell's a loob shooter? Well, you know that I'm a huge fan of loob.

I think that loube is so underrated and that a lot of you just don't have lube. You don't have quality lube. You know, you only use it. If there's a huge problem, but I believe that every sex act is highly improved by adding a few drops of lube. Well, he said, my wife and I have recently

been having a lot of pegging sex lately, meaning that she is penetrating him with a dildo in his anus. That's what it means. I just recently heard the relax. It's just anal episode. That was the first time I've heard about loob shooters. My question is, when applying the loob,

do we insert it all the way in? Me and then eject the loob. Also, for the loob, tablet. What brand do you suggest? All right, I wish I had a loop shooter here, but I don't. But that was a really fun episode. Relax, it's just anal. We had Alisa Sinclair on from BVib.

Her company is all butt plugs. She's literally like, nope, I'm not gonna do anything, but butt plugs, I'm gonna do a loop shooter, and I'm gonna do it right. So a loop shooter just kinda looks like a syringe, but it has lube in it. So you fill it up with lube, and you can use this in your vagina as well.

But if you put it in the anus, you wanna go about halfway in, and you wanna fill the lube shooter up halfway as well. You put it halfway in, you wanna put it all the way in, and then you just kinda slowly release it, and then there's like no mess, there's no cleanup, you know that you are well lubricated. Because remember,

remember your anus is not self lubricated. And so that's when tears happen, that's when anal sex can be super painful. So you want to always prepare for anal and I love the idea of a loop shooter and you can get loop shooters for like 12 bucks in some places, which isn't a problem at all. That's a 12 bucks for a loop shooter. I have a loop shooter at the office. That's another reason to go back to the office. I want to get a loop shooter

and I want to try it. Let's do this email from Abby. She says, I've been dating a guy for about five months and everything is going great for the most part. Trust him. I believe we've created a strong foundation. Although there's one thing that I cannot figure out how to navigate. He doesn't like being told what to do. While the sex is good, I feel like I'm putting in more effort. He's only gone down on me once. Never tries to pleasure me in other ways besides with his penis. I've tried to tell him, these are the things I would enjoy,

but nothing's changed. How do I get him to put in more effort without him feeling like I'm telling him what to do? Let's break this down for Abby. I love when you guys start out like, everything's great, I love them to the best person ever, but there's one thing. Now to me, this isn't just one little thing.

This is a big thing. I understand that there's a lot of people that I don't want to just say men, but in this case, I'm just going to say that don't want to take directions. I believe in some way it's because many men might feel and women feel this too, don't get me wrong. We don't want feedback when we're trying to be sexual

because we feel that it means that we are somehow broken and men have so much, we're like failing in some way or we're less manly. And my heart goes out to men, say this all the time because you have so much pressure in a heterosexual relationship. You traditionally, now times they are changing, but you have to make the first move, you have to plan the date. You're supposed to know what you're doing sexually. And then someone says, do you want this? I want that. know what you're doing sexually. And then someone says to you, oh, baby,

I want this, I want that. And then you're like, don't tell me what to do. I know my way around your body and what I want, me. I'm thinking that's what it is. I have to think that's what it is. You can tell me if you ever not wanted to take instructions from someone and why in the bedroom. But Abby, you feel like you're putting in more effort.

You probably are. And the fact that the only goes on and you once and you told But Abby, you feel like you're putting in more effort, you probably are. And the fact of the only goes down and you once, and you told him, it's not that you're telling him what to do, like let's break this down. I'm telling him what to do when he doesn't like it. I'm gonna change a language here. You're not telling him what to do. You're having a healthy conversation

about your sex life, which you should be doing five months in, you should be doing it five days in. And you're like, yeah, you know, this is, you know, hopefully we say it this way. You know, it's really hot when you go down to me. I love it. That's like one of my favorite things. And by the way, the majority of vulva owners, oral sex is one of their favorite things. Something with the external stimulation is what's going to do it for women.

If you're talking about orgasms, you're talking about the most pleasure. That's where all the nerve endings are on the outside of the vagina. Problem is a lot of people don't have this information. That only 20% of women are going to orgasm from a penis. So he doesn't know any of this. He's like the majority of men who haven't listened to this show, who haven't ever researched on their own, they're just going off of porn and they're going off of what they might have learned from a friend

or what they've seen. That penetrative sex is the magic. That's what we're all working towards. Four plays just that. It's four before the sex, before the sex. It's not the actual sex. Four play, the boobs, they'll play with the breast, going down. That's just a warm-up. That's the appetizer, but the magic is in the penetration. Penis goes into vagina, and that's where it happens. Now, I understand why that is a belief. I understand why people feel that way because that's all we see. But in fact, we say penis vagina when really it's penis clitoris.

It's penis clitoris. The clitoris is where most women are going to have orgasms and clutter. So regardless, your boyfriend is still believing this old model, and this is what makes sense to people. They're like, well, this is what's going to happen. So you just have to educate him, Abby. I would say outside the bedroom, you guys know, like I believe the best conversations about sex happen with timing and tone and turf under consideration. You want to do it at a right time when you're not stressed out and fighting about something else or you're frustrated that your partner didn't do something right time.

When you're not hungry, you're not anxious, you're not pissed off. And then your tone is always curious and light and say, you know what, babe, this is, oh God, our sex has been, you know, I so love when we're like making out, things are great, and you know what I really, I know I've told you this, but what really gets me turned on, like what I fantasize about when you're not here is the way you go down to me. It is so hot.

That thing you've done, that one time you did it, whatever. But you don't want to be like, you never do it. I've told you this five times, because nobody changes their behavior that way. They just don't. The second you get that tone, because I'm talking about tone, it's curious. It's light.

It's not nagging. It's not saying you never do this, and you don't do that, because that puts our partner on the defensive. It's offensive. And then it's turf. It is outside the bedroom. It is not when it happened again.

He just stuck his penis inside of you. He did three pumps. He came and he rolled over and he're like, you know what? I really wish you would have gone down to me again. And I know that's when you want to have the conversation because you're frustrated has to happen later. That's my advice for you because you're asking me, Abby, how do I get him to put a more effort without in feeling like I'm telling him what to do? Well, you could even say to him outside the bedroom, let's talk about our sex life. It's been five months in. You could even say to him, here's a great icebreaker for this conversation. What's your three most memorable time you've had sex? And then, guess what, Abby, you can say to him, well, here's mine. One of them can be that time you went

down on me. And then you could even from there say of them can be that time you went down to me. And then you could even from there say, and I really love when you go down to me. I mean, reinforce it in an environment where you're exchanging information and you're having a healthy conversation. That's when our partner can start to hear us. That's when we can start to have healthy conversations around sex rather than the ones that are just go nowhere. And we feel like our partner's not listening to us again.

I genuinely believe that we're all good at people. That we all come onto the planet, we all born to this earth for good people. If we're in a relationship with someone, why would we be in a relationship with someone deciding that we're gonna be a bad lover? Like, I'm gonna, I love this person, I'm gonna be with Abby, but I'm just not gonna get any of her needs.

I'm never gonna go down in her, and I don't care if she is an orgasm. I don't think that her partner is walking around, thinking that Abby highly doubt it. But the disconnect is that there's just not enough information that he has an education around what works for you. And I'm not even saying this is every woman. Like, what Abby works for you, what's a big turn on?

And I think that we have to all remember that our partners are not mine readers. They're maybe assuming on what little information they have about sex is what's gonna turn you on and most of the time again. Everything we mostly learned about sex until this point isn't true, it doesn't work, it's not working for Abby. So what is the one thing that you want your partner to do

more of? Now it could be in the bedroom or anywhere else. What's that one thing that you want them to do more of that they're not? That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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