Sex With Emily - Surprise Orgasms & Summer Sex Talks

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is bringing you Summer highlights of sex in the news because what better way to welcome in the Fall season than reflecting on the hottest happenings of 2019? Plus, she’s answering all your sex, dating & relationship questions.She talks about all the heat this summer brought us – from accidental orgasms, summer penis, to non consensual choking – & if it was actually hot or not, how video chat is only ideal for first dates but never for sexual compatibility, & ways to find the common ground of sexual experiences with a partner. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. This is Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm bringing you summer highlights of Sex in the News because, hey, what better way to welcome in the fall season than by reflecting on the hottest happenings of 2019. Plus, I'm answering all of your sex, dating and relationship questions topics include from summer penis to accidental orgasms to non-consensual choking. Was all the heat that this summer brought us? Was it really hot? We'll find out. Video chat. It's ideal for first dates, but maybe not the best way for figuring out if you're actually sexually compatible.

So, you haven't talked about sex with your husband in years, and there's quite a lot to unravel. Where do you begin? And how to find the common ground on your sexual experiences and make it the best sex yet? All this and more. Thanks for listening. Boydra? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to understand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information.

Check out Sex with Emily.com. I've been up on our website. You will love it. Plus you can find me on Series X and Radio. It stars channel 109 Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 pm Pacific. It's been amazing. You guys should check it out. You can get a free 30 day trial at sex withem.com slash SXM or just call in,

AAA9478277. You can find me in all social media. It's at sexwem.com with Emily across the board. Alright guys, thanks for listening. Enjoy the show. You got some news. Some good bit news. Good job, Jamie. My favorite thing in the world. Alright, okay. Does summer penis exist? The truth about men looking bigger in the heat.

You just maybe want to talk like that after that news thing. I like it. I'm into it. Okay. So you guys, here's the deal about your penis. Okay, there's a whole debate. As the temperature rises, some men swear. They swear the heat has a very flattering effect about your penis. Okay, there's a whole debate. As the temperature rises, some men swear, they swear the heat has a very flattering effect

on their penis. They think it adds inches in length and in length and girth down below. So, there's a phenomenon, guess what, they call it summer penis. You can think of a better name for that, but anyway. Summer penis is a temporary penis fluctuation. Thanks to the heat and warmth

and gives you a month's long leg up on shaft size. In a world of growers and showers, consider it nature's way of bringing some equality to pack you just everywhere. So then it goes on and says it's some men are saying, yeah, my penis is consistently larger when I look in the mirror in the summer. I've had bigger measurements taking in the summer. And I mean, the truth is, you're out more in the summer. You're hiking, you're swimming, you're going for long jobs, the blood is pumping,

and that's typically gonna mean that you're going to have a seemingly larger penis in a larger erection, because as we were saying earlier, we're talking about gains wave, like so much about the penis's erection and having a healthy erection is about blood flow. So, you know, then there's some debate back and forth, but the truth is it does make sense

that if a man's penis, the size of a penis can increase and decrease as the result of a relaxation and contraction of the tiny little blood vessels that comprise on the inside of the shaft of the penis. So when they're warmer, it's going to increase relaxation which increases the blood flow, which means the longer fuller experience. So more heat, more flow, more blood flow, bigger penis,

bigger pain, they call it the article. Bigger pain. I mean, and your test of your testicles absolutely do hang a little lower when it's hot. So, I don't know. I mean, I guess I feel like if you want to look larger also, and there's some debate, I don't know if it's going to be so much that you're all of a sudden

going to have this penis confidence. But it's a good thing to know. how many men are walking around like showing off their flasadick though is my question. I don't know, but maybe even when it gets lard, when it gets erect, it's also bigger. Oh, okay. Interesting. Well, but maybe you guys, the other thing I thought of, I thought of, you know, would have, you know, the thing about summer is that you might also be swimming.

They could be colder. You know what happens? They women know about shrinkage. How do women know about shrinkage? Isn't it common knowledge? Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. The women know about shrinkage. What do you mean like laundry?

No. Like when a man goes swimming afterwards. It shrinks. Okay, that's where actually in our opening air show, we're like, it's like laundry at Shrinkage is a thing. And in that episode of Seinfeld, when George is like, I was in the pool because a girl walks in on a and he's penis is small. So there's also the shrinkage factor that can happen in the summer if you're in the pool. So just know that, I guess it grows, it shrinks when your penis is cold, it will shrink.

It'll take a little bit. So this is supposed to make them feel better like as opposed to the wintertime when it's cold or when they're, or maybe hopefully they're just in warmer pools, warmer water. Yeah, yeah, and it's just warm outside and you're running around. So I'm just saying it's a thing.

So if you've been feeling down, which you never showed about your penis size, because we got you, we're talking about this all the time, you guys. You know that you are the one you, you are more concerned about your penis than anybody else's. Like we're not tripped up on, I mean, some people might be tripped up on the eyes, but the majority of women or people who are with penis that I've heard from are not, are not car-opened size. Have you ever been with someone that was like insecure about their penis size?

Yes, I have been. And I like how did you, now the D-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F- show. I dated for two and a half years and it was small and and he was a premature ejaculator. Oh, so there's two things. There was a two for and I often wondered if they were connected because he was insecure about his penis size and then therefore would prematurely ejaculate. I don't know, I think they were connected but I was I was way too I did not have enough knowledge to to know what to do with that situation. So, yeah. But I honestly, there was other things that were, oh, I don't know, that was a long time ago. There were other things that were good about it and we did kind of learn and I did get the book,

the multi-argastic man for him because that was the book that was out. I was like, we should work on it. But then I remember getting bummed because he wasn't working out and he wasn't doing the exercises. I was like, you've got to do those stop-start method things. You've got to do those exercises and he wasn't, he wasn't really willing to do them. So yeah, and I the exercises. I was like, you gotta do those stop start method things. You gotta do those exercises and he wasn't, he wasn't really willing to do them. So yeah, and I have been, I mean, I'm trying to think overall, I think guys know but I'm telling you this guy went off, got married, he happily married, got kids.

Like I feel like for me, there was other things and I wasn't even looking for a serious thing at that time, but it's not a deal breaker. It is not the end of the world. It is, it's actually for many women, they don't even notice. They don't care. They're like, I get off in other ways. And remember, the G spot is only an inch and half inside anyway.

So it's not about the depth. It's not about how deep you can go. And if anything, we hear the girth is where all the magic. If we want anything, it's not length, it's girth. That is very true. Because you like to feel filled up. Yeah. But then kegels help with that. Kegels help you. If you bulk up your pelvic floor muscles, you bulk up this holiday season with your kegels like right on an iPhone app called Keagle Camp and you

can download it on your iPhone and then it reminds you of Doom Toys a Day in three weeks or a month you're going to be having a lot stronger orgasms. I just thought about like if there was like, like a woman section or like a vulva-havvers section of the gym where like penis havers could not go. And it's just like a workout class of doing kegels in different weights. And it's just like, I think there should be.

I think I have the kegoballs. When I got the weighted balls, like that was the changer for me and the Apex and the gym. Oh, speaking have the kegoballs, but I got the weighted balls. Like, that was the changer for me and the apex and the gym. Oh, speaking of the gym. So our next one, okay, you guys, speaking of the gym, we got some more sex in the news for you.

You can also call us, keep holding AAA 9478277, accidental orgasms are real. And here's how they happen. So I got interviewed for a story with Byrofinery29 a few weeks ago, and they were like, Emily, what's an accidental orgasm, and how does it happen? And so it ended up being this, an article here,

and essentially what it is is they happen in non-sexual situations, like you could be in physical therapy, you could be working out, you could just be laughing really hard, you could be in a hot tub. A lot of people have accidentally organized well exercising and that is called a corgasm. Ooh, and I actually, when writing this article, I realize that that's, I have had a corgasm. Really? I used to go to the, and this was years ago, I would go to the gym and they had those thigh machines where you could, the abductors and the endoctors.

It wasn't the thigh master, it was like those abductors and inductors. Oh, no, I know what you're talking about. You could make it go, you could push your legs together or apart. Yeah. So when I was doing the one way they were coming together, I can still remember this. Ah, coming together. It would take coming together. I would do it for like two seconds.

I was like, I was on that machine. I was like, this is amazing. And it was like the quickest orgasm I ever had. And it was because you were working those pelvic floor muscles. So there's two ways to actually have in, like several ways you can have an accidental orgasm. But that's because I was working,

and at the time I didn't know that it was my pelvic floor muscles or why, but that's one of the reasons. And the other time to can happen is because, hey, you guys, your clitors has 8,000 nerve endings. So if there's friction, right? Like when you're maybe you are doing yoga or you know, you are, it's rubbing against your, you know, you're doing something where your fabric is rubbing against your clitoris. So maybe you're wearing like, you know, underwear, you're biking, or you're running, or there's some kind of just just friction. So I'm surprised I haven't

laughed myself in Dory as long as I feel like I laugh all the time. I know. And then I'm masturbating all the time. So I feel like at one point, I feel like you're right for that. There it would, I'm gonna try. But then would that be, I don't know. I always think about when you laugh during sex, you don't wanna make it seem like you're laughing at the person. Right. If you're laughing during sex. Well yeah, because like, what if I just tried,

like, what if I figured out I could do that? And then I tried to do that to help me further along. When you're talking about the laugh during sex, I'm like, this is not about you. I'm thinking about something else, yeah. You just let them know. Which is that, is that actually something good to say? I'm thinking about something else. Yeah, you just let him know. Which is that? Is that actually something good to say?

I'm thinking about something. No, don't say that. I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at me, maybe it's better. Because if you just start laughing and all of a sex, you know he's going to think you're laughing, my name. But the other thing is, OK, so exercising could be tensing and releasing your pelvic floor muscles.

You could be lifting weight, doing crunches. In fact, you guys, here's a great incentive to do your sit-ups because that's the most common way people have them. Don't do your sit-ups. I know. And then what else does it say? I guess I'm going back to the gym now.

Yeah, see, if you need an incentive. So, but what do you do with your face? Just kind of get that, that o-face down. You got to get that poker o-face. I mean, I don't know. I think I was just like, I'll be more sets here. I'm not getting off. I'm not I don't know. I could do. I think I was just like, I'll give you 10 more sets here. I'm not getting off.

I'm not, I'll be here for a minute. I'm not getting off the machine, but I am getting off. You know, if you're right. Exactly. I'm getting off and not getting off or you're right, Jane. The line just like starts building behind you

and it's like been an hour and Emily's just having 17 work. So she was amazing. I hope you liked it down there. I'm like 25 now I did. It wasn't like, it was, it was fun. And they'd be like, you know, people like, can I work in your set here? If you were. I was like, 25 now I did. It wasn't like, it was fun. And they'd be like, you know, people like, can I work in your set here? If you've been a gym part, like, Lemoob work in your set.

Oh, no, what is that? No, explain that to us. They're like, wait behind you. Yeah, it's annoying. When you're using a popular machine at the gym, like, you know, when you're lifting weights and you go in, people like, you might not be working with you, because you're doing a, you're doing, you're using a machine and you're doing three sets. So you might stop and then you like, you'd stopped for 10 seconds and they're like, you might

if I work and then you got to wait for them to do their set. It's annoying. It's annoying. It's annoying. No. If they're gonna ask you to do all of that, which, you can't really, you can't be like, no, you can be like, actually I'm sick, you might not. Oh, is that what you say?

That's good. It depends how much time I have. Exactly. So can I work in your set and then I would definitely say no. It can also happen when the base gets turned up, riding a roller coaster, using a weed whacker, and even skydiving. A weed whacker.

And please don't be embarrassed, you guys. I mean, with all the nerve endings and the pressure and the friction, like I think it should have more often. I want that to be a goal, like a nipple orgasm. I know. I feel like it will. I want to be walking along the street

and just be like, ah. Right? I'm gonna be walking along the street and just be like, huh? Right? I'm gonna start walking the plan like a lot closer together. You could have a moxie in your pants. Oh, see, you know what? I'm just gonna, idea for the weekend. I am just going to try it out and just bring it to the day party.

I'm going to tomorrow. Dirty. To the dirty, to the danger, the dayage. I've never heard of it. But the day party I'm going to tomorrow. Dirty. To the dirty, to the danger, the dayage. I've never heard of that. But the day party is a dirty. Yeah, so I'm gonna, yeah, you know what, I'm gonna try and knock until any of my friends, and I'm gonna just be randomly on my phone.

I'm gonna think I'm on Instagram and I'm using the week and neck up. It's a candy vibe. She can use an app to control a vibrator. I mean, I guess that's accidental, but it's still a party. Whatever, it's still a party in your pants. It is a party in my pants out and about.

Oh my God, I'm actually really, really excited. I'm really excited. The Moxie is genius. Genius. All right, guys. And so, okay, here's something else that's happening in the world. Choking.

Choking during sex, non-consensual choking is in the world. Choking. Choking during sex, non-consensual choking is on the rise. And so, yes, it's true. It's true that it is. And I gotta say, even watching that new show the other night, which is maybe think of this euphoria, everyone's, say everyone's a Twitter, everyone's buzzing about that, is that,

okay, gotta go back here, my computer, just, okay, so, it's a most popular poor move probably, and a recent study suggests some people are replicating it in real life, and some are doing it without asking their partners if they're in to it first. And then seeing that scene in New For Yeah, which is a new HBO movie, which is a HBO series, which is kind of amazing. And you're like, oh, that happened. But their high school kids, and it turned out the most common age for doing it. They just, it says that this behavior was more common with younger people. 13% of sexually active girls age 14 to seven reported being 13 to 14 to 17 reported being choked without consent and so I'm not saying like some women love consent,

love consent, we all love consent. We love being choked can feel really good because your temper rarely like you have to be doing it right to you guys, you just have to be careful but it feels it's a domination effect. It's like kind of a little bit blocking your ability to breathe but this is where it makes me nervous because you could actually pass out We've seen a lot of stories like that

and So I think the point here is that some women might like it not like it But it definitely is because of because of porn and and then it's like Women the other thing that's disturbing about this is that 20 there was a study that W. Herb indicted and we love her. She's at the Kinsey Institute. She said she did a study, situations with a bunch of people and she found that 24% of

adult women surveyed said they had felt scared at some point in their lives during sex, scared during sex compared to 12% of adolescent women, 10% of adult men, and 3 points out of adolescent. And so I just wanna say this is that when they felt scared during sex, women felt scared because of rape, sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, fear of rape or assault, coercion, pressure to unprotected sex, and then the men who said they had felt scared.

And it was like 15%, said they felt scared if the condom broke. Right, there was one other thing. I don't remember, maybe I heard this in the talk or something. I was like, no, it was a, oh, it was the one the condom broke. And if like they felt like, the woman didn't like them or something. Yeah, like the the woman didn't like them. Yeah, like the partner didn't like them

or that they weren't performing well enough. Like they lost their erection. Yeah, exactly. So men scared, the women are like, I'm gonna get raped in a cell, and men are like, the condom could break and I didn't perform well. And so we have a lot of fear.

I mean, that's a real thing. So I guess I want to say to this is that it's absolutely choking during sex is linked to porn consumption. I am certain about it. And I think that, but the interesting twist on this, which is why I think even if you're a parent of kids or you're listening to this, I think this is huge.

Read it, there's a read it thread that found that men wrote that choking was expected. They felt the partners would judge them negatively or even dump them if they didn't do it. And they thought that girls are all seeking this kind of rough sex. And if the guys felt if they didn't get in the first few sessions, the girl would dump them. What? Yeah. So you just try it out and she says, no, then you'll do it again. Look what's the problem. But this is what they believe. So I'm not speechless. Right. So this is where communication breakdown, I think that like I could see that if it's some maybe only one person needs to tell a young guy this, who hasn't been with that many women. I'll remember that. Like, all girls like joking. Then what else are you going to know? Or you see porn in every porn?

Maybe listen, porn is like your things on Netflix. It probably does say you might also like, right? You've suggested titles. So maybe you watched one choking video and then every single porn you watched, there was choking. So you, all of a sudden, that was the only sex you ever saw. You thought, well, if sex goes down, I must choke. So I think that this is just a really important

point here, because I feel like this keeps coming up. And now that I've got this study, have this conversation removed from your sexual encounter. In fact, ask your partner, if you want to choke them, like, hey, you went to choking, like, why can't you just say that casually at a time? And, you know, and the other thing is, if your partner doesn't enjoy it, if your partner, like, does does enjoy it as if you could simulate it. Like maybe you could be like, I don't like it, well maybe you just wanna put your hands around their throat and that's hot,

but you don't wanna actually squeeze. So find out before you guys, find out and have the conversation. And then if your partner says they want to, why not practice ahead of time? And there was another thing here, a woman dated a man who liked being choked, so she asked them to show me videos of how we wanted it to make sure it understood what it's a smart thing.

That's when we always say, show your partner what you want. And conversely, if you're partner, if you're not getting what you want from your partner and you've been like, I've asked them to initiate, I've asked them to go down to me, collect some data, pull some clips from my podcast where I describe it. A lot of couples listen to this show together. Like, find resources, find books, find movies that demonstrate what you want. How about your partner? So is this a way that you can use porn to your advantage? Yes.

In like these small instances. This is where porn works. I think it works for couples to demonstrate what they like. I just don't like it as a learning tool and as an ongoing substitution for real sex, because eventually what happens is for a lot of men and women, but they keep raising the bar so they're like, well, yesterday it was choking and now it's like, you know, something way more extreme. And they keep upping the bar on the porn they have to watch that make because they won't

get to, it's like your threshold gets higher. So you have to keep raising the threshold of what's really kinky to you. But then what happens for these people who watch porn that they have to keep, like, you know, it's like extreme, like you, it's like drugs. Like you do a drug, you smoke cigarettes, you smoke one or two,

and then eventually you're smoking a pack because to get the same high, you gotta keep going. It's like kind of like that with drugs. Porn essentially is a drug like that. And then what happens is when you keep raising the bar of what you, you're high, you gotta keep going. It's like kind of like that with drugs. Porn essentially is a drug like that. And then what happens is when you keep raising the bar of what you, you know, the threshold, then having sex with a human that you know that might just be regular, normal sex

isn't as interesting to you. So that's when it becomes a problem when you can't actually even get it out or get turned on by your partner or any future partners. I mean, I just, especially if you're someone that's having casual sex, how terrifying would it be to have someone just randomly grab your throat? You're like, I don't even really know you.

Yeah. I feel like that happens all the time though. I mean, for me, all guys always choke me. They do not ask. I mean, they're not pressing hard still that I can't breathe, but sometimes I've had to pull their hand back of it because it was too much But they've never asked me wow, but you said okay, but how do you feel about it? I kind of like it but if I had a bad experience where somebody was too rough

I probably wouldn't like it so it's like scary I just so happens that like these guys have not been rough with me But one time it's like immediately too hard. I'm gonna be like, oh, I hate this now, probably. Right, or you could just show, right? No, it's true. I mean, it's like I'm not saying like, I think that's happened to, I'm sure that has happened to be where guys like, but at first he says,

can, but guys I've been with, I've said, can I choke you or like, is that do you find that hot? Or like if I like in the room? Yeah, same. I've had, I've had more people lately ask if I'm into that. So I think even, it's just coming up still, like even if they're not doing it, which I think God, but they're still asking about it.

Exactly. And I mean, like, yeah, I'm with you. I don't mind like a little light pressure in a sense or more just like a firm holding, but I, and I do like rougher sex, but not in that way. Like I want a brief, because I like breathing deeply, because I like orgasm better. So I feel like they need to use the words. But it's nice that

they're just I feel like they're putting it there lightly to like test you. But I'd much prefer to be asked like you're telling me to do only. Yeah, I mean, and maybe you could they could put it there and then maybe a way if you want it, you could put your hand over it and then show them that it's that you would be into it. And if not you move their hand away but like you could still get your needs met but just test the waters. Alright guys we're gonna take a quick break and we come back we're gonna get into your questions. We have Sam who's 55 in Maryland he says the girl he's seeing is not too good at sex. Oh, Sam. Hi there. Hi, Sam. Hi, how are you? I'm so good. Tell me everything. Like, what do you mean?

When did you find out? Well, I'm in Maryland. She's in London and I met her online and I went to seer in April and you know I was very much a gentleman and was over there for pleasure in business and knew I was going to come back in June. So you know we planned to spend some time and actually a hotel in a nice area. Okay, great. I stacked there every day for five months. We had a nice online relationship. She's a very, very sweet nice person. 49 pet not have relationships. So you skyped her.

Let me just real quickly Sam. So you met her and nothing happened. Just a connection. And then you skyped for five months. Right. Okay, got it. I'm just catching up. And then you skyped for five months. Right, you said. Okay, got it. I'm just catching up. And then you saw her recently.

Got it, okay? Probably, yeah, probably the nicest person I've ever met at a nice connection. Got it? More religious than me. You know, she goes to church every day. So anyway, the moment comes and I, you know, I mean, I've had sex with people in my life.

I'm divorced and all that. And it was, as if we were both 15 and didn't know what to do. I swear to God, I mean, I know what to do, but she was absolutely horrible. And I just said to myself, this is a deal breaker. I cannot deal with this. I mean, and it was like, you know, like you're the munderhole life or something.

I just felt terrible and I told her, you know, an hour ago, I said, look, I just can't do this. I mean, I don't feel anything between us. It's a different friend and Then what happened? She didn't know what to do right is like It was like no pushback on anything any position. She didn't know what to do And I felt like well at my age, you know should I really have to teach Somebody all this I mean she's a sweet nice girl. No, we're saying, okay, let me stop here.

Let me stop here, Sam. I get the whole thing. So you better want, here's, there's a lot of things here. You better want to have a connection. You didn't have sex. And then you spent five months, skyping, which is time you're never going to get those hours back, by the way. I'm not meeting her in this build up that she's going to be

amazing and there's going to be connection and all that stuff. And then you have sex, you're like, it was not what I expected, which I get it. But also, it was one time you're with her. Now, you can't guarantee that like, first, never the first day. I was with her five days. And around and it was all bad. Okay, well, what is that?

Yeah, I got it. So she probably, you said she's, she's come from a very religious background. Here's the thing, just because someone's at a certain age or even if someone is slept with so many people Unfortunately, they're not indicators of them being great in bed So if she's got hang up around sex. She's had some trauma around sex She could make it very easily make it to 49 without becoming without knowing her own body and without feeling comfortable in bed Which is why I have a job here because we're helping those people.

So I'm sure she probably took, it's hard for her to hear. So is your question just, do you have a question or you're like, did you do the right thing? Well, yeah, did I do the right thing? I mean, I just told her, I didn't tell her she was horrible and dead. I told her, I said, you know, I just don't think, I said, I just don't think we're compatible. Right. And all the departments, I mean, she was very much a covering, smothering kind of person. I'm very autonomous with my time and all that.

And so I felt a lot of pressure from that as well. And I think I partially did the long distance thing. But you had the bad text on top of it. I just felt incredibly guilty because she's an incredible person. Well, you shouldn't feel guilty, Sam. You taught me a matter of wanting to use Skype for six months. So I don't think you should feel guilty. I think that you're 55 years old. You've put in the time and the hour is learning about sex, learning about your body, how to communicate. And you know what you like at

this point. So I think it's nice that you let her know right away. Listen, this thank you, Sam, for the call. The sooner that we know that we're not into someone, of course, we feel bad if you're a good person like Sam and he's meeting another nice woman, we're always we're not going to. Of course, we feel bad if you're a good person like Sam and he's meeting another nice woman. We're always, we're not going to feel great. It's never easy to let the person down, but at least you did and you didn't stringer on stringer along any longer.

And you didn't say you're bad and bad. You just said, I didn't feel a connection. Let her, you know, you're not responsible for her emotions, but you can treat her very well. You could do it in a kind way. And then you can hopefully not stringer long and let it be done. Yeah, well, what are your thoughts, though, on the whole

Skyping for every day? No, you know that I am so anti like I listen, guys, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, listen, this happens all the time. You guys, we build up something like, in fact, people have called in and been like, told me all about a relationship. Now I've learned to spot it after this many months, but I'm like, back up, have you met yet in this year that you're, you know, because sometimes I'm hearing things like, oh, well, we've just been skyping or FaceTiming.

I'm like, that is not a relationship. You have to meet somebody. If you meet someone and you find them interesting, you can't wait six months to you seem again. You can't wait three months to you seem again. You will never get that time back. You will just be on phone. It's true and you can,

maybe they're great conversationalists, but it's not until you get in the room with someone and you're naked or you're making out, that you actually know if there's gonna be on phone. It's sure, you can maybe they're great conversationless, but it's not until you get in the room with someone and you're naked or you're making out, you actually know if there's gonna be a connection, that's the other piece of the puzzle. And it's just not gonna get, you're not gonna know until like why he spent all this time, because then the more time you're spending

just talking and not meeting, you're gonna have more time to like fall in full love with this person you don't really know yet. And then you're gonna be, boom, find out in one second it doesn't work and you like I said you can't get that time back so meet sooner than later. And also even this goes for the dating apps. Don't be texting with someone you meet on dating app for three weeks. I say three days and then meet with them or move on.

It's a waste time. You don't need someone else to text and to connect with you. You don't actually know. I feel like people like the texting though. They do. Because I've had a few people that I'm like texting with and I'm trying to be like, well, yeah, let's go do this or let's make a plan and they just keep texting me but then they get mad that I'm like at work during the day

and not texting back. Right. I'm like, I'm busy. And I'll tell them, sorry, I'm really bad at texting during the day because I have a busy job. And then I'm like, I'm busy. And I'll tell them, I'm really bad at texting during the day because I have a busy job. And then I'm like, but you're also not trying to hang out with me, so I don't understand. I told someone once, I'm like, I don't need a texting buddy.

I don't even like texting in general. With my friends, it's just memes and meeting up. Yeah. Right. Here's a meme in like, when am I gonna see you exactly? So then you're like, yeah, let's meet up. I think that's okay, you and I think that people appreciate it Maybe the more that people spoke up and said can we just make a plan already?

Mm-hmm. You know, but you know, then you'll weed out those people and if they don't answer even to that Then you move on you block them you unmatched with them because there are some people who I think we there are many people We here are just on the apps for like that serotonin rush or that dopamine. Hey like oh someone match with me and it's just like they're playing a game on their phone. But those aren't for the people you want to spend time with. What are like other ways that people can kind of get that ego boost without doing that. Oh God. I mean, ego boost like on a dating app or like in life. Because I feel like that's what people do.

They're like I just want to know that people are in to me. Wow, and to public and start talking to people. I'm telling you I get just as much satisfaction, walking into a party, or going somewhere where I don't know anybody, and I connect with men and women, and I have a great night, maybe because I'm not as focused on like, I need to find a man to complete me, which I've never been, but it's very,

the more, the big best way to fill that up is authentic conversations in public with humans. Like, anyone could be a witty texture, because you've, you've, you, the art of texting. You've been done doing it a lot, but how are you in person? I'd like to know that and it's so much more satisfying because you're getting the whole entire visceral experience of being with the human. And when I leave a party or a dinner when I've met new people, I'm high. Like I am so it is such a great feeling to be new people and have

great connections. And when you're shining am so, it is such a great feeling to be new people and have great connections. And when you're shining from that, because that's a real thing, that's when you're going to be attracting in the right people that you actually want to be with. And that's some faux person you're texting with. You really are though. When you come into the office after you've been on an interview on somewhere else, or you had a really good lunch with a friend you haven't seen, you're like whole demeanor is different. You're just glowing and you're like excited and psyched for the rest of the day. Yeah, humans, I love the humans.

The human connection. I love humans. I love my people. I love good conversation and people excited me. You know, and again, that might not be for everybody, but I believe if you're just home taxing and you think that's a real hit on your psyche, that feels really good, try the real thing.

We have Brenda, who's 47 in Pennsylvania, and how can she have more sex with her husband? Hey Brenda, tell me what's going on. Hey, thanks for calling. Hi, thanks for time listeners. Welcome to the show. Yeah, I'm actually, thanks, my name's Linda, actually. Okay, okay, thanks. First time listeners. Oh, welcome to the show. Yeah, I'm actually, thanks. My name's Linda, actually.

Okay, okay, Linda. Okay. Thanks. I'll just give you a brief history. When I was single, I always felt very sexual and I felt, you know, good about myself and my sexuality. And then I got married and, and my husband wasn't an overly sexual person and it was different from the previous relationship that I had been in.

So I think because of that we kind of got out of the, got out of the habit, so to speak, because he's never overly sexual to the gimlet. And then I get two children, vaginal birth. So I feel a little different down there. And I think if you put all of it together, it's like we have an add sex in a very long time, and it's almost to the point now where it feels a little awkward. Because it's been so long. Yeah. And you know, he's never been overly sexual. Right.

And the other part of it is he's always premature, ejaculated. OK. Well, OK. Yeah. I haven't yet been arguing with him in the years. OK. And so there's kind of a lot to unpack.

Welcome to the show. I mean, this is what we talk about every night, Linda. I'm just trying to's kind of a lot to unpack. Welcome to the show. I mean, this is what we talk about every night, Linda. I'm just trying, there's a lot to unpack here. So, so you've been together how long? See, married in 2007, but then about what, 10 years? Yeah, something like that.

And you have, you have two kids. Okay, so, so here's the thing. Have you guys, first of all, have you talked to them about it? Have you ever said, I'd like to kind of figure out what's going on with our sex life? I've brought it up in the past, but it's been a long time since I've brought it up again. Right. Okay. So one of my things here is I talk on the maintenance of the show as I always say communication

is a lubrication and the more We have to get comfortable talking to our partners about sex and just so you know Linda You're not alone most people are not which is you know why I am here every night because it's just like or we think we have Well, I did it once like you just said this is all very common and then you think like oh I brought up a few years ago And then there's so much time has passed but you, you still want to be with your husband, right? I mean, I'm not hearing like, you're not at the end of your, you still love him and want to make this work, right? I still love him. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. So I know you keep saying he's not very sexual and he's a premature ejaculator, which don't go well hand in hand.

Like he probably is like, I'm not sexual because I'm a premature ejaculator. Perhaps. Exactly. Yeah. No, I know. I dated a premature ejaculator for two years in my early 30s and I'm, yeah, it's tricky because you're just like, it's just you get used to it and they say they're going to do something about it and they don't.

He bought the books. He did the thing and he didn't actually follow through. So because solving or curing premature ejaculation takes work and a lot of times it is a mental thing, it's not physical. But you have to unlearn what you've already learned about sex and you've got to practice edging and all these things. But really, it sounds to me like what might be really great for you guys is a sex therapist in your area.

Now, hear me out for a second. It's because I feel like there are so many components here and you guys have never really connected sexually since the beginning. You haven't had a lot of orgasms because I can, and I think they could help you around this language figure out like they could help him with his PE, because he's got to do some masturbation, some stop-start method

and you have to figure out how you can feel sexual again. Like, are you still masturbating or pleasing yourself? I do, yeah, when he's, we've found... Okay, so because I feel like, I mean, I feel like there could be a lot of things going on. You said, you've a giant and never felt the same after a childbirth. That's the same for a lot of things going on. You said, you're vagina never felt the same as a childbirth. That's the same for a lot of women, right? Like urinary continents or there's pain or the orgasms are different. And there's a lot that you could do now for that. So I'm assuming that's what you mean, correct?

Like it just, do you, like, sneeze and pee? Yeah, I do have, I speak pretty active. Like my body is probably in better condition than it was pre-kid. I see active that way, but yeah, I definitely noticed plus, you know, his penis is not the largest either. I wouldn't call it small, it's probably average, but I think because of my vaginal changes after childbirth, that's also affecting, you know, like being able to feel down there.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So there's like less sensation. I think, and do you guys like use lubricant? Do you guys warm up? Do you bring a vibrator into the bedroom? I got to be careful with the lubricant because we put too much, and then it too much, then I don't feel a thing.

You know, so you can use like a tiny amount, but yeah. Okay, so you can't even feel it. Well, what about like, I mean, I'm sure that he wants to please you as well. So I would think, I mean, also like, did you, I guess you wouldn't have had orgasms with him because if he's a premature ejaculator, does he go down on you or do orgasms from his mouth or his hands?

No, he we haven't done that in years. And to be honest, I mean, that wasn't always my favorite anyway. I mean, yeah, I liked it, but it wasn't. I liked the actual sex more, you know, prior to him. Right. And that's how I had my orgasms. I've never really had an oral orgasm. Okay. So, so, so for 11 years and so before you married him, he was premature ejaculating. So for 11 years and so before you married him, he was premature ejaculating. Yeah. Okay, and he's your age, 47?

About? He's like a couple of years old. Okay, I mean, the thing is like, I feel like have you guys ever had any kind of therapy? We started to, I wanna say when we were wanting to try to have kids, but we only went like one second. Okay. Well, I mean, Brenda, here's the thing.

I feel like there's a part of you that's like checked out. Like I feel like you're like, I don't know, it's been so long. And I feel like you have kids, you're in this relationship and that therapy is going to be whether it's sex therapy or marriage and family counselor that that to bridge this gap right now there's probably a lot of other things that have been going on that you guys need like a third you know a therapist that you're going to commit to once a week for at least three months and it's going to it's going to catapult your relationship to the next level either you're going to find out

that you're going to make it you can make it work and you're going to learn new communication tools or you're going to learn that you can't. But I feel like if you keep saying it's been a long time and the premature, I feel like that that's going to be your best bet. If you, especially if you haven't done it, and then find, but Brenda, Linda, find someone who's really good, like, people sometimes are like, oh, it's, it's kind of like dating. I would say, get a recommendation from a friend or meet two or three and just find a good person because

I just feel like there's a lot here. That would help you guys figure out what you're going to do because there could be some resentments, there could be a lot of stuff that's happened. So I think that's going to be your best. Linda, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Good luck to you. Let me know. It goes.

It's tough you guys because here's the thing. I could go into each one of those, right? Pre-mature ejaculation. I mean, it's a practice. You gotta, you know, you gotta do the step-start method. You gotta like learn your ejacatory control. So you no longer come too quickly, but it takes, it could take months

he's got to do his keglexer sizes like I could treat him he has to do his kegels he has to you know practice breathing during sex he could take promessant which is the like quickly absorbing delay spray that helps you last longer in bed that's what promessant is and be sprayed on 20 minutes before sex could have told you this as well Linda, that's a quick fix. Promesson that lasts makes sex last longer, men who use it last like 70% longer a bed. But there's also the fact that it's a little bit smaller, she's having the bads away. So then I'm like, okay, well, she could go sit on the keggele chair, she could go to the PTL and Stella, she could sit and share and get her pelvic floor stronger again

She doesn't like oral. She doesn't like oral. Usually that's one of your best of tips is you you come first You finish first you have him go down on you, but if she's not if she's Yeah, so that I would also say that she could get a toy she get like the grave by we vibe Which is a great like I call the G-Spot GPS. But I just feel like their communication, she sounds like she has one foot out and it's been so long that therapy is like, you know, it's the best bet.

And if you guys are sitting there shaking your head or I'll never go to therapy, I believe that Natalie does every human need therapy, but I believe that every couple needs it. At some point in your life, you're gonna need it. And why don't you wait till you're not in a crisis? That's what I say. All right, we have Richard who's 39 in Illinois.

It says, trying to get my boyfriend to be more voyeuristic slash adventurous. Hey, Richard. Tell me what's going on. Hey. Hey. Hey, what's going on, lady? How you doing, Richard? I am doing great this afternoon.

How are you? I'm good. Thank you. Good. Good. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. I want to help you spice it up. So tell me what's going on.

Oh, man. So this is a rough one. So Alex and I have been dating for a whole good six, seven months or so. And we're really into each other. And things are seem to be going very well. But I'm a lot more experienced than he is.

It's been very hard to get him to open up and to be receptive to some of the ideas and the things that I have that I would like to perform with him and do. So I don't know. He's actually here with me oh and we were we were driving down the road oh I love it Richard we might call in and this is perfect this is like my dream you guys I love it so Alex it's okay hey Alex hey hey Alex oh my god this is amazing okay I love that your both on the points are how old are you Alex? I'm 26. Okay

Got it. So I would say here what's going on is that that you probably don't have as much experience figuring out what you want bad and what feels good to you. So it would be hard to just jump on board with what Richard's Desiring is that true? Yeah, I mean, I guess you could say that. I mean, I'm open, but I just want to ease kind of like closer into those things. It just is just kind of in a weird spot. Got it. How long have you guys been together? And I try not to put it in the weird spot just so you know, how long have you guys been together?

Thank you, Rich. I appreciate that. How long have you guys been together? Thank you Rich. I appreciate that how long have you guys been together? What that six six six months or so? Seven months. Yeah, we don't really keep a date. We I mean we've just This taking things pretty casual and just been hanging out. Okay. Well, so tell me some of the things Richard for example that you're craving sexually in this relationship Well, so I really like to be voyeuristic and so we live in downtown Chicago and I've got a eight-floor balcony and I like to be out on that balcony and kind of showcase down to you know

where folks you know if they wanted to look up or cross the building that they could see us. Oh, okay. Maybe provide them some pleasure by seeing something that they might enjoy. That's something that I really enjoy is being seen a lot. God, Alex, how does that feel to you like any part of that? Is that something you could see happening in the future perhaps? Yeah, I mean, I enjoy like seeing like, I guess the the vision of that and like being open and like with people like I guess hearing and seeing us but like it just

It just is kind of I mean, I'm open, I guess. Right, but that's a lot. In Chicago, what if your family's walking by, what if something happens? Like, you don't know, it's like your town, so I get that. So maybe you guys, I mean, what I always suggest is that couples kind of work these things out like through dirty talking and being like right now

and picturing you and more on the, were on the, have you done that yet? Well, we're actually parked over to a truck stop right now off the side of the truck. Well, that would be good. Oh my God, I think you gotta do it? Well, we're actually parked over to truck stop right now off the side of the engine. Well, that would be good. Oh my God, I think you gotta do it. Yeah. I was kind of hoping

that Mike could give me a hand job while we were, you know, great places to start. We could touch each other a little bit. Yeah, why not? And that's the same, that's the same kind of thing. You could get caught. It's not like all your neighbors are looking. So would you be open to that Alex?

Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely open. It's just, yeah, I mean, I'm in. I don't know why I shouldn't, I should have asked you first Alex because like, here's the thing. What's keeping you Alex? I don't want to push it. Tell me what part of it. Maybe if you don't, and that's okay too. So I mean, it just well, I guess I'll just tell you like Yeah, it's just there. He's definitely much more enthusiastic and I I guess we'll larger Downstairs and I'm not really that and that's where we've kind of had to overcome something. Okay. It's just it's just very intimidating. So it's painful. Is it painful? Are you just not sure what to do? Like if he wants you to give me a

hand job right now. And no, it's not painful. It's just like it's just intimidating when he you know takes his pants off and I kind of compare myself, it just is very different. Huh. You don't feel okay, so Richard, what do you think about that? Like you can... Well, I love his little package. I think it's terrific and really it's not about the size as much as it is the openness to be able to enjoy each

other and just let our pants down and our tops off and just go at it like it's nobody's business and we don't care who's watching. Yeah. Now I see that. So, interesting, Alex, that was really brave that you could go there because I have to say, maybe that's when you're underlying, you know, maybe something happened to when you were younger or you've always felt like that's your deficit. Like how could anyone want me because I feel like I have a smaller penis?

And then to see his is bringing... No, no, no, it's not. I mean, it's almost a mouthful. So it's very not... Right. Okay, I'm not asking you, though, for a second because Alex is the one who, he might want to do all these things with you and he doesn't know what's holding him back. So I'm just saying to Alex, do you think that's that there may be every time it comes out of every section thinking,

oh no, I'm somehow my my penis is inferior. Yeah, I mean, kind of, but and I don't know, I guess your advice to like in our relationship would be okay to like bring in like toys or something. That would make it. Yes. I feel like that would make me feel better and there would be like, I mean, I could get something that's big, but I mean, is that something that you would suggest? Yeah, I love a huge fan of toys. What kind of toy were you thinking bigger for you for what kind of sex for penetration?

For vibration? Yeah. for what kind of sex for penetration, for vibration. That's right. Yeah. I guess, I mean like bead style stuff. Oh yeah, anal beads, butt plugs. We just came back from a butt plug convention. I mean, it wasn't really, but there was a lot of butt plugs

and anal beads. We love B vibe with the B. Yeah, I mean, why don't you guys play around that too? That would, listen, I feel like, I feel like you guys have been together for six months. It sounds like you will really want to make it work. And what I'm hearing here is that you both like each other and you want to put some effort into this.

And so like I always say communication is a lubrication. I'm so glad you guys are talking about this right now. But I feel like Richard, there's got to be a little bit of slowing down and like Figuring out what Alex needs to feel safe with you and to feel like he can be get his needs met And then maybe once he feels that's happening he'll be able to kind of come around to what you want, you know It's just so hard for me to hold back. I mean he's such a sexy man, and I love it. I just back. I mean, he's such a sexy man and I love to, I just, you know, the urge hits me and I just, I have to, I just, I have to do it. And I want to just do what, though, I have

the sex. You can still have sex with him. Do what you mean like ravish him? Oh, yes, absolutely. I'm very dominant in nature and very aggressive. And so, you know, it's, and I don't do that in a demeaning way to him at all, but it's more of what we can just make sure that, you know, what I want to know what pleases Alex. Yeah, Alex, do you know what you're craving in the bedroom that's not happening right now? What's your craving in the bedroom that's not happening right now? I guess just like a soft punch that

exactly. You need to be warmed up. You need some foreplay. You need to be softly handled. Okay. I get it. I do. I do. That's I feel it. I feel you. That's how a lot of us feel. So it sounds like Richard. What Alex is saying is that he needs a little bit of warm up time, a little bit kissing, a little bit of making him feel accepted and loved and worshipped and like even though you know he's got some things about his penis doesn't feel so great about it so whatever you could do to make him feel it also that's just how we get warmed up sometimes. So it sounds like Richard you're really like aggressive and you want it and you're dominant but he's just not there yet. Maybe you could just learn to slow it down. Okay good this was great.

But maybe you could just learn to slow it down. Okay, good. This was great. Yeah. Feel like we've learned a lot here. He's a beautiful man. I guess. I know. I do.

I feel like, no, but I think he wants. Thank you for calling you guys. This was amazing. See when couples call in, magic can happen. I just need to richer to listen more to what Alex is saying, because he's already saying that he's doing it. He's yes, budding to do here. I had to hang up because Richard's like, but I do tell him that he's so beautiful.

No, he's asking you to slow down, make out with him, touch him slowly. Don't go right for his penis or his anus and make him feel special and make him feel adored and make him feel cherished. And he's like, I do that. I'm using it with words. So gotta pay attention to each other.

Also, couples calling in, I love this idea. We've talked about this. When you call in, we can really help you guys together. Okay, guys, thanks for listening, for sharing this show, for letting us know how you feel about it, what you want, sending your questions. I love you all.

And thanks to amazing team Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithamlee.com