Sex With Emily - Surviving & Sexy: Bouncing Back After Breast Cancer

Episode Date: January 4, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by Allison K – a fan and friend of the show – to talk about how to get your sex life back after having breast cancer.They discuss what it’s like to go through breast cancer – from diagnosis to treatment, things to ask and information to get from your doctors (because they don’t always tell you everything), and how to get back into your body and back into a pleasurable sex life. Plus, how to be supportive friends, family, and partners.  Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What advice would you give to other women going through this? So the cat, what did your partner do you think that we could like learn from? Like what was it? I hope that there is an open conversation between the man, the woman or two women or one of like systems and open conversation that, hey, I'm about to go through this. I don't know what it's going to entail. There might be loss of confidence. I might lose my libido.

You know, there might be pain during penetration, whatever. You reduce signs of the vagina. I read that and I was like, what do you mean it's kind of, I'm going to have it reduce, what? Right, right. Don't happen anyway at this time in our 40s. It does start to outrophy for anyone. It definitely does. But you don't, but I think for me, I had never googled that. Right. I was, so knowing when all the traits were from menopause, I thought, oh, okay, but some of this is,

I'm already, I was gonna have this happen during menopause. It's now just gonna be quicker. I think having two partners really discuss physical changes and then what psychological changes I'm gonna be vulnerable. I may not wanna get naked for a while. For me, I wanted to wear a little acute tank top. I didn't wanna get completely naked for a while. For me, I wanted to wear a little acute paint out. I didn't want to get completely naked for a while.

And then being, I think, open both of them, both partners to how is it going to change and evolve? And that you know what? You may not have to always have an orgasm. That may not be the, you may just need to enjoy one another company and intimacy and that might be okay. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Bacter Emily and on today's show, I'm joined by Allison Kay to talk about how to get your sex life back after having breast cancer.

Topics include what it's like to go through breast cancer from diagnosis to treatment. Things to ask and information to get from your doctors because hey, they don't always tell you everything. How to be supportive friends, family and partners, as well as where to go to find support elsewhere and ways to get back into your body and back into a pleasurable sex life. All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized, they call them in a bag on day. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com you're going to love with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com, you're going to love our site. You're also going to like to find a sense social media wherever you are on. It's Sex with Emily across the board. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, all the places. Our guys, I hope you enjoy this very special show. Allison is a financial advisor, and she's been a fan of the show. We met at the What Conference in the Bay Area a few months ago and she truly has an amazing story. A breast cancer survivor got her mojo back in life and in the bedroom and I'm really grateful for her to tell her

story and be able to share with you some insight from someone who has been through this. So Allison, thank you so much for joining me. Emily, I, the thanks to you, I think, as I said, you have been instrumental in helping be sure that you're back physically. So I'm a big thanks to you. Yes, of course. I mean, it was so wonderful to meet you and your letter. I've been carrying it.

I carry it in my journal with me every day, because it really made me feel good as well that this show was really able to help you get through it. So can you just start by telling, tell me your story about, you know, everything. Yeah. Thank you. Sure. And I will tell you what I met you. I have my ovaries out two days prior. So at that conference, I, you know, it's maybe a little bit.

But I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer when I was 45 and had often, to that point, been very healthy and enjoyed a very active physical life, a lot of exercise and a very successful test life. I know this is what the call was about, but really had never had any physical issues in my life. Nor had my family know no, fifth-treat cancer. I went diagnosed with a routine screen with breast cancer, and it was stage 2, and it was in my lymph node.

And you know, it's frightening at first when you hear that you have cancer. And yet, say, you wrap your head around, OK, life is never going to be the same for me. But there's so many different varying degrees of a breast cancer diagnosis and really any cancer diagnosis. I think after the initial shock

over the following 48 hours, I came to understand I had the type of breast cancer that is very common, 80% of the breast cancers are the kind that I had, and it was very treatable and it was going to have a pretty good survival rate. So I then had that kind of shift and focus on, okay, what's the price that it looks for me during treatment and what's it going to look like after.

And at the point was learning that I had had it also in some lip notes and my treatment was going to interior a bilateral mastectomy and four rounds of chemo and six weeks of radiation. Wow. All of that maybe within a 12 months period and then I would likely be on a five-year estrogen blocker drug. Okay. So you set a tablet. What do I have to have a tackle it. What do I have to do to survive? And then you kind of, okay, I'm going to lose my hair. I'm going to lose my breath.

That's okay, so I'm still going to lose and be a viable kind of active. For me, it's important to be very active. So you're just wrapping your head around what's it going to look like in the new version of me. Well, Elsa, I'm so wrapping my head about. So you were 45. And so how many years ago was that? That was three years ago.

Okay. So I want to understand this. So Alison, you just went for your yearly mammogram? Yes. So you had gotten one every year since you're 40. But I think that's when they tell us to start getting them right. 40. I have very dense breasts.

And so it's 35. My OBGYN says just going for a screen of baseline at 35 and so when I started going back in at 40 they knew okay I already had you know pretty dense breasts and so I have had three or four false positives where they said oh you need to come back and have a second screen and every time I had done that it had come back down I don't know you're fine but thanks to come back and have a second screen. And every time I had done that, it had come back. No, no, no, you're fine, but thanks for coming in. We wanted a second screen. So honestly, at 45 when I had my mammogram,

it's, you know, nobody said anything. I came back for the second screen two weeks ago, and it was at that second, you know, more complex screen that they said, where did I want to do a biopsy and I thought, well, you know, I have done for nothing and waking my time. And they said, you know, why don't you come back to the days in two days, we'll have different thoughts

and I thought, wait a minute. So I went to the diagnosis, which I didn't know I was gonna do diagnosis, found myself not with family or friends, just thinking, you know. And we're gonna dependant women. We're like, we're not gonna bring people into this. But we're going back to the dense breast thing,

because I've heard this lately a lot that a lot of women, I was actually told in my last mammogram that I've dense breasts. And she said, well, next year come in and get, what kind is it with the dense breasts? It's like a 3D screen. It can be a 3D screen that they can do for you. OK, so you went.

So now I'm like, shoot, I should go back earlier. Anyway, so I think it's more common to now. So you went in and then you came in and they said, OK, we got to move this quickly. Well, they just said, something doesn't look right. We're going to make the test available for you in two days. And I just said, well, great. Have my OBGYN calling.

And she said, no, I think you're going to want to come in who was at that point getting the body up to you that I thought, well, what's that? Do you see something that I should be aware of? And of course, the technician, I'm very thankful. I think I have really great medical care here in San Francisco be technician. They can't say anything. So you have to go back in a couple of days I think I have really great medical care here in San Francisco, the technician, you know, they can't say anything.

So you have to go back in a couple of days when there's actually been the full diagnosis of your exam. Okay. So then you went back here. Yeah. It was scary. It was scary. At that one point, I thought, no, come on, you just raised it my time.

Right. Exactly. Of course, because you're healthy and you never you never had no one in your family as it. There's no history. So then you go in and then what's the first step then of the process? Like did you get the mastectomy? And then how does it work?

So for me, in walking in, this hospital that I did has a great breast care center. And I know at first when I'm sitting down, they introduce, here is someone who's the hospital facilitator for breast health, and here's the technician. And at that point before they even said anything, just the introduction, I thought, I have cancer. Because why else would there be two people here?

So you sit down and I have done research most of my career in finance. So I do take things from a more maybe analytical view and statistically, okay, you know, give me the facts. What kind of is it? I will tell you at that point, I knew very little about breast cancer, very little. And didn't know the very degrees and you hear about stage zero, stage one, stage two, and all I knew was stage four is bad.

Yeah, I think that's what most of us know, right? I knew nothing. And so at that 30 minute meeting, you know, I just, at first I didn't know what happened the first couple of minutes, because you're somewhat numb, and I didn't cry, but just kind of the, as they search her in, we started asking questions. What's the survival rate? What is the diagnosis, what is the treatment? And they say, well, here's what you're going to do. You're going to meet with a breast surgeon.

You're going to meet with an oncologist, this hospital that I am associated with. They put together a team team and these people kind of work with you, the radiologist, oncologist, resturgeon. And you, here's a handful of people that you can go and you can have two opinions on which type of doctors that you want. Okay. So, that's kind of, I took all that and still then went back after I left that meeting, cried, and cried, and cried in the back and right there, which I'm certain most women. I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah, this is having my best friend, very similar. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then I kind of literally sat on Google for probably 10, 15 minutes, found out the kind that I had and was like, wait a minute. This is 80% of the kind of breast cancers that our diagnosis are this type, the one that I was diagnosed. Survival rates are pretty good, you know, in terms of it could be, it's for me, anywhere from 85% to 92%, 99%.

Right? Right. Because at that point, you didn't know how many lymph nodes and how big. So for me, I used that as, okay, I can get through this. This is fine. My, I'm going to look, I'm not going to do that. But I think it's then, am I going to lose my hair? Do I have to have am I going to lose my hair? Do I have to have breasts removed? Kind of all the treatments. And that's what happens next is two weeks, three weeks of meeting with doctors and more doctors and getting second opinions and trying to come to a plan of, okay, what's the plan of attack? What am I going to do and what order? And for me and the type of breast cancer that I had and where it was, I was able to have

a nipple sparing mastectomy, which means that basically, and I'm not a doctor, normally I can't or expert by any means, but I found the breast surgeon that is able to basically cut underneath the breast, right, where your bra lines would hit. Right. And lift up the skin, if you can imagine, cut out all the breast tissue. Wow. Okay.

And then you can then plant them and take out the portions under both under arms and hopefully they collected all the breast tissue that would have any remaining cancer associated. So after that, then you recover for six weeks, I was then given four rounds of chemotherapy and then a few weeks after chemotherapy, I would then have exactly six weeks of radiation. Wow. Chemo and then radiation. Okay.

So how is that now? But I think some people, you know, depending on the diagnosis, can just have a month back to me, which is just a small portion of a breast tissue removed. Some people are not able to have a nipple staring at the second. So really, if you look at me making today, I look very similar. Okay. I look very similar to what I look like naked, you know, prior. So the breasts, so they do the surgery first and then you self-to-go through chemotherapy, even though they're removing all the cancers tissues. Collette, and I say that for me, my diagnosis is because it had already spread to the lymph nodes,

and because it might be somewhere else in my body, right? If it was, and I was really right at stage two and there's stage two A and stage two B other kind of a bit. But it's I've had friends and people that I've met now that are stage zero were stage one where they just had a long back to me and maybe radiation because it's confined to that one local area. Right. That's what I find as well. So okay so talk to me now. Are you in a relationship? What's your light like? Are you seeing someone? Are you married? Are you married? I will divorce. Okay. I will tell you having this, and I hope he doesn't listen to this, but I would say going through this process, it very much affirms that I was very happy that I had divorced. I start to say, but it's really, really evaluate your life with something like this.

And like, okay, are you really surrounding yourself with the people who you want to be around? And I had faithfully a lot of support, family and friends. Okay. We're unbelievable. And I think we have a partner, a romantic partner. And not planning on getting married, but just a dangerous boyfriend, but he's not standard because I think he was able to really, truly look at me as a woman, a viable woman and help me along my way, along the journey.

And not everyone feels sad for me, feel like, you know, either the cancer or patient. Right. And, you know, and so it's from that standpoint, he was like, I'm here for you, but that's sad Emily. We weren't so involved with one another that we were gonna get married, right? So it was a boy crime.

Right, God, and your sex life up until then was, how was your sex life So it was a boy crime. Right. God, and your sex life up until then was, how was your sex life? Amazing. So you've always like have great sex, communication, all that stuff. I'm orgasm. Yes, I think I'm quite, quite fortunate. And you would know all the statistics of this about how frequently women are actually able to have an organism. But my mom was, you know, a glorious sign of fan. And when I grew up, it was, we always talked about sex. It was

something very healthy. She had cognizant around. And like the joy of sex. So it was very like sex is something natural. It's something you do. We're not from a religious family. It was, yes, you need to respect your body and ensure that others respect your body. So there was a good boundary within it. I would have been out, you know, pouring around, but there was a very much. You understood your pleasure in your body. You had the double mastectomy and then you had chemo.

How were you still staying intimate with this partner who sounds like he was really emotionally supportive? When did you start to see the impact on your sex drive, your sex life, your connection? Well, I will say probably the most between diagnosis and first treatment, there was very, like, there's no libido because your heart can't quite reflect. Yeah. And, and yet, I now, from enough physical activity, an exercise that's just so good for your mental stability.

It helps you sleep, you know, the endorphins. So for me, I kind of thought, this looks like a vitamin. Right. I can, I mean, it's what kind of wins the human to look, you know, I don't know what I'm going to go through. I don't know what it's going to look like. I don't know if I'm going to be bald or have don't know what it's going to look like. I don't know if I'm going to be bald or have been to my breast. I need to have sex.

And I need you to think of this as a vitamin for me. And last, I went to one of the pre-chimotherapy sessions with my two doctors, again, college ists. And I have my dad and my stepmom with me. And they're telling me about all the side effects I'm about to incur. This is, I've already had my breath for most. Okay. And so, at this meeting, she's saying, you know, you might lose hair, you might lose your fingernails.

You're going to have like, between all of your sinuses, your lubrication in your eyes, the lubrication, and your anal cavity, right? But everything you're going to be going to be dry because you're only two different drugs. Right. I'm like, great. What's that going to be like? With my dad, she's like, I don't, she's like,

it's not, it's, you know, and your vagina is a muscle and it is a tissue and you need to keep it healthy. But frankly, she's like, you may not want to have sex. And I was like, well, it's my ass, it's my, you know, it's ain't all the pain, it's almost dead. I love you, Al, and I love that you said that with your dad and the rewrite, good, good, great question.

But I was like, it was so scary to the conversation and yet I know that the physical touch is so important, especially I thought for healing. I'm not a certain station and yet I know that the physical touch is so important especially I thought for healing. So I basically said the same thing to my partner at the time, like look I might have lost a libido, I'm going to have fatigue, I'm going to be rapidly pushed into menopause and all of the formal issues that go along with menopause.

And yet I'm also, by the way, you can't get on top of me because I have these spacers inside my chest. I couldn't have the implant for a year after my first surgery. So I have these weird, hard plastic, almost like an implant, so it's a spacer inside the chest. Okay. So I basically said to him, I don'm not going to let him have any confidence and he's like, you're great, you're just beyond power, but so he was good and he was light about the whole thing. And yet was, you know, hey, it kind of stayed,

hey, this is medicine, you know, you said you need to get it on. Let's go. Good. Yeah, so how did you keep it like, yeah, so what happened? Like, how did you keep it? Yeah. So what happened? Like how did you? Yeah. I would say you helped me tremendously because I knew I need to have this. I started talking about growth and say, well, you know, I already have a thousand different toys, my brothers,

you name it. And then I was so I told my brother like, I need to watch porn. And I don't really want any crazy. I don't want any people to set up any each other. And it's great. I would try to find different erotic ads. I tried to read the vampire books that they were too cheesy for me. But trying to do anything that would help get my mindset out of I'm sick and going through this to I'm still a viable sexy woman.

I did not feel like, but I kind of open to new, the Emily, this is healthy to have a physical connection. So I started listening to your podcast all the time and girlfriend's kind of, oh, you got to listen to sex with Emily Street for Sarahful. And it was true that I just, you had random people on and you were different, you know, speakers, so I just thought, yeah, and then, oh, you know what, I'm just going to have so much loobs that I still have, you know, I'm going to try this kind of way of, but you're suggesting that kind of loo, and then the toys, I don't know how many different toys I bought of yours. Amazing. I was like, I love this woman.

So I never saw other podcasts and books, but it was really like changing. And I think being aware that, okay, I can't change that my physical appearance is going to look different. I was thankful I did not have to lose my hair. I did a cold cap during chemotherapy. You did a cold cap? It's probably a penguin cold cap. So you basically freeze your hair follicles during each chemotherapy treatment. And it allowed me to at least keep my hair.

Oh, okay. That's a bit. I didn't know that. I'm about that. Yeah. So I lost hair everywhere else, least keep my hair. Oh, okay. That's a bit, I didn't know that. I don't know about that. Yeah, I lost hair everywhere else, but on my head. Okay, so tell me about this though, like, did your doctors, did they, so really was the only conversation you really had with them about sex? Was that one with your dad in the room or was there any other information? No, it was just that one.

And I frankly went and had to do my own research. I even went to good vibration care and stay out with Sipsa. So, you know, this is what I'm going through. You guys, and they were like, oh, you might need a dilator. You need this kind of loop. Because you're really during chemotherapy, you have to stay away from bacteria. You have stay away from infections. So I kind of like, what, do I want silicone versus basically, you need, you have a stay away from infections. So I kind of like what

do I want to home versus basically you need you need to stay as healthy as you possibly can. So was that helpful? So what was the most helpful? So I mean, Allison, your story is amazing to me that you really prioritize sex along everything else. I would think especially for many women of our age in our forties were like, well thank 40s, we're like, well, thank you. But you won't be like, well, thank God, I wasn't really wanting sex anyway, but you were so, it is mindset. This is a really great example of like mind over matter that when we keep our pilot like lit, when we keep our brain on board with sex,

you know, were you able to still like, what were some of the challenges? Were you still able to order? I would say this and this is I kind of laugh is we he was great we had kind of a mini romantic weekend a week before sort of like two a few days before my first surgery a few days before my first chemo treatment a little mini trip to you know you're somebody in the middle of chemotherapy, between the second and the second round, and then a little trip to the south right before radiation. And so I think I was, I don't know what Point told him,

you know, he's always been very focused on making sure I have an orgasm, but I said, I don't want it to be that goal. For me, this goal is going to be a connection time together. Did you still have desire? Like what changes did you know? Did you dry up? Did you feel like totally.

I was a desert and total desert. And I'm not gonna say, I mean, if you think about that, have not having any mucus anywhere in your body, Emily. Oh, good. Not in your eyes, like, my body was a desert, and I was drinking so much water. It didn't matter. It didn't matter, right? Did you have orgasms?

Were you still having pleasure? I did, but not, I did. I did, but not anywhere to the same degree that I did before. So yes, I could, but I also kind of, I'm a over-achiever, had to basically say, well, that's not going to be the entire point of it. The point is for us to lay in the bed and have connection and be naked and to still use you guys and trying to as a muscle. Right.

Right. Do your idols or two. Exactly. Keep that tissue healthy because when I'm done with treatment, I want to be able to pick back up. Right. So I had read about, and you would probably know more about this, if I decided not to have any sexual however, during those six months, you know, I'm not going to have vaginal atrophy. Yeah.

I was afraid of that, so I thought, I don't even know what that is from a doctor's standpoint. Nobody talked about that, but I thought, I'm going to avoid that. Whatever it is. We're going to take a quick break and we come back more with Allison. So you kept having sex and did you use the dilators? Like, what was helpful for you like tons of loop which loop it's okay what kind of loop you know you you like a different point I happen to love the after-guide and that worked for me okay great

I tried a lot of different ones that you had suggested that was kind of the one that worked the best for me I tried a ton of different toys. Which toys were helpful? The womanizer. The womanizer. Yeah, the womanizer, I think. Yeah. Hands down.

Amazing, right? So that really helped you. So you were still able to have orgasms. And you were still able to have sex. I think you told me about some of the other ones that got like a black prawn. But I did have a little bit of pain. Okay.

It's very gentle, and so we'll just take it easy and take it slow. It kind of lost the amount of desire for oral, because frankly, I thought, and I'm certain I smelled weird with all the chemicals in my body. Right. So I couldn't kiss as much. Yeah, because you're dry. Your mouth is dry. Right. So I didn't, I couldn't kiss as much. Yeah, because you're dry.

Your mouth is dry. Because I'm so, so I would basically say, you know, I don't, I'm happy. If you all, I don't want any oil at this point. Right. He's so great. No, no, no, and I was like, trust me, I can't feel good in my own skin because I think I smell. Right.

And you know, souring, but it's not bad. It's chemical. So, there was a little bit of pain, but honestly, tons of flu and patient. Yeah, being patient, going slow, building your arousal, so was like watching porn helpful, was erotica helpful? Yeah. It's all of it. So, I almost have to, it's like a workout and I've done a lot of physical achievement physically.

So I kind of knew this is the same thing. I've got to work up to it. And it ends up saying it's like, you know, if I can't achieve an orgasm, it's still a good session. Or it's still we were together, we bonded, we connected, there's endorphins and stuff. We're touching one another. But maybe I didn't have an orgasm every time. Right. So in that year, so tell me then you started going to the chemotherapy and then you had to take medications that estrogen blocking medication. Yes.

And then I'll tell you, it is, and this goes not just so when I'm in the breast cancer, but for menopause. Right. Right. Right. Right. I have chin hairs. Going through menopause and the hormonal swings from that and my hot flashes. You can't take anything. You can't obviously, you can't take bioidentical hormones. No, I'm taking the opposite. I'm taking things to work on.

Right. Exactly. You're draining your estrogen. So it's coming on fast, but you're still throughout all of this. What was the longest you think that you went out, when you went without intimacy in this whole process or in the last three years? Hello? Nine, nine days. I have had a various virus. I don't know why I'm embarrassed. I had had my double mastectomy. I had had my two that you have drainage tube.

And I got them out on like the eighth day, which is unhealthy. So I'm thankful that's, but they took out the tubes there. And then I told them, I'm like, okay, we're gonna fix it. And he's like, you're on the bandage. And I was like, I don't know how, but you know, we were gonna see if they were gonna do

something, but I need to make sure I work. But you're like, that's good to work. So, you know, I did not come. I did not agree. No, but you kept it going. You kept it going. Then you're amazing, Allison, all this. I mean, and how about your sensitivity

and your breasts after it? Like, did you have sensitivity before and what's it like now? I do. I will tell you, I never truly appreciated this sensitivity in my breast. I never did. I took it for granted. And I truly, truly took it for granted. And I have none right now.

None. And I either breast, I, nothing on my underarms, nothing on my breast, and it is what it is. And so you have to kind of resort to, can you get a little feathered doctor and, you know, massage my legs or my feet or my back? Can you do other things so that I can get a little connection?

So that it's work. It is work. I mean, but you were in for it. I'm sure knowing you connection. So that is work. It is work. I mean, but you were in for it, and I'm sure knowing you were probably working the whole time and living your life and working out and working on your sex life, which is amazing to me. Did you, what did you discover? Like did you learn like new,

a rodgenous zones? Did your sex life get, did it improve in some ways? Cause I would think with all the focus and attention, I'm gonna think that like the bright side perhaps you discovered other paths to pleasure. Well, I. Are you. Is now more intense. Oddly.

And how explain that to me more intense and that is maybe a like because I have to work up to it, right? 25 minutes, 35 minutes. Work up to orgasm or work up to arousal. Work up to orgasm. Okay. Work up to orgasm, which in the past, and maybe that's, I don't know, you could tell me what the average is,

before I think it was very quick. Right. Even with a vibrator, is it still 25 minutes? Yes, it is, still 25 minutes. And it it is. It is still 25 minutes. And it has to be, I got to try a couple different poses. I have to have the music live or the only one. I have to set the stage. And the thing is, to some of the spontaneous where before I could have sex anywhere outside,

you know, so now it has to be a little more planned out. But yeah, but with it, I still think, damn, I've still got it. Right. And I, um, you know, I have my, my ovaries out when I can't tell me about the ovaries. And what was that about? I mean, that is so I'm going to get 18 months into me taking the anti-estrogen pill and 18 months after diagnosis, my menstruation. I started having a period again. Okay, wow. All right. But you have, I basically need to, for me to ensure that I have no cancer cells can be

to continue to populate, I need to make that I have no cancer cells, can be to continue to populate, I need to make sure I have no more estrogen. So having, you know, going back and having my period, ovulating is not what I wanted, so they had to put me on another drug, a lupron every three months, so I have to get a shot. And I hate the side effects from that,

so I went to my OBGYN and she said, well, why don't we just, why don't we just take your ovaries out with a very easy laparoscopic procedure. And again, my question to her was like, well, I can't have a question. Yeah, exactly. What did she say? Yes, you will.

Yes, you will. Say that again, you said, well, I still have a sex drive, is that what you said? Yeah, of course. Of course. And she's like, well, if you're in metapause, it's already. It's probably the same. And my thought was, well, I still have an organ.

She's like, yes, you will. OK. OK. Yeah. And that's what I tell you. There was some pain from that, two, three weeks later, trying to help. So that was that kind of took a little bit of time now having pain

because as I learned how they, with the laparoscop, it kind of filled your abdomen up with a lot of air. Gas, I guess it is. So they can find the ovary areas that cut them out. So they can kind of shift. So that was a little painful, but he was very, and it probably took two or three weeks for it not to be painful. And he was very and it probably took two or three weeks for it not to be painful. And he was again very patient. So what is the, God, this part sounds amazing. So what advice would you give to other women going through this? What did your partner do you think that we could like learn from?

Like what was the other group? I hope that there is an open conversation between the man, the woman or two women or one of, it's like this is an open conversation that, hey, the woman, or two women, or what if, like, this is an open conversation that, hey, you know, I'm about to go through this. I don't know what it's going to entail. There might be loss of confidence. I might lose my libido. You know, there might be pain during penetration, whatever.

They reduce signs of the vagina. I read that, and I was like, what do you mean it's kind of, I'm going to have it reduced? What? Right. Don't happen anyway at this time in our 40s, it does start to outrophy for anyone. Exactly. But you don't, but I think for me, I had never Googled that. Right.

So knowing when all the traits were from menopause, I thought, oh, okay, but some of this is, I'm already, I was going to have this happen during menopause, it's now just going to be quicker. Right. I'm already, I was going to have this happen during the NFA, that's now just going to be quicker. I think having two partners really discuss the physical changes and the psychological changes, I'm going to be vulnerable. I may not want to get naked for a while. For me, I wanted to wear a little acute tank top. I didn't want to get completely naked for a while. Right. And then being, I think, open both of them, both partners to how is it going to change

and evolve? And that you know what? You may not have to always tell me where to go. That may not be the, the, the, you, you may just need to enjoy one another, come to me and intimacy, and that might be okay. And also like, it's like, it sounds's like it sounds like else in the thing is you really had to go do your own work like did you ever talk about what i would get in your overhouse did they give you any information about sex or did you have to ask i had to ask

they did not and i'll tell you it's the conversation with the oncologist that personally was so weird and very uncomfortable uh... and there's not enough out there about sex and there are there is tons of material out there for men at all and how men at all but how the two tie together okay you're about to go through this first case of treatment and there are women who are doing the same treatment when there's 20-30 of them fortunately.

Yeah I know and they're not getting any information. No. And I think they realize they, okay, you tell me only what is the vagina made out of tissue, right? How do you keep that tissue healthy? If you have a sprained leg or a broken leg, you still want to basically keep that tissue healthy. So how do you do that? And then I don't know.

I think I was open to podcasts and Rodic and different toys, different livers, vacation, dressing up and funky outfits, like what's gonna get me? And what did, what did, though, Leg Al? So what would you say, like what was the most helpful and what was least helpful for you? I think the most helpful was that I was open to this is going to change and I knew my

my step-life is going to be different and that's okay. Right. And I'm so positive, Allison. It's so it's so this is so inspiring really. I mean, I think just the fact that you're like this is going to change what can I do to just get ahead of it and not without a victimant really. I mean, thank you for like this is going to change what can I do to get ahead of it and not without the victim really. I mean thank you for sharing this so so it was helpful just kind of trying everything keeping your mind on board with it and being like trying everything so I cannot have a orgasm today on top. Can't do it. OK. I try for hours and hours and we'll work.

What will work? OK. But before you were able to, were you able to have an orgasm internally and externally? Yes. And just no problem whatsoever. OK. And now it's only externally.

It is only externally. Yes. Yes, that's it. OK, which is fine. Which is fine I think it's being open and then okay my new normal is this but just think also right? Three years past my diagnosis. I'm not giving up This should kind of have a double again, right? I'm still like there's hope I have a bubble again? Right? I'm still like, there's hope that things will continue to improve.

I think so. I believe they will. I think so too. I know they will. I believe you'll be able to orgasm in all the ways you were before. In fact, I pretty much know it. Because again, it's relearning it. It's relearning it and different nerve endings and stuff.

But I feel like you will be able to. And you're going to have to keep me posted on that. Have you talked to other women? I think there needs to be more research. And I think we're not research, but help for women going through this so that they're not googling all the terrible side effects. And it was so thankful going in here in Tampa

just go having women at good vibrations, say, I'll try this, I'll try this. I love the good vibes that was successful. Yeah, it's amazing. I mean, I got my first vibrator there, a huge fan of good vibrations. So did you talk to other people like in the process, other women who were having the gazelle like a support group

or do other people that you shared your story with or were going to do that? I feel like every woman has a different experience. But ultimately what they could learn from you is that you gotta do your work on your own which everyone woman needs to do whether they're going through this or not, frankly. But you had to go into overdrive with it.

I wanted to overdrive. I think when I did, I had a good group of women, friends, and most of them are older and have been going through menopause already. So I think talking to them, they were like, oh, that's normal. That's typically menopause. That's not even cancer, that's just menopause. Right.

So I see kind of as I learned more about menopause, because I wasn't ready to go through menopause. Menopause. I know this. Menopause, I really like to move away from it. I would have gone through all these changes anyway. That's true. Just a little bit earlier.

Just a little bit earlier. Was there anything that wasn't helpful? Was there any misinformation that people are hearing it? You're like, oh God, don't listen to that. Anything that we could just kind of discourage people from going down that. I think thinking that it has to be the same as what it was. I think, and for me, this is a part because I wanted things to be have the exact same as I had before. And it's different. And that's okay.

Right. And do you feel like you're a rousal? I was like, I'm just a piece. Yeah. I mean, do you feel like desire change? Because you know, we hear that again. I know it's probably hard to tell, but like it menopause is it is it from the meds But for so many women they're like I just don't have the desire anymore They're lost of libido is definitely it is there is a loss of libido and It is being mindful just like you work out just like you eat right like and this is good for my body Let's get it on.

Right. And it really seems like it helped. I think so. I have to be physical touch still helps, help, and people in your mentality. So why don't I want to revel around naked with my partner? Exactly. Right. Wow.

And your story is so fast. And then to sleep, I go to the sleep deprivation, right, get on you when you're going to some kind of healing, like, that's all you really want to do is sleep. And then I kind of thought, you know, well, maybe if we have sex, I'll sleep better. So I don't know, I'd, everything looks like this is a muscle or a tissue.

Yeah, I mean, I think it is a mental thing, though, like the fact that you did it, and you probably would sleep better after you have an orgasm or after you've intimacy with our partner. Because a lot of times we don't because there's stress around not having the intimacy with our partner so then we're awake because we're not connecting. So like making that part of your routine that like we have to make sure that we connect on a regular basis was probably very, was very, very healing. Allison, this is a maybe thank you so much for sharing your stories. Are you having pain right now when you have sex?

How is you said after you had your overall? No. No. It was the first couple of weeks and then no. Are you feeling any kind of changes since then? Like anything in the last like a few months? No. Okay.

This is incredible. I mean for me and I don't know. I have joint pain that that has nothing to do with my 60 parts. So really it sounds like this partner of yours is pretty incredible. We could all learn from this. It actually brought you closer together in ways. I was very supportive. I would hope women who are going through even menopause, right?

Not even cancer. I hope they would have a partner that would be understanding of their changes and open to helping them without being judgmental. And again, I would hope that. Yeah, I would hope so too, but you were saying it's interesting. You were going through a divorce and you're like, thank God, because I knew we couldn't be there.

So I guess this is the time where you test and you're like, you know, we kind of know who would show up or not, whether it's your friend or your lover, right? Exactly, yeah, yeah. Totally get that. Well, anything else that we kind of know who would show up or not, whether it's your friend or your lover, right? Exactly, yeah, yeah. Totally get that. Well, anything else that we need to know here, because I also wanna ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests, but in too many questions

for me, or is there anything else that was like, I'm trying to think, was there anything like that you learned that you're like, I wish that every woman knew this, when you've shared so much, we're all just so fascinating here. Let's see if your stories are anything else. I would love to have something, you know,

sex with Emily a little like card on every oncologist's desk. So when they have a woman that they're talking to about their upcoming treatment, they can turn around and say, you know, and if you do have a partner and want to get your mojo and listen to this lady reach somebody like you that is an expert in the field and can help kind of break down the barriers that people might have because they're really

truly focused on how to survive, how to like eat right and do all these other things. And I think that in terms of peace and mind, it's so important. I don't think I'm so glad. If somebody, you know, someone like you could be on, in front of a bunch of oncologists, you know, I think that would be. It's not a bad idea. Yeah, no, I mean, I would love to do that.

I mean, I, because I've heard this, I said my best friend went to this, who's also in the Bay Area, and she kept asking me, she was not getting any information about it. And she was like, oh, I, because I've heard this, I said my best friend went to this who's also in the Bay Area and she kept asking me she was not getting any information about it and she was like, oh, I'm really dry. I'm like, yes, of course you are. Here's why. And I was like sending groceries and loobs and so, so I'm so glad that you found help with the show and all the things that you did. It's just such a story of inspiration and I, you're amazing, Allison. So thank you. I'm so glad. Thank you again. I'm so grateful for you Emily,

and the give-als that it's fun, and it just makes it, it's been, I think, a much sweeter experience that you don't have in your life. Oh, Allison, I feel the same. I mean, really, thank you so much for your kind words and your note, and I'm just so glad we connected now.

It's like, you know, we all help each other. So you're helping all of my listeners right now. So thank you, Allison. And so, okay, so I'm gonna ask you the five questions we ask our guests, ready? Okay. Okay, question, biggest turn on. These are quicky questions, biggest turn on.

Smell. Okay, biggest turn off. Hey, what else would be smell? That's right. It's a good one. What makes good smell? Smell right, what makes good sex? Good partner.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Oh, I would say enjoy the breath more. I mean, for me, I did eat, I truly underapp the breath. Yeah. For me, I totally appreciated these sensitivity. Yeah. Associated breath.

That's a good one. Okay. Number one sex tip. Loom. Yes, Alison. We're so aligned. Yeah. Alison, you're amazing.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for opening this up for women. I think everywhere. I think we all know people who are going through this and going through breast cancer. It doesn't have to be the end to your sex life. And so I'm so glad you found the show helpful. And so glad the show has brought us together and you'll have to come visit when you are in Los Angeles. And just thank you, Allison. I really appreciate it. Really inspiring. Thanks for your time. you, Allison. I really appreciate it. Really inspiring. Thanks for your time. Thanks, Allison. If you like the show, and we hope you do just right now,

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