Sex With Emily - SWE: American Gangbang

Episode Date: February 25, 2012

Emily interviews formerporn director Sam Benjamin talks about his new book American Gangbang: A Love Story. He describes what’s its like sleeping with porn stars, directing amateur porn, and the golden shower rule. Also, if he directed Emily’s dream porno it would involve a cop. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Emily You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got ever stand it's so nice the women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just playing with. Sending, you're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithfamily.com. You can listen to the show, become a friends with benefits member. We so appreciate all of our friends with benefits members. You know, it's really easy to do. It's 4.95 a month. It comes out to like 20-something cents a day,

which is nothing for free-sex advice. And we promise that by listening to the show, you will improve your sex life, because millions of other people have, and we want you to be one of them. So we appreciate your support of the show, you will improve your sex life because millions of other people have and we want you to be one of them. So we appreciate your support of the show. It's been a great week of shows. I speak if you missed anything. We've talked about relationship patterns

and Kelsey, what was our other topic the other day? Relationship patterns. And can we remember? Oh, we didn't do just the tip yet, have we? No, we're gonna do that next week. Just the tip. And then we've got destructive relationship patterns. tip yet have we know we're gonna do that next week just the tip and actually oral sex tips oral sex tips and then we've got destructive relationship patterns we asked to talk with this week if you've missed that

and then we talked about the what was it breaking old patterns and relationships and landscaping and grooming oh yeah grooming when I hear topics I love grooming what did you decide after we've heard from a lot of listeners about the grooming. Like they decide like a lot of, you know, that there's trends out there that people think they should groom, they should trim up. I didn't come down to any new conclusions on my own, but I think a lot of listeners have been emailing me and saying like, I like a trim, and I like a shave, and I like it whatever. And I just think it's a personal, oh, we should talk to our, we have a special guest today.

Let me tell you about today's show. Sam Benjamin is the author and he's a former porn director. He wrote a book called American Gang Being a Love Story. And let me just read you a quick excerpt about his from his bio, which I thought was very illustrative about the book, which is Benjamin worked and porn for three years became rich, spent a summer living inside a porn mansion in Malibu, found porn or love, broke his heart, aged, burnt out, quit the business, escaped to Southeast Asia, fasted, got boils all over his body, cleared his head, at tone for a stands,

returned home, applied to graduate school. It's kind of goes through this whole book, right? I think that's a good description of what happens to you, Sam. So we're gonna get into that. We're gonna talk about his book and what he goes through and we're gonna talk about just some issues around porn. We get a lot of emails from listeners

who, you know, a lot of men and women have struggles around porn. They do. They talk about a lot of men are like, you know, feel conflicted about their use of porn and I think women, there's a misunderstanding about it, which I think there's a lot of healthy things about porn, healthy sides to porn. And there's also some darkness and Sam gets into that in his book and we are going to get into that shortly.

Now we'd also like to talk about Adam and Eve. If you would like to buy any sex toys and Kelsey, what would you recommend at the top of your head? There's the butterfly. The Venus butterfly. Right. And they also have the, of course,

the Hattachi Magic Wand, which is Katsuki Gateway into sex, which is an Hattachi Magic Wand. The rabbit collection is always good. Any of the rabbits. I would say pocket rocket. Pocket rocket is a great starter. It's a great starter. So you get 50% of most items free shipping, a free gift, a mystery item, and the Kim Kardashian

sex DVD. We can't forget that. You just use coupon code Emily at checkout, which is awesome. 50% free shipping. All that stuff. We love that. We love Adam and Eve. So, um, okay.

So we've got a little sex in the news that we're going to get into here. Okay. There's going to be a male version of the pill. A male version of the pill might truly be in sight and a team of University of Kansas School of Medicine and National Recognized Center of Research into male contraceptives is working to be among the first to put in new generation of products in the market. Men taking gamondozole gamondazel, whatever, I'm not saying it right, but it doesn't matter because they won't ever call it that. A pill would essentially be shooting blanks. The expectation is that men in taking the pill would experience no change in the libido, and if they stop taking it, they would regain full fertility within a

few weeks. Finally, but I wonder if men will actually take responsibility to take the pill. I don't think they're going to take it on time. They'll forget. You can barely take it on time. I can barely take it on time. And I'm kind of like a dude sometimes. Right. Exactly. But I think it's amazing.

It's about time. If this really happens, you've been hearing about this for years. But will men really, will they really take the photo? They should have to take it. But this is what I hate. There's no side effects. Women, we have a million side effects with a birth control pill. And they finally made a pill for men

where there's no side effects, except for the shooting blanks. I don't know, I think that the side effects for women are mostly positive though. You like don't get pregnant, your boobs get bigger. That's true. My boobs were like, don't have friends. Right, I like became like my boobs grew to size as I think my boyfriend fell more in love with me the summer that I was taking birth control because my breasts were so large. It was sort of like my friends thought I got to move job. That is one of the benefits,

but it also I think you have some negatives too. Like, I don't know, emotional stuff and stuff that women go through for the past. But you have any negative side effects? I don't know, I've been on it for like since I was 16 so I don't really know. Okay, maybe you are just the way you are. But some people have really bad reactions to it.

I just feel like if a man was taking a pill, like that would be hard to trust him, having sex with him, like, did you take your pill? Right, exactly. It'd be a strange thing, but I think it's time. I think the time has come. Okay, this is another news story that is a little bit disturbing.

Nicaraguan man, dad filmed taking 16 year old son to a brothel to become a man. So he, I've heard this story before, of a man taking his son to a brothel to become a man. So he, I've heard of this story before of a man taking his son to a brothel to become a man, but he actually filmed it, which is disturbing. On his birthday, to do with this virginity, it isn't shocking that this happens, but it isn't often that the entire trip is documented on video. In the video, Don Cesar and his son Juan walk through the brothel, protection in hand. Thank God. In search of a prostitute

for Juan's first time. The choice is made. He enters a room and not long after emerges from behind the tindor with a big smile on his face and followed by his presumed first. So this man filmed his son. That's a serving. I wonder what it's for as a proposterior

to be like posted on YouTube to make money. I'm not sure about that story, but that is a little disturbing to me, but you can check it out on our websites. Okay, trying to think the weekend, any big plans for the weekend? It's Friday, free Friday show. Thanks everyone for listening. You know, we do do three to show the week, three to four shows a week. So if you're going to the show right now, it's free Friday, we're psyched you're here, but you can also listen to more of our shows if you become a friends with benefits. Remember, which you appreciate, but it can also listen to more of our shows if you become a friends with benefits Remember which you appreciate, but it is the weekend. I'm so excited. I'm dog sitting nice

Not only can I not handle one dog the dog that I have but I'm taking on another dog Yeah, where where has the dog been lately? The dog is with a dog walker She gets much more love during the day with a dog walker and But then I'm watching my friend Ruby's dog who's a lot more mellow than my dog, which is good. And that's what I'm doing. Watching dog going to the beach. It's like 75 degrees here today. It's amazing. Yeah, it's going to be nice this weekend too. I don't think so. Unfortunately, that always happens in San Francisco. Like, we have these beautiful weeks. We're all working. And then like, Saturday comes and it's freezing and miserable. But anyway, I'm going to be watching

a dog and hopefully going out and seeing friends and doing fun stuff like that. Okay, let's get into emails because I've got an email that's relevant to Sam, our author here. And now, let's see if you can help us answer this. So let's move Sam into the picture. If you're watching, you know you can listen to the show, but you can also watch the show. Oh, sorry. You can watch it. Here Sam, say hi. Let's hold up a copy of your book. Hi Sam. Hey, thank you so much for having me on the show. You can watch it. Here's Sam. Say hi. Let's hold up a copy of your book. Hi Sam. Hey, thank you so much for having me on the show. I'm so glad you're here. It's called American Gang Bang Alive Story. Am I holding it up on camera? Correctly. Can you read it? Okay, where can people buy your book? Oh, I don't know. Barnes and Noble, Amazon, the usual. The usual.

The uses. Okay. So here's, okay, thank you so much everyone for emailing us at feedback at sexwithemily.com. You can also write for our website. Just go online and e-mails there. So there's an Ask Emily button and you can just send us your question. And if you're a friends with benefits member, we actually answer your e-mails first. You get direct response from me right away and I'm like your personal sex therapist coach, relationship coach. If you're a friends with benefits member. Okay, hey Emily, I'm like your personal sex therapist coach relationship coach. If you're a friend, if it's a member. Okay, hey, Emily, I'm a new listener to your podcast, but so far, and so far, I'm loving

it. Key of the good work. I had a question regarding the golden shower. My boyfriend really enjoys it, but for me, it completely destroys the moment and turns me right off. Since he's so hard at himself about it, calling himself a freak and feeling guilty that it turns him on, I try to take baby steps towards doing things that please him in the bedroom How should I deal with his recurring pleading for me to wet my panties in front of him?

And is it wrong for me to deny him those sort of things completely? Any help is greatly appreciated sign-bre Sam and my friends went over to you. Oh, thanks so much for doing that. Yeah. What do you think about this? A golden shower? So can you explain it to golden showers? I guess it's just a guy who gets turned on, you know, by urine and smell or the drip or just the fact that somebody will go that far to please him and indulge him. Right. So he wants her to urinate on him. Mm-hmm. Okay. And so she's conflicted by it and he's conflicted by it, right? So can you talk a little bit? Can you talk about that in your book? We've got some uh

Yeah, the first video I ever made the guy was super into urine, you know, and he was he was turned on by it So in terms of advice, I guess it's like how much do you like this guy? How sexy is he? What are you getting out of this? Exactly. Is it enough for... Obviously, you don't like it that much. Right, she's not that into it. But she likes, she loves her boyfriend. So it destroys a moment and turns off. Have you ever seen in your experience that people can kind of come around to it? Or is either there, it's not? I think it's either there, it's not. And these are the certain things you do inside of a relationship for that other person. My question to her is what's he bring into the table? Right. Exactly. Is he doing stuff for you? Like maybe there's like a tit for tat. Like is he going down on you as much as you need?

Like what do you need to get off? How do you, you know, orgasm? What brings you? Is there any fantasies that you have that you're like fine, dude? I'll let you urine on my face, but however, or I'll urine on you, whatever it is, but I'd really like you to dress up as a com quad or something. I don't know what turns you on, Bri, but make sure that it's not just about him because a relationship you have to have two people getting turned on and getting their fantasies matter, the desires matter, and so I would just turn the question

back to him and make sure that you, because maybe if you feel it is more of a given take and not just I'm pleasing him again or I was really in the moment and I lost it, maybe there's a way that you guys can create this new sexual dynamic where you are also bringing stuff to the table, because I think that's a really good point. It shouldn't just be about you. Brie, okay, let's get into your book here. Sam Benjamin.

Okay. So like I said, you worked in the porn industry for three years, so let's start with some background. Why porn and how did you get into it? Okay. Well, when I was in college, I was an arts major. You know, I caught the art bug. And I was like, I want to graduate and be, you know, a professional working creative person. That's my birthright. My only problem was I wasn't that good, you know, drawing, painting, printmaking, sculpture, et cetera. So I had to figure out like, you know, what could be an art that I could do and make money

and then all of a sudden it was like, oh, boy no, it's like. Right, I thought it makes money important. And they're all bad artists, like I'll be perfect. Right, so it was a little bit of your ego kind of saying like, okay, I'm not, it seems like a lot of you, this is a lot about your ego, right? I mean, like, trying to please it, trying to not, like, trying to figure out your own demons and-

I wanted to make money. You want to make money. And I wanted to have sex, and I was 23, and I wanted to have sex and I was 23 and I wanted to have adventures. I grew up in kind of like suburban North Carolina with a slightly overprotective Jewish parents. I didn't really. I never had a teenage rebellion or anything like that. I was like, I'm 23 and I'm ready to go crazy a little bit. Were you watching porn yourself at the time? I watched a little bit, very little bit. I started to get interested in college and I watched some really good you're still in the corner. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to

get a little bit more of a more of a more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of But also you started out, it says that you really wanted to create a different kind of porn, which I've heard before. People were like, I'm going to, and I've met a few porn directors like this in my time that I was actually on his porn set. He's like, I'm going to be different. I'm going to make porn that is good, it has a good story, it has a good plot, and it's really going to help people with their sex lives. And I'm going to be different. I'm going to be a pioneer in the field because all the other porn is crap.

So did you want to go in, like, you're kind of young, idealistic, I'm gonna do it right. Pot head, you know, acid head, like going to Burning Man and feeling like, why are we degrading our women in our sexual films? We could do so much better, and why is it so underheaded? So I was like, there's a lot of opportunity

inside of this genre. Right, so then what happened? So you tried to set out in your journey to make this kind of porn. And what happened to you? Oh, well, the way twists and turns and like I don't regret any of it. I would say that I'm a failure as a pornographer. You know, I wasn't that good at art. And then I figured I wasn't that good at porn, you know, actually either. However, what turned out is that the value of the journey was

actually that it became an anthropological kind of adventure. I was like, this is a whole world that I can explore and it turned out that I started keeping a journal online. This is before the word blog was as useful. And that turned out to be my contribution. Right. Which really was creating art and your own, your own, in this book is art. Thank you.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't beat yourself up. So even though you didn't start on your initial goal of making the different kind of porn, you did have success. From you did have commercial success. And I did try to make some different porn. The first nine porns of my career were independently produced um, movies that I made in Santa Cruz and sold on eBay, which was kind of a growing commercial phenomenon at the time. There's early 2000s. And then only when I moved down to Los Angeles

about about a year later, did I hook on with the mainstream porn industry and start producing the kind of slop that I had reacted against. Right, exactly. It's not funny that we do that. It's sort of, it's ironic, but in a way you get in it and you're like, that's how I'm going to be successful. But what you still, it's not I mean you see you've had a lot of trials and tribulations and during that time I was like an undercover sleuth right exactly and in those but you enjoyed yourself along the way I loved it it was absolutely amazing you had some good sex no not that much good sex I'm be honest about your obsession with porn stars having sex with porn stars it was like god their legs

are so pretty like I can't believe it like Oh my God, and then it's just like the sexist is hollow-eyed and freaky, actually. Right, you're like, oh, but then it's to describe in a moment in the book when you're having sex with Kate that it was like, you felt that it was like this, which is a young, I mean, you were young, feeling like, we had a connection. Did we have a connection?

It was awesome. It's kind of like how men feel strip clubs, right? I think she really likes me. I think she's going home with me because she took my number and I got her number and yes, but actually my experience with Kate Frost God bless you, Kate, where are you? Now, bunny ranch, we don't know. That was actually like the one like so hot like the top

of my head exploded and my shock was blue apart. And it was like, hey, I was right. I can get into because a big part of my reason to want to work and porn in the first place was the sex. Right. Right. Of course. Because you also felt like you didn't get that in high school. Maybe when all the other kids were, there was some kind of something

about your emotional, your maturity. Are you trying to say I was a nerd in high school? You said, I didn't say it. You said that, you know, it was all the football players and whatever. And they were the ones that are I'm Jewish okay, so I grew up in Chapel Hill North Carolina There's no Jews there. I'm Jewish too, but I grew up with lots of Jews. Yeah exactly Which is not and you better in the Bay no in Michigan okay suburb Detroit lots of Jews

But you grew up right Jewish kid not a lot Jewish American Eagle Cackies, you know took the front of your shirt and see I tried the fro. Yeah, you know, it's just different different world. So yeah, I've always been like, okay, I love women, but like I really love how women. Right. Right. I just wanted that. I was trying to go for it. Of course you did. You were any other man on the planet. Like raise your hand if you're a man who wouldn't want to have sex with porn star at least once. Right. So I was trying to follow the logical road to my dream and it was just too logical. It was too straight. Right. Really? Okay. So wait. So here's my question for you. You say in the book that it presents me with a vision of myself that I didn't like much or respect. Mm-hmm. So this is the end. This is the end. That's my wrap-up sentence. That's your wrap-up. Okay. I'm sorry. That is your wrap wrap up sentence. But can you just talk about, well, I guess we could get into that after, but talk about amateur porn first. We'll get into that later, that was the wrap up.

You talk about amateur porn. Why do you think, because that seems to be what porn has become, like everyone's making a porn. Like Kelsey's gonna make a porn. That was joking. Uh-huh. Kelsey, my assistant. You can make a porn yourself.

Whatever, but why do you think the explosion of the interest in amateur, because it's so easy and anyone can do it? Or like, what do you think there is about amateur porn I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not saying we should. Right. If you look back to the 1980s, like the only porn that we're going to see are these big box VHS kind of semi-mainstream releases and then just with the developing technology,

it's created this whole new pool of talent, which a lot of people like, you know? Right. Why do you think they like it, though? Because it's real. It's like why people like reality TV, I sort of relate amateur porn to that. Don't you think in a way? Like people are like, I can relate to that. I can see that.

I have those flaws. I have that. I can relate to you. Or you're much more effed up than I am. There's also this Emily, like in these days in the search, in the days of Google searching, if you're things like black teen fetishes with one arm, You can just type that in. You can find some example of it. You can find whatever it is you're looking for with porn. So in your experience though, do you feel like you were making so talk about some of the kind of porns that you made.

Let's see. Were they like following your own? I know that you kind of got off track and it didn't start out like being this your own vision of what you thought porn would be. But was there stuff? Did you find yourself gravitating towards you did towards things that you were interested in or do you? Yeah, here's a here's a good example from the early years when I was the rose was not the bloom was not off the rose I was like music and porn is really bad and then I had this idea I'm gonna hire a funk band to know serenade this like honey moon couple while they actually have sex and see What is the interaction between music and sex, and I rented a sound studio in San Francisco,

this place called Secret Studios, and I told them I was recording an album there, and I brought in this three-piece funk band, and this woman named Jesse, and her husband Sam, who was like a postal worker, and we did it up. We shot an amateur porn there, and it was all secret, and I jumped in at the end and it was just this whole

23-year-old adventure. You jumped in at the end. You're so you were how many porn were you actually in? I mean like five or six. Okay. And how and talked to me about your experience being in it. I had an amazing experience in May of 2000 when I took part in this movie called Bitch Brawl Wrestling that this awesome pornographer named Duck Dumont He's since deceased. He was producing this fetish videos about like female domination So all I had to do was like go into a wrestling ring in my my underwear. This is when I'm younger Right, right imagine that you're good get get dominated by this woman Janay who I'd used in my first film Okay, I dominate this guy Dennis Dennis and Uriney on him, et cetera. And she was sitting on my face naked and I was like, oh! And yeah. Is this when you were penetrated from behind?

No, that was another move. Oh, sorry, I get confused. But she did strap on a dildo at the end because I lost the match. So she strapped on a dildo at the end and she like violated my mouth and it was She was really hot. I was like, I'm in San Francisco in a boxing ring. Give my mouth. Yeah. I mean you did it like it really was an anthropological experience You know, like you threw yourself into it What can we talk about though? We talk about this a lot in the show that a lot of men feel like if they do get penetrated From behind like with a deal with a strap on or with a dildo or anything that it makes them gay.

But there is a lot of pleasure, do you experience pleasure? Yeah, it was bomb, it was fun. The trick guys is that just make a hot woman do it and it's all good and you're like, wow, my ass is a pleasure zone and- Exactly, this is what I've been trying to tell me forever that your ass is a pleasure zone and you're ignoring it because you think it's going to make you gay or it's going to hurt or whatever. Emily, I just had this crazy experience in November.

This woman, it was the first groupie of my life. This woman read my book and she contacted me on Facebook and I was like, okay, wow, let's definitely meet up. This is awesome. I was like, I've been dreaming about this. And long story short, I don't want to be too graphic or whatever, but go for it. I'm such a Emily. Her whole thing was she was like, I read about in your book how you got fucked in the ass

by this girl wearing a strap on and like, so are you still into that? And I was like, well, to be honest, I haven't really experimented in since the time. And that was 10 years ago. And she was like, I want to suck your dick and like put two fingers up your ass. And I was like, what time? I three o'clock, right? Sure. And man, I'm telling you, my head exploded.

Wow. It was really cool. That is really cool. And I never would have brought it up myself unless she did. Right. Okay, do you see this woman or was just like a one-off experience? It was a one-off. I would have loved to make it a two-off or three-off, but then she was like, I fell in love with somebody.

Oh, sure. Yeah, no. Right, but you had that experience. I had that experience and trying to just think like all over one experience. I know. I love it. Okay, so just saying that like, and if you are going to try something like that at home, you use lots of lube and ease into it slowly.

And there is like the male prostate, which can give you much, much pleasure that you are not. Try it once. If you've never done it, try it one time. You can start with a finger. You can start with a butt plug where you could start with a strap on deal though Kelsey's like looking over here. It's not really approving right now She is I was just thinking about it like I don't I don't know what whole butt stuff scares the shit out of me

Does he really to do that with a man? I don't yeah, I don't like stick my finger up a guy's ass, right? I understand you could shower together first. Yeah. Make it a more, yeah. I don't know. I just feel like such a prude. I think it's like ripping a bandaid off. You just got to do it. You just got to stick your fingers in.

Like taking the band. I'm just saying. I don't know. OK, I got to talk to you about good vibrations. Because that was kind of pivotal moment for you to the book when you're young, and you're just starting out, and you're doing some exploration in a no better city than San Francisco.

And you walk into a good vibrations which is an amazing sex positive store in San Francisco and they have a store in Boston and they just open up one in Oakland and it's just it's the most warm cozy place to go for sex information and they make you feel so good you can go in there with any fetish any desire and they're like oh that's cool yeah we got a toy just for that and they just I love good vibrations And so it was kind of pivotal for you. So what's your experience working with them? Good vibrations.

Good vibrations is just the standard that everybody's trying to get to. I know, no, it's not there. It's sex positive. It was super interesting for me because I had, by the time I worked for them, I was in one of their first pornos that they made. I'd been down in LA for a while.

So I'd gotten, and I'd worked on a bunch of sets as a behind the scenes guy shooting for Sin City and the erotic networks, some other companies too. So I got a real taste of what sex industry was like in LA and how the performers were treated. And then when I went up to actually perform in the movie for the sex positive industry up here, it was, it just felt like a team experience. Right. And they care more about your, yeah, it's like people are just not treated like objects as much and it's, I can imagine a better experience. But if you guys want to check out good vibrations, they've got toys, they've got porn, you

can look, search by porn for couple. We're going to get into some of this, like porn for couples, porn for women, porn for whatever fetish you have. And they sell amazing sex products. And if you use coupon code, GVMly 15, you get 15% off anything. And it's at good vibes.com. But I love

when you talk about it. Because that was my first sex toy experience. I moved to San Francisco and I'd never been in a sex toy store because they were all kind of in Michigan. They were all kind of CD for like old men, saying quarters of

machine or whatever. There wasn't like a great sex store. And I walked in there and I was like, yeah, I'd like to explore my G-spot. They're like, oh, we've got something for you right here at this toy. You know, they're so like, you know, just positive and they walk you through the experience

and it's good all around. Okay. So this is something, Kelsey came up this. So she wanted to know, you made a film of yourself. You started this at the beginning and you said that you sent, you, you first film you made, I believe, that you sent for an additional cost,

a used pair of your own underwear that you jizzed into and then sealed in a zip-lock bag. Is that true? Did you really do that? This is totally true. I mean, what happened was I made two films before that. One was the one that featured the, the, the ping. And then the second one was that, uh,

the one with the funk band. Second one did a lot and then the second one was that the one with the funk band. Second one did a lot better than the first one. I'll tell you that because as I've written the book the true urine of his Yunato is hard to please. Okay and you did it. That success along the way. It was cool. Yeah. It was great but I wanted to play with my formula and see how I could make some more money on this eBay send VHS masters through the mail. So I decided to do one that would appeal to the gay gentleman out there. And so I made my own sort of jack-off video, which was me lifting weights and eating grapes

off the floor in my kitchen in Santa Cruz and doing yoga and playing basketball. It was retarded. But yeah, yeah, I did. I offered an extra bonus thing. I was just trying to be entrepreneur. And when the orders came in and I had one to fill, it was like, here I go into the, you know, okay, that's very creative. We just want to give you points for creativity here. And we were wondering, is that real? So we just want to know. I had a good lead on cheap underwear in Santa Cruz. Okay, good. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so what about Gonzo videos in porn? Like Gonzo porn? Why do you like them so much?

Why do you think they're so? Can you first explain what it is to our listeners? Gonzo versus other kinds of porn? Okay, awesome. So Gonzo basically stands out from, in opposition to mainstream narrative porn where there's a story being told. Gonzo is mostly handheld, it's mostly plotless.

And oftentimes it uses the director as a sort of a stand-in for the voyeuristic desires of the viewer. And so it's a certain closeness to it that I think that a lot of the viewers relate to it, it heightens kind of the sexual tone of the video. But also the thing that I like is that in the Gonzo videos, you're a little bit closer to a documentary feel Like all porno and a certain sense has a documentary aspect to it because the narrative tissue that they try to

Yeah, create is just so bad You know, it's like stories created by people who can't write very well being shot by people who can't light very well Right, etc. And in theonzola, that's all dropped. And if you watch a couple of the films, you might even cobble together a certain sense of who these actresses are. Why are they there? And do you still watch porn?

Is that still your preferred? I don't watch that much porn anymore except from a historical sense. I'll porn out. Well, I created this lecture in the fall to try to promote my book called A Brief History of porn. Weave together non-explicit clips from, from pointos from like 1960 until today to try to give the viewer a sense of the trajectory of the genre.

So yeah, I've been sitting at home and like smoking pot endlessly, watching these horrible movies from the 70s and 80s and 90s and trying to find cool clips that people will enjoy in a video lecture. But in terms of masturbating and watching porn, I don't have internet at my house right now. Oh wow. Yeah, so it's like use the old brain. On purpose, you don't have internet?

Yeah, on purpose. Because why? You just want to try to live that sort of set. It saves me like two hours a day. Yeah, why? Because otherwise you'd be watching porn. So do you think you have a bit of a porn addiction? Maybe.

Maybe. Yeah, a little bit. I would say, maybe. I would say, maybe. I always tell people that you know it's an addiction. Do you have a food addiction? Yeah, no. I don't, but no, but a porn addiction, I always say, is like, when it wreaks havoc on your life, like when you can't go to work, when you lose your job, you lose your girlfriend,

or your boyfriend, or whatever it is, and it's a problem. But if you watch porn every day and you're still living your life in a very healthy way, a balanced way, there is nothing wrong with watching porn every day. I completely agree. I would put the limit on it. Like, are you spending more than half an hour on porn tube? Then it's annoying, probably.

But are you, is it just a cool, fun thing that you can do it? Like, 5.30 p.m. and then go to the gym? Right. Yeah, I often, well, I don't watch, I need to watch more porn. It's and go I go to the gym. Right. Okay. Yeah. I often, I don't watch, I need to watch more porn. It's like been on my list of things to do because I don't, and I have this, where you said the sponsor fire TV. Have you heard of them?

FYI TV. They're like the Netflix of porn and they gave me this porn box with 20,000 porn titles on it. And it's just like this box connects to my television. I know. Look at your eyes. You want to come over, right? No, the next who who gets you as his girlfriend is gonna be blessed. I know I was

Exceriously, it's true and I need to watch it more and I just don't make the time. I just started trying to watch television And porn is getting better recently. They started Really? They what I think so what would you recommend? What's what do you think? Just on principle, I think it's cool that they started putting a lot of Money into movies and they create these like high budget satire movies for the most part. Jamie Waxman and I were talking about it. Okay.

She's so author of my book Hot Sex. Mm-hmm. Jamie is like, you got to meet Emily Moore. She's hot. You need to go up to San Francisco. That's awesome. I'm so glad you're here, right? It's great.

So, but the, what was you going to say, porn, and then, okay. The satire is a goldmine. The satire, right. Okay. People are sick and like millions of dollars in to create these star wars satire what was when I saw be witched oh they're all the recreating ready bunch and porn is uniquely set it's uniquely appropriate to make satires because as you watch the regular film star wars tell me you're not thinking about well what what do they look Exactly. I love it. So there's like porn for everything every

every every interest right every whatever fetish. And these movies are good vibe movies not good vibrations but they're not like you know pull the bitch over to the side of the room like slap her around like all the satire movies are kind of respectful. Oh that's good because you do talk a lot about those kind of porn that are pulled a bit around and slapper and some. Can you talk about the role of domination and humiliation in porn? That was the LA that I somehow find.

I think it's actually shaped up a little bit better than the little bit more. And I was down in LA from 2001 to 2003, just the atmosphere was a little bit dark. It seemed like it was, yeah, it was very dark and see. But can you talk about why, I don't know the psychology behind that? I don't know, I'd just be positing my amateur theory,

just like everybody else has. Just do it, do it. Part of my theory, I don't even have a theory. No, I probably do. I'm a true amateur alert. Okay. The people who get into porn are often come from really difficult family backgrounds,

either like an absent father or, you know, mom who partied with them. A lot of friends who are actresses in the porn business have told me like they did drugs with their mom. Or they come from like a tough, like religious background and they didn't have sex till they're 18. Anyway, there's just a lot of shame. So that is true, because that is sort of the stereotype, but I know if men is

here be like a lot of women and porn are just doing it. You know, they had effed up childhoods and whatever, not that you can't swear in the show, but we don't often swear. Okay. But no, that effed up childhoods or whatever, and you've found that to be true, that a lot of the women who are acting in these porn films do come from sort of more sketchier background. Oh, yeah. Well, there's always exceptions that'll prove the rule, but I would say from the women that

I've found and tried to date sometimes, you know, it's difficult to create that trust bond. Anyway, that leads to people who may even seek out atmospheres on set that are more degrading because there's this draw towards retraumatization that I found in porn. Right, okay. Yeah.

So what kind of porn are you interested in now, would you say? I'm not. I hate porn. I hate porn now, exactly. No. It seems like you've gone through all of them sort of making your... Like the phases? Yeah, all the phases of porn.

Yeah, it's been 10 years, you know, that I've been very involved in the skin industry. And now I'm starting to come out and feel like, how can I affect a positive change outside of smut, but at the same time, speak to the large level of interest that is available for around sex. Right. I mean, what do you think about the Internet and ports? So you were working at, right, in 2000 when it was really exploding, right, online porn act.

So what do you think about the reach that's had on our culture right now, that you can access porn and young people are learning a lot about sex, what I think is problematic in many ways. I'm bummed about it because I'm an old time crotchety, purist about movies should, porn movies should have like 80 minutes to them and five scenes and an attempt at a plot

because it's so campy and delicious. Now it's mostly scenes that get produced and it's like the com shot you mean? They're just like let's just get right to that shot or- They're just mostly like a one scene, one sex pairing. It's not we're really not using the movie as a model except for these satire movies that I'm a reference before. So there's less art I think think, involved in the point in the Stravees days. Which is what you started out to do, and why you started out into it to be this artist

and you feel like it hasn't really, do you think it'll ever happen? It's pretty difficult. I think it's pretty difficult to create like a convincing narrative when 60 to 75% of your screen time is dedicated to people having penetrative sex. Right. The story doesn't move on. And that's the real handicap that, you know, filmmakers good and bad are faced with when they have to go out and create a sex film. I thought you did something noble. That's where you started, even though that's not where you ended up, that you wanted to make this different kind of porn.

Thank you. I can see there's this underlying subtext. You're like, Sam, don't feel bad about yourself, man. No, I know because I'm so, I guess I've been through that too in my 20s. I had a different struggle, but I was very much like searching. I'm a seeker. I'm a surger. Like I'm always trying to figure things figure myself out and how do I factor into this? And you know, I just have always been on this journey of figuring out like who I am through using other tool, like I worked in politics for a while and I you know, working in sex and looking at your answer, I'm like, don't be sorry. Yeah, I recognize that don't be hard because we're also hard on ourselves. We all think we should be doing something better. We're not good enough at anything that we do.

And I'm just saying you're doing a good job and you wrote a really good memoir. Thank you. I appreciate your support. I'm a and approval of my porn journey. I do. I told you I don't judge and the least judgmental percent. When I was younger and I was really involved in it up to my neck, I felt like there was like 10% of women are 15% that I would meet with have this like approval thing. Yeah, do your own thing. And then like the rest of them would kind of be like look at me. You're on the wrong. You're on the other side. You put a sign for the other team. And then I think, did you think of the time that this isn't the woman for me? Like if a guy doesn't approve of what I'm doing now, tag him at sex and I just think you're not

the guy for me. I did. But I tell you what, it was difficult to date while I was involved in the point. I was going to ask you about that. That's pretty hard. So it was just because we would you like not tell them what you did. We're like, I'm in the movie industry. No, I have an honesty disease. So I'd like tell them right away, like total idiot in the bar. So I'd be like, what do you do? And then I'd open up for this like 15 minute monologue. But why you were doing it?

Yeah. Why I felt good. And I was like, stay away from me basically. Right, right. We really thinking that like, because you were so conflicted, like the guilt, like you talk about a lot about like the guilt and the, you know, the pleasure and the guilt,

like that whole conundrum. And I think a lot of men can relate to that watching porn and then feeling super guilty after or making porn even within your case and feeling guilty. So what do you think it is about that internal struggle that people have around porn? It's like you feel dirty, you feel good, you go back to it, you. Yeah, there's this like really degraded quality to the product that you're consuming and there's I think a Unconscious feeling of I deserve this right, you know like this is all this is all shit and This is me. This is gonna be like my This is my sex life that that I deserve and then if you go in you reiterate that feeling 20 times over if you if you rent 20 porn movies

Right. Well, what about the healthy the healthy impact of porn can you talk about that what do you think is like the positives I don't have any kids right you know there's a lot of time that I needed to have some sort of sexual experience needed okay what do you mean I just any guy any guy out there will let you know I'm going to not exist in a positive way I'm gonna go hit my head against a wall if I don't you know ejaculate it's a relief right so it's a rule It's awesome. It's that format like a studies it kept you know They say like it's men need it and and or you know

They need it for like a healthy release or for whatever it is more so than women and that women should kind of be more Understanding and more morex around their partners when they, you know, who are watching porn and they have. I've been so grateful so many times that porn exists, and I get to look at this incredible gorgeous body on a screen and I'm like, wow, because it lends a lot of specificity to this kind of amorphous fantasy that's bumping around

in your head and just kind of blows your mind. And yeah, I feel a lot of gratitude sometimes that sex films have been out there. Yeah, exactly. Now, I can totally get that. Plus, you get to see some really odd things sometimes. Some of it is okay, some of it is not okay, but it all has kind of like this documentary feel to it

that this is human sexuality writ large on a screen. And there's something special about that. I think so too. I mean, I think it can be a great way to learn about what turned you on and what doesn't. A horror movie has fake blood, but a porn movie don't have fake anything. Exactly. That's true.

That's true. How did you make any questions for your bi? I think you've really covered it. I mean, I feel like with porn, I don't know. Like my boyfriend, he showed me a video, kink.com video of your familiar, obviously. And it was this like bar trash video or this girl she like talked about her experience first that she like being like publicly beat and then like, faked pretty much. And it was like really, I don't know, but and he like he likes that kind of stuff and guys like

that kind of stuff. And like, is it like bad to like like that kind of stuff, you know to see a woman humiliated or be a non film? Or is it even bad for like a woman to like that? I mean if it's something that like People find desirable is it completely like terrible to put that in film right? Yeah, and see that's the cool thing about pornography is that either way that you come out on the side of that ethical, you know, conundrum Point is so provocative that it brought up that point, you know, it gets it gets kind of gets the mind moving Yeah, absolutely and I think that I don't know I guess I always think about the women we've a lot of listeners meant male listeners to the show and then I and I do get a lot of

Emails from women who are you know conflicted by it and they say, I don't understand why my partner were having great sex. Why does he even need porn? What is the reason if we're together? Does it mean that he wants me to have blonde hair and fake boobs? No, he just wants to. How do you explain that to the women? He wants 10 women, a guy wants a hair.

He wants a variety. The cool thing about pornography is that he can just have you. Right. And he can have his fantasy life. Right. And the fantasy life is completely healthy for men and for women. I think that's why women are getting a lot more

in the last decade. There's been so much porn. Especially I guess we live in the Bay Area. But it seems like there's so much porn here for women. Like there's a lot of women I know who are just making porn. And so it's like, it's equal. It's a rich porn. It's a rich porn. A lot of women love gay porn. A lot of my friends, like a lot of women I know who are just making porn so it's like it's equal It's a rich porn opportunity a lot of women love gay porn a lot of my friends like a lot I've never been to a lot of penises. You get one two for your money

Yeah, and it's more focused on the men and porn like a lot of the guys are just like these big guys That are not really that appealing for women a lot of the time. Do you get turned on by gay porn? I've seen it a couple times and I've liked it. I don't know, I'm not really that into porn, but I'll watch it for a boyfriend once and a while. But I think it's healthy. I think a couple sometimes can come together over porn rather than battling each other over that,

not that the man can't still have his experience on his own, but it can be a healthy tool on relationships. What do you, would be the perfect porn now? What do you want out of it? Oh my God, I have more plots, I think. I get into the plots and the characters. I'm a check. It aren't most checks down with plots.

So I think like what kind of a plot would be sexy to you? Oh God, you know, seduction, teasing, cheating, boyfriend. Not cheating. Ask me some questions that I can answer. That's easier that way. That you pay my perfect porn. Ask me. Let's see. Do you like like the cop scenario,

like pulling you over kind of abusing his power, that type of thing? That'd be hot. Yeah, I can get into that. Okay, the cop. Let's paint a picture with that. So do you want just the guy or do you want the cop to have like a female counterpart in the, you know,

like that'd be kind of hot. Yeah, a little through some action going on in the back of the car. Yeah, I could see that. So we have that power dynamic and that's like a big kind of hot. Yeah a little through some action going on I'm about to go on a part. Yeah, I could see that so we have that power dynamic And that's like a big part of the porn house Do you want some humor laid in there? Sure. I'm funny. Okay. I'll be humor. Yeah. Oh my in the point I'm in the porn. I'm in the porn. It's not even a point I'm watching Like I'm because of my head. I'm going. Oh my god. The cops pulling me over this is what he looks like the woman is a blonde for some reason

Like I already gone Total opposite of me. OK, awesome. Yeah, that's what I would like. And then in terms of the graphicness of your porno, do you want like it to be soft-cored? Do you want to see some penetration in your? Yeah, for sure.

I want some penetration. How much? A lot of penetration. I want teasing. I want a lot of oral sacks, a lot of foreplay. Maybe be tied up. Well, they've got their cops. They could put it in handcuffs. Okay, can you direct this for me? This is good. I'm direct directing it right now. Okay. No in terms of the com shot

We're coming to already like do women want to see this like really graphic thing or do they want it to be like implied with music and stuff? Yeah, I don't love to see the I don't love the com shot on the fake like to me. It's like too much I don't know I does that doesn't turn me on that's part of the body Maybe like stomach or stomach or yeah, breath but like on the face and that that I would be opposed to that I don't know I did that that's not really necessarily what turns it is a strange thing that's cropped up You know in the past like 10 years or maybe like 15 years like talking about anthropological type of like why is it? Why did that happen and why is it like it's in every point now, every scene. Right, what the, the concept facial?

Mm-hmm. Why is that? Because it's more about the, I mean, it's more like the power trap, right? It's about the power and degree. My friend Brandon, yeah, exactly. My friend Brandon Irons is like, you see a woman and he has the issues.

Right. But he's so, he's awesome. He's like, and her face is so beautiful. And you're just like, I want to make you a little less beautiful. That's a great explanation of it. I love it. Right. A little less beautiful with my calm all over your face. Exactly. This is awesome, Sam. Thank you so much for coming around the show. This has been great. Sam's book, Sam Benjamin. It's American gang, Bane gang, Bane. A love story. It's interesting title love story, it's American gang-bang, gang-bang, a love story. It's interesting title, love story, because it doesn't really feel like a love story.

It's your love hate story, really. But I like that, you know, play on it. But it is sort of a love hate story that you have in your own personal dream. But can I ask you that question again that I prematurely ejaculated on you earlier when you say that it presented me with a vision of myself that I didn't like much or respect. So just at the end, like you're, you didn't really love who you were when you were in it.

But now looking back on it, it was like a good, like you went through it. Glad I did it. I'm glad I got out when I did, you know, when the challenge started to be over and, you know, and you produced art. Yeah, here comes the art.

I'm trying to make art. This is art. This book is art and it's's great, it's a great, it's a great, that's a great read. Right, no, don't do it yourself out for it. It's art, it's a book. What's the next for you? I'm ghost writing a book this hopefully this year,

you know, it's a gig and then I would like to write another book. I read it in the movie that you said that you like to get into something else, like another industry, not porn again, obviously you've been there, done that, but maybe get into something else. I have an idea to write a book about the the neo hippie movement and like try to try to see what's been going on specifically in the

last like five to ten years. Okay the neo hippie movement explain. Well like what's going on at the rainbow gatherings in Costa Rica and what's what's happening at the pot farms in Mendo County? What's going on at the Estonian Institute? Yeah, I saw your video at the Estonian Institute. That's a great place. Best. Love it. Okay.

Well, thank you, Stan Benjamin. Thanks everyone for listening to, and you can find your book on Amazon. And we're else. You said your bookstores. Books are just Google it. American McGangway, and you can buy everyone knows how to work the interweb these days, right? Okay.

Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. You can find us on Facebook and Twitter, Sex with Emily and on Instagram now. Thanks so much for listening to Show, was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemely.com.