Sex With Emily - SWE: Bend over Boyfriend

Episode Date: February 7, 2012

Guest Carol Queen talks about Bend over Boyfriend and first time anal sex tips. Is anal the new blow job? Emily and Carol discuss antique vibrators. Carol’s first vibrator was a Swedish massager she stole from her father’s barber supplies. In the Victorian Era, vibrators looked like dryers and were used to treat hysteria -- a made up illness assigned to bored, sexually unsatisfied housewives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Evelyn You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. Oh my the The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks. And we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm off here. So, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemely.com where you can listen to all of our podcasts and we guarantee you that your sex life will improve when you listen to sex with Emily. That's just how it happens, right, Mountain? Yes, it will. I know.

We love it. Sorry. I'm using different microphones today, so I'm just suggesting. Oh, you are. I'm just going for you. A little weird, but I can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it.

I can handle it. I can handle it. Today's show, we have, if you're watching us, because as you know, you can watch our show, you can listen to our show, you can do lots of different things with our show. I have Carol Queen sitting here, and Carol Queen is a sexologist. She's a writer and a speaker.

She's the staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, which is one of the most amazing stories that you've ever been to in San Francisco and Boston, and now Oakland and Berkeley. And she is, I feel like you've been a mentor to me. And I, the first time Carol was on the show, it was probably about six years ago when I was nervous and still get a little, she knows everything about your kitchen table. I think it was your kitchen table.

I feel like I know you. I've heard so much about you all the time. You have, but she was on the show when we were live, right? Yeah, no, you talk about her all the time. I know. I do talk about you all the time. So I'm just so always so honored when you make the time to be on the show and we were live, right? Yeah, no, you talk about her all the time. I know. I do talk a lot about her all the time. So I'm just so, always so honored when you make the time to be on the show. I'm so happy to be here. And it's also, to be honest, a little easier for me. Because there's lots of questions that come in.

We got emails, we got news, and she's got, and she knows a lot about a lot of things. Probably about everything. So we're going to have fun today, and we're just going to be talking about, we're going to kind of narrow, we're going to talk a little about anal sex. But we've got a lot of letters from listeners, emails, we've got sex in the news,

menace and I are gonna catch up here on our weekend. Did you watch the Super Bowl? Did you? No, yes. I was at a Super Bowl party. I didn't actually watch it. Yeah, you're one of those people that show up to the party and don't care about it. I was actually on my laptop all the time. Did you watch it? Yeah, of course I watched it. Of course she did. I really enjoyed the half time show with Madonna. Did you think it was good?

It was okay. The reason I really enjoyed it is because you're probably doing caches, but MIA flipped off the camera. Yeah, I didn't see it. Yeah, oh my god. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sure the FCC is gonna have a feel. Oh, yeah.

Why would she slip off the key? Why do you want to do that? Because she's, she, I don't know if you know anything about MIA, but she really doesn't give a net about any. Right, right, right. She's really, she's like, here's that one opportunity. And she, after America, dumb. I don't know, anything like that happens.

That she's, you know know out there and trying to turn message, but she's young and it's why it's stupid thing. Yeah. And what sucks is when stuff like that happens, like what should it happen with, you know, Jan, Jan Jackson. For some reason, with FCC, radio just becomes the whipping boy. Like even though that happened on television, the regulations that come down after that is just so hardcore on to radio. I know, well, radio's tough. Yeah.

We used to be live on the radio, we did our masturbation show, we couldn't say masturbation more than 15 times. Yeah. I mean, more than once every 15 minutes, so then we had to use all the euphemisms for masturbation, which is actually kind of fun. We're like, fortunately, there are many of them. There are many.

So when you were bopping your baloney, like, but yeah, there are so many regulations, we're like, we don't have that now. We can do it ever the hell we want. Yeah, masturbation, masturbation, masturbation. Exactly. And the sucks is because I was the guy that was controlling all that stuff and I had to hit the button to censor it.

And she would lose her mind. I'm like, this is the time. I wasn't good at it. At all. She would be like, what do you mean? You can't say blowjob. I can her mind. I'm like, this is the time. I wasn't good at it. At all. You're like, what do you mean, you can't say blowjob. I can't say. And then I'll be like, and then I would hit the button and she goes, what, you can't say blowjob,

she'll say it again, I have to hit the button. It would, seriously. That's a good time, man. It took years off in my life. Well, the thing is though, I think it's good for people to remember out in listener land that we really do live in a country that Tweaks out about these kinds of things

You have to know every once in a while a little reminder It's in a call like page eight or something like that in Europe where it's just a regular newspaper and then on the age page There's this pornography are there's you know naked ladies. Yeah, I don't know. Probably that doesn't surprise me. No, I think it is no no We're just you know well over here. Oh my god. We're just a country of conflict the cold gay bridge would fall down and you know Everything would crumble around us if there was a nude woman in the newspaper. I know exactly The thing I got to talk about real quickly though is that this is we're kicking off Carol Queen is so great that you're here because you're kicking off our Valentine's Day two weeks basically or not even two weeks now.

We've got like 10 days, right? We're having a huge Valentine's spread the love contest and to celebrate, we're giving a basket, a premium toys and products as grand prizes as well as smaller prizes. So you can get the most out of Valentine's Day and night. And there are two ways to enter. You can enter as many times as you wish. First, you follow us on Twitter, Facebook, sex with Emily.

And all you have to do is so simple, is retweet us or reshare our posts. And the more you do that, the more times you get entered to win. And good vibrations. Just I just got an amazing box of stuff of them to give away. The millinos how to do it. Camilla, it's like these beautiful

Valentine's Day baskets. And my entire office is sex toys right now that we are giving away. So all you got, that's how you got to do to enter. We just want you to retweet and reshare and do all that stuff and we'll pick a winner. That way, no matter what your Valentine's Day

looks like partner wise, you can still have a lovely sexy Valentine's Day. I think that's quite fabulous. We should talk about that too because it's true that Valentine's Day is so what if you don't have a partner, it doesn't mean like, we don't really need to do. Like, love yourself. Have some fun. Love the one you're with, people. Love the one you're with.

You can get all the information at sexathamely.com. Oh, it's at sexathamely.com. Exactly. We have a banner up now that says valentines they give away. What? Which would have been easier than me explaining it is what you're saying, menace. No, I just trying to say it's, you know, people might not have a pen on hand to get all the information. So how was your mom? I need to know. It was cool. It was, it was cool hanging out with my mom over the weekend. Yeah. We went back to our hometown in the Bay Area, which is New

or California. And she went off and hung out with her friends. And I drove around my town and it was kind of depressing. Yeah. Because none of my friends stayed there. Unlike you say, and Michigan and a lot of your friends stayed there and got married. Yeah. My friends just up and left. They're all

over the country and it was just okay. I drove around my neighborhood really quick. It's not that big and nothing really after that. So luckily I called some friends that were outside the area. And it's funny because I get to see how suburban life is when you do that. Right right and what people do on a Saturday And they all just hang out in the house and this drinking go crazy They do oh yeah, they drink in their house I thought they go to the malls and watch movies. It was beautiful like weather outside

So everyone were just like out on the patio outside drinking. They weren't inside drinking all the stuff It's better if it's sunny at least if you're gonna be drinking all day and it's sunny, you should be outside. And this guy whose house we're at, he's a doctor. And apparently I met this guy before, and maybe when I was intoxicated, because I have no idea who he was. But he knew who I was. And he's like, oh man, come on, come out here. And we go out to his garage.

And he has this souped up Porsche. It's like a $ and forty thousand dollar Porsche This crazy fast and he's like here man. You want to drive it? I'm like no, I'm cool And he's like come on. Let's let's take it right. I'm like I don't really want to next thing No, we're like out on the street going like over a hundred plus miles an hour And I drive like a grandma so I'm like crappin my pants entire time like why do guys do that? You're dude. I don't know. I'm like crapping my pants entire time. Like why do guys do that? You're a dude, I don't know.

I'm just not into that. You got into the fest. Are you impressed by that? No, no, no, no. Are do you know if females are impressed by guys are driving the heart? No, that scares the crowd. That scares the crowd.

I was like, I thought I was gonna die. I think some people have a little fetish for speed. Actually, there's like the physical sensation for them is exciting in a way that can merge into erotically exciting, which I guess is where the dates come from or end up or something with fast cars as a chick mac. Exactly. There are a lot of chicks. I'm just not, I'm not into the guy with the car. I've never been that kind of girl, but I could see that that being like a total appendisiac woman right not me not you honey. I was totally flaccid during that whole

heart. I'm so yeah. I didn't like it. Was your mom with you there? No, no, she's out. She's friends. Okay. So I was hanging out with some of my friends. And so over the so that's what happened to me over the weekend, but can I go to something really quick? Yes, I heard you talking about before we started the show was that antique antique Yes, I actually we were hanging out there not too long ago Good vibrations good vibrations when I was doing the kissing workshop. Yeah, that was on was Polk Street Polk Street and I I took a picture of the, it says antique vibrator museum on the door.

It took a picture of that and it was very popular online. I am so glad to hear that because you know actually it won't be, good vibes already has our antique vibrator museum, which is in almost all of our stores. Several shelves of antique vibrators are on display. But sometimes people want more of a museum just like that. And so that is in the works right now. I love that.

Go on a little though. I feel like I have some antique vibrators, but they're probably not really. Well, I want to say that those of us who are over some age, some of our first vibrators, if they still are, it might be antiques by now, certainly mine. Right. Because, in fact, my first vibrator was an antique because I

stole it from my parents, haul closet, and it was made at the latest in the early 1950s, possibly earlier. Wow. And because my dad was a barber in the early 1950s, and they used to go, right, right to give you a little hair head massage, the guys, with these Swedish massagers that go on the back of your hand, strap on there,

and then make your whole hand vibrate. So that was my first time. How did you know to do that? I read an article in, I believe it was Madame Waselle. Think that's the magazine it was Madame Waselle. Okay. I think that's the magazine it was in. In 1973, featuring Betty Dodson, talking about vibrators, the earliest, I think the earliest one, like that, that there was, I stumbled upon it.

I was like, I think that thing down in the whole closet might be a vibrant, because you know, as a kid, I looked all over. Right. That was about, what, I was maybe 14 when I grabbed it and they never asked for it back, which is super sad. Well, thank God, but also super sad, because that probably means that they had not discovered

it's charm. Exactly. If my orgasm machine went missing from the hall closet, if I had any kids, I wouldn't tear get the kids immediately. Exactly. Like after checking to see if the house had been broken into it. Right. I would go and tear get the kids.

Exactly. But no. They never, they never, most people don't look like that. Right. Yeah. Some of the stuff I saw looked medieval. Not quite. Not quite. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but guys. Early 20th century. Yeah, it looked like you were recovering it

from the 1906 Earth. What kind of things could have been, as a matter of fact, yeah. What are the antique vibrators? What do they look like? Okay, so, well, they, if you can imagine what a drill would have looked like in 1905 without a drill bit. Okay. Or a hairdryer would have looked like in 1905.

And then you put a little round ball on the end. That's kind of what the really old ones tend to look like. It definitely looks like you're here today. Hold them in your hand. It has kind of a little protruding nose. There's usually a ball or a disc on the end. And vibrators were used in the late 19th century electric vibrators. And before that hand crank ones. crazy, like your great grandma's thing that she whipped cream within the kitchen in the 1950s, like that, were used on women who had been diagnosed with hysteria, right, treat their hysteria with hysterical proxies of relief,

right, also known as, while that was a good orgasm. Right, exactly. And it did them a lot of good. And it made a lot of doctors, I think, fairly wealthy, probably because you had to come back every week or so, right? Oh, yeah, I come back every day, exactly. And after a while, vibrators began, they were available in the home.

You could get them through the mail order catalogs of all kinds. It was never, they were never talked the home. You could get them through the mail order catalogs, of all kinds. It was never, they were never talked about sex. They got that health, but the kind of health that you could get from them, in many cases, involved the literal stimulation. So if that sex, or if it's not, whatever, that kind of health. And it wasn't until the 1920s or so

when they started showing up in blue movies. Right. That the jig was up and about a decade later doctors kind of stopped using them in their offices. Oh, they were so disappointed. In 1952, they voted hysteria out of the medical books. They did, they said it is no longer a disease. And hysteria had been considered a disease since at least the time of Galen.

Wow. The great Greek physician before the common era. So why did they rule out a hysteria for women? I've read about that so many times. I've heard about it. But why do they just say that it doesn't need an orgasm? They just... Well, that would imply that women had sexual needs comparable to men.

Right. That wasn't believed. Right. Right. Okay. And nor was it supported in general. I mean, almost certainly some of these doctors knew that it was an orgasm. And it looks likely that some of these doctors did not know that it was an orgasm. How will we not? There's not a ton of information about this.

But you know, if the doctors were writing up their notes, they weren't writing Gavre Big O'Lourgay's notes. That's exactly right. know, if if if the doctors were writing up their notes, they weren't writing gave her big ol' organ. Right. Exactly. Exactly. So it's not totally clear at a certain, I mean, hysteria was well established diagnosis. There was a point in the in the enlightenment era when a major European doctor and thinker said 75% of all cases of illness in the Western world are attributable to hysteria I mean, they totally believed in it and then all of a sudden 1952 boom. It's gone. There's no such thing anymore. Wow. That's crazy

I've been yeah, was there any like brands? That were brands of vibrators that came out like you would think oh You know mr. B. She had one like in 1930 but like you know a name brand that the brand that's the Hattachi we began to get access to Hattachi magic ones very very similar to the Hattachi that we know now pretty much the exact same thing in the 60s Hattachi same people who make rice cookers earth movers on your television yep yeah the H Hitachi, same people who make rice cookers, earth movers, and your television. Yep. The Hitachi corporations, same one.

Yes, absolutely. The big Japanese corporation, Hitachi, love them. And to answer your question, Menace Hamilton Beach, one of the first big companies, manufacturing electric goods that threw down with vibrators, right around the turn of the 20th century Many of the antique vibrators if you go dig around on eBay and you look you either look a vintage or antique vibrator or massager or quack medical. That's where you find them and

Because if of course they did away with the disease then anything that cured it where treated it would not be a legitimate medical item anymore. You'll find bunches of Hamilton Beach. There were several other companies early in the 20th century too, but that's one that we all, you know, we've seen a kitchen appliance with that name on it almost called. Exactly. So when is the Good Vibrations Museum going to be open? I don't know exactly, but it'll be within a couple of months. It'll be the spring sometime and it's very exciting, you know, we just opened a store in Oakland. oh Glendia crazy party. I was there that was so great that was Dense and we had candy birds from no housewives of Atlanta or hot Lanta as some people like to cut and People came out to see her

My god, I drove up and I was like there. I could not believe lying around the corner. I think I'm press. I would not have gotten in. I was like seriously. I could not believe it. I was so happy. Candy was on our show the day before. She was great. I heard she was wonderful. And I got one of her. I got one of her vibrators. One of her, they gave me at the store though, the lipstick. Which is perfect because those vibrators are connected up with your source of music. You can plug it into your MP3. It's like the other vibes of the partner.

Yeah, oh my bottom of the people who are actually making it. And then Candy designed a bunch of new styles of vibrator to go with that interface, which nobody has done. I think it's going to do really well. I'm very excited about that. That was a fun party. You love the one that looks like a compact, right? Yeah, that was a cool one.

It looks like a, like was a cool one. Yeah. It looks like a like a powder in your face. Yeah. Because it also you can put it over your hand. It has that the hand strap in a different way. I kind of liked it. I thought that was cool. Kind of like my original vibrator back in 1906. You were describing your original vibrator. I was thinking of Candie's hand puff. The style is called Swedish massager when it straps on the hand. Oh, candy is not Swedish. No, no, no, we know that but still. Okay, should we move on to a little bit of sex in the news? Just got a little bit today. Yeah, go for it. I didn't know if there was anything minus one of these you

actually sent to me. San Francisco called Best City to find a date. Awesome. I read the title on a shirt too right away. I know. Never fear San Francisco was deemed the best dating city in the country by dating site how about we.com. The site pairs singles by finding good matches between their proposed first date ideas rather than their personal profiles. San Francisco ranked first mainly because single two proposes dates in the city saw a 20% higher response rate than any other US city.

Because people are not dating. They're just hooking up on that. I don't know. How about we? They're proposing people who propose their dates in the city. I don't know. You think maybe they're hooking up,

but it's still a date to date. Who are you to say? No, okay. I guess so. I mean, I think it, when I think of a date, I don't think of just like hooking up or think of like, you know, like going out to dinner. Yeah, going out to dinner. That's a date. I don't think of just like hooking up. I think of like, you know, like going out to dinner. Yeah, go out to dinner.

Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't say that. It does not say it's your strategy. How about we just like grinder where they go? Okay, you want to hook up? We'll hook up, you know, I don't know. I just think it's good news for people who complain that every city day, they everywhere people go. They complain that it's the worst city day in New York Chicago. San Francisco L.A. So well, find out that we actually are good city. This should be uplifting. This is good news. We should raise the flags. This also implies that if you have a creative idea for a day, you could actually set yourself out from the crowd a little bit.

Right. You know, creative ideas, they're not a dime. It doesn't so good. No, they're not. So, go ahead. So, what if you're on a good creative date idea, Zaley? Well, there are so many things to do. I mean, if you feel like hooking up with someone,

you can go to interesting places to do that. So that would be a variant. You could, you could, you could mash this idea up. And, you know, and a lot of that would be sort of exhibitionism tinged as well. Of course, let's go do it on the Golden Gate Bridge. I'm sure that stops traffic. I suppose I should recommend that suppose I shouldn't recommend that. I don't recommend that.

And when I talk about exhibitionism, I always want to remind people to do it consensually, namely not in front of people who would be for a breakdown. Right. Because those are the people who write to the FCC and want to get MIA, et cetera, in trouble when they do, or you know, whether Janet Jackson wanted to have the nipple malfunction or not, the nipple ring malfunction. Clearly, it brought those people out of the woodwork and if they were not bothered all the time, perhaps they would stay in the woodwork and enjoy themselves doing

whatever they like to do and let those of us who want to go fool around and go go and get bridge to it. Exactly. Those people need to have sex. The ones that are so tight. Exactly. Or they probably, they do. They always come out as they're the ones that are like, super crazy sex addicts. The ones that are so anti-sex. Exactly. Because they're worried about being triggered.

Is that what you're thinking? Well, that's an interesting theory. Perhaps, perhaps. It's true. I had a theory called, calling people absexuals, ABsexual who didn't want anything to do with this terrible pornography and homosexuality and everything else, but who can't stop talking about,

can't stop. Because they're the ones who are probably repressing, they're probably the ones who are watching right now. Are you mean to be made for that, although testing this is really, really hard. What is testing it yet? Well, yeah, you can't just do a double blind study and stuff stuff like that But control factors, but you understand that that that it usually is like the Republican who is is is going

You know ever you know knocking down anti, you know or gay legislation is usually the one who's you know was in the bathroom with the With the guy getting this whatever. Okay, so MIA flips bigger during halftime show. I didn't see it. I wasn't really paying attention. Did you see it? Yeah, I saw it right when it happened. She was like that, like for how long? I'm like, me.

I'm really quick. And then they try to blur it out. Thank you. Oh yeah, Madonna, she kind of slipped. But I still, I mean, she wasn't the best dancer on there, but there was still some things that she did was kind of kind of risky she like moves to do like she did like this part wheels and stuff like that I get she always did risky stuff like that right yeah I remember during the MTV movie where she was I don't know

what you call it but kind of like a gaysha, but she looked like an English gaysha, whatever the way that she was dressed up. But she did so, she did a trick on there that I would, I will never forget. She had one of those fans, and she flipped the fan in mid-air and caught it again. Wow. I think that's pretty risky.

The flip of fan like that, and then be able to catch it right away. That is good on Flip all around and she's rig on bleachers and six and shields. I mean, you know It was gone to watch. Yeah, it's pretty she seemed a little tame though She's kind of moving that so I'm saying that she wasn't really like She doesn't really have her dance moves in I know I just I think I know she has them I think she's just chilling. She's like 50 something good for her Whatever she left amazing, but how much sex was going on during the football extravaganza?

I don't think very much. Why? But I think there was maybe a lot of hooking up afterwards. Why do you think? Because everyone's drunk? Oh, yeah. I was before the game even started. I was walking around the city. And you would think it was Las Vegas.

Like everybody had beers in hand. Everyone was, oh, you know, holding six bags. It's walking around. And I saw like some beautiful women right outside the bar, and they're just like chopping it up already super wasted, talking to guys and stuff like that. All these people are gonna be hooking up after.

Yeah, probably. There's probably a little hook up. I have however it did not, but I understand that people do. And the thought of being able to bar though with people watching a game and yelling it smells like beer makes me hate that. Yeah, I do want to remind everyone, although, you know, awesome super bowl is obviously

a holiday for many people and gets people very excited. And and and and excitability of any kind can lead to people wanting to hook up. Or, or, you know, have sex with their partners or whatever. But I just want to remind everybody, you don't have to get drunk to have sex. I just want to remind people. I probably believe that. Because there are people who forget that. Menus forget that sometimes.

Sometimes. Sometimes being in an alcohol-soaked environment is conducive. But then you don't necessarily have the best sex, nor do you have the best recollection of the sex you had, which if it wasn't that good maybe is a blessing, but on the other hand, nor do you have the best recollection of the sex you had, which if it wasn't that good maybe is a blessing, but on the other hand don't you want to keep track of yourself when you're doing these things, I would think.

I don't know. Just a sexologist talking here. I'm working on it with menace. I was building a table while the Super Bowl was going on. Okay, so you were done with a table set. No, I was just like, screwing everything together throwing everything. Yeah, I was still screwing things. Yeah, I made two. It wasn't Ikea. It was Tarje. And I had some, some chairs and everything. I got blisters on my hand. I was

working so hard. Oh, that's hot. That was my super time while everyone else was partying. Sounds good. I was at a party where I was only the stuff I for five minutes. I stayed for an hour and a half, but I ended up working on my left half the whole time. So I kind of missed the game. Everyone thought you were a downer because I was partying. No, it was like my best friends. Like there was a really fun party. And the guy guys love you. Me and it got to go to the table. I had to get this thing done. But okay, let's move into the me. Well, all right. Okay. but okay, let's move into the meanwhile. Okay. Dear Emily, I stumbled upon your podcast last night,

downloaded a bunch, and literally spent the last nine hours stay listening, laughing, and nodding my head in agreement. I'm fortunate enough to have a job where I sit at a microscope, grating diamonds, and can veg out with headphones on. My boyfriend of a few years tinkers on the verge of sex addiction, and I'm lucky enough that he's addicted to having it with just me, but sometimes it's overwhelming, and I feel a lot of pressure to have sex just

to meet his needs and keep him happy. I enjoy sex but don't need it nearly as often as he does and it sometimes creates a lot of anxiety. We've talked it at many times for pretty good at the communication is a lubrication. But how do you come to a compromise when one person wants it once a day and the other person wants it once a week if that I feel like this issue Sex is the only road up. We've consistently come to every few months and I'm not sure what to do I could just suck it up and get down and dirty more often But I feel that I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons and in the end might resent him for good getting it his way And he suggestions love your show and can't wait for another full day of you on Monday

There's no name attached anonymous Thank you for finding the show. Thank you so much for finding what you were typing in. Oh yeah we always want to know when you email us. We want to know exactly how you're on the show. But how you listen to us and how you found us. Just let us know. So what do you think about this? I'm sure you talk a lot about like sex addiction and the mis-mesal beatos and what would you say, Carol? Well, I think, in my world, that wanting to have sex once a day is not necessarily sex addiction. It's being in the throes of heavy desire,

relatively early in a relationship. I mean, it doesn't sound like this person has been with this person for 15 or 20 years. It's a little newer than that. And I think that while people should not have sex when they don't want to have sex, I also think that encouraging partner to take things well in hand and maybe, you know, buying him a special toy for the purpose or something like that so that he knows he's got your blessing. And really trying to bring your desire when you can

and not just do it for the wrong reasons, but also it sounds like she feels like he's getting his needs met and she's not feeling like she's getting her needs met. Exactly. I want to know what she would like to be doing differently that boyfriend and she are not doing. And I would like to see more of that in bed.

And then I think she'd like going to bed quicker. This is one of the most common, common issues that sex therapists see in couples. It's desire discrepancy. It's so, so common. It's so, so common. It's so, so common. Exactly. Like, right.

How do you, and it is all about talking. She says they're going to talk, but maybe they're just not having the right conversation about what she needs. Okay. Thank you. I agree. Okay. Kagle exercises.

So funny story. I found out about the, I found out about the Kagle on my own. I was having sex and I'm the farthest from on responsive. I tensed a lot and my guy loved it. It took me a while to be able to control it, but with practice, I'm now able to tighten around and whenever I feel like it. We've kind of made it a game. Hopefully, penetrate me, and at nine inches, it's bliss.

I'll tighten around and when he jerks inside me, we keep doing this until one of us can't control ourselves anymore. It's really spice of our sex life. I hope this helps. Savon King from Modesto. She's been retweeting us a lot for the contest. Yeah, we were probably talking about Kegel Camp.

I have an app for the iPhone called Kegel Camp. It reminds you, we have an update. It's updating next week. We have an update. Everyone, there's been some issues with Kegel Camp. Not issues, just people wanted updates. They want a more levels. They want a more challenges. And we are re-releasing it next week. On iTunes, you will get updates or you can just buy it. So it tells people when it's time to do their Kegel. Yes, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says, it says. You will get updates or you can just buy it. So it tells people when it's time to do their cables.

Yes, it says, it says, great. It says time for KIDLECAMP. And it's a really cool app. I'll show it to you. And then it's my voice walking you through like 10s. Oh, you have it on your phone? Yeah, I've finally got it.

Really? I just got an iPhone. You know how long she had her app out and without her iPhone, oh wow. Yeah, crazy. That is fabulous thing. I can't see. Oh.

How do you make it talk for your way of men? That's what you do. Miranda, do you? Very nice. That's fun. So anyway, kegels are important. Kegels are so important for men and women. And it's amazing how many men.

Because you were like, oh, that's for women. But men can really, I mean, all the time, men can, we can, can, men can improve from doing kegels. What was that mean? So they, um, that sounds, that sounds. That sounds okay, thanks, man, I appreciate it. See, relax. Anyway, yeah, you want to tell people I'm so glad that you're telling people to relax, not just to squeeze down, because if all you do is just 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, of muscle, it is, that's, you don't get the full function of the muscle.

But I'm not guessing people. I mean, how much can keglock should help men, for example? They can make a difference in how firm the erection a man gets might be. They can probably make some difference if not a lot of difference in how long a guy can last. Yes. How much control he has. Yes. And one of the things about kegels that is a little bit, we talk about that kind of stuff.

It's the degree of strength, of squeeze of those muscles when you have an orgasm. That's the kegel muscles that you're feeling pulsing during orgasm. So if you have woosey little orgasms, it's almost certainly, like if you don't have any orgasms at all, there may be more going on than just kegels. But if you're having woosey little orgasms, kegels are one of the main things that you could do to improve them. That and go longer in your stimulation before you actually extend the time that you're actually standing.

They're amazing. I'm going to start doing my kegel and kegGo Camp now that I have now. Let's do that now. Let's do that. All right, listeners. Let's do them. Let's do them. Tense. Relax.

OK. We'll move on. Emily, can't tell you how much I love your show. In fact, I think I'm totally addicted. I listened through iTunes podcasts in my car on the way to work each day. Farmer and Farmer have been entertaining in the crap on the radio.

We get down under. Just had to write as I listen to the January 31st bittersweet show that was all over the place at the start, which was fantastic. And totally entertaining. And then one of the most moving moments I've ever experienced as you read the message from a listener that had sacked you this way for the last time.

It was truly moving. In fact, I tears really down my face while striving. And I really felt for you, a man, that's having to do it live. The show was cut short, which I think was appropriate and honorable. I thank you for your commitment and your dedication at most of all your connection with your listeners. You are truly magnificent. That's so sweet. All the best. Andrew from Queensland, Australia. He's a freemium. He's a friend. He's a friend's with benefits member. We so appreciate that. That's awesome. Yes, men is rocks. Thank you. Always keeps it real. You guys make an amazing team. Keep up the outstanding work.

So we had this email Carol last week and it was very touching and I hadn't read it the full email beforehand. I'm gonna admit it. I was just reading it and the sky said that he was listening to my show his wife at Cancer and he had been listening to my show about the time it was from years ago that he was listening to my show, his wife had cancer. And he had been listening to my show about the time, it was from years ago, about the top turn-ons for men and women. And I was saying something about like strip-do-stripties, I think, was one of them.

And he said, well, it was for men who wanted the strip-tees, but I did it for her. And he did a strip-tease for her. And it was the last time they had sex, and it was really good and sex. And then she died. And so we were reading it. And we were like, oh, we didn't know.

It's sad. I know. It's a bittersweet. I know. So, yeah. But thanks. Oh, and then can I see something real quick on Friday? Once a while I do these things on Twitter and I say,

hey, for the next 30 minutes, I'm going to reply to every single message I get. And last Friday, I had a ton of sex of them and listeners hit me up Really what they said what they ask you they're just asking me about you and about the show and stuff like that So it was it was really cool. So anytime I do that feel free to What they ask you give me example that was on Friday gosh you think you remember I don't know how come the same question how come you and I don't date oh

How's Emily and real life? She it's all about what they said about her not about Well honey, that's my ego it helps. Yes, you love it. But anyways. Yeah, you should do that too Just you know, that's a good thing to do is if you're sitting at the computer to say hey I'm gonna reply back to every single message for the next 30 minutes. And how many people does it? Really? That's amazing. Okay. It's really fun. I like it. But you know you can't.

It's Q&A. Yeah. Okay. Carol, this keeps coming up. Anel sex question. I just thought you'd be the right person. Anel sex is so hot right now. And really, in the media and stuff like that, it is. Why? It's in.

It's in. It's so in. Like my friend just said Anel's a new blow job. And I was like, well It is. Why? It's in. It's so in. Like my friend just said, anal's a new blow job. And I was like, well, I mean, they're both around. I don't know about that, but no, but it's in the sense of it's like, it is been a few years. Talk about it.

Talk about it. You know, question people one, you know, like I was the friend in Michigan and you know, people in Michigan are a little more conservative. And he was like, what's this? He's just newly divorced after married 15 years. And he's like, I have one question for you. Why do all the girls want to be in sex? He's like, I after married 15 years. And he's like, I have one question for you. Why do all the girls want to be ill sex? He's like, I don't get it. So all the women.

So, um, so what are your suggestions? Like, first off, what do you think that is? Do you think it's pornography? Do you think it's, I mean, it's been around, obviously. It certainly has been around. I think, uh, probably for millennia. Exactly. And of course, of course almost everyone has an anus and anus is virtually surrounded and with nerve endings so there are many reasons why people like anal sex and one of them actually is because for some people it's an

alternative method of birth control. I want to say while I'm saying that that it's not necessarily a safer sex form of birth control. Right. Uh, want to say while I'm saying that, that it's not necessarily a safer sex form of birth control. Right. Right. Depending on what kind of kudis one person might have and give to the other, that's always a possibility. Not to cut you off, but that's so funny that you say that because I never believe this, but there's such a, there's a huge rumor that in Brazil, like Brazilian women, they'll

like let you have anal sex with them, but you can't do regular sex because they won't do it before marriage. I've heard about that in other places too, and that is almost certainly, you know, it may probably not ubiquitous in some cultures, but it's you see it and you see it in the US too. in well in the US I hear I hear it's reverse They call it the marriage hole the way they way they save it from marriage Is that one of those you know put a ring on it, and then Yeah, I think Funny that's funny. This is what I hear on the streets. Well, and I also think that there's there's there's a there's a good deal of

You're just sort of social buzz that happens around sexuality always did. I think it's partly porn, but I think that's only porn. I think that individual people watching porn solo or maybe in their couples don't all light on fire with something all at the same time because there's been a lot of anal sex and porn for at least 20 years. So it's not like somebody just started

to put lots of anal sex and porn. It's been there. Okay. So what are your suggestions for trying it out for the first time? Let's say a man and woman. We'll start with that. Well, I think that This is actually what I'm about to say is gonna be relevant for any gender combination or even somebody deciding that they want to buy the cell phone. I want to get that to curalsiveness for a bend over boyfriend. Yes, but let me start, but let me start by saying that there are three main things to think about when you're thinking about starting to do anal sex or even you know, you've done it before, but you're going to do it again. Right. And one

of them is that the person who is being inserted into Analy is God to be relaxed. The genus does tighten up. Many people have heard that anal sex always hurts. And in fact, a lot of porn, written porn and stuff, and some porn that you would see and video wise, tries to just sort of take that and turn it into an erotic plot point and make it be

hot in an SM kind of way. That's not what I would recommend at first. If you want to have pain that's hot in an SM kind of way, great. But learn how to do it without pain first, because pain with anal sex is a signal that there is some damage happening, something's going wrong. It's not supposed to hurt badly at all. Okay. So one of the ways that you can guarantee that it will be that will it will hurt less is by using a lubricant. Lube. And a lot of lube is not spit. I've met some people who just just get some

lube. Spice. Get some lube. And don't get one of those little tiny packages of lube. Get it darn bottle of lube. If I look a pump on it or something. And the pump lubs. The pump lubs are great. I got a gasoline truck. Nice. You know, they should actually make a lube dispenser that looks like a little gasoline truck.

That would be so booked. That would be so cute. Some inventor go with that. I think that would be adorable. Then communicate with your partner. Don't just do the silent sex thing. So many people have sex in complete silence, you know, and the most communication they get is a little grunts or mones or, you know, people trying to stop you from going so fast by moving your body in such a way that it's harder to do it. That's communication,

but it's not adequate for this. To do it right, to do it. That's communication, but it's not adequate for this. To do it right, to do it with pleasure for both parties, talk about it, let the person who is being inserted into, say, when to go faster, when to stop. And the other thing to think about is that you're not sticking a body part or toy or whatever into another person's butt. They're putting their butt on to the body part finger,

or whatever it is. They're relaxing. You bear down a little bit, and then it just sort of fits together in a way that if you try to poke in, there is a reflex that just goes, and it's tightens down. It's a, how do you relax? Breathe.

You breathe. If you are freaked out about cleanliness, you take a bath and or you take a rinse before you do it. So you don't have to be all paranoid about is it dirty? Is it dirty? Right. Because some people care about that very much and can't relax. You do this bearing down thing because while you're breathing out and bearing down, you can't be tense. So that is, breath is a very important part of this. Again, if you're too cold, if you're in the back seat of the car and a cop's walking up towards you, I mean, it's anything that makes you tense

and nervous. Try to make that not be what you do, especially the first time, but really the hundredth time too. It makes such a difference. And people who love anal sex really love it. But if you started out wrong, maybe it's the marriage hole, but you're not going to get a lot of play with it. Exactly. If you were too eager, too busy, and you don't think about how you're approaching the person. Okay.

Sounds good. Right, Madness? Yeah, it does. You ready to do it? Well, the time. What about, okay, so Carol created, it's a DVD, right? First, called Bend over Boyfriend, it's infamous. So it's, it's, it's, um, there was the, probably the first video that was ever created about, I think so. I think the most popular. Certainly the, certainly the

first sex ed video. Right, for sex ed videos, um, about videos About penetrating a man in a lane right which isn't as you know common in heterosexual I think partly the the fact that the video was was around it helped Inspire lots of people to try it, but it you know if people weren't interested in doing that at all at all They would not have gotten the video unless they were in fratts and wanted to show it to the new recruits and laugh and scare them. I mean, there was interest already. We knew because you said that I made it, but I didn't produce it. The people who produced it were Jackie Shadran on Char Redd now. And we all worked at good vibrations together in the mid 90s. This is the backstory of it. And over and over again, male female couples

would come up and look at the harnesses and dildos and ask for help. And say is there any, is there a book about this, here's there a video about this, and there was no book or video. So the people at the store maybe didn't start their jobs thinking lots of the guys in America wanted to get done up the bum but it turned out that plenty of guys already had had that idea and just so happened that my partner and I already had that experience and my partner is one of the biggest anal sex lecture teacher expert is he really part of the guys in the universe and has been doing this kind

of teaching for decades now. And so Sharon Jackie and Robert and I talked about whether or not we could put together as movie and we did. And the Lesbian porn company Fatal was the company that actually brought it out. So it's it's boy butts through a lesbian company which seems perfect somehow I'm so how works funny great way and we found a couple of other couples who wanted to Check it out do it to actually we put one of the two couples together that Try and the other one was a was a real life couple and Bendiver boyfriend has was for four years the best selling sex video at good vibrations Wow, it's amazing.

It was really good. That's it. Going on out there, then we knew. How do you get your partner, like, so, so if a guy is not interested in it, let's say, but you think, like, it could, like, a lot of men say straight men are not interested in it. Like, they think, no, it's horrible. It's horrible, but how, what would you say the benefits are?

Well, the benefits are one pleasure. Right. The prostate is the prostate the best addressed in access through anal penetration. And the prostate is a pleasure part of the body. And it's comparable to the G-spot. It homologous, as we may be sexologists like to say. Homologous, I love it.

It's a homologue. And but that does not mean it's homo, which is another reason I think that some guys are worried. That's why I think that there's this. I think they're missing out. There's this association with sexual orientation, that the behavior, people think that gay men have anal sex, therefore any anal sex on a man is gay. And of course, gay is about the gender of the partner that you do what you do with.

And if the partner, gender of the partner is male in your man, then that you could call probably called gay or bi, certainly. And if the gender of the partner is female, then that is called heterosexuality. Frisky heterosexuality, perhaps, but it's straight to do if the person doing it with you or to you is female. So there you have it. That's what it, that's the deal. Plus this thing about, oh, it's gonna hurt, it's gonna hurt. If you do it right, no it doesn't. It's what it that's exactly the deal plus this thing about oh, it's gonna hurt

It's gonna hurt if you do it right no it doesn't it's not gonna right. Let's allume and Smile prostate like like you might be missing out on this whole experience men This is whole unbelievable earth shattering experience that you never had yeah, but I don't think it should be forced on anybody Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sell me a used car like Eric's boyfriend. No, you know, you can't really, you can't really force, you can't release it. You can't successfully force any kind of anal penetration on another person. Yeah, you can't do it in such a way that the person will voluntarily want to come back and do it again. Right. And you know, any other, any other kind is somewhere on the abuse rate continuum. The best you can say for it is a couple of people

who didn't know enough to how to do it right, did it wrong the first time, and it probably wasn't as good a good event. That's the very best you can say for a situation like that. And the good thing is there is so much pleasure available and there is so many resources to help people do it. So many, right. That if somebody doesn't want to do it, so many resources to help people do it. So many, right. That if somebody doesn't want to do it,

then they don't want to do it, and then you go, well, well, well, okay. But I think for women who do want to talk guys into it, there are a couple of things that they could say, do you want to try this kind of pleasure that you've never tried before as one? Don't you want to know what it feels like for me? I want to be able to share the experience

of what it's like. And many couples find that that's super intimate, super hot. And of course, probably some guys don't want to know how it feels. Right. Exactly. It's a great thing to know how to feel, how it feels, but yeah, some guys like, no, thanks. You could take that. I'm not going to go there. Dr. Jack Morin, who is a local therapist, who wrote the book on anal sex, anal pleasure and health. OK. Very first research, a resource like this that ever was wrote in the very early 80s.

Did some research and found that pretty much anybody could have good pleasurable anal sex if they personally want to. Right. If they are doing it to please someone else or they don't want to, the psychology that gets you to be able to relax just doesn't come into play. But if then they'll be tense, nervous, worried,

tense down, pain. Exactly. And that will be a vicious circle. Not to get off the anal sex subject, but you were talking about good vibrations in the early 90s and it is it struck me. It did you or me might not even heard of this person but the artist Kraton her mother worked for good vibrations in the 90s. Really? So she's a she's a popular musician. I did not know that. Yeah. She know what her mom's name

was. Oh, yeah, I could try to figure that out. That's awesome. Yeah, it's funny because she's been doing She's been doing she does a lot of interviews and people bring this up That's a fun. I had never heard that she was a kid in the warehouse doing homework and stuff like that her mom I probably walk past this kid at some point Yeah, so yeah, she's a very I probably walk past this kid at some point. Yeah, so yeah, she's the very part of the music. I love it. I saw it look about it when we go into the subject.

And I'll try to pull up her mom's dad. OK, I just, I have another question. Well, we're going to wrap up in a few. But this is a question. I had some questions on Facebook. I asked some people like, what would you want to talk to Carol Queen? And this is a question that comes up a lot.

So I think it's a good one. If you are used to vanilla sex, but want to try something new, how do you move outside your comfort zone with your partner or without your partner in general? Well, I think that one of the things you do is you research a little bit the kinds of things that you might wanna try. You don't just stick an ad,

a personal ad somewhere and say, hey, I've never done kinky stuff. Mom do kinky stuff to me, because you don't know who and what you get when you do that. So you read some erotica, you check out the how-to books and the videos that suggest different kinds of ways to play. And just do the response test when you're watching or reading this stuff go,

what really turns you on the most? Exactly. What turns you on? What do you remember? What's like getting your blood boil in, right? If you got a partner already, that material with them go oh my God watch this I responded I thought this was so sexy when I watch this and then you've either got an enthusiastic partner who goes oh wow that's hot too let's

figure out how to do it or you've got somebody who doesn't necessarily but at least you've got some communication rolling and sometimes people who want to try new things set up a sort of a little tip for cat thing with their partners and go, what would you want to try? What would what do I want to try? Let's try both of those things. Yeah, exactly.

It's like just talking about it and having that dialogue with, it's like sitting down and being okay with your fantasy, what have you thought about? You're very first writer, in fact, the one who doesn't want to have sex is often. I mean, that's one thing that she could try with her partner. Right, exactly.

What if we have sex the way we usually do it half the time and we have this other kind of sex that I've been thinking about the other half. And it does help to bring in other materials or whatever it is, you know, if it's porn, erotic, whatever it is to figure out if you don't know, she might be like, I don't really know, but I just know that I'm not getting what I want, which I think about a lot of people feel. Yeah. They're like, I know there's more to this.

I could be getting more by not church. They just explore and see what hits you. If you were in a place where there were classes, take classes, you know, good vibes as classes, the Center for Sex and Culture that I direct as class. Center for Sex and Culture. That's another thing, Carol, Carol Direct Spearheaded started founder of the Center for Sex and Culture. And they're, if they live in a city, there is some kind of kinky group or a lot of times that the kinky people have events called munches. If you look at munches, like a lunch or brunch with an am on the front, that's the sort of the meat up.

And it usually happens that a cafe or something, so it's just, you're safe, you're in public, there's a, you know, the side room and the cafe, all of a sudden, all the kinky people go in there and just meet each other and, you know, order a little, order a little call. Every town you can find them lunches, the lunches. And just look around to see if there are people around who are into some things that you're not into. And maybe there's, maybe there's a whole infrastructure of parties and collasses and people to meet. Right. When should me want a few people, you just get into it. It'll happen. There's a whole infrastructure of parties and co-assets and people to meet and right.

When should meet one or a few people you just get into it. It'll happen. And if you live in a smaller town that doesn't have that kind of stuff, think about where you're going to travel next time you go on vacation. Exactly. San Francisco, come to San Francisco. Men's, did you want more questions? No, no, no.

Okay. I think we're done. Yeah. Kare Queen. So nice having you in the shahak. What's the best website for you? Well, people can ask. You ask me.

Me questions. OK, perfect. I know people want to ask you questions. No way. But if anybody does want to get a Q&A kind of thing with me, I do it on the good vibes website, good vibes.com. You take the left hand tool bar. You scroll all the way down until you get to ask our docs.

OK. And Charlie Glicman and I are PhDs who take the left hand toolbar, you scroll all the way down until you get to ask our docs. Okay. And Charlie Glickman and I are PhDs who spend some of our time answering questions. Right. And if people want to come to events at Good Vibes, those are on the top toolbar all the way to the right to under 6-101 and you can find out where the stores are and what's going on.

Okay. Charlie and I teach at the stores all the time. And then I'm often at the Center for Sex and Culture. And then I bounce around. And next week I'm going to Boston University, Yale, and Harvard. Come on. And you came here hard.

I'm doing some smart stuff. Do some of my godforses. So you're warming up with not some smart stuff. I am tall. You are. You are super smart. And I really love hearing from your listeners. It's wonderful. Good. I'm so glad. Thank you for helping and thank you for being here.

You bet. You know, there was a time when there was not that much out there for people who had had questions and were curious and wanted to hear some good some good wholesome sex talk. Good wholesome sex for each day. I'll try to do every day. Oh, you're welcome. And thank you menace. Thank you. It's great to see you day. I'll try to do every day. Oh, you're welcome. And thank you, menace. Thank you. It's great to see you today. Thank you too. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleys.com.