Sex With Emily - SWE: Breaking Bad (Relationships)

Episode Date: February 23, 2012

People get into the same bad relationships over and over again. Emily talks about how it’s important to recognize your patterns, whether you fall for the bad boy or a momma’s boy. Also, how not to appear needy but still tell someone what you want. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Book into his eyes Then the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that mock our secret institutions Betrubized they call them a lie-gone name Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kinda cute The girls gotta understand it so much

The women know about shrinkage Isn't it common, Oli? What do you mean, like, laundry? It's drinks? And we not talk about sex so much You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. You might even be there now right watching the live show. We do a live show. Lesturbating to the live stream. Maybe you're masturbating to live stream. I don't care what you do.

As long as you watch and listen to the show, sex with Emily, you can follow us on Facebook and Twitter. Sex with Emily and you can follow menace everywhere on the planet at White Menace. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Instagram's my favorite, but I've been without Instagram for like a week I was wondering about your postings were on Instagram Instagram two sex I'm like what I was like menace as and posted like I don't want a post of menace as in posting I know I customized my

iPhone I couldn't figure out how to put it back together so I had to mail it to Las Vegas annoying and then you're without it and I'm using my my I'm using a Windows phone, which I have no idea how to use, and it doesn't have all the apps that I use. Yeah, that's upsetting. When you're going to get it back, because I just can't. Ann is bright pink. It is bright pink. On that note, no.

Well, I should have a back in the shoes. Okay, good. I miss you, Instagramming. So, today's show, we're going to be talking about how to recognize and change your relationship patterns. You know, we all have types. A lot of people fall into the same patterns over and over again and you break up with someone and you're like, I'm never going to date a guy like this or a woman like this and then you do it again. So we have some really salad tips today on how to avoid that, the relationship pitfalls and how to make change for the

future to find who you want. My favorite is the ones that date career criminal guys and they're like, oh, I have so much drama in my life. Well, of course, you know who you're dating. Who do you know who dates men and prisoners? A lot of people out there that do that. That's true. Yeah, well, we do discuss some of the common relationship patterns and then how to fix them. I don't know many people who date men who are criminals, but minus and I often differ, and that's why we have a great show.

Yeah. We don't hang out in the same circle. We don't always, but we love each other. How are you doing today? I'm good. I'm good. Just nice out here in San Francisco. It's very nice. It's been 70 degrees today in sunny California.

I know. It's amazing. I was enjoying the the walk here twice. Because I forgot my keys at work and I block someone in. And it's living in a major city. You got to get used to tandem parking. Exactly. And today I was just like out of my head and I forgot. So, but I was enjoying the weather. The walk good. Whether it's really nice. That's what I was enjoying it too. It makes you happy. I really do.

I believe in seasonal effective disorder. Have you heard of that, sad, seasonal effective disorder? If you live in a place that's dark and gloomy and rainy and whatever, it's going to bring you down. It's true, like they said, the suicides are up in... In certain parts of the world. Yeah, like Washington. Yeah, when it's just depressing and raining,

and then we go through phases and somewhere at risk every single day and it's like for a month and you're like, really, I'm like wet and soggy and unhappy. So that's a good time. Yeah. Okay, a lot of you have been emailing about our Valentine's Day contest. We are going to contact the winners today. We're not going to announce the winners on the show what we're going to contact you.

So because we've got to get rid of all this stuff in our office because we've got so many good items to give away and I just want to say that if you are interested in buying anything, sex toy, porn, learning more about sex, I love the Good Vibes website. It's goodvibes.com. And we use GVMly15 for 15% off anything in the store. And we're lucky because we have the actual stores here in San Francisco, the Good Vibes store. Yeah, all over this place.

I know. They're really amazing. If you come to San Francisco, you have to go. There's the Good Vibes store. Yeah, all over this place. I know, they're really, like, if you come to San Francisco, you have to go. There's a Good Vibes. And there's one in Boston and few in Oakland. So Oakland and Berkeley. Bostonia. Bostonia.

Yeah, so it's funny. I was feeling really good because one of my interns told me that she should all remain nameless, that she was having sex with her partner and that her boyfriend. And she was saying that in the middle of it, she was like, you know what, we should pull down my boss's book and because I wrote a book,

hot sacks over two under things you can try tonight. And they actually were in the middle of having sacks and opened up at the book and whipped it out and did a position, did one of the positions in the book. Wow. Yeah. And I actually have been using the book a little bit for my friends.

I was like, I gave him the book. Oh, that's nice. You know the copy. That's my company. You could have gotten one at the party? Zero. I'll give you a copy. I didn't know you want. No, no, but I should buy a copy. I'll sign a free honey. I'll give you a free No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, comes down to, you know, I'm around a lot of bands. And I support bands. And I hate when people say, oh yeah, I really support this band blah blah blah.

And then they expect to get a free copy of the CD. I'm like, that's somebody's hard work that we put into. Like I'm not gonna take a free copy. I'll take your 20 bucks and I'll give you a free copy. Okay. I feel really bad taking your 20 bucks though. I mean, I think your 20 bucks and buy you a drink. No, it's actually only 14 something on Amazon.

This guy who I adore, like this guy was like my mentor who worked in television and before that, he was a bartender and he said that people would ask him, say, hey, you know, I'm having a wedding, blah, blah, could you be a bartender at the wedding? But that's what he did as a profession, right? And he said, you know what? I'll help you move things, I'll set up chairs and tables and stuff like that, but you know, that's what I do for a living. Right. I get paid to do. Yeah, you should be. Unless he wanted that to be his wedding gift

to the people. Like I'll be your bartender at the wedding, but don't even buy a gift. I would do that if I had no money, which I usually often don't for wedding gifts. Yeah, like, you know, that Pauli D did that for for Kim Kardashian. Like he usually charges Pauli D from the Jersey Shore if you don't know who that is. He's also a DJ. He charges $40,000. Wow. And as a wedding gift for Kim Kardashian, 70 day wedding, he gave up the 40 grand into

jail. Wow. Well, it was good publicity for him too. Yeah. Believe me, he doesn't need the publicity. He has like a residency in Las Vegas. He makes a bazillion dollars. And how much for all these Jersey Shore kids making before the show? Oh, probably.

And like working at Pizza Parlor. Oh yeah, nothing, nothing. Jesus Christ reality TV. Just. I know I always I'm afraid to look up because the newest member is Dina who might not be the most popular member I guarantee you she's worth crazy amount of money. It will make me sad to find out I don't even want to know how much he's people make that kills me just for being assholes on television I'm not getting that I don't know if they're assholes. Well, they're just exposing their entire life

I guess you should get paid for that exposing your whole life. Okay, you're right. They're not households. I need to watch Jersey Shore at least once. It's on my list of things to do. Aren't you glad I can engage in television conversation? I know. I watched The Real's How's Why's Wornage County last night. I don't watch the one.

I don't watch the one. How was it? They're all blonde and you can't tell me apart except for those a new brunette. And it was funny. I was actually very happy because Jimmy Jane, as you know, is one of our sponsors, but we love Jimmy Jane. And they actually had a Jimmy Jane vibrator on there. Oh, nice.

The first three. And it was really cool. Yeah, I know it was I was happy for them because they went to a sex toy shop. And the first toy they picked out was a Jimmy Jane form three. And the woman was like, oh, this is a Jimmy Jane. So I thought that was great publicity for them. I was happy.

Yeah, I only watch Atlanta and Brevvili Hills. That's it. I'll watch anyone else. I don that was great for the publicity for them. I was happy. Yeah, only watch Atlanta and Beverly Hills. That's it. I don't watch anyone else. I don't love Atlanta. They're an Africa. Get out of Africa. It's like, what are the things? I don't like it.

I don't like when they travel. It's like, remember when the Brady lunch? You've watched a Brady lunch and they used to travel. Yeah, when they were so white. I hated that. I'm like, get back to your house in California. You got the forbidden, whatever. Yeah, the forbidden, teaky thing.

And then you got in an accident. Yeah, I just hated that though. I don't know why bugs me when they leave. Just go back to Atlanta. Yeah, but they were giving back to like poor communities and stuff like that. You don't like that, you want them going out. Oh my God, can we talk about the Rehazard of Atlanta?

They had that one woman brought 29 pairs of shoes to Africa. Did you see that? That was ridiculous. 29 pair, they were all dressed up in the first question. They got to an animal game reserve was do you do and make up here Yeah, but that was just cycle that was just like one of them. Oh, man. They're crazy. Yes, that's not the entire

They're crazy bitches, but we love candy. Me candy candy candy was on our show. She has bedroom candy. She gave me a vibrator I like the lipstick. It looks like a lipstick, but it's a vibrator I thought that was cool. Okay, so we've got a little bit of sex in the news for you today. Okay, this is really funny, because this is relevant to yesterday's show topic. We talked about grooming and what men and women prefer down there. American apparel goes full bush in a new ad. The floundering hipster brand most notoriously, most notorious for its sexually provocative advertising is back to its old tricks.

This time, they have an ad featuring a model showcasing a pair of C-Thru panties and a prominent patch of pubic hair. This is fairly unusual compared to the nearly pre-B-Weston ladies of the AA brand. Usually they're very young looking women, so some women's got to see through panties with a full blush. I wonder if it's real or if it's just like a merkin. Do you know when a merkin is, it's a fake. Yes, it's solely fake. I mean, it must be fake, right? No one's rocking a real one. No one's rocking a real blush, but I guess American apparel. I like American apparel. Do you ever go in there? No. I'm too big for American

apparel. I can't fit in any other clothes. Yeah, they don't, no, they don't make clothes for larger people and they don't even hire larger people either. Hey, them. I'm never going to get in. I forgot American parlor unless they want to advertise on the show in which case I love you. Okay, rapper, fabulous.

Do you know who that is? Yes. Drops 45,000 on 120 bottles of champagne inside of an Atlanta nightclub. And he didn't even buy, I saw the photo of it. He didn't even buy the good champagne. I mean, Mo Wett is good. It's it's all right.

But you would think he would buy my favorite spade champagne, which is my favorite, which I never even had. 45,000 dollars on 120 bottles of champagne. It was first friend. I wish I was his friend. I would just say, dude, I'll take the money. You're not the alcohol. And yeah, he bought from O.A. And I don't think that he has that kind of money

to be dropping like that. Yeah, I mean, dude. His, his, his, his, his, his, he should be sending supplies to the kids in Africa. Well, no, he has a baby's bomb or two. If she's on the one reality show, hip hop wives. Oh, I've never seen it mine. Which I love.

She's on there. She's cute. I like her a lot. Yeah. But he's not with her because, you know. I'd be pissed if my rapper, Rayby Daddy, came home and said, I just dropped 45k and I saw that receipt in his pants. Oh, yeah. I'd be pissed. Hopefully he's probably taking care of his kids.

Yeah, I think he has a couple of kids with this girl. But what is the point? I can't even go off on it. Why? This seems like a waste to spend that much money and alcohol. That's nothing. There's this guy. How about you probably do that because you love alcohol.

If I had enough money, baby. But there's this guy who, he's this high roller in Las Vegas, right? And his name is Don Johnson. And he's such a high roller in Las Vegas, right? And his name is Don Johnson. And he's such a high roller. Everywhere he goes to every club, the DJ will stop the music and will say, the real motherfucking Don Johnson is in the house. Okay.

Have you ever heard of dead mouse? Dead mouse is this giant DJ. He paid dead mouse $85,000 to play Bon Jovi at this club. He's just that. But anyway, so if you Google this guy, the real mother, F and Don Johnson, he has this bottle, there's a picture of him holding a bottle that spade champagne that I'm always talking about, but it's the oversized bottle and it was $120,000 and he's just like spraying it all over the

place. It makes me nauseous. It's insane. But do you ladies find that hot that are not gold diggers? No. I'd be like, I could buy some shoes here with this stuff. I could buy some bags and shoes. That just kills you.

But people have so much money that it doesn't mean anything to them. Yeah. Do you think any girls out there that are non-gold diggers, they like don't think that guy's a dishback? I'm not saying Don Johnson's a dishback, but the person that's, you know, this stolen money all over the place. I hope that.

Cause I really wanna hang out with Don Johnson with it. So I just hope, don't let that trash him, but I just hope that he does a lot of good human, him service for humanity. Like he gives money back and has charity. People that are usually like, they're that crazy with money, do give out a lot of money.

I hope so. That's all I want to say is like, if you could do that with you could do whatever you want with your money. If you would spray champagne on strippers boobs or whatever you do, but just give some money back. We could use a lot of money here at home in America, not even going off to Africa. Yeah. And that sucks with Emily dot com. And we need the money.

Become a friend with benefits. Remember you get four shows a week, you get many perks, we answer emails right away, and it's $4.95 a month. It's like $0.25 a day. It's nothing and it really helps us. I know there's something highlighted there that says $49.95 and I know that's very scary. You don't have to pay that.

It shouldn't default towards that. We gotta change that. We've been trying to change that for a while. We understand that it's $4.95. And you get them on free. So please become a friend's benefits member. Please got to change that. We've been trying to change that for a while. We understand. But it's 495. And you get them on free. Yeah. So please become a friend's benefits member. Please, we love you.

OK, the porn industry might ditch LA over the new law requiring condom use. So do you know this whole debate that's been going on the porn industry for years now? The porn industry says, you know what, we get everyone tested. And we shouldn't use condoms because it doesn't look good for porn. It's not hard. it's not sexy. But opponents of that say, hey, that does not promote safe sex.

And so they're saying, we're going to leave LA because there's new health regulations that came into effect in Los Angeles who require porn actors to use condoms while shooting. And they claim that using condoms hurts film sales and they're considering relocating, which would impact the $4 billion and 10 to 20,000 jobs in LA. They would just go to Nevada or Arizona. That's right next door. Yeah, they wouldn't care. But what do you think about that when you infrequently watch porn and you see diversity

condoms in it? No, I don't. Right. They don't do it. And they say that not using yeah Condoms and porn reinforces the idea that the best sex is unprotected and discourages porn you so I can see that That's a really tough argument I get when if you're the porn director, you're like oh well stop here and put on a condom But you can just stick that you don't stop the show you don't have to show the shot of him opening up the pack of condoms

Yeah, I think it's up to whatever You know it all goes back to, it all goes back to parenting. You know what I'm saying? It does. If you're, if you're your parent that keeps on blaming everybody else except for yourself on what your child does because they're having unprotected sex because they're watching porn, why is your your kid watching porn? Watching porn. Yeah, put the lock down on the computer. Yeah, why aren't you having the conversation with them?

I hate parents. Because parents are so... They never take the blame for anything that's why I'm talking about sex. You know what? It's a parent who already even talking to each other about sex. I have to... Yeah, exactly.

Those are the parents who are probably not having any sex. And maybe, I don't know, for Lidges, like I told you, I had so many friends going, a religion really can have a huge impact on your sex life and who you are in the world. If parents just feel like it's not right, like I had a friend in college, freshman year, she was really one of the birth control. So she talked to her mom about her. Her mom was like, nope, like, you know, I don't believe in you.

She's Catholic. And so it's tough. It's a tough place to be. So okay, I've got some emails for us. What do you got? I love hearing believe in you. She's Catholic and so it's tough. It's a tough place to be. So, okay, I've got some emails for us. What do you got? I love hearing from the people. I love hearing from the people too. Okay, everyone, thanks for emailing us. Feedback at sexualethamely.com. You can also just directly email us on the website. Ask Emily. There's an Ask Emily page and just send us your questions because we like to answer them.

And if you're premium friends with benefits member, we answer your questions right away. I'm like your on-call sex member, we answer your questions right away. I'm like your on-call sex coach, relationship coach. That's me, same law. Okay, the first one's about the penis pump, which I've brought up several times that I have a bunch of them at my house. So, hey, Emily, this is Tanner getting back to you

about the penis pump. I'd be very interested in testing out for you guys to see if it works. The other question, whether would you rather get a hand job or a blow job? If the wind was offering me just one, I'd have to go with a blow job, but I think the hand job is so good because you are not doing the work.

You have another interesting, you have another person rubbing your dick. From Tanner in Wisconsin, he's a premium friend with Benefits Member. Okay, I'm sending this guy, penis pump. And I want to, I, men's won't use it. I asked him to use penis pump. I want him to Tanner. You're gonna have to document your growth You're gonna have to get a ruler. Yeah, some pictures Emily feedback a sexual Emily I don't need to see it. I just like to see the numbers on your ruler Is that we use a tape measure? Do you have your measure to penis?

How about guys measured their penis? I think at one time. Yeah I think I did it with one was a teenager. I'm sure. Like if I was a dude, I'd measure my boobs. I'd measure my penis. But I haven't lately. Not lately. You can do that one day in the show that you find. Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, you whip it out. Yeah. I'll send you a penis pump at 10 or 10. You have to get back to us. Okay. And how it grows or not grows. Okay. This is about finishes. Emily, first of all, I'm a new to your. Okay, and how it grows or not grows. Okay, this is about fetishes.

Emily, first of all, I'm a new to your podcast and I'm enjoying it. I just listened to the F is for fetish episode and I disagree with you with the definition you use. I say it that way because I don't know if it came from you or another source regardless. That episode defined a fetish

as something needed to achieve climax. I have a bunch of fetishes and I've been in touch with them for a long time in a completely unapologetic way. Most of my fetishes are related to spanking, BDSM, domination, and submission areas. Regardless, while I do get extremely turned on by them, I am capable of being aroused by things as simple as missionary position sex with girls that turn me on. I also recall you talking about a kinky girl in the lay who's frosted with dating sites. There is a fetish site called FET LIFE, FET LIFE, and I've met more quality women on FET LIFE than I have on Match.com, and I've been on FET for much shorter time.

Hope that I'm helping Jim and Laguna Beach, California. Laguna! So what we talked about, we did a show last Friday about fetishes and in these right, and the common definition of a fetish is that the person needs that thing like a foot or needs to be spanked or needs to be peed on to have satisfactory gratification. And he's saying that he's that that doesn't sound the way from. And you're right, there's a lot of debate out there in the community. And if I came across saying that was the only way, I apologize, but it is very...

More common than not, they say that it is like that person without that thing, they won't be able to have sexual satisfaction. And then fat life, that is such a great suggestion. We did have a woman email in and say, and I'm going to email her about fat life because I totally spaced on it. I have a friend who's actually, is on fat life all the time. And it's a kinky website, and it's for kinky people who want to get into other stuff and who want to get into kinky life.

And it was a woman in LA who said that she was finding that she was really kinky and a lot of the guys she was finding on the traditional dating sites weren't down with that and she just wasn't finding the right guys that were actually compatible. So Fat Life is a really good alternative. Thank you so much, Jim, in the Goonabeech. That's awesome suggestion. I have a huge fetish for women that, you know, can support themselves and pay bills and cook dinner. That's the biggest fetish I have.

I know, independent women. I'm told we can do women like that. I know, me too. I'm into men like that too. I get it. That's Friday. That's a good fetish menace. Okay. This one was just one sentence email. Dear Emily, my girlfriend doesn't agree to have sex with me. What do I do? So I don't know. I mean, do the emails just whatever. She doesn't agree to sex you.

I don't know. You got to give me more of a rationale. I can't really answer this, but what do you do? You don't force it upon her. You talk to her about why she won't have sex with you. Maybe she's not that into you. Or, you know, talk to her. Talk, talk, talk.

Communication is a lubrication. People do not talk. You know, turn on and say, why when you have sex is she afraid of it? Is she not turned on? Is she a virgin? I can't really, the same thing here. I can't really help you. You should throw out the juices. That's what I say. What does that mean? The peace sign. The peace sign. See you later. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, if she's your girlfriend and she doesn't have sex with you ever, that's a problem. But if she's a virgin, we've talked about a lot of shows about virgins and about how you got to ease into it and maybe lots of foreplay and talk about our fears and don't just stick it in.

And use lots of love, go slowly. It's so funny. I watched Harold and Kumar the most recent one last night because I was in a laughing mood. And Neil Patrick Harris, what he was doing on there, it was so hilarious. He was saying that he was pretending to be gay to get chicks. So he was like, What is Harold and Kumar?

Harold and Kumar, there's a film series. Okay, I've heard of the film series, right? Yeah, Harold and Kumar. But anyways, Neil Patrick Harris, you know who that is. Yeah, so do you. He housed her. He has been in all the movies. Okay. And you know that he came out as being gay.

Yes. And this most recent one, he says that he, they show him like making out with guys and all this stuff. And then when the cameras are away, he's actually into chicks. He's just doing it to get chicks. Oh, that's funny. It's pretty funny. That was something I just wanted to say.

Did you laugh? I did laugh pretty hard because he plays like the best straight role for a gay guy. Right. He's on how I met your mother where he plays like a tall manhorn. Yeah. He is just so good at that.

That's great. Yeah, because he's gay. That's a good, do you like that show? It's popular. Yeah, I haven't really watched it that much. I want to date one with one of the guys in the show when I want to say, oh my God. Oh my God, okay.

intimacy at 51. I'm a new listener. Neal character, cares. This is what you want to deal with, right? Nope, he's good. I'm just kidding. Okay, I'll tell you after. I'm a new, I wasn't date.

It was actually more a friend that said we would should meet because we'd like each other. And it was more of a working like thing, not a date. So I'm wrong. Intimacy at 51. I'm a new listener and I love your show. I'm 51 and I have only had two sexual partners in my life, both women and both relatively casual.

I haven't dated in many years, but more, but I haven't dated in many years more, but have recently been joining groups and getting out more. However, I fear that my past patterns of avoiding intimacy may thwart my attempts at healthy and lasting intimate relationships. I think how to reinvent your intimate life would make a good topic, a good show topic. Thanks for the show, you're absolutely positively adorable. It's Deborah from Kansas. She's a premium friend with benefits member.

Yeah, I was about to say, I go this weird that I said only with women. I thought it was a guy. Yeah, me too. Both women and Raleigh, yeah, she got she's lesbian, right? It's cool. Deborah, let me tell you this, that's what our short topic is today.

So that was a great suggestion and it's funny because I actually came up with this topic a few weeks ago talking to one of the two interns about it, about that we all go, we all have, I think what she's talking about is that she has a lot of patterns in the past of avoiding intimacy. And so right now, let's just get into the show topic. So I'm going to answer your question, Deborah,

with an entire show topic. So thanks for emailing us. All right. Okay. So what we're talking about today is relationship patterns that we fall into, why we fall into them and how to break them. So do you have any common patterns with women? I mean, not everyone has them,

but a lot of people do or in your past. No, but you say I do, but I don't believe I do. You're like, oh, you only go after women that are into you and you wait for them to come to you and I don't believe that's true. There is that from you. No, I believe that I do go after them, but I'm not like pouncing on them. Like I'm not like, I think that I do go after them, but I'm not like

Pouncing on them, like I'm not I think that you say There's contacts with me and then I show some kind of interest, but they have to show interest back before I actually go for it Like some girls, you know how guys they can't read it. They can't read if a girl like they're not they'll just keep on going for it If I can't read if they like me or or not, but they'll just keep on going for it. If I can't read, if they like me or not, then I'm not gonna go for it. But here's why that's a problem, because we've talked about this in the show that a study came out a few years ago

that said that men actually can't read the signs from women. That they actually have like their brain functioning, maybe their cognitive functioning, they are off. They can't actually pick up signs from women. It was a scientific study and it said that men are getting women are lob and cues of them. I like you, I like you, I want to sleep with you and men just don't pick up signs. They're not as adept at it as women are picking up signs from men. Unless they hit you over the head with their vagina. That's usually where the girls that I probably go after.

I think that you just said to me something earlier in the show that you would like a strong independent woman who pays the bills. That's not the kind of woman maybe who's gonna throw herself at you. I don't know why, or maybe not. You get the more, I feel like, typically in the past that you've been with women

who are a little more needy and who need you more than you need them. And they don't respect your career. You're a guy who your career is your number one thing. You like to work, you don't want anyone saying you're working again on a Sunday. And so you need someone who's got her own life and who doesn't give up all of her stuff just to be with you. She doesn't like stop seeing her friends and whatever and she becomes a mesh.

That's one of the patterns that we're going to talk about. So I think that might be your pattern that you're with. But I'll talk about mine. All right. My pattern, I thought it's God, I've done it all, but I dated a series of Irish Catholic alcoholics. Okay. That was a very specific pattern.

But yeah, in my 20s I used to do that. Like, you can be... One of the Irish alcoholics, not a Catholic. Right, okay, exactly. Maybe they were the Irish alcoholics, I don't know. But that was a pattern of that. Sider-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-Syver-S never going to date this kind of person again, but sometimes the next break up comes around the next relationship and we're like, damn, I did it again. Like you hit yourself over the head and you keep doing it over and over again. So you get caught in these patterns and it can be super, super depressing because you blame yourself and it makes you harder to rebound and then it makes you harder to find new people.

So here's a few relationship patterns that we fall into, okay? These are common. I can relate to all of them and I've probably done all of them at one point in my life. Mistaking love for physical attraction, neediness and the need to be rescued or rescued, need to rescue or re-rescue. So this is examined how you desperation, how your desperation affects your perception. So what you should do is look how your desperation affects your perception. So you might be so desperate for physical attraction and it might be so needy that you are not looking at the relationship as a whole. You're just needy and you want to be with someone. So that's what you should examine. The next one is choosing emotionally and physically unavailable people in relationships. I've done that. I've dated people who are not emotionally available.

And what they say you should do is examine your fear of intimacy. So oftentimes we unavailable people in relationships. I've done that. I've dated people who are not emotionally available. And what they say you should do is examine your fear of intimacy. So oftentimes we date someone who's a mere. So I did date a string of guys who are emotionally unavailable, but really I think I was emotionally unavailable as well. So I'm saying why doesn't he change? Why doesn't he change? We tend to project onto people, and when really it was myself.

So if you're choosing someone who's emotionally and available, look at your own fear of intimacy. I think I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of opening up. And I might have dated people who weren't out available. Another thing is that we pick people who treat us poorly by being punishing, critical, controlling, or demanding. And in this case, you should examine your low self-esteem. So a lot of women who are abusive relationships and men have a low self-esteem. So women who are, you know, just, they're just not feeling good about this, so they feel like they deserve it. And it becomes this vicious cycle. And obviously, we can't delve into all these today. And I'm

lobbying some pretty heavy things here, but it's true that if you don't feel that you're deserving wherever that comes from, and self-esteem is so huge in but it's true that if you don't feel that you're deserving wherever that comes from and self-esteem is so huge and why a lot of people don't have good sex and why they have had relationships because they don't feel like they deserve someone good. So, the other one is losing interest in our own personal interest and activities

and becoming amassed with the one person, with one person and we lose our own interest. So people who lose to friends like this, like they get a girlfriend or a boyfriend and you never see them again. They take off. So they have to examine their own boundaries. That person has to say, what are my boundaries?

What will I put up with and what I put up within a relationship? Because I like hanging out with people, you know? And I hate dating somebody that doesn't have friends that they hang out with on a daily basis. A woman without friends is a huge sign or a man without friends. You got to, I mean, that's a really big one. If you start dating someone and they have no friends, like zero or like one friend you can't hear about, but you never meet like some phantom friend, that's a huge red flag for me.

If a guy's like, I don't really make friends, I mean, you gotta look at who they, and then they're gonna lob onto all your friends. So that's someone who, yeah, has to examine their boundaries. So, another unhealthy habit in relationship is staying in and returning to unhealthy relationships. So you keep going back to the same person

over and over again, who isn't right for you. And that means that you should examine your fear of loneliness, that you might not want to be alone, so you keep thinking that you're not going to find anyone better, and you're just lonely. And you just keep going back because you remember the good, not the bad, and then you get back to go with them again and you realize it. Well, that's a perfect example. I don't know. I pretty much think it's true now

that Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together are dating because they both worked on each other's songs. Like that's what? I know. That's crazy. I know. So she's probably just thinking about the good times and not the bad times.

Exactly. And we tend to put our past relationships up to on a pedestal. You break up with someone and then you're like, for all these reasons, you have a horrible break up and like few months later, you're like, oh, but he was so great and bad or he was really funny or he always took me to nice, you know, nice restaurants and then he forget all this bad stuff. So pay attention. This is so funny.

I was watching cheaters before I came to the room. And there was this one. They're interviewing the girl and this girl was like drop dead gorgeous, like super hot, right? And she expected her boyfriend of cheating on her. I'm like, who would she not have been? I was like, who would cheat on the chick? And I saw, I saw the picture of this guy. He looked like a total loser, right? So I was doing it. And he was kept on saying, oh, I gotta leave. I'm supporting somebody that's in A-A-A. And then so they followed him going to like A-A and he was talking up with this busted chick.

Like this chick was nasty. He was she-ing on his girl with, and he was like going out and getting drunk with this girl and like picking up and stuff like that. Yeah, and you look think why is this hot check? Like even dealing with any of this stuff. Because low self-esteem. Yeah.

She doesn't think she deserves anything better than that. And that can come from your, a lot of times, low self-esteem comes from our childhood and the way we were raised. And we were, self-esteem is not something that we're born with. Like you got to work on it. You got to, you know, I've, I've had low self-esteem in my life and worked on it, and I still get insecure about things, but you have to recognize where it comes from

and that you were all worthy of having a healthy relationship. I definitely don't, I'm not into the girl that thinks that, oh, she's dropped out gorgeous. No, that's not self-esteem, let's stuck up. Like, someone that has a balance, you know? If a girl says, hey, look at me, I'm hot, kind of stuff. I'm immediately, I don't want to deal with that. Right, no, I understand.

You don't understand that. Okay, so then we've got a few types of typical types of men. There's the man child, he's stuck in the Peter Pan Syndrome, never wants to grow up. I think there's a lot of those guys in San Francisco. They often talk about that here that it's like men, no, and women too, and maybe I'm falling to that category. Like I do.

I do. Okay, fine. This guy or woman is clinging to his glory days when he was less life was less complicated, responsibility was minimal. I think in San Francisco, it's just, it's not about marriage and commitment, at least for my group of friends or a lot of them, like it's just more about having fun,

letting your dream just live. Just letting that man, let's play guitar hero. Then there's the player, they're the bad boy. Yeah. This guy is constantly looking at every female, but the one he's with. He augals with the barista, the woman at the bus stop, and his body's wife. He's constantly competing for your attention, and that gets old really fast.

So these are typical guys. There's the cheap skate. We know what that means. There's the mama's boy. When a man is delighted, I'm being waiting to buy his hand and foot by his mother. That's I've dated those kind of guys. They're selfish guys. There's possessive guys.

There's the victim. Selfish guys, he will never put you first and you always are trying to change everything you'll put you first. Possessive guys like wherever you've been, you can't wear that in public, why are you doing this or that, or the victim. He's always complaining about why he couldn't get ahead.

It was his boss's fault, it was his mom's fault, it was friends fault, I hate the victim. The victim mentality is a vicious one. Don't you know a lot of women are men like that? You're like bad day of work, hate my boss, hate my life, like the, okay, first of all for women, there's like the romanticist. She lives in a life of like lifetime movies

and things, everything's gonna be perfect. There's an insecure woman. She starts out because she seems nice and she's accommodating and treats men well, but then she might start calling you 10 times a day and be a little obsessive. There's the tease. She flirts with everyone, so I guess this is the female equivalent of the player. Okay, so this is some solutions how to break these patterns. So we've identified some of the patterns and the thing is, is you have to start your practical mind might be telling you, I want to stop this

pattern. I'm going to start dating different types of people. It's really hard just to say that without doing the work around it. This really works because if you try to talk yourself into liking the nice people, you're not going to. You can't just say, I'm going to change. You have to do some work around it. The problem is that the thing you have to look at is that relationships are a mirror.

Do you know what that means? Like it's a mirror. But if you have emotional baggage or issues or hurts and you make negative assumptions about you in your life, you'll be attracted to people who have the same level of insecurity. So a lot of times we blame our partner for things that we actually, having possessing traits that we actually have in ourself. So for example, a guy who is kind of a player, I might have dated players, I've been known to be a player.

So the guy that I date who's always ogling other women, I'm like, I kind of want to sleep with every guy, date two. So we recognize those traits in the person. So just everyone in life can be a mere twist. Usually the person that you can't stand in your office, let's just take this away from relationships. This has many people are a mere in our life. If there't stand in your office. Let's just take this away from relationships. This has many people are mirrors in our life. If there's someone in your office and you can't stand, you're like, he's always cheap or he's late or

he doesn't pull his weight, you might find that you have some of that in you. So it can be a mirror. But if you're willing to work on this stuff and get rid of your insecurities and your baggage, then you will be home free, okay? So let's talk about some things about changing your patterns. Okay, so first identify your pattern. Do any of these make sense to you? They all make sense, but I don't think I have any of those patterns. Right. Write it all down. I always agree, you gotta write it down. Even if it's ugly, like the ugly truth, like write down what your patterns are and give it a name that describes it. And then say goodbye to it, write it down. So like I'm dating guys who are cheap and they're mean to me

and they're rude and they don't give me enough affection or whatever it is, just write all your ugly stuff that you've been attracted to. And then you say goodbye to it. And you say, you know what, I'm done, you can have a ceremony, I have a friend who went to jump off a plane literally. She jumped off a plane with a list of everything

that she wanted to get rid of in her life. All the negative stuff that was holding her back. So you could burn the piece of paper. I know you're looking at me. It's very northern California. And then you identify new patterns. And then you really have to spend the time like, what the hell do I want?

Because if you're stuck in a pattern and you don't know what you want, you're not going to get it. You know, often times you're like, I wish this were changed. I wish that would change. You're just complaining. Do you know what you want?

Have you spent the time, you know, like, so dream big, like often times you're like, I wish this were changed, I wish that would change. You're just complaining, do you know what you want? Have you spent the time, you know, like, so dream big, like expand your thinking, let your imagination go wild, write down everything you want in your work, in relationships, in family, and all that stuff, like everything that you think that you want in a new person. And then you gotta focus on it. Create a book, write down your dreams,

fill the pages with pictures, representing what you want, devote five minutes every day to looking at your pictures, representing what you want, devote five minutes every day to looking at your book, and seeing what you want if that's coming true. If that's coming true for you. I know this sounds hokey, but I'm telling you a lot of relationship coaches talk about.

If you're not finding the love you want, it's because you don't know what you want and you keep getting stuck in these things. So write it down, spend time, spend a half hour on Saturday, and do it. Every day, do one inspired action that moves you towards this goal. So do something towards what you want. If you want to be like a nice guy, say, you know what that guy that asked me out,

he doesn't seem like my type, but like, banish that and give him a chance, or hurt chance. You would have so much fun if he just gave me a chance. Ladies, out there, I you just gave me a chance. Ladies, out there, I'm just letting go right now. Because it's true, if you narrow your dating pool to the people that you're only physically attracted to, like physical attraction sometimes, like we're like, oh, but I'm not attracted to that person. You're going to totally narrow your pool.

You're going to think, I can't be attracted to the people, but you can actually can be. Because yeah, so that's what people think. They think that like I have to be a physical attraction, but you can learn to be attracted to other people. You are just stuck in this pattern. Yeah. And then pay attention to all the people in your life, and you're like, that guy asked me out of that woman asked me out

or I met this person, I wouldn't normally think they're my type, but I'm gonna give them a chance. And then look at your list. Does this person meet all the bottom line issues and the things that I want in a person? And then surround yourself with people, keep you, let your friends know, let them in on it. And be like, you know what,

I'm looking for this kind of person or that kind of person. I'm looking for a woman who has all these traits do you know anyone? And you start talking to people. What's the list of traits you're looking for? Personally. Yeah.

Mm, thanks for asking. I'm looking for someone who is emotionally available. He knows his issues. He's done his work on himself. He knows who he is. And when I say done his work, I mean, like he's had therapy or he's maybe, he's just mature.

You're talking for a guy that just had therapy? Yeah, he's had therapy. When he has to have therapy. Mm, he's had the dums. I don't care if he went climbed up on a rock in India and sat there for a month. I did something that he just knows who he is. I don't, maybe he didn't need therapy,

but he's fully aware of his strengths, his weaknesses, and he's like, here's who I am. And he's honest. And he's super honest and truthful about who he is. I think I'd also like someone who is passionate about something. Like, he's not the victim, he doesn't hate everyone, he definitely doesn't hate his mother or his job or his whatever. I mean, he just loves what he does.

And if he doesn't like his work, then he loves, you know, wind surfing or something. Cars. I don't care. He's got passion. I would like to be with someone who is funny. Every girl says that, but it makes me laugh. He's light.

He's just not a pressed person. He's light and he's funny and he makes me laugh and he's smart. I want to be with someone who challenges me emotionally and psychologically, like, you know, who just isn't on this, like, who brings something different to the table. And I would prefer, yeah, that's what I like, how's that? And he's successful so far in his life. Like, I don't mean even financially,

although that would be really nice, but like he's experienced some success and he's not still struggling to figure out who he is. Where is that guy, everybody? Feedback, it's something. Email me, feedback, it's something that, come, what are you? So you said that you're looking for a woman who is?

Uh, yeah, just, just independent. Somebody that I don't have to support. Somebody that does have a lot of friends, um, you know, that it likes to go and it's easily entertained. I hate when I feel like I have to entertain somebody all the time. I hate when I, if I go to a party and I start talking to somebody for a long time and she's like, oh, you're not paying any attention to me and she's getting upset because I'm talking with people.

I hate because I'm like, look, I see you every day. I don't see these people every day. Like, so you can't get upset when I'm having a lengthy conversation with them. That goes back to independent. Like an independent woman who's comfortable with herself and as high self-esteem would like you'd walk into a party and you wouldn't see her for an hour because she's chatting up your friends.

Yeah. That's the kind of girl you wouldn't be with. I agree. A guy who's, I need independent. Like, yeah, someone who's comfortable and walking to a room and doesn't need to hold onto your hand the whole time. And he's like, where did you go?

You ditched me when we got to the party. I hate that. Hate it. Totally great. So hopefully this was helpful everyone. We're going to post some of this on the website because I think it's a useful information because we all get second patterns. Sexwithemily.com.

Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, everywhere on the universe. It's Sex with Emily. You can find menace at white menace. Yup. And yeah, that's what we got for you today. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me.

Feedback at sexwithemily.com. Yup. And yeah, that's what we got for you today. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemlee.com.