Sex With Emily - SWE: Sex, Intimacy and Orgasm

Episode Date: March 12, 2012

Emily and Menace get wet over the Container Store, guest Wendy Strgar talks love and intimacy, everybody poops...and everybody snoops, Dick Van Dyke is alive and still getting laid, how far you should go to please your partner, and using lubricant with someone you love. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I Into his eyes Then the eyes of a man obsessed by sex eyes that lock our secret institutions Betrubized they call them a Michael hey, I believe you got a boyfriend because my man He here he just got his heartbroken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. Oh my the women know about shrinkage. Is it a common moment? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm on film so, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information,

go to sexwithele.com where you will get all your sex questions answered. And your sex life will improve by listening to sex with Emily. It happens, you know, people, and we've heard from thousands, hundreds of thousands of people that it's changed your lives. It will change yours. We do three shows a week. We've got lots going on on our website, our blog, so check it all out and become a friends

with benefits member today. We love your support of the show. We appreciate it. And we need it. And we want to help you better sex. And we want to keep on doing what we're doing. We want to keep on keeping show. We appreciate it and we need it and we want to help you better sex And we want to keep on doing what we're doing want to keep on keeping on. Hey, man. Is how you doing? Hey? How you doing? I'm great happy Monday. I know it's Monday. What did you do or the week? Oh my god I did a lot of stuff a lot of crazy stuff. It was fun

I saw a lot of friends not crazy stuff But just a lot of like I was very social. I worked a lot yesterday But I saw friends and I swear to God there's this theme that I have to talk about. I feel like, do you know that children's book? Everybody poops. I heard of it. I heard of it. Okay, so I feel like it's like for kids who are getting paddy-train, it's like everybody

poops. You feel like, oh, it's okay for me to poop because drafts poop and dogs poop. Well, I feel like everybody poops and everybody's snoops. Because seriously, I heard from so many people this weekend, they're like, yeah, I checked out my boyfriend's email or someone's so-and-so's girlfriend, checked out our boyfriend's email because apparently couples are sharing iPads now and you don't log out of your email.

And everyone's snooping. It's crazy. People, I log out of everything. You gotta log out or just don't do it. And first of all, you shouldn't have anything snoopable. Everyone does though. You're gonna find something. You're always gonna find something if you look.

And so I just feel like couples should talk about this before I am. Oh my God, you'd be screwed. I'd be so screwed. I'm so much better now though. I don't cheat. Come on, I don't do anything. No, I'm not saying that you cheat.

I would be screwed because my emails are sort of, you know, evocative. Evocative. And fl-right, sometimes like that. Or people want to send me large dildos and large toys and things that I don't know but it's pretty it's for work it's all business. Oh it's all work. How was your weekend? My weekend was good I built a closet for my gear. Oh my god by yourself.

And it weighs like a billion pounds yeah. I'm so proud of you. But yeah I didn't know you were handy as well. Yeah no I built I should I should summon you over to my place to build what I Need stuff built. Okay. Yeah, I did that and Closet stuff too in drink champagne and Just hung out and watch Jersey Shore marathon. Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, that was it. Did I miss anything on Jersey Shore? Like the last five years. Yeah, no, there was nothing to Exciting. Nothing too exciting. You should okay. Good to know. I'm glad I didn't miss anything because I was really worried when you said that Yeah, okay today's show we've got guest Wendy Streger

Streger I see that right? Streger. Streger. Sorry Wendy Streger. She's gonna talk about creating intimacy and stronger orgasms How couples can really why intimacy is so important? Why couples need it, and why they don't have it. There's so many couples who are lacking intimacy. They think, oh, that's fine. We've got everything else. We like to, you know, make dinner together, and he pays the bills, and I take out the trash or whatever it is, but they think sex is an important. It's the routine.

It's the routine, but you have to create intimacy, so you keep on having great sex, and we're going to get into that a little bit. So we've also got sex and news and emails and all that fun stuff. Cool. But I'm trying to think of what else this weekend, there was something I had to tell you. Oh, I went to the container store also. Oh, I love the container store. I bought some hangers. That's my wet dream.

Like the container store? Even more than like Adam and Eve.com, which I love, like I was surfing their website. Okay, here's my problem. I'm surfing Adam and Eve.com, who's our sponsor of today's show. So if you want to get a sex toy, you want to get laundry, you want to get anything in the world for your partner, Loub, wherever you need to go to Adamineve.com, use coupon code Emily at checkout.

You get 50% off most items, a free gift, and the Kim Kardashian sex DVD. I don't know if you want it, you get it. I can't help it. You get 50% off items, you use coupon code Emily at checkout, but anyway, I was surfing at amineve, but then I switched to container store on my phone when I was up to 4 AM, I can't help it. You get 50% of items. He's keep on quote Emily. Check out. But anyway, I was surfing at him. But then I switched to container store on my phone when I

was up to four. I'm couldn't sleep. And I was to fall asleep looking at the container store because it makes me feel like I'm going to get my life together somehow. It's like a whole, it's like a hopeful, wishful. Yeah. It's, it's awesome. But it's a, it's a little bit expensive. It is a little expensive. That's how I Oh my god. I mean luckily I was just buying hangers, but I got 72 hangers for $19. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, I get those ones are thin with the Classic ones. I don't care. I didn't get one. I like the kind of ones that don't they have like their velvet and the things don't So far. Oh, are you serious? Yeah, I'm like anal about my hangers because I have no closet space so everything Needs to go. I love I love containers. That's what people there were so many the reason I'm bringing up because I have no closet space. So everything needs to go. I love containers.

That's what people, there are so many, the reason I'm bringing up, because I was out there, there are so many couples, that's the thing that you do. I know. You go to the container store. Yeah, instead of creating an agency, I guess Wendy's gonna talk about that. No, maybe some couples do get into

and see if I'm going to the container store. But hopefully the home and F sex after. I'm sure they do, they get all hot and feel like they accomplish something. I think of a key as being the quintessential couples store that they go with the kids. Oh no, there's so many goddamn kids out of the kids. We do get this.

Oh god, I'm really sorry you had to do that this weekend. I avoided going to a children's birthday on Saturday. I almost had to go, but no Sunday. It was Sunday morning, but here's the problem. We had the daylight savings lose an hour. So that's how woke up the party was over. Oh yeah, I know it's like before. We lost an hour. I that's how woke up the party was over. Oh yeah, I know so I'd be going. We lost an hour, I lost a party, I'm fine though.

I know so a lot of people around the San Francisco which we're at right now. A lot of people looking tired. Really today. One hour sleep, I see, I get up early, I'm not sleeping. I'm not sleeping. No, it doesn't affect me at all.

I'm sure you're so perfect in together. No, I'm used to getting up super early. Like everyone else, not. I get up like 4 a.m. I know, you're such a thing. It doesn't matter, it's like sleeping in for me. I know, I'm fine. You're good.

I am exhausted today, no. I apologize. It's okay. No, I'm fine. It just threw me off. So I missed a children's party, which I don't feel bad about. Not that I don't love the child. The child's won. I'm not sure's one of the second birthday it'll be fine

okay we've got some sex in the news for you today okay what's going on the news dick van dyke was caught cradle robbing sort of so as birth and died is still alive he's eighty six uh... when his makeup artist are lean silver forty six years is younger the two met six years ago and since fan die second wife passed away in two thousand nine the relationship to can you get direction culminating in a leap day marriage.

Okay, who cares? But she's cradle robbing. He's 46. She's 86, but she's 46. He's age. She's 46. Good for him. Good for him.

Good for Dick Van Dyke. And he's Dick Van Dyke, which I'm happy to know that he's still alive. And he's again laid apparently. Yeah. I love it. Okay. Single Bostonian women are the nation's unhappiest. Too many friends in Boston, they're bummin' out. I do. Match.com and Glamour Magazine tune up

to find about America's dating scenes. And they've concluded that if you're looking to date, bean town is not the place to be. The reasons match and glamour theorize are Boston's guys drinking habits and the fact that one in eight, one in eight, expects sex on the first date. Well many boss and ladies are happy with the local dating the knowledge of the abundance of bars in the

city makes guys a little crazy. That's so funny. But we're in DC we're said to be the happiest there's so many bars in DC I live there was DC yeah it's a little different. When everything boss about the college we ever install stressed out they're all like universities and all that everyone's just getting wasted that's what they said. When everything bothers me about the ecology, we haven't still stressed out. They're all like universities and all sorts of things. No, everyone's just getting wasted. That's what they said. That is just so sad. People are getting wasted in every city.

Aren't they? Really? More in Boston? Yeah, probably in Boston. That would drive me crazy. I hate pubs with beer. Yeah, but Boston's a big... I hate the smell of beer.

Like, if I had to hang out with guys in bars in Boston, I would shoot myself. I hate beer. Right, me too. But it's a big sports town too, so that's probably why people are trying to get like crazy. It's like a total double negative against them. I'm so never moving to Boston.

I hear it's beautiful though. It is beautiful. I know I love Boston. I just don't want to live in Boston and drink in Boston and have sex in Boston. Okay, FDA approves new brand of breast implants. After three years of clinical trials, FDA has approved a do silicone gel-filled

breast implant produced by the manufacturer CENTRA. They were previously only two companies in the implant market. The implants are proven for breast augmentation and reconstruction in women who are at least 20 years old, according to a statement from the agency. You know all about this. I do. The whole silicone thing, the scare, it was never proven that it actually did anything to anybody right if it did I was that was all misleading. Yeah, it was all like people freaked out and then then the People started going sailing which is saltwater right and then it was never Because they're coming back. Yeah, it is a big deal that they're bringing that back. The saline, which

actually feels more natural than, I mean, the silicone actually feels more natural than the saline. The saline just feels like you have like some, I don't know, water balloons. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't have as much experience as you do touching fake breasts. Yeah, I guess so. Didn't you have a few girlfriends in a row? Yeah, I know they got them after you broke up, but didn't you still go back? Yeah, no, I know one. Didn't you have a few girlfriends in a row? Yeah, I know. They got them after you broke up, but didn't you still go back to school? Yeah, no, I know one of the best plastic surgeons in the Northern California. I would think that you'd still get a pass,

like even if they're your acts, you can be like, I know we broke up, but I feel like I get to touch your boobs. Yeah, I mean, I didn't. Free pass, no. I didn't do that. Okay, but yeah. But you could have, I'm just saying. I think that might have been a nice thing.

Yeah, because I hooked them up with the doctor. Totally, that's what I like. I feel the boobs and be like, yeah, good. You got to tell me it's good though. Okay. Um, I saw it got for sex. I'm moving on to emails. Okay. These are emails. You can email us at feedback. It's sex with Emily.com. We love hearing from you. You can also go to the Ask Emily page on, on Sex Family. You can also follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Sex with Emily. Hello, Emily. I am new, but I just thought, okay. What?

See, you look, you do. I thought it before. Yeah, no. Kelsey read it to me because you want to read this one and I'm like, I don't know, but I'm going to read it and then you can tell me what do you think it means. Oh, God.

Hello, Emily. I am new, but I just knew you are the bomb. You must hook up with me because there is somebody you have to meet including myself, but I'm not selfish, and I am my own proof philosophy about dating and girlfriends, wives, and their boy toys. If you're interested in talking and meeting, get hold of me, OK? You will like my concept.

I speak from experience. Bye for now, Tom. He's a premium friends with benefits member from Lakewood, California. You know, if you're a friends of Benefits Embry, read your emails first. They go right to the top and that's why I'm reading this email.

He wants to hook up and talk to me about something. Do you think he means like hook up hook up? Like he wants to take his tongue down my throat or he has something to talk about? Why does he just put it in the email? I don't know, I gotta follow up with him, I guess. I don't know about that, I would pass. You want more men that are like direct, you know?

Right, I'm like, what are you saying? Just say it in thing, I'm really busy. I get lots of emails. But I had to read it because he's a friend's benefit's member and I'd be happy to talk to him itself. So email again. Email again with more deets, Tom. Hey, Emily, just started listening to the podcast and love the show. Plus, listening to your sexy voice is a bonus. My question is, what are your thoughts about cuckolding? I have done this with my partner, but she says she only does it to please me, but she has an orgasm every time and she seems to enjoy herself. I don't want to feel like I forced on her

But it's such a turn on for me and he thoughts Sean from San Antonio, Texas. He's a friends with benefits member and cuckolding is a is a sexual fetus Which men watch their wives girlfriends have sex with other men. Did you know that? So he watched his girlfriend His partner have sex with other men and he liked it and did you know that? So he watched his girlfriend, his partner, have sex with other men and he liked it. And... And she said she only does it to please him.

Yes, him, which is what a lot of women do, but she has an orgasm every time and she's enjoying herself. So I think they're having some kind of communication breakdown. Yeah. She's having an orgasm, she's getting turned on, but says she's just doing it for him, probably not the hardest feelings.

I just hope you guys are communicating about it. You love this relationship. I think this sounds awesome to me. I think this is a win-win. But I think, uh, yeah, I don't want to think you, I don't want to feel like you forced it on either Sean. I think you guys need to go deeper with the conversation. She's saying it's okay, but she's having orgasms, but she's just doing it for you, so it looks like she's enjoying it, so I just feel like it's mixed, if she's really okay with it, and you're really okay with it, sounds like you got a winner here, you got a great thing going. But again, you have to continue to communicate about each person, about each partner, does

the guy sleep over? Like, what are the rules? Because you guys are on an intimate relationship together, and we've seen this hurt. Harm, a lot of relationships in the long term, but right now, it seems to be pretty good. Yeah, this is your idea, then you shouldn't be overthinking. And what are you doing to please her as what I want to know? Because she's getting some out of this. Are you doing anything in particular that's now her fantasy?

It's good to switch back and forth like that. That's a good question. Give us an update. Give us an update, Sean from San Antonio, Texas. A lot of Texas people lately. When we're on Playboy, I had a lot of people calling in from Texas. A lot of Texas people lately. When we were on Playboy, I had a lot of people calling in from Texas. I know, you loved it.

What's going on over there? It's a big state. Yeah. It's like a small nation in Texas. It really is. I don't know. We do have a lot of people from Texas and from all over the world.

Okay, let's move into our topic. Wendy, Stregar, got it. Wendy, what's your website? Goodcleanlove.com. Goodcleanlove.com. Okay, and we can check out all your stuff there. You're a loveologist, a sexual health educator, and CEO of GoodcleanLoveProductLine.

You've been married for 27 years. That's amazing. And you four children. Oh my God. She's a medal just for that. That is amazing. You're from Eugene, Oregon. Okay, so how did you get started

giving relationship advice? Well, so I have been married for 27 years. It's amazing. You should actually get in the bus. Almost 28 next month. And I'm a Scorpio, so I really like sex. And I had a lot of babies. And so when you have babies and you nurse them, you have your body changes. And so I had a lot of dryness and pain with sex and that actually makes you not want to have sex because you have pain. So that's called sexual dysfunction.

And you know, but a lot of people don't even know that they're in that cycle. And then if you use some ingredients, like the doctor will say, use a lubricant. But some people, once you get that set of symptoms of symptoms will get itching and burning from the ingredients. So I actually was really sensitive to propylene glycol and polyethylene glycol and methyl and propylparaben. And every time I used it it would be like I was on fire. And so I'd have to soak for like three hours. So even if I had norgasm, it was a little tainted.

And so I was searching for a product that didn't make me sick. That was like 10 years ago. And I was really like, necessity was the mother of invention. And I started inventing things in my kitchen. Good for you. And that's how scientists find nature as a part of our business. I say that I'm a natural kind of, I do homeopathy. I do homeopathy.

I do homeopathy. I do homeopathy. And so the first products we found actually were love oils, and they actually change your brain chemistry while you kiss, because you're not actually the sexiest part of your body, and you know this, is your brain. Right, under sex organ. Well, so you're, yeah, so where your nose ends,

your olfactory bulb is actually your limbic brain, and that's where memory and sexuality, the emotion have to turn on in order for your generals to do anything. And so our love oils actually wake up the limbic brain and actually we also know that a rousal proceeds desire. So even if you've been in a partnership for a long time and you're not really feeling it or you're not in the mood, if you actually do something where you wake up your sense of smell, that actually can remind you, oh, sexy, that's right, I like sexy.

So where do you put the oils on you? So actually you use oils, you put them on your lips and you come close enough to kiss and you just inhale. My husband calls it smoking me. I love it. So I'm just, and it works for you. It works for millions of people, absolutely. And this is your own brand.

Yeah, but actually people can make their own also. If they know they have certain sense that they love, you just use 1% dilution, you don't need a lot, but essential oils are alive. It takes 50,000 pounds of roses to make one pound of essential rosy. And so for some essential oils, it's more valuable than gold.

I haven't heard much about that. But actually, this has been true for centuries. All of the great libraries through history, actually, a cinnamon and cardamom were more valuable than gold historically, because they knew the power of their love potential. That's amazing. And so, that's how I kind of tapped that. And then, as we went, people really said,

you need a water-based product because, you know, for penetration. And so, we have a beautiful organic lubricant that we promote, and we sell nationwide. We have it at Good Vibes, and, you know, for penetration. And so we have a beautiful organic lubricant that we promote and we sell nationwide. We have it at Good Vibes and you know, all the really sex-positive places really love our stuff. It's good, clean love, personal lubricant. But here's the thing about lubricant, you know, is that the best lubricant in the world is only as good as your readiness to be penetrated.

So if you're doing fast food sacks, hook-up sacks, that's five minutes, that's really actually pretty shitty sacks. Right, exactly. And it's especially shitty if you don't trust the person you're with, and it's even shittier if you walk away feeling bad about yourself. Exactly. So my products, I always tell people, don't use this on somebody

you don't love, because I don't want to promote any more stuff that's harmful. I know you said that's your UK men. She sent me much of products. She's like, use it with some of you love. I'm like, okay, well, it might take a while, but I just want to go. Well, then save it for that guy.

I'm going to get. What's the expiration date? Thanks for the products for sending me. Yeah, I'm totally happy for you to have those and to share them with somebody. But so you were going to ask me about intimacy. Yeah, why is intimacy important? Because you have your book here.

It's called Love that Works, a Guide to Enduring intimacy. So I wanted to know, why do you think why is intimacy important? Because you have your book here. It's called love that works a guy to enduring intimacy. So I wanted to know why do you think intimacy is so important and what in your sex? What is your sex life missing if you lack intimacy with a person? I don't explain it. People are like, oh, he's intimacy issues. She is intimacy issues. What how would you break it down? Well, and actually those are sex issues, right? So you know, and actually people think that they can judge what's going on in their relationship by how good or bad their sex is. But, you know, intimacy is sort of the container that allows good sex to happen. And so, you know, the reason it's important is that at the end of your life, whenever that should be, you're a beautiful young girl, I know you don't have those thoughts right now, but I'm 50 now, I just turned 50. And I can tell you that life goes fast,

ridiculously fast. And I want to tell you that at the very end game, the only thing you're going to care about is who you loved and who loved you back. That's it. It doesn't matter how cool your car is, it doesn't matter where your house is, it matters who you love and who loves you back.

And if you're interested in sex and sexuality, the best sex that is available to anybody, forget about all the toys and believe me, I know all those people that make toys, I make stuff myself. But having somebody look you in the eye and make love to you and really actually love you, that is transcending sex. And that is where orgasm is available to you in a way that is not available in any other way. And so that's why intimacy is important. And I, actually, people would always come to me and they would come into my booth and

be like, they would never say, well, how to use this loop. They would say, how can my wife won't have sex with me? You know, I would say, I get that's fun. I get that question every day. Right. And so then I would ask them about the container that holds this sex life. So how are they thinking about their relationship? Because you know if you've been with a guy and he has bad thoughts

about you, he doesn't have to say anything and you know what it is. And there are so many people who have bad thoughts about themselves and they... So forget about self-esteem, how about just straight on negativity? You know, you have 250,000 thoughts in a day and if 80% of them are negative, how can you possibly receive love from anybody? Even if somebody's loving you, you might not feel it. So if you don't feel it, or you feel like somebody's thinking bad thoughts

about you, which they might be, but whether that's true or not, sometimes we imagine it's true, and then it's like, how can you be safe to open to the most vulnerable space of discovering what pleasure is for you? So that's the first thing is how you all work. Though, if someone comes in and says,

my wife, she's negative, she doesn't like her body, she doesn't like her work, I always say therapy, right? I mean, that's kind of thing you can't really do on your own. We're like someone who's full on negative all the time. You know, actually, I had a positivity question, hopefully someday you'll invite me back to teach you about it. And I grew up in a real negative space and I can tell you that it took me 82 days

of actually really looking at my thoughts. And because once you become conscious of your own negative thoughts, it was exactly. But for me, because I've been doing it for 48 years, it took me 82 days. But for, I'm doing this project in the high school and kids in 10 days, in 15 days, just from watching how they think we made these bracelets that says you are what you think, the Buddha said that, and inside the band

says think positive. And you know, a positive thought is not like this overjoyed. It can be curious. It can just be, I wonder about this. And so it's just really about creating an open space. And that is so essential in a relationship that you want to be sexual in. Because if you're not at least curious and wondering, then what are you doing there?

You're gonna feel shitty about it. Don't do it. But couples aren't connecting. You're one person is having like, one person is going through a negative space and a negative time. I know what you're saying. And I'm always saying that to people too,

like you gotta turn it around, you gotta think positive thoughts. I totally get it, but sometimes it's easier said than done. No, but here's the thing. I'm, you know, and believe me, I know this's easier said than done. No, but here's the thing, you know, and believe me, I know this. Positive advice for two years, but here's the thing,

it's not about like force yourself to think a positive thought. It's like, can you just at least look at the thought you're having and ask yourself, is this true? Right. A lot of times we spin off and we tell stories and because they're comfortable and familiar, we repeat them.

They become true through our repetition. What's actually a great gift and something I've learned from meditation is, can you just be still? My husband, he's, you know, he doesn't talk a lot, but usually when he says things, it's like they're really good. My kids are like, when daddy talks, we have to listen. I'm talking all the time. But he says, can you just be neutral?

You know, like don't even look for this high space, but can you just hold, if you're in pain, be in pain. Right. You know, it's like let the sky be big and let it move through you. And don't take your lover hostage from it. You know, they can't make you feel better, but maybe they can just be next to you.

And you can hold your own pain. And that is actually, you know, a lot of people ask me, how do you have intimacy or how do you make intimacy last over time? And there's a your own pain. And that is actually, you know, a lot of people ask me, how do you have intimacy or how do you make intimacy last over time? And there's a couple big secrets. And one of them is to really understand that anybody that you're with for any period of time, and this is over, after you're over that six months, I'm in love with you. You're the best person in the whole world.

That's what I usually break up. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right at that moment, it's like like here's what you've got you've got what's really lovable about them and you know those things deeply and you've got what's really annoying about them and when you're grown up and you want to

be in a relationship for a long time the mature love is where you hold those things side by side so it's like we get so consumed with what's wrong with somebody that we forget what we love about them and we forget about all that we've invested in that love. And that actually is fueling your desire. So just being able to hold those spaces side by side is so profound, it'll change every relationship you're in. I have to remember why you fell in love in the first place and all those things because they, they, they, they, they escape you. The bad stuff starts coming up and you have to remember. But the thing is, is that both of those things are true about all of us all the time

You know you're annoying and you're beautiful, right? You know and so you know can you be lovingly annoying? You know can you be lovingly annoying is the key? I'm working on it So and and same for all the guys who fall for you, you know they have this wonderful side to them and they also have this annoying side. And so, you know, at some point, you'll want to be able to hold that space. So it sounds like there's a lot of communication that couples have to do. Well, so that's the next piece of the container, right? That's the air. You know, I call this the ecology of love. And so, you know, I for so many years, because I'm a talker, I thought that it was all about what I said. And if I would just be able to figure out the right

way to say it, then somebody would get it, right? Because you and I were talkers, right? But actually, what I've recently learned, as I've really learned to receive and learn what gratitude is, is that usually really it's in the listening. So actually, if I can be quiet long enough to really hear not even the words that my teenage son might be telling me, because sometimes he doesn't know the words. Actually, often I think mostly we don't know what we're trying to say. We think we do. But if we listen, really listen with an open, curious heart, we hear what's behind the words.

And the amazing, miraculous thing about really deeply listening to somebody is that is what love feels like. People can't tell it apart. And just by that experience, they start to listen to you. So talk talk about deep intimacy all you have to do is be quiet and be present Okay, and I want to tell you that listening is a full-on action sport at least as much as sex You can't be texting somebody and listen to them. You can't be looking on I can listen Here's a thing

But but the whole thing is is that when you're texting believe me We have a no texting rule at the dinner table. When you're texting, you can't actually be fully attending to somebody, and really deeply listening to somebody is full attention. And we so rarely are able to do that in our culture because we're so busy, there's so many things to distract us. But really, if you take even five minutes

and full on, give that to somebody, that is the most powerful gift we have for anybody. So that's the second piece. And then the third piece is this feeling of being showing up for somebody, right? That's the water. And that actually keeps the passionate fire safe. And so if you don't actually show up, which means it's somebody's at your back, right? And that maybe means something different to you than it does to me. They do the wash, or they pick up the dog, or they take out the garbage.

Or for my husband, it means let him sit in peace quietly and not expect him to go to a chick flick just because I want him to. Exactly. Or maybe it means that he shows up and changes the flat tire for me and his work clothes. I mean, it means different things to different people, but a lot of couples

never get clear about what it means. And so then, even though the guy thinks he's showing up for you, the woman's like, yeah, you're never there for me. But he's showing up in the way you know what she means. Exactly. And so you have to really define what that means. And so here's the great news, Emily.

You know, for 30 years, I've been making love to the same man, because I was with him before I got married. So I must have made love to him, maybe 3,000 times years I've been making love to the same man because I was with him before I got married. So I must have made love to him maybe 3,000 times easily, maybe more. But and it's better every time. That's amazing. So, I mean, I have the best sex of any woman you will meet at my age after being married to the same man and not cheating on him.

So what's the secret? Those are the secrets that you do all those things that you listen. There's too much room for it, she can't take it all. Well, actually Emily's growing up and I know that she wants to have a deep and moving long lasting relationship in her life. And so she, it may be, you'll play this podcast again next time she meets somebody who thinks is Mr. Right. And you know, those are all the secrets to having great sex, right?

You actually show up for somebody so it's safe enough for you to explore what your erotic self is. Because this is really what's that do that work. So do you guys talk about your fantasies and stuff like that with each other? Or do you don't even need to? Well, yeah, but you know, actually for many, many years, I actually, it was took me a long time

to give myself permission to even look at my fantasies. Like, you know, the first question, the first question people ask when they go into a sex therapist offices is I'm am I normal right right so we're all afraid of our sexuality you know that I'm your emails right so because our sexuality is the most mysterious part of us It's like after we eat and sleep and drink we're sexual that's the next thing we are and it's like normal to be Sexual that's like really healthy but if you if you've had all kinds of weird education

or a weird relationship to your sexuality, then you're kind of afraid of it. And you're afraid that your expression of it is not normal. So if you bring those confusions into a relationship that's not safe or where somebody doesn't show up for you, how can you possibly be willing to explore it? So people have to feel safe with their partner

and being a safe place to stay the room. And that's even true. It's like, you know, you talk about your friends with benefits and your hookup. You know, is it safe to be with somebody who teases you as a joke? But, you know, there's sarcasm, you're at the brunt of it. That's not safe.

That feels like shit. Right, exactly. And so, you know, even those kind of friends with benefits things or, you know, those kind of like hookups. And believe me, I know about Ashley Madison and all that other stuff. And I know that the relationship, Amen, is a rare one. But I actually believe that we all have the seed of love and goodness in us. And if we would learn to cultivate, it's such basic skills that we need to do.

What the end of that is like really amazing sex that evolves you into a transformed person. I have, not only that, but who wants to have sex for seven minutes? That's not even sex. I don't know why she's abusing you all this time. You seem like a perfectly nice guy. I agree with a lot of your statements. I'm the one that wants to get married and have sex. I don't get married 40 years. No, no, no, but actually I'm going to keep working on you because I actually that's my highest aspiration for you, Emily, is that you find somebody that you could actually hold close in your heart and actually explore the depth of your of your of your sexuality. Absolutely. Because the truth is that we do this like stuff with all these people

and we think that we're gonna somehow get something but really going in so deep with one person, you actually get everything that you would get with the military. I know that. And so, we want to talk orgasm. I don't know how much time we have, but you want to dive into orgasm, which of course is the first question people ask, right? I mean, I get questions on my show too. Right. So what you're coming, yeah. And so because really after, am I normal, the next thing is, is how can I can orgasm, right?

Or how can I can't orgasm in this way or with this person, right? Because women can orgasm much more frequently by themselves than they can with their partners. And many women can orgasm in intercourse, and then they feel like, oh, how can I get that right? And so then what happens is that everybody feels like they have to perform. So they get into the bedroom and before they've even taken their clothes off, they're scared that they can't perform.

Right, and so here we are back at where we started, with the ground. So can you actually show up and actually be curious about who you are sexually? So then you have to feel safe to do that, right? And actually not be in a hurry. So for me, it's like love oil. I mean, I have to face this man every day.

We have all these bills. We have all this bullshit. We have these kids who don't listen to us. I mean, it's not like I live a fairy tale. I don't want anybody to think, oh, she's happily ever after. I keep working at my marriage. And actually, Sigmund Freud, the quote in the beginning of my book, is that love and work is the essence of humanity.

And love and work actually is the same word. And having that is the cornerstone of what it is that makes you human. So working at our relationships, that's the most valuable thing we do. And sometimes it's a goddamn pain in the ass. Yeah, true. And a lot of couples think if they have to work, they know it's not worth it. Well, they know you have to do the work. But when it's working, that's actually the real love.

They're real, right. Because it's like when you fall in love, that's not loving somebody. That's your biochemistry trying to get you to procreate for six months. Right. You gotta watch out for that. But learning how to love somebody is how you become the best part of yourself. And the benefit is that you get to explore what it means to be sexual. And so I could go on and on about orgasm.

But let's just talk quick about a couple tips on orgasm. So you take some time and you smoke somebody. You inhale them. And you feel your brain changing. You know, my love oils, they're sort of magical. You put it on anybody. You put it on anybody. It smells different than everybody that wears it. And any two people create a scent bridge

that's unique to the two of them. Smells different all over your body. And so all the time you're giving this information to your limbic brain, which is really the gateway for where sexual fantasy hangs out and all your sexual curiosity and your comfort with your erotic self. So you do that for a while and maybe now you're instead of seven minutes, you're at 12 minutes. And then we have these body candies, which are like vanilla chai or cocoa mint. They do this kind of hot cold thing, right?

And so try and imagine all the fun places that your sensitive tissue could enjoy that hot cold thing without having to put L-arganine and encourage yourself for any of this weird chemistry, this sort of petrochemical stuff. You can do that to yourself with your mind just by paying attention.

So you do a little oral sex, you kiss with a new flavor. You know you're suddenly at 17 minutes. You know, you reach for a bottle of lubricant at 17 minutes and you are going to have a profoundly different penetration experience because you've actually been attended to because you are in your mind. Yeah, and you're not trying to perform something. Sexuality is first sensuality.

So if you allow yourself actually the power of your senses, actually a touch to the side of the face is erotic. I agree. Feeling you on your hip, you know, our genitals are not just the only erotic place. I know. I mean, you know, the curve under your arm is erotic.

I know. So when you take this, when you take time, when you take the time to actually not need to get some place, and men have just as many problems about performing I mean for every woman that has sexual dysfunction there's almost as many men who are afraid they can't like they're going to prematurely ejaculate or they're going to or they're going to have so much of it is in their mind and they haven't done work to calm so the whole thing is is can you just be faced to face with somebody you actually care about

right and actually wonder just wonder be curious about what could happen to you. Exactly. And so I've been making love to the same guy. You think I would be bored as hell. No, I don't. He's very sexy. I know couple of things. I know I'm so sexy.

I'm sure. I'm so. But strong silent type doesn't talk a lot. And actually, I still even 30 years later have to say to him, OK, this would be a good time to say something romantic to me. Right. We just had this remarkable sexual experience. How about like, you're, and so now we're going to be able to say, you know, I still even 30 years later have to say to him, okay, this would be a good time to say something romantic to me. Right. Right. Right. We just had this remarkable sexual experience. How about like, you're, and so, you know, now he's getting a little bit better.

I've talked about some lies so hard. Right. You know, or, you know, he's like, turn me on. Actually, the best thing for somebody to say to you is that you make my whole life meaningful. Right. Ah. So it's like, or I'd be nothing without you. Or, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, whatever. I want to know that I make a difference. Right. Ah. So it's like, or I'd be nothing without you. Or, you know, it's like, you know, it's like,

whatever, I wanna know that I make a difference in somebody's life. And, you know, and so. It's something that you're doing a good job and you're doing good work for other people. Good, clean love is your website. Right, and I actually write a blog that actually won Best Blog Sex Relationship Blog

of 2011 from Intent.com. It's called Making Love Sustainable. Okay. And I'd love to put you on my mailing list because I write stuff every week about how to do this love work. Yeah. And everyone's check out your blog and your website.

Absolutely, and I'd love to be on it. Yeah, okay, good. And I would love to have you on my radio show sometime if you would do it. I would absolutely do it. Lunch with the loveologist. Okay. And I interview all kinds of great sex therapists

and books, book authors, and... I'd love to be on your show. Yeah, I'd love to have you, Emily. Okay. And I interview all kinds of great sex therapists and books, book authors and I love to be in your show. Yeah, I'd love to have you Emily. Okay, let's do it. And next time you get into a relationship that you're going to bail out, I want you to come. Oh, you're the first cop before I dump. Yeah, please, please, I'm not going to dump this guy. No, I'm actually with someone that I like right now. Okay, well, so actually when you start to say when you love him, yeah, when you start to say that you love him and it starts to be a little annoying, then you and I need to do a few comfortable. For sure. Okay. Okay. It needs to ground me. Give me some love oil. So, yeah. How's that? What do you think? Does it make you want to fall low in love?

I want to see these oils. I know me too. Do you send me some of the world? Right? Yeah. I'd be happy to send you some and you could interview me on your show in the morning. I'd even get up early to talk about good time. I'd be happy to send you some and you could interview me on your show in the morning. I'd even get up early to talk about loving sad. I get up very early. Yeah, I know why. It's nice. It happens to me when I drive my kids to tennis practice.

OK. Thank you so much Wendy. I appreciate it. I would love it to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Great having you. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily.

It was a good for you. Email me. Feedback at sexwithamely.com. feedback at saxwithamily.com.