Sex With Emily - SWE: The Breakup

Episode Date: March 28, 2012

Emily talks to Rachel A Sussman, author of "The Breakup Bible," to learn how to move through breakups in a more healthy, constructive way. Rachel talks about the huge mistakes women make during breakups, taking accountability, and creating a 'Personal Love Map' to understand your breakup patterns and yourself better. Debate: using coupons on the first date, free plastic surgery for Brazil's poor, giving up the Internet for sex, profuse sweating during sex, losing an erection, and the importance of confidence. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Evelyn You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. It's a lie. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry?

It shrinks. And we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. So, you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwellme.com where you can watch and listen to the show. You can watch this. If you're listening, you can watch a video. It's very exciting. It's me talking to camera. Hello, hello.

And today's show, we is about breakups. The breakup Bible. We have the author Rachel Susman on the show. It's the guide to healing from a breakup or divorce. I thought this would be relevant. A lot of our listeners break up, right? They get in the rush to the breakup. I've been gone through breakups. So we're going to talk about

that. We've got sex, the news, and we're reading your emails that you sent to feedback at sexzemy.com. You can follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, sex with Emily and menace at white menace, all those places too. Everything. Everything. How you doing, menace? I'm good. I had an amazing weekend. Yeah. I went and saw hunger games. Yeah. That was cool. Was good. Yeah, I haven't seen you for a while. I miss you. I know. I know. Right. Well, I'm gonna get all into my Vegas trip on a Friday show, but okay. Not right now, but I'm gonna tell you that today's show is brought to you by Hot Rocks It's a organic libido enhancer. Now, you're thinking, what? Organic crazy bubble-blot.

It's actually amazing. I've been taking it now for a month. It gives women more energy, stronger orgasms, natural self-generating lubrication, and it's also for men. It gives men more stamina, harder erections, and more intense orgasms. Pills take a little bit time to kick in.

As I can tell you, I've been taking them for about three weeks and I'm finally feeling kickin. And they have a money back guarantee, 30 day money back guarantee if you don't like it. So go to hot rocks.com. It's r-a-w-k-s.com and you will love them, I promise. So you got to try them out. So anyway, yeah, here I am. So the guy I've been dating has been out of town and I've been spending lots of time with my dog and she sleeps on my pillow and it's really cute and I kind of don't really miss him that much. I just like love my dog. Is that sad and wrong?

That's weird. I actually got a text message from another show today and Ellison was like, oh yeah, there was this girl I was dating, but her pit bull slept in the bed with her and her bed's stink like the dog. So my dog's little and not stinky. Your dog stinks. Just because she farted on you one, it doesn't mean she stinks all the time.

She is. Fowl. Don't be mean about my dog. OK, I don't appreciate it. Dog is foul. So yeah, so that's what's going on. And we've got lots of stuff going on with the website and changes. And if you check out our site, see what you think.

If you've got any suggestions to the show and a guest you want to And if you check out our site, see what you think if you've got any suggestions to the show and a guest you want to hear topics you want to hear about, you can always email us at feedback at sexwithamlee.com. This is funny, we had a topic last week about, what was the last week on my mind? It's all over the place about deal breakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my friend heard it and he's like, oh yeah, back in the 90s, you know, coupons were big. Well, they, yeah. And my friend heard it and he's like, Oh, yeah, back in the 90s, you know, coupons were big. Well, they've had a surgery. But he's like, yeah, I try to take this girl to black angus and be all nice. I said, I bust it out. Coupon. And she made fun of me. We totally didn't even mention that one. That's a bad deal breaker. The coupon. We've talked about this in the past. If you got a coupon, you can slip it to the waitress when the person's not looking. But slipping a coupon when you're on a date is a total deal.

You break up. You can't really slip a coupon. I would, I'm a Jew. We like coupons. But seriously, yeah, that was a fun show, the breakup show. I've wanted to listen to it. It was last week at the breakup show, the deal breaker show. That's one of my favorite topics, because we posted

on our Facebook page. We got so many responses in Twitter. Because people got a lot of deal breakers. Things have pissed them off, and I think that we can all learn from that. Like, oh shit, I'm the one who talked on my cellphone during the meal, that's a deal breaker. Or whatever.

But it's a coupon ideal breaker for you if a guy brings a coupon. I just think he's kidding. Why? Because he's still paying for the meal. I know, but you're like, oh, it'd be a deal breaker if he went touch on the meal. But now since the guy's like saving a couple bucks, you're still making a deal breaker, that's not fair.

Can it be more surreptitious about it and like slowly like quietly slip into the way it dress? Like I just don't think you're gonna buy a few. I'm sure it would try, but if you've seen the coupon, then it's just on the table. I don't, don't. Yeah, save your coupon for the night out with your buddies. That doesn't reflect it on you.

Just stuff like that. Why? I don't want to go out yet. I don't know. First date, maybe if we've been dating for a while. For a whole digger issue. Listen to me, first date, not a good idea. If we've been dating for a while and he's like,

babe, got this great coupon. Let's go to this fun restaurant. I'm down. But first date, not good. That just says you're like cheap or something. Even though coupons, I use coupons. I love coupons. You just want the first date. You don't want to coupons, I use coupons, I love coupons. You just want the first date you don't want to be like,

oh, he's using a coupon on me. I'm not good enough for the full price. I have gift cards to Taco Bell. I'll bet you do. Do they send you them because you're always complaining about Taco Bell? No, I'm never complaining about that. Not complaining, but you want that famous Taco

back from the 80s or something. It was from 1997. It was called the four- double-decker taco, and they have yet to bring it back. But that's besides the point. How did you get out of? You've like two clients for Taco Bell, what do they have for $22?

$22 and like you could buy 100 tacos. Yeah, some like $20 worth of Taco Bell. That's really exciting about it. Oh, I want to go with you. Do you? No. Why not? It's all about you. Because I was a to go with you. Do you? No. No, it's not.

It's not so. I was a cocktail waitress in college at University of Michigan. And I was a cocktail waitress for four years, and they had a Taco Bell in the bar, like a little Taco Bell counter. So we got Taco Bell 2am when the bar closed every night, and I've never been able to eat Taco Bell since. So nice. I mean, then it was good, because we were always drinking on the job, too.

So we were drunk and eating Taco Bell at 2am. And I'm just kind of over it. I never was, I've never been able to go back to Taco Bell. I'm sorry to say. So that's how it is. But I've got a little bit of sex in the news for us here. If you'd like to hear it, free plastic surgery for Brazil's poor. It sounds like something Maria Antoinette might say.

If they're going to beg, they can at least be nice to look at. Free Botox and laser hair removal, free chemical peels and anti-cellulate treatments may at first seem shockingly frivolous in a country like Brazil, which despite great economic growth in recent years, still battles extreme poverty and diseases. But the philosophy behind the more than 220 clinics

that treat the poor, beauty is a right and the poor deserve to be ravishing too Wow, I want to go there and get some Botox Brazil has some of the most beautiful women in the world I know and now even the poor even more beautiful than ever Brazil I just heard it's very dangerous to visit there. Why oh dangerous dangerous like not safe for a traveler Right, but I would love to go there. I was there once. It was amazing. Okay.

One in five would give up sex rather than the internet. A global survey of 20,000 people found out what modern man will forego in order to keep his internet. At the top of the list, booze, chocolate, and sex. 73% would give up alcohol to go online, but only 10% of people would want to give up their car. 12% would give up coffee, coffee, and a resounding 20% would give up sex over an internet connection.

But the top of the list, 73% would give up alcohol. That's amazing, only 20% sex though, so that's not that high. I wouldn't give up sex, but when I want to get online, I want to get online, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I want to give up any of that for sex. No. No. Okay, well that's what people would say. You wouldn't give up any of that for sex. No. No. Okay. Well, that's what people would say.

You wouldn't give up any of that for sex. I mean, I want to give it up, saying, I'll give up the internet so I can have sex. People love those stories. There's always like, would you give up, would you rather have any pair of jeans or sex than women always choose jeans? Or would you have with chocolate bar or sex?

No, no, no, I rather have sex in any of that stuff. Oh good, I don't really care. I'm glad to hear that. The only reason I'm on the internet so much is for work. It's just building a network. That's all the care. Except for on the weekends when you're Instagramming and tweeting all week. It's fun. Yeah. I don't find it as fun as you do. You don't? No, I don't know. That's what you need. I spark a lot of conversation because I reply back to people. You just don people you just i reply back not every single person but i reply back i don't have time on the on twitter on facebook you do

you don't see your respond well you can't unless i'm falling that person okay or i don't know i do i do it's part of the biz uh... kate parry botches brazen hookup attempt the single siren probably thought it was a good idea passing out a phone number to the various kutestud she's's just spotted at the cheat she she she she asked her parties including Elton John's annual bash But miss siren scheme backfired big time friends of reported that Katie got calls from a lot of creeps and drunks After the guy she gave her number two were passing it on to the other guys what so she gave her number to some hot Prospects and they were like hey you want to call Katie Perry? I feel like kind of a loser some drunk. I call you.

Is this really gated bear? I really got you number. Yeah, that's okay. Any other news that you got on your TMZ reports? Nothing like sexual really is going on. Did you see last week that Kim Kardashian Yes, all the powder on her. Yeah, what was that about just because she's ring for? Yeah, but I don't really ever see her wear for. I guess she was and

they threw powder on her. I guess she wasn't wearing for right then. She wasn't. I thought she was. Some crazy chick poured powder on her, which I guess it was flour, I found out, and said, called her a fur hag. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I'm wearing a faux fur today, but that's, you know, most people wear faux fur. I mean, I couldn't even afford a real fur, but not that I would buy one at all. Okay, we've got some emails from the peeps.

So thanks everyone for emailing us at feedback at sexwithedemily.com. You can also email us right through the website and stuff like that. Okay, so hi Emily, I'm wondering if you have any suggestions about my problem. I'm 41 and my girlfriend is 50 and I'm extremely attracted to her, but when we get into bed I can only perform a little at a time and often lose my erection. I don't understand this since I'm able to stay hard while enjoying porn, but I'm not able to go all the way when making love to her. Please help.

Any suggestions will be appreciated, although also I do finish when she performs oral, but like I said when we start actually having sex I have a problem. Thanks Kenneth from Nebraska. So I'm wondering, do this problem just start? You've been together your girlfriend's 50. You're very attracted to her. So I'm not sure if this is a lot of times when men lose their erections. It's like kind of something like a logical happens when they're going inside there and maybe it happened once and so it's happening again. And so if you can get out of your head literally and just kind of focus on the sensations that you're feeling, it might not happen. I really feel that if it happens once to a guy or a woman, something happens actually,

that we keep thinking in our mind that it's going to happen again. But you should also get checked out by your doctor. You could have some pills you could take, you could take Viagra. I don't always go towards the pills as the first thing, but I would get checked out. I would ask your doctor to see if anything else is going on, but the fact that you can stay hard during porn leads me to believe that it is more of a psychological issue. This book that I always talk about called the multi-organismic man and that really helps men, if you read this book, you could probably download it if you're kindle or something

too, or your iPad or wherever people read books these days. And you can check out the book. I think that would be really helpful, but I mean, at least you're finishing when she performs oral, but it's just the inner course that ever happened you maybe what's going on down there. You know, you know, what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Is he throwing a hot dot? Oh, you mean she big? Yeah, maybe, you know, she's a little bit older, had a lot of experience. No, minus that is the dumbest thing. That's not even true. How's that not even true? The women's vaginas are bigger and looser and I don't know.

How's that not true? I don't think so. Why do you have cagle camp if that's not true? Cagle camp is not to close your vagina up. It's to strengthen your PC muscles. It's totally different. It's muscles that you need to contract and release them and exercise them to have stronger orgasms. What happened to them then? Well, you need to contract and release them and exercise them to have stronger orgasms. What happened to them then?

Well, you, everyone needs to strengthen them. He's talking about my app, Kegelcamp, which you should download right now from the iTunes store. And it helps men maintain their actions. So this is for Kenneth too. If you do your exercises five minutes a day, Kegels. So for men and for women, they will help you with your sex life, I promise. And it's not because it doesn't make your vagina smaller. It just makes the muscles stronger so you can tense and relax them when you're having sex.

All right. Menace. Okay. Hi, Emily. I'm 17. And my boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have a great relationship, but we're having a bit of a problem in the bedroom. I sweat a lot.

We only started having intercourse, but rather recently, so it has never been an issue before. We were getting intimate. But now it's becoming a huge problem. So much of these becoming turned off by it. He said that it didn't bother him that much, but I can tell it's getting on his nerves. One, the world can I do. Sylvie from Hamilton, Ontario, California. Okay, so I've heard of excessive sweating and there are a lot. Does it only happen when you're in the bedroom or does it happen like in your day-to-day life, like if you're nervous, or if you're at work, or something, or at school?

But there's some things you can do for excessive sweating. They actually prescribe Botox. Yeah. So it looks expensive, but you can like shoot it in your armpits, and it'll stop your sweating for like three, four months at a time. But I would definitely go to your doctor and get checked out. There's also, if you're taking any meds, like any depressants, that can cause excessive sweating as well.

So I'm wondering if you've mixed anything up lately that could cause the sweating, but I don't know why that would turn them off, but that's when you have a woman with sweating a lot during sex. During sex now. No, it's kind of hot, more of the more, you're all slippery and stuff,

but I'm wondering if it's happening at other times in your life too. Of course, you got to do the laundry after. I don't want to clean this. Yeah other times in your life too. Of course, you got to do the laundry after I don't want to clean this. Yeah, Amanda doesn't like dirty sheets and you got to do the laundry, but you know, sometimes I sweat during sex. I'm wondering, you live in Ontario, it's not so cold, it sounds a little hot there. So I would get checked out by your doctor because there are some people that just have those genes that make them excessively sweat. Yes, that I see no MTV.

Botox. MTV did a whole special on it. On excessive sweating? Yeah, you should Google it. And what do they say to do? Well, there's not too much you can do, but they did talk about the Botox thing and stuff. Did they? Yeah, I mean, it's expensive.

It's a couple hundred bucks, but you shoot in your armpits, you don't sweat. Try that out. Okay, dear Emily, also want to pits, you don't sweat. Let's try that out. Okay. Dear Emily, also want to say, I'm thinking about something as a possible show topic, confidence. You've mentioned it once before, but maybe a beer is repeating in a more detail. I had a girlfriend who was on the heavy side when I was in college, but I think she was so confident it didn't matter. She was fun to be around, and I think I would have picked her over somebody who was slimmer,

not saying not to be healthy, just that self confidence is great, and I think I would have picked her over somebody who was slimmer not saying not to be healthy Just that self confidence is great and I think important for men and women have a great weekend Greg from Denver Well Greg we talk about that all the friggin time confidence is so So important that it's actually the number one thing that people say is attractive in a man and a woman and we could do a show topic on that How to cultivate confidence a lot of it has to do with? And we could do a show topic on that, how to cultivate confidence. A lot of it has to do with getting deep into your own issues and realizing what's making you have low self-esteem and insecurities. But that really is, we all hold ourselves back in life.

If you look at most of life circumstances, the things that hold us back as our own fears and our own fears are related to our own insecurities and our insecurities are related to our confidence. So you have to cultivate confidence. Yeah, and just not overconfidence because you're coping with. Don't be cocky. Yeah, you're coping with, no, some are just like, I don't know really how to explain it, but some people are trying to hide that they're not confident. So they're like overly confident, but not in a cocky way, but it's kind of hard to explain.

You have to be around it. Right. You mean people who are, like, they don't have that much confidence, but I'm going to show everybody that I'm confident. That still shows that you're insecure if you're overconfident. Yeah. And I had to work on it.

I wasn't always the most confident, but I feel like, I'm pretty confident now. But I think it comes with getting older and like recognizing your weaknesses. We all have weaknesses, we're not perfect. And I think it also comes from this notion that we're supposed to move around here. I think comes this notion that we're all

think that we have to be perfect and that all of our weaknesses make us less and so. And I think if you learn to celebrate your weaknesses and be like, I think half of the battle in life is that you've got these weaknesses and you've got things that your challenges and your challenges in life don't really change, but it's embracing them and then going towards your strengths. Like, what am I really good at?

And how can I blow that up? Like, I think it worked too. Like, I'm really like my passion and what I think I'm good at is doing the radio show. Like, dealing with the website, the billing, and the invoicing, that stuff I hate. You got to have other people do that stuff for you. So eventually you just go through your strengths, right? Don't you feel like you're a job?

You get to play with your strengths. Yeah. Like I hate writing. So I have my assistant write all my stuff for me. Exactly. I don't love writing. But I still have time for it. Do you try to receive emails not written by me, but written by my assistant?

I'm so sad. I'm so sad because I thought they were all from you. And then I sent you negative pictures and then it went to your thing, whatever. Oh, I never saw them. You never saw the naked photos? You're your assistance in keeping them? She's see blocking. Man, no, I, uh, she's in Spain right now, so I'm screwed.

Okay. She is. You can't write a word when she's on the top. Nothing. But what I'm saying is a lot of people, this is the thing with confidence. A lot of people would be like, wow, you can't write. That sucks. But like, you're like, I don't like writing. I'm not a writer and you get people to do things for you.

Or you just like, don't get a job where you're writing or you get someone else to help you. So I just think that why people aren't confidence, because I think they have to be perfect and you don't have to be perfect. Okay, I know. Hell's up there. People are like, well, just don't be whiny about it.

Like, oh, I can't do this. I can't do that. You know, some people get all down about that question. I know, I know, I know. But confidence in self-esteem, they also say for sacks, if you're not confident and you don't buy self-esteem, that that really wreaks havoc in the bedroom too.

So I think that's a great topic, Greg. And we're going to do a show all about confidence. Do it. I love it. OK, well, we can get our guest on the phone in the minute. She wrote a book called The Breakup Bible. It says it's a smart guy to healing for a from a breakup or divorce. She's a licensed therapist.

Rachel Susman wrote the book. And every year, it says, one million women divorcing the United States and millions of others break up, even with many experiencing heartache, spending women feel isolated and alone. So this is how to help people get through breakups. And she uses three phases of healing, understanding, and transformation. And we're going to get into some of her questions. We're going to ask her some questions about this book and how you can get over break up. Because we all go through breakups, right?

I know guys have an easier time doing the breakups, so they think, I believe that men are like delayed on breakups. Like they just go on bang everything and then six months later They get upset but women deal with them in the moment. It's true women deal with breakups in the moment In the moment in the moment oh Hi Rachel. This is Emily and menace from the sexual family show. You're on you're on the air. Hello Hello, how are you nice to speak to you nice to speak to you. Nice to speak to you too. Thank you so much.

We were just talking about your book, The Breakup Bible. And I think it's going to help a lot of our listeners. So I'm wondering. I'm certainly hoping to have that effect that's where I wrote it. I love it. Because we get so many emails and people talking about like, how do I get over a breakup? How do I get back into it?

I want to have sex again, but I'm not sure how to start having sex again. So tell me about the story behind this book and why you wrote it. Well, I went through an experience about five years ago where so many of my clients, friends, and my sister had just gone through really bad breakups and divorces. And I really was impressed with how some people recovered so well and they were putting in their time and they were using me as a confidant and they were moving on and going on to great relationships. And I saw a lot of other people just making colossal mistakes, not doing the work to figure out why their relationship ended or what part they played in it or going out there and like furiously dating or sleeping with people.

Right. they played in it or going out there and like furiously dating or sleeping with people right hurt again and i said you know this is just a companion guide that every woman can use after a break up so what were some of the common issue you said that so people were doing it right and people were doing it wrong so what was the wrong thing like i'm sure a lot of you can relate like oh my god i do that so what were some of the things that not wrong i think i think there are many wrong things that right you know one of them is just not

accepting that your break up is over in the relationship with florida and just not being able to move on and that might include some stalking behavior right like you know showing up inside the person's office but over calling on or over texting or trying to get your boyfriend to meet up with you when they clearly don't want to. I think that's a big mistake and it makes people feel simply awful about themselves in their circumstance. Right, exactly. And I found with a lot of women, a lot of my friends who've gone through breakups, I feel like that took them forever,

if ever, to get to the point where they were willing to look at what their part of it was. took them forever, if ever, to get to the point where they were willing to look at what their part of it was. Last but not least, such a crucial thing that you made. Yeah, like they were like, oh, he's this, he's that, and they just wanted to go off and all the bad things that I did. I'm like, okay, it takes two to tango,

you're 50% part of this relationship. But when women are like raging with anger about someone, they just don't want to look at it at themselves and what their purpose. It is a process. It is. And, you know, I've written the book in a building block fashion. First, there's healing, then there's understanding, and then there's transformation.

And healing is that early part of the breakup where you just, we have so many emotions cascading through your body. You can feel completely sad and overwrought one day and then the next day will be furious and then you can feel very embarrassed or ashamed or very guilty. And that is part of the process, just processing those feelings. And then when you're feeling a little better, then I move women into the understanding stage and I give them an exercise called creating your personal love map. Oh, I love it.

That's when you can figure out why you were dating this person, how you both behaved in a relationship, and how you're mourning your loss. And I do have a whole chapter on accountability, because if you don't understand the part that you played in the breakup, you're just destined to make those say the same thing over and over again. Exactly.

And it's such good lessons that you can learn that not just for the relationships the issues you might have been making in the relationship you're also making it work you're also making with friends so it's really about breakups but i think it's also about it's a really good self-discovery tool to going through these steps yeah thank you so much for saying that because that's really what it is about it is about self-reflection and you're right about the patterns i mean you know we do the same things with our lovers that we do with our friends, sometimes our parents.

And the more that you can be self-aware and take responsibility, you can really live a great life and a happier and a healthier life. Exactly. It's a transformation. So, yeah. And I was going to say people can't stop breakups, correct? Because sometimes somebody wants to break up and the other person doesn't want to. There's nothing that they can do breakups, correct? Because sometimes somebody wants to break up

and the other person doesn't want to. There's nothing they can do about it, right? Well, I think that a lot of breakups you know happen because of, there's many different things going on in the relationship that might be causing that to happen. And you know, you can have good communication skills and try to communicate with your partner

to see if you're breaking up over the right reason but if someone is held bent on breaking up they are going to do that. Right and you can't do anything about it. You just gotta look at what happened. You say they take this holistic approach to looking at the whole relationship. You talked about healing as the first stage and an understanding as a second stage, the second chapter, second part of the book. Yes.

So an understanding, what's that about? Well, understanding is that section where I really, you know, that's the love map. That's the love map. To get involved with their love map and to figure out where their relationship pattern started, how they developed, the way the why they even chose this person, how they behaved in their relationship, and then they can really start to see all i see maybe this wasn't the best relationship for me to be the first place right that's really you know your uh-huh moment like it wasn't meant to be right and

then what about what is the the love map can talk more about that can you do a love map okay well i do love that in the personal love and I give you a whole diagram in the book, it shows you that your personality is formed vis-à-vis four different areas. One is psychology, which is kind of attachment theory, how you attach to different people and why, for instance, very unbeknownst to many of us.

If we had a critical parent, we might find ourselves attracted to to a critical lover not even realizing that that's what's going on right and it's really also about how yourself a steam was born I mean you can come from a great family but maybe you were teased as a child or you didn't feel attractive or everyone in your family was athletic but you weren't so I give you these different areas to trace, but culture you come from, how you feel about yourself the way you were raised. And you know, this is really how we get to look at ourselves as a human being and say, well, wow, I kind of don't have the kind of self-esteem that I want to be because of this. So I've been attracted to the wrong people. And it will really help you shift any patterns. You can

go out and date you know healthier men and have better make out your choices right and what about self-esteem that is a huge one for women and for men that how do you if you have low self-esteem like what do you do think it really is about going back and figuring out where it came from and how to build it I mean how do you help people build it because it is really something that not only a picture relationships but your your your sex life, a lot of women with low self-esteem, are not able to have great sex lives.

So what do you do that so much in life? Yeah. Practice that women having sexual problems because they're not confident in their body or the way they look so they can't really get into that and be their full sexual self. You know, I think that if you look back into your past and you look hard everyone will figure out why their self-esteem is as it is and you know having a high school-aged daughter and you can give a kid as much

love as you can but then so much that happens exactly be a kid with a learning disability you can be a kid that you don't like the way your hair looks and you know i've had women say to me you know when i was in when i was in grade school in high school i had the frizzy is here you know right it's really crazy things and it's sometimes like i said you know from a great family but you have poor self-esteem for other reasons maybe through prejudice or poverty or all different

kind of reasons and when you can figure out how yourself the steam was formed, that's when you can go about turning things around. That's so interesting. If you know why you feel bad about yourself, then you can say, well, this kind of isn't a valid reason. Right. Or if I don't like the way I look, maybe I need to get to the gym.

And don't feel better about my body. Right, that's so good. That's so important. It's great to have a tool, too, for people to direct them right to those gym and that's actually better about my body right that's so good that's so important that's it's great to have a tool to for to get people to direct them right to those those key points that made them insecure in the first place so what are some mistakes that people make what are some of the common mistakes you think they make after another really common one over the last decade or

so is of course the internet right and it's it's Facebook stalking or spying on your ex through his Facebook posts, through his tweets. And I think it just gives us all more information than we need. So I beg my clients and anyone reading this book, I say defriend them on Facebook. Defriend them, yes. Defriend defriend. Erase the phone number.

Arase everything. Don't save old voicemails. Don't save old texts. You know, block them on your email. You need to really have a huge period of the Eurocontact. Exactly. You really do. It's true, and it's the hardest thing to do,

because it's like an addiction. It's like quitting a habit, you know's like addiction and you know and one of my clients confessed to me yesterday you know that you know that she looks at her ex-boyfriend's Facebook status every single day yeah she said it's killing her she says oh he's going to parties I've seen with other women and you know what I do what I say to women like that is compare yourself to other women in your circumstance who have moved on and a creating self-esteem and they're doing a what i do what i say to women like that is compare yourself to other women in your circumstance who have moved on and of creating self-esteem and they're doing a great job

stop looking at him and what he's doing i mean he could just be doing that to make you jealous or because he's got nothing else to do so he's just running around twenty four seven you know going to parties because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings right you know you're just subjected to wrong information right exactly your massacres the most like going to the face of page every day the only massacres and it's you know what people don't understand is that whatever result you're trying to achieve it's just it you're it's not going

to backfire it's not going to be good for you okay you're totally right a deep friend of mine know I've been de-friend it a lot of guys I've broken up with. Next day I wake up and then we're no longer friends. I don't know about that Emily, but you know what? They did the right thing. They did the right thing. Okay, so what are some of the break-up myths that you talk about that you'd like to dispel? Well, I think that, you know, when women get broken up with or when they're thinking of breaking up, all their fears come out and then you hear a lot of these kind of stereotypes like all men are cheaters or all men like younger women or no one dates on the internet that you know only jerks are on the internet

so you know you hear all those fears and kind of prejudices come out and they're not true there are plenty of good men out there. Exactly. I know of a lot of wonderful couples who have met on the internet. Another myth that women say to me is, well, all men just want to have sex. You know what? Everyone wants to have sex. And good sex is an excellent reason to be in a relationship. Exactly.

Because if all men want to sex, I know a lot of women who want sex too. So you've got to break through those myths that are like in your head exactly stopping you from moving forward and what if you're a woman who's been cheated on and that's a really tough one to get over it is and i you know you can add a few months to your healing exactly exactly because you know that that having your trust broken like that it's just universal it's really the dagger in the heart and especially if you really had no idea

and then you find out that your boyfriend's or husband has been unfaithful and for some women they find out that it's been going on for a long time you know having that kind of trust broken it's just it really shatters your your view of everything in the world i mean people will say to me nothing makes sense anymore after finding out something right exactly you're right it's really hard and it's hard to recover from but you can recover you can recover from all of this like everyone listening like you can you will get over it you will get through it it's true

so what about on what are some common ways that sex can insigate a break up or damage relationships and to be our such a yeah sex can damage relationships it's you know it can be you know something that brings people together it can also bring something that breaks people up it is i'm sure as you know what i often see is uh... sex drive that aren't kind of on the same page right what you tell me exactly the other the other person wants it doesn't want it very

much i mean i had some woman tell me just recently she really likes to cuddle but she doesn't like sex and you know she came from a family where sex was just never discussed and you know see you you so you know you got to work with someone like that but you know uh... most couples, in most couples, there's someone who wants sex more than the other. Exactly.

It's negotiation, it's communication, it's compromise. Trying to work through it, I mean, I think communication is one of the sexiest tools that a couple can have in a relationship. Absolutely. But if some person doesn't want to have sex, and they get shamed, or they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable that's you know something a couple will start arguing about which can cause a break exactly it's like the elephant in

the room people like are they don't want to talk about the sex like that's your biggest issue you've mismatched the videos and why are you talking about your sex life but they're not talking about it but yet they'll make a little pass of aggressive digs to each other exactly i've heard i've heard so many men say if i can't get it from you well you know what you know where i'm going to get it and you know when and i've heard women really shame their boyfriends or husbands who that who don't who have lower sex drive then they do yeah it's not just women people think it's the women's

stereotype i know that's a man told a lot of you know a lot of women want more sex and their husbands you know can or willing to give them or boyfriend and they just can really shame them and make them feel terrible about themselves, which is a problem because that is the opposite of what they need. They need to feel sexy. They need to feel masculine. Right. So like you said, relationships can really go off track over sex.

Exactly. And then how do past messages influence our sex life so the past things that we've learned in our life sometimes they influence very positively and otherwise they don't i mean if you had a relationship that had some sexual problems in the past you know you might as be bringing those same problems right into this new relationship you know

it or it you know if you're a woman who's last relationship ended over sex or if you didn't have much of a sex drive i mean you know the time that you've broken up before you start getting again that's the time to get down to the bottom of that you know what is sex mean to you what is it represent why haven't you been able right to have a good sex life in the past and if you don't go see sex purpose on your own that's what i the past. And if you go see a sex therapist on your own, don't go to a sex therapist at the full.

Exactly. If you've got your own issues on sex or keeps coming up in relationships, you can heal your sex issues. If you go to sex therapists, it's amazing. You know, to a sex therapist is great books out there. I mean, I find that even in today's age, a lot of young women, you know, I work with women in their 20s, and they just really, you you know have not explored what sex really means to them right or they've had a lot of drunk and hookups but not a few no long-term sustained

sexual relationship exactly a lot to learn a lot to learn there's no word i mean we teach it on the show but there's not a lot of places to offer people people to go right now women to learn about it so and you'd be embarrassed like what well i mean you know people are embarrassed talking about it. And that only surprises me. Even sometimes I'll work with a couple and they'll say, well, can we talk to you about this? And I'm like, what do you think?

Exactly. What do you think you're here for? I mean, don't you think most couples need to talk about sex even if they're not breaking up? Like sex is just a huge factor in relationships that couples just never talk about. So it is. And for couples that really understand about having sex it's part of the glue that keeps them together but you know couples that

have sex very infrequently and let's be both have low sex drive and they're comfortable with that it can really be one of those factors that just keep you know i agree being away at the fabric of the relationship that i always say it does chip way the fabric people like oh we're fine it's cool we like to do watch movies together and do other things i'm like no if you're not having sex you're not connecting on this deep intimate level that is so important and so crucial to keeping that that that glue together in the relationship and there's so much

you can learn about your partner and your couplehood you know through through having you know good sex and regular sex. And it's kind of like something you can joke about the next day or a couple days later. Oh, well, you seem to like me last week when you're something like that. It's just can be something that it can be humorous. Right, exactly.

It doesn't seem to be so heavy. Talk about sex, it can be a fun thing. One last question for you. You talk about the three stages. We talked about healing heavy? Talk about sex. It could be a fun thing. One last question for you. You talked about the three stages. We talked about healing. We talked about understanding. And the third one is transformation that you write about in your book, the breakup Bible. What happens in the transformation?

It sounds great. Transformation is a really fun stage where you're starting to feel better and you feel that the breakup is somewhat behind you and you realize you're thinking about your ex less and you're starting to go out and do things. And so what I really say to women is don't go right out there and date. Use this time to really expand your life. You know, think about everything in your life. How about your career? Since career is so important to so many women.

Are you happy in your job? Could there be more you could do to advance in your company? Maybe it's time you do a career change or something like that. If you're a woman who's been home with children after a divorce, you might have to go back to work. Take the time to figure out how you're gonna do that. You need to re-educate yourself. You need to pull some old colleagues together.

But also expand your mind take classes read expand your body well i mean that in a good way exactly exercise and you're not exactly challenge your body join the sports team i mean go out for you know picked tenest lessons

so it's re travel uh... you know learn how to speak another language take a cooking class right so but then by the time you get out there and you start dating again you're really gonna feel good about yourself whatever whatever's low self-esteem you might have been suffering from after the break up if you want to attract the right kind of guy you've got to get out there as like the real thing right you've got to feel

great you've got to look great and then you're going to attract confident men because confident men like confident women exactly it's so true because if you if you're one of those people go from one to the next that one relationship to the next the next because you feel like oh god I'm you know it's going to heal this wound I don't want to feel this pain of the break up so I'm just going to start dating again then you which I used to do that in my 20s I would I would go from one guy of the breakup. So I'm just going to start dating again, which I used to do that in my 20s. I would go for one guy to the next, right?

And I never had to heal. I never had to heal from any past breakup. But this sounds like it's a great book that people can use just for any stage of relationships. You know, I guess even if you're not dating, you're having a hard time, I think creating the love map and realizing where some of your weaknesses

and your strengths are, it could be just a great tool for people. It really is. And thanks so much for saying that Emily because we can all use to know more about our relationship and and and our patterns absolutely to have you know an individual therapist to do that you can really just pick so much up from reading and reading this book you learn about your patterns and we all have patterns we don't and it will make you healthier in a relationship and it's also a great book if you've been single longer than you want to like you keep you're not meeting the right guys are you keep making

the same mistakes you know do a love map build up your confidence and then get back out there and you know I've heard so many women after they've worked my program say I know exactly what I'm looking for and he doesn't look anything right. Exactly. I think everyone should work this program. It's called the Breakup Bible, the smart woman's guide to healing from a breakup or divorce. And it's Rachel Sussman, where can they buy your book? What's the best place?

You can buy it anywhere wherever you're comfortable buying books. I mean, I love bookstores. So you know, patronize your book forores more of them, or you can certainly buy it online at Amazon, or you can buy it right off of my website, which is www.ratialassustman.com. Okay, great, and we'll also have it on our website as well. Thank you so much, Rachel. We really appreciate it. We talked to you.

Great talking to you too. Have a great day, of course. Bye-bye. Thank you. I want to do the love map. Like, I really believe that the love map is so important for people because we all people who we get, you know, we get our thousands of emails from listeners who are like, why do I date the same guy over again or why do I keep dating the same woman over again.

But and I always say go to therapy, but what I really mean is like work your issues. Like get into your pattern to you are why you date the certain way that you date and then kind of heal that and move on. And then you'll be attracted to the right kind of people. I think the people on healthy patterns, this will help you break your patterns. What do you think your map would look like? Oh, it would be all over the place. I know my map, though.

I think that my love map would be, you know, I don't know, it's transformed over time, but I think I'm actually attracted to really healthy guys now. But in the past, maybe guys who were more caretakers, or guys who were a little needier, because that made me feel good initially, but I didn't really want me guys. No, I didn't work. I've healed a lot since you've met me.

I think I'm in a healthy place. All right. What would your map look like? My map, it will look pretty level. Oh, yeah. You just said it from home. No, no, no. I mean, I think my map would say, oh, I learned I my map would say, I learned this from that

relationship. Yeah, you just got the bottom line here is that we all need to learn from our past relationships. We all need to look at it. We do it and so just start banging every checker every guy you meet. Take a pause, take a few months, take a few weeks and look at why it ended. What was my partner? You could blame the other person to the cows come home, but really you was my partner? You could blame the other person to the cows come home, but really you had a partner, you were 50% of the relationship, and I think we can all learn from that. So that's what we got for you today. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. It was a good for you. Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.