Sex With Emily - Talk Tantric Sex To Me

Episode Date: January 19, 2022

Here in the 21st century, we’re fascinated by something that was invented in the 7th century: tantra, and more specifically, tantric sex. But it’s also one of the most misunderstood practices around, starting with: it’s not just about sex! Tantra is an entire world of spirituality, intimacy, breathwork and presence, which is precisely why I have Barbara Carellas, founder of Urban Tantra, on the show with me today. A pioneer in the world of tantric healing practices, Barbara gives us the real deal on these sacred techniques – and shows us how we can use them in the modern world, for full body pleasure, higher states of consciousness, and a radically deeper connection with your partner. Plus, I take your questions! How do you stay in the present moment during sex, and not disassociate while it’s happening – or, get so nervous that you block all the pleasure? I’ve got some thoughts on that.For More Information on Barbara:Website | Instagram | Twitter | Youtube | FacebookShow Notes:Emily’s Shop Page Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So if we can let go of even the expectation of orgasm but rather go deeply into, say, the sucking of an apple or the feel of cool skin or the delicious way your partner is kissing you from neck to toe, if you are breathing, if you are staying in your body, then you can go into alternative orgasmic states, especially with the breath, that are so juicy that you won't care if you had a genital orgasm or not. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Alright, here in the 21st century, we're fascinated by something that was invented in the 7th century, and that is Tantra, and more specifically Tantric Sex, but it's also one of the most misunderstood practices around, starting with, it's not just about sex. Tantra is an entire world of spirituality, intimacy, breathwork, and presence, which is precisely why I have Barbara Corales, founder of Urban Tantra on the show with me today. She's a pioneer in the world of Tantra healing practices. Barbara gives us the real deal on these sacred techniques and shows us how we can use them in the modern world, for full body pleasure, higher states of consciousness, and a radically deeper connection with your partner. Plus,

I answer your questions like, how do you say in the present moment during sex and not disassociate while it's happening? Or how do you not get so nervous that you block all the pleasure? Well, I've got some thoughts on that. All right, intentions with Emily for for each episode, let's set an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to give you just a tiny glimpse into the ancient practice we call tantra. So you can decide if it's something you want to explore more deeply and even find parts of it that could fit into your current sex life for a different plane of spiritual and sexual experiences.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article Ask Emily, How Can I Be More Comfort in the Bedroom, is up at sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Before we get into all things Tontra with Barbara Krelis, I just want to say one thing. This is an interview that I did a few years ago and I think it's really important to start talking about it more on the show.

Because well, yes, it's an ancient practice and I hope I didn't lose a lot of you there. When I talk about it, a lot of people hear of tantric sex as being something very esoteric and something you need to spend hours and hours practicing when really tantric sex is just a whole new way of being in sexual connection with a partner. And what I love about it is that it allows you to access deeper levels of feeling and sensation and figure out yourself more and how to connect to your partner and release blocks and all the things. And I just want you to think it's really too complicated and something that's going to intimidate you. I want it to be more welcoming. And I really do think it's hard to cover this topic

in a single episode. So I just want to give you my top three tips to keep in mind while listening. A Tantra 101, if you will. And there's going to be more Tantra episodes in our future together. So this is a deep spiritual tradition with roots and Hinduism and Buddhism with so much beautiful history that I couldn't fit at all into this episode. So to help you stay focused and because there's a podcast about sex after all, I want you to listen close for these three tantra pointers.

First, use breath strategically. When most of us first learn about sex and masturbation, we keep our breath shallow. In fact, a lot of us walk through lives really with shallow breathing, meaning like we breathe from our neck up. But tantra utilizes full body breath. For full body sensations, it's also helpful for keeping us really present because sometimes

time, if you can relate, our mind wanders during sex. And really, that's what tantra offers. It's a technique for radical presence starting with our breath. You can be super simple with it, saying to yourself, in on the inhale, and out on the exhale. And just stay with it, along with all the sensations that start to open up. Next, do something erotically constructive. What do I mean by that?

Well, as we know, it's really easy to go other places mentally while the sex is happening, even if the sex is exciting and fun. I mean, maybe you're hungry and thinking about dinner, or maybe you're just trying to orgasm already and you're thinking about your ex. We get nervous. We get into our heads about what's going to happen next, and that's human. But tantra, what I love about tantra, and I think you will too, it teaches us presence for a type of sex that's truly connected and even a bit vulnerable, you know, in a super sexy way. And another way to do this is through eye contact.

It is really sexy to stare into your partner's eyes, even if it initially feels a little scary. And it's a tantra technique for a reason, because you're going to feel a kind of ego melting as you do it. A connection with this other person that's going to take you to new heights, because you're releasing some of those psychological blocks that in other scenarios prevent this level of intimacy. So, you with me, eye contact and breathing. Finally, know that general orgasm isn't the goal. To experience the deep sexual energy of

tantra that you might be craving, you gotta let go. Let go of those conventional sex goals like getting off. Not saying orgasms aren't fun, because they are. But what I love about tantra is it teaches our bodies all kinds of electric sensations, including new ways to orgasm, including orgasms you've probably never felt before, in all different parts of your body. But here's a funny part. Once we release the idea that general orgasm

is where this sexual encounter must go, or more liberated, to explore other sensations, and often end up with an orgasm anyway, except it's more explosive, because we've allowed that energy to build and to build. We enforce it. We didn't will our way to it. We didn't leave the room in our minds and think about all the things that turn us on. We weren't forcing it to happen.

Totric, sex, opens a door to longer lasting orgasms, even non-adjacatory orgasms, multiple orgasms for penis owners, nipple gasms, all because we've let go of our expectations around sex and have made way for more playful possibilities. All right, to my incredible listeners, this is your Tantra 101, on to the show. Barbara Corollis is the founder of Urban Tantra, an approach to sacred sexuality that adapts

and blends a wide variety of conscious sexuality practices from Tantra to BDSM. She teaches the inseparable connection between your sex life and the rest of your life, and the happy integration of body, mind, and spirit. She's a true pioneer. Barbara began her work during the AIDS crisis in the late 1980s, a tie when the connections between sex, spirit, and healing were their most straight. Well since then, she's facilitated countless healing circles and support groups for women, was awarded a sexual freedom award for Lifetime

achievement in 2016, has been a guest lecturer at Harvard, Brown, Yale, Sarah Lawrence, and more. Find more Barbara at BarbaraKorellis.com or on Instagram or Twitter at UrbanTontreca. Hi Barbara, welcome to the show. I am a huge fan of your work and wanted to have you on the podcast because I feel like you will help my listeners to understand the intricacies of tantric sex

since I feel so many people don't even know what it really is. To start off, can you explain how Tantra as a practice is different from tantric sex? Good point. Yes, if you could explain that. There's Tantra, there's Tantric sex. We're going to talk about Tantric sex, but to contextualize it just for a minute. Tantra is a spiritual practice. It's also a bit of a social political revolution.

It's ancient, it's Indian. We don't need to know, although many people want to, and it's fascinating, all the history of all the aspects of Tantra, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with sex. However, what Tantra does say is that you can reach your potential, your spiritual growth, some would say enlightenment by going into anything on this earth plane, completely, totally, with complete consciousness and total commitment, including sex. Right? Sex is one of the things on this earth that by going into totally you can achieve spiritual peace, physical happiness,

realization. Okay. In essence, what Tondrick sex means is slowing down, going into each moment mindfully. We've all seen that word. And being present now and adding breath because the more you breathe, the more you feel. Breath also leads to amazing changes of state. Let me give you an example. You know, like you have kind of bleh sex and you're like, mm-hmm, this will be over soon. And that's about the extent of your breathing because you're really just kind of waiting for it to end. Yes. Then there's this sex. Oh yeah. And that goes on. And that goes on. And that goes on. And when you finally have an orgasm, you think it's just about all the yummy things that your lover was doing to your genitals.

But part of why you feel so good was the, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, you have literally taken your mind into an altered state of consciousness. So if you slow down and breathe more, you have a huge piece of the Tontric Sex Secret right there. Yes, yes, I love everything you're saying, and I know that so breath, okay.

But learning to breathe properly, so many of us breathe like chest up, like fight or flight, and like, do you teach certain kinds of breathing, correct? When I, when I first started on this path, I learned all these different breath techniques and they are wonderful and each one produces a different effect. But honestly, all you have to do is breathe a bit more fully and deeply than you usually do and you'll be fine.

Okay. The trick is remembering to keep breathing. I like to tell my students and colleagues, give your mind eroticly constructive things to do. If you're thinking about a fantasy about somebody who's not in the room, who's not involved in this scene, you're being taken away from the experience you're trying to be a part of. However, if you can focus on something like your breath, your partner's breath, If you can focus on something like your breath, your partner's breath, the two of you breathing together, that's an erotically constructive thing to be doing

that keeps you in the present moment, as opposed to in some other place, in some other time, which is where fantasies happen. Exactly. So erotically constructive things to do, let's call it Tantra 102 instead of 101, would be imagining you can see sexual energy running through your partner's body.

Imagining that you see sex as more of an energetic act instead of just a physical act, that two takes imagination. You can think of sexual energy as hot red fire or orange fluff. It doesn't really matter. I love the erotically, I had to write that down. Erotically constructive. Fantasy, so what I love that you're saying here, and this is where I need, I love this,

is because I often talk about being more mindful during sex, because the biggest challenges that we're all so goddamn distracted, not even just for sex, but to get in the mood, to get a rouse, desire to get turned on. We just don't, we're just wearing our heads. I always say like, be mindful, focus on your, if you find your mind wandering and you're worrying

during sex, I always say go to your senses, like focus on your breath, like what are you touching, what are you smelling, what are you hearing, what are you tasting because when all your senses are engaged, you can't be in your head, you're in your body. Very tantric. Part of a tantric practice erotically is to release expectation and goals.

One of the things we're in our heads about is, am I going to have an orgasm? Are they going to have an orgasm? How good will the orgasm be? Will it be better than yesterday? Better, as good as I was hoping, and we're everywhere, but in the present moment. So if we can let go of even the expectation of orgasm, but rather go deeply into, say, the sucking of a nipple or the feel of cool skin or the delicious way your partner is kissing you from neck to toe, if you are breathing, if you are staying in your body, if you are really focusing on feeling the sensory elements that you were just talking about Emily, then you can go into alternative orgasmic states, especially with the breath,

that are so juicy that you won't care if you had a general orgasm or not. That's where the myth about intontera people can't come or don't come. Yes, they do, but they know what alternative orgasms look like. They know that there are totalities of possibilities of orgasm that they haven't even discovered yet. And they're open to tripping over a new one. So giving up that goal of what's supposed to happen, and if this doesn't happen, and that doesn't happen,

and that doesn't happen, we have failed. Whereas if you don't have any expectations, whatever happens is a win, is a success, is a hey, oh no, that was cool. So you're saying let go of orgasm, that the concept of it, because what you feel through the breath is a different kind of orgasm. That's one piece of it.

Let go of how sex is supposed to go down. Right. Because we don't know. And every time we think we know. Right. We think we don't. And it's limited to, you know, something the size of a comic book, when in reality the possibilities are more like the entire bank of knowledge in six wikipedia's.

Yeah, it's true. I always say we have to expand our sexual repertoire. We don't, we've all just scratched the surface. And our sexual possibilities. We don't know what we don't know. One of the techniques I love to teach people are breath and energy orgasms. Their orgasmic states reached just by breathing. And if you can master, and it's not that hard,

it's really a simple technique. If you can master a breath and energy orgasm and then take that skill into your regular love making, I'm seeing fireworks. I already am, because we, so anyway, I have on barbercurellis.com, you can find a downloadable Guided meditation to help you do that but a breath and energy orgasm technique will will help show you that there's a vast range of orgasmic possibilities that lie

Beyond the ones that Cosmo polytain magazine and I love Cosmo talk about Is this for men and for women? Absolutely. And and people differently gender than that. All gender, right. Exactly. Everybody. All gender. All gender. Everybody who's and all sexual preferences. That's amazing to me. So because we often we we don't know how to use our breath constructively is what we're saying. Like it's our life force. But we actually don't even know we're not taught how to breathe. And the culture supports very, very, very shallow breathing. And most of us learned when we were first masturbating as kids. We internalized holding our breath while we were masturbating.

There are some physiological reasons why we hold our breath right before we come. But I believe that when we were, however we were were and we were masturbating and it was in secret and we didn't want to get caught. What's a sure way not to make a sound and not get caught? Hold your breath. And so we all learn to masturbate like, yeah, that's what I thought to my guys. I just want quiet sometimes. You're like, what? Because your your your mom is going to walk in. Exactly. And you you're like what because you're afraid your mom is gonna walk in exactly And you want to be quick because you're gonna get caught and The quick the so you hold your breath and you bear down and you make yourself come and so our orgasms are Completely lacking in breath and oxygen and are filled with tension. Yeah, and

Pushing it out one of the things to trouble teach you and the breath and energy orgasm is just a great technique within that under that umbrella is to relax, open up, breathe more and take that into orgasm. It's kind of energetically, like the difference between filling a 30 gallon jug, which is the breath, or a coffee cup, which is the quickie under the covers holding our breath. And how much sexual energy would you like to have

in your tank if you were gonna fly to the moon? Yeah, I mean, all of it. I want all of the sexual energy in the planet. And we can all have, and what the great thing is, it's accessible to everybody, right? Like everybody could learn to do this. Everyone can do this, even people with spinal cord injuries can do this. And they could learn to have sensation in their body.

They could have orgasms energetically through their breath. I mean, I totally understand this and I've seen it and I've, can you help people who don't, who want to fantasize last or let's tell people who are, who have porn challenges, watching too much porn or, you know, this is a way of kind of rewiring the brain, rewiring those circuits in a way, because you're replacing it with breath. Yeah, and it can be like any new skill, or especially if you're breaking a habit, it can be kind of a bit challenging at times. It's good if you have a practice buddy more several because it's just different.

And anytime we try to do something differently, it takes a little bit of discipline. You have to show up and do the practice. But is it the kind of thing that in your courses, for example, your urban tantra classes that you're just, it's closed on or is it closed on or is it? I do a lot of close on classes like here in New York, which is where we are at the moment. I teach frequently at the New York Open Center. All this is on my calendar of events, by the way. And I have a one day that is absolutely totally clothes on

and that's you don't have, you're not forcibly paired with anybody, you can meet somebody there or bring somebody with you or just work alone. Because most of a lot of what I, when I learned Tantra, a lot of what I when I learned Tantra a lot of it I learned on my own I didn't go into it to work on a relationship with a lover I went into it because there was an AIDS crisis going on and I was looking for us a safer sex practice that had a spiritual and a healing component all the benefits and other relationship and sexual

lovelies that came out of that were lovely, but it isn't why I'd gone into it. How that's fascinating. So before that, you were having sex, just having orgasms. Like everybody else. Like everybody else. And then you went into this. How long were you in the practice? Well, because we were in a crisis situation in late 80s, any sprinkle and I am sure you and now a famous, eco sexual and artist, Annie and I started studying Tondra. We would learn something on a weekend and we would bring it back to the people with

AIDS at the New York healing circle the following Tuesday. And so we'd have to sometimes translate from let's say a Sanskrit based chanting workshop to what might work in a room full of gay men. Hence urban tantrum. I was constantly making things accessible and seeing if I got the same result which was peace, serenity, an ecstatic body feeling, which believe me, people with AIDS were sorely lacking. And a sense that everyone was part of a greater, higher, safer, loving, good. Right. And that's that's amazing work you did.

That's I didn't know much about your history in that, but that is I mean, that is so that's so healing and so it's a beautiful practice that you want to give in our culture today. We need it now. Well, this is what I'm saying. I love how you start out saying how it's not just for sex like we get people in through sex. Great. But if it helps you become more mindful in your day to day life and to take more deep breaths. I mean, and I mean, that's amazing to me because I think we could all were so distracted. Like I've always been distracted before this cell phone. And now it's like, I need to meditate. I mean, whatever I can do, but even right now, if you're my breath, I've taken, I've tried. You want to stress, I can keep breath in a change.

Is everything? Yeah. And I really encourage people, here's another one of those tips. I really encourage people to do what Annie Sprinkle termed mediation, combined masturbation and meditation. Have an orgasm and then go into meditation. Yeah, that's, I so for that. My new mantra this year was another one was meditate masterbait and manifest

But but I was saying it is it better to masterbait first or after I meditate I kind of flipped around Great. Okay, so let's talk about God. There's so many things erotic touch with Okay, so central massage so you do that exercise But what about if you're with a partner though in Valentine's Day? You would do that. Exactly the same thing. I just asked you to use you as. But you would do that on your partner.

Yep, and as slowly as you can do it. And the other thing is to get the right amount of pressure is, all right, I'm gonna get, do it. Briefly nerdy, the resilient edge of resistance, which all that means is that place of pressure that's not too light, which is creepy. Light touch is creepy. It is.

If it's too light and not too heavy, if you've ever gotten a massage by somebody with a really deep touch, you're like, ow, and you're tensing up. You don't want that. You want something that's right in the middle. You want to sort of press down on the body and the body pushes back to meet you. And that edge is the resilient edge of resistance.

So it feels like a kind of holding as opposed to a gliding over the body. It feels like a kind of, oh, I've got you. I'm holding you and I'm just stroking you at this edge. And then your partner can say, oh, that's lovely, a little more, a little less, but probably they'll just be going, yeah, just slow everything down. We go so fast, heart of palm, and go slow.

So what do you think the benefits are of this for couples that you've seen that have learned it together? That there's more to sex than some formulaic four-play, sometimes couples, especially those who've been together for a while have like, okay, I kiss here, I suck here, I stroke there, and then we're fucking. And it gets really old so old and that's happens in every don't be surprised if this sounds familiar

because it happens in most every everybody because the same thing over and over and over and over again and this is expansive this kind of work and maybe you'll have give a central massage and not touch genitals. Maybe that's the game tonight. And also in Urban Tontra the book is erotic massage that includes the genitals and very specific touches on the genitals. Oh, I love that. Alright, it's time again to hear from you. Let's get into your questions. This is from Raya, 23 in California.

Hi Dr. Emily, I'm a big fan of the podcast. I previously used to struggle a lot with staying focused during sex and my mind would wander to all sorts of different places. I took your advice on meditation and breath control and it really helped. However, something I still struggle with is overthinking about what I'm going to do next. I find myself wondering if she would like that, what she's going to be into, what's going to turn her on, how am I going to execute it? And then there's some time of me just working up the courage to do it. It all works to stress me out just enough that I can't focus on what's happening with my body, to have any advice on how to work through this.

So what I'm hearing is with your partner, you want to be a really good lover to her. And as a result of that, you're focusing a lot on being a perfect lover and what's going to turn her on, which is really great to be, to care about those things, but then in the process, we're losing your own erotic energy. You're putting it all towards your partner and then it gets back to you and you're stressed out. So this is where I would start. I love love that you have a meditation practice and that's been helpful.

Now meditation is all about being mindful. That's what meditation is. We think it's such a fancy. We got to meditate hours a day. It's truly about what am I seeing in the moment? What am I feeling in the moment? What am I tasting in the moment? What am I feeling in the moment? What am I tasting in the moment? What's, you know, what am I smelling?

Like just think about the senses. That's a great way to think about mindfulness. When we do that, it immediately has this wonderful effect of instantly dropping us into the present moment. Then you're mindful. Challenges, we often think I'm to be mindful for the next five minutes. And then you get through the first 15 seconds and you forget that you're being mindful. It is something that over time you can strengthen those muscles, which is why I love that you're

doing meditation. But here's another thing I think that would really help you. Since you're so focused on your partner, what if you both started a practice together and started to develop the same skill set, being mindful and being present to what's happening in the moment. Now the fun thing here is you can even do that during sex and by sex I don't mean just for play and the actual you know act of sex. You know sex can mean so many things. It's how we get turned on, how we connect, and how we get aroused.

You can start a tantric sex practice with your partner. First, create a sacred space. So turn your phones off, set up your room, so you feel good about it. You're sitting on the bed, your laundry's put away, and you don't have any distractions. And then I want you to start eye gazing, or soul gazing, as they call it, the bed, your laundry is put away, and you don't have any distractions.

And then I want you to start eye gazing or soul gazing, as they call it, with tantric practices. Let me think about it. You can sit and look into your partner's eyes, and the thing that's so great about that is it can be, it's really revealing yourself to your partner, and they're revealing themselves to you. And while some of you might think that staring into someone's eyes is just terrifying, you'll find that after a few moments that it's something that you're really going to

feel perhaps more connected to your partner than you ever have. It's sort of an incredible practice and it's okay if you laugh or it's uncomfortable. Next thing I want you to do is when you're staring to each other's eyes, I want you to place both your hands on your heart. And then you're going to get deep breath in. Maybe take two. Make this your own. And then with your leaving your left hand on your own heart, I want you both to take

your right hand and put it on your partner's heart. Okay? Left hands on your heart and right hand is on your partner's heart. And then I want you to just start breathing. You can do a deep breath, belly breathing or using your diaphragm. And that's just when you're sitting or lying down in a super comfortable place

and you put your hands on your belly. You kind of relax your entire body and then you want to breathe in really slowly through your nose. And it's important to here keep your mouth closed and breathe in through your nose. Cool thing about this as you start to do that you're going to start to feel your lungs fill up with air and inflate. It's sort of like a balloon. And you're going to feel this on your belly. Your belly is going to start to inflate.

Now, this is also a practice. This took me a while to learn because a lot of us, including myself, were shallow breathers. But there are so, there are so many benefits to learning to actually breathe through your diaphragm. I still practice this on a daily basis. So you don't want to get tripped up on it. Any breath is going to serve you here. And the really cool thing about tonic practices,

if you're staring into your eyes and your heart's connected and you both start breathing, however you really want to breathe, you can try breathing with your belly. You'll find that your breath is going to start to synchronize. And when that happens, it is this incredible connection that you're going to feel to synchronize. And when that happens, it is this incredible connection that you're going to feel with your partner. And you're not going to be able to be in your head. You won't be thinking, what do I do next? What's going to

turn my partner on? Do I look silly? You're both going to have this divine intimate connection. And I believe that this is the sole connection that so many people are craving. You know, sometimes we think, I want sex all the time or why is my partner doing, you know, going down to me more and all these things are valid. Why is my partner initiating sex? But I think at the end of the day, we're not craving sex as much as we're creating as we're craving intimacy. And I think that tantric work, the tantric practices, simply staring into other's eyes and breathing,

it's gonna help you, Rhea, get out of your head and into that deep soulful connection that you want with your girlfriend. And I'm hoping, hoping that you're with a partner that's gonna be aligned to this. It's gonna wanna try it. Now, I know some of you, I might have already lost you with what, die of frame and stir into their eyes.

I'm out. So if you don't want to do any of that, maybe you just say to your partner, you know what, before we get going here, maybe it starts, if you ever have this with a partner, it starts speeding up really quickly. And before you know it, your pants are off, and your partner's like kissing you so deeply

and they're tongues on your throat. And you're like, I didn't even know we're having sex yet. What I love doing in those moments is saying, you know what, oh babe, God, so turned on. This is a hot let's just stop. Can we stop for a minute? Why do we take a few deep breaths together? And then you can just say, okay, let's do this together.

And then you could do an inhale of five, exhale of five, and just slow everything down. And when you slow everything down your heart rate's going to slow down, you're going to find your thoughts melt away and you're going to find it so much easier to stay connected with your partner. And when I hear a lot of you overthinking and you're worried and you just associate during sex, just try some simple breathing or try all of those steps and let me know how it goes. Because remember, if you're in a relationship with somebody, I'm just gonna assume that your partner also wants to connect

and they want to be a great lover and they don't want you to be distracted worrying about their own pleasure. Because when you're both focused and together and feeling more connection, you're gonna have more pleasure, more connection. And who knows, maybe more orgasms. Although it's not all about the orgasm, you know that. Thank you

for your question. I think that's going to help lots of people. This is from Matthew 24. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm so excited to be asking questions here. You're an amazing Dr. N. Coach. I was wondering, how could I call myself down during sex? I honestly get so crazy nervous and stressed out.

For example, I literally start shaking. Then I can't ejaculate at all. Is it a trust or a comfort issue maybe? Oh, and is it okay for guys to use toys? Will this help to calm my nerves and perhaps, like normalize sex for me? Thanks so much. All right, Matthew, thank you for your question.

And I'm gonna tell you guys, I'm gonna talk a lot about breath today But we can instantly calm ourselves from any situation anxiety worry troubling thoughts obsessive thoughts OCD so many things if we learn to just breathe take deep breaths in the moment So that's going to help you how you calm yourself down is practicing your own, even you could do some breath work on your own and start to practice deep breathing through your belly. I promise that is going to help you really in every area of life.

And I'm going to take a guess here that if you get really nervous and stressed out during sex, that you might find yourself nervous and stressed out when you have to speak at work or when you have to ask somebody out, or maybe maybe when you go to a party there's some social anxiety so I really think that breath work is something that's going to benefit everybody who experiences anxiety. Also yeah to answer your question it could be a trust or comfort issue. Listen there is no shame in wanting to be with

a partner that you feel safe with that you trust. There are so many studies that have shown that when we feel that we can trust our partner and we feel safe with, that you trust. There are so many studies that have shown that when we feel that we can trust our partner and we feel safe with the partner, we're way more likely to be able to let go and be in the moment and have our orgasms and have our pleasure, and then we are more worried and can I trust this person and do they like my body and what do they want?

So I think I would love to normalize that. Like normalize that if you don't trust someone and you don't feel comfortable with them, you're not going to be having the best sex of your life, okay? So it's a great question. So I'm glad you asked that. And if you're asking about toys for men, absolutely. If you have a penis, there are so many toys for you, my friend. You can find my personal recommendations on my shop page at sexwithemily.com. I love a penis ring. Penis rings are fabulous.

If you wear it around your penis during penetration, a vibrating cock ring, as it's called, can feel incredible for you and your partner. If you're with a vulva owner, the vibrations can feel great for her as well. And it can feel fun for you. And listen, vibrations are not just made for vulvas, they feel incredible. And penises listen, you have so many nerve endings that just would love stimulation. And a vibrator can feel amazing. There's masturbation sleeves for penis owners. As long as we're normalizing things, let's normalize sex toys for penis.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

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