Sex With Emily - Teasing for Better Pleasing

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about one of her favorite things – the art of the tease! Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. She gives a lesson on teasing – what it means, why it’s hot, and ways to do it up right, what to do when doggy-style is your partner’s go-to position, but it’s too detached for you, and whether or not you should tell your partner about your sexually fluid past. Happy New Year!Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex of the Mly. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about one of my favorite things, the art of the teas. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include teasing, what it means, why it's hot, and ways to do it upright. What to do when doggy-stallets your partners go to position, but it just feels too detached for you. How to maintain desire in a long-term relationship because hey the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever and whether or not you should tell your partner about your sexually fluid past. All this and more thanks for listening. 6. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone way. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair standard. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I want to feel so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so across the board. Alright guys, hope you enjoyed the show and happy new year. We're gonna talk about the art of the teas. Like why is teasing so hot when it comes to sex? I think a lot of it's a kind of builds anticipation and arousal. And we're like, oh, like kind of delaying gratification. Which, in theory, I'm thinking about, it's like, that doesn't sound great in theory in some ways.

I'd be like, it's hard for me not to eat the frosting off the cake sometimes, and then delaying satisfaction. And then I thought about talking about the teas that some people might think of, because I've heard some guys say, oh, I don't wanna be teased. And then I thought, well, I think that first off, when we hear teas, you might think teas isn't a,

teas isn't great, when we're younger, we're say like don't tease your sister, don't tease your friends. That's not that, you know, like don't be teas, actually, don't be tea. So I think that some, maybe people don't really understand the psychological and what actually, like the art of the teas. Why? Why? We have to do something that can be so hot. I thought, well, let's discuss this, you guys. It's, I feel like for many times though, okay. Here's what I, here's a thing. To explain the T's the best way I can is,

for example, why I love it is I've been with, one of my best T's experiences, right? So I was with a guy and he was, we were playing with my, you know, like my, my under the bed restraints, the sports sheets. And so, like, I'm restrained and I've tried to find a blindfold on, probably, I think I had a blindfold on. And it was like, okay, you can't, and he said to me, so I can't move. I think I didn't have a blindfold on,

this is gonna come important later. Okay, pay attention. And he was like, I couldn't touch myself, or I had both my legs and my hands, and he was like, you can't touch yourself. I'm in charge of your pleasure. You can't touch yourself. And then he was just sort of kissing me

and touching my neck and playing with me and moving, it was like at first. It was kind of sensual and then he started playing with My breasts and he stayed there my nipples and teasing and he stayed there right for a while like and he was like He's like, you know, then it gets into like you could have your own version here But like I want you know beg for like I want you to be like I want to be into he's like, you know, then it gets into like, you could have your own version here, but like, I want, you know, beg for it. I want you to be like, how I want to be into this. Like, I want, you know, asked for it. I was like, I am so, like, so what happens is, you get super turned on. And someone plays through it. You're like, wow, like, and then you actually are more aroused. And I'm more like, please, I want to say, no, you can't orgasm. I mean, I can't touch you.

I was like, I wanted him to touch me so badly. I mean, wouldn't you just get played? And it felt amazing though, because then he's like kissing my neck and then he's teasing, right? Coming a little bit closer to me, like kind of waving his hand over my like vulva and kind of tickling my thighs

and like moving down my body, like playing, but wouldn't quite touch me yet. No clitoris, not going anywhere yet, but like just teasing and kissing, and I've had other times where it's a little more like playful and rough, like there's like a little bit of spanking or there's, you can't come to, I tell you to, you're like, and it's just hot.

It's teasing, it's anticipation. The other thing I thought about was when I've, these are things have happened to me. I don't often share all my details and my sexy details, but that in the times that I've had teasing is that it's so hot because it's intimate, too, in a way. Like it creates, even if it's more rough, because you feel more connected because you're engaged in a power exchange and in a play with your partner, that you're not worried about if I can't orgasm or not. You're not worried about if you're hard or like you look how your left boobs looks like

you're not. You're just like in a thing. In the moment. It's delayed, right? And so I just liked that they were, uh, but they're prolonging the closure. That they were staying on friggin' nipples. This is all about conditioning. So I believe that our conditioning,

either through what we've seen in TV or culture, or when we were young, we had sex this way, where we just move right through it fast. Like we just were conditioned to, there's nothing about sex that is slow. Like, either it's because our parents are gonna walk in, you know, in high school, or like we're masturbating, like I think sex is always feels fast,

and we know how a lot of men ejaculate eventually is fast. So for many men, I think that the rive heard them say, like, oh, I don't want to be teased or what if you don't come back. I remember men as he was co-host on my show for a few years. I don't want a girl like, time me up and tease me like, shh, what is still my wallet doesn't come back?

I'm like, too, that's who you date in there. But I think there's a certain like again, allowing yourself to kind of rest into say, this is going to be, this is going to feel something different, something new. I like the idea of mixing up the way, like even teasing lips, saying nibbling, nibbling on the lips. I feel like a little nibble. And other thing about nibbling the lips, upper lip, bottom lip, bottom top, the tongue. And then you can nibble, suck the tongue. But you can also nibble, like,

like I have wet lips, like nibble all over. The body is teasing. Are you still a thing? I hope not. I mean, I don't like them really, but. I mean, I don't, yeah. That's when I started thinking of when you're like the neck and I was like, oh, I like the hikki thing. say that I've I try not to give people hickies but like I'm super

into like sucking and biting and things like that so I try to just move it down the body not on the neck so it's visible but I try to do it on like maybe the shoulder because I just really like it and in the moment I don't hear any complaints. It's only afterwards. And when we afterwards, you have to mark on me as a why you say something. Right. It's a moment when you know it's happening. Like we all know what's happening. Maybe they say it out.

She didn't hear. Thank you. Yeah, I just put on my noise. Can't hear you. I'm in the zone. I love sex wounds before. Take care. Oh, yeah. If we want to take, we have Gary 50 in Colorado. I love sex wounds before. Take care. Oh yeah. If we want to take, we have

Gary 50 in Colorado. I just like his question. Yeah. Should a man go down on a woman before or after penetration? We only have a minute, Gary, but I think it's a good question. Thanks for calling sex with Emily. My question is to when we prefer men to go down on them before penetration or after penetration? You know, I can't speak for every woman on the planet, but what I can say is, first of all, they just, they appreciate that you go down on them. But what I think is the most efficient and fun for the whole family is, is, is fun for everyone. It's actually going down first, like going, if you go down to her, turn her on, she's tea, you know, you, she has her orgasm, she's warmed up. And then you

penetrate her. And then perhaps she can have another one, you know, or she just warmed up. Cause for many women, when you start with penetration, you have to have some kind of warm up, Gary. So if it's not oral, she still has to be a rouse, so it's through your fingers or maybe through making out or teasing, playing with their nipples. So you got it. So before penetration, I believe I'm not going to speak for every woman, but for many women, they're going to want some warm-up. Thanks, Gary. Thanks for calling. Like that question. I like anytime. The zoral happening. I want to intermittently throughout the entire thing. Yeah, that's the other thing. The best thing is when it's like sex isn't linear.

Yeah, we often think of like, I often think like, I want to get rid of the four play and the intercourse and then the after court aftercare because the, the kind of sex that can be really exciting and different and novel is when it's oral, then you penetrate and then you go down each other after, maybe you switch to 69. And then you go back to having sex. You can even stop and have dinner.

I don't know, in the room, like you could eat. And then go back. I do like that. I brushed the room. I got a pound pound pound orgasm and then we can do everything. When that's the ultimate tease is when you don't need one of you climax and it's for a plane, it's fun and you've got time.

Like what is the goddamn fucking rush with sex? Everyone's doing a hurry to get the organ being it all done. And I think a slow sex movement makes a lot of sense that if we slow down everyone relax, we have a lot better sex, lot more pleasure, lot more orgasms. So think differently about the way you think about sex. If you're bored with your sex life where it's been the same thing over and over and over again, just do one thing differently this week.

You know, like maybe if you've never used Lou, you can use Lou, where if you always go really fast, go five times slower than you usually do. If you rush right to sex, maybe you can like nibble, you know, do some nibbling and some teasing and some, some playing. You bring back the little fun, the spark. I feel like guys don't usually, or not typically, I'm making a generalization, you, uh,

tease first, but when you do it to them, you're like, no, you can't come in yet. They fucking die. They do. They do. You're right. right it's for everyone I'm like yes yes do it you guys okay we're gonna take a quick break and we come back we're gonna get into your calls we have crystal 35 and Wisconsin who wants to comment on Doggy Style. Thank you Crystal for Wisconsin. We need to hear from the Midwest. Tell me everything.

Okay, so here's my thing. My husband and I, that's a big decision that we use. Because it works well because they can get deeper, you can feel it better. But we got because it just kind of kept going on and going on that I kind of felt I felt just attached like I could have just right anyone right or any thing and you know so it got hard for me to wear although I enjoy the position and the way that it feels I kind, I miss the intimacy. Yeah, feels less intimate, because you're like,

is he just pounding, I could be, I could leave the room, he could be pounding into a glory hole. Anything, anything. I'm not afraid. You know, men like to put their penis in things, I just thought about that. But Chris, I get it. I feel like also if it's the only,

if it's the only position you're doing, like they're like, let's do, go to doggy, and you are married for a while, they're like, let's do it, go to doggy, and you're married for a while, you're like, yeah, come on, you know, I'm not, I'm not feeling. Oh, that's the way to do it. Look at my face. Oh, I see, my right now, in the year 11 total, you get into that same thing, but we have an issue where

it's kind of hard for him to keep the direction. So then that position works best for him. Yep. So yeah, that is difficult for me. That is the position that works best. I don't want to hear from you guys. Like what does your take on Doggy's Dail? Pro, Khan, does it work for you?

Why do you love it? Triple eight, 94 stars. But Crystal, the thing is I feel like, so I get it and a lot of times for men, that is their go-to. They're like, I'll do everything else, but I get the gun and in Doggy. So crystal what do you know what you need? Like I said that it doesn't work for you. I hope you're getting your

needs before he flips you over. We're working on it. We're working on it. You know, it's been like I said, we've been together for quite a while and it's always almost an issue. Okay. So we've tried different things and it we, you know, so it just, I told him eventually, it just like because of the disconnected feeling, I said, you just now give me more connection beforehand.

Okay. It's just hands across my body. So I know that, you know, he's the king of me and we're to this together right okay good I'm glad you asked for that are you having orgasm and orgasm yes at least it doesn't happen that way he's always nice enough to make sure I finish at the end yes of course I hope so or you could come first that's awesome thank you crystal thanks for sharing thanks for putting yes do that's okay crystal I didn't want to go off on it, but I will. I will. You guys she comes first. I'm not only saying it because it's easier. I mean put the

time in first because it's like your most men are going to ejaculate like you will. It's going to happen. You're going to have your orgasm. I know there's challenges, but the majority for women it typically doesn't happen through your penis. Only 20% of women are gonna orgasm through intercourse. So she comes first, just means, well, we're happy the other way. So we're all gonna orgasm and leave together happy. It's 50, 50, just do that first.

And then do your orgasm, that's all I'm saying. And it would be nice. Crystal, talk to your partner. Tell him that would be, that's you'd prefer that. Yeah, because I was going to say, I was like, he's nice enough to, I heard that language. I almost, I almost, she wasn't calling for advice. She was calling to report. But yeah, he's nice enough to. That's part of his job as your husband and your sexual partner. Part of all of our jobs and relationships is to make sure that we're pleased sexually, that we are our best sexual advocates,

but also that we're bringing pleasure to our partners. It's part of the whole game. We're all in this together. We have Lily, who's 22 Minnesota. She wants to know how to keep the passion alive and a long-term relationship. Hey, Lily, thanks for calling. How can I help you?

Hi, Emily. Yeah. Hi. What's up, Lily? I'm? So, yeah, my question was just basically, how can you keep long lasting desire going in a long-term relationship? Such a good question, Lily. Know that it takes some work. You know, you've got to prioritize it. And the first thing you've got to do is you've got to talk about it with your partner and

just say, let's just... God, what great sex look like for both of us and talk about your needs and what you want in the bedroom. Have you done that or even a long-term relationship now? Assuming so. Um, it's, we are, well, it's been two years only. No, but that's long, that's long, Lily. I'm a character, I guess. Lily, that's long, Lily. There I go. Lily, that's long.

No, listen to me. There's something called the Honeymoon Fays. Yes, listen, six months to two years tops. And about two years between that period for most couples, this first six months is like everything's amazing, right? And then it still is amazing for about six months to two years. And then you're like, wow, it's not like it was at the beginning. At the beginning, we just wanted to rip each other's clothes off and have sex all the time

And it was new and hot and then we get a little bored and then we're like, what do I do now? Does it mean I should leave them? Oh, that guy next door looks really hot, you know? So that's what happens. I mean, you're totally where you should be And so how to keep it interesting and how to keep it spicy because what happens is we just get bored Because we missed the novelty from the beginning. Remember at the beginning, you didn't know he was gonna touch you that way and kiss you. And so now you gotta talk to him about it. Have you tried to talk to him about,

have you guys ever talked about sex? Yes we have. Okay, how'd that go? Um, I mean, she's like the ones who's more open-minded, but like even though we've talked about it, there doesn't seem to be any changes when we actually have sex. Okay, well, what do you want? How did that go? So what change would you like to see in your sex world? I guess like kind of more like different things such as like I don't know time like my hands

up or like yeah other things than just like the regular oh doggy style or like I mean I like doggy style but like I guess I just want to do more different yeah or maybe more kissing again or for play okay. Okay, so Lily. So, so foreplay is like, that's what you're talking about. You're talking about trying something kinky and new. So here's the thing, even if you said to him, Lily, I want you to time me up, but it's not happening. Do you know why it's not happening?

Because he doesn't know how and he doesn't really know what you mean by it. And he's probably never tied anyone up before. So what would be fun is, if when you guys aren't in the bedroom, you could say, well, let's watch this, you know, I don't know how you guys learn, but we've got some great blogs on our site. You go to sexomey.com, you can go, what do they call Jamie,

the beginner bondage, you begin an intermediate. Beginner BDSM at sexwithendly.com, or you could find a scene important that you feel like together, like this would kind of be what I'm talking about here that would be hot for me. And then you just kind of, you know, play it out, you can use a neck tie, you can buy some bonded tape, we have some, we have a bunch of stuff on our website, we talk about this

a lot. So Lily, I think kind of narrowing in on what you think is hot, like, because sometimes you just doesn't get it, right? I know. And maybe, so maybe for you too, you're like, I don't really know, I just saw just doesn't get it, right? And maybe, yeah. So maybe for you too, you're like, I don't really know. I just saw it once and it looked hot. So maybe you guys explore together, you read about it,

you look at it, you listen to a bunch, I've done a lot of podcasts about it, called Sex with Family, same name. And just also make sure you're having your pleasure. You said that he's more open. I'm wondering if you, how open you are, like, are you having pleasure? Are you having orgasms?

Um, I only have orgasms. It's like I use like the vibrator or my own hands, but like when I use the own hands, like I'm wearing my underwear, so there's like that kind of tear. Yeah, tight. so there's like that kind of cheer. Yeah, yeah. Faction. And I think my body's more used to that because when I've tried to orgasm with just like my bare clip, I don't know how to like, it's just those purposes.

I don't know what to do with it. No, of course, No Lily. So that's exactly where you should be. And you're 22. So this is such a good time. Well, this happens in all ages, but especially especially at 22 Lily, we typically have our way. Like you learned as a teenager, the first time you masturbate and we do it the same way

until we learn a new way. And there's kind of a transition period from sex with ourselves and sex with another person. And so that's also why a lot of women have a harder time orgasming with their partner because they don't really not explain it. And I think that that gonna work. So really just like retraining your mind to kind of open up with your with him and like

show him what feels good to you maybe with his mouth. Use some lubricant lubricants really helpful for women just a few drops on your clitoris can can help them can help you you know kind of have more orgasms. Also if you tried having sex with your underwear on, like just moving it to the side. Oh, yes, I have, yeah. And that didn't work either. So I think that first off, it's nothing, like you could teach him how to use his fingers on you.

You could use the vibrator with him when you're having sex. Like a lot of women, most women don't come through a penis. They come through touch, through a mouth, through kissing or through a penis. They come through touch through a mouth Through kissing or through a toy Like kissing fingers Yeah, I've kissing my mouth in all different forms But the penis isn't where all the magic happens for just for a toy for 20% of women they orgasm in that way So so I have some conversations do some research

Listen to the show listen to the podcast We have a lot of them wherever you find them and you guys will figure it out. But just keep talking to them about it. You're not doing anything wrong. You're on the learning process and you can kind of learn new ways to pleasure, okay? Thanks, Lily. Okay. Okay.

You got this. Yes. Keep me posted. Yeah, you guys, it's a process. We all have to learn it. Like we are not, however you're having pleasure now, however you're orgasm, that's amazing. I'm so glad you can orgasm. And you could keep orgasming like that forever. But the cool thing is we just have to,

there's so many other ways to kind of touch yourself and to learn to explore that you could have a lot of different kinds of orgasms, but I always just don't experiment and take the time to like masturbate or be with our partner without the goal of orgasm. Like let's just explore and let's have fun together and figure out what feels good. And that's when it can happen, but we're sowing our heads.

It's only going to happen in this particular way. I have to be doing this thing with my tongue or with my hand and the thing, but you can kind of move out of that by retraining yourself. Okay, we have Robert 50 in Illinois. He wants to know if he should tell his fiance that he used to be in a relationship with a man. Hey Robert, thanks for calling. Hi, I'm Moelle.

Hey, I'm good. Okay, so tell me about your history. So you, you just with them for a little bit or what's going on? Yeah, so like I said, I'm 50 years old, newly engaged. We're planning to get married in Thanksgiving day. So a couple months from now. And my question for you is, how do I or do I tell my fiance

that about 20 years ago, for a body year, I was in a relationship with a man. Well, I lived in a state. So, so is there a part of you now that still wants to be in a relationship with a man or do you still have a fantasize about it? I don't fantasize about it. I think one day I just woke up and I realized that it wasn't the life that I wanted and I started exclusively dating women and I've never looked back. Really you've never looked back, okay. So I've never looked back.

Okay. I think and you want to tell her because this is a big, this is a part of your life. I mean, I think that you just, I think it could be a great way to open up a conversation just about your sex life. And what maybe what you learned from it, and that you were the man and what you learned, and then how you actually realize that you love sex with women, and you want to have a really healthy sex life with her. And so that's why you're sharing that.

And maybe you could ask her to share some things with you about her sexual history. Have you guys had any of those talks about like, I mean, I think it's even interesting when finding out when our partner first orgasmm or whether, you know, did they masturbate? What turns or on? What gives you the most pleasure? You know, what's your sexual future going to look like? So to kind of not make it like, it's like, confessional, but more like something you're like, I want to tell you this because I think you should know. And I realized then that it was important to me to have a healthy sex life. And I want to tell you this because I want us to have that unless you guys have already covered all

this. Well, no, we have covered it. We've got a very healthy sex life, but I've never discussed that because I just did not want her to think that at some point I would no longer be committed to her. Okay, so and your reason for telling her is because you want her to just know everything about you. No, I don't really think I want to tell her. Oh, okay. But I think it might come out.

And if I didn't, if it came out, if somehow something from my past surface, that I think that would be a real betrayal. Yeah, I understand this. I understand this. So I think if you feel like you have to tell her that I think you should tell her what I'm saying it, I would have a conversation about, you know, you said to me, you're afraid that you she would worry that you're going to leave her for a man. So I would, I would think that. I mean, if someone just told me that I'd be like, okay, so that's why I just asked you, Robert. I said, do you still fantasize about it? Is it something you think about?

That was my first question too as well. So I think that I mean, in telling her, you could say, I just want you to know this, but I've always, you know, and since then, I've been only wanting to be with women. I think you're just gonna have to, you know, let her know that, that you're telling her because you feel like things will come out,

but you're maybe even proud of it. It was a time in your life where you learned a lot about yourself. So you know what I mean, but I think that, you know, um, I think that's a very, that's a very open-minded and a healthy and productive way to think about. Yeah, absolutely. I tell you, a lot of people would say it's black and white and you can't be attracted to both men and women. And you can't have one phase of your life bleed over to one another.

And I think that's a very healthy way to look at it. Yeah, I try, you know, that's how I look at sex. I am not judging you. I'm very sex positive. I'm listening to what you're saying. I'm asking questions. I mean, you could let her know that, yeah, I think that is a healthy way to do it. And that you were experimenting when you were younger. And that this is where you're saying, I'm asking questions, I mean, you could let her know that, yeah, I think that is a healthy way to do it, and that you were experimenting when you were younger, and that this is where you're at right now. So, and yeah, I think that, and then just kind of open up the dialogue, and I think it'll

open up a lot for you guys, and I think, I'm glad that works for you. Let me know how it goes, okay, Robert, we're here every night, and congratulations on the engagement. You know, I know what you're saying, though, and you guys seem calming with anything, triplet 947-8277, there aren't many schools of thought that like, well, once, you know what he's saying though and you guys can come with anything. Triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven. There are many schools of thought that like, well, once you know, he's gay, that he's gay, or he's bisexual and then some people think bisexuality doesn't even exist. I'm here to say there are no sex police.

There is no like rules around this stuff. There aren't. Everyone gets to decide right now, but I feel like if he's truly not, you know, attracted to men and the other thing I would say is like, I want to, you know, if he was like my patient and I was seeing him, I'd say like, are there other sexual fantasies that he has? As he just like repressed it, are there, you know,

but it sounds like he's pretty clear on that that he only hasn't been with a man in 30 years. So I would say that we could definitely change. I've experimented with women, I haven't lately, I'm not in the year, probably, I don't know, eight years, I don't really think about it. I think about men more than women, but I could go back. I mean, the same thing is for men. I mean, and I believe that we're all like Kinsy said, we are sort of on the sexual spectrum. And you can go, you can be a two, you can be a three, you go back to being a two, you can be a five. And I think that's, you know, that's what that's sexual health.

That's life. Understand it, you guys. You know, that's what that's actual health that's life understand it you guys We love when you subscribe and you review the show wherever you listen I think it really helps everywhere on every platform so you can actually do that right now if you're on your phone This thing just just subscribe give us five stars. We like it especially in iTunes it helps going back to some more reviews from 10 years ago Maybe you know, we're still learning so hey, we love it. It helps us and you guys have really been doing that So thank you and also sign up for our newsletter. It is great. We give great newsletter So I've been told I feel good about it. All right guys. Happy new year. I'm so excited to go into the 15th year of this podcast with all of you in 2020 thanks for subscribing, listening. Thanks for just being you. And here's to an incredible new year. Thanks to my incredible team, Ken

Kristen Alisa, producer Jamie Ann Michael. Was it good for you? E-Malmy, feedback at sexwithamily.com. you