Sex With Emily - Terrified of Dating After Divorce (How To Bounce Back)

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!: https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ In this Sex with Emily episode, Dr. Emily brings back holistic psychologist Dr. Scott Lyons for live caller coaching sessions that'll change how you think about sex and dating. A woman married 10 years whose husband won't explore sexually at all—why "I want to try new things" might sound like "what we're doing isn't good enough" to a partner raised in a conservative home. What "deepthroating" really represents when your partner grew up being told sex was wrong—and the outside-the-bedroom conversation they need to have before anything changes in bed. A woman terrified about her first date after a breakup because she thinks the sex will be "unwilling"—the breathwork practice that gets you out of your anxious mind and into your confident body. Why a first date is just a "warm-up" to see if you're having fun, not an audition for marriage—and how to tell if someone's worth seeing naked just by watching how they treat wait staff. The reframe that takes all the pressure off dating: ditch the checklist, get present in your body, and remember you're the gatekeeper with all the power. Timestamps: 0:00 - Intro 2:11 - Growing Up Conservative: How Family Beliefs Kill Your Sex Life 6:39 - The Compliment Sandwich: How to Ask for What You Want 9:46 - Antidepressants Killed Our Sex Life: Now What? 12:44 - Medical Issues vs. Sexual Needs: Finding Balance 16:03 - The Power of Hope: Changing Your Sexual Dynamic Instantly 19:03 - Beyond Penetration: Alternative Ways to Stay Connected 24:57 - Dating After Great Sex: Overcoming Fear of Bad Partners 29:44 - First Date Anxiety: Embodiment Practice Before Going Out 34:47 - Stop Performing on Dates: Be Your Authentic Self Instead

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You have a way of also giving. some sense of peace to the environment to the ecosystem that you're both in. And that's power. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm bringing back something special today. Live caller questions and I'm joined by a holistic psychologist author and dear friend Dr. Scott Lyons to help me answer them. We're talking with callers who are navigating real challenges. One woman wants to explore more sexually, but her partner grew up in a conservative environment and shuts down the conversation. Another is terrified to start dating again because she thinks the sex

will be terrible. This episode is about working through the blocks that keep us stuck, whether that's shame, fear, or pressure we put on ourselves. It's about finding your power, staying present in your body, and remembering that you're always in charge of your own pleasure. If you've ever felt stuck or scared when it comes to sex and dating, stay right here, and let's get into it. Oh, I'm so excited to welcome my return guest, Dr. Scott Lyons. Hi. Hi.

Thank you for having me again. This is the room where I first fell in love with you. Oh, it was mutual. We fell in love. It's such a great time in the last episode. Why don't you come back today so we could actually get into it with some callers? I'm so excited to do that. I'm so excited to collaborate with you and supporting people.

Oh, this would be great. So just as a review, I know you're a holistic psychologist. Could you just break that? down for what that actually is. Yeah. So as opposed to looking at what the issue is with people, we really look at more the whole concept of who they are, how they are, where they come from, other contributions like nutrition, medicals, like social cultural pieces. So it's really looking at all these components to what supports them as opposed to focusing on what's wrong and how to fix that. This is Freya 32 in Pittsburgh. Hey, Freya, how you doing? This is Dr. Emily and Dr.

Scott Lyons, we're so happy to talk to you. Tell us what's going on. Hi, yeah. I have been with my husband for 10 years. And over the past year, I've been interested in trying different kinks in bed. I have brought it up to my husband multiple times, but he just isn't interested in those types of things. I can't really blame him. I mean, he doesn't want to explore it. It's not something that turns him on. But now I feel stuck because I can't explore the things that I want to. So yeah, I love my husband, he's my best friend. We have an amazing son together, but I just am not sure how to navigate the situation. Okay. So what you're saying is you've been together a while you want to try something kinkier, you said, right? And so when you try these things or you talk to him,

what happens? He just says, no. He's like, I don't really want to explore our sex life. Just let's just keep going the same way. Okay. He says he's not interested. Can I give you an example? Please, please. One of the things like that I feel is kind of changed. is I want to, like, deep throat him while I give him a blow job. But he's just, he's not interested in that because, like, the gagging and the spitting and that kind of stuff. It's just not something that excites him. So, and again, I can't, I don't fault him for that, but at the same time, I'm not sure.

Got it. Well, have you guys had any conversations about what your turn-ons are and what might be fun to play with? Because I get maybe he isn't into that, but have you guys any times about that exploring together? Yeah, I mean, he, I know what his are and I have told him what my turn-ons are. And there are some things that we do that I, you know, we both are agreeing to or we both are aligned on. It's just like there's no, he doesn't want to explore it at all. He doesn't even want to try it.

Okay. What does exploration mean to him? Exploration. Yeah, sexual exploration mean to him. Probably nothing. He probably doesn't think anything about it, to be honest. Yeah, like if you're describing like, hey, want to be more exploratory with Sacks and these things, like, what does that mean to him? Because sometimes for individuals, that might mean that something is wrong with what they're doing.

They might interpret it. And so what we kind of want to get a hold of is like, what's his interpretation of your ask? he grew up kind of like in a more conservative kind of environment he didn't know like talk about sex and I came from like same back to opposite so I it's always been like that with us I'm very vocal as far as like my sexual need even wants and he is very much uncomfortable discussing it um you're asking like what is his sexual exploitation you know I don't he probably he probably is okay so he grew up so this is a really really really common where there's one person grew up in a more oppressive environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex and that's in

his body that's in his beliefs that if you bring up sex you want to try something kinky it's against his even if this is unconscious form but it's probably not it's his you know belief that if you try something it's he's got a judgment around it or he was told it wasn't okay right and so now we find which is you know happens with a lot of couples they grew up in different environments and you know that now here you are right you're in your 30s right early 30s and you're like okay but we're no longer living under that roof or wherever you know that those beliefs but yet we still hold them we still hold on to them and so I think it would be great for you guys to have some conversations about this together like outside the bedroom about you know you know sharing with

him why why it would be important to you and what it would feel like what you mean by exploration and let him know what you think it could add to the relationship and your connection and your sex life from like a feeling place because yeah he might hear exploration and be like okay she wants a deep throat me she wants swing for the rafters like what are the neighbors going to think you know or what am i doing wrong what am i doing wrong too yes he might be thinking isn't this good enough what's wrong with the old in and out yeah because again we don't have a lot of education around sex those people don't talk about it and so i think you know i know it's not going to be as quick as getting into the bedroom tonight. But, you know, you guys have been together

a while. And this could be a new thing that you guys are exploring together. And we might have to roll back to the basics of, you know, what could great sex look like for you? What would be exciting for you? What, you know, I love our side. Starting with a good old compliment sandwich of this is what I love about our connection. I love about our relationship. I love all the things we've done together. You, you know, you could cite something sexually that you do like. And then you could get into the, and what I've been learning lately is that couples who start to explore their sex life and talk about their sex life have really wonderful connections. It expands. You know, couples who talk about sex have better sex. They last longer. They have more pleasure in their

relationship. You know, you could let them know stuff that you've been learning. And you thought it would be important for you guys to start to talk about your sex life, learn to explore, see what's on the table. And then maybe when he starts revealing things, like, I don't want to do it or why are you bringing this up, you're just going to have to be calm and curious and open and just say, you know, it's, I just really want us to feel more together. You could ask some questions too, like, wonder where that's coming from or where you're learning that from, you know, like, just, he didn't mean that, like, he doesn't want to explore anything when he does like that to me, but he won't, like, let me deep throat or anything like that. I just, I, it doesn't, I don't know.

And I, I guess is there, and I, I guess I do try to talk to him outside of the bedroom, But you say, like, it should be, like, not when we're, like, about to have sex, right? It should be, like, before. Or, like, another time. Yeah. Another time, yeah. Yeah. Or you might even say, like, hey, I noticed there's some strong energy about, like, there's

kind of a big no here. Can you tell me what you're feeling that's part of that no? Like, are you upset? Do you feel less than? Do you feel nervous? Do you feel shame? A lot of it's shame. Yeah, a lot of it's shame.

so often. I love saying like, yeah, it's such a strong reaction, like a strong no. It might be the first time he's really thought about it. Yeah. Why is it a strong no? It's like, why am I being a strong no with my wife, you know, this partner I've been with for a long time. To get 10 years, you said, yeah? Yeah. And you have a son, we're a kid. Like, let's figure out how we can grow, get underneath the hood there. Yeah. If there is some defensive energy, like the compliment sandwich is a great way to start being like, baby, I love when you do this, and this, and even holding your hand feels so good. And I'm wondering how we can add to this, you know, toolbox of pleasure that we have in our

life together. It's really coming from a place of yes and. And a we too. And the we why it's good for both of you. I think sometimes we'd explain that it's not just about me getting off more or me doing this thing to you, it's a we. And what it looks like couples who communicate about it, then their sex life isn't the issue.

And it actually becomes a place of strength and nervous. and connection. And it helps every other area of our life when we feel truly connected and nourished by our sex lives with our partners. I'm Jesse. I'm 26. I'm from Canada. My pronouns are he, him. My question for you is a little bit of a loaded one, but I'll try to explain my situation as best as I can. Okay. My sex life with my girlfriend has been struggling, I'd say, for the last year or so and I think I know why but I don't know necessarily what to do about it a lot of those factors are both mine and her own mental health uh both of us have been playing around with like antidepressants and stuff both and that's kind of affected both of our libidos and then the other

thing is also uh her birth control situation that she's been playing around with uh quite a bit um she just recently finished like a five week long period and I'm trying to my best to be sympathetic towards it and understanding but I also don't know the best way to kind of get my needs dealt with when she say has a five week long period while also being sensitive to the fact that she is dealing with that you know like I do get that that's like a problem and I don't want to come off as like needy or prying or you know um so just kind of wondering how to approach that and um the times we do have sex recently I'm not sure if it's her medications or anything but a lot of the time I'll make her orgasm and then after that she says

that she gets really oversensitive and overstimulated down there afterwards and then and that kind of ends thing, cuts things short, too. So I'm just wondering a little more about how to deal with that and how to handle, I guess, being sexually frustrated in a healthy way. Oh, Jesse, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you. I'm here with Dr. Scott Lyons. You've got two of us here today helping you.

Well, first, thank you so much for your thoughtful question and you sound like you're a really thoughtful and available. to her and I just love the consciousness you have around this challenge and it's hard you know it's hard to see your partner suffering and you want to be there but yet you know you got needs too it's tricky it really is so first medication is real right Scott how often do we see that people are on antidepressants or and then birth control pill and it can be hard to sort of understand the impact on the libido yeah yeah it's a real thing to have to navigate the biochemistry here And I really appreciate you recognizing that as a contribution to what's happening.

That's part of it. And that's something that we have to learn. Sometimes people are on medications and the side effects can kind of dissipate after a while, but then sometimes they don't. So that's why it's just important just to cover the medical stuff to talk to a doctor and see what else they can do. Also talking about her periods, like hopefully she's seeing somebody. Does she have a good gynecologist or a doctor that can help her?

Because that shouldn't be happy. Is she also your age, 26 years old? Yeah, 27. It's a bit of an ongoing thing that she's just recently started seeing a doctor for her, but fingers crossed that she's going to get that kind of figured out. Yeah. And that's kind of the thing is I recognize that it's something that's kind of beyond anyone's control until it's kind of medications get figured out and things like that get sorted out. Okay. Sounds like you guys have a handle on that, which is good because it could take a beat. right, to find the right doctors who would know enough about women's health. I mean, that's what we're seeing these days. There's a lot of gynaecologists who, all the current information that is available right now that we know about women's health. So if she's not finding a solution, she could always hopefully find another doctor. So that's the medical stuff. So let's also talk

about, you know, getting your needs met sexually. While she might not be open for penetrative sex right now, I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation of couples lying side by side and getting their needs met, taking care of themselves, will also feeling connected. So that could be one way to do it if she's not open to penetration, which she probably isn't right now. Is that something you guys could do, play around in that way? I've thrown the idea around a few times, and we have enjoyed it when we've done it. I can definitely try and push more in that direction a little more. And then there's also the hurt meeting your needs. So it sounds to me like you probably wouldn't kick her out of the bed for wanting to give you a blowjob or something either, right? And like with that, she says she just

doesn't feel very confident with giving blow jobs. And she doesn't feel like she'll do a good job. And so I think she kind of wigs herself out with that a little bit too. So that hasn't really happened in your relationship up until now. There haven't been many ways of her. A little bit. Honestly, it's been happening a little bit more since we started listening to your podcast, actually, which has been helpful. Love that. It's a practice. Everything's a goddamn practice, right? Scott? I mean, really, right? So we've been easing into it. Yeah. Okay. Just say, I want to do a hope check-it, like a hope barometer. Where are you each in the hope that things can change in a positive way? I think we're quite hopeful. Like, I feel like I recognize the issue. And like I said, I just don't know necessarily what steps I should take to correct it.

and I love her a lot and I know she loves me a lot too so I'd say I'm pretty hopeful that we can work it out I just don't know exactly what steps to take to do so yeah so one of the things I would even say is can you tap into that hope so sometimes when we feel lost especially around sex especially around you know when we're navigating things beyond just communication and relational matters and we're dealing with real medical stuff, too, that when we feel lost, can we tap into that sensation, that experience of hope and love, as you described for each, that you have for each other? Yeah, I feel like I could do that. Cool.

Let's just kind of roleplay that a little bit. Okay. Like, when you tap into that now, that sense of hope or love, what do you notice? I notice I feel less stressed and a little less anxious, actually. Great. Let's follow that through. So when you feel less stressed and less anxious, what else happens? What's your thought process like?

What's the sense of your breath and your body? So kind of connecting more to what's happening in your body as well. My body posture relaxes. My breathing also kind of slows down just from, yeah, just from thinking those kind of like more loving thoughts rather than thinking about being sexually frustrated, tapping into that. Great, and let's add. Yeah, it's just an instant change right there. An instant change.

I love that. I love that. And then imagine she was in the room with us or with you as you feel that sense of relaxation or that sense of hope and love. What do you notice when she's imagined in the room? I feel like she probably would also be more relaxed. Yes. Yeah.

Your hope, your love, your relaxation. is contagious. And so that's already something you can do. And I say that because there's a sense of empowerment. You changed your body just now. You did that. You have a way of also giving some sense of peace to the environment to the ecosystem that you're both in.

And that's power. Just about mindset. Yeah. Mindset and awareness of your body. and able to change a tone of the conversation. So I love that. So you could be sexually frustrated. That's also true.

But what could also be true is that there's hope. Yeah. And that there's deep love. Yeah. Which we know she has for you too, right? She wants to be connected sexually as well. But with everything going on, you know, she probably has, isn't another place in her mind. But if you could come together.

Yeah. How could they come together, Scott? How could he bring her into this? Yeah. I would even invite her next time you see her. maybe that's 10 minutes from now, an hour, a couple hours, is like, hey, I've learned this practice today where I tune into the sense of hope and love in my body

and I feel more relaxed. Can I hold your hand when we do that and see what happens with us? And then tune into like, do you feel more connected? Often when we're, you know, less stressed, like the draw bridge between us, the bridge goes down and we can start to feel more of that. sense of bidirectional connection, the sense of something between us, whether it's energetic

or whether it's just a feeling. And tune into that. Because sometimes when we're in a kind of, I don't know, a lull in our sex life, we think, oh gosh, the connection's kind of, there's such a big gap in the connection. But then there's so many other, yeah, there's so many other ways we can connect to connection beyond just sex. You can generate the connection another through intention. Yeah. Through contact,

skin contact, through meditation together. Absolutely. Through shared states like that, shared relaxation. Yeah, and that makes sense. Like,

even just how you mentioned how when I pictured her being there, she seemed more relaxed because I'm more relaxed. I would imagine that also would be true if I'm frustrated. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

It just plays off. I guess it's just how empathy works really. Exactly. When you relax, people relax around you, right? If you come in with this like, I'm frustrated or you come in like more accepting and present and aware,

she'll feel that too. Yeah. And I think in that like settled place, we have more opportunity for, to enact our curiosities. So, like, ooh, you know, we're talking about oral sex, for example. It's like, can we try it out and I can give you feedback? I mean, how is your guys communication around, like, moment-to-moment happenings around intimacy and sex?

I think it can be good. And then other days, it's not. Like, it kind of, yeah, it kind of depends on the day. But, yeah, maybe it has just been a little bit. of I haven't been as mindful about my approach to it so sometimes we've been having those conversations more of that anxious

state and that relaxed one now that I think about it in hindsight but I'd say when yeah we're having like a calm, open, relaxed conversation about it then our communication is quite good but if it

comes from a place of more anxiety or anything then that communication isn't necessarily there or as good. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. So how does this feel to maybe approach her again, but from a different place? Feels hopeful, actually.

Yeah, just to think about it that way. And then when she comes home from work tonight, kind of just approach it from, again, that hopeful place. Because I am hopeful in the long. long term that things will all get figured out with like medications and all that and I think just approaching it from the mindset of yeah just hopeful that hopefulness rather than frustration I think that will get us through that that kind of lull in our sex life because like we've been together for a few years now and it has been good before.

So I'm hopeful I'll come back to that Yeah and Jesse I mean like the thing about it's sex lives Is you know The moment you're in your 30s is going to be different And then you're going to hit another milestone Of your sexual evolution

And so we can look at this as part of your sexual evolution We can call it a lull But we can also reframe it as like This opportunity to deepen in different pathways With each other As part of the continuing evolution or this continual timeline of our process, our connection, our relationship. Rather than like catastrophizing it's over, what does it mean, but to say, oh, what an opportunity

for growth here? Because we're always lying in. Our sex life's always changing and our desires and what we want. So what a great opportunity to start now and see where you guys are both at and check in and just it's a new chapter. To start today. Yeah. Sometimes conflict brings more opportunity. And there's a lot of opportunities here. Yeah. Okay, Jesse. Yeah, I think so too.

Good. Thank you so much for your call. We so appreciate you and we're here for you. So I think you got this. Let us know how it goes, okay? Yeah, okay. Well, thank you very much, guys. Thank you, Jesse.

Have a great day. We appreciate you. I felt hope now. I feel better after that, right? I feel like he's got some good information here. Yeah. Right? It's magic.

Like when we can feel like, oh, we have some power again. If I can shift my state, what else can I shift? What else can I work through? Yeah. It's such a great practice. I mean, you can think about using that in our lives, right? Because a lot of us are the, we default towards what's wrong. Yeah.

The negativity bias. Yeah. The agitated state is a lot easier to access than the hopeful calm state. Yeah. But just in those few moments. Yeah. You know, I love the way you were able to reframe that. What a great practice.

Yeah. Thank you. Thanks, Dr. Lyons. Dr. Scott, what do you like? You know, the moment he started talking, I felt this twinge of sadness in my heart. And we didn't really go into it. But I, but by the end, when he said he felt hopeful, I actually felt a shift where I felt like, oh. I did too.

Yeah, no, I felt a shift for sure where, you know, if we felt it, I can only imagine what his girlfriend's going to feel when she gets home tonight. Yeah, I really look forward to hearing how that manifest. I love when people get back to us and let us know how these things go, because then we can do follow-ups. Yeah. Right? How great to go on a journey with Jesse and his girlfriend. Yeah.

Stick around because after the break, Dr. Scott Lyons and I will be right back after talking to more of my listeners. I love hearing from all of you. My name is Jenna. I live in Colorado, and I go by her and I'm 31 years old. Hey, Jenna. Thanks so much for calling. You're on with Emily and Dr.

Scott Lyons. Hello, how are you? Good. I love your guys' show, and thank you for taking my call. I just need some advice. Yeah, we got you. So after a sexless marriage, I found someone I connected passionately with during sex, like really good sex, mind-blowing sex, your whole yes-no maybe list.

We probably did it all, or we're going to do it all. That's amazing. So he made me feel really safe and comfortable. and I could just be my best self around him. So I really believe that sex is really important in a relationship, but I decided, you know, we connected really well in the bedroom, but not really outside of the bedroom. So I broke up with him.

And I still practice solo sex regularly, but I'm having this mental block within myself that I want to start talking to other people again, but I'm just, I guess, nervous to put myself out there again. And I just don't like to sleep around, and I don't want to go back to, like, the god-awful jackhammer sex. It just turns me off, and it does not make me want to even pursue another relationship. So I was just hoping you guys could give me some advice. I'm fine with being alone, but I just miss the connection that sex has the offer.

Yeah. Yeah. sense. I got you. Well, I'm glad you were able to, after your sexless marriage, rebound and find and know that there is great sex to be had. And you can feel really connected to someone and let go and it's possible for you. So that's actually really great. And I'm really thrilled that you've had that experience. So now where you're at is you're thinking, okay, got to start again. It is kind of dating can be a drudger. You're like, okay, I'm going to boot up, going to go on a date. Now I've got to talk about my childhood and my brother's

name, my parent, like, it just gets exhausting. And then you don't know, like, aren't they going to pound out me like a jackhammer? Like, is it worth of it or try to stay home and watch TV? So, like, I get where you're at. I can feel that. It takes a lot. So I think what would be great is if we can set you up to start dating again, meeting people, in a ways where you can show up and feel like it doesn't have to be a drag. Yeah. And like, you're really just going out to see, is there a connection with somebody? You know, maybe we could even get your place where you can figure out before you get into the bedroom, is this someone that could be an open, great lover for you. And I think there are ways to tell. We aren't often thinking that way. Or as you know,

if you listen to the show, we don't often talk about sex. So tell me when you can start with how you are, how you are meeting people or right now, are you just not looking? Are you sort of like, well, I actually am going on a date tonight. Oh, this is great. Let's practice. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm very nervous and everything. Okay. Yeah, I am. It's been about six months since me and my ex broke up. So I'm just ready. to put myself out there, but I've just been really struggling to get the, you know, I'm really great at communication and I'm not afraid to say no and everything. And I feel like I communicate

well with people that I feel comfortable with. It's just, I don't know, I just have this expectation that, of course, the date's going to lead to the bedroom and that's just where I'm just having this mental block of it's just stressful. I don't know if I want to do it. Well, I have a question. So do you say that's typically your dates do lead to the bedroom? Is that what you would want or is there pressure of you? How have you, have you guys been texting ahead of time? Like, because it could also just lead to a great conversation tonight. So. Yes, that's true. Well, when I first got with my ex, it was, I was just kind of going out just to, you know, hook up. It was, that was my expectation. And, like, we went to a concert and then it was like, oh, come to my house, you know.

And now when I'm dating now, it's just kind of like, I don't want it to be like that. Okay. Because I'm just afraid that it's just going to be, I just don't want to even get to the bedroom because of the fear of it just being awful. I got you. So what would be great, Scott? What if we give her a little bit of a practice that she could do before she walks into the date tonight? So she feels the most embodied and present version of herself. Would you want to try something here with us, Jenna?

I would love that. We're going to prep you for your date today. We're going to do a little date exercise. Let's start with what is your fantasy date? What does the great date look like or good enough date look like? Let's start there and then we'll build into getting you fully ready. My good enough date would just be open communication and just, being nervous, I guess, and I don't know, just being able to be my true self with this person.

I love that. And having them be their true self with me, too. Yeah. I love it. So what's worked for you in the past to be your true self? Right now, I imagine I'm talking to your true self, yeah? Yes. So, amazing.

My nervous true self. I love your nervous true self. Yeah. You sound great. I'd date you. Emily would date you. So we're kind of dating you right now. So what's allowing you to be? Perfect. See, it's that easy. So what's allowing you to be your authentic self in this moment with us? We're strangers. Yes. Not seeing you guys face to face. Okay. That's true. And knowing that there's no expectations. Yeah. Okay. I think that's big. Yeah. So have you ever done a phone date before? the actual date? I have not. Oh. Okay.

That's, that's... And I'm kind of getting, I'm getting, I'm new to this dating thing because I was with my ex-husband for 10 years. And then right after I got with my ex-boyfriend and it was a year of that. So, and it was my first relationship outside of marriage. So the whole dating thing, I just have not, I'm just not familiar with. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's part of the nervousness is kind of the unfamiliar. Yes, yes, absolutely. Okay. So I'm asking because they will affect kind of the way we enter into a kind of a mindfulness practice next. So part of some of the nervousness is, you know, face to face. Yeah. And some of it's also expectation. It's been a while not knowing quite what to expect or what to do on that first date.

Is that right? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yep. So just some things like calling ahead, having like a five-minute call, like what I like to call a check-in, is just hearing their voice. Have you heard his voice before? I have not. So what if it was a very soothing voice on the other end of that call? What would that do for you?

That would make me feel better. Okay. Absolutely. It would make me feel a little calmer. Yeah. And I noticed you just took a breath when you said that. Yeah. So I'm going to assume by the depth of that breath that you actually feel just a little bit calmer in this moment.

I do. You do? I do. Great. So where do you feel that calmness in your body? My whole, my chest relaxed a little bit and I'm not as talkative anymore because I talk when I get nervous. I talk back and jumble up my words when I get nervous. Yeah.

So you're noticing, you did that. Yeah. Your chest relaxed. It feels like you don't have to fill the space with as many words. But the words that you get to fill the space with are probably more your authentic words. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I'm just naming that because you have the capacity to do that.

You did that in three seconds, actually. Yeah. And so I love that. I love that too. And I have no doubt that you're going to do that tonight. Imagine whether it's Emily. voice or my voice if you don't do the call before which is fine but you can do the call before but if you don't imagine a voice okay that's a great idea i never even thought of that yeah yeah

i learned that during covid when i was single and i was like oh wait i have to do a zoom date yeah and i was like oh and it and it just took the edge off of meeting in person which i mean it makes all most of us nervous yeah it does so if you can yeah so maybe you could call him beforehand but if not, just going into it with this state of calm and knowing that, you know, you said you like talking about because there's no expectation. What if there's no expectation tonight of you that you have to do anything other than show up as your true authentic self in a calm place, you know, maybe do some breathing beforehand or, you know, is there any, do you have any practice in your life that helps you feel more

calm and connected? Oh, yes. I'm really into yoga and meditating and journaling. and all that. Oh, amazing. Oh, my God. So you could do some of that tonight. Before you go out, you could sit in your car.

If you're driving or in the Uber, I always try to do before I go on a date with someone or even go into a meeting. At the time, I really try to just take a few deep breaths and ground and remember my intention. Like, you know, your intention tonight, Jenna is to go make a new connection. It's a practice, right? So this doesn't have to be anything other than you going out, getting back out there again, showing up is your authentic self without expectation. to do anything and meet someone new. Yeah. Someone who hopefully doesn't jackhammer in the bedroom and who's asked questions, right,

who makes you feel good. And so if you enter the date from an ad bodied place where you're present and there's no expectation, you're going to know if this is somebody that you maybe want to see again. Yeah. All the information is laid out for us on a date. Like how does he ask questions about you? How does he treat the weight staff? Yeah.

You know, how does he move through life? Like, I think we can tell a lot by somebody knowing of how they'll be in the bedroom or how they'll be in the boardroom. You can, these signs are there. Just, it's a practice of learning how to recognize it in somebody. And if I can add one. Yes. Which I think I overlook. Yeah, we all do, right?

It's hard to see the red flags in the distance when we're just really nervous or we want to be pleasers. It's hard to see that stuff. But when we go in, you know, present. Yeah. And if I can add a first day. doesn't mean we have to know if they're the one. In fact, I like to call this the warm-up, a complete warm-up of just going, am I having fun?

Do I want to have, would I like to have fun with this person again? And like a date, the first day can be that. It's not, will I marry this person? Do they meet all my values? What are their red flags? What are their parents like, you know, any of the question? That stuff cancels. That stuff is not presence. No.

That's like gathering, you know, that's like researching and trying to fit. into something you don't it's a whole other phase of dating you're in the discovery like yeah that's a discovery phase you're in the beginning warm up phase of like am i having fun yeah are they funny like am i even gonna want to see this yeah yeah do you do they get to be naked with you could you see yourself naked with them right and like that's the practice right that's the part of it that's the fun part you're like he's lucky that i'm getting to go into a sit spend the night with him but like do i want to do this again yeah Would I buy tickets to this show again, right?

Like, are we making this a good time? Like, it's not, right? And then we reframe that, that it's less about, do they like me and will I want this? It's like, we just want to know if you could have a good time with this guy and feel safe and have a good meal or good drink. And then see what happens from there. Absolutely. You are the gatekeeper of your body. I just want to remind you.

And so, like, this whole first day, this warm up, absolutely. It's like, am I having fun? Yeah. Are they cool enough? And then I, like, I have, you have all the power and all the choice in this way. You really do. Absolutely. Yes. I totally agree.

Jenna, I think you're ready to go. I can't wait to hear about it. Thank you for that. Do you can rock this day? I'm a little less nervous now. Good. I love it. You just got to show up and be yourself.

Yeah. Be present. And then go home and journal. I love that you journal. Because sometimes our mind tricks us. And I know if I don't write to found things after I forget or I'll read, you know, so I think to go home. think, how did I feel? What felt good? What would I want to do again? What wouldn't I want to do

again? And just get clear and do your practices. And then maybe he'll get another date. Maybe not. But you've just gone on a date and showed up in the way that you want to, which is what we're all about here. Okay. I absolutely agree. I think that's wonderful. Okay, good. And then when you find someone that you feel safe with and you want to go out, then we can talk about the sex, but I think you'll already be set up because there wasn't this, oh, I got to go perform and do something. You'll have a knowing and a trust if it does go to the next place or the next day. right? So just take your time and have fun. Yeah, one step at a time. Yes, that's it, Jenna. You got this. Well, I really appreciate that. We appreciate you, Jenna. Have a great time tonight.

Have a great time. We'll be thinking about you. Thank you very much. I'll let you know how it goes. Okay. Bye, Jenna. Thanks. Dr. Scott, I love the reframing of getting people to take control. They're in charge of their destiny and definitely that date. People have such nerves around dating. And so I just love the practice of like, let's get them in their bodies, being calm, being present. And also a little nervousness is fine. You're meeting someone new. It just means I don't know what's about to happen. But when you remember that you actually have a lot of capacities to navigate the unknown,

you have the power and the nervousness, which together is kind of a bit of excitement. Yeah, it's a great partner with our nervousness is to know that I'm nervous, but I'm going to be okay. Yeah. Because the nervous anxiety could also take. take you down that self, the spiral, right? So I don't think she's going to spiral tonight. No, I think she's going to be great. I know.

I'm feeling great about Jenna. I know, me too. And I, you know, I think that there's so much to say about taking off the pressure of what a first date is or the first couple dates. Because like, oof, when we put so much pressure on what it could mean or if they're the one, then we're so stuck in that sort of fantasy and the pedestaling and all like, you know, the comparisons. as opposed to like, how does it feel my body next to them?

Like when I sit next to you, Emily, I am zealous. I am buzzing. Like, that's a sign that I'm like, I want more of that. Yeah, absolutely. And it's there for everyone we meet, right? Our friendships, our dating life. We don't think about that. I think that it's so set up, the first date is a performance.

It's a representation of your best version of yourself. And people do go in with these checklists and all these things that it's just the opposite of being truly present and letting something unfurances. fold. Ditch the checklist. Yeah. All will reveal itself over time, and it doesn't have to happen on the first time. And having fun can just be great, too.

Exactly. And you can make a new friend. And maybe that person's not your person, but they've got a friend for you. That's happened to me. That's happened to other friends. I've gone out with people. I'm like, you're not my person, but I know who would be. Like, how wonderful if you have a good rapport with someone, that's fine.

Like the first date doesn't mean, because I have to mean so much. I guess what you're saying, Scott, is we put so much pressure on ourselves. It's a friggin' night out with someone new. Yeah. Let's make it fun. Yeah. Dr. Scott Lyons, thank you so much for being here. With such a gift having you help all of our listeners today.

Oh, such a pleasure. And I love hanging out with you and connecting with your listeners. And you're so brilliant, Emily. You're so brilliant. Right back at you, Scott. Where can people find you and follow all your magic? Yeah, I'm on socials at Dr. Scott Lyons, D.R. Scott Lyons, or my website is Dr.Scottlions.com.

Okay, great. Thank you. You're welcome. that's it for today's episode thank you so much for listening to sex with emily and if you love the show please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast and hey share this with a friend or a partner it might just spark something it usually does you can find me on instagram tick to youtube facebook and x it's all at sex with emily Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

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