Sex With Emily - The Beginner's Guide to Anal Play w/ Dr Glickman & Dr Hernandez

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

EVERYONE who signs up wins a FREE WhisperVibe™ OR a FREE Rose toy with any Whisper™ order! https://www.bboutique.co/vibe/emilymorse-podcast Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!: https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ This episode tackles one of the most misunderstood topics in sexuality with two leading experts: Dr. Charlie Glickman, co-author of "The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure," and Dr. Hernando Chavez. Together, they bust the biggest myths surrounding anal play, from the damaging idea that learning from porn is effective (spoiler: it's like "learning to drive from watching a car chase movie") to misconceptions about sexual orientation and hygiene. The conversation transforms anal exploration from anxiety-inducing taboo into approachable pleasure education. Charlie breaks down the real anatomy behind prostate stimulation and explains why men who receive anal play often become better lovers, while Hernando addresses cultural barriers and shares how that forbidden factor can actually enhance arousal. They dive into practical preparation techniques, revolutionary lube innovations, and why starting with external play removes performance pressure. Whether dealing with complete curiosity or recovering from painful past experiences, this episode provides the shame-free guidance needed to explore backdoor pleasure safely and successfully. Timestamps: 0:00 - Intro 1:16 - Anal Play Discussion 2:57 - Why Anal Sex Isn't for Everyone 4:47 - Prostate Massage for Men: Breaking the Stigma 7:47 - How to Find and Stimulate the Prostate 11:41 - Benefits of Anal Play for Couples 15:23 - Anal Play Tips and Toy Recommendations 18:03 - Pegging Basics and Prostate Stimulation 21:22 - How to Bring Up Anal Play with Your Partner 25:58 - Discussing Anal with Your Wife 36:18 - Common Anal Sex Myths Debunked 42:08 - Personal Stories and Learning Experiences 44:27 - Preparation and Hygiene for Anal Play 47:06 - Essential Lube Tips and Product Recommendations

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They use lube. They just put it in before they get on set. So learning to have sex from watching porn is like learning to drive from watching a car chase movie. Someone's going to get hurt. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your play. and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I want to talk about anal play.

For so many people, this is the most taboo subject in the bedroom, surrounded by fear, shame, and a whole lot of misinformation. Maybe you've tried it once and it was painful. Maybe you're curious but nervous about bringing it up with your partner, or maybe you've written it off completely because of what you've seen in porn or what you've been told growing up. That's why I invited two of the best experts I know, Dr. Charlie Glickman and Dr. Hernando Chavez.

together we're busting the myths, breaking down the stigma, and giving you real practical tips to explore backdoor pleasure in a safe, fun, and shame-free way. So whether you're brand new, curious, or looking to take your anal play to the next level, this conversation will help you rethink what's possible when you liberate your body from outdated taboos. All right, let's dive in. Hi, Dr. Charlie. Such a pleasure to be here.

I'm so glad you're here. Thank you. It's been, like, you've been on the show in the past probably three years ago in San Francisco, and we're both in San Francisco. I've known you for a while. It's true. And you're just, your anal career is just taken off. You know, 90% of great anal sex is in your hands. And that doesn't mean that that's 90% of the time you spend having anal sex.

But if you can get your partner warmed up with your hands, then everything else is golden. So that's the most important part. One of the things that I hear from men, from women, people who have tried anal sex and have said that it just didn't work, they say, oh, my partner went too fast, it was painful, or I didn't know what I was doing, and my partner started saying that it hurt. You've got to warm your partner up. It's just like stretching before you work out at the gym. I know, and I feel like there's so many people are like, oh, I had a bad experience once. I was drunk. Someone took it in.

We had no lube. It hurt, and then they signed, you know, forever they write off anal sex. Oh, that's terrible. Right. If you know what you're doing, you can make anal play feel awesome. But if you don't know what you're doing, it can be painful, it can be uncomfortable. I've talked to couples that nearly broke up because of the pain that they were having around it. Well, you know, one of the problems is that people copy what they see in porn.

And in porn, they do all of their warm up before they turn the cameras on. Right. They use lube. They just put it in before they get on set. So learning to have sex from watching porn is, like, like learning to drive from watching a car chase movie. Someone's going to get hurt. That is great.

That's a great way to put it. Do you think anal sex is for everyone? No. No. There's nothing that works for everybody. Not when it comes to sex, not when it comes to food. But a lot more people would enjoy it if they knew what they were doing. Okay.

And, you know, it's funny. I've talked with a lot of my coaching clients who have said, oh, I don't like it. I tried it once. It wasn't any good. And then they learned how to do it right. And all of a sudden, they're a fan. Yeah. But, um...

Like, what are the misconceptions, and what do you kind of debunk in it? I always start off with the anatomy. Okay. Because if you don't know the landscape, you're not going to know how to get there. Right. And there's some useful things to know. Like, a lot of people don't realize that the anus, it tightens up when you get stressed out. Like, think about when a cat or a dog gets scared and they tuck their tail under to protect themselves.

This is why people who are stressed out all the time, we call them tight asses. It's literally true. But it doesn't matter where the stress is coming from. If you've had a bad day at work, you've been stuck in traffic, you are worried about it hurting, you're going to tighten up, and that's going to make it uncomfortable, and then it tightens up more, and then it becomes painful. So I always start off talking about the anatomy so that people can understand how to do the relaxation. The second thing is when I talk about anal play, I'm not talking about anal intercourse.

That's fun stuff, but there's all kinds of things. you can do with your hands, you can do with toys. So if you are giving your partner a blowjob and you're tickling around the outside with your finger, in my book, that is still anal sex. Because it's sex that includes the anus. Right. Okay. So one of the things that will make it easier

is take anal intercourse off the table for the first couple times, no pressure. The more pressure you have on a goal, the harder it is to get there. It's true. So prostate massage for men, I mean, there is such a stigma. A lot of men think it'll make them gay, it'll make them, whatever. They have no idea about these sensations they can feel.

And now I'm wondering, I know that, again, it's not the same for everybody. Would you say that most men, though, that you have had pleasure from this? Or is there any men who are like, nope, you did it, Charlie, because you're the guy. Like, if I was a guy and I'd go to you. But I'm sure, I mean, are they like, nope, it doesn't feel good, didn't work. You know, there are definitely guys who it doesn't work for. but the thing that I always want to tell men is that where your nerve endings are, that's what kind of sex feels good to you.

Who you want to have sex with, that's your sexual orientation. And those two things are not the same thing. Right, exactly. Just like who you like to eat dinner with is different from what foods you like. It's always about sex and food for me. Right, it has no, it totally makes sense, so I get it. Yeah. And the thing is, too, is that when we wrote the book, The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure,

we surveyed over 200 people, men and partners. asking them about their experiences. And we found that, you know, the fear of, is this, does this mean something about my sexual orientation was one of the big worries that kept guys from trying it. And the interesting thing is that men who experience anal massage who receive it become better givers because you know what it feels like. You know, I mean, why would you, if you went to a spa. Could become better givers sexually?

Yeah. Well, because, you know, men who have never received penetration, sex happens outside your body. And it's only when you receive penetration that you realize, oh, I can be super turned on really into my partner and still need lots of foreplay. Right. And so you become a much more patient giver. And so the partners of men, especially women, say that, wow, now that we've done this, he's much more aware of my needs before. we have intercourse and it's just made his sex life much better. And so, and so it's explained to me the process, I mean, the prostate with men.

Like, is it the kind of thing where it's just, just be people who, like, let's ready pretend people have just heard about it, but they don't even get it. Like, is it the kind of thing where if you're starting out, you would just recommend that the two partners you're together or they kind of work it into their lovemaking or it's a standalone act or, you know, they're using toys. I mean, how would you suggest people start? Well, let me start off by saying how I don't want anyone to start. Perfect.

I don't want anyone to surprise their partner with any penetration. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. We don't want anyone to be surprised, right? Because that's just no fun.

I think prostate massage is easier when it's partnered because it's kind of hard to reach on yourself. If you're going to do it solo, use a toy. Use like which toy, like the Neros? The Aneros is a really good one. It's a hands-free prostate massager. I'm a big fan. You can also use a dildo as long as it's more than about four or five inches long. it'll reach the prostate.

Okay. So you're saying recommended with a partner, though. Yeah, it's a little bit easier with a partner. Yeah, okay. And, you know, there's all the external stuff and I talk about it in the book and in my workshops and all of that.

But once you have a finger inside, the prostate, it's actually a lot like the G-spot for women. Right, that's what we say. It's a male G-spot. Yeah. You insert a finger, curl it towards the belly button, and you're looking for something about an inch across. It feels like a ripe plum.

So soft and firm at the same time. The tricky thing about finding the prostate, is that it gets bigger when you get turned on because it feels like a G spot exactly it fills up with fluid and that's actually where semen comes from part of semen the fluid so if your partner isn't turned on enough yet you might be in exactly the right spot but you might not feel it because it hasn't gotten bigger right uh that's less true for older men because prostates just get bigger as men get older 50% of men by age 50 have an enlarged prostate okay right so yeah so if you're with a guy who's 25, you might need to get him super turned on.

Like, give him a blowjob. Exactly. Would you even suggest having sex first? Sure. Okay, have sex. Blow job, watch a dirty movie. So have him come? Have him ejaculators?

Get him turned on. Okay. And then flip him over. And then on his back or face down, whatever feels easier. I like on his back because you can do face-to-face. Oh, on his back and then you can see each other. Okay. But if you're with a guy who's in his 50s, his baseline,

size is probably bigger, so you might not need to get him as turned on. Okay. So let's talk about younger men, though. So you're giving him a job, he's turned on, and then he stays on his back. Right. And so, you know, you've got your glove on, keep things nice to play. Always wear a glove. You've got your lube on your fingers.

All that stuff about finding the prostate. So when you get your finger inside, it's about three to four. Does it matter which finger? I like the index finger because it's more flexible because you're going to be there for a little while. So if you insert your finger and just aim up towards the belly button, And you'll know you're on the right spot if you can feel it on your fingertip. But if you're not sure, sometimes for guys, it feels utterly amazing as soon as you touch it.

And it's like, oh, wow, that's perfect. Sometimes the sensation he'll get is like he needs to go to the bathroom. Yeah, sounds like just like. Just like the G spot. If you get that sensation, that means you're on the right spot, back the pressure off about 20%. Okay. Also like the G spot. Right.

And then once you have, once you've found the prostate, three really good moves, you can do the come-hither move, which is like the G-spot. You can do circles, and circles you can do big circles across the entire gland or little circles just on one spot. And then the third stroke that you can also try is like an in-and-out motion but maintaining contact. Okay, so you stay in. So like maintaining upward pressure while you slide in and out.

You can't see this on the podcast, but we're doing hand gestures. Right, exactly. We should take a picture. Okay, and then how long would it usually, and then just get him to the same thing, relax breathing, and then they could have explosive, the organ, is a different kind of, how would you explain it? I know it's so hard, I could explain orgasms. So one thing I do want to say is that his penis might not be fully hard.

Sometimes with anal penetration, he may lose his erection, and that's probably because the muscles that trap blood inside the penis relax when you also relax the anus. So even if he's soft, if he's having a good time, don't worry about it. Okay. And you can tell if he's having a good time. Yeah. If he's like, time for Netflix, you're like, okay. Yeah, but if his eyes are rolling back in his head and he's saying, oh, wow, that's amazing.

Don't worry if he's not hard. Okay. And you'd recommend starting with fingers and a glove, not toys. Okay. All right. Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back to talk about your back door with Dr. Charlie Glickman. And I take a call about how to bring up anal with your partner.

Do you think that a lot of couples can benefit from exploring anal play? And if so, how? I think people could, well, yes, I think people can. And I think one of the big reasons is that, you know, we're used to thinking only of this one part of our bodies is our sex organs. So I think it's great when you can explore the sexual sensations of your entire body, your skin, your breasts, your pecks, your nipples, whatever. And the ass, the anus in particular, is the sex.

section where, like, people have so much stigma, so much fear around it. Taboo. And if you're not present in your ass, you're not fully present in your body. By definition, because here's a part of your body that you're just not tuned into. Right. So even if you don't find it sexually fun or erotically fun, just being able to be aware of, you know, what's going on in that part of my body increases your ability to feel pleasure. Right.

It's like another place that you can feel pleasure on your body. And, like, I would say sex is expansive. Like, why should you live it yourself just to having a clitoral orgasm or a juice butter? Like, what if you could have all this other pleasure? Lots of options. So, yeah, I'm a big fan. I mean, obviously. But I do think that even if it's not your main focus, just being able to be aware of the sexual sensations that you might have there can be really intimate and can be really exciting.

And what about tips for women for experiencing anal sex? what would you say like relaxing but also about orgasms like I've had few women like they're porn starts on the show and they're like I always have I know other women do do too have orgasms and during anal sex so here's the thing some people can orgasm just from anal play some people need g spot or clitoral play at the same time that doesn't mean that one person is better than the other but you know I actually I have there's no hierarchy like you're better because you can have an anal whatever works for you but also you know I've I've talked to a couple of women who say that they get better G-spot stimulation through anal play, especially anal intercourse.

They get better G-spot play. So, you know, if somebody says, oh, I easily orgasm from anal sex, it might just be that, you know, she found the right angle to hit her G-spot. Right. You know, so you can also play with that. And that can also be affected by the shape and size and curvature. It's anatomy. I was going to say, the way we're all built it, right, or the penis that you're with or your body, right? I mean, the way your G-spot is. I met a guy once. I met a guy once. whose penis had a really strong upward curve and his girlfriend loved it because it was perfect for her G-spot.

She was a keeper. But then if they were in doggy style, it would miss her G-spot, right? So you really get to play with these kinds of things. Right, and people should keep playing with these things. You know, like the couples will come to you but doing the same thing. I mean, that's just what amazed me.

That's why you and I exist is to help people experience different things. And like I said, some people can orgasm from anal play on its own, but if you need a vibrator on your clit at the same time, go for it. I know. This is what I was the same thing.

I was talking to someone yesterday. She's like, I have male and an orgasm with a partner. I'm like, okay, you along with 70% of, you know, women, and if the 30% who can, it's not every time. But what's wrong with, you know, God, I mean, we talk about it, but what's wrong with using your vibrator on your, I mean, like, nothing at all. Yeah.

Guys, people shouldn't forget about it. And, you know, and I've talked to women who have real specific sexual patterns. Like, it has to be exactly this kind of touch in this position where it just doesn't work for me. and other folks who, you know, they have a lot more options. And that just seems to be how different bodies are wired. Or but do you think it's because they just believe they have certain, like if you work with people and you're like, let's expand this,

let's see if you can have it this way and they go back to where they are? Yeah, and it doesn't mean they don't enjoy the other stuff. But it may just be the way their bodies are wired. Right. Okay, so couples who are just starting out, let's say they're like, okay, we want to try it. What would you recommend, like, toy? What would you say, like, start with some butt plugs and lube before your, fingers first, or let's say we did the fingers.

So we got fingers first. We got fingers first. Yeah, I think butt plugs are lots of fun. There's so many now. There's lots of them. They're hands free. So you can combine them with other kinds of sex super easy. I mean, you can wear them while you're sitting in the car. Although I will just give folks a warning. If you do want to wear a butt plug when you go out in public, like maybe you're going

out for romantic Valentine's Day dinner or whatever, bring a plastic baggie so that you have somewhere to put your plug. if you need to duck into a bathroom and take it out. I understand that. Okay, but let's go back to the couple's... Your purse is not the place for that. No, no, no, no. You want to throw your purse if you throw it in there.

But let's just start about using butt plugs. The different kinds are like vibrating. There's silicone. There's big. They're small. So start off small. The difficulty with plugs, two things about butt plugs that folks don't know. One is that the neck of the plug, that has to rest in the anal canal,

which is about an inch and a half long. So the bulb has to be, the neck has to be at least an inch long so that the bulb goes all the way inside, otherwise it's going to fall out. And if the bulb is not big enough, it's also going to fall out. So if you want something small, check out one of the stainless steel plugs by Enjoy because they can make the stainless steel really skinny. Right, okay. The silicone plugs, if they make them that skinny, they tear.

And would you say a couple share their butt plugs? If you want to share plugs, you can do that. You've got a couple of options. One is put a condom on it so that you've got a nice, clean surface. or the stainless steel or silicone ones, you can wash with soap and water and then put in the top rack of a dishwasher. If you don't have a dishwasher,

wash your toy and then put it in boiling water for five minutes. Because you do want to be careful about... Absolutely. I mean, I have, like, toy cleaner and stuff, but even sometimes I'm like, I don't know. Yeah, I put it in the dishwasher. Although... Wait, which toys?

Is silicone or steel? I did not know that you could put this... Yeah, silica. Butt plugs, but not like... As long as there's no vibrator. Okay, got it. But one thing is... is if you put your toy in the dishwasher,

make sure you're the one to empty the dishwasher. I had this problem with my housekeeper. I told us on the show a few weeks ago she came over. They weren't in the dishwasher, but they were on the drying rack. And it was a little embarrassing that I forgot to take them off. She didn't touch them, though. She put them in a bowl. Okay, I got some questions for my listeners.

Would you mind helping me answer? Bring it. Because you're the man to do so. Okay, thank you everybody for emailing me, feedback at sex with Emily.com. And you guys have been so freaking awesome lately because all I ask is that you tell me how old you are and where you live.

And also, you know, if you want to tell me how you listen to the show. So thank you, everyone, for doing that. Anyway, Emily, recently tried pegging, but if not yet, tried prostate massage. Both my female partner and I really enjoyed the pegging. However, we are not sure how to do the P-Spot massage or how it should feel if it's incorrectly. I assume gloves should be worn for safety. Are there any toys that could help us similar to G-Spot toys?

Thanks, Rick. So first, we should talk about pegging because a lot of people don't know what pegging is. Yeah. So let's just explain, or I guess there's the next question. But, yeah, let's just talk about pegging real quick. So pegging is when women wear a strap on dildo with a man on the receiving side. The word was coined by Dan Savage about 12, 13 years ago maybe. Nobody coined it.

Yeah, he actually, he did a survey. He asked people, he came up with three words and asked people to vote, and pegging was what won the vote. It's a good one. Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Dan. Because we needed that word. Totally. And so, all right, so if you're already doing pegging, you've got the warm up down.

If you enjoy it, you've got that stuff sorted out. So a couple things you can do with prostate play with pegging. one is get a curved dildo or a dildo with a really prominent bulb or head and then angle the curve so that it is angled up towards your belly button so if it's curved up that's good for face to face if it's curved down that's good for doggy style okay um and uh your partner have her as she's thrusting kind of aim her thrusts up towards your belly button so rather than going directly in and out get a little bit of an angle with the toy with the toy okay right so You may need to play around with different positions.

Which toys, again, would you recommend for the same ones? Well, any dildo with a curve. Okay. Any that you like? I like the charm, which is made by Pleasure Works, sold through good vibrations. Okay. Because it's got a nice curve to it, and it is smooth. You want a toy that's nice and smooth for anal play.

But really, any G-Spot toy will work because it's got that curve. What about with the vibrations, though, just a dildo? Men like vibrations, too? Absolutely. Yeah, right? Nothing on little vibrations. Absolutely. Vibration is fun.

And then the one other thing I'd recommend for pegging with prostate play is she can also put her hand on your lower belly right above the pubic bone and kind of press down towards the bed and that'll kind of squeeze the prostate down towards the dillow. So squeezing from the outside and the inside just like these are such good tips. Yeah, try that. Let us know how that goes. Yeah, let us know, Rick. I want to know how it goes.

Okay, we've got another one. Dear Emily, my fiancé and I enjoy partaking. and pegging, except I need major help in figuring out how the heck you pull it off correctly, and I'm not talking about the strap on either. We, of course, draw our inspirations from porn and the loads of kinky stuff on the internet, but when push comes to shove, literally, I feel like I need a flip chart to figure out the various insertion positions for each position we get ourselves into. Why does my body not go effortlessly into the sexy thrusting positions I see various vixen performing on their men in movies? I feel like a floppy fish or whale

trying to figure out how to move my body to get this strap on in his hole. Is there a good resource for a girl like me to figure out body positions and how to center myself for the best possible pleasure of my man? This is not something I can talk to anyone else about, so any tips or advice is appreciated. Oh, much love, strapless in Seattle. Oh, wait, she said, just kidding, location-wise, I'm actually in the Bay Area because I was going to say you're now in Seattle.

Yeah, I just moved from Oakland to Seattle last week. She's 28 years old, but Charlie does see clients too. So if you're interested, we're going to talk about this after, but you can see clients everywhere, right? Because you do sky to sky. Anyway, she's funny, but she's not in sale. Okay, anyway, female 28. Okay.

So here's a couple of things. One is you're going to have to play with different positions because your body shape, your partner's body shape, the dildo you're using. So I can't be super specific. But first thing, put a pillow under his hips to lift him up a little bit. Okay. That'll give you more flexibility, more options. Another really good position is for him to be on his elbows and knees, or he can stand on the bed and bend forward over. the bed and you can stand on the floor.

Okay. But you said something really important, which is that the thrusting in and out motion, that's not the natural motion for most women who are feeling sexy. And most women do more of a hip swivel, figure eight kind of motion. And the thrusting in and out, you know, that's a different kind of core strength. So if you have trouble doing that for a while, to be honest, the best thing you can do is some Pilates. Oh, okay.

Because it actually takes a lot of core strength. In fact, I said earlier about how men who receive anal become better givers. A lot of women I've talked to who try pegging discover things like, oh, now I see why my boyfriend collapses on top of me after sex, because this is work. I mean, it's awesome and it's fun, but it's a lot of effort. So you're going to need to build up some core strength to be able to do that. That's great. And, you know, yoga too is good.

Yoga is good, but it's definitely a lot of core strength. And for the positioning, I should have mentioned this before, I'm a big fan of the Liberator pillows. Oh, I love Liberator, yeah. Because they're firm and they hold everything, you know, they hold your partner in a good position. The wedge, or do you recommend it? There's so many different.

Yeah, I like the wedge, actually. The ramp is also fun. It's a little big. I have the ramp. They send me the ramp. My place is so small. I'm like, where do I put it? It's like hidden behind my clothes rack,

but then I like someone come over and it'll fall over. I'm like, oh, that's tricky. I like it's got the crick. cuffs on it. Anyway, okay, that's great advice. I love sex furniture. Yeah, try the wedge. Okay, we got one more question. Does anything else with that? No. Okay, because we got to get all of our, you're the man here. I'm so glad. Hello, I'm 21. I've been with my girlfriend for four years. I wanted to know how I could bring up pegging to her. She will occasionally finger my back door, but she feels a little weird about it, and I don't know if she will be into it. Thanks. No name, but, you know,

let's call him Mike. Okay. Hi, let's call him Mike. Okay. Yeah, why not? So, you know, this is actually a really common question. How do I ask my partner about Blank. Bill in the blank. All the, right. So one thing, a mistake I see a lot of people make is they bring it up during sex. And the reason why that's a mistake is because you're killing, if your partner has any kind of negative reaction, it kills the mood and causes a big, big fight.

You're better off asking the question when you're not in the middle of sex. Always. Breakfast, road trip. And actually, I like that you said road trip, because when you're sitting side by side and not face to face, it can be easier to have those conversations. It's less threatening. So while you're walking the dog together is a good time to do it. That is a great point.

Yeah. So a couple of good ways to do it. One is to say something like, oh, you know, I was listening to this podcast about pegging and I'm really curious about it. Or I went to this website. You go to my book's website, Prostatepleasureguide.net. And then you can say to your partner, oh, yeah, I found this really interesting website. Have you ever thought about this? You know, what do you think about trying this thing?

But do you think most women, if they hadn't heard of it, they might be like, you know, because most people haven't heard of it. I mean, we come from this world, but. Well, and, you know, I might say something like, you know, I was reading this website about anal play for men, and I'm kind of curious about it. Right. Right. And this podcast said it would rock my world and I'd have the most amazing feelings. And that can be a really good way to do it. If she feels weird about it, you know, then the question that as a coach I would ask is, you know, what about this feels weird?

you. Is it that, you know, there's anal sex phobia and you're worried about germs? Is it that you think that receiving penetration means that you're gay, which is not true? We talked about that earlier. Is it that you feel nervous about doing something that you don't know anything about and maybe you just need to read a book? So the question is, what is it about this that makes you uncomfortable? And is there a way we can overcome that? There might not be. Right. Exactly. That you can't convince everyone, but that's a great way to go about it. Yeah, that's my way. Great, good.

So, yeah, wherever you are. I'm so glad you're here on the planet. Thank you so much for being here with me. We can talk to Marcus. Marcus called Marcus 34 in Wisconsin. Hi, Marcus. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

Hi. Yeah. So my question is every time down on my wife, she enjoys it. and I enjoy giving that to her. I would like to kind of push it a little bit farther towards some anal play. Okay. Whether it is with, you know, my finger, tongue, or whatnot, I just don't know how to bring that up to her in a way that's not going to her out

or, you know, kind of be off-footing right away. Right. Okay. Great, Marcus. Well, I've got a few ideas for you. So the best way to do this to enter into an anal agreement when you haven't before is to talk about it when you are not in the bedroom. So you don't want to, like, surprise someone, right, with a finger. But next time you guys are, you know, hanging out, if you're having dinner and you could just say, you know, I, you know, well, Marcus, tell me this.

Do you guys ever talk about your sex life and what satisfies you and what you're into, what she likes? it's usually kind of in the heat of moments like i'll ask her what she likes and she always kind of just as you know anything you do which i'm happy to hear but at the same time i kind of want to you know try this but at the same time there's been there's been talks before where it's like no but that's more so just like straight penetration that she's said no to but not i really haven't asked her the idea of you know just yeah okay i got it marcus i totally got it so here's my suggestion for you so you know because this is i hear this a lot so most if you haven't talked about sexy four i think this is a great

opportunity for you to say to where you know i realize how long have you been together marcus let's talk about something most people don't think about until there's a problem that is blood flow. Because whether you have a penis or a vulva, healthy circulation is the foundation of arousal, sensation, and pleasure. And over time, things like stress or aging or health conditions can slow that flow down. And you know what happens? It affects your performance, your sensitivity, and your confidence. That's why I am obsessed with gains wave. It's not a pill you pop or a quick fix. It's a clinical service and protocol that uses acoustic sound waves to actually restore blood flow and tissue health. So you can feel more alive in your body. And for penis,

Gaines Wave for him can support a rectile performance, function, and confidence without drugs, without surgery, or downtime. And for VOLVA owners, Gaines Wave for her can increase sensitivity, lubrication, orgasmic potential. We love that, and even help with incontinence. Sessions are in clinic, completely non-invasive, pain-free, and usually take less than 20 minutes so you can get back to your day and your pleasure right away. Gaineswave is offered through a nationwide network of trained providers who guide you every step of the way. No shame, no scare tactics. Just science-backed, feel good care. So stop with the

band-aids, treat the root cause. Reclaim your pleasure today with Gaines Wave. Find a provider at Gaineswave.com. That's G-A-I-N-S-W-A-V-E.com. Gaineswave.com. Eight years. Eight years. Okay, perfect. So it's funny, though, Marcus, you're not alone in that. Most couples that I talk to here on the show, haven't talked about their sex life because, you know, we don't have a great model of it. Our parents didn't talk to us about it. We're afraid that we're going to get judged. And so we just decide not to say anything, which is why your wife, much like how I was when I, you know, when I was in my 30s, I would, if someone asked me, if a guy asked me, are you into this? I'd be like, yeah. And they'd say, what else do you want me do? I'd say, everything's great.

Because I didn't know what else there was to say because I wasn't comfortable and I hadn't done a lot of exploring. I hadn't done a lot of the masturbation that I, all the hours I've been logging and all the sex I've been logging since. So the conversation goes something like this. I realize we've been together for eight for so long and I really love the sex we're having and you can even give some examples. You turn me on. I love the way you taste when I go down and you all the things and say, but I realize that like we've been together a long time and I think I would just really love to do some playing with you and figure out what might you be into? And I know we haven't talked about it, but like is there a fantasy you have?

And if she doesn't answer there, because she might, again, most people haven't talked about it until this moment. But I've advised thousands of couples to have conversations like this, Marcus. And so she might brittle at it and say, I, why are you talking about this? Oh, is our sex life not great? You know, that's kind of where our minds go. But you might want to say to her, I just want to make sure we're great lovers to each other. Maybe you could start with, what are the three most memorable times you've had sex? Like, with moments.

Like, are there three moments that stick out for you? because then by her telling you that, that starts the conversation. And then you could tell her what you liked. And then you could just see where it goes from there. Now you have to remember that it's not a one-time conversation. It's ongoing. And hopefully she'll take to this conversation. You can always start it and call me back because I am here every night.

But you could just say, and then if you get to this point, you could say, I've just been fantasizing. Like I know we've talked about anal sex, but I think anal play, which by the way, coming soon, August is anal August. we're going to be here for it. You could say to her, I just want to, like, you know, I've been listening to this show. People blame me all the time. Marcus, this show sucks with Emily. She talks about there's all these nerve endings. It can feel great for women. I'd love to just kind of use my finger or my mouth. We could take a shower together. I'm getting in front of all the things she's going to worry about, like, how is her hygiene. And you can say, I just want to, like, taste it or like, see how it feels. I can go really slow because you could say, I've said on the show, which is true, we have so much fear around it because we had a bad experience one. we've heard it's painful it's not sanitary it's taboo all the things but once we let all of that go and we're like okay you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna open my mind and see and go slow it actually can feel really good because there's so many nerve endings there's so many ways to to to play and so

you could just say i would love to continue to keep expanding and trying new things because not because you're bored not because maybe you're bored to be honest we do the same things over and over again in the bedroom but because for set for intimacy to grow in a relationship we have to keep trying new things. We have to keep, we try new foods, we try new exercise. But we don't, you know, so sex is the same way. So how do you feel about having just a conversation with her overall and then seeing how it feels to kind of get her comfortable with it

and then kind of move into that? It's one of those things where I just don't know how it's going to go because, like you said, you know, we've never had that conversation before. So it's going to be interesting because, yeah, I feel like she's going to start questioning things. Yep. With that, but, yeah, every time it's usually, you know, we're doing something, and I'll ask, you know, does that feel good? Do you want me to continue that? She doesn't know.

She doesn't know. Like, be somewhere else with it, you know. She has no idea. She'll direct me in the moment like that, which I. Oh, that's good. more than appreciate above that just because I just want to make sure she's getting the best experience possible. Right, which I love. And that's another thing to say, Marcus, is I just want to make sure you could even say to her, you know what, babe, this is, this is really hard for me to say it's very uncomfortable.

I've never talked about this before, but I love you. You're my wife. And I want you to know that this is nothing. I know that a lot can come up for you right now. This isn't about you and this isn't about like anything wrong you're doing. I just know how important it is for, I've seen it in so many couples. I hear it on the show, I listen to if you feel comfortable with that, that so many couples eventually their sex life just becomes non-existent, non-existent because they don't talk

about it and they keep doing the same things. And apparently there's a lot of things we could learn together. Sex can feel amazing in all these ways and you can have orgasms. Women can learn to, most women can have multiple orgasms. And you might have just in that first conversation, Marcus, be patient and be okay with her say and I just want to tell you what I want to say and then you go into I would love to explore I'd love to start having a dialogue with you um you know and then see what she says that first one again might be about her you know then you could say and what are your response to that it

it might be about her getting comfortable with it and then you have another one but but I understand too Marcus that maybe she grew up in a religious household maybe she was told that it was wrong to talk about maybe she has no idea what feels good so what I love is it's only been eight years and you're 34 years old. So you can start things that are worth having in life take some effort. And I believe that for everyone who's in a relationship and not a relationship, we all deserve to have really healthy, expansive intimate lives. And it starts with these kind of conversations that are awkward at first and she might be taken aback by it. But again, if she cares about the intimacy and prioritizing pleasure, which is a lot of couples, again, they listen to my show together, they listen to my

podcast the last 15 years together and it helps them or you research find an article or something that she could start to get her head around that it's not just you but it's actually science that that this is that there's a lot of pleasure to be had for her and most people do not get healthy sex education and information unless they seek it out because it's not on billboards it's not on TV right so you happen to see this driving along and listening but so so be patient with her that she has it doesn't I'm assuming she's never really thought about or talked about it, at least not to, not in the way that we need her to, okay? Yeah, I completely, yes, in that aspect of kind of being reserved in that, and, you know,

we've never had that dialogue, and it's kind of one of those things that it's slightly bit awkward if we have talked about, you know, just a quick thing when nothing is going on between us. Well, you could say that. This is really uncomfortable. I know we've never talked about it unless we're having in the bedroom. But I'm asking this because I want this to become a really important part of our relationship and how we can be better lovers to each other, how we can have more intimacy. And I don't know, maybe you're not just talking about sex. Maybe you want more handholding. Maybe you want more cuddling. Maybe there's, you know, it's all about intimacy and connections. So just say, I think it's important. I'd love for us to figure out a way to have

conversations about this to get past the awkwardness because it's uncomfortable for me too. But I think it's important for us to do this. And then just listen. So, you know, just go back to like, but I think it's important. We can keep talking about it. And you can call me back. A lot of people like have the first conversation and then you call me back next week and let me how it goes or tomorrow. And I can help you kind of figure out the next steps because it's brave and I know it's not easy, but it's so important. And then you'll be able to get into the anal and all the other things. But you can't go from zero to anal. Okay. Thanks, Marcus. Thanks for your call. Keep you posted. Okay. I'll be here. All right. We're going to take a quick break, but don't miss

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and use code Emily for up to 35% off your first subscription order. That's Emily at livemometus.com. I'm here with my friend Hernando, Dr. Chavez. Hello. Emily, hello. So, so let's move me to little anal sex because last year around this time we were holing up in my apartment I was prepping for an anal sex workshop and her name is a lot of workshops and I was like I'm just so much better working with you with someone when I want and we put together you know we talked a lot about anal and you're an anal connoisseur I'd have to say that that's my favorite coffee shop to go to yeah my favorite latte yeah exactly um so yeah I thought we could just do a little rundown here if these are like common questions. You know, people are really, you know, obsessed. A lot of people are kind of obsessed

with anal sex, too, and, like, want to know, like, you know, what do you think, like, the appeal is or why people are so obsessed with it? Well, I think part of the appeal about anal sex is also because it's in that area of the butt. And I think there's a lot of, there's boob men, there's butt men, there's, you know, people who have different parts of the body. But when you're really into the ass, anal just makes sense. And so for a lot of people, especially Latin guys like myself or black guys or people of color, you know, different cultures, it just seems to, you know, to be like this desire to want to engage with like the curvature and the hourglass sort of area of, you know, area of. Look, he's like, he's like gripping an ass right now as he's talking.

It's very sexy. He's like the ass, the ass, the ass. I'm like, wow. I'm making like melons in my hand. But and so I think that it, it, for people that physical, um, arousal does transfer into a lot of their, their desires. And then also anal has this wonderful taboo sort of context to it that really does, I think, get under people's skin and psychologically, just get them excited and aroused. Because of the taboo. Yeah, it's true. And people always want to know, like, how do I do it better? Or they're afraid of it.

We're going to be answering some emails about it. But let's just break down some of the myths, let's say, or taboos, fears. The butt is exit only not for pleasure. You know, we hear that. Like, why do anal, you know, and you can, like, have so many, you have the vagina or it's not even an erogenous zone. Not true. Not true.

For some people, it might be painful. I mean, it might be not an erogenous zone. but for many, many it is. And a lot of pleasure from it. I think a lot of people never give it a chance. And they have it in their mindset already that, hey, this is not a place where I should go to, that the exit only sort of philosophy is what I live and stand by. And they don't even experiment and explore.

And imagine if we just denied ourselves from trying out something that could be so enjoyable or pleasurable. I always use the sushi metaphor. Like how many of us did not want to try sushi that first time? Yeah, I didn't. Like, raw fish? Are you kidding me? Like, no, I'm not eating that. Like cook it.

And then all of a sudden, how many times do you go for sushi? If I could, I would eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah. I love sushi. What's your favorite kind of sushi? Spicy tuna, tuna, or eel and avocado roll, yellow tail, hamachi. Oh my God, I'm getting so hungry. Would it melts in your mouth?

It's so good. That's what anal sex can do. Enal sex can melt in your mouth. It's true. But people say, notherty is speaking of melting in your mouth. It's too dirty. It's messy. It's painful to be sexy, people think.

But, you know, no, it can be, you know, there's poop in there. They think, oh, it can't be sexy, but we're going to tell them how it can be. anal sex is only for gay man and if you like it that means that you're gay people say that too not true you're a straight man i am you identify straight i identify straight and um and you like anal play in your in your anal i like it with my partners and with myself so for me it's a it's a it's an area that has so many nerve endings and it could be so like we said taboo and arousing and pleasurable that we might as well explore to see if we have compatibility with our partners from that area and this whole idea that it's dirty or unhygienic i mean look when we

take a shower when we cleanse ourselves and we do a little bit of prep work i mean that's how our bodies work and we can you know freshen them up to a uh in my opinion to a place where we can feel really good about the sexual experiences and the and the sense and the tastes and the touches that we have right but how did you get into it how did you like the first time you tried it were you with a partner or did you with your own anus oh because a lot of men yeah because i'm always well it doesn't however you first because a lot of men that i think that's the biggest thing i hear is guys are like, well, now I feel like men are starting to say, I'm kind of curious, but I'm not really sure what to do, you know, like, and all the things, it doesn't make me gay, but, you know,

they don't know how to even stimulate themselves. So, I mean, I know you're a sex educator and doctor and all that. You know, for myself, it was about a partner who just was mosing on around that area and just, like, started grazing in that region with their finger. And I thought, you know, there was like a conflict I was experiencing. It was like, wow, it feels really good, but whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling or I shouldn't be liking that. So I'm going back and forth, kind of in my head, and you're kind of like, yes, more, no, please stop. And yes, no, more, please stop, you know. And I just found that, you know, once you get comfortable with somebody and you want them.

Was it a finger the first time? No, it wasn't even inside. It was just on the outside. Oh, right, the outside, because there are so many nerve endings that can feel really good. Yeah. And a lot of people, a lot of women will, you know, play with your balls and they'll kind of like go a little bit south and then start playing with your perennium. And then all of a sudden you're like, wow, that does feel kind of good. And then there's just like this accidental graze on the anus.

And then you're like, uh, you could do that again if you want. Right. But you don't know how to say it because you're like, you're like, right? Because he was not to communicate. So what did you say? You're like, do that again. Not the first time. No.

I didn't say anything. I just like put in a memory box. Right. You're like, oh, check. Yeah. Okay. Good. And then as we got, you know, we got more educated and more experience.

Like all of a sudden we realized, oh, there can be like a communication about this or we can incorporate some loob or we can actually like involve this and enjoy it. So it's, it's a process. I know a lot of people listening. That first step is the hardest one and just being able to acknowledge. it within yourself that this is a place where I can venture to explore? Exactly, men and women. It's true because a lot of women think that, you know, they don't like, you know, they think

they don't like anal sex. They would never like it or maybe they had a bad experience or it was really, really painful. Yeah, there's a lot of bad experiences that people have. First time when they write it off forever because, you know, you didn't use lube, you weren't warmed up. Someone just shoved it in like, no, that's not good. That's why we're today we're going to tell you to do it the right way. Do you want to hear about my first experience on me?

Oh, yeah. So I was always fascinated by it with my first college girlfriend. and, you know, she would allow me to try, and I didn't know what I was doing. On her. On her. Okay. I had no clue what I was doing. I was the, I mean, literally, I was just put a dun set on me. I was the most uneducated, like, worst anal sex experience ever. I'm sure a lot of women cannot relate to what you're saying right now. And I didn't know. I mean, I cared about her. I loved her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't know I needed a lube. So we would try these things with hands or body parts, penises, and no loop was involved. And just,

I could only imagine the awful experiences she was having, and it was just the two of us not knowing what we were doing. She didn't know what to recommend it. I didn't know what to recommend it. How would you know then? Right. So once we were taking a shower, and she was always a trooper. She was always like trying and trying, and we just never could get, you know, it couldn't emulate like what I'd see in porn.

And all of a sudden we're in the shower, and she was such a passive, submissive, sweet, sweet girl. And she got this like rage inside of her as we were taking a shower together. Wow. She took her finger and she just jammed it up inside of me. And I was literally plastered up against the, tile and I was just like my hands were spread and I was like what the you know what the hell you're doing I was like under her total control I couldn't move I was like and she says now you know

how it feels oh my God and I was like whoa that's awful so we didn't do it again wow no she did that just to show you wow she didn't know yeah she that's a way to show you and it hurt right you go right anyone goes right in like that way I heard like oh dude that's a good story and then is that what turned you into sex doctor like I don't want to get this right I don't want to finger up my ass when I don't know um okay so let's talk about how to prep what you say did you fake out with her that's kind of killer like that's just like that's like a drunken thing she was like in the shower premeditated like I'm gonna sit this finger in your butt wow yeah so how would you know yeah guys don't think about that and women we don't know we don't know but that's what we're

to tell everyone but it taught me a lot and like she wasn't able to communicate that it was painful and I wasn't able to ask those questions right we've all been there that was like our non use of words to say this hurts and let's like take a break let's not Because you kept trying. Yeah. You're like, I didn't know it was painful. It's funny that when we, I mean, I've been there too. Things have hurt and like, you know, it's okay.

You know, we're in pain. But that's why you should always speak up if you're in pain and we're not in pain. You should speak up about everything about sex, which is what we talk a lot about in the show. So let's talk about the preparation, getting ready for anal sex. So people are like, is it dirty? Like, how do I wash that area? Do I need to, you know, do an enema, like clear the runway? Like, what do you recommend?

Like, I say you could do an enema if you wanted to. But it's not necessary. You know, it's almost like some people say, well, I have to have a partner who takes a shower before we have sex. And some people are like, I don't really care. Like, I like the way you smell. And, you know, it's a little bit of the day has gone by. Like, I'm okay with it. So everybody's got their own sort of hygienic needs.

That's true. But it should be talked about. We should get to know our partner's hygiene needs. And if playing in the anus or playing in the rectum is part of like your desires, you want to bring that up and just find out like where how far should we go? Because we can make it squeaky, squeaky clean or we can just sort of rock. ride the wave of in the moment and just acknowledge that it might get a little dirty, it might get a little messy, but that could be okay.

Right, because sex is messy. Sex can be messy. It's okay, but, you know, if you just want to do the basics, you can just shower, clean your dynolos beforehand. Use non-irritating soap. Stick a little finger inside. Rinse, you know, just do that. So I don't think that you,

yeah, exactly. Case by case basis, decide how you feel about it and stick up for that. Safety first, condoms. and very important. Clean and trim. Hernandez, you let me know that you trimmed your fingernails.

Keith, I think you thought we were having, you know, I didn't know if this was being experiential. Right, maybe. We just started, so we'll see. So clean and trim fingernails, very important, because we always think you should start

with the finger. Yeah, and one mistake I made today is I didn't file my nails. I know, dude, I'm sorry. I was going to do it, but you didn't file. Damn you! Our most important starring role is Loub.

Yes. Besides your finger, penis, or toys. Loub, it makes any sexual experience more pleasurable. I just, you know how I feel about lube, the wider, the better. And the anal can now not self-lubricating. Like the vagina can self-will self-lubricate, the anus will not. Like you, like non-negotiable, you need lube during sex. But which lube is the best?

You know, I found out how dry it was back in college, and I never forgot that. Never forgot it. And we've got, I think, you and I were having a great discussion earlier about what can we do to help line that rectum? Yes, let's talk about it. Want to talk about that? Yeah. Yeah, you show me some cool.

Hernandez. Oh my God. We took some videos. I'm going to save the ones on Snapchat, but like he came in here with a huge box of sex toys of butt plugs. And he was like, what did you say? You're like,

what if I got hit walking across the street and butt plugs went like flying cross Anamorphic Boulevard? And that would be hilarious. All over Halloween. I would have saved you. I would have come to save you, but then I would have just had to take pictures

of the butt plugs. But you brought some cool stuff. Should we talk about some of the stuff happening with Lou? Sure, sure. You know, so as you were saying, you know, the rectum doesn't self-lubricate like the vagina does. So we've got to take into consideration that the inside of the, of, during anal sex,

of the rectum is totally dry, and that's where a lot of pain comes from people. So what are we going to do about that? You know, sometimes something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of people will do. And it's one way to try to lubricate the rectum, but it actually sometimes works against us or it doesn't work very well. And what I mean by that is imagine the person putting all this lubrication on the penis, you know, or on the dildo or the toy, and they're going to have anal. and they just like sort of insert it.

And the anus itself, because it's closed and tight, actually it like squeegees a lot of that lube off. Right. So you're kind of inserting inside with very little lube. Right. But you think you put a lot of loob on. Right, because you did. And it's all on the outside or most of it.

Right. So now we have what? We have the lube shooter. Lobe shooter. Do you recommend the loop shooter? I love them. I think they're really valuable, but it's not very sexy,

especially if it's like a hookup or someone you're just sort of getting intimate with. It literally looks like a water gun, but you shoot the, or like a shot. Like a syringe. Like a syringe, right. You fill it up with lube and you sort of insert gently. Shoot your butt. Right. Shoot inside.

Okay. But they have these new products. They have these new like a gel sort of silicone capsules that you insert inside of the rectum. And they actually dissolve. It takes about 15 to 30 minutes and it dissolves. Just keeps dissolving in the along. That's really brilliant. It's like a lube suppository.

I think it's brilliant. You could use it for vaginal, but I think it's really beneficial for. You could use it for vaginal as well. Obviously, yeah. That makes sense too. Because it's true. Yeah. Yeah, the loop, you got to always, you got to reapply. Don't be ashamed to reapply.

Loop on every nightstand. Emily, what do you think about water-based versus silicon? For anal or for anything in life? I like them both. It depends what I'm doing. I like hybrid, too. But I like, I like silicone if you're using, like, skin condoms, which are polys supreme. You don't have to worry about it as much. Silicon lasts longer. It's slippier, slippier, slippier, slippy. Is it slippy?

Slippy. Is it slippy? And, last longer. And, you know, it could be a little. harder to clean up, but I like it for anal. Yeah. But yeah, what about you? I like silico for anal for sure because it definitely, because the water based absorbs more in the rectum because it is a water absorption canal. So it will run out over time.

So if you are a person who lasts longer or if it's kind of like, you know, it could dry up a little bit inside there, whereas the silicone would last a bit more. Personally, I've always liked a combination of different ones, but I'm kind of on this wicked ultra kick. That's my favorite lube right now for anal and then if a partner is comfortable with vaginal silicone use, I like Uber lube these days. Yeah, I like

Uber lube. I like Joe lube. I like Joe. They make a bunch of different kinds of. Yeah, it's great lute too. Yeah, like hybrids. Oh my God, they send us so much loom. I'm going to send you home with some lube. I appreciate that. Thank you. And about plug. Oh, we did. We gave you the black pearl. Yes. The VipRex, yeah. So you're going to try that tonight. I'm going to be your call. Thank you, Dr. Chavez.

This was amazing having you here. This is so fun. Do you have fun time? Always. Okay, good. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your

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