Sex With Emily - The Breakup Bounce Back

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

Breakups completely, fundamentally suck – full stop. Especially if you’re still connected to the person: you still live together, you share friends, or…you can’t stop fantasizing about them sexually. And that’s because breakups function exactly like withdrawal: this other person was a drug of sorts, and now, you can’t get your hit. But breakups also teach us a lot about ourselves, especially if that person was annoyingly awesome in bed. So in this episode, we’re looking at the psychology of breakups, empowering ways to cope and move on, and most importantly, how to keep nurturing your sexuality while you heal. Plus, I take your questions! How to move on from a hookup partner who’s not ready for a relationship, what it means when you’re sexting with an ex, how to do the friendship custody battle after a breakup, and how to break up when you know it’s the right thing to do…but you’re terrified to do it. Show Notes:7 Steps to Breakup Recovery PodcastMore About EMDR TherapyThe Yes No Maybe List  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Create some sexual fantasies that can really go the distance that you can carry into your next relationship with your new lover. Because this in no way is your subconscious telling you that go back to the X, you didn't realize that they were such a hot lover. No, none of that is true. None of that is true at all. Just your brain. Our subconscious often does this.

It just sort of scrambles things together that aren't very helpful and don't make a lot of sense. But what does make sense here is that you are a sexual being who wants to have a new hot sex life in the future. So, journal about this experience. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Breakups completely and fundamentally suck. Full stop. They just do, especially if you're still connected to the person.

You still live together, you still share friends, or you can't stop fantasizing about them sexually. And that's because breakups function exactly like withdrawal. This other person was a drug of sorts, and now you just can't get your hit. You can't get your fix. But breakups also teaches a lot about ourselves, especially if that person was annoyingly awesome in bed. So this episode, we're looking at the psychology of breakups, empowering ways to cope and

just move on, and most importantly, how to keep nurturing your sexuality while you heal. Plus, I take your questions like, how to move on from a hook-up partner who's not ready for relationship. What it means when you're sexting with an ex, how to do the friendship custody battle after breakup, and how to break up when you know it's the right thing to do, but oh, you're so terrified to do it. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, I want to start by setting an intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do the same.

So when you're listening, how could this episode help you? Well, my intention is to help you support your sexuality after a breakup, even if you're no longer with the person you're having sex with. After a split, your job is to build new neural pathways to pleasure. And in this episode, we're going to help you do exactly that. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily, I love him, but I'm not hot for him, is up at SexWithEmily.com.

Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily or just call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh, you can also change your name or choose to remain anonymous. We're cool with that. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. Alright, we've talked about breakup recovery before. But in today's episode, I want to take a look at the psychology of breakups to give you a deeper understanding of what's happening to your brain in the aftermath.

But even more importantly, I want to set you up for success in your next relationship and get you out of the mind frame of, I will never find a person as amazing as that ever again. I should probably get back together with them. What did I do wrong? Do you ever do that? I remember every time I broke up with somebody, I think, oh God, I will never find someone like this again. Well, I'm here to tell you that you will. I promise you. Oh, finally, I want to un-couple two key concepts as you're going through this process.

That is your ex and your sexuality. They're separate. So let's unpack these things a bit. Number one, the psychology of breakups. You know, we call it a broken heart. My heart is broken. And when really it should be called a broken brain. And here's why. You know when you're falling in love and you're starting a new relationship and it's at a honeymoon phase and everything is so exciting, we release all those feel good hormones. It's dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin.

Those are happy chemical cocktails. And in fact, they look at the brain wave patterns of people falling in love and it's the same as people on cocaine. It is literally a drug. So guess what happens when we break up? Well, when we break up, our brains lose

those regular supply of those neurotransmitters. And then we go into withdrawal. It's a neurological withdrawal. And the deficit in those chemicals can make us feel anxious, it can make us feel depressed, it can make us feel isolated. All I want is my ex back, no matter how toxic, how terrible, how bad day I wanted this breakup. It's the only thing that's going to make me feel better right now. Right? Well, in this state, our brains are desperate. Our desperate to replace those chemicals by any means necessary. And how we choose to replace them determines whether we have a healthy breakup or prolong

our misery, which is why sometimes in a breakup, again, we're thinking, I got to get back to my ex or we're thinking, I got to get under to get over, I got to have sex with someone else or I got to drink a lot. I should drink a lot to get those like feel good chemicals in my brain. And we kind of engage in a lot of unhealthy behaviors. We just engage in activities that aren't great for us because you want the short term relief to get new stimuli coming in That stimulates the reward centers in our brain much like our acts did Well, we're really close in relationships like we're in a really deep intimate relationship

Ourself becomes an intertwined with our partners So you know, we might think of our romantic partner as a part of ourselves And we might even confuse our traits with their traits and our memories with their memories and our identity with their identity. And so, one of the great things about being in a relationship is that it can't expand our sense of self. We have new activities, new friends. We create a life with somebody.

These person is a part of us. They're like, they're a part of who you are. Essentially, they did become a part of us. They're like, they're a part of who you are, essentially, they did become a part of you. But then when the relationship ends, when we lose this partner, we might really feel a loss of ourselves. And that's true for people who are really in mesh in a relationship or codependent. And the emeshment happens on emotional level where we're feeling their emotions. We feel they're everything. and it becomes escalated during all emotional activities. It's just like we are so enmeshed. And so that's what I'm talking

about here. But it can happen in very extreme cases or mild cases. You just might feel very connected to our partner. We don't have to label it with codependency or enmeshment, but we're just talking about this kind of connection where yourselves are in a twine. And in fact, there was a study that showed, after reflecting on a breakup, people used fewer unique words to describe themselves when writing a short self-description. And the more people felt themselves grow during a relationship,

the more they were likely to experience a blow to their self-image after the breakup. So you're losing this part of yourself that you essentially are thinking you're losing a part of yourself, and it just is gonna have a bigger blow because you're like, well, who am I? And the people also showed in the study that they had more prolonged distress after a romance ended when it caused their self-immun to change for the worse. So it's kind of like this rejection brought them to their knees and it really revealed what they thought was this negative truth about themself and it becomes they just start to like have this self-loathing and this is why it's really critical not to confuse or conflate rejection

of any kind with your identity. So don't think of yourself as someone who should be rejected because you are flawed and we do that all the time. We don't think of yourself as someone who should be rejected because you are flawed. And we do that all the time. We don't get picked to go to someone's party. We're rejected for something at work or we're rejected, you know, fourth grade. We don't get picked for the baseball team. Like, rejection is heavy, right?

But no matter where you're getting rejected, you have to remember this. It is not about you. It is not your identity. You are not bad. Something happened that hurt, getting rejected is painful, but it doesn't mean that you are bad, and that you're not right for every situation.

It just means for this particular isolated case, this person, and you were not a good match. You weren't right together. But it's really easy, given certain personality types, to kind of go down this spiral that you are bad, you are not lovable. And I think the more we can understand this, the more protected will be in our next break up. Okay, the next thing is learn your lessons, but please don't self sabotage. So we're talking about this trap, right, that you can fall into.

The loss of a partner can make it easy to fall into the self deprecating trap. Well, I really was too much. I wasn't exciting enough. I wasn't attractive enough. And then we talked about all the things we did wrong. Oh, that one time I was late, it's probably because of that or I didn't dress sexy enough or I wasn't nice enough to their mother or they did ask me to cook dinner more. And I didn't. And so that's why I think it's really important to reflect on what you learn from a relationship. This is by journaling after asked me to cook dinner more and I didn't. And so that's why I think it's really important to reflect on what you learn from a relationship. This is why journaling after relationship is so important to not blame yourself, but to write,

what did I learn in this relationship? What could I learn going forward? I remember I had a partner who said to me once, like you never made an effort, I made all the efforts. I was always buying you presents and making all the plans and doing all the things and you were just too busy with work. Actually, now I think about it. That was a theme in a lot of my relationships. But what I learned from that is I'm so conscious now when I'm

with somebody of making sure that I'm equally making plans. I am not working all the time more together. I'm not talking about work all the time. In fact, I am prioritizing the relationship in my life. I'm looking at overall important part of my life and not just like this throwaway thing or in the past. I didn't know how to run a business and be in love. I just was like, if you're in my life, you better like be ready along for the ride because work comes first. And I've decided that work is very important, but I also want to prioritize relationships.

I had to learn that from several partners telling me that and realizing that I was as different part in my life. So all I'm saying is you have to reflect on what you learn. And this is where therapy can be really, really useful to help you understand where negative patterns emerge and also help keep you in a growth mindset around sex. It's not because of the relationship that you're feeling this way. It's not because of this person's person pointed out. This might be a pattern in your life. There might be things to learn, but it has nothing to do about the partner.

And having a growth mindset means that you're willing to grow in every era of your life. In relationships. You know, if you leave a job, you leave a home, you leave a friend. These are all areas to grow and not to beat yourself up. And I think that people get dumped. They start thinking that they have these very fixed traits that are undesirable. Well, no one's going to love me again because this person dumped me.

No one's going to love me again because I'm always late. No one's going to love me again because I didn't prioritize sex in this past relationship, but I'm never going to learn how to prioritize sex in New Relation. I mean, none of that is true. Every moment has a new moment to start again. The past is the past. The future is unwritten, but the present moment, you are in charge of that. And you're in charge of figuring out what you want in the future, what you can have

in the future because anything is possible from a present standpoint, right? In this moment, healing is available to everybody who seeks it. Your past and your relationship problems are all opportunities for growth, especially if we view them as lessons. Have you ever heard that saying there's no failures, there's only lessons, there's no mistakes, only lessons? It's true, it is a lesson. So now what really happens, I'm like, where is the lesson? And this happens to be all the time, not even just relationships, but in life. You know, why was I late to this thing?

Why did I miss this deadline? Why all these things I do? And I'm like, what can I learn? And I, this has been a practice. I've had to learn this. What can I learn from this? What is the lesson that I need to learn now? And sometimes it's really hard because the older you get,

you kind of do these things a lot. Like there'll be something you'll make that mistake like 12 times. You'll make the same, that's not our relationships, but there'll be things that you do so often that you just get sick of yourself. You're like, I cannot bear this happening one more time. And that's sometimes when the change happens. But I'm hoping for you, it happens right now,

it happens today, and you start tracking where you want to be in your next relationship. Write that down right now, pull out a journal and say, where do I want to be in my next relationship? What's important to me? How am I feeling in your next relationship. Write that down right now, pull out a journal and say, we don't want to be in my next relationship. What's important to me? How am I feeling in my next relationship? How are we showing up for each other? And then write the positive of it.

Here's the other thing you do with this journaling is that you can write down all these negative and limiting beliefs. I'm not going to find love, or I'm a bad person, or I'm not good at sex, or all the things. But I want you to also do another column and flip the positive. What's the reverse of that? I am a embodied sexual being who loves sex in my next relationship.

I initiate sex all the time. I am someone who prioritizes happy, healthy relationships. Just flip it and do the positive. You're going to do the negative. You got to do the positive. At least promise me that. The next point here before I get into your questions, do you miss your ex or do you miss your sexuality? Well, a lot of times, I think we just miss our sexuality. It's very easy to confuse missing a person with missing having sex, especially if the sex was fantastic. And great sex also takes on this mystical quality.

Well, we must have been meant to be. This is probably the last person they can do it. Our hands were touched by God. It was our soul for connection. The connection was so powerful. But another way to frame it is this. Check this out. Try this on.

Maybe they were my teacher who came around to show me my sexual potential. I'm going to say that again. Maybe this person, this ex, maybe they were my teacher who came around to show me my sexual potential. Now, I believe that about every sexual scenario to be honest, I know enough about sex to know that it's not about my partner. Although I'm having great sex with the partner, it's not about them. Perse. I mean, yes, you have to be someone who has a growth mindset who's open and who's willing to learn and who's willing to be vulnerable.

Those are the things that you need to partner, but it's never about their penis or their vulva. It's never about their past education around sex. Perse, if they are open and they're present and they're willing to learn, you can have great sex with many, many people. As long as you prioritize, somebody who has a growth mindset around sex, somebody who's empathic, somebody who pays attention and somebody who cares, right? So maybe they were your teacher who were showing your sexual potential. All right. Also, if you are kind of confusing your sex life with a missing person, this is an ideal

time to buy yourself a sex toy. If you never had one, make it a point to masturbate regularly and also buy some lube because they go hand in hand. Make it time to figure out who you are with a sexual being. Because if you're also thinking about your ex all the time and every time you go to masturbator every time you think about sex, you think about your ex, you have to take matters into your own hand right now and start to replace that. Let's say you had sex with this person a hundred times, we'll have sex with yourself a hundred

times. You raised this person and I raised them because they're part of your life, but start to replace your sexual energy, which is made you are providing with your own hands, your own rich fantasy life, your own mindfulness. That's really important to keep your sexual energy flowing and make sure that it is a way from your partner and the sexual energy is going towards yourself. Maybe it's time to find a consensual friends

with benefit or other transparent rebound. This isn't for everybody. An FWB is not for everybody or having sex right away, some people like to wait a while. But if you're very clear about your intentions, and you think, I just want to kind of have sex with somebody who makes me feel good. I want to learn a little bit more

about my sexual energy. And you let this person know that you've got out of a relationship and you're not looking for another one. You know, maybe you'll start to feel new physical sensations, build new neuro pathways to pleasure, which is what I'm all about And finally if you need an immediate first aid kit for breakups right now You're like fine fine fine. Thank you the psychology, but I can't get out of bed I can't stop crying and I miserable and I want to go slash my exes tires

Well check out my episode from last year seven steps to break up recovery That includes some very practical tips for you. What you can do right now, and we'll also link that in the show notes this episode right now to heal today. All right guys, you got this on to your questions. This is from Alex 19 in New York City. Hey Dr. Emily, your podcast has been so helpful to me. No one has been able to give me a great answer but I think you can. A couple of months ago I started sleeping with someone about 10 years older than me who's really experienced. Our sex was the best I've ever had. And our connection was amazing. What I loved about it so much is it was very intimate

and it always felt like our souls were really connecting during the act. Even though we were just hooking up, I caught feelings for him. We decided to end it because he's not in the place to be in a relationship. My question is, what is the best way to move on from him without sleeping with someone else? Also, I missed the feeling of connecting with someone during sex. How can I get a similar feeling when I masturbate?

Thank you so much. All right, thank you so much for your insightful question, Alex. I love that you just want to move on from it. You know it wasn't right. You're not looking to replace it with somebody else. You actually want to know genuinely how to heal from a relationship in a really healthy way, which I just want to commend you for that. I want you to remember that the sex with him wasn't necessarily about him. Remember that he was a teacher. Essentially, he showed up and showed you

what was possible, like what you will feel in the future with a partner, which is possible to feel with a partner. And I love that it's such a young age, you were able to truly and deeply feel this so-full connection, because it is rare to feel this way. But again, rarely about the other person, you felt safe enough, you were able to show up with this person who's 10 years older than you, and really let go and experiencing something new in your

body and sexually and with somebody else, I just want to commend you for that. One of the best ways to move past it and to really start to feel more connected is to honestly connect with yourself. So practicing some mindful masturbation and rewiring those neural pathways in your brain away from this lover and towards yourself would be the first step. And so learning to mindfully masturbate is more about setting aside a time where you're just focusing on yourself, you're not fantasizing, you're not thinking about your acts, you're not watching porn, but you're really focusing on the sensations in your body in a very mindful way. And you don't go right for your clitoris or your vulva, you really just start to touch

yourself with your hands and start to feel like what it feels like to be touched, to be loved by your own hands. And to get curious about the sensations in your body, I mean, I'm telling you, this exercise of just maybe taking your right hand and touching your left inner elbow, I'm actually gonna ask everyone to do that right now. Just take your pads of your fingers and your right hand and take it and drag it over your left inner elbow slowly.

That can feel kinda good, right? You close your eyes, you're like, oh, I didn't know that, that felt good. It's a very sensitive part of the body, actually. The part below our elbow. And so you can feel that way in your body touching yourself, but a lot of us have these expectations, like, oh, I should have a crazy orgasm right now.

When am I going to get to the good stuff? But that is part of it realizing that we have the power and we have this ability to deeply, truly connect to ourselves. So when you're masturbating, you know, really focus on deep breathing. And when your mind wanders, make the breath even deeper. Focus on your inhales and your exels. In fact, the exhale do a lot to kind of calm us

and ground us in our body. That's the kind of masturbation and start to think about, how can you give yourself that same kind of pleasure? It's not gonna be deep soulful, and I'm not asking you to stare into your own eyes, although that's actually something that eventually you might wanna do.

It's actually really hot to look at yourself in the mirror when you're touching yourself. Then you'll start to be more connected with your sexuality that was brought on by you and that this other lover. And remember, it's important to journal, I think that journaling is a huge part of getting through a breakup and learning what we actually like and what we don't like when we want for our future.

So write out your intentions. Like, write about what you want in your next partner, what you learned from this partner, you know, what you really want going forward. And again, I want to tell this to everyone going through a breakup. When we write down what we didn't want because we tend to glorify our past and we think about what do I want in the future? How do I want to feel with someone? What do I want to be doing with them? What are we going to do on the weekends? What are they going to say to me that's going to make me feel good? And you really start to go deep into this experience of someone new, even if they haven't showed up in your life yet.

It's very, very powerful, because then when you start dating again and you start actually meeting that person, you're going to know this is my person, more so than the person who is sort of toxic or dismissive or doesn't make you feel good. Because you already know through your own sense of touch, through visualizing how someone else could feel, it's all going to click into place. It's going to be a lot easier to find healthier partners in the future than ones that are less. So thank you so much for your question Alex, I appreciate it. Okay, this is from Christine 25 in Ohio.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been sexting my ex for a year. I'm fine with our situation as is, but if he wanted to get back together, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. How do I protect myself from future heartbreak and keep it purely sexual? Christine! Okay, thanks for your email. God, this is so common, I think, right? We haven't met anyone else new. We still are sexting with our acts. And we think, well, why not get back together with them? And it's the last person that you were connected with and you're still connected with.

It's really hard to move on from an X when we're sexting or having sex with them. And in fact, if there's something I like to call you fork recall, and we put our Xs on a pedestal, and we just remember all the wonderful things they did. In fact, right now, you're just remembering the sex. Maybe the sex was great with him, but remember he's also your ex for a reason. There is a reason you broke up with him. Now, I don't know why you broke up. Only you do, but I'd love you to kind of write down all the

reasons why you broke up if you haven't done that yet. It's really important to have those notes to go back to when we do this before recall. but this is a long time to be in limbo without anything else, without seeing him, and you say you're fine with the situation as it is, but for a year is a long time, and I'm wondering, what are you looking for in a relationship? Because even if you're just keeping this sexual, your question is, how do I protect myself

from future heart breaking, keep it sexual? I don't think you can. I think it's really hard to move on from somebody and then just say we're out of a sudden, just gonna change the relationship. Because when we end a relationship, and you wanna say friends, for example, you need at least six to 12 months

with no contact with that person, unfollowing them on Instagram, unfollowing all their friends, not talking to them, dating other people, seeing other, seeing friends, coming up with new habits, throwing away everything in your life that reminded you of them. I mean, there's a lot to do until you can rebuild a relationship with someone to make it new. You're not there yet because essentially you broke up, but you are continuing to be connected to them in a way that all these feel good hormones are firing in your brain, so you're still very, very much connected to him. If it's sex thing that you want, find a new partner to sex with.

You could start swiping on apps right now, and in an hour from now, find someone to sex with, okay? So I think that it's giving you this false sense of connection with somebody that feels familiar, with somebody that you knew and that you were into, and it's not allowing you to feel that urgency or that need to even move on. And I think it is time. And I also feel like this is confusing, Christian, because you're saying that you're fine with the situation of sexting. You do want to get back together. You'd say, yes, in a heartbeat. You don't want to have a heart break in the future. So you just

want to keep it sexual. And I don't think that any of those scenarios are going to work for you. I think you ought to end this right now. I think it's a long time coming, and I think you need to just stop sexting him. And you can call him. I don't think you have to be harsh, but just say, I really feel like I still have a connection with you. The sexting is keeping it alive.

There's a reason we broke up, but I think it's time to move on. Now, maybe in the future, you can get back together, but you can't do it without having a break. And again, I don't know why you broke up, but there was a reason you broke up. And if you're living in the state of just remembering all the good things, it is time to move on. And it's keeping you from meeting other people. You listen, every time we talk to an ex, we go on a date with an ex, or you hook up with an ex,

that is time that you're putting out there in the world that is shut down for other people. Nobody else can come in because you're not looking for anyone else. You're not thinking about it anymore. They're filling up that time and space. We only have enough, we only have limited amount of time on the planet. And if you want to think about it, limited time to meet people, because we're busy, we're working, we're with friends, you're spending all of your free time that could be spent finding someone new, thinking about the acts, obsessing about the acts, sexting with them, but actually not having a real relationship. So you're in this weird messy limbo where you've got one foot in, one foot out, and you're not able to really work on

yourself and be free. And Christine, I think it's time I as hard it is to get over break up for all the reasons we've talked about. Because you literally might be addicted to him. You might be connected to him. He's the last person you felt this way about. But I think it's just time to do all the things that you need to do. Get the people in place, the friends in place, and make your move. Because you're just setting yourself up for a failure, I think, in the future. The more time you spend with him, the less likely you're going to be able to move on. And this has already extended your relationship by year, by all intents and purposes it should be over. And I also think you guys, I'm going to say it. I haven't said it in a while,

but your twenties are a time for exploring yourself, figuring out who you are, as an adult, who you are as a sexual being, finding out what kind of people you wanna be within your life, who you want in long-term partners. And right now, by staying with this person at 25, you're not getting any new information. You're kinda stuck in the past, reworking some sexual situations on text,

and it's just not serving you. Okay, Christine? So I really hope you can take this message and start to move on and break this in a very clean and healthy way so we can look towards your healthy sexual future. Thanks, Christine. We're gonna take a quick break, but stick around, don't go away.

After we're four sponsors, I'll be answering email from Mary who's about to break up with her partner. This is from Mary 25 in New York. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been my boyfriend for a little over a year. The relationship started off fiery. I really enjoyed sex for the majority of the time, until recently, I feel a relationship is unhealthy because of how co-dependent we are

and all the fights we've got into over the last months have brought me to the point of knowing I wanna break up. But being afraid to because, well, one, I'm scared of being alone in the weeks following, and two, I'm afraid to actually break up in person. I broke up with my ex overtaxed like a coward. We have a significant age gap and I feel like I'm missing out on my 20s

and find myself craving other men. Do you have any tips for breaking up with someone when you're terrified to have the conversation and when the person on the receiving end doesn't see it coming? This has been on my mind for a while and I really appreciate your help. Your show is the best.

All right, very first, I wanna say that you are not alone here. Breaking up with someone is really, really scary. And what a lot of us tend to do, especially in our 20s when we're dating, maybe people do this all the time, is that we tend to stay a lot longer in the relationship. In fact, in my 20s, I say, but I have my relationships trying to get out of them because I was so afraid of breaking up. I wasn't sure what the right thing to do. And then I was like, realize that I pretty much knew

half with you the relationship it was over and I would talk myself into it. And part of it was, yeah, being afraid to have the conversation and I was making the wrong decision. But this is also a skill set. Like many things I talk about in the show, you just haven't done it yet.

But I love your self-awareness. I love that you know that it's something that you avoided that it's something that you avoided in the past and you don't want to do it again in the future. So first, let me cover your question about how to break up in person. Well, I would first start to mention it.

I don't think that I would be out of the blue, say, okay, we've been together for a year and let's talk, let's break it up. I mean, you could do it that way. But my recommendation is to start talking to them about this feeling because it might happen in one felt swoop, but to say, I need to talk to you about something and I would do this in person. The next time you guys are at dinner or hanging out and

just say, I really need to talk to you. Mary, this is going to be hard. I promise it is. It's going to be challenging. But you take a few deep breaths and you say, I really want to talk to you. And then say, I have been feeling lately like I want to talk to you about our relationship. I love so many things about you. You can do the compliment sandwich and talk about all things you love about it. And I've been starting to have feelings

that I'm 25 years old. I haven't had a lot of time on my own and it's just been coming up for me. And he might say to you, so you want to break up or you don't love me. And to say, I'm bringing this up right now. I'm nervous to bring this up. I really love all these things about our relationship,

but I have to be honest with you. And it doesn't feel fair to you or me to not share where I'm at right now. And I'm not necessarily saying that I want to break up. I'm saying I want to start to have a conversation about it. Again, that could escalate in no time. You might hear things that make you feel differently. I don't know what's going to happen.

But this is a really important fear for you to start to move through, because this fear of talking to them also means that you might have a fear of confrontation and other areas of your life. That's again something that is important to work on. This conversation with him and this breakup with him, however you do it is going to be a really meaningful turning point in your life. I can just feel it because I know that you want that. And again, I know that you're so self-aware and it feels really unhealthy. And I would not get into the codependency

and how healthy he's going to say to you why, why, why, why? You see, and I think it's important you say, I just feel like I need to have more alone time. I feel like we're spending a lot of time together. I feel like I'm losing a sense of myself. And this is something that I need for my own personal growth. Essentially, this is why that phrase, it's not you, it's me, get so much play because it's a lot healthier to make it about yourself than

start blaming your partner. Because if you start bringing up these issues in your relationship, it's going to quickly devolve into a dissection of your relationship. And he said she said in a fighting and you do not want that at all. So I would understand that there is a lot of guilt around breakups. And it's very, very common to feel like you're going to hurt them or you're going to hurt yourself. There's never a perfect time to break up. You can follow my three T's of communication, which I sort of alluded to here, which is

timing, turf, and tone. You want to keep the conversation at a good time when you guys are in a good place and you're hanging out, it's not too stressful. Your tone is light and it's curious and it's like, let's talk about our relationship. I mean, it might not feel so light right now, but it's definitely curious. Your tone is not judgmental,

your tone is not criticizing. And then the surface outside the bedroom, you definitely don't wanna do it after sex. Definitely avoid blaming and focusing on what your partner has done wrong. And there are gonna be some intense intense emotions breaking up is a process. And I think it's probably going to take place over several conversations and remind yourself this, if the guilt keeps creeping in or he keeps, if he's trying to get convinced you to

stay that breaking up with someone does not make you a bad person. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't owe him your whole life. You don't really owe him anything except a respect and a conversation about where you're at. Okay? I wish you the best of luck with this Mary and I want to hear how it goes and I'm going to be thinking about you and you can do this and it's going to feel much better once you just have the conversation. So let's not put it off and let's start doing it soon. Okay, we're here for you. I'm reading for you. Thank you for your question. I know it's also helped a lot of people in similar situations. This is from J25 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, three years ago, I was broken up with from a

three-year relationship that started in college. However, we ended up in a situation shift for three years after the original breakup and I've essentially broken up again for the third time in three years We have the same mutual friends and we see each other often. I don't want to give up my friends or want to pick sides What can I do to begin to move on while still retaining our mutual friendships? Well, the first thing is I think you just have to make effort towards these friends and let them know Point blank that the relationship is really important to you, that the friendship is important. And I think the more we call things out,

the elephant in the room as we call it and say, you know what, I really hope that we can say friends, even though I broke up with X. And it's really important to me that we maintain this friendship. And I, and I, you know how much respect I have for X. And I'm not asking you to pick sides. I don't want to put you in the middle. I just want you to know that I have for X. And I'm not asking you to pick sides. I don't wanna put you in the middle.

I just want you to know that I value our friendship and I know that we were all friends together but life is long and I feel like our friendship is worth going the distance. And so whatever it takes, know that I understand that you're still gonna be friends with X, but this is important to me. And I think letting people know that my heart

would be so warmed if someone said that to me that they really cared about our friendship and they were really gonna make an effort. And so I think letting people know that my heart would be so warmed if someone said that to me that they really cared about our friendship and they were really going to make an effort. And so I think it's also important to set boundaries, you know, with one another and with your friends and say, I don't necessarily need to hear how X is doing. And it's okay if you don't invite us both to the holiday party, but I just want you to know that I want to be in your life in a meaningful way. But again, you do not want to talk trash about your X. You don't want to ask people to pick sides and you want to keep showing up and in a meaningful way. But again, you do not want to talk to Ash about your acts. You don't want to ask people to pick sides and you want to keep showing up and being a

good friend. Remember, yes, you have history, which I love that you guys were on college together and those friendships can definitely go the distance, especially if we make efforts to keep them. So my closest friends are from college. Being a good friend means that you follow up with people often. You wish them a happy birthday. When you're together, you don't just talk about yourself. You listen. You check in. You remember things about them. And you're consistent. I think so much about deep friendships that have gone the distance or that you're consistent. Right? I mean,

yes, they're all those friends. You can just pick up where you left off. And that's actually a lot of college friends, right? You don't seem for years. You're like, oh, it's like we never left. That's a beauty of college, because you all got to be in this really incredible place together with that a lot of distractions of day-to-day life. And you really got to bond in ways. It's almost like people at war, when you're in college

or someone you're in the trenches together, fighting in the battle of almost adulting and all those things. But I think that just your intention and being honest about it is really the way to go. And I love the way you're thinking about this because it is important to maintain friendships. Now listen, I want to prepare you that there's some people

that will pick sides. They might just say, you know what? X said that we can't be friends anymore, and I knew X first. And then you're just gonna have to take their word for it and just say thank you for being honest with me and leave that space open for new friends. Remember, every time we lose someone in our life, we lose a friend, we lose a lover, we

break up with someone, there's this really incredible thing that happens. And that's why I'm also encouraging you all to get rid of the toxic X's because when we make space in our life for a new situation, whether it's a new person, a new lover, a new friend, a new job offer, a new opportunity. When we release something, the space opens up. It's really like the law of physics. Like you are releasing things in your universe, don't feel good, you will feel it with new stuff

and abundance. That's why holding onto clutter and other things in your life don't serve you, making space for what is and what's new and what's exciting will serve you. All right, thanks for your email, Jay. This is from Cat 33 in Connecticut. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've recently started a new relationship with fulfilling in a number of ways, including in the bedroom. However, I've recently been having difficulty achieving an orgasm. Even when I'm masturbating, it takes me slightly longer than usual. I'm finding that I can't get my ex's voice and memories from the past out of my head.

I was married for nearly four years to a man who ended up being a manipulative sociopath, not the person I thought he was. When I found all the truths about him, it was earth-shattering. I spent the last year doing a lot of work on myself and I had become the best version of myself thus far. At least I think so. In our sex life, my act was very dominant and used my past sexual trauma to his advantage. I became a commodity, his horror, his slut, and the girl who needed to be taught a lesson. At the time I thought it was sexy, but now looking back, I'm ashamed. Those words and those experiences

with abuse and rape were manipulated to his advantage. Fast forward to my current new relationship and I found a person I feel safe with. However, lately, when I'm being pleasure by my partner, which feels incredible, I feel I hit a wall because I'm taking a while and then I hear my ex's voice in my head. I may have a hard time rediscovering my sexual desires and separating the trauma I experienced at the hands of my ex's voice in my head. I may have a hard time rediscovering my sexual desires and separating

the trauma I experienced at the hands of my ex. I want to continue to build my sex life with my new partner and be able to have the orgasms I know I'm capable of having because I'm always so close. So how do I start my past from getting away of my present? Oh Kate, thank you so much for this very, very honest, real and powerful, powerful question and email. You've been through a lot and it would make sense that this ex's voice is still in your head and that you're still thinking about it. And I just want to say that you are so insightful already about this experience. And trauma bonding with someone is real. We call a bond for a reason.

It sounds to me like there's still some work to do around this trauma. So cleansing out the trauma, you will do this and you're already right on track. I'm wondering if you've done any trauma work, any therapy work. You know I'm a big fan of EMDR therapy, which is trauma therapy. You can find more at mdria.org, EMDRIA.org. It's a great organization for this very specific thing. Well, first with trauma, it gets wired into our brain, which your trauma already is. But now it's been wired sexually with a toxic partner. So it makes sense that you're going back to your most recent sexual experiences that did help you orgasm with this new partner.

But the thing about this trauma therapy that's amazing is that it really helps you rewire your brain around the trauma meaning. You won't have the same charges around certain things. You won't get stimulated, not sexually, but you won't get like emotionally stimulated in certain ways when this comes up because I'll bet there are other ways in your life right now that trauma's showing up that you might not even be aware of. And so I'd love you to to kind of take a look at this as well. So all that being said, I feel like it's important to with this new partner that you want to build a life with. Be honest and open with them. It sounds like you're with someone that you really, really trust right now, which I love

and they're very invested in your pleasure. So the more that you could sort of get even more intimate with them in the moment and let them know, well, outside the bedroom first, that this is what's happening with you and that you have this trauma, I think would be helpful, but I'd go to therapy first But you could also just let them know I would really love to work with you closer on My orgasms and in the moment because maybe they're just pleasureing you and it's more of a one-way street And so you're left in your head thinking like you're going back to the most recent memories of orgasm with the partner Which is with your toxic ex now people do this the time, even if their ex wasn't toxic, they think about the last

time they orgasm or how they always do it, which is why are we all falling to sexual patterns? Because if something worked, we just keep doing it. Like our entire life is essentially made up of patterns that we keep repeating over and over and over again. So it would make sense that with sex, you're doing the same thing. Although this is the voice of an ex that we don't want you to hear. What would be really fun is discovering your sexual desires with this partner. Because you're saying you're a hard time rediscovering them.

What if you build with this partner? Have you checked out something like our Yes, No, Maybe List? It's a free downloadable guide on our site that mentions all these sex acts. But the fun thing about the Yes, No, Maybe List is yes. It lists a bunch of like 80 acts, right? Like kissing or dirty talk or spanking. However, you are allowed to, when you take this test and you figure out

if it's a yes or a no or maybe, you're allowed to go line by line with your partner and say, oh, that's a yes, spankings a yes for you. Let's both get into what our perfect sexual spanking scenario looks like. Or let's get into dirty talk. Like you're allowed to break it out and spend more time with each topic on the list. So you guys can start to rebuild your

own sexual chemistry together, your own sex story. Because right now you're living in the past and this new partner is trying to place you from what they happen to know about you. But what I'm saying is getting deeper in the moment with them, building a new sex life with this partner, because you're hitting a wall and you're worried that it's taking a while. But with partners that are present with you along the journey, they're not necessarily thinking you're hitting a wall or taking too long because they're in it. So what I'm saying is you get to say to them, you know, outside the bedroom, talk about your sex life, say, I really want to build this with you and say to them, I love what you're doing. These are the things that I like that you're doing, but I find myself hitting a wall.

Could we try breathing together? Could we try when that's happening, looking to each other's eyes? Could we try shifting positions? Or I think it'd be really hot if I narrate to you what's happening in the moment. Like, right now your finger is rubbing my clitoris and look at it swelling. That feels really good. Oh right now I'm turning to block myself. Can you bring me back to the moment? Maybe your partner starts making out with you and that pulls you out of the past moment. So I think a lot of this is about presence. Your question is how do I stop my past from getting in the way of my present? Be present with your partner

sexually. Be present and start to feel new things with this partner sexually. That is a great way to do it too. I'd love you to create a new sexual narrative with this new partner. And you might just need to get to know this partner sexually as well. And what does this new partner want?

What do they want? All you guys working together on creating a new narrative, that's what I want for you. And I want therapy for you, Kat too. And again, I'm creating a new narrative. That's what I want for you. And I want therapy for you, Cat, too. And again, I'm just gonna say this, the great thing about EMDR therapy is that it doesn't take years and years and years.

It's a therapy that it acts pretty quickly if you go regularly for at least a few months once a week. All right, Cat, thank you so much for sharing this. And I'm really feeling good about your future here, the new part of it's gonna help you rewire for a new sexual future. Thanks Kat. This is from Sarah 28 in Texas Hey, Dr. Emily my boyfriend of one year and I broke up about five months ago I've been so unhappy for some time and realized everything I was trying to up to stress and anxiety

Was really just be not being in love with him anymore. Although I miss him I've been very content with my decision and only wish him the best. But now, on a nowhere, I keep having sexy time dreams with them, and in the dreams, having mind blowing kinky sex, he's doing all the things I wish he had done in real life. Considering in reality, we had the most plain jane vanilla sex that was so dissatisfying, I ended up not wanting sex with him anymore. Towards the end of a relationship, having sex definitely felt like a chore, something I had the same level of excitement for is cleaning the bathroom or getting my taxes done. As a side note, we're together.

I did try to spice up our sexy time, but every time I want to try a new position or talk dirty to him, he just stare back with the most frightened, disgusted look. So I just stop trying. Okay, I know you're not a psychic who can decode dreams, but what the heck? Where is this coming from, all of a sudden? Five months after a breakup? It already sucks to see my dreams, but let's add insult to injury and make these mind-blowing sex dreams too.

To make matters worse, I find myself thinking about those dreams so the rest of the day I wonder how different our relationship may have been if this sex was better. Would I fall in love with him? Would I have been more willing to work on those things with him? If I finally was a freak in the sheets, would I go back? I know dreams are not reality. It's nice to think of the what ifs, but damn, I didn't even have dreams at this,

and we were dating, what gives? All right, great question here. You're funny, Sarah. Yeah, listen, let me tell you this. Dreaming about an X does not mean that you two should get back together, that means that this sex really could have happened, none of that. In fact, most dreams about an X aren't necessarily about the X. This is a dream about your sexuality and your future.

Not about your past with an X. I promise you. A lot of you don't even have dreams that are vivid. They definitely don't have sex dreams. So with your brain's doing it saying, okay, last person you had sex with, which is easy to do, it's not conjuring up some nameless places person, it was something that you were into with. And then what it's doing is it's showing you all these hot ways it sex is possible in your future. And so if you can somehow surgically remove the X from these dreams and when you're

fantasizing could you place someone else in there? This is where I want you to like fantasize. This is where I think fantasy is healthy. Could you somehow replace it with somebody that you're crushing on, somebody that you've known in the past that's a little bit healthier? Could you think about it that way and just chop your X out of it because it's not about them. Now I would also say up your

masturbation game. I would take some time connecting with yourself sexually and fantasizing about all these things happening with this new lover. In fact, the lover could be faceless. A lot of you have fantasies with faces lovers. So whatever turns you on, but to think about how you're feeling in the moment. And less about the other person, it's more about you. And in fact, there have been studies that have shown that when vulva owners masturbate, they tend to be the star of their own fantasies. It tends to be more about you or about us,

because I have a vulva than it is about anyone else. So, in your starring role, what are you feeling? What are you experiencing? Elaborate on the dreams. Make it 10 times even hotter. Create some sexual fantasies that can really go the distance that you can carry into your next relationship with your new lover. Because this in no way is your subconscious telling you that go back to the X.

You didn't realize that they were such a hot lover. No, none of that is true. None of that is true at all. Just your brain. Our subconscious often does this. It just sort of scrambles things together that aren't very helpful and don't make a lot of sense. But what does make sense here is that you are a sexual being who wants to have a new hot

sex life in your future. So journal about this experience. Master about this experience. Talk about this experience. Build on it. Read books about erotica. Listen to some of my old podcasts about some kinky or sex sex so you can start to just have a really full fortress built around your sex life. It doesn't include your ex. Thanks for email Sarah.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review or every listen to the podcast and share this That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship to call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739, a go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemlead.com