Sex With Emily - The Clit Notes

Episode Date: March 12, 2019

On today’s show, Emily’s giving you “the clit notes” on all things vulva! So if you’ve got one of your own or are really good friends with one, you’ll want to write a few things down. She gives you a crash course on the clitoris – how to touch it, how to love it, and how to understand it. Plus, she gives advice on what to do when you’re trying your hardest not to catch any feels, you’re married – but you’re starting to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side, and long-distance tips to keep the fire burning miles and miles away. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Hot Octopuss, ThirdLove, Karezza, SiriusXM, Adam & Eve Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm giving you the clit notes. Get it? Clitoris? I love that. On all things vulva. So if you've got one of your own or you're really good friends with one, you want to write a few things down.

And I'm answering your emails. Topics include the clitoris. How to touch it. How to love it. How to understand it. How to make friends with it. How to cuddle with it. Oh, we're going to get into it.

What to do when you're trying your hardest not to catch any feels. You're married, but you're starting to wonder. I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. You know that. And I got to tell you, when you get to the other side, you wonder if the grass is greener over there. It's a whole thing. And long distance tips to keep the fires burning miles and miles away. All this and more. Thanks for listening. We'll be right back. and he thinks you're kind of cute. A girl's got to have her standards. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean? Like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I feel so good. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out all the great posts and blogs and things we have on the site. Do you know about our site? It's there. It exists. So you can have better sex and relationships. All the reasons why you're listening. Plus, we love.

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us on all social media it's at sex with emily across the board all right this i am so excited for this show today welcome to the clit notes. Ta-da! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Thank you, Jamie! That was my horn. That was Jamie's. That was a good horn. Jamie, I'm finding out so many things. You know, you're never done learning.

I didn't know you could do a horn, and I didn't know you could draw clitoris from memory. Yeah. No, she drew a very detailed clitoris the other day. Speaking of clitoris, clitoris. She's a drawer. You draw. Okay, you guys, this show, here's why it's important.

Because even if you're like, I know my clitoris. It gets me off. It's, you know, I know what it does. I know how it feels. You know, it's like, it's how I have orgasms. There's a lot of people, though, a lot of you, including myself, when I started, I never thought to touch it. I didn't understand it.

So I think today, I know today's show is going to be helpful for women who might never really taken a gander. You haven't looked around. You don't really understand masturbation. You don't really know how to do it. And you kind of, maybe you do it, but you feel shame around it. So it's going to be helpful for those who already masturbate. And it's working for you. And it's good.

But you're like, you know what? I could probably take this up a notch. Emily says there's 8,000 nerve endings how do I know if I've tapped into all of them guess what you probably haven't also helpful for people who have partners that are women or vulva having partners how to touch them in different ways how to understand what the clitoris what the the vulva wants. You're not a mind reader. We're going to help you. So let's begin. All right, this is tutorial. I'm touching the clitoris, the vulva, exploring the body, all that stuff.

And I'm just going to go off. I mean, I have to assume maybe some of this is new. Maybe it's not. And I don't know. I need to hear things a few times. So I'm not mincing words here. Let's talk about the clitoris. It has 8,000 nerve endings.

And it's not just that little tiny bulb, that little tiny bump above your vaginal opening. It actually has legs that extend behind your labia. So you know your labia, it's like a wishbone, right? So picture your labia and then picture the little clitoris. That's what it is, like an upside down down v that whole thing is a clitoris plus there's internal clitoral nerves there's a lot and its only purpose on the planet is for female pleasure like there's literally men don't have something that's just for male pleasure like their penis is like for sperm and procreation and peeing and the prostate is for sperm and

yeah sperm and other like the prostate is for sperm it's important part of their pelvic floor functioning but it doesn't exist for pleasure which is why we need to talk all men into exploring it for women we just have this thing and there's no other purpose for pleasure but we don't often understand it we don't know how it works and we're gonna break down okay okay so let's start out we're gonna go over some masturbatory beginnings and why some of you might have shame around it so we were talking about this i was like how do i i mean you guys i could do i could do 85 podcasts right now just on your clitoris and masturbation and the g-spot and all that but we're i was like well why because I like I want to give people everything

and I thought because we all need to no one talks about it I okay so I never ever thought about it masturbation I didn't know what the clitoris was I didn't know anything because I never had an orgasm on my own I was never one of those like a lot of girls tell me that their first orgasm was when they were riding a bike or they were in the bathtub or they were you know rubbing up against their stuffed animal and they were like oh they were maybe five or seven or twelve and they're like oh my god it feels really good and then they're like oh instantly for many there's like shame or it's maybe like their mom caught a parent walked in and oh no, I just read a story about a mom who slapped her child. Anyway, it was dark.

Oh no. For masturbating. So like you guys, but you don't even remember these things. And at some point you were humping your pillow or you were using a faucet or you were squeezing your legs together really tight and you figured out they gave you pleasure. And you didn't understand it and you knew it felt good.

But then like one day maybe your mom walked in or your brother walked in and was like, what are you doing? Stop that. That's dirty. That's wrong. And then every time he did it, it instantly became shameful and private. And you still didn't understand it, though.

No one was like, oh, babe, no, listen, that's something for pleasure. Do it on your own. Do it in your bedroom, though. Like, then don't let anyone else do it for you until you're ready. It's yours. Have fun with it. you until you're ready it's yours have fun with it but like discretion do it you know what i'm saying but like yeah that's it it's like here's your how to use chopsticks your parents like hold them this way it takes you a few tries you like chopsticks took me a while to learn like how to hold them and stuff and then you go okay thanks

mom and dad are like here's how you ride a bike but they're clitoris they're like either they say nothing because my parents that no one talked to me about it or they're just like don't do that or whatever we figured out I don't know I was not like any of you I was 20 years old having sex with partners and I had to turn to my friends and say what the hell is this why is sex so great why does it feel good? Why is it interesting? And they're like, oh, don't you have orgasms? Don't you masturbate? I was like, no, I never even occurred to me to masturbate. And everyone, I don't even know what that means. And they're like, well, don't you have orgasms? I was like, I never have any of

those things. That sounds fun. So that sounds like I'm missing out. And then I had to go to work and do the work that we're going to explain here to figure out what made me feel good. And I've talked to a lot of younger women about this like oh no like 18 year olds 19 year olds gosh even my friends are my age they don't talk to anybody about it right especially when we're younger nobody talks about it clearly but guys we kind of know guys jack off there's like that scene in american pie was that like you know or whatever the apple pie and you're like oh boys put their penises and things and do stuff like they want to have they want to hump things like my dog does sometimes it was acceptable for guys to be perverts exactly but women we seem weird we're seen as perverts we

don't understand it when really talking about masturbation and exploring your body truly truly truly is the very best way that I know about as a doctor of sex of all my years of research and talking is the very best way to have the healthiest relationship possible with sex, with pleasure, with asking for what you want, with like knowing what you need.

Like that's another thing. Like a lot of times we don't even know what feels good to ourselves and then we expect our partners to figure it out so this is your fast track fast track to pleasure so here's how you start masturbating are you ready to get into there or yes should we keep going with my clitoris no i like this all right unless you want to talk more about your clitoris well like the thing is i think we covered covered shame. We covered trauma. Well, trauma is a whole other thing.

No, I'm just saying that like. Yeah, if you want to get into that. I mean, all I'm saying is I'm just trying to think of. Okay, because what I'm going to get into next is how to do it. Like how you're going to get comfortable with masturbation. And I got to say, and I'm going to be honest with you. I'm always learning new things about masturbation and i gotta say and i'm gonna be honest with you i'm always learning new things about masturbation and i've been masturbating for almost 30 years and you're never done

there's always something new to learn and it's it's like it's like exercise for your pleasure zone it's exercise for your i mean there are muscles there it's exercise for your, I mean, there are muscles there. It's exercise for your powers. It's like how you work everything else out. But this part that we don't even realize that it's controlling so much of our, our thoughts and our feelings and our emotions. And if we are not connected to our body, like I'm just trying, like if we're not connected to it and we walk around, like it's just some weird body part that we're ashamed of and we don't like the way it looks and a partner maybe shamed us about it at some point. We saw porn perhaps and we thought, well, mine doesn't look like the women in porn or

it doesn't look like my friend in the gym or it doesn't look or I've had a lot of kids. A lot of women we hear from are like, it's changed. And so therefore I hate it. Like a lot of we a lot of us women hate their bodies like it's changed and so therefore i hate it like a lot of we a lot of us women hate their bodies they don't even love their vagina or their vulva they've never even looked at it that's huge you guys i don't want to give you too much homework but i want you to take what you like here and leave the rest but i'm telling you a game changer it's closing the door locking it and take it out a mirror set the mood lean back take a look

and see what happens when you use some lube when you start to touch yourself and just like get curious about it because you think it's ugly and the only one you've ever seen was in porn are your friends and it's beautiful every single one's different it's like saying like watching a when you i don't know when you're watching a tv you're like why don't i look like anyone like it's beautiful. Every single one's different. It's like saying, like, watching a, I don't know, when you're watching a TV, you're like, why don't I look like anyone? Like, it's, it. Everyone's body, even elbows. Elbows, thank you. Our elbows are different.

Our noses are different. And if yours is like it, you know, just like the more you love it, the more it's gonna love you back. So I'm talking about getting familiar with it. And what's so cool about this is when you actually look at it in a chill way i'm not saying you need like a fucking stethoscope

a magnified put on your spectacles or you might i'm just saying look at it and get curious and be like oh interesting because i didn't realize that like that like everyone's different so it might be like for some women it helps to be around it's like under a little hood there's like a clitoral hood and once they get turned on the head the head rolls back and it reveals their clitoris and some some people some women's hood is a little is already out and some clitoris is just out all the time going ah hey here i am i have to coax it out sometimes you know and then once you get more aroused and turned on you if you're looking at it you'll start to see that it like kind of swells up like a bloom blossoms like a flower and it's like that's like the blood that starts to flow there so what i always say like when you're

in your head during sex and you're thinking thoughts the blood is going to your brain it's not going to your clitoris and so you're not turned on and in the mood yeah like thinking too much will actually like pull away from it it sucks that blood up to your brain and then your brain is like your blood is up there the brain going i hate my vulva i have an ugly body your brain is like a genital vampire it is a bam your brain is a genital vampire don't let it suck that blood bring it back down there to the energy okay so now that you're imagining the clitoris in every kind of way possible right i'm gonna go back to the minute it changes over time and gets aroused when you get more turned on which i'm going to explain in a moment but that's going to be an interesting note to take that when you're trying to get turned on or aroused on your own or with a partner, that it actually changes.

So when your partner, let's say you're with a man who doesn't have a vulva and he comes in with his penis quickly and hard and you're like, I didn't, I wasn't even ready. I didn't touch yet. It's not open and ready for business. It's still closed and swollen and not maybe lubricated yet. And it hurts and you're not aroused. Turned on. Okay. So for all these reasons, it's important to understand your power source.

The power of pleasure. All right. Let's start with setting the mood. Okay. All right. Let's start with setting the mood. Okay. So not,

you don't need a bunch of like bells and whistles and trapeze doors and vibrators. All you might want a vibrator and special lighting and music to get in the mood. But if you've never masturbated, I have to say it does help. So you want to be in a comfortable place. And if you have kids, like, you know, lock the door. Have a masturbation area that you have. Like, I have a full-on setup that I pull out my

towel. I pull out, like, I have my, like, masturbation towel. I have the few lubes I like. I make sure my toys are charged. But a lot of times they're not, even though it's my job. I'm like, goddammit, but you try to have a few. few. Have like a wipes. I love having wipes by my bed to wipe off my toy or my fingers right away. But just have something. And lock the door. Music. Whatever gets you relaxed. And I have to say that I think taking a bubble bath.

A bubble bath. If you haven't seen a bubble bath. If you have not seen big mouth on netflix it it it i'd explain james it'll change it it's really gonna it's sort of i feel like if i could have come up with that and the way they explained puberty education stuff that you it's it's brilliant it's hilarious whatever it. It's very brilliant. And she said, the hormone monster says, right.

So, take a, because here's the thing. Yeah. Why we're not masturbating, several reasons. We already laid out, we might not like our vagina.

We might also be anxious. We might be stressed. We might have fear, shame. We don't think we have time. When you change your state, like you're like, I'm going to take a bath. And maybe you already take baths, but get in the bath because you're going to be able to wipe off the day you're going to be able to relax leave your phone outside there and just even if it's for five minutes or

take a shower change your state when we change our state we get in the mood okay go into your bedroom light some candles i always light candles like for myself like i seduce myself when i masturbate because i like the scent i like the flickering of the light. I hate overhead lights. That makes me anxious. I don't mind not even getting dressed. I like the feel of fabric. I might leave some underwear on. I like lay down, make sure I'm comfortable or just freaking jump into it. That's fine too. You could do that, but make sure you're good. once it's set mood is set you're in your room you want to start exploring and just like we tell our partners or i would like you to tell them don't go right for your vulva this is like a date with yourself think about what this might help you

if you've ever had a passionate moment with a lover that you remember, a super moment where you're like, wow, that was so hot. I was so turned on. That was so sexy. Do that to yourself. So for me, like, and maybe for you, I love when a partner like takes his hand slowly and like rubs him over my chest and my breasts and my neck. He like, you guys, you know, the neck is like full of all these nerve endings and like grazes his fingers over my skin.

So do that to yourself. Take some lube or some woof, more play massage oil is amazing. It's coconut oil and like rub that down your neck, between your breasts, across your chest, like down your stomach and like tease yourself. Pay attention to your nipples. Like I didn't even know to explore my nipples that there was like actually a thing where you could have an orgasm from touching your nipples. Like I didn't even know to explore my nipples that there was like actually a thing where you could have an orgasm from touching your nipples. Women can have orgasms that way.

I didn't know. I didn't explore it. I didn't understand. It's very common. And so pay attention to them. Just check them out. Like graze them. See what it feels.

Apply pressure. Different taps. You use different taps different finger pressures you use one you know use a vibrator and here's the thing you guys this is why you can have orgasms the clitoris and the nipples both feel pleasure from the same part of the brain so it's like the same part of the brain that is sending or your clitoral orgasm is also in your nipples they're close cousins and take like don't just like touch your nipple for two seconds like Take some time. Tease it.

Tease it. Flick it around. Play with it. Get to know it. It's like we've all been driving around in clitoral cars that we don't understand how to use. We're just crashing into stuff. We're just crashing into stuff. Understand to drive your body, your breast mobile.

That's when you want to tease yourself. Turn yourself on. And then when you're like, oh my God, now I get it. I feel warm I'm comfortable Then you can move down To the party So that's when you get

To your vulva Now let me just explain this Vagina The vagina Is like your vaginal opening It's everything That's happening internally When I say vulva

I mean like the labia The clitoris The pubic mound Or the mons pubis The pubic mound which sounds like a national monument it does i thought that earlier i was like kind of sounds like that and that's the part that is right if you like your pelvic floor like you push on it sometimes like i know for me like when i started to match like i i apply pressure to at my mons pubis because it's like indirect stimulation

to what's going on inside maybe the g-spot some of those clitoral it's kind of at the top of the clitoral nerves yeah so applying pressure yeah i didn't start doing that until not that long ago and it just it it feels like it does drive everything a lot more than what you're doing and it's it's it's interesting because it's like it's secure like i feel it but it just adds that little extra oomph yeah so you hadn't naturally touched it i hadn't naturally touched it wow and then you know working here and realizing okay i need to because i'm a very much like in and out done masturbator but i do now take the time at least once a week to do a longer masturbation session. And I've started to figure out new things that I like. Good.

See? Never done. And that was one. Never done. Jane, that's a great one. I used to do that when I was having sex with someone and I didn't understand why. Like I would be pressing on it

and I'd have them press on it for years. But then I was like, oh, now I understand. Because it helps facilitate your pleasure and orgasms. Okay, guys, so now back to this. So when you're down there and you're touching down to your vulva, you're teasing yourself, you have to use lube. Like, you know how I feel. I feel strongly about this.

Your clitoris is not going to lubricate itself. It just doesn't. A few drops. Reapply as needed. We love Pure. It's a great first lube to try out or new lube, especially their classic silicone. It lasts longer.

You don't have to reapply it much. And it doesn't leave that stickiness to your body or sheets. If you're more sensitive, they also have a water-based lube, Pure, which is amazing. So now, there you are. You're hanging with your vulva, you're connected, you're one, you're breathing. Breath also plays a huge factor in pleasure and getting into your body and really being able to access all that's within you is through breath. And a lot of times

we don't learn how to breathe properly. No one ever teaches us that you're supposed to breathe down deep into your pelvic floor and take like four deep breaths in and then four out. And there's all these different breath works. If you've ever done yoga, like you jive your breath, whatever it is, do a conscious breathing practice when you're masturbating. Because that'll help relax you. It'll release tension. It'll help with the blood flow.

So the blood will start to circulate and it helps you access more of the energy that is flowing through your body and it helps you connect more to your power source that is your sexual energy okay so when you get there start touching around your labor you guys this okay Jane, you're talking about the pubic mound. For me, that was later for me to understand that by putting fingers over my labia, like matching them in that V, kind of like the clitoral legs, like a V, and kind of just holding them over there and using lube and applying pressure while also touching my clitoris or sometimes just the labia on their own. It felt so good.

touching my clitoris or sometimes just the labia on their own felt so good and and to push it in sometimes you're you're really stimulating those internal clitoral nerves and then when you like push up then you're activating the clitoris like the butt so then it's all connected so that's yeah do you have that too yeah i mean i just started i was very much well no i just used to very much just straight for the clitoris and all that but i started really exploring the labia the inner labia like even like on the clitoris but using the hood like on the outside of the hood and kind of like on the side the side you know like figuring out because it does all it does is like i get it we all want to just get there and get to that end point but when you drag it out it's just longer pleasure that's really what it is exactly you're teasing yourself and it builds so that's what the

energy is doing is helping you build and then you're going to find that you give all these other pleasure spots so jame you're so right the side of the clitoris that for a lot of women who are really sensitive or just in general like there's usually one side of it that's that has more that feels better mine's the mine is the it's hard to say because if you're looking down it's different well if you if you're if you're if you're thinking about it on your own body so you you are me for one moment the right side is my more sensitive if i'm looking at you right now like if you were me and i'm looking down so you're imagine your own clitoris yeah the right side and mine's left there you go i wouldn't have known that had i not gone

searching for it had i not gone and you didn't even have pleasure did not need a map so we're saying is touch it. Let's talk about the touching motions though because this is the other thing I've had to learn. There's no right or wrong way to do it. You have to find your own. And I've said this and now it makes more sense than ever. If you put a hundred of your friends in a room

and you were all masturbating, you'd all be doing something different. Or a hundred women in a room. Maybe you didn't know them because that might sound weird. And everyone does something different. There's no like magic formula. So all I can do is give you some suggestions and then you're going to find what feels good to you. Now you might already have this down. You might already be like,

yeah, I didn't quit it. But what I'm telling you is that you're going to find a new way because there's a lot of different paths. So just because you always did it the same way, like when you were a kid, you have to be in your stomach or you had to squeeze your legs together and now you you have a hard time orgasming other ways by exploring this you're going to find that there's other ways this is how i learned to have multiple orgasms right jame yeah no you do you you go back to those times where you feel the pleasure and you just try to essentially recreate that with a different movement, but with similar pressures or similar positions or however. Right.

With your partner or by yourself. Right, exactly. Okay, so you can try like a figure eight motion. If we're going back to specific touch. Pads of finger. The pads of finger. Best. Try like a figure eight motion.

You can start at the top of the clitoris. So you go down one side of the vag opening and crossing over so it's like an eight so you're going up and down you're just circling slowly circling so we're doing it right now you can simulate they're walking lightly over the clitoris like tiptoe tiptoe tip is that what you do i like that and then i do also like my middle finger one when i get more into well when we get to the g-spot it'll make more sense okay I like the walking because it is it's kind of like the the tip of the tip yeah but you tiptoe all the way down would you do the figure eight tiptoe or you just tiptoe on

your I just do the like straight in a line on the clit but then sometimes I'll go lower right so I don't just stay on the clit right so you stroke up and down yeah and i get to it's easier for me because my g spot's very prominent it's like a lot i think closer to the opening than the average g area as we like to call it here right so when i do that i can kind of like the gary i love it That's what we're calling it, the Gary. Shout out to all guys named Gary. It's just easier for me to hit both spots. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

There's also tapping. There are circular motions. They're just like, just the clit are going up and down the labia. You could also spread your labia apart and you can use the other hand or middle finger to directly stimulate yourself. Yeah.

Or your partner can do that. Mm-hmm. That one's good, too, because it's like if you're having a hard time, if your clitoris is one of those ones that likes to hide. Right. Come on, come on. Just spread it out. Come on, little clitty. Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty, clitty, clitty, clitty.

Come on, little clitty, clitty. That's exactly what you do and then it comes out it's like hello here I am so that's true spreading it apart play get in there that's why the mirror part is important see how it's all working

because they all look different you got to find you got to know where you're going it's your map like your map is there to figure out where to go to find the pleasure goods okay so then you could also orbit

we call this one orbiting you take the labia figure out where to go to find the pleasure goods. Okay, so then you could also orbit. We call this one orbiting. You take the labia and you cover the clitoris with it, especially if your clitoris is really sensitive or just that friction can feel good. So you just kind of like tug it up a little, light little tug, place it over the clitoris and you use it over it for a more indirect stimulation. That feels good too.

It does. I've done that. See, now I'm remembering things. I i forgot i forgot a lot about these techniques okay so so for all you guys just remember this start slow no presh experiment what feels good do i like harder pressure do i like tapping do i like fingers do you want soft heart touches do you want medium do you want harder like i like super soft touches like Do you want medium? Do you want harder? Like I like super soft touches. Like I like at the beginning, like I always started super soft, like barely touching. Like no, I don't even know if you're there. Almost like a whisper.

Like a whisper. Just whisper on my clitoris. It's a whisper. Please whisper to my clit. Sweet nothings. Will you please whisper sweet nothings to my clit? That's exactly what I want. I just figured it out.

All right. No, really. It's like the womanizer. It's like a whisperer. It's a kit whisperer. Okay. So yeah, just go slow. Experiment with different pressures.

G-spot. We're going to get into that in another show. But just know that like take a finger or two inside. It's a come hither motion. Look for a small patch about two inches inside anterior wall of the vagina and or go to our website google g spot that's a great post but we got to get into your emails also you guys just remember this okay if you've never masturbated for or you're not like you just feel like you're not psyched about it

doesn't feel great you're not happening it takes time it takes time don't give up after 10 minutes it's a new practice like exercise when i started running i used to run for 10 minutes at a time and then i ran a marathon at some point so just go slow and uh the goal is not orgasm it's okay it's pleasure it's understanding your body understanding what makes you feel good so you can have more pleasure in your life and don't have to like obsess about the orgasm obsess about finding what makes you feel good so you can have more pleasure in life and you'll be able to explain that to your lucky ass partners and that that's was the clit 101 your clit notes all right okay okay guys i'm all i'm all excited to go masturbate again now. I hope everyone is. I hope everyone is.

Let us know what you think. Send us any questions. Okay, we're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to get into your emails. Okay, guys. We're back. We're ready. We're here for you.

We are going to answer your questions. We love answering your questions. I love doing it. It's my favorite thing. If you want to send a question go to sex with me.com click the ask emily tab fill out the short form check yes if you'd like to be called also go to serious xm you guys you guys can call monday through friday 5 to 7 p.m pacific 888-947-8277 call serious xm or email us feedback at sexwithemily.com. As always, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. All right, Jane. Okay, this first one comes to us from Callie21 in Ontario. She writes, Hi, Emily.

I've been listening to your show for a few years and it's been really helpful for me, so thank you for all the work you do. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and have a really great relationship, especially our sex life. He took a temporary job out of the country and the lack of physical intimacy is a bit of a challenge because physical touch is very much my love language we've tried video sex but are having some trouble having fun with it i bought a we vibe so that he could control it and that's fun but we aren't really sure what to do and say we do some bdsm stuff together and i think that would be fun to involve i'm just not sure how if you have any

suggestions to improve video sex or suggestions for other ways to improve intimacy while he's away i would really appreciate it thank you all right callie this is a great question this is a really good email because we've been talking lately about how it is a little bit easier to be in a long-distance relationship right now with all the technology that's available but i like this because it's like yeah but how do you actually do it you're like i got the toys i got the boyfriend it's long distance we're trying but like it's the same thing of like how do i talk to my partner about you know using toys in real life like how do you make this happen and also physical touch when that's your love language is also hard when you're long distance so let's try to maximize this have a real date where you're like let's have

a glass of wine so you can just kind of have the foreplay or even the mental foreplay that you might need just to jump right into the sex. So you got to set the mood just like you would if you were in the same room. Treat it like a real date. And then get to the sex part where you like lead up to it. You talk about what's going to happen. You know, that's really hot. Like what I'm going to do to you next. And then you make it happen. Use the toy. Maybe you show him what you tell him what you want. Maybe you let him know ahead of time what you want and then you play together. Plan the video dates ahead of time, whether it's through phone sex, sending an email or text, talking more about what you'd like to happen on the date and laying the groundwork. All right. That's what we

like about that. Let's have fun with your long distance. And that's how you enhance intimacy is by having these real conversations. Okay, this next one is from Ken. He's 40 in Ireland. He writes, Hi, Emily. I'm an avid listener, have been listening to your podcast for a few years, and I have a few things I could use your help with. I'm a married man of 15 years, but have feelings for another woman. I see her several times a week, but most contact is professional.

As my feelings have grown towards her over the last two years, I have stepped back as much as I can. I see her weekly but purely professional i have not told this person nor anyone else how i feel how can i stop these feelings as they are driving me crazy which brings me to my other point i know i have these feelings as there's something missing in my marriage we have no kids but live a busy life to also sex is scheduled twice a week but lately this has been slipping and it's always the same and boring my wife has no interest in sex or masturbating i've talked to her several times about spicing up her sex life such as giving receiving oral and she

says okay but then nothing ever happens i've tried just about everything you've mentioned on your podcast but nothing is working what do you do when your normal playbook doesn't work i love my wife and don't want to get divorced but i can't help but think things are not going to get better i want to save it but i'm wondering if it's time to call it quits all right okay i read this twice ken because i really really wanted to like and then jamie just read it so that's a lot of times for me listen i really want to help you here ken and i love like that you've been listening for so long because you're like okay emily and i know what you're gonna say here i know you're gonna sit here and Emily, and I know what you're going to say here. I know what you're going to say here. And I've tried everything. I tried everything you mentioned and nothing is working.

And I believe that you have. Like, I believe that you really want this to work with her, with your wife of 15 years, because I'm sure you had it at the beginning. And you've tried. You talked to her a few times. It didn't work. She maybe has never masturbated in her life. We don't know why.

Maybe she's had some shame around masturbation. Maybe she's been disconnected. Maybe she had some trauma. We don't know. So a few times you try to talk to her about spicing it up and she's still in her own way, not connected to her body. So I think what you have to do here

is know that it's not about this other woman. That going off and having a fling and cheating with someone else is the last thing you should do. That's just going to be like a little band-aid shot of dopamine that's going to make you feel better for a second. But what you got to do with all that energy and time that you are thinking about that woman is turn it towards your wife right now turn it towards making this relationship great again so keep things professional with her and know that the quicker you do this and let go of it because you led with this woman and i'm like no you have so much heart in this and you still love your wife and you're at your wit's end and you're throwing your hands up in the air and you think you're never gonna get your needs met and that you got to go meet up by some other professional.

But that's not true. What you got to do is, you got to bring it up to her again. And again, maybe a few more times. But the ultimate goal is getting her to realize that sex is a priority in a relationship. That you love her, that you love your sex life, that you want to be connected to her again, that you love her, that you love your sex life, that you want to be

connected to her again, that you need that intimacy, that you've learned so much perhaps by listening to this podcast and that it opened you up. Or you don't have to mention my name, but you could just say that because when you bring it up to her again, she's going to feel like, oh, I haven't been pleasing you. You're my husband. You're angry because we automatically get on the defense. So you have to let her know that you've actually learned more in the 15 years. What's possible. And that in the past, you were asking her to masturbate and do

these things and it wasn't working. And you realize that maybe it's a bigger thing that you guys have to work on together. But that intimacy and sex and connection is so important for the relationship and that you know that she could learn to enjoy it and have pleasure but you need her to kind of come on over to your side and however you want to say that to her use your words in a loving way without blaming her or shaming her and it's outside the bedroom and I do think after 15 years therapy might be the best bet here because when you get to the point of emailing about another woman to me i feel like this is like desperate times like this you are at the end i think that

ken that you that you need to let her know that it's really like it's a place where it's really hard it's really hard that you're having a challenge because you don't feel connected or you love her so much and since you are at this point that's why i think that therapy helps people fast track it it's either going to help you realize if you could say or go but you gotta like do something to move this in the direction so you don't make a step you'll regret thanks ken thanks for your email i appreciate it okay this next one is from sarah who's 23 in the uk she writes hi emily thank you for the amazing podcast since i started listening to you a few months back it's been like losing my virginity all

over again. It's so exciting and I can't wait to experiment more. My only problem is I've been in three relationships, which range from six months to three years, which have all ended so badly. I have a sensitive soul and I feel slightly traumatized by them. I'm currently waiting for therapy and I feel that it's important to not get into anything serious with anyone until I've gone through that therapy. However, I did just start sleeping with this guy and it's honestly the best sex that i have ever had and i can feel

myself starting to get feelings for him 90 of the time when i have sex with people i catch feels and become blinded by any flaws they may have it's like i'm unable to see if they're actually right for me or not anyways i'd love to get your advice on how to just have sex and not think into things or get feelings i'd love to know as i want to focus on me but i also have an incredibly high sex drive thanks again for being you oh thanks sarah thanks for being you sarah i have to say that i'm really impressed by your email and you are so wise and thoughtful and you're 23 years old and you're recognizing really cool things about yourself that a lot of people never get there so what you're realizing is that you have this pattern that you are already like realizing that you're not picking the right people you get attached like a lot of us do after we have sex we

get attached we have orgasm we think we're in love um but it's happened to you a lot and you know that you're a sensitive soul and then you feel traumatized. Like at 23, you're already using the word trauma and you're already emailing it because it's happening again. And you're like, I don't want to do this again. I want to change it. So I love that you mentioned therapy

because I really do think that you are ready for it and that you know yourself really well. So I would try to either just, until you get you get into therapy but i think the sooner you will or just start thinking about some of the things that i'm going to tell you is that maybe you don't need to be dating right now for a little bit and maybe it's time that you do some of the things that you know when you've been listening to the show that we talk about is that like, get things like settled, like you use the word trauma, three years, you've already had a three year relationship. No, stop the madness. Take time and figure out who you are, Sarah, without someone in your life right now. And like, figure out like, what do I feel like something

with attachment here? Or like, there's something about a man like that you need to feel loved and supported usually goes back to our childhood and repeat these things until we stop or like i don't want to keep going and understand like what who you are without out of man because you need to i feel like you're getting attached because you're not feeling so safe on your own without a man so i think it's really important for you just take time and say you know what i'm not running out of time there's always going to be plenty of men but who am i without one how do i move through life what's interesting to me like what's interesting to me is a 23 year old now sarah who i'm going to assume you've been in a relationship forever so i say take that time and then to focus on since you say you have a high sex drive go back and listen to the clit journal the clit notes take some time masturbating taking care

of your own pleasure and building a community around you of super kick-ass women that you love that are your friends that will fill you that are that are your people or men be friends with whoever but take care of you get into therapy and then go back to eating thank you sarah okay and this last one is from john who's 41 in pennsylvania he writes hi emily love your podcast whenever i'm getting ready to spend time with my girlfriend i listen to it helps me focus on being the best partner and making sure we're doing all that we can to have a healthy relationship sexually and emotionally here's my question i've got some very thick facial hair i try to shave regularly but some weekends if i haven't shaved in the morning and we're being

intimate my face will rub on her cheek and cause irritation and chafing. I try to be gentle and avoid it, but it happens. Is there any moisturizer or cream I could apply to prevent this?

Thanks. Okay. Thank you, John. I love this. Like, straight to the point. Okay, what can I do here to not scratch her? So you have thick facial hair.

You could use a beard oil. There's a beard oil slash wash from Lush. There's a beard oil. They make a lot of slash wash from lush there's a beard oil they make a lot of beard oil you just put on the hair kind of makes them less rough you can also shampoo and condition your beard hair you could even try to shave or trim it during the evening before you go to bed i don't think it's a huge problem you You know, you can totally work around it. You could shave it off. I mean, how much do you really want to, you know?

I think you just got to experiment with it. See what feels good to you. So try some of these things that relax it. Try trimming it and see how it goes. Maybe you got to shave it off. I don't know. But thanks, John. Great question.

I appreciate it. Good questions. Good calls today. Yeah, always. Good emails today thank you jamie thank you everyone for listening i love you all so much thanks for your support thanks my amazing team ken samantha julia michelle producer jamie and michael was it