Sex With Emily - The Good Dad with Larry Hagner

Episode Date: January 20, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Larry Hagner, founder of The Good Dad Project and host of The Dad Edge Podcast to talk about the ups and downs of fatherhood, and ways to be the best dad and lover you can be. Emily and Larry talk about the benefits of being both masculine and vulnerable (because the two are not mutually exclusive), how to navigate the “real” sex talk with your kids, as well as learning to be an empathetic listener and why this is so important. Plus, a few ways you can build anticipation to have the most creative and sexy date night yet. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: We Vibe, Adam & Eve, Magic Wand, DONA Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Larry Hagner, founder of the Good Dad Project and host of the Dad Edge Podcast. We discussed how to break through isolation you may feel as a father. The benefits of being both masculine and vulnerable, navigating the real sex talk with your kids, learning to be an empathetic listener, and why this is so important, and how to build anticipation and have the most creative, sexy date night yet. And of course, answering your sex and relationship questions. All this and more, thanks for listening. Take her to the situations. Bet through my, they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm excited to welcome my guest to the show. Larry Hagner, he's the founder of the Good Dad Project and host of the Dad Edge podcast. I was honored to be a guest in your podcast.

We had a good talk that day. That was fun. We had an awesome talk. I know. I loved it. I felt like, really, I felt like we really, we really, we really connected. And I love the work that you're doing. And you got to check out his whole movement.

You've like resources and tools and projects and ways that men and fathers can work to be the best versions of themselves so they can selflessly serve their families and enjoy father. And you're helping guys like, what the hell is this father thing all about? It's really a challenging time. I mean, it always is, but I think the work that you're doing now is so important because, I feel like, and you can speak to this perhaps

why we're so much more open now. I think you hear so much more about men, you know, kind of finding peer groups, finding communities to kind of talk about their, it's more accepted for men to go to therapy and be vulnerable and express their emotions. I mean, very, like at the tipping point, like you're in the right place right now

and doing what you're doing. So I feel like it's really hard to be good at anything and I have a lot of friends who are like good moms and they're like, oh, I was a bad mom today. So talk about like the Good Dad project and how this came about. The Good Dad project really came from my own horrible struggles with fatherhood.

I am not kidding. So like five years ago, I mean, so my kids, my oldest is 11. I have four boys. I have an 11 year So like five years ago, I mean, so my kids, my oldest is 11. I have four boys. I have an 11-year-old, 10-year-old, four-year-old, one-year-old, and when my, so about six years ago now, actually, I just had this epiphany that I was doing it wrong. And my ego is in the way, so it's like, I can't ask for help. I can't, I can't go out and look for help. I can't ask for help because that's a sign of weakness, but I had a really hard time with father and I was your typical guy. I was overworked, I was stressed out, I was irritable, I had zero patients, and I, to be honest,

I kind of hated myself for it. I mean, I just, I wanted so badly to be a good father because my childhood, I came from like this really chaotic, crazy childhood where my mom was married three times. I didn't even meet my biological father 1230. Wow. So 12 years ago. So I just, I had this in my mind. I was like, you know, half my childhood was spent without a father. And then the other half was spent with a really toxic father figure, depending on who that was. So when I became a dad, I was like, man, I am going to do this right. And then for the first five years, I just did all wrong. How did you know you were doing it wrong?

I could just tell. I mean, you can just tell when you're doing things wrong, I was short with my kids. I got very, just like every other guy, I got very little validation at home. So like, what do most guys do? We get our validation in the workspace. So like, I would work and then I'd get into my hobbies. I'm into fitness and I was into martial arts and that's where I went and got my validation. So I didn't get that validation at home.

So what did I do what every guy does? Is, well, I'll just do this father thing from a distance. I want to be good at it, but I don't know how. How would you know? We're not trained. There's no tools. And so it's interesting, like anyone can become a dad

or a mom. One of the things I think that we're all put in this planet to work through is our past and is our childhood. It's almost like whether you had a messed up childhood I intended for my parents weddings for I was 25 right things like I understand the toxic step parents or I know men New parents and women whose parents are married forever and they're still challenged around this and our parents are gonna Mass us up no matter even today happens all the time like I've friends used to joke that you know

They're saving up for their kids therapy fun because they know even though they were so evolved with all those parents, they knew there's going to be something. You might not even be aware of what those issues are in your child, but there's going to be something your parents did that's going to impact the way you are as a parent today, number one, and number two, we're not even told how to do it, and they probably made some mistakes you'd like to improve upon, and if you don't look at this stuff, you're just going to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. Yeah, exactly. Well, I just had Gary John Bishop on my show

who wrote that book on fuck yourself. Yeah, that was good. I listened to that podcast, it was really good. He's awesome. And he said something in that book, like we can do the best job we can, as parents, we can do the best job we can as fathers,

but it's the perception of our kids and their experience of us. And so no matter how much we really try to do right, we are going to probably screw them up somehow some way. And it's just a matter of just being very, very human. So for instance, conversation I had with my 10 year old was like exactly what he had with his 10 year old, which was like, hey, you know,

and you know how you're trying to figure out how to be 10 years old and he's like, yeah, he's like, well, I'm 42. I'm still trying to figure out how to be 42. I'm still trying to figure out how to be a dad. I mean, so it's so real though. I mean, I love that you have that conversation with your 10 year old. Like it's here's life because life is about struggle. We're not taught that necessarily. So back to your realization. I want to go back to that. Yeah. So at the time, my 10 year old was four. And we were moving, I was talking with your producer about how horrible moving is.

We were getting ready to move. Moving taxes, death, like three of the worst things, right? I'm like an awful. So I was packing up their playroom and it took me like four hours back up the playroom. I had boxes from ceiling to floor and I was that again, typical guy where I was pissed off half the time.

I had very little patience. Like I wasn't fun to be around, you know? So I told my four year old, I was pissed off half the time, I had very little patience. Like I wasn't fun to be around, you know? So I told my four year old, I was like, look, I just got done packing up all this stuff and I was gonna take a break. I was like, do not unpack this stuff. Just don't touch it. So I was gone for 30 minutes

and he had managed to like unpack all this stuff and it was stuff everywhere. And I got so pissed off and I grabbed him and I spanked him and And my wife is like super low-key. Like it takes a whole lot to ruffle her feathers. And she just was like seriously. She's like, he's four. He just went to get to his toys.

Like you don't have to get so pissed. And when she says something, because she never nags me, when she says something, I listen. And I'm like, crap. So I went in my office, I was actually kind of emotional. I was like, this is not what I want to do. Like this is not the person I want to be.

I was so pissed off. And I not only been pissed off at that moment, I was pissed off about the whole five years, being that way. So I was on Facebook, I was trying to distract myself. I don't know what it was. I mean, I kind of call it my Jerry McGuire moment where I saw this thing in the left-hand side

where it says create a page. And I don't know what or why it happened. I'd catch shells. Yeah, I'm actually good at shells talking about it. Creating the page. Yeah. Just the words, good dad project came out. And I don't think a lot of people know this,

but the good dad project was actually me. I was the project, so I was like, I need some help. I need some fucking help. So I told myself, I'm going to create this page and I'll see if anybody follows it. And I'm just going to go out every single day and just find something inspirational. But the biggest thing was I had to surrender that ego that I didn't know it all. And that I had, I just became vulnerable to a whole community of people I just wanted to be a student of it really. I mean, so that's that's what I did Right and so you started it and you said hey guys you invited your friends

Yeah, guys friends are like what can we do and then you all started a community together? Yeah, so getting advice and help that was just the page at the time Then I started a blog in 2013 and then a podcast in 2015 Okay, I wrote a book in 2015, but it was really just the whole journey, to be honest, it's just been me being a student, because I get to talk to people every week on the podcast. Like yourself. I love being on your show. I was really like I said, it was fun.

I mean, I get that. And I love that mentality because I feel like we're always learning, always working on ourselves. So really, it's all been based around the page and at your book and you have your podcast. But what I love about that is that, you know, women, since the time we're little, I mean, they have these studies that show how little girls, babies interact with each other, making eye contact and men don't. We are just, we naturally gravitate towards community and building them.

And we talk about everything, right? Since men just, you don't. You're're like if you have your due time and this is sterest I'm stereotyping right now but you're gonna watch sports you're gonna have a beer you're gonna do something you know and it's not gonna be like so yeah I was ruffa I'm really having a hard time parenting you know you have to having that kids you know what do you do no it would never come up it doesn't and so what's that I my heart goes out to men. That's why I love what you're doing,

because it's such a service that guys are needing and they're probably gonna be flocking to now, especially with the world. So. Thank you, I appreciate that. I mean, if you look at guys, though, and even their body language like us in a social setting, yeah, we talk about the same five things.

We talk about current events, we talk about work, we talk about women, we talk about sports, and the news, and all that good. And then whatever sport our kid is in, even the body language of men, like for instance, when we go to a kid party, which at this point of time, you have four boys, you must never not be at a kid party. I know, there's like every weekend. But so when we go to a party, like it's fascinating to see the dynamics because like now that I

know a little bit about body language and all that stuff, I'll watch. I love to watch, and women will sit face to face, they'll talk face to face, men, they're side by side, we have whatever we're drinking right up close to our chest, and it's like we're kind of just lurking and you sort of like talk here and there, but you talk about those five things, but even our body language, it shows that we're kind of just lurking and you sort of like talk here and there. But you talk about those five things,

but even our body language, just it shows that we're... We're talking about the body language. Yeah, it's like this. You're just like you're holding in, right? You're holding a cup. You got, it's like, up here like this, you've got a cup in front of your chest.

You know, that's the way guys talk. And we talk side by side. We don't talk face to face, which I think for us would be kind of awkward anyway. But even our body language shows that we're guarded. And we don't talk. So are you going into these places now? Like you're going to the party. You're going, hey guys, so tell me how are things really going? And I mean, do you try to open it up? People are no. No, but I will say this though, if a guy wants to create like that band of

brothers, if he wants to create those good relationships, the one thing a guy has to do is be vulnerable first. And I'm not talking about, you can't do it like in this sappy way, like, oh my gosh, my wife hurt my feelings so bad. We just don't, we don't really relate that way. So like for instance, what are the two words that men love to say more than anything?

How's life treating you? I'm good, I'm fine, how are you? Good and fine. But and that usually sets the stage for the entire conversation. But if you're like, man, to be honest with you, like life is hard right now. Like for instance, like we're kind of going through

a bit of a financial issue right now, like I took a cut and pay and whatever. And I noticed that you guys seem to have your finances together, how do you guys do it? And immediately what you'll see is that other man's guard come down. And then they'll start to talk. But you have to be the one to be masculine vulnerable,

if that's even too word, but masculine vulnerable first in order to create that conversation. I love it. That's a great tool. I think that obviously the whole show could be on vulnerability. We have a lot to cover. Is that men don't even, you're right, they're thinking they're crying, they're breaking down.

It looks very different how a man can actually learn to be vulnerable. The reason why it's like, invulnerability is not a weakness. It's actually the greatest, it's such a great strength, I think. It's when we really grow. So yeah, so you've learned this on the last five years, too. Yeah. What about therapy? What's your role?

There's so many men that I, you know, and women, I see the government therapy helps everybody. I could not agree more, and I wish guys would get more on that page of, so if I can go talk to somebody who has seen a ton of several different situations and patients and you've heard a gazillion stories and if someone could shorten my learning curve to less frustration, I mean, I will pay that person for that advice.

And sometimes I scratch my head and I'm just like, well, have you guys seen a marriage counselor? Have you gone and talked to somebody? No, no, I can't do that. I'm not gonna go see, well, why wouldn't you? Why continue to bang your head up against the wall? When you can go sit down with someone for an hour, and they could probably unpack some things

and give you so much more clarity. It's so worth it. It's so worth the time, it's so worth the money. Because there's still, there's still as that stigma, like nothing's wrong with us, we don't need it. I think therapy is helpful for everybody, men, women, couples. You ever do couples therapy?

Yeah, in fact, so my wife and I, we've been married for 14 years, and we probably see somebody like maintenance, like at least I would say three to four times a year. Cause we'll reach that point, like we'll have a hiccup in the relationship and it's just like, I really don't, I don't know the answer to you and she's like, no, I don't, okay, well let's go talk to Tom.

Exactly. You know, and she's like, okay, let's go. So we'll get a sitter, we'll go, and then literally it's usually something that's so simple. It's right there in front of us, and they're just like, well, if you guys tried this or thought of this, I'm like, no, we haven't. But if you think about it, we have this mentality about our cars.

We'll do preventive maintenance on our cars, but we won't do it in our relationships. Exactly. It's not. I don't understand why you do not prioritize the health of our relationship at all, and we just think it's going to magically cure itself. If it takes effort, there's something wrong with it. Cause for some reason, like one of the most important things in our lives is our relationship with our partners, if not the most, but we think it just be effortless

and take no work and everything else that we care about in life, we do work on. You're absolutely right. And then when you get into these loops and you start thinking like, you know, we don't need help and we can figure it out on our own. People don't realize you have, you could go in once and just be like,

it's a different perspective, because if you guys are having the same argument over and over again, you're not gonna be able to get your way out of it, but it could even be something as simple as whatever we can't do with this conflict and to have not to have shame around that. Like there's something wrong with your relationship that we don't prioritize it.

Yeah, and then not to mention the fact that when we're in our situation, like when we're emotionally tied to our situation, we can't see the solution usually because we're in it, you know, but someone else outside of us can usually see. I actually have a question for you. Yeah.

And hopefully this will help the men out there. But talking to as many women as you talk to, what is the big deal like why do men from a woman's perspective? Why do we have such an issue with going and getting counseling? I think it goes back to why men don't like asking for help or asking for directions And that it has to do with feeling less than a man feeling like if I can't figure this out and I don't have all this These answers I'm not in my masculine Asking for help is weak and I'd rather just you know, I'm gonna figure it out of my own because that's my job Yeah, I think it's just really truly asking for help is weak. And I'd rather just, you know, I'm gonna figure it out on my own,

because that's my job. Yeah, I think it's just really truly asking for help is a weakness. We wanna fix stuff. Yeah, you wanna fix it. I can fix this. I can figure it out. And I think that what a lot of men,

you know, where I love that you talk about a lot and your show is men isolate. We talk about them, we glorify the man cave. What are you guys doing in there? Like are you figuring shit out in there? No, probably not. You should probably invite some friends over to the man cave and then have some conversations guys doing in there? Like are you figuring shit out in there? No, probably not. You should probably invite some friends over to the man cave and then have some conversations.

Cause I think that men are like, I'm gonna isolate and I'm just gonna try to have these same, every day I'm just gonna ruminate on these things cause eventually I get to the answer but it's kind of insanity. Like do people think that if they go to therapy that there's gonna be some men in like, you know, a padded truck who's gonna ship them off

to like some mental, like it means something's wrong or bad, but also it probably means too that they think, you know, somewhere in Thailand, and they're gonna have to actually look at all this stuff. They've been repressing their whole lives because we all have those things. We do. Until you get them out, or learn to talk about them with yourself, with your partner, they don't go away by sitting in your man cave trying to figure them out. Do you think women, do you think they don't see a counselor for the same reason men don't? Yes, I think that anybody who's challenged right now around anything, it's from persisting.

I don't even want to pathologize you and say you have a mental illness, but there's been something that's for years now has been plaguing you, either in your relationship or maybe you're depressed or you're frustrated about, I don't know, did you keep picking the wrong kind of partner and you, it's been persisting and you're thinking yourself, I don't know, did you keep picking the wrong kind of partner and you, it's been persisting and you're thinking yourself, I don't need help and I don't wanna go to therapy. I feel like if there's something in your life like this right now, it makes no sense to me really. Why you wouldn't even just try,

why people would men or women wouldn't try to go talk to someone and I feel like the reason why is because the answer question is because I feel like everybody does need therapy. Because we all have those things in our heads that we don't deal with and we don't work on. But I feel like for men and for women who don't go to therapy, I think it's because the same reason that they are afraid of if they go, that everything that they've held their in control, everything that they've held at bay or repressed in their life is going

to come tumbling out. They're going to have to feel everything at once because they've built these really strong structures and in place and control in their life so they don't have to feel. So most of our suffering comes because we're repressing feelings. So the people don't want to go therapy, no, that when they go in there,

someone's going to have to actually make and be honest with themselves. I think you're right. That was my long way of saying, you know, right? And they're not evolved. And here's the thing, I spent so much my life saying, like why, and a lot of men I did, I'm like, he's not emotionally evolved.

He's not emotionally evolved. And he did, I used to have his work. I feel like that, yes, it's men and women, but for a lot of men, it's just like, this would be such a important journey that they have to go on. It is on why they do it alone. Right.

So you don't have to be alone. So here's why I wanna say to you, I have a lot of women friends who have been married for a long time and people right into the show and they like, they love their husband, things are, these are my friends and the healthy marriages, right? Not all of them, but these are like good relationships, but they're like, they spend so much time handling the partner's mental health. Not like they're, you know, having emotional breakdowns in that way, but just like how to teach them how to get over fear and how to deal with emotions. So do you hear that from frustrated women

or guys come to you and say like, yeah, my wife's been on me. Or like what is a typical guy? How does he find his way to your podcast and to your masterminds? So the way guys, I think if you just go to Google and if you type in good dad, you know, like how to be a good dad, usually it comes up.

I love that. Nice SEO there. It love that. Yeah. Nice SEO there. It's pretty, yeah. Thank you, Google. And thanks for my SEO writer. But also if they go into podcasts and look at that, if they look up good dad, it's going to come up.

But so many men are searching, how do I be a better dad? So many of us are. The thing that is most alarming though that I've found with men is so many men to quote hang over, you know, is I'm alone wolf, you know, like a one man wolf pack. So many guys go at life alone. We are surrounded by people. We have so many acquaintances. So physically we are surrounded by people mentally and emotionally we are isolated. I mean so isolated when I've talked to literally thousands of men over the past six years, and one, I can count on one hand how many times I've asked, like, do you have a good support network?

Do you have men in your life that are going, and I'm not talking about the guy, like, the good old guy from college, you know, and you talk about the good old days, and I'm talking about like a guy who's in your life who's going to tell it to you straight, who's going to support you when you need it and you're going to do the same for him. And he's like, no, I don't. I don't even know that that exists. Right. So you're teaching men just the art of creating that sort of relationship and why they

need it and want it. The band of brothers. I mean, so many men want that, so many men need that. Here's the problem though. We don't have the skills, no kidding around, to build this. We don't. We don't need a woman to help you put it together. Is that what it is? We'll facilitate the men becoming intimate and feeling community, but you're right. You don't. Because you're like, I got to follow through and respond and send a hard emoji. I mean,

how do you do it? Then put your tip. I had Stephen Mansfield on the podcast I told him. He's in the mainstream media. He's written several New York Times bestselling books, and he has written books on Mansfield's Manly Men, I think is one, and Building a Band of Brothers is another. But it's a skill set that we've lost, especially over the past, I would say, five decades. In order to build a band of brothers, what we need to do is you have to do an activity that, like so for instance, you can't just ask a guy out, I'm going through a hard time, let's me for coffee, talk about our feelings. You can't do that.

But what you can do is you can be like, hey man, I have a new firearm, do you want to go to the range or do you want to go hunting, do you want to go fishing? So it has to be like the activity. Like in adrenaline, something maybe, maybe. Like an activity, like an adrenaline something maybe, and I just, maybe not even an adrenaline something that you're spending time together doing something else. But and then that relationship, what you can do then,

you go back to that one thing I said before, which is you have to be the one to be vulnerable first. And when I say vulnerable, you have to do it more of a masculine way. You can't be like, hey Tim, I want to talk to you about my feelings. I love that example though. But like, I mean, even like my father-in-law, he is like this blue collar, like,

manly, manly guy. And if I ask him how his day is, oh, it's good, it's fine. But if I say, man, I'm kind of going through a rough time, man, like, you know, business is a bit low right now, this and that's going on. What I'll notice was, is he does the most, he, it's his favorite thing to do, and it's also every man's favorite thing to do, is problem solve. He'll help me fix it, he'll give me advice, you know?

And then the cool thing about that is without him maybe knowing, he'll be like, you know, now I think about it, there's this and this going on with my life and then he'll start to talk and that kind of thing. And then I'll give him some advice. Now we don't wanna do that with our women because they are really pissed off.

But we as men, we really appreciate that. We always got to be the one to talk first. And not necessarily do it in a sappy way, but in more of a masculine way. So what do you think men aren't naturally talking like this? What do you think is the fear? Oh my God. Fear of looking weak. I mean, no kidding around. Like, you don't want to let anyone in that I don't have my life put together. I don't want to let anyone in that maybe, you know, work is, you know, that would seem on Instagram and Facebook or whatever. Yeah, I really, yeah, yeah, the high, yeah, thank you social media. Yeah, exactly.

Right. We're still women's, we're all afraid of this. Yeah. But you realize that nobody has it together. No, everybody struggle. Everybody says, that's a good thing. Like, you realize, you know, everyone's fighting their own battles. So is there anything that's come up for you

in doing this work really intensely with men the last, how many years you would do this five years? Six years, yeah. Like, what would you say are the common questions or challenges that keep coming up over and over again for men? Well, it's a pretty much what we're gonna talk about right now. I'm sure anyway, or at least it's sex,

oh, maybe, yeah, bring it. Sex intimacy communication. So they're bringing it up. And what are they asking? I know when I was on your podcast, which is awesome. Oh, maybe not bring it. Sex intimacy communication. So they're bringing it up. And what do they ask? I know when I was on your podcast, we're just awesome. You asked me some great questions. It was like, what are the women?

Like you just asked me just now, like, what are the, why do women think that men think this way? And I love that perspective. So what are they asking you, Larry? So it's not so much what they ask. It's what they say. What they say.

And I'll tell you this, and I would love to hear it women's attitude. So men are just, they're like, why do I always have to initiate? You know, I feel like she never wants to, like, you this, and I would love to hear what women say. So men are just, they're like, why do I always have to initiate? You know, I feel like she never wants to, like, you know, she's always tired. They make it sex.

Initiate sex. Or why she always tired, you know, I feel like she's always stressed out. What can I do? What can I do? How can I fix it? How can I fix it? Right, which women don't want to.

Trigger, right. Which I think the more men try to fix, the more that intimacy, they're going to create that bearer of intimacy right there if they try to fix. If you can listen empathetic, I think that's the one thing we help teach guys like listen to her. Like, let's really listen. Let's talk about how do you teach mentalism?

What have you learned about listening to women in communication? I made such horrible mistakes in the beginning of a MMOI relationship. I would always want to fix it. And even before she would get through a sentence eventing, I'd want to fix what I was going on. Of course, right. You brain can't help it. Right. So, I literally, even now, even though I know better, I have to shut it off. Don't give her advice. And I always listen empathetically and not sympathy.

I give empathy and not sympathy. Give me an example. So I came to you and I'm like, my boss keeps riding me, I was supposed to stay at the office, I was to leave by five, I left by seven, and everyone I work with is terrible, and I'm exhausted, and how do I come home, and I'm supposed to have dinner on the table,

and I'm exhausted about work, and the responsibilities that I have right now, and I don't know how I can do it all. So the man and me wants to be like, well, why do you feel that way? Like, why are you so upset? You know, like, and I think we do that. Like, what's the problem?

Or like, why was your day so tough? Like, that one's brutal. You know, like, why is your day so tough? Like, I don't understand. Well, I'll tell you about my day. Right, or if they don't work, maybe they're home with it. Whatever it is, right? Right.

But I think you can listen to be like, God, that really sucks. Like, tell me more about that. You know, and like literally- That's it, like, empathy. Yeah, empathy. So, that sucks, babe. So, tell me more about it. Tell me more about it. And, that's it, empathy. That sucks, babe. Tell me more about it. Tell me more about it.

I think sympathy is an insult, right? Because you're like, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That really sucks. And then you lay on the pity party versus like, I think all you have to do is be like, man, that really does suck. Tell me more about that. Validating that it's okay that you feel that way. And I'm interested in hearing.

Because sometimes we just want to talk. We don't think you could fix the challenges I've been having for five years with my boss or whatever, or the kids, but we want someone there for us. Right, and I think the other thing you could do too, is like listen to the words that she's saying, like I've had a horrible day, my boss doesn't, and now I gotta make dinner,

be like man that really sucks, like I, let's talk about it, let's cook dinner together, I'll pour your glass of wine and we'll talk about it. And just shutting up and just listening, like it's a about it. Let's cook dinner together. I'll pour your glass of wine and we'll talk about it. And just shutting up and just listening, like it's a game changer. We want to feel, yeah, we want to feel seen and listening, then that's how we feel like you care

for us when you're paying attention to that. You've shared a lot about your personal story, I went everything that you're doing. That's what drove you to doing this. So in the last five years with your wife, I'm saying it's about five years that you've been starting on this journey. Can you tell me about some of the things that you guys have gone through and how it's changed and what you've learned around?

I want to hear about like, I do want to hear about your sex life and stuff. Of course. So intimacy. Yeah. It can't always be easy with four kids. Well, in the past five years, we went from two kids to four. And that was, that was great. And then we actually lost one like, dramatically. So that was, that really tested us as well. But yeah, we've moved to, so it's like moving, we lost, we lost a kid, we went from, from two kids to four kids and never thought we'd actually have four kids. We've always kind of thought we'd be into it.

But, yeah, I guess, you know, a good sex life does, you know, that's the side effect of it right. Yeah. I mean, more kids. But anyway, yeah, so you know, that's the side effect of it right. Yeah. I have more kids, but anyway, yeah, so I'm glad to talk about anything you want to talk about. No, but like, tell me about, yeah, like, where you were at and what, I don't know, yeah, what have you, what have you learned about it?

Like, what's changed over the last few years since you think you've become more? Well, I think everything, the biggest lesson I've learned is what I do outside the bedroom is way more important what I do in the bedroom. Tell me more. So like for instance, like listening and not fixing. That's huge.

The other thing too that I think is a game changer is understanding the way she needs to be loved and not how I want to love her. So like for instance, like my love languages. The love languages. Which I love them. Tell me what are your, what's... Mine is words of affirmation and physical touch. And so hers are acts of service and quality time. So like, you know, I always want, if I'm touching her, grabbing her, like she's a stay-at-home mom

and like if I'm touching her, it's another person in that house that she feels wants something for me. Right. So like I've learned like if I feel that nudge to be like, I want to go up to her and like get my hands on her and all that, like I'll instead. She's like, there have been four children hanging off of me today. Yeah, which is not you. Right, I got it. I've heard this. When you're wiping asses and those like, you don't really feel sexy at the end of the

day. So that. But I just, I love her and the way she needs to be loved. So I know the fact that, you know, acts of service. Right. And we're talking about, I've talked about this in the show. And I love the love. I feel like all the books and things I've studied,

I think this is such a great tool for any couple. It's called the Love Five Love Engrages and the book by Gary Chapman. And there's like tests you can take online. But really, we all have five. There's five love languages. And typically, we lean towards two ways that we receive love. So for example, knowing I'm just going to break like that yours is like physical touch. You would obviously, that makes you feel loved.

So you'd go and hug her because that's how you, that's all you know. But to her you find out she wants you to empty the dishwasher, maybe she's acts of service, right? Yeah. Or even the other thing that I've learned too, and I think this is a big one for guys, and I think it's overlooked, is let her have time with her girls. Like, and let is a really bad, like get her out of the house.

And a lot of women, like my wife included, she feels guilty about living, and I'm like, get out. Please get out, like, because you're gonna come back better for you, which means you're gonna come back better for us. So just go get your cup filled, go get your cup poured into you need to be with your girls. I need it. And just get out, you know, let your hair down.

So like, and I'll hang out with the boys. And she does the same for me too. But. That's so important. Yeah, you're right. It's nurturing for what we do. It feels, even when I find like, I don't, I'm not our own friends for a while, like I crave that. And I feel like for all my married friends, I have to force them like, you need to take Get a Baby

Sir tonight night do it You haven't had any self care and if your husband's stay back and you up on it I know that that's would be so much easier because a lot of women stuff with that. That's a great So that's I think some guys the lot wanted to go out right but I think you you got it She's going up where she met you when you fell in love with her She had a really full life and lots of friends and things going on and you'll find that attractive. Is that what you kinda? Oh yeah. So sex for us is a big deal.

I mean, it really is. So, you know, taking care of four kids and you know, everyone's like, well, we don't have time. No, you have to make the time. Can we, yes, talk about this? Yeah.

It's like, get out, that's five of the top questions I get asked to. Like, we have no time, we can't have sex, she doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. So tell me how you guys navigate this with for kids. Yeah, so we have to get creative with it sometimes, but I will say this, so at night, neither one of us like to have, it's all right,

we'll have night sex, but we like day sex. But at night, like we're both exhausted, and if it's been a few days and we both are like, I really want to, but I'm tired, we're like, let's just do it. Like let's just do it anyway. We'll be happy. You both want to, right? And so we do, and we're always happier that we are.

But, so I'll give you another perfect example. So we have a date night, at least another tip, is have a date night. Like, no kidding around, plan them on. It's just like you never plan, you never, you never, you never compromise the date that you're never gonna go. Like, well Tuesday's date night,

but we're gonna do something else now. And even if you don't feel like go out. I hope this is so true. You have to do it. But there are different things that we do too, like, like for instance, if we're out and we're having a really, really good time and like, conversations really, really good

and we're just having a blast. Like, I mean, there have been times where like, I'll just cut in my my area, I'd app and just grab a room. And you don't have to stay all night long. No, it's like 70 bucks, right? I remember, yeah. We're good.

We're good. And so like, you know, I'll just say at the end of dinner, and be like, hey, I just, I just grabbed a room. You want to continue over there. And it should be like, yeah. And then so we'll just, we'll go. And then we're still home in time to relieve the babysitter and all that good stuff,

but just getting out of that element, even having sex outside of your bedroom because you still got your laundry and all this other crap everywhere, like you need to get away from the house and have sex somewhere else sometimes. It's an element of surprise. So people always wanna go back to that honeymoon phase

that could be don't have those, you don't surprise your partner anymore. There's not the newness, the novelty, and I love that you do that. Well, there's one other thing too. We could find a million reasons why, oh, we shouldn't get a hotel room. We have a house, get a hotel room. Just do it because you're going to be so happy that you did. I mean, there's going to be a million reasons why you shouldn't do those things.

There's always been reasons why you shouldn't, but how is the things that you're not doing and working for your relationship? And I think that hotel sex, vacation sex, pretty much guaranteed, like across the board. Like I feel like there's some things you're saying like date night, it works for most couples, I know because you are prioritizing each other that one night, and you're mixing up location.

That's just, we all have sex in the same place the same way, many of us. Yeah. Now, tell me about your kids too. I want to hear how you, how you've been talking to your kids about sex. I feel like you would probably do that in a way. I just, I feel like that. Yeah.

Poor, not so easy right now. Well, I mean, it has to happen. It does. Younger, younger. I heard this quote and it's so true if it's not you at YouTube. Seriously, for dads and moms out there, if it's not you at YouTube. Seriously, for dads and moms out there, if it's not you explaining this at YouTube, explaining it to your kids,

you better get to them first. You're two where you porn. Are you porn? Yeah. So, my 11 year old is, he's been asking a lot of questions like where did babies come from and all this stuff. So, he plays hockey, we had a hockey tournament a few weeks back and it was a two hour drive.

There and back, so four hours. So I knew, I knew going into, that he was gonna ask about sex and sure enough he did. So I told, this is how I prefaced it. I was like, look, I was like, I'm gonna tell you all about this. I was like, but this conversation, I was like, I'm like, I'm not kidding around. This conversation has to be between me and you

because you can't go into your friends on the playground, all this between me and you, this is not for you to tell another kid, parents need to tell their kids. We're telling your brothers, you say don't tell your brother to do that. I'm like, you do not tell, you're little brother Mason, that's for me to tell him.

He's like, okay, I swear. So I told him how we did it. I was like, and I told him in the probably the most generic way possible, but the end of it, and if you want details, I can tell you. Yes. A little bit. I want to know how you even start. So I just told him, I was like, well, you know, I was like, you know what boys have, right?

And he's like, you know, girls have, yeah, I was like, well, yeah. Pace vagina. Yeah, exactly. So he's like, so basically what you do is man puts his penis into the moms vagina and you know, that's how a baby is made. This is the funny part that he goes, that when he goes, first of all, that's disgusting.

He goes, number two, he's like, how does a baby get in there? I was like, well, I was like, if it hasn't happened to you already, it will happen to you any day now. Right. I was like, but when you get really, really aroused and you get hard and all the stuff, I was like, you're gonna have stuff that comes out

and he's like, what are you talking about? I was like, well, it's called semen and it looks like snot. And he's like, what? He like flips out. He's like, what? And I was like, and in that, I was like, is what, like what's called sperm? And it goes in there and fertilizes the

mom's egg for men a baby. You fertilize it right? And he's like, that's gross. I'm never doing that ever. And so yeah, that's what I was trying to do. Right, but no, but then, you know, and then I'll have quite, you'll continue to ask, I feel like the big thing with kids that like my mom would tell me that some kind of story. But and they're like, come to me anytime you have questions, but I don't think kids know

what the questions are. So it's like, you to keep continuing the conversation. You do. And I told him I was like, look, you know, anytime you have questions, you know, and I would, I still check in with him periodically. This was a while ago, but I still, you know, I'll put him in bed at night and be like, you know, hey, if anything's going on, I'm gonna go to like just just come and talk to him. And sure enough, he'll ask more questions. And that question will turn into another question. Right. So yeah, it's continuous conversation. You're doing the work.

Yeah, I do. You're still your own project, but you're helping a lot of people. Larry Hagnar, good dad project. Tell me about what's going on now. What's the people could go to your site? Check out your podcast, your mastermind group. Yes, we have a couple of things.

I've got the podcast that's been around for a long time. It was good dad project podcast. It was a good dad project podcast. Now it's the dad edge podcast. We have a Facebook group that has nearly 10,000 guys in it. So it's a free group called the dad edge on Facebook. And then I've got the dad edge alliance mastermind community where we have almost a couple hundred guys in there. Right. Yeah. And we look at do it online.

I mean, it's wherever you live. Everything's virtual. We literally like virtual virtual. Yeah. When we have these mastermind calls, we do them every single week on Zoom. So we'll have like anywhere from 10 to 15 guys at a time on a call, because we have one literally Monday through Friday.

But the funny thing is is, you know, we'll have guys in Thailand, Australia, and then in the US, and then over in Ireland. And so like, it's like, you know, the next day in Australia, and then in Ireland, they're like 10 hours ahead. And we always joke, I feel like we just ripped a hole in the space time continuum,

because it's Wednesday here, but it's Thursday in Australia. Is there any cultural differences you're noticing? Because I know a lot of our listeners, you've tunnelisters all over the world. So anything you're noticing? You know, when it comes to fatherhood, there hasn't been a whole lot of, at least my live conversations with guys, there hasn't really been a whole lot of big cultural difference.

Got it. Okay. Cool. But any man can join and do that. So wait, I feel like we didn't with your, so with your sex life though, in particular, was there anything in particular that has, I don't know that you're like, God, I wish someone told you this about keeping sex. Besides the location, was there any kind of discussions or communicating about it that was usually toys? Do you do anything fun like that? Well, we do subscribe to Emily's Box. I love that you did that. I love it. And you like it when we were out on your part, I told you that. You like it? The box. I love Emily's Box. Who doesn't? No, but it's a subscription box on my site. It's called, yeah, Emily's Box. But you get a phone, right? That's great for. You get a box. You get every month, every few months, it's something different. It is cool. So I'll give you this perfect example. Like,

I was just wanted to get, yeah. So the other night, my wife and I, you know, it had been a few days in my book. You could just tell when each one of you want to write, but we were just a few days since you had sex, right? Yeah. So you're saying, yeah, I hear this. And it was one of those things where the kids were like maniacs, and we were trying to put away Christmas stuff from them, and I'm like, oh my god. And then we're like, hey, let's go see what's in the box.

So we went in there, and in the box, there's this really cool candle that has it melt. Like it does this order. Yeah, yeah, and it smells like chocolate. So I was just like, oh my, and my wife is big on massage. By the way, tip guys, massage your women. Should I hurry, that's for play? Like she loves it. Literally, it is for we are relaxed,

we're the mood, you've more mess up. Yeah. Right. So we use the candle. And the cool thing was, is like, I mean, it smelled really, really good. And we use the oil that you're supposed to to, and she loves massages. So it's just like, it was perfect. And then there's all kinds of stuff in there too, but. Yeah, that's good toys. Yeah, but we really liked that. I'm so glad that you're gonna come into the, we're gonna do a little shot.

You're gonna come home with a good little gift package. I will say for the whole family, but not for the kids, just for you guys. Okay, Larry, you're gonna say with me and help me answer some emails from the listeners. I love that. Thank you so much for being here. Larry Hagnor, check them all out.

The good dad project. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors because we love them and we love you for supporting them. I love you guys all anyway, even if you didn't support. Well, as long as you didn't say anything bad about them, I'm just glad you're here, along for the ride. Love you all. We'll be right back.

Okay, Larry, I gotta see the five questions I ask everyone on the show. The rapid fire, don't overthink this. Here you go, ready? what's your biggest turn on? Blow job I hear you biggest turn off biggest turn off is a woman whose way too high maintenance Crazy's place you've gotten busy here in the middle of the woods during the day nice Sexiest part of your partner's body.

Oh, god, my wife's eyes. Just amazing. What's the one thing you wish you could tell your partner about your body, probably don't know if about your body's needs? Or here's this for you, what's something that a partner taught you about your body and your needs? That's a really good question.

It's not that rapid-fire this morning. No, it's not. I was like, what? Yeah, that was tough. Can I just say red or blue? Yeah. I would say, I don't know. That's okay.

That's tough. It's okay. Cool. You can learn something along the way. Maybe there's something to learn still. That's what we're set learning here. Okay. So we're going to get into emails, questions here from the people.

Thank you, everyone, for emailing me. I love, love, love, love, you're going from you. If you have a question, you want me to answer on the show. That's amazing. You can text me to your question, which is so easy text ask Emily one word to 7979 7979. Let's ask Emily to 7979 7979. You can also email me on the website. Avia, ask Emily tab and as always include your name your age your gender where you live How you listen? This is Tracy 47 from Missouri. I'm a recent listener and I love your show. You've touched on some topics I'd like to hear more about.

I've been married for 25 years to my college sweetheart. After our 25th anniversary, I made a conscious decision to work on me and together we are working on us. We have two children and 19 year olds on and a 15 year old daughter. In a recent podcast, you touch on this topic of sex education. I truly believe that this has to start at home, but you're right. No kid is going to come up to mom with questions, even if you have a very open relationship and frequent discussions about sex. I find it easier to have these conversations with my

daughter. I'm seeking tips for moms to have the sex dialogue with sons and dads to have better sex conversations too. On the other hand, I'd like to have more advice for keeping a reigniting mature, long term relationships and how to keep this spark alive after so many years. Thanks for all the work you do. I'm still learning. Tracey, thank you so much for emailing this. So 25 years together, 25th anniversary, starting homo-side education. I guess we kind of touched on that. I understand why it's easier to have with your daughter. I feel like it's not censoring. Being as real as you can, if they're asking the questions, you got to answer them in the

most real way possible, but also you have to keep, I think it's that our job as parents, your job as parents, I'm not a parent, but it is to keep going back because they're learning new stuff every day. They might think about it like to learn something new, we've to hear it a few times, you do different ways. Your son was probably like, wow, dad's talking about, he might only remember like something shooting that looks like stoned out of his penis. He might not remember anything else around that.

Just better make sure nothing shoots out. You gotta keep going. What would you say to that part of it and then we can get into the steamy part? I say you always have to keep, and it's kind of serendipitous that your hands are here. I bet she's from St. Louis Or maybe she's not and that's where I'm from. That's where you live now. That's where I live now. Yeah

I think you have to talk to them on the age that they're on You know, so like for instance, I don't think they like for like my 11 year old doesn't need to know like about blow jobs And all that stuff right now like give him the him the basics and whatever age your kid is at, meet them where they're at. But the other thing too is always tell them that hey, this is an ongoing conversation. This is not like a one and done where you're gonna talk to me about it.

And then we're never gonna talk about it again. I'm your person that you can come talk to because I would rather my son view me as like, well, I can go talk to dad about it. I have to go talk to my friends about it. And find out things and I'll have to talk to dad about it. I have to go talk to my friends about it. Right. You know, and find out thing. And I'll have to go to YouTube about it.

Or whatever other site. You or YouTube. Yeah, you or YouTube. So yeah, just keeping the conversation open like that. Okay, that's good. Okay, also, let's, I know you got more tips than what you told me. She wants to reignite the spark, mature long-term relationships, how to get the spark after so many years.

We'll just stay there. You've got 15 years. Yeah. So number one, it's everything that we do outside the bedroom is what makes inside the bedroom so much better. Right. Yeah. But don't be afraid to do things different.

And I don't mean like, I mean, you don't have to get freaky with that. Like, so for instance, my wife and I are next date night. Like we're going to get kind of extravagant with it. So our next date, like I've known my wife for 22 years, we've been married for 14. Okay.

And so one of the things that we've talked about doing is going out on a date night, but going out separately. And like literally making a profile of the person that we are, like what we do for a living, all this other stuff. And then- A role, like a profile, like a tactic to each other.

Like a whole evening of that. Like a whole evening of that. And then like where we do for a living, all this other stuff. And then a robot, like a robot, like a taxi to each other. Like a whole evening. A robot, I love it. And then like where we actually meet each other at a restaurant or a bar, whatever we strike up a conversation, we already know exactly what person we are because we're gonna fill out like a questionnaire and we're gonna have a story behind it and all this. And then, that's hot.

No, I always say, a robot people like Roll the Rye that's so hard. I have a few friends who've done this sexy stranger. They just make it up. It's hard. You're like, there's my wife. I fell in love with her already. Right.

You're going to do this next week. We're playing on doing it here real soon. We've been kind of joking about it. Her brother just came over to help me move a fridge downstairs. We were joking about it. I was holding the fridge and her brother went to go do something. She's like, oh, you're my sexy delivery man. And then her brother came back.

He's like, what do you guys talk about? And my wife goes, he's my sexy delivery man. He's like, I don't want to hear you shit. Like, that's okay. That's true. These little things, like the next time I love it. Yeah. So we're gonna do that next time.

Good. Let me know how that goes. Okay, well, thank you for being here, Larry. Larry Hector, check them all out. The Good Dad Project. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken and Jamie and our volunteers Shannon and Jenny, producer Lark and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening.

Was it good for you? E-Mommy, feedback at sexwithamily.com. you