Sex With Emily - The Key to Sexual Confidence

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

What does it mean to be sexually confident? In my opinion, it comes from a sense of security in who you are, what you bring to the table, and knowing that it’s OK to ask questions. It’s not having all the answers, because let’s be honest: sex would be boring if we knew everything already. But when your self-image takes a hit, how do you recover your sexual confidence and combat performance anxiety? I’m talking to callers with precisely that question. What do you do when your partner keeps talking about how hot strangers are, even when you told them it makes you uncomfortable? What happens when you’re not maintaining your erections, and it’s causing anxiety? How about when your partner is more sexual than ever – but not towards you? All this and more in today’s sexual confidence episode.Show Notes:3 Sexual Stereotypes to Stop Believing About Vulva Owners3 Sexual Stereotypes to Stop Believing About Penis OwnersPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasurePenuma.com/PodcastI Gave My Friend a Magic Wand Mini. Here’s Why. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yes, if you feel it and something's hurting you and you're feeling like it's making you, you know, feel bad about yourself or not trusting in your partner wherever it is, then guess what you guys, it's legit. I'm here to tell you that your feelings are real, what you're feeling in the moment is okay, it's cool to share it with a loving, open partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So, what does it mean to be sexually confident? In my opinion, it comes from a sense of security in who you are and what you bring to the table, and knowing that it's okay to ask questions. It's not having all the answers, because let's be honest. Sex would be boring if we knew everything already. But when yourself image takes a hit, how do you recover your sexual confidence and combat performance anxiety? I'm talking to collars with precisely that question.

What to do when your partner keeps talking about how hot strangers are, even when you told them it makes you uncomfortable. What happens when you're not maintaining your erections and it's causing anxiety? Or how about when your partner is more sexual than ever, but not towards you. All this and more in today's sexual confidence episode. Intentions with Emily, free chat, I want to start off by setting intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same.

My intention is to remind you that our confidence is always in the state of flux, and if your sexual confidence is low today, or anytime, no worries. With the right tools, you can cultivate sexual security whether you're single or partnered. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, sexual stereotypes to stop believing about vulva owners and sexual stereotypes to stop believing about penis owners are up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And by the way, my TikTok is up and running right now,

so please check it out. If you wanna ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com, such as, ask Emily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex, or 559 825 577 39. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and you can change your name or choose your main anonymous. It's all good. Before we get into the show, real quick, I'm coming out with a book and I'm so excited to share it all with you. So it comes out June 13th. It's a compilation of my life's work

and it's really gonna change your life too. I know it, it's called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. And what I need from you right now, and I don't ask you for a lot. I really don't, but I'm gonna ask you a huge, huge favor. And I really hope you can pre-order the book because it really helps get the book

into as many hands as possible. And we want it to become a best seller, so everybody has great sex. You can pre-order it, sexwithendily.com, just go to the drop down menu, select new book, and it's super easy from there, or you can easily go to these show notes. So just pre-order it, you can work across

at your library, it's a period of many bookstores, just pre-order. I appreciate you so much. Thanks everyone, enjoy this episode. P.O.R.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R.E.R. back. So think about it. When you think about sex, we hear about performance anxiety and that's pretty much always been labeled a guy thing, right? Oh, he comes too quickly or he can't stay hard long enough and it's a lot of pressure on men. However, women also suffer similar bedroom challenges and it can definitely mess with desire and rob women of satisfying sexual experiences.

So let me give you an example of this female performance anxiety. She might be worried when she's naked. What do I look like? What's my partner thinking that I look like? What does she smell like or taste like down there? Does my partner really want to be there anyway? She wonders whether she's doing it right. Does she have all the right moves or all the wrong moves?

And she just wants no M.I. pleasing my partner. And then the biggest stressor and I can totally relate to this taking too long to climax. And if I'm taking too long, will I even get there at all? We wonder if we're going to orgasm. And so this whole thing, all this pre-orgasmic angst is actually the FPA female performance anxiety. I've had these thoughts, I've had times, and they actually don't necessarily go away. I'm not saying you're never gonna have this kind of anxiety, but it's very common for women to be with a partner and think,

do they want to be doing this? I even have moments with my current partner. We have great communication and I'll think, okay, this is taking longer and I'll say, babe, are you cool? I know it's taking longer. He's like, yeah, yeah, I've got this. I'm in. I've got all night. I will be here. Even though I know of a partner who's loving and he's in it

Sometimes even I need to ask for that. So what I'm saying is be okay with asking for what you need and taking that time And I think what's really helpful and I've said this and I want to remind this to a lot of people out there if you are with a woman So the best things you can say is don't worry babe, I've got all night, I'm not going anywhere, I can't wait to please you, pleasing you, gives me so much pleasure, it's really hot, now lay back, I've got this. However you want to say that, helping women ease this anxiety so we can actually have the pleasure that we want,

because let's be honest, it's not always easy. Our orgasms are like not as simple as men's, right? So we need a little bit more support from our partners. And yes, a lot of the work comes from quelling our own thoughts and our own anxieties. Because what happens is when we're really anxious about things, when our brain's just in this, does that part of what are we doing it?

Does he think I've gained weight? Or I don't feel so great. Our brain is caught up in this warrole of anxious thoughts. And it's literally impossible at that time when our brain is consumed to fully be in our bodies and fully allow us to experience that pleasure when our brain is just freaking out about all these other thoughts.

We're essentially in that fight or flight mode where we're like, oh my God, I'm so anxious that it's gonna happen to me and we can't rest into our bodies. So here's some tips to kind of eradicate that anxiety. You know, I love this one. Touch yourself. Solo sex that does help with everyday stress.

It releases all those field good chemicals and hormones through your body. And it's also a great way to learn what satisfies you, what turns you on. So then you could relate to your partner when it's taking too long or it's just your partner is just not quite getting it. You know, you are the expert of your own body. There is nobody else who knows your body as well as you do, but that takes some work. So when you figure that out, you can let them know. You can say, this is what I need because you've done that that fun work of touching yourself. Silence those negative thoughts, easier said than done. However, being confident in yourself is the biggest turn on to yourself

and to others. Also, this is where I talk about the senses, you guys. Engaging your senses on every level will help you feel more present in the mood. Relaxing with certain sense turns out essential oils. You know I'm a big fan of lighting candles, but essential oils, which I did not know, a lavender-centred massage candle can double as a relaxing and a sultry for-play treat. So I love a massage candle. It's a two-fer. It smells great. And then you pour the warm massage oil and lavender. It helps, helps for a relaxing. I know lavender is great for relaxation, like in spas and stuff. But to

think about it in the moment during sex makes total sense. Finally, watch your breath. I'm telling you, when we are holding our breath, which we often do in more anxious, it's really hard to fully experience the range of sensations and pleasure that we should be feeling. So when you feel that your breath is probably short and I'm telling you, usually when I check in with myself, it is during sex, I just take really long deep breaths. I like breathe in, really deep. I try to picture it going deep into my pelvic floor and then moving back up through my body. So it's a really deep inhale and exhale.

And these will help you pull you out of that anxious place and anchor you in your body. So we can get rid of all this anxiety. We actually have tests 31 in Colorado and she's got a comment. I've had anxiety. I can very much relate to it. You've got the feeling of, you know, being in my head and not really being able to be in my body during sex. And that's how I say

it helps me to frame it in that way to think about it like being in my head or in my body and especially during sex. And so sometimes it helps to ground me and to connect with my partner when I can focus on just like, so even just like one area, you know, one sensation. It doesn't, you can choose to focus, you know, where it's like on the lips or whatever that might be. And then to channel like coming back into my body

and getting out of my head through that sensation. Yeah. And so I don't know if that helps at all, that helps that type of thing. No, that does help. That's exactly... It's focused. No, test that's so helpful.

That's exactly it. Finding, you know, yeah, thank you, test. That's exactly it. That's like the sense is. You could even just say, you know, something that I do as well, test super helpful. Like, I'll say, focus on what I'm feeling right like she's right because when we're anxious It means we're in her head so to be like my hands are my partner's body

What does it feel like to have my hands touching his waist? What did my lips feel like on his lips and then that's touch right then that's a sensation of touch It could be sent. What does he smell like you know and and every time and yeah You could just pick one because I used to say do all five senses and that might be overwhelming in the moment. Like what do I smell? What do I hear? But one Just going to what is my body feel like skin on skin or what am I feeling? And sometimes you have to go back to it, right? Yeah, you get to get like smells or like yeah, anything like that is just helpful for me to come back down. Yeah, exactly. So thank you, Tess. Appreciate it. So helpful.

This is from Nico32 in Seattle. Hello, Dr. Emily. What are my friends told me about your podcast? And I've been listening to it pretty much non-stop. I love the show. My question is this. How do I deal with my body image issues, specifically about the size of my penis? So, it's a little below average, about 5.6 inches, fully racked, and while flaccid, it doesn't really hang. It kind of looks like a button. Yes, I'm a bit overweight, I'm 6'1", and 254 pounds, and I know that doesn't help.

However, my penis has looked this way my whole life, even when I was 189 pounds. I've only ever had sex with one person. We were together for 13 years. I am now attempting to get back into the dating game. However, my negative body image issues are absolutely destroying myself confidence. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. Well, I'm so happy you found the show. You've definitely come to the right place, Nico. And listen, many of us struggle to feel confident in our bodies, honestly, it's a daily practice for many of us. So just wanna normalize that. It can definitely manifest itself in the dating scene.

And one of the most attractive things in a partner is confidence. So it is worthwhile looking at our relationship to confidence. I'm gonna dress that in a minute though, but first let me set something straight about your penis. Okay, let's just talk facts. I know that you think your penis size is a little below average, but that's actually not true.

We had our resident penis doctor, Dr. Cartman on the show last month, and he told us that the average penis length in this country is 5 and a quarter inches, so you're actually above average Niko in the United States. So take that in. And I'm not exactly sure where this six inch myth came from. Probably something to do with porn, but I can assure you that your partners are not busting out their mental measuring tapes

when you have sex, okay? That's not a thing. In fact, if you're with a vulva owner, our greatest pleasure is probably not gonna come from anything that has to do with your penis. Usually our pleasure comes from the fingers, toys, or a mouth. That's where the magic happens.

That said, if it is deeply affecting your confidence in the bedroom or in the dating scene, I learned something new, and I always wanted to share with you that I learned about the penuma implant. Penas owners can get surgically implanted to enhance the growth and expand the flaccid length of their penis. Now remember that all penis owners are growers and not showers. I don't even know where this shower thing came from.

I'm telling you most of us are growers. So when you say your penis doesn't really hang, that's completely normal. However, if you would like your penis to be a little longer when flaccid and it will boost your confidence, this procedure is FDA-cleared and can increase your penis size by 1-2 inches. And I want to be clear, please, that I am not recommending you need to get this. But when I found out about Ponyuma, I thought about, well, I would never tell a woman not to get breast implants if it would boost her confidence. I have a lot of friends and a lot of people I know who have gotten breast implants,

people I didn't even know. And then I realize it like a lot of them have. So I think the same should go for penis owners. I just want to provide you with all the information and resources possible. So if you want to learn more, you can go to penuma.com slash podcast at pnumay.com slash podcast. Or just click the link in our show notes. Okay. But now we've discussed your penis size, which is just a little part of this. Let's step back and discuss your overall body image issues. Everyone's relationship with their bodies is a journey. Okay.

You're all in a journey. I don't know anyone who isn't to be honest. And that fluctuates over time. Like I said, even every single day, some days you wake up, you're feeling great. Next day, not so much. So even if you're already struggling with a negative body image, it can be really hard to go from disliking to loving your body. Right? How do we go from not liking your body and then being like, Oh, today, I love my body, which, you know, a lot of you will can't preach like, oh, I love my body. So I just want to recommend learning to accept or even just feeling neutral about your body. Body neutrality is a real thing.

Because when we hate our body as well, it's really hard to go from like, I hate my body and low. Let me feel sexy in the moment and be turned on by my partner. Like, it's really hard. Why this practice of body neutrality is important. And before you can feel comfortable with your body and another person, you know, we want to work on some practices. So the first one I recommend is standing in front of the mirror naked. I know it's going to be hard for some people, but it really is an important step. I put a mirror right outside my closet.

So I can't really avoid it. Even days I don't want to, there's my mirror. And you can just start with five minutes and then work your way up over time. And out loud, I want you to say the things that you're grateful for about your body. I'm grateful for my legs, taking me all the place I need to go. I'm grateful for my hips, providing me a strength and stability. I love the color of my eyes. You know, I love that it allows me to stand out from the crowd that I have these beautiful eyes or I like my hair or I like the strength I like the way my hands allow me to pick things up or play an instrument

or drive my car. See what I'm saying? In every moment, we have so much to be grateful for and I know grateful you're like, whatever our gratitude, blah, blah, blah, but the reason why everyone recommends gratitude is because it works. Even in moments of sadness and despair, we can find some things to be grateful for. You know, especially the parts of your body that are more self-conscious about, every time a negative thought comes up, try to let it pass. Think of the

one thing that you are grateful for of your body. It'll be a lot more easier to access once you do the mirror exercise. I'm counteracted with appreciation of what that body part does for you. Beyond your body image, you might also be feeling a little bit nervous about dating in general, since you've only ever been with one person and you're with that person for a really long time. And I want to remind you that dating is a muscle. It is a muscle and we don't date. We kind of forget how to do it. So if you connect with someone over an app,

say yes to the date and meet in real life. Never this texting back and forth. Make a plan to meet, go for a walk, meet for a cup of coffee. Like that's okay. It can only be an hour or two at most of your life. If you don't want to be with someone right away, it's one hour.

You had to have coffee anyway, right? Maybe you wanted to get in your steps that day. We have nothing to lose by connecting with someone. I feel in dates that I've said yes to that weren't such great dates. I always take something away from it. Either I learn what I definitely want in a partner or what I don't want, or I use to find things

and dating apps and I go like, I to make sure that I've learned this about dating apps. Like if someone says this, it might mean this, right? I always try to like walk away from it, what I've learned. And sometimes I just learned something new. Like they told me to their favorite restaurant in LA that I didn't know about before. And to me, that's worth it, right? It's worth it. Nothing to lose. And if the date is even somewhat enjoyable, say yes to the second date. We often make first impressions about people, but how could you really know about someone after only an hour? So I want to

just tell you all that if the first date is good, even it's not great and you're on the fence, say yes to a second date. Plus, the more you practice, you know, have it and meet out with people, leave the house, the less intimidating and scary it will be. So we are building this muscle. And again, I know and meet out with people, leave the house, the less intimidating and scary it will be. So we are building this muscle. And again, I know you've been with one person, but I can assure you there are so many other amazing people

out there who would love to meet you. So Nico, thank you. Thank you for your question and I hope this helps. And I know this is gonna help a lot of other listeners. Appreciate you. Stick around because when we're back, I'm talking penis performance anxiety and what to do when your partner keeps making comments about other people.

Alright, let's talk to Calvin 52 and Louisville Conducty. Hi, Calvin, thanks for calling. How can I help? Oh yeah, so I've got a bit of a concern. I've been married for 32 years. I'm actually 50-spect. My wife is going through, I guess, a phase. And also she's working out.

She's taking supplements. And she's noticing other men now. We've been married in college, and I'm trying to, you know, kind of, kind of, try to mentally deal with that. Yeah. Not something that, you know, that I've experienced, but we've experienced in our relationship. She's one out. She bought a couple of vibrators. Nice. that I've experienced, but we've experienced in our relationship. She's one out. She bought a couple of vibrators.

Nice. For personal use. All right. I think that's OK. And so help me get used to it. Yeah, Calvin, I will. I will. I mean, thank you.

I think, OK, so Calvin, first off, how is your relationship right now? Like, how is your intimate relationship with your wife currently? Well, for her, I think it's more what we are in a minute. We have sex maybe twice a week. Okay. It's more so whenever she chooses to, I've kind of backed away from approaching her. Why? You know, she's very well, because I kind of lost the little self-confidence. Okay. Because she gained confidence, you think? Do you think that her gaining confidence

has caused you to lose confidence? You know that could be it, partly because again, with her using the vibrators and being open about it, that in itself is kind of... Oh, I get it. It's a new thing. Yeah. No, I understand that. Like, 30 years you've been together. It's like, what are these vibrators?

It feels like a violation. I totally get that, Calvin. And like I said, she's taking supplements. At one point in time, she's taking testosterone. That could be part of it for sure. That she has this new sex drive. Have you guys talked about this at all, Calvin? This just sounds like you have to have a conversation

with her about intimacy and your sex life and how it's making you feel and what you might want right now from it. Right. So I have, and what I've realized is for most of our marriage, she's had, I'm not going to say she's had a lack of a sex drive, but my sex drive has always been higher than hers. And so she wanted to have a sex drive herself. And so she sought medical assistance. She went to her clinic and, like I said, she's on homeones now. And so she's having this sex drive. And like I said, it almost seems as if I'm not adequate enough anymore. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Because of the toys, you mean, because of that. So here's the thing. I talk a lot about sex toys on the show, and I recommend them a lot for couples, because in a way, it's really not something that takes away from your relationship. It doesn't have to be. Typically, it's an enhancement. It's something new. It's something that can help her have orgasms.

It can feel great for you too. So I feel like, and I get that all this is happening at once. She's changing her body. But I'm here to tell you that all the years of Medusa Calvin, no one's ever been replaced by a vibrator. And in fact, the majority of couples who finally start using one together after they get past this are like, oh my god, it feels amazing. I love watching her

in pleasure. I love how it feels on my shaft. We like using it together. It just becomes another element to your sex life because sex lives are going to become a little dull after a while. So I feel like I understand because I hear this all the time, but it's not the reality of the situation. So I think I know I need to understand that and I gather like I said it's not just the vibrators. It's everything. Yeah, and like I said, she was a virgin, but when we met and when we got married and so I just don't know if it's if it's time that she's thinking Maybe she needs you know something I don't think so Calvin if you talk to her about it. Have you like outside the bedroom? It sounds like this is all just happening

It just happened last few months last year or so Yep last last few months. Okay. Oh last few months that quote. Yeah, I think you got to have a talk with her and just say I And first you've just start out and this is like outside the bedroom when you're hanging out chilling watching TV, going for a walk and just say, you know what, I've noticed lately, I'm so proud of you. You took your health into, you know, your proud of her that she's taking care of herself and she looks so beautiful or whatever her, if that would feel good at her, letting her know how she feels and how she looks, and said,

I want to be a part of this. Like, I, I love seeing you so in your body and I want to, you know, show me a bit of your toys or, you know, or ask her questions about it too. You could even, I mean, you've been there for 30 years. I think that leading with like that you're not slamming her, you're celebrating her decision to take her health and turn on hands and letting her know

that it's making you feel a little bit insecure. I mean, I think it's okay to share that with your partner and asking her like without blaming her, like in a very like just letting her know how it makes you feel leading with your feeling words. Got you. Okay. Start with that one conversation, Calvin. And I think also you should initiate sex with her too.

Like I think that she would want that, but you have to remember that it's your head saying I shouldn't. So she asked her what she wants right now. You know she's new as well. She's in a new place now too so you could say tell me what your fantasies are. Tell me what you're thinking about. Maybe she's got this new sex drive that will also amp your sex drive because a lot of it isn't our heads anyway. Getting our brains on board for sex. So just try to have some healthy conversations Calvin. Keep me posted. Thanks for calling. We have an email here from healthy conversations, Calvin. Keep me posted. Thanks for calling. We even email here from Michaela.

She's 23 in Georgia. My boyfriend of three years is very honest. He doesn't like to keep anything from me or he feels it's lying. He likes to play, who would you rather have sex with with me? He also likes to point out hot girls to me or talk about how hot a girl is to his friends in front of me.

Even in vacation, he said I was more lucky because I had more hot guys to look at than he had hot girls to look at. I know that everyone thinks these things but is it unfair for me to ask him at least to keep it to himself or am I taking too much crap. I've brought it up to before that I don't love it that much and he replies, do you want me to lie? First of all, the one thing I want to point is, I don't know that everyone thinks it. So you're making an assumption here, McKill, that you think every guy is just sitting

or going or every girl is going, oh man, that person's hot, but I'm not gonna hurt my eyes or I'm not gonna look at them. I'm gonna pretend it doesn't happen. Yes, we all notice someone hot, but I'm telling you, not every guy or every woman is that focused on what else is going around them when they're in a relationship with their partner.

Yeah, you might notice someone, but it's not like you feel the need to share that. So I don't think that this is particularly like, you know, again, everyone does this kind of thing. So it definitely exists on the planet for sure. So I think you absolutely have to let him know. For you, it doesn't feel right. And I, this doesn't feel right to me either. Like if I was with a guy and we're on this vocation together, right? I mean, two favorite words, vocation sex, vocation's about sex and intimacy and enhancing your relationship.

If I, guys, like, look at that chick, I mean, come on, we're all just like two steps from being insecure about things and relationships often, right? Like, let's just, you know, I can insecure, we all do. So if I, the guy who's constantly going like, oh, I don't even have a bikini today,

or oh god, look at her legs, right? I'm five foot two, and he's talking to me. You're looking at some like six foot tall woman. That just could be really disconcerting and it goes both ways. So I think you're totally fine to say to him, I know you're thinking it, but I'd much rather hear

what you see when you look at me. Or actually babe, no, I'm not saying you're looking at other guys, I'm just looking at you and thinking how lucky I am that I get to have sex with you because you're to me, you're the only guy in the beach or you're the most attractive or whatever doesn't sound cheesy to you. But I think the reason why he's doing it though, I just don't think you're a bad guy, right? I think that this is just maybe how he grew up because friends are like this, his buddies

are like that, maybe his previous girlfriends were cool with it, but that doesn't mean that you need to be okay with it. He doesn't have to share it with you. Now he might find this to be a turn on, right? So saying like, would you rather have sex with me? This one or that one? I could see in a celebrity game being like, who's your celebrity crush, but to constantly be that person or that person in real life is number one, exhausting.

And number two, it doesn't feel very safe. Women report the highest level of sexual satisfaction when we feel safe. We feel like we can trust someone. So if our partners constantly like spreading all this love or spreading all this interest in all these other people, I would not feel safe. And I would not feel like I was not safe

if they're gonna hurt me, but like safe in our love and our commitment. So there could be a lot of reasons why he's doing this, and maybe he could find another way to scratch that itch rather than point out all the other hot girls around you. And I think this is something that I'm, yeah, sure, guys, probably I'm sure men and women do it when they're alone with their friends, but I think that in the past,

when this has happened in relationships, I've actually had guys say to me, do you mind, or like, how do you feel about me pointing out other women? Like, would you think that was hot? And I was like, every once in a while, would be kind of fun, you know, to say that. But I'm really glad they asked.

And I think in the past, I do remember being with those guys who just their head, like their neck turns every time you walk down the street cause they're looking at someone else or they're saying things. Isn't that just, I think I let them know that I just, I didn't need to hear it. Didn't feel great to me.

I'm totally cool with them having those thoughts, but there's so many of things to talk about. It does seem like it's a little bit intense. It's that he's doing it all the time. I'm wondering what he needs from this game. I'm wondering what he's getting from it. If he knows that it's going to get an interest, if he knows Mikaela, that it's going to spark this incense in you that you're gonna say something, or does he maybe does think it's hot,

or maybe he thinks it'd be hot. If you guys had a threesome or watch porn together with another woman, I'm not sure what else this means. All you guys are asking is it okay? Is it okay? Yes, if you feel it and something's hurting you and you're feeling like it's making you,

you know, feel bad about yourself or not trusting in your partner, whatever it is, then guess what, you guys, it's legit. I'm here to tell you that your feelings are real, what you're feeling in the moment is okay, and it's cool to share it with a loving, open partner. This next call is from Jimmy's 49 in Texas, and he's struggling to relax during sex. Hey, Jim, thanks for calling. I guess, mostly worrying about getting interaction I get. Okay, because you haven't been getting one lately? Or...

Um, that is, again, it's very inconsistent. Okay. And at times, like, I've actually lost some weight, and I've exercised in a lot more, and I've been in a lot more things, and I've been dead for seven years, but I've actually had a harder time getting an erection.

Okay. Have you tried like, have you, you know, you've taken any medications? No. Okay. And also have you gotten your testosterone checked, your hormone levels checked? I have not. That's where I would send you first. I'm telling you, you know, over 40, you're with the men, your testosterone levels drop,

and if there's, if you're otherwise living a healthy lifestyle, I would think that losing weight and exercising and being healthy would never impact. And if you're still into your partner and you're still like enjoying that there's not like resentment spilled up and it's just really like oh my god my penis usually stays hard and now it's not or can't get hard. Then I would um I would talk to your doctor and get your your levels checked. I'm really relaxed that's it's work to watch better obviously but then other times I'm almost ahead of time times, I'm almost

ahead of time thinking of him and I have a problem with him. Right. Okay, so this is so great. So, Jim, this is like the classic. This happens to everybody, men and women, and we're like, am I going to, it only has to happen one time for guys sometimes to premature ejaculate or not get hard, and then they all, it becomes like the self-affilling prophecy, right? Like self-affilling penis, I've tried to be like, self-affilling penis prophecy that you're

like, oh, I'm not going to get hurt, I'm not going to stare at it and then it's going to happen. So, I would say that it's really about retraining your brain and this is just the same. Have you ever done any like mindfulness or meditation exercises? The thing I want to tell you is that we all do this during sex. We like orgasm block ourself or we get so in our heads about, how do I look? What is my partner think? Or that, like, I'm not going to have an orgasm because I never have an orgasm.

And then sure enough, you're not going to have an orgasm. So my best tips is that, like, go easy on yourself. But then also learn to kind of retrain your brain to, when you're in that moment, like, the second your thought goes to, I'm not going to have an orgasm. You have to replace it with, for me, what works is being in the moment. Like, okay, I go to that thought and then I think, oh, I'm not gonna have an orgasm, you have to replace it with, for me what works is being in the moment. Like, okay, I go to that thought, and then I think, oh, I'm looking at my partner. I'm feeling my hands on their body.

I try to incorporate all of my senses, so like touch my hands on my partner's body. I'm seeing my partner's beautiful face. I'm smelling this amazing candle that I just let, I'm hearing the music, and when you anchor yourself in what's happening present time in the moment, you can't be in your head tripping about an erection or about your orgasm. It just it immediately drops into the moment

and I do that even when I'm just like during the day if I'm stressed about something I try to remember to do that. So that also can help you during sex. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com.

And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ you