Sex With Emily - The Mask of Masculinity with Lewis Howes

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

Masculinity takes many forms. On today’s show Emily is joined by podcaster and author Lewis Howes to discuss his new book, The Mask of Masculinity, which takes a look at what keeps men from true intimacy and how to overcome it! Emily and Lewis explore the emotional repression and lack of resources available to young men when it comes to understanding the difference between what they “should be,” and who they actually are. Lewis also shares his own story of “wearing masks”, and how he got himself out of it to be a better, happier person. Tune in for an insightful and moving story, along with tools to figure out if you or a loved one have been trapped behind a mask! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: RX Bar, DONA, Intensity, Adam & Eve Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Lewis House, host of the School of Greatness podcast, and author of the new book, The Mask of Masculinity. This was a really personal discussion about Lewis' pivotal journey. We talk about how men can learn to embrace their vulnerability so they can have healthier relationships, live their fullest lives, and experience greater success both personally and professionally. This episode is also filled with great advice for women to really understand the emotionally challenged men in their lives and how to fully support them. We get into some of your questions on this very topic, too.

This is a heartfelt episode, and I know you'll love it. Enjoy the show. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute

The girls got a hair stand. Oh my the women know about shrinkage isn't it common? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here so long. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out our website. We're updating it every day with great content, blogs, videos, everything that you need to have better sex relationships and be a better version of yourself. Because, you know, let's be honest, we're having great sex. Sometimes aren't going so great in your life,

especially your relationship. So this month, it's still October, and guess what? We are talking about sexy, trick, or treats. I know it's Halloween, and we what we are talking about sexy trick or treats I know it's Halloween and we want you know We want you guys to make it your own so if you email me by October I'm actually ready to leave you till November 1st. I want to know your sexiest tricks Like is there you would go to move in the bedroom that works for you every single time of you master like multiple organisms

What is that for you? What is that one thing that you're like, I got this or a treat? Is there a favorite rabbit vibrator? Is there something that you need to have in the bedroom? It's a requirement. I have to wear these sexy underworks. They make me feel the best or a lube. You know, I talk about the treats.

So let me know your sexiest trick or treats by November 1st, email me feedback at sexwithmley.com. Put Halloween in the subject. We'll be getting a lot of emails and you know we're going to give you amazing sexy prizes because that's how we roll. So happy Halloween. Thank you so much. Before I get to my next move here, my next step, I have got a fellow podcaster, author, extraordinary man, Lewis House.

Hi, Lewis. Good to see you. Good to see you too. I'm going to give you everyone your whole run out in a minute, but I'm going to talk about how important it is. He is a podcast called the School of Greatness and it is a great, truly a great podcast. And I was just about to talk about how important it is for people to subscribe to podcasts and why that makes a difference in our lives. It's important. It helps a lot. It helps get the message out there. You have

a message that tries to help people live their fullest lives through sex, through the sexuality, things like that. Being in their body, and if people don't subscribe or share, it's hard for you to impact more people and really leave a lasting mark on those people. So it's important to subscribe and always share your biggest insight and biggest takeaway from every episode of every single one. Share it out, email a friend, text a friend, let them know, and have them subscribe as well. Exactly. God, you're so hired.

That's good. Thank you. Also, you guys found me in social media because that's always a good time. It's at sex with Emily everywhere you go. I am there. I promise. So my guest today is Lewis House. He's an old friend.

It's funny. You want me? 2011? 2011? Was that what my hot sex book launched because you were really into hot sex at the time that's right No, that's that we can actually funny getting that sorry, but I met him six years ago in New York We had mutual friends and but now he's the best-selling author entrepreneur He created the school of greatness and the podcast came first correct

Podcast came first and then people just wanted more information and I put together the book He did right. He's got a best-selling book and it's kind of built around the philosophy that's encouraging people to go deeper with themselves to become the best version of themselves in all aspects of their lives. And so you interviewed truly great people. And what a lot to say. And it was very successful. It still is very successful, your podcast.

And your most recent book is a departure from that because you've had a lot of success. And we're going to hear it get into your old story, but it's called the Mask of Masculinity, how men can embrace vulnerability, create strong relationships, and live their fullest lives. Now, before you like, shout out, you're like, vulnerability, what? That's for chicks. No, no, we're getting into all that today. So congratulations on your book. I really, really enjoyed it. That's what Lewis is here to talk about today. About a lot of things. Excited to be here.

Sounds weird hearing your voice and being next to you. It's like I'm in the podcast for the first time. It feels, you know, you hear your voice as a listener. You're like, wow, now I'm actually in it. It's like very meta, you know, right? It is. I know. I was just, yeah, I've been listening to yours. I know. I'm really glad because we talked about this through years ago. And it's funny. I was thinking about, because there's been there's so many questions for you, because I know you've been through a lot since I first met you. We were actually on a reality show together. Yes, we were. In 2000.

I was kind of forced to be on it. You were getting paid to be on it as one of the stars. Barely, but right. And I was kind of manipulated. Yes. I was a mutual friend of ours said, hey, come out to this thing and support my friends and just be there as my guest, a friend of mine.

And I was like, okay, what I don't want to be on this show. And then right away, literally when I walk in the door, she's like, meet Amy and you should take her on a date and this and this. And I'm like, what? Who is this? Why? First of all, no, I'm not really interested in this person and no, not on TV.

Exactly. And the producers are like, wooing me and wowing me and like, will you please ask her for her number? Will you please ask her number? I don't know. This was at my book launch, too, which they never filmed before. wooing me and wowing me and like, will you please ask her for her number? Will you please ask her number? This was at my book launch too. You're book launch party. You never filmed any of this. They cut out the book launch part, but they were all about. I'm going to promote all of these books. Great. I didn't sell

goddamn book from that, but Louis looked up at what he went out with Amy. There was three, and again, we're not trying to get you to watch the show, although you could if you're really interested. I think it's going to hide you. But it's about three single dating experts. Do we practice what we preached? It's called misadvised. It was on Bravo and Lewis got fixed up on a date and I didn't know that it was a whole thing getting you to go out with her.

But that's how we met and then we ran into each other here after we both moved to LA and you had your podcast. But I think it's funny because then we were, because now you're like removing your masks, the masculinity and then maybe your masks were still on. Oh yeah, I mean, I've always worn a lot of masks. I think as a driven, achieving athletes. I want to, yeah, let's tell it to your story,

because not everybody, let's pretend they don't know you. Some of them don't know you yet. Yeah, from Ohio, and I was just very driven to achieve in sports, and I'll talk about why in a second. But my entire life, I wrapped my identity around being a great athlete. And if I didn't win, I was a sore loser, and so I just drove to always win in sports, and to get bigger, faster, stronger. And it worked. I was great in high school, college, I played professional football for a little bit. And then I got injured and for a couple of years

was in Ohio on my sister's couch, trying to figure out who am I. My whole identity was wrapped around being an athlete. Now I can't be an athlete. What do I even know about life or anything other than sports? And so was trying to figure life out as like a young 20-year-old something guy and started getting into business I had a lot of mentors who were kind of guiding me

And eventually kind of took off and this one business sold it and realized that Things don't want working for me even though I had been successful in sports Made a lot of money in business and sold this company eventually after a number of years I was still like, why am I just insecure and unhappy and afraid and jealous and comparing constantly? And I turned 30, moved to LA, I guess I was 29 when I moved here, but I was around 30 when I was going through a very toxic relationship that I didn't have the emotional capacity as a man to say what I needed to say

and to remove myself from the environment. The intimacy was so powerful for me. The intimacy, the sex, the connection there was so profound. That was too much. That was the problem. So it was too much. I was like, if I leave, I mean, never have this again. Okay.

That's what everyone thinks when they're actually related. It was like, yeah, but then, so for 5% of the relationship was powerful in those moments. The other 95% it was like the most toxic volatile experience of my life. That was so stressful. And I was always on eggshells, right? It's just like, didn't matter what I said,

what I did, what I looked at, didn't look at it was like, I was wrong, you know, as a man in the relationship. And so all I was trying on eggshells, right? So it's like, didn't matter what I said, what I did, what I looked at, didn't look at, it was like, I was wrong, you know, as a man in the relationship. And so all I was trying to do was please the relationship, like please hurt and make her feel happy. So I think most guys want to make their partner happy. Yeah, they do. And when they're not happy, then they say, okay, well, what can I do to make you happy?

I didn't have the emotional vocabulary and language on how to express myself. So I started to express myself with anger. I started to get defensive when someone would attack me online or tweet at me something about whatever I would respond back for days to defend myself. I would go play basketball and work out to kind of get this aggression out. This is like frustrating feeling I was having. And anytime that anyone on the mean streets of West Hollywood would step to me on a basketball game, I would like scream at them, shove them, like I wanted someone

to fight me. I was like, bring it on. Let's do this. And then no stakes game of pick a basketball. Right. Because you just, right, you you just gotta get it out. Cause you can't talk to your girlfriend about anything. You had to give me, right. And so all these things kind of came to a head when I got in a really bad fight. You know, four years ago, I beat the crap out of someone on a basketball court. Like it finally happened where I instigated someone enough.

He hit me and it gave me like the right in my mind to fight back. Okay. And it was just bad because... You were not a fighter before this. Your Sandy Grash was coming out because you weren't able to deal with the so many emotions and the relationship.

I mean, the last fight was like in high school or something. Right, okay. But yeah, no, I played football. I was able to hit people and be the way with it because it's illegal, you know what I mean? So I was my ability to do that. But when I didn't know how to express myself, I was like, well, what do I do?

Right. How do I get to this out there? It's not was like, well, what do I do? How do I get this out there? It's like conscious, obviously. It's just like, right. So this was a moment in my life where I was like, things are not working. I'm achieving financial results. People looking at my podcasts is taking off. These things are working.

Pretty much every goal I set out to do, I made happen. Pretty much everything. Right. You know, I could get great. Girl do, I made happen. Pretty much everything. Right. You know, I could get great. Like, girlfriends, I could, you know, make money. I was like figuring it out, but I was suffering constantly inside. How did you know you were in subtle

if you had all these great things? What did you walk around feeling angry, feeling less than comparing yourself to others? Same-pull, guilty, embarrassed. I mean, the whole imposter syndrome maybe, like I have success, but I feel like, I know you don't go to work. Here-pull, guilty, embarrassed. I mean, the whole impostor syndrome maybe, I have success, but I feel like it or no, you don't go to jail. Here's what I realized is people didn't actually know who I was, that I was constantly projecting a false sense of who I was to in the world.

I acted like I had it always figured out that I had the answers that I was smarter than I actually was. I thought you did. I was projecting a false sense of masculinity to try to look good and to try to be okay in the world. I started to, for the first time ever, like ask for feedback. You know, 30 years old and I was like, okay,

all these things aren't work. After this fight, I was like ran back to my condo in West Hollywood and like was in my bathroom washing off the blood of my hands. Blood is all over the court. And the police department is like right across the street. And I'm like, I could have lost everything at this moment. There's one stupid decision to have like respond in this way

in a weak-minded way by allowing myself to hit someone. It's so weak if you think about it. And what if someone had a knife? What if the cops were there and I went to jail? Like all the things that I've worked hard for my whole life could have been over or could have had like a mark on me in some way. And I remember just looking in the mirror myself,

just like shaking. I was like, what is wrong with you? Why are you this way? Why do you always respond with anger? Why are you always frustrated? Why are you always defensive in sports, but then in relationships in every area of your life? And you were still in this relationship at the time, kinda?

Still I was like trying to get out of it. You got to mean, but I was thinking we were in that relationship typically, because men are like trying or they think, that was a coward. It was terrifying to me, because I was afraid to be alone as well. And I was afraid I would never have that intimacy again.

And so I did the first thing, I was just like, it was kind of like, it wasn't total rock bottom, but it was like emotional rock bottom. I was going to say it was at your emotional rock bottom. I remember I literally was sitting in my apartment for two weeks, and I watched 88 episodes of Weeds, you know, the show Weeds. Yeah. Yeah. Like I literally didn't leave for two weeks. I was just like laying, I mean, I got up and did whatever got food ever now and then, but I was pretty much in my bed watching weeds every single day. This was the one thing on.

It was the thing on I just watched a couple of. I was like, I really cooked whatever I was from the beginning. And I was like, oh, there's 10 episodes, 10 seasons. Let me just go through them all. And I just like, wouldn't sleep. I'll just watch TV all day long. It was in my escape for me. Right. And I started to ask for feedback. I was like, okay,'s sleep, I'll just watch TV all day long. It was in my escape for me.

Right. And I started to ask for feedback. I was like, okay, enough is enough. Like, I'm sick of feeling this. I've got to change my life. Otherwise, I'm probably always going to be fine. You asked your friends for feedback, your family, people for that.

I started asking friends. I started hiring therapists. I hired coaches. I was like asking my closest friends like, like, tell me why I'm in the most fucked up. I was just like, you know, what are the things that you like about me, that you enjoy about me?

What do I do really well? What are the things that I don't do well? I was just like on all spectrums, give me feedback. I was a demand for information about who I was and how I showed up in the world. Because before that, I never wanted feedback or criticism. We often talk about emotionally unavailable men, which sort of the umbrella term, I think,

for a lot of different emotional challenges that men and women have, emotionally, I've been known to be emotionally unavailable. I think your book deals with a lot of that. It dating any man that you ever thought he doesn't quite get it, it'll be in this book. So what you're saying is you were asking him, so before that you were that guy,

you're like, I'd ask you for free. Did I ask you for that? Like if they asked, but now you're like, tell me. So with the, It's the man for it. Yeah, with the themes the themes Absolutely, I mean pretty much that I'm was a coward on every area of my life. How are we at the words they used? No, that's the word I know I know I want to hear it

So I wouldn't think I think I think I was very defensive that was very guarded that I was Angry and I was like what are you talking about? I'm like the most loving that I was angry. And I was like, what are you talking about? I'm like the most loving, joyful, happy guy. Like I always came from a place of like smiling and happy and joyful, but when moments of frustration came to me, it's like I only had one switch and that was to defend myself, to protect myself. Again, I was talking to therapists, coaches. I was like asking everyone, and I went to this workshop. It was a five day workshop here in LA, emotional intelligence training that had a lot of games and exercises.

It addressed the areas of our life that weren't working for us. So there's like 50 of us in this workshop and this trainer was like going through different exercises and games to address the areas of our past that we still hold onto that keep us from living a more meaningful, fulfilling, rich life in relationships and our career, everything. And we're going through a lot of these things

the first few days of our parents and the example day said and how we grew up like them and whatever. Breakups we've gone through, divorces people have gone through. The things that we've been holding on to that still hurt us and how we have these triggers and reactions. So for three days, people are opening up and expressing this and I'm kind of opening up and I'm acting like I've got it all figured out.

But I'm talking about the different challenges I had growing up and at day three, the trainer goes, okay, we've addressed everything from your past. Now we're gonna move forward to create a vision for your life on how you want to live moving forward for the ultimate relationships, the ultimate career, mission, everything, your health. But we can't fixate on the past if you want to live in a powerful future. So it's like cool. And so he goes, if you haven't said anything you need to say yet, now is the moment. Otherwise, we're not going back. So you need to say yet now is the moment otherwise We're not going back. So you need to say it now or kind of forever hold your piece more. It's got anxious Okay, yeah, and so and so I'm sitting there again. There's 50 of us in a room and I'm sitting there

And I'm like, you know, I talked about my parents going through divorce and like everyone in this room and I talked about You know feeling like the youngest of four and not having the attention that I wanted I talked about being You know picked on and the youngest of four and not having the attention that I wanted, I talked about being, you know, picked on and bullied and picked last and being, you know, in the special needs class is my whole life in school and just feeling insecure. For learning? Yeah, for learning in school. And you know, I talked about my brother who went to prison for four years when I was eight years old and how I didn't have any friends during that time. What about that moment when I was raped by a man? And it kind of came in my head.

And I was like, huh, yeah, that time when I was five when that man took me in the bathroom and raped me. Why have I never shared this with anyone? Why have I always held this a secret? Why has this always been the thing that I've never wanted anyone to know about me? And I just, for whatever reason in that moment, I stood up, walked at the front of the room.

And for the first time, told the entire story, as if I was right there. And I couldn't look anyone in the eyes when I told this story. I was so ashamed of myself and so embarrassed by what people would think about. And I sat down and it was like, I just erupted with tears.

I just erupted, I couldn't control myself. Can I have you? Yeah, it was just like, it was so terrifying to let people see me. Yeah, and so this is something that you would completely repress in the sense of it, it didn't come out for you that much. I always knew it happens.

Of course, yeah, it's in your body. I always think about it. Because that was the one tab, that would never come out, right? It would never come up for you. I always knew it happens. Of course, yeah, it's in your body. I always think about it. Because that was the one tab that would never come out. Right? And people would always ask me stuff about, you know, why you sew this and this and that. Yeah, you have a lot of deep conversations people are asking and they're revealing.

But I would never, I never told them that. I just didn't have people to know. No, no, never write moment for that. Tell that. And it was the most challenging thing because, because I was terrified, I ran out of the room afterwards because I couldn't stop crying. And I was just like, I feel embarrassed, I'm scared. I don't know what these people are thinking about me.

Luckily, there was two women on either side of me who were like holding me and crying with me that I felt like, okay, I'm somewhat safe in this moment. But I was just so embarrassed that I ran out of this kind of hotel conference room. When across the street, there was like a wall. I put my head up against the wall like this, and it was just like couldn't stop crying. And after a few minutes, it was like one of the most beautiful things

that ever happened to me. These men who were in the room came up to me and started holding me, hugging me, and they were like, you're my hero. They were like, I've never seen a man do it, you've done, just did here. Like people are like, man, I've been judging you this whole time.

I've thought of you, this other guy, you know. You're coward. Right, well, I led with my ego a lot. I led with ego a lot. Right. Gosh, I've just been judging you and now I trust you. And some of the guys were like, you know, I've been sexually abused and I haven't told anyone.

Well, right, it's so kind of. And I haven't told anyone and my wife doesn't know and you're giving me permission to go tell my wife and have that conversation. And you know, I'm trying to figure out a way to bring this back to sex because that's what this is called. No, no, honey, no, no, no, no, this is about sexual abuse. But listen to this.

We don't need to, you're perfect, you're perfect. Listen to this, you know, if you want to have the greatest sex and relationship in general, if someone doesn't, if your partner to have the greatest sex and relationship in general, if someone doesn't, if your partner doesn't know like the things that are most vulnerable to you, then you don't feel safe and you don't feel like you can trust that person. And therefore you'll probably never fully emotionally expose yourself in bed and sex. And there's something we'll always be holding it back. It may be powerful, great, but that intimacy where you're looking someone's eyes and you both orgasm emotionally, spiritually, physically.

Like that is unbelievable connection. No, it is. This is perfect. So what you're doing here, because I want to say what I'm hearing in that is that this moment of, we all have secrets and things that were shamed of because we get into a relationship with someone

and you know, we always bring like, what do they call it, your first date, like your representative, they say first few dates, like the best version of yourself for a few years. And there's certain things we just are like, well, I could never reveal this about me, but this person won't love me, they won't like me. And a lot of times we have it real,

that to anybody, you're maybe just our best friend. And that's what true intimacy is. And you realize that all the power that you've given this, whatever the thing is that you're repressing, all the energy you've given it, once you release it to the world, it no longer has power on you. It releases it's freedom.

It was instant, I mean, it was terror and I was scared and unsure of what was gonna happen because I just didn't think I was allowed to say those things. Exactly. But what happened afterwards was like, it was unbelievable, freedom. I took some weeks and months made a fully process

and I was telling my family, I started telling my friends one by one because this group really encouraged me to start talking about it more. Just like the relationships I had with my family started saying things that I never knew about them. You know. Right, because you were able to tell them.

So that's the thing. It's not even about relationships. It is about romantic relationships, intimate ones, but with your family and your friends. When you start to really reveal this stuff, you realize that it makes you, and that's how we talk about it, specifically the mask of masculinity, because men feel like it will make me less manly.

I won't be a man if I'm vulnerable. If I'm a girl. I'll be a girl. I'll be a child. I'll be a less than a girl. I'll be gay. I'll be whatever the names of kids called me growing up. Right.

Exactly. It's like, I don't want to be less than a girl. No, God no. Can't be that. Or consider it a girl. Right. Yeah, so that's just a lot of guys have followed this pattern, not all guys, where they don't feel like it's cool

or okay to just share their feelings. And you were talking about before we jumped on. You guys, as girls, talk about this every day. You get together in groups and you're like, ah, I'm going through this right now. I'm stressed out about this. Every day, I talk to my girlfriend. I mean, I'm lucky.

I think a lot of women have this, but we are socialized from the time of, or babies, like women are just more social creatures the way we create. We make eye contact, all that stuff. And I feel like with micro friends, we do. I have the same 10 best friends that, you know, throughout the last 20, 15, 20 years,

and they're all, Sanford to score all over the world, but I talk to them and we're not like, hey, what shoes did you get? What makeup? Like, okay, what happened with your husband? What's going on here? And we get into it. Like when I was 26 in Sanford, just go, I'd go to get? What makeup? Like, okay, what happened with your husband? What's going on here? And we get into it. Like, when I was 26 in San Francisco,

I'd go to therapy every week and after therapy. And when every Tuesday, my best friend, Mary, and I would meet a whole foods, and we would sit at the bulk food, we'd get the thing, we'd sit there and get coffee, and we would just process our therapy for a year. I mean, it's like, I've been, so women naturally do this.

Men, not so much, you get together. So I think that- If you send a man for like, they don't have a guy friend they can share their stuff with. And so they get it from women sort of, but then the women are constantly frustrated because like he's not available, he's not available. So what I wanted to do today is because that's an amazing story about how you were able to open up and I'm sure your relationships have all improved, you were able to end that toxic one.

Yes. I think you're in a healthy relationship, right? Yes. And it's not just it has to be trauma, although there are so many men, I'm glad you have one in six men in sex. One in six men have been sexually abused that has been recorded.

Right, exactly. So how do you do it? Yeah, but there's not like, I want to three women. Is it one three, one in four, one in three women? Yeah, I'm sure more have been sexually harassed in some way or grab it or whatever. Oh God, we can talk about that.

Yeah, okay. But when I look at just this year alone, if you think about what's in the media this year alone, besides the hurricanes and the flooding and the natural disasters, what are the moments that come to my mind are first off Charlottesville, which happened. And angry men marching who are feel unsafe and unprotected. And don't not express themselves emotionally and verbally, so they march and attack with anger. I'm not getting the politics here,

but the dis-ease from the political decision-making and reactions to anything that happens in the world, the reactiveness, the defensiveness, the guard, you know, the guardiness, the need to be right, need to win feeling that is happening in our politics. Again, a man. The... Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein, yes. Last week, two weeks ago, and now the Amazon, exactly, or whatever, the sexual harassment, the sexual abuse that happens, the domestic violence that happens from

people in the NFL or pro sports, Vegas, the Vegas shooting. A man who's just like, I can't express myself verbally. So I'm going to just unleash and spread my anger on the world and then end it. All these instances that are just in the last six months come from angry men or men who feel unsafe that feel like they don't know how to express themselves. They've never been trained or they don't have the emotional capacity to. And listen, I'm right there with these men in a sense of like, I've been angry and reacted in ways that are very defensive and guarded. Now, thankfully, I've never sexually molested or done these things or killed anyone. No, they didn't die up by the bath bomb. Exactly. So it's all next time, next year could

have been something. Who knows? Exactly. That's what we're thinking. Yeah. Well, wait, we're gonna take a quick break We'll come back. God. There's so much word of dubbing. I think that a lot of guys and women You know what I love is that your book is also for women listen You're gonna recognize yourself and women if you're dating a man, you're like, oh, yeah That's what isn't we're gonna tell you how to deal with it Lewis house is book is the mask of masculinity Also, thanks for supporting our sponsors. I love them. I never talk about products or surfaces or anything that I haven't used that I'm not actually obsessed with.

So thank you for keeping the show free and supporting them and we'll be right back. Okay, Lewis, we're back. I've got so many more things talked about. This is exciting. Okay, mask of masculinity is his book. So this is what we're talking about is this classic journey towards self-awareness, right?

Like we've, a lot of us are driven by goals, certain ambitions of once we get the job, the car, the house, the wife, that everything will be perfect. We're gonna be happy, we're gonna be successful, and then you get there, and then you're like, ah, I still feel empty, something's wrong. I mean, it's a classic, right? It's a classic tale of, of, of self-awareness.

I forget the celebrity that said this. I don't know if it was Jim Carr or someone that was like, I wish everyone in the world could become rich and famous and realize that's not like the key to... No, well, there was a great quote in your book that I pulled out, actually. What did say? Whatever success you're after, someone has already achieved it, diluted himself into thinking that just a little more of it would make him happy and solve all his problems. Guess what? It didn't. So everything they were chasing and we think we look at that person. If you're looking outside yourself to achieve

that they're so happy there. If I just make a little more money, if I only meet this person and everything would be great. And the bottom line, everyone can tell you, mystics, psychic, the Buddha, anywhere wherever you go, it's comes from the inside, it comes from all this stuff. But I also think that we are talking, you know, I think there's a lot of women who are a little more self-aware about this. I'm not saying every woman on the planet, but for a man who are listening, going, yeah, I hear what you're saying. I haven't been abused. I mean, my life is actually really good right now. Like, I don't even really know what you're talking about.

And I can tell you that if they just called me for five seconds, I could probably take color sometimes too. Yeah. I think I could get to that and I could get that in five seconds. Like, if you ever dated a woman who was like, you're not really emotionally available or I feel like when I'm with you, I'm kind of alone or I feel like you don't really share things. Like, babe, we talk all the time.

So those people, those guys, maybe who are like, here's the thing, these masks represent a part of our, what we think is our identity. They represent our, what we think is our self worth. You know, and for me, I was picked last and fourth grade on a dodgeball game, but there was two captains, two guys that to come back to the story from the beginning, there was my fourth grade teacher said, okay, we're not going out to recess by ourselves, we're going to do like a class dodgeball game. And he picked two of the popular kids to be the captains and they chose one by one, right? There was like 30 kids in the class, let's say 15 boys, 15 girls, I can't remember exactly.

And I'm thinking I'm one of the taller kids, you know, I'm probably gonna be picked one of the first. And they go through one by one and pick all these guys until it comes down to the last two guys. Me and the nerdy looking guy who had, you know, the glasses in the pocket square and that kid, right? And I'm like, there's no way they're not gonna pick me after this guy. And they end up picking this other kid before me.

And so I'm the last boy to be picked, but then something happens. The next picker picks a girl and then picks another girl. And then picks another girl until it's down to me and the last girl in the class. This girl can barely even walk. She's like so uncoordinated. And I'm like, there's no way I'm gonna be the last one picked.

And they picked a girl and by default, I go on the last team. I don't even get picked. So I'm less than a girl in my mind, in like my fourth grade minds. And I said never again, will I get picked last? So whether I was sexually abused or not before this, I said never again, will I be picked last?

And I'm gonna become so big, so fast, so strong, so valuable that people always have to pick me first in sports and it worked i trained myself every single day i think that like it there was third great i've this like negative fuel the purview people long

like drove me every day and i had that chip on my shoulder right worked i was you know a great athlete in high school college you know everything else like that played professional sports and i proved those kids wrong and who we've had you know, a great athlete in high school college, you know, everything else like that played professional sports. And I proved those kids wrong. And who have it? Yeah. And who even knows if you would have played sports, it was those pivotal moments, right? We were like, this are those, here's the thing. I proved all those kids wrong. And anyone else wrong who thought I wasn't good enough or whatever had like something for me, I proved them all wrong. But man,

every time I lost at anything, I was the worst loser. Right. Because it was like an attack on my identity, on my self-worth. If I'm not gonna win, then people aren't gonna accept me. And the worst loser, the worst winner. You know, I rubbed it in their faces

and it never felt good. I achieved these big dreams that I wanted. And when I would achieve them, I was like, why am I still not fulfilled? It's because I was driven by this false sense of identity. And then again, when I lost, when I wasn't able to play football anymore and I got injured, my sub-worth was wrapped around

this idea of being an athlete. This is what happens with men who have the material mask. When I was broke on my sister's couch for a couple years, I was like, I don't wanna feel this way anymore. I need to learn how to make money. And I started researching. I found mentors who are millionaires. I was like, I'm gonna obsess over this.

I'm gonna focus on getting nice things, everything. And it worked. I made millions of dollars. I built a business. I was like, you know, had access to things. And it worked. I made many of the dollars, I built a business. I was like, you know, had access to things. And the money was never enough. Like I was living in scarcity. Like when, and then when the money started to go down

on my bank account, I freaked out. Right, exactly. Cause there was, yeah, my self-worth was wrapped around my net worth. So some guys, you see that they always need something else to, to, to, So you went from like athleticism, from being never worth that to money and I think it's interesting your stories because even Well, this is up until four years ago because your school greatness you're on your book

I there was a chapter your book you were saying like you're on this book door Yes, and you've everything and people are signing up in your book sold out Your best sell your agents like do everything you want to do then you're in your hotel room lonely going And I guess I have to say like I and even as and even as a woman, I'm not, and there's other thing. Women have these masks as well. I can't tell you how many times I mean, I've gone through this. I thought, like, even when I met you doing misadvised, and for me, it was more about, it

was never like I wanted to. It was never about fame. It was never about money, except I was super broke during misadvised. I was like living in a friend's couch. I had no money. So everything on. All your girls, you know what I think, right? Yeah, totally.

Julio's broke, everywhere. Yeah, we're all, And I was like, but I just, I just love hell. I, I, I know doing this podcast is my passion. I love, I mean, it still is helping people. And it, and people listen to it. So why aren't they making my ice cream doing my parents? Like, you're crazy. I'm like, but it's so close. For me, it was about how could I make this thing happen so it could be sustainable? And it wasn't, and it wasn't so much about, like, you know, now I finally can, like, I have the money. And it wasn't so much about, now I've finally can, I have the money, I have a lot of things I wanted. But sometimes, yeah, there's still that now I have all that.

I put all my energy to that. And then, where's my community? I left them in San Francisco. So there's always going to be little things, but the more where you are now, I know what's missing and where you go. So we kind of flip around these things in our life, but I guess just the more stuff of where you are.

That's it. About where things are at. So now, so you did the book tour, so you did it with from athleticism and athlete. Like the money. Then the book tour and then you're like, whoa, and then you had this breakdown. Well, then I was in the sexual mass.

Sexual mass, right. Well, I can't be with one woman because I'm getting all these women. You know, my whole childhood, high school, no girls liked me. I was like, I was like, I was never in the guys who liked. I was a dumb kid who was in the special needs classes.

You know, my brother was in prison when I was eight years old to us, 12 for selling drugs and undercover cops. So I didn't have the parents in my neighborhood wouldn't let their friends, their kids hang out with me. So I didn't have friends. And I was like dumb in class. And I was like, six, four when I was eight.

And I just looked goofy and all these things. And so now I have some financial success, I have some athletic success, I have this. You know, book success and like women were desiring me and I was like, oh, now I need to get mine. I need to like show myself worth. I gotta get back some chicks, yeah. I gotta prove to myself that like I can get this.

Right, that's still empty. This is like so classic, right? Guys go to these cycles. I know so yeah, you go to the cycles, you got all the money, they can get this. That's still empty. It's like so classic, right? Guys go to these cycles. I know so yeah, you go to the cycles, you got all the money, then you can get the women, then you get the job and the cars. And ultimately, it's all free and empty

until you love yourself, know yourself and become vulnerable and real. Like, I, you know, I guess long time ago, I realized I don't, I don't remember when, like years, but it's like I can't even have, it's hard for me to have those people in my life that are superficial, that they don't remember when, like years, but it's like I can't even have, it's hard for me to have those people in my life that are superficial, that they don't really know

where they don't connect. I'm just wherever I go, there I am. Not that I'm always learning and stuff, but I think for a minute, it might be a little bit different in the sense of, although there are men who've done a lot of work, but you're like, if I'm vulnerable, and I show you this weakness, I am a weak man,

like a mask kid, and a lot of that, it's like, I'm less than the whole thing. So what I want guys at our standard are listening to and women. Again, if they haven't gone through this, like, what is the catalyst? I want, what I like about the book is it's set up in a way that if you will find yourself in one of these masks. I think we should go through them. I'm ultimately going to do that.

You know, but if they haven't hit their emotional rock bottom, you know, why should they, why should they read it? Because I, you know, I want them to get there. But to get, because I always feel like for me too, it was being completely broke trying to live my dream of this sex with Emily thing, which everyone thought was crazy. You know, what are you doing?

And I thought, no, I have to do it because it's so important. It's gonna change the world and it was crazy. But I'm glad I stuck with it. That was my thing. It was like I kept pushing it, it made it happen, in a lot of ways, but then I realized that there were other things that were empty.

Like, oh, I can help everyone out those relationships and I don't have one in my own. So, what is, I've been there. Yes. This is the challenge. You know, everything was working in my life on the outside. Like, I was getting results.

When people gave me feedback, I was like, screw you, you're not doing this in your business, you're not doing this, you're not, you know, or whatever, I was like defensive. It's really hard because people start to look at themselves differently when they go through a divorce or a bad breakup or a health scare or a near-death experience or someone close to them dies.

That's when people start trying to look and be like, let me, you know, look at my life and see, how do I want to live? So it's hard to get men to be aware and look within when they don't feel like they need to. That's why I think this book is going to be powerful for women because women have a massive influence over men and intimate relationships,

whether they think so or not. And when you can understand the man in your life who might be disconnected or might be focused on this or on that or who is defensive or all he needs to be right and win in your arguments or put down people, whatever it may be, or it's always telling a joke. It's just constantly funny.

Yeah, let's talk about some of the masks. Okay, that's why I was gonna say, a lot of times there's the rock bottom that like someone dies or you lose a job or you lose a loved one and that's when people seek help. And I always was thinking about this, maybe that's just what needs to happen.

I think that's what I was trying to say about. I told myself I would never be able to do business, right? I was like, I'm just doing a podcast to help people. I don't understand business, but then it became this need that I had to do it. And there's some people like my dad died. I had to go in it when suddenly when I was 20, I had to go to therapy.

Things happened that were really hard, but for people, so I'm wondering, what pushes someone towards self-awareness if they don't have that? And maybe whatever, that was my point. But let's just talk about some of these masks because they might realize that they're in it. So I've got them here, but you probably know that.

Sure, sure. Yeah. The material mask is huge. For me, a guy's driving around in a fancicle. Especially in LA, it's like you said. I have like every guy. It's not like you don't every guy is watching a car. Like don't wanna go out with you,

and that's not true, but true. And listen, I have friends who have private jets and who have amazing cars and like own islands, literally. Right. And, but they're so humble and they're giving and they're, they don't make it about showing it off. They make it more about like sharing an experience. Sharing it and let me live a lifestyle that inspires you not not to like you know show you how good I am and so there's a

way that you can approach this you don't need to make it you know not you can still have nice material things and live luxurious if that's what you want but if it's just approved yourself that you're worthy of something it's very fleeting. It's just an age thing though it's like a younger man. Probably. Like in your 20s you kind of like you think that's fleeting. I think it's just an age thing though. It's like a younger, man. Like a person's game. Like in your 20s, you kind of like, you think that's what matters maybe. And then it's so hard because I mean- Because I can't tell guys if they want to get the first watch and the first car.

Here's the thing. It starts. For women to design their bag, you know? Exactly. I mean, it starts with like the classroom, the experience it starts with, the athletic experience. You know, when you're on a sports team or you're in a classroom and you're just walking through the halls as a guy, you're going to you're on a sports team or you're in a classroom and you're just walking through

the halls as a guy, you're gonna see other guys saying things about you or saying these about other people or if you're like emotional or crying, they're to say, stop crying, stop being a little girl or don't be a pussy, don't be a fact, don't be whatever the word is that they're saying. And it's like, if your mom is like, you know what, honey, today I want you to practice like being very giving and open and loving at school, like go go in and Your mom is like, you know what, honey, today I want you to practice like being very giving

and open and loving at school. Great. Go in and like really be kind to the other kids and you say, okay, mom, I'm going to do that and you're kind and you're loving and you see a couple bullies bullying another kid. You're like, hey guys, don't pick on him. And then they take you and shove you in the locker or do it or beat you up. You're like, okay, this doesn't feel good.

And I need to protect myself. I need to arm myself. That's what men are living with all the time. I totally get that. So these are the masks. Like the athlete mask, the material mask, the sexual mask, aggression, men are using aggression, the Joker, the funny guy.

Or like, I love hanging out with him. He's a great texture, but takes a few dates. You're like, but he's so fun, but he said nothing. I have nothing about this guy. I mean, I know all these guys, the invincible guy, you know, he's got this, you know, the know it all. That's so annoying. Man's blaming kind of man's planes.

I'm a god, the alpha mask, they're just the alpha man. I just can't take any of these guys. I see that, but I guess just experience. I've been all these. Right. I was going to, every man is, right? Every man, at least, we would lead with like a dominant one or two, right? Every man does and or has.

And I'm still, you're still low at the time to time. I'm still competitive and we need to win in arguments. Sometimes, luckily I have been working on this for four years for myself. And now it's funny because I was in the airport last week trying to get somewhere and I missed my flight and I literally wanted to punch a wall because I was so furious that of what had happened.

And I was going to make it about the TSA people and them like making me take forever and double-check all this stuff. And I just felt like they weren't helping me. Like the customer support that wasn't helping me. And my old way of being would have been like screaming, making a scene, throwing a fit, punching something, kicking something, a trash can, storming out of there, and feeling angry the rest of the day. And so I was like, I was so furious, I wanted to just automatically go to that place. And I just started like

smiling inside because I was like, isn't it to just automatically go to that place. And I just started smiling inside, because I was like, isn't it fitting that I'm writing this book about masculinity and here's a great test for me. How do I want to show up? I yourself in that moment. How do I want to show up, do I want to show up and act like a jerk to this person and make a scene and make it about me?

Or where's the lesson and can I recommit to my vision of what I wanna do right now, and who I wanna be, and walk out of here gracefully, and you know, yeah, sucks. Yeah, I did. And you catch it in that moment, and it might happen. So it's the awareness.

So this is all about self-awareness. It's awareness, and it's practice. Every morning, I practice meditation, you don't have to, but you can just practice for five minutes saying, how do I want to show up today? When shit hits the fan, I'm not sure if I'm gonna let us wear this.

You can, sir. When stuff happens, how do I want to respond? So in the morning, I will talk about the things I'm really great for and how I want to show up. And I'll say, you know, what if someone cuts me off today? What if someone says something to me? What if someone tweets something negative? What if someone, I feel attacked by someone?

How do I want to show up? And I train myself before adversity happens because it's going to happen almost every day. And for other people, it could be other thing. That's how I like it. Whatever. What if my wife says this to me? How am I going to respond today?

As opposed to constantly getting defensive, when I smile and give her a hug. How about that? Exactly. You're listening. And I think the definition of the alpha mask, if I, you know, it's not the man who is like can always puff his chest and always be the loudest, you know, the ultimate alpha silverback gorilla.

The most impressive one to me is the one that is so like big in his energy. Right. He's not even about how we look right. He's just so graceful and confident with his energy that when a couple of other monkeys are screaming and fighting, he doesn't have to beat his chest and run up there and show how big he is. He can literally just, with his energy,

move people away and diffuse the situation and bring peace and harmony back to the moment. You're gonna create a lot of this mess, right? They're the ultimate alpha. You're absolutely right. Men who are like, right, they're self-aware, they're authentic, they're not be competitive, they understand intimacy and connection.

Yeah, and I think it's like, listen, we can be competitive, we can be like manly masculine, like aggressive and moments that are okay with that, but when it's hurting other human beings, you know, and it's just to prove yourself that you're worthy or something, you're really, it's not helping you a long time. Oh, yeah.

You're good. Still be a man, wear a beard, do all these things you wanna do. Well, that's the thing, we have to get into questions in a minute, but that's what I want. Let's just, yeah, because you're gonna help the people here, because we love helping our listeners. But I feel like the bottom line here really, if there is, is that I recognize

so many men in here, you've been all of that. I think men float between all of these and that I can't tell you I keep thinking of it is the emotionally unavailable umbrella male umbrella when people say to me all the time like why are the no good men why are the no good men and perhaps men are saying the same things about women that's fine. But would I see it seem to see it I've dated a lot of them if they haven't done their work? So years are quite decided. If a man hasn't done his work, and I talk about this on the show all the time

that I believe that everybody needs therapy in some sense, whatever that looks like to you, you know, it's been 12 gazillion shows, what I like about your book, The Mask of Maxi Linde, is if you guys read this, then you're gonna kind of understand what I mean by saying that. Like why doing the work is going to help you,

not just in your relationship, but in your job, in your relationship with your family. And if you've always thought, well, I didn't really get what you mean, what kind of work I need to do, like why? What's going to drive me there? I think this is gonna help you. And I love that you have advice for women here

who deal with men. It can be a sister dealing with a brother. Like it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but it's for everything. Exactly. I think there's a great place for men to start. Whether you read the book or not, it is irrelevant to me. It's just a matter about how are you going to work on yourself so that you can heal. Exactly. How are you going to do that? Whether it's listening to this, it's going to work. But, you know, like, have a conversation with, like like after you don't listen to this, here's something you can do to show you that you're working on yourself. Take out your phone and text someone in your life that inspires you that makes

an impact in your life or that you appreciate and text them one to three sentences of why they mean something to you. Something specific about who they are. Specific, I like that. What they do. And send them a nice message. It's like a way of expressing vulnerability through a text that maybe you don't acknowledge people enough. It's something small to get started. And then continue to have a conversation, find someone. I always say start by writing the things down that hurt you the most so that maybe you don't want to express it to someone. I always say start by writing the things down that hurt you the most so that maybe you don't want to express it to someone. I think eventually we're going to have to talk

it out and express through our words, but write down those things in your life that really upset you. And then ask yourself, why do these upset me? And here's the thing. If you want to be a powerful man, if you want to make the most money in the world, have the best job, get the hottest girl, whatever these things are, If you want these things, then you will... If you want them and you want to be happy in the film. Exactly. You will write these down and you'll ask yourself a simple question.

Why do these things have power over me? The ultimate man or human being does not allow for past things to own him, to control and consume his energy and his thoughts. He has power and control over being sexually abused. His parents fighting with him, whatever happened, the girlfriend dumping him. He doesn't allow the past to consume his mind and control him.

I think Dr. Martin Luther King said something along these lines. I can't remember specifically what he said, but that he doesn't get angry when people were attacking him or saying racial things about him because he's like, I'm never gonna allow that man to have power over him. Yeah, exactly. It is a choice at every moment.

That's it. And if you want to be the ultimate man, you won't be defensive and guarded all the time. You'll learn how to grow into being loving, graceful, and live in harmony. It's true. Like you're doing right now. Great example. I'm trying every day with failing constantly and trying.

We're never done with that. But I think it's a book that my can easily, I don't know, they digest get into it. Like I said, it's just everyone needs to do their work. And I think this is the way to do it. Thank you. I've got five questions for you. Bring it.

These are the quicky questions. And then we're going to get into other people's questions. Rady Lewis, you got to, you can't think about these too much. Quick answers or how long? Quick answers. Okay. Don't think about it too much. Five, ten seconds. Yeah. Like, quick, not even. Okay. But no pressure. No pressure. Because I don't, you know, your biggest turn on. Um, is this the PC? It doesn't matter. It's a sex podcast, let's be honest. Biggest turn on. Oh my gosh. I don't know what I want to say. It could be eyes. It could be voice.

I mean, I had a lot of even things, but the first thing comes in mind. Yeah, first. After the other things I was thinking about. The first thing comes in mind is when a girl, when a woman sees my dreams and fully supports it, as opposed to holding me back from my dreams, it makes me so turned on. That's why you got it. It turned you out.

When I'm supportive. Being seen and supported. Okay, biggest turn off. When they get jealous or insecure when I'm going after my dreams. Oh, okay. Because I'm like, you don't get me. Yeah.

Craziest place you've gotten busy. Unique place? I don't know. Back of cars, bathroom and a club, I'm time. Got it. Not that crazy. Okay, sexy is part of your partner's body or anyone's body that you know.

Well, woman's body. My partner's pretty sexy. I don't know. Just much of your bends over. I don't know. Oh man. Awesome. What's the one thing that you wish you could tell

your current or all future partners about your body's needs? Like what's the one thing when you're with a woman that you've a girlfriend and that's like, what does she need to know about your body? When she connects to my eyes, everything opens up. So true. Went under the soul and a lot of other things. I mean, listen, I like when anyone goes down on me,

but you know. Who doesn't like a little blowjob now and then, a little blowjob. Okay, God, that was very good. We're going to get into me, Miles, thank you, Lewis House. Yes. You're giving fun?

I am. Good. I love it. We're going to go into the sex play class now. Let's do it. It's really fun. Okay, let's answer some questions first. Okay, guys, here's a deal.

Guess what? I love getting your questions. We get hundreds of them. We try to get back to all of you. We really do, but guess what? When you text us, it's not only easier for you, but we're gonna answer your questions first. Cause we want more texts.

Here's the thing. It is so easy, because you're on your, I know you're probably on your phone right now listening to the podcast. So you go to your phone and this is what you do. Ready, you type in 7979, like you're texting a phone number, right, like a real phone. It is a phone number, 7979, 7979, and then you type,

ask Emily one word, that's it. No, no hashtags, no nothing, just ask Emily. You do that, you press send, guess what? A second later, boom, you go to link. You click on that link and it's a form. And that form says, hi, ask me your question. It's so easy, guys, we're not gonna like sell it or spammy or text you weird things like free iPods. You're telling me,

are we going to do that the free iPod? Do they make us anymore? We would never do that. That's a fun way. You could also go to our website, sexwithme.com, and send us an email there via the Ask Emily tab. As always, include your gender, your age where you live and how you listen to the show. Hi, Emily. I really enjoyed the show. I've been listening a lot lately. I've been with my wife for almost six years and we've literally experienced every issue imaginable, minus cheating. But I won't go into details because it would fill a book.

She came to the relationship as a survivor of both physical and sexual abuse and during all of this our sex life was pretty normal. We found some semblance of balance and saw our issues falling away after moving cities and starting over. About a year and a half ago, we basically stopped having sex. She said she needed something but couldn't articulate what she wanted. I was confused and hurt and thought it might be because something I did. I wanted to take action so I started reading books and articles about game theory. I read a lot about dudes preaching to other dudes and how to get more women. Terms like Alpharam beta were

thrown around. I was told to appear more like this guy and not like that guy and she'd be falling at your feet begging for sex. I bought into this heavily, but here's the catch. None of it worked. I think it may have caused more trauma by trying this. This brings me to my question. Can you talk about toxic masculinity? The way we treat our partners could be potentially damaging and have consequences that I don't wish on my greatest enemy.

How can we avoid this and be more aware? Thanks for your amazing work. I will eagerly await you episodes while I devour our past ones. We've been actually been repairing our relationship as we listen to your podcast. Thank you. Ryan, 27 Seattle. Wow. Thank you, Ryan. So much for your email. I thought that this would be a great one that Lewis, how is you could help me with here? Because, well, first of all, it sounds like you read the game or something.

I love that you've been stressed out. He's a good friend of mine. And I love that he was in your book. But yeah, he read the game. That wasn't working. And he wants to talk about being like the toxic man. This is challenging because, again, we go back to high school or college or whatever.

When you see the hot girl with like the bad guy. The guy that treats her wrong or you have a girlfriend and maybe has a boyfriend that's like treats her like crap. And you're like, why are you so turned on by that? Why are you so attracted to that? Why do you stick around? So, I don't know. You need to explain to me why women stick around with that because I've never understood

that. Well, I'm not so women need to do their work as well. So typically it's because of a woman have something from their past, it's a familiar pattern. So maybe her dad was a flanderer, or maybe her first relationship was with a guy like that, and she also probably has low self worth.

There's things, I mean, there's a lot of reasons for it, but typically most things, most of our patterns in life and in relationships can be traced back to very early childhood memories of what happened and we just tend to recreate those patterns. Yeah. Or it could even have been our first heartbreaker, our first love and they were kind of a jerk. We kind of go after that.

But typically a lot of the reasons why we pick bad partners is when we're feeling like we're half a person and we need someone else to fill the other half to make us whole. And the best place to time to find somebody is when you actually are feeling more whole. Whole. Yes. Yes, smart. So that's what I gotta say about that. Yeah, that's tough. to make a toll. And the best place to time to find somebody is when you actually are feeling more whole. Whole. Yes. So that's what I gotta say about that. Yeah, that's tough.

I think you got it. I mean, listen, everyone's different. So I think asking her what turns her on, asking her what makes her feel alive, asking her what he could do, say how he looks at her, what makes her feel the most sexually desired. Right. And then lean more into that. And that might be a challenging conversation. Yeah. No I think so too. Cause I feel like you're

reading these books, you're doing these things. What about talking to her more? It sounds like you guys have been together. Yeah, I kind of need to bring us a long email. You've been together for six years. It's your wife. To me, stop reading these books on your own. Do this work together. You're living with our and just being let's figure this out together. Maybe you guys read books together. You take classes together, you said she sought regular therapy, maybe it's time for your own couples therapy, and I'm a huge fan of sexual therapy.

Oh my God, I do some great therapists in Seattle. You're an, I know some great sexist therapists in Seattle. So, so. I've given some advice too. I mean, I had a girlfriend that, in the past, that wasn't as like sexually open, I would say, not that I was like wanting to do kinky stuff, but just more like emotionally sexually open, I mean, it just always felt like a little closed off.

And I felt like it was affecting the way I felt. So I started asking, you know, you know, I wanted to ever request there's some things that I would like to ask you about and then what I like. And I'd love to learn what you like as well. That would turn you on that make you feel open because I feel like I'm not getting everything that I want and desire as well.

Right. And it worked. It was scary because you don't want to offend someone, hurt someone, make someone feel bad or whatever. So it took me months of not asking because I was like, well, we'll figure it out or I'll learn to trick. No, it never figures out.

That's a thing. It's just like asking in it. And I was like, very specific. I was like, when you do this specific thing, it drives me crazy in a good way. When you do this, when you look at me this way, just like embed these suggestions. Exactly. And then she started doing it. I was like damn I feel fucking good Right and I think that it is it's talking your part like what are the things that what really turned you on?

What are you looking for what you know? I always love the bucket list thing like you eat that right down the three things that you both Want to try and you exchange a list. That's a good idea. Yeah, I love that one I mean, so there's a lot of different ways you guys could do it together because when you said she stopped having sex with you, there could be a lot of reasons for that, but I think that you might be trying to figure it out on your own and really like she's going to have to be part of this equation because you're not going to let me read her mind. Hi Emily, thanks so much for your podcast. I've been listening for two years.

I'm seeking some advice about comparing yourself to a partner's ex. In my case, a girlfriend's ex. I find myself dwelling over men before me and it's giving me anxiety. Perhaps I had bigger muscles and bigger everything. Was there sex more adventurous? Was it more pleasurable? I give my girlfriend what she requires emotionally and we have great sex. I just can't help but compare myself to other men. Any advice or discussions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, Dylan, 26 Chicago area. Yeah, I mean, we all get insecure, right?

Relationships. I think that men also have a really hard time thinking there was ever a penis that came before them. The worst feeling. Right. You're like, there were all their penises. And they ask about it. They're like, how many?

And they're like, oh my god, there were that many. So much has shifted from me in the last couple of years. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's like you're in LA and everyone's talking about open relationships. Maybe it's like you're in LA and everyone's talking about open relationships. Maybe it's like, we're conversation out here. I used to be so jealous and insecure of the guys that girls dated in the past.

Like, I didn't wanna talk about it. I didn't wanna hear about it. I didn't wanna know what positions you're in or what happened where. And it would drive me nuts when that was in my mind. If I knew something had happened, it was like, God, I couldn't get out of my mind. I hated that feeling, comparing and always trying

to like one up the last guy. Exactly. And for some reason, something had changed in the last few years. And I think that happens when we don't want to be alone and we don't want to feel like she could leave for someone else or someone better. And I always feel that way.

Like, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want them to leave me, unless I left them or would have been any matter. And now I've just come to a place where I'm like, you know what, I can be with my girlfriend now and I can not be with her. And it's, if it doesn't work out or she wants someone else, I want her to be happy.

I ultimately want her to be happy. And if it's not with me or if she had fun in the past, I want to embrace that. Right. And it's like hard to do. I mean, it took me 32 years of my life to get to that point because I was the complete opposite. I felt constantly conflicted when another guy ever touched her and that guy was around still or whatever.

They were friends and was like, no, you can't be friends with him. Yeah, that's right. But I think it's just like an inner peace again, working on like, what is his mask? Do we know I'm not live in a spot here, but yeah, he's kind of talking about his insecurities right here, so that is being vulnerable but Yeah, I think Depends on how I don't know it could be could be stoic if he's not expressing it to her could be stoic could be even alpha as well

I mean the alpha is the one who's gonna she's got muscles mean, the alpha is the one who's insecure. Right. He's got muscles. Exactly. The alpha is the one who's like, I'm going to protect myself. I'm going to like prove that I'm like the bigger man. Exactly. I mean, I think is that we all do get insecure, insecure. I'm wondering like, is there something in you that's making you insecure? Did someone say something to you once that you feel like you have a smile? Could you, he said his penis. He's like, well, maybe his penis was bigger. Right, right. There's something that you're thinking that you're not good enough

And I'm gonna take a gander here Dylan. I'm this is probably coming out in other areas of your life as well Probably in your work relationships where you're just not feeling like you're fully yourself and so um, but you're your girlfriend's with you You guys have great sex. Yeah, I'll be honest. You're mostly connected. There's actually no problem The good news here is that the problems in your mind and your thoughts and those thoughts aren't you. That's not necessarily you. So you can easily change it. You know, the past should be here past. And I think when you find yourself, you do a trick. When you find yourself thinking those thoughts, take yourself into the moment and think about like this connection that you guys that

you're having with her. And then just be grateful for something that you have a connection you have with her. and that's hard work. And you also just got to be confident in yourself. If you're constantly insecure, that means you get to work on your inner confidence, your inner peace. Like what are you afraid of? What's the worst thing that can happen? And go there.

And go there. And go there. Yeah. If you're afraid of something, you've got to really embrace those fears and then you can walk around in your relationship and be like, you know, if this doesn't work out, like, I'm okay. It's got a hurt and it's got gonna suck, but I'll be okay. Exactly.

Cultivating confidence is the most important work, I think. Top three things we all need to work on. So thank you, Lewis, fabulous having here. This is so fun. We've spent a long time in the making. So it was very powerful for me, so thank you for letting me share.

It was really great. I am, I'm really happy for you. I'd love to see you growing into this man that you are and today a great example for men and women out you. I'd love to see you growing into this man that you are, and to the great example for men and women out there. Always looking to improve on my flaws. True. It's great, or just challenging yourself.

We all have flaws. If we did, here's the thing. We're like, why do I have all these things? I'm like, we are put on the planet. That is our job. It's to deal with our flaws, our childhood issues, our insecurities. Like, couldn't we just look at our other job? Like, really?

That's truly, if we didn't have, I don't even believe you, like, I got a perfect child. Guess what? Something was missing. Something's not in a negative way that I'm always looking for the downside. It's just kind of the reality. So anyway, thank you for bringing this to light.

Your journey is going to be, is going to continue to be enlightening and inspiring for so many men and women. Lewis House, check him out. He's at Lewis House. How's the board? And this will all be on the podcast on the website and all that. And thank you to my amazing team. I love you all.

Yeah, team. Don't have a great team here. Yes, team. Oh my god, they're so great. Thank you, everybody. Thank you Ken, Jamie, our intern Shannon and Jenny, producer, Lark and Michael. And just thank you, everyone, for listening.

I love you. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com.