Sex With Emily - The Modern Man's Guide to Mismatched Libidos

Episode Date: December 21, 2016

We talk A LOT about issues surrounding the female sex drive, but we rarely discuss what it’s like for the person in the passenger seat. On today’s show, we’re unpacking this topic of low libido from a different angle and we’ve got Dr. Ian Kerner on the line to help provide a little insight. What happens when you’re on the other side of a mismatched libido? How can men help their partners to spark that desire? Ian shares his expertise on all things arousal, intimacy and female pleasure, and reveals how he helps couples overcome these roadblocks. Emily and Menace also address your emails on rough sex, changes in libido and foot appreciation. No matter what problems you encounter between the sheets, this podcast is sure to have the answers you’re looking for! Don’t miss it.. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show we're getting into the other side of low sex drive the Guy's side the amazing dr. Ian Kerners calling into the show to provide a little insight on men and miss match The Beatles if you don't know who Ian Kern is well, you're in for a treat enjoy the show Oh, we're also answering emails. It's gonna be awesome and men is here It's hard to believe but holiday shopping time is here again. I know. It's so stressful trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone you love. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. But let me let you in a little secret.

You know who should be at the top of your list? You. And nothing says I love me more than gifting yourself with the Magic Wand Retargeball. I've said it before, but the Magic Wand was part of my life long before it was part of my show. Now it's time to make it part of your life, too. For more than 30 years, the Magic Wand has been the trusted massager that women around the world reached for first.

Time magazine even selected as one of the top 10 most influential gadgets of all time. The Magic One Rechargeable delivers all the power of the corded version, plus the convenience of being completely cordless. The full-size design makes it incredibly comfortable to use and offers four intensity levels and four great vibration patterns. So put the Magic One Rechargeable at the top of your self-love shopping list and maybe get one for your BFF lawyer in the GivingMood to order yours today, visit magicwandoriginal.com

or click the Magic Wand banner on my site. I'm obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone way. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Who the hell's got to understand? Oh my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, Evelyn? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex related

gypsum. Everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where we make it so easy for you to become part of the sex with Emily family because you know I love staying connected with you and now it's easier than ever because if you go to the website you can easily subscribe to the podcast which we really like encourage you we need you to do it we love you to do it help menace is here helps with the rankings and I tuned it helps with more listeners and we just I wanted to do the show forever like I want to be doing the show from my nearly from my grave and I want to do it five days a week if I could so just

subscribe to it and literally it doesn't even mean that you have to it doesn't even you know you subscribe it just means you get the show you're falling around okay also follow us on social media it's all at sex with Emily cross the board and yeah I'm glad it's good to see you. Good to see you too. Have you been what's going on? Oh God so many things. I'm excited for the hell this. Yeah, I've had to see your mom. We saw. Yeah, oh my God. So do my mom was here. Yes. So my mom who's hardcore, she's just like, I'm like, I've been talking about moving for. Yeah, quite a while. Almost a year now. Right. So I moved to LA and I'm moving to this cute little, little place like, you know,

four hundred square, tiny little bungalow. Bungalow makes it sound. It is a bungalow. Yeah. But it's very small. And I like it, but it's just, it has some quirks and point is I would talk about moving, but I'm really busy and I get overwhelmed with the moving and the LA is not such an easy place to look around.

So my mom gets a town and she says Emily from Michigan. She says, the family, we're doing it. Tomorrow morning, she was this the first I want you to have six places first to look at. Yeah. So I did. I found all these places we raced around town long story short. Last night, I moved into my new place. What? Are you serious? Yeah, totally. No way. It happened. Yep, I did. It's a much, it's a, it's a, I've never had like a night like, you know, for the last 11 years, it's all about the business. So we got new offices. We do all the stuff, but I'm my own. I'm like, I'm saving. I'm saving, you know, but I really feel like I need to just have a place that was like, you know, built in this century. And they had like, you know, wash your dryer,

like a new sink. Anyway, it's gorgeous. It's two bedrooms. It's a wash Hollywood two bathroom. It's nice. I've smoothed it. Lest up there for the first time. That's gorgeous. It's two bedrooms. I want to tell you what, two bathrooms. It's nice. I've smoothed it less up there for the first time. That's great. So my mom was like, hard-going. My mom was like me. She's fun and light, but she's not like neurotic or ADD. She just really focused on the first time.

She executes things. So we had a great time too. We also went out to a lot of dinners and we shopped and found myself a partner. That's awesome. So that was great. And yeah, so we've been, you see our office with the holiday. I've never had a Christmas party. I know. I've never had a Christmas party. you see our office with the holiday. I've never had Christmas all decked out. I

know decked the halls with yeah, sex with with cockballs. Oh yeah, there I did notice that there is a Dilda with a a bow on it. Yes, of course, but it's very. It's very festive. It's awesome. I know. So we've been doing a lot of fun. Um, check

out if you haven't our Instagram and our Snapchat. We did a really fun sex with Emily. Holiday video the other day that we shot that you're gonna love it's also maybe you I our website all over but it was fun and it was a great year I gotta say like I very grateful for this year what are you up to these holidays this life holidays last grade just busy busy busy, busy, busy, busy constantly. I am going to go to San Francisco for a few days. And then I'm getting on playing going Florida, going to be in Florida.

And then I'm getting on a ship and then I'm going to go to Puerto Rico, Haiti, Saint Martin. Oh my God. Just for fun, right? Yeah. Where else am I going? Going some another place. I don't remember. Okay. So yeah, it's just the two of you, right? Yeah, where else am I going? Going to another place. I don't remember.

OK. So yeah, it's just the two of you, right? Like, I have a real trip, but not like you're not going to bring your whole like woody crew. No, no. I mean, I'm sure they left it. Where else am I? I kind of can't remember.

OK, but that's good. It's going to be good. You don't travel enough. Are you ragging up miles and stuff? I am trying, but I mean, it's traveled so much that I already like spend them. Yeah, like any time I get time off. But I want to thank everybody because I I'm trying, but I mean, it's traveled so much that I already like spend them, yeah. Like any time I get time off,

but I wanna thank everybody because I keep on running into sex and family listeners that are also listening to the Woody show. That's great, I just ran into these two ladies just Friday at a Woody show event and they said, oh, I listened to Sex and Family, so it was great, I love it. They all love you.

How come you're out more than I am. I think when I do go out I run into some listeners but not always but you are everywhere. If I'm out people have emailed me and said oh I saw you I didn't want to say hi, I'm like I love I'm like oh my god I love you. No that's fine. Speaking of San Francisco and you're going there I this brings you right to our sex in the news because I'm kind of pissed. What? brings you right to our sex in the news because I'm kind of pissed. What? So every year they do this report and this one, the 10 best and worst US cities for

singles. Okay. Oh, okay. Getting it with Kieber Zero is part willingness and part geography with 109 million or so single to single adults in the US as of 2005 per the latest census, finding the right place to settle down in both the geographical or romantic sense can be a challenge. So, they looked at key indicators and they rated the city. So it includes how much restaurants at other activities cost on employment rates,

online dating opportunities, and the 150 most populated US cities, guess what's number one? What? San Francisco. What? To be single, it's the number one? What? San Francisco. What? To be single, it's the number one city to be single. Oh, no.

I was there for 20 years, and it was always like, not even on the list. What? I move, and everyone's getting laid and partying up. See? Paces me off. Because you were hogging everybody to yourself. I slept with everybody, and I left.

That's why everyone's available now. So that's another trueism. Oh, I thought you were going to bring up there was this other study that just came out too, it was about all the cities across the country. And the cities they're having the most sexable females, St. Louis, Missouri. Really? The Midwest.

The Midwest, they're like banging like crazy in St. Louis, Missouri. Wow. Which is nuts. You love the Midwest. I know that. I can do that. Yeah, I'm on the radio in St. Louis, Missouri. Wow. Which is nuts. I did you love the Midwest. I do. I can do that. Yeah. I'm on the radio in St. Louis, by the way.

Oh. All to one of four point. This is how I know this. Right. Of course. All to one of four point nine with the Woody Show's six to 10 a.m. money through Friday. So if you happen to be that area or know somebody, please call them up and tell them to

listen. Yeah. But that's how I got this information. This is crazy. And then. That's crazy. Uh, San Francisco was even high on that high on the list. There's like this top 10. It was all really. So maybe it's a great town to be single, but they're not having as much sex as the people. Sorry. So here's just so you know, real quick, if you're like, well, what was number two? What was number three? I'll just tell you

that it was number one. Well, my say best cities was never San Francisco, two Orlando, Florida, three Seattle, four San Diego, five Boston, six Austin, Texas, seven Las Vegas, eight Phoenix, nine Miami, 10 Los Angeles. So 10 to 10th best city. Hey, there's a lot of cities in America. Right. Do I hear the worst? Just real quickly.

I don't know if you want to know. But the worst number one worse is Brownsville, Texas. Oh, no. Number two, Hylia, Florida. Do you see these are places I haven't heard of. So I just don't know if they're. Oh, I heard of Brownsville. Hylia.

Brownsville. Okay, Yonkers, New York. Yonkers, what? Yonkers. What? Yonkers. Marino Valley, California. Okay, the 10th worst city is Greensboro, North Carolina.

So I just had to bring up that San Francisco thing because it kind of made me feel like I remember 10 years ago when we started it was always like the word like not just to everyone else because everyone always says wherever they live is the worst but it literally came out that it wasn't easy but now it is. Number one. It's fine. I'm cool with that. We're gone now. Whatever's. Okay guys, I'm beyond excited for you to meet someone I greatly admire and who's likely going to change the way you go down if you know what I mean. Okay, but first some background before I get into this amazing person. Past few months we've done a few shows about mismatch of beetles and there's a reason for it and that's because it's a huge issue for couples and no one knows what the hell to

do about it. In fact, I kind of feel it's like the issue. So we did a show. We talked to Stanford expert Dr. Leah Milhizer, with the show's called Make Your Lovido Great Again. We talked about the rise in sexual desire issues for women and she gave real tips to improve Lovido. We also did a show called Married Sex,

but Better with Pam Costa. And this really resonated with all of you because Pam is so cool, because she just got really personal about her struggles. She went really in-depth about, you know, how she overcame her low libido. Okay, so today's show, we're focusing on the other side of the equation, the male side. So we tend to think of low libido as mostly a female issue and not a lot of insight into what it feels like for men to have a partner with low libido, but also what happens when a guy has a little libido? Hey, that happens too.

So this is who we're talking to today. I'm so excited. Dr. Ian Kurner, he's a PhD in license, marriage and family therapist, a sexual health columnist for CNN and prevention magazine and best selling author of She Comes First, the thinking man's guide to pleasureing a Woman. Now I've talked about this on the show a bunch over the years. It came out in 2004, so like a year before I started the show.

And still, all these years later, it's all the rage because it's literally the Bible for any man who wants to truly understand how to please a woman. Live by Oral Sex, it's just like a must read. The details are specific. If you even just read two pages, I promise your oral sex skills will improve. But, oh, if you want to know about this book too, I think we put a link on our site, read the Amazon reviews, and you can also look for the She Comes First banner on my site, or click on books under the shop with Emily Tab. But we're not going to get into that today. We'll take a little bit of She comes first. I can't help it. But really, he's also seen so many

couples struggle with Miss Machel Beatoes and he's got some great insights and I'm excited to talk to them. Hello. Hey Ian, thanks for calling in. My pleasure Emily. I'm so happy to talk to you. I want you to know, I don't know if I told you this or not, but I was reminiscing about, this is not the part that I talked about earlier, but I was reminiscing that I was such a fan. When I first started 11 years ago, my show, everything I read, like any sex article,

sex or relationship article, whether it be like an magazine or online, it was always e-encurner. E-urner. I was like wow this guy maybe one day like I can meet e-encurner be quoted somewhere You know, and I just I've always been at huge failure work And then we actually got to meet and have lunch and I consider you a friend and colleague and I don't know You're just you just you've done such amazing work and I know that one of your you know she comes first Like is a Bible. I was just, that's what I was going about for men. I'm just like, if a guy hasn't read that, I always feel like, okay, it's called, she comes first, the thinking man's guide to

pleasureing a woman. And I just feel like I get all these calls and emails about oral sex. And I should just, instead of just getting into the details, I should just say by ins, but from now on. Because I say it sometimes, but like, you know, people wanna hear the details, but your book was so, after even if it's published in 2004, right? Yeah, it was a while ago now. It's almost 13 years that it's been out. But it's still the best.

I, you know, that book is the little book that just, you know, keeps on going and keeps on giving. I wrote it from such a sincere place in my heart and you know it was more than just about oral sex or sexual literacy. It was really a whole philosophy about men respecting and understanding female pleasure and female sexual anatomy and you know I just, I'm amazed at how the book is continues to be received. You know, it has never dropped, I think, below the top five on Amazon and the sex category,

since it's come out. And it just has its own little magic to it, and I'm truly grateful. Yeah, no, and I'm grateful grateful because I can't tell you. Well, all the women in the world are grateful. No, because really there's so many guys I've talked to who've just said, well, I read she's comes first. She comes and it's the only thing to say on the show,

I'm like, you know, she comes first. It's just become part of like the, you know. Well, you know, it's funny. Did you ever, you know, there's this writer, Milan Cundera, who wrote the most, A Barabiliteness of Being. And so he has said, if I could title every book of mine, the unbearable likeness of being I would because it's just my favorite title, my favorite book. And I really feel that way about she comes first.

Yeah, it's just interesting because there's been, and we'll get, we got, we got so much talk about today. I know you a short time, but it's just interesting because there's a lot of other books you've written about, sax and pleasing women, but this one, you're just going to such great detail. I mean, it truly is like a Bible for men the way you break it down. And I was saying, even if you just read like three pages in depth, you'd learn, believe me,

you'd up your game by 20%. But the whole book, so what's the one thing if there's anything from that that you think if there is one or two things that just people have told you just really resonated for them? Well, you know, I think, you know, for men and women, really moving from an intercourse paradigm, or what I call the intercourse discourse,

believing that, you know, intercourse has to be the center of your sexual menu, and moving from intercourse to outercourse, really embracing clitorial stimulation and manual stimulation of the clitoris, and oral stimulation of the clitoris. And so not only placing the clitoris at the center of sex between two partners, but also liberating men from the anxiety of their penises, whether it's the size of the penis or how long they're going to last or if they're going to be able to maintain an erection. So I think the kind of the reason she comes first to state popular is because it really helps people to relax, enjoy sex, and get rid of so many of the anxieties that are sort of embedded in intercourse. Right. Because they have such a... because this way they're actually get out of their head,

they realize that they're actually succeeding. They're like, oh, I can do this, I can please her. And then they automatically just kind of their anxiety level goes down. They feel more in control. And it's like a feedback. Absolutely. Right. Absolutely. For so many men, it is just the really the pleasure of giving pleasure opposed to sexual authenticity. And you know, when I was early working on the book, I came up with the phrase, I came across it, I came up with it, but the phrase, Viva la Volva. I think Betty Dodson actually used the first phrase. I heard that phrase, Viva la Volva.

And I was like, that's it. That's the spirit of this book, Viva la Volva. And every sentence I wanted to infuse with that sort of enthusiasm and exuberance. I want to teach her to get this. That's what I do.

The vault right now. That's the best thing I've ever heard. Okay. I have to send to the original yoga shirt that says think outside her box on the box.

Oh my god. Ian. Yes. Please. And I'll send you a section that will be t-shirt that says I had sex with Emily and all I got was do that for me. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that.

I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that.

I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to

do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to do that I talked about your background but you do see a lot of couples and you help them handle intimacy issues, mismatch of beados and I feel like a lot of what you probably do with is our intimacy issues but like how often do you see I hate this question is so people ask me this all the time but really like what is the one reason if there is any couples coming to see you like I'm going to say a lot of it has to do with intimacy and libido. So what about from your perspective? Yeah. I would say the number one issue that couples come to me with is desire to scrap and see.

So one partner in the relationship is more interested in sex than the other partner is. And I think, you know, stereotypically, you would think, oh, the Amp Up sex-charged guy and the sort of the woman who's trying to avoid. And certainly I do see a lot of mismatched libidoed couples where the guy does have more desire. But oftentimes I also see women who have more desire than their male partners.

But I would say finding that balance right. Insexual desire is the number one issue. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I mean, yeah, so that is kind of best bet. She'll be those right desire to scrimp and see. Yeah, yeah, I like that way of saying it. I was like, yeah, that that tends to be. Yeah, that tends to be the number one issue.

And then you start to get into different issues like it men, rectile disorder, premature ejaculation, different kinds of erotic conflicts and women, inability to really get aroused, you know, sometimes painful sex, orgasm issues, sex after insidility, sex after trauma. But for the mainstream sort of average couple coming to see me,

it's desire to scrap it. Yes, absolutely. I was saying everywhere I go, I just came back from a dermatologist appointment. She's like, oh Emily, I've been wanting to talk to you. It's like you didn't get this too.

Wherever you go, that is the issue. And I was saying we've done a lot of shows on this in the last few weeks from female perspectives. Dr. Leah Milhizer called in and we had another woman on the show who had gone through a lot of stuff and increased her libido.

But I'm wondering from your perspective, like, you know, how, like what percentage of couples actually overcome it? And like how do you, I guess, what's your strategy and how do they overcome it? Do they overcome it? That's three questions. But yeah, well, first of all, all the couples that come

to see me, I would say I have a very high success rate. I really try and give every, I see couples every other week. I really try and give them homework. That's really custom designed to their situation. I do a lot of psycho education. I think with desire discrepancy, I think one of the huge challenges is that men and women very often experience desire differently

and that men will experience spontaneous desire. You know, they can just see their, their, you know, wife or their girlfriend getting out of the shower, and they are thinking sex and ready to have sex, and men often get the gift ofterm relationships, science has shown that they experience responsive desire. Meaning desire doesn't come first and then lead to sex, that some kind of arousal leads into desire. And so for couples that are frustrated about why they're not having sex, and for men who feel like, man, it's like I step up and pitch all the time, and I'm just like, or I'm stepping up to bat all the time, and I'm just striking like, man, it's like I step up and pitch all the time and

I'm just like, or I'm stepping up to bat all the time and I'm just striking out and I'm feeling rejected and why doesn't she ever pursue? And then I talk to the female partner and she's like, yeah, I don't know what's exactly wrong with me. I like sex. I'm attracted to my partner. I just don't want sex. I really try and move them from a spontaneous desire paradigm to a response

of desire paradigm and to embrace the idea of creating a rouseau in advance of expecting desire. And so, for example, I have a little exercise that I do with couples for homework. I tell them, you know, after giving them a little cycle education, that the most important thing that you need to have, leaving my office, is the willingness to generate the arousal that may or may not lead to desire. I'm not interested in whether or not you're going to have sex. I'm just interested in whether or not you have the willingness to generate the arousal that an all likelihood will lead to responsive desire.

I call this exercise a willingness window and I tell them to do it for 15 minutes, two or three times a week, and then of course they're like, okay, well what are we going to do in that willingness window? And then it becomes creative. I've had couples who, you who, they really want to kiss

and make out again, teenagers or enjoy just that sort of above the waist, fooling around. Sometimes they want to massage. I had one couple. They used to love wrestling each other. And so they wanted to have a wrestling match with each other. Sometimes couples really want to focus more on a brain-based kind of arousal.

So it could be reading a rhodica, watching some porn together. I try and steer my couples towards ethical porn, as opposed to just the free stuff. But I give them this exercise. And again, the goal is not to have sex. It just becomes an exercise in generating arousal. And I gradually move them into that responsive desire,

arousal generating model. And sometimes that's all I need to do. And then they just get used to it. And then they have a new way of sort of talking about sex, approaching sex, coordinating each other around sex. Right. So they find what kind of... So let's say they go home, they do their homework that they're going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be

going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be

going to be going to be going going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going

to be going to be going to going to be going to be going to to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going I'm looking for my leave in condition right now and I gotta go to work. Like that's what I'm thinking if I got one set of sex,

I'm like, I'm getting ready. But, but, right. So they're like, okay, he's not feeling rejected but he understands and she understands, no, we have to do a little bit of this beforehand. We've gotta do whatever it is. If it's the talking or the reading or radica, right? Like kind of implement that.

Make that pretty. Yeah, absolutely. And the thing that I would add Emily is that I try and give them an activity that they're going to find a little exciting to I mean, what sex is sexy sex is around and so many couples are like when I talk about it's the idea of massage comes up. They're like we already do that. We are ready cuddle. We already exactly the affection. So it's not just about physically connecting and being intimate or securing your attachment, it's doing something that's like kind of sexy and civilizing and arousing.

Give an example. Like besides the porn if they're already doing that or besides the, like I'm just trying to understand how, I mean I understand the responsive desire, like I get it, but I'm trying to think of like if people are listening and they're saying, yeah we do that. It's kind of like rewiring the way that they couples connect. So I'm just, so you give them this act, and obviously it's very successful for your couples, but like, like they do it a few times a week, it just starts to become part of their routine, right? Because you're having them do it three minutes, three times a week, 15 minutes is probably more than they were even having sex before. So yeah, I mean, that's probably only one exercise.

And the thing that's really neat about that exercise is I'm asking them sort of to not have sex or I'm telling them not to worry about sex. So, for a lot of people that have, you know, desired discrepant relationships, it's not just the sex that's stopping them, it's the anxiety around sex or the pressure around sex. So when I give them the

sexercise and I'm like, listen, I actually am not, I'm asking you not to have sex. Right. I'm actually maybe even giving you a rule because you both are so fraught and there's so much anxiety. So don't have sex. Yeah, it takes off the table. A couple not to have

sex. They have sex. Exactly. Right. No, I love this. I've said that the couples too like for one month, just rediscover each other's body. So I can see how that works. And they're also coming to see over your other week, which is which is great. Um, and I know

you've had a lot of success with this. And I want to know though, okay, so my other thing I want to talk about because I said we've talked to a lot of women. I want to talk about like men and their libidos because just like you so opened up with, I believed when I started this that it was always about men

like you know, wanted sex all the time and women had a headache and you know, pushing them away. But hey, you know, guys, I have so many women, they're like, my partner just doesn't want it. So is there any like causes for men? You think they're a little bit different than women? How would you describe it? Do you know there's that one? I mean, I think that libido is tied into a number of factors. So there's health factors at play.

There's diet and exercise factors. There is lifestyle factors at play. There are relational factors at play. You could be angry at your partner, you could be bored with your partner. I do find that men derive a lot of their self-esteem and sexual self-esteem is tied to overall self-esteem. I do find that a lot of men derive their kind of their sexual self-esteem from things outside of the relationship sometimes like how they're doing at work, and the kind of validation or affirmation

that they're getting out in the world. So I have seen that when men lose a job or men are going through some sort of transition or men feel stuck, that it does have a very large sort of outsized effect on libido. Yeah, I've see that too. So I think really though, the thing is that, you know, as relationships unfold, men too can start to move into a response

of desire paradigm, where it just takes more to be interested in sex. But I think a lot of men are expected to sort of be, are expected to a initiate sex, be sort of be these walking erections and always be interested in sex. So I think a lot of men struggle under the gender stereotypes around how men are supposed to function around sex.

Absolutely. There's so many that they have to always want it and they have to know what to be doing. And then there is, yeah, they're ruled by their penises. And if it doesn't work or something goes wrong or they don't desire it, it's a huge problem. Exactly, which is why again, I think part

of the success of she comes first was that it really created sort of a philosophy and sort of a foundation for having sex that doesn't just involve your penis. Right, exactly. I loved it. OK, so I think that's my stockings ever ever nice realized. I don't think I've given it to you at

you probably need more than anybody. Oh really? Yeah, for sure. Dude, no way. We've talked to you. Don't come on. We know what? This book I just think it would help you. You don't have to read that. What? Oh, I'm sure you're doing fine. Okay, so here's the other. But definitely I believe that the book can help a lot of people. Yeah, I know it's it's's, the email box is full of people that can use this book. I know and I just say to them, she comes first, you know,

that closed sentence is that way. Like, the funny thing about she comes first too is, I just want to add, then it wasn't just like, the philosophy, I really got into the techniques, I really got into sort of like the text scripts, I really got into the moves. I came up with a lot of like, very creative oral sex techniques, I really got into sort of like the text scripts. I really got into the moves. I came up with a lot of like very creative oral sex techniques like the Jackson Pollock approach. And you know, I kind of tried to make it, you know, really,

it's fun and it's fun and clever. Yeah, that's what I that's why I think it works because it's not just like one of these fluffy books, but you get whatever you cupped topic, you get into it. So it's like you can't not learn from it. Like, so I love that. Okay, so here's my, all that my next question is, I'm curious about. So if we're talking about women with all the video, for example, how, so, because we, again, that's what we've been talking a lot lately. And I'm curious, like, what part, so if a woman suffering from low the video, what part should or can her partner plan it?

Because I think a lot of times like what's the constructive behavior because women think I got to go it on my own like what do you recommend I know you're saying like together they should do it but yeah so I think I you know so we talked a little bit about the differences between you know responsive desire and spontaneous desire we didn't talk too much about like the dual control model or the fact that the sexual brain really is sort of like a card has an

accelerator that's like all the things to turn you on and breaks which are all the thing inhibitors which are all the things to turn you off and I think that men So coming back to this concept of responsive desire and arousal I think that men can really be the leaders and arousal. I think that men can really be the leaders of helping to generate arousal in the relationship. And so that can come up in a lot of different ways. First, it can be sort of saying, well, what are the inhibitors that my partner is facing in terms of getting aroused? So maybe it's like a lot of chores or things or worries or stressors or kids or things that are happening outside of the bedroom. A guy can first of all help

by helping a woman to kind of get her foot off those sexual breaks and reduce those inhibitors. So that's one thing that he can do. The second thing I think is kind of put together the second thing I think is kind of put together like a little arousal plan, you know, for, you know, for example, there is a really cool product out there called Fiera that I like a lot. I was just going to ask you about that. I'm so glad you know, okay, right, love it. Kevin, what do you think of it?

Yeah, so what's that? Yeah, I want to hear your thoughts. I love, we love it. I think it's, I think it's, the fear of. I think it's, I think, the fear of. I think it's really incredible. First of all, I think like, like, like, I think we're living in sort of the Renaissance and the golden age of like sort of like sexual products.

And fear to me is sort of the epitome of it in that it's really innovative. It has great technology. And it's beautifully designed. And it does something really unique. So basically this is a product. It's you know a small sort of I don't even know how to describe it. It's sort of like a small cute little it's cool. It's almost like a tight like a small version of a mouse that you would use on a computer. Exactly. Like a cute little mouse like a pink little

mouse with like little legs. It's kind of cuddle with you computer. But like a cute little mouse, like a pink little mouse, with like little legs, and it's kind of cuddle with you. It's like a cute pink little mouse that a woman sort of puts over her clitoris, and it forms like a seal using suction. And she turns it on, and there's a combination of sort of suction and vibration, which provides a high level of,

what it provides, it provides sort of a base level of stimulation that helps bring blood forward towards the clitoris while providing stimulation and it really helps to create high levels of arousal. Right. Unlike a sex toy, it doesn't lead to orgasm. It's not designed to lead to orgasm. It's just designed to sort of generate the arousal

that will lead to responsive desire. So I often recommend to men that they buy a product like Fiera for their partners. And of course, you know, guys are like, I love the idea of it. I think it's really cool that if she could do this for 10 or 15 minutes and be more in the mood, it's awesome. How do I sort of give her this as a present? Right. Exactly. Like, hey, honey, right. It looks like a cute little mouse. It's going to cut her with your clitoris and turn you on.

But right, how would you say it on though? I think it's just rapid in a diamond or something. No. Well, you know, Emily. So first of all, I do think that men need to understand the concept behind a product like Vera. They need to understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.

They need to be able to tell their partner, like, you know, honey, I find you so sexy. Like when you come out of the shower or when you're just bending over to put some dishes in the dishwasher, believe it or not, I am thinking sex and I'm ready to go. That's me and I've learned, you know, that women don't exactly work that way, and that women need a rousal in order to feel back kind of desire. So I'm all about you feeling aroused. And I want to do things that are going to create a rousal. I want to dance with you. I want to talk to you. I want to have fun conversations. I want to share fantasy. I want to make out with you. I want to bring some fun stuff into the bedroom.

So like, hey, let's get some sexy lingerie or let's get a sex art. Here's this really cool little gizmo, this cute little gizmo that I've been reading about. And you don't make it about fixing a problem. And you don't necessarily even make it the only part of the solution. You make it sort of a multi-part solution

of which Fiera can really be one big part of that. And I mean part of an overall arousal plan. And I think the big thing is that it's not just like here honey, use this, go get turned on. Right. You know, that's the mistake. Guys, really, you know, one thing I explain, that's why sex therapy is so wonderful

because I get to do the psycho education and I get to explain things to guys, the principles behind things. And just like she comes first, once they understand the principles, they can use their own imagination and creativity to put it into action. Exactly.

Yeah, it's perfect for this. You're right, I'm thinking they could, like I'm thinking about like, you know, if people get this after the holidays though, but you could really wrap it up like it's not just the fear, but it's like the fear, I mean, be a toy in some laundry. It's like a little sex kit you put together, you know? So, you know, by the device, get some massage oil. Yeah. So fun. I mean, I love the pairing pairing. It kind of reminds me of like my Bluetooth, you know, but it's like pairing to my clitoris.

And it's a vibrant, it's a huge love. And if you go to clitoris, because he's such a tech guy, but I wish I could show you how it works. It literally is like pairing, and it's like suck again, your clitoris, you'd love it. But no, it's pretty amazing. And I've never heard of, I've never seen anything like it. We've all tried it in the office often.

And I realize the more that I use it, it actually is getting me more turned on, sex is more top of mind. It's fun, I'm glad you like it too. That's great. And what I really like about it too is it's sort of the perfect combination of suction and vibration to really create a rousal

without it taking you over the edge into needing to have an orgasm right away. So I really think it does what it sets out to do, what it was designed to do, which is to create the arousal that will lead to desire. Right. You're right. It's a good, good missing piece. I like it. Okay. Well, thank you, Dr. Ian Carter. This is just- What, in time, what? What, Emily?

This is your first time in the show, but we've been talking about it for a while. I just want you in here so we could do like a six-hour show. I mean, no pressure, I'm going to be a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a

little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit

of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more Yeah, I would go to my website, eincurner.com. Okay, eincurner.com. Great. Check out his book. We also have the links to all of this stuff on our website. And thank you so much. I will see you soon and happy holidays. Thank you. You too. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Thank you.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Very formative. I know he's so cool. Like I love him. We've had lunch in New York. I'm just like, oh, God.

And he's just like a cool, chill, down-earth guy who's kind of Bye. Bye. Very formative. I know. He's so cool. I love him. We've had lunch in New York. I'm just like, oh God. And he's just like a cool chill down earth guy who's kind of brilliant in this area. That's awesome. Yeah. You like him.

And he likes the fear, which I should show it to you about. It's the coolest. Like literally it's like pairing, pairing. And when it pairs to your clitors for the suction, it's like the light turns blue. And he's like, you can like walk around. Technology, man. It's so cool, man. Okay, so that was awesome. Okay, let's take a quick break and we come back.

We're going to read your emails. Answer your emails and change your life. We'll be right back. When this starts to ask me about how to change things up in the bedroom, a lot of times they mention that they always wind up having sex in the same position. They want to know what else they can try. And the truth is, some of the most exciting positions can be difficult to stay in for extended periods.

You want the payoff of an amazing orgasm for all your hard work, but it's not always easy to do. Enter Sport Cheats. Sport Cheats has made sexual positioning one of their top priorities, and frankly, no one does it better. One of their star players is the door jam sexling. The name kinda says it all. It's a strong nylon sling that hangs from almost any door.

One partner suspended in a comfortable seat with their legs held up by the stirrup straps. This gets your partner in the perfect position for upright sex with you standing in front of them, or vice versa. Opening up all new possibilities for more pleasure. If it sounds complicated, trust me, it isn't. We just shot a short video demonstrating it. Check it out at sportcheats.com slash Emily. The door jam sexling is totally safe, very comfortable and easy to use.

It creates a whole new level of control and pleasure. In fact, it's so comfortable, we avoid hanging on the door of our studio now. Sometimes we just hang out and read, answer emails, you get the picture. To see me demonstrate the sling and to order one for yourself, visit sportcheats.com slash Emily. That's spoRTSHETS.com slash Emily. And use code Emily at checkout to save 20% all right minus that's what what time for emails yeah cause I know you love them I love them too you guys you've been so awesome we are getting so many great emails as you know we've been doing more call-in shows lately so you just go to

sex of Emily dot com you click on the ask Emily tab and you felt the form tab that was very Michigan fill out the form and hit submit so easy but now you've an option call Would you like to be called check that box if you would like us to hit you up and set up a time to be called and then You'll call into the show and answer question live which is so fun for us You could also leave us a voice. My you guys a few of you have done it I love the voice message as well. It just gets away from just reading the emails, which I love.

It's kind of nice to hear your voice. 818-ask-sw1-818-27579-31. This is on the website. So just do that. As always, we love your age where you live, how you listen to the show. Yes. Okay. Hi Emily.

My husband and I loved listening to your podcast. As we recently had sexual wakenings and have rejected sex shaming that was taught by our upbringing, we feel like we're finally getting educated about our sexuality and experimenting more openly with each other. I love that he's a feminist and always respects me as an individual. That being said, my question for you

has to do a sexual dominance. I would love to be tied up, pushed around, roughed up in the bedroom. Problem is that this is not at all natural to my dear hobby. In fact, the one time when he spanked me hard at my request, he'd look like a hurt puppy and kept apologizing, even though I liked it. I know the stems from his deep love and care for me and trust, I appreciate that. I liked it. I know the stems from his deep love and care for me and trust. I appreciate that so much. But how could I encourage him to be more dominating?

I don't want him to ever feel uncomfortable and I want him to be able to enjoy it too. So do you have any ideas that would satisfy my desire to be dominated without making a feel like he's hurting me? Thanks so much for your help. Love Lizzie 23, Minnesota. Minnesota. Yeah, that's not Missouri. I just did what people do to me with the Michigan thing.

I'm like, oh, wait, Minnesota's on in Missouri. But I have some, I have some sort of Minnesota info. Minnesota and they were just posting online today how cold it is. Oh, it's seven degrees in Michigan. So let me just finish one thing from Lizzie, because she did a PS. Lizzie, you're a true listener because I love this PS.

I know you like the details, here's some specs. You guys, everyone learn from Lizzie. She says, married four years, we were each others first. We have sex four to 10 times a week. Well, that's a lot. It's great. 10 times a week. We like mutual masturbation with porn,

both from conservative religious families, recently at sexual awakenings and quotes and rejected sex shaming that was top-eroppering. Okay, thank you for that Lizzie. Love it. Okay, so here's a thing, Lizzie, this is a great question and I have to say, here's some steps I think you need to walk through.

First, you have to understand that telling a guy like dominate me or do something that's aggressive is a really confusing message for men. Given the stereotypes, the social stereotypes that men are put up against, you know, from a young age, they're told respect women, you know, you need consent, you know, they want to be the protectors of women, they don't want to bring them any harm or pain. And then all of a sudden, here's a woman who's like, dominate me, throw me against the wall. So it kind of flies in the face of everything they've learned.

So it can be very confused to some men. They've guilt, they've shamed. They're like, this isn't normal for me to be aggressive with a woman like this. You know, because men, I think a lot of men, when they're with women, they're like, oh, we still worried. They're gonna like, you know,

purter or do something, you know, they don't want to a lot of men, when they're with women, they're like, oh, you're still worried, they're gonna like, you know, perter, do something, you know, they don't wanna be like, seems creepy or weird. It's like this ingrained in their system from the time they're young. So that's one thing. So I think how we can help him along here Lizzy is, for you, I would just get clear

on exactly what your fantasy is, okay? So you say you wanna be dominated, but that's like a huge umbrella. So like, how would you like to be dominated? but that's like a huge umbrella. So like, how would you like to be dominated? Do you want to be spanked, tied up, like dirty talk, you know, do you have certain fantasies? Do you want these props, you know, fluggers, handcuffs? You know, like, do you want to throw you against the wall, tear your clothes off? So all of these fall under that umbrella of domination. So it could be clear that he could be that

he doesn't even know exactly what you want and maybe you don't. So once you figure it out and you guys could figure it out together, I love that you guys watch porn together. So pick out some porn scene that depicts how you'd like to be dominated. Maybe you have some fun looking for it, some BDSM, light BDSM, you could big that babe.

That's what turns me on you know Because again, it is very confusing for men So maybe if you give them a little more you know Redirection like you're not gonna rewire the entire milk consciousness But you can show him how turned on you get from a spanking how turned on you get when he like you know Those you get the wall, you know if he sees a connection between his actions of turning you on, you know, if he's going to get, he's like, oh, wow, this is so hot that I'm able to bring you pleasure. And hopefully he'll be able to build like new grooves in his brain that will just kind of, he'll take away that shame, that confusion and just be able to dominate you. It's a teaching thing.

It is. It's hard. Yeah. The only information I was going to share about Minnesota is a friend of mine posted online said that it's 23 degrees with partly cloudy with wind conditions with a chill of minus 17 degrees. So they should be inside like banging like crazy. I know. That's why they're banging so much. No, it's so true. My mom's like, I'm dying. 17 degrees. So they should be inside like banging like crazy. I know, with that, it's why they're banging so much. No, it's so true. My mom's like, I'm dying. She called me today.

She's like, it's so good. Hasn't she been there like mostly her whole life? Yeah, but now she goes to Florida half the year. So she's been a franchise. Yeah. She's got the Florida. She's going to Florida on Friday. Yeah.

Her price here. We're going to Florida. Oh, Disney World. Land, I don't even know where I'm going. Oh, you're, because you're taking a cruise. You're probably going to Fort Laudale. Fort Laudale. And I am going to Orlando.

Where is she at, though? She's in Sarasota. I have no idea where that is. No, you wouldn't know, but it's a cute little town. She likes it there. She's so far. I really want to go to the Florida Keys and check that out. That's fun.

Florida's fun. It is. It's like hot. Everyone always bags on it because all these crazy stories come out Florida. But look how big the freaking state is. Thank you, State. bags on it because all these crazy stories come out for it. But look how big the freaking state is. You know. There's a lot of different places.

It's quirky. It's kitschy. It's Americana. Okay. Another email here. Dear Emily, my name is Rob. I'm 51 and live in Indiana. I've enjoyed your show for several years.

Enjoy the topics and discussions between yourself, Anderson Menace, and the rest of your wonderful stuff. Hey. I'm writing to you today concerning a concern. Recently, I lost my job of eight years. It all boiled down to the powers that beat, and I appreciate illness, and other things due to my age. Of course, there wasn't, that wasn't the official reason.

And since then, I've experienced an increasing rise in the to masturbate, or have sex with my wife. The thing is, even with masturbating or having sex more than a few times a day, I'm not feeling any elation or pleasure. I have the enjoyment while in the act, but afterwards comes a feeling of nothing, just a feeling of trying again.

I do wanna note that previously my drive was totally normal, let me know what you think, thanks Rob. Wow. Wow, I know. So Rob, this is interesting because this is like exactly what Ian was saying. And I've said this on the show, is it many times that when a man, I was trying to pinpoint the differences between like what, like what affects women's libido and men. And like Ian said, I totally agree for men, it's like loss of job, security, it's tied

to their self-esteem. So right now, I think you're probably feeling a little depressed. I mean, that would make sense that you lost your job. There's no explanation for it. And you're trying to use sex to kind of play a key or numb that feeling that you have from losing your job, but it's not working. And so it's not gonna work because you need to like get into,

you need to actually experience the emotions and all the masturbation and all the sex in the world are not going to help you go through the grieving process of the job and just whatever sadness you're feeling because the sooner you do that, the quicker you'll get to the other side and get through it and then figure out what's next, you know? But it's, you know, we all go through these cycles

of being downed, oppression. So, you know, again, you're not alone. When men feel stressed about work money, like it literally has a direct switch to the beat. They're like, I'm worried about money. The beat. So I would just say Rob that just maybe just kind of take a break from the set. Don't like keep looking for this to be the the the set your salvation. I think you need to take some time and get into your feelings, thoughts, emotions. Okay, Rob? Hang in there. You got a wife lovely wife. You guys could talk a little therapy. Never hurt anyone. Easy. Easy. Okay. Next email. We got. Hi Emily. For as long as I can remember, I've had a true love of women's feet. This is for you, men. It's because I know you love women's feet. Yeah, I know. I just want to understand it. But here we go.

I'm always trying to understand it. I know you are, honey. So long. I've had, I've loved women's feet so long. I liked that they're well cared for and attractive. I've never thought of this as an unhealthy appreciation for a part of a woman's anatomy that can be quite lovely. Obviously, with all the money that goes into petty cares,

foot care in this country, each year, women must also agree with my philosophy. Here's my question, M. Why do you think that foot appreciation still gets a bad rap and has looked at some as being weird and kinky? I truly just don't get it. In my book, it's no different than appreciating women's legs, bottom breasts. Yet, it still seems to be a topic that is made fun of and joked by many. I'd really like your thoughts on this. I realize I'm probably older than some of your listeners, but that does not squelch my

appreciation for the beauty that women bring to the table. Thanks so much for your time, Emily. Love your show. Scott 59 in the United States of America. Scott. So he might have a foot fetish you might not, and he just says he really loves feet. But I think this is a great question Scott, because to be honest with you,

with all the goddamn money I've spent on pedicures, I would love, like never know guys I would've been like, wow, is that like fire engine red nail polish? That's so hot. No guys, I have nice feet. I'm not even weird feet. They don't appreciate it. So I would not be like freaked out if a guy noticed it.

But I think what you're talking about is like even incorporating into sex, like why is it so weird? And I think the reason why there is a stigma about like foot fetishism and stuff is because we, I think we have an image in our mind of men worshiping women's feet at the expense of all other intimacy, like they just want the feet. They just want her to like step on his head with the heels or he wants to rip, you know, we want some lick down her leg and take the stockings off with his mouth. I don't know.

And I agree that it's part of the process of appreciating to be turned on by women's beauty and there shouldn't be a stigma. I'm telling you when a guy has like on the rare occasion, like not even compliment my feet, but like played with my feet or give me a foot massage or like sucked my toes after shower. Don't get grussed up. I knew my husband was gonna say, no, but like play with my feet or give me a foot massage right like suck my toes after shower. Don't get grussed up.

I knew my ass was gonna say like no, but I think it's hot. Like it feels good, you know? And I'm curious if you're asking about the stigma that's coming from the woman you're with or just society in general. So women, I think, you know, they might just not be used to a guy taking so much interest in their feet because it's just, again, not so familiar. So with a new woman, I wouldn't just jump, hopefully, just like a new guy who just jumps into like, hey, let's just have sex.

I'm like, appreciate my breasts. Let's make out for a while. So, I think you gotta go slow with anything. Like, you don't want to just dive to the feet, but I don't know why. It's interesting because the feet are something that we also look at is a lot of people Look at is like weird or ugly or smell like people have issues with feet. Uh-huh. Definitely. Do you I don't have I'm not issues with feet, but I mean if they are not well-capped then yes Do you notice that though like I do notice it? Yeah, they're not well-capped yet, right?

Right, okay. Well, I definitely know some. Yeah, right it is, but like I don't know I mean, I think foot fetish. Yeah, it just has this weird. It's been like this image. We have in our side. But I do notice also a woman that has the same size feed as me. Really? Do they ever do you have small feet? No, I have 10 and a half standard. What's that to woman's weight though? I don't know what that is, but I would do I do recognize that. Yeah. Okay. But you're not like. I don't know what that is, but I do recognize that. Yeah, okay, but you're not like, I don't know, I know that guy. I'm like, oh, she has quite a large, right? But that's my take on it.

I mean, I get there's a whole piece of you. It doesn't give me a boner or anything. Right. I got it. Okay, so that's what I think there, Scott, I wouldn't, I mean, that's my answer. That's what I think. Don't share it on it. Have some film at the feet. Yeah. That's all we got time for here.

That's it. That's it, man. Happy't trip on it. Have some film at the feet. That's all we got time for here. That's it. That's it, man. Happy holidays, everyone. I know. I love you all. Everyone has a good time. Hook up, have a lot of sex, stay in the house. Have a lot of days or do whatever.

Have fun, but to always be safe. There's always a little bit of lift. Yeah, exactly. All that stuff. And I love you all. Thank you for supporting the show for an hour We're heading into our eleventh year and menace can find God check out his show Tell if you have even one friend of Minnesota

Minnesota Missouri Missouri St. Louis St. Louis let check out the Woody show if you're in Los Angeles check it out support them Thank you. It's at menace across the board. Yep And find us also you guys. I love it snapchat Twitter Instagram. It's at Menace across the board. Yep, that's me. And find us also, you guys. I love it. Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram. It's all at sex with Emily. Subscribe to the newsletter. And now download Google Play SoundCloud Spotify.

Shop with Emily. We've got a great store. I love you all. Happy holidays. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemmely.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

There's just something about the fall that makes me feel like cuddling up with an old friend. And hey, you guys might have some fun memories too. Yes, I'm talking about the Intensity by Pormaw. The Intensity is an amazing product that has made a serious impact on my life. Let me rewind a bit to explain. The Intensity was originally developed as a medical device to cure, yes, cure incontinence issues. You know, like you sneeze and you pee.

Because these issues typically stem from a weakened pelvic floor, the intensity works by applying gentle electrostimulation directly to that muscle group, giving you an amazingly effective cagal workout. And you all know how I feel about cagal exercises. And for a little plot twist, the makers learned that the product's only real side effect was an intense orgasm. So realizing the intensity was a winning combination of utility and pleasure, they enhanced it with a powerful vibration and a clitoral stimulator.

The result, much more than a sex toy. It's a product that's changed my sex life. I mean, G-Spot orgasms anyone? The intensity combines two things I love and talk about all the time. Cagulaxercises and orgasms. To find out how it can change your sex life, click on the intensity banner on my website or go to pornwad.com. That's POURMY.com.

you