Sex With Emily - The Most Common Fantasies (& How to Actually Try Them)

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

In this episode, I'm breaking down the sexual fantasies you voted on most wanting to learn about: role play and scenario-based fantasies, power exchange, sensory play, and voyeurism and exhibitionism. I cover what each one actually means, why so many of us are drawn to them, how to bring them up with a partner, and the props and tools that can help you ease in. Whether you're totally new to exploring or just looking to deepen the conversation with your partner, this episode is your permission slip to get curious, communicate openly, and make sex feel playful again… because that's exactly what it's meant to be. ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.  CONNECT WITH EMILY: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe  Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  Chapters: 0:00 Welcome to Sex With Emily 2:59 Most Popular Fantasies Revealed 4:03 Roleplay and Scenario Based Fantasies 8:41 BDSM Explained for Beginners 12:21 Tools and Techniques 17:11 Sensory Play and Temperature Play 18:58 Voyeurism vs Exhibitionism 20:21 Exploring Fantasies Without Pressure 22:44 Favorite Toys & Finding Local Communities 25:03 When Partners Have Different Fantasies 29:24 How to Try New Experiences Together 32:08 Are They Weird or Harmful? 36:24 Psychological Benefits 40:32 Exploring Fantasies While Single 42:03 Planning vs Spontaneity in Relationships 43:40 Kinks vs Fantasies Explained 46:49 Fantasy vs Fetish Differences Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I am so excited to finally share this with you. I am going on tour. It is the best sex ever tour. And I hope you'll join me. And the show is all about you, the audience. Every night, I'm going to be answering your questions, win prizes, and leave with secrets to have the best sex ever. Every night is different because the show is all about you. So here's the dates, July 7th in Rosemont, Illinois at Zanis, then heading to Philadelphia on August 5th.

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The thing about role playing is that it's just, it can be as simple or is as elaborate as you want. But the goal is like you're changing up your persona. You're not just the same person that shows up every time that you have sex. It's not just like whips and chains. It's about trust. It's about communication and respecting each other. The stuff that might feel painful actually feels very pleasurable in the moment. It also really helps with communication. You know, communication is lubrication. Hey everyone. Welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. And my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. This show is all about you. It's about

you having better sex, expressing your desires, and knowing exactly what you want. Also be sure to follow me on all social media. It's Sex with Emily everywhere. Subscribe to my YouTube channel for full episodes and my newsletter. You're going to love my newsletter. I've been told I give a really good newsletter if you know what I mean. It's sex withemly.com slash newsletter. And Finally, I'm going on tour, and I hope you join me. I'll be going all over the United States, and my first stop is in Chicago on July 7th, and the show is all about you. I'll be answering your questions live, we'll be in games, there's giveaways.

It's going to be such a good time. You can find that at sex with Emily.com slash events. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Hi. Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. Well, that's exactly why we created the shop, Sex with Emily's store.

Everything in there is curated by me and my team. And these are products I trust. I recommend to clients. And what tell my friends about. I do tell my friends about. It's what I talk about all the time. Whether you're exploring solo pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner, or you really just want something body safe and beginner friendly.

We've organized it so you don't feel overwhelmed. People love the dame pillow for supported sex. The Magic wand waterproof. Oh my God, it's so good. Cray Vesper, massage candles, Joe flavored loob, Wee, Vibe Touch, clitoral vibrators. There's just so many things on there

because pleasure shouldn't be confusing. It should feel empowering. You can check it out at shop. dot sex withemly.com and find something that supports where you are right now or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Everyone, this today we're talking about,

which is sexual fantasies, are part of being sexually healthy. What I found most interesting was this poll that we did that a lot of you answered in the app. It was a question, which sexual fantasy are you most interested in learning more about? And so I thought, why not break some of those down and then answer some your questions. Welcome everyone. So the question was again, which sexual fantasy are you most interested in learning more about? Ready for the winner? Tide. First and second, tied is role play or scenario-based fantasies. And the second most popular thing you want to learn about is power exchange or BDSM, followed by sensory play. 20% of you were interested in that learning about

sensory play like blindfolds restraints temperature play and then finally you're interested in voyeurism or exhibition exhibitionism which was the last one oh and then finally i'm not sure yet still exploring eight percent of you so those are the things i'm going to cover today if you did if you're not sure you're still exploring i'll also cover that as well so i'm just going to give you an overview and then i will answer questions and some of you have already sent in your questions with I have so I can answer those as well. All right. Let's get into it. So let's talk about role playing for a minute or scenario-based fantasies. So first, that was 30% of you were like, yes, I want to learn more about that. And that seems to track. It feels like over the years,

people like, roleplay seems like that would be just such a fun thing to do, but it seems so incredibly awkward. I'm not an actor. What am I going to do? And then what if I laugh and what if it's weird and all the things. So we'll cover that. But first let me say that sex is weird, sex can be awkward, and sometimes we laugh. And that's something that we can get through. Role-playing, why is that hot?

Why are we all interested in role-playing? And so what I love about role-playing is that first just explaining why that might be interesting is because we all know that sex, we've established, right, that sex can be a little bit stale after a while. your habit sex with the same person in the same room doing the same things. And sometimes we just want to mix it up. And it's sort of like an adult make, believe, where you step into a new role.

You let your imagination run wild. And there's so many different fun scenarios you can do. I was just thinking, like, I know this that in my book, I have like a bunch of them listed out. Like I think I had 44 listed out. But it could be like boss and employee, sub, you know, superhero and villain, doctor, patient, teacher, student, bartender customer, doctor patient, librarian bookworm, forbidden lovers, firefighter rescued person, a criminal and a hostage, two people having an affair, housekeeper, maid, pool attendant, the last two people on earth, lifeguard victim,

masseuse client, two co-workers, flight attendant, pilot, I could go on, but maybe some of those scenarios like, oh, we just saw a show about a flight attendant. And like, that would be fun because my partner and I already watching that and that would be easy to get into. Or maybe that one of those actually did peak your interest. But the thing about role playing is that it's just, it can be as simple or as elaborate as you want. But the goal is like you're changing up your persona. Do not just the same person that shows up every time that you have sex. And you can add props and get into character. You can add in costume. and different accents and different voices,

if that's something that you're into. If you have a Halloween costume that you love from years past, like, pull it out. I mean, personally, I think it's really fun to wear something sexy. Like, why do we only do that at Halloween sometimes? Or why do we only dress up when people ask us to? But you all know that when you dress up, you kind of have that, those are always really fun nights out,

especially if you feel good. You're like, I'm a different person. I can show up. I've got a different kind of personality. And so just thinking, if I am a different, this role, what would I want to portray? So who would I want to be? You can go along with the, you know, let's say it's the classic pizza delivery person and person who's orders pizza. So I can see why that would be very awkward. You're like doorbell rings. Oh, hey, that's just

my partner standing there. But it's okay to laugh. It's okay to be like, oh, that's funny. But I'm telling you, as somebody who's practices as well, yeah, it's funny. But once you, only one person has to keep it, keep straight. for a second, right? You go like, maybe your partner's laughing, but then you're like, okay, no, really, you owe me a tip for the pizza. So that's just part of it. It's, um, it can be, you can just start with like a change in persona, but the key is like talk to your partner about communicate, you know, communicate with your partner. What excites you both? Set some clear boundaries just to ensure that everybody feels comfortable and safe. So

final thing I want to say about that, because we're going to get into it more next week about role playing is that one of my favorite role playing scenarios is sexy stranger at a bar. And I don't know if I've said this on here before, but I have many people I recommend this to and they loved it. This one, you don't need any props or any costumes. You can just show up at a restaurant or a bar with your partner and you get to think about your alter ego. What would your name be? It's really fun to kind of be. Hi, nice to meet you. What's your name? And then just sort of go off on some fun little story with your partner. I think that's why role playing is so fun just because you could If you don't want to really play the role as much as much as the words in creating a story,

you dress up in something. Wear a wig. A wig, that is just a big change of character just to even have a different color hair. Your partner's like, I'm always with someone who has brown hair, and now you have blonde hair. Right. So let's talk about power exchange or BDSM. Now, BDSM reminder stands for bondage, discipline, domination, and submission, and sadism, and masochism. Now, this is really some of the most common fantasies for people, but I think that,

and I can get into what all those roles mean, but BDSM is really about a consensual power exchange, where one person is in the dominant role and one person is in a more submissive role. Now, maybe you already know that part of it. But the reason why people find this so, this was 30% of you thought that this was something you wanted to learn about. And why this is so interesting is because, and why it can be more mild. I think first off, let's talk about what people think about it. They think it could be really painful or it's only for people with trauma, only people who like to experience a lot of pain. And none of that is true. In fact, even the data has researched people who are heavily involved in power play or BDSM. And they find that those people are the most

excellent communication, it actually enhances their intimacy. And what I love about like BDSM or power play is that a lot of us have talked, we've talked about this before, but when we're having sex, it can be very easy to disassociate, to think about a fantasy or something else to think about what you didn't finish that day, maybe you're thinking, I hope this is over soon, or I wish my partner could just do what I told them, all those things. But when you're at, actually engaging in a consensual power dynamic and role play, actually deeply engaged. Your mind isn't going to be wandering. Your mind is engaged with your partner in the moment and you're playing this game. You're playing this, you're together in the experience.

It's like a very, it's a very direct and specific way to become completely connected. And really practice your communication skills, which are so, so important. Especially with BDSM, it can be like really liberating for people too because you can explore different facets of your personality in a very safe consensual environment. So it's not just like whips and chains. It's about trust. It's about communication and respecting each other. And so again, I do think it's really, really stigmatized. But some of the things that I've found the people in these relationships is more about. trust because you really have to trust the person that you're in this speedy as m relationship with you have to trust them you you you are consenting it you know maybe you have a safe word that's when we kind of go as you're like what's your safe word and if you just want to

practice with a partner or something light a great safe word is using the traffic light like red is stop yellow is like caution green is go that could be just a fun if you're like a way to way to play if you're like what should we do here um and also for some they're just surrendering for a lot of us to really be in our bodies and have a lot of pleasure completely sent surrendering to someone can be so freeing and so erotic and so sexual and so connected so we're really um again able to let go and that builds back to the trust um we might also just be less be less you know worried we're not in our brain worrying about our performance were like truly embodied. So before you get into BDSM, I'm going to show you some props here, but you want to set the ground rules with your partner.

What are you both comfortable with before you start? Again, some basics would be some spanking, some light spanking, some handcuffs, a blindfold. I was just kind of getting out some of my props here. I love these little like kind of floggers. This is a really fun one. And there's different ways to practice this. Now, you want to make sure, again, you would start, anytime you're gonna do a little bit spanking with your partner or playing with your partner,

that's where the safe word comes in. But you wanna make sure you start really lightly and just tapping. And you actually don't wanna do it on a hard part to the body there. That's why the butt can feel so good. There's not only nerve endings there, but it's squishier, right?

So you wanna be, just avoid these parts. That is not a squishy part, but you know, you wanna like find the parts of the body that have a little bit more flesh on it. Some other really fun things to do in this category are like blindfold is a really fun way to do this as well. The reason why we love blindfolds and why they're so popular is because when you blindfold somebody, you're taking away one sense, which is sight.

And then all the other senses become more enhanced, more intensified. So if you're blindfold and then your partner takes something like this and you don't really know what's coming next, that can feel really great. And you can use things around the home. Like they call them pervertibles in the business, like a hairbrush or a comb or a necklace, right? You could have dragged the beads on your partner's body. Like these are all different ways. And that's actually a lot of sensory play as well, which I'm going to get into. But you really just want to start small with beady.

it doesn't have to be like a whole experience it could really just be playing with pleasure and pain now if you get into the the bondage so there's the bondage and the discipline part and I love some bondage here's some of my favorite things I love bondage tape I don't know if you wonder so bondage tape is just like a clear tape that looks like electrical tape you know it's so funny that I'm really hoping oh this is bondage tape Sometimes, like real tape, like sometimes I always joke, like, is this a bedroom? Is this a household object or a sex toy? We never know. But this is actually bonnet's tape.

It comes in different colors. It's such a fun. A lot of them have color. They're not clear. So you could actually use them as a blindfold, not this one. But it sticks to itself. So you could just like wrap this around a partner. It like stays in place.

It's just a really fun hands tied and the back. You could use that. feet tied hands tied that's really really fun bigger paddle there's all these like let's see there's also underbed restraints those are really fun for anyone who's into um any bondage it has what i love about under bed restraints it's by a company called sports sheets is that they're always under your bed and there's four restraints on them two for your hands two for your feet and they have like some velcro around them and they're just really really easy to use so well let me just say what else did I say here, the bondage discipline. So bondage and discipline do we get that what bondage is and

discipline? This is all power play. Then there's dominance and submission. Now you could dom through text. You could say you're part of like show up here tonight wearing this and that. You could dom a lot just using words. You could use it using like banking or or restrictor or a rope tying. And then sadism and masquism is people more who want to be insults, who want to be like like told that they're a bad boy or a bad girl and or people who are really more into pain. Now, a lot of people are kind of confused by this that I don't want pain. Obviously, you are building up to a partner. You're not just starting and going really painfully, but our pleasure receptors and our pain receptors are very closely related to each other. So there are times where

you might, you might see over time as a practice that the stuff that might feel painful actually feels very pleasurable in the moment. And so you want to be. safe, you want to start small, you want to understand that there could be some risks. And one more thing I want to say about BDSM until we get in some questions is that aftercare is so important. Aftercare is so important physically, emotionally, I think with every sex act, like I love aftercare. I want to cuddle after sex with a partner. But when it comes to power play, discussion, cuddling, cleaning up together are great ways for you to unwind and feel more connected after. Let's get into sensory play sensory play blind pulled restraints temperature play I just pulled out

some of these these could also be used for that for BDSM but that's just basically enhances your pleasure by stimulating different senses or depriving others to heighten the others so this is also blindfold feathers ice cubes restraints temperature play wax ice and a little little massage candle here I talk about these all of the time and because I love them. So this one I'm going to blow out for a minute. So this one has been burning for a few minutes. So this is when sensory play is really fun. This is also when you can do a blindfold. And so let's say one night like you are blindfolded and then your partner, you don't know what's how you're the one who's giving and you're blindfolded. And then you just pour a

massage candle. It has to be made for as a massage candle. And it's just, it's just, it's, It's not waxy. It's not sticky. It's not going to burn you, although it did just pour on my laptop. But it becomes this really warm, luxurious massage oil, but the heat of it can feel really great and just erotic to a partner. And you could also have a fun night where your partner's blindfolded and you're using a massage candle, and then you have some ice cubes, and then maybe you're using a warming lube or a cooling lube.

And the focus here with sensory play is really all about sensation, allowing you to be really, really present in the moment. And, yeah, temperature play, restraints, all that. I kind of merge these two with BDSM, so I can also go back to that if you guys had more questions about actually setting up a BDSM relationship, which while we'll get to. Okay, so voyeurism and exhibitionism. If you were interested in that,

voyeurism is simply being aroused by watching others. like it really turns you on to watch other people having sex or exhibition exhibitionism is you're being aroused by being watched so you could practice it practices by watching erotic films together or playing outside where you're like you know you could even role play scenarios where you're caught in the act right like someone caught us or we're being secretive like all of these sort of can melt into each other where you can figure out what elements of these are getting you going or getting you like oh yeah that would be really fun to play with that scenario. And just it also does that include public spaces. It doesn't have to. You could do it in the privacy of your own home through imagination or consensual viewing. Like maybe you're taking a shower and your partner's like watching you. And that could kind of get the same sort of vibes.

And it's just that it's about like getting turned on by observing others in the moment. And it's just, it's exciting. It can be very exciting for many couples to play with this one. Also, I don't know where you all live, but many places, do have play parties or sex parties where you can go and watch. You don't have to have sex. You don't have to do anything, really. But they can be a fun place for you to see, like, would I want to be watched?

Do I just want to watch? So those are fun. And then finally, some of you are still into exploring. And I just want to say that that's cool, too. It's okay to still be figuring things out. And sometimes what we were into before, we're not into now. So when you're exploring with a partner, it's about being fun. curious and discovery you don't have to pressure yourself to like get it right it has to be perfect

explore different you know listen to podcasts about it let's read books about it join this forum see what other people are doing but just have some non-judgmental conversations with your partner about it and then see where it takes you and it's also okay if you don't have fantasies too like i think that a lot of people when they think fantasy they're thinking like i have to have this elaborate scenario in my mind and i'll be honest with you i'm not somebody who has a lot of fantasies i don't I don't inherently have a fantasy about certain things. I think I'm more of a submissive. But I remember having friends in grad school in the somatic training

when I was just lesson Danielle, and we have to talk about our fantasies. And there was one woman who was like, I pictured myself flying on the ground and there was all these people around me and I was being swallowed by the earth and Mother Nature came down. And it was like she had this whole scenario in her head about this,

thing and I was like I just my brain does not go there which is why I really love play I love role playing I love BDSM I love all the props I love getting into it because I'm somebody really wants to be present with my partner I want to play games I want to engage so this is what I love about this group here and all this talking is like I'm just putting it out there and so you can all see like oh that was interesting that that sparked my curiosity so those are some of the things I did explain yeah bondage, discipline, a little bit, just to go back to that really quickly, basically setting rules with your partner, you probably all get this dominance and submission, just the power flow of energy between partners, and sadomasochism is a community, which basically people are

deriving a lot of sexual pleasure from that rush, that adrenaline rush of endorphins from receiving pain. And those who are inflicting the pain are known as sadists, while those who receive are massacists. So there's my overview of the things you were most interested in. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. free of charge.

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Visit Wayfair.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home. Yeah, I mean, you guys want to see. I got a whole box of props here, but I wasn't sure. If y'all want to see, let's see. I love the bondage taste. I love, oh, these nipple clamps are really fun too. These are by, oh, my bod, I believe we have these on the side.

I know they were sold out for a while, but here's why I love them. It's like jewelry. I've never, because I've also never seen anything like this before. A lot of nipple clamps are really, if you've seen them, they're like metal clips that you pinch, pinch, and they're like actually could be very painful, but if you're into that kind of thing, that's awesome. But these are really fun, obviously.

The right time, right place. but these actually vibrate. These are vibrating nipple clamps. You can control them with an app. They're a little bit of juice. They're just really, really fun. So that's fun, but also the good old nipple clamps are really fun too. What else?

Are there any specific questions? Let me see what else I can have in my box of toys here. Just like handcuffs are fun, their restraints. Yeah, I think you've seen it. Anyone have a question? Great question, Dom. Is FetLife pretty much the best spot to learn? You know, it was for many years.

The website FetLife is the best spot to learn about local lifestyle. I haven't looked at it in a while, but I think Fet Life is great. I also think, honestly, you guys, Google sex parties in my area, play parties in my area, and see what comes up. Because I think that these days, you can pretty much find it anywhere. But FetLife is great. The app field is a really fun place to do it, too. I think you do have to be a member of it, F-E-E-E-L-D, but they might have some resources for you. So that's a great question.

Love that you about restraint to Adam. Hi, Adam. That is amazing. Yeah, like literally dumb, simply yet effective. These days, I'm just like, yeah, Fat Life or Google Sex Party in my area. Something will come up. And believe me, there are every areas. I have people all over the world who have called into the show in places that I would not think would have vibrant sex party

communities and they do. So I'm pretty confident about that. Okay, this is an email we got, a question we got before I went live from Pony Boy. He says, I also have that here. He said, I've been a long-term relationship, in my case almost 30 years. It seems inevitable that partner's sexual interest and curiosities change. Yes, they do. That's how we're giving you some really fun information to play with all month long. So, what? What's to any of his question is, what's you're thinking about partner A making a request that partner B isn't interested in doing? And partner B also saying, no, I'm not okay with you experiencing that with another person. I respect all people's boundaries and preferences,

but to be honest, saying no to both the request and permission to experience it outside the relationship, even with a professional such as a dominatrix, feels unfair and uncontrolling to me. I personally would never do that to my partner. partner. If I said no, I feel it's only fair that I accept and exploring the request at least once outside the relationship. Okay, I read this earlier and I read it differently, so now I'm glad I read this again. So what you're saying is one partner is saying, hey, I really want to be spanked. I want to be tied up and spanked. It's just, I'm just making up a scenario. Partner B says, I'm not interested in that. So partner A says, well, there is a dominatrix. I could pay

and go see and I could pay them like money for an hour. It's one-way touch we're not going to develop feelings or you know there's none of like exchanging names it's just it's just paying it's basically sex work paying to have my needs to fill outside this relationship but their partner also says no to that now i think in many cases that is a great that is a really good solve for some people they're like oh i have no interest in fulfilling your fantasy it's like my partner doesn't you know my i'm trying think of all the things that you do with friends because your partner doesn't want you right like your partner doesn't like to hike you're going to go hiking with a friend They don't like tennis.

You find another tennis partner. With sex, I understand why that's a lot trickier for people because they're like, no, but this is one thing we do not outsource. I do not want you to be with anybody else doing this thing. And I understand that that is our culture and most of us are not comfortable with the thought of even thinking of our partner being with someone else. So what I would say here, what I'm going to say is when our partners typically are a hard know to things that we request, a lot of times.

we need to give them more context. We need to explain now. If that's the first time you're hearing, like, so you're going to go to someone other person's going to fulfill this fantasy for you and I'm not, I'm already feeling really bad about myself that I can't do it, but now you're going to do it with someone else.

That's a no. But giving them more information about the context, like, so I was thinking how this would work is, it would be an hour a month, and I've talked to a friend who've done it, and here's what it looks like. And what this would do is I would come

home being really aroused and turned on and I think it would really help enhance our connection, like kind of giving them more context and just laying out that they would actually be able to understand what it means for you to go elsewhere to get this need met. Sometimes we forget to give them the context and then to also explain what it would do for your sex life. Like how would you going outside really help your relationship, right? It's the same thing as people saying, I want to have a threesome. Why won't you have a threesome?

But then you got to explain, like, I have a fantasy of a threesome because I really think it would be hot to see you with someone, me, you would do for our relationship. We just don't, we don't often know even. So before we have any of these conversations with our partners, it's good to get really clear on, like, why do I want this fantasy? Why is it important to me? I mean, maybe for this partner, A, it might be important to say, this fantasy has been part of my erotic development for as long as I can remember. I've always wanted to experience some more a professional dominatrix. And I think it's a really important part of my roboticism. And I'm hoping, you know, and I think if I could really get, explore this, it would allow me to fill in the blank.

So really think about why it's important to you. Why you want to try this? It's a great question. So that is my answer there. But I understand wholeheartedly you think that, say, saying no is controlling and I think there's nuance. I think it know it means that you can come back and offer some more context. Another question from Adam, I'm curious to know how to navigate a topic from the yes no maybe list where both partners are a yes but there may be uncertainty how to move

forward. Lingering fear lack of experience, how do you take that first step with something new? That's a great question and depending on what is first of all I love that it's something new. Right, like first off, some of the top advice I remember giving like, even in the beginning was like, if you're getting a little bit stale in your relationship and you want something, you want to try something new, spark that adrenaline. Every time couples try something new together, whether it's like you're going to hype, you're skydiving, you're exploring a new city, it is a bonding experience because you're releasing those endorphins together, right? So I think for this one, it depends on what it is, of course, but the first, step would be talking it through like, okay, so we're both a yes on, I'll just put, I'll just say

anal sex. The yes on anal sex. We haven't tried it before. What is this going to look like or why is it your fantasy? Tell me when you picture the anal sex happening, like what's happening? Make this some like, like expand this conversation beyond the yes to like, okay, so you said this was a yes, the yes. What do you picture happening?

Like where are we at? What was happening before? What was happening during? You know, just kind of tease it out a little bit. Like get really clear that you're both, that your yeses are both clear to both of you. And then try to gather as much information as you need. Now, I know I've probably done 10 episodes on AIDLSEX. I know it's in my book.

I know it's on the website. There are other sources you could find. So you might think, okay, well, we've got to make sure we have a lot of loob. The sheets are clean. My bowels are clear, right? So just sort of co-create it together. Have some more fun with it. and do a little bit of research and see what you both come back with.

And then schedule it. Schedule a night. I mean, I'm such a fan of couples being like this is our one night a month where we just explore. We take this night and we check off some things from our gas no maybe list. Or we know we're going to try one thing new sexually. It could be a toy. It could be a lobe. It could be a new position.

Could be a flogger, right? could be a blindfold. So kind of have some fun with it. And yeah, the yes no maybe list is just a start of the conversation. And also we did a great, yeah, podcast on it. We have more information on the yes no maybe. But if you want to ask me the specific act, I'd love to hear it. Oh, thanks for putting field in there. Anyone else have any other questions about any of these fantasies or they want to try are any scenarios, how can someone deal with the fear that their fantasies might seem weird or abnormal? Are there any fantasies that could be harmful to pursue? Yeah, I think there's a lot of, that's a great question to ask Brittany that, that there's a lot of

fantasies that, I mean, a lot of fantasies are going to seem weird and abnormal. In fact, remember that Kinky is really anything outside of the mainstream sex, which is missionary sex. So a lot of stuff seems weird and abnormal. But the ones that would be hard, I mean, there could be plenty of these. It could be harmful if you took a regular candle instead of a massage candle. You practice choking a partner without consent and without actually knowing how to choke someone. You tied something too tight. And that's why it's so important to know what you're doing. And if you guys are interested in beginner bondage play or BDSM, I would take a class Again, in your area, BDSM classes in my area, power play, consensual, find classes online,

really get comfortable in how to execute on these things. Obviously, we've all heard stories about like autoerotic a situation where someone like chokes too much. That's my big fear around choking too. Like make sure that you know how to do the things. So, and again, anything that it's harmful if it's not consensual. It's harmful if one person really. wants it and the other person is a no. I mean, all of these have to be highly consented without

threatening your partner. If you don't do this, I'm going to leave you, or just springing it on. You're not going to spring on the blindfold and the restraints and even the massage calendar or anything until you've already agreed that this is an area that you both want to explore and become experts in together. Like, there's not one person that has to know everything. It's okay for it to be awkward and fun. You guys are learning something together, right? And so yeah, I just, again, this has to be a hell yes on both sides and or even a like, that's interesting. I don't think I'd want it that way, but could we try it this way? Like you get to decide how to make these fantasies your own. There's a lot of people that are really into like, let's say power play dynamics,

but first they want to watch porn that plays out. Like that's where I love porn. Like, let's, I, you know, So my partner can't even be said, I would love to tie you up and do more bondage. My dog wants to eat the feather. Don't do that. She loves grabbing sex toys. That where one partner is really into it and the partner, other partner isn't, you're allowed to say, you know, I don't really understand. I don't know if I want, I don't know if I really understand what that is or I've seen,

I've watched 50 Shades of Gray or I write it. It seemed like painful. Can you show me something? And then you could watch some porn, some ethical porn. You can like show. well I thought this scene was really hot here's my inspiration right so when you're pitching your fantasy or what you want to try with your partner when I said to bring context into the case like bring a clip from porn you love read erotica together and say read this this this scene I found

read this chapter is that hot like let me let me tell you what I found it hot like you know the time when your partner comes to you and they're so excited and they're like really passionate about something and you're like, okay, I get it. That's contagious, right? So when we're talking about these things with our partners, we have to just be a little more delicate, a little bit more prepared and just really get clear on our why. Why is this important to me? And I'll go back to Pony Boy. I don't know what your request is, Pony Boy, that your partner is an interest in doing. But think about why is this your, like, where did it come from? What was the origin of it? When did you first think this would be hot? When did you first see it? What does it look like? Right? So again,

Telling this story around our request can be a beautiful way to not only explain it to our partners, but increase the chance of it actually happening. Oh, Adam, I'm so glad you've expanded levels of wow and you too. Now what? Your answer is very helpful. I'm so glad, Adam. Thank you for joining us. Are there any psychological benefits of embracing sexual fantasies? Yes, there are psychological benefits. It's, first, embracing our fantasies is such an important part of embracing our authentic selves. So if there are fantasies that you have that are still feel very shameful to you and very hidden, or I could never tell my partner this, that's going to really wreak havoc on our mental health and our ability to feel truly connected to a partner.

And so when we can actually come forth and say, this is a fantasy I've been wanting to share. This is why. This is why I think it would be a great part of our sexual connection. There are benefits to becoming closer to the strongest, most authentic version of ourselves. And so I think that that's something I really want to talk about is that we're only as sick as our secrets. And while there's some secrets that we should keep, like some fantasies, I've often said that there's two kinds of fantasies, really. There's the ones that we want to keep to ourselves, and there's the ones we want to actually act out with a partner. And so I think there are real benefits in sharing our whole selves sexually with a trusted partner.

Some other benefits, psychological benefits of our fantasies, is that it really enhances intimacy. Once we get over like the shame and the like judgment maybe we have around our partners on either side, when you're doing something new together, it can help build more trust and understanding and acceptance and it can create just a safe space because other things might come up, other emotions and desires might come up just from sharing this one fantasy. It also really helps with communication. You know, communication is lubrication. But this is why couples who really are in the lifestyle

or who are open or are just interested in part of SmartSX, the more you learn to communicate about the specific things around sex, it really requires all the things that make you a great communicator and effective communicator, active listening, empathy, really effective communication, which are the skills that

are important to practice throughout your relationship, right? They can apply these skills to other areas in the relationship. You get really good at them doing it, talking about it sexually. And I think it also really helps with our self-confidence, too, to be like, well, our partner and I are actually advancing our sex life. We're actually trying new things. We have kind of stale for a while, but now we're like, this has become a whole other topic that we talk about, you know? And I know I've said this a lot to you, but once you get into the groove with your partner, about sex, it becomes such another fun thing to talk about, you know, what are we doing this weekend or where are we going on vacation and what kind of sex toy should we try? Which fantasy do you want to

try this weekend? And I know some of you might hear that, we're like, but that makes it less fun or that makes it less sexy. Like, really? Like to me, it just makes it way more interesting. When we're having sex next time, I know that I should have the restraints out and I should have the candles out and I should, you know, be ready for it. And to me, it becomes a lot more exciting rather than wondering, are we going to have sex? And we're not going to have sex. Are we both going to be in the mood? I think that it's just, you know,

sexual fantasies are a healthy part overall wellness. And so part of our, you know, it's sensual, it's experimental, it's truth-telling, it's bonding, and it's play, right? Like, I think that all this stuff I'm talking about is playing. And I would love to see a world where sex is mostly seen as play and pleasure and less about fear and shame and trauma, truly. Because at the end of the day, we want sex to connect, to enhance intimacy, but also to feel good in our bodies. And there's just so many layers to that.

So anything's keeping us from that, that we can have a great connection with somebody and play with just one of these fantasies, you know, see what that does for your connection, your self-confidence, all the things. What are the benefits of single people pursuing fantasies and some tips to? to find fantasies as a single person. I recommend when you're single, you do some great work when you're single. So you can also take the yes, no maybe list, which is part of the download on the app.

But just get curious. First off, if you have a fantasy about BDSM, for example, like you wanna be part, and again, I live in LA, but I know that they have like BDSM circles where you can go and you can, someone will practice, Practice spanking you or teach you how to be tied up or you can watch someone else being tied up. There are so many communities now for you to engage in with other people who just want to play even when you're single. So in fact, I think that's a really fun, like again, a really fun time to explore.

Read erotica, watch porn, start creating your own list of what are those things that maybe when I do find a partner that I want to be with that I can share. But if you are single but looking or single but dating, I also think go crazy. And how fun if you are dating, just explore this with someone maybe that you're not as serious with, but playing with. So let me catch up here. Raymond says, it's a great question to ask about, is it a boundary? Like, what is it about your, what is it? Raymond saying, like, what is it in your partner, pony boy that they're not comfortable with it, right? What are the actual steps?

What is the boundary? Like finding out more why that's a no for your partner. So Dom says you've been trying to rework your brain to look at planning things that way your wife needs preparation and to know things are coming, whereas I find a lot of excitement in Spotten 80. But I think part of that is being stuck on looking to the past when Spottingity happened constantly in our honeymoon period. Yes, Dom, I love that you said this. You don't want to hear something funny about spontaneity. Something interesting about that. I remember once we did this huge poll and we must have gotten like 500 answers from our podcast listeners.

and I asked people for like their most memorable sex. And nine out of ten times, it was when it was unexpected. I met somebody. We didn't know what's going to happen. I thought sex wasn't happening. It was like, oh, my God, it took me by surprise. But it's really hard to kind of create that over and over again. It was memorable, but I always want to say, like, was it the most satisfying?

Was it the most for both people? You know what I'm saying? Like, did yelab orgasms? Was it all great? So I think the spot maybe is something that we can like really cherish. but maybe, maybe, Don, there's a way to have it planned, but for you to bring the spontaneity, right? So maybe you always bring in an element of something that is unexpected.

You dress differently, you say something differently, so you can still be spontaneous within the plan. So you can still get a little bit of that. And yeah, that's when spontaneity happens, usually in the honeymoon period. And then all the safety happens. And afterwards, you become attached romantically. have a different kind of arrangement and it can be more challenging for the spot in 80 but it doesn't mean you guys could discuss your fantasy and what you want to work on and then maybe you could

take her away somewhere for the night um so michael says the difference between a kink and a fantasy you use anal as topic of discussion is that a kink or a fantasy great question i think i have fantasies that i would not be able to bring to her life but would be hot to discuss my partner whereas i think a kink is something other than missionary sex but that you would have to have a yeah for context lady girl would not let me you go down and they're not even try she just drunk okay she said that she'd never that's a great question and i think we've kind of used them interchangeably here a kink is more of like an umbrella term for basically anything outside of the mainstream a kink is is sort of fantasies fall under kink

bdsm falls under kink um a kink is just really anything you know outside of mainstream i mean it could be kink for dirty talk a kink for uh bdsm them, right? You can use kink in so many different ways. And so I think that that's a great question. I mean, it can be simple, like complex. I mean, a kink could be like spanking. You could also be into group sex. You could be into wearing costume. So a kink is probably everything we've talked about, but fantasies are more specifically, you know, and I know BDSM we've kind of wrapped in there because it might be your fantasy. So fantasy is just what you think they are. I have a fantasy of tying you up or I have a fantasy of spanking you. I have a fantasies of having sex on the beach

and everyone's watching. Does that make sense? But even having sex on the beach is like a kinky act, right? Does that make sense? So I hope that explains it. But I know that the term kink, I don't even love using it because I feel like kinky is such a bad. I always say this to my team. Like, what do you mean we can't say kink? Because it's like people think it's, I always try to use the language that is the most welcoming and accepting. And I feel like the word kink somehow has an expectation around it or a judgment around it. And like, but basically just means that like sexual practices or fantasies that are non-conventional. But think about conventionalism.

Again, it's missionary people, married monogamous, not talking about sex and they're certainly not part of the smartest sex form. So I would say you're all a little bit kinky. We're all a little bit kinky by being here. Most people we talk to are probably not having these conversations, and therefore probably not having the best sex because they're not communicating about it. Yeah, so to read your context, I need a girl would not let me go down in her, not even try, she's strong.

Yeah. So, yeah, you felt that was a kink that became an unfilled fantasy. Yeah, it's probably, again, it's probably both, that she wouldn't allow you to go down in her. She wouldn't allow other things. You probably started to fantasize about going down on her, but also to want to go down to someone, I guess that's, yeah, that could be kinky too. I want to use a sex toy in someone. That's my kink. I want to, I want to somebody to talk dirty me. That's my kink. Does that all make sense to everybody? Oh, Unsuror, I love that you did the yes, no, maybe exercise as a single person. That makes me so very happy. I love that so much. So, and then if you want to know, like, common kinks, I think we kind of, I think that that's a great. And then if you want to know this, this difference between fantasy and fetish, a fetish and a fetish and a fantasy.

is actually something like I said that you want to try or you don't want to try, but it's like a fantasy. Like that would be, it's like fantasy is nice to have. It'd be really nice if I could go down on that person or it'd be really nice to have a threesome or it'd be nice to buy some bondage gear. A fetish is actually something that is required for your arousal, meaning somebody has something has happened. There's different ways that fetishes get linked up to our brain and into our sexual play. but a fetish could also be you could have a fetish for actually for kink you could have a fetish for latex you could have a BDSM fetish you could have a fetish for threesome's but what that means is that it's actually a requirement so a fetish for nipples if that it means that every time you have sex let's see if a foot fetish everyone's favorite it means that in order for you to derive the most

sexual pleasure you got to have a foot present you have to have latex present there has to be BDSM happening or it will not happen. And it really can be a challenge for people to work through their fetishes sometimes to find partners that are aligned because it's actually part of their psychological conditioning for many different reasons. People get linked up to a fetish, but sometimes it could be something that happened in childhood. You know, they saw foot. They were in puberty, going through puberty, and they had a really sexy math teacher, and the teacher leaned over and scratched her foot at the same time. He was having a thought about math equations and then that became his foot fetish, right? It is typically more men who

have the foot fetish, so that's just an example. Could be the first sexual movie you saw involved feet, involved latex, right? So that's kind of how they get linked up, but for some people, they get really lodged in. And for some people having a fetish can be distressing, right? It can be like, I don't know how to have sex every time with a foot or with a, you know, but that's kind of the difference here for these purposes. So, right, Michael, that's awesome. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, damn, your wife relationship. You could snap to attention much more quickly and stay there. Fetishes seem to be the key to me getting to get multifaceted.

Yes, you guys, there are so many things that go into us being aroused and turned on. And the problem is we often just say it's our partner. It's their problem or my problem because I have resentments or something goes on. But there's so many different layers to it, especially as we get older, right? Is it hormones? Is it medications we're taking? Is it, are we exercising less? So we have less blood flow.

Are we just super stressed out? remember you guys the pleasure thieves stress trauma and shame when we are in an active state of stress or anxiety it's really really hard to to to get aroused to have arousal like the cortisol is spiking and we can't feel arousal in our bodies so there's a lot of things to get in a way but all the stuff that we're learning here and smart as ex and all of you being here is such a gift really to to all us to me tell all of you who are getting to know each other here right because we're keeping this conversation top of mind. We're learning how to be better lovers to each other.

We're exploring our fantasies. Yeah, Dom, I hear you, vacation sex. I'm telling you so many people like vacation sex. Because we're out of our bedroom. We're out of the same places that we're having sex all the time. They're so welcome, Dom. Thank you. Thank you everybody for joining today.

I so appreciate everybody. It's great to see everyone again. Thanks, everybody. Have a great night. I appreciate all of you and lots and lots of love. Bye.