Sex With Emily - The ONLY Thing More Important Than Sex

Episode Date: July 15, 2017

Ever heard that in order to master something, you have to put in ten thousand hours? Sex and relationships are no exception. On today’s show, Emily is joined by co-host Anderson to help coach you through life’s hardest (literally) challenges! Wondering if training for a marathon can pay off on the streets and in the sheets? Want some tips on “duty dating?” Plus, make sure you tune in to see what women value more: great verbal skills or great bedroom skills! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm here with my co-host, Anderson, and we're helping you navigate your dating, sex, and relationship questions. Topics include facing your fears and enjoying sex again. How to break the cycle of dating the wrong people, and guess what's more important to women than great sex? Tune in to find out all this and more. Thanks for listening! Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day.

Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm off here. So, I'm going. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. So Anderson, let's talk about what happened.

Do you have a boss that's going to yell at you if you don't open the show properly? No, I'm a boss. Right, so let's just do it. This is so good. It's great to see you Anderson. I haven't seen you in a while. Good to see you, Em I was thinking that a lot's happened since I've seen you. Yeah, I've not heard from you. You haven't written you I'm called out. You haven't texted me really. My mother. Yeah, what's going on there? I was in New York for a week For work. I went there with Cosmo magazine. Plume me out for a really fabulous event. I was afraid I did a bunch of things when I was there, but this was one of the main things and I met a lot of our fans on the East Coast. A lot of them came to the event to meet me. They heard about the Cosmo event on the show and they all were interested in fans.

I got a lot of East Coast. You know what's funny? And I thought, God, I missed that guy. First of all, not fans, listeners. I don't have fanatics. I don't like that word. I'm sorry. first of all not fans listeners. I don't have I'm sorry. I've been doing these things because this is a quick little plug for me real quick But I've been doing these things to make she's already called chats with Andy you can get over on my website Anderson calendar.com and you just lost that what chats with Andy is what what I'm calling them and I when I put my I put my chats with Andy and when I put my son down for a nap I'm sitting in the backyard and I call the listeners that buy this chat with Andy And I talked to him for like 20 30 minutes and I've been talking to people from all over the world and a number of them found my shows from you

By listening to sex with Emily and they're like I saw I always asked the standard question like what showed you listen to the Film vault after zester and a number of them has said that they started they found out about my stuff from listening to me on your show. So I said great. Thank you for that. Yeah. That's really cool. So are you trying to say that people can go to chats? Anderson Cowan.com. Okay. And then they can buy time to chat with you a face time. It's not the cheapest thing, but it's 50 bucks. And I keep my face off of it for like 30. No calls been under 30 minutes yet, except for Angela. I should charge everybody that much.

Angela is about to have her 60th birthday and she was quick to get off the phone. She valued my time and she said, go back to Atticus now, go back to your son. That's sweet, you could just, we're 23 minutes. Call her. Sometimes they're going for like over an hour.

Yeah. And you'll cut him off. And her voice starts crying. And the car on the machine like do charge them. I'm like a peep show, yeah. You're like a P. are and I'll do phone Will you okay? So they're just calling that's it. That's actually really interesting You can talk to about you know love-line days I mean

People have asked me like what's Emily really like is she really that sweet and I'm like oh god No, you should see her when the mic's turn off monster They don't ask now. I said no, they actually did and I say it's really fun to talk about you because you were one of the most genuine, authentic people on air as well as off air. And you never have talked shit about anyone, I don't think. I don't. It's just weird. I don't know what to talk to you about sometimes because I'm so used to talking shit

about people with the ladies. I'm hanging out with you. It's like who would get to talk shit about you. I don't like talking shit about people. I got nothing. No, really, like everyone, you know, we just do it to build ourselves up. You're like anti-bravo. you would not fit on a bravo show Although I was ironically a bravo show and it didn't work because they wanted me to be a bitch and talk and fight and be

Say negative things. I'm like, I don't do that. Emily doesn't do that. I don't do that Well, that's lovely Anderson. I'm glad that you're being you're keeping busy at home and taking care of the child while you're chatting to people Right having phone sex with your listeners. Mm-hmm. That's awesome. I'm really that's good It's very innovative. Well, I'm happy to see what I was going to say though. So I was in New York and I was thinking to myself that, you missed me because I was like, okay, and I was like, Lark, let's get in there.

So I was like, I summoned you. Oh, that's what I wanted you to be here. And you're here and I'm happy. The little tougher these days, because you know, you're far away and I got the boil day and I'm gonna stay at home dad, right? Right. And you guys have made it quite clear that you don't have,

you're not equipped to be able to, uh, baby, so the child, well, let me just tell you that, that Jamie's still traumatized. I had to pay for therapy. She's was in therapy for like the last six weeks now, ever since she had to watch your child for an hour. Not because your child's a bad child.

Jamie's never held a kid before. Right. That would be a lot to just, all of a sudden. Ever, and you're like, here you go, boop, and you're like, he'll be fine. We'll give him a block. He's like, you can't do that. I'd give him a block. Whatever you gave him. Ever, and you're like, here you go, boop. And you're like, he'll be fine. We'll give him a block. He's like, you can't do that.

I'd give him a block. Wherever you gave him. And it was really Jamie like literally was like, I'm so sorry, like she felt bad. I think it was stressful. Yeah, it was stressful. But just to be clear. You can't just drop a bomb like that.

I'm sorry. And she's got tweets to do in blogs. I got emails. She's run in the, yeah. I got plenty of emails dating back to Madison. I'm saying, hey, I'm coming back. I'll come in, but I gotta bring the boy. No problem at all.

Many email, I'm sure Lark saw emails as well. It was not a shock. But you remember that Madison left? Yeah, but still, like I- You just assume that anybody can hold a child. I will pull emails up. I couldn't hold a child like, listen, until my niece, I was third year when my niece was born,

and that was the first time I held a child. I was like, oh, I got it. You gotta get it open, man. It's just mine mine, you know it's pretty simple. Okay, fine It's a little trainer, but next time Jamie she's fine So you're fine now too and we do welcome your child here You know what next time if I have to bring them because the show is we can make an octagon out of dildos I we could do that and I can also did we get that part we were talking about your office at Tylenol PM So I'll just drag them up. You what?

Oh, don't drag them up. Yeah, and then go to sleep. Okay, well, work it out. But anyway, I'm happy to see you. It was funny though. We liked having a kid here that day, but I do love having your dog in my lap right now. So that feels really good.

Having Stanley feels good on your lap, is that what you're saying? I love him. I feel like I keep circling back to, I just really need to get a dog, because I, when I really like in relationships, I mean, obviously sex just really need to get a dog, because I would I really like in relationships. I mean, obviously sex is really important, but so I've been dating somebody. But you have.

Yeah. Look at this. I know. Talking about it on the show. Right now I am. I just decided to. Really? Yeah, I mean, it's. What's he do?

I'm not getting into that. Does he have kids? But I went on a vacation. No. Good. Oh, that's probably a pretty good one. Because I can't imagine you holding his kids. Well, I wouldn't drop them, just because I drop Stanley sometimes, so I mean, I would drop them. No, I'm probably a pretty good one. Because I can't imagine you holding his kids. Well, I wouldn't drop them.

Just because I drop Stanley some time, so let me know I would drop them. No, I'm really good with kids, actually. I would just buy a heart card that I had to do Jamie because she never held a job. You have to learn that skill. You didn't want Atticus to be the training wheels. Like, I had to cause my newborn son.

I guess he's not a newborn. He's like nine months now. Yes. Yes. Anyway, I went on vacation to Hawaii for a week. You're on your phone. I'm so stressed. I'm just distracted by your. I want to bring up the truth about me. I'm too. Let Hawaii for a week. You're on your phone. I'm so shocked. I'm distracted by your, I wanna bring up the truth about me.

Oh, dude. Let's let it go. I'm running about the child. No, you guys are making it, making it feel like I walked into a movie theater with a child or something. No, it would be, Oh God, do you do that?

No, fuck no. Okay, honey, we believe you. It got it. Madison, Madison was here and she was like, great, bring up Madison. It was no longer here. We didn't double check. You probably said to me, you said he'll be easy and sleeping,

which I wasn't thinking to myself, wait, your kid's only six months old. That's probably not true. It's fine. Honey, you're fine. You're learning your new father, new son, Jamie's, we're all learning together. Can we just move on?

All right. I need your focus. Undivided attention. I just told you about a guy. Now I don't even want to talk about him anymore. I changed my mind. I changed my mind. What he did, you gave me the stop sign.

Doesn't matter. What he does. Let's be honest. Is it better? Yes. No, I don't even want to talk about anymore. I changed my mind. What he did you gave me the stop sign. Doesn't matter what he does. Let's be honest. Is it a matter? Yes. No, I don't fucking know what he does. Nothing against anyone listening to the who collects garbage. I find you.

You think it's take naps now too. You hear that? What? Yeah garbage, at least in LA County they sued because they weren't allowed to take naps during their breaks and now they can. Really? All right, sorry to do this.

I agree. That's what you do. Really? I'm going to start imitating you. Where is this guy? What's the word? Does he live around here? How many dates? Oh god.

Does he massage you? Let me back up. No, not enough. And so I've realized, does he make a drink? Massage? No, I mean, touches, but I just feel like that a lot of the benefits of having an animal, having a pet, things like that, like, cuddling and having, like, a part, someone comes home when they're really happy to see you. And just, mostly it's the cuddling and having like a part because I'm gonna come so I'm really happy to see you and just mostly it's the cuddling and the

physical touch I love it and so that's why I was talking to my mom again about and she's like so how's the sex with the guy I'm like it's good I like him but I really just I would like to spend every night with someone possibly it's a dog and we talked about this years ago when I had a dog and she's like maybe it's time you just get a puppy. It'd be good to get a puppy but here's the thing don't have that. He's gonna love this. I don't think he listens to the show, but I always get into this problem

and then he's gonna listen and then. Actual human relationship, you know, you'll be that weirdo that has a time. I'm not gonna get cats, don't worry. So you're gonna take cats, so. It's not so many animals, and while you're dispensing sex relationship advice, but you're going home to like a Stanley point, 2.0.

I like the, how would you meet this guy? Who was it on the internet? Who? I don't wanna talk to you. Hold on, do you're doing it. How would you meet this guy? Who was it on the internet? Who? I don't want to talk to you. Hold on. Dude, I don't care. So he's awesome. We've known each other for a long time.

We're friends and we decided to like start hanging out. And I really like him. And I also like dogs. Because you've taken a nice break and I think it's time to get back out. Yeah, I've taken a break. So I've been dating and now we've gone on vacation together, but we also have this history I've known him for a really long time.

So we'll see what happens and there's no like pressure. He knows me very well. He knows my issues. The other great thing is that we both like our time alone, like we value that. So I'm off for the relationships now where you really don't necessarily have to move in together. Right. Right away or even ever. And you can have your separate spaces and come together. And I just perfect. And you do actually desirable. When you do actually do. When you already know them, there's not a whole lot of surprises. Like I've been in a couple of those relationships and they're nice.

They're really nice. Yeah. So that's fun. Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. But I'm going to ask you plenty of questions off air and you will answer them. Yeah, I will.

But there's another thing I was thinking about. So we went on vacation and to Hawaii. I thought you were to say Mexico and you got a mess. We take one of Mexico. Oh no. We went two places. I went to Mexico for the weekend. Not the same place where you had banged the you got a mess. We take one of Mexico. Oh no. We went two places. I went to Mexico for the weekend.

Not the same place where you had banged the masseuse. No. Okay. I was like, I'm gonna be on for a few hours. Couple of massages. Different place in Mexico. Okay. God, I love that guy.

That was amazing sex. No, I did not. But I had, we went to Mexico and wait, we didn't get massages. Did we? No. Oh, come on. And is that usually your life that crazy? You can't remember massages. Did we? No. Oh, come on. And is that usually your life that crazy? You can't remember if you got a massage in Mexico?

Oh, I did. No, here's a thing, not from him. But the place we stayed at is amazing. And we went for a weekend. And when we got there, they give you, they have a spot. And they give you a massage. Like you walk in and get off the plane. And they're like, let's-

That's part of the package. Yeah, but they're just like, here's a 20 minute teaser. Here's a shot at Tequila. have a massage, have a nap. That's the thing in Mexico, they just feed you to the chula. But they should do that. I feel like every hotel in the world, every place, they should just give you a goddamn massage. You change, you settle in, you're like,

I'm on vacation now, can I have another shot? Like, sure. And it's a great way to get you to use the facility, calm your ass down. Yeah, so it's all good. What I thought about on both of these vacations is well, one of the places didn't allow children, which was amazing. Oh, yeah, you know what, I'm just finding those places now and it's all good. What I thought about on both of these vacations is well one of the places didn't allow children Which was amazing. Oh, yeah, you know what? I'm just finding those places now and it's too late for me

But well no what I'm gonna tell you is that it's really really important For you at this point even just nine months into having child that you take time away without your son Yeah, and you have to I can't okay, but you can. And I'm telling you that I see this, no, I've been talking about it and researching this and talking different couples. Well, you're talking to the wrong person because you got to talk to the wife because she's the one who has this connection with.

This is what I'm telling you. The wives don't think they can leave the kid. Like, didn't your parents leave you? She's not worried about it. Look at us, we're fine. We go see a movie. But you know what? Lean it over during the movie going,

I miss my son. I'm like, yeah, I'm cool with the movie. Okay, well, here's the thing. Is it right. I don't know. I think that this is where couples start to lose it. When they have kids, it's happens right away. They have kids. I understand it's the most important thing she has to be there. She's the mother, you know, you're the father. I get it. It's a child. You're trying to write the new experience for both of you. It makes sense. It never been parents before. But I feel like this is when couples need to start prioritizing

their sex life and their relationship and holding it in just as high regard as you do being parents. Especially right now, because my mom is living with us while she's waiting for her house to go through S-Cross. So why can't you guys take a weekend? Yeah. Or even a night. I booked one on the way to the show today, actually, but it's going to be with the boy.

I think you need to go without the boy because this is where couples, you don't have that time to bond, you need that. You need to be, you're saying, I could see that being, I could see that being, as important as going to the dentist and getting your heart checked and all the other things you do if you're out going to the gym.

I could see that being an issue, but she works all day during the week and she doesn't see him much and when she does see him, and we're good, we're doing, we're quite healthy, we're making things work. In fact, just the other day,

she goes, you know what? It just occurred to me. We haven't had a fight since Christmas. It's July and we haven't had an argument since Christmas. That's great to your best friends, but how's your sex right? She's strong. We actually had an argument in February, but still it's been a while. That's crazy. We've fought, but how's your intimacy levels? We're good, but you know moms in the house right now. So it's a little tougher. What a great time to go for a night. So all I'm saying is that there's all these couple and I would talk to them and they're like, Yeah, we're on vacation and why but our kids are here. So it's not really like a vacation. So all I'm saying is that there's all these couple and I would talk to them and they're like yeah we're on vacation and why but our kids are here so it's not really like a vacation. Look I'm down for it. And I feel like we all need vacation in life but then we just the couples don't

totally hear what you're saying. Just saying it's important and I was just checking you with you about that. I would love to but I don't know if I could sell it to her because I don't think like I just said it's hard to get her to go see a movie without him because she misses him all the time. Right. She loves them. They got a really strong bond. Of course she loves him, and he's going to be there, and she's a great mom, but I think that we're better parents when you take time for yourselves and that your kids, you know, they will see that, and they will see you value in your relationship, and mom and dad,

like love each other and prioritize each other. I will try and sell her on the back. I'll let you know. I really hope I can sell her. On my vacation. Yes. What's thinking about you? That's very nice.

Can we do sex in the news now? Yes, we can, but I got one more things Okay, so last week we had a show on July 11th and we had a question. I just want to make a clarification here Okay, we actually decided to edit out the question Corrections and retractions. Yeah, here we go. Cool. New York Times. There was a question from an at-year-old guy John in Minnesota about his 12-year-old niece and she had borrowed his phone and when she gave back, he realized that she was searching for some stuff, and she was looking at porn. Oh, no, he's very concerned about, you know, a minor, you know, looking at porn, in which they do.

And so, I just want to clarify my answer in this, because Jamie was on the show, and we were talking about a lot of different things that come up with that, but the first and foremost, it's important to always speak with the adult that's closest to the minor. So definitely speak to the parents of his niece and talk about it tell him what happened I just want to clear from my answer because we talked about a lot of things in that show and though i did say that i don't know if it was that was as loud as it should have been so talk to the parents always talk to the parents i would never guess a twelve year old girl would be you know peruse really Really? Oh, dude. Yes. Oh, you're wrong. Yes. It's all that's what they do. They get the kids in the fall. All ladies in this room apparently did or do? No, I mean, no, but like, I have like a godsendoon when he was seven. He was like pretty ladies with big boobs. Yeah. Yeah. That would be a funny segment on some show. Like what kid serves for? Yes. Like, boob girl. Right. Exactly. He's like, titties. Blond, you know, it's like,

it was bad. So at L age, they're doing it now, which is why more than ever, parental controls on your phones and your computers, all that stuff, so important. Important, yes. Oh, but now, now? Sex in the news? Sex in the news, sweet. 88% of women will day-to-guy who sucks in bed if he can communicate.

Oh, like, you'd give that, you'd give in, that they give it to that. So there was exactly, so this was the study that came out, and they surveyed people, they had a series of questions. And it was basically the percentage of people who would prefer their partner to be great and bad or that was the question, like, would you prefer them to be a great cook or great and bad? Would you prefer them to keep the house clean and tidy or great and bad?

So communication trumps all. Communication trumps all. I don't know. I mean, I feel like we're always saying like communication is really important. We need to talk to our partners about what we want. And men said, what did men say? Yeah, both for men and women. I know.

I was going to actually say what I would think that men would want sex long before communication. Like they wouldn't even care if she's the same way. That's what's so surprising. No, I think that we all want to be able to have people with someone who we want to communicate with and we want to be close. What about communication to love? Right, sex is a form of communication. Yeah, but I think that couples who communicate with, then we want to be close. What about communication to love? Right, sex is a form of communication.

Yeah, but I think that couples communicate better like I always say, communication is a lubrication and that you have to be able to talk to your partner about everything. So ultimately what you're saying, both men and women, the study says would rather talk than bang. Well, I think that the more they talk

and the more they really are, It's all woven. It's all together. It's all woven together. Where is the study from? So this study, thank you for asking me, Anderson, from the UK, 1500 people. Oh, it was from the UK, but it was people in the EU and the United States about trade offs, about how important sex is a long-term relationship.

So communication to the women, like I said, a vast majority of the women thought that communication was key in making partnership last in the Medmore Not so far behind, but here's the part that I love the most. Anything that substantiates great oral sex, I'm all four. Men and women would date someone not good at penetrative sex if they were very, very good at oral sex. 73% of women would give a part of a chance if Conalingus were their specialty. They're special.

Like that's, in the end, we need just the mouse. We need to communicate with the mouse. Yeah, I know. I'm thinking like this is all mouth-centric like when you're looking for a partner You should be like looking at their mouth more than any other part of their body exactly right can they talk and can they suck? Not suck a bad but suck on your right yeah, and you know what this is come up while they're doing the oral That's like the best of all world you think some guy I don't know why don't know if they like the communication and like the oral Like let's talk about who's gonna be taking out

that he's gonna be folding the laundry now while giving you a blowjob. So you mean it's like, it's kind of more efficient. It's multitasking. Right. They're like, I have a series of things to discuss today during our oral sex recession. But I think it's just, this just comes up all the time

that oral sex, especially for women, like they're more likely to orgasm. And the thing that I thought about this is that also, even if you feel like you're not great at oral sex, I do think that it takes some practice. Yeah, it takes practice for sure. Let me ask you this. Do you think that hands with lubrication

could do the same thing that a mouth could do? If done correctly with skill yes. I feel like sometimes you don't need to put the mouth down there. You can do pretty much everything with the hands. Depends on the person, on the vulva. That you're dittling. I'm talking about men to women too. I'm talking about much everything with the hand. Depends on the person on the vulva. That you're dittling. I'm talking about men to women too.

I'm talking about the cuddling. No, I actually was picturing men to women. I wasn't picturing men to women. Not the police, you know. I wasn't even picturing men to women. I think. But I think for the guy could use his hand if he's got the skill. Absolutely. And if she's cool with that, quick to be like, God, he put the mouth down there.

A lot of the time, if you know what you're're doing You can do just as much damage with the hand Something about like the warm out in the tongue and the intimacy. Yeah, I get it But in some women don't they might prefer the fingers I'm just saying pay attention to that and foreplay is really important and I was thinking about men But and women we expect that we're gonna be great at pleasing our partner right away And we're gonna be great like all sex masters But anything that is worth doing and that we value in life is gonna take time.

And it takes 10,000 hours to come and ask for this. So I was thinking, when my friend's up with this guy who was like 20 years older than her and it was the best oral sex she's ever had, she's like, well, he's put in the 10,000 hours. I thought to myself, maybe he has, and maybe in life for sex, I'm not saying you need 10,000 hours, but just everyone go easy on yourself.

And you can, you get better each time or you get to, and really it's all about paying attention. And it's not even so much about like I've, you know, I learned with this clitoris number six that I saw that it's more about just being in the moment being present paying attention to your partner and pick up the skills. I always say that you pay attention to your partner. You don't get lost in your own world. It's a tango. It's the two to tango, right? You gotta be watching what she's doing or what he's doing and pay attention

and zoning on that. The 10,000 hour thing, it popped up because of a popular podcast recently in a guy that's a theory. That theory, did you feel like I was fairly proficient at running Love Line and making everything happen over there? Sometimes. What? Yeah. How? I'm doing. I've got 6,800 hours. running love line and you know making everything happen over there. Sometimes what? Yeah.

I've got 6,800 hours. I don't even have 10,000 hours, 17 years of love line every night. But I think the driving back and forth, it was in your consciousness. That's part of it too. Well, apparently according to this, I don't know how to run. Actually, you know what? That's horrible example because I fucked up a lot of life. I have the endless rule of an air. I know I can't pull off.

You were great at love, I liked those studies because obviously nothing is set in stone, but I feel like I'm doing this show for 12 years. It depends on what you're doing too. If it's like taking a shower, I don't think it takes 10,000 hours to learn to take a shower, simple things. You know what I mean?

But really good things that take a lot of skill. You can hack things too. There's like, if you're paid, I just think it's all about paying attention, paying attention. Being focused and processing things once you learn them. I can't, yeah. What?

It's hard for me to believe that people could have sex and just kind of mail it in, not really think about it while they're doing it. You know, just kind of like, all right, go through the motion. It's like, it's such a intense thing. And I guess there are a lot of people who do that. A lot of people, a lot of people don't prioritize sex,

think about sex, and that's what I was getting at. I mean, this has been my whole thing lately, you know, I guess always. If you're going to do it, do it right. But we make sex so... Tapu? Well, yes. So challenging, we make it so difficult, we make it so scary, we have so much fear around it that we just shut down to it altogether, but yet sex is the most pleasurable thing on

the planet that we can experience. Whether we're alone or with a partner, but we don't nurture it. Like masturbation, I have to encourage people, right? And they do it and they're like, oh yeah, I masturbate. I feel better. And same with whether you're in a relationship or single, you have that release. Organisms are important for your overall health, sexual health. And I think that people just are like, you know what, it's, I don't have orgasms.

I don't have the same stamina or the same drive as my partner, I have this weird fantasy, I feel guilt and shame for masturbating, I'm just gonna shut sex down altogether. That's an American thing more than anything. I think it is too. And so- Because the Puritan rules are still lingering a bit

and we still have a hangover from the people that actually kicked the end of the Native Americans out, like all those wonderful people brought their Puritan ways. And now we got so many hangups with sex, and so we're in, whereas in Europe, you hear it all the time, like, you know, they got the boobs on the billboards and no one really cares.

It's so free. And they're talking to their kids about pleasure and they're talking about safety with sex, but here we're just talking about the views. And no one's exactly, and no one's parents can talk to them about sex. And so I'm just saying that I really hope with this show that we are helping people ask the questions

and prioritize that. That's why I started off telling you about your vacation and saying like, I just watch it every day. I was at a party last night too, with like 30 women, right? And they were all married. It was like a woman, it was like a designer party dresses. Clothes were.

Yeah, but it was cocktails. So one cocktail and every single woman telling me their things, right, around sex and relationships. And it was cocktails so one cocktail and every single woman telling me their things right around sex and relationships And it was just the combination of like they Whatever they wanted more sex in their partner. They their partner want you know It's all the same things that we hear but that had been a while and they're happy in other ways But it's just they're not fulfilled now They could they could do better back to the kid vacation thing too like I think when they're really young right now,

you can just put them in a little pack and play in the bathroom and the wife and I have fine time on the vacation. Once they're two or three and they know what's going on, it's like, Bobby, daddy, what are you doing in there? That's when it's really important. Yeah, but you still there. She's still thinking about him. She's still like, that's not true, Anderson. I'm telling you right now that you need that one night, one night, go to the motel six. I don't care. I'm right.

Actually read on the motel six is they got a hardwood floor. It's really nice. They got a 50s of five. Fabulous. Hardwood floors. That's so sexy. Yeah, it's easy to clean the edges off. Have a vacation.

Get your mom on your mom. Whatever it is. Places are filthy. Ew, true. Bring your own. We'll leave the light on for you. Please don't leave the light on. OK, so in some,

summation, yes. Summation and article is that we all really want our partners to be able to communicate about sex and we really want them to go down to us. And that's just as important as having sex and just kind of going through the motions that the more you communicate with your partner and the more you pay attention to their needs

and oral sex is a great place to figure it out, better sex, you know. How many different variables were, I mean, I mean, there were communication, sex, oral sex. What was the least? I didn't go through all, how about this? There was a great cook. What was the least important?

The least important was great cook, and here were the choices. Great cook, people were like, I don't have to ask. So we got to order that, you can just order whatever you want, you don't need a cook. So we keep the house in order. This was kind of concerning men. It seems like like 50, 47% of men though that was important.

I'm like, that's not gonna be my guy. Keep a pays or her physical appearance was in 60%. Romantic, that was actually high too. People want romance, over sex. That dies after you get to know someone, right? No, but it doesn't have to. I know, it doesn't. Yeah, it doesn't have to.

I still do little things, just light a candle and you know, go out and get her take out from her favorite restaurant. She remembers it. You're a half-year-old. Of course. Little tiny gestures. Even, yeah. Nothing take much.

I love that you do that. Do you want a sex toy take home? No, I'm good. Okay. Thank you. Alright, so we're going to give a shout-out to our sponsors. We're going to be going to emails. Thank you everybody for supporting our sponsors.

We love them and I'm so glad that you all do too. We'll be right back. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Anderson! Hi. Hi. Time for emails. So if you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I love that.

We've made it really easy because you can text us now. Text. Text us. You can text Ask Emily one word. 27979. Because some people have said I texted Ask Emily one word, two, seven, nine, seven, nine, seven, nine. Because some people have said, I texted Ask Emily and they did the space, but it's one word. So it's all, it's just ask Emily seven, nine, seven, nine, seven, nine. No, see, this is so good. We're clarifying. This is like real life.

Ask Emily. So you pick up your phone and you, we don't have to start from there. And you go seven, nine, seven, nine, seven, nine, you go like creating a text message. And then in that text message You write to ask Emily one more. Oh, so you guys can know okay, and then would they get back It's like they're gonna right away get a reply that's actually the form that you fill out on the website so they can just right there Fill out that form that says hey, we sell it to everybody. Yeah, I'm kidding The only bad thing that can happen and who knows, you know, glass half full. I might send you a naked picture by my stick.

I am a stick. Yeah. You're in a hood. You know, if you're my phone late night, I'm out drinking. Who knows what can happen. So the number of seven nine seven nine seven nine. Yes. That was a good year in Pittsburgh sports.

The Steelers and the pirates both. I did not know that. The champion ships there. Why not six nine? I was exactly dude. I knew you were going to say that. That ships there. Why not six nine? Was there a way to say that? Exactly, dude. I knew you were going to say that. That's what I'm all I can do is.

Loading and fruit. Every time I say seven nine, I'm thinking why not six nine? You know what the world is right for that? You're better than that. I am better than that. And then you know what six nine is so obvious. Yeah. And I use six nine for something else in my life.

And every time I have to call them and say it, they don't think it's funny. It's like 18T or something like my password. Thanks for bringing that. Seven nine is actually still the sexual funny. It's like 18T or something like my password. Thanks, I think we can break it in that. But not really. Seven nine is actually still the sexual position. It's just the person's to capitate. Exactly. Wonderful.

Which is really hot. So anyway, do that. Sex with Emily. And then you could also go to the website, sexwithemlee.com, click on the Ask Emily tab. Really easy to do that as well and fill out your form. And when you do that, you guys have a question I'm pointing at you.

Your age where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, can't wait here for me. Let's do it. Where are they sending their faxes? I think we should bring back the fax. I did radio so long that I remember the fax machine. I hated the fax machine. I hated to never work.

One of them every 10 was actually from a listener and a lot of the time, would just say, fuck you and bubble right in or something, right? Really? And then the other nine were just like ads. I remember all those ads just so it worked, right? I was just waste your ink. You're right.

Fuck the facts. All right. Fuck the facts. I think I used to get facts at the M. I used to get, can I just tape out my mail? Did you guys just get mail to love line? Uh, yeah. Letters.

Yeah. So when I started my show, I had a bunch of prisoners at San Quentin. Who would listen? Because the show was on from 11 to midnight. I was on the radio in San Francisco. Right. They were, they, I like the prison ones,

because it was always the best penmanship. Yeah, no, right. They weren't, no, I agree. And they would write me these really long letters. And then I still have it. There was one guy who, to a picture of me on the back of a truck, it was like mud flaps. And on the mud flaps.

There you were. On the truck, it was me and my picture. Naked. Kind of naked-ish. You're naked, yeah. And I thought that was very, I love it. They realized they probably framed it. Rubbed their genitals all over those people. They're the people. You realize. I thought that was very. I've never. I've never. I've framed it.

Rubbed their genitals all over those papers. You realize. You realize. Perhaps. It was a variation. But that was those work of times. And you guys, I'm not saying you should write me a letter now. Just go to the website.

Yeah, just go to the website. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you.

It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. So thanks for all the wonderful work you do. I have a difficult question and I love your advice. For two years, I dated a much older man who aggressively pursued me. He was highly manipulative, controlling, and narcissistic. He sexually assaulted a friend of mine and me as well while we were dating and I stayed with him. I finally laughed after he started trying to limit my contact with my friends and family

and told me that I needed to respect him more. He wanted to be polyamorous and me to be monogamous with him, being in a relationship with this man is the biggest regret of my life. A year and a half has gone by and I'm struggling with a lot of fear around men. I realize a relationship may not be possible for me after this, but I consider myself a sexual person and would love to pursue sex and casual dating again. Any ideas and how to face my fears and enjoy sex again. Thanks so much, exo,X, Nick, a female, 26 Melbourne, Australia. Mal-born.

Nick, thank you so much for emailing me. I'm really glad you got out of this traumatic situation. It sounds like it was really painful and not a good time. How long did she spend it? Did she say? Two years. Because it's a really great learning, but it's a lesson.

It's unfortunate that it took two years of that it's a really great learning lesson. It's unfortunate. It took two years of that awful, awful lesson. Because there's a real glass half full scenario here as well. No, I think so too. I think that it's great that you realize how unhealthy that is and to go easy on yourself right now. And it's totally fine that you don't want to jump into another relationship.

In fact, I would say that probably not the best time, but it is a great time for you to get into therapy and do the work right now around it because when you experience any kind of trauma in a relationship, family, sexual trauma, it's really something that it doesn't go away. It actually just gets worse when you repress it. Right now, it doesn't sound like you're out of drinking and you're distracting yourself and having sexual out of people, you're actually contemplating this. I would say that therapy would be a great place for you to go in and

Heel right now and figure out what you want so it won't happen again I think that is a silver lining that realizing it that this pattern was so destructive You won't let this happen to yourself again. The fact that she's 26 and she's actually saying out loud an email Yeah, that she thinks she might not be able to ever have a relationship again. That's heartbreaking It's it's awful she can absolutely have another relationship relationship again, that's heartbreaking. It's awful. She can absolutely have another relationship. Absolutely. Here's the good news. Pretty much any guy that you end up being with or in the future, any relationship you have is going to be way better than this absolute piece of shit. Guy that you were with for two years. There are many others out there like him and there's a chance

that without therapy, you will pick another one that's just like him because chances are, you got the broken picker that we've heard about. So from something that happened in your past which is all the more reason that you need to get therapy but the good news is that with some therapy and I don't think that she's anywhere close to a lost cause after a little bit of therapy she will be able to actually have a good relationship and be shocked at how good it can be to be in a good healthy relationship with a good healthy person. Exactly. They actually do exist. That feeling when you break up with someone, especially with something like this that you think in your 20s or whenever that you're like, oh my god, I will never find that person

again. Right. And I won't be healthy, but you will be healthy. And she might even feel like guilty because she might even miss part of that relationship. And that's natural. Like, awful relationships still have good parts to them that you probably are melancholy about that it's gone. Don't feel guilty about that because that's part of the deal.

And I think that the key here is that if you, like you said, if you don't go to therapy, and when I mean by go to therapy, I don't mean go three times and check in. And like, oh, I feel better. I mean, like you go for a year and then it's working. It's not a check. You go and you go every week and you commit to it, like it's your job. You will not be attractive. You won't allow yourself to date the same kind of people. But when you don't, like you said, this is when we repeat these week and you commit to it, like it's your job, you will not be attractive. You won't allow yourself to date the same kind of people,

but when you don't, like you said, this is when we repeat these things and then it's 10 years later, you're 36 going, why am I dating these kind of guys? But you won't. And it sounds like she's willing to give up, I heard, you know, I'm a sexual person, so I think she's thinking about maybe just having sex

without any kind of connections. That's not gonna happen. It just can't happen if you're a, any assemblots of a healthy person, you can't just have sex with people and not have feelings for them. They're vellable. Well, I don't know if that's necessarily true,

I don't think that right now that can happen, Burr. But I think that if she has a healthy attitude towards sex and dating and relationship again, it's not gonna be this year. Okay. She could have casual sex problems. She could possibly, but still, what I'm hearing is she's giving,

she's almost willing to give up on relationships period and just have sex for the rest of her life with no strings and she's missing out on something that's great, which is a healthy relationship. But the other side of it is so as important as sex. She's a normalized sex for herself again and figure out how to, whenever she gets back in dating,

which I don't think you should do it right now, you can figure out what kind of relationship you want to have. But sex and your partners. Okay, let's move on. Hey Emily, I've been a long time listener and a fan. On a daily basis, it's a fan, Anderson. Fanatic, that's short for fanatic, which is, I can't, I love you.

I use the word fan either, but I feel like when I talk about you, I get, no mind too, I have the self-loathing, like fans, my fans, like I just, I love listeners. But then some people, like I watch your video, are they my self-loading like fans my fans like I just never Refer to listeners But then people like I watch your video like are they my watchers when you call my audience? They might be fanatics, you know because they like you'd off to you as well There's a whole never another layer that whole snapchat audience don't send me those pictures I will block you okay Hi, I know a lot of my answer at sex with Emily on Samchat, but that one, it's like,

do you have like a master bait to you? Can I make a block? Dick picks in the, and they're ready in your library that you just send back to them? Because that'd be good. No, actually. That'd be a good combative move. No, I'm not going to engage. Okay, don't worry.

You want to do, I go to the block, and then they're gone for my life forever. Hey, Emily, I've been a long time listener and a fan. Here we go again. On a daily basis, I've tried to incorporate your advice in my marriage of 18 years. I've been a fit guy throughout my entire life. About a month ago, I started training for a marathon. I'm a fitness nut and I've always trained six days a week.

For this marathon, I've dropped 10 pounds in the course of 45 days and I've stopped all high caffeine, pre-workout drinks, and all sugar drinks. I've now been able to go long periods of time before having an orgasm. I've struggled with premature ejaculation in the past and I tried to promise it based on your recommendation. Is this new found sense of stamina,

a result of the weight loss, intense training, or the reading of caffeine and sugars? I'd love to know your thoughts. Keep up the great work. Dac. 43 New York City. He's been married 18 years? He's been married 18 years?

18 years. 18 years. Good for you, DAC. Good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC.

And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC.

And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. And good for you, DAC. sex more and yes, Jack. I do believe that the reason why you are lasting longer has a lot to do with your Health I'm sure it does a healthier diet weight loss or will all contribute to that factor also to your ability to last longer Bed and have more stamina but also our sex drive does change throughout our lifetimes. He's 43 now. Yeah Yeah, you know what you feel like you married when he's 25 that's not crazy I was thinking because he's younger than I am. He's been married to 18 years So that seemed crazy to me, but when I do the math 25 that's a no

Right, I'm not normal. Yeah, I think just being relaxed too helps you with your sexual performance Right, yeah being relaxed. Yeah, you got that nervous energy and you feel like hell and you're just kind of getting it done You know, right exactly so I feel like I think you have the good work I think that's amazing and promising what we've talked about is a great thing to use for. Doesn't sound like he needs. That's the only thing he needs to promote. He said he used it in the past. Sounds like it worked, but yeah, it sounds like you don't need it.

But I don't, have you ever read any studies that correlate caffeine making you come faster? I've never heard that. I've never read any studies about caffeine. I have read studies about marijuana and other drugs and alcohol, but not about caffeine, but it makes sense. It would make total sense. I don't think it's just the caffeine, though. I think it's probably a combination of the working out and the health and sugars. Losing the weight, not the stuff.

Yeah, exactly. And everyone's body reacts to caffeine differently. This is fun, Anderson. What is it? Just everything. Just being with you. Dear Dr. Morse, I listened to you on Loveline and I always wanted to call in and talk but I was embarrassed. I have a reoccurring issue that I'm looking to resolve. I'm always getting myself in relationships with women where it feels like I'm no longer in control and I'm not experiencing a shared dynamic in the relationship. It always starts the same. They like my personality, my drive, my ambition, my big circle of friends,

and how close I am with my friends. After a while, the girl I'm seeing will begin to try and change me. I usually let them change certain aspects of myself, and I always try to make them happy, and fortunately, it always snowballs into more and more requests, and I no longer feel like myself. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years for these reasons. In this case, she was pressuring me really hard to change a lot about myself and simultaneously disconnect from my group of friends. I understand the part where a relationship is a priority over friendship, but why do I keep finding myself with women who want to cut me off from anything around me?

Thank you very much for your time. I truly think you're doing God's work by guiding some of us who don't know how to guide ourselves. Best, Brian, 29, Los Angeles. Brian, okay, so this is actually another one of these picker broken questions. This is what I thought about. I thought a lot of things about this. It's really interesting. I thought of a few things too. Yeah, that the cycle of why we go into the why could be from his childhood growing up. Right. It could be that he's attracted to controlling women because of his mother or his grandmother who knows the dynamic paid out in his house with his parents. And that's, that could be why.

But right now, we've got to work on you breaking this cycle of the picker being broken, that you're picking these kind of women. Because it sounds like Brian, like he's sounding like it's happening to him. You're exactly. He's making choices. You're making choices and you're attracted to these kind of women. Or is it a self-fulfilling prophecy

because he's looking for it in every one of the dates? And what are the habits that, or the things that he's doing that these women are trying to get him to stop? No, he didn't say. He could be like slamming heroin and hanging out with white supremacists. I don't blame them for trying to get him

to disconnect with those people and stop slamming the smack, you know? I agree. And when I read that, well, now I don't know if that thing is doing that, but with those people and stop slamming the smack, you know? I agree and when I read that well now I don't know if that thing is doing that but I was thinking to myself, well, what are these habits? What are they having? Like you're how old are you? He's 29. So what are the habits that they want to change? I'm married a person who changed me and she you know, doesn't like me drinking as much So I don't drink as much. She didn't like me hanging out with some of my stuff last night She doesn't like me hanging out with you know my my bad influence friends

I don't see them as much anymore. And it's, but it works. And it makes sense. And I said, I'm a healthier, better person for it. Right. And women in the past, they try to change these things in you as well. No, most of them didn't. They'd actually encourage them. And they will be in their neighborhoods.

They're an English. I thought it really graves. So, right. Okay. No, I get it. And there is a healthy, there, whenever you date someone, and we, we always think, you know, we're attracted to partners who make us a better version of ourselves, hopefully. I mean, I think that that's a great part

about being in a relationship is when you trust someone, Stanley. Stanley Snory, my dog is on the stand on the set. He loves him so much. Look how comfortable we are together. He's falling into my arms. So I feel like that, yeah, it can be very healthy, but if you're dating these women or like,

you're my project, I'm gonna fix you, I'm gonna fix you, and you don't feel like at this point that you need any help, Brian, which sounds like, maybe we don't know yet. We don't know what that is. I feel there's not enough information to give an actual advice here for Brian. Yeah, but I think that, let's see why it's unhealthy.

I mean, because here's the thing that I feel like, Brian, he has a big circle of friends, he's close with his friends, he's got a lot of drive ambition, he's close to his family, that in a way lot of drive ambition. He's close to his family that in a way Some guys kind of are attracted to that controlling thing because he kind of just wants to be able to to give it up Breathing sense right or that that's the right dynamic So what I would say is if you do want to change his brain Let's say there's not anything destructive that you haven't faced yet in your life

And Brian, maybe if there is this will be a great turning point for you But let's just say that you're a healthy guy. you're leading your life, you're a good man, you know, you pay your taxes. Benefit the doubt. Benefit the doubt that I feel like how you got to break the cycle is recognized that it's the cycle that you're and that you're picking these wrong kind of women and then do like duty dating.

Like we talk about that, like go out with the women that you don't necessarily think that you'll be attracted to. We call this duty dating because you just say yes, you're like, you know what, I would normally say no to this. It's not when I'm instantly attracted to, maybe my heart went petter pat when I start across the room and our eyes met. I just said petter pat.

That's when you should actually turn away. Like do you want your instantly attracted to? And then go. Butterflies not lightning balls. Right, butterflies not lightning balls. Exactly. So look for the people, not the women who make you feel that familiar, crazy.

You have to have her obsession if that was one of your things. But someone who just makes you feel a little more comfortable in a different way, and then go out with them and try that. There's way more women out there that are not controlling than are controlling. I think the controlling women are actually in minority. I think you're right. Not you.

For what I've dated, but maybe my picker was broken. Well, that's the thing too. I mean, I'm not that kind of woman. I'm not controlling at all, but we better not. No, I mean, right? I could see, yeah, I could like see someone dating you, not having any of these issues of Ryan's having. So what I'm saying is maybe you should go out on a date

with Ryan. And let's see if you can. Ryan, I will not try to change your, they try to change me. And if he says, oh, Emily's trying to change me, then we know that it's him, right? Should I just do this? Should I just go out with him?

Okay, Brian, give me a call. I'm also, I feel like you have to also the date like it's your job. So let your friends and family know that you're actually looking to date. Like I think that's really important to let everyone around you if you don't want to go on apps. I just feel like the second you do that, people are always, you know, they might in that moment,

but friends or friends, they are parties, you might even let them know they'll know what's right for you, the person's already checked out. The best or usually when you meet somebody through a friend of yours, like, so try to be a friend. So true. So good luck, Brian, let's know what you right for you. The person's already checked out. The best or usually when you meet somebody through a friend of yours. So true. So true. So good luck, Brian. Let's know what you want to do. I can't really date you, Brian.

But I'm here to help you. I like Brian. So this was fun, Anderson. It was great to see you. And thanks for having me back. I thought you were never going to let me back because I God forbid had a child and needed to bring him with me. My apologies. I'm so glad you brought me to know that almost ruined your entire staff's dynamic. No, she's fine.

She's recovered. She's back. I feel like everyone hates each other now because that is just here for a couple hours. No, we love Atticus. And we welcome him back when he's like, can drive. But thank you. And once I got Anderson Cowan.com and all your podcasts.

I know.com. And I've been doing these chats with Andy. And I can't do much, especially when I'm a stay at home to add and the bills are, I mean, between jobs, where I'm waiting for my movie to get complete here. So I'm doing these chats with Andy's and they're really fun. Anderson's finding to talk to, I've got to say. 50 bucks and we talk about everything. They're all different. Sometimes I'm interviewing

you, sometimes you're interviewing me. It's back and forth. You ask about Emily, you ask about love, love all these different things. Ask about the movie. And then I record it to I record it for my end and I send you, so it's like a little mini show. Oh my god, you just remember. can listen to it using those sound as every alike or you can never listen to it again but like if I become like a you know infamous mass murder or something you can say hey I talked to that guy once here's the group. The dissecting your entire psychological profile from all these conversations I love it that's great because Anderson is interesting to talk to.

Anderson Cowan, so you can actually call me I answer and most people like yeah cuz you're pretty fun I wouldn. And most people, I answer them. Yeah, because you're pretty fun. I wouldn't pay $50, but I thought I'd get the free. No, I think you should. Just get right now. I did. I love you, honey. Now, that's awesome. Call Anderson.

Thank you, everybody, for listening to the show. Remember, you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, at Sex with Emily and Snapchat. I say that. And thank you to my amazing team. I love you. And thanks, everyone, for listening. Was it good for you?

Email me. Feedback at sexwithemle.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪