Sex With Emily - The Porn Paradox with Jayme Waxman

Episode Date: November 24, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by marriage/family therapist and sex educator Jamye Waxman to talk about everything from too much porn use to talking to your kids about sex ed. They cover the ups and downs to watching porn – because everything is great in moderation, ways you can talk to anybody in your life about sex – whether it’s a partner or your kids, what to do to get your sexual stamina up, and how to figure out the exact way your partner wants to be dominated. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: We-Vibe, Womanizer & Adam & Eve Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily Follow Jamye on twitter: @jamye / insta: @jam_yay Visit Jayme at: Waxmansextherapy.com For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Check out even more Sex With Emily on SiriusXMStars 109 Mon-Fri 5-7pm PST! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by marriage and family therapist and sex educator, Jamie Waxman, to talk about everything from too much porn to talking to your kids about sex ed. Topics include the ups and downs to watching porn because hey, everything is great in moderation. Ways you can talk to anybody in your life about sex, whether it's your partner or your kids, what to do to get your sexual stamina up and how to figure out the exact way your partner wants to be dominated. All this and more thanks for listening. Secret institutions. Bedroom eyes. They call them in a bike on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hairstand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I want to feel a sound. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Find us at all social media at Sex with Emily. And you can also catch me Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 p.m. on serious sex and XM radio stars channel 109 for even more awesome sex talk We give you some sex in the news We've got guests and mostly we're helping a lot of people just call in with their sex and relationship questions Kind of like what we do here on our call shows except I am Live and ready to take your calls 10 hours a week

So I hope you guys call in, and if you wanna try out Serious XM, you can do that. Get a free 30-day trial at sexwithfamily.com slash SXM. So I wanted to give you guys my podcast list that's a little taste of what you might be missing on Serious XM. So my dear friend Jamie Waxen came by and it was such a good conversation.

We took calls. We had really good meaningful conversations and also helped a lot of listeners. So I want you to know that if you don't have serious exam, you can still call in and get your questions answered in the moment. 888-947-8277. Any weekday, 5-7pm, Pacific 8-10 East term. So I really hope you enjoy this interview with Marriage and Family Therapist and Sex Educator Jamie Waxman.

And again, you want to get a free trial. You can go to Series XM, get a free 30-day trial at sexfamily.com slash SXM. I want to welcome Jamie Waxman, Sex Therapist. We wrote a book together called Hot Sex. She works for the center of healthy sex and you can check her out at waxmansextherby.com. Hi, Jeannie. Hi, Emily. Hi.

I love seeing your face. I love seeing you too. I know everybody else can't see your face right now. Oh, I love seeing you. I know, I'm so happy you're here, James. Thanks for having me. I love how we met. We wrote a hot sex.

We actually hot sex brought us together. Yes. But not in the way you might think we actually got matched up. To write up, we got paired up. To write sex book. You say that sometimes match making really works. It does work, right? Right. Right. J.B. was in LA and I was in San Francisco at the time.

We did the book, we did the things and yeah, and everyone can still check it out if they want to buy a book. Mm-hmm. It's still very pretty book. It is a bit, it's right here. We brought it out in case you wanted to walk down memory lane. There are so many other things. There are a lot of things for us to talk about. And Jamie is a marriage and family counselor in Los Angeles. And you focus a lot on sex.

I do. I also have my master's in sex education. And I've been a sex educator for over 15 years. So I really like talking about sex. And I really like talking to people about their relationships and their sex lives. And I just get satisfaction as I imagine you do because it's so hard for people to find someone that they can talk to these things about. So to have someone that they feel safe and not judged with, it's just an honor to have

that sort of role in people's lives. Yeah, really. And Jamie, I know you're so you're so good at it. Jamie's actually can be my part-time sex therapist. Right? See, you're never done. You're never done, right? It's true. We're always learning. So, so Jamie, so tell me, we were interesting because we were having dinner. I don't really like it dinner. That was fun. I love seeing you. I know. It's always fun. And we found out that we're actually neighbors, which is awesome. Like, because I moved and you moved and it's amazing So I was thinking I was talking about your practice and and I was asking you because I've been so curious lately We you know what what have the impacts of porn ban everyone's saying oh, it's people think it's scary and you can change

You know is porn bad for me is it good and people like is it am I addicted am I not and I know that you've been seeing and you actually see Am I addicted? Am I not? And I know that you've been seeing, and you actually see patients who come in with certain porn challenges. Yeah, with certain problems around porn. Yeah, and I want to just say to start that, everything in moderation is always a good way

to look at things, right? However, and also that I've been very porn positive, my entire career, my entire life really, and still am. And also notice that as a result of sex education being primarily porn for a lot of people, the internet, the access people have to porn, people using porn when they're not in relationships or even in conjunction to relationships,

it really has taken a toll on a lot of sexual relationships. And a lot of intimacy, I mean, you can look, social media would be another thing, I would say, but when it comes to sex, porn has really sort of, it's done a little, there's times where it can do some damage in a relationship for sure. And I see a lot of it in male clients that come on in who have erection issues. It's really common. Either they can't get an erection, maintain an erection,

get off with a certain partner. Sometimes it's just because they've been masturbating so much in one way that that's the way that they get off or they've also seen sex in a certain way and think like this is the epitome of sex. And if I'm just having sex with one person, that's so boring and I can't really get into it. So there's, and they're not, again, not talking about it.

This is being done in secret. And shame and secrecy and isolation, all of that comes together and makes this, creates this problematic use of porn. Right, exactly. And that's the thing. I know everyone guy who's listening, going, oh no, I watch porn,

it's just going to happen to me. We're not saying that because I with you like pro porn in many ways. But so what happens if you see someone, and he comes and he says, you know what? I no longer can get erections with my partner, with my wife because I watch a lot of porn. Like, where do you go from there?

Yeah, I mean, I start with the real limit your porn use kind of mantra. I'm very directive in, I think sex therapy is often more directive than a lot of other therapy. So I would ask people, I do harm reduction, right? So I'm not going to ask you to abstain from porn use. But I'm going to ask you to maybe take it down a notch. So if you're watching it three times a day or five times a day, and this is really, this

happens a lot. I'm going to ask you to watch it once a day, and then in a few weeks, I'm going to ask you to not watch it every day, or I'm going to ask you to start three times a day and go to one time a day and whatever works with you, but we're gonna talk about what kind of porn use you're doing first. That's gonna be the first question. And then from there,

I'm gonna also find out what kind of porn you're watching because that's gonna play a big part in this. If again, if you're in a very vanilla monogamous relationship and you're watching orgies and like, stranger sex and all of this stuff, well, there's something, there's a disconnect going on. And either it's going to be exploring the fantasy, not necessarily the reality with your partner

or admitting to the fantasy to start with. But it's really gonna, I wanna make people really aware and present around what they're watching. A lot of people are just, it's like numbing it. It's comfort. So you have to be present to where you're at. So lot of people are just like numbing it. It's comfort. Exactly. So you have to be present to where you're at. So what kind of points, first of all,

your patients are comfortable telling me, talking about it? Yeah, I mean, they, whether they find me through like, you know, my own website or through Center for Healthy Sex, they're coming in to talk about sex. And that's amazing too, because a lot of marriage and family therapists,

they don't talk about that. They really don't, which amazes me. It's amazing. They don't get the training and family therapists, they don't talk about that. They really don't, which amazes me. It's amazing. They don't get the training. No, and they don't ask when they're seeing couples. They don't ask them, how's your sex life? Just see how often do you have sex? What's it like?

How long does it last? So I really find that being able to say, we'll get into this when we get into this, but we're here to talk about sex. So in the first assessment, the first day, I meet somebody, I'm going to ask them questions about their sex life, just to get into this when we get into this, but we're here to talk about sex. So in the first assessment, the first day I meet somebody, I'm going to ask them questions about their sex life just to get them warmed up, even if they're not ready to answer everything. Let's just talk about what you are able to do, what you're comfortable with. And then go from there.

Yeah, I mean, I think that yeah, if they show up at your door, they're ready to talk about it. So how hard is it for men? Like I feel like that, that they can actually, you know, stop. Do you ever say don't watch porn and then go back to the good old fashioned using your memory, using your mind, using your own fantasy life? I always want to go there at some point or I want to use porn in the relationship if the other person is comfortable. But yes, if you say to somebody who's coming in and is watching a lot of porn, don't watch porn, It's kind of like saying to somebody who loves chocolate, don't eat any chocolate.

It's going to be everywhere around you, but don't touch it, right? So it's really hard to go cold turkey. Now there are some people who can do it, and that's great. But it's going to take a lot of determination, and you know, if you work from home, it's going to take a lot of being, there's a lot of, if you work from home, like when I work from home, I was like, well, it is my job. Like it's time to masturbate again, right? You've gotta get an office, you know?

Right, I get it. So instead of saying don't do this thing, say do this a little less. And let's just see what happens if you don't do it every day, or if you wanna do it, you call your partner or you text your partner something sexy, or you, you know, you take a walk,

like let's see what other behaviors we can incorporate because the good news is if you stop or you reduce the use most of the time, you're going to be able to go and have sex in different ways. You're going to be able to connect with your partner or partners again in different ways, but you have to be willing to do this for the relationship to get healthier. Because it got what it's was like rewiring. Yes. Our brain and the way that we're thinking about sex,

the kind of sex we're having, and it can't be it. That's a good news. Well, I mean, even like looking back, if when you go back when you first, a lot of people first are caught with porn, they're not of an age necessarily where a lot of people would talk to them about sex. And what people will do is say, don't watch that,

don't do this. So there's no language also around it. Instead of saying, what did you just see? Do you want to talk about sex and what people will do is say, don't watch that, don't do this. So there's no language also around it. Instead of saying, what did you just see do you want to talk about it, right? So even thinking about if you have people in the house who maybe aren't being sexually active but have access to porn, that there's a really good conversation

to start having now, which is just like, what did you see? Tell me what you saw. Let's talk about it so that I can tell you what a healthy relationship looks like. That's so smart. So people with kids, let's say. Because who was the study that came out to say today,

Jamie, that kids see porn at like, by the age of 18, almost every single kid has seen that. But it was like young boys, it was like five, well, eight. It was here about like 38% of men first exposed to porn by age 11 to 15. Yeah, and I've read that by age 18, I think it's less than 1% of men have not watched some, have not seen some sort of porn.

Right, so okay, so what happened? So, this is such a great point. I remember, you know, I had a family friend, his kid saw a porn at like eight, and he was schooling on his phone, like, you know, ladies with big, pretty ladies with boobies or something, and it's like, yeah, you know, what do you do?

So you're saying that if you, if you see it, because parents like most parents would do what you said. They'd say, no, no, no, don't ever do that. Wait. And then I'm just going to, if I was a kid, I'd be like, let me wait till mom dead leave. Because that's absolutely what I want to do. I mean, what kid wants to talk to their parent about sex, right? So when a parent says to me, tell you, when a parent says,

tell me what you saw, let's talk about what you saw. And then all of a sudden, a lot of the shame goes away. And a lot of this idea that it has to be secret and that I'm not allowed to do this is not there. And the kid says, well, I saw big boobs. Oh, OK, well, why did you decide to look for that right now? And let me tell you why right now isn't the best time to be looking at this.

What would you say? I would say, you know, this is something that if big boobs are a thing, right? Like, yeah, well, I might say, yeah, as women get older, their boobs get bigger, but let's not. But right now, you're too young to be really concerned about a woman's breasts, right? Like, what else is going on in your life? You're going to have your whole adult life to look at boobs.

What makes you want to look at them right now? Well, Bobby showed them to me. Oh, well, what did Bobby tell you about, right? So I would really keep it normalized, normal, and just like, you didn't do anything wrong. And I wanna talk to you about why right now, a healthy sex life doesn't involve you ogling over big breasts.

Exactly. Okay, so what about, cause I get this a lot about parents who have kids who are, they're like 12, 13, but they say, well, they haven't asked me yet, so I'm not going to say anything. Or they had sex ed in school. So how, and you write a lot of kids don't want to talk to their parents about sex. I might say, if a kid had sex ed in school, I might say, what did you learn about sexuality in school? Do you have any questions? Is there anything you want to talk to me about?

I mean, I have a five-year-old daughter, and from a young age, I've been giving her like books, like Corey Silverberg has a fantastic book called What Makes a Baby. It's not, it doesn't go into the ins and outs of sex, but it goes into eggs and sperm and IVF and all these other wonderful ways that you can have children.

And my daughter understands that women have eggs and men have sperm. And I don't make it as if that's like wrong to know. That's biologically, you know, a factor that's that's normal. So I'm not using it in a sexual way. I'm using this more in an educational way. Right. So what about when kids, which is great, I love that your daughter's adorable being like, well, seeing a pregnant woman in the street. So I know how that happened. It's just a smart way to do it. But I feel like my mom. So she always said to me,

well, if you have any questions, I don't need to put my foot on it. I have no kids gonna ever ask. I didn't even know what the questions were until years later. And I was like, oh, mom, my friends just told me I should be having orgasms. I was like 20. And then I said, I don't know.

I didn't know that about masturbation. So I'm wondering what could have been happened, what could have been done, so I would have known about it. I mean, I wish I talked about masturbation and pleasure to kids when they're younger. I feel like right now, Scarlet Teen is one of the best resources that you can give

an adolescent slash teenager about sexuality. Heather Karina has spent years and millions of people have been really helped by looking at this website and just saying, you know, even if you saw your kid looking at big boobs, you know, and before you go there, let's go to this site where you can learn a lot of what you need to know for when you're older. I think just knowing the resources that are out there, or, and also by offering the resource,

your kid knows that you're somebody that they can come back to potentially to talk about this stuff. And I think that's so important. And we also have to train parents too, that is important because the kids know that you're a resource for them. Because what happens is when parents are doing the opposite, which would be shaming and blaming, maybe you're like yelling at them for the first time they master, but they don't remember when they were three years old.

And they're like, no, honey, that's dirty. Do that when you're alone or don't ever do it. That's when it starts. And I think it's okay to say do it when you're alone,, no, honey, that's dirty, do that when you're alone or don't ever do it, that's when it starts. And I think it's okay to say do it when you're alone, but to say it's dirty, that, you know, that might feel really good and it might give you a lot of pleasure. And this is something that you don't do

in front of other people. Right. Right, so again, taking the shame factor out, being able to say, don't do this in front of somebody else. I mean, yes, you don't want your child, you know, sitting on the school bus and masturbating. But you wanna be able to say, don't do this in front of somebody else. I mean, yes, you don't want your child sitting on the school bus and masturbating, but you want to be able to say it in a way where they don't feel bad about what they did. Because they don't understand.

They don't have that logical brain. I mean, the female brain isn't fully developed till we're 25. Right. Exactly. So important. It's so important to remember that we are still developing. So if you do have kids at home to talk about them, just in a smart way, without the shame and blame. Because we do that.

So I'm sure that a lot of you see couples as well. Yeah. And for the record, I don't actually work with kids because of my focus on sexuality. But I feel it's really important to start educating at a young age. Just, I mean, even I remember a sex educator, friend of mine, saying her daughter, one said, mom, I'm sexy.

And her mom said, sexy is an adult word. We don't use that to describe ourselves, or describe ourselves into our adults. But not you can't call yourself sexy, or you won't be sexy one day, or don't say that, right? Not putting any shame around it, just putting a boundary. I think it's so important to create boundaries in our lives. It's what keeps things healthy.

When we're too flexible in our boundaries, we give up too much. And that comes to relationships and communication and having a healthy sex life. If we don't have boundaries, then we don't feel good about where we're going and where we are. So boundaries are tough though for people. They're even bound to be. Very tough. What do you mean by that?

You know, so I'm sure that a lot of the clients, patients, you see clients, patients, that you see in your practice, like let's say is there a tick, is there a tick, is there a typical like couple that comes in with you, that is like there's something around this, because a lot of what I do is how we will talk about it, I'm sure that's, you know, their coming in is, what is view seen lately, is there anything?

I mean, I do see a lot of pain, so that color you had Suzanne around the vaginal pain piece. That's so normal and typical and more common than people think. I see a lot of desire to scrap and see or so one partner has a higher desire that I would say that's the most common thing that I see too. Or somebody wants to try something and the other person is not into it and instead of feeling empowered by what they want to try, they feel just disempowered by the other partner not validating their experience. I think the validation of any experience in relationship or in whatever

is so important, validation from our families when we're growing up, validation from our partners, just even if we don't agree with the experience, just being heard, seen and validated, changes everything. So give me an example of that in your practice. So like for an example, like, you know, if somebody says, I don't wanna try this thing because I think it's disgusting, right? And the other partner is like, well,

you mean you're not gonna put a ball gag in my mouth and like time I feed up and hang me by, you know, because you think it's disgusting and the partner is like, yeah, even just saying, okay, I hear that you think it's disgusting and I respect that. And let me explain to you what why it turns me on, right? Instead of getting into a fight and we often go and avoid each other, I mean, that was not the best example, but we often go and avoid each other instead of actually try and talk about what's going on. We want to isolate and just get away.

We've been hurt and we're going to reject the other person. And I think instead of rejecting, we just need to reflect back to one another, what we hear the person saying, and not try and necessarily change them in that moment, but accept them. And then from there, work on how can we come together? Right. Because that's the validation accepting part.

Because I feel like because sex for people, so many people associate sex with shame, they've been shamed forever. Yes. Either they don't bring it up. And they just isn't it interesting, Jamie? Do you find this that you find where they're like, well, I we talked about it. And you're like, what did you say? They're like, well, it was one time I said I want to have a threesome. And she said she would divorce me if I brought it up again. So I have it. And she thought it was disgusting.

Like, that's it. If I assume forever. And then maybe that partner who was scorned, like, they just becomes this whole snowball effect. Totally. And it happens all the time. All the time. So you kind of got to go back and realize it like, and, you know, the way that you talk about these things is that when your partner brings up sex knowing that they're probably coming from a vulnerable, they are coming from a vulnerable place.

They may have never have talked to anybody about it. So as much as you can, put aside whatever judgments are, just listen and say thank you and like reflect. And I think like you just said, if I go back to my example, just being able to say, wow, it must have been really hard for you to ask for what you wanted and, if I go back to my example, just being able to say, wow, it must have been really hard for you to ask for what you wanted and that, to ask for the ball gag and the ties and to be hanging upside down on the chain.

And I just really appreciate that you felt safe sharing that with me. Again, changing everything by acknowledging and validating that the other person has an experience that is not exactly the same as yours. Or desire. Which is common. So I think that's great because I think also talking about this is that there's ways

to have fantasies come true that aren't necessarily what they think. So let's say the ball gag, for example, we'll go back to that. They might be okay with just a blindfold. Because it was something about domination, let's say. So just because your partner might have said something, there's ways to kind of make fantasies work for both of you. Yeah. Just talking through, talking dirty about a threesome and not actually having a threesome. That works. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So there's other ways to play with it. It's not as absolute as dire as you might think. This is what I love about

sex and talking about sex is that people, you know, we make it such this huge thing and that really by talking about it in healthy ways where you make it such this huge thing and that really by talking about it in healthy ways where you support each other, your whole world opens up sexually. It's not black and white. It is 50 shades of gray. It is 50 shades of gray. Jamie Waxman, thank you so much for being here. We are going to take a break.

And when we come back, I'm taking your calls with Jamie Waxman. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ that's come through in your two shows about stamina in bed. I love it. Okay. Hey, Carrie. Hey, how's it going? Good. Tell me what's going on. I'm just trying. I'm dealing with a, I don't know if you say a lack of stamina, but it's just that when being my wife or having sex, I want to be able to go longer. And there's times where I just feel like I can only go for two or three minutes. And then that's it. All I can do, you know, not to, you know, to come at that point. And I feel like that I need, I want to be giving her voice. Of course. Yeah. I get it. I'm sure that she, you know, in most of the time we clave X together, even in that short window of time, but like, I want to go beyond that, you know, I've been in place though or whatever.

Yeah, no, I understand that so. So you know how? Well, you came to the right place. No, I'm not going to say it. This is where you should come. Gary, so you're 48 years old. Has this been something that's been going on for a while? Or is this fairly new for you to not last as long as you'd like? I wouldn't say it's been, you know, I've noticed it more in the last year. So,

that's probably, you know, impregnance or whatever. Okay. Yeah, that typically happens with men. It could be, you know, testosterone, kind of drop in your late 40s. there could be some other things going on, but I think how is your four-place situation? Do you guys like warm each other up? It's more me warming her up than anything else, and then she wants to spend a tracian at that point. Yeah, I understand. That's right. Because sometimes I think for men too, we think, okay, you should always get hard and stay hard,

but you might need a little foreplay too to keep it going. And sometimes I think a lot of this has to do with, you know, it could be something going on physically, but typically it's in our mind. You're like, oh, I'm not getting hard. Oh, there you go, not hard anymore. So I think like it's okay to say, you know, to get hard, you go you go soft, she you know she can go down on you, she can please you. So there's ways that you guys can can work together to kind of you know help with the stuff. It's not going soft, it's just not going to go soft.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, you're coming, you're coming before you want to. Okay, so there's have you ever, so how do do you ever try doing your, your keg exercises can really help men last longer, stay harder longer, edging during, you know, masturbation. There's some ways that you can kind of learn your own ejaculatory control for guys. Like, you know, there's ways that she could also work with you, so you can learn before you're about to go over. It's kind of a practice for men. And then there's also something that we love around here called, Promescent, which is a quickly, exorying delay spray that can help men

last longer in bed. It doesn't transfer to your partner. These are some things that we talk a lot about on the show different ways. Jamie, do you see people in your practice? I do. And I think, I mean, one of the things I might say is, first of all, what positions are you using? Because if you have like a go-to position or three, maybe finding a position that isn't as enticing can get you to last a little longer. I'm not sure if that's something that you've tried. And the other thing that it sounds like it might start out feeling a little bit like a drag,

but is to actually stop and actually let your erection go down. And then you have to build it back up, right? Right, exactly. That's what I was thinking. Because the kid is the whole host of things. But to kind of not get attached to that. And yeah, exactly. Let yourself build up before you.

And like you were saying about four play, like bringing it back into the middle of play. Like it doesn't have to just be four. It could be middle and almost at the end of play, right? Exactly. We think of play right. Exactly. We think of sex is so linear. When I think it's really hot, when you can make sex last a long time by going in and out of a for play and sex and kind of playing with it. And that to me, you guys have been together with your wife.

It could be really hot. That could be the variety that you need to kind of switch things up and not think about it as in such a linear way. Okay. Now, what was the thing you said something about the phrase? which things up and not think about it as in such a linear way. Okay, and what was the, you said something about this phrase? Yeah, it's called, Promessant and Promessant is a quickly observing delays,

you can find it, I think is on our site or you can Google it and on our site you can find it sexobendly.com. We talk about a lot of men love that. You can last twice as long and doesn't transfer to your partner. So try that out Gary, let me know how it goes. I love that it doesn't transfer to your partner. It doesn't transfer, you let me know how it goes. I love that it doesn't transfer to your partner.

It doesn't transfer, you wait 10 minutes, it's people have a lot of success with that. It gets amazing, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's pretty good, there's a lot of other things out there, but I really like promessant. So try that out and keep your partner in the mix too Gary with this, talk to her about it, so it becomes both of you.

You guys give us a call, 88, 94 stars, that's 88, 8947, 8277. I'm here with Jamie Waxman. We're talking about sex. This is fun. All right, let's go to Sue. She's 60 years old in Washington, and she's recently bought her 20 year old son,

a sex toy. I love it. Hey, Sue. So what's your buy-out? Hi. Hi. Nice to talk to you back. Well, what he did the other day, he's 15 and a half Uh kind of been mature, but I've always been really open with him about sex

And so he came to me the other day and it was real embarrassed But he finally said I want you to buy me something and he had to write it down and he just said toy Oh, so I said, I said, sure, I tried to talk to him about it a little bit, but he was real embarrassed. So I said, you know, go ahead and look. He bought it. He had to pay me back, but I used my credit card. And then it came like two days later.

Well, I'm divorced and my luckily I have a very good ex-husband we share everything about her son, so I sent him this text to say, oh, don't ask for a sex toy. And I let him order one. And he's like, WTF, and he was just still upset. So we finally talked and I said, I don't understand the problem. He's not out there having sex and possibly getting a girlfriend and possibly getting an STD. And he said, no, I'm afraid that he'll just want an STD and he said no I'm afraid

that he'll just want to do that and he'll never want to be with me. Right, right, right, exactly. Plot twist. Right, so, okay, so what kind of tour did you buy him first? Let's talk about that. What did he ask for? He said he's 15. Yeah, he picked it out.

He went to that Adam East site. Uh-huh. Picked it out. And his fans used to go down the... Where fans used to go down the vagina. Because of the vagina singing. A vagina thing, or fleshlight, perhaps. Yeah, it's fleshy. He did show it to me.

OK. But it's like you put your penis in it, and then I do. It's like a male masturbation sleeve. I got it. Uh-huh. It is. It keeps us, I guess, that's what it's called.

See, I've always raised to be very open about sex. I've been open with him and my ex-husband is a little bit more regular. He's so worried about every little thing and so wants to control everything. I think part of it is maybe he doesn't see his son as a sexual being. This is more concern about your communication with your ex-husband. Yes, really. I think you should have this toy and my ex-husband is saying, no, take it away from him. I don't want him to have it.

I don't think you can take it away from him. I think that it's about continuing to just talk to your son about it. And maybe did not get to rely on and depend on the toy. And there's nothing wrong with there's no shame in it. But like Jamie and I were talking about earlier, we can get so set in our ways. And we think, oh, I can only masturbate with this one thing. And he is

so young at 15. So I don't have a problem with the toy. It's more about using it in moderation, just like everything else. So, right. And I, I actually told him his dad's concern. And he's very, very worried about, you know, he really wants his dad to think best of him. And so he actually gave me the toy back and said, I don't even want it. I don't want it. Oh, see, but that's not great. I'm going to talk about it. I don't think that's good either because then it's like a shame.

It is a shaming thing, Sue. I'm so, yeah. Okay. So now we've gone to like, yeah, because it is shaming. So now he's going to think that was wrong and it's his dad. You know, it's so hard to talk to our parents about sex. Like, when you're a boy, you can't win because you don't want to be judged up to your dad or your mom and it's not comfortable even when it's hard.

So, you know, young girls. So I think that the three of you might need to have a conversation about sex. The three of you should sit down and, you know, you don't have to tell your son we're all coming together. But when you guys, you know, when he's dropping them off, you're picking up or something and say, let's talk about sex for a minute. And let's talk about your feelings around this because I don't want it to become a thing with him.

And like, and explain, like, I think you really, because sometimes we think just because you said once, say, well, we don't want you to become reliant on it, he might have created a whole story and just 15 year old had thinking, oh, no, this is bad, what I do. And so really giving more information and letting him ask questions, you're asking questions, Jamie.

Jamie Waxman. I think you're on the right track there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're on the right track. And I want this to happen soon, Sue, because the fact that he gave it back, and he, because here's what's gone, he's gone through this, is that he got up the nerve to ask his mom, and Sue, you're cool, you got it, and then the dad comes down and now it's become a family thing. So the sooner we can kind of talk about this in a healthy way

and then continue to talk about it, you're going to be great. And so is your son. And I think it'll bring you all closer together. Yeah. Talking about it, but I just want to out there and open it. Well, I'm still thinking. I also think if you model it where you guys are just having you and your husband or ex-husband are having the conversation and maybe your son's not so involved in just watching, he's

watching you guys have healthy communication around a disagreement. That could be really effective and helpful as well. Yeah, because then he can make his own decisions. Yeah. Yeah. I agree, Susan. You're getting mad at his dad and I said, no, do not get mad at dad. Everybody has their own opinion.

Yeah, no, I think that's great. I think you've got to bring them all together here and all three of you and then have a healthy conversation and continue to have that conversation. Thank you so much, Super Calling. You guys give us a call. It's 8-8-94 stars, 8-88-9-47-8277. This is Sex with Emily.

I'm Emily Morse. I'm with Jamie Waxman, we're having so much fun tonight. So many great calls. Let's go to Peter. He's 50 in New Jersey and always your favorite. He wants to know how he can spice it up with his wife. I love it. Let's spice it up tonight. Hey Pete. Thanks for calling. Hey Emily, how are you? I'm so good. That's going on. Good, but's an error.

Nothing, so I've been with my wife, literally, a lifetime. A long story, and I'll leave the details out, but literally we were together very young, and still together, it was a little hiatus. But things are, for the most part, OK. We've been through a lot of shit, and earlier on, I feel like we've been on every relationship. You can imagine, you know, of issues that could happen.

And we've overcome, that's how I look at it. And overall, it's a great relationship. I think our sex life is like probably a 90 on a scale of 100. Amazing. But there's definitely something missing and I can't put my finger on it. My wife is one, she's very, very dominant day to day. Right. But she's very submissive during the act of sex.

Okay. And I feel like I'm missing something that I can't put my finger on. Cool. So that's good. I know that you liked it rough. Like she likes it hard, you know, innocent. And I feel like I've done my part to try to do that. But I feel like it's still missing because I talked to her about it.

And she shrugs it off like I'm not. OK, well, here's this is good though. So we have good information here. So your sex life is a 90. So yeah, I want to clap for you like a 90 after spending your life time together Okay, like yeah, like most couples would not be a 90 so you're great and you're actually trying to do what you think that she needs So here's a thing I get it let a lot of women are more, you know submissive a lot of strong women submissive and bad, you know

I understand that and she she wants something specifically, but she can't really put her finger on it That's why you can't either. So I think this is a case of you guys just saying, you two figuring out together what really does turn her on. So it might be, you know, rough or sex, it might be she wants a blindfold, she might want some spanking, and she might not even know that she just know

that she wants to be dominated. So, you know, it could be a matter of like, watch, this is where porn is great. Finding some porn dominated. So you know, it could be a matter of like watch this is where porn is great. Finding some porn that might, you know, kind of perusing porn and she can show you like this is what would really turn me on. This is specifically what I would like. Reading some erotica together and going to a sex toy store. I mean, there's little things that you, because you need more information from her. You do. Because you're not a mind reader. And this could be something that you guys figure out together. As long as do you find that hot too? Like do you want to be the dominant one? Continue to be dominant.

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, in a big picture, I'm really not. But I do get off on it, you know, when we're having sex, I think it's good. It's a good roleplay, in my opinion. Yeah, but she knows I feel she doesn't know what she wants. Okay. Because it's just that she just simply won't tell me and I've tried to pull it out of her. But you're nailed to head. You nailed it on the head with maybe watching porn. They did bring it up recently. Maybe we should watch porn because pointed out to me. What am I missing? Because I'm missing something. I want to give it to her, but I'm not giving it to her correctly. Yeah.

There's also a great list in the book, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. And there is a list in the back of the book, and it says both dominant and submissive, and it lists a lot of different things that you might want to try with a number system. So you could go through some sort of list like that with your partner. Like, like a yes-no-maybe list. This is in particular to more kinky stuff. And it's in the it's just a page in this book that you can actually find online called Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns. And it's a checklist of different things that she may be open to. And again, if she doesn't have the words to express it or she's not sharing it for some reason and you find it, and it sounds like she wants you to pull

it out of her almost. Right. Yeah. That's great. That's great. Suggesting there, Jamie, because there are, if she can't do it, you give her example. And these guests know maybe this. She can just kind of say, it could be like, I want a whip. I want a flogger. I want a blindfold. I want dirty talk. Like she could really go down that list and you guys could do it together. And you're also allowed to find what turns you on. You never know what you're gonna find out, Pete. So I think the two of you together could kind of

reinvigorate this relationship and you're gonna get to 100. So thanks for calling, Pete. I think this is great. I think the two of you working on this together on 105%. I wanna hear Pete, you gotta call us back and let us know. Thanks for calling everyone and calls with your questions.

We are here, 888-94 stars, 888, 947, 827, 7, Jamie, I'm sure someone who will call you with, I come in to see you with the spicy up. If you're having a couple of different, I can actually go through the lists with a lot, like different lists with a lot of couples so that they have different ways to communicate and I can be there to help negotiate

when something comes up. That is so great for couples, I love that. I think we should have had one of those on our site too like the yes-no, maybe yeah Definitely people don't even know they're like I know what I want because she might not even really know and that's why she can't explain it Yeah, you know, so it might have that she's withholding it's more like she can't even put the words out So great advice another call all right Steve 52 in Canada and need some advice as his wife is going through quote the change

who the change hey steve you guys are how's everybody we're doing so well we're having so much fun tell us what's going on steve just going through the change but that you listen to your show and uh... the advice you guys are given just incredible

well thanks to you i'm gonna be here every single night monday through friday five to seven p.m. pacific eight ten eastern so thank you for joining the sex family family yeah so like my wife is fifty five and she's at least in my opinion she's going through the change the stockman's just like a little bit menopause is the change that we're talking about okay yeah so we're at like she's got a beautiful build link either one of us are overweight you know so we've got the physical attraction yeah just she's not into like I'm worse

now and I was and I was 18 and worse now or better now you have more desire you mean than when you're 18 yeah I'm a'm a nutball, but you know, when we do, which is like three or four times a year, it's really, you know, falling off, when we do, like, she does the whole female ejaculation thing and after ten minutes, she's wiped out, she's spent. And what, like, how I don't know what it is that I'm not going to angry at it. I don't fight with her anything like that. I'm very, very close to loving each other pieces.

But I just, I don't know how to handle Jane how to handle her. For me. And it's not that she, you know, like emotionally, she wants to, is physically, she's not in. Right. There's a lot of change that happens with women, you know, she could be, you know, her desire drops and she might feel, you know, more dry. There could be more pain. There's a lot of things that can happen with women as they go through menopause. She might not even really know. So I think, is it something that you guys are actually talking about together?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. We've discussed it several times. And again, without any anger or anything like that. That's great. No, it sounds like it's healthy communication. So I think that again, there's something about, you know, for women, and it's true. Like, it does change over our lifetime. There's different times in our life we want sex more than others, but she your age as well. She's in her 50s, 52 years old. Is she 55? Okay. Yeah, you know, it's like, it's these, you know, ebbs and flows of our sex life. So I would think that maybe you guys have to change, I would suggest that you change the way you guys are looking at your sex life.

So it's not so much about, you know, you're going, you know, penis and vagina sex and it's the traditional way. There might be, you know, using toys or playing with each other, maybe more for play, giving her more time to kind of warm up and to feel good and to find other things that might really, you know, make, so I think it's important for her to keep her pilot light lit to continue to feel sexual even when her body might not be telling her that.

And I love that you're not like shaming and blaming her, but I think she might have to get her know herself again at this stage in her life. Yeah, and I would also encourage you guys to share appreciations with each other every day, something a sexual appreciation or an intimate appreciation. I really appreciate how, you know, your, how the shape of your body it could even be

or I really appreciate how you give me a hug every night before I go to bed or I really appreciate how you smell me a hug every night before I go to bed, or I really appreciate how you smell when I wake up next to you. And start to just, because I imagine that with going through menopause, like your self image and your self esteem, and all of these things start to change for women. And so I know that just feeling like you are a sexual being and being able to be allowed to be seen as sexual

and being talked about through sexuality, and not necessarily just wanting to have sex would be such an important piece of this equation as well. Yeah, and that's, you know, that's something that I have always done. Like she's pretty good at night. And you know, we're not Bible-flumper people, but we are Christian, You know, I tell her all the time, you know, she's pretty, she's got a very nice behind. I wonder if she's got all the stuff in all the right places. Right. And I let her know and I want her to feel like she's still the hottest babe for me.

Right. But you don't believe that, right? Yeah, it's like you're doing that. So just by have to be like, you know, there's other ways now to kind of look at sex. It doesn't have to be just intercourse. It could be that you guys are centrally connecting. So intimacy isn't just about the sex

and the intercourse it could be about touching, sensual massage, taking class together, like dancing glass or going to your music or cooking or like doing something that enhances intimacy and not just in the sexual realm because you'll find that that could build it in other ways. We find yourself going back to the sex anyway. So trying different things in different areas of your relationship. You know that would make you a massage class.

I do. I love that. I love that. You can take a more online, essential massage course and she's still feeling like so you guys are still connected but it's not as much pressure so this massage course you can do online yeah there's a lot of different courses you can find online you live in Canada you might live near a cool sex toy store that I would just like Google it we could put some I don't

believe anything on the site but there are ways that you guys could learn to kind of please each other so you, you can find everything at... We probably have stuff on the site. I'm sure sexwithenley.com. We've got a lot of information up there and ways that you could find to please her. So I think couples taking a course together is a great way to go. Thank you so much Steve for calling in and welcome to the show. I look forward to hearing from you and let me know how it goes.

Thanks for calling Sex with Emily. All right, you guys, Kola's 888-94 Star is that's 888-947-8277. All right, one more call before break. Let's go to Jim. He's 31 in Indiana. And he says his girlfriend has a platonic sugar daddy. OK. Hey, Jim. Hi. Hi.

Yeah. How's it going? I'm good. All right. Platonic Sugar daddy. Tell me more. Yeah. Okay.

So he's an older guy. She told me this before we got real serious. He's like, look, I want to be up front. I want to tell you that I started seeing this guy. So we met at a strip club. She was a waitress. I want to be up front and I want to tell you that I started to see the sky. So we met at a strip club, she was a waitress. She didn't do that anymore, but she said she met this guy, older,

I don't know if it's a performance issue he can't, or she said she went in and she didn't think she was ever going to have to you know, essentially sell her services like that. But it's just, you know, like so, last weekend she spent Friday and Saturday with him and, you know, like, I had to just see her Sunday, kind of thanks, but kind of like I'm sharing that. Right. Okay, so that doesn't feel really good to you. Are you guys in a committed relationship?

We've been together for a couple of months. I mean, like, really great connection, everything else. Sex is awesome. Like, great personality. We get along. We click. You know, all everything else. Okay.

So what is the question then? How do you, what do you mean? I haven't told her. I mean, I can't. I don't feel like I can give her an ultimatum because this guy gives her a lot of money for her time. And, you know, she's, I mean, I don't know. What do I, I mean, I understand. It doesn't feel like-

You're okay, Sam. Yeah. On it. I think that, you know, I think it's okay to let her know that you're having feelings around this and that you're not gonna give her an ultimatum, but it's hard not to see you, you know, for you not to see her on the weekends

because you really love spending time with her, you love your sex life, and just kinda see what she says to that. I mean, maybe she's ready as well to kind of like turn towards a relationship. How long did you say you been with her? Right around two months. Oh two months, okay, so it's still fairly new,

but yeah, it's still early, so I understand it's kind of tricky right now. A few months in to kind of say, stop doing this. This is guys paying your rent and buying you those nice shoes and all those things. It's hard because you don't, so I think it's okay to let her know how it makes you feel. You understand why she's doing it, but it's, you know,

it's two months in. So I think this has been her lifestyle for a while, but you also get to choose now if this is something that you're comfortable with. So I think letting her know that I'm developing feelings for you are really like spending time with you, and this is uncomfortable for me because I actually just want to spend more time with you. So you could create a schedule too, so you know when you're going to see her, so you don't feel like she's abandoning you or leaving you for someone else. You could just kind of say like, then you know like

I'm seeing your Sunday Monday Tuesday, but she won't see her or leaving you for someone else, you could just kind of say like then you know, like I'm seeing your Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, but I won't see you're on Friday. So you know, so you have more, you have more structure around it. Yeah, that's what we do. I mean, I see your Sundays and then, what usually it's one or two nights during the week as well, but, you know,

I work at normal Monday through Friday shifts, so it's kind of hard, you know, Sunday you go out and you have a good time and you can't, you know, you have to get to sleep in, or wake up, you know, and they go out and you have good time and you can't, you know, you guys can't get to like sleep in or wake up and wake up. You gotta go to work right away. And another thing that maybe kind of bothering me probably is the fact that it and I do we do go out and have a good time more together and I go to nice places and have drinks and dinner. And that's like, but you know, I can't. I'm not just going to give somebody a thousand dollars. I don't know. I'm not just gonna give somebody a thousand dollars.

I don't think she's- I mean, that's the other thing. She's probably not asking you for that. I don't think so, and I don't think that you have to expect that. I don't think that that's as an assumption that she's gonna skip from, hey, I'm gonna go from one sugar daddy to the next. So that's an assumption in your part that you're not comfort with, but I don't think that that's really where she's going here. It sounds like she really

does like you and she's being honest with you. I love that she's being honest with you, that she's in this kind of relationship. It's still early on, so I think that the more open communication you have with her about your feelings and to stay away from the blaming, shaming, ultimatums, you guys are going to be good. So just keep talking, keep up the intimacy and see where it goes. Thank you so much, Jim, for calling. And thank you so much, Jamie Waxman, for being here with me. Thanks, Emily. This was really fun.

Yeah. Let's do it again. We are going to do it again. You guys can find Jamie Waxman. You can find at the Center for Healthy Sex, and at WaxmanSextherapy.com. We all need sex therapists. I'm so glad you're here on this Earth, Jamie.

So thanks everyone for listening. Let me know how you enjoy the series show and just so you know our podcasts aren't going anywhere. We'll still be releasing podcasts every week. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.

you