Sex With Emily - The Real Difference Between Sexually Happy Couples and Everyone Else

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

Great sex isn’t about finding one perfect moment and trying to recreate it forever. It’s about getting curious about what made that moment feel so good in the first place. In this episode, I’m sharing how to talk with your partner about your best sexual memories without turning it into a complaint meeting. We’re exploring the questions that uncover what really turns each of you on: Was it the flirting all day? Feeling unrushed? The freedom, the anticipation, the way you looked at each other? Those details are the roadmap to creating more desire and connection now. If your sex life feels fine but you want it to feel more alive, connected, and uniquely yours, this episode is for you. ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.` CONNECT WITH EMILY: Best Sex Ever Tour: ⁠⁠https://sexwithemily.com/events⁠⁠  Shop With Emily: ⁠⁠https://shop.sexwithemily.com⁠⁠  Instagram: ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/⁠⁠  X: ⁠⁠https://twitter.com/sexwithemily⁠⁠  Facebook: ⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily⁠⁠  TikTok: ⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily⁠⁠  Threads: ⁠⁠https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily⁠⁠  WANT MORE? Visit the Website: ⁠⁠https://sexwithemily.com/⁠⁠ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: ⁠⁠https://sexwithemily.com/guides/⁠⁠  Text With Me: ⁠⁠https://sexwithemily.com/text⁠⁠  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: ⁠⁠https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe⁠⁠  Chapters:00:00 Cold Open / Welcome to Sex with Emily01:24 Is This It? The Problem With "Fine" Sex02:33 Step 1: Notice What's Actually Happening06:20 Step 2: Name What You Actually Want09:47 Using Toys as Shared Discovery10:48 Step 3: Share It (Timing Matters)11:50 The Postpartum Story: Same Moment, Different Experience14:04 Turn the Complaint Into a Request16:19 Step 4: Experiment Without the Overhaul19:53 The Reset Recap & This Week's Exercise21:47 Closing Thought: Someone Worth Discovering Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created shop sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you of better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shop sex withemly.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your

best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at Sex With Emily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook for even more sex and relationship advice and more resources, go to sex with Emily.com. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give a really good newsletter. Shot my curated sexual wellness products and picks at shop sex with Emily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides and everything you need to have the best sex ever. And one more thing, I'm taking sex with Emily on the road. My new live show, the best sex ever tour, is coming to cities across the country. It's basically live coaching meets comedy meets audience Q&A and we are getting into it.

There has been magic happening in these rooms. You just have to come experiencing it. There's real conversations about sex and dating and relationships and we become very close by the end of the night. Visit sex withemly.com slash events for dates and tickets. And thanks for listening or watching and for being here. And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Have you ever had sex with someone you love, rolled over, and afterward thought, that was nice. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you're thinking, is this it? Is this what my sex life is going to be now for the rest of my life? Because a lot of people are having perfectly fine sex. It works. Maybe someone orgasms. No one's complaining. Probably because they're not talking about it.

But you know the routine. And maybe that's the problem because fine can become autopyms. And here's the good news. Great sex isn't luck. You weren't born with, you know, the skills to be great at sex. And it isn't chemistry. You're supposed to magically keep alive forever because people can't do that. That doesn't happen. Great sex is a skill set. So today I'm giving you a four-step reset to get out of autopilot and start having sex. It actually feels good again. We're going to notice, name, shame, and experiment. And we're starting with the one most people skip. I'm Dr. Emily Morris. I have a doctor in human sexuality, and I've hosted one of the biggest sex and relationship podcasts in the world for over 20 years. It's called Sex with Emily.

Step one is notice. And this sounds simple, but most of us are actually pretty bad at it. We tend to judge our sex lives by a few basic metrics. We had sex, someone orgasmed, nobody complained. Great. Sex accomplished. But that doesn't tell me very much about how. the sex actually felt. Remember, sex is a felt experience. I want you to start paying attention

to your experience while you're having it. Are you actually there? Because you know that feeling when you're physically having sex? But meanwhile, your brain's like, how does my body look from this angle? Oh, I wonder if I'm doing the right move. Can the kids hear us? Can the neighbors hear us? How long is this going to take? Did I send that text back to my boss? You can physically be in bed about your brain is like in another zip code. And that is useful information. I remember helping a woman who told me she just wasn't excited about sex anymore. The usual.

She loved her partner. She was attracted to them. But as she started describing their sex life, I realized they had basically been having the same sex for years at the same time, the same place, the same moves, the same ending. She was like, maybe we kiss for a second. He takes my clothes off. We do the thing. And it's like, she's thinking like, I know how this story ends and I would like to unsubscribe.

I mean, I get it. There are shows that I love that I don't need to watch the exact same episode of every Thursday for 10 years. That doesn't mean I hate television, it just means I need a new episode. And that is what noticing gives you. Instead of jumping immediately to a conclusion about your entire sex life, you start collecting information. Maybe you make out in the car one night instead of going straight to the bedroom. And suddenly there's this little spark.

Oh, there you are. Interesting. You know, maybe you realize you miss kissing and it's just very predictable now. And maybe something that used to feel great just doesn't hit the same anymore. That's information. Because we update everything else in our lives. We really do. As we change, pretty much everything.

I think about this a lot with exercise. So I used to run marathons. I love running marathons. But after a while, wasn't great for my knees. I realized it took a long time and I just wanted to switch. Not doing that workout anymore. You know, my body changed, I change. And so now what I do is, like, I realize, like, oh, I really love Pilates.

I love hiking, love lifting weights. I feel amazing. I didn't say, well, marathons don't work for me anymore. I guess fitness is over. I just change the workout. Like, why wouldn't we give our sex lives that same permission? We even change how we eat. God knows if you even change how I drink my coffee.

I used to wake up and coffee was basically the first thing entering my body. sip. I loved it. But now I drink water first. I got a little protein and I try not take that sip of coffee and I hate to admit it, but I feel better. You know, delaying that first sip of coffee, that was growth. But here's the point. We update our routines when our bodies and our lives change and our sex lives need updating to. So before you start throwing spice at a sex life you haven't even really paid attention to, notice what feels good still? What feels like? What feels like? little bit still. Like, not that move. I can't have sex in the same position one more time or I'm done. Like, think about it. And what do you miss? Did you love making out at the beginning and you

haven't made out in a while? Did you love when you would go away for the weekend or get a hotel room? Like, what makes you feel more present? Because before you try to spice it up, figure out what's making it bland. And once you notice that, well, now we can get to what you actually want. Step two is name it. Meaning, now that you've noticed what's happening, what do you actually want instead? Now I've spent this entire career asking people what they want sexually, and let me tell you, we are so much better at telling you what we don't want. He goes too fast. We don't have enough foreplay.

He only touches me when he wants sex. It's always the same. I hear you. I got that. But what do you want? And listen, I was exactly the same way. I'll never forget being in my 20s having some pretty disappointing sex. And my boyfriend would say, do you like this?

And I'd be like, yeah, it's great. I did not like it. But here's a problem. If I had said, no, then what? I didn't have a better suggestion. I had no idea it was on the sexual menu. I didn't know what else I asked for because no one never asked me. I never really thought about it and I didn't have a lot of experience.

I basically thought sex was this. Kissing, clothes come off. some touching, some penetration, hopefully orgasm, good night. Like there was a prefixed menu and apparently I'd already ordered. I didn't know I could say, actually, can we just stay here a little bit longer? I really like this moment of kissing. You know, can you touch me like this? Can you make out for 20 minutes?

Can we not do that thing tonight? The truth is, I didn't even have the language. And I think that's where a lot of people are. We say, I want better sex. Okay, how? Because better sex is really hard for your partner to do anything with. So here's a really simple way to start. Sex would feel better to me if that's it. You don't need a five-paid sexual manifesto. Just finish that one sentence. Sex would feel better to me if we made out a little longer. If there was a little bit more into anticipation, it didn't move so quickly. If you touch me sometimes without me wondering, whether it had to become sex. If we just slowed everything down, maybe if we had sex in the morning

instead of waiting until I'm basically unconscious. And even if that feels like super intimidating, start with something you already know you liked. Think about a sexual experience where something felt really, really good. Not necessarily the entire night. That's hard to remember. One moment.

Maybe someone touched you over your clothes before taking them off and you love the feeling of the fabric against your body. We have so many nerve writing, so try that one. Great. There's information. You don't have to understand your entire erotic blueprint by Tuesday. So just like start collecting clues because your body has been giving you data your entire life.

We just haven't been taking notes. But it's not to paying attention. And once you have one thing you can name, now you have something you can actually share with a partner. And sometimes like one of the easiest, ways to practice this is to bring in something new you can explore together. Not because a new toy is going to magically fix your communication. Please, if vibrators could fix communication in your entire sex life, I've been out of a job like 20 years ago.

Here's the thing about toys. Toys is something like new. If you're going to get curious about it together, it's a shared experience. It actually enhances intimacy instead of taking away from it. People think like a toy's going to mess us up. No. So it's like, oh wow, we've never used this toy together, so therefore it's new, right? And we want that novelty. And one of my favorite recommendations if you don't know where to start is a penis ring because it can be a shared experience. And I know, again, you're like toys, isn't that for her or that's going to get in the way?

No. But you together, a toy actually gives you more to communicate about. So I love the we vibe pivot penis ring. and it's one that I like, particularly for partnered sex. It's got this built-in vibrators. You can actually practice the whole conversation we've been having. You can say like more, less, slower, stay right there. And that's really the way. You're giving yourself something new to discover together. So if you want to experiment with the WeVy pivot,

head to shop Sex Withemly.com. I'll put the individual link here in the show notes, but you're going to love this one. I've been telling people about this pivot for years. And once you could actually name one thing you like, one thing you miss, and what you're curious about, now comes a part that changes everything. You have to tell your partner. And that's step three, share.

And I need you to listen closely because this one could save you a lot of really bad conversations. Are you ready? If you love this podcast, well, you have to come experience the best sex ever tour. It is sex with Emily, completely unfiltered and in the room with you. talking sex, dating, relationships, desire, all the things we're thinking about, but don't always say out loud. There's live Q&A, anonymous confessions, there's audience games, there's lots of laughs, and yes, you can finally ask me the questions you've been dying to ask. But there's a bigger reason I'm doing these shows. I think we need to save sex. We're having less of it. We're more

disconnected than ever, and so many of us are struggling with desire and intimacy and dating, and how to actually talk to each other. And truly, that's what I've loved most about these shows. When we're all together in a room talking and laughing about the things we usually keep private, you realize, oh, everyone has questions. Everyone has stuff. I'm definitely not the only one. Because great sex isn't just about sex.

It's about connection. And we could all use a lot more of it right now. Our next stop is Nashville, September 29th at Zanies with more cities coming. Go to Sex Withemble.com slash a events to get your tickets and see where we're headed next. Remember, you can also check out our merch at shop sex withemly.com. We've got some really cute save sex merch and more is coming soon. So come hang out with me. Let's save sex one city at a time. That's sex with Emily.com slash events. Don't have the important conversations about sex while you're already having

sex and please don't have it right after one of you has been rejected. Those are probably two of the worst times. You're naked, you're activated, someone's horny, someone's hurt, someone's confused. And now we're going to have a thoughtful conversation about the state of our sex life. No, that is like, that is the worst timing. Have the conversation when you're both like regulated, come, close on, going for a walk, in the car, at a road trip. Nobody's trying to initiate anything. You're just talking. This is the dynamic I see all the time. One partner tells me she never want sex anymore and then I talk to her and she says, every time he touches me,

I feel like I have to have sex. Same relationship, completely different experience. And I'll never, ever forget this story. I heard this from a friend of mine years ago. She was actually the first person in my friend group to have a baby. She was 23.

And her baby was maybe six weeks old and one night she's exhausted, she's made dinner, she's cleaning up, she's standing up at the sink, washing bottles, and she's already thinking, why am I the one washing all these fucking bottles? And then her husband comes up behind her,

puts his hands on her, starts rubbing against her. And I'll never remember this call. She told me, she's like, he just wanted to scream. Not because she doesn't love him, not because she's not attracted to him, but she's six weeks postpartum. She is exhausted.

Her body is still recovering from having an entire human come out of it. And now his hands on her body, that doesn't feel a connection. that feels like one more person who needs something from her. And that's the part I never forget. Because in his mind, he's probably thinking, I'm touching my wife. I miss her.

I want to feel close to her. And in her mind, it's like, ugh, now I've taken care of him too. And then comes to guilt. I'm a terrible wife. I should want this. I should want sex with him. Meanwhile, her body is saying,

absolutely not. We are closed for, close for anything. Close for renovation. Close for sex. Nobody has to be the villain in this story. And that's what I want you to understand. He's experienced rejection. She's experiencing pressure. They're having the same moment but from opposite sides. God, I wish I knew then what I know now because I would have told her don't wait until you're furious at the sink. Like talk to him outside of that moment. And instead of like every time he touched me, you just want sex. Don't do that. Try. I really miss being touched without feeling like it has to go somewhere. You know, I would love it if sometimes you just held me, you kissed me, you rub my feet,

like that was enough. Or even at that moment, she could have said, I love feeling your hands on me, help me finish these bottles and then come upstairs, rub my feet for a few minutes, let's just be close. And now, like there she would have given him something he can actually do. So think about what's actually going to land. And this is one of my favorite communication shifts. Turn the complaint into a request.

For example, like I love thinking about this because our complaints are clues. So let's say you're constantly complaining that your friend only calls when she needs something. Well, that is annoying, but underneath that is probably, I want a friendship that feels mutual. Well, sex works the same way. We always do the same thing. That complaint. Underneath that complaint is,

I'm really craving novelty. Or like, God, my partner always rush his right to penetration. Okay, there's information there. I want more buildup. I want some anticipation. Send me a sexy text. Let's plan for it. Let's think of what's next.

I want you take your time with me. Do you see the difference? You always rush me, gives your partner something to defend. And you know what? I would love it if you slow down and tease me more. That actually gives them something to do. That's a completely different conversation. And by the way, this does not mean you have to package every need perfectly

so your partner never has a feeling. You're allowed to say what you want. But it's just this little reframe, When you can turn your criticism or your complaints into useful information, you give your partner a chance to actually meet you there, to actually hear what you're saying. And that creates more emotional safety, which, by the way, is incredibly erotic.

Because great sex requires me to know that I can say, slower. Not there. More pressure. Stay right there. I don't actually want penetration tonight. But I've always wanted to try this. And if I do that,

you're not going to pout, you're not going to laugh at me, you're not going to get defensive, or make me feel bad for telling the truth. Because if I have to manage your reaction while I'm trying to figure out my pleasure, well, that's just like a full-time job. And nobody wants another job at bed. So great sexual communication isn't saying everything perfectly. It's knowing it's safe to say what's true, like once you find what is true. And then that's what lets both of you relax enough to actually explore.

Now? And once you can notice what you feel, because this is all about noticing the feelings in our body, name what you want and share it without making either person the enemy. Okay, step four is my favorite. Experiment. Here we go. Long-term couples will say to me all the time, oh, we know it works. And I'm like, do you? Because sometimes we know what works actually means we found four things that worked 10 years ago. We've been doing them the same every time ever since. Well, congratulations. How's that going for you? Because here's the thing. You are not having sex with the same person you met 12 years ago. I mean, technically they're the same person. But they want something different. You probably want something different.

And they're not having sex with the same version of you either. Thank God you've changed. Your body's changed. Your life has changed. What turned you on can change. Your sexual tastes evolved just like everything else. Like, think about food. You wouldn't say, well, I figured out what I like to eat

when I was 27, so I guess we're done here. No, you try a new restaurant, you discover food you thought you hated, something you loved 10 years ago, you're selling like, why did I ever eat that? I used to think kale was super exciting, and now we've all evolved, like, don't give me kale. Sex should get that same permission. And experiment does not mean that tonight you need to come home with a sex swing and announce Emily said we got to evolve. Please do not blame me on that.

It can be much smaller than that. I remember working with a couple who felt like their sex life had gotten super stale and they were convinced they needed some huge change. And the truth is they didn't. They started with simply making out again. That's it. They hadn't made out in years. They hadn't made out and they were just rushing into penetration.

And you know that kind of kissing you do at the beginning of a relationship when you're not immediately trying to get anywhere? They started doing that again. That's the kissing they did. And what surprised them was just how erotic. it felt. Like it felt like a turn on again. Like they were kids again, meeting. Like is it going to happen? Is it not going to happen? Are we going to have sex? To talk as making out of some groundbreaking new sexual technique, they just stopped doing it. And that's the spirit I want you to bring into experimenting. Not, well, we need to refix our whole sex life more like,

oh, I wonder what would happen if we tried this. We tried something. See how it feels. Keep it works. Get rid of what doesn't. Because not every experiment is going to be amazing. You know, you might try something you fantasize about for five years and then halfway through think, okay, you know what? Fantasy was better than reality. I'll just keep that, you know, we won't try that again. That's great information. But it doesn't mean you failed at sex.

You learned something about yourself. And that's why I like to think of couples as becoming sexual researchers of each other. And good researchers don't already know the answer, do they? They get really curious. They pay attention. You know, they're willing to be surprised. You guys are in this together and that's the shipped instead of like, oh, we know it works. What could work now?

Because now you got a whole clean slate. Like I'm giving you permission to say, I guarantee you you have not updated your sexual bag of tricks in a really long time. You know, because great sex isn't about finding the perfect formula and repeating it for the rest of your relationship on and on because you see how that's going. It's continuing to discover the person you're with and letting them continue to discover you. Okay. So here's the reset. Ready? name what's happening. Name what you want. Share it and experiment. You do not need the overhaul.

Just stay curious enough to stop assuming you've already figured each other out. Gosh, because even after five, 10, 20 years together, one of the sexiest things you can say to your partners, I don't know everything about you yet. So for this week's conversation, this is what I want you to do. Don't sit your partner down and say, are you happy with our sex life? Nothing says like, let's get erotic. and turned on like an annual performance review. Instead, ask, what's something we've done together sexually that you still think about? And then just listen. Like, what's their answer?

They might say that afternoon at the hotel in Mexico or that time we made out on the couch forever with no one was home and it was just the two of us and there were thunderstorms outside. Or they might bring up some random like Tuesday three years ago that you barely remember. And like, that's actually the interesting part. And then ask, what was it about that? was so hot for you. So now we're getting somewhere because there's some information. Like, why? You can't create that exact night, but like, what were the elements of that moment?

You're asking them to tell you how their desire works. What are their turn-ons? And you, and you might learn that it wasn't that hotel in Mexico at all. It was that you flirt with them all day. You guys felt really loose and free. It was that you weren't rushed. It was the way you looked at them across the bar that night. It was, you know, you made out for 20 minutes without knowing where it was going. I mean, that's the gold. Because now you have information you can actually use. And so on that you're not having a complaint meeting about your sex life, you're creating eroticism while you're talking about it. And that's the whole point. The couples having great sex aren't necessarily the ones who started out with some like once in a lifetime insane chemistry.

They're the couples who never stop listening to each other. So this week, do me a favor. Notice, name, share, experiment, and keep going. Because great sex isn't about finally figuring your partner out. It's realizing that, hey, that's what? They're actually someone worth discovering. And that's how you go from sex that's fine to sex that feels alive, connected, and genuinely yours. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media. Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website. Sex with Emily.com and please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms as I head into my 21st year. You can find them all. Also, I'm going on tour if you want to check

it out. Go to sex withemly.com slash events. And don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening.