Sex With Emily - The Real Reason Sex Feels Like Pressure Instead of Pleasure | Sex With Emily

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

In this episode live recording of Sex With Emily, I break down what’s really getting in the way of your pleasure, from the way most of us were taught about sex to why so many people feel disconnected, pressured, or stuck in their heads during intimacy. I explain how performance-based thinking replaces sensation, why desire changes over time, and what it actually takes to build trust with your body again. We also get into how to communicate what you want with a partner, how to bridge the gap between solo pleasure and partnered sex, and why slowing down is the key to feeling more present and connected. If you’ve ever felt like something is off in your sex life or struggled to relax and enjoy it, this episode will help you understand what’s really happening and how to create more confidence, clarity, and pleasure moving forward. Note: This was a live recording from November 2025. #SexWithEmily #EmilyMorse #LiveStream Check out Magic Wand at shop.sexwithemily.com/magicwand Don't miss a video! Subscribe NOW: https://www.youtube.com/@SexWithEmilyOfficial?sub_confirmation=1 ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex. CONNECT: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/ X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply! Chapters: 00:00 Pleasure Is The Teacher 02:08 What Is Pleasure Based Sex Education? 03:08 Learning From The Body Instead Of The Mind 04:08 Why We Struggle To Feel Pleasure 06:10 Lack Of Desire vs Lack Of Safety And Permission 07:08 The Importance Of Slowing Down And Feeling 09:27 Why We Disconnect During Sex 10:13 Building Erotic Self-Trust And Awareness 11:16 You’re Not Broken: Reframing Sexual Beliefs 13:05 Community Q&A Begins: Real Questions About Sex 14:11 How To Communicate Desire And Dominance 17:44 Co-Creating Pleasure With Your Partner 22:43 Bridging Solo Pleasure And Partnered Sex 27:59 Reconnecting With Your Body As It Changes 33:08 Getting Out Of Your Head And Into Sensation 40:00 Pain, Hormones, And Navigating Physical Changes 43:55 Rebuilding Sexual Confidence After Time Alone 48:34 Final Thoughts: Practice, Communication, And Pleasure Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. Well, that's exactly why we created the Shop Sex with Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team. And these are products I trust. I recommend to clients and would tell my friends about. I do tell my friends about. It's what I talk about all the time.

Whether you're exploring solo pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner, or you really just want something body safe and beginner friendly. we've organized it so you don't feel overwhelmed. People love the dame pillow for supported sex, the magic wand waterproof. Oh my God, it's so good. Cray Vesper, massage candles, Joe flavored lobe, We vibe touch,

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Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Pleasure here is actually the teacher. If I asked you about the last time you had sex, can you remember what you were feeling? Do you remember what touch felt good? It's not that a lot of us really lack desire. We lack permission and safety and patience with our bodies. This is sexual intelligence

and expanding what actually counts as pleasure. This is how we build erotic self-trust. Can I trust my body and knowing what it wants? We create sustainable desire over time rather than just chasing it. You're not broken, you're just operating from a system that wasn't built to support you or your pleasure in the first place. Hi, everyone. Good to see you all. Thank you for joining. How's everybody doing? Very excited to chat with all of you today. I'll wait for you all to join, but I want to remind you that we are talking about pleasure-based sex education.

So what does that mean? Hi, everyone. Pleasure-based Sex Ed. I'm going to do some. You guys have submitted some questions, which I so appreciate. And then we're going to answer them. And so, hi, everyone. Hi, Ben.

Hi, everyone. Wait a second here. And I want to remind you all that I love when you submit questions here. When we start to have a conversation answering questions for those of you, who are here participating. And I do have the questions that you submitted earlier. And so I have those. But again, if you get inspired,

any time during this conversation, please just chat me your questions. All right. Okay, so I think I have to close this door for one second. There's a noise, hold on. It's a noisy time of day in this area, but it is beautiful in Los Angeles. I know, I know.

A lot of you are in hot places, right? I mean, cold places right now, huh? Okay, so before I get into your questions and again, start thinking of your own. If anything comes up for you, well, I'm talking right now. Again, we are all here to learn and to, you know, nurture this community. So we're talking about pleasure-based sex education. That is what we're diving into this month on SmartSex. And most of us were not taught anything about pleasure.

Most of sex education that any of us have had and that still lingers with us in our bodies, is that sex education is built around risk, you know, like, and fear. Don't get pregnant. Don't get an STI. All these bad things could happen. Or it's based on performance, right? Can you stay hard? How many orgasms do you get to have?

Or it's about fixing a problem or, you know, learning mechanics and like sex positions that we think is really going to help us have the best sex. Sex positions without meaning or just mechanics around it, meaning like positions or how to perform oral sex. or how to make the move and all those things have a place in sex education. But pleasure here is actually the teacher. So when we center on pleasure and people with pleasure, when we center pleasure around our sex education,

we listen differently, we soften instead of like brace ourselves, we get curious instead of defensive, we learn from the body, not just the brain. And that's a really big part of pleasure-based sex education is that it's really led by our own. internal knowing. It's led by our own bodies and what we actually like, what great sex looks like to us, what kind of touch we want, how we want to communicate around sex. And when we really lean into pleasure, we learn what we like. That's how we learn. Like,

oh, I like this kind of touch and not that kind of touch. Or I like a slow buildup to sex, not just, you know, moving right into penetrative sex. You know, we start to understand our boundaries better. We build communication skills. We heal shame. We reconnect with our body after trauma. You know, we create sustainable desire over time rather than just chasing it, you know, chasing that earlier high we had in a long-term relationship. So, you know, pleasure, again, isn't just about orgasm. It's about safety and presence and self-trust and nervous system regulation and ultimately having agency around pleasure and not just, you know, doing the act and checking sex off the list. And I really do think that we have a huge problem with pleasure in general.

And when I talk about cultivating more pleasurable life, sex is part of it. But it can be so hard to access pleasure and experience pleasure, even want sex when our lives are just, you know, our lives consist of checking things off the life. list of work, of family, of doing things for everyone else but ourselves. And so, you know, we have a conditioning problem around pleasure. A lot of us were taught, you know, sex is dangerous, pleasure is irresponsible, desire is out of our control. If we're a good person, we don't want too much or we don't fantasize, you know, our bodies are meant to be objectified or judged. And so pleasure gets really, really tangled in shame and fear and productivity and comparison. So there's all these problems around pleasure.

And we don't even think we deserve even, you know, something that we covet, like time with friends or that massage or working on our hobbies or I don't know how people have hobbies these days. But, you know, if we like gardening or hiking or cooking, we just do realize that all. all these things that actually give us true authentic pleasure without having to jump through a bunch of hoops, we often just put them on the back burner and think we don't really deserve them until we check everything off the list. And so, you know, it feels really selfish or unsafe or hard to access. And then we learn like, well, I can't really trust my turn-ons. I can't really trust my body. And we like push through discomfort and we perform instead of feel.

And it just gets very, very messy. And so it's not that a lot of us really lack desire. We lack permission and safety and patience with our bodies. We're just not very patient that the process of learning what actually makes us feel good is a process. It takes time. It takes us, you know, learning to feel without all that pressure without all that shame. So, you know, there's a lot we're going to be talking about today, you know, about, you know, when it comes to sex, people often ask, like, why don't I want sex like I used to?

Why can I just relax or what's wrong with my body? And so a lot of us is just because we are expecting our bodies to perform and to react to sex how it was in the past. But when we really embrace pleasure, we have to retrain our nervous system to actually receive pleasure, especially if pleasure and intimacy has been tied up in performance. And so slowing down, that's like the first thing to actually feel sensations. Pleasure starts with the feeling, right? The feeling of it. So noticing a breath, I realize I've been talking really fast. So now it's like noticing our breath, noticing the temperature in our room, the temperature

on our skin, tension, or softening, or just even micro levels of arousal of how it feels to be touched. Like what does it actually feel like when we have little, you know, soft touch or a harder touch. You know, this is all before we even jump into sex. So doing these little sensation learning throughout the day when you're driving or you're feeling anxious or you're feeling worried. It's like I do this a lot where I'm feeling stressed about things I think and I just go into the next thing like the next task or I pick up my phone to scroll or I eat something. It's like no, what do I actually need right now?

And usually I find my body needs to breathe. Like I did three minutes of breathing before I started talking to you while I went to jump by this little trampoline outside and I jump on that to release before I have to do something because it just I've had to train myself that I don't have to always be in motion doing the next thing I need to come back to my body several times throughout the day so you know that's just a really foreign part of I think is slowing down and knowing like what am I actually feeling in the moment and that practice of doing it like even right now if we all just take a minute and we closed our eyes and we did like a noticing of breathing for a minute like taking some deep inhales and exhales I want everyone to close your eyes for a minute inhale exhale you can just do a few

on your own and like when my exhales are a little longer than my inhales and when you do that i already feel more present in the room and if your eyes will still close you can notice like what is the temperature in the room what are you hearing what are you smelling what are you tasting really getting curious and specific about the current moment is how we start to expand our awareness and our consciousness around what we actually want, where our body is in time. I notice my dog barking per usual. So I want to put in what you're actually noticing. Yeah, read slowing down is what you need.

Me too. All the time. I do it now. Now it has become a habit throughout the day just to sort of notice, you know, what my body needs in the moment. notice I was thirsty. And so a lot of this is about, you know, you can imagine in the bedroom where a lot of us are caught up and like, what's next? What's coming next? What do I have to do? I mean, anyone else relate to that? That in the moment when you're having sex, if I asked you

at the last time you had sex, can you remember what you were feeling? Do you remember what touch felt good? What sensations felt good? What was happening in the room? Usually we don't. Usually it's more like about keeping a scorecard about who had an orgasm, who was receiving and who was giving. But the more we slow down and realize that put ourselves in the forefront about what we actually want to feel, this is how we build erotic self-trust. Can I trust my body and knowing what it wants? Can I trust my body says yes to? My body says no to. You know, this is sexual intelligence, you know, and expanding what actually counts as pleasure. It's not just orgasm. It's anticipation and touch and eye contact and safety, play, laughter, aftercare, being seen

without actually performing. This is all pleasure-based sex education because, you know, pleasure isn't just a luxury that we get to experience. We should be experiencing. We get to find ways that we have pleasure in our day-to-day life. You know, it's a healing mechanism, pleasure as a communication tool, it's a self-knowledge pathway, you know, and then when we don't center on pleasure, that's when we get burned out, we get resentment, we do duty sex or obligation sex, we numb out. So these are these are all the

ways we can just start to practice it in our daily life. But just know that there's nothing wrong with you, right? Like there's nothing wrong with you when you think about sex today. you're worrying why you can't relax or be present or what's wrong with your body. You're not broken. You're just operating from a system that wasn't built to support you or your pleasure in the first place. And so asking those questions, like, what do I need to feel safe? What beliefs do I carry about sex that aren't actually mine? And this comes up a lot with shame and realizing that a lot of the messages we have about sex

were planted long time ago in our heads and our brains by culture, society, our families, religion, and it's no longer what you believe, and that's okay. So to actually treat sex and pleasure, treat yourself with compassion instead of criticism is such an important part here. And so that's why I love this work. I love focusing on pleasure and thinking about even when we're done today, what can you do that's pleasurable for you? What, what is, does that even look like, right? So be thinking about that. I love when we take the shame out, we place with understanding and curiosity, and we place the fear with accurate information about sex and pleasure. And we replace our silence, which so many of us live in with with conversation

and community, which is what we're doing. And then we get that memo, our nervous system, which is often in fight or flight, gets that memo that like, oh, I get to feel good. That's when our desire returns when we relax and intimacy is connection and intimacy is is is about you know connecting with someone and feeling safe Nina I'm glad you felt relaxed by that um so that's the pleasure-based sex ad we're focusing on this month if anyone has any questions around that um Annie asked is it true when we count we automatically use a certain part of our brain that's different from when we think of other things um it would make sense that when we count or we're focused on a mantra or we're just focused on our breath, that yeah, it is a different part of our brain.

We're getting out of the fight or flight parts of our brain and we're getting on a, that's why, like, movement, repetition or repeating certain phrases or certain things allows us to feel, to feel safe. So yeah, it's a different, it helps to calm our nervous system and it is a different part of our brain for sure. So anyone have anything else that came up from that little intro into pleasure and if not I can get into some of your questions that were submitted earlier and also happy to jump into anything that comes up in this moment so I really want this to be a a dialogue with you all so we got in some new members today first so welcome new members I'm so glad you're here and let's get some questions but again add anything to the chat so this is the first one

how can I get my husband to be more done there I struggle finding the words to ask. Okay, I love this question because when someone says to you, can you be more dominant, that can mean so many different things. Do you want to be tied up? Do you want to be spanked? Do you want dirty top? Do you want it to be boss? Your partner to be bossy? Do you want them to just take the lead with positions? Do you want restraint, spanking, orgasm control? Like, there's so many different ways to look at it. And so sometimes we ask our partners for something, but we're not giving them enough context or maybe we don't even know because dominant could be i just want partner to initiate so you see even just saying that we sometimes assume well i got the hard part out

i ask for what i want but your partner might not even know what you mean so when you're having these conversations hopefully they're outside the bedroom you know that's my favorite way for us to have sex conversations is you paint the picture for them and you say when i said more dominant What really turns me on is you pinning my wrists, pushing me up against the wall, telling me where you want me to sit, where you want me to lay down, what you want me to wear, making me wait until you come back. You know, like, what does it actually look like? Specifics really, really help here.

So a simple script could be, you know, telling them, tell me to get on the bed, put my hands above my head. Like, don't come until I say, good girl or good boy, you know, keeping it caring, but keeping it also directive. You can also create safe words around this, where you're like giving them the control to dominate, but you're saying like, we're going to use safe words. Like a traffic light is a really easy way to do it. Red means stop. Yellows proceed with caution. Green means go. So a great place to start. I always recommend a blindfold. You can buy a blindfold. You can use a scarf you have around the house. You can use a towel. It doesn't matter.

but when you start with a blind bolt, you know, or holding the wrist and a blindbolt, that's a great way to start with domination. And then checking in, checking in with, you know, how does that make you feel or do you want more, do you want less? You can also find some porn. This is where I love bringing porn as a teachable moment. If there's been some scenes in porn that have led you, you know, I've made you feel like that's really hot, show that to your partner and say, I really like the way they do this,

but that the way they don't do that. And I was thinking I would do it this way. So you guys get to co-create together. And even in this question of how do I get my partner to be dominant, a lot of the way we're going to get what we want or what we both need in a relationship is collaboration, which is the third pillar of sexual intelligence, is how we collaborate together.

So you guys are literally co-creating this sexual experience together. And so bringing your partner into it. Like I pictured you watching porn together and you being like, I like this, I don't like that. So maybe it'll be arousing, but maybe it's little. Your partner's going, well, would you want me to spank you that hard? And you're like, no, not that hard. Maybe it's just a lighter tap.

And then together, you're having fun with it. And I can already hear some people hearing this and going, but then that's not sexy. It sounds like we're just like talking about it. But you're not doing it in that moment. You're creating and visualizing and experiencing and doing a little bit of, you know, foreplay here about what could actually work going forward because, again, our partners aren't mind readers, maybe their last partner wanted to be dominated, but it looks very different than how you want to be dominated.

So those are my request for you. If anyone has any requests that they want to make for their partner and you want me to help you brainstorm around it, you can put your question in the chat. Remember, this is a safe space. We're not sharing anyone's stories here, and that's why we've created it. Nina says that makes sense sometimes.

I struggle with finding out what I want specifically. Maybe trying some of these can be a good start with my husband. Yeah, absolutely. find some porn, find some female friendly porn that maybe this might be more aligned, you know, with what you like, you know, finding porn that actually shows bodies like yours or women like you. And it's a great play. Also, audio erotica is really fun to listen to. I know Quinn and what's the other one that we talk about.

Dipsy, they have fun, audioritica, if you don't like watching porn, but you're like listening to it. Or just find erotica and read stories together, you know, that's really fun to read erotica to each other. So yeah, I think, I think, Nina, also to your point, a lot of us, I would say that most of us struggle with knowing specifics about what we want, because a lot of us have not been having sex based in pleasure. We're having sex based in performance. We're having sex based on checking it off the list. It's what my partner wants. Or I'm doing the same things I've always done and they're no longer working and I don't know where to go from there. I mean, listen, I want to normalize the fact that what we want is going to change decade

to decade, year to year sometimes month to month, even week to week. So that's why ongoing consent and conversations are so important. Because just because we wanted something five years ago or five minutes ago, we can change. Our bodies change. The more we come on board, our nervous system settle. We're like, I thought I wanted a little bit more rough play. But right now I really want to be held. We get to do that during sex.

And the more we have a partner, hopefully we do, that's willing to collaborate with us, you know, they'll understand that it's okay to change courses. It's okay to, like, figure it out in the moment, too. And then also after care and after talking about your sex life or what worked for you after that last session or what do you want more of, you get to explore all this together as a couple, do everything else in your life, right? Lead says on the other end of the spectrum, how can I tell my partner I want to be more dominant with her. I haven't really taken that leap and I'm nervous to ask her to submit because she's such

a strong woman. Okay, Reed, this is great. I mean, I think, again, it's the same way. It's telling her, it's having the conversation outside the bedroom on date night or next time you guys are just hanging out the two of you and saying, I, when we want to share our fantasies or our desires with our partners, we want to frame it in a way that's not just, I want to be more dominant with you, but we paint a picture about the two of you together and we say I really want to be I've had these you know fantasies or I've been thinking a lot about dominating you because I find you so sexy and so hot and it really turns me on to think about and then this is read you'd fill in the blank you'd say I picture me blood you come on from work I draw you a bath then I take you out of the bathroom I blindfold you there's music playing

whatever paint the scenario read and say and then you're lying there in bed and you don't really know what's going to come next or I'd like to give you so much pleasure in this way or I want to thank you or I want to talk dirty you because I think that would be really arousing and I can I get the sense that you might like surrendering to especially if she's a strong woman I can tell you that there's a lot of strong women that are so you know in our daily lives we're running businesses we're in our masculine we are taking care of everyone else but ourselves that we're so delighted to to relinquish control when we get in the bedroom. I know I'm that way.

I know a lot of my strong friends are like that way. We're like, can we just be with somebody who's going to just take over and set the stage? And so, yeah, good read that. That's a good point. The conversation starts somewhere. And even if you guys have never talked about it, you can be like, tell me some things that you want to try. You don't have to lead with like, I want to be more dominant. If you guys have never talked about your sex life, you can talk about some things that she

likes and what's something she might want to try. This is also I'll lead you back to our yes no maybe list. If it's a new partner, you might want to start with the list of all of those sex acts that we list on this yes no maybe list where you get to play with it together. So I think again, a lot of times when our partners feel like we're just demanding something like be more dominant or I want to be dominant or take control, we don't know how we factor in. We're like, okay, so now I'm doing something that you want. What's in it for me? So every time we talk about fantasies with our partners, we want to make sure that we're bringing them into it, that we're saying this isn't just about me wanting this from you. It's about us co-creating it together. So that's a great,

great question. Okay, so that's great. We have another question here, unless someone has something else. Okay, so there's another question here. I know what turns me on when I'm alone, but I freeze when I try to communicate that with a partner. How could I bridge the gap between solo pleasure and partnered pleasure? Okay, anyone else can relate to that, that when you're alone or you're masturbating, you know what you want. You know what feels good. You know what kind of touch, but then with your partner and you're like, how do I do that?

So first, I would have this kind of conversation with your partner outside the bedroom about your sexual communication styles, and I would even tell him and say, hey, I've noticed there's some things that I want, but I'm not really sure how to communicate them to you. I mean, I almost feel like just calling it like it is and saying, this is what I'm worried about. This is, you know, I'm sure your partner is going to be like, well, tell me more about that. And then you've taken out the, you've already said it, you've had the fear around it, the shame around it, and you're just starting to talk about it. So you could start with just some eye statements about I've noticed that when I'm alone, I really like slow to deliberate touch. I really like my clitoris to be touched this way. I really love when you kiss my neck.

Sometimes I feel like you kiss my neck and then you move on to other parts of my body and I would love if you lingered there just a little bit longer. I'd love to use my toy with you. Can I show you how I use my toy? You know, start with like a small, a small thing that you'd like and then build from there. So, so I think that's why you, that's how you bridge the gap is letting him know that it's a little bit scary for you. But I want to remind you all that it's scary for all of us, that I know that most couples haven't had conversations about sex that actually moves the needle for their pleasure.

They haven't, it's more like, when are we having sex, or how often should we have sex, or can we try this move or try this position, but really healthy conversations that are about, like, addressing the fear or the shame around even talking about it and then moving on from that point. because your confidence is going to build by practicing talking about it. That's why I'm telling you most couples haven't done this kind of work, and it is a skill set,

and it is a practice. And I promise you it gets easier over time. Like it really does. It's like everything else in life, right? Like when you first, remember like your first job and you went to talk to your boss about getting a raise or getting days off, it was really, really scary. But now you go through life, you're like, yeah, these are the conversations I have with my boss or I have people I work with. So it's the same thing with sex.

Most of us have just, you know, remain silent around our sex life or hope our partner guesses or we're just not having conversations in a productive way. And so a lot of us have a gap between our solo pleasure and our partner pleasure, especially women I find, you know, they can have a lot of orgasms with their part alone, but not with a partner. Another great bridge for this is mutual masturbation where you're both lying down next to each other and you're masturbating. You're both pleasuring yourselves, which is really hot because you get to,

you know you're going to have an orgasm, but you also can look at what your partner does to please themselves. So if your partner, you're noticing that she's like masturbating and she's touching herself like she's rubbing her labia more. She's like really applying pressure there. Then you know next time you go down on her or you touch her, you're going to do the same thing. Or if your partner, this is my new penis, my new penis puppet.

It's not really puppet, but it's my new penis teaching tool. Like, I remember being with a guy once, and I noticed that when he masturbated, he went up and over like this. We were mutually masturbating, and he went like this. So then I knew, okay, so he wants the head. He really wants his head touch. Like the way he was doing with his hand, I just mimic that. I mimic that with my mouth or with my hand because I saw, well, that works for that. You know?

So it's like, that's why I think, again, if you already know, like, show them what you like. and they're going to pay attention. So that's really, really fun. Okay, Annie, that could have been your question. Did that answer your question? Annie says that that might have been her question about the actual communication. So to sum up, the actual communication comes from having the fear,

breathing into it, doing it anyway, doing it in the right condition, the right time, making sure you guys are, you know, going to be exchanging information in a place that feels safe. And just, you know, asking you know, asking your partner if they have questions, if they want to continue to elaborate. It's an ongoing conversation. So in some, you just got to do it.

You got to start talking about it. It might be clunky at first. It might be awkward at first, you know. And again, I find that a lot of times when these sex conversations come up, we tend to get into a little fear phase because we don't have experience doing it. So maybe we get into fight or flight or our breath starts to quick in or we're holding our breath or your partner might look shocked. fearful and it's probably because they're worried they've been bad lovers up until now or maybe now that you're telling them they don't know how they're afraid they're not going to be able to please you you know usually their responses have to do with their own inexperience of

talking about it so I want to give you all homework to go home and have a conversation about sex and then come back next time and tell me how it goes okay all right we have another question here I feel like my body has changed in my 30s 40s 50s and what used to turn me on doesn't anymore. How do I reconnect with myself sexually as I evolve? Well, this great. I love that you notice that all of our bodies change with what we want with different decades, right? Like things change. Our stress levels change. Maybe we had a baby and our hormone shift or we have more stress or anxiety or we don't feel, you know, just everything changes. We have less time. We, you know, certain things, especially if you're going through paramedopause or

menopause or after a baby, our bodies are full on changing, right? Like different areas, loss of estrogen, you know, can make us more sensitive. So there's just a lot of different things that happen. And so I think how you reconnect yourself sexually is to continue to have a self-love practice, a masturbation practice, solo practice, and exploring, doing something that I call mindful masturbation, which is solo touch with the goal of exploration and not orgasm. So really getting curious on what kind of touch feels good to me now. What kind of touch am I seeking? You know, playing with toys. I mean, I learned so much about my ability to have different kinds of pleasure using, using, especially insertion toys, toys that insert are like

rabbit toys like a rabbit toy. This one is called the Hera Flex by Jeju. I think you can also buy it on our site. But the point is, this is one of my favorites. It's, I know that I learned so much by using a toy like this, that if going inside of yourself, like for a lot of us, we've only had, let's say, clitoral orgasms, which are more amazing and more shallow orgasms externally. And it sometimes helps to be aroused first and have a clitoral orgasm, but then we put something inside of us. And we realize that our internal clitorial network, after we've orgasm, our blood flow quickens, we start to become more engorge with blood, and so we have more sensation. And so it's really fun to play with a toy like this because it helps you, especially

during solo play, not only wake up parts of yourself that might not have been touched with vibration, because vibration is healing. I think toys, people think, oh, it's just a cheat or, you know, no, vibration has been used as a healing modality for thousands of years, not just for sex, but for everything, right? So playing with toys was a big part of me realizing that I could have multiple orgasms. I could have blended orgasms. So that's one thing. And relearning what really turned you on by getting curious about it and not comparing yourself to the past. So when you do engage in solo sex with yourself, you're getting, you're curious. Like, wonder what it turns me on. This is when you can listen to audio erotica or porn or see like what kind of scenarios do turn me on right now.

feels good and really getting yourself into a place of relaxation because when we're in a stressful place, we're running around all day, we're anxious, we're worried with our heads, it's really, really hard to let go. Again, mindfulness and breathing is such a practice. It's such a practice that, you know, I know my years of meditating and breathing have helped me become a better lover, better and better, better for myself. I don't even think like a better performer, but like I have learn how to receive more, how to call myself before sex, so I'm fully in receiving mode. And it's really hard. Actually, I thought about this other day.

I went with someone, a young person, a friend of mine to get a massage. It was like a family member. She's like 20. And she was like, oh, my God, the whole time in the massage, she's like, I was in my head the whole time. I didn't really, I said, how was it? She's like, oh, I was worried the whole time. I was just thinking, thinking.

And I thought, wow, I used to be like that. I used to get massages and I would just be worried the whole time about my day. Or I'd go into therapy and I'd be worried. And I've now learned practices that when I'm walking into a situation that I know require me to be present and in my body, I breathe. I go back to my breath. I go back to the sensations just like I would during sex. So well, not that I'm like blank the whole time getting a massage, but I try to breathe

into sensations now taking it and receiving the touch. And so I just remember when I was her age, I was the exact same way. And probably even 20 years ago, I was the same way. So, you know, how we do one thing is how we do everything. So if you find it really hard to relax in other scenarios, a great breathing practice, mindfulness practice, yoga practice, there's a reason why we all talk about this will really serve you in the bedroom as well. We'll get right back to the episode, but I want to share something I've been loving. The Magic Wand. specifically their waterproof version. It's cordless, it's super powerful and fully submersible,

which means you could bring it into the bath or shower and completely change the way you experience that time. Because here's a thing. Water just has this way of slowing us down. It gets us out of our heads and back into our bodies. And when you add in that deep, rumbly vibration, it becomes really immersive, a full body experience. Just start by letting the water run over your body,

take a breath, and notice what actually feels good. At first you can use the magic wanders to recover. tool on your shoulders, your thighs, your lower back, and then let that relaxation build into pleasure or even bringing into partner play and explore that together. Use it as part of your routine to slow down after rushing around all day. I can't stress enough how important it is to give your mind and your body the chance to get back to a more relaxed state. If you want to check Magic One up for yourself, head to Shop Sex Withemly.com slash Magic One. That's Shop Sex With Emily.com slash Magic One or just click the link in the show notes.

Okay, here's another question. Alexa put in here. One question asked the community that follows the last two. I have to stay really, I have to stay really focused in my head to reach satisfaction. How can I get lost in the sensations

without having to mentally lock in? I'd love to move into a free or more relaxed space without worrying that I'm taking too long because I lost my focus. Any solutions? Great, Lori. Thank you.

That is your question. Okay. So what I think you're speaking to? is a really common scenario where having sex and you're focused on, Lori, do you mind like chatting with me here? When you say that you're really focused, that literally is your question, right? Okay, so Lori, do you mind chatting with me a little bit? When you say you're really focused in your head, are you picturing a scenario? Are you picturing? Are you fantasizing? What is going on when you're locked in if you feel comfortable answering here?

I know for many people we're thinking about, okay, I'm actually having to fantasize. Okay, No apologies. That is so common. You're actually having to fantasize. I'm like, not that you're apologizing, but it's so common. You don't do checklists. Okay, you're not thinking about the laundry, but you're like, I'm fantasizing about the one scenario I know gets me off, which is great. That's how so many of us achieve orgasm. But the question here is, how do I stay focused? How do I get the sensations? So this is an unlearning and relearning practice. I would represent. recommend you're concerned you're taking too long to be satisfied. Well, this is really, really common too. You know, I want to remind you as a woman, especially like we take between 20 and 40 minutes to have an orgasm. And since men can orgasm between like eight and 12 minutes or seven and nine minutes, depends who you ask, and which study you reach, there is a significant orgasm gap. So the more we can normalize that it's going to, it takes us some time. And the reason why so many, us fake orgasms, flock into our fantasies just to get over with this because we were never

given this information, given permission that it's the most normal thing in the world to take some time. And so I think just knowing that, Lori, I don't know if you're in a relationship or this is for your own, but also sharing this with your partner and letting me know, like, hey, I feel like I'm really locked in my head. And so, I don't know. I think he was really lucky if you said, poor man thought he was lost at sea last time. Do you mean because it was taking so long? I mean, I just feel like, what is so long? Like, don't we deserve to be pleased and to have pleasure?

That is so funny. So I think also it's normalizing the fact that most of our male partners were not taught this as well, unless they listen to my show. I know I've been lucky for 20 years. I've had a lot of, you know, half my audience always been men. They listen to the shows. They've learned a lot. Some of them have grown up with me.

but we're not really, we're still operating from this performance place. So Lori, for you, I would say the practice of getting, even with your partner, doing some side-by-side mutual masturbation or I would say with him would be really important or even on your own if you want to do it, practice masturbating with going back to, when your head goes to fantasy, going back to what am I feeling in the moment? What am I, what am I, okay, my partner's hands are on. moving slowly at my body, I'm hearing my breath. Like, I just like to circle through the senses. So what am I hearing, smelling, tasting? Even if you just do two of them, you're going to be

way more present than being locked in fantasy. And so every time you find yourself going back to the fantasy, go back to what am I experiencing in the moment? What feels good right now? What do I want more of? So it's really just going back to the moment. If you've had a mess meditation practice, you know that that's what it's all about is like every time you've a thought you go back to your breath or your sensation or your mantra and it takes it can take hundreds of times to do that during even a five-minute meditation and so can you imagine lorry if your whole life you lock into fantasy you have an orgasm zero things are wrong with that but you're asking me for a different way and so just like the neuropathways in your brain and your body are used to orgasming in that way i'm saying

This is a whole new practice of learning to come back to yourself and your body and your desires in the moment that you're having sex. So it's okay if you do it for half the time and the pleasure part and then you go lock into fantasy. This is going to take some unlearning and relearning. So you got the taboo pillow. Great. So Lori got the taboo pillow, which I believe is on our site, to help with his neck. I'll do the sensory check and practice this. great. Having laid back, you know, you can even give him a massage. He can give you a massage

and tell him that you're really practicing on exploring sensations. You too could even do a mindful masturbation practice lying side by side where you're both focusing on your breathing. You can even breathe together, inhale, exhale, regulate your breathing and then focus on, you know, get some delicious massage butter. We love common confidential. They're a brand partner we've been working with and I'm just obsessed with it because it's really like intentional, well-made massage butter and a beautiful jar that you guys could like massage each other first, get in the mood. Like I'm talking about setting the scene for all of this. Like it's hard to just say like, okay, now I'm going to start a mindful practice.

Like create an environment that has the right tools in it, the right lighting, the right playlist, the right massage oil that allows you both to say, okay, we are entering a sacred environment that's all about our pleasure. exploring our senses together. So maybe you're even doing eye contact and breathing in that way that'll also keep you out of your head. So, okay, Lori, try it. You think he's open to it. I love that. Let us know how it goes. And Reed says that's such a good point, Emily. We think it's our faults that we can't find that magic button. Exactly. I mean, I never take the side of men or women. We are all, we've all been taught inaccurate information. And we've all been taught that, you know,

men are taught, I got to find the spot, I got to give her an orgasm or it's not good sex, I got to be hard, I got to always want to have sex. There's a lot of pressure put on men, and so women are told, I should be able to orgasm, we should have orgasms at the same time, I should be wet, I should be ready to go. Like, there's just so much, so much misinformation that has not served as well as sexual being. So, yeah, it's really about unlearning and relearning from a body-based place and not learning from what our head tells us because our body doesn't lie but this practice of really paying attention to what sensations are happening your body and coming back to your breath and actual touch is the practice that's going to open up everything and expand your arousal

expand your orgasms expand your connections and your intimacy like that's what it's all about It's not just about an act or a performance or a position or an orgasm. It's about this practice, practicing together or on your own, both together, all of it. Every time you're on your own now, practice like, what am I feeling? What do I want more of? What do I like? So, yes, Lori, you're so welcome. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for joining us. I appreciate you so much. Okay. Any other questions from the community here? Okay. we've got, let's see, okay, we have one about, my fiance is fairly young and has been put into early menopause due to an estrogen-based breast cancer. She's now on her mission, but has to take meds for the next five years and receive shots. We're active in our sex lives, but it's difficult because of the rawness inside.

What other suggestions would you have to keep us active? All right, well, first, no, super common. you're not alone. There are a few things you can do. I'm guessing you don't want to take estrogen because vaginal estrogen has been proven to be very, very helpful for women in metapause or with hormonal changes.

But if she has estrogen-based cancer, I can see, even though they've shown that even women with cancer can take estrogen. There's another product that we work with, a company called V-Health. Maybe we can put that link in here. And they use growth factors, not hormones, to help rebuild the tissues

inside the vagina, and it's really groundbreaking. So I would recommend checking out something like V-Health. And I think if Ben knows we just did an ad, we might even have a coupon code if you want to get that. But there's a, I just find it. I wanted to partner with them because I'm always talking about hormones for women when they're having pain, especially during paramedopause or menopause. And I love that there's something that's non-homotally based.

There's also hylerotic acid tabs that you can put inside of you. to ease some of the discomfort, also non-hormonal, and they're little habits that you put inside of you that dissolve when you're sleeping and help. Like we put hylurotic acid on our face, but it also helps inside, too. Lube, obviously, non-negotiable. I definitely recommend a silicone or an oil-based lubricant that will help reduce the friction, because that is so important in this situation and explore outer course. Like, your sex life doesn't have to just be about penetrative sex. And so especially right now with her being in remission, her being in remission and being sensitive, this is when intimacy is so important and just like giving her massages, her giving

you massages, exploring all over her body, her breast sensitive, you know, the name of her neck, her inner elbows. There's just so many ways to feel aroused and turned on and great. our bodies that aren't just centered on penetration. So I recommend having an intimate connected practice together that is prioritized, maybe even over the kind of sex you were having before. You know, slow, intentional touch, toys, sensual exploration, really important. And then finally, a pelvic floor physical therapist might be really, really helpful for her or sexual medicine specialist to offer more support

because she doesn't have to silently suffer through any of this. It's really important to find, to really look at her challenge from all different angles. So anyone else have any other questions here? Anything you want to discuss before we go? Anything come up for you during this? Now I will head to do another question. Okay.

Okay. Here's one. I've been single for a while and want to date again, but I'm worried I've lost my sexual confidence. How can I rebuild it before I get physical with someone new? All right. So sexual confidence, what is that, what does that actually mean of sexual confidence? We usually think about it's like, I won't even know what to do or I, you know, I'm not even feeling great in my body. And all of it is a practice. Our confidence fluctuate, We want our lifetime. Sometimes confidence in general fluctuates our lifetime. Sometimes we're feeling really confident in one area and not confident in other areas. And so I feel like for sexual confidence, it's really important to think about, you know, first, I always suggest keeping your own pilot light lit. Meaning a lot of us think because we don't have a partner. we have to just wait until we have a partner until we get to until we experience like until we can actually feel like we are sexual again but when we continue to keep our own pilot

light lit we can we can keep our sexual energy flowing because sex remember is all about energy right sex is energy and so if we're just like feeling not very sexually competent but i would always encourage you even if you're single continue to masturbate continue to you need to do things in your life that make you feel pleasure and make you feel turned on, make you move your body, being in your feminine, dancing, moving, you know, just like even keeping sex top of mind. So, you know, confidence really comes from knowing what your, what lights you up and what your own turn-ons are. So the first thing is, yes, rebuild the relationship with your own body first. And then practice like having microconfidence, like in your daily life, you know,

Sexual confidence is just the little choice. It's not just, you know, sexual. It's like having confidence with, like, little things in our daily life where we feel competent. We feel attractive. We feel grounded. Wearing things that make you feel powerful. Wake you feel sexy.

Make you feel attractive. Moving your body. Like saying no to things you don't want. Yes, to things you do want. So practicing it in your daily life. And updating your sexual self-talk. So if your self-talk is saying, I'm rusty, you know, no one's going to want me i won't know what i'm doing like replace that flip that script with you know

you know um i know my body better than ever i am a you know i am confident and worthy of pleasure i can bring maturity and confidence and clarity you know emotional maturity confidence and clarity to situation and awareness i get to move at my own pace so like reframing the the self-talk that's telling us that we are not confident and we're not ready for sex and just remember to go slow when you start dating again. You don't have to rush into a relationship right away because it's been a while. I highly recommend, like, even if it starts to get sexual, you could say, I'd like to take this slow. I'd like to check it as we go. I'll tell you what feels good. So you don't have to jump into a, you know, just any sexual situation, especially if it's been a while. And, and, you know,

remember that, like, communication in these new situations can be your superpower. Like, you can say like I'm going to practice because usually if you just go out you've been single for a while and dating just start going on dates with people like low stakes people it doesn't have to be someone that you think is your person but just start practicing meeting new people even if you know maybe you're attracted to them maybe you're not but practice your communication practice saying that where you want to eat or what you want to do or where you want to go with someone because maybe in the past you've been more you've been more performative or you've been more saying yes to people you've been a pleaser, you know, practice being definitive and knowing what you want and asking for what you want,

even in these little moments with new people, right? So, so just practice connection, practice, you know, finding people that just to, you know, go, practice finding people that you drive with, doing the things that you love, you know, finding people that, you know, take up new, like, activities or join classes or go to movie nights or just do things that you, you know, maybe wouldn't normally do to just kind of meet more like-minded people so it'll feel more natural. And yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, is, is keeping your own, again, keeping your own pilot light lit. That's going to give you the confidence that you need in a daily practice. All right, guys, that's what we got time for today. Is there anything else that you guys want me to cover? Any questions? I'm so glad you liked it. I love being here with you all. And I so,

appreciate you all for joining us and trusting this community and just being here and being involved with us. It's really important and go have a conversation today with somebody about any of the things we talked about. You know, we continue to teach what we're learning and I know this helps me and I hope that will help you too. So sending you lots of love and happy holidays if I don't see you before and we're always here for you. Okay, everyone. Oops, it's gone. Okay, bye everyone. Have a night.