Sex With Emily - The Real Reasons You’re Not Satisfied in Bed

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

In this live episode of Sex With Emily, I answer your real questions about sex, desire, and relationships while breaking down some of the biggest myths we’ve been taught, from porn shaping unrealistic expectations to the truth about size, pleasure, and communication. I also dive into why so many people feel blocked or “not normal” in their sex lives, how fantasies actually form, what really leads to better sex (hint: it’s not performance), and how to talk to your partner about what you want without shame or shutdowns. My goal is to help you understand your body and your desires more clearly, release the judgment around them, and ultimately create more pleasure, confidence, and connection in your sex life. #SexWithEmily #EmilyMorse #LiveStream  Don't miss a video! Subscribe NOW:  https://www.youtube.com/@SexWithEmilyOfficial?sub_confirmation=1  ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.  CONNECT: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe  Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Learning to have sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching fast and the furious. Nothing that you desire sexually automatically means there's something wrong with you. You know, a lot of us are cop blocking ourselves. Let me remind you this. You're not going to get your partner into anything. A lot of times when we just make these direct requests to our partners, they're going to shut down. They're going to wonder why you're asking. They're going to think that they're bad lovers because they don't.

have enough information. Why do so many men like taking it up the back door? Because men have something called a prostate. The idea that everybody is huge is a complete fallacy. It is a myth that is fueled by fairy tale romances. Your penis size has zero to do with you being a good lover, of you finding a partner. Remember, sex with Emily on all platforms, social media. I hope you're all doing well. This is a judgment-free space, just so you know. Please don't make any comments. We're not shaming anyone. We're not blaming because the truth is a lot of us are walking around in our daily lives,

feeling attacked, judged, shamed, blamed, inferior, inadequate about our sex lives. We just are, we're already feeling that way. So the reason why I created sex with Emily 20 years ago is because I wanted a shame-free, judgment-free space. So if you're going to be that person in the comments, we're like, dude, this is not that place. Like go somewhere else, go, there's a million other places you can go. But we are a community and we are a safe space. So there's no bad questions. I've literally heard every question, every scenario, and I can help any of you wherever you're at in your sex life, your relationship, dating, all of it. It's all okay and it's all safe, right? So that's, that's

what I'm saying here. Okay, so there's already a few things coming in that are very on topic, which I love. And so yeah, I think we've already set the container. Again, this is a place for curiosity, not for shame, and let's get into the topic. Nothing that you desire sexually automatically means there's something wrong with you or you're broken. A lot of us have fantasies, and let me just point out the ones that have already come up in the first five minutes here. Somebody asked about, let me go back here for a minute, where does the fantasy of cuck holding come from? I love sharing my wife. How do I introduce my wife to backdoor, meaning anal sex? How do you let your sex life back up? So I'm just, I just want to say that those are some of the things we're

going to talk about. And last night I did a very similar deep dive on the same topic of how do we actually know what we want? Where do fantasies come from? How do you? How do we want? How do we? How do we know our desires? And once we know that, how do we communicate that to a partner? Okay. So that's why I start out by saying there's nothing to be shameful of. It's all okay. And so I just want to remind you all that like we, that it is could be sort of mysterious.

Like our, we learn to judge our desires often. We override it or we chase our, you know, we judge our fantasies. We judge whatever we want and think that we're wrong. But our desires are shaped by our lived experience. by, you know, having emotional safety, it's novelty. You know, that's why I'm not going to tell you all what you want. I'm going to help you understand why you want what you want. You know, there's a lot of wisdom in your sexual desires,

and there's a lot of shame and a lot of repercussions and not acting out and not fulfilling what you actually want sexually. Just so you all know that that's a real thing. So a lot of people expect our desires, our fantasies to be this logical thing, that it should totally make sense. But the things that we, okay, so should we take one of these here? Like, let's, you know, cuckolding, okay? Someone asked about cuckolding. It's also called hot wifery right now.

It has different names. So, how do I want to even start with that? I guess I will. I guess I'll start with cuckolding, because why not? It's actually really popular cuckolding, hot wifery. Maybe there's another, like, better way to say that or politically correct way to say. But basically cuckolding is a really common fantasy. And it's basically about having, typically it came about.

And again, I'd hate to make things so gendered. But when a man had a sexual fantasy about watching someone else have sex with his partner, right? So that's what it basically is, is that having the fantasy getting turned on by watching your partner have sex with somebody else. So where does it come from? Well, it can come from a lot of different places. Basically, we don't know exactly where all of our desires come from, but it could come from an earlier fantasy. Maybe you get really turned on and also maybe a little bit uncomfortable

by watching your partner of sex with someone else. But that desire, that uncomfortability often turns into arousal. Or maybe there was a porn you watched or a fantasy, you heard or maybe it was just something, listen, a lot of our desires and fantasies are usually linked up to some earlier time in our lives. We can trace a lot of these back to like even times where we were, maybe we were going through puberty, right? Like maybe you have a fantasy about people with red hair. And you might not even remember this moment, but maybe you had a teacher in school and you really like, adored this teacher, this teacher, not in a sexual way, but this teacher

was really nurturing to you or really like helpful to you. But, the same time, your hormones were sort of racing, maybe you were having some thoughts at the time, and it got linked in to your nervous system as a fantasy about redheads. Now, you love thinking about redheads or about cuckolding. Like something could have happened where you heard about this fantasy, you heard about this scenario about watching your partner have sex with somebody else, and then that became the turn on. So that's what we, I'd love to take any question you have about your desires or your fantasies. you know, sometimes like what turns us on doesn't often match what we think we should want.

But again, this can come from cultural expectations, your family messaging, gender roles, past relationships. And I think it's interesting to talk about where it came from, but it's more interesting talking about let's not judge ourselves for having fantasies or desires. Let's just figure out how to get our needs met. If you're just joining here, I'm Emily, Dr. Emily, and I'm answering all of your questions about sex, dating relationships, love, and you can text or you can text or you can call the number on the screen wherever you're watching because I want you to have the best sex of your life

and get out of your own way. You know, a lot of us are cock blocking ourselves. I'm going to be honest, you can talk all you want about people rejecting you and people making you feel bad, but a lot of us are getting in our own ways sexually. We are not asking for what we want. We're feeling bad about ourselves and we're isolating ourselves. We're actually keeping ourselves a lot smaller and away from our fantasies. So I just, I just want to point that out. So that's a little bit about fantasies. You have a few anal questions. The other day, I wasn't going to get into anal, but I will. So, and hello, someone from Michigan, you've in the UP of Michigan, the Upper Peninsula, listening to my show since 2019. I appreciate you so much. I love you all. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Okay. So should we talk about anal? Okay. You can talk about anal sex role in a minute, although usually I save that for August, because August is anal August, if you didn't know about that. And you probably didn't know about masturbation may. But anyway, I don't think we have to, you know, just stick by the holidays here. Okay, so someone just asks you about anal sex. How do I get my partner into it? Let me remind you this. You're not going to get your partner into anything. You're not going to talk them into something. You're not going to try to, like, let's have a threesome. Let me watch you have sex with somebody else. Let me just try anal on you. A lot of times when we just make these direct requests to our partners, they're going to shut down.

They're going to wonder why you're asking. They're going to think that they're bad lovers because they don't have enough information. So I got to give you the information required so you could make the right kind of request and have healthier communication with your partner. That's what it's We do have a call and I'll take it. Hello, thank you for calling. What's going on? Thank you. I'm curious, why do so many men like taking it up the back door?

Say that again, why do so many men like taking it up the back door? It's the best question ever. You don't want to know why is because men have something called a prostate in their anus. And when that is stimulated with a finger or a penis or a toy, it gives them an incredible release. release or an orgasm. And it's not, you know, I think a lot of men think that that's going to make you gay or there's something wrong with that or are any straight men.

But what's going to make you gay, I guess, is if you have sex with a man and you're a man. But even then we don't have to label you. But all I'm saying is if I was a man and I would have a prostate, the first thing I would do is figure out how to get over my shame of having something in my butt and I would experience this kind of pleasurable orgasm. Do you have any more questions or that's it? Thank you. Thanks for your call.

Have a great day. Thanks for coming. Thanks for calling. So yeah. So anal sex is for all genders and all people. It does feel different for someone who identifies as a woman or if they have a vulva than somebody who has a penis. But it's fair game for everybody.

Somebody just says if rimming was the same as anal rimming is typically what it sounds like and that is tracing the rim of the anus, we've got to get my anal puppet, which I do not have yet. If anybody has an anus puppet or an anal prosthetic something, I would love one of those. I've been like wanting that for a long time.

I have a vulva puppet and a penis, but I don't have the anus. But if the rim is riming, it's like licking or fingering around the rim of the anus. Now, the thing about anal sex is that it is covered in nerve endings, especially the opening. So before you go right into anal, like let's say someone just had to have,

to get my wife to do anal? Well, first you just get her to explore that area. Maybe she's never even tried anything there. She's never had a finger or mouth or toys or anything in there. So just to say, I just want an anal sex with you, which a lot of straight men do with their partners and the women are like, wait, what, how that feels dirty or wrong or shame? Remember, everything anal has a lot of shame and taboo around it, not just anal sex, just anal, just anal, like I thought that's just for exiting or I'm going to, you know, poop or that's where I exit from. I don't enter and get it, society. There's a lot of shaming around, a lot of policing and shaming around our sexuality.

That comes from the beginning of time. But if you're curious about having more pleasure in your life and that's why I think you're all here tonight, I'm going to guess that's why you're all hanging out with me for this hour is because you want to see how could I have more pleasure? The world is not intrinsically a pleasurable place right now, okay? There's a lot of stuff going on that makes life not that enjoyable. And maybe you're in a relationship where you're not like, you're like, yeah, my sex life isn't that enjoyable either?

Well, shouldn't sex be fun? Shouldn't we make sex better? Isn't that what we want? Somebody just said there's a vagina behind me. There is a vulva behind me. There's a vulva puppet there. There's a vulva puppet here. I have my little prosthetic penis.

If you have penis questions, this is the clitoris. This is the, oh, God, I haven't even told you guys about the clitoris in a while, that this is the whole back structure of the clitoris, that this isn't. only the, this is part of the clitoris, just this little bud here, but the clitoris has legs that extend beyond the vagina, the vulva, and it has 12,000 nerve endings, okay? So anyway, what we're talking about is a rodgist zone. It's just to finish up that anal conversation is that we all have nerve endings that can feel really great when stimulated. For women, we don't have a prostate in our anus, but sometimes it can feel really great

when we, the rules for anal sex, ready guys? Wash your hands if you're using your fingers. Trim your nails. Make sure that you've cleaned out your bowels. You don't need to get an enema. You don't need to do a whole thing unless that makes you feel better and cleaner. Feel free to do that. But it's not necessary. Okay. Then you want to go really, really slow. Like really slow. You want to use a lot of lube. I recommend silicone lube and start with a finger. Start with a pinky finger. Start with a finger. and just start to explore the external part of the anus, right? That whole area has a lot of nerve endings and it can feel great when stimulated. And then you just want to ease your way in and play with it.

This is specifically for the people who are asking about the straight man who called in and then the couple, really it's for everybody, honestly. That is my best tips for anal for everybody. I could go deeper, but we don't have to go so deeper. Someone else said, oh my God, someone used to listen to me on Sirius XM. I was on there for years. I'm so glad you found me. when do we get to have sex with Emily? Right now you're having sex with Emily. And thank you for

being here from Michigan. I am from Michigan, everybody. Welcome everybody for being here. Thank you all for watching right now. I so appreciate while for joining me. You can call in. You can check out the number on your screen. If you have a question about sex, dating, relationships, love, anything, call me or call me or text me to that number. Or just leave a comment here because I'm reading all your comments. And my mission is to help everybody have more pleasure and less shame around sex. Because you're all watching this right now, probably because there's something that you're trying to figure out in your life and you don't really know how to talk about it.

So thank you all. So hit like everybody here. Yes. Thank you for the roses. Thank you for the love. I'm glad you like my podcast. I've been doing my podcast for 21 years. I've not missed a week for 21 years.

I know. You can't believe it. there was podcasts in 2005. Mine was one of the first. I'm in the podcast Hall of Fame. I'm a doctor of human sexuality. And I've made it my mission to help everybody get out of their own way when it comes to sex.

So thank you all. So anal is the best. I wish women more felt comfortable. I wish more women felt comfortable talking about sex. I wish that more men felt comfortable talking about sex too. So I love that you found me too, you guys, 21 years. Yeah, it's been a lot. It's been a lot.

So yeah, and you guys can check out all my podcasts. I've got thousands of them wherever you listen to podcasts. So, but this show, I'm doing this twice a week is going to become the podcast. Okay, so you're asking me, what are the best, oh, it's so hard. What are the best? Yeah, silicone loop is great. I love UberLube. I love Pure.

I have a store on my website. If you go to sex with Emily.com, it's shop sex with Emily. and on that store, you're going to find all my favorite toys. It's a good dream of mine to have a store because I've got to be honest with you. For 20 years, I've been getting about 20 pounds of sex toys delivered to my office. And I've tried them all. I know about all of them. I know the best ones.

And they're all on my website. So, but I could do a live when I'm prepared to show you my favorite toys. If you guys are down with that, I will come next week and I will have some my favorite ones so I can actually show them to you. I would love to do that next week. So someone says they want to talk to me privately about questions. You could DM me. You could email me feedback at sex withemly.com.

Honestly, the best thing is sex withemly.com for everything. So, yeah. Oh, someone says what about sex props or furniture? Sex props or furniture are also great. Oh, my God, you guys, I'm just going to talk about that. But I love just like a pillow. I've got a great pillow on my website called From A company called Taboo.

You guys are loving this pillow because it's like this really like well made cozy like sex pillow, but you could also just leave it on your bed and it sort of molds to your body. And what I mean is like sometimes it really helps in certain sex positions to be elevated or have a pillow under your back or under your butt and or to elevate your stomach so you can have different angles. So I really love a pillow. You could also just use a pillow on your bed. Like, I'm not going to try to, like, I'm not always going to push that you got to go out and buy anything, but there are certain things that are just made for sex that are great.

Of course, there's like blindfolds and all those things, too, for sex props. There's a lot of them. You know, leading up to Valentine's Day, I'm going to do some more shows on, like, toys and products. To be honest, I am the expert in that. I probably know more about sex toys and props than anybody. And I personally am more interested in helping you, I don't know, learn how to, like, not have shame and talk about it to your partner that you actually want to use a toy, but it's all important. So I will come prepared for that next week, okay? So then you said, okay, so then someone

said, well, doesn't that just pleasure the man, the cock ring? The cock ring, actually, the penis ring is actually, if you're a heterosexual couple, man and a woman, it actually pleasures the woman because it vibrates. So it had that little vibrating nub at the top of the cockering and it stimulates the clitoris while you're on top of the penis, it's hitting your clitoris. So just to kind of go full loop on there. Yeah, wedge pillows. I was talking about wedge pillows. So that's how you do it.

Okay. So what are the sex props or first? We got answered that. What are the reasons sex would be painful? Why don't we talk about that for a second? No. But do you know that 80% of women have pain? during sex and at some point in their life, not every time.

Some women have pain every single time. And guess what? They're not telling you. They're not telling you that they're in pain. They're just like, I don't want to have sex tonight. They're faking it. They want it to be over. Because we have a lot of, we could have it because we have vaginismis or vulvadinaia.

We might have clenching or tensing. We might have grown, we might have a pattern of clenching our pelvic floor when we get anxious, we get worried, and we didn't realize it. So every time something comes inside of us, oh, look what was just delivered, some cock rings. So every time something goes inside of us, we have pain. So that's one reason. And there are things you can do about that. You could see a pelvic for physical therapist. You could get a dilator. You could, it could also be hormones. I know different times of months, some women have more pain than others when they're having penetrative sex. So there's a lot of reasons that you can have pain during sex.

And I just want to say this. If you are having pain during sex, men can have pain too. You don't have to live that way. That is not your lot in life. It doesn't mean that for the rest of your life, you are someone who has pain. I've worked with hundreds of thousands of people who have overcome pain so they could have pleasurable sex. And listen, I'm talking about physical pain, but I'm talking about physical pain. but I'm going to go out of limb here and say that most of you all watching right now

have had some kind of pain around sex. And I mean emotional pain, rejection, stress, avoiding sex because you don't know if it feels good. You don't know if you're doing the right thing. You don't know why you can't get aroused or turn on. You're worried that you're fantasizing while you're having sex. You're worried that you're not as turned on as you should be. You're worried that you can only orgasm a certain way or you can't orgasm at all. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a whole bunch of pain to me.

That sounds like a whole lot of suffering around an act that was supposed to be pleasurable, that was supposed to make us feel good. It's not just about procreation and making babies, which is what a lot of people want us to believe, which is why we don't want to teach sex in schools and we have so much shame around sex. That's why. It's because society has told us that don't talk about sex, we should only make babies. And then we start to internalize the sex is shameful,

and painful and blah, blah, blah. But not tonight, not at Sex with Emily. Thank you, everyone, for joining if you are just joining me. Tonight, we are talking about how to have more pleasure, how to know exactly what we want sexually, and how to ask for it, how to not just override our turn-ons, how to not pretend we're not sexual beings, how to learn to ask for what we want, how to feel less shame and more pleasure. So, thanks for joining.

You can call the number on the screen, or you can send me a message. You can text me. You can call me. Okay. Okay. Cock rings. Here we go. Oh, this is the great one. Okay. Let's use. Oh, I know what I'm going to use here. I'm not doing anything toward here. I'm just trying to help you all feel better in your bodies and have less shame. That's my mission. So pretend this is a penis. Okay. It's actually a wand-style vibrator. So this is a cock ring. Okay, I'm trying to think of which way it goes. So you have a penis and someone sitting on top of you. Okay. I just have to do some math here. A little bit of like, what's it called? Not math. spatial. So if this is a penis and this, this is a cock ring and it vibrates, there's a whole fucking runway here of vibration. So if you are, now listen, this could, so if you're, let's say, a woman, this is typically a heterosexual couples, but to be honest, gay couples could use this lesbian, anyone could use this vibration. This vibrates. So if I'm on top of this, I'm gliding. I'm, no, I'm going this way. Sorry. Okay. I'm entering you, right? I'm, I'm, I'm a vagina. I'm a I know. I'm a vulva. Oh, wait, I have one right here. So we're going like this, right? And you're going inside of me, but I am also feeling the vibration from this toy right here, right? So this vibration is hitting my clitoris and it's making me very happy. So that's what a cock ring is. Now, there's other, does that all make sense to y'all? There's also cock rings that don't vibrate, that just help with blood flow. So if you're someone also who, if you've a penis and you want more blood flow or you want to

harder, longer. You could just use one of those. I could talk about text stories of Cochranes all day, but we're not going to do that right now. Unless that keeps coming. Oh, endometriosis is another reason why people have pain. I'm a little bit, yeah, pain. There's a lot of reasons why we can have pain during sex. But just remember that you don't have to have pain. Yeah, someone else said, why do people have pain? Lack of foreplay. Endometriosis, lack of connection. So someone said sex furniture thoughts on Liberator.

I love the Liberator. They're OG of the chaise. Yeah, listen, they make a chair. A few companies make a chair. It's like a sex chair. It's a chair that you, it's, but it's sex furniture. So if you got a big enough house, you can have a bed in the couch and a piece of sex furniture, yes. And it has like handcuffs on it.

It has all these different devices. So you're like, this is the place that I'm going to go for sex. It's ergonomically created so you can try different positions. I think it's really cool. I've tried it before. I think they're great. Someone said, thanks for helping me a few years ago. I'm here for you.

I love you. I hope you're doing well. Okay. So not enough foreplay is a problem. I'm so glad I'm inspiring you. Okay. So someone said, what percentage of women never have an orgasm

or don't know what an orgasm is exactly? What percentage of women have never had an orgasm or don't know what an orgasm is? This is a fabulous question. If you're just joining me, thank you for joining me. hear you guys. You can call the number. You can, you can DM, you can text me. Okay, what percentage of women have never had an orgasm? Okay, I don't, I couldn't tell you, but let me tell you this good news.

If you are a woman, if you have a vulva, vagina and you've never had an orgasm, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Very few women are inorgasmic, meaning they just can't have an orgasm. They're pre-orgasmic, as I like to call it. They just have it. They just have it. had an orgasm yet. It is not intuitive. It is not easy for all women to have an orgasm. In fact, it's really hard sometimes for men to understand that because they're like, I had an orgasm, no problem. Having an orgasm is not a problem for men. Typically, I hate to speak in absolutes, but for the majority of men I've met in the last two decades, most of them are not having a problem having an orgasm. Women, on the other hand, there are so many things. Think about it. Our

genitalia is pretty much internally is where it's happening. Yes, we have our vulva, but, but like there is some magic happening on the outside, but there's some magic happening on the inside, too. And someone mentioned foreplay in here. Foreplay is not just like a light suggestion, nice to have, wish I had more foreplay. No, no, no. It's actually a requirement. We require foreplay to warm us up. So let me explain this to you. I have a few people here that are from Michigan or maybe who live in cold weather. We have a few Canadians. I grew up in Michigan.

And the way I think about it is this way. There were times where there was blizzarding out and it was freezing cold and I was like in a hurry and I had to get to school, I had to get to high school. But I couldn't drive my car until I did a few things. I had to make sure that it warmed up the car, right? And I had to sit in my car and wait for the ice belt and I had to get out the scraper

and I'd scrape the windshield, right? That's when I think about warming it up. It's like I literally could not drive So think about your partner with a vagina the same way. She's not going to naturally be aroused and turned on and ready to go every single time. She requires a little warm-up and where that warm-up comes is like a little bit of like slow. I mean, again, it's different for everybody, but like warm-up, don't go straight for inside.

Don't start pounding away like a jackhammer right away. Because only 20% of women are going to have an orgasm from anything at all to do with your penis, no matter how wonderful your penis is, it's going to come from a finger or mouth or toys, and it's especially going to come from warming it up. It could be kissing our entire body, moving slow, playing with our inner thighs, you know, like stroking the vulva, the click, going slow. Like literally her inner thighs moving slowly over her body with your hands, not rushing right in because I know that penetration feels so great to get inside there. But for most of the Most women, they have to be warmed up.

You have to take your time. You are not going to be a great lover if you just pet. And she doesn't know to tell you that not to go right inside of her and have sex with her right away with your penis because she might feel that something is wrong with her. Because all, when we say sex, when I say sex to you right now, what do you think about? What do you think when I say sex? You're probably thinking penis goes into vagina. That's sex.

And that is kind of how our society define sex. But that is not what is going to feel the best, what's going to give the most pleasure for the majority of women. So if they're not having pleasure from penetration, they feel shame about it, they feel bad, they're not having an orgasm, but they think they're broken. My career started 21 years ago because I was a very similar woman. I thought that something was wrong with me

because every time a penis wouldn't inside me, I would not have an orgasm, and I felt that I was broken and something was wrong with me. And so I had to learn and do research and study and go back to school and all the things and find out that that's actually the most common thing in the world. So I just want to tell you all this. Someone just said they used their tongue for the first 30 minutes. You're my hero. Great.

That's a great thing to do. So thank you everybody for just joining me. I appreciate you all. You're all just so many of you are joining me. My name's Emily. Sex with Emily. Call that number or send me a text. And I'm going to answer your questions right now.

If you're missing part of this, you can listen to this as a podcast. My podcast is Sex with Emily. It is the oldest podcast on sex on the planet. But now I'm just coming to you live because I'm obsessed with talking to you all live. All right. Someone just said penis pump recommendations, and I know I wasn't going to do any more toys, but I happen to have one right here, but I can't reach it. It's called BathMate.

And a BathMate is a hydro pump. It uses water, and I recommend BathMate. So you can also go to my website if you want to learn more about that. That's an easy question. So, yeah, someone else said 60 to 70% do not have it during intercourse. Thank you for clarifying that, that 20% of women will have an orgasm during intercourse. And of those women, it is not every single time. They're not going to have an orgasm every time.

80% of women will not have an orgasm during penetration. 80%. Okay. Well, they doesn't feel good and they don't like it, but if you're just having penetrative sex with your partner, I guarantee you that you are not having the most pleasurable sex for both of you. Okay? And again, she probably doesn't even have the words for this because what I am talking about right now is not common knowledge. If you're joining me now, most people don't know what I am telling you.

That's why I needed to take this live. I've been doing a podcast for two decades and I thought, why do I need to sit and pre-recorded and edit it? I want to go, I want to be fast and furious. Like, I want to go live with you so we can spread this message a lot faster, a lot more efficiently, and a lot more effectively. So you'll know this. Like, now you'll, like, go to dinner and I'd be like, hey, guess what? Do you know that only like 20%, like 80% of women aren't having pleasure from sex? Oh, I better figure out what my partner actually wants.

And again, half my audience has always been men. I don't just talk about women. I can talk about men, too, all day long and what your challenges are. You just might not know, okay? So let's see. Someone says it takes oral and some foreplay to warm up more and you can engage her zones. Tell her that she is wonderful. That mic is great answer. Mike on Facebook just said all that. Listen, tell your partner that she is wonderful. She is beautiful. You love how she tastes. You love how she smells. You love how beautiful she is. She looks, you know, that you have all the time in the world.

You're not going anywhere. You have all night. Like those are the kind of things. things that would be so encouraging to your wife, your girlfriend, your partner, your lover. That is going to go everywhere. And thank you. Good looking dog. This is William. William is really cute. He's just like my nephew, but he's been visiting me for a while.

So someone else says a dog is embarrassed. I don't think so. Okay. So, yeah, I love it. Going live. Yeah, Dr. Ruth, 26. I love it. Thank you for listening to the podcast for years.

I appreciate you all. so much. Podcasts is still there. If you haven't listened to Sex with Emily, it's a lot like this. I have thousands of episodes. Go subscribe. You will love it. It's been a top podcast for two decades. So find all those podcasts, wherever you listen to podcasts. Okay, so what else to be got here? I love you all. Thank you for the hearts. Thank you for saying hi to the pups. And then someone asked about penis size. I can go there. Hey, Emily, what's the average penis size? I'm a grower. not a shower, but I can't help but compare myself to others who are packing heavy, especially because the woman I was seeing was really into those fairy romance books

where the characters are like footlongers. How would a guy compare? That is a great, great fucking question. I love this question. I'm going to get this right here. So let me just, I want to say that the side, I'm just like actually, because I haven't been asked this question a while. I want to say it's like 5.8 inches, but not erect.

But let me just see if I have that. Okay, buck that, ready? This is what it is. Average, when you're flaccid, you're not erect, 3.5 inches. GERTH, 3.7 inches. When erect, the length, 5.1 to 5.5 inches, okay? I used to do this on my show. I'd say it's like the length of your iPhone erect, okay?

But I don't remember this. That was like five years ago, and the iPhones have changed. So that's why I had to look it up because it doesn't work with my iPhone anymore. but most the idea that everybody is huge is a complete fallacy it is a myth that is fueled by fairy tale romances by by by those books by porn locker room anxiety sexual satisfaction has so much more to do with arousal communication confidence attentiveness that the thing about me answering the question about your penis was not to actually okay you guys got the numbers now but that is the least important and the least interesting thing, I can tell you, because you can all Google that.

Your penis size has zero to do with you being a good lover, of you finding a partner. And I find, and I'm telling you, my podcast has been listened to a billion times. I've talked to millions of people, I guess billions of people, but lots of billions of times. But I've also talked to tens of thousands of people like you. I've used to get emails before there were DMs, right? I can't tell you that I have, I can count on one hand. how many women are like, I broke up with them because of his penis. Facts.

Okay? Facts. Way more women are like, he wouldn't go down on me. He wasn't curious about my pleasure. He didn't know what I liked. He was an asshole. He was a narcissist. He pounded away at meagal the jackhammer.

Did I already say that? He wasn't interested in talking about sex. He wasn't interested in my body. Nothing to do with size there. And so when you find your brain going to, am I big enough? Am I ever going to be loved? I can tell you has nothing to do with you.

you being a great lover. So what you think is average, like what you think most penises are like, like they're big and they're massive is like actually not true. And another fun fact is that all of these years, I've heard from more men whose penises are actually too big. They're the ones that seek me out. And they can't actually have sex with a woman because it's too painful for them. But that is the biggest penis problems I found. So maybe this is the big light ball for you that if you are worrying about your penis size, I would start focusing on how to be a better lover,

how to be a better listener, how to be more compassionate, how to be more evolved, how to improve yourself, how to be a good person, how to give back to your community. So that's what I would focus on. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so let's see what else, you guys. Thank you for all your comments here, and thank you for staying and,

and hanging out. Oh, my God, there's so many. Thank you for the roses and the love. Okay, so I answer every question. So, yeah. Someone says, great podcast. Is there a preference you have on pubic hair, shave, wax, laser, natural bush partner for yourself?

I have no preference. I'm going to be honest. It's a personal preference. I mean, you all get to decide if you want pubic care or not. So I think this is another area where I started out the show saying we're all going to learn how to figure out, what we want and what our desires are and not have society tell us that if you don't want have pubic hair, you feel better without pubic hair, then shave it. If you want a little landing strip,

keep a landing strip. So I really don't think that you, that you have to follow any rules. For some people, it just feels better to have less hair. Some people really like having more hair. So I think it's just a personal preference. I'm not any, I am not the sex police. I am not the pants. I'm not the pubic care police. You get to all decide what you want to do. So it really is up to you. Someone says, do you have a preference on massage oils? Oh, that's lickable. You probably said likable. But I think this common confidential massage water is made out of, it's really, really good. It's like cocoa butter and it tastes good. It actually feels really good on your body. It's really sensual. William wants to eat it. You can't eat this. Maybe he could eat it,

to be honest. I can tell you flavored lube that taste really good. Joe lube is great. We have Samant. That was loud. Joe lube is wonderful. We have some on our website, shop with Emily. They have like creme brulee and chocolate and apple. And they're actually lube that taste really good. William is looking at my hands. Did you like that? See, it's totally healthy.

It's like an organic, healthy massage oil. So yeah. All right. Someone said, all right, what else do we got here? We talked about anal sex. And yeah, what else do you guys want to talk about here? Give me something good. Give me something new here.

I could go back to my... Let me talk to you about this. So I was going to, where I started today was talking about how we actually know what our turn-ons are. So here's a question that comes in a lot. What turns my partner on? Isn't exactly what turns me on? Thank you everybody for joining me, though. If you're just joining me, I'm Emily.

This is sex with Emily. You can ask me your questions. You can text. You can call. What turns my partner on? Am I supposed to do? Oh, wait, that's the wrong question. What turns me on doesn't match.

what I think I should want. How do I reconcile that? Okay? So this means this is some judgment that we have around our sex life. We think that there's a gap. Like, I don't think I should want, I'm trying to think of what,

I shouldn't want oral sex all the time, but it really turns me on because oral sex is shameful or anal sex is shameful. But usually there's a gap, and that comes from cultural expectations, what we think is society, is what society thinks is right, what we maybe we just heard. Like, listen, you guys, I am coming to you live here a few times a week

because most of the information that you are receiving about sex is completely false. It's misleading. It's not telling you the truth. If you grew up watching porn and you think that's how you should be having sex, and I don't knock porn, not going anywhere. Probably one of the oldest forms of media. Like there's cave dwellings of people like looking at like their cave, like, dwellings of hyloglyphic, hieroglyphic, how do you say that word?

You don't talk about in caves of like people having sex? So porn isn't going anywhere. What I'm saying, if you're watching porn and you're like, this is how I do it, not a great way to learn. So I'm here to help you understand that cultural expectations, pornography, they're in, they're telling you what you want when really our desires and our fantasies are unique to us. We get to decide what's my turn on?

What's hot for me? What do I want for my partner? Right? So usually it's like a gender role. Like, I'm a man. I shouldn't want anal sex. Or I'm a woman. I shouldn't want this.

Or our past relationships. Maybe a partner shamed us or judged us or told us something that isn't true. So like we have these desires. We have these ideas in our head of what is right or wrong. What's normal? What's acceptable? But none of that should come into play when it comes to your sex life. Desire doesn't form your desire, your turnoff.

your fantasies, don't form base at any set of rules. What rules? Like who, is there like a sex rule Bible? Like somewhere? Like what rules? Okay? If you're, again, basic in a porn or something someone told you, that's not a rule.

It's like deciding the food you like to eat, or the movies you like, or the music you like, or the games you like to play, the video games you watch, like the content you watch. You decide genuinely, I like that. This food turns me on. This TikTok account turns me on. I love this page.

I love this game. No one told you, maybe someone suggested it. But you felt that inside of you what you liked. Sex is exactly the same. But the problem is we often don't know that we have agency, that we can actually decide on our own what we like. Like you, I'm not going to tell you what to like. I'm not going to tell you.

I am the lad. I am here to help you figure it out. Like I'm giving you permission to take off, like, Let go of everything you ever thought was true about sex and say, today is the first day of the rest of your sex life where you're going to decide what you actually like without shaming and without blaming yourself, okay? That's what today is all about. So, yeah, yeah, a lot of porn pornography has blindsided me of what I want sexually.

Exactly. A lot of pornography is like, oh, I think I should want a gangbang. Or I think I should want a bigger penis. or I think I should be sporting or I think I should have 16 orgasms. You know, it's like, of course, but of course. Like, don't feel, I'm not here to make you feel bad about learning from porn. I'm not, like, please, if you walk away here, if anybody leaves here feeling worse than I haven't done my job, I'm just noticing that a lot of you learn that way.

And what I'm saying is, that's cool that you, like, watch porn, but don't use it as a guidebook. Like, you know, learning to have sex. by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching fast and the furious. Right? Like, that's all I'm saying. So, yeah. So this is what we got. So my question is, all right, thank you all.

I don't know which one's better. So you guys are asking, like, what's better for her, strong and faster or slow? She probably likes a mix of it. But I would say a little bit slow at first and then maybe stronger later. But let me tell you this. Ask her. Have a conversation with your partner about what they're in. to and if they don't know, which they might not know,

because most of us don't ever slow down and think about it, if they don't know, then you get to just kind of, let's figure it out together. Let's get curious, do you like it slow? Wait, do you like it slow or do you like it faster? Like, just in the moment, you get to decide and decide that you're going to be honest, because sometimes we don't know.

Now listen, a lot of us have sex, like I know that for me early on in my sexual life, it was much more performative, meaning I was having sex. having sex for my partner, basically. I was like, whatever he wanted and whatever he wanted to do, I would do. Because I was like, well, that's clearly what feels good to him. And I didn't never thought. I just thought I was broken because I'm like, I should be loving all this. This is the sex I've seen in porn. So I had to really take time to learn. So I think that you all should do

this as well. I'm so glad you guys are all. Someone said, what about timing, tone, and turf? Thank you, my listeners who've been listening for a long time, my three T's to have any conversation about sex. It is like, oh, it is my favorite guide ever. Go to sex withelms.com. Look for my guides. It's a free guide. Go get it now.

Three T's to have any conversation about sex. It will change your life. Go download that guide right now. Okay? Right. Do that. You're so welcome for all of this information. Thank you all for doing this and for hanging out with me.

And if you're joining, you can call, you can DM. You can do all the things with the number on the screen. Someone said they're asking the questions. I don't know. I'm seeing you all. Okay. Someone said, I am 46-year-old female with primary and orgasmia. I use toys.

I get close, but then it feels too intense. I have to stop. I don't feel released, though. Red Smart Sex, Becoming Clitterate. Any tips? My book is Smart Sex, if anyone wants to check it out. Come in Clitter. There's so many great books.

about sex. So I'm guessing you've never had an orgasm. Are you on any medications? If you're on an antidepressant, if you've been on the birth control pill, for a lot of women, that could be one reason. I call it sexual intelligence or sex IQ. So if you go through it, one of the pillars is health. So if you can't have an orgasm, listen, if 10 women all told me they couldn't have an orgasm, there would be 10 different reasons why. There might be overlap, but I can just throw out some of the reasons. It could be trauma. Maybe something has happened in your life, and it's really hard to let go. Because having an orgasm is about safety and release. And if we don't feel safe in our bodies and our bodies have never been a safe place, it's going to be really hard to let go and have an

orgasm. It could be that we don't understand our bodies. We shame our bodies. It could be we don't really know how to communicate, but for this particular question, I would say maybe start to use your fingers and not toys and use your breath. Start to breathe. Have, there's something I call mindful masturbation where you masturbate without the goal of orgasm, the goal is exploration, where you actually are exploring your entire body and you're trying to, you're looking for different areas that feel good. And then you are noticing that our bodies are covering, you're covering, in nerve endings and there's not just like one spot. So if you're just focusing on your clitoris, right,

and you're like using the vibrator here will really maybe your internal labia, your external labia, there could be a lot of different areas that would feel, would allow you to have arousal. So no SSRI, no pill. Okay, Jen, we're having this conversation. I mean, Jen, I'm just like, have you been in therapy? Is there something that's happened to you

Have you had trauma of any kind? Even if it's not sexual trauma, you might have some like association with any kind of touch that is sexual or in your, and that could be part of it too. Yeah. And Jen, if you want to call in next time, I'm happy to talk it through with you.

It might be easier, you guys. Listen, if you call in, you don't have to say your real name. I just like to know your age and where you're calling from because it helps me give you advice, but you don't even, all I really need to. your age. So, because it just helps with some things, but anyway, you could change your voice,

too. I don't care. It just helps. Someone says, do I have a list of dirty talk words saying sentences? I've got a podcast all about dirty talks. So if you just go check out podcasts, I've got one all about that. All right, guys, that is what I got time for. Let me finish this thing about. One more thing here is that I want to go back to your turn-ons when your turn-on doesn't match what you want. I want to close that loop. There is nothing. with you for having any of these desires or these fantasies or these turn-ons. Our desires are just more information so we can understand ourselves. So just treat it as like data, not a verdict about who you are. Get curious. Get curious about your sex life, not critical. That's a huge

trity point. A lot of us are like criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves. We're never going to get better at sex that way. Okay. So better, you know, we're never going to be more evolved lovers if we are spending a point, spending time in negativity and judgment and worry, okay? All right, everybody, I appreciate all of you. You're the best. Thank you for coming. Thank you for joining me. Sacked with Emily. You can find me here. I'm definitely going to be here on Tuesday at 5 o'clock, Thursdays, 5 o'clock Pacific. Check out my podcast. Check out my membership SmartSX. Check out my store. And send me your questions. Anytime, all the time, I'm here for you, and I will see you next time. Thank you all for joining me.

You know...