Sex With Emily - The Science Behind Sexual Attraction

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

Imagine: You've got that special someone who makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The trust is there, the connection is solid. But sometimes the fire just fizzles out when it comes to sex. I get it. When the routine starts feeling a bit too...routine, it's time to switch things up and rediscover what really gets your engine revving (and sometimes, it’s not your partner!). On today’s throwback we're diving deep into the world of sexual attraction - what it is, how it's different from romantic love, and most importantly, how to use that knowledge to keep the spark alive in your relationship. Because at the end of the day, switching it up never hurt anybody.  In this episode you’ll learn: Why sexual attraction can feel so distinctly different than long-term love What to do when you and your partner are both submissive When you should hang onto your friend with benefits – and when to let them go Show Notes: Join me for a Sexual Wellness Weekend in Canyon Ranch! Sex and Psychology SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) This episode is brought to you by: Promescent (Visit the link for 15% off) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Did you know we tend to be attracted to people who look like us? One study showed that heterosexual men and women rate the attractiveness of several faces. And one was a picture of their own face that had been digitally morphed into the other sex. And participants found that this morphed face to be more attractive than all the other faces. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So you've got a partner you love, someone you feel super attracted to and totally safe in their presence, but also a little bored. What do you do when things feel too safe? And how can you better understand your personal turn on switches to make the romance more adventurous?

Today's show is all about exploring the breakdown between sex and romance. You can totally want to have sex with someone and might not feel so romantic towards them, or you might have romance and feel lovey-dovey but not necessarily want to have sex with them. So by the end of today's episode, you'll better understand how and why you get aroused so you can make any partnership more erotic and know which ones you just might never make erotic and that's okay too.

Plus I take your questions. What to do when you're straight but kind of want to hook up in a non-straight way. What to do when you and your partner are both submissive and both crave dominance. How to bring back the spark. And when you should hang on to a friend with quality benefits and when to let them go. Please rate and review Sex with Emily

wherever you listen to this show. You can do it right now. It takes two seconds. It helps get the show out to more people. Thank you. I appreciate when you do that. You can also find me on all social media, Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, TikTok, all the places.

It's at Sex with Emily. And check out my new articles, Seven Embarrassing Sex Questions, Masturbation Edition, and Seven Solo Sex Positions are up on SexwithEmily.com. One more thing before we get into the episode. I'm so excited to announce I'm doing something for the first time and I hope you'll join me. I am hosting an intimate women's retreat at Canyon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in

Tucson, Arizona. And we're going to spend four days and three nights together where I can answer your questions, have intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure, sexuality, sexual intelligence. We're gonna have a special retail pop-up experience having all my favorite product recommendations and I really hope you'll join me. I'm gonna put a link in the show notes. You can also find more at sexwithemily.com slash live. Can't wait to see you. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Imagine a toy so iconic it practically wrote the playbook for pleasure. Allow me to introduce or reintroduce you to the Magic Wand, aka the Cadillac of Vibrators. The Magic Wand original is a trusted companion in the journey of joy.

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sex with Emily for 20% off. Okay let's talk about sexual attraction. What exactly is it? And how important is it in a relationship? I think we can all agree we need to have some sexual attraction in the beginning, but it doesn't always last. And what to do when you have it with some people, but you don't have it with others. I could talk about this stuff all day long.

And I think it's important because we've all been very, very confused for a long time about sexual attraction and relationships, but here's some fun facts and things to keep in mind about sexual attraction. Number one, sexual attraction is fluid and mysterious. So no matter how you identify your sexuality, straight, LGBTQ, fluid, figuring it out, you can feel purely sexual towards some people. Even if you know you're not looking for a relationship with them,

this connection might be stimulating to you and there's just simply something about their vibe, their energy or their appearance that just piques your curiosity. It turns you on. Now here's an example. Say you're a cisgender heterosexual woman, meaning cisgender, meaning it was a gender you were assigned to at birth and you are attracted to men. You've always dated men and you enjoy having sex with them. And you wanna keep having sex with men. You wanna build a life with a man. Maybe you wanna have children with a man. But you also find yourself sexually fantasizing

about women. You actually think you wanna hook up with a woman. And it's confusing because you don't identify as a lesbian, you don't identify as LGBTQ and maybe you doubt yourself. You're like, what is wrong with me? Does it mean I have to just not ever be with a penis again? Cause I only want to be with volvos. What the heck's going on?

I want you to know this is totally normal because sexual desire attraction, it's mysterious and it sometimes shows a side of ourselves that we want to explore. It's our more adventurous side. It's our exploratory side. Remember this, sex is play. Remember we used to play more? God, we don't play enough. As kids, we could imagine anything. I remember when I was a kid, I used to play all the time with my Barbie dolls, which is kind of ironic. And I would sit and I would make them outfits. I would make them fall in love. And sometimes Barbie would be dating Ken and sometimes Barbie would be dating G.I. Joe and sometimes Barbie would be dating the other Barbies. And it was so fun just to play.

I would also play games outside with my neighbors and we'd explore and it would just be fun play. But right now we have to remember to play. But that's another thing. Remember that sex is play too. And sex comes from our eroticism and our imagination. And what it reveals to us is what we're curious about. So you think of sex as just play like, huh, I'm curious about hooking up with another gender or a different kind of person than I'm normally attracted to. And that's fun. That opens up your whole world.

You just think, I want to explore a little bit. Sex is all about exploring and playing. That's what I want to reiterate here and we don't play enough as adults. So time to play and your sex life is a great place to start. Taking all the pressure that you put on yourself to put yourself in this box. Think of it as an adventure.

Number two, understand that your desire habits are a mix of a few things. That's because sexual attraction is just a small component of a much larger dynamic between you and another person. So have you ever met someone incredibly hot and you thought about having sex with them? Maybe you had sex with them, but you know in your gut, this is not someone you're gonna bring home to your family.

This person, not relationship material. Then you know what I'm talking about here. Just because you wanna have sex with someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to fall in love with them or that you ever want your parents to meet them. Number three, romantic attraction is often a sign of affection. So have you ever had the experience

of being with someone who's wonderful, someone you adore? You love doing all the lovey-dovey things with them. You can spend all your time with them. You want to take them home to your parents. You love doing all the lovey-dovey things with them. You can spend all your time with them. You want to take them home to your parents. You love watching shows. You love going to IKEA and going furniture shopping. You just want to cuddle all day long. But you've never ever felt that sexual spark.

Well, then you know what it's like to feel a romantic attraction or even love without the sexual component. It's a sign that you feel safe and relaxed and secure. All the qualities we need to be affectionate and deepen our emotional connection with someone. Some more quick facts about attraction that I just thought will help you as you're listening to this episode.

These are from social psychologist, author, and Kinsey Institute research fellow, Justin Lehmiller. Did you know we tend to be attracted to people who look like us? One study showed that heterosexual men and women rate the attractiveness of several faces. And one was a picture of their own face that had been digitally morphed into the other sex.

So it would be like my face morphed to look like a man. And participants found that this morphed face to be more attractive than all the other faces. Okay, another fun fact. Not only would you attract the people that look like us, we also seem to be attracted to people who remind us of our parents. Yep, you might be reminded of someone

who looks just like your mother or your father. Ooh, I like this one. If you're already physiologically aroused, like you just exercised, maybe just came from yoga class, you went for a run, and you meet someone new, you're more likely to develop an attraction to that person, whoever it is, walking by your path,

getting all your adrenaline going because you just went on a run. Why? Because you mistakenly attribute the source of your elevated heartbeat, your heartbeat's racing, to that stranger instead of the true source of your elevated heartbeat, your heartbeat's racing, to that stranger instead of the true source of your arousal, which is your heart racing because you just worked out. So next time you fall in love with someone that you see at the grocery store

after your boot camp, pay attention. Beer goggles, that's really a thing. This should come as no surprise. The drunker people get the higher attractiveness ratings they give to strangers and alcohol also changes how attractive we perceive ourselves. This is why we want to limit our drinks. Attraction is a multi-sensory process. Who we're attracted to depends not just on how the other person looks, but also on how they smell, how their mouth tastes, and so on. So the senses also play a role in attraction. I always find this fascinating.

The things that heterosexual women find attractive in men vary across their menstrual cycle. So when we're at our peak fertility in our cycle, we're attracted to like manlier men, like muscular guys with really deep voices, but other times a month, not so much. So when you think it's love at first sight or this is my partner, at least wait till you've gone through a few menstrual cycles to see if this is really your match.

Your birth control pills will also affect attraction and arousal. Your birth control is actually going to impact who you're attracted to. So before you get married and have kids with someone, I would say get off the pill after consulting with your doctor and see is this really my person. And finally, our patterns of sexual attraction change seasonally. So for example, heterosexual men report greater attraction to women's bodies and their breasts

in the winter months than they do in the summer months. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but maybe it's because skin is more of a novelty in the winter when everyone's bundled up and you haven't seen breasts all year long. So you get excited about that, but in the winter they're much more coveted. Find out more at sexandpsychology.com and it will also be in the show notes.

All right, everyone, let's get into your questions. This is from Mara, 23 in Chicago. Hi, Dr. Emily, I love your show. It's changed my life. I'm a newer listener, so I apologize if this has already been asked, but I'm struggling to figure out my sexuality. I've always identified as a straight woman,

but I've also always been attracted to women. I'm just not sure in what way. I've been physically and emotionally attracted to women and the idea of sleeping with one turns me on. I've only been with women sexually in a situation with other men, but I've never gone all the way with one. I don't know if I'm bisexual or just think women are hot. How do I figure this out? Thanks.

All right, Mara, well, thank you so much for your email here. You know, you've done the hard work here and you've done the Thanks. All right, Mara. Well, thank you so much for your for your email here You know, you've done the hard work here and you've done the brave work of figuring out your attraction who you're attracted to you That's great. So people wouldn't even know it or they would repress it So here's what we don't need to do next throw a label on you If you find women attractive, I say try it out. Find a woman to date. Get interested in. See what happens. I think this whole like am I bisexual? Am I gay? What does it mean? Am I full on lesbian? It doesn't matter. You don't need to know right now. What I love is that

you're 23 years old and you're on a path and you're exploring and you're figuring out. Do I like women? Do I like men? Do I like men? Do I want both? Cause guess what? You get to have it all. All we need to get you to do is feel confident in it and to get out there and start exploring. Thanks for your email, Mara.

This is from Sarah, 28 in Vermont. Hey, Dr. Emily, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been on six dates now. He always seems excited to see me. He plans dates for us. He calls them dates. He texts me regularly and generally seems to have a good time when we hang out.

However, we barely make physical contact. He gives me a one-armed hug at the end of every date. One of the dates was at his apartment to watch a movie and I initiated couch cuddling. He was very responsive and seemed comfortable with it. I also was the one to lean in to kiss him. He also genuinely seemed into kissing. However, that night there was no kiss goodbye.

Later this week, we went for a dog walking date and again, no physical contact except for the one arm hug at the end. Not the one arm hug. I don't know if he isn't kissing me because he doesn't like me, he isn't big into kissing, or if he's shy. My feelings are getting hurt when he doesn't make a move on me because to me it's a huge sign he doesn't like me. If he likes me, he would kiss me,

right? How could I show him or tell him that physical contact is important to me? What things can I ask him or say to him that will help me understand how he perceives physical contact? It's especially difficult for me to navigate this conversation considering we've only been seeing each other for two months and I don't want to scare him off by having a serious conversation or a what we are talk. Thanks Sarah. Alright Sarah, two months in and you're still getting the arm hug and that does not feel good to anybody. Not even me listening to this.

I'm like, I want you to have your needs met. I really, really do. And it's not so much if he's done physical contact and all these things. I think it's straightforward conversation you have with him. You can have it next time you see him and just say, hey, really been enjoying our time together these last few months.

It's been great. I really have an attraction to you, but I'm not totally getting a sense of where you're at. How do you fill out this relationship? What kind of thing are you looking for? And then you let him talk. Because I don't think there's anything wrong two months in to say like, you're like,

you gotta wanna have the talk for like two months. That's a lot of time you're investing. I mean, what if you were interviewing for a job and you had all these job interviews? And you're like, did gotta wanna have the talk, but like two months, that's a lot of time you're investing. I mean, what if you were interviewing for a job and you had all these job interviews, and you're like, did I get the job? Then you gotta not get the job. And I don't wanna see that you're waiting for him to decide if you're the one.

It's more like, are we gonna work together or we're not working together? What is happening here? Let's define our roles and let's figure it out. So I try to normalize this. You deserve to know where you're at. You're putting precious time with this guy and I'm not hearing like, hey but I'm also cool just being friends with him. I mean maybe you are

and maybe the conversation will go in that direction. Maybe he'll say, you know what, I'm just really looking for a friend right now. I'm not looking for anything romantic. Or he might say, yeah you know I really liked kissing with you that night but I'm shy. You're going to get all your answers from having this conversation with him. Now if he says, I don't know, I'm not sure. What do you think? What are you talking about? Like, I just think you're going to learn a lot once he answers this query. And I don't think you're being needy or you're doing anything wrong here other than saying, I got a life to live. I'm looking for romance. I'm looking for connection. And I love physical contact. It's really important to me. In fact, physical touch, you know, I need that in a relationship or it's a deal breaker. Like,

can we just, again, everyone just let's say these things early on because you're with him for two months. I hear people together for two years, 20 years, and they're having these same challenges. Like, why isn't my partner touch me? So let's figure it out two months in if you're on the same page. And let me just say this. I want to also normalize one more thing here. Physical touch is an important part of relationships for many. If it's your love language, it's one of the primary ways that you experience connection and love. I think you got to figure that out early on, because I'm telling you,

if you had a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable with touch, they're not comfortable with hugging. They don't want to hold hands. They don't want to cuddle on the couch, you should know that early on. Maybe you can decide then, well this person's so great and I don't need it, but I've ended a relationship on the basis of that alone. When someone's like, I really like you, I'm into you, but touch makes me uncomfortable. It's not my job to fix them and say, are you sure? Have you tried touch? I really think you're gonna like it. No, life's too short. There are plenty people out there who want to touch and make you feel sexy and

want to initiate and do all the things that you want to do. I promise you'll find that person, but all I'm asking you to do right now, Sarah, is to have a conversation with him that's very open and curious and listen and if you're not on the same page, well you can part ways and maybe be friends and long live the one-arm hug. But have this conversation, Sarah, sooner than later, okay? Thanks for your email. This is from Olivia, 24 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, before meeting my now husband, I was not really one for commitment and enjoyed spontaneous sex instead. I love that wild and free feeling. When he and I first met, our physical chemistry

was intense and electric. It was one of the things that drew me the most toward him. Unfortunately, I learned fast that his intensity also carried over into many other areas of his life causing problems. He decided to take action on his mental health a few years ago and started to get medication to make his moods more stable. Fast forward, five years later, our sex life is non-existent and basically has been ever since he got on meds. He's rarely in the mood, never pursues me, and only prioritizes his pleasure when we have sex because I take too long."

That's a quote. I've told him what gets me off, suggested bringing toys into the bedroom, etc. but he still doesn't ever take the initiative to make me feel wanted sexually. If I want to get off, I usually have to do it on my own with the toy. Another problem for us sexually is that we both enjoy being submissive in the bedroom and want the other person to make the first move. All of these sexual disagreements have caused me to doubt things, feeling like I'm missing something in my marriage.

I tend to even fantasize about us in our early days and don't even think about other people from before I knew him. My questions would be, how do I deal with having a partner who does not align with me sexually anymore? How do I become more dominant in the bedroom when it makes me feel super uncomfortable in that role? So Olivia, there's a lot to impact here. You've been with your husband for five years, so since you were 19 years old. This is a lot that's

happening. You guys are still in those stages of kind of figuring out who you are sexually together. It just sounds like you guys really need to unpack a lot of these things. And I do think that having healthy conversations about your sex life outside the bedroom is gonna be the place to start. You guys are in a great position to find a wonderful therapist. It doesn't have to be a sex therapist. It could be a marriage or family therapist but all the things that you're telling me here, there are a lot of layers to it. It's not just about the sex. It's about him understanding your needs, about him having some, being on medication and taking his mental health seriously, which is amazing.

But where does that leave you in his journey? Maybe he's changed a lot in the last few years. And I want to know what kind of work have you done in yourself? Have you learned about what you need? How compatible are you guys right now? And I just want to remember that the medication thing is that a lot of people get on medication, particularly antidepressants,

and is no friend to our sex drive. So unfortunate, right? Here we are, we're not feeling great, we're not happy, and then we take meds and we feel great, and then we don't want to have sex. You're like, but sex was one of those things that made me feel good. It's not fun.

However, what he can do is he can talk to his doctor. He can let him know that he's having these side effects and see what you could do. Only talk to a doctor about this, but sometimes they can lower the dose or they can add something else in. That's part of it. But it also sounds like you guys are just sort of,

he thinks you take too long and that's hurtful, but he might need to understand your process of arousal. What gets you to feel good, how you experience the most pleasure. So you're asking me how to deal with a partner who doesn't align with me sexually anymore. You're really not gonna figure this out on your own without a therapist that's gonna help you

untangle a lot of these things. Because I'm gonna guess here that if he also says to you, you take too long and he says things that are dismissive, it's probably seeping over to other areas of your relationship. There are probably other ways in your communication where it's not just in the bedroom, it's in other parts of the relationship. And they answer your other question, how do you become more dominant? Learning to become anything in the bedroom, learning to initiate, learning to be more dominant, more submissive is a practice. And it comes with

a conversation with him and say, when you would like me to be more dominant and better, what does that look like to you? And you got to think about that as well. You said that you were both submissive. What does it look like to you, Olivia? What does a partner being more dominant look like to you, both of you?

For you, it might be, I just want someone to initiate. You might want a blindfold. You might want to spanking. You might want to be tied up. I mean, I don't know what you want. What does he want? We don't know. So how you become more dominant in the bedroom

is finding out what it means to your partner and looking at what it means to you. And then you get to figure it out together. Remember, this can be fun. These sex conversations about how do we actually work strategically together so we both get our needs met, don't have to be some stodgy, boring conversation.

This is like, wow, we're really gonna put the time in to become great lovers to each other? Like, how fun is that? Once we get past the shame and the worry that it's weird and awkward and sex should always be great without having to talk about it, then we get into the good stuff. Those are a lot of different ways you go about it,

but I'm sensing from your email alone, you're not talking, but I'm sensing that there's a lot of different ways you go about it, but I'm sensing from your email alone, you're not talking, but I'm sensing that there's a lot more going on here beneath the surface. And it would be wonderful for you both to get a therapist sooner than later, once a week, commit for a year, or even three months to start, once a week to really help you guys

get on the same page again, so you can figure out where this relationship is going. And if you can both learn to align sexually and otherwise. Thank you for your email, Livia. We'll be right back after a short break from our sponsors, but first I gotta tell you about Permessent. Permessent makes the best delay spray on the market. I've been talking about them for over 10 years.

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partners go to promessant.com slash Emily to save 15% off your order. That's p-r-o-m-e-s-c-e-n-t dot com slash Emily or just click the link in the show notes or 15% off. We have Ryan 42. Hey Dr. Emily, I've listened to your podcast and it helped me, but I've come to a point in my marriage that I don't know what to do. To give you some background, I'm 42 years old, my wife is 38. We've been married for 19 years and have two wonderful boys. Our oldest started college last fall and our youngest is a sophomore in high school.

Over the past year or two, I've been feeling as if my wife doesn't want me. To me, she shows no affection or intimacy. I've tried discussing this with her and it just ends in a fight. And her telling me I only want sex, and me feeling bad, retreating, and bottling up my feelings. I'm at the point where I'm ready to give up.

She says she doesn't know how to initiate, so we've discussed different ways. I've even brought toys to maybe help her enjoy sex, and maybe even initiate using toys. I don't know what to do. Please help. Ryan, you guys have been together for a long time and congratulations on two wonderful boys

and staying together in this time. I'm gonna guess here that in the past, because you've been together so long, that there was more feelings of affection, there was more intimacy, your sex life was more satisfying. And now it isn't. And this is very common, you know,

if you've listened to this show, you know that this is really, really common for couples to have their sex life waning over time. And you know, the ages you're at, your son going off to college, I mean, that's a big change for parents. Okay, so what it sounds to me though here is that you're doing a lot of the work, Ryan.

You're buying toys, you're discussing your sex life. You're also the one feeling rejected. And I'm wondering what she wants and what makes her feel good. Because it doesn't feel good to anybody when our partner says, you know what, 19 years, I'm out. I've had enough sex and let's just co-exist in the home together.

I mean, because then your roommates, and that's not what you signed up for. I'm sure that wasn't your agreement. Your partner can't just change the rules of the game, especially when it comes to sex. Unless both of you decide that we don't need sex anymore and you wanna live together and live your life, that's fine.

You know, there's no sex police. I'm not gonna come knocking on door and saying, I heard you had sex, but this isn't okay with you. And you're not feeling loved, you're not feeling appreciated, you're not feeling appreciated, you're not feeling valued, and that really hurts. And I'm sorry you have to go through this right now. And again, I'm only getting your version of the story.

I haven't talked to your wife, but I feel like couples therapy, if you guys haven't tried it yet, would be so wonderful for both of you, because it's really common for couples to be together as long as you both been together and you're sort of in the same place, having the same conversations over and over and over again.

Now, maybe you're saying, oh, we tried it, it didn't work. But let me tell you this, trying it does not mean we went three times to a therapist and we didn't like her or him. It means we committed, even though it was painful and it was hard to get there, but we had it as a non-negotiable meeting on our calendar once a week when we committed to three months.

We even paid upfront, because we knew we'd both bail on it. It was the most important thing on our schedule. I mean, think about the time that you spend, you know, with your son dropping them off at games and picking them up in school. He's no longer there. So tell me you have no time.

Doesn't really work for me. And also you can do therapy on Zoom now. And I believe that every couple is gonna benefit from therapy, and the sooner that you get into therapy, the better. I think it's never too soon but in your case right now I feel like it's urgent. What you've said to me is that you feel like your wife doesn't want you and you're ready to give up. So I hear danger here. I hear emergency. I hear 911 call therapy. Like if your car

broke down right now on the side of the road and you were like calling me or calling friends chatting, go by the way, my car is up. No, you'd call a tow truck. You'd call someone to come help you. And this is in relationships. I'm telling you, the only thing you can do is go into therapy. You're essentially getting a mediator to help you. You're not getting admitted to a mental institution, which I think people, I don't know why you're all so afraid of therapy.

Is that what you think? You think they're going to be like, oh God, you're crazy. No, they literally are helping you have conversations that are so difficult for you to have on your own, which by the way, welcome to being human. It's difficult for all of us to have these conversations, which is why I think we all need therapy. So again, I'm sorry, going through all this, Ryan, I really want you to find some help. And if your wife says she's not interested in therapy, she's not interested in sex, and she doesn't want to initiate and all these things,

well, then you have a lot of information there. Then you have some more things to make your decision. You can base your decision on some more information. But I really hope that's not the case. I hope she understands how important it is to work on your relationship together. And let me just say this, going to a therapist is also the best way to fast track wherever you're going.

Maybe it is time to give up, Ryan. I don't know, but on your own, trying to have the same conversations and buying the toys and trying to figure out what to do and it's not gonna happen. I'm telling you right now for 19 years, you're not gonna be able to move the needle. Like you will be able to move it if you find a therapist to help you through it.

Okay, Ryan, let me know how it goes. I'm here for you. I got you. Okay, this is from Clarissa25 in Portugal. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm Clarissa25 from Portugal and I just recently discovered your podcast and I'm in love with it. I've been in a relationship for five years now,

married for three and my wife is 34. In the beginning, sex was great and we couldn't get enough of each other. But now for the past years, it's been really difficult for us to get it on. Her sex drive used to be really high in the beginning, but after some time, she changed jobs and it was really consuming her energy,

which led her to have a low sexual appetite. We've tried having a threesome and it helped, but I feel like sometimes we just don't love each other the same way we used to. We've changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship and there's rarely any flirting or seducing each other the same way we used to. We've changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship and there's rarely any flirting or seducing each other anymore. Any ideas on how we could rekindle that spark?

Thank you. All right Clarissa, five years together. So since you were 20, you've been with your partner. And I'd like to normalize that it is common for couples to change a lot in time that they're together and for the sex life to just sort of not flourish like it did at the beginning, two very common things. It could be stress, it could be the jobs,

it could be changing, but it's gonna happen a lot. It's gonna continue to happen in your relationship. So I'm wondering if you both have a growth mindset around sex and if you're both willing to do what it takes to make this sexual relationship work. Because you already see what happens when you don't have it and you don't talk about it. And you sound like you're the one

who's really trying to fix it here, who's trying to come up with solutions. Rekindling the spark is a process that works best with both of you are on board and both of you would like to rekindle it. So I'm gonna guess that she, I'm gonna hope that she would like to do that as well. It really starts with a conversation outside the bedroom,

not when one of you is frustrated again, because you know, didn't respond to the sexual advances and didn't take initiative. It really comes from saying, I really wanna talk to you about something. And I feel like our sex life isn't what I would really love to find ways that we could both work on becoming incredible lovers to each other.

A lot of couples listen to this show together because it makes it a lot easier for them to kind of have these kind of conversations. It's not easy and I get that and I'm hearing you it's not easy to have these conversations but you know if you do both have a growth mindset around sex is she willing to listen to podcasts together, read together, have conversations about what your turn-ons are, what are the best times of day to have sex, write down the three most memorable times you had sex and swap those lists. Like find out some information about what is this, what the spark looks like for both of you.

Do you understand your arousal patterns, how you both get turned on? What turns you on? Is it when your partner initiates? Is it dirty talk? What turns you on? Is it when your partner initiates? Is it dirty talk? Is it using toys? Is it orgasm? Is it watching porn together? Is it dressing up? Is it when you're on vacation? Have you guys had a vacation in a while? Have you been stuck in your house? And then we're on top of each other and that's really hard too. So there's a lot of things happening where you know we need, sometimes you need separation. So I mean that separation is not

bringing up but you need to like get out of the home or you need time apart. Maybe you've been on top of each other and you haven't been. Even time to miss each other, even time to desire each other. But I always try to give you all the next step because you're not sitting here with me and I'm not meeting you, we're not talking.

But my next step for you would say, to get on the same page with your wife and say, I really miss our intimacy. And it's so important to me that we continue to be sexual. And I'd love to find some ways, find some solutions we could both work on it to make sure that our sex life is stronger than ever. Would you be down?

And see what she says, right? Listen, remember when we have these conversations, it is very important to listen and to come up with a curious light tone and to definitely do it inside the bedroom. And then I can help you from there. You can even send me another email and let me know what happened after that and I can help you. We have so many great resources on our site, sexwithemily.com. We've done a lot of great podcasts about just this thing, rekindling the spark, going from

stale to sexy. So check out those shows as well and thank you so much Clarissa for your email. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up on SexWithEmily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.