Sex With Emily - The Secret to Better Sex: Trust

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

In order to feel turned on, we first have to feel safe. And that’s the funny thing about trust: once it’s broken, it has a way of quietly shutting us down, so that our relationships aren’t as deep, our curiosity is blocked, and even our self-sex takes a hit. But there IS hope: trust can be healed. Neuroplasticity is a beautiful thing, and if we compassionately work on ourselves (possibly with a partner), we feel worlds better - more secure, and definitely more sexy.So on today’s Ask Emily show, I take some of my favorite calls on trust, and how to repair it. What happens if your spouse cheated on you, to the point where sex feels sorta gross now? Or how about if you were the cheater, and your sex life just isn’t the same? (Two words: couples therapy.) How about this one: you’re in a partnership, and things are basically fine - but the spark has completely worn off, and you don’t know how to talk about it? Or, what if you tell a new partner you love them, they don’t reciprocate, and THEN the sex takes a nosedive? In both cases, I’ve got answers. Finally, when you’re “too picky” of a dater, is it really because they’re all duds? Or, are there some underlying trust issues there, that are keeping your sexuality safe, cool, and totally dormant? The bottom line is this: when we feel free, we feel sexy. And on today’s episode, we’re helping you radically reclaim your erotic freedom.Show Notes:Ian Kerner’s book - So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex. Our Yes No Maybe List Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Most conversations about sex could be uncomfortable first. They might be hard. Your partner might get upset. But you know what the alternative is? The alternative is never talking about sex, not getting your needs met, and suffering through a potentially pleasurless life. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure

and liberate the conversation around sex. Alright, in order to feel turned on, we first have to feel safe. And that's the funny thing about trust. Once it's broken, it has a way of quietly shutting us down so that our relationships aren't as deep. Our curiosity is blocked, and even our self-sex takes a hit. But there is hope. Trust can be healed. Neuroplasticity is a beautiful thing, and if we compassionately work on ourselves,

possibly with a partner, we feel worlds better, more secure, and definitely more sexy. So in today's Ask Emily Show, I take some of my favorite calls on trust and how to repair it. Like what happens if your spouse cheated on you to the point where sex feels sort of gross now? Or how about if you were the cheater and your sex life just isn't the same? Two words, couples therapy.

How about this one? You're in a partnership and things are basically fine, but the spark has completely worn off and you don't know how to talk about it. Or what if you tell a partner that you love them, but they don't reciprocate, and then the sex takes a nose dive? Well, in both cases, I've got answers.

Finally, when you're too picky of a data, is it really because they're all duds or are there some underlying trust issues there that are keeping your sexuality safe, cool, and totally dormant? Bottom line is this, when we feel free, we feel sexy. And on today's episode, we're helping you radically reclaim your erotic freedom.

Intentions with Emily. Alright, each episode joined me in setting an intention for the show. It really works. Just think about it. What I want to get out of this episode. My intention is to shed some light on the importance of trust in your relationships, not only for hotter, safer sex, but how to heal it when it's been compromised. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

And my new article, The Top Sex Miss, you need to stop believing is up on sexwithemily.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. Want to ask me a question? Call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Ebily. Oh, also check out our gift guide. We have an excellent gift guide for all of your shopping needs this holiday season and you can find that on all of our social media or at our website sexwithemily.com. Okay, this is from Alberto, 27 in Los Angeles.

Hey, Dr. Emily, longtime listener, first time reaching out personally. My girlfriend and I have been together for six and a half years. I cheated on her three years back, told her, but we decided to stay together. Lately there's been times where her resentment and pain surface and she gets vocal about it. She says she's trying to move past it but doesn't see herself being able to forgive me in the long run. She's trying to find ways to heal from it on her own, to the point where she's even suggested

an open relationship. The idea of it has crossed my mind, but I don't feel like it's the find ways to heal from it at her own, to the point where she's even suggested open relationship. The idea of it has crossed my mind, but I don't feel like it's the right step to heal. She says she wants to try and open relationship and see if it'll help her get past it, but I feel like we drift apart and break up. Any advice on my situation would be appreciated.

Thank you for everything. All right, Alberto, so you've been together six and a half years since you were 21 years old. That's a long time to be with somebody in your 20s and it sounds like right now a Therapist would be really helpful for you both to understand The cheating or understand where the trust was broken when the trust is broken in a relationship Whether through infidelity or if someone's lying about money or anything else It's not something that time heals or saying I'm sorry a hundred times is gonna heal

Something literally gets broken inside of us too and we just think I can't trust this person what's coming next We start to look at our lives and our relationship in a different light I really know that if you guys go to therapist together and really get clear on it They'll help you find the language to dig even deeper into the cheating. Like why it happened and how it made her feel and you have to be brutally honest with each other. And so I think this is the only way you're going to be able to know if you can move forward together or not. I don't know why she's suggesting an open relationship. I would never recommend an open relationship for couples who are trying to heal a relationship. I recommend open relationships for couples who are in really solid ground.

Their sex life is incredible. They practice radical honesty and then they decide because they both genuinely want to experience other people and want their partners to also feel pleasure to open up. But in your case, this is not the time, it's not the place to do it. Six and a half years together is a long time. You might as well figure out if you guys have what it takes to go even further, if that's what you're looking for.

If you're looking to get married and have kids, I'd love you to find that out sooner than later. And I think it's important for you guys to do that now. All right, thanks Alberto for your question. Okay, this is from Nicole, 40 in Ohio. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love the show and I need some guidance. I'm 40 divorced and begin dating again about a year ago. I've been with my current boyfriend also in his 40s in divorce about five

months and recently decided to tell him I was in love with him. His response was kind but clear he did not share those feelings. He wasn't scared off and continues to want to see me and build our relationship. I appreciate his honesty and understand that people can develop feelings on different timelines, but here's the struggle. Now that I know he doesn't love me yet, I'm not enjoying sex, which was previously great. It now feels exceptionally vulnerable. I enjoy casual sex, but the best sex for me, i.e. when I'm able to orgasm, is with partners that I share a real heart connection. How do I navigate the space between desiring authentically intimate sex and knowing my partner isn't on the same emotional page even though he cares for me?

Thank you. All right, Nicole, thank you for your very clear and articulate question. And in reading this, I feel for you because that would be really confusing to get this message from a partner. You know, we put our heart out there, we say, I love you. And I actually like that he had the honesty

to be clear with you about where he's at. And he could say, I'm not there. He doesn't love you. You put yet in question mark. He doesn't love you yet. So what I'm wondering is, after that conversation, were you able to talk more about your relationship, maybe about how it is going, what's going right, things you might want to work on? Do you have the sense that you're both going in the same direction towards a long-term relationship? Are you committed right now in this relationship?

Have you talked to him to find out if you share the same values, if you want the same things in a partner? What I'm thinking is having deeper conversations with him that are more expansive about what you are both looking for in a relationship might help you feel safe. Because what I'm hearing from you is that you don't feel that safe,

and I understand that. Now that you're not sure, you thought it was like, hey, I love him, he's gonna love me. Finding other ways you can feel safe in this relationship and letting him know how you feel. Because honestly, there's nothing like getting to know somebody by sharing your deepest vulnerability and letting him know that you understand you don't want to feel bad at all. But you need to speak your truth.

And that is when you told him that you loved him, you respect his honesty. It's really hard for you to feel as close to him. Now, it's a word love that tripped you up. He didn't share the word love with you. And prior to that, you were having orgasms with him and you were feeling great. So in a way, it's your interpretation here

of what that meant, him not meeting you where you were at. So saying to him, it's made me feel less safe and I just have to be honest with you, I'm not really sure what to do. And then you can let him talk. He might need some more reassuring, he might say, well, I'm always there, or love is really hard for me,

or I never say love you, my parents never said, I love you to me. I mean, you might get some more information here that would make you understand where he's coming from and maybe where he's going in the future. Okay? So, just remember, honest conversations, Nicole, you got this. Thanks for your email.

We have Jordan, 41 in Vegas. Hey, Jordan, how can I help you? I've been with my fiance for almost two and a half years now. The first year, I guess the honeymoon phase, you would say, everything was going great. Obviously, awesome enough to where I would propose and everything. And then I feel like things faded a little bit. We lived in different states for a little while,

and then we moved into the same city. And she ended up moving in with me. And I would say dull out at first, but I have dealt with some about depression throughout most of my life, just things with my childhood growing up and everything like that. And things I've been going to therapy for and stuff. Sometimes I feel like that takes effect on me and it has affected her in the past, but over time it's dulled out into our sexual relationship to where there's really not much there like no spark there anymore and she kind of doesn't initiate anymore. She doesn't reciprocate in really almost any way now at this point to where we've talked about it. I've asked what can I do. Is there

I even brought up one of the things I heard on your podcast about I'll pick a night for me and then the next night for you and work on things that you want to do and what makes you happy and stuff like that and then do a night for myself. And she tossed that like, okay, but you know, nothing's too exciting and then we talked about it to where she says she feels pressured by it. I feel like she doesn't really want me to do anything right now and And not really sure what to do. Is she going through anything right now? She's a student actually getting her PhD, so she's constantly in school and constantly busy and stressing a lot. She does go through stuff and she's gone through stuff in the past,

but at the current moment, I didn't feel like she was. How old is she? She's 30. She's 30. Okay. Is she on any medication? Do you know? No, no, not not even the birth control pill or. No, she actually had a really bad case at the endometriosis where she had to get multiple surgeries for it. And I know that played into it. But this is before we got together, but that played into a past relationship where she had some, she was just a bad relationship. I don't even, it was probably toxic, but that played into a past relationship where she had some, she was just a bad relationship. I don't even, it was probably toxic, but I think she has some issues going into this relationship

with the mindset, like I might act like the last person did. Okay. So some fear around that just kind of has a guard, has a, has a wall up a little bit. And you've been together, you said, how long? Two years? About two and a half years now. Two and a half years and you live together. And so, how was the sex at the beginning?

It was great. It was great. Okay. It was exciting. It was like spontaneous. I mean, there was times when we just randomly do it in other area. You know, I mean, it was just, it was there. Yeah, it's not honeymoon phase.

I mean, that's how it is. I mean, that's why I'm asking because sometimes people like, well, it was never that great in the beginning and then we have a problem. But if it was great at the beginning, that's good news. And so you're saying that when you talk to her about it, like she just says, I'm not interested. Leave me alone. You're pressuring me. Is does she ever offer anything to the conversation?

Yeah. She doesn't, I mean, the conversation starts. I feel like at first she sounds like she's interested. She wants to hear it and she wants to know what to do. But when it comes down to, like I tried to talk to her about it in a setting that's not the bedroom, like you've mentioned that before. Great.

But when it comes down to time to maybe try and initiate I will, and then I can just tell. It's just it's not there. Like it's not whatever I'm doing, it's not working. We did a great podcast with Ian Kerner. He's a sex therapist. And we talked about his book. It's called, so tell me about the last time you had sex.

And when he talks about his concept of sex scripts, where every couple has their script, and it's always like thinking about, you know, I talk about a rousal and desire, and knowing what actually does turn her on? When is she most in the mood? Maybe it's not when she's studying, but maybe it's Saturday mornings.

Maybe it's early in the morning, but you get up later, so you guys gotta compromise and figure out when. You know, it's not okay for her to say I'm never interested, but it's also part of our responsibilities as humans and being in a relationship with somebody is to be sexual. It's a, in a way that feels good, we don't like, oh, it's our partner.

I don't believe like, I'm just gonna close my eyes and take it for the team. I don't mean that, but I mean, like, we should all find out what, what feels good to us and when we are in the mood and, and how to enhance our libido and enhance our ability to connect and be sexual. So what I want to hear from her is when does she want sex? What does turn around? Maybe she needs a bath. Maybe she needs to masturbate. Maybe she needs to be alone for a while and then come home to it, maybe she needs compliments, maybe she needs you to clean the house more.

I mean, I don't know what these things are, sometimes it's we have resentments and we can't talk about it to our partners so that the resentment is going away. There's a lot of different reasons why people have a low libido or people's sex drive change. But I can tell you, what you're describing though is the honeymoon phase, like that's less anywhere from six months to two years. It's biological and every relationship. So that is gonna change. But right now, where are you at now?

And where else can you guys break down some barriers here and get some more honest answers from each other about what's really going on? Or not, I don't think that she's lying. I think she probably doesn't know. So, Anna sounds like she's not telling you, but she might not know. Okay, I think that makes sense.

I mean, I do. And I think the hard part for me is just coming out and asking certain questions. You know, I feel like sometimes if I'm gonna ask that question, she's just gonna take it like a pressure. So I'm always afraid to ask the tough questions like that. Well, I think it's about your tone. So you know outside the bedroom,

but it's also being curious and being light and asking questions and saying, so tell me more about that. So I just wanna know, I don't want you to feel pressured. I know when I've noticed that when I bring up sex, you feel pressured and that's the last thing I want. I do not want you to feel pressured. It's really important to me.

I want you to know that I understand and I wanna hear it, I wanna work with you. It's just being sexual is an important part of our relationship, but I just wanna make sure that I'm not pushing you. So let's find out when it does feel good. You I'm curious. Do you have fantasies? What's your what turned you on? What are the three most memorable times you've ever had sex and let's like write those down and share lists? Do you guys ever talk about that?

Like turn on or fantasies? We have. Yeah, we've especially like during that honeymoon phase. We we have a lot of fun conversations about that. And I think that's great. I think that's definitely something I need to continue. Okay. Also, we have this yes, no, maybe list that people love our yes, no, maybe list. Okay. That might be, you might be like a little few conversations away from that. She's not even feeling like in the mood, but that's a really fun thing to do. It just has 80 sex acts and you decide, is it yes, is it a no, is it a maybe like dirty talk or, you know, spanking. Because the more we talk about sex, the more comfortable it becomes. As long as you'll get that you, you're not trying to judge her, you're not trying

to force her into it, you could even say, I'm okay, if we don't have sex for a while, if you got to figure this out, I just want to make sure that we are compatible and that you have a growth mindset around sex like I do. Like we want to make sure that she's willing to like look at her sex life and what is important to her. Yeah. I mean, you're not married yet. So I want to say like make sure she's like, no, I want to know too why I'm not in the mood or who knows, but ask her and just reinforce that you're there because you care.

I appreciate that. I do. I think that's actually pretty because you care. I appreciate that. I do. I think that's actually pretty helpful to hear because it's hard to just run, just wondering, like, do I keep asking? Because I don't want to put her out of the mood. That's the last thing I want to do too. What I've realized is that typically when we bring up a sex conversation to our partner, or to anybody,

immediately they're going to go into fight or flight, meaning it's scary because most people have never talked about sex. I'm telling you, most people have not. And maybe she's never had a partner, even brought it up. So she automatically feels fear. Like she's in the fight. I got a fight.

I got a run. What do I do? That's so scary. So usually we do say like, you're pressuring me. I don't want that. Are you a sex fee? So we will get very antagonistic and defensive. So that's when you have to practice your most calm, like, I, here you, babe, I know if

this is too much for right now, I got it. I just want you to know it's important. And this is the conversation I want to continue to have. I love you. I support you, but just keep having it. I mean, hopefully you'll be able to tell, I think, if she's like, really, it's like, okay, okay, I get what you mean. You know, a lot of couples listen to this show together and it really helps them.

So, I just keep, you're not doing anything wrong, just remember that she's coming at it from, God knows where, but eventually she'll hopefully she'll open up and share with you. Maybe there is something that she's like, well, I'm afraid it's how you that blah, blah, blah, blah, or I still do have pain or there's so many things that could be going on, but I think if you open to listen and to receive she should share this with you Yeah, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Yeah, thanks for calling Jordan. Let me know how it goes Yeah, we'll do. Thank you. Bye Jordan. Thanks. Bye Most conversations about sex could be uncomfortable first. They might be hard your partner might get upset

But you know what the alternative is the alternative is never about sex, not getting your needs met and suffering through a potentially pleasure less, pleasureless life, pleasureless, less pleasure. A life that is less pleasurable and it sucks not getting your needs met. It sucks not having sex when you want it. So it's like we all get to have our needs met. We just have to be able to talk about it. So remember, communication is a lubrication, continue to talk about it, and keep listening to this show. And thanks for your questions, everyone.

I'll be right back with more of your calls and questions. After the break, I talked to Rachel, who's wondering if she's being too picky with the people she dates? That's a tough line to walk when I've got some good tips for you when we come back. This is from Rain, 33 in Canada. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been married for 8 years to my husband.

We have 2 kids. Over the years, he's been unfaithful to me more times than they even know about. And for the past couple of years, I have absolutely zero interest in sex. Even to the point where I think in my head, sex is weird. Why do we even have sex? Or kissing is gross. Why do you all stick their mouth together like that? It's so weird. What is wrong with me in all caps? I can only assume that I'm ruined from the infidelity. I don't even know what to think. Any suggestions are appreciated. Okay, Rain. Wow. This is a lot. I understand. You have been married

for eight years. And you've kids. He's cheated on you so much that you don't even know what's real anymore. Now you don't like sex. You don't want sex, which makes perfect sense. The cheating it could still be happening. And you have two small kids at home. And sex is not weird because you don't trust them. To me, there's nothing wrong with you. That sounds like a perfectly consistent reaction given that your partner has broken the trust in your relationship that you can no longer trust him because of his infidelity. I have to tell you that the only way couples heal from infidelity and broken trust is by seeing a therapist. Often like once a week for several months, you go see a therapist, you work on your relationship,

you talk about the cheating, you talk about what you need to hear and how you guys can rebuild the trust. Essentially, that's it. You have to rebuild what's broken. I'm assuming that's why you're having that reaction to sex. And maybe this is your body's way of telling you, I need to get some help. It's your body's way of saying, rain, it's time. I'm not going to keep having sex just to please my partner.

It's a hell no from your body. So we got to figure out what the cheating's happening. Is it continuing to happen? And in the past were you enjoying sex? Were you having more pleasure? Did it continuing to happen? And in the past, were you enjoying sex? Were you having more pleasure? Did it not gross you out? What was your upbringing like when it came to sex? Did you have sex positive messages in the home? Did you not? So I think there's a lot of unpacking to do here about your own sexuality as well as your husbands. If you find somebody that you can talk to you'll both be able to

Get a lot closer to communicating better understanding each other's needs more and really getting closer sexually as well Because right now you have resentments and you probably have some fear and None of this is going to be cleared up by you trying to have sex or waiting till you feel better or constantly checking to see if he's still cheating like all of that is prepared, which I'm assuming is going to happen if you think he's still happening. So you deserve this for the help of your marriage and the health of your family. You've two kids at home. Remember kids like sponges, they know what's going on in the home.

And if it's a home without love and without real connection or with tension, conflict, the kids also can feel that. So for all of you, it's really important for you to take these words seriously, find a therapist, and you'll realize that you're able to get into all of those dark places that maybe you didn't think you could talk about, all the things that you couldn't say, but the time is now to do it.

There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to go a little bit deeper and do some more care, some serious work with your husband. Thank you, Rain. Next up is Rachel, 23 in Texas. Hi, Rachel. tell me everything. Hi, basically I'm just a very picky data and I'm not really sure why I've gone on countless dates and I don't really have problems making connections with people but I often don't feel that chemistry and basically

everyone around me is saying like it's good to be so picky but it just doesn't feel like it's that good in the situation. I definitely agreed with you where I felt like dating was a number same, but at this point, I'm not really sure what's going on. Okay, well, it's a lot of things. A numbers game is part of it. You know, getting yourself out there, the more people you meet, the more likely you're going to meet your person. But there's also feeling that the chemistry thing. So, have you, tell me, have you in the past Rachel felt chemistry before with people? Yeah, yeah, I definitely have. Okay, so when was the last time you felt chemistry with someone? Probably like six months ago.

Okay, I didn't really go anywhere. All right, so what's happening now is that you've gone on how many dates and you don't feel it like a bunch. Okay, okay, where are you meeting them? All sorts of ways to the apps to friends or just people I meet at party decent. Okay. Do you feel ever like turn? Does anything ever turn you on in the middle of the day? Do you masturbate?

Do you have a healthy like sexual practice? Do you feel? Do you ever feel sexual urges? It almost feels like that energy is like dormant in me right now. And I'm not really sure why. Well, that's why I'm asking because a lot of times it just, it doesn't matter if the most perfect man walks in the room if you're not feeling like you're open to that right now. So what's your thoughts on why it might be dormant now?

Maybe just because I'm so busy and just focused on what's going on in my life. Maybe, maybe I'm just worried about getting focused on what's going on in my life. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I'm just worried about getting expected the wrong person or something going wrong. I'm not sure. Okay. Well, has there ever been anything that's happened before like anything with a man or sexually? If you want to talk about it. Typically, I found that things move too quickly for me, even though I try to set boundaries.

And so I try to be very careful, but that's still sometimes doesn't really work out that way. Yeah, it's a practice for sure setting boundaries. It doesn't always work out that you feel that people are paying attention to your boundaries. That's really hard. I understand that. If you had that happen before, you might be in a new pattern right now, not trusting people, or being a little like shut down, and maybe afraid of being hurt or abuse in a relationship. So sometimes we do that too, so we don't get that close to us. And we don't allow ourselves to open up. I know I've done that for other things too. Like my dad died when I was young. So I know that I have like daddy issues for many years. I'm like, oh, I don't want to get close because they're gonna leave me, right?

So that was my story. And we all, we all have versions of that. So I'm wondering for you, is there anything about being safe with a man that makes you feel like I can't really trust that? Yeah, the last kind of fling that I had, I did feel pretty safe with this person. And then once again, like, he crossed that boundary.

And so I think that is made me question, like, maybe judgment of character or just men in general. Do you mean like he pushed sex further than you wanted it to go? Yeah. Okay. And how old did you know him? Not super well. We had gone on probably like five or six dates.

Well, yeah, but after even after I get it after five or six states, you feel like, okay, I kind of know this person. I'm really sorry that happened. It sounds like is that the one time that it happened? Yeah, it's happened before. I think where it's just kind of happened sooner than I wanted. And I didn't really know how to like stop that from happening. Have you had experiences with guys where it felt good? Do you remember what you felt like what the traits were of those partners? Yeah, I wasn't one relationship

high school into college. He was Mormon, so I think I felt safe in that sense because like sex is never really on the table, but that's like the only relationship that I've had. And so everything after that has been like a few months or less. Have you ever really thought about what you actually were looking for in a partner now? Have you really written it out like how you want to feel with somebody? It's a good exercise. Yeah, yeah, I definitely buy about it a lot. I think just like somebody that's kind and open and wants to have fun with life. Okay. So I have a question. You know what you say in these first dates?

Mm-hmm. You're like, you know right away. Is there ever a chance where you could go on a second date? Because I find that I usually go on a second date unless it's like horrible, something awful. I'm like, yeah, because then maybe I'm a little more relaxed. Give them a chance. When you at least be surprised,

or you just like, do you walk in and you're like, nope? Sometimes, but I've also really tried to push myself in that sense. And there was one instance where I went on like three or four dates with this guy, because I really liked him as a person. And I knew he was very kind. And so I really, really tried to make that work, but it just wasn't there. And so maybe because of that, I've reverted back to trusting like my gut with things after the first one. Are you going out and doing other things right now? Like do you go to parties or do you friends? Do you go? Do you do your approach people and just start talking to people? I do. I think I'm very confident in most areas of my life except

for dating and sex. That's the one area where I kind of like over eye contact and I'm just nervous to start conversations, but that's definitely something I'm working on. I'm trying to like approach more people. Okay. I feel like the more you get out there and just practice talking to people as friends, no matter what their gender, and just stricken up a conversation, that's how you're likely going to find, you could find someone is also just talking, even if it's not about anything, just something that you're interested in, you know, you said you're good a lot of things talking about your interests. And maybe you'll find that once you start having conversation with someone, the fear goes away and you'll

just be able to talk to anybody. But that really is a practice of asking questions, being a good listener. I would also say yes to a lot of, if there's a lot of invites coming in, our mutations to things, saying yes to things that you wouldn't normally say yes to. What are you like doing? Could you invite someone to go to an art show or go to a movie or go on a hike or just do something that you like doing or taking classes and things that you like doing? That's where you're more likely to meet.

Right. I feel like I go out and do a lot of things. I like to rock climb and I do like to hike. And yeah, I don't know. I just, it's been tough. All I can say is that it just, it feels like it's something that you could practice. Like now that you know what it is, it sounds like you said I'm good at everything but sex and dating. How do you become better at sex and dating? First, you're doing the right thing by calling into the show, listening to the podcast.

I want to get back to you in your own sexuality, though, do you masturbate? Have you had orgasms? Have you had pleasure? Have you felt in your body? I've never had an orgasm. I do masturbate occasionally, but it doesn't feel like it really goes anywhere. It's almost like I reach a climax of sorts,

but it feels like a lot less. And then I just go to his interest. So it's never really built to a point. Okay. So like reach orgasms. That's part of it. I mean, there's a lot going on here. I think that's part of it's like in your head.

Like I gotta be saying the right things when I meet somebody, but I'm thinking now when you're screaming yourself love practice, that could be an area where you just start to explore. Maybe you get a toy, you could read a rhodoka, you can watch Bolesa, which is like the porn, the ethical porn. Just to get your mind in and bored for sex gets your body. Like once you start to feel more sexual and in your body having orgasms, you're just

feeling the energy move. You might find that you feel more sexual, and you might feel more in touch with yourself, your own female sexiness, unless afraid, maybe, unless fearful, when you have the confidence in your own body and your own ability to have orgasms and have pleasure and just give it to yourself. That is an important step, because I promise you it's not like someone's going to show up and they just know because they don't and I always think someday my prince will come and so will I and he never came and I never came. I had to come on my own.

You know, so I feel like there's nothing wrong with you. You're 23 years old and you're starting to learn right now. Looking at where you are, shameful around sex still, and if there is some trauma that you've experienced, it sounds like it's minimized maybe in your brain and maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, but if it was, those things just get bigger over time, so we really have to go see a therapist. It's really important to talk through these things,

but I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I just think, yeah, you seem really great and thoughtful and smart and it's okay that it takes time. I hope that's helpful. Yes, so well. Thank you so much. Thank you Rachel, you got this. I appreciate you. Have a great night. Bye. All right guys, I know that dating is stressful, it can be, it's really hard can be challenging to find somebody. There's a lot of people are out there now on the apps, and there's a lot of single people in the world. But if we also feel like we are not ready to date,

or we still have a lot of fear around sex, or a fear around commitment, that's something that we have to work on. But also, as you are looking for a partner, remember to be the person you want to find. But also, am I showing up as my best to date self? I don't know, this whole comment your best self, it changes all the time. Like you go, hopefully you're always getting better or better, but like my best self to date.

This is my best self right now. So just do in your own work, paying attention, it's great to journal this practice and just be present and communicate. And you're going gonna find your person. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. podcast. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithmleaf.com.