Sex With Emily - The Secrets of Sexual Attraction

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

Today’s show is all about exploring sexual attraction; what it means and how does it fit into romantic love. By the end of today’s episode, you’ll better understand how and why YOU may feel sexually attracted to another person and how that can sometimes be distinct from feelings associated with long-term love. Plus, I take your questions! What to do when you’re straight, but kinda wanna hook up in a non-straight way, what to do when you and your partner are both submissive (and both crave dominance), how to bring back the spark, and when you should hang onto a friend with quality benefits – and, when to let them go. Show Notes:Sex, Drugs and The Side Effects of Birth Control w/ Ricki Lake & Abby EpsteinFor More Studies From Justin Lehmiller Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Did you know we tend to be attracted to people who look like us? One study showed that heterosexual men and women rate the attractiveness of several faces. And one was a picture of their own face that had been digitally morphed into the other sex. And participants found that this more face to be more attractive than all the other faces. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Daphne Ramley, and I'm here

to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you've got a part where you love. Someone you feel super attracted to and totally safe in their presence. But also a little bored. What do you do when things feel too safe? And how can you better understand

your personal turn on switches to make the romance more adventurous? Today shows all about exploring the breakdown between sex and romance. You can totally want to sex with someone and might not feel so romantic towards them or you might have romance and feel loving, but not necessarily want to have sex with them.

So by the end of today's episode, you'll better understand how and why you get aroused so you can make any partnership more erotic and know which ones you just might never make erotic and that's okay too. Plus I take your questions. What to do when you're straight but kind of want to hook up in a non-straight way? What to do when you and your partner are both submissive and both crave dominance? How to bring back the spark and when you should hang on to a friend with quality benefits and when to let them go?

Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an attention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could this episode help you? Well, my intention is to help you understand your arousal triggers. In other words, what turned you on? How do you turn yourself on and how to use that sexual energy for any partnership?

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Make an Awesome Dating at Profile, is up on SexWithEmily.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex, or 559 825 5739. Just leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And also, I'm told if you change your name, if you want to remain anonymous. I just want to help you.

Alright, everyone. Enjoy this episode. Okay, let's talk about sexual attraction. What exactly is it? And how important is it in a relationship? I think we can all agree we need to have some sexual attraction in the beginning, but it doesn't always last. And what to do when you have it with some people, but you don't have it with others, I could talk about this stuff all day long. And I think it's important because we've all been very, very confused for a long time about sexual attraction and relationships, but here's some fun facts and things to keep in mind about sexual attraction.

Number one, sexual attraction is fluid and mysterious, so no matter how you identify your sexuality, straight, LGBTQ, fluid, figuring it out, you can feel purely sexual towards some people, even if you know you're not looking for relationship with them. This connection might be stimulating to you you and there's just simply something about their vibe, their energy, or their appearance that just peeks your curiosity. It turns you on. Now here's an example. Say you're a cis gender heterosexual woman, meaning cis gender meaning that was a gender you were assigned to a birth and you are attracted to men. You've always dated men and you enjoy having sex with them. And you want to keep having sex with men.

You want to build a life with a man, maybe you want to have children with a man, but you also find yourself sexually fantasizing about women. You actually think you want to hook up with a woman. And it's confusing because you don't identify as a lesbian, you don't identify as LGBTQ, and maybe you doubt yourself. You're like, what is wrong with me? Does it mean I have to just not ever be with a penis again? Cause I only want to be with volvos.

What the heck's going on? I want you to know this is totally normal. Because sexual desire attracts you. It's mysterious. And it sometimes shows aside of ourselves, they want to explore. It's a more adventurous side. It's our exploratory side.

Remember this, sex is play. Remember we used to play more, we don't play enough. As kids, we could imagine anything. Like I remember when I was a kid, I used to play all the time in my Barbie dolls, which is kind of ironic. And I would say it now would make them outfits,

that would make them fall in love, and tonight's Barbie would be getting can, and tonight's Barbie would be getting GI Joe, and tonight's Barbie would be getting the other bar's Barbie would be getting G.I. Joe and tonight's Barbie would be getting the other Barbies and it was so fun just to play. I would also play games outside with my neighbors and we'd explore and it would just be fun play. But right now we have to remember to play. But that's another thing. Remember that sex is play too. And sex comes from our right-icism and our imagination and what it reveals to us is what we're curious about. So if you think of sex and just play like,

huh, I'm curious about hugging up with another gender or a different kind of person that I'm normally attracted to. And that's fun. That opens up your whole world. You just think, I want to explore a little bit. Sex is all about exploring and playing. That's what I want to reiterate here. And we don't play enough as adults.

So time to play. And your sex life is a great place to start. Taking all the pressure that you put in yourself, to put yourself in this box, think of it as an adventure. Number two, understand that your desire habits are a mix of a few things. That's because sexual attraction is just a small component of a much larger dynamic between you and another person. So So have you ever met someone incredibly hot and you thought about having sex with them? Maybe you had sex with them, but you know when you're

gut, this is not someone you're gonna bring home to your family. This person, not relationship material. Then you know what I'm talking about here. Just because you want to have sex with someone, doesn't necessarily mean you have to fall in love with them or that you ever want your parents to meet them. Number three, romantic attraction is often a sign of affection. So have you ever had the experience of being with someone who's wonderful, someone you adore, you love doing all the lovey-dovey things with them, you can spend all your time with them, you want to take them home with your parents, you love watching shows, you love going to IKEA and going furniture shopping,

you just want to cuddle all day long. But you've never ever felt that sexual spark. Well, then you know what it's like to feel a romantic attraction or even love without the sexual component. It's a sign that you feel safe and relaxed and secure. All the qualities we need to be affectionate and deep in our emotional connection with someone. Some more quick facts about attraction.

Like I just thought will help you as you're listening to this episode. These are from social psychologists, author, and kinsy institute research fellow, Justin Laymiller. Did you know we tend to be attracted to people who look like us? One study showed that heterosexual men and women rate the attractiveness of several faces.

And one was a picture of their own face that had been digitally morphed into the other sex. So it would be like my face morphed to look like a man. And participants found that this morphed face to be more attractive than all the other faces. Okay, another fun fact. Not only would trap people that look like us, we also seem to be attracted to people who remind us of our parents. Yep, you might be reminded of someone who looks just like your mother or your father. Ooh, I like this one. If you're already physiologically aroused, like you just exercised, maybe just keep from yoga class,

you win for run, and you meet someone new, you're more likely to develop an attraction to that person. Whoever it is, walk about your path, and you're all your adrenaline is going because you just want to run. Why? Because you mistakenly attribute the source of your elevated heartbeat, your heartbeat's racing to that stranger, instead of the true source of your arousal, which is your heart racing because you just worked out. So next time you fall in love with someone that you see the grocery store after your boot camp, pay attention. Beer goggles, that's really a thing. This should come as no surprise.

If the drunker people get, the higher attractiveness ratings they give to strangers. And alcohol also changes how attractive we perceive ourselves. This is why we want to limit our drinks. Attraction is a multi-sensory process. Who were attracted to depends not just on how the other person looks, but also on how they smell, how their mouth tastes, and so on. So the senses also play a role in attraction. I always find this fascinating. The things that heterosexual women find attractive and men vary across their menstrual cycle.

So in word, our peak fertility in our cycle, we're attracted to like manly or men, like muscular guys with really deep voices. But other times a month, not so much. So when you think it's love at first sight, or this is my partner, at least wait to be gone through a few menstrual cycles to see if this is really your match.

Your birth control pills will also affect attraction and arousal. We did a great episode on birth control with Ricky Lake last year, and we talk all about this, that your birth control is actually going to infect who you're attracted to. So before you get married if kids with someone I would say get off the pill after consulting with your

doctor and see is this really my person. And finally our patterns of sexual attraction change seasonally. So for example, heterosexual men report greater attraction to women's bodies and their breasts in the winter months than doing the summer months. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but maybe it's because skin is more of a novelty in the winter when everyone's bundled up and you haven't seen breasts all year long. So you get excited about that, but in the winter they're much more coveted. Find out more at sexandpsychology.com and it will also be in the show notes. All right everyone, let's get into your questions.

This is from Mara, 23 in Chicago. Hi Dr. Emily, I love your show, it's changed my life. I'm a newer listener so I apologize if this has already been asked, but I'm struggling to figure out my sexuality. I've always identified as a straight woman, but I've also always been attracted to women. I'm just not sure in what way. I've been physically and emotionally attracted to women, and the idea of sleeping with one turns me on.

I've only been with women sexually in a situation with other men, but I've never gone all the way with one. I don't know if I'm bisexual or just a woman or hot. How do I figure this out? Thanks. Alright, Mara, well thank you so much for your email here. sexual or just the women or hot. How do I figure this out? Thanks. All right, Mara, well thank you so much for your email here.

You know, you've done the hard work here and you've done the brave work of figuring out your attraction, who you're tracking to. That's great. So I wouldn't even know it or they would repress it. So here's what we don't need to do next. Throw a label on you. If you find women attractive, I say try it out.

Find a woman to date. Get interested in. See what happens. I think this whole like, am I bisexual? Am I gay? What does it mean? Am I belong lesbian? It doesn't matter.

You don't need to know right now. What I love is that you're 23 years old and you're on a path and you're exploring and you're figuring out. Do I like women? Do I like men? Do I want both? Because guess what? You get to have it all. All we need to get you to do is feel confident in it and to get out there and start exploring. Thanks for your email, Mara. This is from Sarah, 28 in Vermont. Hey, Dr. Amin. I met a guy in a dating app and we've been on six dates now.

He always seems excited to see me. He plans dates for us. He calls them dates. He text me regularly and generally seems to have a good time when we hang out. However, we barely make physical contact. He gives me a one arm hug at the end of every day. One of the dates was at his apartment to watch a movie and I initiated couch-cuddling. He was very responsive and seemed comfortable with it. I also was the one to lean in to kiss him. He also genuinely seemed in the kissing. However, that night there was no kiss goodbye. Later this week, we went for a dog walking date and again, no physical contact except for the one arm hug at the end. Not the one arm hug. I don't know if he isn't kissing me because he doesn't like me, he isn't big into kissing, or if he's

shy. My feelings are getting hurt when he doesn't make a move on me because to me, it's a huge sign he doesn't like me. If he likes me, he would kiss me, right? How can I show him or tell him that physical contact is important to me? What things can I ask him or say to him that will help me understand how he perceives physical contact is important to me. What things can I ask him or say to him that will help me understand how he perceives physical contact. It's especially difficult for me to navigate this conversation. Considering we've only been seeing each other for two months and I don't want to scare him off by having a serious conversation or what we are to talk. Thanks Sarah. All right Sarah. Two months in and you're still getting the arm hung and that does not feel good to anybody.

Not even me listening to this. I'm like, I want you to have your needs met. I really, really do. And it's not so much if you've done it to physical contact and all these things. I think it's straightforward conversation you have with them. You can have it next time you see them and just say, hey, I've really been enjoying our time together these last few months. It's been great. I really have an attraction to you. But I'm not totally getting a sense

of where you're at. How do you feel about this relationship? What kind of thing are you looking for? And then you let them talk. Because I don't think there's anything wrong two months in to say, like, you're like, you got to want to have the talk for like two months. That's a lot of time you're messing. I mean, what if you were interviewing for a job and you had all this job interview? And you're like, did I get the job? And you got to get the job.

And I don't want to say that you're reading for him to decide if you're the one. It's more like, are we going to work together or we're not working together? What is happening here? Let's define our roles and let's figure it out. So I try to normalize this. You deserve to know where you're at.

You're putting precious time in with this guy. And I'm not hearing like, hey, but I'm also cool as being friends with them. I mean, maybe you are. And maybe the conversation will go in that direction. Maybe they'll say, you know what? I'm just really looking for a friend right now. I'm not looking for anything romantic. Or he might say, yeah, you know, I really liked kissing with you that night, but I'm shy. You're gonna get all your answers from having this conversation with them. Now if he says, I don't know, not sure, what do you think?

What are you talking about? Like I just think you're gonna learn a lot once he answers this query. And I don't think you're being needy or you're doing anything wrong and you're all been saying, I got a life to live. I'm looking for romance. I'm looking for connection and I love physical contact. It's really

important to me. In fact, physical touch. No, I need that relationship or it's a deal breaker. Like, can we just again everyone just let's say these things early on because you're with him for two months. I hear people together for two years, 20 years and they're having these same challenges. Like why isn't my partner touch me? So let's figure it out two months in, if you're on the same page. And let me just say this, I wanna also normalize one more thing here. Physical touch is an important part of relationships for many.

If you'd do a love language, and it's one of the primary ways that you experience connection and love, I think you gotta figure that out early on, because I'm telling you, if you and a relationship with someone who is in comfortable touch, they're not comfortable with hugging.

They don't want to hold hands. They don't want to cuddle on the couch. You should know that early on. Maybe you can decide that, well, this person's so great. I don't need it, but I have ended a relationship on the basis of that alone. When someone's like, I really like you, I'm into you, but touch makes me uncomfortable.

It's not my job to fix them and say, are you sure? Have you tried touch? I really think you're gonna like it. No, less too short. There are plenty of people out there who want to touch and make you feel sexy and want to initiate and do all the things that you want to do. I promise you'll find that person, but all I'm asking you to do right now, Sarah, is to have a conversation with him that's very open and curious and listen. And if you're not on the same page, you can part ways and maybe friends and long live the out one arm hug.

But I had this conversation seriously later, okay? Thanks for being now. This is from Olivia, 24 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, before meeting my now husband, I was not really one for commitment and enjoyed spontaneous sex instead. I love that wild and free feeling. When he and I first met,

our physical chemistry was intense and electric. It was one of the things that drew me the most toward him. Unfortunately, I learned fast that his intensity also carried over into many other areas of his life causing problems. He decided to take action on his mental health a few years ago and started to get medication to make his mood more stable. Fast forward, 5 years later, our sex life is non-existent, and basically has been ever since he got on meds. He's really

in the mood, never pursues me, and only prioritizes his pleasure when we have sex because I take too long. That's a quote. I've told him what gets me off, suggested bringing toys into the bedroom, etc, but he still doesn't ever take the initiative to make me feel wanted sexually. If I want to get off, I usually have to do it on my own with the toy. Another problem for us sexually is that we both enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. I want the other person to make the first move. All of these sexual disagreements have caused me to doubt things, feeling like I'm missing something in my marriage. I tend to even fantasize about us in our early days and even think about other people who before I knew him. My questions would be, how do I deal with happy and partner who does not align with me sexually anymore?

How do I become more dominant in the bedroom when it makes me feel super uncomfortable in that role. So Olivia, there's a lot to impact here. You've been with your husband for five years or since you were 19 years old. This is a lot that's happened. You guys are still in those stages of kind of figuring out who you are sexually together. It just sounds like you guys really need to unpack a lot of these things. And I do think think of having healthy conversations about your sex life outside the bedroom is going to be the place to start. You guys are in a great position to find a wonderful therapist. It doesn't have to be a sex therapist, it can be a marriage of family therapists, but all the things that you're telling me here, there are a lot of layers to it. It's not just

about the sex. It's about him understanding your needs, about him having some being on medication and taking his mental health seriously, which is amazing. But where does that leave you in his journey? I mean, he's changed a lot in the last few years. And I want to know what kind of work have you done in yourself? Have you learned about what you need? You know, how compatible are you guys right now? And I just want to remember that the medication thing is that a lot of people get on medication, particularly antidepressants, and there's no friend to our sex drive. So unfortunate, right? Here we are. We're not feeling great.

We're not happy. And then we take meds and we feel great. And then we don't want to sexually, but sex was one of those things that you feel good. It's not fun. However, what you can do, as you can talk to a doctor, you can let him know that he's having a side effects and see what you could do. Only talk to a doctor about this, but sometimes they can lower the dose or they can add something else in.

That's part of it. But it also sounds like you guys are just sort of, he thinks you're take too long and that's hurtful, but he might need to understand your process of arousal What gets you to feel good? How you experience the most pleasure? So you're asking me how to deal with a part of it as a line of me sexually more You're really not going to figure this out on your own without it there for it's going to help you untangle a lot of these things Because I'm going to guess here that if he also says to you you take too long and he says things that are dismissive

It's probably sleeping over to other areas of your relationship. There are probably other ways in your communication where it starts just in the bedroom. It's in other parts of the relationship. And they answer other questions, how do we get more dominant? Learning to become anything better, learning to initiate, learning to be more dominant,

more submissive is a practice. And it comes with a conversation with him and say, when you would like me to be more dominant better, what does that look like to you? And you have to think about that as well. You said that you were both submissive. What does it look like to you, Olivia? What does a partner be more dominant look like to you? Both of you. For you, it might be, I just want someone to initiate. You might want to blindfold, you might want to spanking, you might want to be tied up. I mean I don't know what you want. What does he want? We don't know. So how you become more dominant bedroom is finding out what it means to your partner and looking at

what it means to you and then you get to figure it out together. Remember this can be fun. These sex conversations about how do we actually work strategically together so we both get our needs met? They don't have to be some stodgy boring conversation. This is like, wow, we're really going to put the time in to become great lovers to each other. Like how fun is that? Once we get past the shame and the worry that's weird and awkward and sex should always be great without having to talk about, then we get into good stuff. Those are a lot of different ways you go about it, but I'm sensing from your email loan, we're not talking, but I'm sensing that there's a lot more going on here if we need the service, and it would be wonderful for you both to get a therapist. Sooner than later, once a week commit for a year, or even three months to start, once a week to

really help you guys get on the same page again, so you can figure out where this relationship is going, and if you can both learn to align sexually and otherwise. Thank you for your email, Olivia. I'm going to take a quick break, but stick around after we're for sponsors, I'm going to be answering more emails all about attraction. We have Ryan 42. Hey Dr. Emily, I listened to your podcast and it helped me, but I've come to a point of my merit that I don't know what to do. To give you some background, I'm 42 years old, my wife is 38.

I've been married for 19 years and have two wonderful boys. Our oldest started college as a fall and our youngest is a sophomore in high school. Over the past year or two, I've been feeling as if my wife doesn't want me. To me, she shows no affection or intimacy. I've tried discussing this with her and it just ends in a fight. And her telling me I only want sex and me feeling bad, retreating and bottling up my feelings. I went to point where I'm ready to give up. She says she doesn't know how to initiate

so we've discussed different ways. I've even brought toys to help her enjoy sex and maybe even initiate using toys. I don't know what to do, please help. Brian, you guys have been together for a long time. And congratulations on two wonderful boys and staying together in this time. I'm going to guess here that in the past, as you would get us along, that there was more beings of affection, there was more intimacy,

your sex life was more satisfying. And now it is it. And this is very common, you know, if you've listened to the show, you know that this is really, really common for couples to have their sex life lean over time. And you know the ages are at your son going off to college. I mean that's a big change for parents. Okay so what it sounds to me though here is that you're doing a lot of the work Ryan you're buying toys you're discussing your sex life. You're also the one feeling rejected. And I'm wondering what she wants and what makes her feel good. Because it doesn't feel good to anybody

when our partner says, you know what, 19 years, I'm out. I've had enough sex and let's just co-exist in the home together. I mean, because then your roommates, and that's not what you signed up for, I'm sure that wasn't your agreement, your partner kid just changed the rules of the game. Especially when it comes to sex. Unless both of you decide that we don't need sex anymore and you want to live together

and live your life, that's fine. You know, there's no sex police. I'm not going to come knocking on door and saying, I heard you and it's sex, but this isn't okay with you. And you're not feeling loved, you're not feeling appreciated, you're not feeling valued. And that really hurts. And I'm sorry you have to go through this right now. And again, I'm only getting your version of the story,

I haven't talked to your wife, but I feel like couples therapy, viewers haven't tried it yet, would be so wonderful for both of you. Because it's really common for couples to be together, as long as you both be together, and you're sort of in the same place, having the same conversations over and over and over again.

Now maybe you're saying, oh, we tried it, it didn't work. But let me tell you this, trying it, does that mean we went three times so for it, it didn't work. But let me say this, trying it does not mean we went three times so for therapists and we didn't like her. Okay, it means we committed, even though it was painful and it was hard to get there, but we had it as a non-negotiable reading on a calendar once a week when we committed to three months.

We even paid up front, because we knew we both bail on it. It was the most important thing on our schedule. And we think about all the time that you spend, you know know with your son dropping them off with games and picking them up It's cool. He's no longer there. So tell me you have no time Doesn't really work for me and also you can do therapy in Zoom now And I believe that every couple is gonna benefit from therapy and the sooner that you get into therapy the better And they get never too soon, but in your case right now I feel like it's urgent. What you've said to me is that you feel like your wife doesn't want you and you're ready to give up.

So I hear danger here. I hear emergency. I hear 911 call therapy. Like if your car broke down right now on the side of the road and you were like calling me or calling friends of chat and go, by the way, my car is like, no, you'd call a tow truck. You'd call someone to come help you. And this is in relationships I'm telling you. The only thing you can do is go into therapy. You're essentially getting a mediator help you. You're not getting admitted to a mental institution,

which I think people, I don't know why you're also afraid of therapies. That what you think, you see they're gonna be like, oh God, you're crazy. No, they literally are helping you have conversations that are so difficult for you to have on your own. Which by the way, welcome to being human, it's difficult for all of us to have this conversation, which is why I think we all need therapy.

So again, I'm sorry I'm going through all this, Ryan, I really want you to find some help. And if your wife says she's not interested in therapy, she's not interested in sex, and she doesn't want to initiate, and all these things, well, didn't even have a lot of information there. And you have some more things to make your decision. You can base your decision on some more information. But I really hope that's not the case. I hope she understands how important it is to work on your relationship together.

And let me say this, going to a therapist is also the best way to fast-track wherever you're going. Maybe it is time to give up, Ryan. I don't know. But you're on your own. Trying to have the same conversations and buying the toys and trying to figure out what to do. And that is not gonna happen. I'm telling you right now, for 19 years, you're not gonna move the needle,

like you will be able to move it if you find a therapist to help you through it. Okay, Brian? Let me know how it goes. I'm here for you. I got you. Okay, this is from Clarissa, 25 in Portugal. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm Clarissa, 25 in Portugal,

and I just recently discovered your podcast, and I'm in love with it. I've been in a relationship for five years now, married for three, and my wife is 34. In the beginning, sex was great, and we couldn't get enough to each other. But now, for the past years, it's been really difficult for us to get it on. Her sex drive used to be really high in the beginning, but after some time, she changed jobs and it was really consuming her energy, which led her to have a low sexual appetite. We've tried having a three-semin at help, but I feel like sometimes we just don't love each other the same way we used to. We've changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship,

and there's rarely any flirting or seducing each other anymore. Any ideas on how we could re-kindle that spark. Thank you. All right, Clarissa, five years to gather, so since you were to do some of this. And I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this.

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I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. I'm going to be able to do some of this. Not flourish like it did at the beginning. Two very common things. It could be stressed, it could be the job, it could be changing, but it's gonna happen a lot. It's gonna continue happening in your relationship.

So I'm wondering if you both have a growth mindset around sex and if you're both willing to do what it takes to make this sexual relationship work. Because you already see what happened when you don't have it and you don't talk about it and you sound like you're the one who was really trying to fix it here and was trying to come up with solutions.

The Kiddling Spark is a process that works best with both of you are on board. And both of you would like to be Kiddlet. So I'm going to guess that she, I'm going to hope that she would like to do that as well. It really started with a conversation outside the bedroom. Not when one of you was frustrated again because you know, didn't respond to the sexual advances and didn't take initiative. It really comes from saying, I really want to talk to you about something. And I feel like our sex life isn't what I would really love to find ways that we could both work and be coming incredible lovers to each other. A lot of couples listen to this show together because it makes it

a lot easier for them to kind of have these kind of conversations. It's not easy and I get that. I'm hearing you, it's not easy to have these conversations, but if you do have a growth mindset around sex, is she willing to listen to podcasts together, read together, have conversations about what your turn on are, what are the best times of day to have sex?

Write down the three most memorable times you had sex and swap those lists. Find out some information about what the spark looks like for both of you. Do you understand your arousal patterns? How you both get turned on? What turns you on? Is it when you're part or initiates? Is it dirty talk? Is it using toys?

Is it orgasms? Is it watching porn together? Is it dressing up? Is it when you're on vacation? Have you guys had a vacation in a while? Have you been stuck in your house? Let's remember a lot of us have been our homes last two years. And then we're on top of each other. And that's really hard too. So there's just a lot of things happening where we need some as you need separation. So I mean that separation is not bringing up, but you need to like get out of the home when you need time apart.

Maybe you've been on top of each other. And your hasn't been even time to miss each other, even time to desire each other. But I always try to give you all the next step because you're not sitting here with me, you're not not meeting you, you're not talking. But my next step for you would say, get on the same page with your wife and say, I really miss our intimacy. And it's so important to me that we continue to be sexual. And I'd love to find some ways, find some solutions that we could both work on it, to make sure that our sex life is stronger than ever. Would you be down? And see what she says.

Listen, remember, when we had these conversations, it is very important to listen, and to come up with a curious, light tone, and to definitely do it inside the bedroom. And then I can help you from there. You can even send me another email, let me know what happened bedroom. And then I can help you from there. You can even send me another email, let me know what happened after that. And I can help you.

We've so many great resources on our site, section of the MW.com. We've got a lot of great podcasts about just this thing, rekindling the spark, going from stale to sexy. So check out those shows as well. And thank you so much, Colorissa, for your email. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. I appreciate you.

I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you.

I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you.

I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you. and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com.

And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex With Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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