Sex With Emily - The Sex Conversations You're Too Afraid to Have

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again, the number one thing standing between you and the sex life you actually want is probably one conversation you haven't had yet. Not a new position. Not a new toy. A conversation. And I know that sounds simple, but if it were easy, you wouldn't be talking yourself out of it every single time. Today, I'm taking live listener calls on some of the most awkward, most avoided, most necessary conversations in sex and relationships, and giving you the exact words to have them. In this episode, you'll learn:  • What to do when everything in your relationship is great except the sex — and how to bring it up without making your partner feel like the last nine months were a waste  • How to give feedback about a smell, a skill, or a habit that's getting in the way of your pleasure — without shame, without cruelty, and without killing the mood  • Why if you're freezing up every time you want to initiate, the problem probably isn't your partner's response — it's the story you're telling yourself before you even open your mouth This episode is sponsored by... Try Promescent Delay Spray today and get 15% off your first order. Just go to www.promescent.com/swe More Dr. Emily:  • Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply).5 • Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  • Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. • The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure • Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website • Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube • Let’s text: Sign up here • Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 1:44 - Caller #1: Sex Is Lackluster After 9 Months — Is It a Dealbreaker? 11:27 - How to Tell Someone They're Bad at Hand Jobs 13:06 - Caller #2: She's Monogamous, He Wants Non-Monogamy 18:55 - Dr. Emily on Ethical Non-Monogamy & Why Timing Matters 19:58 - Caller #3: Should He Tell His Culinary School Crush He Has Feelings? 27:25 - Caller #4: Hemorrhoid Surgery, Skin Tags & Talking About It With Partners 33:39 - Anonymous Question: She Smells — How Do You Bring It Up? 36:06 - Caller #5: She Wants Sex But Freezes Up Before Initiating 42:03 - Dr. Emily's Final Word: If No One Initiates, There's Zero Sex Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I would let him know that. And then just say, and I want you to know I get this uncomfortable, but I love to go forward in this relationship. And it's important for me to continue to have these conversations around sex. You take it off of him not performing and doing something to the both of you. And you say, I have a growth mindset around sex. I hope you do too. Ooh, I love that.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Here's a secret. The number one obstacle standing between you and the sex of your dreams probably comes down to exactly one thing, communication. It's not a cliche, it's a skill. And on today's Ask Emily show, we're talking our way to better sex. So let's bravely face the awkwardness with communication hacks for even the most nerve-wracking of convos. Clamming up during sex talks, I've got a

confidence-building solution for that. How about giving tough feedback like Ascent? for better hand jobs or addressing a funky smell. We get into it. Finally, we tackle tough topics like telling a friend you have feelings for them and whether to stay in a relationship if the sex is just okay. Hey, communication is a lubrication. But you know what? It's also liberating.

And by the end of this episode, you'll be feeling a lot more free. Please rate your view sex with Emily, wherever you listen to the show. It just helps get the show out to more people and it only takes a few seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, X, Facebook, all at Sex With Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks.

I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. That's exactly why we created the Shop Sex With Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team. And these are products I trust. I recommend to clients and would tell my friends about. I do tell my friends about. It's what I talk about all the time. Whether you're exploring solo pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner,

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When your space feels supported, your body can relax and intimacy flows easier. Get 15% off your order with my code Sex with Emily at checkout on commonconfidential.com. That's code Sex with Emily for 15% off at common confidential.com. We have Jessica 33 in North Carolina. Hi, Jessica. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for having me.

Of course. So nice to meet you. How are you doing? Tell me what's going on. So good to see you. Thank you so much for having me. I am a long time fan. So this is kind of a little bit of a dream come true here.

Absolutely. All right. Really, what's going on in my life is I've started seeing this new guy. He's really great. He's a nice guy. You know, he meets all the recordings. He checks all the boxes. He just fulfills everything for me, except kind of that small little detail of, it's a little lackluster in the bedroom, if you will. And I really just want to know if that is something that is a big enough issue to kind of put the brakes on the entire relationship. I don't know if that's going to become a huge problem down the road or if that's something we can work through or I don't know. It's a good question.

I mean, so my question is, and you've been together for... I think, yeah, I think about nine months now. Like, we're heading towards a year. So that's kind of a long time. Yeah. Okay, so here's a thing. It's funny because actually Esther Perel was on my podcast and we talked about this and we said, you know, how important is sex in a relationship and everyone gets to decide for themselves.

Now, if you have two people together and both decide, sex is not the most important thing to us. We're best friends. We split the house duties up. We have really good parents. But you get to decide. how important it is. Now, I believe that sex is something that you can work on, but you have to have two willing partners.

So what are you missing right now in the sex life? It's not for a lack of communication on my part, and it's not for lack of trying on his part, but I think he's just a little bit more modest, a little more reserved, and I don't know that he truly knows what I mean by, like, spicing things up or, you know, trying new things. it's a little awkward for him, I feel like. Well, Jessica, you're right.

And I'm here. I've never met him. He doesn't know what you mean by that. He has no idea what you mean. And in fact, it probably terrified him. But this is great news because he probably is nervous to talk about it. Has never maybe had a partner who has addressed this with him before. And so he feels perhaps intimidated like he's letting you down and what the hell to spice it up

means. So you can tell me what what it means to you and then we could figure out how to have a conversation with him about it. Oh, that's a great idea. Okay. So I guess really this part isn't spicy, but just like more sex in general, maybe not like one every week and a half. That's just really not enough for me. But I was trying to do exactly what you said. I didn't want to overwhelm or intimidate him, didn't want to frighten him and have him think, you know, like I hate our sex life. I just need like step one more of it. And then kind of going from there a little, less vanilla, a little more exciting. Okay.

Well, see, this is what's really cool. Now, you said you've been listening to the podcast for a while. Oh, yeah. So, I mean, a lot of couples, we had someone called last week that they listened on a road trip for six hours to the podcast, and then people stop. Okay, right? People always like, I listen down a road trip.

I'm like, great. So maybe it's more, maybe it would be helpful for you, whereas we were making dinner one night and you played it. And then you said, you know, this is my favorite podcast. And then you stop it when something comes up that you guys, want to talk about so he can start getting comfortable hearing the language of sex and communicating about it because, you know, my listeners know this and my friends know this, but people, most people are not comfortable with the topic of sex. So I would get him comfortable,

maybe listen together, read some articles on our site. You could do our yes, no maybe list that we have on this site. But this might be jumping the gun a bit because the first thing you're saying is it's not even the quantity isn't even enough that you're, it's not about the quality right now. You're like he wants every. So that's an important conversation about frequency of sex. So you could start with the conversation saying, you know, I realize that sex is important to me to connect. I love when we connect.

And for me, I love it a little bit more frequently. I know your face. So why does that. What scares you about that? I just feel like a man hearing that. Oh, man. I feel like, isn't that a shot to the ego to hear like, oh, my God, my girlfriend's like not satisfying with the amount like I haven't been pleasing her enough.

And I don't want him to think the last nine months have been kind of a wash, but they've been a little bit of a wash. Just a bit. Well, you just, I mean, Jessica, I'd love to use this as like the banner question of what goes on in the show because the reason why most many, many of us do not talk to our partners is for that exact reason. So then we silently suffer through mediocre sex sex that's unsatisfied because we're so afraid we're going to bust their ego. That could happen. And that is a totally realistic scenario, which is why we don't do it. So the way that you do do it is you reassure him. You start with a compliment sandwich.

And you say, it's been nine months and you start with a compliment. That's the first layer. All the things you love about your side. I want you to know that I love our relationship and then the middle part of the sandwich would be. And I realize that sex is something that's actually really important to me. And whenever I see you, I want to have sex with you. And I feel like we have sex, you know, one time in nine, ten days.

And for me, I'm feeling like I would want a lot more. The last part of the sandwiches, and I really want to work on our relationship, and I want to continue to grow. But I realize in my past relationships, I never talked about sex. And this is new for me, too. So you kind of reassure him with a shared experience. And you might have to say it a few times. And you could probably read his face if he looks like, oh, God, and say, no, babe.

Put your arms around him and say, this was really hard for me, too. Because I don't want you to feel ashamed, and I don't want you to feel bad. and I don't want to impact your ego, but I also want to get my needs met. And so I'm practicing. Will you practice with me? Will you learn with me how to communicate about sex? Yes, I love that. It sounded so gentle when you said it.

It's exactly what I'm trying to achieve. Well, yeah, you could practice it. You could write it out. You could talk to the mirror. You could talk to a friend. So how would you say it? You want to say it back to me? Yeah, and I think also a little bonus here,

I'm going to incorporate something I listen to you on the road trip on one of your podcast where you guys were talking. talking about the Gottman's and, you know, the love languages. And I've learned that mine is physical touch, which actually came as a surprise to me. I thought that would be like two or three, but no, it's number one pretty heavy. So it makes sense that I am needing this bit, right? Yeah, so I guess I would probably start and really, I loved all this stuff who said, like, babe, just want you to know, like, I'm really extremely happy. This has been like the best nine months of my life thus far. and that's really important to me because I'm actually divorced and that was all ugly and all that good stuff.

So this has been really a wonderful nine months. So I don't want this to become an issue that affects us. But yeah, I like how you turned it into like every time I see you, I just want to have sex more often. And so that actually is a complimentary thing and not in the ego best. No. So yeah, I want to definitely focus on that. Because yeah, who wouldn't want to hear that? Like, oh, I'm that hot.

Like, thank you. I would love that, right? Exactly. You just flip it, not even the butt. And every time I see you, I want to have sex with you more often. I want to have sex with you. I want to touch you. Like, period.

Because that's true. That's exactly it. You just have such a good way with words. And then I really loved how you ended it expressing how this was a difficult conversation for me to have and that I am practicing because that is true. It's actually, you know, previously was something that my ex-husband wouldn't want to talk about. And so it kind of just was what it was. And here I am, you know, I'm 33.

I've taken control of my life a little bit more. So, like, this is a good problem, right? Exactly. Jessica, that was great. And you did such a good job. I mean, really, you're so loving. And here's a thing. You have to remember, it might take a few conversations with him.

He's not going to be like, I got it. So maybe that's where you start. And then you could start to talk about, I wouldn't even say, why don't you guys take the love language quiz together? You could say, I took this really cool quiz. Look what I found out. See what he is, because the touch thing is real. I'm the same way, mine is touch.

And if a partner doesn't touch me when they come in the door and we don't care, I'm like disconnected. Like they could bring me flowers. They could bring me gifts. They could have like just filled my car up with gas. But if they didn't touch me and kiss me when they came in the door, I would feel something's off. So it's totally valid. So I think those are the kind of examples you could give him.

So that might be fun. And then when you say spice it up, it sounds like you're still trying to get clear on that. You know as well. Maybe you want to feel more desired. Yeah. That would be great. Yes. Definitely.

So I would let him know that. And then just say, and I want you to know I get this uncomfortable, but I love to go forward to this relationship. And it's important for me to continue to have these conversations around sex. You take it off of him not performing and doing something to the both of you. And you say, I have a growth mindset around sex. I hope you do too. Ooh, I love that.

Double entendre there. Exactly. Right. Right. So good, Jessica. Well, thank you for your call. And I so appreciate this. And I really, I feel, I'm feeling good about it, but you can always call back in and we could do another call.

Perfect. I would love to. And thank you, Emily. Have a good one. You too. Bye. All right. I hope this made a lot of you think, huh?

I realize if there are some things I'm not communicating about in my relationship that might just take a conversation to make our sex life stronger and our relationship stronger. What's holding you back right now from having that conversation? and asking for what you need. Think about it. Is it about hurting your partner's feelings? Is that you're not sure what to say?

Are you afraid they're going to leave you? What's the roadblock that's preventing you from having these conversations and see if you can break through that? You can do it on your own right now. You can always call them to the show. Okay, this is a question from Instagram. How do you tell a girl she's bad at hand jobs,

but she really wants to finish you off? No sex. Well, I have a question for you. How do you feel if someone says you're bad at something? That doesn't feel good at all. So let's reframe this, all right? Let's first think about what you do like about her. And what does she like about you?

Meaning, one of the best ways to get what you want is to give, right? Giving is receiving. They're all connected. Have you ever talked to her about your sex life? Do you know what she's into? What could you become better at? Are you fulfilling her fantasies? Because you don't want to go right in with her like,

hey, babe, you got to give me a better hand job, right? What makes her happy? What makes her feel good? The other thing is, let's talk about handjobs for a moment. She might have a lot of experience giving hand jobs. Every penis wants something different. I'm not sure what's bad with the handjob, but you could say, oh, you know what feels really good?

Here's a bottle of lobe. Maybe you want to use this. Maybe the hand job's too dry or she's going too fast or too slow. But the thing is giving feedback also saying, hey, you know what? Using this lube might really help you there, and it feels really good to me. And then if I'm given a handjob, help me out.

Tell me. Faster, slower, tighter. I think that that's all okay. And remember the compliments so much. You want to tell her things that you really like that she's doing. I've been fantasizing about being with you again. I miss you. It's awesome.

And the next time she goes to give you a handjob, you can say, oh, look what I got. This can make this job a lot easier because you know how I'll feel about Lou. So that's I recommend. You'll get your hand jobs. And let's see what she wants your hands to be doing on her body. Okay. Okay, next call we have Monica and she's female and in her late 20s.

Monica wrote me a message at sex withemly.com slash ask Emily. She says she just got into a new relationship with a guy who wants ethical non-monogamy, but she's pretty monogamous. You've been with him for how long? Three months. Okay, you've been with him for a few months. And it's your first real relationship. Mm-hmm.

And it's not really something that you have been interested in before. So are you looking into it for this particular guy that you've just met or the more you've started to learn about Navanagamy? Do you think it's something that is interesting to you? Like, what are the intentions here? My intentions are not so much for me to find additional partners, but more to understand our relationship in this context. For me personally, it's not something I'm necessarily interested in.

I think a lot of my anxieties around like being wanted and feeling valued and all of that can kind of set me up for jealousy and can set me up for like wanting a person to be in a close bond with. Yeah. And at the same time, I really like this person. Everything has gone really, really well so far. I will say he hasn't been with anyone else since we met. So he's not like actively pursuing it right now, but it is something that like is a factor in this relationship. Well, it sounds like you know yourself really well and you're very thoughtful and you are being careful about this in the sense of you want to make sure you're doing the right thing and you're well prepared because you're asking for resources. And you know that you have challenges around jealousy and, you know, anxiety. And so I'm not sure that this experience of kind of trying to learn to be a non-monogamous partner while you stay monogamous in your first relationship. with somebody who is going to want to see other people is maybe the best way to go right now. I'd much rather have you find someone who wants to be. I know this isn't what you want to hear either, but I'd much rather have you find somebody

who wants to be monogamous right now and do that work because you're going to be worrying where he's at. I mean, he hasn't for three months, but that's like the honeymoon phase. That's the best part of any relationship, or at least it should be. And then he's going to say to you, hey, I've got a date tonight or I've got something else happening this weekend. And so I just, I would much rather have you have experience under your belt, being in a trusted, committed relationship, learning what that's about, learning your body sexually. And then maybe we can talk about non-monogamy, but I don't, I don't love the

idea of you kind of giving everything over to what this person wants before we even know what you want, Monica. Yeah. Like you said, not necessarily the answer I wanted to hear, but it makes sense. And like you're saying a lot of the things that I, you know, can certainly tell myself in the back of my head. I am curious, you know, something that we discussed up front when we talked initially about, like, you know, what are you looking for right now? He did say that he was looking for a primary partner and that the people he's been with recently have been like, you know, he's interested in them as, you know, humans and like sexually, but there hasn't been any, like, romance there, which is something that is definitely there with us. So I don't know if that makes a difference

in the way you're feeling it. No, it doesn't really because I just don't know how well you know this guy yet. He also was in his late 20s. And so he's not romantic with them, but he's just having sex with them. It just gets really, really tricky. I have to say people who are unsuccessful, non-monogamous, it's rare that I hear from people or I even know about people who choose to stay monogamous while their partner is non-monogamous. So I just don't even think this is a scenario and everything that you're telling me about your situation.

I don't think this is going to go well for you. I really don't. And I understand that you're feelings for him. But I would continue to date on your own if you can. It's hard to say that this person's not romantic and this person is romantic because when you have sex with someone repeatedly, even if it's your secondary partner, you know, you see him more often. You get closer.

You start to having more intimacy. And then for you not to have anything else to bring to that table, you're just waiting for him to come home or to see him again. A lot of the thrill and a lot of the excitement for people. in non-monogamous relationships is that both partners are benefiting by getting needs met from other partners that that primary partner can't necessarily fill, for example. I mean, sometimes the primary partner can fulfill it, but they just want variety. You know, there's a lot of different ways that these kind of relationships work, but I'm not hearing any of them well suited to where you're at right now

in your life. Yeah. I think this is going to be a long, difficult road for you. And I know you really like him, but if being monogamous is a deal breaker for him, I hope that you really start to think about what you actually want and what you're into. Because it takes, you know, how you are in these relationships successfully is excellent, rigorous communication. The other thing I'm going to say about people in non-monogamy, traditionally, it works best when they're already been monogamous for a while, like a while, not three months, but like years. And if they do come together and decide to be nomadigmas, typically both have experience with that. So you're like learning everything on the job here. Yeah, definitely. You know, Monica, I wish I could sign up here for your plan,

but I'm not going to be able to do that today. I can't co-sign on this for you. I just can't. Got it. Understood. Okay. Yeah. I want you to figure out who you are as a sexual being with a trusted partner, because that's what's going to be best for you right now. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you, Monica. Have a great day. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling. All right, guys, here's the thing. There's a lot more interest in non-monogamous relationships right now, which I love that people are realizing that doesn't make you a freak, it doesn't make you a sex addict. It just means that you're somebody who would like to have sex with consensually with more than one partner. And it can look a lot of different ways. It could be swinging or it could be with primary partners and secondary partners. However, the thing that these relationships do have is practice, community. communicating openly and honestly about your sex life and your desires and what you want, which as you know, if you've been listening, it takes some time. And these one-sided or doing it because your partner talks you into it, you know, your partner's not going to talk you into having a threesome or hope not,

calling if that's happening, talk you into fulfilling all their fantasies. Like, where's yours? Where's your needs? What kind of relationship do you want? So, again, after three months, sometimes I don't, I think we can be riding on the newness of our relationship and we don't really. I know the person well enough yet to make these kind of decisions. Let's take a quick break from the episode to talk a little bit about one of the most common sexual

concerns for men, and that's finishing too soon. First of all, if this has happened to you or your partner, you are not alone. It happens to people more often than you realize. And the real issue isn't timing. It's the pressure that comes with it. When you're worried about finishing too soon, it can pull you right out of the moment. That's why I like solutions that are simple and backed by science, like permissant delay spray. It's a doctor-recommended spray designed to help men last longer in bed by giving you more control over climax.

It's simple. You just apply it before sex and it absorbs quickly. And the coolest part is it has an anti-transfer technology, which means it won't transfer to your partner. This is such a great option to try out if you've ever worried about not being able to last long enough. Just imagine having less performance anxiety, more confidence, and more time to actually enjoy intimacy together. Because one of the most important aspects of having great sex is not really. rushing it. If you want to learn more about promescent delay spray, go to permessant.com slash sWE to get 15% off your first order. That's P-R-O-M-E-S-E-S-E-N-T-T-com

slash S-W-E or click the link in the show notes. Okay, we have Chris 38 in San Francisco. Hi. Hey, Chris, how you doing? Good. How about you, Emily? I'm good. What's going on? Thanks for calling in. Yeah, sure. to me too. So, yeah, I wanted to get your opinion on telling somebody that you have feelings for them when that other person is in a relationship already. And you have experience with that or how it could potentially go.

I understand the ramifications, the potential ramifications of it. Okay. Messing with a friendship. Well, tell me more about the situation. Yeah. So I enrolled in culinary school this past year. and we had a pretty small class. And so for the past eight months, I met this woman in culinary school.

She was also in my class. And so I was spending a lot of time with her and my other classmates. And so we've had a chance, you know, to organically get to know each other and kind of develop that friendship and chemistry and connection. And over the course of the year, it's just, you know, if you develop feelings for somebody and I want something more than a friendship. And over the course, of that time I also learned, you know, I would ask her about her relationship. I learned that she

had a boyfriend and, you know, would ask about him. And the feeling that I got was very lukewarm and just, I don't know, that sense of like, I hate to say this, but like maybe she was settling or that she could be happier and that and combined with what I felt as a connection with her. And maybe some feelings on her end kind of has me now to this point of like, oh, do I say anything? or not. How often do you guys see each other? What's your friendship like right now? Well, class just ended two weeks ago.

So we've got plans on the books with the group of class. We were a small class of eight people. So I'm going to see her Sunday. She's coming over to my house with a couple other friends. We're going to make dinner. And then her birthdays later this month, she's having a little party at her place. I'll see her then.

Do you ever get any sense from her that there's a mutual attraction or that she would take this to another level? Kind of, yes. Okay. All right. I know it's like a lukewarm answer, but... Well, but we can feel these things. So I think that if you have feelings for someone,

and it sounds like it's pretty strong and you have this bond and you've spent time together, that you're not really friends in a sense. I mean, you're friends, but it's really hard to kind of turn off the feelings you have for someone. So I think there's a way to do it that could also, though, preserve your friendship and just be really honest. And you have to be prepared for the answers as well. And I would talk to her maybe if you could go to lunch or go for coffee and just say I would, you know, I really like our friendship.

And I just want to check something with you because I will be so, I can't imagine, you know, if I didn't do this, you know, how I would feel to not have said this. But I do feel that there's a connection with us and attraction. I know you're in a relationship. I just want to put that out there now and see what she's. says. I mean, my take on is like people, this is like my own opinion is that like you're not really friends if you don't, but I see also the other side of it could be, well, that's not fair. She's in a relationship. You're going to mess it up. And how could she really be friends with you?

And that's also a risk. And so, I mean, the fact that you called in and you, you know, it seems like this is really on your mind because you could decide to just say, I'm not going to spend time with her. I'm not going to do these things. But it's, there's something happening in here where I feel like you kind of have to say it. And, you know, where are you at right now in your dating life? Yeah. So I'm divorced. I got divorced like three, two and a half years ago. And so I've been dating since then. And nothing, nothing longer than three or four months. I was enjoying a single life and just kind of having fun. But I think what's different for me now is developing the relationship over the time versus, you know, going out on a single date or, you know, learning about going through

the apps and just like, you know, that type of interaction. I also have this, this feeling that, like, I recognize from past women that I've been in love with. And I'm not saying that I'm in love with her. But I just know the gut feeling of like, you know, the butterflies and just that like, oh, it's our connection. I just feel something different than I, with her than I have with other women. Has anyone else said anything to you in class? Like they see this connection. No. No. I haven't told anybody else in class. I was constantly talking with somebody else to see if they, to see if they saw it or if they were like, no. I'm just struggling with like the respect thing. Like is it disrespectful for me to say something to somebody else who's in? And it's not like she and her

boyfriend just started dating. They live together. Okay. I mean, so you know what? I think if that's, I think you're going to see her three times in the next month. So I think you're probably going to have more information. You'll probably, you said she's having people at her house. Now, what if you get to her house and they look really happy and they're holding hands and everything seems great? Then I probably wouldn't say anything at that point. So now that we're talking more about this, I would get some more information and

see how it feels. But it is hard when someone's in a relationship and new feelings for them. But I think if you're seeing that she's in a happy place and things are good, You know, yeah, I guess that that could be seen as disrespectful. I think seeing them in person. Have you met him yet? I have. Yeah, I've met him a few times.

I've interacted with the two of them probably almost a half a dozen times. Oh, okay. How do they seem? That it solidifies my, the vibe that I get of like, oh, like they're not, they don't, they don't, not a lot of PDA. They just don't, they actually kind of seem friendly as well. So. Well, maybe she's not into PDA. That's 100% try.

We don't know. I would gather some more information before you go down this road because maybe she's perfectly happy, but I know a lot of couples you're like, they didn't touch. They didn't talk. Are they really? Because I'm such a touchy person that I look at other couples and I make assumptions based on what I would want. And maybe that's perfectly happy for her.

So I think you should from this lens, pay attention. Maybe you could ask someone in class and then you have to call back and let me know how it goes because now we're all going to be very curious. But I'm not going to tell you yes or no. My opinion on it is like gather your facts, gather your data, you know, and find out as much as you can. And then, you know, if you feel like you have to do it, you can do it respectfully or you just kind of sit on it and see what happens. Okay.

Sounds good. All right. Thanks for calling. It's a great question. Keep posted. Bye. Bye. Thanks.

Bye. That is a tough one, you guys. I feel like it's risky, you guys. It's really a moral question here. And I think it is risky if you really care about, you know, if you have a friendship. with somebody, you want to tread lightly, be respectful of someone's commitment and someone's relationship. And so I guess what I would say to him, he could continue to be a good friend to her while still dating and going out and seeing other people and seeing how it evolves, seeing if there's

ever any cracks in the relationship and she starts to share with him. Maybe that would be more of an appropriate time. I don't know, guys, we also decide and try to be the best people that we can be. but I think continuing to be a good friend is probably the right way to go. We have Rachel 32 in New York. Hello. Hi, Rachel. How are you? I'm good.

How are you doing? I'm good. Thank you so much for calling in. Yeah, of course. In my family history, there's a lot of Crohn's, colitis, really fun stomach issues. I don't have any of those, but, which is great. I've definitely had some butt issues in the past. Hemorrhoids, internal, external, in general sitting in the bathroom, which we should normalize.

But more recently, I had a more serious hemorrhoid, which I then had to have a little bit of outpatient surgery. And whenever I hook up with guys, and I'm talking about within the first month, cleared by a doctor, it's, I just, I feel so embarrassed, right? Like, are they noticing this externals anything? How do I get to a place where I'm comfortable feeling okay, talking about it? Because he wants to say, like, oh, great, we've been on four dates. We're having a grand old time. And guess what?

Like, that thing is like a skin tag. Yeah, I think, first off, I don't think that people notice what we think that they notice. And yeah, I have to say, get comfortable talking about it. I have skin tags. I'll say like, oh, that's a skin tag. Like I say those things. I dated a partner with Crohn's and he was like, I just want you know. I have Crohn's.

I'm like, okay, like you just told me this is what it is. And so I think that the more you get comfortable just stating it, it shouldn't be shameful. And it shouldn't be embarrassing. I understand why it is. Don't get me wrong, Rachel. I get that no one wants to leave with butt stuff, like as far as like this is my problem. But I think if you're going to be having sex with someone, you're going to be naked. if you just say it like, oh, that's this thing that happened to me.

You know, this scar I have or this skin tag, you said, from the... Yeah, like a mixture of all. Yeah, just say, oh, yeah, I had some skin tag. I mean, I think that that's it. The more casual you are about it and the more like not apologizing, not I know it's ugly, I know it's weird. And we did a great episode with Ina Park. She's a doctor and she wrote a book about STDs and she talks about disclosing medical information,

disclosing if you have an STI or STD. It's basically like having no shame. in STDs and STIs because we just, we have to normalize it and this is how it starts. So I understand that it's, it might be awkward, but it sounds to me like you're still able to have sex. It's more the cosmetics of it you're concerned about, like how it looks. Completely. It's how it looks.

Are they noticing it? And then obviously it's something that's been an issue my whole life. So it's something that personally I need to work on, of course. Yeah. How do I feel comfortable speaking about it to someone I barely know? I know. well, I think that's, I think you get comfortable speaking about it by speaking about it. When you start to say the things that you think you cannot say, you'll find that there are the

people who are like, wow, thank you for sharing. Oh, I know someone who had that same situation. And your people, the ones that you want to be with and that you want, do you have sex with and be intimate and having your life as friends or lovers are not the ones that are going to make you feel bad, they're going to judge you, that are going to stigmatize you and make you feel less than. I think we all have all this huge fear that everyone's going to just shut us down. And I just say they're doing you a favor because they're not your person. Yeah. You know, I've dated people with STIs and they're just like, oh, I want you know.

I have herpes. This is what I do. I take a daily suppressant. I'm like, great. Like there's something to be said for just stating it outright. It takes away all the stigma around it. It makes it less shameful. And it just matter of fact.

And I think that's sexy actually, somebody who. is powerful and strong and states it. And you'll find when you say that to some partners, they might have their own things to share with you. So all I can say is it's a practice, but one that gets a lot easier. And you'll feel so much more empowered and ready for what's to come in your life when you can start to have those kind of conversations.

Yeah, that's great advice. Because I think I'm always thinking, what, you know, of course everyone's thinking, what are they looking at, what all these things? and do they notice these things? Right. And we all think that, Rachel, that's the thing. And I think it's a really old message.

I'm not saying that there aren't people out there who still judge. But I think that where we're going today towards more body positivity and people just kind of being really real about their mental health and their physical health, I just hope that the majority of people are going to say, great. All right. And so thanks for telling me. And let's get down to business. But people who have that shocked look or they're, you know what I mean?

Just my heart goes out to them. haven't had a lot of experience with compassion or empathy or they're kind of in a very superficial place if that's going to if that's going to be the reason why someone leaves you thank God they did it for that because who cares yeah yeah definitely I think even writing into you I couldn't even believe I did it I was like in a bad place I just had the outpatient surgery and I was like and I was kind of hooking up with this guy and like avoiding waiting a week until I was cleared and I was just like You know what? Her podcast's awesome. There are so many things that I pull from this. And I'm just going to email her. Well, it was really, really brave. And I can't tell you how many people this is

going to help. So I appreciate you calling in and being honest and vulnerable with me. And I want you to let me know how it goes. But thank you so much. I really appreciate it. That's a big step. Yeah. I agree. Thank you so much. Of course. Have a great night. Thank you. Bye, Rachel. The things that we think we cannot say, that's what's holding a lot of us back. Remember, if someone rejects you for something silly like that, they are not your person. I would love to get rid of these old stereotypes that say, like, we have to be perfect and everything has to look great like it does on social media when everything's like airbrush. So the more you can be your own best advocate for who you are, what you want, and not make

apologies. If you're direct, honest, and open, you're going to find that you're going to attract more of those people into your life. speak your part, love yourself, at least like yourself, okay? Do it with me. This is from Anonymous 29 in Northern California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been having sex with the FWB, or Friends with Benefits, about eight months. Since coming back together, our expectations of each other have been great. You both have great orgasms. The only thing is, she doesn't smell great. And I know it's not to smell like daisies, but to the extent that she's one of the best sexual partners I've

ever had, she's also equally some of the worst I've ever smelled. I want to go down on her. I thoroughly enjoy going down in a woman, but I just don't know what to do about the smell and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I once asked her what she liked and what she wanted more of, and you guessed it. She wants me to go down on her sometimes. I don't have the heart to tell her, but I don't do it because of the smell. I love your show. What do I do? Not an easy conversation to have at all. Sometimes women have odors and they don't know it. And the biggest concern here is it might be because of an infection. She could have something called bacterial vaginosis, which is simply an overgrowth of bacteria

that can be caused from having a few sexual partners. It can also be caused from, like, douching or, you know, cleaning with some products that have a bad reaction and the bacteria in her vagina is getting disrupted. All right. So how do you let her know? And again, this is outside the bedroom. not when you're fooling around having sex that will totally take her out of the moment. But what you want to say is, listen, I love going down on you.

You know how much I love pleasing you, right? We got to, like, leave this stuff. And I need to talk to you about something. It's really uncomfortable, but I'm a little bit worried about your health. Lately, I've noticed that there is an odor, and I've done a little bit of research that it could be something that you could just take care of, go see your gynecologist. It could be something called bacterial vaginosis. And I love going down on you. I can't wait to do it again.

but would you be open to going to see your doctor? And that's what you say. And honestly, this is just showing that you care about her well-being. I mean, think about it. We get over the awkwardness, but really, if someone said this to me, I'd be like, oh, he actually cares about me. He's not using it as an excuse why he's never going to go down on me again, because that would be the end of that relationship. But someone's saying, listen, I really care about your well-being, and here's what I found out. I'd be like, okay, awkward, but yeah, you're right, and let me call my gynecologist.

Peace out. That's what you do. Thanks for the email. Okay, we've got Sarah 35 female in New York. Hey, Sarah. Hi, Emily. I wanted to get your advice on being braver around initiating. I have in a great relationship, long term, I've been married for almost six years now. And we've been together longer than that. And my husband, he's great. He's amazing. I'm like, I feel like we're just in a season of life where like I seem to want sex more than him, which I know is fine. But I feel like I'm freezing up.

Like I think about wanting to have sex. And I like, I'm like, oh, I should do it. I'm in the mood. Like, he's just sitting there. And then I come up with all these reasons in my head of why I shouldn't do it. Like, oh, like now it's not a good time. He's busy. Like a million things I talk myself about.

Okay, yeah, let's help you here. So who is initiating right now when it does happen? Is your husband mostly initiating? No, it's mostly me. Okay. So has something happened when you've initiated and it just hasn't gone right? Not really that I can pinpoint. I mean, he's rarely turned me down.

I mean, the only thing I can think of is that, like, I just maybe in the back of my mind, think, like, he'll think badly of me or, like, you know. Okay. Things that we were told growing up, like women are not supposed to want sex or, I don't know. I feel like if I'm initiating, he's going to think like, oh, she's like ready to go for penetration and like that's not what I want, you know. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. This is a great thing, topic that you're bringing up right now because it's really, really common in relationships that someone's initiating, someone's not. We tell ourselves stories. Like what is that, you know, so what I love here is that you, Sarah, are aware of what you're thinking in the moment, like that it might be shame. or it might be. I'm not supposed to do this. So that's great. What is your communication like with your husband about your sex life? So I do try to talk to him about it. I love all of your advice.

I love, you know, talking about it outside the bedroom. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to talk about it. And I feel like I'm the one like nagging him. And so then like it tends to be like, I'll try a little bit. And then he seems resistant to talking about he'll do a little bit at a time. but like it's sometimes it's too much around. So, yeah, like that maybe is playing into it as well. Okay. Well, I feel like there's a lot of these stories here. I always say like you got to check a story.

It could be a lot of things. It could be the fact that he's not initiating. Maybe there's also part like, why isn't he initiating? Or you feel you're the only one going after it. No one wants to be the only one carrying the weight in the relationship. And also the fact that you feel like he doesn't really want to talk about it. Some people just aren't as comfortable talking about sex. okay I would say majority of us aren't comfortable talking about sex and so and so what you're reading

into is like he only has a short attention span for it or he gets to his limit and so these are all the things that I think would be so good to check with him and say I want to have a conversation with you and you know compliment sandwich here's the things that I've been loving about it and I think you could be honest that your husband of six years I find myself lately freezing up and I'm thinking about you and I get turned on and I'm sitting in the other room and I want to have sex but I have all these thoughts that run through my head. And I want to talk to you about them, but I've also felt lately

that maybe you're not as open to having our conversations. So is there any truth to that? Can you let me know where you're at with our sex life? Yeah. You could talk about A, you could start with the communication. So you have two choices you could say, I just want to talk about our communication around sex. I feel like we haven't talked about it lately.

What's on your mind about it? Anything you've been wanting to try, you could start very basic, like what are your fantasies? You could play with it a little bit and kind of get you both going without the pressure of we need to talk. Yeah. Say, hey, I've been listening to Sex with Emily. This is what I got.

We haven't done this lately. Wouldn't this be fun? Let's have a glass of wine and talk about our sex life. And then you could have a go from there. Or you could say to him, I've been wanting to try it. And I feel like it just hasn't been the right time. And I've got some of these thoughts. Is there any truth to that?

I just need to check this with you. It's really just conversations. Yeah. Because I'm sure he probably appreciates that you're initiating and wants to have sex. It sounds like it. he's not saying no. Right. Is there a party that feels like he really wants to be saying no? No, I don't think so. Yeah. Good. Okay. So really it's just your thoughts and maybe you need some,

like more of a dialogue with him. And I'll bet if you can get him to open up more about it and see it's not so scary to talk about sex, then, you know, maybe he'll get going again. Because remember, it's a muscle. Like the more that you bring it up and not weight, the better you're going to feel. And the more he can maybe understand, you can let him know how it makes you feel when that happened. Not to make them feel bad, but say it made me feel less encouraged to initiate or less encouraged to bring up these conversations. Is there something we could do to make this conversation more comfortable for you?

You know, just because it's okay. You're totally, I love that you called me and I love that you want to continue to these conversations because that's the only way it's going to get better and you're going to get your needs met. Definitely. Yeah. And another thing you could say, I think about initiating. Do you have any fantasies about me initiating?

Like, does he have a moment that you're like, what would, be your ideal scenario for me initiating? And you could say, well, I'd love you to surprise me or walk in in that great outfit or, you know? Yeah, because I think I did, you're right. I think if I did have like clear directions or something that he was looking forward to that, that I would feel more confident in it. It's very helpful. Thank you so much. And I thank you for all of your advice. I listen all the time and I meditate, masturbate, manifest. I'm here for it all. Oh, good, Sarah. Thank you for calling in.

Thank you so much. It was really good to see you and talk to you. Keep it posted. Okay. Have a great night. Bye, Sarah. You know, that's a really common thing that comes up for a lot of couples are on initiating sex.

Either we try to initiate, our partner rejected us, and we feel really bad about it, and we feel like, well, I'm not going to do it again because we don't want to be rejected. If you think about it, if no one's initiating, there is zero sex happening. So whether it's talking to your partner about what would be a hot initiation scene or getting to the root of why you feel that it's not okay to initiate

are all really great roadblocks to clear out that will make it a lot easier for you in the future to start having the sex that you desire. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something.

It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.