Sex With Emily - The Sex Lives of College Students

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

What do you wish you knew about pleasure when you were in college? Maybe it's how to please yourself? Or the signs of sexual incompatibility? Or maybe you just need permission to break up? I answer your questions all about sex in college. From making casual hookups more stimulating, to embracing queerness in heteronormative spaces, to simply finding your people - I give the advice we all wish we could tell our younger selves. I also asked for your hottest college sex stories, and you absolutely understood the assignment. All this and more on today’s best of show.Show Notes:Sexiest Gift Guide Ever: Emily’s Picks for 2022 HolidaysArticle: A Submissive’s Guide to Being DominantPromescent Delay Spray & Arousal GelArticle: Is Casual Sex Right For You?Article: 7 Books to Teach Your Kids About Queer Sex & Identity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I want to normalize people talking about sex when you're with someone whether it's one time or five times and you're like How was that what you maybe your breakfast after if you do Yeah, right, you're like I got eggs here. It's good. Let's go get brunch You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what do you wish you knew about pleasure when you were younger? Maybe it's how to please yourself? I wish I knew that, or the signs of sexual incompatibility. Or maybe you just need permission to break up. I answer your questions all about sex in college, for making casual hookups more

stimulating, to embracing queerness in the heteronormative spaces, to simply finding your people. I give the advice we all wish we could tell our younger selves. I also ask for your hottest college sex stories, and you absolutely understood the assignment. All this and more on today's best of show. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, I wanna start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to tell you what I wish my younger self knew about sex,

but even if you graduated from college years ago, this advice can help anyone navigating sexual unknowns to be more confident with their pleasure. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, A Submissive Guide to Being Dominant is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, Social Media, and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com

slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show and is totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's show is presented by Promessant. I'll tell you more of why I'm such a fan of their quality products at the end of this show, so stick around. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Before I get into your questions and calls, here's a few things I wish I knew in college. Oh, so many things. I mean, I think that hook-up culture is definitely thriving, although some people think hook-up culture hasn't really changed and it's always been there.

But I just wanted to find what I think hook-up culture is. It's not so much everyone's having sex with everyone else, but more of a normalization of people having one-night stands or hooking out with people without being in defined relationships. So I just want to encourage all of you to pay attention to what you want and you don't have to fit into what everyone's doing, don't have sex to check it off the list, people are going to get drunk and sex, and that's real. But what I wish I knew in college was more about orgasms and pleasure and my body, and I'd never masturbated before.

You know, I know a lot of you, and I thought this two guys were gonna like me more if I hooked up with them. You'll find your people, I promise you will. You know, college really is the perfect time to explore your sexuality, and experience a lot of different things and figure out what you like. Maybe it's the first time you've

been living away from home without your family so you really are able to experiment sexually, but here are some quick easy rules to follow that will help you and your partners have more pleasure and just kind of minimize all those awkward situations. Get to know the person first. Not just me, but studies have shown that the more connected sex we have, it's definitely the more pleasurable. And masturbate. Play with yourself. Figure out what you like. Don't be shy to try a toy and to start getting your sex on. It's so nice to know and be enthusiastic about the situations you're getting into sexually., consent can be

sexy. It really can. I mean, think about all the pressure that comes from not knowing what your partner wants. So again, the more you can practice enthusiastic consent, you should be sane, which means sober, and ongoing. Every time you get to consent to what you want, just because you wanted something last time, doesn't mean this time. Also, think about what you're looking for and be okay communicating that. If you're not interested in a committed relationship or you're just looking to date around and have fun, be honest, be kind and set expectations with whoever you're with. My first color is Riley. 21 in Chicago, who loves everything about our boyfriend, except he's pretty vanilla and

bed. Hi, Riley. Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling. Thanks. I'm great. How are you? I'm good. All right. How can I help you? I am in close to two-year relationship with my boyfriend and we're both 21 and it's like our first series relationship. We started dating prior to the pandemic. He's a great boyfriend, like an overall good relationship. However, he is so vanilla with sex. And I have tried everything. And I tell you, I have tried everything.

I mean, we've probably had a conversation 30 plus times. I am on him as all the time. And the thing is, he has no fantasies. He has no desires., like he is just satisfied with plain sex. And I have tried to be okay, and I have tried slowly everything. So for example, like it took a year for him to joke, to use even like a tie and bed. Okay. This is this crazy. And the thing is he's willing to do it because I've talked to him, or you've said I should, all this stuff,

but it doesn't turn me on if I have to ask him to do it, and the thing is he'll do it once, and not again. So I have to ask again, and the thing is, I'm not gonna marry this guy. He's a boyfriend, but it comes down to, I don't know if I should stay with him when I'm like this young

and I'm not going to marry him or not because he's not going to change. And I've never been with a man with such a not that's a bad thing, but like average sex desire. Like I've tried and like I've sent him photos in lingerie and the response I get is cute. Okay. Honestly, Riley, you're so funny. I, I, I, there's a thing. You guys are both 21. Maybe he's not a sexual. I mean, that's just, that just happens. I know that we are told that men want sex all the time and you send them a naked photo or they're going to flip out. Oh my god, they're going to get their car and drive right over. But like, it's just, you're finding out right now, which is amazing that you are not sexually compatible, that you have a growth mindset around sex and he does not.

And to me, he might be your best friend and you love him and it's been a great relationship, but no, I think that this is, and you know you're not gonna marry him, you're not telling me why I really want to have kids in the next year. So I think you kind of have your answer. You want somebody who's like adventurous and open

and wants to try things and wants to have conversations. It sounds like you listen to the podcast. So I don't, you've been having the conversations and you've been really trying. But I believe that most people have that mindset around sex. Like the people who feel like I don't want to try anything new or they're going a little bit shut down about our little bit more of vanilla,

there's a lot beneath the surface. Could be the way he was raised in a religious home. He could have been shamed for something sexually growing up. We just don't know. So he'd have to go in and do his work and he'd have to want to change. And then he'd have to go into therapy and unpack it,

which I believe is our entire everyone's going that path. If you don't go in, now you're going to go on it later. So what I love is that you're 21 and you're figuring this out. So no, I say you have your answer. I don't think it's just about the sex. There's probably other ways, right? And the other things in the relationship too that just... Yeah, I think I'm just so comfortable with him.

And I tried to break up with him, but it is hard because he is good. My family loves him. And I think I'm afraid because I'm like, is there wrong for me to walk away to want this, like my girlfriends who are single have so much fun in like these experiences, like, she's like this guy whipped out like these bed restraints and like this chest full of toys.

And I'm like, holy crap, like I would kill for that. Like are you kidding me or explaining my dream right now? And like the best that I could get is like, well the grass is always greener. Let me just tell for that. Like, are you kidding me? You're explaining my dream right now. I'm like, the best that I could get is like, well, the grass is always greener. Let me just tell you that. It's like, you think when you're single, there's going to be all this great sex. And I think that it's great.

Yeah, if someone whips out a thing of toys and stuff, that's fun, but making sure that you're getting your pleasure to and you're getting your needs met. Because sometimes the sex just ran, a lot of random sex could just be random sex and you're not really connecting with people. You're really drunk and you don't really remember what is going on. I don't think it's either or that's going to be so much better.

You're going to be calling back in a year maybe with some other questions, which is totally cool or maybe a few months or now. It just sounds like you might have grown this. You've learned the lessons you need to learn. You're having conversations with them about sex in a healthy way. You're not just saying, no, why'm like, why don't we try this? Or why don't you do that? You're like listening to what he's into.

And he's like, I'm not, I don't think about it. I don't masturbate. So yeah, I mean, the next step if you said you wanted to stay with them, I'd say, well, then go into therapy together. Start talking about these things. But I don't think this is your problem to be fixed. Sounds like you're ready to go out and fly. Have some freedom.

Yeah, I think I have to hear it from you, honestly, because that's what I've heard with a lot of people, just hard, obviously, but yeah. Well, I'm glad I can sign on that, there, co-sign that. That's what I think. It sounds like you know, and he's going to be broken-hearted, and you're going to miss him, and maybe you'll go back and sleep with him again, you know, you do things.

But I think it sounds like you should take some time of just exploring who you are sexually and otherwise. I'm sure you've grown in two years that you've been with them too. Thank you so much. I love your product. Thanks, Riley. Have a good day. I appreciate you.

Bye. When you get to a point where your partner just says, no, like, I'm not into sex or I'm not into talking about sex or I'm not into talking about our relationship, if you're someone who's trying to have a conversation with somebody that you want to build something with and they just shut you down and they're not willing to open and up and discuss, to share and to grow, I mean, how much work do you want to do in it?

Now, I get once you're married and have kids and you're parenting together. There's a lot more at stake, but in your 20s or 30s or whatever you 540s, if you're just on a path right now to find a partner, and they are already saying, I don't want to talk about it, I'm not going to invest in sex, I'm not going to invest in conversations, whether you have your answers right there. The people who just don't want to have a growth mindset around sex and don't want to talk

about sex, like there should be a dating app for those people. But all of you who listen to the show and realize that there's a whole world out there, and the only thing that's keeping you from having incredible sex and connection is communication, you know, you know that like that's totally possible for you. So I don't often say just like, yeah, you should dump this person or break up with them. But you know, the case is pretty clear. I think that that's some pretty great binaries. If your person isn't into talking and shuts it down.

You know there are choice, but to go find someone who will. This is from Clover, 21 in North Carolina, and she's a female. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have an easy time getting turned on and getting off when I'm home alone. The whole time I'm thinking about the guy I'm seeing and how hot he is. However, when we're in person having sex, I'm so in my head thinking about it. If I look okay or if you feel good, that it makes it really difficult to orgasm, how do I really focus on being in the moment and not get caught up in how I look, what it sound like, and how he is doing every single second.

Thank you. Okay, Clover, I love, love, love that you're asking this question at 21, because this is a practice, one that so many of us need to do. I didn't even know at 21 that it was okay to focus on my pleasure. I literally only thought, what is my partner want, what looks good to them and what feels good to them. And it really is a challenge to be truly and deeply present with one person. If you really, you know, you like this guy and you wanna kind of practice being present,

you could tell him how much you think about him when you're home touching yourself. You could dirty talk it to him, you could text him and say, I've been thinking about you and you can get really specific on what you're thinking about. Then you'll be more engaged and present in the moment, especially if you do it in real time. You could also practice the mutual masturbation

so you're both getting off together and you know, he can see what feels good to you and you can see what feels good to him. It's just one of my favorite show and towels is mutual masturbation. And finally, a great trick for you is when you're getting distracted and you find yourself pulled away from the moment because you're having these thoughts is to remember my five senses rules. And what you got to do is focus on your five senses in the moment. What are you hearing in the moment? Maybe you're hearing some a playlist

or listening to your partner's breath. What are you smelling? What are you tasting? What are you touching? How does your hands feel on their skin? What are you seeing? And when we anchor ourselves in those five senses, we can't help but be in the moment because our mind can't wander when we're truly present and focus on what we feel. And focusing on the senses is pleasurable. And you might have to do it a few times or ten times when you're having sex, but eventually it'll become a practice and you'll be able to ground yourself in the present moment. All right, Clover.

Thanks for your email and let me know how it goes. This is from Hunter 19 in Detroit, Michigan, and she's a female. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a virgin in college. It feels like everyone around me is having sex. I'm confident with myself, and I don't feel the need to lose it to a piece of other people. But with that said, I've received a lot of shit from my decision. What's your opinion on virginity? Why is it such a stigma? Also, I want to hook up with people just not of sex. I often lose guys once they know I'm not willing to put out. How can I still have fun Why is it such a stigma? Also, I want to hook up with people just not of sex. I often lose guys once they know I'm not willing to put out.

How can I still have fun? Well, also staying true to myself. I love your show and thank you. So here's a thing Hunter. First off, I don't like the word virginity. I'd like to call it a sexual debut. Because virginity just has all these connotations that most of them aren't true,

that we lose our virginity as someone else. It's not about empowerment. It's not about a debut, because that's when you get to decide that you're ready to express your sexual self. And people are always going to try to get you to do what they're doing, so they feel better about themselves. Promise is going to continue until adulthood. It's like when you're older and you're married friends start asking, so when are you going to get married? There's going to be pressure, but the people who are your people are just going to accept that you are doing you. And the guys that you lose are your win and their loss, because I'm telling you that the pursuit of sex over connection gets really old really fast. And when there's

so much emphasis right now on college, on hooking up and blacking out, there is very little room for having great pleasurable sex. I'm so glad that you love the podcast, which means that you know that the most pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience come from real connection and real trust. So it's not that your peers are wrong,

they're just going along with the crowd or maybe they just, you know, haven't really. So it's not that your peers are wrong, they're just going along with the crowd or maybe they just, you know, haven't really questioned why it's important for them to have a sex right now. But I believe that you're making the most excellent decision about being you and saying true to what feels right. A problem is that you will find people that don't just want to have sex that will be interested in a hook-up that doesn't lead to penetration. It's not just about that penetration. And you, Ghanter, get to decide when it's going to happen and who's invited. Let's talk to Benny, 19 in Los Angeles, who's wondering how to make one nightstands more

pleasurable. Hi, Benny. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? What's going on? Not much. I'm just mostly like my you? What's going on? Not much. Most of my sexual activity in high school is always in relationships and stuff like that,

where there's a lot of time to figure out what each person liked and what people didn't like. And now that I'm in college, there's most of the time I go with you. It's like once or twice maybe. Right. And so I was thinking about how to make those experiences more enjoyable. Yeah, it's a great question.

So you're saying if it's just a quick hook up or a one night stand, how do I make that great sex for both of you? That's a really good question. Well, first let me say this, that studies have shown the best sex we're gonna have, the most pleasurable sex the most connected sex is not sex that's

random and that we it's actually it's the sex when it's when it's with someone we trust Some of we can totally let go and be ourselves and I can show you all my crazy sides and we know each other So but if you're with someone the one night stand or it's just, you know, it's just gonna be casual, I would limit, if you wanted to be quality, I would limit the alcohol because what I'm seeing college campuses is that you get blackout drunk or you get drunk or you have sex

and it's just a random hook up and it might be fun. Like it's like, oh my God, it was a surprise. We hooked up in the bar, we had sex in the bar bathroom or we had sex outside, you know, whatever. Like we went, sex in my car, whatever the crazy stuff you do in college. And that's all great stories and they're really fun. But for sex, that's like amazing. And if you're with women, like it's a little bit different, like for women, I would say that the way you're always going to make it an improvement for, I don't want to speak for every woman, but the

majority of them is by slowing down, going three times slower than you think. And that's with kissing, that's with undressing her, kiss her slowly, go down on her first, not waiting for her to give you a blowjob first. Now I get that some college women aren't comfortable with guys going down on them. That's kind of right here, because they haven't had a lot of experience. But even if it's just not with your mouth, but with your hands and you get to know her vulva, like get to know her vagina, her vulva, like turning her on, telling her she's hot

and you're attracted to her if you really are. And I think that that's the whole four-play thing we talk about. Lots of us even just crave that early stage when it's anticipation. Is it going to happen? So my advice would be communicating, slowing down, calling after, not just ghosting. I feel like for a lot of experiences, it's like, it's not much more rare, but it's definitely more rare

in like a college experience in general for like girls to actually finish from like a one night stand. And so it was more of like, they don't. One question in my mind if there's something like, and I know there's no like, oh, do this. And every girl's gonna finish forever. Your whole life, you're done.

So I guess it's more just like curiosity of like, because there's times, there's a lot of times where I feel like if I'm having sex with a girl, I'm like, oh, it seems like she's about to finish, but I'm not really sure what I should do to like, like if I'm not in a relationship with a girl where it's like, oh, it seems like she's about to finish, but I'm not really sure what I should do to like, like if I'm not in a relationship with the girl, it's like, I'm like, oh, I don't really know what I should do right now to make sure she finishes or something like that.

Because I wasn't sure if there's any like, there's no great to every woman's different, but I would say the longer you can focus on her pleasure, whether it's with your fingers, or your hands, or your mouth, and asking her what she's into, what she likes. I think that's how you know, because every woman's different. Challenges, most young women don't know what they like,

they don't know what they want, and they may never have had an orgasm at your age. I know there's times like, I'll go to a party, and then like, I end up having sex with a girl, and then I would text them, we'd hang out, and then it then it'd be like okay I guess this isn't gonna happen again so it was just something that they just right because they were drinking or whatever and what do you want right now Betty it's very clear to me that like when I'm happiest and when the sex is the best and like the connection is the best is

when I'm with the same person for yeah while. Yeah, no. And I think that's exactly how we opened this. Is it that's the case for the majority of people? Yeah. Is it if you want to have like depth and you want to have a really connected sex that's hot and you know each other's vibes and bodies. It's going to take a little bit while you don't just like walk in and know someone. So there's no like magic moves I can tell you. I can't say though if you're doing something

and it looks like it feels good in the moment, if it's working and she's like, that feels good or don't stop, keep doing that. So it's not like, it's like one of those things where it's like, if it looks like feeling good, whatever you're doing, like don't go hard or don't go fat like to. Don't go hard, yes.

So she says, don't stop. It's like, don't move, don't change, don't do anything.'re doing that. Yeah. But I have to say that I love that you're so thoughtful and that you're asking these questions because I think that many, again, though, you're in a difficult place because I think a lot of women haven't done that, that work yet to figure themselves out. But I think if you like pay attention and you're present and you maybe limit your drinking just to a little bit so you can remember shit. But I mean, the main thing that I can tell you when I tell the people, wallet is like it's communication,

it's paying attention, it's just being, I think that being a good lover is actually paying attention and that you're both really investing to those pleasure. Communication's huge. What I'm trying to say, and you can help me now because you're in college and this is where I want it to start. I want to normalize people talking about sex

when you're with someone, whether it's one time or five times and you're like, how was that? What, maybe you're a breakfast after if you do breakfast. And you're like, yeah, right? You're like, I got eggs here. You're like, let's go get brunch. But I think it's just like, so what, how was it? Like it was really hot.

So I want to ask you a question. It seemed like you were really turned on and seemed like you were about seven orgasms. Is that true? Have you orgasm? Have you masturbated? And I know this sounds like they might not be ready for that. I'll bet you might be the first guy that asked them.

But I asked how women, I tell all my listeners to do this because like, why can't we talk about it, right? There's been times where I know the sex that was like better in the moment. So it's like, I'm more comfortable to do that. But I feel like it's almost more important. I feel like, oh, that wasn't great. But like, let's see how we can improve that.

Like I can ask it's like a better time to ask. Exactly. But it's all great. It's all great to ask. Like if it wasn't, you can say, okay, I want to be honest, I know it was our first time. I've learned that it's not great the first time we were drunk or whatever you seem uncomfortable.

But yeah, was that moment? In that moment, I felt like maybe you were pulling away. Is that right? And then she would just feel like, my God, you paid attention and you cared. And that's actually how you're going to learn. I guess there's definitely a lot to be learned too. If it's like, there's times when the first time like girls were just like, oh, that was so good.

Like usually on websites. It's really bad. But I don't really ask questions like why? Like, I probably should be like, why are you saying that was great. Yeah so tell me what was good about it. I just want to know like I want to know what made it great and she yeah how fun and then you're good that's how you become a better lover. Because then you're going to take that data to every other person you sleep with and you're just going to get your first all you're going to comfortable talking about sex with your lovers

and you're also going to learn a thing or two. You're not, again, everyone's different, everyone wants something different, but, you know, just you might get useful tips because having sex with a new partner is, you kind of pull from all your tool, like after you have a lot of sex with people over time or relationships, you know, you think your toolbox, you're like, oh, oh, that one time that one woman like the thing I do with my tongue or she likes when I kissed her respect spanked her You know, it's like well, you don't know so you're just gonna be gathering data and so now just more research Yeah, and more being present and being a good guy seem like you are

All right, well, that's good. Okay. All right Thanks, Benny. I appreciate you. Yeah, thanks for calling Thank you. Bye. Bye. I love Benny's call listen It is never too soon to start learning about sex and communication. I wish I had a boyfriend in college at 19 who was like, how was that for you? Did you like it? What were you into? I might have been encouraged to masturbate a lot quicker and to really think about my sexuality

and to think about what I wanted. So I think that this is for everybody, all genders, you should feel comfortable if you're gonna have sex with someone and you're naked in a room together. Which is a pretty intimate thing to do. Should also feel comfortable talking about the sex and you know I feel like you should do it outside the bedroom when you're bronch or hanging out again.

But I think that it's an interesting information to get together, to learn about yourself. It's like performance reviews, but you could think of it as in a positive way, right? Remember, these reviews, you're like, well, you sucked at this or you were bad at that. You try to keep it positive and you try to just keep it light. Here's some constructive criticism. I mean, it's such a great opportunity because you're going to learn how to ask for what you want.

And you're also going to have the practice of healthy communication. And we're always learning, we're never done learning whether you're also going to have the practice of healthy communication and we're always learning, we're never done learning whether you're 19 or 39. This is a practice I want everyone to engage in. Starting today. After the break I'll be sharing tips with collars. I wish I had when I was anywhere. This is from Zoe and she's 19. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm wondering if I could get some advice. Me and my boyfriend are 19 and we've been together three years. We have a healthy relationship with open communication and great sex.

However, last night he said he wants to experience other sexual partners, but he doesn't want to lose me. He's never had sex with anyone else and neither have I. It was a hard conversation to have, but I opened up the possibility of a threesome or group sex. I don't want him having sex with other people. If I'm not there because I don't want an open relationship or for us to have separate lives outside of each other, but I don't want to lose him and I don't want an open relationship or for us to have separate lives outside of each other. But I don't want to lose him and I don't want to break up with him.

I'm also not comfortable with him having vaginal sex with another woman. I'm not sure what to do because our relationship is thriving. He just doesn't want to miss out on casual sex that many other people in our age group have. What do you think would be best for us to do? We don't want to lose each other.

I'm not sure how to navigate. Let me know. Okay, I totally understand where you're coming from. You're in love, it's great sex, why rock the boat, and I do think at your age, it will be harder to have an open relationship without having the wisdom that comes with being with multiple people.

This is your first lover and your first serious relationship. But as hard as it might be to hear right now, it might be best to break up or to separate and experience other people. Because again, navigating a threesome and you're already having these feelings around him being with other people, it's going to be difficult at this time in your life, especially because it's your first boyfriend. I just think that trying to do it to please him and then having these workarounds that you

don't want vaginal sex, but you understand that he might want just to play with someone. I think it's gonna be really hard, and it might delay the potential inevitable, which is that you're both gonna want to experiment with other people at some point. And I believe that you're gonna want that. And I think it's actually important too,

because what if you only had pizza for dinner, right, your whole life? Like age like 10 to 20 and someone's like, do you wanna try chicken and you only eat pizza? You're like, well, pizza's great. I can have pizza breakfast, lunch, and dinner because it's all you know. And then you're like, chicken, what?

You know, and then you try, you're like, oh, maybe I can, you know, mix in some chicken and then you start tasting other foods. And that's kind of what happened with our sex life. We get really connected. You have an emotional connection to him and intimacy. And you love him and your best friends. And you know each other.

Part of being in our twenties is learning who we are as sexual beings, what turd is on, what feels good, what do we want sexually, what do we want in a relationship. And you'll find that dating other people that maybe there's things that you didn't necessarily love about this relationship or things that you'd prefer on another, but you didn't have the experience to know and to ask for it. It's like when we stay with one person for a long time before we've dated other people, we don't know what's on the menu, we don't know the other flavors, the other

tastes, the other meals, and that is what sex is. It's about going and trying and exploring. So even though separating from him is could really, really hurt, it will set you up to be free on your own journey. Thank you, Zoe. This is from Mary 21 in New Hampshire. Hey, Dr. Emily, new listener here,

so I don't know if you've answered something like this. I love your podcast, by the way. To give you some background, I dated someone from 16 to 18 years old and he ended up cheating on me and said it was because he felt we weren't having enough sex. It was kind of a lot to hear at 17 years old and now it's just embedded in my brain. I spent my college years not dating but having sex with different people a couple times and leaving it at that. That's what I wanted to do. But now I'm ready to start actually dating people.

What I'm struggling, because I'm feeling like if I meet someone when I'm out and don't ask them to come back with me, it's just going to end with that. I'm rooting my chances of making genuine connections with people, because we end up sleeping together, then it just becomes a hook up, and then I don't want to end up being labeled as clingy because I ask to see them again. I feel like my generation does everything backwards. We have sex with people for a while, then start dating, and I don't really want to do that. And I'm feeling weird about it. Maybe I'm not meeting the right man, or maybe it's me, and I'm giving out this vibe, I just want to sleep with them. I don't know, I'm hoping you can give me some words of wisdom. Thanks Dr. Emily. All right, Mary. Well, you nailed it. Listen, the earliest messages we hear about sex and yours was at 17 and usually it's something negative we hear about our sexual performance or who we are

in a relationship and you heard we're not having enough sex. So when you were 17, Mary, it did get embedded in your brain that, oh, well, that just means I'm gonna go out and have a lot of sex, which you did, but now you are questioning it, which makes sense. And so I just wanna say it's great that you understand your patterns and know you wanna change.

You know, to change your patterns, you have to change your beliefs. So your belief system right now is that you're someone who didn't have enough sex, and also that you're only valuable to men because you have sex with them. Those are beliefs that you have, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're true or they still serve you. So now you're looking at guys you meet through this lens of, well, if I don't invite them back with me, they're not going to like me.

And if I do invite them back, they're going to think I'm clingy. And none of those are necessarily true. We can't say that every man is going to think that, sure, there might be guys that think you're clingy or guys that won't call you or guys that won't be into you if you don't see with them. Those are not your people. I would say the majority of guys would like to wait and get to know someone and have a connection. You're not going to meet them though if

you're leading with, I'm sexual and this is what I can give to you. So you could also practice going out for a drink with somebody or just meeting with someone and saying, oh, I got to go. Because then when you got to go or you have a plan scheduled, you can't really hang out that much longer. And even if you tell them, like, let's say you go on a date and you say to them, oh, I got to leave. I have a dinner at 10 or a meeting, go into my friend's party at nine.

You know, then you have an out. Then you can see whether you like them or not, it leaves them wanting more. You already had a plan. And then you get to decide, do I actually want to be with this person? To address your question about giving off that vibe that you just want to see with them, you might be giving off that vibe because it's all you know.

So you believe men are attracted to you because they can sleep with you, which means you might be leading with sexual talk or flirtations. So just know that you can still flirt by acting interested, making eye contact, leaning more towards and then away from them, and it will still show them that you're interested in them without feeling like you have to make out or have sex. You know, there's some great power in anticipation and delaying sex.

I think it's just way underrated. But I do believe your generation does feel that we're gonna have the sex and figure it out later. And I'm here to tell you another way that, yeah, the power of waiting, like I said, waiting till you have sex, just knowing there's a little interest and then letting that build towards the next time is really, really hot. Keep them wanting more and then remember, you're deciding if you want more. And what this sounds like is maybe you've been oriented towards thinking, well, I want them

to want me and it doesn't really matter what you want. So I'm also going to encourage some healthy masturbation Mary, understanding your body, maybe you already do. But if your pattern has been just having a lot of sex and leaving, I just want to make sure that you're rounding that out with truly understanding your body, what feels good to you, and how you get the most pleasure. So when you do end up meeting guy that you want to sleep with, you already know what you want, what you need, and you're listening to the podcast, so you'll know how to communicate it. All right, thanks for your question, Mary.

I appreciate it. Let's talk to you R in New York, who's curious about how to navigate the college hookup culture as someone on the asexual spectrum. For those of you who don't know, asexuality first to having a low or no interest in engaging in sexual activity. Hi, thanks for calling. What's going on? Yeah, so I was interested in talking about how people that identify on the asexual spectrum,

as well as people who identify a part of the trans-astrix community can go about finding their place within things like college hookup culture or within such as like a heteronormative sex-obsistent environment that I have found myself in, or being in college. Right. Well, you're really, I mean, it's such a good question because you're really at the forefront of change right now.

I mean, this just in the last few years, everything about sexuality has changed now. I think it's because of your generation. So being part of the movement, part of the change is not always that comfortable. But tell me what's been going on. Like give me a little bit more information. I can see if I can help you. What has it been like there? I would say it's most definitely hard to not only discover if someone is queer. Like I'm usually in relatively more conservatively

environments. So if I were to approach someone, I risk being harassed or being attacked if I'm wrong. Do you think there's any groups on campus, like any queer groups, clubs, things like that, that you will find peers? I was gonna say there's two groups that have to do with queer life on campus and then I'm trying to start a third. Good. I surprisingly haven't really found a lot of people who identify in the LGBTQ community.

Right. I guess my main issue is like as someone who identifies in the asexual spectrum, I know that it's so othered and so invalidated by like media and usually the type of curriculum that individuals are taught, whether it be through sexual education or just through general classes in high school. Yeah. If I am to approach someone regardless, they don't know what to make of me, which then makes it very difficult to even try to approach someone.

I would say that really, and this is what I would say to anybody, no matter who they're trying to date, is that it's about finding people that you connect with as friends. And then when you feel safe in that group, that's how you beat other people that you might be interested in and saying yes to events. And I love that you're going to start your own global,

just go to the other ones and see how it feels. Once you're in it, I think you're going to start your own global, just go to the other ones and see how it feels. Once you're in it, I think you're going to know more what to do because I understand the fear and I understand hate crimes and all that scares me too and it's a small school. But I think that you're also getting comfortable in a new environment right now.

I just think it's more about finding your tribe. Maybe this won't be the campus where you walk up to people, especially if it's very heteronormative. Gender studies classes, I always think I found my people by doing things that I like doing. I found my like-minded people by gauging in activities and events and going places where I like doing things and I felt comfortable. That's how I found the people that I liked. Cool. I guess the one major thing is we're not really taught about sex education. So not only am I going into a situation in blind where it comes to

like queer life, I'm also going into a situation in blind where it comes to normal just like sex education. So I guess like one of the main things that I've stroked and struggling with is I don't know the signs of like I don't know how to flirt. I don't know like the basic signs of like the dating team in general. Like I don't really have personal experiences with intimacy other unless they are platonic. Yeah, I mean sex education is abysmal. We don't teach it in America definitely in public schools. We don't and you know only 17 states require the sex education dramatically accurate and we're woefully uneducated, and especially when it comes to queer sexuality.

We're not there yet. And I just could say that a lot of out flirting and attraction and chemistry comes from learning yourself and finding people that you do connect with. It's a practice, but it also has to do with doing our own inner work. And I just think for you, have you been in therapy in your life? Have you done any work about all the stuff from childhood that comes up?

I just think that the sooner you can get into therapy because we all need it, I know I started at 19 in college. And I'm so grateful that that gave me, like I was able to pair that knowledge of what has been holding you back or what happened in childhood everyone's parents did something not in a bad way that's we're here to work on those issues and that coupled with like a knowing of yourself and a confidence in who you are and what you stand for what you believe in sexually and otherwise would help you I think start to express

to others you know and I think you could to express this to others, you know? And I think you could also just look at your close friendships right now. This is what you do know. You do know you've close friendships, even if it hasn't been sexual or otherwise. And do know what qualities are important to you and those people. Do you know when you meet a friend and you like them? Like, you know, it's kind of the same. I mean, honestly, when you're dating, that's the same thing. It gets sort of like, you want to be with good, kind people that share some of your values. So I want you to take the pressure off yourself a little bit. I get it because it's like, you're like, I want to figure it all out. But I think there's some like letting go and experiencing

it in the moment. And I think that the less we're focused on like, how do I meet people and what do I do when you're really yourself and you show up as yourself wherever you go, whoever you meet? You'll find that you'll attract people to you that are more aligned and that you wanna be with. Okay, well thank you. Of course. Yeah, thank you for calling in.

And I wish I could tell you that there was one place to go. But that's my purpose. I'm trying to provide sex education to everyone and maybe in your studies, when you start figuring stuff out for yourself, you can start sharing your knowledge to the world because we need it. Right, thanks for calling in.

That's a blast. Bye. I really appreciate that call from R. It's really tough to be a college student now. Let me just say this, the hookup culture, you know, that this expectation that you should go out and be sleeping with people and get blackout drunk, and I wish if I could just impart something

to everybody who's in college right now, and that would be to find your people, find your community, find your friends, and know that you shouldn't show up as an expert in anything yet in college, but about sex or relationships or dating or love. And it's such a great place and opportunity such to learn who you are within those contexts. And the more you can learn to be present, start a mindfulness practice, be in therapy,

start to learn who you are as an adult, maybe the first time away from home, the more likely you're able to attract the right situations, people, places, and events to your world. Okay guys, there's a lot to learn, but really it's about paying attention to your body, slowing down, and simply experiencing college sex for yourself. And so I actually asked my Instagram followers to share some fun experiences they had during college to give you some info.

We asked what your hottest college hookup story, and here's some that we got. I texted a guy across the lecture hall to meet me in the bathroom for a cookie during class. Someone else had having sex with a professor. Now the person said, I had a threesome on the graduation stage with my girlfriend and her best friend the night before commencement. Having sex standing up in a handicap port of body at a concert. I just reached out to her and she was the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to be the first to and at sex in the middle of the court. My college girlfriend let me fuck her roommate while she pegged me. Then college.

In the middle of a party upstairs in my frat house, we got so sweaty we ran across the hall naked to shower and continue. Three Sims at a Halloween party, nobody else there realized. Yeah, Halloween parties are pretty nutty. That's a way to get away with the three Sims. Went to a sex club for the first time and participated, most liberatingating feeling ever. Lost one for Ginny on a one night stand during spring break.

I worked in a bar and ended up sleeping with a girl in the keg room during my shift and my boss walked in. I have a threesome with my girlfriend in a hot TA in the TA's office. Everyone have a hot TA, I had a hot TA. Got a blowjob with a library and the girls that she'd swallow all the evidence. All right, everyone, go out there, be safe, use protection, masturbate, understand your bodies, and ask for what you want,

and don't have sex that you don't want to have. So let me tell you all about promessant. I've been talking about them for years. Well, first of all, for their delay spray, which essentially means that you have a penis, you can last longer in bed using promescent. And they have a patented target zone technology that quickly absorbs, so it doesn't transfer

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which is, you know, has so many nerve writings. And essentially, you can just put it on your clitoris, your vulva, apply it to your partner's clitoris or vulva. It's really fun to play with. And this rousal Domeans that you'll have a gentle warming sensations. Essentially, it's stimulating blood flow, increasing sensitivity, and feels really good.

It's quality safe ingredients, and you just put a little bit drop on your finger, massage, rubbing the clitters around the hood, and you will feel some buzzing and a lot of pleasure. So check out the Delay Spray, the Arousal Gel. When you order online, you get free shipping, 60-day money back guarantee and discrete delivery. They also have sex toys. So check out their site. It's promessant.com. That's PROMESCENT.com.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and

articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.