Sex With Emily - Threesomes, Kink, and Opening Up with #OPEN

Episode Date: August 11, 2020

Alternative relationships are more popular than ever so today I’m talking to Miley Manliguis from #OPEN, a new dating app that’s designed for modern relationships - essentially, anything other than monogamy. Maile shares the intimate details about opening up her relationship with her husband after they had a child. She talks about juggling parenting and dating, her boundaries with her husband and how giving birth empowered her to embrace her sexuality more than she ever had. Maile’s an amazing woman. You’re going to love her perspective.I also talk to our content coordinator, Amanda, about her first experience being a unicorn (that’s slang for a third in a threesome). We get into how she felt going into it and what she learned about herself from the experience. Talk about getting to know your team on the job! Have you ever wondered how you’d feel going into a threesome? Amanda walks me every step of the way through her worries leading up to it and the things that helped her be present and have a fun, relaxed experience throughout.For more information about Maile Manliguis, visit: hashtagopen.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about open relationships, three sums, and how to just get into that world if you've never experienced it before. All this and more, thanks for listening. I had never not done a girl before, so I like didn't know what to do, but it was a lot. Seeing your partner having pleasure or being really happy, and it's the opposite of jealousy. So, you know, rather than feeling this jealousy,

I've been feeling this intense pleasure at seeing, you know, somebody you love, experience, pleasure, has been really fun to explore. And it's something that my husband, I really enjoyed exploring. That really kind of drives our own sex life. The sub-eaters like, oh god, I beat you jealous, or I was so jealous,

I never get to the comparison point of just like, I'm compassionately seeing pleasure in my partner. Like it actually gets me off to see my partner get off. She's a teenager and she's like afraid to go up with her first girl and her friend who's straight is like, do what you do yourself, but flip it upside down. And like, I was thinking about that.

I was like, is that what I'm supposed to do? Ha-ha. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today I'm talking to Miley Manleguis

from hashtag open. It's a new dating app that's designed for modern relationships and I first heard about it from a friend last year, and she was always looking for a dating app that is more tailored towards people who want something more alternative. She's attracted to different kinds of people, and she's not looking for anything that's straight up monogamous. So, this app is super unique, and really, whatever you're looking for, they have your options. They have like poly and threesomes, and you can just have someone just for sexting. Even monogamy is cool too. Any sexual orientation and any gender. In fact, what I found out is a lot of their users on hashtag open are looking for friendship, for community. That's the other really cool thing. They have a really

strong, discrete community. So it's just a cool, fresh look at relationships and it was really fun to find out more about it. Miley shares a lot. I mean, she talks about her experience, like how she opened up her relationship, and she also talks about how giving birth, but I haven't heard this before, in this way, it truly empowered her to embrace her sexuality

more than she ever had before. She's a super cool woman. I so enjoy talking to her, and I think you're really going to love her perspective. Oh, but first, I talked to our new content coordinator Amanda about her first experience being a unicorn and that's slang for being a third and a threesome to a couple. So we really get into it. How she felt going into it and what she learned from that experience, how it helped her get over a relationship.

I mean, talk about getting to know your team on the job. Amanda did not hold back. It's all turning to August. It's going to be anal. It's going to be all turnative relationships all month long. So Amanda, who works with me, just drops something on me. I'm like, well, we got to just got to talk around the show. So tell me, Amanda, tell works with me, just drops something on me. I'm like, well, we gotta just go talk it on the show. So tell me, Amanda, tell me about your relationship.

Yeah, so I actually met my partner, my boyfriend, on an alternative dating app called Fields, which is super similar to open. But I had initially gone on there after a really bad breakup, and I was like, I don't wanna date any like, I don't want to date any men. I don't want to date any men.

I just wanted to like either date women or have three sums and that was why I used the app. Wow. So it was great for those purposes for a while and then I remember seeing this guy on the app and we started talking and we didn't talk about anything sexual. We talked about the stuff that I was writing and his music and then it was around the holidays so the conversation kind of petered out as we were both like busy and traveling. And then about a month later, I met him. I guess we reconnected on a different dating app. We reconnected on Hinge And I didn't recognize him,

but on our first date, he brought up, you know, this isn't the first app we've matched on. And I was like, do we match on Bumble or Bud? He's like, no, Field. And my portfolio or my profile on Field was scandalous. So now I'm like, this guy is just dating me because he thinks I'm sexual, like that while he wants. But it turned out to be, like we're still dating and like one of our, the best, I think it's been like a year to half later and one of the best things about our relationship

is like the honesty and the communication and like this sexual synchronicity, I don't know if thatroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxychroxy profile. So you had a bad breakup and you were like, no man either want to be the woman or a man or a woman. So how did that go? Did you have some experiences? I did. I had my first ever three some as the third and it was like break up like antidote. It seriously, I was just like emotional slump. And it's like that scene in 500 days of summer after Nick has sex with summer for the first time and he's like dancing through the streets. I was like dancing through the streets of LA like. Wow. So was it a couple that

you met, like did you, to met him on an app? And then what happens? And then you just go to their house or how does it actually? Yeah, actually, this was pre-COVID. So we went to a concert together as our first date as kind of like a chemistry test. And I remember there was like a moment, I'd never done anything like this before. So I was so nervous. And I remember there was a moment where we were like watching the band play.

And the girl held my hand as the guy like put his hands on both of our backs. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna like, this is fun. It just took a hand, two hands. Two hands on deck, you're like, I'm in. Wow, and you were attracted to that right away. Yeah, I thought, yeah, I really liked them.

I thought they were like super in love, which was also important to me, because I didn't wanna like get in anything that caused a lot of drama But they had previously this was their first reason, but they had previously like swung before Okay, they were kind of comfortable with it and like really made me comfortable with the whole thing too Wow, and then what can you can I like what happened and then you go back to their house that night or was it just The next time actually so like that was kind of like fun though because I had all these like, oh butterflies,

like do they like me, type of thing? And then they texted me the next morning. It was like when you're getting to know a guy and they texted me, they're like, it was just so cute. You wanna meet up this weekend, like you wanna come over? And yeah.

And then you went over there and it was just like, hot and fun and yeah, and then you went over there and it was just like hot and fun and Yeah, I remember like because I had no idea what to expect. I had I didn't have any resources like Right, so walking me through it like what happened? So I go over there and I bring a bottle of wine and like I didn't think I was gonna have sex with that that night I kind of was in my head like, okay, this is just like a date number two. Like maybe we're just starting to know each other a little bit more. But on that second date, I brought over about a wine

and the first kind of hour and a half, we just like drank a bottle of wine and talked with each other and got to know each other. And then like after that, at one point, the guy said, so does anybody want to make out? And that's a nice breaker. Yeah, that's something. Dialed up a little bit.

It was honestly, like, a lot less awkward than I thought it was going to be, because, like, we kind of owned that it was going to be awkward. And, like, when it did get awkward, we just, like, laughed and, like, was like, okay, wait, you go there, you go there. And And I didn't think it was I honestly didn't think it was gonna escalate but I just kept saying like well I'm already here. Yeah. Pretty well. Yeah.

It's true because I've had three symptoms and they're you think they're gonna be awkward. I mean they guess they can be awkward but it just sort of works you just sort of go into a flow. Yeah. You know what I mean like you're not, it can be, don't get me wrong. It's not like every, but if you're all on the same page about what you want and you've cleared boundaries and stuff, it's just like, it's just you just sort of figure it out together, right? You make sure everyone wants everyone to feel pleasure and you've probably, you know, consented things beforehand.

Can I ask you more questions on it? I don't know if I could get asked. Great. Great. Okay, so then your make out, your make out with a boyfriend and girlfriend. So then I'm assuming sex happened. Yeah, so we were in their living room when like the making out started to happen. And then the guy was like, I forget who initiated, they were like, should we go in the bedroom because like we were taking off clothes.

And that's when I was like, okay, this is gonna happen. Like if I go in that bedroom, it's all on. And I had never gone down on a girl before. So I didn't know what to do, but it was a lot easier and more fun than I thought it was going to be, and it had always been something I'd wanted to do. So it was an opportunity I wanted to seize. I would say that everyone was really focused on making sure the other person felt good,

which I think was the key to it being successful. Yes. There's nobody had a huge ego about it, and they were very much so prioritized on me, which made me feel special, and which is why I was like this was break up and to note. Yes, you got double, double pleasure. It's true because the first time I remember I went down, I think it was in a threesome and it is true.

First you're like, wait, and then go, I know this. It's like riding a bike. You're like, I have one. I know how this works. I know what I would want. Like game time. It's actually less intimidating, maybe the first time you give a blowjob if you don't have a penis. Honestly, yeah.

You're like, oh, yeah, I got this. Yeah. It's different with every woman obviously, but then I know what to look for. And you just sort of, like riding a bike, riding a wolf. Okay, so that sounds like such a good experience. Did you ever see them again? Or was it?

Yeah, I did. We kept it going for a good experience. Did you ever see them again? Or was it? Yeah, I did. We kept it going for a little while. They were like my couple friends, and I would just go over there and hang out for a few hours, and then go home. That was one thing I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I would want to stay the night or not, or if they would want me to stay the night or not,

but I did like, it was fun to just like go home and like sleep in my own bed and like carry that memory with me. And the only reason it stopped honestly was because I got into a relationship and like my boyfriend and I have talked about adding that like to our lives. But we've only been dating for a year and a half so we're so, you know, trying to figure out our rhythm. But that's why when she mentions the sexting threesome on the previous segment, I thought that was a really smart idea to practice and see how it does affect your relationship. Yeah, absolutely.

I think that's a great, because you're always asking me, what do I do to open it up, or how do I get my partner? Someone called them together at night, and they're like, well, partner wants a threesome. I do too, but I think it was maybe the last week, she's like, do, partner wants a threesome, I do two, but I think it was maybe the last week, she's like, do you think it's safe?

Do you think it's okay? We both want it. And I said, well, there's certain boxes of checked over threesome. I don't tell everyone to go out and have a threesome, but I kind of check, like, have you already discussed what it would look like? What could a partner bring him?

Have you talked about rules and boundaries? You know, and I always say like dirty talk, or role play the threesome. But the idea of sexting with someone and seeing how your partner reacts, reading the sex, you know, is another step. Because I never want people to go out there and have it be- our sex life's bad, we're gonna have a threesome, like go right from zero to threesome, you know, like that could be a disaster for many couples.

But I think it's interesting when you kind of, and you saw this with that couple, like they were into it. Didn't it, it might have made their relationship stronger? Yeah, I thought that was, that was honestly very inspirational to me and started making me look at how you define a relationship being different. Because that wasn't the first couple I had talked to,

it's done that there are so many couples on field who kind of redefines the rules of their relationships. And I really think it's something that a couple can negotiate, like what that looks like. When me and my boyfriend were getting together, it was a conversation that we had very early on. Like, I'm not asking to start doing this now, but are you open to the idea of renegotiating the rules of our relationship

every now and then? Like, basically, we're going to grow and we're going to change. Of course. Did he say, see, these are the converse, see, Amanda, that's so great. I mean, these are the con conversations, I think, it's important to have with your partner that, you know, this could be changing, like just like a business agreement. Like, are we going to renegotiate our consulting contract? Are we going to renegoti our consulting contract? Are we going to really go to our business contract

or our relationship? And what a great thing to even put in the calendar and be like, it's been a year. Let's talk about how is it going? And I think rather than going down a road where it just gets someone's, you know, you're really dissatisfied and someone wants something that the other one doesn't, I mean, I think all couples,

you know, not just if you're in a nominatogamous relationship, but he was in monogamous relationships, I've thought, how is it a not just if you're in a non-managamous relationship, but he was in a monogamous relationship, I've thought, it's like a business, right? You're making these commitments for life and then you guys call them the show and you're like, oh, my partner doesn't want the things I want and how do we negotiate it, but if you negotiate it up front and you keep revisiting that contract every year,

every few months, you know, I think that's how you grow. And even mylier, our guest from Hashtag Open was saying she's married two kids in her 20s and was like, really? This is all there is. And then it became really hot to have a third person in the relationship, which, again, not for everybody, we're just giving you options in alternative August.

Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back with more about Amanda's Theresa experience. So we're talking about one interesting show, because we had Miley on from Hashtag open talking about open relationships and how to find a third. And then Amanda sharing with us about her first, well, not on her photo, her first three-some experience,

but about the fears that we have, about opening up a relationship or even around sex, like it's gonna be awkward, it's gonna be uncomfortable. So then I think so much of what it holds us back, there's a lot of things that hold us back. But one of the reasons why I think we don't actually go after what we want sexually or trying to things is,

because we're so free, something's gonna happen, it's gonna be messy, it's gonna be loud, we're gonna do something awkward or weird. And I just think like, it's not worth a risk. And also, so what? Like sex is messy and weird and awkward. And you make noises and you squirt. I don't know if it's maturity or just learning

to have more confidence. And you're with a partner who's cool. You just don't think about those things. You get back to sex. You just, okay, you can laugh for a moment, but I think it's so worth it, because people go through life without taking risks, you know? Like I mean, Amanda, by going on this app

and finding a third person, it sounds like you learned a lot about yourself too, right? Yeah, I really did. I mean, that was kind of how I had always kind of known that I identified as like a queer, like by pansexual person, but that was the tipping point into that world, which really opened up my community. And I met like more than just a couple there. Like I met my like now partner there. I met one of my really good friends there who like opened a lot of doors for me in my like writing career.. She connected me to a lot of different places.

And we started out going on a date and then nothing ever really happens, but she's still one of my best friends. And I just think breakups are this time of healing and growth and rediscovering yourself. And that means rediscovering yourself sexually too. And you have to like really learn who you are without that other person and take ownership of your sexuality again. Yeah, really is an

interesting time when you break up with someone that there's so many different paths you could take. I mean, it's okay to feel the feels and to miss your partner and to be home and sad and crying. I think it's good to go through that process, right? A kind of mourning the relationship. But then I think it's also important to look at, you know, I always love journaling after a relationship or just thinking about, okay, what worked? What was my part in it?

Because we get so angry at the partner that we don't take any responsibility. You obviously book up for a reason but you were 50% of the relationship. So you do some of that work. Like, who would I want to be in my next relationship? You know, what do I want? And then also, yeah, sexually, let's talk about that part too.

It's like, I don't know. I mean, I think so much about learning who you are as a sexual being definitely comes through masturbation. You know that. I think that we all have to explore our bodies because you're going to find so much that you don't find with a partner. But also, if you're safe and consensual to go out

and learn who you are with someone else. So you didn't know that you thought you had a hunch you might be into women, but turns out you were. But if you weren't, that's another story. That's another road. And now you're with a man and a man that you said you have important with the woman since then.

But do you think about it? Do you fantasize about it? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, it's a topic of our relationship because she's certainly down to have a threesome. And I'm like, what kind of pushing the gas on it? So yeah, it's like, luckily, he knows. One of the first times he figured it out

was I was taking him to my friend's birthday party and it was a girl friend who I used to date. And so I was like, oh, we're going to my friend's birthday party, was a girlfriend who I used to date and so I was like, oh we're going to my friends birthday party by the way we used to date and he was like, wait, wait, what? And I think it was really that much of a surprise to him, but he knows and he's like, I think he thinks it's cool and he's game to explore it with me, which is also why I'm glad we met on fields because I don't know if you might have brought it up. You might have thought that he would judge you, but the fact that he saw you on the app

was such an open invitation to talk about it. So, what did you learn about yourself by being with a woman sexually like your orgasm and your pleasure? Was there anything that you learned from that experience? Yes, I learned to trust my instincts more because I think with guys, ironically, I knew more what to do with a penis than I did with a whole lot.

There's this scene in the movie, Booksmart, where the one girl is, she's a teenager, and she's like afraid to hook up with her first girl, and her friend who's straight is like, do what you do yourself, but flip it upside down. And like, I was thinking about that. I was like, is that what I'm supposed to do? But there was also like a softness to hooking up with her and like a gentleness that I think was like absent in my interactions with men.

And I really took that away to like sort of appreciation for form and the woman form and open my world a little bit. Yeah, I mean, I would say that open to your world. I think that is such a great story, I think. I think that a lot of us are afraid to kind of explore our fancies or to really go there. And I'm not saying it's right, but you can even do this if you're in a committed relationship. But just start talking about it. That's what we're about. Communication is a lubrication. I always say that.

So maybe I'm one of people going to try the app now. They can try hashtag open, any dating apps. And the truth is, you guys, there are the dating apps right now are kind of exploding. It's a good time. It's a good time to talk about sex. It's a good time to be on a dating app.

But also what I like about dating right now is that there's more courtship right now that we're not necessary just like running out and sleeping in people. Thanks Amanda. Coming up, I talked to Miley Manligus from Hashtag Open about open relationships and how the app is revolutionizing

online dating in 2020. I'm really excited for my guest and here's the thing. Okay, what I feel is, you know what I love about this show? I love trends. You know, there's some weeks where there's certain calls that come in, people wanna know if they should break up with someone and sometimes it's like all oral, all week long, like how am I better at oral?

And I feel what's perfect, you didn't even know, probably that it was all turn of August. Then what we do in August, some people call it anal August in the sex community. I like to say it's alternative and what we do this month is, you know, we talk about alternative relationships. If you've been wanting to practice something, you know, something other than monogamy, which let's be honest, that's like really the only like, it's socially acceptable way. But you know, there's other options. In fact, there's a study I was just reading today in the New York Times that one out of five people have experimented in a relationship other than monogamy.

So they're a monogamous, but they have experimented otherwise. So it could be like swinging, it could be, you know, an open relationship. So what happened this week was you called in several people just, I think in the last day and Thursday about how do we find a third in the relationship where it's thinking of opening it up, which makes sense to me.

So I'm very excited to welcome my guest. We've got Miley Mendlingus on the show. And she's a director product for an app that we've talked about. And I was like, oh, you'll come talk about it on the show. And she's a director product for an app that we've talked about. And I was like, oh, you'll come talk about it on the show. It's called hashtag open. Welcome to the show, Miley. Hi, thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

I'm super excited to be here. I know. I have so many questions for you. So look, I guess what we could start is, how did you get involved with this app hashtag open, which again, you guys, I've signed up for it. It's really interesting take on dating apps. So tell me about you and your history.

I love that you are on the app because actually how I got started working for hashtag open is that I was an app user first. So, I'm newer, I consider myself newer to exploring non-monogamy with my partner, my husband, who we've been together for eight years, we've been married just about five. And about a year and a half ago, we decided we were ready to try something new. And funny, you were saying people are asking about three sums because that's really where we got started. We were like looking specifically for three sums. We were on a couple other apps, and I started following the hashtags on Instagram of like, you know, Nominagmi, and I started

seeing posts for hashtag open, and they started to kind of catch my eye, and I think after I saw maybe the third or fourth one, actually the specific post was one that was like the super colorful, right on the improlite, just my bubbly, like colorful personality, and that was like the super colorful right on the impure like just my bubbly like colorful personality and it was like dating solo or partnered or both and I was like oh yes all of the above I want to do that. So I downloaded the app and started swiping and so funny within maybe the first couple days of being on the app, I matched with the owners. And I found that the hashtag open team really makes it a point to build community by matching and chatting with new members all over.

So I really thought at the beginning it was like this app, we do where like, oh, they must just have it. So all new members get to match with the owners and they'll ask about how their experience is going. And I found out that they actually were located right in Connecticut, which is where I'm from. Oh. And as we started chatting, they started asking me

how I found out about the app. They mentioned that Hashtag open was hiring. And so I was like, that's interesting. I have a background in operations and management. That sounds really like it might be something interesting to explore. And within a couple of days I sat down with our founders David Amanda and had dinner and drinks and what really struck me was as I started

Into the world of dating online stuff like privacy and moderation policies were things that just never occurred to me You know, I'm like I'm a millennial who like is used to be on apps and moderation policies were things that just never occurred to me. I'm a millennial who is used to be on apps, used to just like signing those agreements and like accept accept. And so when I heard about this app that not only gave me options to date, ethically and transparently with my partner, but also in the background had all these business practices and ethics that really lined up with the way

I was looking to date. It was just like, oh, wow. And when I started realizing and looking out with some of the other apps they were doing with data and how they were selling users data, it started to just kind of click like, oh yeah, this is something that's really different. And I think I might wanna be a part of that.

Wow, okay, can we, so I have a few things to unpack here. Let's go back to what you said is when you said that you want to date ethically and transparently. So tell me how you got into this, how you decided with your husband. Like, can you walk me through that with your relationship? Yeah. So, you know, I always say, you know, I am somebody who I was married with two kids by the time

I was 26. So my husband I jokingly and lovingly say like around 27, I had this like quarter life crisis where I'm like, I'm married with two kids at 27 and like what's next? Like I've spent my 20s like building career and building family, but like where was like the fun? And like I'm so young and like I feel great, I'm at this prime of my life, but you know,

where's this fun part and you know when I looked back of a Really the pace of my life that was missing was me being able to Explore sexuality and that was something that prior to having kids was really important to me With something that I really enjoyed had exploring and engaging with and I found that like just becoming a mom You kind of get away from that and and you kind of get into this rut, and as a, you know, in a, raising a kid with, or two kids at,

in our case with my husband, yeah, our sex life kind of hit a rough spot for a while. Yeah. And, you know, through a lot of communication, we kind of figured out that exploring non-monogamy was something that we found really exciting and thrilling and it's something that's really added to our relationship in a super positive way. Okay, I mean, that's so interesting.

Good. Well, I mean, I think that's a lot of our listeners. They realize that, yeah, they got married young or they've just been with someone for a while. And this is what happens in relationships. Not in the no way saying that this is for everybody, but for many couples are like, well, that'd be great, but my partner would never want to or how would we navigate it. I think that's so interesting, like that you work for the app

that they have the app, so if you are thinking, oh, I'm afraid they could sell my data or people like, what if I buy bosses on or my neighbors on? We don't really have to worry about that on the app, right? Yeah, we're never gonna sell your data to any third parties. Our privacy policy is very transparent. You can check it out right on our website. And we also have moderation policies that are really strong

to make sure that we really uphold these community guidelines that are important. So you're not going to find an app where people are sending unsolicited dick picks. All of our photos in AB are safe for work. You're not going to find NSFW stuff publicly displayed. Because the thing is, we also don't want to make it really sex focused. People can date and look for partners in dating and experiences,

but it doesn't have to be this overly sexualized experience as you're out there and dipping your toes in the water. Because you just don't want to connect. I feel like a total people call in and they're just like, how do we do it? Or we don't know anybody who's ever been open, who's been to a singer party, or who's experimented in this way. So I feel like that would be great even just for people wanting to talk to a couple about it and see what their experience has been.

It seems like people are very open. Which I love. You know what else I love about the app? What is it you guys have 24 gender identities and 23 orientations or into your own if it's not covered there? Right. So as you're starting to date, rather than traditional dating apps where you usually have male, female checkboxes,

and we've seen it and we know some of our own team members have been on other dating platforms where as a couple, it's really hard. You might have to have one profile where you're kind of like having to in your bio, explain things, whereas we give you options to put it out there right out there. Your pronouns, what you identify as, if you're somebody who considers yourself demisexual,

we have that as an option. If you are a relationship and are kissed, that's something you can put right on your profile. We have all these different terms to use to really self-identify. And if you don't see something, you can go ahead and free text in. Yeah, exactly. It's open.

As you're trying to meet people, it makes sense to just kind of put the real you out there. I'm so true. What I also loved about the app is I did this about how you I thought I took a screenshot of how you also talks about like what you're what you're into sexually like what do you want what do you fantasize what your boundaries can you talk about that like what the options are as you're building your app you're going to have sections to put in your preferences interests and boundaries and we use hashtags to communicate

those. So if you're somebody who's like, you know what? I'm really interested in maybe exploring three sums. You can put that in, interested in hashtag three sums. That way you can find other users that are looking by a hashtag search. So I can go in, do hashtag search three sum, and I can find other users. And they're going to pop up in my grid view, the closest people by distance will be first.

And I can go through and find people who have those similar interests. So that really makes it easy to find those users who are looking for those exact interests as you. And the other great thing about hashtags that I really love is that if you're somebody who's exploring, maybe you don't even know what's out there, right? So as you're looking through people's profiles,

you might see a hashtag that you're like, oh, I hadn't heard of that. Or I hadn't thought of that. Maybe I would like to explore, you know, impact like, what is that? Okay, is there any hashtags that are trending that are surprised you? Do you guys share that data?

Yeah, so you know, one thing that I think is really surprising going back to like we were saying depending on what connections you're looking for, friends is the number one hashtag in our app and it has been for a long time. So, you know, people really are looking for people who are open-minded, maybe are like-minded, you know, my partner, we don't necessarily feel comfortable

talking about our lifestyle with all of our friends and our vanilla life. So just finding other people that we can get together and have a drink with, who we can chat with, and talk about the challenges and as well as the ups and downs of, not me, not me, is really great. Yeah, that would be,

because I think people need that. Well, especially now more than ever, we really need community. But I want to talk to you about how do you manage it with your friends and parents telling them, do tell them that you're in an open relationship and where you work, because I just feel like,

I know I get judgment. Just talking about sex. And I'm curious about you saying, like, oh, I work for this app, and I'm an open relationship. Yeah, it's definitely worth doing that in between area, which I think, you know, is, there's probably a lot of people who are kind of in similar situation.

We have some friends that know and are super supportive. We have some other friends that know and are like, oh, you know, that's something that makes me a little uncomfortable. You know, maybe let's not dig into that. And then, you know, our family members, they know where I work and kind of generally what I do. But we haven't really had like a sit down conversation to say, you know, this is exactly what we're doing. And I think those are things that working for the app, I feel really excited that I get to meet other experts in the field and I get to meet other people who aren't having those conversations.

And then I can talk to them and say, how did you have that conversation with your family? And like you said, building that community because it's not something that's mainstream. And we don't really have a model for these conversations. It's really important to build together. Yeah, I know. I think that's a great place to start.

I'm curious what it's like being a parent and being in an open relationship. Now, how do you navigate that? Do you talk to other people on the playground? How do you manage that? We consider ourselves to be sex-positive parents. We try and have open conversations with our kids in general about sex positivity.

Right now, our kids are really young, so in terms of specific dating, it's not a conversation we're having with them. But in terms of parenting, when we're meeting other people, the conversations around having kids are really important. Actually, perfect example. I went on a date last week. I'm just starting to navigate some some limited and in-person

dating, you know, with our our COVID numbers being pretty safe and Connecticut. And literally as I pulled into the date, we've been planning this for a while. And as I pulled in, I got to call for my husband, that my kid got her. That she like got this massive splinter in her foot. And he's like, I don't think I can handle this. I'm the boob of parents. So I sat in my car for a minute, like how am I gonna handle this? Like I feel terrible.

I had to go into the restaurant, tell my date what happened. I felt terrible and I kinda said, I'm gonna go home. Maybe it won't be a big deal and I might be able to still meet you later. I'm not sure. And you know, honestly,

seeing how he reacted to that was so telling to me because there are certain people who like, you know, I could see being super frustrated and being like, we plan this for so long. And him being so understanding and be like, oh my god, absolutely, let me know what happens. Please take care of your kiddo, take all the time you need. Like, yeah, that's really important

seeing how people react to it. That's a good limit test, actually. Like fake, that's really important seeing how people react to it. That's a good list. To let me test, actually, fake. There's something going on just to see how someone reacts when the plans change. I know that it is true. I could be like, oh, well, I just got a work. And I was in traffic in here, I am. But he was totally cool with it.

What I want to know is, too, I heard this story about you. But you had an experience with childbirth, because I'm always wondering how people get to realize that they're more open or how do they explore their sexuality. Can you tell me about that experience? Oh, yeah. I actually used to be a childbirth through a list. So I actually love talking about stuff. I was joking.

I felt like I could be a big nerd and talk about the stuff for days. Yeah. I'm so many who really believe in natural birth. It's something that was important for me. And if that's something that's important to you, finding those resources is really exciting to feel to really seek out those stories of women that are empowering. And I think that in our society,

we see a lot of birth stories that are really fearful and they're very medicalized as like emergencies. So during my pregnancies I really sought out really empowering stories of women who had natural births and felt like they had really like found a sense of their body and not. And one thing that I find that's really interesting now as I'm exploring more kink and sensation and pain play is that I equate it so much to my experience with birth where I remember learning in dual school and as I was doing childbirth classes that birth is this experience

where you really can't control it. So as you go into it, you know, it's almost like this idea of you have to submit to it. It's this experience that you know is going to be difficult. You know is going to have some uncomfortable sensations, but if you can submit and you can try and relax your body and you can breathe through it, it can be a really empowering experience where at the end of it you're like, wow, my body is capable of something pretty amazing. And as I'm exploring kink, I feel like there's such a connection there. I was telling somebody last week that idea of like as you're submitting to the pain or

maybe you're somebody who's submissive and you're submitting to your dawn and you're having to breathe through those sensations and you're really realizing what your body's capable of and you know as yeah as a mother realizing that my body was capable of listening to intense amount of pain but I'm also able to experience intense amount of pleasure as well, was just really enlightening, and why not seek out those experiences and... Very closely related the pleasure and pain, and the fact that you were able to make that connection, and I'm sure being a doula was very helpful

because you learned how to actually, and having a natural child's high birth, because breath is so important to life, and to our pleasure, sexually having more orgasms, I believe, like what I've learned to, and for many of you, we've talked about this breathing into our body, extending orgasm, even edging with ourselves. So that would seem like that would be a great practice

for life, I think. How has opening up changed? I would say in a lot of ways, one is just the communication. So the level of communication that having a ethically non-monogamous relationship requires is just really high. Like we have to talk about emotions as they come up

because it's not always gonna be great. And if you don't talk about those things as they come up, they're gonna become issues. So being able to really communicate both the positives and the negatives is super important. And I think that gives you such a strong foundation. And then learning, actually I learned as I came into Hashtag open from the founders from David Amanda about the concept of compulsion.

And as I've learned, I've learned a lot of people have never heard this. The idea of seeing your partner having pleasure or being really happy and it's the opposite of jealousy. So, you know, rather than then feeling this jealousy of feeling this intense pleasure at seeing, you know, somebody you love experience pleasure, has been really fun to explore. And it's something that my husband, I've really enjoyed exploring both together and then, you know, having experiences on our own dating, and then coming back and kind of chit-chatting about that. And that's something that we found, we found really,

we find it really hot for it to be able to come back together and talk about date and stuff. And that really kind of drives our own sex life. That's the thing. And so you're saying, because I know compersion is something that we talk about. Some people are just like, oh God, I be too jealous. Or I was so jealous, I never get to the compersion point

of just like I'm compassionally seeing pleasure in my partner like it actually gets me off to see my partner get off. Was it a journey for you guys to get there? Did you have some jealousy at first? I would say there's we've had some ups and downs like it's not been just like you know it's it's definitely

an arc and it comes and it goes depending on you know where we're at we're feeling good about ourselves, but a great place to start, I think, if you're like, oh, I'm not sure how I would feel. And this is actually kind of how we started. I started just with sexting. I found a couple of sexting buddies and started sexting

and my husband actually really enjoyed reading and seeing what we were at the conversations and that was how we initially got started. And even that in the beginning, really spiced up our sex life. And that's something like, right in app, you can go in, that's something that people have on their profile all the time as a hashtag sexting.

Oh, I'm excited, buddy. I'm excited to open, you can say I'm just here for sexting. Absolutely, you can say I'm here for sexting. I'm looking for virtual experiences during COVID. We certainly had fun having some virtual dates. And we leaned into the virtual threesomes and that kind of stuff. And that is such a great place to start

if you're someone brand new. And again, it's a great place to start. Tell me about a virtual threesome, please. You know, we had, I've had some great dates and being able to include my husband and say, hey, it looks like play while we're on video with somebody that we've met and we've been talking to for a while. I always say make sure it's a minute you trust and make sure you're on a platform that you feel secure. But yeah, having that kind of play with somebody else but not being in person

is such a good way for you to just kind of start testing how you'll feel before you start in person. Do it. No, I love this because I'm always saying like dirty talking bed, role play it, but I love the idea of actually like taking a few steps further. Like to do it on a video chat is less threatening than actually being there in the moment and wanting to pull the cord or get awkward. Like try it out that way or sext. That's amazing.

So, so Miley tell me like, what would you tell people before they wanted to open up or they're thinking about what would be your best piece of advice? I think definitely seek out either other people who are already doing it, you know, there's some great accounts to follow of people who are already in the lifestyle and social media

or you know, seek out blog pieces. I always say like look at the the books like the ethical slide is really great. Elle has some great books on sex and relationships yeah opening up to our main opening up is great. So really start with some some education so you understand there's different types of relationship styles when you get into ethical nominogme and kind of look at them you know there's like you were saying there's swingers there's ethical nominogme there's poly look at them, you know, there's like you were saying there's swingers, there's ethical nominogmy, there's polyamory.

So kind of look through and see what maybe feels right, or maybe you're like, I just want to kind of explore the sexual side. Yeah, but yeah, just kind of start with some research, see what feels right for you. And then yeah, the app really is such a great place to start because it is not in the middle, right? You can create a, you can create your profile Either solo partnered or both and then you get out there you can start exploring and I would say be transparent

and say like I'm just looking we're kind of new to this and we're just kind of seeing what's out there not sure what I'm looking for there's no harm in and saying I don't really know what I'm looking for but I'm interested you know Yeah, exactly that's a place where we'd be welcome, actually, if you're just trying to, because I think so much of this is about education and figuring out what you need and what you want and what a safe place to do it. Hashtag open, how can people find it?

So check us out at Hashtagopen.com and it's spelled out. So, h-a-s-h-t-a-g-o-p-e-n.com. And then we're also on social media with the same handle. So So Instagram, we're on Twitter, we're on Facebook. And yeah, if you give us a follow, we're doing a lot of education sessions with it being COVID right now. We can't do in-person events.

So that's another great place. So if you're curious, like we'll be talking about some anal play tomorrow night. And we've been doing free online sessions and we'd love to have you come to chat with us, ask questions. Another great place. And you can meet other online sessions and we'd love to have you come to chat with us, ask questions, and you can meet other users. So in the chat room, you can meet

other users. So if you wanted to find out more about that, you can go to hashtagopen.com slash events. Okay, that is a great service especially now during COVID. Oh my god, I love it. I love hashtag open. I love meeting you, Miley. Thank you so much for being here. For joining us on Sex with Emily, I know my listeners are curious. They ask, they call, especially now you want to be safe. You want to be ethical.

You want to just get some information. That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. There's so much more to talk about. So don't miss my next episode. Subscribe to Sex with Emily right now. Just do it, DZ. Do it right now!

You can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.