Sex With Emily - Top Sex Questions in 2024: Answered!

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

In today's episode, we’re diving into the questions you've been too shy to ask out loud—yes, those. Remember, shame has no place here, especially when it comes to your sexual curiosities and concerns. We’re all in this together, exploring the complex yet exhilarating world of sex, so let’s break down those barriers and talk openly. In this episode you’ll learn:  How do I handle rejections for sex from my partner when they masturbate daily? If their “porn” type looks different than my body type, does that mean they may not be attracted to me? Is it normal to think about someone else during sex? How do I get my partner to understand I’m not a porn star…Yes, I’ll try things, but…I’m not that kinky. I’ve never squirted. Is that normal? How can I get myself to squirt? Can too much use of a vibrator desensitize or burn my clitoris?  How can I get a clitoris orgasm by mouth without it taking hours? I don’t like to masturbate in front of my partner because it's hard for me to focus. Is something wrong with me? Show Notes: Join the Waitlist for my SmartSX Membership Community: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? Guide SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) Shop VIIA Today and use code "EMILY" at checkout for 15% off your order The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com/live.

When I was dating a guy in my 20s, we were having such incredible sex. We were so in love and I was certain it was the best sex of my life, the best sex I was gonna ever have. One day he went to work and I found all of his porn. And I was so upset and so confused. I still remember like it was yesterday. I was calling all my friends. I'm like, what does it mean that every woman he's watching has large breasts, they're tall, they're blonde? And you can see, I don't know, I'm the opposite of that. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize

your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. If you've ever hesitated to ask a sex question because you think it's embarrassing, well this episode is for you. Today we're breaking down those barriers and tackling the questions you've been wanting to ask because guess what? There should be no such thing as an embarrassing question. A lot of times we don't ask because we're so afraid that we're the only one with that question. Well I guarantee you these are the top questions that I know you've been dying to ask.

We're starting with a big one. How do you handle rejection for sex from your partner when they masturbate daily? How dare they? Or what if their porn type looks a lot different than you do? And is that vibrator bad for you? Should you really be using your vibrator?

Well, we get into all these questions in this episode. I'm offering real answers so you can just shake off that, I don't wanna ask that feeling. Let's get into it and find all the solutions you've been searching for. I got you. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

It helps get the shot to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Orax, and Facebook, all the places.

It's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, How to Actually Talk Dirty, and Ask Emily, Help, My Partner Can Only Orgasm with Her Legs Straight are both up on sexwithemily.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. One of the most common questions I receive from my listeners with a penis is, how can I last longer in bed? Whether it's due to premature ejaculation or maybe just wanting to enjoy sexual activity for longer,

it is a very common question. But don't worry, I come with solutions. In addition to recommending Kegel exercises, yes, penis owners can do a Kegel exercise and the stop-start method, I always recommend a delay spray such as Promessent. See, nerve signals are what trigger orgasms and Promessent uses lidocaine to relax those nerve cells, giving you complete control over your climax. But don't worry, you still feel everything. In just five to ten minutes from application, Promessent begins to work and effects last for up to an hour. Promessin allows you to last longer in bed and enjoy all the sensations without having to worry about finishing early.

Plus, a certified study showed a 50% increase in both partners reaching orgasm together when using Promessin. Shop promessin.com slash Emily for 15% off free shipping and a 60-day money back guarantee and always discreet delivery. That's P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T dot com slash Emily for 15% off your order. Did you know that your gut health directly impacts your sexual wellness?

It's true. So if you're wondering why you're not in the mood or have no energy for your sex life, it might be time to examine your gut microbiome Your gut can control everything from libido arousal levels energy level mood and of course bloat I don't know about you But for me personally when I'm bloated my foods not digesting Well, the last thing I want to do is have sex knowing the importance of gut health

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I do not feel lethargic after a big meal. And actually, I feel more energized and I want to keep going, doing work, having sex. And I talked to the creator of Just Thrive about what makes their probiotic different and get this. Just Thrive is the only probiotic that survives your stomach acid and actually reaches your gut 100% alive. All those other ones that come in fancy drinks so you got to refrigerate? Nope. Those all die in your stomach acid. But not Just Thrive. Just Thrive is vegan-friendly, non-GMO, made with only the best and safest ingredients. Just Thrive has made an active difference in my life.

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BOGOSWE to buy one 30-day probiotic and get another for 50% off. All right, here's the first question. How do I handle rejections for sex from my partner when they masturbate daily? All right, I get it. That stings, right? It doesn't feel good. Here you are wanting sex, your partner's rejecting you, that part doesn't feel good, and then they're masturbating.

Like what gives? I get it. I also know why that's really frustrating because here's the thing. What you need to understand is that sex with you and masturbation fulfill two very different needs. Sometimes we just wanna masturbate to release stress, to make ourselves feel good. We just get inspired, we want to knock one out, but it really doesn't have

anything to do with you. They're very separate. Have a talk with your partner and let them know how it makes you feel. Now you never want to attack your partner and be like, why are you masturbating all the time and you're not having sex with me? But how the conversation would go is something like this. So I've been thinking about our sex life a lot and I love the connection we have. And I really miss that. I really miss the time of just the two of us connecting. And then when I hear you're masturbating,

which I know is important, it makes me feel like that's a priority over me. I've learned recently that that's probably not the case but what I really miss is the connection and our touch and our intimacies. So do you have any ideas about how I could continue to feel connected with you while you still have your active masturbation practice? I guess the most important thing here is not to take it personally. So many times we just don't say anything to our partner, but this is a common question. So I get why it's confusing, but have a talk with them and let them know how you feel,

because no one can argue with our feelings. And you might be surprised and probably very pleased with what you'll find out. And just remember it is important for you to take time to get your needs met as well. Embarrassing question number two. if their porn type looks different than my body type, does that mean they may not be attracted to me? Okay, here's a story, because I understand this question. I've been there. So when I was dating a guy in my 20s,

we were having such incredible sex. We were so in love and I was certain it was the best sex in my life, the best sex I was gonna ever have. One day he went to work and I was certain it was the best sex in my life, the best sex I was going to ever have. One day he went to work and I found all of his porn. And I was so upset and so confused. I still remember like it was yesterday. I was calling all my friends.

I'm like, what does it mean that every woman he's watching has large breasts? They're tall, they're blonde. And you can see I don't, I'm the opposite of that. I have smaller breasts. I'm brunette. And I don't look anything like that. My mind was blown, like how could it be that this is what he's masturbating to? He must just be silently suffering through the sex he's having with me till he can just go home and masturbate with the woman he really wants to be with. Well, what I didn't know then is that we can have

really active, rich fantasy lives. And what we see in porn and we wanna watch in porn and our porn interests don't necessarily correlate what we'd want in real life. In fact, straight women, a lot of them love watching gay porn. Does it mean they're gay? Does it mean they wanna be the gay man?

No, it doesn't. It just means that when I want to masturbate and when I want to watch porn, this is the scene, these are the kinds of people and the body types that turn me on. So remember sexual fantasies are nuanced. They don't necessarily reflect what we want in real life. And also to have these conversations with your partners, remember timing, tone, and turf. Those are my top tips. Those three T's, remember those anytime you want to have any awkward conversation. And you want to find the right time when you're not halt,

that's hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And the tone is curious. It's compassionate. It's fun. It's playful. It's chill. And the turf, outside the bedroom. We do not want to have these conversations in the bedroom

when you see your partner watching porn and you're like, why are you watching that porn again? No, we want to do it when we're hanging out. Maybe we're on a road trip, you know, because I love a road trip, because then you don't have to make eye contact, but it's still really intimate. So try that one out and let me know how it goes.

How can I get my partner to understand that I'm not a porn star? Yes, I'll try things, but I'm not that kinky. All right, well, you know the secret to having the kind of sex you want or don't want is all about communication. And what I mean by that is communicating with your partner about your sex life,

about your fantasies, about your needs, about the things that you want, the things that they want. How else are we gonna learn how to have better sex? Because I can tell you your partner is not a mind reader and neither are you. So finding out, what is it about this kink that turned you on? Like tell me why this particular fantasy

or this particular scenario is really hot for you. Because sometimes when you hear your partner explain it, like, wow, you know what? I think it's really hot to tie you. Because sometimes when you hear your partner explain it, like, wow, you know what, I think it's really hot to tie you up and spank you because what I've heard is that it's a really big turn on for people and for me it really makes me feel great to be in control. Well, maybe if you heard that, you're like,

oh, he likes to be in control, she likes to be in control, then maybe I can get my head around that, right? So sometimes we don't have context, we just can't make these assumptions, we really can't. And it's also a great time to figure out what you actually want and what your turn-ons are. So I love my yes, no, maybe list. You can download it for free on my website.

It lists like 80 to 100 sex acts and you and your partner can go through them and be like, is this a yes, a no, or a maybe? We each do it separately and then you come together on your guesses, you know? Maybe you want dirty talk and your partner wants dirty talk and how great, you never knew that before. So there's a lot of ways to play and explore

so you have a better understanding of what your partner actually wants and then you're not making yourself feel bad about it. Because we don't want that and that will not be a turn on. Is it normal to think about someone else during sex? Yeah, and I'm not only saying that because I get to ask this question every single day and it's one of the most common questions I get asked.

We all feel so bad about our fantasies, but I want to remind you that that's healthy to have things we fantasize about. And you know what, I'm gonna tell you a little secret. You keep this a secret. You don't have to share this with your partner. They don't need to know what you're thinking during sex. Now when this is a problem is when that's all you can think about.

It's like you feel so guilty about it and you can no longer enjoy the sex you're having. But if your mind floats in and out of other people and other fantasies, that's completely acceptable. It's going to happen. You can't control your mind, right? But you can control the guilt that you put on yourself and the shame. You don't need any of that. You cut that right now. I've never squirted.

Is that normal? How can I get myself to squirt? All right, squirting, AKA female ejaculation, is definitely trending in recent years. I love to chalk that up to porn. We see it all the time. We see all these women squirting and a lot of people get pressured by their partners.

Like now I want you to squirt. I think it's really hot. So only squirt if you wanna squirt. I don't want you to be pressured into it at all. It's completely normal and typical. And if you haven't done it, it all comes from G-spot stimulation. That is that internal part of your vagina close to the vaginal opening about two-thirds inside kind of that

come-hither motion towards your belly button. That's where you'll find that area. It helps have a clitoral orgasm first and then you start to apply pressure. You can use a penis if you have one handy, a toy or a finger. And it takes a little while to figure it out. But let me remind you this also, that you could squirt and not orgasm. You can orgasm, not squirt. For some it just feels like a release.

For some it doesn't feel like anything. And for some it can feel amazing. I'm gonna say it's something that you gotta practice. I don't know that you're necessarily gonna squirt the first time, but it's pretty possible for everyone to squirt. And before you ask me is squirting peeing, is peeing squirt, like I say who the fuck cares. Yes, they have done some studies and there are traces of urine, but I just say so what throw down a blanket, throw down a towel,

it really doesn't matter. Can too much use of a vibrator desensitize or burn my clitoris? Alright here's the truth. You can't harm your clitoris. You're not going to like burn it off. It's not going to shrivel up and die. That is all a myth. It can lead to a little bit of numbing or maybe your clitoris can be a little burnt out

because you're used to that kind of pressure, that kind of sensation, but no, you can't permanently damage yourself. I always recommend a little bit of cross training. So if you're feeling like, you know what, I'm just using my vibrator, I'm hitting quinine, I'm no longer exploring and checking out other erogenous zones

because we have so many on our body, then you can just say, you know what, I'm going to go back to my hands. I'm going to tease myself. I'm going to use some lube and I'm going to do it the old fashioned way with my hands. And you're going to find out that everything is still working and it's still okay. The neural pathways in our brains get used to a certain kind of pressure, a certain kind of stimulation. That's why the vibrator is like the sure thing.

You know what to do and it works. But you can also train your brain to respond to other kinds of stimulation. So no need to worry about this kind of burnout from your clitoris. But it's always great to mix things up, especially when it comes to your body. How can I get a clitoris orgasm by mouth without it taking hours? Okay, I think you're saying that when someone goes down on you, you want to be able to have an orgasm, but it just takes a really long time. Yeah, I get that. For a man, it can take about eight to 10 minutes

to orgasm and for a woman, it can take between 20 and 40 minutes. There's a gap there. If you're receiving, just chill, relax. Yes, your partner wants to be there. And if they don't want to be there, you know. The best thing you can do though, if you're giving oral sex and your partner feels squeamish, is to just let your partner wants to be there. And if they don't want to be there, you know. The best thing you can do though, if you're giving oral sex and your partner feels

squeamish, I find this mostly with vulva owners, we're like, does my partner want to be there? Do I smell blah, blah, blah? The best thing you can say is, you know what, relax, lay back. I'm not going anywhere. I could be here all night. Do you know what that feels like to know that your partner actually wants to please you and they really wanna be there? Then you can just relax and you can breathe into the sensations. That's just a huge, huge dip right here.

Also, it's great to build anticipation. You need to warm things up. And when you are going right for it and you're just doing the same motion, that's just not gonna feel great. Oral sex isn't all about your mouth. You can always bring in your hands. You can always bring in some lube. You can always bring in a toy to help you out. Everyone's body is different. So the more you can pay attention, ask questions, talk about sex outside the bedroom, I think you

can speed this up a bit. All right summer's coming to an end. I know that happens. It's kind of a bummer but I encourage you to kind of savor these last few days, last few weeks, and take some time to get into your body, do something creative. Whatever it is, I always have gummies. I love gummies. I love Vaya. I have them in every single room in my house.

I use their Sleep Gummies. I use their Hi Love Gummies, which are amazing for sex, arousal, intimacy. What I love about them is they have THC, THC-V and CBD and that combination allows you to feel really good in your body, calms your mind. It's just amazing. Sleep ones, they'll knock you out if that's what you're looking for. You want to be more creative, they've got gummies for that. They're natural, they're vegan friendly, and not to mention they can be shipped directly to your door in all 50 states. If you want to try to zen out the last weeks of summer,

get more creative. I actually love these for creativity too, the high love ones, but really any gummies, just take your mind off the worry. It stops all that nonsense chatter and helps you focus on whatever the matter is at hand. You're gonna love Viya. They've got you covered in every area. Head over to ViyaHemp.com. Use code EMILY at checkout to save 15% off your order.

That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com. Use code EMILY at checkout for 15% off your order or just click the link in the show notes and let me know how you like them. Okay, next question. I'm single, how do I pursue having a threesome? Well, sounds like you're asking to be a unicorn. That's what we call a third and threesome. Usually there's a couple and if you're looking for a third, they call that a unicorn.

That's just insider language here. So how fun, how fun that you want to join a threesome. So there's some great apps right now out there that was a great place to start. One of them is called Field. It's F-E-E-L-D. That can be a wonderful app to to look for people in your area who are looking for a third. You could also look at FetLife. F-E-T-. You can Google it, like any fun sex parties in my area. You know, you could probably find something and that might be a great place to start.

You know, you just gotta do a little bit of research and then remember, when you are finding to be part of a threesome, you definitely wanna check the people out. Maybe get coffee beforehand, you know, maybe meet up with, I always recommend meeting up with them first, or you know, doing a FaceTime call and just seeing what it's about because you always want to be safe just

like you're going on a regular date and you want to be sure to discuss your boundaries ahead of time. If you don't know talking about when you close your eyes and you picture this threesome happening is there anything that really does turn you on and is there anything that you're kind of think oh god I wouldn't want that well that thing that you don't want that's the thing you want to mention. I don't want to be spanked or I don't want to make out with you or I'm definitely not sleeping over. You get to think about what you want and then voice all those concerns. That's what's fun about threesomes, especially if it's not with friends or people you know, although that might be another option.

You never know. I don't know who your friends with but that could totally work too. But especially if these are strangers or people you don't know, practice setting really good boundaries and advocating for what you want because that is a skill set that's going to serve you for a lifetime. I don't like to masturbate in front of my partner because it's hard for me to focus. Is something wrong with me? No, no I understand that. It can be really awkward to masturbate in front of a partner. I mean the great thing about masturbation is that's like one thing you get to do alone. You get to do it and you get to make all your faces

and all your things and get into all those contorted positions. It's like wonderful. It's a delight. And now someone wants to look at you and you're masturbating. Oh, that's just, that's hard. I get it.

I get it. Hear me out. It actually can be really hot to masturbate in front of a partner. In fact, one of my top sex tips is mutual masturbation. And the reason why that's hot is because, number one, it's hard to see your partner turning themselves on. And number two, you're actually learning from them.

You're seeing what they do. So then the next time you get to do something to them, you're like, I'm gonna do that too. So you actually are learning a lot by this process. And once you get through all that awkward part of it, you might actually like masturbating in front of your partner. We all make our orgasm faces.

We all do funny things when we masturbate or it feels that way. But at the end of the day, it might be fun to check it out sometime because I think why not try everything? How do I overcome my fear of being naked in front of someone to have the sex that I want to have? Well, first, how comfortable are you being naked by yourself?

Do you ever like walk around, look at yourself in the mirror, dance around naked? I know, really, that sounds like probably like I would never do that because I don't wanna see my body and I can't, well, that's the first step. The first step is us making peace with our bodies because if we're walking around all day, we're not liking our bodies, we're avoiding the mirror,

we don't want to see ourselves naked, well, why do we think we're supposed to feel more comfortable when we're with a partner? And I'm not even talking about body love. You don't have to become obsessed with your body. It could be body-like or body neutrality. But once you get really comfortable with your body, this is why I'm a huge fan of looking in the mirror,

maybe looking in the mirror and like touching yourself or even masturbating, it can be really amazing to see, like I can't believe what my body can do. My body can do incredible things. And if we can try to turn those limiting beliefs or those negative thoughts about our bodies into something more positive, like flip the script, like I love my body because it gets me to and fro, like I love my body because it gets me to and fro,

or I love my body because it allows me to chop up vegetables and cook a meal for my family every night. Okay, next, well that is a practice, being naked with your partner in the room. Okay, remember this, you get to dim the lights however you want, I'm not a fan of lights off. You might as well go to bed if the lights are totally off,

but maybe some selected candlelight or lights that just make you feel sexy. And also, you don't have to be completely naked during sex. Wear something that makes you feel sexy. It could be like a big oversized t-shirt that maybe is like off the shoulder. It could be some fabric that's sort of covering parts of your body that you don't quite feel comfortable

with right now. You know, find the moves, the grooves, the clothing, the fabrics, the ways of being during sex that make you feel more comfortable and confident. It's also great to let your partner know that when they compliment your body, it really makes you feel good. So if they say to you, you look so hot right now, or I love your ass, or I love the way you look naked,

or this light just makes you look incredible, you can let them know that words of affirmation really turn you on. They don't know, but I can tell you they're probably thinking those things, so why not have them verbalize it out loud so you can feel good too. If they're naked with you in the bedroom, they are into you and your body and your pleasure

and they are not at all obsessing or worried about your body like you are. So remember the point of sex is pleasure and connection and I want you to have more of that. So the more you kind of turn those thoughts around and get more into your body and feel more present, you will have more into your body and feel more present. You will have more pleasure and you will have more incredible connected sex. That's it for today's episode.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and

while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.