Sex With Emily - Top Tips for Talking Dirty

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

Ahh, soulmates. Wouldn’t it be nice if finding “the one” was as magical as rom-coms and fairy tales make it out to be? Although Cinderella and Prince Charming supposedly lived happily ever after, their sex life was probably one thing they had to work on like any normal couple—without the help of Cinderella’s fairy godmother. On today’s show, Emily is acting as your own personal fairy godmother with tips and tricks to help your sexual relationships grow stronger and sexier, whatever your situation might be! Need some Dirty Talk 101? How about tips to navigate an open marriage? Is there any way to get your girlfriend on board with tossing her salad? She tackles these burning sex questions and more—plus she reveals why believing in a soulmate might be the reason your sex life is fizzling out. Join us! Thank  you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: We-Vibe WISH, FT London, Intensity and Sportsheet. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm answering your questions on sex, dating, and everything in between. Topics include tips for talk and dirty. Can your marriage handle a threesome? What to do about delayed ejaculation? And how to get your girlfriend comfortable with licking her booty? All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man.

I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man.

I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man.

I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. I'm not a man. The world's got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. God, you should go check out our website. And also thank you to all my new subscribers and listeners. Man, we got new listeners this month. So many, welcome, welcome to Sex with Emily. Please, you know, send me your emails and thank you for sharing, you know, your questions and thank you for sharing the podcast with your friends and your

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Okay, guys, I'm really excited because I came across a study this week that I felt like they did it just for me or something, they did it just for you. It really echoes everything that I believe deep in my heart and that I've been talking you all about for 12 years, okay? So I first shared on Facebook, if you check it out my Facebook page

and you guys all really loved it, got lots of shares and interest. Okay guys, so here's the study. People who believe in a sexual somate have worse sex. So it was a recent study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology. They suggest sexual satisfaction is all in a person's head worse sex. So it was a recent study published in the journal personality and social psychology, they suggest sexual satisfaction is all in a person's head game, as in their beliefs about how they can maintain a feeling sex life. So what they did is they looked at two views. Okay, there's two

views. They said the belief that good sex comes from working at it with their partner, so do you believe in sexual growth or that it's the result of natural compatibility like sexual destiny like we just clicked and everything was perfect forever. So the participants were asked how much they agreed with these statements and this is like the basis of the study which one do you agree with more sexual relationships often fail because people don't try hard enough and the other statement was if a relationship is meant to be sex is easy and wonderful and here's what they found. Individuals reported more positive sexual experience and higher relationship equality

when they believed that sexual satisfaction requires work. And when people thought that it's, oh, it's just destiny that sex is just gonna be great, they had more frustrating sex and disappointing sex. So basically, it's like what I'm always saying you guys, it takes work, sex takes work, and it's like the best kind of work That like I hate saying it I was actually thinking about this going what else can I say besides work because when we hear work We like shut down, but guys

I'm just saying like why don't you talk about what really turns you on in bed and what feels good and then do that Like talk to your partner about it and together you can work to make a more fulfilling sex life But I always say that sex should be expansive because we're just going to get bored doing the same things over over again. And in fact, it is biology. I think a lot of us are attached to that honeymoon phase, you know, when we first get together with somebody. And this is determined by biology, you guys.

The first six months, two years, you're with someone. You've got all those hormones find the serotonin, the dopamine, all that stuff. Those are like the bonding hormones that make us connect and attach to a partner. And after that time, like I've said, your relationship, the sex life is gonna change. It just does its shifts. And I think a lot of us think, well, oh, the sex isn't as great anymore, so we don't have to work on it. And therefore, I should break up with this person. But for every relationship, you're gonna have to put in some efforts, but the people who do have better sex and have stronger relationships. So, if your sex life isn't perfect, that's so normal

and it doesn't mean that your relationship is in trouble. It doesn't mean that you gotta dump this person and find someone else for where the sex is gonna be perfect all the time, okay? And here's the final study part of it that really interests me was that men tend to endorse sexual destiny. Well, women tend to endorse sexual growth.

So men actually thought that I'm just going to meet this woman and sex is going to be amazing. And the women believe like, oh, I understand that sex takes more work. And it first has surprised me because I always thought that women were fed this notion of Prince Charming and they're just going to be this soulmate out there. But it turns out that it's the man who are thinking that's going to happen. That sex is going to be perfect. And the reason why I thought about it is because I think that women know, like we know. It takes a while for us to get comfortable with the partner

to feel safe with the partner, to have orgasms with the partner. We get it, like we don't expect to have like quick sexual satisfaction. And I think that men are more conditioned to be like, sex should be great. I had an orgasm, did you have an or off, you know, if you didn't have one or you didn't make noises or I didn't make you come, something's wrong with me.

So I think that that was really interesting to find out that men and women believe that. So I just think that the bottom line here is just remember that if your sex life isn't perfect, it's totally normal and it's fine. And the idea of sexual growth and the idea that you can work to have better sex and that it's not just something that's just gonna

magically appear or magically stay as amazing it was at the beginning. That notion just doesn't just hold new water, especially in this study. Because also think about this. Think about all the things in your life that you're good at. Maybe it's skills or hobbies or artistic pursuits or even your friendships or your relationships. These are things probably that you've worked on.

Like things that you feel really, that you're proud of and goals that you've met, it's because you had to work into them and it doesn't just come naturally to you, right? Everything that's come to me like if I look at my life and like I wasn't naturally first of all my first podcast Does anyone want to hear that? I mean, I could send to you. You think that was any good? No, not great Or being like a runner like I've run marathons, but the first time I ran it was for like three minutes and it took me years or Just anything we're gonna even relationship with my friends. I wouldn't have the same friends I've had for the last 20 years if I didn't call them and I wasn't there for them. You know, so just think about the things that matter in your life and think about when you look at your relationship, think

about okay, I know that sex is something that I think we often don't prioritize in our relationships. We just think it's going to always be great and we don't know what to do when it goes wrong. So here's my take home message for you that it's never too soon to start talking about sex to work on sex and it's totally normal. So whether you've been with someone for three months, if you've been with someone for 30 years, start talking about sex, understand that it's gonna take some work but it's like really, really fun work people, okay?

So I hope this triggers a wake up call and sexual growth is amazing and fun and sex is supposed to be fun. So let's all have a good time and have better sex. How's that? Okay, now we're going to give a little shout out to our sponsors. Thanks so much for supporting them. We appreciate it. All right, we're on to your emails. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the show, I love that. It's so easy to submit your questions. Go to sexwithm.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, fill out the form, hit submit, that's it.

It's so easy. You can also check the box that you'd like to be called or leave me a voice mail. 818-ask-sw-1-818-275-7931. And as always, please, please include your age where you live and how you listen to the show. We so appreciate it, and I can't wait to hear from you. This is from Nicole, she's 22 years old. Hi, Emily, my boyfriend and I have extremely enjoyable sex. He has recently told me that I should start trying to talk more during for-play and continue it through intercourse. I've never really watched porn because for one reason or another, I just can't get

myself to climax solo. So I'm not well versed in the best way to talk dirty. He watches porn often, so I'm sure he has some sort of stream of conversation in mind. When I ask him, he says it's not as genuine if he tells me what to say. I'm super afraid that I'll say something that's a little too far, I'll turn him off, and I'll think of that embarrassed feeling every time we have sex. I can't think of any sort of dialogue that would go smoothly. We both like extremely rough sex, so there's definitely an opportunity for me to speak up.

However, I just draw blank when the time comes. Should porn be my DIY tutorial? Do you have any tips? Help! Okay Nicole, thank you for your question, because I know a lot of women get so intimidated when we're starting out with a dirty talk thing. It's like, what do I say? What do I do? Do I want to sound like a porn star? He's going to think I'm trying to sound like a porn star. What if I do it wrong? But here's the good news.

There's no problem at all that you're not watching porn. In fact, I think it's a good thing that you're not. It'll serve you well on this dirty talking journey. Because the thing about porn is, first of all, like I always say, it's not the best place for people to learn to have sex. Technically, if you watch it, I'm always like, what? There's no way she's having an orgasm. He's nowhere near her clitoris right now. That's crazy.

And also, the things porn is mostly created for men, by men, it's visual, to visually please them. And what's happening there, again, not the best way to learn. So you don't have to behave or sound like a porn star. Like the dirty talk in porn is kind of just more dirty than it really is the right kind of dirty talk. Like think about it.

I was thinking about this again porn. It's like she might say something like, it's that all you got for me, big boy. Like it seems like it's kind of negative. And it's like, are you trying to mask this guy? Like, like really? He's gonna go, no, I don't have enough. So, I mean, yeah, no, don't watch porn, you're good.

So let's start with dirty talk 101. And here's the good news to call. You already have all the tools you need because here's the thing. It's not about what you say. It's not about what you say or the word you say. It's about how you say it. So, it's like the tone, okay?

Like the tone of your voice. So, for example, if you say, I want you so bad, right? I want you so bad. Just like in your everyday voice, like how was your day? Pass the mate love, right? That doesn't make do anything.

But if you slow down and like you stare into his eyes, like you'd use your like slower, more seductive voice, you're like, I want you so bad, right? That's the same words. A little hotter, right? Sexier. So that's one thing you want to slow down, kind of channel that inner goddess,

and also body language is important. Like if you're saying like even nice ass, you wanna make sure you're like looking as ass. And it probably if it does become more natural over time, like anything learning to top dirty is a skill. And a lot of your questions, everyone's questions that come and it's like, get so afraid because we haven't learned it yet. But you will learn and then I'm gonna teach you

and it's okay if you're uncomfortable, it's okay if you laugh at first or if it's awkward, but this is one of those that I think that's gonna go quickly, okay? Because practice does make it easier and it's not as complicated as you think. And here's a good thing. Awesome Nicole. I know he's asking you to talk dirty, but another good thing about dirty talk is I think you're going to find out that it really turned you on as well. And it's going to be like a next level for you guys. So he'll talk dirty to you. You'll talk dirty to him. Be like a whole new

fun thing. Just relax. And I'm going to walk you through a few more tips. So when you're really turned on, think about like what turned you on? Like when you're with them and you're like, oh my God, I really want them. Think about the thoughts that passed through your mind. So these are all things that you have at your disposal. So maybe you're thinking God, you know, feels the guvities inside me. I can't wait. You can say to them like, I can't wait to fill you inside me, right?

That's something that you might be thinking. You could also practice before you even start, because I always say four-play starts after last orgasm and was like, send your partner a sexy text or tell him what you wanna do next time you see him. I mean that. Like that really helps to arouse him, arouse yourself, like sets the mood.

So you can tell him, like, or you can text him this. If you wanna practice, you could say, like, tell him what you wanna do when you see him. And again, you could tell that when he's leaving in the morning. You say, like, I'm gonna get on top if you want to practice. You could say like, tell them what you want to do when you see them. And again, you could tell that one is leaving in the morning. You say like, I'm going to get on top of you and ride you. Or, you know, I can't wait to suck you. I can't wait to taste you. You know, however, whatever feels comfortable for you.

So you can kind of plant the seed for what's going to happen next. Also, moaning during sex, okay? Not talking, but it's moaning. So I think that a lot of women, we can't require during sex. Some of them just sort of don't make any noises at all. And there's actually been studies of some that when you make,

they're actually making more noises and more you breathe during sex and where you talk can actually increase your ability to orgasm. That's a good thing. So if you're like, I don't want to say just a moan. I mean, not a fake moan. I'm just like moan out of nowhere. Like if he's went to the bathroom and get a cup of water or something. But when he's thrusting, you can moan.

So you could also describe like a fantasy you have. So let's say you have a fantasy like having sex at a party. Maybe you just want to pull them outside. Maybe last week, you were, maybe Sarah night, you were at a party with them. And you're like, God, he's so hot. It's when I go on the bathroom and sex with them. So you could say to him like, when you're having sex, you're like, I was thinking about you last night.

And we were, you know, Joe's party that I just wanted to play in the bathroom and have sex with you. So like describe a fantasy that you're having, that you've had or that you're having. You can also talk about a memory. You can recall like a time that you had amazing sex. you've had or that you're having. You can also talk about a memory. You can recall like a time that you had amazing sex, like maybe the first time you had sex so you could say like, I remember that time

that my roommate came home and you know, we both had orgasms at the same time. We almost got caught. Like maybe that really turned you on or you could think about, what are some other common fantasy that you might have? Oh, the rough sex thing. Okay, you guys are into rough sex.

This is so perfect. Nicole, you can be like, you know, I've been thinking about you spaking me all day. Like, I want you to spank my ass. And, you know, so again, you describe things that have happened in the past that you want to happen or that are happening in the moment. That is just some really good, like rules of thumb

to follow when you are thinking about talking dirty. So, I think you, I really think you can do this. It might be awkward at first. You can think about some of these thoughts, some of these fantasies. This might be fun homework for you to, like some fun homework when you're masturbating. Yeah, so just remember don't be hard on yourself. Talk slowly, go slowly, it's a little bit about tone. And here's just a few, I pulled out a few of my

faves that are kind of good starters. God, you make me so wet. Your shoulders like so sexy. It feels so big. Okay, that's better than like, are you in yet? And I want more, is it all you got? You don't want to do that, right? You want to build them up. I love the way you feel inside me, or don't stop. So, you see, those can sound dirty, and you're not swearing, you're not, you know,

you're not using any words of dope out of comfort for you, and then you'll build up to those things. So, let me know how that goes Nicole. This is from Alton 31, Los Angeles. Hi, Emily, my wife and I've been together for 12 years married for 8. Lately we have been discussing having a threesome. In case this background is relevant, she unfortunately did experience child molestation. We have discussed this.

At times there are ways I touch her that bring up the past. The threesome would be something more per her than for me. She has always been curious about being with another female. She is often on contact with a friend from high school that's a lesbian. I will call her Kim. My wife is approached Kim with the idea of a threesome. Kim has no attraction whatsoever to men and wants to be at once no part in a threesome, which is understandable. However, Kim has told my wife that she would have sex with her. My wife said that she would like that with no involvement from me to see if having sex with another female is something

she likes. My wife said she would only do it once involvement from me to see if having sex with another female is something she likes. My wife said she would only do it once without me, with her always having an attraction to females, I'm concerned about how this would affect our relationship. What if she wants to continue to have sex with females without a threesome? In recent discussions, she said that she thinks that being with a female might not bring up the memories of her past. I feel like I shouldn't keep that from her. I'm also concerned about how it will affect our relationship. I need some advice. Thanks, Alton. Okay, Alton,

thanks so much for writing in because this is this is a really there's a lot going on here. That's a few layers here. Okay, first of all, her attraction to females. That's one of them and the other thing most important is that she is untreated sexual trauma. And the trauma is a thing we have to focus on first. Because untreated trauma, like sexual abuse, and all that stuff, we don't deal with it as a direct impact on your emotional and relational well-being. And when it's left untreated, it can be so distressing, so unsatisfying, and really hard to have a healthy sex life and a healthy relationship. And even if she thinks, like, oh no, it only comes up when you touch me in these certain ways. I promise you that it's

been repressed. And there's other ways it's also impacting her life. So I feel like that's the first order of business because it just to be honest. I mean, I don't want to kind of bring you down here, but just over the years or together, it's going to keep coming up if she doesn't get into therapy and start talking about it. And this will eventually, you know, this will help you and her. You know, and let's pretend the trauma wasn't there, which it is, it's understandable completely that you'd be concerned having your wife have sex with someone else. Just like she'd be concerned.

If you went off with another woman, there might be some guys going, yeah, that'd be hot. Think about my wife having a threesome, you know? Okay, well, you're that guy. This is not Alton, and Alton, this is totally like legitimate, and I get your concerns. I would just say though, before you even cross that bridge,

like I think that she shouldn't have sex with other woman. You know, the threesome is not the discussion here. The threesome is really about her getting in some good therapy, getting treatment, and figuring out how you guys can make your sex life healthier. Once that sorted out, then you can bring up the threesome situation again. Thank you for writing Alton. I appreciate it. I love hearing from you guys. It's so fun. Do you know I still, I love my job? I really do. Okay, this is from Tammy. She's 38. Okay, dear Emily, my boyfriend I've been together for a year and I'm crazy about him. I'm 38 and he is 46. We have an active sex life and have sex several times a week at minimum if not every day.

My question is a topic I haven't heard you discuss so much before. I usually have multiple orgasms when we have sex, but it's extremely rare for him to orgasm and ejaculate from sex with me. Regardless of the position, vaginal, oral, anal, typically what happens is we get exhausted from going for so long. He finishes manly with his hand, though I usually stay involved, kissing, and touching, etc. I sometimes feel panic that he doesn't enjoy sex with me the way I do with him, or that what I'm doing doesn't get him there.

I think it's mostly a function of a meeting a certain pressure or rhythm to get off that I simply can't do for very long. Please help. I would like to be responsive for making him feel as amazing as he makes me feel. I've read quite a bit of undilated ejaculation and can't figure out what to make of any of it. Thanks, Tammy.

Okay, Tammy, that's right, that's you, you got it. I mean, this, this to me, I'm not seeing him, you know, he's not sitting here in front of me, I'm not seeing him. You know, he's not sitting here front of me I'm not a doctor in that way. I can't treat him But the truth is he's got it sounds to me like delayed ejaculation five of my bets on it That's what's going on because typically what happened with the delayed ejaculation is if a guy can't orgasm During intercourse or takes the 30 minutes or longer to ejaculate It's typically like you know, he can't reach climax or he can ejaculate,

that's kind of the definition of delayed ejaculation. And it's not like there's a time set on it, like it could be an hour, it could be 20 minutes, so it's not like 30 minutes to make it, but that sounds to me like everything that you've said that you're having sex, you're having multiple orgasms and that it's a case of delayed ejaculation. And so the only thing about delayed ejaculation,

it's a little tricky because there's a lot of different causes You know it could be like health condition. It could be like he could be on medication It could be you know drinking and what I want to know is have you Tammy have you talked to him about it because you It sounds to me like you're making assumptions that you're not bringing in pleasure and that he's frustrated because the the only time It's a problem just like a lot of things like sex addiction like how do you know if someone's addicted to porn You know well if it's having consequences if they can't get to things, like sex addiction, like how do you know if someone's addicted to porn, you know, well, if it's having consequences, if they can't get to work on time,

if they're, you know, the whole relationships are ruined. So if he seems happy with their sex life and you've talked about it, I feel like you're creating this in your head that like he wants something more from you and he's not getting it. Again, it's only a problem if it's, you know, causing ongoing stress for either one of you.

So is it causing him stress? This is what we need to know. We need to find this out. If it's causing him stress, either one of you. So is it causing him stress? This is what we need to know. We need to find this out. If it's causing him stress, if he's not satisfied, because otherwise, I mean, you're killing it. You're having multiple orgasms. You're having a good time. And no matter, of course you're exhausted

because going for ID to the guy that gets one's two, this is before I think I was even doing my show and I was like, so confused. I was like, I'm pretty good. Right, like I'm like, I can give low jobs. I can do this, but like, you know, after half an hour, like, please, you know, I'm gonna get like some TMJ or something, like, it's gonna be a whole thing.

It's like oral sex. It's the whole thing. It's having sex. He just can't ejaculate with you and just only with his hand. And I'm wondering again, does it happen? Like, is it situational? Does the other thing you gotta check out? Sometimes it happens during certain situations

or it can happen occasionally. So I think you talked to him about it before you create the scenario in your head that you're not pleasing him and find out. Has this always been the case? Is he concerned about it? And if so, he should go see his doctor, get tested, and figure out, there's a lot of different tests

they can do and figure out what's going on. So otherwise, besides all that, it sounds like you guys are having wonderful sex because if he's not complaining and you're creating this to your head, which a lot of us do, that might never be a problem at all. So have a little talk with them. You guys is all about communication.

Communication is a lubrication, you guys. And that's why I love that you're emailing me because I can like, we can talk about it and it's like, talk to your partner first, see what they say. And we all create stories in our mind that aren't necessarily true. Okay, this is from James.

He's 29 and he's from Houston. Hi, Emily. I've been listening to this show for a while and I'm finally getting the nerve to send in my own question. I've been with my girlfriend for over two years now and I think she's the sexiest woman in the world. I've opened up to her that her butt, slash booty, thank you for breaking that down.

Drives me wild and that my fetish is licking it or having her bum on my face. She's let me a few times but now she's completely stopped. She makes me feel guilty for liking her bomb and making comments that she wishes I liked her vagina. I've tried making her feel like I'm all about a vagina by going down in her, but she always says it tickles or it's too sensitive. It's frustrating because she won't tell me if there's something I should do differently when I go down in her.

I've also brought up that would make me very happy to lick her bomb again, but she won't that me. I'm at a loss and what to do. I'm much more adventurous than her than she is, and it's getting frustrating. What should I do? Thanks, James. Okay, James, this is another one I got on Packview here. It sounds like you're kind of putting the carpet

for the horse or like the booty before her vagina, in some ways. The fact that she says it tickles, so first, okay, here's what's going on. She's saying it's your only eye bum, and now I want you to be my vagina, and then you're part of a vagina, and she's like, it tickles, it doesn't feel good.

So you kind of can't win here, and I get why you're really frustrated. I'm glad that we're talking about this, because what I'm hearing here is she might not know, even though you guys have been together, I think you said two years, and you didn't say your age, James, I'm still reading your question,

even though, did you say your age? Yes, you're 29, it's all right. I'm gonna assume that maybe she's like your age, James. I'm still reading your question, even though, did you say your age? Yes, you're 29, it's okay. I'm gonna assume that maybe she's like your age as well. So I am a school of you. I didn't mean to that, James, you're awesome. So 29, listen, there's no age, like, she really even together two years, she could be your age, you know, 20, 25, whatever.

She might know what makes her feel good. She might not actually even be enjoying sex. She have it not because of you. Has she had orgasms? Do you know what makes her feel good? Do you know what makes her feel good? Does she know what makes her feel good? Does she orgasm? Does she orgasm during intercourse?

That's what we got to get to the bottom of here because now she's not into oral and you didn't mention your sex life or butt stuff, but you're having great sex, you might have to settle for that. But I was going to first get to start giving you tips about the butt stuff because I can tell you there if you can kind of get her through this and you figure out, okay, yeah. She actually really does, you know, she doesn't like oral because the truth is some women don't like oral sex. Those women, I just can't imagine that,

but there are many women just like, you know, there are few guys who don't like oral. I think, I think there's guys who don't like oral. I've heard that, but definitely there are some women who say they make it uncomfortable. So if we get to the bottom of the orgasm thing or the vagina thing, she might feel like it's really dirty or it's wrong or it feels taboo, which a lot of butt-play feels for so many people. Yes, we hear about anal sex all the time. It doesn't mean that taboo

has been abolished. It has not. It still exists in the world. So you might want to start with your fingers, like lightly like using some lube and like using your fingers and caressing around her butt, like around the hole, and before you even start licking it. So you might need to work up just like any other sex act, like you want to start slow and you want to just like, maybe just with your tongue she's like, oh my god, I've never even had anything down there. Okay, James, so I think it's time

you just go on a fact-finding mission here. Have a talk, not in the bedroom, when you're at dinner, have a glass of wine, when you're on a road trip, have a chat with her and find out what's really going on and what turns her on. In a very loving, like, let's just have amazing sex, and I'm trying to understand what makes you feel good. You know, not like, oh, I won't truly let me lick your butt,

because she's just gonna keep running away from you if you keep bringing up the butt thing. I promise. Okay, thanks, James. Okay, this is from Estafina. Hi, Emily. I can't get enough of your show. I absolutely love it.

To give you a little background in 2015, I ended a relationship that lasted almost four years. At the time, I was confident about my body and my sex performance. However, he ended up cheating on me with a friend of my mother's who was nine years older than him, skinnier, harder than me, and very experienced and bad, according to comments I've heard. Anyway, I was devastated. I'm now in a new relationship with the sky that I love and makes me really happy.

However, it's been 11 months and I never let him see me naked in the light. I can easily count the times I've let him go down to me although your show has helped me a lot with that. Whenever I give him oral, I feel very insecure at what I'm doing. Whenever we finish having sex, I get dressed immediately. And whenever I fall asleep naked with him,

I wake up in the middle of the night to get dressed. All this dude to my bad body image. This is regardless of how many times he tells me he loves me that he thinks that I'm super hot and that we have great sex and that he begs me to let him give me oral. I have also got a theory of it, nothing helps. I really hope there's something you can say or recommend. I want to be more confident in sex and I have gained a lot of inspiration and motivation from your show, you're saving my sex life.

Yet I don't know where to start. What can I do to feel more comfortable naked? What do you guys think about when they see their woman naked in bed or on the shower? Do you think my boyfriend would see the flaws I see? How do I truly know that I'm giving him what he wants in bed? Thanks, Estefania. Oh, Estefania, this is a good question because I think that so many women listening to this can completely relate to this can completely

relate to this email in one way or another. First of all, I love the show has helped you and motivated you. That's great. So keep listening. I'm going to start with the easy parts here, okay? What do you guys think when they see the woman naked in bed? Guess what? He's naked in bed with you because he's attracted to you and he's hot for you and always

thinking about his wow, I can't believe she's having sex with me she's so hot and I'm so turned on right now. He's not looking at whatever you perceive your flaws to be he's not looking at any of that they're not paying attention to that. First of all you would know it if you were dating someone and douche like that that was you probably wouldn't be seeing Boon through again okay. This guy you've been with him he's trying to you know he's telling you how much he loves you Boon with him for 11 months and it's a great relationship so I can guarantee you that that's all he's thinking about. And he's telling you all the time. But here's the thing with low

self-esteem and body image, which you know, I think that we all have in one way or the other self-esteem issues, whatever it's related to is that it doesn't, unfortunately, no matter how much, how many times are other people reinforced and tell us how great, beautiful, and smart and wonderful we are, it doesn't work. Because the secret to this, like the secret is that you have to learn to love yourself and love your own body. And that is a lot easier said than done. I'm sure he's like, I don't understand, you know, I love her so much, and I really, really do think you're beautiful

and sexy. So here's a little good news here. We can trace this back to a very specific situation that happened to you. You have kind of pro-traumatic stress, I think, after this relationship with this guy who cheated on you, you know, with an older woman, and you heard that you skinnier and hotter and you've internalized this and think that you're not worthy because you've rejected you, you're thinking in your mind. You've created that he went off with this older woman because you and some way were flawed, which let me tell you, it had zero to do with you and everything to do with him being

himself and wanting to be with another woman just because guys and women were like this. We want more affirmation from somebody else. The conquering it feels good. I'm telling you, it's not like, oh, she's skinnier than you. Oh, she is blonde here and my girlfriend is brown here. None of that. And I got to tell you, I don't know if this is going to make you feel good or not. It had nothing to do with you.

It was that there was somebody else there, okay? But that doesn't change the impact that this has had in yourself is still going forward. And so what we have to do is like reframe the situation and the way you think about yourself and your body because you can, you actually know what it feels like to be confident and you know what it feels like to not have these thoughts in your head

because it sounds like you didn't have that in your past relationship. And so there's a lot of women who had it like their entire life and not that it's any easier, but I'm saying we can get you back to that time that when you felt really good about yourself, okay? And it's really close to where you're at now. I know you said you've tried therapy. Whenever I hear it, we'll say that it doesn't work.

It's because it doesn't work if you only go for a month. It actually doesn't even work if you only go for two months. Therapy is the kind of thing that it's a commitment and you go every day and you really like you go and you think about it and you process and you might have to go for a year, okay? Like that's kind of the sweet spot for therapy when it kicks in.

And I think that everybody needs therapy. At some point in their life, and in fact, it's ongoing, okay? Therapy's like getting your card tuned up. You need to go and you need to get yourself checked out in your life, you might go every time for a few years. You might not go again for 10 years, but everybody's a little therapy. Here's just a few things, okay? Don't be mean to yourself, okay? Or anyone else, like when you think about it, when you think about the way

you judge yourself and you think about your preoccupation that you have with your outward body appearance, it can get me really unhealthy. And so I just think that if you can like learn to think like it's really a matter Would I say reframing it's checking these thoughts like how many times a day you're saying these things and once you start to recognize them You can like switch them and like be like you know I'm not gonna say these things to myself Would you say these negative thoughts to a friend of yours or to someone you love? So it's replacing them with thoughts like you know, I'm beautiful. I feel really good about myself I'm strong. I'm working out. I'm being healthy. I love my eyes. I love, you know, I'm beautiful, I feel really good about myself, I'm strong, I'm working out, I'm being healthy,

I love my eyes, I love my, you know, think about the things that you love about yourself. There's like certain exercises you can do, like practicing, like looking at your body in the mirror and like thinking like, what do you love about yourself? Because I'm sure there are so many things about you that are absolutely beautiful. So it's like replacing the sauce,

and if you're gonna realize the triggering thoughts or they're happening, and then you can just reflame them and turn them around. And we really, it's about what you're going to have to get to is like knowing your body, loving your body and accepting your body. And a lot of this accessory for a sexual self esteem, it really does come from masturbation. If you've been listening to this show or masturbation will help you because the more that you spend time like a loan with yourself and like really appreciating all the amazing things that your beautiful body can do, like the way your breasts feel,

like when you touch them and the way it feels to like give yourself an orgasm in all the different spots that turn you on, you're gonna feel more empowered and you're gonna feel like when you're in bed with a guy, you're gonna feel like I know what I want and I'm this like sexual goddess and you'll be like, just much more connected to your body. And I feel like right now you're completely disconnected

because you're in your head criticizing yourself. So even if you don't feel like masturbating, I think just breathing and meditating, like breathing into your pelvic floor, doing keglexer sizes are really, really helpful. Like when you're taking deep breaths and you breathe it like all the way through your body through your pelvic floor, that's a really great way to connect with your body and what you're feeling in the moment. And when you listen to your body, it doesn't lie to you, okay? So if you're listening to your body and you're connected, when you start seeing the amazing things your body can do,

and if you're taking care of yourself and you're eating healthy and you're exercising, like it doesn't lie to you. So getting the right need of nutrition and like, you know, sleeping well and like dealing with stress and anxiety, you're gonna know when you're treating yourself right. I really think that just listening to those messages

reframing the negative thoughts, writing, keeping a journal, and this might all sound like new age, you're like, oh, you got to keep a journal. I'm telling you, if you start to write down these thoughts, like, how many times did you say, I'm just grabbing a journal, maybe you write down the notes in your phone and you're like, I'm fat, I feel unworthy. And then you start like changing those around. And I want you to like write those thoughts down. And then I want you to write two positive things after that, that you can say about yourself, that feels good. And then you can go back to that list and replace them. And that's really what's going to help you.

And I also think that like, you know, not comparing yourself to others and getting rid of the people in your life that are make if there are people that are making you feel bad and making you, I don't know if you're like, anyone in your life is just, is criticizing you or telling you that you need to lose weight or that you're not attractive, whether it's real people or just the voices in your head, you've got to like just get rid of all the toxic people and thoughts.

And that's what's going to help you. And again, if you don't feel like any of this is work, I mean, I really do think that finding a really good therapist can help you get out of this hole and help you get out of this cycle that you're in because you're with a great guy. And I think that the confidence from sex comes from addressing these issues and then also being more confident in the bedroom, which will come through masturbation, breathing, and writing these things down is being more conscious of your bedroom which will come through masturbation, breathing, and writing these things down is being more conscious of your thoughts. Those are my tips for you there.

And it's a process, don't beat yourself up, don't be hard on yourself, we all do it, but I'm telling you, you can overcome these things. I know you can, can do it, we've all done it. Go easy on yourself, you are loved. Okay everyone, thank you so much for emailing me. I love hearing from you. Thank you to everybody here, Thank you to my amazing team.

Thank you to Ken and Helena and producer Lark and Jamie and Michael. And also thanks to my listeners. I love you as you know we've had some record-breaking months here. It's insane how many new listeners we have. So welcome to the Sex with Emily family. Please send in your questions and follow us in social media. I'm getting really good again back here. I love my Snapchat, Instagram, all that stuff. It's all at Sex with Emily and it's facebook.com, slash sex with Emily. Thank you all. Thanks for listening.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you