Sex With Emily - Trauma and Self-Love w/ Tana Amen

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Content Warning: This episode mentions abuse, rape, and murder.Tana Amen is the VP of Amen Clinics and New York Times best-selling author whose latest book “The Relentless Courage Of A Scared Child��� explores how she overcame perfectionism, dating the wrong people, an eating disorder, and many incidences of childhood trauma. Tana shares how revealing her long-hidden secrets freed her up to be her authentic self.For more information about Tana Amen, visit: https://tanaamen.com/For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a male obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I'm talking to Tana Aiman. She's a New York Times bestselling author. She's the vice president of the Aiman Clinics. She's a neurosurgical ICU trumminers, a renowned health and fitness expert.

She's a neurosurgical ICU trumminers, a renowned health and fitness expert. She's a two-time black belt cancer survivor mom, and her new memoir, The Ridletless Courage of a Scared Child. You can get it now at RidletlessCourage.com. It comes out January 5th. I found this book to be so relatable, and I so enjoyed our interview. Tonnet, I go deep into what it's like to write a memoir that involves revisiting all those traumatic experiences that shaped her upbringing. I mean, have you ever thought,

no one's gonna love me if they know the real me? If I tell these my secrets, they're not gonna love me, but we're only as sick as our secrets. So we dissect the negative self-talk that a lot of us are just plagued with. And she walks us through her healing journey, like Tana says, We dissect the negative self-talk that a lot of us are just plagued with. She walks us through her healing journey like Tana says, no matter what you've been through, you can work through it and come out even stronger on the other side.

I think you're really going to enjoy this episode. Intention with Emily, for each episode, let's set an intention together. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of it? Well, it could be, I want to stop being afraid of showing people who I really am. Well, my intention is to show you what actually happens when you face your fears, you face your secrets, your inner demons head on, and you do the work to overcome them.

All right, survey, we have a new survey. It's our Better Sex Survey sponsored by Pure. And I just want to hear what you have going on now, what are your sex goals sponsored by Pure. And I just want to hear what you have going on, what are your sex goals for the year. And a lot of you have been emailing me and saying, oh, thanks for your survey. I actually got me thinking about my own sex life and I learned something. So I would love if you could check it out. It's really easy to take. It is sexwithemily.com slash survey. And I appreciate you. It really helps us make a even stronger show because I want to know what you like

and what you want to hear. And just remember, if you have any questions at all that you want to ask me, just call me directly. It's Monday through Friday, five to seven PM Pacific. And I can just help you take the next right step. It's like little mini doses of therapy. The number is AAA9478277. That's AAA9478277.'s tripled eight, 947-8277.

All right, enjoy the show. What I thought was so great, your book, you were able to reveal, probably for the first time, a lot of really deeply personal things that a lot of us have. And we would not, we think, oh, we wouldn't tell anyone. It's what holds us back.

So congratulations on it. And I want to know, like, how did this book come about? Like, why now? You know, I often say if you don't want to heal yourself or your relationships, don't marry a psychiatrist. So for some reason, Daniel, from the time I met him, just thought that I should tell my story. He thought that it would be helpful to a lot of people and me, like many people who have

suffered through or lived through, survived through a traumatic past. You know, it was like, you're crazy. I'm never talking about this. I am never going to bring up my past. There's no reason for me to. I've done my healing. I've done my part, why am I gonna relive this?

I don't need to do that. It was very personal, and also there's a lot of reasons. I mean, I have a little girl, and I wanted to make sure that before any of this came out, she was at the right age, but eventually over time, it just started to feel like the right time. I had a number of people through our platform say, I look to you for inspiration,

because if you can do it, I can do it. And I'm like, wow, okay, that's saying a lot because they really haven't told them. I haven't said much. So I felt like I was almost not being totally authentic because here these people were looking to me for inspiration, but they didn't know the deep bark stuff. And it just felt like if they really needed that kind of support, maybe I should be really honest. I mean, you really did.

You revealed so much in here. I mean, it's like you talk about trauma in your home and and having cancer and abuse, you know, emotional neglect and molestation and, you know, attack by somebody. And there was just there's just so much gunshare and gunshot wounds having an uncle killed in front of you. I mean, there's a lot that goes on in here. So, so I was wanting, first off, the experience of writing the book must have been healing. Can you tell you about the journey of just writing it? You know, it was and one thing I'll say to people listening, if they've got a really, you know, intense story, if you think about writing a memoir, it's tricky when

people are alive. So this is actually the very family-friendly version, as you might imagine, because most of the characters in my book are alive. And they don't necessarily want their stories told. So I really tried to do it in a way where it is, I paint the picture, but I don't get into the gory details of other people's lives. Because it was actually more colorful than it is in the book.

And so when you say, and even my publisher said, wow, that's a lot to happen to one person in their lifetime. I'm like, this isn't even close to all of it. And here's the thing, people who go through trauma or chaos in their childhood, one thing I've learned about resilience, I did a lot of research on resilience. It's the sign of resilience. It's the sign of a resilient person to minimize what you've been through. So when I met Daniel, he kept saying, wow, okay, that's like you've been through a lot for a psychiatrist

to say that, you know, that that's probably not a good sign. He said, that's a lot of stuff that you've overcome. And I thought, no, it's not. I mean, I know people who have overcome more, right? I know people, I worked in a trauma unit. I know people who are trained to radiate or for like their entire childhood or who were sex trafficked or, you know, and I would compare it to these like crazy really out there situations.

But that's a sign of resilience, is people minimize something in order to make their situation not that bad or not as bad so that they can get through it. Right. And it wasn't until I sort of did my own work that I realized, oh, yeah, I've overcome a lot. You know, I'm kind of bad-ass. You are a bad, in some ways I could really relate to a lot because I think that people like, oh, you're so resilient, you keep getting up, is resilience in your research or what you found?

Well, part of resilience is important for us to look at. Like it is a trait, but it can also be kind of protecting us in a way, from things just like that. Well, I think you just said it. I think it protects us, right? So people who are resilient, yeah, they minimize things and maybe that's not always a good thing, right? There's a time that you want to address stuff,

but there's a time to address things and there's a time not to address things. So there are some people who that's not always a good thing, right? There's a time that you want to address stuff. But there's a time to address things, and there's a time not to address things. So there are some people who that's all they can do. All they can do is be stuck in their trauma. All they can do is be stuck in that victim mode. And that's not a judgment. It's just a fact. Some people are just really, that's all they can think about.

And that makes it hard to move on and do what needs to be done. So that's sort of the opposite end of the spectrum of resilience. Resilient people are like, yeah, I got stuff to do, so this is going to have to go on the back burner, this isn't as bad as it could be, they'll like minimize it and they'll move on. That doesn't mean they've necessarily taken the time to heal, right? But they'll bounce back. But for me at least there was a time when it's like, all right, now I feel safe enough, I actually want to address the root cause of this stuff. I actually want to move on from it. So it was necessary for me. I didn't want to feel like a victim. And at the same time there came a point where it's like, all right, I'm resilient, but it's

time to deal with this. Okay, that's a great example because it's like, yes, I can keep being resilient for the rest of my life, but there's still something in me. So that's kind of what happened. I mean, I really love how you revealed, so much of your journey. And then the point in your book where the healing starts, and a lot of it was through meeting Daniel, and it sounds like he gifted you the EMDR, which I've been in the EMDR therapy for about two and a half years.

And this is life changing. And so, can you, so would you say that's, because I'm always advocating for EMDR, but for you, do you think that's when the layers started to really, you started feeling back more layers, starting that 100% 100%. You know, Emily, you deal with a lot of people. You do a lot of interviews, even looking at you, you're this beautiful, successful woman. There are just some of us that know how to put on a facade, right? And that was, I was one of those people. I had built this facade. It's like, just don't just don't look under the surface and in fact, I'm not going to let you. So it's like, you need to stay there because I have built this wall. I've got, you

know, the paint, the hair, the makeup, the whole thing, the clothes. I was successful. So I was accomplished in fact, perfectionism and accomplishments were how I sort of dealt with stuff. And so on the outside, even Daniel, when he first met me, he was like, wow, you know, this is like, this is a good package. But I had to keep people at a distance in order for them to see that package. And that's when he started to realize,

this is like, wait a minute, you keep people too much at a distance. And for someone who's psychologically savvy, they can see through that. Yeah. And so he kept nudging and I kept pushing back. And I broke his heart like several times because he's such a great guy.

I didn't trust him. And that's one of the downsides of going through everything that if you go through trauma as a child, especially things like being molested or date raped or things like that, sexual trauma, there's, you have a hard time trusting. And so for me, it's like I went to extremes. So there was a point where I felt very much

like a victim as a child. And then in my 20s, I was like, I'm done. I'm done being a victim. I'm done feeling like a victim. Do these things that happen to me are not my fault, they're their problem, not mine. But I went to an extreme. It's like I need to learn how to play their games better than they do. It's a game. I got to win. And so I was like, let's just say I was fairly emasculating for a

while. It's just so common. I understand that you were like, okay, that's what happened to me, but now I'm going to drive. And then you accomplish so much. You're going to trauma unit. I mean, I have all your things there, like becoming a nurse. I want to get say this right, though, your nurse, you became a neurosurgical ICU nurse. A neurosurgical ICU nurse. So you will just keep going and getting the degree and you're like, I'm going to show them and you did that. And yet, then you meet this guy. I love when I got to the part about you meeting Daniel, because I actually wrote down this quote, and I just, and I really just took this moment. I go, this is what

so many of us, including myself, get stuck in this place. And I thought it was beautiful because it's when you went to go see Byron Katie, who I'm a huge fan of her work. It's the work. And it's the five or the four to five question she asks you about your limiting beliefs. And I'm just going to cut to this part here. You said, you're one of your greatest fears is no one would love me if they knew the real me. And then also I can't love others because I'm afraid they're going to see the truth about me.

And then I don't love me, which is why I can't accept the truth about me. And then I don't love me, which is why I can accept the truth about me. And so I just want to say that I do believe that our universal truth is that we are going to be many of us feel like we're going to be abandoned. And we we're not going to have enough love. And we feel that we're not loveable. And then it comes out and permeates everything we do. And in saying that and you said it out loud in front of your partner and Byron Katie like to me, can you talk about working through that? I am not lovable. I have to hold these secrets in because once I revealed my authentic self, my life will

be over. I mean, you worked through that in such a beautiful way. Well, there's so much shame that we, I mean, wow, it just, I mean, I know it's a lot. It's a lot more, right? Because first of all, if you grow up in trauma and chaos, that's one layer. But then even just as young girls, we're so often taught, be polite, be quiet.

We have our voice taken away in some way. So be a good girl. This generation's a little different. I certainly raised my daughter differently. Now we say she's either going to be the leader of a gang or the leader of a free world, or not sure which one. Because I intentionally was like, I am not raising her to lose her voice in a dangerous situation.

She needs to be able to speak up. If she's wrong, she can apologize later. But if she's in a dangerous situation, I want her to have her voice, and I never took that from her. So we just have to guide it. But we were not, most of us, especially in my generation, I'm in my 50s, we weren't raised that way.

And so you've got all these layers of how we end up in this place where we feel like we can't totally be our authentic selves. And now you, if you've ever been overpowered or felt overpowered, either by being molested or attacked or raped or any of those things, you just, you start to feel like it's safer to be quiet. It's safer to be hidden. Or you go to the opposite extreme like I did at one point,

and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be better at this than they are, and I'm gonna win this game. Right. And so you, I started to become the thing I hated. I became manipulative, if you will. It just, and I kept men at a distance. So emotionally, I sport-dated. It's like I'm not going to, I'm not getting close. You're not gonna get close to me.

And I was actually honest about it at that level. It's like, look, I'm doing you a favor. Right, you're office, right. You're not office. And it was Daniel who went, yeah, no, I think I do. You need to, me make that decision. And he just wouldn't, he wouldn't let it go. You know, but I kept waiting for the other shoot-of-fall.

I kept waiting for, I'm like, nobody's this nice. He's not gonna be this good guy. And he's the one that took me to see Byron Katie. He's like, I feel like you need to meet this woman. And it was so mind-bending to find out in this situation. And she just turned your thoughts inside out. You know, if you've ever done her work, it's just it's mind bending how it works. I did her nine day workshop at one point and you come out a different person.

And you turn all your thoughts around and you come to realize, we don't see the world way it is. We see the world the way we are. So if you are still living in this place of hurt or you're living in this place of defensiveness, that's what you see. How are you going to make positive changes if that's where you are? And it was actually seeing her that turnaround that you just read was what then led me to believe I could finally do therapy. Before that, I was like, I am not going to a therapy, bang in my head up against a wall for two years and telling you how screwed up my mom is. That's what happened.

Exactly. Right. I might not even jump to a head here because I think that was such a, I wanted to get to that, but it is true. We just kind of talk about that because the reason why it really spoke to me is because and you also went through eating disorder and you said you sat down with Byron Katie because this happened actually on my show last night. I have a woman who works with me, our intern.

And we were doing a show and she spoke up and said, she said, I really don't, I don't love my body. I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm struggling through the quarantine. I've gained all this weight. And I actually, it said to her, I'm like, well, what's your limiting? And I kind of tried to do with her,

but it was sort of on the fly and she wasn't expecting it. But then I actually read through your chapter. This was just last night. I was like, oh, I want to read this part again. And it was just like bam. And so, and every woman on our Zoom for our show was like, I have that too. I have that too. And to overcome that body, you were all going to have stuff we don't like about our body.

But maybe you could walk us through that experience of going to Esteline, which I know I've been there. I'm saying I'm like, we are very similar in many ways. Maybe could we break that down a little bit about our limiting beliefs? to Esteline, which I know I've been there. I'm saying I'm like, we are very similar in many ways. Maybe could we break that down a little bit about our limiting beliefs? Like, I'm not loving our bodies. And how, I mean, there was the one part where you met Byron Katie and she said, how long have you had the eating disorder? I was laughing.

I was laughing. You're like, how do you know? Right, like what? I hear on the Queen of like being like perfect on the outside. Nobody knows. They all think I have it together. Even Tainel didn't know. And so even he didn't figure knows. They all think I have it together. Even Daniel didn't know. And so even he didn't figure it out.

And so I just told him. And I thought he told her. And I mean, she just like could see right through me. And I was, it was so shocking to me that she could just see right through me. And so, Hey, let's talk to it. So you said down and she was like, well, what's,

how long have you been dealing with this, this eating disorder? And then you said, well, you know, first you're like Daniel, with this eating disorder? Right. And then you said, well, you know, first, you're like, Daniel, you know, did you tell, no, she can just tell, you know, just, you got to understand the work from Byron Katie. We could put links and show notes, but, but how did it help you work through self-esteem? Yeah. My, my limiting belief was, when I finally got to the turnaround, when I finally got to the root of it, it started out as nobody would love me if they knew me.

It ended up the turnaround on that was, I don't love me because I know the truth, and I can't love others. Because I have to keep people out of distance, because if they got, if I love them or if I love the other people, they will see the true me. Those were my turnarounds.

That's when I realized, oh, wow, it's not them, it's me. But then from there, we went to her other, we went to Estelen, so the first meeting was a separate meeting, we went to Esteline, and she asked the one question, what do you hate about your body? And it just opened up this like huge, just enormous, just let me just say Pandora's box, if you will, with women in the audience. It was crazy, there were several hundred people there, and, if you will, with women in the audience. It was crazy. There were several hundred people there, and I could just hear the craziness in the room, and at this point, I'm still not talking to anybody.

I'm there perfectly made up. I mean, you've been dastling. It's like, I'm not talking to these. Right, I'm like, I'm made up. I'm in, you know, I'm making up hair the whole thing. I'm not talking to anybody. Like, these are not my people. They're not my people.

And so, like, I'm not gonna sit here and These are not my people. They're not my people. And so I'm not going to sit here and bitch, moan, wine, complain about all my issues. This is not going to happen. And all of a sudden, I could hear this woman in the back, start talking about the thing she hates about her body. And you know when you just know by someone's voice, I'm like, wait, she's like significantly older than me, but I'm looking at my list and I'm like, but her list is identical to mine. That's weird.

I turn around and she was, I don't know, maybe 300 pounds and she's much older than I am and she's not well. She's like physically not well. I'm like, sort of in my prime and I'm like, I'm confused. How is it that I have the same list as somebody who is older than I am, who's struggling with other issues, not my issues, different issues, but we have the same list? Then another woman said, I'm like, now I'm getting uncomfortable. And then I'm like, I'm not going to say anything. And then another woman stands up and she's like, I hate my body and her list is

similar to mine and she's like, and I vomit my food. I'm like, oh my god, I'm leaving this place. This is so uncomfortable. Because now I'm just getting too close to home. I almost felt like people were going to turn on to look at me because she said it. Right. Right. And then a third person stood up and she starts talking about how her husband left her for a much younger woman and she's describing how the woman, you know, was in really good shape. And she wanted to be like her and she wanted to learn how to manipulate men because if she could manipulate men the way this woman did that she'd be able to manipulate him and he'd still be with her. And I'm like, okay, this is just way too much.

All of this is just too much. And I ended up standing up because the woman she described sort of sounded like me. And I'm like, okay, this is so weird. All these three women from very different places and their lists are almost identical. And so then I ended up standing up and reading mine. And it's the first time I've ever really stood up and opened up and it was very sort of dramatic for me and crazy.

And what I realized and took away from that is that we all hate our bodies the same. Our lists are pretty much the same. There are no new original thoughts. And to this day, whenever I'm coaching women, they have the same. There are no new original thoughts. And to this day, whenever I'm coaching women, they have the same thoughts. And let's talk about it was like, I, if I only lose five pounds, I'm old, things are falling. I, I, my skin is sagging once I lose these three pounds, then I'll be happy, then I'll think of, if only if only I was a size four, I think you

would have went on a size four and they're looking at you. They're like, you are a size four, but you still have your things. We're never happy with anything that we get. There's always gonna be that thing. And so, I mean, and I thought, and I was with you on that, I was literally like how you were saying that you, you're like, I'm not standing up.

And I've been in, because I've also been in so many workshops. I've done it all. I literally have done it. I think you've used some kind of like tea or something many workshops. I've done it all. I literally have done it. I think you've used some kind of like tea or something. Like they put something in it. Yeah, but I can't tell you how he times ten.

I didn't stand up. I'd be the one that didn't. So then you stand up. I'm like, you know, and in recent years I have, but then you stood up and you shared something and all the women just came around you. And it was just like, oh yeah. I tried to run out of the tent.

I'm like, I was so embarrassed. And now I'm trying to take it back. And so I. I tried to run out of the tent. I'm like, I was so embarrassed. And now I'm trying to take it back. And so I take off. I run out of the tent and they followed me. Like several women followed me. And I had one moment come up and she said, you know, I've been struggling with an eating disorder for 20 years.

And I realized when someone like you gets up and says what you said, it has nothing to do with my weight. Has nothing to do with how my body looks. I need to start looking for other answers. And she's like, if you're still struggling because I told them all, I said, you know, what? Guess what? I get up and kick my ass every day in the gym. I do all of these things. I, you know, I'm going to have to accomplish more and more and more. And I put on this perfect persona, even though that's not how I feel, whether

I'm sick or not, I do all these things and guess what, I still wasn't good enough. My marriage still felt part. It's not good enough. It's never good enough. And then that's when they said, oh, wow, okay, well, if you can't, if you're not happy with yourself, then it's clearly not my weight that's the problem. And we, right, if we don't love ourselves, how could anybody possibly love us? So I want to walk through this so then you realize at that moment, I mean, I had that moment in reading it and that's why everyone has to check out your book, The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child, How Persistent, Skrit, and Faith Created a Reluctant Healer.

I mean, that is such a powerful moment. So then from there, and I just want, I mean, everyone's going to read the book, but they just maybe there's just more higher level points than because then you realize, okay, I get up, I work out, I eat healthy, I look perfect, because you are such a beautiful woman and you're so accomplished. And that's when the work started with the trauma therapy, kind of unraveling the trauma. Yeah. And one of the things that inspired me, people always asked me, what is it that inspired you to get started with that? And you know, honestly, there was a moment that I looked at my daughter, I had a little girl, Chloe was two when I met Daniel. I had gone through a pretty awful divorce. And there was just something, she, there was just something

there. And I thought, you know, I'm not going to repeat this cycle. And I just, I realized that I was, I was putting bandages, I was trying to repeat this cycle. And I just, I realized that I was, I was putting band-aids, I was trying to like, layer band-aids over a bullet wound. And it was not gonna hold. And if I didn't actually get to the root cause of this thing, I was gonna repeat a cycle. I was gonna end up doing the one thing I said I would never do,

which is raise my daughter in a chaotic environment like I was raised. And that was really the big motivation. And so you were able to recognize patterns that you knew, this is just, and this is the problem. Most of us have these patterns that we don't even see. Like my mom always said to me, well, every generation is going to be better than next, but it's like barely, unless you do this work.

Like maybe you are raised with a little bit more money and a little bit more security, but the inherent trauma is gonna keep repeating. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break. So how do we recognize trauma? So you know what, I mean trauma that comes in so many forms. So I mean, you have to be somewhat introspective. I think journaling often helps. If you're struggling in some area of your life, you might want to start asking yourself why

you're struggling. And that's often a good question. It's like, why am I feeling this way? Why am I struggling? I didn't recognize that I had trauma at first. In fact, I hated that word. I couldn't say the words that I had been molested. I just couldn't say it until I actually entered therapy.

I think that so many people who go through trauma just can't sort of wrap their brain around that they were traumatized in some way until they actually something happened and it sort of breaks the dam, if you will. So I think journaling sometimes helps you to remember some of the things that happens. Or I mean, there's some people who are just willing,

they're just willing to go into it. I wasn't one of those people. It's like, I wasn't that fast of a learner, if you will. My life had to be broken enough before I was willing to acknowledge it. It's like, my rock bottom had a sub-basement. You have to keep going. You have to keep going, keep going.

But it's never too late either, right? It's never too late. I think that we can always start. There's a lot of talk therapy out there, which is great in some ways to just start. But I do think there's something about the EMDR, the I movement, desensitization, reprocessing. It is magical. Well, I was looking at something you said about it about how,

it was like the pieces of the puzzle come together that you just didn't see before. And I'm wondering if that helped you in writing the, because you have such great detail in your book. You remembered so many things. Was it through that? Was the therapy helpful? Absolutely.

So what would happen is I went, there were moments moments where I thought maybe I'm just not that smart. Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought I was even though I didn't really well in school and I was accomplished and I had money in the bank and a house and you know, but I thought maybe I'm not. Either I'm not that smart or I'm just not that good at life because I didn't really remember some of this stuff. There were some of the big things I remembered, but some of this stuff like I started therapy and I it's not that I didn't remember them. I did. I remembered that my uncle was murdered. I remember it vividly. But I never thought of it as a traumatic moment like Jordan saying I never put it together. And I never put together that. Oh, yeah. By the way, I ended up going into the hospital and having upper and lower GI's two weeks later as four years old. But I never put together that some of my illness might be because of the stress in my home. I never put together that after being molested, certain things happened in my life. Or that the eating disorder developed after a series of just stacked stressors. And I just couldn't kind of cope.

And I just I thought that maybe I just wasn't very good at life. Does that make sense? No, absolutely. You think you're stupid. I mean, I did that too. I held the gun not good enough. I'm stupid. I'm doing all these things and then you just keep trying harder, harder, harder, harder.

And then you're like the hamster wheel. Right. But when when I started the MDR what happened was it's almost like the hamster wheel. Right, but when I started the MDR, what happened was, it's almost like a sweater unraveling. Like one thing, we're working on one thing, and all of a sudden something would pop in my head, and they ask you, so what are you thinking about? I'm like, it doesn't make sense.

Like some bizarre thought from when I was nine just popped in my head, and they're like, no, there's no coincidence. What were you thinking about? And I would mention it, like one of them was, I don't know, I keep having this memory of a time when my mom didn't come home. And I was like throwing up all night.

And they're like, oh, and you don't think that's connected. And I'm like, oh, man. And I started to go back. It started to connect to other things. And then pretty soon, you're like, well, duh. I should have seen all of this was connected, but I couldn't at the time. And so I ended connecting all of these things

from way back, and I even had to call my mom. And I'm like, you know, I just want to make sure my memories are clear, like that they're accurate because I'm remembering things back to when I was two. And she's like, how did you remember that? Like she actually clarified it. And so it was really interesting how it just sort of like started to unravel all of this stuff.

It's like, not that I didn't know it was there. It's that I just had sort of put it away. Right, right. And you can make meaning of it now because what it sounds like is you realize through all these experiences, it was a series of traumas, which they call complex PTSD,

which is something that I got that I didn't know I had, I mean, I've been in therapy for 25 years on and off and it wasn't until the EMDR therapy that I actually even became acquainted with the term complex PTSD. I don't know what they called it with you, but it was like a series of events that happened one after the next. So for you, it's like there were many very complex trauma. So and it, and it, and it, and it's one thing I used to think trauma, you know, PTSD was

war vets or, you that's one thing. I used to think trauma, you know, PTSD was war vets, or, you know, one thing happening. But if it's a series of repeated events and then your nervous system, you know, and then you, that's how you start to react to things. You have the anxiety and you start just not being able to process life in the same way. So yeah, I didn't want to turn.

I didn't want to have people in my house because I didn't invite people from school because I'm like, what crazy thing is going to happen today? Like there's, you're always looking around the corner because you just don't know what crazy thing is going to happen. Who's going to be screaming or calling the police or throwing stuff out in the street or, you know, I mean, fortunately, you know, there wasn't murder happening all the time, but just honestly, you just don't know what's going to happen.

So it was just crazy. Right. So, we're talking about through childhood, you had this chaotic childhood, which I think a lot of us can relate to chaos. Right. So, all that you don't never know what's happening, what's happening is your mom coming home, is she not there to be night because she was out working. So it's so easy, a child to say, well, mom's working hard for me.

It's okay that she's not coming home when I'm eight years old and scared in bed. But those things take a toll. And just because then you did a turn and said, okay, now I'm gonna go to nursing school and to get my degree, I'm gonna do all these things. Doesn't mean that that part of us isn't still living us as a scared child

who's waiting for mom to come home. So it's that disconnect we're like, but I'm doing fine now that it's going to carry us into childhood unless we start to unpack it through therapy. Right. And then to be fair, I mean, a lot of the trauma that happened when I was young, when you're a child, you don't have control of it.

But in my 20s, I've made some bad decisions. So some of that was self-induced. But I think some of those bad decisions were a result of the environment I grew up in. Yeah, I think it always is though, right? Like even though you were doing the right things, because I think it has to do with your coping skills and your brain, how your brain can react to trauma. And you can have like a, you know, I always think it's like the nervous, sympathetic,

parasympathetic, always in, you know, fight or flight. So you probably were still in fight or flight. So can we talk about that? Because I know it's also the, there's so many cycles, so there's therapy, there's psychology, there's biology, there's, and I know that you exercise,

I do to that too, I need exercise to help me in the mornings kind of ground. So what are some of the other things that you think have been really helpful for you to learn to love your body, love yourself, allow yourself to, you know, be in a healthy relationship? So my husband calls me a seeker. So I'm one of those people who's always going to someone now. I mean, some of us are harder, but even on Zoom, but I was always going to a seminar. I was always, once I finally acknowledged it, it's like, I was always searching for more.

I wanted to learn more. So whether it was Byron Katie or Tony Robbins or Therapy or I was always doing more. After I finally broke that damn, it's like how much more can I learn? And so I'm not a person who's really like can do one thing and just change everything based on that one thing. I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of. Yeah. So it's like I need the exercise. The eating food really matters. It matters, you know, food affects your mood. What you eat to everything you put on the end of your fork makes a difference. Real food versus processed food makes a difference in your mood and how you

feel and inflammation, all of those things. But also learning how to meditate and manage my mind. Not let my mind just run wild with these crazy thoughts that were literally lying to me and ruining my life. Let's talk about people you spend your time with. People you spend your time with, people are contagious. If you're in a recovering alcoholic and you're hanging out in a bar, good luck. But the same is true with anything that you're trying to do in your life. If you're wanting to be very accomplished, you need, you know, the more you spend time

around accomplished people, the more motivated you will be to do that. So, you know, that made a difference, changing my, my friend's circle. And it's like, what gives your life meaning in purpose? Why are you on the planet? Because at one point, I felt like I was wasting oxygen on the planet. I wanted to die. And so finding that purpose again, turning pain into purpose became just so critical. And it really is all of those things. I have to do those things regularly. So I spend a little bit of time in each of those circles all the time. Yeah. So it's the psychological, spiritual,

social, biological, right? Biology. Like how's your biology? We talk about like your hormones and all those things like getting those things to check. Yeah. Head injuries. Yeah, get your brain scanned it. I'm a clinics. I did it. Yeah, that's actually life changing, but I think that's the other thing because you know going to Tony Robbins and doing all things is great, but then you kind of do have to do it all. Or at least have a consciousness around changing all these different areas of your life, because it just doesn't work if you just become, because I went to Tony Robbins two, like six years ago, and I remember going and being like, okay,

but there was more. I had to ground myself in the therapy and the spiritual. And so that's really. Yeah, because otherwise it's like working out your bicep, and that's all you do. You know, or you work out once and you never go back. Yeah, exactly. Well, Tana, you know what's also, I think, is cool

is that you're saying that you were anti-therapy until like your 30s, right? Real therapy. And I hear from people every single day. Typically it's a couple and one person is like, I want to go to therapy. Like my partner doesn't believe in it. They won't go.

Or people just call in and say they don't believe in it. So what was that switch for you? Because you are a wonderful shining example of somebody who was anti and then came around to it. You know, as I said, a big part of it was, I finally just felt so broken. I mean, I was finally at the right place to be, you know, to make the switch.

But I had that moment with my daughter. My daughter actually had this crazy language when she was really young. We often joke that Daniel, because he's a child psychiatrist, that he was more drawn to my daughter because she had these 12 word sentences when she was two. But by this time she was three,

she looked at me one day. She was about three when I went through this. And she looked at me and she said, Mommy, people look at you different than other mummies. And I'm like, what? Like, why is she saying this to me? And she said, you're they look at you like you're shiny, like they don't talk to you. And I was floored that a three-year-old could see. To me, what she was saying, she could have been saying many things, but to me, what she was saying is she could see my saying many things, but to me, what she was saying is, she could see my facade.

Like, that's what I saw. That's what I heard. And so it's like, she sees me being different than other people and people not approaching me. And so I was a little bit like that. No, who knows? Maybe she was just saying, you know, well, you're beautiful.

And people see you walking. You know, but it's stuck a court, right? She's to the stage. She's one of those, we say she's like a 45 year old trapped in a little body You know, she's just very deep. I can't imagine the daughter of you You you and Dr. Aiman must be an incredible way to grow up So let's talk about that facade because like I always say like you're only sick as your secrets and the things Be hold on to or what we think we can't

I took that from AA. Yeah, I love that you're only a second only sick is your secrets and secrets. And that's when I was reading your book and I thought, yeah, that's it because you start out the chapter you open up with like how you are at speaking in a jail, right? In a prison. I was at, no, it was at a rehab facility, one of the largest in the country that were there. Okay. Where to be there. Okay.

Got it. Is this a powerful story? I was like, I'm in. And I was like, whoa, you just stood up and people just saw you there. They're to speak more professional. And then you just kind of laid it down and you kind of revealed it. And I thought, those are the moments, the things that we think we cannot say. You know?

So do you? Yeah, I mean, it's really powerful stuff. And I think that peeling back the layers. And so what, don't look at it. There's so many things here. So you said your daughter thought you were like shining. So that was part of it. That was part of it cracking, being like, I can't,

I don't want to be this. That was the first step. That was the first step because I knew that I had always told myself I wasn't going to have kids. I did not want kids based on my background. And then when I hit my 30s, I was like, you know, I'm ambivalent. And then I got pregnant thinking I couldn't,

I thought I couldn't have kids. I had some female issues thought I couldn't have kids. And I thought, oh, I can't have kids. Well, I'm surprised I got pregnant. So right when I was going through a divorce. So I didn't know. Oh, there you go. How about that timing?

That was really interesting timing. But all of a sudden I was really excited about it. Suddenly just shifted. And being a mom became the most important thing in my life. I was so bonded to this child and to this day we are. I mean, Daniel jokes were just like attached to the hip. But I knew early on I got really scared. I was like, I now I'm scared because what if I can't do it?

What if I raised her the same way that I was raised? I mean, my mom really did the best she could. But it was a mess. And so, I thought, I don't want to do that, but I was older and I was financially secure. And so I thought, you know, I have the ability to do it, but am I psychologically savvy enough to do it? And so that's when I decided, you know, at its time, I was terrified for anyone to see what was underneath, to see those secrets. I was terrified, but it was worth it. I remember the first time trying to say, certain things about myself or describe the situation

when I was molested or date raped or all of these things. And I was so much shame around those things. And especially suffering like silently with an eating disorder, with so much shame. And one thing I will say is that once I put it out there, like now that I've got this book, it's funny. I sent my book in, my manuscript initially, and my publisher went, I think there's a couple things

you might not want to put in here. I was okay putting it all out there. She's like, I just think you're gonna struggle with certain people in your life. So we, we, we, okay, you're made up. Yeah, we scaled back a little bit but I was okay with it and I thought all right you know I'm gonna let that be your judgment call but I'm okay putting it all out there and I realized after I did this that by doing it even though I was scared

to do it at one point I'm like you know I've done my work but I don't need to share this with the world but then once I did it I started to get so much positive feedback from women and even from men, like amazingly, from men who had been traumatized within their childhood. But I started to realize something. If you own the things that you think are the worst parts about yourself, by the way, it's just your thought, if you own that, there's no one else that can hurt you with it. If you own it, if you dive into it, what is anybody going to say? If you're okay with it, then how are they going to hurt you? They have the power to hurt you with it if it's a secret.

They don't have the power to hurt you with it if you just own it. And so all of a sudden I just felt like, okay, well, what's anybody going to say now? They don't have to like me. I mean, it will be a little weird at first because if they don't like your nutrition advice, that's one thing. If they don't like your story, it's more vulnerable. But all of a sudden, I thought, okay,

if they don't like it, that's okay, but it's not there, a job to like me, it's mine. And so suddenly, I really embraced that. And it was like, I feel really strong about people criticizing me now. You don't have to like me. I wasn't put on the planet to be popular. I was put here to make a difference.

Wow. And you really are making a difference. I love the turning the pain into purpose. It's so true. The more that you're, and then you're like, I love that you like, you're like, I'm going to even go all out and sharing all my secrets and that your publisher's like, no, maybe not this one. You're like, take it all.

Well, I'm very excited because everyone's, they can get the book now. January 5th, the relentless courage of a scared child, but in the process of writing, how long did it take you to write? Huh, that was a long process. That actually, it took me about a year to, yeah, to get a year to write it.

Because I've written books in four months. I've written a lot of, I mean, you've a lot of best sellers and everything, but this is such a different. No different. And I had to really, you know, you can't put your entire life into a few hundred pages. So it'd be a manifesto. And I had to decide which stories. And so I purposefully chose a certain series of stories for the intention of being able to help people, it was about overcoming. I don't I didn't want to help people, it was about overcoming. I don't I didn't want to leave people with this feeling of sadness. I didn't want

to leave them with just I didn't need them to be voyers into my life for no reason. It was with intention that I chose those stories because I wanted to show people that it's possible to overcome no matter where you come from. And so that was the purpose. And so I had to write so much and then figure out which ones of those stories I was willing to tell. And when you get into some of the really hard stories, what was the hardest one to write? You know, being molested when I was 12, it was being molested because my mom did such a good job of supporting me and believing me. And then right afterwards I felt like she took my voice away. She told me people like. And to him. And I, it was really hard for me. That was a hard story to write. I knew I was

going to have issues with my mom for a while. We had to work through some stuff, but it ended up bringing us clothes to her in the end. That wouldn't was hard, but believe it or not, the date rate and the in my 20s when I wanted to die and then going on Prozac, because there my behavior was so crazy when I went on Prozac, it was not the right drug for me. And that was not so much a matter of me being a victim to someone else's behavior. That was me just making bad decisions. And so that just felt different. It was harder to write. It's like, okay, I'm just, I'm going to be honest, I'm going to be honest. I just need a lot of bad decisions during that eight month period of my life.

Right. But we do. We all do. Oh my God. Yeah. All right, and take a quick break. There'll be more sex with the Emily. Thanks to everyone for supporting our sponsors. You know, we only work with sponsors that we enjoy ourselves.

And I hope you do too. Tana, tell me about how it's impacted your romantic relationships, like your sex life, your ability to be intimate after that and how you've moved through it. I think it affected it a lot. Being intimate is really hard when you don't trust. I got to a point, I also developed really young, which is why I ended up in some of the situations I ended up in. I shouldn't have been in certain situations, and I was. I got a lot of unwanted attention, if you will, not just from boys or men.

So it was a different era. We didn't have social media. It wasn't like every, you didn't see all these girls that looked like that. And so you got a lot of attention if you looked like that when you were back then. Right. You say like a looker, like I mean, we're the same generation. So I understand that time. You walking on the beach here in Southern California in the 90s, 80, I could imagine. Right. And so you get this attention. And and I was really uncomfortable with the attention.

But then you start to, you start to expect the attention and you think other people expect you to look that way. And so I began to need the attention I hated. I craved the thing I hated. Is that make sense? I feel that even though I resented it. I started to not trust men. And it was, I mean, a big part of it, obviously 12 years old, my stepdad molested me and the story is pretty clear.

And my mom actually, she caught him. And she physically tried to kill him. And that was very validating. Yeah. But for a while, I felt like I was going to be okay. Then there was the date rate thing that happened. And I felt like that was, you know, I think a lot of women feel this way.

I felt like it was my fault. Or at least I questioned whether it was. And I wasn't even sure what to call it. I'm like, I was on a date with the guy. Maybe I should have dressed differently. I shouldn't have been there. And I started blaming myself, because I think it felt easier to blame myself

than to say I was a victim. It wasn't until I was much older than I'm like, no, he was a jerk. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have been there, but he was still a jerk. Like, it's like, you know, like, we need to like, you need to learn how to draw those lines clearly. The being attacked on the street

was just a fluke, weird, bizarre thing. I was walking to school and got pulled down an alley. Big white guy in a suit. Yeah. And then you was like, kicked them and the balls didn't you? You just like, you go, girl. I mean, really, yeah. I mean, that's just all the things that happened to you.

So then of course, you didn't trust men. You didn't trust men. And it just got worse. And so then I, but I also was making bad choices. And I remember one turn around for me when I started to finally get my life back together. I was talking to a friend of mine who's like my second mom. And I love this because she was so grounded, so spiritually strong. She's she had a huge influence on my life. I you know when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And I've had these amazing mentors in my life and she was one of them and she's she's a very strong presence in my book and I was just

Complaining up a storm about what jerks men are right? It's like I'm trying to change my life, but the one thing that still amass is my relationships and men They're just jerks and she looked at me and she said your problem is not the men you meet It's the ones you give your phone number to. And I was just like, wow. She's like, there are a lot of nice men in the world. You don't see them. And I was just like, unbelievable.

And it really was the first turning point for me in recognizing that what she did with that one line was take me out of the victim mode. She switched it to where I was in control of it. It was empowering. Yeah, she was saying it was my fault in a sense. It was my or not my fault. It was my responsibility. But but at the same time, it empowered me. It's like, well, if if I'm the one making the choice, then I have the choice to choose better. So it just suddenly switched it for me. That is, yeah, I actually highlighted that in the book because I thought that is such a big moment when whenever I hear people say, oh, every man's a jerk, every woman just wants

a rich man or whatever, all of our stories. Yep. And then to realize they're just stories, there's a lot of single people, there's a lot of people on the planet, not everyone does everything. In that moment, let's talk about that because I think a lot of people on the planet, not everyone does everything. In that moment, let's talk about that because I think a lot of people can relate to this feeling of like, everyone's talks, I've had 10 bad dates in a row, how do we know then who not to give our phone number to? I mean, looking at the pattern, how were you able at that moment to see that like someone's like, you know, wasn't right for you? You know what I mean after a year.

I'm gonna repeat something I said earlier. We don't see the way the world, the way the world is. We see it the way we are. And that's actually, again, there's that word responsibility. It's up to you. If you, when I coach people, this is one thing that I did with a couple of women that I coached,

they kept complaining of the same way I did. They're lies are in this terrible place. They don't have a good relationship, men are jerks. So I had them write out their dream relationship tale. What do you look like? What job you would have? Where they're live? What is personality characteristics? I mean, everything, pages. Then I stopped and I asked them. I said, so now tell me why this person would be attracted to you. And I didn't say that they wouldn't be, but I said, why would they be attracted to you? Tell me the qualities about you that they would be attracted to. In every single case, they got angry. And they said, they thought that I was attacking them. And I'm like, so why do you think I'm attacking you? Because they,

all of a sudden they stopped and they're like, because he wouldn't be attracted to me. I said, so if your dream relationship person would not be attracted to you, there's your work. It's not blame. Write down all the things about you that you that you would need to work on for this person to be attracted to you. That's your job. Like, there's your job. That's your job. That's that is such an important exercise. And I just think I want to like everyone just to write that down, do it. Because it's true. We are our own worst enemies. We hold ourselves back.

It's a lot of it is our own beliefs about ourselves. You're going to get exactly what you set your sights on. Your brain does not have a sense of humor. Your subconscious does not have a sense of humor. It does what you tell it. So you might be, you might be even verbal, you might even be thinking, well, I want someone like that. But if you're subconscious is like, but this is who I am, that's what you're going to attract.

Right. Exactly. And so if you're saying, yes, that person would be attracted to me and I'll go look from once I lose five pounds, once I get the degree, once this, that's all the stuff that that's not the work we're talking about. Right, or if you're saying my fantasy guy is this, but I'm not smart enough, or I'm loser, or I'm, you know, I'm, we have so much angry, negative self talk about ourselves, and sometimes you're not even that conscious of it, you need to be conscious of it. Right. Because you're not subconscious is going to do exactly what you tell it.

And I'm just going to be, I'm going to be, probably make a lot of people really angry right now, but I'm just going to say this, if you are in that place like I was in, where you're just very emasculating and you're manipulative because you don't want to be hurt, good luck trying to find a good guy. Like it's, they can spot that a mile away. I went through that phase of like, I don't want to be hurt. So I'm to find a good guy. Like, it's, it's, they can spot that a mile away.

I went through that phase of like, I don't want to be hurt. So I'm going to be better at this game than they are. And I quite frankly was. I just was. Because you, right, you're like, I'm going to be an A plus with every student with everything I do. And you were that, so that is sort of okay. So let's talk about this because we're,

there's a lot of women now I see in there, you know, a lot of our listeners too, and they're 20s, and they're like, oh, I'm just gonna be like a guy. I'm gonna have sex like a guy, or I'm gonna play the player. This is gonna get you nowhere. This is not the work either.

And so I think there's sort of a trend towards that. I don't wanna catch feels, and I just wanna sleep around, and I'm not gonna show my cards because I'm gonna get taken advantage of, and then that's what you're leading with. There's no way that you get back. That's exactly what you get back.

So then when you go all guys are jerks, why would a nice guy be attracted to you? Right. No, I think this is, that is so powerful. Tana, this is so good. We need to hear this, especially from someone you've been through it, you know, you, you've done all the things to get to a place.

So before this book came out, I'm like, I need to have a talk with my daughter. She's very mature, but we need to talk about all of this stuff. So good. How has that been? Oh, she was so, she was so great. She actually like sat down with me. She's a really amazing writer. And she even helped me with little parts of it. She got really involved. She's awesome. But I told her, I'm like, you know, honey, I go, there's just nothing I haven't either done, said, heard, or thought about,

that you can surprise me with. There's nothing that I haven't done one of those things. So anything that you come across, you can talk to me, I trust me, I've lived enough life. And so I started telling her, I'm like, look, when you go into high school, this is what's going to happen. Like these are the lines, this is what's going to happen, I want you to be aware, I want you to be grounded in yourself as a person so that you're not vulnerable to these things, so that you look for the right qualities in a person when you start dating. And she's like, that's not going to happen. And then she came home, she's like, mom, I can't believe it. How did you know that was going to happen?

So what are those things to prepare young people, you know, go for example, like, yeah, well, I mean, now it's very different than we were than we were kids. And when we were kids, it was bad enough. But now, I mean, like so many of the kids going into junior high, they're just, they're looking at porn on their phones in school. And so girls get really, really insecure because they're like, that's what I'm supposed to be like, right? And so, and the language around what girls are supposed to be like. And so I really prepared her. I'm not of the mindset that I should shelter my daughter from the world. Because of what I went through, I'm of the mindset that I'm not raising my daughter to look for a prince. I'm raising her to look for a sword. Like she needs to be prepared. So she needs to just take it on.

So that's how I kind of raised her. And so I want her to know what she's up against, the reality of it. And so I told her, that's what was going to happen. I'm like, look, you're going to hear stuff that you haven't really heard. She didn't have my life, right? So she hasn't heard that stuff. I'm like, but you need to know now, because you're going into high school. You're going into, her high school

is actually junior high and high school. And so I'm like, I probably wouldn't have told you this this soon if you didn't have social media and your school wasn't this far advanced. But one thing that I found, there's a book that came out, and I know you know of it, a while back called the game. Yes. Somehow these boys are still getting this information. Right. Okay, let's, I have nieces who are at high school. Yes, it's terrible they're getting this information. Oh yeah, what Neil Strauss the game, yeah.

You're gonna, right, I'm like, if you are gonna be up against this because she came home and she spouted off a couple things and I'm like, Oh dear Lord, they're like literally just regurgitating the game. The Negging, right? Where they like, Oh, that kind of stuff. Yeah. And all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, they are regurgitating the game. I'm like, all right, sweetie. You're going to be armed and prepared nowhere. So I just went through it with her. I'm like, these are the strategies. These are the games they play. And I'm like, I don't want you to play these games. I want you to be aware of them. In martial arts, I practice martial arts. I'm a huge advocate. I love it after being attacked. I'm like, I want to be empowered. And I'm like, look, we don't,

we actually try to avoid fights. Like, I want to learn how to hit stuff really hard when I started training. I just like wanted to learn how to hit hard. hard when I started training. I just wanted to learn how to hit hard. My master was like, really, you're going to go up, you know, blow for blow with the 250 pound guy, I think not. I think what you want to do is be arms prepared, aware, run really fast anytime you can. Only when you can't, do you want to be able to fight and just get one good shot in and then run. And I'm like, oh, it's probably a good point. I really don't want to go blow for blow with a 250 pound guy when I'm 120 pounds, right? So the point being metaphorically, is that you don't play their game.

You want to rise above it. I'm teaching you this not so that you can do what I did, be an idiot and be better at their game. I'm teaching you this so that you can avoid this game so that you can spot it because those are not the guys you want to date Because you haven't messed up your life yet. You haven't made those mistakes that hurt your soul yet Okay, so the more that you're able to avoid guess what if you do when you do I'm here. It's okay. They're not fatal

But you haven't yet So if you can be aware and avoid those things and pick someone who shares your values as grounded and because she's a pretty grounded person, you're going to save yourself a lot of pain. If by chance that doesn't happen, then come back to me. Yeah. You know, I'm here. It's not fatal.

I promise you. Yeah. You're doing good. You're right. We got to point this out, but sometimes they don't want to listen You know to their mothers or everyone else is doing it But it sounds like you were laying it down and yeah, you also you're a double black belt We didn't we have so much to talk about it. I'm not feeling tight one doe in a second degree in Kempho karate God, I mean you you've done so much and I love your book and I think that people could learn so much

From the relentless courage of a scared child. And all of the work that you're doing, how has writing the book and now revealing these secrets? I know it hasn't even really come out yet, but you did the hardest work by just writing it. Have you felt the shift? Have you felt? Yes, huge shift actually.

So the couple of things that I revealed, even on social media, because I thought, oh, I wrote the book, but I'm not really going to say it on social media. And a couple of things that I put out on social media, I got just the opposite response of what I expected. Women just flocked and they were like, it makes me feel, I even was getting private messages from like really big influencers, models going, wow, I just, I so needed to hear that. You have no idea how much I'm struggling and just so many women coming forward saying You don't know how much it helps me that you're being so vulnerable and so open and so honest and that just encouraged me more And I thought you know what this is what people mean when they say it sets you free the vulnerability sets you free

It sets you free and now I actually feel more Just impenetrable to criticism. Right. Now to me, that is such an incredible reason just for everyone to start, you know, not all willing, Nilly, I don't mean to go post all your secrets on Instagram, but I'm saying like start doing the work.

Whatever that looks like. You have to use discretion, right? Yes. We don't throw our pearls to this wine. You don't throw everything out there to people who aren't going to. When you know, there's a certain you have to use discretion over things that probably you shouldn't talk about.

You have to know when and how much. Well, that's another lesson, too, because sometimes people are like, okay, Emily, I started telling people my fantasies and I told them everything. I'm like, and your first date, like, I didn't say that. I just said we should be open and we should reveal things, but I'm not saying, you know, we gotta know that too. But I think Theravisa Great Bases start, you have so much courage and resilience and it's you're just so admirable

and I'm so grateful you are on the show and congratulations on your book. And now I'm gonna ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests are just cookie questions. You can answer however you want, they're super quicky. Okay, biggest turn on. Biggest turn on. The total safety and intimacy in my relationship. Biggest turn off. Oh, pretty boys, you spend more time in the mirror than I do. What makes good sex? Safety intimacy. Like true intimacy.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Wow. How long do we have? Stay authentic, stay grounded. Just don't play games. Don't play games just because other people are. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

That it's powerful, that it has the ability to hurt people. If you use it incorrectly, if you're manipulative. Thank you so much for being here. Okay, the relentless courage of a scared child, they can find it at relentless courage.com. Yeah, so there's gifts. We've got a whole bunch of gifts for people. Ooh, I love gifts.

And your YouTube channel is fabulous. We'll put all this, but your website... Tanninem.com. And yeah, the book comes out January 5th, but we've got pre-order gifts, so. I love the I love the I'm clinic. All the things you guys are doing there. Super Prasca, I've gotten to know your husband

the last, I guess in the last year and, you know, he's helped me so much and so many others. Both of you are. I remember when I met him, he said to me, he said, you should be my wife. And he said that's what you do. It's so glowing, but there's so many, you know, in the world, men you meet who aren't like leading with their wife. And it was like, he was like one of the first things he said.

And he, oh, it just, I don't know. Now that I feel like I know you because I know your whole story. And I was like, they are so well matched. Oh, he's my best friend. I mean, and he is what you see is what you get. So it's so interesting, because I kept thinking no one's that nice. He's actually that person, the person you interview,

the person you see on stage. Like he's that person, only he's even kinder and more my rock at home. Like he's just, yeah. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love learning all about this. Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much, Emily. That's it for today's episode. See you on Wednesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast, and share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you got something out of it, they will too.

We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters, so sign up at sexwithemlee.com and don't forget to check out our vlogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemle.com or call into my series sex-em show Monday through Friday, 5-7pm Pacific, and call me,

Triple-894 stars. That's Triple-8947-8277. Get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemle.com-sla-s-x-m. You can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com slash Emily Morse. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪