Sex With Emily - Truly Open Sex & Love with Whitney Miller

Episode Date: January 18, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by dating coach and co-host of the True Sex & Wild Love podcast Whitney Miller to talk about open relationships, plus they’re taking your calls.They give advice on navigating different types of relationships – and how to go about changing your boundaries, as well as how to cope and deal with jealousy in your relationships. Plus, what it’s like to go to an all female play party, and how to bring up the idea of threesomes to your partner without them getting upset.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFollow Whitney on all social @whitnloveFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What do you think are the benefits to being in an open relationship? Like, is it the kind of thing where you're like, I could never go back? Like, what don't we know? Right. So I think it's like the novelty, the passion. Like, that's what you think about when you think about open relationships. For me, one, it made me closer with females, which people will think is absolutely that crazy.

But also, it made me a better person to it, it made me a better person. Truly, it made me a better human being. Like, I am a better friend, lover, girlfriend, daughter, human. In general, because I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. And for me, it made me practice speaking and living my truth as opposed to trying to fit in someone else's box.

And that doesn't work for me. Right. And so now, like you said, you feel free, right? in someone else's box. And that doesn't work for me. Right. And so now, like you said, you feel free, right? Like that's amazing. That's one of the biggest compliments that you could possibly give me because that's what I'm all about. I want people to live and do as they completely please

because they enjoy it. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm joined by dating coach and co-host of the True Sex and Wild Love podcast Whitney Miller to talk about open relationships and we're also taking your calls, topics include navigating different types of relationships and how to go about changing your boundaries. What is like to go to an all-female play party? Ways to co-pand deal with jealousy in relationships, and how to bring up the idea of threesomes to your partner without them getting upset. All this and more, thanks for listening. 6. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes they call them in a bike on day.

Hey Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to understand it's a lie. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common with all of it? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemlee.com. You're going to love our site.

We've got a ton of posts on there, blogs, and posts and videos to help you have the sex life that you want. And find us at all social media. It is at sex with Emily across the board. Okay, intentions with Emily. This year you guys, I want you all to start the show off if you'd like for a second here. Send an intention. I'm going to do one.

I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean by this is like when you're listening, think of like why you're listening, what would you like to get out of the show? And I found that this really helps ground me in experiences even if I'm going to dinner with a friend. I'm like, why am I going to dinner with this friend? And I think about, well, I wanted to have a conversation with her about this or that, or when I'm working out, I want to feel stronger in my body. So for this episode, you could think, I'm new to opening up sexually and I want some

ideas. Or, you know, monogamy never really seemed right for me. I'm curious what else is out there. My intention was to get you guys to understand that you get to decide what kind of commitment you want to be in that they're you know monogamy really isn't the only choice for everybody but also maybe there's you know this will inspire you all to kind of think differently so you can make sure that your needs are getting met and not what you think society wants for your relationship. All right guys enjoy the show. and not what you think society wants for your relationship. All right, guys, enjoy the show.

I'm so excited to welcome my guest. Whitney Miller is here. She's from the True Sex and Wild Love podcast. I did with her with Wednesday, Martin in New York. You guys can check that out. We'll put it in the show notes, which is at sexwithemily.com. And Whitney, you were mis-united states.

That's amazing. Yeah, and now she got into the podcast, which I had so much fun with you guys, and that you essentially have been what I would love to talk to you about is how you got into your podcast, and then you got into this whole space as I know you were in a open relationship. And I don't know if you still are.

I need to hear about your journey because I feel like this is the time. People always asking the 15 years I've been doing this, like what's changed? And did I'm like, people still have the same questions, like women aren't having orgasms and men are confused about their penises.

But the good news is people are relishing that monogamy isn't the only choice. And people, you know, so I love that you're here, Whitney Miller. Thanks, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you. How much fun do we have on the show when you came?

I loved it. We had a blast and I really enjoy your podcast and you and Wednesday are like so great together. Thank you. Yeah, like, and I was listening to your one, okay, so we're gonna get into our relationship thing, but I listened to your thing about the skirt club. Oh, yes.

Which is the club for women. Like an all female play party sex party, which I'd never been to before ever. Yeah, I haven't been to an all female play party. No. No, no, I want to go. I want to know. You know, everyone there was very cool, very welcoming,

very sweet, and but they just get after it. Like we got there a little bit late and we were going to do our live podcast from there which has never been done understandably so. And I was like okay before the podcast starts, I have to just take a loop. You know, I got to figure out. Yeah. Talk about here.

No, what's going on. So I ended up playing Spin the Bottle with a few people and then you go into the back rooms and people are just going for it. I know you've set that in the podcast, but what do you mean going for it? So give me a scene. So they have like a VIP room and they have with all these other rooms and we're in a penthouse

in New York City, so amazing already. Yeah. And they have the VIP room. I'm not sure how you get into the VIP room other than maybe you just walk in. I don't know. I just walked in. And there's four women on the bed, probably like two couples that are just ones going down on the other one. Once definitely squirting everywhere and just

like they're just enjoying it to the max. And you look over on the, you know, chair next to me and there's another female going down, another female, and then it's just me and Wednesday chatting in the middle of it, and there's people in the shower. Wow. That is so fun, because in that, I feel we're most women there

because there's no men. No. It's all women. So it's women who are bicarious, they say, or are curious about exploring their sexuality. So is that something that you have always been interested in? Because I totally related to you, because you're like, no, I've been with women,

but like, I like a man. I feel like I like his hairy chest. I want the muscles. I want to pick me up and make exactly. I've been with women, I like being with women, but it's, I like men. It's just not the same for me. And I wish, like, I really do think it would be amazing

to be as attracted to a female as it is a man. You sure it's some ways. Yeah, but like like you get to go on multiple dates and like, God, I don't know. I would love that. But it's just, yeah, I've been with multiple women and I enjoy it. I love like the sensuality of it. I love the way the skin feels. It's a completely different experience and being with a man as you know, right? But yeah, it's just, I just love a good hairy chest.

A hairy chest. A hairy chest. A good, so are love a good hairy chest. Like a hairy chest voice. Oh, I get it. So give it to me. So what I want to hear a little bit about your journey because you've had a pretty badass life already. And you're young. Thank you. But like you've done a lot of different things.

You're in your late, can we talk about age with women that are young? I feel like you can. Oh, totally. I'm 30. You said that 30. And so like you were sports anchor, which is awesome. Wake surfer, you did juditsu, you had a YouTube show about it.

And then Miss Texas, Miss United States. Yeah. All over the place. All over. But then the thing is you got into an open relationship. And I would just love to hear about your journey because I know you're also a dating coach relationship coach. So like just tell me how does it go

from monogamous to open? Oh man, I mean for me it was like a very challenging road. I'm sure. And I feel like you can hear the full spectrum. You hear, oh I had no jealousy and I grew up and it was totally normal for me. That was not the case. I grew up in South Texas with a conservative Texas banker father

that was like, you get married. And then you have babies and you have your career. And that's how it works. Right, clearly. But that didn't quite work for me. I was always cheating on my boyfriend's. I'd wake up like a year, year and a half in and be like, you know, there's really nothing wrong with you at all.

But I was just bored. And then I didn't know what else to do other than go cheat because I didn't really want to leave them. I still liked them. It's exactly my experience to my 20s and 30s. Pretty much. I was like, I just, it's great, but I'm not looking for marriage right now. We're not looking at it.

I don't know what to do. Exactly. And then you're like, that doesn't feel good. No, that doesn't feel good. Right. So then what happened? So then I met my partner at the time, Ari Marcus, and we started reading books.

We were monogamous for two years, and we started reading Sex at Dawn, and talking to some friends of ours about just kind of unconventional relationships, that I never knew existed. I really thought the only way that you get through a relationship is you cheat. Right.

Right. Yeah. And then it ends. Right again. Right. Right. Yeah. And then, right again. Exactly. And so, we kind of talked about it on an intellectual level, and that's it. And then he was like, you know what, I think I want to open the relationship up and try that.

And I said, hail, no. That is not going to fly. I can't do it. I was still, I was always extremely jealous growing up. Okay. And all of my other relationships, very, very jealous, very alpha, like you cannot look at somebody else. Impossible, right? So he brought that up to me and I just couldn't handle it

and I wasn't ready for it. And so I said, no, I can't do it. And I went on, it was supposed to be a one month backpacking trip and I went to Peru and did some plant medicine for the first time and then was like, where is the furthest direct flight that I can take out of Peru and it landed in Lima or I'm sorry, in Madrid and went through there and during that time, it was just like the first time I'd been out of the country by myself.

I was very young. I had just gotten out of relationship. I thought we were going to get married and we are already, we were living together the whole thing. But I met somebody on that trip and was like, oh my God, you're extremely attractive. And so we had some fun, but all the while I was still very much so in love with Aubrey.

And that was the first kind of light bulb for me saying, wait, you can explore and have fun with other people and even have sex with them or have these you know intimate dates with them, but still very much so being loved with someone else. Right. Because in your brain you're like, no, if you're in love you can't love someone else. Right. You can't have attraction. Right. That makes sense. Okay. So you felt that. I felt that. And that was the first kind of like light bulb like I said. And so I came back and we both still wanted to be with each other, but we got together under the open relationship container.

And we had no clue what we were doing. Right. So tell me what happened. So how did it, because I think people, I think that many people still believe in that that it's just, it's just for people who love sex. It's just an excuse to just sleep with a bunch of people. And then most of them have your first reaction as hell no, right? But you went from hell no. Right.

But you went from hell no to like, yeah, I can do it. So, so how does that look? Because I understand what I hear from a lot of people who have are successfully open is, it's painful in the beginning. There are some slip ups. You don't know how you're going to feel until it happens. Right. So, what was the first year like?

Terrible. I mean, let's be real. It was so challenging for me because it's just, it was so much programming and so much jealousy. And really, what I tell people is, first and foremost, if you try to get into this type of relationship, the commitment is number one to yourself, to really want to look at all of your traumas, all of your fears, all of your insecurities, because it puts a damn micro, like, micro-stop on it. And so, and that's hard. It's hard to look at all of that.

And that's kind of the first, not even year, it was probably two, two and a half years that it was just like, what am I doing? What would happen? Like, because I've seen it in so many different ways. Like, how, first of all, would you, was it that you were having three symptoms or you had boyfriends on the side and then he was out with other women? Right, so there's so many ways that you can do it.

Everyone does it differently. For us, we had three Sims. I hadn't had three Sims before in my life, but we had three Sims. And that was the first time that I figured out, oh, wait, I really do enjoy women, but I don't wanna be in like a relationship with a woman. Right.

And so we'd had three Sims, but most of it was separate. I would have, you know, guys that I would go out with, he would have girls that he would go out with, but everything was really close knit. So he was already seeing somebody when I came back for my trip and we decided to be in this open relationship. Okay. And this is, you know, six years later, and she's my best friend. But at that time, you know, it's us trying to figure out

how do we sit down across the table from each other and not wanna rip each other's throat out. At least that's what I was thinking. Can you maybe give me a, like, how did you deal with jealousy? Like, did you find that after the years you were together, did you get less jealous? Oh yeah. So you can diffuse the jealousy.

Yeah, I mean, and this is what people ask me all the time, how does you transcend jealousy? And I'm like, girl, I did not transcend jealousy. Like I still get jealous, but I deal with it in a completely different way. And so for me, I feel like a lot of my jealousy was stimming from like fear of abandonment and always having competition among other women.

And that was really interesting. That point is I never had a whole lot of girlfriends growing up. I had a group with my father. I had two older brothers. And so I was just like a guy's girl. I had all of these guys for it, guy friends. And then you would think getting into an open relationship

would kind of heighten the fact that you want to be competitive with other women, but it switched the flip. Like it switched everything for me. I love that. And so now going through it on the other side of it, I have a group of girlfriends that I cherish dearly. And some of them, yes, have been in relationship

with my partner and some of them haven't. But it's just allowed me to really support other women instead of look for ways to tear them down. Yeah, well that is such an interesting point because I believe that a lot of women who are threatened by other women and don't have a lot of girlfriends, they never grow out of that.

Like you're gonna see them. They're the ones on the real housewives' or I don't know, I don't watch the show. But there's women who go through their life for these 60s and they still hate women, but the fact that, and honestly, it's probably because of their conditioning, how they were raised, but I love that you were able to see that like, you know, our female friendships really are the most beautiful

thing. And then you can really connect with them. And we don't have to tear each other down and be competitive. And, I mean, it sounds like you've done such a good work. And I always say something the best work that we do in relationships, but it sounds like in your open relationship experience, you it was like therapy and learning and growing. And so, and I think that people are assumed that if you're in open relationship,

that you're like having orgies every Tuesday, it's a free for all. Yeah, Thursdays, it's a free some Thursday. Right. But what can you game it like walk me through a week with you guys? It's so, so, I'm excited.

And people don't need it as to like what people think it really is, because they do think it's a free for all. And every time you hang out, people are on top of the dinner table, like just go into town and having sex and there's deal-dose everywhere. And it's like, my house, no, it's getting to right now. It's getting to right now, it's everywhere.

Yeah. But it's very simple. For us, if we were to see somebody else, we would talk prior to that. Hey, what's going on on Wednesday night? You know, do we have plans? Do you have an event? Do you have anything that we need to do?

No, okay, great. Would it be okay with you or you think it works with our schedule? If I see so and so and then you go out with so and so. And then we would stay the night. I would honestly prefer to stay the night out or have him stay the night out. So I just had my own time, my own space. I wasn't wondering what time he was going to come home or anything like that.

It was just like, everything was easy that way. So you would sleep out. So did you, what were the rules that you had, though? So because every couple who's in a successful open relationship, they set the boundaries. Right. So what were some of your boundaries or some of your rules? So that's what is interesting is that they've changed and I think they always change.

But for us, we always, at first we put on a lot of these rules and ideas and boundaries and agreements and saying like, you can't talk to them on this day or you can only see someone after this time at night or whatever. And so you put on all of these different rules and then we realized that that was just kind of like setting us up for disappointment and it was we were trying to control something that really we didn't want to control and trying to create this comfort and it just wasn't really working. So for us, we started off with all these rules and then decided to relax the rules and now

we're at a place to where it's like we just want to show up for each other and love each other and be as honest as open as we possibly can. Okay, so you guys are together now. We're back together. So, no, we're so now, so yeah, here's the story. So we were together for seven years, living together, we split up in May,

and I think reason why was, because we were showing up to each other, which is so much kind of like our pain, our pain and a lot of trauma that wasn't resolved from, yeah, from the open relationship but prior to the open relationship and any of the things that I haven't resolved even prior to that relationship. And so it was, we were just not being able to communicate. We didn't trust each other's love.

And there was one point, we just said to podcast yesterday about this. There was one point to where he said, he said, I love you. And I said, that's debatable. And that to him was like, what do you mean, that's debatable? And for me, it was just like, I didn't trust his love

nor did he trust my love. And so we loved each other, but we had so much of our boundaries up that we couldn't fully release that. Wow. So what we had to do was like, we had to release everything. We had to release the relationship.

And it wasn't easy. It sounds like I'm saying that it was easy. I'm like, oh yes, we understand that we have to do this now. No, no. Looking back, you had to release it to come back and realize that you really were, there's always just more layers to peel back. Right. Yeah, there's always more layers and we just had to take the time to heal ourselves a little bit. And now we

have full choice, right? So we together, we had choice when we were together, but we were living together. We're seven and a half years together. And so, a lot. And now I got my own place, and I'm cultivating that, and I love that, by the way. Yeah. I'm same. Yeah, I can't, yeah. Living with someone is,

I'm actually with that. I mean, like, living with someone, keeping the sex hot. Yeah. Yeah, hard. So now you've got your own space, but you guys are still figuring out,

so do you primary partners, you've other partners? And he's your primary still, you've others or you're still. We don't have any labels. I didn't want any sort of labels. We're calling it like it's love without labels. And it's like the note, we don't have a relationship, no relationship relationship.

And so it's just total pure choice. And yeah, there's still these, you know, little speed bumps that will creep up on you, little fear monsters that are like, hmm, he's not going to love you tomorrow, you know, or little things like that, but we work through them so much faster now. And honestly, it feels so easy than we're the best place that we've ever been. And looking back as you go through a breakup,

thinking like, oh my God, I might lose this person forever. And that was so terrifying for me. But now looking back after a few six months or whatever it was, is I was so terrifying for me. But now looking back after a few six months or whatever it was, is I'm so grateful for that. Yeah. I love the work that you guys are doing now. Do you think I'm curious about your sex life? Do you feel like being in that relationship within that it was open? Like did you feel like it's, you kept learning, peeling back the layers of your sex life as well. So you've learned a lot more about who you are. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Who I am, what I like, what I don't like, how to orgasm better. Like, and also having a partner who's really into that and enjoys that. Yes. Plus to get to have sex with other people, and that's always fun.

That is fun. So wait, so you've learned how to, yeah, how to have better orgasms. He loves key loves going down on you. You like pleasing him. Right. And then you're with, are you with other women too with him? We were. And we are a little bit now, but not so much like I said.

Like, I enjoy it because it's like something hot and sexy for him. And I'm down, if it's one of my like close friends, or it's like, I'm kind of like, by situational. Like if there's a really great situation, a really awesome chick, I'm like, cool, I'm down with this. But that's kind of at the extent. Right, okay. I got it. Seems like you guys have been to a whole journey.

That is really interesting. I love this. So do you think that, is this anything do you want kids? Yes, I do. And does he want kids? Uh huh. Yeah, and I don't even know, I mean, we're in this place to where we're not primaries So if we get to a point where we want to have children together

That'll be a discussion that will have great awesome. I think he would be an incredible father But also there's the other side of the coin that I could have kids with somebody else if I have that deep of connection with them I'm so free right now don't you feel her freedom? I want to be Whitney now I have that deep of connection with them. I'm so free right now. Don't you feel her freedom? I want to be Whitney. Now, I have a question for you. Thank you guys. So this is my question. So what do you think are the benefits

to being in an open relationship? Like, is it the kind of thing where you're like, I could never go back? Like, what don't we know? Right. So I think it's like the novelty, the passion. Like, that's what you think about when you think about open relationships For me one it made me closer with females which people will think is absolutely that crazy

but also To it it made me a better person Truly it made me a better human being like I am a better friend lover girlfriend daughter Human in general because I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. And for me, it made me practice speaking and living my truth as opposed to trying to fit in someone else's box. And that doesn't work for me.

And so now, like you said, you feel free, right? That's amazing. That's one of the biggest compliments you could possibly give me because that's what I'm all about. I want people to live and do as they completely please because they enjoy it. Do you think that most people could or many people could be monogamous if they were non monogamous if they were willing to do the work but we're just all in this monogamous jail? Yes. If they were willing to do the work, you know, like I said, it's

first and foremost you have to do the work and it's going to hurt. It's probably going to hurt way worse than you ever thought possible. And I think monogamy is great too. I think it's sacred in its own perfect way. And a lot of people say, oh, you don't believe in monogamy. And that's not true. I believe in monogamy. I think at some point I may be monogamous. Depending on what phase of life I am in, I'll do it.

I'll give it a go. But with the agreement and the understanding that we can still have a conversation, that those agreements about monogamy may change in the future. Right. So if you're whizz, wait, those, if you're whizz someone, you would say like it could change. You're saying, yeah, that makes sense. I feel like people are just so, um, it's funny because you said it was the hardest thing you ever did, but I feel like a lot of you will monogamous relationships are suffering so much.

And they get jealous and they get pumps and they have cravings, but they just, they don't want to do the work. And all relationships are work, whether it's monogamous or whether it's polyamorous or you're swinging or there's all these things, you know. We're going to take a quick break and we come back more Whitney and we are answering your calls. Okay, let's take some calls. Let's do it. All right, we have Rick.

He's 33 in California. Hey, Rick, thanks for calling. Hey, thanks for having me. Of course. What's up for having me. Of course. What's up? We're here to help. Question. Okay.

How would I approach my significant other about a possible to resound? Okay. Well, Rick, have you guys ever, have you ever talked about your sex life or what you're into before? Yeah, we try to spice it up, you know, doing things and, you know, just, I think it's plateaued at this point. So it's plateaued.

Okay. Yeah. Well, when I'm going to tell you, and I'm so glad we have an expert in this here. I don't know if you're expert at three sims, but this is what I love having out here. Because this I want to say, it's not, so Rick, a lot of people think like, well, we'll just have a three-some, and that that's gonna spice up our relationship. That's gonna make our sex life even better. And I gotta tell you that for many couples,

if you're not already on super, super solid ground, having a threesome could be a disaster. So I suggest you work on what's really happening with your sex life, but Wendy, what would you say about this? No, I completely agree, because once you open that door and you're in the threesome, shit can go sour really fast. And so I think like talking about what you guys are interested in doing, you said at Plattode, so maybe ask some more questions. What are some things that she wants to try? What are some things that you want to try and then ask like, where are you comfortable,

or are you not comfortable? And then I always like to have kind of like an intentional reconnection after a threesome, you know, instead of like you just have a threesome and then it's like, okay let's go back to normal life, like no, like we need to have this reconnective time together to show each other appreciation for that experience. So Rick, what do you think about that? Where are you guys have you, you know, talked about the threesomeome or you just talked about spicy enough? Yeah we talked about the thresome in her you know her response was like you know whatever makes me happy. Yeah that's yeah that's when you don't want ever thresome because she that's she's not into what just

makes you happy that's gonna be a disaster. We got to make sure that she's into it it's just she want to be with a woman? Has she been with women before? Has she? Yeah. Yeah, she's messed around with the female before. I don't think she went the whole way, but she said she was interested in trying it with a female. Okay, well, if she's interested, what I recommend

is I love the idea of you guys doing some roleplay around it when you guys are like, fooling around and you can be like, right now I'm picturing there's another woman here and she's going down on you or she's sucking my cock or like playing with it, watching some threesome porn together and then figure out like, she's got to see how would that actually feel, have boundaries and rules, especially we're on a threesome, who's the person, but before you even get there, I think you, you have a little bit more work to do with her and make sure that she's truly on board with it. But I, what I don't love Rick is that her answer was whatever you want to please you.

Because I want to know, and what's going to serve you best, Rick, to get your needs met, is if you find out what she wants, what turns her on, you say back to her, I just want to do what pleases you. Let's figure out pleases you too. And then you go on this journey together. And then you might be amazed at what you find out. And she might not even know. And that's also a fun journey to go on. If you're willing to take it, you guys can figure out what turns are on. You know, there's a lot of different ways to do that. Yeah Let's say if I get her to you know like open up and say hey, no, this is what I want Well to be the route the best route after that would it be somebody that we know somebody that we go outside or Okay, once you get someone there's a lot of different schools of thought about this

I typically think it's not best to be with someone that you're already good friends with so that you already know I think that there's a lot of different sites to find people. What do you think, Wendy? What's your take on it? Yeah, there are a lot of different sites to find people. I've always done it with friends that I know. And it's, for me, it alays the ground for, you know, we know who the primary partnership is.

We can lay the groundwork with each other. We can talk about the boundaries, but it can get a little kind of, you know, hairy. But are they like your best for you? Because they're your girlfriends, but are they people that you wanna hook up with as well? And that way are they people that you've met in this, I guess I have with these old,

but people I've been with have been like people I met. They weren't like my girls, you know, they weren't my friends. These are like my friends. Your besties. Yeah. And you knew them for a long time before. A little bit, yeah, the first,

the first thing to three of them I had, we were friends, but I didn't know them for that long, but we hung out and worked out together. And we were constantly around each other for sure. Okay. So for me, I actually feel more comfortable if I'm hooking up with friends or someone that I know fairly well as opposed to a stranger. All right. See, there you go, Rick, you

can find it all different ways. I think it can be tricky with friendship sometimes, but but but Wendy, let's also say that you live in a world where I feel like maybe the culture of the community around are all sort of more like-minded. A bit. Yeah. A bit, yeah. So it can get tricky with friends though. If you, I agree with that.

Yeah. You just gotta tread lightly. I have a lot of conversations, and I wouldn't rush into it. Yeah, and see what she kind of feels. Like if you do get to that point, would you wanna hook up with a friend of yours? Would you wanna hook up with a stranger?

Do you wanna go on a dating site? Okay. Thanks, Rick. Let's talk to Leo. He's 41 in Washington. Hey, Leo. What's going on? Hello.

Hello. Hi, Dr. Emily. Thank you so much for your show. Really appreciate your openness towards human sexuality. And Whitney, thank you for broaching this topic. It's certainly very interesting. And it brought forth this thing that has been bothering my partner and I for quite a while. Okay.

What happened? We opened our relationship. We'd been married for eight years and we had a great sex life. We still do have a great sex life. But one of the things that happened was that our open relationship was very, very good and then went very, very south because of one of our partners created an issue. And then we decided to close it. But going into the open relationship, we often revolved around our dirty talk that was like, hey, you know, it would be super hot if you were with another girl or

if we had two guys in you. So all of our dirty talk was revolving around multiple partners and the exposure that kind of comes with that. And it was really, really hot. Well, when the openness kind of faded and we decided to put a cap on that, we kind of lost how to dirty talk. Huh? Does that make sense? Yeah. I guess I mean,

there are others so you guys are still together? Yes, absolutely. OK. I think maybe you just need some more, maybe some more material or find other things that could turn you on. Like if you guys were just dirty talking about the open relationship, how long have you always been together? First of all, 13 years. Okay.

Have you guys explored other things besides dirty talk? Because I would first say that maybe there's other things you could go on a deep dive and figure out other things to talk about. But I feel like maybe you just seem a little break from the dirty talk and try some other things. Have you tried, you know, role-playing? Have you tried any power play? Like, there's a lot of, I feel like people were into like dirty talker. There's, I think it's a way of, it's actually can be really, it's a way of being really intimate with your partner and it's a connection, especially if our minds are wandering during sex. So maybe bringing in some other

activities during sex that are like new and exciting to you guys if that is role-playing or bondage or something. Yeah, and maybe, because it sounds like the dirty talk was focused on the open relationship and that went sour, so now you don't wanna talk about it. Is that right? Absolutely, that's exactly what's going on. We get to that point where it'd be a nice moment

for like, oh, it would be so hot to see this. And both of we kind of, we get to that point where, you know, it'd be a nice moment for like, oh, it would be so hot to see this. And both of us kind of clam up and then, you know, that moment is gone. That moment is fleeting. Have you guys talked about that? We don't know. Like, hey, when we get into that moment, you know, when we, yeah, when we want to say these things, it'd be so hot if there was somebody else, but we both clam up. And then maybe get kind of curious as to why and talk about that and start healing what's there. How does that sound?

Absolutely. We've kind of gone down that path here and there and both of us have gone into therapy for it and really pushed our own, to find out why things had gone south. We took a deep dive and did a lot of introspection. Okay. And it was great, but there's still that, you know, what used to be, which was, you know, not just dirty talk, but our variety of games that we've always played, there's always that lingering sense of, yeah, but this is when it went south. But did you say why did it go south?

How did it go south? How did it go south? It was a really difficult situation. Our three sons involved a close friend of mine, and then he stepped outside of what we had established as boundaries and then lied, and it made things really difficult when then he went behind my back with my partner, and they started a more

intimate relationship than I was aware of and it really really sat wrong with my last friend. I lost trust with my partner and we had to really struggle to gain things back. Yeah, have you guys and you have you been in therapy together to rebuild the trust because whenever it's broken or you have? Yeah, and we've been doing that for about a year and it's, it's helpful, but it's, you know, it was something that was really fun before we were hurt by that incident. Yeah, no, I'm really, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, if you guys have been I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm things and thinking, where could we go next? If you guys have been together 13 years, you know, the great thing about sex, it's like therapy peeling back the layers of the audience. So maybe there's places in your sex life

that you could go now and it's gonna be a new shared experience that doesn't have to do with an open relationship but places that you've never gone. And that could be fun too, like, where do we go next? Yeah, I so agree with that. I think that could be huge. Yeah, that's so fun about sex. And healing too.

Especially if you're doing like Tantra and figuring that out and some breath work. And that can be really healing for both of you guys within that intimate setting. Yeah. We like that Leo, okay. Yeah, I haven't thought about that yet. Yeah, try something new.

So we're here for you. Thanks Leo. Thanks for calling sex with Emily. We're going gonna talk to Michelle 48 in Washington. Hey Michelle. Thanks for calling. Hi. Hi So I Have been in a relationship for the last three years with an amazing guy. We have crazy great sex super passionate I you know know how to

or has them do everything i need for my body he knows what to do it's just a really great relationship week the one thing is we do a lot of dirty talk and fantasy and role playing we both have this fantasy of each other being with somebody else whether whether we're at a club, you know, a swingers club or whatever, but for me it's just fantasy and for him it's become

where he wants it to be reality. Okay. Like he wants to put me on dating sites and have me, you know, go out, make out, have sex, but the one stipulation is it has to be in our room in my bed. Okay. It's not comfortable with that. Yeah.

And I just, I can't toy with emotions of other people like that because, and I say, you know, that kind of concerns me because it makes me think, do you really love me? But I, you know, I wholeheartedly know he's insanely in love with me. The way he says it is that I love you so much. It turns me on and gets me so hot thinking that I can share you with somebody knowing that you'll never leave me and always be with me. Okay. So the part of you, yeah, I'm just, so you're thinking like the part of you that you actually are not interested in being is the part of it that's upsetting is that you don't actually want to be with another man you just want to talk about it or is it is the part that it has to be done totally where both parties know what I'm doing. Not going online

dating and meeting someone but not being truthful. Oh, you have to be truthful. I missed that skip that part. Of course, I, yes, Wendy will. You have to be truthful. That's actually not moral ethical. That's not how you want to operate in the world. I think that's not fair to the other person. I agree. Yeah. Because when you start toy with another one's emotions, I couldn't quite understand what you were saying. But yeah, there's no toying if you guys are in truth and understand what's going on.

And when you're in that truth with each other, it's still fun for them too. And it can be fun for you as well and everybody. So but I think you do have to be open and honest about what's going on. Yeah, you really do. So that's something you would, yeah, would we still be, I mean, like so worried, each other, you know, primary or, you know, or I don't know how to use the term, but, but, you know, these other people, like like I'm not comfortable yet with him being with another woman he totally is for me and he's just like you have to swear you would you would never leave I know you're in love with me it would never happen but I just need to

hear it I just just so wrong but I hear what you're saying if it's this I feel like you guys have some more talking to do around this and some more like figuring out what exactly it looks like and what are the intentions. If you're not really ready yet or he's not really ready, it sounds like there's just maybe you guys are close but I would not let him pressure you into doing something you don't want to do and it sounds like he's a little bit more listening and you guys have to do a little bit more figuring out because there's so many different combinations of ways you could make it work yet. But I feel like if he's being really dogmatic about it, he won't budge.

And like I say, no way. You guys are still not working here. Yeah. And I think the one thing that sparks my interest too is when he was saying, obviously he wants affirmations. And I totally understand that. We all want affirmations in our relationship. But for me, the point of, you have to swear to me

that you're not going to leave sounds a little like, he's worried at the same time, even though he's turned on. I'm not really sure. So I think there might need to be a little bit more conversation there until it's like, look, I totally get that you want the affirmations there. That's hot and that sexy and we all want that. And the guarantee.

And the guarantee. No guarantee either. But I'm sure, you know, I can't, like is there something like kind of wordplay or like even like cuckolding thing I can't say that you'll never leave me. I'm just play this out. See what it really looks like. See what you would really be turned on by see what he would really be turned on by and then see if there's like some overlap there.

Okay. Thank you for calling Michelle. I appreciate it. Okay, let's talk to Dominic. He's 43 in Pennsylvania. Hey Dominic, what's going on? How can we help? Hello Emily, how you doing?

First time caller. Thanks for calling. Welcome. I drive a truck for 11 across the United States. I'll 48 states in Cleveland, Alaska. And I'm out for like three weeks, and then I come home for like three or four days. And the sex is great with my wife

We've been married for 25 years and The thing is is that when I'm out on the road. I like to talk dirty Tour on the phone make like nice compliments and you know like sexual compliments to her and she Doesn't have like any comeback. Where can she go to like get material to learn about more of a you know. Yeah no it's a great question. Does she want phone to put down my first words? Does she want to learn how to talk dirty? Yes she's asking all time like what do I need to say. Oh okay okay, cool. Texturing like. Yeah, no, this is great. So I feel like it is like it's skill like anything else

that we're not just like born with like how to talk anything, really. So talking dirty is really something where you guys can kind of like she can practice or you can practice. It's just kind of talking about things that you want to happen, something that you want to happen, something that's happened in the past, something that you want to happen.

Something that's happened in the past, describing something that she wants to happen, something that's happened in the past, something that's happened in the past, describing something that she wants to happen in the future. But really it's a memory, I think of where to go to practice this. I always say like, once you get your voice down practice in the shower, so she doesn't feel so awkward, but you guys have been together for 25 years, so I feel like you'll be cool with it. There's this app that we got, this slut bot app that's like, do you know about the Slutbot?

We would say to. Yes. Okay, fine, this is approved by everybody. Dominic, this is what she's got to do. Sign up for what is it again? It's Slutbot, literally Google Slutbot, and it's free. And it's an app on your phone, and she puts her number in, and they don't spam you. They just like, sext me all the time, and it's really hot. It'll be like, and it teaches you how to have the language. It's like, she'll say that she could even say that she's looking for,

I don't think it matters. I guess she could say that she's looking for a woman because then the woman is talking dirty to a man, doing what I'm saying. So she could learn that language for a man, but tell her just to play with it because it's an app where I found this last time. I'll read it for you. It's like you put in things that you want to try and then the app like texts you back. Let me just find it. It generates

sentences for you. It generates sentences for you. I'm a pleasure guy. I like to make sure the woman's happy. I mean, the best thing that God put on Earth is women. Yeah, I agree. So I like to please her first, and then, but when I'm texting her or if I'm talking on her phone, she's like, well, what do you want me to say back to you? And I'm like, well, tell me what you're feeling. What do you think you should say? You know, she's just kind of like, I don't know.

Well, what would you, what would, I mean, here's the thing, like maybe ask her what would feel good? Yeah, or what feels good when you guys are having sex. Yeah, ask her what she likes. And it all feels good. No, but what is she like? Like what, like she's probably worrying about what you want to say, but like what feels good to her?

Like that you've done to her? Like what it feels like, what she likes doing to you? Like I think the thing about is like being really descriptive. Mm-hmm. And you know, one of the things is I always tell like to start a great place is like she could describe like one of the f- for her most favorite times you guys had sex. Like to shave a top three moment and then she could

describe it back to you like I'm remembering the time that the kids almost walked in but they didn't and we were taking a shower and I was like, I'm not gonna describe it back to you. Like, I'm remembering the time that the kids almost walked in, but they didn't, and we were taking a shower, and I was dripping wet, and you came up behind me. You know, like, something that's actually happened. So that could be one of them, and this friggin' app, man. It's not gonna get so fun. It's like, I love trying new things with you. This is what it says to me.

I was thinking, I'd like to try using a bullet vibrator on your Clip when I fuck you from behind. Do you like the idea? Like it gives you, but this is more for a woman. So she could put she could put in a man like, you know, that she's looking for a man and then it would be like with the man. She could say she's a man and then there's a woman. You know, it's so exhausting. You know what I said? I was thinking about OMG. I was thinking about the time we had sex in the shower. I remember the feeling of your skin getting all slippery beneath my hands. How did it feel when I pressed against the tiles? Like it's awesome.

So that's what I would suggest. These are the things that I tell her about how wonderful she is. She's stuck my tongue out. When I last time I was home and how I enjoyed you know going down on her and you know and she just goes yeah aha like I'm like what do you mean yeah huh so what you enjoy tell me what you like she probably like that too but what you want to hear her say is I love sucking your cock and it's so big and when you came in my mouth it right so that's what you kind of talk to me these are there like movies out there that you can watch?

Because we can watch movies together. I see. This is where porn might be a good one. I was going to say probably just because I like porn. I have her watch. Watch some porn together. What? Yeah, honestly, like I think I finally got it.

I finally got her use of deal though after 25 nice Dominic Gooding winning winning read some erotic. Oh listen, she could read some erotic. Oh What I love is um what the what's her name the um Rachel Kramer bustle does like an anthology every year of like her a few years of the best erotic Dakota Amazon order some books about erotic as she could read that that would Really help her as well have her find something that interests her she could Even read it to you over the phone and kind of incorporate you into it get created With it, you know she tried to vibrate her who knows what's gonna happen next?

Thank you Dominic. We got to go. I appreciate you Paul keep me posted You're changing the world when orgasm and time Whitney and you're helping me. Thank you for being here Of course. I've got quick questions for you, but they have to be super quick. Ready? Biggest turn on. Um, I love being kissed on the neck. Biggest turn off.

Oh gosh, a certain smells. What makes good sex? Connectivity. Something you would tell your younger self about sex. Oh girl, learn how to please yourself and pleasure is about you too. Number one sex tip. To know that you can have very explosive orgasms. I could focus on that. You can learn that.

Please rate us wherever you listen to the show. Just look down right now. How are you listening? Give us five stars. Leave a comment and iTunes. It's totally helpful. We appreciate that. I appreciate you.

And thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. sexwithemily.com.