Sex With Emily - Trust vs. Lust

Episode Date: November 13, 2021

Trust: it’s the glue of relationships, even the more casual ones. Can I trust that this person is safe? That they aren’t going to hurt me? Can I trust myself, that I’ll know how to navigate this situation? These are the questions we all ask ourselves, even if it’s subconscious. Our bodies and brains regularly scan for danger, but when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses, sometimes the red flags just look like flags.So on today’s Ask Emily show, I take your questions on trust and safety, because as we know, safety is the precursor to hot sex. So what happens when you’re having mind-blowing sex with a partner, but catch them chatting with sex workers online? What happens when you’ve been love-bombed, by someone who isn’t what they seem? Or maybe you’ve had past relationship trauma, and don’t trust new partners to take it slow with you? We get into all of it. Finally: do you trust yourself to facilitate a hookup? Do you trust that you can help a partner heal from sex-negative messaging? These are the questions I’m exploring today, and trust ME: by the end, you’ll walk away with some great tools for sticky situations.  Show Notes:Episode: First Date First Orgasm First ThreesomeFind out about EMDR therapy at EMDRIA.orgBook: For Yourself By Lonnie Barbach  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And when we get ghosted and we've all been ghosted or you know we've had people disappear, they say it takes half your time dating someone to get over them. So this guy deserves like half a day. But it sounds like he's taken up a big portion of your time thinking about him and what I do wrong. I just think we got to move on from this. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Trust. It is the glue of relationships. Even the more casual ones, can I trust that this person is safe, that they're not going to hurt me, can I trust myself that I'll know how to navigate this situation? These are the questions we all ask ourselves. Even if it's subconscious, our bodies and brains regularly scan for danger. But when you're wearing rose-colored glasses, sometimes the red flags just look like flags. So, on today's Ask Emily Show, I take your questions on trust and safety,

because we know safety is the precursor to hot sex. So what happens when you're having mind blowing sex with a partner but catch them chatting with sex workers online? Or what happens when you've been love bomb by someone who isn't what they seem? Or maybe you've had past relationship trauma and don't trust new partners to take it slow with you. Finally, do you trust yourself to facilitate a hookup?

Do you trust that you can help a partner heal from sex negative messaging? These are the questions I'm exploring today. And trust me, by the end, you'll walk away with some great tools for sticky situations. Intentions with Emily, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you leave the groundwork for healing if you're dealing with or have ever dealt with trust issues in your relationships, because I promise you clear those out and better sex is on the horizon.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new article, How to Have More Sensual Sex is Up at SexWithemily.com and also check out my YouTube channel and subscribe for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my headline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OK, we have Jamie 44 in Utah.

Hi Jamie, what's going on? Thanks for joining us today. Thank you for having me, I'm a big fan. Oh, I'm so glad. I so appreciate you calling in. What's going on? So I wanted to reach out. Let me just give you a quick background.

I'm 44. I've been divorced for three years. And I'm, I've been dating a new guy who's a little bit younger than I am, who has never been married, and he moved in with me about a year ago, and things are going very well. We have an incredible relationship, an incredible sex life. In fact, we have a lot of sex, like every day.

And over the summer, we bought an iPad together. And I discovered how much he actually is looking at porn, which is fine. I'm fine with that. But I discovered he's been chatting online with women, you know, we pay money and then you give the tokens to make them do things. So I decided to reach out to you because coming off of a 20-year marriage, dating a little bit younger guy, everything is seemingly wonderful, we have an incredible sex life. I'm pulling out all the stops. Everything seems really exciting and happy and fun. I'm questioning myself now, though, because I discovered this on the iPad. I've since gotten my own iPad. Right. Because I guess it triggered me in a way. I just I felt like I wasn't

doing enough for him. But I guess my question and why I'm reaching out to you is what, how do we feel about this? Because to me it feels that's not right. Yeah, I know. I, I feel that it's a really great time to have a conversation with him about it because what you're saying is he's done something like only fans probably, which is very common right now that people can, he's paying to, to watch someone masturbator. He's chatting with them. Right. And that's a next level way of masturbating, which is a very common thing that a lot of people are doing right now.

What's it making you feel right now? What is it making you feel that? It's making me feel like I'm not doing enough. And I understand that. And I feel, I mean, I don't feel like jealousy or anything like that, but I'm definitely like, what am I not doing to keep him satisfied when we're already very sexually active? And we have so much fun together.

So everything seems great from my perspective. So why would we need to be chatting online and paying money? I've done some things recently that I'd never thought I would do, but I'm enjoying it. So back on from my end, you've been actually fine. Right. But on his end, what I don't understand why he needs to do this. Okay, got it. No, I told you that is such a valid concern about it.

Well, first let me just tell you this that masturbation is part of being sexually healthy and people masturbate. In relationships, they masturbate when they're out of relationships. And sometimes when people are having really satisfying sex, they masturbate more because sex begets sex and it feels so good and he just wants more and more. So I just want you to know that. It's really common. But it's all day.

Yeah. What did you say? It's what? I said best news all day. Okay, good. Yeah, I can feel your tend to want to like give you a hug and tell you that because we don't know that. And it's so common that we feel like, why do they need to masturbate if they got me? And I went through this too before I knew this.

I would get jelly, you know, when I was in my 20s, I found a guy was watching porn and I was like, oh my god, but we're having the best sex of our life. So I think it's really just about a conversation. Have you guys ever talked about masturbation together? Yeah, all the time. I'm talking about all the time. And in fact, at one point, I said to him, and I made up a story, and I was like, hey, you know, one of my girlfriends is, is really worried. She caught her husband chatting online with other women on a porn site, and he was like, oh my god, I would never, that's cheating. But I don't know. I don't know. OK, I was like, OK, well, but then I didn't do anything

about it. I felt like I would embarrass him, so I didn't want to say anything. So this would be another conversation to have, because I have to say to you that let's now address what's actually happening is this chatting with women online, with porn sites online. That is another level. And there are many women who I could see why

that's gonna make you feel jealous or be confused. And I think you just gotta ask them, say we were sharing this iPad. And I just want you to know, I think masturbation is healthy, and I'm totally cool with you masturbating, but when I saw this, it did make me feel, and you can only speak from your,

it made me feel like I wasn't doing enough and that maybe you needed more for me. And so maybe you could tell me, don't even ask if it's real because you already thought you know it's true. So just say, maybe you could tell me more about your decision to do this. Chat. Can you tell me what it does for you? What it feels for you? Because I'm just curious. And I know this is going to be hard because you're angry and you're hurt I Mean I guess if he lies and makes it excuse me you see the fake like it's who else is it you share an iPad which also feels like You should know that you could actually really surprised me that you haven't deleted a search history

Yeah, you're like dude if you deleted your search history like most people We all do that like why why are we doing it as a dessert? But I think that just for defining out more getting curious and has there ever been other things in the relationship whether you felt was off or trust or? Just in the beginning to be married for 20 years and completely out of the dating scene and then to get together with someone

who has been single his whole life and then we got together. At first, I was very sensitive to the other women that he was friends with and his social media. But I've totally gotten over that and I feel really, really confident in our relationship now. Okay, good.

There hasn't been any other, okay, good. So you trust him and he has, nothing totally trusted. Yeah. Okay, good. So this is more information as we like to say in the business. You got to get curious. And now you have more information about him and his is okay. Totally trust him. Yeah. Okay, so this is more information as we like to say in the business, you got to get curious and now you have more information about him and his porn habits. If you just saw he was watching porn, would that be his alarm is the chatting? No, because porn I don't want to care.

See, I got that. So the next level, you say, I'm cool with porn, I understand that, but this is the next level thing. I'm just curious. What it's about, and he might tell you like, I can imagine some things he might say is, well, I don't even know what happens or it helps you with stress, well, masturbate because it helps with stress or it's a release or it's a fantasy or so. Again, I'm not as alarmed with his, the frequency of his masturbation as it is this part of it and the fact that he did shame somebody else for doing it. When you brought it up, right.

But he was also responding to your like, can you believe her boyfriend did that? So he was like, Oh, shit, this will never be safe. So then he didn't feel safe. I mean, he Bobby, like, what would have been great if he's like, Yeah, I've done that. That would have been, he actually would have been great if he's like, Oh, no, I've done that. It's actually. Yeah, you'd be like, Oh, really? Like, you would have been fine with that baby. Yes. And it would have been out of sight out of mine. But the fact that he, yes, shame, yes, and I, it would have been out of sight out of mind, but the fact that he, yes, shame somebody else and was like, it's a great area.

It really is a great area because some couples are like, you know what, I get my partner, I understand them. This is what they do. I'm getting all my needs met. And I don't think it typically meets the good, anything nefarious. What's happening with porn a lot now these days is it's readily available. And then they being able to chat now with the person that you're watching is sort of a next level of rousal and a lot of people to keep elevating the arousal level of what is going to turn us on. It's kind of

risky. It's kind of taboo. Right. And it's readily available, especially during the pandemic, like only fans and all those sites are just like, you know, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. You're so welcome. I so appreciate you. Thank you for calling me in. Thank you. Okay, let me know how it goes. I'm here for you.

Okay, bye. Mastervation. Remember, it is part of being sexually healthy, and we do it in relationships all the time. And that's fine, but this is a next level. Like, what is the meaning of it? And so I think anytime we are feeling hurt or threatened by some of our

partner's behavior, the important things here that I've said are you have to listen, trying not to be angry, and just to stay curious, and then listen to your partner's answers. Even if you need to step away and continue in the conversation, if you do feel anger coming on, I think that the more we can be open to our partners and listen and understand their sexual proclivities and what turns them on, we'll be more likely to forge healthier sexual relationships all around. We have Damien, he's 28 and he's from Atlanta, Georgia. So tell me what's going on, how can I help?

I guess to make a long story short, it breaks down to my wife's masturbation routine, toys and everything that checks out, that's okay. We have a two-year-old, so that intimate time is limited. But when it breaks down to deal good to your hands, she's not for it. She's grossed out by it. She's grossed out by using her hands for masturbation on herself. Okay. Right. Okay. Have you ever asked her about why that is? What's her take on it? It's simply she's grossed out by it.

So I've dug deeper into that as maybe there's trauma around it or something in that relation, but her first sexual experience was traumatic, but not necessarily related to masturbation. Okay, but there could be something there. How is your conversation about your sex life in general? Yeah, it's open. Our kids coming up on to. Two. Yeah. So the drive post-cate has been a little rough on her, but I've been understanding of that because I know the hormones are on a roller coaster, but the conversation is open. It's there and there's good common ground and understanding. Okay.

So, what part of her feeling grossed out by touching herself bothers you? I'm not bothered by it, but I think she's missing out on that that's like a good building block of that routine. Like I said, with the limited time, you can only bring toys in somewhere to squeeze that time in and if your hands aren't the good option and kind of limited options. Okay, honestly, but she does use toys because to me, toys are efficient. Toys are quick if you don't have a lot of time and you're a young one. Yeah, you make a good point there. Yeah, but the grossed out is interesting and she's not grossed out by touching you, right?

Like she gives you pleasure and touches you and... She has her lanes with like she wants me to be nice and clean which is understanding. I sweat plenty so that's and she's not necessarily a gyro foe but let's everything be clean is her lane. Okay. Come is not her favorite substance. Okay. That's not every woman. Is there any areas that she grew up in an environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex? Or was she told it shameful to masturbate? I think there's some deal of that that's not necessarily clear in our conversation, but

I think there's a little bit of that going on. Okay. Sometimes that carries over as well. That could be part of it. And if she still is masturbating though, she is doing it like she's using toys. You said she's having orgasms and pleasure. No, I think not not as much as a woman should. Well, that's not my business. There's no magic number. Right. I think that if she uses toys and she's okay with masturbation, I think it's okay if she doesn't use her hands. I think that if she uses toys and she's okay with masturbation, I think it's okay if she doesn't use her hands.

I think that maybe it might be a pleasure when you've got me to achieve orgasms and she enjoys the sex that you guys have together. Right. Our sex life is there with we both climax. I think there's just more, we got to get get to the bottom of there's a lot of shame around sexuality and her upbringing. It wasn't okay to be loud and proud about your sexuality in her. Yeah, I mean that's so common. Do you guys ever get do you have date night? Do you have time away from your kid? So we just recently relocated to where we're close to family. So now we're going be able to have a grand-but-baby sitter. So amazing.

It's really important for couples to continue to have date night every week, like you're non-negotiable. We are having a date night. Because maybe on those nights, you could have a more relaxed conversation with her about and I would make rules around that. Like we're not gonna talk about our kid. We're gonna really just focus on ourselves in connection.

Could be a time where you maybe would say, you know what, I kind of was listening to sex with Emily and I learned some of these, you know, I thought about you and I just want you to know that part of being sexually healthy is masturbation that I've learned. And I think that the more we listen to sex positive messages, we can eradicate slowly our early messages around sex. And I think it just takes around yourself by sex-positive people, hearing sex-positive messages continually, and just sort of, you know, she grew up in a place where it wasn't okay for 18 years whenever she left home. It takes a little bit of time,

but I think you're doing all the right things here. You seem like a very loving support of a husband, so I doubt that you're ashamed. And I'm saying, well, you really should do, you know, use your hands. And you really should just guiding her gently and letting her know that pleasure is her birth rate. You support her having more pleasure and feeling good. And, you know, maybe you go shopping for toys together and she picks out something that she's into. And she loves that.

I'll have to play a little bit. Yeah. Buy some sex positive books. You know, there's, there's some great masturbation books. There's one by, and she like to read it all. She's, she loves reading. we have a whole bookshelf, out of the frame here, J.R. Ward, steamiest. All right, but maybe she could get some books

like there's one called For Yourself by Betty Dots and The Bought Masterbation. So again, just maybe you could send her articles, there's just things she could learn about it, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things and I'm excited for your date and I, and I'm excited for you to continue talking to her and I'm really glad that you're just having sex

and she's having pleasure. It sounds like you are too. So thank you for your call. I appreciate it Damien. Thank you. Yeah, let me know it goes. I'll be here. Have a good one. You too. Bye Damien. Thanks a lot. All right, remember that we have to continue to have conversations with our partners about sex and about pleasure and about masturbation. And I think that it does, it is a process of rewiring and undoing all of the negative messages that we get around sex. It simply aren't true.

We are meant to be sexual beings. Masturbation is part of being sexually healthy. But being patient with our partners as they continue on their journey, we're not all there. A lot of you listening to this show are really sort of at the forefront of this sex conversation. It's still very new for many people.

The majority of people have never talked about sex or masturbation. They haven't even challenged their beliefs around sex or masturbation. So they're like, what do you mean it's okay? I mean, and I understand that. So we have to meet people where they're at. Continue to support them on their journey. Share this episode with them. If you think there's something in here that could be useful, that's how a lot of people

find the show. And just thank you all for listening and being willing to have these conversations like Damien is with his wife. After the break, I talked to Lacey who had an amazing first date with a guy, but she hasn't heard back from him. I hate mixed signals. So we got Lacey 25 from Kentucky. Hi Lacey, what's going on? Hi, I recently met a guy online and we hit a boss pretty instantly. So we scheduled a day and a time to meet for a date. And we went on that date, and it was amazing.

We got along so well to the point that he was talking about a long term commitment and a relationship. And by the end of the night he was even saying crazy things like he was falling for me and saying things to me that made me believe he was really all in. So that night we had sex and from my experience the sex was really great. Now I'm sure of his experience of the sex but the following day we exchanged a few text messages that was normal. Well, the next day, it was completely unresponsive, so I learned that I'd actually been blocked. So from my perspective, either he was a liar the whole time and just telling me the things that I wanted to hear

in order to have sex with me, or he was telling the truth on the date, and after the sex, either the sex is bad or something, and he decided not to talk about that with me. So the whole situation obviously laughs me with lots of questions, but regardless of the situation, it just has made me feel like, what's the point of putting myself out there going on dates and doing things like this, if these are kind of my options I'm left with, either someone who will lie to me to just have sex with me or someone who's unwilling

to be vulnerable after. So. Wow. OK, well said. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. and I can imagine that your mind is jumping to all these places. Like, why did he go? Why did he block me? What did I do?

Like, what's wrong with me? Am I a terrible lover? But I have to tell you that this guy sounds like, you know, telling you that he's falling in love with you and he's putting out the moves and the fact that you felt so comfortable with him. He sounds to me like he's a professional player. It knows how to get women to do what he wants. So that is to have sex. And the fact that he blocked you, it was aggressive and you barely, you didn't know him. To me, it has nothing to do with you.

But also, you'll never know. That's also the truth. We have to remember that we'll never know. And when we get ghosted and we've all been ghosted or we've had people disappear, of course, we obsess. But I I think it was one night they say it takes half your time dating someone to get over them so this guy deserves like half a day but it sounds like he's taken up a big portion of your time thinking about him and what I do wrong and I think what it sounds to me was like a little bit of love bombing as we call it

when they just come on really strong and they make you feel safe and they looking to your eyes and they do all the right things. I mean, I can't imagine that it was anything that you did. And if it even was again, you won't know, but the fact that he blocked you is so aggressive. And you had a great night. He stepped over. I mean, how old is he? Is he in his twenties as well? It's, no, he's a grown ass.

Okay. He's 34. 34. I just think we got to move on from no he's a grown ass man. Okay. Oh, four. Three four. I just think we got to move on from this. Yeah. Definitely. I feel more logical about it now that it's been a few more days, but he did send me a text a few days later.

So apparently he unblocked me to send the text and said something along the lines of look, sorry for being a jerk. I've got to work on myself. I wish you the best luck. Okay. So I didn't respond after that. Love bombing is something that I have not experienced. Yeah, I know.

It's tricky to catch because it feels so good. Someone's seriously like pouring the most delicious cocktail of love hormones all over you like dopamine and serotonin and all the things, it feels so good to feel adored by somebody and to feel that connection. And it's hard to spot. You're like, maybe this is real. I feel this too.

And then you're bam. So I think anytime someone says they're falling in love with you, or maybe even having sex so quickly, maybe that's just something that you're gonna want to wait on a bit. Cause I always think like, I'm not one who has rules, like three-date rule and all that stuff. Some people can just, like, like, I just to have sex and I'm going to have sex tonight.

I don't care what happens if that's you and it feels good. Great. But for many of us, I want to get to know the person a little bit and maybe I'm I love that I'm feeling attracted to this person, but let's see what happens the next time I see him and it's really hot to have anticipation and to like get excited to see someone next. It feels like trying to find a balance of like being vulnerable and open and sharing and knowing when to read the red flags. Right, so I think that anytime someone it moves really fast, or they're saying they think they're falling in love,

and even having sex right away, I don't know, I get there's just as many stories like, but I had sex with my partner on the first date, we've been together 20 years, you hear just as many of those stories. So again, if there's a reason why you have to right away, but I just wait, get to know someone, especially after this situation as you're feeling so tender. So what, and you've had experiences in the past though that have been positive with partners. Good sex experiences. Okay.

I think anybody who's grown can make their own decisions as long as it's consensual. Feel free to do whatever you want to do, but I don't have sex super often. You know, it is, I think it just got caught up in the love bombing nature of it and the feel good. You're for ya of it, but I think it has taught me a little bit about how to myself and how quickly to move in the future. Yeah, luckily you're out pregnant.

You can get an STD like this guy's block is out of your life and all of these things are lessons. So yeah, well, thanks. I love it. Of course, I'm here for you. Thank you. Bye. So a lot of times we have to think about rejection can be protection, which is a great

way to reframe it. We can't go sit for so many reasons. We will never know why and typically it's never even about us. And if it is about us too, great, that's not your person. It doesn't mean that you're flawed, that you're a terrible person, that you're never gonna find love again,

even though our minds love to go there and create some drama, that's just gonna keep us out down and under for so long. It doesn't have to be that way, so remembering to pay attention and to go slow, if that's right for you, I even recently got loved bombed in the last few years. I mean, same thing happened to me and I'm a professional.

I was like, but it feels so good. And we were at a connection and I'm like, it must be real. And parts of it are real. Part of it, today's, we talk about in the moment that we feel really good about something, but again, we're responsible for our own behavior, our own judgments, pay attention to yourself,

and just try to move on. It's quickly as you can and learn the lesson, and don't use it as another way to beat yourself up that there's something wrong with you, but just use it as a resource to learn more about the kind of partners you want to date, and get back out there. We have Rachel, 25 from North Carolina.

Rachel, tell me everything. What's going on? Yeah, I'm getting back into the dating world after going through the pandemic, single, solo, and it feels very foreign now, which it didn't use to. So I was just hoping, wondering what your advice would be in terms of starting to date and have partnered sex again after I've been like quite literally busy here. Yeah, it's been a year. I know. So many of us, right? I mean, what's going to you starting to date again or just feels like you're not ready or in your situation? Okay. So when the pandemic started, how did a situation fall apart?

And then, you know, work on myself throughout the past year. And now I'm starting to date again, been seeing a couple guys, but, you know, it just feels strange. I know. Okay, so talk to me more about what feels strange to you.

What is happening exactly? I just can't really use to like being by myself. I live alone just my dog and so now it's not only like getting to know somebody again and having to be like my public self, but also the like starting to have pertinencex again like what if I forgot to. I have to say it is like riding bike. I don't think you're gonna forget out of partner sex, but I do get what you're saying. I'm feeling that too, it's going out socially. It's a lot to get ready and go out and like to manage conversations all around.

Like it's a, we all sort of got to practice. So we also have compassion for ourselves and be kind to ourselves and understand that like, it's just an interesting time. And I'm sure that probably the proof of it, your dating are in the same position as you. And that might be, now I'm thinking about a really interesting conversation

to have with someone saying, how is it for you? Because right now I'm feeling like this is a new muscle, I got a build again. Yeah, I haven't thought about it. Yeah, try off again. Yeah, I think it's the more real, and that's the vulnerability that we all talk about.

It's like that's such a vulnerable real moment. It's to say, like, this is kind of weird. I've got really used to me in my dog. It's a little little awkward or what do you think? So I think that's the first thing is seeing if there's a commonality there. And I feel like you've been doing all the right things. You're listening to the podcast and you said that you were pleasing yourself or you were masturbating and doing all the things. So I think the important thing is just to be honest and be having sex with people that you feel comfortable with that you are, are you starting to meet people online or when you're out, how you meeting them?

A little bit of both. And the situation from the start of the pandemic has like resurfaced, but just be a text right now. And so I'm like stressed about being like, yeah, you can come over. I don't know. Do you want to see them again? I forgot how to do it.

I do. Yes and no, like I don't know. Do you want to see him again? I forgot how to do it. I do. Yes and no. Like, I don't know that he's like relationship material, but like that true material for for sure. So you just have sex with it. I don't think you're going to forget that was the sex good before. It was the same. Yeah, I think we were both pretty stressed like about the pandemic and we were both kind

of in our heads, but it was good and I think it could be better. Okay. Why did it end? We just kind of didn't touch when social distancing became a thing, because he was working in the service industry and I actually work in public health, so it was like we are no contact at all. Okay. Well, I think that might be interesting and just to say, even just saying like, oh, wow, I haven't really been with anyone or this is going slow and remembering to breathe and ground yourself. And I've found that once we start to state what's really going on in our heads, whether it's insecurities or anxieties around things that it clears it, it doesn't become as much of like, I have to act a certain way and I have to show up a certain way. So I think that just being yourself and so how was your, I'm also curious about your past

relationships and your experience with sex and being with partners. Was that something that you had? Yeah, it was like really easy and I definitely like never really had any apprehension around it, but now that it's been like so long and the situation chip and I we would use FaceTime and stuff like that and I feel like I got really good at that kind of like performance piece of it. And now I'm like, how do I like go back to doing it in person? I just feel like I'm gonna look ridiculous or like not be as good. Cause it's like, I have the muscle memory

is it there, is it not? It is. I think you don't forget. I think that maybe for a moment, but the great thing I can tell you to or something to remember, is that every time we're with a new partner, gives us an opportunity to create a new sexual relationship.

What I mean is, if you are present and you're focused on that person, your chemistry, your energy together is gonna create, you'll know what to do. It's like meeting a new friend, or when you're like, at work, you just, it's conversation skills. And so I feel like it's really about just being present, being seen, and also just letting

them know that it might be a little bit awkward. But I think that it might be something that you're really worried about overly so, because I feel that it's going to be, I feel like you're going to be just fine, because I can kind of leave your body in some ways done in a good way. Like you sort of are mad at me. You leave your mind, right? You're not, I think that when you're feeling that chemistry, that attraction with someone,

that I think it's different when you're performing or you're on FaceTime, it's like the lights and you can see yourself and it's a whole different. It's really easy to get in your head and be like, this looks good, that, you know. But it's not as much like being with somebody and feeling them and touching them and smelling them and all the things.

So I think like it's just such a carnal primal experience that you're just I feel like you're going to be okay and know what to do. But if you're having anxiety about it, I would just share that. And we also have podcasts called First Date, First Organism, First threesome. And we talked there about how to like if you're doing something sexual for the first time what to do, which might be helpful for you calming your nerves. I should have checked out. Yeah, check it out. But to me, what helps me with anxiety the most is deep breathing, meditation.

Yeah. Okay, I'll try to, I'll try to, shutting my brain off. Maybe talking to him first. Being present, and talk, yeah, exactly. Well, here's the other thing when you said that you just want him to come in and start having sex right away.

Does that really what you want? Maybe it's what you had with them in the past. But is that really what you want now? Are you looking for my relationship? No, I think that's like where some of the anxiety comes from is now it's all I want to hang out and talk first and like maybe go slower than we had in the past. Okay, so this is it. This is what I was feeling.

I actually wanted to circle back to this because you said he's just going to come over because you want to have the sex. But I think that maybe don't have him come over. I was thinking, well, we'd about dinner. You never got to do that before. Just because I know we did that. I had a situation ship as well, and it's no longer happening,

but it was all about being in my house during the pandemic and having sex and it ended for other reasons. But the last thing I wanted to see him in my house was I'm like, we couldn't go out then. We couldn't go to dinners. We couldn't go to movies. We couldn't go to dinners. We couldn't go to movies. We couldn't go to concerts.

So I think if it's time to test, if you actually want to be with this guy, because I think if you have a dinner or you go to a show or you do something together, you'll already feel more comfortable. But I think it's like, boom, I'm here. If someone just showed up my door now and wanted sex, I'd be like, I don't know, I'm not even ready for that.

You know, it's even in day-to-day life. So I think going easy and stating your needs right now and saying, this is what I don't know, I'm not even ready for that. You know, it's just even in day to day life. So I think going easy and stating your needs right now and saying, this is what I need right now, I'm not looking just to hook up and say it however you want, but say, I thought we'd get some dinner first. Thought we'd go for a walk first. I thought we'd, you know, I think that you'll feel comfortable because I think it's this particular situation

that's making you feel like you got to perform and it doesn't tell like it's what you want anymore anyway. Yeah, I think that might be it. I'll try it. Maybe next time I hear from him, I'll just be like, how about we go for drinks first? Yeah, see he actually liked this guy outside of your apartment. Yeah, that might be the problem. Yeah, I think so. That's what's going on. I know. Welcome. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. Bye. Bye. A lot of us have so much anxiety, in. I appreciate it. Of course. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. Bye. Bye, Rachel.

A lot of us have so much anxiety, just anxiety in general. And usually it's fear, like false evidence appearing real. We are so afraid of being rejected or that we're not going to show up right. And we're going to do something that's just embarrassing. And I just think that learning to, number one, breathe, like I said, God, you guys, the game changer when you really breathe deeply. But also, learn to ask for one, breathe. Like I said, God, you guys, it's a game changer when you really breathe deeply. But also, learn to ask for what you want and really drill down what is my fear.

Talking to Rachel, it's like, she actually didn't want what he was proposing. Like, I think I used to go, people are pleasing. I'm not, everyone likes me, but the truth is, it's really a manipulation to get people to like you. So you might as well just state what you want and let partners know if you want to have dinner first, have dinner. And I want to say this, you this you guys remember just because you even agree to sex and someone shows up at your apartment

You're ready to have sex at your house and you change your mind That's okay, too. You're allowed to say you know what I was feeling like I was in the mood for sex But I'm actually not I'm hungry. You want something to eat like totally okay to switch and I think as a woman I never thought that was okay. I was very much raised like, well, I don't want to get blue balls or I don't want this terrible thing to happen, but all of that is kind of bullshit. People can handle it.

We're all adults. And the practice of asking for you want, stating it and standing up for yourself is invaluable, whether it's in the bedroom or the boardroom. We're going to take a quick break. But when I come back, I talk to Karina who's having trouble dating after a toxic relationship.

My heart goes out to everyone in toxic relationships, just know there's hope, and you can heal, and move on. Be right back. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hi, Karina. Hi, Emily. Let me know what's going on. I'd love to help you. Yeah, so now I'm waiting and trying to find a boyfriend for a few years now.

And what's getting in the way of that is that I don't have the most sex positive attitude. As my first boyfriend, I was very emotional dependent on. And so I didn't stick up for myself. I had sex way too early and yeah, a lot of stuff happened which I didn't really want to and so I basically started a lot of times sticking up for myself and saying no to guys even nowadays and then those sometimes when I say no, they still ignore it and yeah, it's's quite hard. And yeah, I'm working on that. And whenever I find a guy which I'm interested in, and I don't want to overload them with my baggage and stuff. And it's hard to, today, if you're not in a positive mode, the bus sucks and stuff like that.

And you can just ask the guys to wait a bit. They never seem to be interested in that. Okay. Have you ever talked with therapists about any of this stuff before? Yeah, I am in therapy at the moment. Good. Okay, I love that.

I think, especially as a woman, we are so not taught how to say no. We're taught that if we put energy out there to a partner and once we get started, we can't say no. We're taught that if we put energy out there to a partner and once we get started, we can't say no because it's going to upset them or we owe it to them. And that's a practice that we have to learn to say, really be in our bodies and learn what our yeses are in our nose. Like I know that I live a lot of my life in my head, but when I learn to feel things, like somatic experiences

in my body and think, what am I actually feeling right now that our body tells us what is it, yes, and what is it no, but that's also a practice. Like I think that there's some men who will not be interested in you if you say no, and they only want sex, but those aren't your guys. They think there are some that are going to say, okay, I hear you.

Let's take all the time you want. I really want to get to know you. And so I'm wondering how comfortable you are showing up in relationships as yourself right now and sharing parts of yourself. And I think that they will be interested in what you have to say. Yeah, tell me more about your experience with that.

So on dating app and hinge, not Tinder because Tinder allows to be the good one in my experience. And I tell them right there, like I'm not interested in the one night stand. And there are some guys who take that seriously and some still trying to like have sex on the first day and it's like, it doesn't need to be a more nice then. And it's like, that's the way I'm here for you. I was like, I want to get to know you first. And some take it more positive, but in my experience, maybe 5% of the guys,

like for who I talked to, I'm willing to wait longer than three days. Wow, okay, because you're doing the right things here. You're stating what you need, which I love. I'm trying to think of, I'm really, to wait longer than three days. Wow, okay. Because you're doing the right things here. You're stating what you need, which I love. I'm trying to think about how we can reframe it. So by saying I'm not interested in one night stands, what are you interested in?

Maybe we flip that and say, I'm actually interested in getting to know someone. I'm interested in a relationship. I'm interested in, and then just sort of, I think when you state that's more positive than like not a one night stand. And then also, this is the thing,

there's like such a nuance to this, but there's a big difference between a no and a not yet. We don't really know how to calibrate that. Like I think that sometimes maybe I, for example, you might be with someone and you're making out and it feels really good. And that feels good. You really like the making out or the kissing

or maybe they have their hand on your breast, but then they start to go down your pants and you think, wait, I really liked the making out or the kissing or maybe they have their hand on your breast, but then they start to go down your pants and you think, wait, I really liked the making out. So it's a practice saying, you know what, stopping and saying, you know what, can we just go back to kissing? I was really enjoying that right now. I thought that was really hot and that's what feels right for me right now.

But sometimes we don't know, we just say no and we shut it down. It's not just a hard yes or a hard no that no sometimes can mean not yet. Not right now. I'll see you next week. Let's go out again. I'm not there yet, so using your words around what feels good to you.

Hearing those phrases helps a lot, because I'm struggling with, because I love intimacy, I love cuddling in all of those things and that's a me big part of relationship obviously. And it's hard to like wanting that, but that most of the time leaving to sex, which I'm not always ready for. And I was like, feeling like there's a point can get a person and a leading them on or getting the balls open. I don't want to do that either. It's just absolutely again. It's okay to let someone down. And I don't even know that you are, but I think it maybe as a pleaser,

I'm a pleaser too, as somebody wants to worry so much on people's feelings and like, oh, are they okay? I've had a lot of sexual experiences where I look back and I was like, I wish, why did I do that? And I just did it because it was easier than saying no.

So I'm just like, well, just give my blow job, or I'll just have sex right now because it's easier than not. And the truth is, I didn't know that it was okay to be like this is not what I want to do Doing it in a way that's true to yourself. I think that would garner so much respect from men that just saying like I'm not into it right now or not getting yourself in situations where it is Even intimate too fast like I pretty much know if I'm going back to a guy's house these days as an adult woman that They're gonna expect sex is gonna happen and so I just won't much know if I'm going back to a guy's house these days as an adult woman that they're going to expect sex is going to happen. And so I just won't do that if I'm not ready. Or I'll just just gauge the situation, start to let them know that I'm

not interested in being sexual or I really like cuddling. I love cuddling. I is my favorite thing. Let's go watch a movie. I just would love to cuddle. And really, then you get to stick to that. If you said that, you get to stick to it. So I think it's you, you have to like, practicing stating what Kareena wants and being your best advocate. Yeah. Amazing. Thank you very much for that. Of course. Of course. It's like, nowadays it seems to be so not okay to not be comfortable with blow jobs. Everyone's like, Oh, no, that's easy. Just give it there're be happy. And I'm like, I'm not comfortable with it.

I'm like, very picky with food already. Everything that's limey is like, yeah, I can't eat it. And for me, obviously, also my first having to give a blow job as a forest and that also didn't help and stuff like that. So is it okay to say a woman, I don't want to do that? Or is it like, yeah, it's all okay. It's all okay to say I don't want to do that or he said like, yeah, it's all okay. It's all okay to say I don't want to give a blow job

And I would also look at like this fear. I think that you had someone force it on you It's like you know, I people you're anything's force on us We automatically don't want to do it But especially when it comes to sex your early memories around blow jobs was that it's a forced thing You weren't even giving a moment to enjoy it So I think when you're with a trusted partner and you're in a relationship with somebody or someone that you just even just fits trust

and say I had a bad experience, like being honest, like I had a bad experience with this and I'm open to kind of experiencing again, but I need to go slow. So maybe you just look at the penis and you like lick it, you get my hand job, but you're still, you get closer to it. But I think saying I don't blow jobs,

I'm never gonna give one. Cause I hear from women 20 years older than you who still feel that way because of an earlier experience. And I don't want that to be you. Maybe you don't like it. Like maybe you will not like it and you're like, it's gross, I don't like it. But I feel like you didn't, unfortunately,

you had an abusive situation where you didn't get to make that decision for yourself. And I don't want that to dictate your future about anything with sex. That's why I asked about therapy. And there's a lot of like trauma work. Like EMDR therapy is a great therapy. People specifically focus on this kind of work. So you no longer are getting triggered in that way.

I would just say be open to it. But you know, I understand why it's a no, but also saying I'm willing to explore my yes, but I'm not there yet. I think you still get to decide. It sounds like it's been complicated from your earlier experiences. Yeah. So I think you can just present like I'm here and I'm learning I had some experiences in the past, but I'm being present with you and I'm going to the next partner and I'm willing to learn,

but I really need to go slow and have really great communication. I want to talk about things. I want to this to be consensual. I want to know what you like. I want to talk about things, I want to this to be consensual, I want to know what you like, I want to know what I like, and this is why being honest. It's on some issues. Okay, good. Well, thank you for your question. Let me know how it goes, okay? I will. Okay, thanks, Kareena. Have a great night.

Thank you, Emily. I really like this call because I think Kareena is really open and a lot of us need to remember your know could be a not yet. And getting that specific is so helpful because sometimes it's even like with initiating sex and as we say no and we don't tell our partners well, I'm not in the mood for sex right now but I can't let's have sex in the morning or let's have sex tonight. And I think that being greater communicators around our desire and around what we actually want,

as opposed to what we don't want, is important. And working on any traumas or fears we have around things is also important because they do stick with us for a lifetime. And especially if you had abuse or trauma in a relationship, it's really important. But I just want to let everyone know that you don't own anyone anything.

You don't owe them sex. you don't owe them low jobs or oral sex, and the more we can really pay attention to where our true yeses are and our true knows, and then learn to be our best advocates, the more likely we're going to find healthy relationships and have our healthiest sex lives ever. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and

share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemle.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex With Emily

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