Sex With Emily - Turn Ons and Turn Offs with Hannah Cranston

Episode Date: May 23, 2017

Ahh, millennials; a generation so studied and scrutinized by the generations before them, it’s almost as if they’re another species. But what is it that makes them so interesting? It’s their unique approach to sex and dating. On today’s show, Emily is joined by host and executive producer of YouTube’s Think Tank, Hannah Cranston, who also happens to be a millennial! The two discuss how millennials may be having less sex, but are more experienced and open about the quirks of it all! Are you chick who would rather sleep than cuddle? Are condoms and blow jobs a good mix? How do you do a 180 on your sex life? The dynamic duo discuss these issues, plus reveal five things that guys do that girls absolutely hate. Click, subscribe and listen! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Casper, FT London's G-Ring, System Jo and Magic Wand. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm here with Hannah Cranston from YouTube's Think Tank and we're answering your questions so you can have the best sex and relationships possible. Topics include what to do when you don't like cuddling, what you don't know about blow jobs and STDs, how to improve a long-term sex life that's gone for a virgin's first time. All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry?

It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemily.com where you can easily subscribe to the podcast. I love when you subscribe and you can also review me in iTunes. I'd so appreciate your reviews. And we, you know, we work hard here to give you really great shows, useful and insightful new information. And, you know, I'd love a five star, but, you know, do what you will. I appreciate it.

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or what was that toy you mentioned or that article that'll all be up there? And also subscribe to my weekly newsletter so you can stay in the know and all things, sex and relationships. Also you guys just so you know, week left of masturbation month and you still have some time you guys.

You have until May 31st to email me your favorite masturbation routine. Do you have a special ritual, a toy that you just love, do you have a music or a center, like something that really turned you on, like what do you do in your masturbate? Because we want to learn, we want to know. And if you submit that to me to feedback at sexwithelme.com,

if you're over 18, and you can submit it before midnight and May 31st, you can win a masturbation month prize will be selecting winners, and my trusty team here at Sex with Emily will pick one for actually. You're going to get some very pleasurable packages, as I'm sure you can imagine. So okay, thanks for joining me. I have a special guest here today, the beautiful and smart Hannah Cranston. Hi, Hannah. Hi, how are you?

Nice to see you. I'm so excited that you're here. I'm so excited to be here. No, it's super fun. Okay, so Hannah, if you don't know Hannah is, which I can't imagine, she's the host and executive producer of YouTube's Think Tank and a regular guest host on the Young Turks contributor to having to pose,

pop sugar, what else? What don't you do, Hannah? I mean, I don't know. I'm excited. I think this is my first in studio podcast. Really? I've done podcasts over the phone. This is my first in studio.

Oh my God. This is so fun. I'll go into my studio. Thank you. It is beautiful in here, guys. You have to see this. Thank you. They're like pictures.

You have pictures up on your social media. Not yet. Well, yeah. We do a lot of snaps during the show and we do them after the show also I'm Instagram and all that stuff, but we Now, you know, it's so funny. Okay, so in my mind we moved here about a year ago But I'm still it took us a while. It was a white box. There was nothing here So I feel like the outer area we've done, but this part I still feel like it needs work

But I'm glad you you know it is so close to my heart. Yeah, I feel like I'm glad you like it You too. So thank you. It is good vibes to my heart. Yeah, I know. I'm glad you like it. I'm glad you too. So, so thank you. It is good vibes, right? That's what I want. Good vibes. Good energy, good vibes. I'm glad you're here.

And I loved being on your show. It was for Valentine's Day on your YouTube channel, which is crazy, like, a good bazillion downloads. Yeah, you did so well. There was so many views because you had so much great information to share. I think you came back on the show. I know, I would love to do that.

And it was the Valentine's Day show and we talked about what to do, what not to do, toys and stuff like that. And that was a good time. So I will come back. And you can follow us on Hannah Cranston, C.R.N. Oh, I should spell it because Hannah can spell like 16 ways. That's true. That's true.

H-A-N-N-H, C-R-N-S-T-O-N for Twitter and Instagram, Hannah Krinst, and host for Facebook. This is all going to be on our website. So okay, what the hell is going on with you? What's the latest? Yeah, the latest is obviously doing Think Tank, and you guys can check that out at youtube.com slash Think Tank, where we talk about basically whatever is going on in the news, recently some current events in the political sphere. And then I've been doing some fun Facebook videos

for the young Turks that really kind of delve into some more issues like today. I covered mandatory minimums, but I've also been looking at like sanctuary cities and what really these terms mean and how people can like learn more about what is being talked about in the media. Well, I love that you do it in such a fun way too, because you're really fun to watch.

You're smart, charismatic, and there's so much going on now with politics for better for worse. I know it's mostly worse, but you make it very digestible for people. If they have been following, go check out Hannah and just tell you about it, and then she's fun to watch and smart. So it's a good, good moment. I mean it. I was just like watching watchers laughing out loud. Yeah, I do that, I do that.

So I laugh with you. So that's cool. So I've just checked that out. And I want to talk to you about, there's so many things. But well, first of all, when I saw you last, you would just started dating someone, right? So you're, I'm seeing someone, the same guy.

Okay, now. Yes. Good, good, good. Because I wanted to talk to you about some, so like, your generation's a millennial. They're a millennial. I'm not a millennial. But I feel like this is this generation

that everybody, we're spending more dollars that we ever have, I think, studying your generation for everything, like shopping habits, to, you know, political views, but also a lot of insects and dating. And relationships. Everyone's like fascinated about how you go, so either it's just so much more visible now because of all the apps and all that or you guys are, I don't even know what it is, but there's an obsession with the fact that, you know, that you guys aren't, they're saying, you know, you people not having relationships,

you know, jumping right into sex, not even caring about relationships, but it's about sex or it's about, I don't know, that relationships are obsolete, not for you, but what's going on? Yeah, so it's really reassessed. Well, we're a great generation, they both have been obsessed with it. But I think it's really interesting because the thing is, we're actually having sex

with fewer partners than generations prior. So I think it's sort of conflated, I guess, thing is we're actually having sex with fewer partners than generations prior. So I think it's sort of conflated, I guess, in the media with the fact that we don't have as much stigmas around sex. So because we are a lot more open about sex and there's not all of these barriers and confines trying to hold us in and women are allowed to be more free with sex and things like that now, than they were. I think that's where people get the idea

that we're just like sleeping around. But in fact, we have fewer sexual partners than our parents' generation, which is really interesting. Exactly. I find that really interesting because that is what's come out. It's not that you're sleeping around. You might even just be, you know, maybe going on lots and going on a lot of different dates or different sites, but not necessarily like having sex because it's, you're right, it's been

around, do you have a lot of information about it? Is that what you think it is? You're like, yeah, I could have sex any time, but I'm kind of focused on my career or I'm focused on my friendships. Like, why do you think that that's not as much of a thing for you? Yeah, I mean, I mean, for the gender, for our generation, I think part of it is because more of us are going to school, so I think we're putting off that. And I think there is the internet, right? And so you're not as like, you don't have to be as curious physically because you can sort of look at some of the information online.

And now we have better like comprehensive sex education, which shows that like people actually sort of delay sex anyway. So I think those are some of the reasons that were. How was your sex education? Like how did that look? Well, I went to a relatively liberal West Los Angeles private school. So my sex education was like very thorough,

very comprehensive, very sort of like pro choice. All of that, which was great. Cause I went to an all-girl school, so it was, I mean, I think I had a great sex education, unless I had like a really open parent. So when I ever had a question or anything like that, I would just sort of ask them and they were always... Do you remember like your first question to them?

I believe, so this is actually a very funny story. I will share it. So I was at a friend's house when I was like in second grade and we came across her dad's like dirty magazine, his dad's porn oh magazine back when they were magazines and she we were looking through it and she explained to me and he goes she thinks she said I think my dad has this because he never sees my mom naked. And that was like, I have a very naked household. So that to me, like they'd know something. That's for me on an app, okay.

Yeah, it made no sense to me. And so I explained it to my mom when I got home. She's like, well honey, they have three children. So that's not the case. And then she sort of explained sex to me, you know, at a very young age, but I think because she was just so open with it and didn't try to lie to me or like,

tell me some euphemism or anything like that. Right. I always just had a very open relationship with her. Yeah, it was super healthy. Yeah, yeah. She's like, never gets to see my mom. That's the kid's mind. I love that, the way of like thinking about it, you know.

Yeah, that's sweet. And I love that. And it's kind of a about it. Yeah, that's a bit, and I love that. It's kind of a good attitude though for parents. And I'm gonna be doing a lot more about this because one of my obsessions really is about educating young people around sex and how she young girls, because we're not told anything. I mean, I was told nothing.

So even my parents, they were open. They were like, if you have questions, you can come talk to me. So I always felt I was open, but I feel like the big thing was I didn't even know what to ask until there was like a problem, meaning that my friends were like, even at an orgasm, yeah, I'm like,

what the hell is that? Like it didn't even occur to me to masturbate. Like it wasn't even like, oh, I should try this. It just didn't come across in my head. So yeah, that's what happened to me. Mastervation, now I realize, well, what the hell was I missing?

And we are gonna go shopping in the sex toy closet after just so you know. All right, so I was watching your videos on YouTube because they are so fun. I literally was like, I was like laughing like, what are you doing? I'm like, she's so fair!

But you did the one about five, so it is a lot of political, it's technology, do lots of, but you also talk about sex and dating. And you talked about five things guys do that girls hate. Yeah, that was a, we had to really shorten that list. Exactly, right?

Well, we can talk about what's missing from the list list. And I think I kind of agree. I think this is really funny. So one of them was guys, you're like, I'm a good guy, I'm a good guy. It's where to go, I'm a good guy. If you have to say you're a good guy, you are not a good guy.

Yeah. You feel like you got to lead with that? Like there's something wrong. People are like, I'm really funny. I'm really funny, don't you think I a good guy. Right. Yeah. If you feel like you got to lead with that, like, there's something about people that I'm really funny, I'm really funny, don't you think I'm funny? Same thing. No, it's the same thing with, you know, certain leaders of the free world who are constantly talking about how much money they have and how great everybody is. Like, if you really have to overcompensate that much, there might be something underneath

the surface there. Exactly. Exactly. Even on dating profiles and stuff, when guys are like, I'm a really good guy. there might be something. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great.

That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great.

That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's's just like, what? That's a little ironic there.

I mean, that's what I was going to, the guys you like diss women, right? Like, don't, yeah, exactly. And what's this whole, my friends really upset right now because he says on all the apps, speaking of things that guys do, he's upset, upset because all these girls are going like, no hookups. I don't want to just hook up.

People feel like they have to say that in their apps. And he's like, well, if they say they're not gonna hook up, they probably will hook up. I don't know, I'm like, that's do she. But, yeah, I mean, I don't want to just hook up. People feel like they have to say that in their apps. He's like, well, if they say they're not gonna hook up, they probably will hook up. I don't know, that's too cheap. But yeah, I mean, I guess it depends on the app because I think different apps have different sort of reputations. And so I think if there's like an app that you're on

that may have more of a hookup reputation and you are looking for something that's more serious, you don't want to be constantly bombarded with like. That's what I think too, but the fact that he was like, I doubt that women just like a lot of them don't say things like that. But don't, be constantly bombarded with what? That's what I think too, but the fact that he was like, I doubt that women, just like a lot of them, don't say things like that. But don't, yeah, let me see what I'm saying on his app. Okay, so also putting other women down

to lift up his girlfriend. Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna, if you talk about another woman poorly, I think that is sort of like, especially if you're talking about like aesthetics or anything like that, I think that's an indication of your respect for women in general. Just like how you like look at a guy

and how he treats your mom because that's how he's gonna treat you. I think it's the same sort of thing. If you're looking at a guy who's critiquing a woman's appearance so harshly and negatively. And specifically. And specifically. Yeah, like I think that's how they probably,

that's the lens that they're looking at you with. And I don't think that is conducive to a positive relationship. I absolutely agree. And I think that's something they probably, that's the lens that they're looking at you with. And I don't think that is conducive to a positive relationship. Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I think that's something to watch for when it's funny because my mom, she didn't give me a ton of advice, but what she said was, look at how we treat this mother

and that's how I was going to treat you. Did your mom tell you that? Yeah, 100%. She said that. And so I was like, and it's really interesting. Like when I'm out with somebody's like, yeah, my mom's a star, I don't like to talk to her.

I'm like, do, do, do, red flag. But then if he's like, you know what I don't like here? And this is like, I think this is kind of an a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I'm a mom, in terms of a number or a letter and none of it. I don't want any of that. Right. It's true. And also, I want to say to a lot of women because I've had a lot of friends who've gone through this. And it is a form of being like psychologically abusive.

If you're the guy who is criticizing your appearance or telling you that you dress definitely or do something differently or like, you know, your skin's messed or they're pointing things out to you, I just think that that is just a really bad sign to be in a relationship like that where there's a huge focus. You know, women, we all can get concerned about. We have our own insecurities, right? And we're trying to, you know, it's not just about our looks, we're trying to, you know, we do our best to move through things and stay positive.

So you're the guy that's making you feel bad about this stuff in any way. I think you got to get out. Yeah, I agree. I think you could realize it. It's not just sort of the sensitious, you know, they're dropping these things and like years go by and they're like just sort of the sensitious, you know, they're dropping these things and like years go by and they're like just shells of their former self. So I think if women, if you're in a relationship

and that sounds right to you right now, I just did your favor. Okay, this is another one of everyone's, all my acts are crazy. Yeah, there's a comment denominator there, bro. Right, exactly. You are the comment denominator. I feel like I can't meet a guy who said,

who does, I feel like every guy, says, yo, she was crazy. Like, they don't even realize like almost like, well, if she's my ex, therefore, she's crazy. It's no. Yeah, no, I mean, that's a real big issue because like, crazy is one of those terms that I think guys just sort of ascribed to women,

Willie Nilly, because you don't often hear, like, oh, my ex-boyfriend was crazy unless he was like legit a stalker. But guys can just sort of apply crazy or bitch to women so willingly. And obviously, there's so many that detrimental effects of that and the way that it is,

I guess the way that it sort of describes and disregards, you know, the entire mental illness community and things like that. Like it's just like a sick term that guys just sort of used to de-legitimize women and whatever their needs might have been or whatever their issues might have been in a relationship. Like it's F-Duck. Exactly.

And I think that if you guys are using that as your default, I think that you should stop and look inside because there's takes two in every relationship and you had a part in that in the demise of it. Like there was something that you did and she did and just didn't work together, but it's not because she was crazy. We don't believe you, and in fact, now you look crazy.

Yeah, and just to add on to that, I think guys who talk a lot of shit about their ex-girlfriends in general, I'm not into, like I think if you are such a person who can have like a loving romantic relationship and then something goes awry and then you can turn around and say nasty things about them, that's not somebody who I want to be involved with.

Absolutely. And say me the same with women. Women do it too. Yeah, very true. You're like talking about your crazy actor, whatever you say. Like he was an asshole, he was a jerk. Like I just think, especially the first dates, or you start dating someone like, no, I need to like, a dredge of the past. Okay, so what do you wish was on this list?

That wasn't. Anything come up. I find I think, girl, guys do the girls hate, hate so strong. There's so many. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think. Okay, I don't like when guys say, well, this is a personal thing,

but when they pretend that they're not, I think there's this whole casual, playing at cool things. So how about this one guy's like, oh, I didn't check you out on Facebook or I didn't listen. I have this whole thing where they like, oh, you have a podcast, I didn't listen to out on Facebook or I didn't listen I have this whole thing where they like oh you have a podcast I didn't listen to it but then they say things where I know that they listened or they have done a deep dive Maybe but they pretend they don't know anything or they don't care does this happen to you if you yeah So I've definitely had people who've like revealed later on that they like checked out my youtuber checked out my social media

But tried to play it cool like just be honest with what you're doing And I think that goes across the board like from the outset. Like be honest, if you've like snoop somebody, but also be honest like if you're into somebody, guys try to play it cool, like right off the bat be like, oh I'm not really that interested.

Who talk about that, that's like the game playing. Yeah, I am not a game player at all. And that really just like rubs me the wrong way. Like the second I feel like you're starting to play games like Nautios. Exactly. Do you feel like, okay, so I'm sure are your friends single dating kind of everything

or sport? Yeah. Some sure you talk your real friends about. Go my ex. Yeah. So I feel like there's this whole two, also because everything is texting now, right? And so I feel like there's this whole,

even this is just the basic game is but don't double text Wayne is long have you heard of the weight? Yeah, you have to wait longer no double texting I heard one when I was dating Last year that you shouldn't have a date like especially in the beginning on Fridays or Saturdays because those are like prime nights and you're gonna indicate that you're too into the person or whatever So dates have to be on Sunday nights or Tuesday nights. No, I work. I work. I'm sorry. Like I'm not having a date with you on a Sunday night. Exactly. You can meet me on the week I want to have free time. Thank you very much.

Right. I don't know. Yeah. So I feel like I just feel like it's, I mean there's games been around since the beginning time, but I think that if you're with someone you're honest and you're yourself and you're with somebody and you know they think it just saves you a lot of time. I think it makes us crazy all these like it also with texting No one's really talking so then there's all the stuff that's happening that we're not even understanding what the other person saying and we jump to Conclusions so and they're not always helpful I've done a lot about talking about dating apps in the show because I kind of feel like you can't go any or that people bringing them up If you're single no matter what if you've been in a relationship for a while and you've just broken up with someone, you're like, what the hell is going on?

I don't know how to use these apps. If you've been married, maybe divorced, I have people who are like in their 40s, 30s, 20s, like 50s, everyone's using apps. And I just think that this interesting piece came out that talks about it, but it also gets into like relationships around sex and communication and all that stuff. So I wanted to talk to you about this. So this is our sex and news It's how dating apps have changed modern relationships. So

Sometimes it's hard to remember how single people met each other before dating apps like Tinder Did we just go out to bars? Just bang our friends and we accidentally lingered too long at the house party that maybe laugh because I'm like Yeah, that actually used to happen. I try to think back to, you know, I'm just starting to do the dating apps. I think back to it, like it was all friends parties. If you went to a party, you were committed to that, you were at that party for the night,

you'd meet your friends, friends of friends, and waiting a lot of the apps do that because they show you your mutual friends and stuff. So that's one reason why it's a change-o because we go to a party, you might hook up at somebody, but now a lot of us are swiping and we're on apps. So this says that the trend is, we aren't really looking to date per se. So asking for a little help, finding a partner is hardly new.

We're with Patty Stanger of the Millionaire Match Baker Fain B if we didn't need expert advice. And I think this is interesting. What Tinder changed, racking up 1.4 billion swipes a day more than any other platform, like literally any other platform, was that it never actually said it was a dating app. So that's really smart marketing. It's like, it killed the stigma of online dating,

but not being about online dating. What are you doing with that? No, I mean, I think that's really interesting, right? Because for our parents' generation, online dating is such like, you don't have any other options. You've exhausted all of your options. I have to go online.

Yeah, exactly. And so Tinder was that first sort of like, oh, I can just look at other people and it made it so much more simple and you didn't have to fill out like the online form and all that kind of stuff. And so I think in a way, it sort of like circumvented all of that stigma. Now, I think it has its own stigma with the whole hook-up culture and the whole hook-up

aspect of it. But I do think that this is, you know, spot-on, that it didn't, it was able to sort of like destigmatize sort of online dating apps by just, like, simplifying it. Simple, like you by just simplifying it. Like simple, like you can just talk to her, you are, you just keep going, going, going. And I think the other thing is it says that women can be adventurous in any way she chooses. So since it wasn't called a dating app

and you don't have to say I'm looking for a relationship, you can just be like, I wanna meet someone that you might figure out that you wanna have a lesbian affair or like have a three-son or have, you know, maybe you wanna just friends. Or like you don't wanna meet anybody. I mean, you think for every woman who's gone on these dating apps, I think it is the best confidence

boost in the world, and it's fun, and it's a game, and you can just talk with other people. Even if you don't want to meet up with them, I think that for a lot of people, that's an option, and I dig it. Did you ever, you did the apps for a long time? Yeah, so when Tinder first came on the scene, I tried it. And that was very overwhelming, very, very quick.

Tinder's like, that's a mind-fuel, right? And then, as I got older and more apps became available, I used a bumble and then I think came before they went under the change. Where'd you go? I think you have to pay for it now or something. I actually have no idea. Yeah, I did it for like a minute.

Yeah, yeah. So, Bumble, I think, was the one that I used most frequently. When I was on the daily scene. When I was on the daily scene. But it can be overwhelming, but it also says, here, so it's very efficient. So, but you can also be, because if it is an uppers gaming dating, is a numbers game. In the sense of you want to be out more, is a numbers gaming dating is a numbers game. In the sense of you want to be out more, you're ready to meet people. Even if you don't want to be

on an app, then that's fine, but still put yourself out there. Like put yourself out there a few times a week say yes to invites. I would say like, you know, the eels invite you to get on Facebook. They might not go to, like, I wouldn't go to that. But then, you're thinking, well, I'm single, I'm not meeting anybody. You could, that's a numbers game as well. You go to party, you can meet a lot of people. But when you're on these apps, you're like, I could just keep swiping and swiping. So in a way, it's efficient, but also,

it becomes like an addiction to novelty without substance. So you keep wanting to get these matches and matches and you're like, well, there's, I keep matching people and you get that serotonin rush that don't put me in high and you're like, oh, I don't really need to like, settle down. So kind of, yeah, I mean, I think it's too fold. I think that there is the component of it

that people who are using these dating apps actually are in more committed relationships than people who refuse to use dating apps, which is really interesting. And then I think the other component of it is something that Aziz on Sorry talked about in his book Modern Romance, which I loved such a bunch.

Yeah, and so he said, like people are constantly looking for that bigger better, right? You're constantly looking, okay, like I'm happy with this person, but is there something better online? Is there somebody who's taller, smarter, hotter, whatever it may be, whatever you're looking for? And so I think it's a double edged sword.

I do too. I do too. I think like, and it's funny though, because I've never even before apps coming to, and I feel like that was always an LA thing, but I think it's a double edged sword. I do too. I think like, and it's funny though, because I've never even before apps coming to, and I feel like that was always an LA thing, but I think it's everywhere, the bigger, better deal. And I remember coming here like 10 years ago for work and I was like, oh yeah, everyone's looking for the bigger, better deal in LA.

I think that's, you know, maybe that's everywhere, but also with the apps, there truly is. You can open a date. That was a good date, but there's 30 more people I can match with. Yeah, I mean, I didn't meet the guy that I'm currently seeing on a dating app, but when I was doing the dating apps, if I, match with. Yeah, I mean, I didn't meet the guy that I'm currently seeing on a dating app, but when

I was doing the dating apps, what I started doing, which I think really helped me be more present with my dates, is that once I like swipes and I was connecting with somebody and we were going to plan to go on a date, I stopped going on the app until it dissipated. That's good. Yeah, because then you're not talking with other people and it's distracting. Like you want to be present with that person, right? And then if that doesn't work out, then you can go back on, but you don't want to have it not work out because you're like, oh, maybe this will work out with this guy or this girl or whatever it may be, right? Because you're like, there's no like end game you got to think about like what do you want? And I understand also the dating through the process of dating

You do kind of learn what you like and what you want and what you don't want. But then also eventually I think time to like maybe try being in a relationship. And maybe that's not happening as much because if we're not really prioritizing it, we're not really just enjoying the dates, I don't know, like what are your friends saying? Yeah, I mean, I think people, I think people who just say like, oh, they just want to go on dates and just meet people, I think they're lying, frankly. I don't have time to like, I think everybody really wants to actually meet somebody who they connect with.

Right. I think that, I mean, we can say that we want a date and we just want to have fun. But at the end of the day, we don't want to be in, you know, bet alone or alone, you know, go into the grocery store, whatever it may be. We want that partnership and we want that feeling of connection. And so I think that's at the core of especially people who are so overzealously claiming that they are only in it to... Just have fun.

Right, there's not that fun. I don't want to say my life story. It's not fun. You just Google it, right. I know don't listen to my podcast, but you can Google my life story. You know what's fun is watching Netflix on my couch. Like that's what going on dating dating is not fun, but having somebody sit next to you and watch Netflix on my couch, that's perfect.

Exactly what I want. It's so funny when I think about it, we broke up a while ago, like a year and a half, no a year and a half, and I haven't really, I just started dating again, like a few months ago. It was because I was like home devastated. I mean, he's awesome. It was, it was an interesting breakup, but I mean, that that like a horrible breakup. But I usually it was always dating. And I said, I'm going to take some time and actually did what I always advise people to do, which is after a breakup, take time to figure out what you want and prioritize and like just take

some time for yourself. And I realized when I think back in our relationship, we did a lot of great things. I'm like, I just want someone I can sit and watch TV with. And I know that's something we did other fun things but I love coddling on the couch. I mean, who doesn't? Right? That's a shame to that at all. Okay, so, and then I have in date, I was going to say like, I've been dating but I do find it a little overwhelming but I've been talking about this a lot on the show and I'm

sorry you guys, I'll be in a relationship soon and I'll talk about that perhaps. Do you, girl? I am doing me. Like I'm not, again, I think it'd be nice to find someone but I don't put that pressure on myself either. So, I think I was always nice to find someone, but I don't put that pressure on myself either. So, I think I was always in relationships, so now it's a really interesting time, and I just think, but I think the date I'm just sort of obsessed with the dating apps thing, because I feel like people who are single and are confused by it, and they don't want

to do it, it's kind of like saying, I want to lose weight, and I'm meeting out there, and I'm doing all these things, but you won't exercise. You won't go to the gym. I almost feel like this is this missing component of, like, you should just try it. Like, go on an app. You won't go to the gym. I almost feel like this is this missing component of like, you should just try it, like go on an app. You don't have to do everything on the app, but you still go out, but why not try it? So 100% and give it in people asking about all time. And then also the last point of this was the sex interview.

So what they said was during this match, match at comms as their singles in America survey, that a lot of young people now don't want to spend time going out with somebody unless they get to know them physically first. You can learn a lot about people between the sheets, are they kind, can they listen, do they have a sense of humor, millennials are using sex as an interview tool, and even a courtship tool to jump, start the relationship. Have you found that I know that this is not me?

Yeah, I'm like, I'm very old school when it comes to this. I want to build up the relationship. I want that emotional connection, the talking, all of that stuff before I even get close to the sexual component of the relationship. But I feel like, right, okay, and I'm the same way. But these girls, like Jamie, who works with me, she says, you know, she's like 23

and she's like, I'm way more comfortable just having sex with a guy that I'm talking on. Like I think I'd rather get to know that for that feels comfortable and then I'm more comfortable talking. So I'm just she's like, I'm way more comfortable just having sex with a guy than even talking to him. Like I think I'd rather get to know that, that feels comfortable and then I'm more comfortable talking. So I'm just wondering like, oh, so you're like this, this millennial and this study. Yeah, I mean, I definitely know people who want to, like what's the phrase, like do a test run with the car

before they buy it or what, you know, try the milk before they buy the coffee. I don't know, there's like some weird, there's got some weird analogy. I think I'm first thinking of it. I think I'm first thinking of the milk. I get it right. Why buy the coffee, get the milk before they buy the car. I don't know. There's like some weird, there's got some weird analogy. I think I'm mixing it. I think I'm mixing it. I get it right. Why buy the car if you get the milk for free?

And then test drive the car before you buy it. Yeah, I mean, I know there's people like that. And there's guys like that too. I've come across like when I was dating and I move like very slow in that sphere. And I remember a guy telling me, it's like, well, don't we think, don't you think that we could like connect more

and like move to like the next part of relationship if we do have sex first? And I'm like, not for me. But thanks for watching that. But you can do that with somebody else. You're more than welcome to. I'll see you later. Right, exactly.

You're like, I'm out. It's true, right, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's people who think that. Absolutely. And not judging, but I also think that, you know, no judgment how people get along. I mean, that works for you,

because you're like, I want to feel comfortable, because it is true. I think before you're making like a really serious commitment to someone you want, I have an idea, like how it feels to go for a ride on that pony. Yeah. On that cow. Ride that pony, that's what makes it happen.

You want to see if it works? And like, is there chemistry and all that? Because that's like a really, you know, that's a really big thing, but take it at your own pace, and don't be pressured into sex, and pressured into something because you feel like you should check that box.

And I also think that that could almost sometimes mess up your sex life a little bit because if you're looking for chemistry and if you're looking for whatever you're looking for in a sexual relationship, I think some of that builds up with the emotional connection. It does. And when you're talking about what you enjoy and things like that and a lot of that comes with like

comfort and like building a foundation that is sort of like intrinsic in having a more like I don't want to say meaningful but a more like well-rounded relationship. Absolutely. No, that that is absolutely true. That it does it does matter because I think also for women, especially for women, that the more safe and comfortable we feel as someone, and the more that we feel like we know them, and that we can trust them, like the better sex we're going to have, and that happens over time. I don't know, maybe I've had, I don't know. One night stands, if you really stop and think about it, they're great stories.

Maybe it was fun, but, you know, I was like, I was drunk, I don't remember, and it's like a great story, but was it not the best sexer life? Typically, from like a quickie or something, or a quickie with, or a, more than I'd say it, or a quickie one night sound. Quickies have to exist in the world, but typically those aren't the best either. I think, the time to warm up,

like I'd like to think with the quickie sex is that it's exciting, it's funny, but you're not, I don't know, for me, I'm not gonna have an orgasm, like in six minutes, but it's fun, we can check the sex off the list. I'm not saying that's the alcohol for two hours, but you understand what I'm saying. Okay, so that's what we're gonna do, sex in the news,

anything, any other final words about that. I'm trying to think I've been, if you have anything final, but I just think that you guys, I think it's interesting what's happening right now and I understand it's overwhelming. I do think that stigma of the hook-up apps is there, but I never really understood it

because if you could say no hookups, that could work, but no one's got to go on your head. No one's gonna make you hook up with them. It's like, I never found that guy. I was like, oh, I thought you came on a date with me. We have to hook up. So I just don't want people to feel that pressure and think like, I'm not gonna do it

because it just means that you're thinking I'm gonna hook up because that's the only choice. Yeah, I mean, you do have a choice. I have a choice. Obviously, with dating apps and meeting strange people, you should be careful and do your due diligence on who, I mean, I think that's important too, do your due diligence, which is also available

with the internet and things like that. But just like how we have so many options with the news sites that we look at or where we buy our clothes online or whatever. Like dating is just sort of within that. And so I think we are getting more comfortable with it. I think the stigma is going away. I mean, there's so many marriages now

when people who have met online, that it's absurd. Yeah, it's absurd. So, you know, my as well, my as well, it's going to party. So true, and I've also heard that like three out of five married, this is gonna be dark, sorry, but they end because of Facebook.

Like I feel like people cheating. People find that their partner is, I was gonna say get off Facebook and get on the apps and see that's what you're just gonna do. Don't go after someone else's wife or husband, but I've been just hearing these things about like old high school boyfriends coming back and that relationships are ending is that and I've actually hearing it in real life.

Yeah, I mean, that's the things like with these sort of apps and like when you're looking for the bigger better or with Facebook or whatever it may be, there's always like somebody on the back burner, whether it be like an old flame or if somebody that you're sort of like looking onto to see what's next, I forget what it's called. Oh, I think it's called like a cushion.

That's the new term. That makes sense. Yeah, it's like you have like a cushion. So if you're starting to feel like you are, you know, it's getting rocky with your significant other, people will get themselves like a cushion person to cushion the blow when they break up and they have somebody on the back burner.

It's like your safety score or something. We're a person. Be a person. Be a relationship, exactly. That's one way to not be present. I could see that. I could see that. Just you guys, if you're in a relationship,

that's a thing. So when you have like one foot in, Just you guys, if you're in a relationship like be in it, that's a thing. So many people have like one foot in one foot out. If you're going to spend like be efficient, be an efficient data. If you're in it, like, speed it. What's that like to be completely present with the person you've chosen to date right now without swiping without checking out your ex from my school and Facebook? See how that goes. Try that out. Okay, Hannah, you're awesome. Hannah Cranson, we are going to give a shout out to our sponsors now. And then we're going to get on some emails. I get a lot of emails from my listeners. I would love your help answering the questions and thank you everyone for supporting my sponsors.

I love them and thank you. I hope you do too. We'll be right back. Okay, emails. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing and there are so many ways now you can ask me the questions. Get this guys. You can text me your question. Text Ask Emily all one word to 7979. That's Ask Emily, ASK, EMILY, your normal message and data rates apply.

You can also submit a question from the sexwithelm.com website. Just via the Ask Emily tab and do that. You can also leave me a voicemail. You guys, your voicemail's haven't been that great. So if you wanna leave me, no, it's true. I'm gonna start leaving you voicemail. I'm gonna call you like two in the morning. When I have a sex question that I need answered ASAP.

You have a person like me. Yeah, anytime, my friends, I do that. They know when you're like, you're. Anytime. My friends, I do that. They know when you're like, you're always talking to your friends, giving advice. This is now my personal email. Sorry, Hannah's going to get that. But you guys, leave me a voicemail 818, ask SW1. And at the beginning, we started this last year.

And people were like, they were so great. I'll take you there was like a minute or two. And now they're just, what are they like? Sex? I don't know what they are. I'm not listening. But they're very long. You can even draft it out first and ask the question, but you can be succinct and ask

the question and we will read that. No heavy breathing because we'll just delete it. Oh, also, I got to talk to you one thing. I'd like to remember. Include your gender, your age where you live and how you listen to the show. All those things are very important, especially your age. You can always change your name and cool with that. We need to know age.

It matters. Dick picks. I want to talk about dick picks. So I was just thinking of you having breathing? Yeah. I feel like we don't want them. We don't need them, and I get them. I was watching another one of your think-tank videos on YouTube about like, you were joking around, but you're like, I got them.

But why, why are we getting them? We like your penises like in person, but I'm not saying you're ever going, oh, I wish I would get dick pic right now. Like, this has never happened. It's said no girl ever. It's said no girl ever. Yeah, I mean the thing is,

I think it's like a power thing, right? When guys send it to you the DMs and they're sort of like exposing themselves to you without your like consent essentially and you're just sort of like open a DM and you're just like, oh shit. Right. And it's not, we don't like it.

You may have a very lovely penis and your lady or male or whomever may appreciate it and that's fantastic. But, well, we don't really need to see it. Look at the, Dick and the Wild is showing up when you're like, oh, you know, look at this nice guy's asking me questions, I was mirrored, oh, and then there's a dick pick in the next one. We don't want that, but it's funny

because my friend was in town this weekend from Chicago. She's visiting me and she's married. Has three kids. It was like a getaway weekend. So fun. And she, you know, I was doing my snaps and going through stuff and a dick pick came in.

And I deleted it. What are you doing? I'm like, oh, that was a dick. I saw that. That was it. I'm like, I just delete it. She's like, oh, my God. I can't believe in another one. She's like, oh my God, I can't believe it.

And then another one, she's like, let's go look for dick pics. And so it was just amazing to her that that's like part of my job. I'm like, well, I don't have to delete all of them. My staff gets a lot of them. Sorry guys, but also it's just, I think, so that was very funny thing. And also I will block you if you send me dick pics.

So I'm encouraging it. But I think that's the end game. Like sometimes I get some like, hey, like check this out or like, hey, I live in this state. Like do you think I'm gonna see your like disbodied, like doesn't body penis and just be like, you know what? Forget this life.

I'm moving to Oklahoma. We're gonna have a family together and this is gonna be happily ever after. Like that's not gonna happen. And by the way, I'm playing ticket now. I'm out the door. Bye mom. Yeah, it's really not gonna happen.

I feel like for a lot of guys, it's like they love, they're so excited. They kind of like a cat or something who brings in like a dead mouse. And they're like, oh, and they come in, if you have a cat and they're like, look at my mouse, look at my mouse. I'm so excited that I killed it.

And you're like, oh yeah, like, that's great. I think men are like, it's my penis great. It's so great. I love it. Do you love it? Yeah, but I have a feeling that the guys who are sending DMs or snaps of like peanut maybe snaps is different, but like DMs like I am not convinced that they are sending pictures

of their own penis every single time. Oh, because I've never seen like a, you know, an average length penis like set. They're always like absurd. Right. You know what I mean? I was just getting them from porn or something. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's a good point.

I don't investigate them that carefully, but you're right, they're never like... I'm not, you know. I get what you're saying. You can tell if it's a different kind of penis. I can't, they're sending like, they're plagiarizing. What is it called? I guess they're plagiarizing the people's dick pics.

Okay, whatever it is. Don't steal dick pics. Don't send your own dick pic. Okay, let's get into emails. Now let me cover that really important subject. And women, you should not send pictures of either, even if they're solicited ever. I never have, especially with your face.

I think if you wanna send a picture, and it's like consensual, and somebody's asking, and you're down for it, and you're old enough to not feel like pressure to do what you will, but I feel like don't do it unsolicited. Don't do it unsolicited, but even, okay, so this is a whole other topic, which I won't get into,

but I think even if you're in a relationship or casually dating someone that's like this currency, if a guy asks, women, like I should send it, but I just want you to know that the second he gets, he's gonna turn to whoever's next woman and show it. Guys, they do that. Yeah, no, I mean there, I've been that person, I'm like, I don't need to see that.

Yeah, I think that that is a risk that you should be willing to deal with if. Right, if, to just be cool with that. Just know that if you send it and it's empowering and you love your body and that's, you could send it, but just know that it's not private. Right, yeah, it's an, haven't heard about that. Okay, would you, you know, we also know what happened

with the, what was it, the eye cloud and all that stuff. So, be careful. The fapening. Fapening, would you, you know, we also know what happened with the, uh, what was it? The eye cloud and all that stuff. So the fapeting. Fapeting, thank you. Hi, Emily. I'm not crazy about sleepovers and I definitely don't like it when a man cartels up to me while I'm trying to sleep. When a guy does sleepover and explain how I don't enjoy cartelling, they think I'm kidding and do it anyways.

How can I get across? I don't want to be touched when I sleep. Better yet, how can I get the guy I'm dating, not seriously, to leave when we are already laying in bed together and it's the middle of the night? I don't want it to come off as I'm just in for the sex. I just don't do sleepovers. Julia, 22, Florida. So, I'm not a big sleepover fan, either. Yeah, so I totally get this.

And I think it's really honestly about having that sort of like open communication. Like with the guy I'm seeing, we talk openly about like, I just don't sleep as well when there's somebody else in my bed. There's nothing wrong with that. That's nothing against him.

That's nothing about me. It's just like, I really, I like you. But I also really like so. That's a thing. Do you tell us and you guys not to sleep over? So just on the moon? Everyone's in the wall. Yeah, just on the weekends. I don't the wall. Yeah, just on the weekends.

I don't school nights. Right. You have to switch up the night or stop over. Yeah. And like I forgot my shoes. You got to run back and forth. But I feel like sleep issues has become a whole thing. Because I don't feel like sleep issues.

They've gotten so much worse that people just really are so tight. Like, need their beds, need their... I feel like I didn't... I never heard questions like this before. And I think like we're not sleeping. I think we're drinking too much coffee. We've too much anxiety, too much stress. Yeah, that's a possibility too. And I think with like the cuddling thing,

because I used to hate cuddling, it was so not my thing. I felt like it was like stifling. I felt like it was holding me down. But I've found that with the right person that you start to like it. Yeah, so like with the guy, like I never really liked cuddling,

I didn't like being held. I didn't really like any sort of like a lot of physical affection, but then with him, like we are so absurdly like a physically affection with each other and like Cuddling. And it was, and it was okay. And it was like natural for both of us and I like it now. So I think it's like a person thing. It could be a country thing, a comfort thing.

Maybe like you'll save with them and you feel, because it's an intimacy thing. So Julia, so when you're cuddling, that is a very intimate act. I mean, you're having sex with them, but also cuddling is like you feel a connection to them and you feel safe and you wanna be with them. It sounds like, you said this guy's not very serious

and you want him to leave. There's nothing wrong with that and also not wanting to cuddle or to sleepovers is if that's where you're at right now, but I just think you gotta be honest and just say, don't listen. This is so fun, I love having sex with you. I'm not, to cuddle or just sleepovers. Is if that's where you're at right now, but I just think you gotta be honest and just say to them, listen, this is so fun. I love having sex with you. I'm not, I really need like,

it's just hard for me to sleep with other people in the bed. This has been fun. I like you. I don't want you to think about it any other way. I just like really need my sleep. I gotta get up early and you know, I'm super psyched to hang out with you in a good time. I haven't got me.

Let them know ahead of time. So, you know, they're not like taking it back and you're not like kicking them out. You need to let them know this is amazing or tell them that it didn't hurt. Like, I got an early date tomorrow. That's what it says. I think you should be up front, like, especially as a woman, we're so concerned that our needs are so like absurd or so, you know, excessive and we're going to help need ease.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with having your needs and communicating that. I think that's actually really important and being okay and not thinking that you're needy and saying, these are totally acceptable. I just, I'm aware of what I need from a relationship and if you can't fit that, then I'll see you later. I think that's a great point. I mean, Julia, 22, I think it's, I love that. I think it's great practice for you as well

because Hannah, I love that point. I think that we're so not comfortable communicating and we put them on the back burner. We think like we wanna be liked, we're gonna be judged because we are often told that we're like excessive and we put them in the back burner. We think like we want to be liked, we're going to be judged because we are often told that we're like excessive and we're extreme. And so I think that when it comes to relationships and sex, which is mostly, we talk about on the show as we give people permission to ask for what they want and to be okay with it, to feel comfortable that it's, it's, it's what's practice because we're not taught how

to do this. So Julia, the sooner that you just start saying, Hey, listen, like I want you to do this like with the guy that you're sleeping with tonight, Julia. I just be like, hey, so, or this weekend. So this was fun. I want you to know that you just, and don't explain it. Just be like, I have a hard time saving other people

in the bed. This is really fun, but you're going to have to leave in the morning. Done. Stop talking. Stayed it. And it's going to get more comfortable. Not only in your relationship, but in everything else you do.

And no apologies. Remember we talked about that when I saw you. Yeah, no apologies. Don't say I'm sorry. Don't say I'm sorry. So it's funny. So I'm remembering when I saw you on the show, on your show, I try and I say that around here too. I was like, you guys just women just automatically say I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I really try not to, although I still do it, but at least I'm more conscious that I do it. And I think that men are going, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, because we're always apologizing because we think we're too much taking too much space. I just think it's a good practice for women to just, and I know that men are going, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, because we're always apologizing because we think we're too much, taking too much space.

I just think it's a good practice for women. And I know that I probably didn't six times, say, perhaps, but I'm working on it. And there was one more thing you told me not to do. Yeah, go ahead. No, don't say just. Just. Yeah, I just think I just wanted, that sort of like, I guess,

I don't know what the right word, but I essentially is saying that you don't think that what you have to say is worthy of asserting it in a more powerful way. Exactly. It's like already taking a few notches down, like I'm just asking because I wanted to see if it's okay, no, no, just no, sorry.

I could end the show now because those are two really good examples, but I'm not gonna go ahead. I'm not gonna end it, but think about that. And for guys too, if you're saying I'm sorry. Hey Emily, I recently dove deep into online dating and I'm having a blast. In the past, I have been pretty reserved about my sexual partners, but now I'm ready to try some new things and not be such a prude. I recently met a guy and hooked up with him after three hours of meeting in two glasses of wine.

Before I knew it, he was going down to me, which was great. But when it came to my turn to go down in him, I got nervous. I'm super paranoid about STDs. So when it comes to doing the deed, I always use a condom, but it feels awkward to use when doing a blowjob. So my questions are, is there any way to bring up STDs to a guy you just met without completely killing the mood or condoms necessary in general? What am I risking not using one for a blowjob? If I go down on a guy without a condom, have I already exposed myself to whatever he might be carrying to negate condom use for sex? Natalie 29. Why? Okay, Natalie, you do gotta bring this up because talking about safe sex, I think, is so important. And again, something that you

gotta practice. It's not easy. None of us want to talk about it. I get it. We're in the mood and it can be a buzzkill. So I think that you got to bring it up when you, not on the first date, but when you know things are going to get, like, you know, could happen that night or you're going to go, this is one date. Always have it. Get it hot and heavy.

Heavy padding. So I'm always says, heavy, could you guys have you padding in the back seat? So I think that, be prepared, I guess, bring your own condoms, which is great. I love skin condoms. They're amazing. And. Yeah, I mean, seat. So I think that be prepared, I guess, for your own condoms, which is great. I love skin condoms. They're amazing. And you know, here's what I think.

So like, whenever you want to have sex, I am all for it, right? Like as long as it's consensual and you feel like in a great mood, like do your thing girl. But you're also about like about to let a person inside of your body or put their body part inside of your mouth.

So, if you are not comfortable enough to talk about whether they have a sexually transmitted disease, I don't think you should be comfortable enough to let their body part inside of you wherever you put it. Right. Absolutely. That's a great... That's my day. So, right. So, how have you done in the past? When do you bring it up? I bring it up before we have sex. I have never had a sexual relation with a man

without asking about his STI history and sexual history before. And then does he, if he's like, no, I'm clean, do you trust him and then go without a condom? No. Have you always used condoms? Pretty much. Yeah, I have pretty much always used condoms.

That's good, yeah. I think they respect, maybe guys are hoping you're not gonna ask, but you have to, like, really, if they don't ask, it's not because it's probably because you guys are going to feel better without that, that it doesn't matter. Like, how does it feel with an STD? So if you can't tell by looking and you can do your best and ask about the history and what you could get is, here's the other thing you guys, I don't want to bring it down, but you can't get STD these from a blowjob

Mm-hmm. You can't and from oral sex you can get like a tree bee chlamydia gonorrhea So you want to protect yourself. I get the dental dams and condoms during blow jobs don't sound fun I don't think that a lot of people do that But you could you could wrap a dental dam around it or a condom But I I get that you you know, I don't know anyone who really does that to be honest But that is the I hope if you are you know, I don't know anyone who really does that to be honest. But that is the thing. I hope if you are really that concerned about it, then you absolutely should, but definitely definitely during intercourse.

And know if you give them a blowjob, it's out of connoble. It doesn't mean that you should all be safe now because whatever you're going to get from the blowjob, you're not going to get from intercourse, it's not true. So you can still like, there's more of it inside of you, there's more things that can happen than just contracting through your mouth. So just use connobs, just bring them with you and ask it. I'm telling you the guys there, he's with you, he wants sex with you, and if he's, guess what, if he's turned off by the fact that you brought it up, his history and using condoms,

he's not the guy for you. Right. And also, like, if you think about like a guy, if he has the choice, whether to like have sex or get ahead with a condom versus not at all. I think they're probably going to choose the former. Exactly. Yeah, the guys love the head. They love the head of Swiss Spring. Okay, great. So thank you Natalie.

Okay, dear Emily, my wife and I have been married for over 15 years. We didn't talk about sex as in not even saying the word sex. That is until I was ready to leave the relationship. I guess we both figured we had nothing to lose at that point. Once we actually talked about it, I discovered that my wife felt like I bullied her into having sex every time we did it for about 10 years. Needless to say, she doesn't enjoy it. However, we both want to stay in the relationship. I'm a little mad at her for not speaking up, although in her defense, I probably wouldn't have listened. But I'm also furious with myself for being so selfish her for not speaking up, although in her defense, I probably wouldn't have listened.

But I'm also furious with myself for being so selfish and for not picking up on the signs, which seems so obvious in hindsight. I wanted to have a good healthy view of sex again. And of our relationship in general, how do I even begin? Thanks, Jay, 38, Texas. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's a tough one. I think women have this like really messed up view of sex because we're told for so long That we're like not supposed to enjoy and if we do we're a slut and all these like silly things

And so that when you get in a relationship and you get married or whatever Then all of a sudden you're supposed to be obsessed with it And so it's like you get so many mixed messages before and then you're supposed to turn around and have a completely different viewpoint. So you're obviously gonna have some complexes about sex and I think it's really important to have that open communication and be listening to sex with Emily so that you can learn how to have those conversations

and figure out what works for her and how you can feel like you're having sex and everybody's super excited about it. Exactly. That is interesting about how we're brought up that we have to always like it and then we don't and we're so confused about sex. And my thing is that we just, here's the thing, Jay, is that we are not taught to prioritize sex and relationships.

It's something that I talk a lot about in this show is that we talk about everything else with our partners. We talk about buying a house together and we raise children and what religion should we raise them? And what color couch should we get? But sex is something that he did not utter for 15 years in his relationship because we don't know how. Just like we don't know how to talk about SDDs.

And so I'm just saying like, you gotta start talking about it early on right away. It's never, ever too soon to talk about it. But what I love about this email, J, is I just want to thank you because a lot of people can probably really, they'll really benefit from your story because I think they can relate to sex kind of going, you know, just falling by the way side of 15 years. But what I love about you, J, is that he was able to see his part in it. And I saw your internal struggle, because you're like, I'm mad at her for not telling me, but

yet I feel like, you know, I feel bad that I bullied her and I probably wouldn't have listened anyway. So that was a very mature statement, Jay. So like, I love that. And I understand that you feel selfish and how you let it happen, but you're so not alone because it's very rare and very remarkable that you've come to this place.

So now it's all about repair. Because there's been a lot of stuff that, you know, I wanna say, there's been some damage that's been done and it's hard to pick up and say, okay, we talked about sex, you know, let's start having sex again. I just love that you guys are talking about it and the reason why a lot of couples stop having sex

is because, well, for a million reasons, they don't talk about it, but also resentments build up. So it sounds like she, you know, it could be something from years ago, it could be not even just one thing, but maybe she felt bullied and then she told you and then you like did it could be something from years ago. It could be not even just one thing, but maybe she felt bullied. And then she told you and then you like did it again

and then she just, like, I'm just gonna avoid it because you're saying let's have sex tonight. Why are you on your phone the whole time? You don't wanna sex with me. I mean, I don't know how you bullied her. I'm sure it was like a verbal bullying and it made her feel bad about herself. And so there's other issues at play

when people stop having sex, typically it's because it's a symptom of something else. So it's not just like the sex was horrible. It's like maybe she, you guys have kids and she was, you know, stressed out and who knows what. But I just want you guys aren't going to you'll snap your fingers and you're going to start having this mad, passionate sex again.

I'm just telling you like, I'm telling you how it is. But I think it's important for you guys to go back and remember the connections that you had at the beginning because we all love that honeymoon phase Like that early part when things were so amazing and it's really hard to get you're never gonna get back to those first six months It's a 12 year to 12 years to two years because that's kind of biology speaking But you can't get back to Getting to know each other again like I would say to you Jay take sex off the table for like a month

The two of you I know that seems like crazy, but you've been having not a lot of sex the last 15 years anyway. And you can start to kind of get to know each other again. If you take sex off, and I think this works for a lot of couples when sex becomes a problem, but especially for you guys, start kissing, start the four plays, start doing massages,

and exploring what other rodent zones are. Your kids, you're just sort of not kids, but you're newlyweds, or you're just starting to explore again, because you can channel that excitement again. You know that having, I'm telling you, you can't have sex, so it's like the forbidden. So now you got to focus on her breasts, and you got to focus on different rodent zones. Maybe you didn't know that her left nibble was more sensitive than her right nibble. So just slow down, take the pressure of sex off, go back to kissing, like kissing

the first thing. Dating. Like taking romantic date night and try to connect and communicate and start the communication that's not around sex first, and then that'll slowly lead to something that's more physical. But she needs to feel connected to you emotionally first, I think more physically, and then feel like she can open up about talking about what works for her and what doesn't work for her. Right. No, I think that's a great, that's a, all these things matter. Dating, getting out of the house, taking vacations, vacation sex is great, like taking time away.

Yeah. Maybe go on dates, special dates, once a week, and don't have sex. That's, start to bring it. Now, if you guys can't get past this stuff, Jay, like, because 15 years is a long time for these resentments to build, you might need some therapy. Nothing wrong with that. I think every couple in a long-term relationship need a little therapy. You need someone else to come in and say, hey, you guys have been having the same fight for 10 years. Here's another way to think about it. Boop and they do that. So again, no stigma with therapy. So great advice there. Hannah, thank you, Jay. let me know how it goes. And Jay, I'm glad you guys made it to this point. So it's just going to get better from here.

I promise. Can we have a virgin question? Dear Emily, I'm a 25-year-old virgin. I've been a very sexual person. I enjoy watching porn, and I masturbate regularly, but I have delayed having intercourse until I was with a person who I was comfortable with. I'm crazy in love with my boyfriend, and I know this is the person who I wanna have sex with for the first time.

He knows my personal story, and is very understanding and accommodating. Well, I know my body well in terms of sexual gratification from my solo experience. I really don't know what to expect from a partner. What advice can you give me? Love the podcast, faithfulist, or Lily age 25. Miami.

Lily, I love you. I really was reading this. I'm like, I wanna hug Lily. You're amazing because I'm a cast, Faithfulister, Lily, age 25, Miami. Lily, I love you. I really was reading this. I'm like, I want to hug Lily. You're amazing because I'm sure you're a loyal listener because you took the time to know your own body. And this is what I always tell women. And man, you guys think you know your body. You probably don't as well as you could.

But for women, especially we think someday my principal come and so will I, I'll be with this guy, the organisms are gonna flow, and it doesn't always work that way. So I want to help reframe your question because she's asking, what can I expect from it? And I don't think it's about what to expect from a partner. I think it's more about what do you both want, which is something for you

both to discuss because you have these expectations of having sex for the first time. And you think it's going to be like unicorns and flowers and amazing, like typically not the first time. I don't know anybody who's had that experience for the first time, and you think it's gonna be like unicorns and flowers and amazing, like typically not the first time. I don't know anybody who's had that experience for the first time. Do you remember, like, do you? Yeah, I mean, I think it's like, you know, especially with younger, whatever it may be, you know,

it's awkward. It's awkward, it's awkward. It's not gonna be right. But it's awesome that she's already comfortable with her body. I think that's something that's a huge issue. I want to shoot. Is like when you're not comfortable enough with your own body, and then you're like next to somebody else who's think when you're not comfortable enough with your own body

and then you're like next to somebody else who's naked and they're not comfortable with their body, it's just like, I'm just a disaster. It's like, where do these parts go? I totally got it. And so I think like, use the condom, go slow, go release though. Like, you said you've been very sexual. Do all that stuff.

Like, I don't just jump right into the sex. Talk about it ahead of time about what you, what you guys both want, but it sounds like, you know, he's your boyfriend and you're with him. I mean, I think that you're in a good place because acting what to expect again, expectations are what, well, really hurt us a lot.

We have these expectations that we think it's gonna be amazing or all these things, the fireworks are gonna go off, like I'm gonna tell you right now, it's probably not gonna happen. So really just reframe, like what do you guys both want from it? Make sure you use protection. You have so much, I think you have so much control over that right? Like if you are

comfortable with your body like and you have these quote unquote expectations like show your man what you like or tell him what you like and then you can sort of like have a have a pretty big role in what outcome. Exactly. Exactly. How come? I mean, I love this because I always talk about mutual masturbation. You can just show him. Be like, babe, because he probably doesn't know.

I mean, even if he said sex before, I'm telling you, guys of all ages have no idea. And every woman's body is different. We're like snowflakes. So if you put 100 woman in a room and they're all masturbating, they would all be doing something different. Their fingers would be moving different directions, they might be using inside, outside, loob, no loob, toys, who knows. But it's all different. So there's no way you could know your body for all of us. And but for Lily, so I would

say, show them. If you're in the moment, you're like, Oh, I remember this feels good for masturbation. Like move that way, put his hands where they need to be. It'll be great. That's gonna be a good time. Okay, we've got another question here about porn. Hi Emily, I love your show and I'm actually listening to you now. I'm happily married, we have amazing sex and always have and lots of lube on the nightstand. Back story. I've been masturbating since I was a little girl, I love it and I've always been super

in touch with my body and pleasureing myself. Even married, I make plenty of time for self love. I love porn and watch fairly regularly with and without my partner. During this past year, I've been watching a more dominating genre porn that I ever imagined I'd be attracted to. I've always enjoyed girl and girl, but now all I want to watch is aggressive domination of women. My orgasms are so much stronger and I get super wet when I watch this more taboo porn.

As soon as I have an orgasm, I immediately wanna close my laptop because I feel terrible about what I'm watching. I would never wanna manage these things to mean real life, but I can't help but being turned on by this, is this normal? Why do I love it so much? Thanks for touching on such unique questions

and allowing for a safe space to ask them. Communication is a lubrication. One wish is Ashley. Ashley, Communication is a lubrication. Where wishes Ashley? Ashley, this is a really good question. I think a lot, I talk a lot about fantasies and porn and all the stuff and there's a lot of fantasies that we have are things you watch and porn that we don't actually want to happen in real life. Yeah, I think that's good.

I think that's like the biggest thing for people to remember is that your fantasies don't necessarily mean that that's what she wants to live out in life. So from that article, I mean, from that question, it sounds like she's in a heterosexual relationship, right? So girl-on-girl, I don't know if you necessarily want to live that out in life, but that's not as stigmatized or you don't feel like dirty as watching something that's more like dominating. So I think you can just approach it in the same way. It's just because you don't want to, something turns you on. Doesn't mean you necessarily want to live it out or you should feel like dirty about it. I mean, there's like, there's a lot

of different kinds of porn. You know, there's a lot of different kinds of porn than what different people are in. Right. So like incest porn is really popular. There's clown porn. There's giant test porn. Like I think people who are watching this don't necessarily want to have relations with their mother, right? But there's some like something about it. Some like 40-in-thing or whatever it may be that turns them on. They don't necessarily want to have sex with a giant. Like that's not even a realistic sexual outcome. But the thing is that these, you know, you can't really, you know, decide what turns you on.

And so that's okay to be turned on, what it is, by what you are, and accept yourself. Don't judge yourself just. Right, that's the thing. It's this shame and the skill. But I was here from a lot of men actually, like, oh, I masturbate and then I feel awful after it. And I like shut the laptops.

That's funny to hear, not funny, but interesting. I mean, to hear this Ashley, because I just went into there's a lot of shame that we all hold around sex that we're, you know, come from religion, from childhood, we just feel bad about it. We feel like we respect our partners and are we cheating on them with porn, but I think that actually fantasy,

having a healthy fantasy life is a cornerstone of having really great sex life. It's really important to be able to think sexy thoughts and get yourself in the mood for sex and I love that you're masturbating. So I feel like, you know, this is kind of an extension of the whole like domination thing, like 50 shades of gray, for example. Women loved it. Why?

It's not because they wanted to date Christian gray per se. They didn't want to be in a dungeon and be hurt, but they couldn't like the idea of being taken by a man and a man like less after you so bad that you have to do everything just to have you. It's kind of like that. That hold that, like we want to just be taken, we want to be worshipped and adored and all that. So it's not, this is very common for women to be into this kind of porn ashy, so there's

really nothing wrong with it. It just, it doesn't mean that, you know, necessarily that you, like I said, that you want it. And also, you, if this is something that you're interested in, some kind of like domination, but not necessarily what you're seeing, you can easily like use handcuffs, try a blindfold. You know, watch it with your partner and be like, that was cool. And there's might be some of this that I want to take away. Like, maybe there's part of it that you do want. But if you don't, it doesn't matter either.

It just think it's actually that great that you found some things that really turn you on and that are intensifying your sex life. And we'll also bode well for your regular sex, for your sex life beyond masturbation. It's healthy to have things to pull up. There's a lot of women who are like, I don't know what turns be on.

So I think you're in a good case scenario, Ashley, and totally normal. That's why you love it. You're fine. Keep on going, Ashley. It's awesome. That's what we got time for Hannah. You're awesome.

Thank you so much for having me on the show. This was so fun. I know, it's really fun. Really fun having you here. You're amazing. You're doing great work. Everybody has to check you out all over. Hannah Grandston.

Yeah, it's very simple. Yeah, YouTube. Come say hi on Instagram or Twitter at Hannah Grandston and then on Facebook at Hannah Grandston. Exactly. So I'll be on the site. Check out.ranston and on Facebook at handcranston. Exactly. So I'll be on the site. Check out. We're going to do a little video right now.

Check this all out. Thank you everyone for listening to this show. I love you all. It's been so great. You guys, thanks to all of our new listeners. We've had so many great new listeners hearing from you. It's been amazing. And thank you to my amazing team.

And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamina.com.