Sex With Emily - Turning Off to Get Turned On with Tiffany Shlain

Episode Date: March 10, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by author and filmmaker Tiffany Shlain to talk about her book, 24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day a Week, and why this is important – not just from electronics – but from work, relationships, and whatever other stresses life throws at you.They discuss how taking a break from technology for one day isn’t as hard as it seems, the benefits of truly unplugging and reconnecting with your partner and family, and tips on having your own “tech shabbat” whether you’re single, married, or have kids. Plus, with less time for tech, there’s more time for sex!Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Tiffany, visit http://www.tiffanyshlain.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

technology took away so many boundaries you can work from anywhere you can work in your bedroom you can work from vacation It's like no, no, that's actually not so good. Let's bring those back to the application That's actually the application How we can again yes, yeah, let's have that gym be for sex and sleeping or reading and let's bring some boundaries back And we're gonna feel more joy this whole chapter I wrote in the book about boundaries is that boundaries actually can make you feel free Because if you know when you're working, you know when you're off, and there's no boundaries anymore, and people just text whenever, they email whenever,

and you know, we're affecting so many other people with the way we use technology too. So I talk about the research in the book that when you text someone, when you get interrupted, it takes around 20 minutes to get back into what you were doing. So we text with the band in now and we should just be mindful because what I'm about to communicate to this person is it's so urgent that I'm taking them out of what they're doing.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm joined by author Tiffany Schlein to talk about the importance of taking a day to unplug, not just from electronics, but from work, relationships, and whatever other stresses life throws at you. Tabics include, well, it may seem impossible, taking a break from technology for one day isn't as hard as it seems. The benefits of truly unplugging and reconnecting with your partner and family. With less time for tech, there's more time for sex, and tips on having your own tech shabbat, whether you're single married or of kids. All this and more, thanks for listening. The solutions, bed-rovised, they call them in a bike on me. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Aveline's not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com and we are Sex with Emily on all social media. All right, intentions with Emily. For each show, join me in setting in intention. I'm gonna do it. I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean is like right now when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of the episode. It could be wait, there's no way I can cut off technology for a full day.

I'm curious to see what this is actually like. Well my intention is to show you the importance of taking a break from technology and know that it's not as scary or as impossible as it seems and it actually can truly help you reconnect to yourself and your loved ones. I've been doing it, and I'm telling you, it works. Alright Tiffany Schlein is an Emmy-nominated filmmaker, founder of the Webby Awards. I was actually her first Webby Awards in the late 90s. She's been a speaker at universities, businesses, as well as Ted Women. And her original series, The Future The Future starts here has received over 40 million views. Now she has her book 24-6, The Power of Implugging One Day a Week, and I met Tiffany

over 20 years ago. Our parents actually met on a trip, and they thought that we would like each other, and they were right, and I'm truly in love with all the work she's done. It's a subject we absolutely need to get on top of learn more about and how to deal with technology, social media for today's highly connected world. Okay guys enjoy the show and again I apologize for the audio as this was a Skype interview. I'm so inspired by Utiphanie your book 246 the power of unplugging one day a week. When you first hear about it you know I think that a lot of it's like oh god well that sounds like a great idea but I could never do that. We couldn't. We're all like really addicted to technology. So,

if you could tell me your story about, about just starting, how you knew this would work. Yeah, I mean, I think it's good to mention, well, first of all, you and I go away, didn't you? Yes. We even know each other really long time. I think we probably, first of all, when I was running webby awards,, which was really long time ago. But, I mean, it's been before that. But, I honestly, we have a history. I mean, you're so,

I mean Tiffany, you're such an impressive person. And such a pioneer, we did meet because our parents like match make does. Like they met on a trip somewhere and they're like, oh, I have a daughter in San Francisco. She should meet your daughter and your son because they fixed me up with your brother, like he's a Jewish doctor, you'd like him.

But then we hit it off. We were like in our early 20s. And then you just continued to bring you all these barriers that I've been so impressed in watching your career in San Francisco. And the first thing, yeah, it was the Webby Awards, which was like when the Web was first going, I was like, oh my God, you were just amazing that you pull that together.

They love to me. I loved it since the early days. I just don't love the way it has changed the way people are existing. Around over 10 years ago, I just felt like I was distracted all the time. Like I was never anywhere. I was in a constant state of nowhere. And I had this very dramatic period of a couple days where I lost my father and my husband's and my daughter was born. And it was really, I felt like life was grabbing me by the shoulders and being like, focused on what matters. And I did not like the way I was living. I just didn't feel good. And I, I'm Jewish, I should say that I'm not religious. And you know, my husband and I had done Shabbat dinner is occasionally which are beautiful. Those of you don't know. It's like a weekly meal with family and friends. You like candles.

It's really wonderful. Most Jews I know don't do it. If they do it, they do it dinner. But the real, if you are religious Jew or an observant to, you take a full day off of rest. But of course, I don't really have anyone in my life that did that. But I was part of the group called Reveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveveve and we turned off for one day a week and it felt so good. And they were just doing it in one ceremonial day. But I remember that day, I felt like I got my soul and my presence back and all the skins were off. I felt so good and Ken and I was never stopped doing it.

I mean, it's been over 10 years. Amazing. Every week, Friday night, we have people over for dinner. So it's very such a thing, Friday night. Yeah, I'm gonna come for two there's a very special thing that I'm at. Yeah, I'm going to come next time. I'm just telling you, I want to come. It sounds like a really good time. And I'm sure being out.

I pre-invited my in reading your book. I'm like, I can tell you see that. I'm there. I make it the challah. I'm in. I'm just telling you. I want to invite. We don't realize how much people are interrupting

any experience, especially dinner parties, pulling out a phone, walking away to take a text, and there's no fun. People come over and find an answer to our house, they know, we call it our texture bot. There's no fun, so it's like the best, most social, fun night, great conversation, laughter, cooking, fun, and then Saturday is this kind of delicious,

more quiet day of just like reading, like we don't read anymore, mapping, journaling, painting, music, going out of nature. I just thought these things that we don't seem to really do anymore because we're always interrupted. Exactly. And I want to get into the text about things because I really, by reading your book at the end of it, I'm like, there was so much in it that made so much sense to me.

What was so amazing though is that you, 10 years ago, you did this, or 11 years ago. I mean, now it's at this all time. Hi, now it's way worse than it was. You just again had the foresight with technology to know that this isn't going to be good. We need to put some limits on this. Can we just talk for a minute? What are the phones doing to our brains? Like literally rewiring them. And we're checking it's 100 times a day. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, we're basically

in, I think, a Frankenstein moment where the technology, none of us were designed to be on an available 24-7 with no downtime and we're never not staring at that phone. And I think, you know, yes, I started doing this 10 years ago. And the longer we were doing this, the crazier everyone's becoming. And finally, I was like, I have to write this book. Here's this free, simple practice that's actually thousands of years old and can save everyone pretty much the way I feel. Because it feels like people who have no perspective, they're never not on the network. It's destroying our democracy. We're being manipulated. She to share and click on things because that's how people fell at things.

And they're winning. There's thousands of engineers in their job is to keep you glued to the screen and have you click on the most things. And they trip out notifications so you're like an addict for being validated and notified and stressful news and immobolation. And we're at a moment where I'm like, okay, this is ridiculous. I don't know anyone that doesn't feel addictive. I don't know anyone that doesn't feel like they're struggling with their partner, with their kids or just with themselves about their on their screen too much.

Yeah. And I believe in us humans that we can rise up and say, okay, this is good but not all the time. So I think the big question of our time and why I wrote this book 24 six is what I feel like is to get people to guide and really bigger thoughts about technology. When do you when is it good to have it on and when should you turn it off and when should you zip it up and put it in your bag during the week? When should you actually turn it completely off? What I

think one day a week and the more researched, again, I'm not a religious person, but I have great respect for ideas baked into religious dogma and Shabbat. This idea of a day of rest is so brilliant. And the more that I thought about it and read about it, I feel like everyone needs to take the vibe. And just like yoga, just like yoga and meditation. Those are practices. I do like yoga, just like yoga and meditation. Those are practices I do both of those. I'm not Buddhist or Hindu, but I have great respect for those. Basically, those practices have brought great balance

and joy back into my life. Yeah, no, same. And you're talking about the body. Exactly. And this is a practice. Yeah, we could all do it, but we get to make it up. It could be a few hours a day at first. You could start.

I mean, I'm all for just like trying it, and going for it, but you could find your day, you could find your time, but I've even found, and I find that I've had that too with the scrolling, you literally can feel drunk sometimes, and you can feel like when you're on your phone for an hour, and then your eyes are bugging out, and you're like, what did I just do?

I did nothing, I feel bad and self-loathing. Yeah. And so even for me, just starting with that outside the bedroom has been like huge, you know, and like just getting an alarm clock. Huge. I feel like. Yeah.

There's so many things you can do throughout the week that make things better, like wearing a watch. And you look at it, what's for the time? Just look at your wrist instead of going down the right-of-hole on your phone and alarm clock in your bed. and I get my pleasure out of opening up the book and writing things down So I'm not distracted by a million other things. Yeah, I Got it. I'm bringing that back to you because I never work for me because we also grew up because we're the same age Like we grew up in the 90s

Like having to carry notebooks everywhere and write it all down And it's actually better for your brain like you talk a lot about the benefits of journaling. And yeah. Yeah. I want to break a bet. So there's so much, you were asking about the brain and anything you do repeatedly is rewire on your brain. Anything.

I mean, having sex. Yes. Exactly. Watch the review. Watch it, Gigi. I mean, the way that I see when I'm online is I can never get enough. I can't get enough stress. Well, I mean, I can't get enough email. I can can never get enough. I can't get enough stress. Well, I mean, I can't get enough email.

I can't get enough notification. I can't get enough formal. I'm just like, I'm in a constant state of never being satiated. And when I turn the screens off, what I notice immediately is I feel so appreciative and grateful for what I already have. So it immediately reverses my outlook. And then I think just so much about what your show is about, is about

being in your body and being in touch with your body. And when you're staring at a device, I mean, personally, your whole body is so atrophy. Your neck is crunched down the most unflattering position ever. And you're looking down, your shoulders are slung. You're totally forgetting about your body. Right. And I think if you take time and say, I'm gonna put that away, I'm gonna put the phone away. I'm gonna turn it off. And you know what, the whole world's gonna exist.

And I'm gonna reconnect with myself or my partner or my, the people right in front of me. Because what's happening is that everything is more important than what's right in front of you. Exactly. And that's a really sad state to live in. It's really sad. And I've been saying this too, and you talk about this in front of you. Exactly. And that's a really sad state to live in. It's really sad. And I've been saying this too,

like, and you talk about this in 24 or six, is that we, everyone's looking down now. We're not making eye contact. Yeah. Eye contact is intimacy. So when I hear from couples and individuals every single day, like this epidemic of loneliness, this epidemic of living with their partners

and still feeling alone and not feeling connected and not feeling intimate. A lot of it is, you know, we, we, it's because of the phones because of our, our technology, even if it's like the television. And I think if we could somehow get people to say, okay, like I've been talking a lot about phones outside the bedroom, like phone should be for sleeping in sex. But I think it's getting so extreme now that we're not even realizing how bad it is that, that I like the idea of this

Just maybe when you get off of work you each take an hour and you connect or it's 15 minutes And you look into each other's eyes and you hug before when you get at the end of the day and at the beginning of the day And there's just like rituals around connection and intimacy and eye contact and practicing it and then taking that out into the world What's happened with the phone is it's just blurred every line. So you walk into the room, you're on a call, you're looking at your phone, you don't really make eye contact, you don't make connection. And every boundary whether you're going to it,

the coffee shop, everyone's kind of faking their way through it, just like faking orgasms, like faking connections. Exactly. Because we're just like grunting our way through. And I should tell you, the more I've read about Shabbat, and I go into this in the book because it's so fascinating, is that Shabbat is supposed to be a joy.

It's like a double mitsfeet of have sex on Shabbat. There you go. The download of scholars say, have sex on Shabbat connect have joy. So it's not about what's being taken away. It's like what you get back. Like I swear, my Friday night to Saturday night is literally my favorite day of the week.

It's when all my favorite moments of the week happen on that 24 hour period. Right. I wanna go back to that and then I wanna talk about exes entering because this just happened like literally 10 minutes ago that chapter really struck me because you talk about how we do walking with a phone and okay,

so to my defense, I only have a six minute commute to my office. And that's typically when my phone calls, I call my mom, I call my friend, so I always walk in my team sitting here and I wave, and I'm on the phone, I'm like, hey guys, I'm on the phone. So today Tiffany, because of your book, I finished my call out on the steps

and I did not want to walk in on the phone, and be like, hey everyone, hey, what's up? And one second, because yeah, and I was like want to walk in on the phone and be like, Hey, everyone, hey, what's going on? What's that? Yeah. And I was like, that is not a way. That is not present. That is not real.

And that look at not saying hi to everybody and looking in their eyes. And so Jamie, my producer sitting here, I don't know if she noticed that, but I finished the call on the porch. So, so thank you for that. It's a good thing. I'm so glad. I've never thought about it before. I'm so glad.

Well, I'm sure you enlighten so many people on the thousand things with intimacy. And I'm really hoping with this book 24-6 is that just to kind of weak people, if we're living with you, walk down the streets of LA or New York or anywhere and everyone's head is down. Everyone's walking. And it's like, is this the world we want to live in? And couples are just sitting together on their phones. And it's like, we all know relationships

and intimacy take connection. And there are those uncomfortable moments even. What the phones do is just numb us to all of that. So we never really have to deal. But that means that intimacy is never going to be there either because we're faking our way through together. Exactly. Like, that's such a good point.

It's that we're not in the uncontrolled moment. Now we have our phones, but back in the day, I mean, I say this all the time, and you probably, because I know you've two young kids which will have to get into as well, are teenagers right now. A 16 year old.

I have, yeah. Right, and then a 10 year old, yeah. 10 year old, and people, we're gonna get to that too. Like, I'm gonna be like, my kids will never do that. Well, yeah, you're the parent. Like, they can do kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid,

I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, I'm a kid, Monday morning and we got out. It was like a four o'clock class. And by the time I got out, there was like three of us

on these chairs and four chairs, three people to my left. One was actually a cute guy. On his phone, they were all on their phones, like automatically after yoga, you know? So you know that it's happening everywhere. And I think when people complain that they're single

and they don't meet anybody. And like this, there are more single people in America and in the world than never before. But I believe that our phones are hijacking these experiences where we could really have connection, even with just a hello and you meet your new best friend. The in-between moments are when life happens. It's when you get closer to someone

to work your way to that awkward moment or you say hello to someone. I mean, people are following love just with eye contact and think about how many opportunities were taking away Because everyone's staring at our own little devices and staring into our own little truths because right now in our country with our democracy I mean everyone's listening to their own world and I think that's another element too is it's created a lot of You know divide instead of I never thought when The early days of the web that the offshoot of connection would be disconnection.

Right. But again, I'm not answering. I talk like there's so many ways that tech is wonderful and it allows people to look of stuff about sex that they never would have the current. Exactly. They're listening to the podcast. Right. Turn off your phone after the podcast right now.

But I think it's the question that's just thinking when is it good to have it on and when should you turn it on. And I think to really understand connecting broadly is meaningless unless you also connect deeply. And this other writer who writes what is subject he think of this thing. I found so brilliant. I think it's Cal Newport and he was saying being on social media, you feel both connected and lonely all at the same time.

Yeah, it's like, oh my God, that's it. You're connected and lonely all in one moment. Exactly. And you're never going to get to the bottom of the internet. You're always getting this scrolling. Right. It's never going to feel satisfying. Right.

And I mean, I think when I was thinking about your show and just like the idea of kind of understanding your own needs, I think what's happening is the phone is such a false. I wish like every time you picked up the phone, there was like a pop-up menu that said, what need are you trying to fulfill? Exactly. What do you really want right now? Are you hungry? Do you want to call a friend? Should you really do your laundry? Are you hungry? Do you want to call a friend? Should you really do your laundry? I'm a little bit,

but with like, we're positive ways you can spend that flick of a flick. I like this idea of an app that, I know there's like all these habit tracker lists and stuff, but what it was like time to, you haven't masturbated yet today this week. You've only masturbated, but because I'm always trying to encourage you,

but you're something else that's flicking your wrist, so I'll give you much more pleasure. Exactly, like way more pleasure. And I even find myself like, you know, I think a lot of us do this. Like I just started watching TV, which is weird, like most people watch it all the time,

but I'm watching shows, but then I'm on my phone. Yeah, but then I'm like watching TV and my phone. I'm like, why am I doing both? And I just feel bad about, like I, and I live alone. So no one's looking over my shoulder, but it just feels wrong.

And I have to put those restraints. And so what I also like is that in 24 or six, you talk about like rules and boundaries too. And like that, it's okay. I wrote down a quote, it was by Kierkegaard that you have, which I love that anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. I think that was from, it was so interesting, because it's like, wow, we have so many opportunities right now.

There's so much going on. There's so much buzzing and beeping. And everyone's wanting us and we're pulled in so many directions that that's creating so much of our anxiety. So I feel like I can tell people actually try this like shutting down their phones, whether they're alone or with a partner out even if it's for an hour. It's almost like I always say you're never going to regret having sex going to the gym, meditating, or I think turning off your phone, taking time off.

Yes, I love that you just added that in because I think we need to think about our relationship to our phones. Yeah, it's really shit. Nutrition and nature and exercise and our sex life and our relationship to our phone. It's affecting so much of every single moment of our day. Yeah. And if you want to think about your overall well-being, you think about what you eat,

how often you're having sex, how much you're drinking, how much you're in nature, how all these things, and we need to think about that in the same visual palette of like, what does it mean to live a good life like, what does it mean to live a good life today? And does it mean to live a good life to be every moment of any moment you get, you're going to open your phone instead of maybe taking a moment to just think or just try to listen

to your inner voice or just, you know, write in a journal or read something in an undistracted way or stare out the window and daydream because there's so much research on how the most creative ideas come from when you're dig dreaming. And we've created a society where there isn't a second where we're not going to look at the phone to be distracted, entertained, or simulated at any moment. Right, we no longer have that. Like we did. We're just walking without the phone hiking without the phone, nature, and I

like that you include all of that in your book about nature. You've chapped, connecting to nature because I've also been talking about a lot of that on the show, how important that is, even if you just put your feet on the ground at night before you go to bed, just to ground with the earth. Things that we just don't do anymore that are actually really healing and journaling and practices of gratitude. And I love that Ken doesn't like gratitude, but he likes appreciation, because I think gratitude, your husband,

I think that's funny. Because I'm like, yeah, I get it. Gratitude is kind of like such a, like it can be kind of, it can be easy. Yeah, gratitude, not mistake. If it's not your jam, like what am I appreciating? Like make it work for you.

So I think that there's not so much that's like, so restrictive, it's just sort of like, here's just some tools because yet it is a new It's a relationship with the phone that we have to learn how to monitor like an addiction like anything else And it is like food and exercise but with the phone yet That's why I think your book is so inspiring. It's an easy read in the sense of like there's so many nuggets in it that that will help people Think about like well, how can I like, because I haven't seen anything like this, much like your Rebby Awards,

like, oh, this is actually a tool for monitoring your use of the phone, like a diet book, but for your phone, because we don't, yeah, it's okay. And we're not going to die. We're not going to turn it off. Like, it's going to help you. And also, I think, like,

I'm sharing with everyone this practice I've done with over a decade with my husband and our two daughters, one's almost 17, one's almost 17, one's almost 11 and I should say that they love it too and people can't even imagine we have a teenager who loves the children and so on. But we care over-simulated too and she's in her most stressful year of high school, junior junior of high school and she is so much homework every night and she loves one day when she can't do homework, she can't respond in such a way, she just gets a break and there's

so much research that proves if you take a true break, you will be so much more productive, so much better to contribute to the world the other six days. We're never getting a break. I'm telling you, we have done, and we've just really worked. And all the things we've negotiated over the last 10 years. And the truth is, the thing is, it's not hard.

It's so easy to prepare for it to let other people know. And we all existed before this March 1 of the, I'm going to unite. You and I, if we've lived half of our lives online and half of our lives off. Exactly. I really see the difference. And, you know, I'm turning 50 in April.

Yeah. And somebody who was like, well, what does it feel like to turn 50? What have you learned? And I'm like, this is the single best thing I've learned is this very ancient practice that I'm kind of updating in a non religious way. And I'm trying to share it because it can just bring such joy back into people's lives. And we started. Now the book has been out for like four months. And we started a Facebook group called 24 24 6 living.

And there's all these people now that are doing techs about the sport just living more mindfully. It's so much fun and the Jewish not Jewish with kids without kids single and it doesn't matter so much better. Well what I love is I'm so we'll put that in the show notes as well. We'll put a link to your Facebook group for people to join because I think it's really helpful to have a group to see how everyone else does it because everyone has kids, different ages, different families, they live alone. But I think it's really helpful to have a group to see how everyone else does it because everyone has kids, different ages, different families, they live alone. But I think that the tools are so practical and then to know that other people are able to do it and how you print out directions.

You know, get a printer, get a landline if you have to. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back more with Tiffany Schlein. finish lane. Could you tell me what the studies have shown? What people feel when they take a true break from technology? First of all, people, if you don't have a phone in your bed and I'm sure you've gone over this on your show, you're going to sleep so much better because you know, the blue lights from the phones, they found a link with the same kind of plaque that Alzheimer's patients have on their brain. And a lot of people, they wake up in them the night, they check their phone, and then you're not going to go back to sleep as easily. There's so many,

so much research just on just having sleep. And then in terms of just letting your brain go into a different mode, it's so important to the parasympathetic nervous system, you know, what calms your body down and what gets the cortisol level high. Well, what gets the cortisol level and like feel and stress level is like reading stressful news, having work emails interfere with your leader time, all of those things which we're doing all the time. And then the things that calm it down are being in a room with other people. I contact eating meals together, a trunite fleet, being out in nature. All of this research confirms that that calms you and it makes you more centered and grounded.

And the phone is doing the opposite. Exactly. So, you know, we've driven the 21st century, a lot of us, you know, we're online, but not at all advocating not to be on, but to really be more influential, how much I mean, look at the percentage of your day that you're staring at a screen. And thing, could I spend one-seventh of my week

retarging, regenerating, you know, just regrouping and being in my body, and being in the soul and being, it's just so, there's so many benefits. And in the book I talk about the kind of short, I mean, when we first started doing, time felt so much longer on Saturday. And what's the one day you want to feel long as your day off? But then the longer I've done it, the more bigger benefits I've seen. I'm a filmmaker, so it's always about being as creative as possible and I really started to notice

that my most creative ideas would happen on Saturday, my day without screens and I was like, huh. And that's very much backed up by, there's something in those times called the default mode network where your mind starts making connections of things that are already in your mind. Yes. And that's usually where creativity comes from, it's unusual connections. But right now we're spending over time with so much new input coming into our brain. You never give our brain a chance to kind of process what's already in there. So on my Saturdays I do a lot of day dreaming and I'm just not putting any more new input

in. And I have the most creative ideas, man. That is makes so much sense. Yeah, that's exactly what I've had those experiences. Too lately I've gone away for these like, it's so extreme, but I'll go to this like wellness spot for like a week and I really won't look at my phone. And then last week and I did it again for four days,

they're all firing, all the synapses, I came up with all the ideas and all the clarity. And it's just like, and it is mind blowing, because right now, you're right, there's always stuff coming in, there's literally no time to just think. And we're in our cars, right? And we're on the phone,

like my six minute commute, I'm on the phone. Like when am I gonna think? You know, I mean, I do meditate in the morning, but that's also organized. Like we just need a day. And it feels so, I mean, I'm telling you this, I'm so fast in this because in my little experience it is a total reset, a reboot, and I feel clarity.

I'm so happy. Mm-hmm. And that's the way I feel pretty much every week that I have the deepest vacation out of retreat center somewhere else every week that I'm just in my own home. Because just by turning off the network and no one can get to me. And I know

if you're single what you brought up, but I'll tell you something, if you say for one day, I'm just going to hang out with myself or a friend, but I'm just going to re-ground myself in this very present way. That will do it too. And I think that, you know, also, I have a chapter on silence in the book because the more I read, how in certain violence isn't the day to blame the king, like any free moment I'm going to put on a podcast or I'm going to optimize every moment. And then I really try during my day with what I'm driving I think. Because I'm like, you are also home, my great friends and my family. And I always bring a certain stretch. I'm like, I'm just going to draw. Exactly.

And I want to make my brain more supple and I'm going to give it a break and that's pretty much what you're doing but if you give your mind a big break, I kind of think of rest as a technology. If you think of technology, it makes you more efficient and productive and all these things will a true day of rest which in my interpretation is no screens is going to reboot you in a really powerful way. And yeah, it really does. And then I'm sure like again, like if you're in a relationship, it I think it helps the relationship with yourself for sure too, even if you're meeting first of all,

if you're meeting up with friends, you can make a plan like we used to and just not change it. And just say, I will see you there tomorrow. I'm not bringing my phone. Like remember, it's what we had to do. We had things for dinner, I would see you there. We had no out, but it's just totally, you know, I don't know, I just feel like people are just. It's just slippery now. I think people like, change and cancel what lay more now because they can.

And I find when I make a plan, I'm just about to show up. And it's just, and it's kind of this beautiful analog way of existing. And again, one day, it's just, and it's kind of this beautiful analog way of existing. And again, one day, it reminds me, I have a question about something. I have to just ponder the question. It's just also great. I'm like, I don't know these. And the whole thing, I'm not going to know these.

And that's kind of fun, because it's like, it's something to curiosity, but you're not going to wonder, kill it on Google and know immediately. So I think there's just a joy in doing things differently. I mean, I'm sure you talk about this with sex. Like, yes. Do you see something different? It's getting revitalized. You're a sexist.

Absolutely. We're all so bored with our sex life. Yeah, it's been the same thing all the time. If you and your partner just say, we're not going to come from work, we're going to leave our phones at the front, we're going to turn them off, and we're going to spend the next four hours, even if you're doing what you're watching a movie, or if something comes up, you're like, who was the director of that film?

You gotta write it down and look it up tomorrow. Like, it's okay. It's, we don't even realize it. Yeah, we don't realize that picking up the phone, oh, shit, my boss texted. And now I'm like, oh, I gotta get back to so-and-so, and then you're off, and that's why I don't enjoy social media as much, because I really don't, because I feel like, oh, if and that's why I don't enjoy your social media as much because I really don't because I feel like oh if I'm

out I don't do a lot of the stories if I'm with friends you know the stories like an Instagram because I I feel that I know myself I'm gonna take the story then I'll be like what font do I choose what I do and then 20 minutes go by and I'm out of the moment and I just I don't know maybe it's our I just I don't enjoy it I've lost a connection. Someone who already has attention problems, challenges, that this just helps me so much having those rules, at least when I'm out, but then trying it with a partner and seeing how you'll feel like it's like,

you always have a third there or a fourth if you both have phones. It's like there's always something else there, but when you turn off the phone, it's really just the two of you. Like you don't have your iPad, you don't have your computer. It's really awesome. It's really just the two of you. Like, you don't have your iPad, you don't have your computer. It's really bad. It's really bad competing.

You're so good. So I'll take you. I mean, you know, in some level, you have a show either but it's important. I do enjoy meeting and connecting with people who read the book. That's a beautiful part. But when it starts to encroach

is when it's just taking you away from being present with your own life. Technology took away so many boundaries. You can work from anywhere. You can work in your bedroom. You can work from vacation. It's like, no, no, no, that's actually not so good. Let's bring those boundaries back. Let's actually be able to see how we can again. Yes. Yeah. Let's have that gym be for sex and sleeping or reading. And let's bring some boundaries back and we're going to feel more joy. This whole chapter I wrote in the book about boundaries is that boundaries actually can make you feel free because if you know when you're working, you know when you're off and

there's no boundaries anymore and people just text whenever, they email whenever, they're there. And you know, we're affecting so many other people with the way we use technology too. So I talk about the research in the book that when you get interrupted, it takes around 20 minutes to get back into what you were doing. So we text with a band in now and we should just be mindful

because what I'm about to communicate to this person is it's so urgent that I'm taking them out of what they're doing. And when you're with a group of people, when you pull out your phone, I say it's like a yawn. Everyone's going to pull out their phone. So is that a good moment to make everyone disconnect? And when you're out at a meal with a friend that took 20 emails to set up, you put your phone on the table. It's immediately going to make everyone less present. Everyone, even the people around you at other tables.

So people need to be aware of how much they're affecting other people too. So it's like boundaries in your own life and really being intentional about how you're affecting other people. It is really being intentional. It's being intentional and it is having boundaries with yourself and just saying like, and others, but saying, I'm not going to pull it out during this meal like even just having that intention I'm really going to limit it when I go out with friends or I'm going to limit it tonight when I come home and then just trying it out like I think that it's what I love about

this is you're pointing out this thing that we don't even realize how good that we're always on like that it is 24 seven we haven't even thought that there's any other way because there's this unspoken rule if you don't get back to a text, you're disrespectful, you're someone's not gonna like you, there's like an urgency, and that urgency, we pay a price. And I believe that's why we are all so much more stressed

and anxious than teenagers and kids have anxiety now. I'm like, did they always have anxiety? Like, I know, I've had anxiety, but really everybody all the time, and it used to be like, come on, we can't blame everything on the phone, but I kinda see that we can. Like a lot of things I believe are problematic

because of the phone. So I think that just having some rules around it and is great in your book, I also wanna say something else here, what I love is that in your chapter when you talk about what brings you joy, I've been thinking about that a lot lately because I don't think that we spent enough time in the joy space. We spent a lot of time in the doing space, the fear space, the

worry space, the anxiety space, but what gives us or sad, but what gives us joy. And so and the things you talk about are like, you know, make a list of it. And I remember one time I went to retreat a few years ago. And they had us write down joy, all the things that we love doing. And then she had us do this formula of like what percentage of our lives are we actually spending doing it? And mine was like 0.06%. And I was like, oh my God.

That is so lame. But if I had one day, and a lot of us had those numbers, I wasn't the only one, but like you just wrote some things like, you know, cooking meal with family and friends lot of us had those numbers. I wasn't the only one, but you just wrote some things like, you know, cooking meal with family and friends, listen to our play music, go to a farmer's market, play baseball, play sports, paint, sing, dance. And it's like if we just took a moment and I still have that joy list that I wrote

for this retreat and I think about it because I'm like, have I done that stuff? So I just love that you, that you, because it's like if people think, well, what am I gonna do? Do the joy things because those actually really do scientifically make you happier. And that last thing. Yes. And I think anyone listening thinking, I'm going to try this. I'm going to try to get

my partner to try this. I'm going to try to get my kids to try this. And I really go into the book about what I think are the best approaches because you definitely don't want to say. Tell me some of the best approaches. You don't want to say we're turning your screen today. You have to feel like you're depriving people of something instead and I have all these different kind of strategies in the book, but to say what do you wish we did more of? That's all right a list of what we did. We wish we did more of together on our own. So great. Basically fill the day with that. It'll be your favorite day of the week.

It's actually the, I look at it as the reward to my week. It is the reward for all the hard work I do a week. This is the reward. It's all the things that bring me joy. And sometimes that joy is doing nothing. Like when I had a really stressful week, it's like being allowed and doing absolutely nothing that counts. But I think writing a list of what brings you joy is so good. Or even if you're trying to think of what brought you joy as a child, you just don't do anymore. There's so many things that I'm working about. You need to think about how often we're living, we're not in that space at all, we're

not even in touch with it. And I, you know, honest, touched about it, I've had so much time, it becomes like luxurious. Like I picked up the ukulele, I water color, I purify. I don't know, because you haven't seen it for so long, it's the longest, most fabulous day. And there's nothing buying from my attention except just what I'm doing. And I feel connected. I think that's the last thing I want to say, because I feel the most connected to myself and to Ken and to my kids on that one day.

And the rest, you know, I'm working mother, you know, a million things going on, but that one day it just completely reconnects me to myself and to Ken and the girls. Yeah. I mean, I think that's exactly it. It's connection. And so when people with kids right now, they're just battling. They're like, get off the phone.

No phones here, but just to have a holiday of connection. And to say, what do you wish we could do more of? And here in what you were just saying, it's so interesting because if the phone is like our 24 hour entertainment center, which it is, it's always with us. We, why would we would never feel like, well, here's some time to paint,

here's some time to, because there's always something to do on the phone. It's like, I can't even think of another example like that in our lives, but clearly we're not doing the things that are making us happy and because it takes a little bit of effort. And that would mean that we're not glued to our phones. And if the phones are created to make us more addicted to them, well, obviously doing a great job, hours go by when we're just still on the phone or we're staring at it, now listen to this podcast or now listen to this thing and then we're not doing those things. You have to actually remove the source, but start by writing down things you wish you would do more of so you can plan around it, which is very smart. Yeah. Well, even like, I'm reading this book now that's not come out yet, but it's also just

about the influence of screens in general, because I think I do say phones because to me that was a big marker and the difference because the web, before the iPhone came out, you at least left it at home and you went out and about your day and you didn't have the web with you. In a minute, the iPhone came out, it was the moment that that went with you everywhere. But I think, you know, even ignoring the phones for a second, because I do a lot of my work on the screen, I mean, I'm sure you do too. And it's just really looking at your whole day. I mean, look at it like a nutrition plate, like, you know how there's like, you need to use your vegetables

and your food and how the certain amount of water. And just like, think, if you get like, like, how many hours you're still on screen? What else are you really doing? How many hours are you sleeping? Supposedly the amount of hours are staring at the screen. Sleeping, sex, eating combined. And just think, can I carve out some time, like my time in the morning, since the election, this is one of the things I do. The other six days is I don't look at my phone when I wake up and this is so huge for me because I used to wake up and look at my phone and

it was an inevitable mix of like stressful news or an email and I would just, that's how to start my day and especially when Trump won it was like very stressful way to start my day. So now I started and ended by doing something called the five minute journal, which is like a journal, even for people that don't journal, even I love to journal. And it just asked me three things, like, what are three things you're grateful for, and what are three things that would make today great. And just spending ten minutes thinking about my day, and not letting my day, the whole tone of my day gets set with my phone, is so huge. And then at the end of the day, it says, what are three great things that are hoping to be

know? You know just something that you said will be great. And then it says, what's one thing you wish you did differently? So a little bit of reflection. And I'm telling you to start an end my day with this book that takes me

a total of five minutes to do as just been, it's like who's setting the tone for your day? Are you going to let the whole world and everything you can't control, see the K or are you gonna set and i know this word is also another chivalry with a certain intention to the day but it's a such a huge difference in a way i'm living my day i have found it again i love this i want to do this i want to get this journal because i have so many journals that i'm and then I start them. Five minutes journal. Five minutes journal. Well, you may be feel good because I have so many journals too that it stresses me out. I actually talk

about this in therapy and she's like, I'm like, but I have so many journals. And then I feel like I have to go back and read them. And then what if I don't have this journal? And she's like, it's okay. And if you never go back and if you just ran a piece of paper and throw it away, that's okay too. I'm like, is it though? Is it don't I need all my journals? But like Tiffany has a journal next to you. I know. The biggest thing is that, and I think this is also a way to think about it for all your listeners.

It's like replace the phone with something that brings you joy. And actually writing in a journal, not everyone's a journal, but for me it's very centering. I just find it very calming. And so I've replaced looking at the phone in the morning with this other thing. And you know, we also have a no phone that the table rule. I mean, just a little like, at the end of the book, I ask a series of questions to really identify when does it not feel good.

Because that's another thing. How many screens do you have in your house? When your family you feel like it might not be you. It might be your partner that can never get up to you. And I should tell you that a lot of couples since the book came out, like inevitably, it'll be the husband or the wife. Oh my God, my wife will never get up to the phone and I got her the book and now she's gonna have fun or vice versa.

There's always someone in the relationship that's like one notch more addicted than the other. But because I go into so much of the why, you know, why is it not great to be in your phone this much? The neuroscience, the physiology, the research, the history, the this and that, it kind of walks people through why they should quit, you know, and again, knowing that thousands of engineers and behavioral scientists, their sole job is to go lead you to the screen and

they've won. In talking about how there's always one partner who's like, that's great, but my spouse would never do it. That's just like the sex conversation. Well, I want to talk to my partner and tell him I want to have more sex, but they'll never do it. Or I want to ask for them to spank me, but I know we won't. It's like, no, actually, a lot of times we say

no to things that are change and that are scary and that we don't know how to do. And we think impossible. so we just say no. So I think that the fact that you, this kind of your book 24, six eases people into it with a lot of good tools, I think is a really helpful, just like sex, just have the conversation. I love this like link, it's so similar.

I mean, it's really, it's about boundaries, it's about needs, it's about being in touch with your body, it's about being present, it's so similar. I mean, it's really, it's about boundaries, it's about needs, it's about being in touch with your body, it's about being present, it's about communicating, I mean, it is the same thing. It is, it is the same thing. And Tiffany, if I could cut, how many studies have come out that are like millennials aren't having sex because of the phones, people aren't even sex, people.

They're phone over sex, people choose the phone over chocolate. It's like, and people be kind of laugh it off but but i do think it is um you know taking away from joy in our life and that includes you know sex connection intimacy so Tiffany this is a you're amazing i'm so glad you're writing this book it's amazing this is this is so connected i feel like we need to co-op there's something about the connection of these two things. There's so good news. I think we could. Well, Tiffany, we ran into each other at the What conference.

We had a team together in years and it was such a delight to see you. I tell you, Liz, you were starring one of my movies. Oh, my God, that's right. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about your movies. I played the two of them. Two years ago, and I had just met you and I put you in one of my movies and one ever and actually it's it's showing it a phone festival next month and

whenever I see you in there and I've thought since I've seen it I need to reconnect with Emily and here we are I'm so glad yeah people we're gonna have all this the show notes but I know you're Tiffany Schlein as s h a la on Instagram yeah yeah Tiffany Schlein that SH LA add on Instagram and Twitter. Yeah, yeah. Tiffany Schlein.com on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. And then the website for the book is 246 and the 6th is spelled out, s-i-x-life.com. And there's a lot of short films I made about the subject.

There's the Facebook group. And just a lot of resources and all the research. Yeah, we'll put all this. I love that you have the Facebook page for everybody too, because that's just good to have a community around it. So I think you're doing good work and all your films and everything. Okay. So Tiffany, now I have to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests are just

quicky questions. Okay. Ready? Okay. Okay. What's your biggest turn on? Oh my goodness. I think a good connection before, for play, that we feel connected.

That's not the thing to turn off. That's not to be anything to create. Biggest turn off. Is it all related to, I was going to say when somebody says they want to pick my brain. I hate that expression. No, that's fine. That is a turn off. I'm doing it like, oh, what makes good sex? because they want to pick my brain. I hate that expression. No, that's fine. That is a turn off.

I'm doing it like, oh, what makes good sex? Oh, don't do that. What makes good sex? What makes good sex is if you truly are connected and it's, well, that's interesting. I mean, I've been married for so long. I know. I was gonna say it's like an authentic connection.

Yeah, that's true though. But I think it is, it's interesting. I mean, I've been married for so long. I can't say it's like an authentic connection. Yeah, that's true though. But I think it is. For me, I mean, again, I've been married for a long time now, but it's just that, like I know when really feeling connected, it's just so much better. Yeah. Something I'm sure you are now more so with Texhabbat. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships,

sex or relationships. Like when I met you. That the more you feel comfortable with your body, I mean I think for so long I wish I was thinner, I wish I was taller, whatever it is, and then once you really like start respecting your body and everything it's helped you do and love your body, you're going to, you're part of the only two, I mean it's just being more comfortable with yourself. That's what I love about getting older. I just find a lot more things funny and I don't take

myself as seriously and everything. You know, laughter, I mean, that's work. Like that. Exactly. That's great. That's true. So true. Okay, number one, sex tip.

Okay. I have my camera. No relationship. It can be a relationship, tip. Okay. Okay. Okay. My good one. Make sure that you, I mean, every Saturday night,

can and I have a date night. And even with young kids, we squeezed it out. So we always went out just the two of us. And it's, I see so many people do not make that a priority. And it's just, I think if, you know, it's like a pyramid, like happy person, happy couple, happy children, and you have to make time for yourselves and a good sex life and having a relationship

that's outside of being parents. Yeah, no, I think that's so true. I always talk about you have never had a date night, like with young kids, it's so important to prioritize it. Thank you. So important. Yeah, thank you so much for this. I appreciate you so much. I'm so happy to connect. Congrats on the book and thank you too. Have a great day. Okay talk to you soon. I appreciate all of you for listening and thanks to my awesome

team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Brian, our interns, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT